Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business Mrs Grundy visits SHAKES. (Tag-Team) Updated 1/6/04

Icefire woke after a strange dream in his large four poster bed. The room looked a little blurry as he swung his legs over and searched for his slippers. He shook his head to clear the cobwebs and realized that his mouth tasted odd. Mumbling he stumbled to the bathroom off of his opulant bedroom and began running a hot shower.

He knew that the mansion's antiquated piping would take a few minutes to flush out the cold water enough to make his shower comfortable. But, once it reached the required temperature, he knew he could not stay in the shower long enough too cause the steam boiler fed system to lose enough heat to make his beloved Umber's shower cold. He grabbed a bottle of listerine and began to wash the odd taste out of his mouth.

He could hear her moving around in her bedroom. Privately he had been amazed when her parents had asked him to stay at the mansion until the wedding. And, Semi had been only too happy to say yes when he asked his older brother for permission. That still rankled him a little but he realized that Semi was only looking out for him. He knew that her well connected parents could provide Icefire with all sorts of the various social and political influences that a mere bar owner could never hope to match.

Icey smiled as he looked into the mirror. Not only was he destined to marry the girl of his dreams, but because of that marrage his dreams could now be vastly upgraded.

As he stepped out of the shower he heard a delicate knock on his door.

"Icey, Icey dearest, are you decent?"

Her voice sent a small chill up his spine. He almost answered, "No but come in anyway." But caught himself just in time. Umber was nothing if not prim and proper when it came to their relationship. She could be daring at times but wouldn't tolerate any shenanigans from him. One careless remark could change her mind. He wasn't willing to risk that. If things got too bad he'd sneak over to SHAKES. He knew a few tricks he could play with Babbette's programming that would help him take the edge off.

"Just a second Umber Dear," he answered, as he hastily threw on a pair of chino slacks and pulled on his robe.

He opened the door and was amazed to find not only Umber but Arachne, Homecoming Queen and Yugo Lass waiting for him. Oddly he had to think a minute to get the last girl's name straight, it seemed to him that she had recently undergone a small retcon. Her old name brought to mind a large gas guzzling vehicle. "Oh well," He thought.

All four girls were dressed in identical outfits. Frilly white high collared and long slieved loose fitting blouses, with Poodle Skirts. to his surprise the skirts were daringly short ahnging only to about mid calf, why if they weren't wearing knee socks, and of course, sensible shoes...

"Umber, what is your mother going to say if she sees you?" He asked, even as he turned away to fix his pants and cover up a potentially embarassing reaction.

Umber's musical laughter filled the room. "Thats where you're going to help us out Icey. We're going downtown to do some shopping and to check out the new sorority that a few of the Bob Jones girls are starting. If they're cool enough to accept us in these risque outfits we might join."

The other girls all tittered and hid their faces at that comment. Umber could be so daring. It was one of the things he loved best about her.

"But anyway Icey dear, I need you to go down to breakfast and distract mother while we slip out."

"Umm... Umber, if your mother ever caught on that I was helping you get away with something like this..."

"Don't worry Icey, if she catches us just pretend to be as shocked and outraged as she is. If you do this Lover Tonite you get a real good night kiss." She licked her lips at the last comment and Icefire melted. He was hers and she knew full well how to manage him.

Meanwhile, the mysterious golden girl thought to herself, "Well, I'm not surprised that they don't recognize who I really am, but I thought they'd pick up on the body I'm using. Don't these guys ever visit the LW Hall of the Dead? I mean, I did modify Robotwoman's basic design a bit before implanting my brain in her lifeless, golden machine body, but most of the basic design elements are still in place."

Back on Legion World, Deputy Ambassador Eryk Davis Ester was...

In the fourth sub basement of the United Charlatan Church four guards watched curiously as Space ranger regained consciousness.

In the cell across the hallway the Emerald Empress ground her teeth in frustration as she tried vainly to control the Emerald Eye of Ekron. Curiously, while the eye resisted all attempts to separate it from the Empress, even to the extent of destroying two of the ultra powerful “Emma Grundy” androids which had attempted to remove it from the Empress’s cell by force; it would only obey certain commands. Her cell was now comfortably furnished, and the Ranger’s horrible injuries were healed, but the eye refused to do anything else.

In the hallway Dev-Em stood cracking his knuckles, beside him Kara and Harbinger looked into the cell where the Ranger was beginning to stir.

“I hope he doesn’t get all stupid again,” Harbinger muttered softly, “I don’t want to have to fight him again.” Something else else stirred in the back of her mind as she spoke. He was one of the first people I met when I came here, she thought, and he was always friendly and helpful, what happened to him? What’s happened to all of us?

“Dev-Em’s voice cut off her thoughts, “’Binger, just be ready. If he does have a go at us, I’ll be the target. You and Kara need to hit him hard & fast from the sides when he moves. I don’t want to hurt him again if we don’t have to.”

Both girls immediately nodded their agreement.

Off to one side, the fourth guard, the real Emma Grundy, the human one with no super powers, watched her pawns with growing concern. “They’re fighting the control nodes. I’m going to have to replace their implants with the stronger version. The pastor thought that the more powerful ones would only be needed on a few of the LMBPers.”

Emma reached down to the Father Box on her wrist and adjusted the signals it sent to the devices implanted in the base of the LMBPers necks. Instantly the tone of their conversation changed.

“Let him come,” Kara sneered, “We’ll just fuck him up again. Maybe if we kick his nads a few more times he’ll learn his lesson.”

On the floor above them Numf-El waited and watched for his chance. He didn’t know what had happened to his friends, but he did know that he was not going to stand by and watch. The Ranger and the Empress were going to have some unexpected help whenever they made their move.

*Story Interlude*

Sentients, we have a small problem here.

In absolute defiance of Legion World Tradition, this story actually has an established plot and sequence of events. I will summarize for those who may have jumped in without fully reviewing the action so far.

Legion World has been invaded by the forces of the United Charlatan Church, under the command of Pastor Uptight N. Upright and his right hand henchwoman Emma Grundy. Almost All LMBPers have fallen under their absolute control because of the "Control Nodes" Installed in their necks by the android Candy. These control nodes cannot be deactivated without killing the person(s) they have been installed in.

The ONLY free willed LMBPers Left are:
1. Grey Bird Boy, Outdoor Miner, Shark Lad, Kid Prime, and Faraway Lad, who have escaped to a neighboring solar system where they met the mysterious Golden Girl. Golden Girl claims to be a figure from the LMBP's Past who has radically changed since their last encounter.
2. Furball, last seen leaving the security office to get some unspecified help.
3. Emerald Empress and Space Ranger, Currently Prisoners In the lower levels of the United Charlatan Church.
4. Numf-El, Who is trying to rescue EE and SR.

EVERYONE ELSE has undergone a RADICAL PERSONALITY SHIFT. They are currently stuck in Far Right Wing Religious HELL. Their morals and attitudes have been adjusted to the worst form of PURITANICAL Hypocracy, and or Money Grubbing Nastyness, Imaginable.

Icefire is currently at the mansion home of Umber's parents eagerly anticipating his upcoming wedding. Vee has become the Ken Lay of legion world, Cobalt has become the John Ascroft of Legion World. Princess Crujectra is MISSING.

Of the people under the UCC's control ONLY Semi is close to breaking free. And that is only because of what has been done to his Beloved SHAKES.

Press your reset buttons and begin from that Premise.

*End Interlude*

Truth and Justice shall Prevail!
(the clues on how to defeat the UCC have been planted)

A brief case toting figure enters Shakes. "Hi Semi!" He looks around, noticing the piano has been shunted to the corner and the removal of the Lounging Lad. "Don't tell me you have had that portrait of you and Vee finally painted. I still think that the Lounging Lad draws in most of the customers. Unless of course the portrait of you and Vee is au naturale! Is Icey around? I'd like to find out what his favorite color is so I can wear the right thong for the pagaent." The figure puts his briefcase down and sits at the end of the bar. "My usual Diet Coke please. I was tied up in court all day. Not much of a crowd right now."

Semi places the Diet Coke in front of Quislet, Esq. "That'll be $3!" "WHAT!! Since when do you charge for drinks?" QUislet reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $5. "Here. I've been thinking about Sweats the Gym add on. I think there are a few people who would like to be able to exercise totally naked and some who'll just want to watch." Quislet chuckled "I was thinking of making a special area for those LWMBers"

Semi's mind is a whirl with all that Quislet is saying. It sounds familiar but goes against everything he believes in. Right? But why does the thought of a picture of him and Vee naked together excite him? Something else else was going on, but what?

Semi had no time to think, as Eryk Davis Ester busted into SHAKES and took a blackjack to the back of Quis's head!

"Debauchery is not allowed here at Legion World, pal! That'll teach you!" he yelled as he smiled. Cobalt Kid walked in surrounded by goons, as they stormed through SHAKES. "Relax Semi, Vee paid up for the month. Your protected. We've been tracking this joker for a bit, and we've got 'em."

"Do what you need to do Cobalt" said EDE, Cobalt's superior, who was beginning to resemble the comic book character Wolverine. Cobalt smiled and hurled Quislet into his new death camp, the former Starfield Lounge.

---------
Meanwhile, Yugo Lass and Lard Lad walked down the street, giggly with anticipation of Icefyre and Umber's upcoming wedding. Lardy even thought about kissing Yugo Lass.

"Buffalo girls won't you come out tonight, won't you come out tonight..." they sang, on their way home from the dance. "I'm so glad Umber and Icefyre are tying the knot" said Yugo...

When suddenly, Furball landed in front of them!

Back at SHAKES, Semi finally walked over to meet with Hi-Risk von Tingle. In his hands were two drinks, and he was dreadfully certain of which was which.

"Mr. von Tingle, here's that Koko kola you wanted.

"My what lovely glasware you have!" von Tingle squealed. "It is such a pleasure to be working in such a high class environment. Unfortunately we can have others seeing these crystal glasses. It would seem ostentacious. Pack them all up and send them up to my hoouse. We'll store them in the basement for now until I can figure out how to make use of them."

"But that Christophe set has been in my family for ages!" Semi exploded "I won't...."

"I can see why the Pastor feels you need supervision, Mr. Translucent! You will do as I say or I will have that <yawn>...'scuse me, that hair brained Cobalt character bring his goons in here and smash every single piece to smithereens! <YAWN> As a matter of fact I <YAAAWWWNNN>...oh MY why do I feel so....." and with that his head dropped onto the table with a thud!

A slight smirk on his face, Semi glanced around to see if anyone else had noticed their argument. No one seemed to be paying attention, so Semi sat there for a moment trying to decide what to do next. He felt as if a layer of fog had lifted from his brain and he became more and more horrified at everything he began to remember.

"Need some help?" he suddenly heard whispered softly behind him. As he turned he saw a non descript woman in a brownish grey frock and white apron standing there. The woman appeared to be an ancient crone, all wrinkled and worn, but something about her didn't seem to fit.

A slight shimmer, like a soft breeze, passed between them and suddenly Semi saw her face again. It was no longer the face of a crone, but rather...

..."Princess! Oh my god! What are you doing here? They've been turning Legion World upside down looking for you! You have to get out of here before someone recognizes you!" Semi urged.

"No. No one will recognize me unless I choose to let them Semi, don't worry! Remember, I'm a Mistress of Illusion and none of these Charlatans including Pastor Upright N. Uptight or his number one bitch Mrs. Emma Gundy has the power to pierce my illusions."

"Are you sure?" Semi asked as he glanced around. Still, no one seemed to be paying attention to them, with the possible exception of Vee, although he seemed to be counting the evenings take at the moment. Semi's heart ached to see his precious Vee so beholden to the teachings of this new church and the almighty credit!

"Absolutely certain, my dear. But I have need of the LWMBP Espionage Squad and that means you!"

"But, how? I mean, I'll do whatever you ask, but I'm not sure what I can do alone. I don't even understand why I was able to break free of their control."

"You were able to break free because your power of invisibility is based on illusion and deception as well. Those of us with illusion based powers are better able to see through someone elses use of deception," Crujectra explained "And fear not, you won't fight alone. Ever since this all started, I've been planning my own little fun and games. But right now we have work to do! I need you to lure Vee into one of the back rooms where I'll be waiting. Once we free him from their control, we'll go get the others."

"Okay, Princess, let's go!" Semi said, his back straightening in determination.

High above Legion World in an invisible satelite, the newly retconed Anti-Moderator watches with interest as his pawn Pastor Upright N. Uptight goes about his business.

Dissatisfied with what he sees he reaches for a mikrophone, "Uptight, you fool," the words are hissed into the air, "have you found Crujectra yet? She could still appear and destroy our plans."

In the rectorium of the UCC Building, Pastor Upright N. Uptight suddenly sits bolt upright. He quickly shoves Emma Grundy's head away from his lap, interupting her dutiful prayers. God has spoken to him again.

"Emma, call out everyone, Princess Crujectra must be found and killed immediately. Oh, and have that fool Cobalt eliminate Semi and Vee, It seems they disagree with my choice of a new manager at SHAKES."

He pauses and stares thoughtfully at her moist lips. "Then, you may resume your prayer session."

Meanwhile, at a fashionable boutique full of frothy white flowers and chairs upholstered in pastel taffeta, Umber, Arachne and Homecoming Queen sat pondering several wedding garters. Homecoming Queen had covered her eyes as Umber picked up a racy red one. Arachne began to titter as she imagined the gasps of horror that would come from the congrgation if Umber dared to wear such a scandalous accessory.

Titter? she thought. She shook her head, immediatly losing that train of thought. Composing herself, she smoothed out her white poodle skirt.

White poodle skirt!?![i] But what else would she be wearing? True, it was a bit scandoulous, but so much more practical than the really long skirts. [i]I just need a drink of -- of what? She couldn't quite recall. It was something black and rich. Koko-cola? No... As if she would ever touch something as strong as caffine! No, it's something different, something...

She felt as if the room was spinning.

Meanwhile, in another galaxy, far far away, Faraway, Outdoor Miner, Shark Lad, KPand Grey Bird Boy looked hopefully at the mysterious Golden Girl.

"O Golden One, can you get us back to Legion World?" asked Shark Lad. "I fear terrible things are happening to our home and our friends, and I miss the Embassy Pool."

"The power to return and rescue Legion World is within each of you" counseled the Golden Girl. "I am the embodiment of tag-team stories past and future, the essence of your inspiration, imagination, general good will and all-out silliness. I appear at your darkest hour to restore your faith and give you strength to continue. Believe in me and succeed!"

A benign and beautiful golden glow settled over the far away galaxy, and Golden Girl disappeared, leaving a faint echo: "I will return when I'm needed..."

"We have to get back to Legion World somehow. Faraway, can you use your faraway force to transport us?" asked Miner.

With Grey Bird Boy's tracking abilities, my faraway force and your teleportation, Miner, we will return!" vowed Faraway Lad. The team concentrated on their home world and, suddenly, they were in the back alleyway between Shakes and the Starfield Lounge.

"What is going on here?" gasped Outdoor Miner. "The Lounge is surrounded by barbed wire and armed guards!"

" Watch out" hissed Shark Lad. "There goes Bob Jones Boy, dressed in a commandant's uniform. Who let that idiot out of the asylum? Looks like he's headed to Cobie's Security Office. Grey, can you fly after him and find out what's going on?"

Grey BIrd Boy flew upwards without a word.

"What now?" asked Kid Prime, as the rest of the team withdrew into the safety of the shadows.

Outdoor Miner looked at Kid Prime thoughtfully, then asked a question that had been on all of their minds.

"If that racist nutbag Bob Jones Boy is running around loose, who have they got locked up?"

Kid Prime thoght for a moment then replied.

"Maybe I can find out."

KP's form began ro shift, but before he could complete the transformation. Grey Bird Boy returned.

"Problems guys, I just got a look inside that compound..."

"it looks like they're decorating it for the most over the top, lilly filled wedding! There's flowers everywhere, there's a pulpit been put into the far end with two rows of pews stretching out from it"

"But who wants to get married?" Asked someone else (I've forgotten who else apart from Grey Bird Boy is on side right now so bear with me, use your imagination if you're totally stuck, if you haven't got an imagination then this whol;e thread is propbably a lost cause on you anyway so don't worry anyway and sue for breach of entertainment value if you are really feeling pedantic - there's plenty of space lawyers hanging about the edges of these sort of events just awaiting a casualty to approach with their cards.... the vultures! Whatever, I'm not going too much further with this right now anyway so just hang on in there. Though the realisation that I could have saved myself from an awful lot of typing if I'd only pressed the 'back' key on my task bar I could have read who else was in this scene - d'oh!! And I think I've remembered that Outside Miner was one of them so let's all agree it was him who asked the question okay?)

ANYWAY from behind them came an unexpected voice saying "You'll never live to find out! Bwah ha ha ha ha"

Oh NO! What dastardy plot had our intrepid heroes landed in now?

And will they survive to reach the end of this thread?

And who's turn is it to ut the kettle on?

Stay tuned - or even better and definitely preferably, write it yourself!

*Interlude*

Was SHE, talking to ME? Cause If She was talking to ME...

*End Interlude*

interlude*******

Probably.

Wanna make something of it?

I think it would make a nice table dressing if printed off and folded correctly like you find in swanky restaurants, but that's probably just me

end interlude*******

Inside SHAKES

"Okay, Princess, let's go!" Semi said, his back straightening in determination.

Another breezelike shimmer passed across the Princess' face and she was back in her disguise of the old crone. With a wink to Semi, she began...

"Oy! Look at 'im! Soused and spread out like a sow in the trough! Me Mistress, the Madam Von Tingle will be properly livid when she eyes 'im, for sure. Master Keep, would you be so kind as to help this poor woman remove his sorry corpulence out of your establishment? These old bones ache at the thought of his flabbiness already and I've yet to try movin' 'im!"

"Of course, Pri.. ! <Whew! almmost blew that!> Pray tell, how are you going to get Master Von Tingle home? Surely you can't carry him?"

"Me cart's out back in the alley. With your kind help getting him to there, I kin manage 'im from there."

A quick glance around the room assured Semi that no one cared enough about what was going on nor would any offer assitance. Semi hoisted Von Tingle up in a fireman's carry and he and the crone headed for the back rooms and rear entry.

Once out of sight, the Princess dropped her illusion and the two of them quickly took Von Tingle to the back door and tossed him into the alley in a heap. Shutting the door quietly, they moved back down the hallway to one of the stockrooms.

Inside, the Princess turned to Semi and reminded him of his task. "Remember, get Vee to come back here with you as soon as you can. Once you get him in here turn invisible immediately and stay that way until I tell you it's okay to materialize. Lots of our friends are in trouble and it's time we started taking matters into our own hands!"

"Be right back," Semi nodded and went back out into the common room.

Things there were pretty much as he had left them, although Vee was over by the piano, inspecting it as if he could tally up it's worth by simply staring at it.

"Vee," Semi said as he moved up next to him.

"Hmm? Yes, what is it?"

"We need to talk," Semi continued trying to get Vee's attention away from the piano.

"Later. Right now I'm trying to figure out what we can get for this if we sell it before Von Tingle takes over. It's got to be wortha few hundred credits at least."

"A few hundred?!!! Are you crazy?" Semi exploded then caught himself <Chill, Semi chill! Don't blow it!>

"What? You don't think so? Shows you what you know about value! Huh, it's a good thing I'm here!" Vee smirked.

"It just surprised me that it could be worth that much," Semi lied through clenched teeth. "But, if you say so." he added with a shrug "Actually I was thinking along the same lines. Remember the painting I had over the bar?"

"Yeah?" Vee said, still inspecting the piano.

"Vee listen to me. That painting is worth a whole lot more. Ten time, no a hundred times more than this piano."

"Whoa! That crappy painting, you must be crazy."

"Vee, I know what I'm talking about. It was painted by one of the true masters of old Earth. We need to do something with it fast or we're going to be out a whole lot more than just a few hundred credits!"

"Are you serious? You are, aren't you?" Vee said, a sudden gleam in his eyes. "Where is it? I remember you stopped me from shrinking it. What did you do with it?"

"I put it away in one of the backrooms until..." Semi started to explain but didn't get very far.

"Show me! Show me where it is!" Vee insisted, grabbing Semi by the arm.

"Alright, it's in back..." Semi said and led Vee into the back hallway and to the room where Crujectra remained hidden.

"It's in here, on the top shelf. Back there, see it?" he said as he pointed to the very back of the room.

Vee immediately hurried into the room and Semi instantly turned invisible after shutting the door behind them....

Icefire tugged at the collar of his heavily starched shirt and for the tenth time adjusted his bow tie as he examined himself critically in the full length mirror. He was not about to risk having his appearance be less than perfect on the most important day of his life. In the mirror behind him he could see his friends. Italian Boy was serving as his Best Man, while Healex, Sonnie Bozzo, STU, and Danny Blane were his ushers; they stood quietly in a semi circle behind him, silently waiting for him to be satisfied with his appearance. And he had been satisfied a moment ago, until Italian Boy had jokingly commented that the bow tie made him look like Tucker Carlson.

Italian Boy obviously thought that the reference would ease his nervousness. He knew how much Icefire admired the brilliant young liberal Televangelist, but the ploy had backfired. And, now Icefire was even more concerned than ever about his appearance.

“Still, after last night…” Icefire thought to himself, “She seemed so eager…”

The previous evening when Umber had returned home, she had been flushed with excitement over the success of her daring escapade. And, she had made good her promise, Tongue kissing him not once but twice in the hallway outside her room. The second kiss was especially memorable. He had started to turn away after they broke apart the first time but she pulled him back into her embrace. Then she actually threw her arms around his neck instead of keeping them against his chest to provide a proper separation between their bodies. For the first time he had felt her bosom pressed tightly against his chest. Rockets seemed to go off in his head; the sheer excitement lifted him to dizzying heights. He almost fainted when she allowed his tongue to penetrate beyond her teeth and actually began to suck on it lightly. His body’s reaction almost frightened him but she seemed to like it and responded to his arousal by pressing herself even more tightly against him. He had to wonder, considering her daring, what would have happened if the maid hadn’t chosen that moment to wander down the hallway. Why he might have gotten to second base, before they were married. The anticipation he now felt for their wedding night…

As he wandered slowly around the mansion’s grounds, observing the preparations for the wedding, Pastor Upright, N. Uptight allowed himself a small self satisfied smile. This wedding was one of the three phases of his godlike masters plan to finally conquer Legion World. He would ensure that it came off perfectly.

“How far I have risen,” he thought to himself wonderingly, “from that lowly day so many years ago on Bourbon Street when the master found my drunken and lecherous, alternate self and separated me from him.”

A small laugh escaped his lips as that thought crossed his mind. How would the LMBPers react if they ever discovered his true origin? Would they understand his need to have Semi and Vee out of the way? Especially Vee, he could never claim to be his own man while Vee still existed.

That question died in his mind when a small puppy, which had been frolicking among the chairs, being set up for the ceremony, ran to him and jumped against his leg. The filthy little thing had soiled his sparkling white formal robes. Instantly a towering rage overcame him, and with a thought both the dirt spot and the puppy shrank to invisibility.

Something else else Amazing carefully checked the contents of his amazing catering truck. The unexpected call to provide the food and other refreshments for this amazing wedding had come only two days ago. Apologetically, he had informed the pastor’s secretary that on such short notice he could not possibly provide the type of amazing menu that his service was so amazingly famous for. Amazingly, that sad admission had not elicited the expected disappointment from the pastor’s secretary. Her musical laughter still echoed in his mind as he checked the contents of his warmers. “I’m positive, Mr. Amazing,” She said, “that your menu will astound the guests at the wedding.” He almost objected to the inappropriate adjective use, but the figure she quoted, and paid in advance, silenced him. It also allowed him to pay the exorbitant fees necessary to import some prime delicacies in time for this gala affair.

In the fourth sub-basement of the United Charlatan Church Headquarters the Emerald Empress glares at the laughing figure of Emma Grundy. The source of the redoubtable Mrs. Grundy’s amusement is the sight of the Space Ranger writhing in pain on the floor of his cell after repeatedly being blasted by the laser vision of Kara, Dev-Em, and Harbinger.

“Your precious Ranger can’t take much more,” Emma smilingly comments as she turns toward the Empress, “and even the eye can’t repair all of the damage they’re doing.”

One floor above, Numf-El is engaged in a furious conversation via his LMBP communicator. He is so angered by what is happening one floor below that his accent is starting to show, slightly.

“Princess, he cannae take much more o’ this. I’ve got t’ get them outa theer.”

“Numfie, I know it’s difficult. But the Ranger and the Empress knew what they were in for when I sent them back into SHAKES. They have to keep those three occupied in order for our plan to work. I’ll signal you when the time is right for you to move. Now I’ve got to go, Semi is bringing Vee to me as we speak and I have to handle this very carefully.”

Numf-El came as close as he ever has to disobeying royal orders at that moment. But, his long held traditional British beliefs won out in the end and he gritted his teeth as he waited for Crujectra’s signal.

On the floor below, the Empress made a solemn vow to herself that she was going to personally kick Emma Grundy’s sprocking bitch ass all over the galaxy when this charade was over.

In an alley outside the Starfield Room, five figures huddle in the shadows as Outdoor Miner attempts to make sense of the scene reported to them by Grey Bird Boy…

* Interlude *

Just in case anyone is interested, here is the menu prepared by Somethig Amazing for the Gala Wedding. He appologizes for how plain it is, but he was working on short notice.

The Wedding of Icefire and Umber

Reception Menu

Catered by:
Something else else Amazing Catering Service
Amazing Cave
Legion World
Galaxy M81
(247) 247-2470

Main Course Options:

Curried Yak Sak in Bitterroot Sauce
Pigmy Railroad Trunk Al Dante
Amazing Allegory Tale Tartar

Side Dishes:

French Fried Watercress
Lettuce Pray Salad with Sulfur and Brimstone Dressing
Amazing Artichoke Heart’s Delight in Albanian Assurance Sauce
Brussels’s Sprouts basted with Cod Liver Oil
Poached Fish Eggs
Rocky Mountain Oysters with garlic & sage dressing

For desert:

Devils Food Cake (served by the pastor with a stern warning)
Death by Stoning Delight (with real granite chunks)
Angel’s Food Cake (all you can eat)
Used Rice Pudding (late comers only)

From the Bar:
Holy water
Holy water with lemon
Holy water with lime
Holy water with Miss Cherry Delight (small donation required)

* End Interlude *

As the ushers made their way down the aisle, Pastor Uptight smiled. "Here we go..." he thought.

Greybird Boy, Kid Prime, Shark Lad, Outdoor Miner and Faraway Lad huddled in the ally, all with gray cloaks over them now. Greybird Boy sadly explained the situation in the Starfield Lounge. "It looks like Eyrk Davis Ester and Cobalt Kid have created a prison camp that puts anything I've ever seen to shame. They just got through beating Quis. Worse, they keep referring to the torture of Emerald Empress and Space Ranger, which must be even worse. Still, I don't know why they're using the Starfield Lounge when they could just use the other prison..."

Kid Prime suddenly realized why. "They're going to kill him. That's why. They're using it to kill the Legion World citizens who somehow haven't fallen under the spell." Dread and fear came across their faces. "We have to do something"

"Wait!" said Furball suddenly, coming out of the shadows. Like Shark Lad, it was hard for him to hide himself. In his arms he held Lard Lad and Yugo Lass (Hummer Lass). "Ri ridn't know rut to ro..." he said, explaining that he was unsure of what to do and kidnapped Lardy and Hummer Lass, two LMBers he thought he could count on.

However, LardLad looked slim and in shape, with his beard shaven off. Hummer Lass was now Yugo Lass, who was known only for her being easy when she kissed on the first date. "We'll have to try something to make them come back to us..."

What they didn't know was that Yugo Lass was a bridesmaid in Umber's wedding, and they were wondering where she was...

Icefire stood beside Italian Boy, watching the groomsmen escorting the bridesmaids down the aisle. "My, how handsome all the groomsmen look" thought Icefire. And they were all handsome in their tuxedoes. Icefire glanced at Italian Boy. Italian Boy flashed a smile at Icefire. "This is it buddy, your last chance to escape." Italian Boy joked with a wink and a mock punch to the arm. Icefire felt a little dizzy. Italian Boy reach out and steadied Icefire, who looked like he was about to collapse.

Italian Boy's hands felt strong and Icefire felt ... safe in them. Icefire took a deep breath. He could close his eyes and tell it was Italian Boy next to him just by the scent. "Heh Heh. I know why you are wozzy!" said Italian Boy as he looked down at Icey's pants. "Thinking about the honeymoon already, eh loverboy? Well this will probably be the last time I get to do this." Italian Boy adjusted Icefire's tuxedo to hide his embarassment. Icefire blushed. "Why didn't this happen last night when I was kissing Umber?"

Just then the Wedding March began and Umber started down the aisle. Icefire and Italian Boy began walking to met her. A thought in Icefire's head bothered him. What did Italian Boy mean by "last time"?

"Last time, last time?" whirled through Icefire's brain. He began feeling slightly ill. Something else else was seriously wrong. He scanned the church. The colour scheme was not his favourite, but that had been Umber's choice...there was a bridesmaid missing, one of the ushers was walking down the aisle alone and, boy, was he hot, that long blonde hair tied back with a black ribbon, those broad shoulders...

"What am I thinking?" Icefire cried, clutching his head. He reeled; Italian Boy reached out to steady him, one hand brushing the back of Icefire's neck. A small device fell to the carpet and Icefire gasped.

"I DON'T! I WON'T! I CAN'T MARRY YOU UMBER!" he cried out in horror.


Meanwhile, in the alleyway behind SHAKES, Grey Bird Boy was trying to communicate what he had seen to the team. "Horribile dictu" he gasped. "Delendo computarum ecclesiorum!"

"Oh no, he's speaking in Latin...he must have encountered the Royal Inquisitor" surmised KP. "But I think he's saying we have to destroy a computer in the church."

Inside SHAKES

As he moved towards the back of the room, Vee heard the door close but thought nothing of it, so focused was he on the value of that immoral piece of art. "You'd better be right about this piece of trash, Semi. Either way, we're going to be getting rid of it. There's no place for it here."

Semi of course didn't answer. Now invisible, the semi translucent one moved carefully off to one side, unsure what the Princess was about to do but anxious to see this nightmare end. "What could the bitch & bastard have done to my Vee to get him to change so drastically! It's almost as if he's a completely different person! Then again, I sure wasn't acting like myself either. My god! I can't believe I actually was planning how to KILL him! How could someone twist our personalities SO much"

As Vee reached the back shelves and pulled down the painting, Crujectra made her move.

"Beautiful isn't it?" she asked softly as she motioned slightly with her right hand. "Remind you of anyone?"

"Who?..." Vee reacted and spun around. When he did though he was plunged into a nightmare vision! He was no longer in the storage room. Instead, he appeared to be in one of the lower levels of the jail.

In one cell, he could see that wicked seductress, Emerald Empress, kneeling on the rough concrete floor, her hands tighly gripping the bars as she looked on in horror. In another cell, Space Ranger lay sprawled on the floor, beaten and bruised with what appeared to be charred, still smoking burns all up and down his arms, torso and legs. The look of intense, horrific pain on his face was enough to make you puke!

Vee barely registered both of those visions because in the central area between the cells, were Semi, Mistress Grundy, Pastor Upright N. Uptight, Dev-Em, Kara & Harbinger.

Semi was on his knees on the floor, Kara gripping and twisting his left arm and Harbinger his right. Dev-Em had his foot planted in the small of Semi's back while his hand yanked Semi's head painfully backward by the hair.

"That's it, my children, hold him. Don't let him move!" the pastor was saying. "Mistress, this one has been found guilty of sins beyond forgiveness! You may have the honor of dealing with him.

It was then that Emma Grundy stepped forward, a gleaming stilletto in her right hand. "Shall I remove the offending parts from this filth first?" She asked, the stilletto pointing at Semi's groin...

Icefire’s outburst Caught Pastor Uptight completely off guard. In seconds the entire crowd gathered for the wedding was in an uproar. Umber’s father almost charged the alter before her mother grabbed his arm and held him back. The groomsmen surrounded Icefire bombarding him with questions. The bridesmaids were in a tight knot around Umber, who was alternately crying and screaming “Icey, I love you, why are you doing this to me? WHY?”

Knowing that he only had seconds at best to regain control of the situation, Pastor Uptight reached for the Father Box strapped to his arm and increased the signal strength of the input to the control nodes worn by everyone at the wedding, the uproar quieted, but only a little.

Italian Boy stared at Icefire as if he was seeing him for the very first time. His best friend looked shaken, wobbly and unsteady on his feet, and the things he was saying…

“I just can’t do it. I like Umber a lot, but I love someone else, Hell I love more than one other person, and I can’t decide who I love the most, Sharkey, or you Italian Boy. I can’t marry her when I know it’s not her I really want.”

For a second Italian Boy understood his friend completely, he knew what Icey was struggling with, the love that… But, how could this… Icey would never…

Then Umber’s screams caught Italian Boy’s attention, and from somewhere in the back of his mind, a puritanical vision of how things should be, how things had to be, no matter what, because it was right and what Icey was saying was wrong. Icey couldn’t love him. Icey couldn’t love that damm freak Sharkey. It wasn’t right. It couldn’t be allowed. He had to bring his best friend back to his senses, to make the marriage happen, once Umber had a chance to work her magic on him again, Icey would thank him…

Pastor Upright N. Uptight was forced to hold his emotions in check when he saw Italian Boy’s punch drop Icefire. “Young fool never saw it coming,” he thought, “good thing his was the only malfunctioning node. Still I have to move fast.”

With an expression of concern painted onto his face he moved quickly to Icefire’s prone form. Kneeling down next to him and pretending to examine him while his fingers searched for the malfunctioning node. It wasn’t there!

He reached into his robes and pressed a button on his belt. Miss Cherry Delight, (better known as the android Candy) who was assisting Something else else Amazing with the final setup for the reception dinner, suddenly disappeared and at hyper-speed a new control node was delivered to the pastor. He replaced the node and palmed a second device as he stood. There was a way out of this if he acted fast.

“Brethren,” his amplified voice resounded through the congregation, “Brethren, listen to me a heinous and ungodly act has been committed here.” The congregation turned their eyes to him. His words, amplified by the stronger signals being sent to their control nodes, reached out to the angry congregation and held them fast.

He held his left hand up displaying the small device. “This is the cause,” he proclaimed in stentorian tones, “this mind control device was attached to Icefire’s neck. That was not him you heard speaking. It was whoever planted this device on him. This fine young man is not at fault, he has been used to further someone else’s evil plan.”

As he spoke his sweeping motion of his right arm indicated Icefire, who was slowly being helped to his feet by Italian Boy and Sonnie Bozzo.

“But who would do such a thing?” Umber’s father’s voice resonated through the still air.

“Who indeed sir,” the pastor replied, “Who among the people who should be celebrating today, has not shown his face?”

“Semi!” Pure hatred resonated in Umber’s father’s voice as he shouted the name. “Semi is the bastard who ruined my beloved daughters wedding. We have to do something, to show him he can’t do this to us.”

“Burn SHAKES to the ground!” Umber’s mother was standing on a chair as she screamed to the crowd. “Burn it I say.”

“NO!” Icefire’s voice cut off the rising mob mentality. “NO! We can’t lower ourselves to his level.” He looked directly into Umber’s eyes. “Umber, I Love You. I want to marry you. Please, Forgive me…”

Umber practically shoved her father and mother back into their seats as she rushed the last few steps to the altar. “Icey, I Love You! I know it wasn’t you!!”

Pastor Upright N. Uptight smiled to himself as he picked up his prayer book and said, “Dearly Beloved, We Are Gathered Here…”

There were no further interruptions.

The Anti-Moderator sat observing the wedding his finger poised over the button that would flash fry the pastor if it were pressed and watched with grim satisfaction as his master plan continued. His other hand manipulated a control that ensured the master computer would feed the majority of the control signal to the wedding party. He would brook no further interruptions.

In the fourth sub basement of the United Charlatan Church building Harbinger stares in horror at the smoking ruin that was once Space Ranger. Just an instant ago she was gleefully burning away with her laser vision, enjoying the pain that she could actually feel resonating off of the Ranger’s body. But, now it hurt her as much as it did him.

“Oh, Ranger, what have I done?” She moaned softly to herself. Then she realized that Dev-Em and Kara were still burning away at the Ranger. Her decision and action were instantaneous…

She punched Dev, slamming him through the wall! She turned and wailed on Kara, sending her flying as well! Emma Grundy was in shock, as she turned around. Before she could, Harbinger swung around, scooping up the Empress, as the Empress blasted at Emma Grundy. "What...?" said the Empress, too tired to move anymore. "Sh. I don't know what's happening, but we need to get out of here." Harbinger swung back around and picked up the burning Space Ranger, knowing that she was hurting him by carrying him so, but knowing it was for the best. Next, she busted through the roof of the prison, knowing that she had no plan whatsoever, and had no idea what to do. She just flew away as fast as possible.
-----------

Over the intercom, Eryk Davis Ester and Cobalt Kid heard from Emma Grundy of Harbinger's escape with Space Ranger and the Empress. "Traitorous witch." said EDE. "I'm gonna rip them all to shreds" said Cobalt "I'm tired of this pussy-footing around. Let's just kill these bastards" The looked at Quis, who was being torutured by the Royal Inquisitor, who was newly arrived and appeared to agree with Pastor Uptight's ideas. "I'll go" said Cobalt, then turning on his inter-com "Super Lad Kid, Lash Lad, Lucien, I need you to come with me."

As Cobalt prepared to take off, Outdoor Miner and Greybird Boy saw their chance. Miner teleported to where Harbinger was.

Harbinger flew with Space Ranger and Emerald Empress, until suddenly she saw the shape of Greybird Boy in front of her. "Wait!" he yelled. "Grey, I don't know..." "Sh. I do. Stop, we'll land over there. We need to find some sort of place to set up shop, and I know where we could."

As Furball and the unconcious Lard Lad and Hummer Lass, joined them, Kid Prime, Faraway Lad and Shark Lad prepared to break into the Starfield Lounge and rescue Quis from imminent death...

At that exact moment...

At that exact moment, Icefire was kissing his new bride Umber.

Meanwhile, the Royal Inquistor was about to turn the wheel on the rack to which Quis was straped to. "No.. No Please.." begged the plucky lad. "In..in my pocket.." The Royal Inquistor reached into Quis' suit coat pocket. There was a folded piece of paper. Unfolding it, the Royal Inquistor read "Restraining Order: by Order of Legion World Leader Princess Crujectra, no one shall torture the bearer of this Order. Violators will be subject to the wrath of Legion World" "HA! You think this piece of paper from a known pervert will save you?" The Royal Inquistor gave another turn of the wheel. "AAAARRRGGHHH!!!!!" cried out Quis. Suddenly the floor around the Royal Inquistor turned into a giant hand, grabbed him and pulled him down into the floor.

Cobalt Kid and Eryk Davis Ester looked in shock. From the rack, Quis said defiantly "There's more where that came from if you don't watch out."


Somewhere out in space the Anti-Moderator watched and wondered if his plan will succeed or not.