Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business The Omen and Prophet - Reworked

The Re-reading the Legion: Archives Volume 19 thread has been looking at the Omen and Prophet story in recent weeks. The thread (linked here) provides lots of commentary on the issues and information on what was going on behind the scenes at the time of its publication. So, I’d recommend reading it before continuing.

One of the common points raised in this story is that it doesn’t seem to work in the way intended. The thread shows that this isn’t only because it was originally a three parter, extended to four.

But what would it take to remove those rough edges?

As Published

Here’s a very quick summary of the issues as they were published. It’s a rough outline, mainly used to keep me on track as I was making changes. The reread thread provides lots more detail.

307 – 23 pages
Legionnaires investigate the ruins of Trewsk (2)
They detect 2 departing humanoid and give chase, only to be thrown towards a planet (2)
They crash on the planet with Phantom girl still inside the shuttle (1)
Element Lad and Cham return from delivering Vi to Medicus 1. Jan is informed that he’s leader and Cham is punched by Star Boy for impersonating Nura as a Durlan. (1)
Ambassador Relnic and Legionnaires attend diplomatic talks on Khundia. Garth & Imra are going to have a child (1.25)
Blok engages with a Khundian champion (1.66)
Legionnaires use a radiation trail to track the 2 humanoids to Corven IV (1)
They are attacked by the local defences and their shuttle is destroyed (2)
The team settle on the surface and Jacques and Tinya depart towards the nearest settlement (1)
Jan visits Shvaughn. Gi Gi departs (sun boy date hint). Another leader comment. (1)
Tinya and Jacques encounter the locals of Corven IV who are entranced by a glowing ball of energy. Jacques is also entranced and the locals attack. (3)
The pair are rescued by Jo and Lar (1)
As negotiations are about to commence, the Khundian ambassador is informed of an approaching threat (1)
The ambassador ends the meeting, leaving questioning Relnic and Legionnaires, as a light appears outside (1)
Khundian fleet and armaments attack a figure The Prophet and are destroyed (1)
The Prophet delivers a warning (1)
The team from Trewsk locate the radiation trail to Khundia and head there (1)

308 – 14 pages
Khundian armaments are seen aimed at or destroyed. The Prophet’s’ face gives another prophetic statement (1)
The prophet stands before Khundian armaments (1)
He is about to show the Khundians something when he’s interrupted by Legionnaire he mistakes as demons. The Prophet directs the Khundian weapons to fire on Jo and Lar (1)
The others also evade the attack, while Jo and Lar fall to the Prophet’s stasis power(1)
The Legionnaires are told by Relnic that Khundia is being attacked by a being and 6 Legionnaires, . Recalling Cham’s mission, they are told to do nothing (2)
Dawnstar heads towards her naming place (1)
Dawny’s face segues into the Prophet’s. The Legion are now all held by the Prophet’s stasis power and he tells them his history of being transformed by the Omen (3)
Lar escapes only to be beaten back (1)
Wildfire and Thom are at Legion HQ. Thom bemoans not having dreamy, Jan’s election comes up again and Wildfire monitors Galtos, Vi, Danielle Foccart and Dawny subplots. (2)
The Prophet manes another pronouncement (1)

309 – 13 pages
The Legion, sans Lar, have all escaped form the prophets’ stasis power and face off to him. We’re not shown how they did this.(1- Splash)
The Legion attack The Prophet, who doesn’t immediately incapacitate them this time (3)
On Orando, a castle refuses to surrender to an old man, who has been sent there by an unknown group, one that previously destroyed a village on the planet. (1)
Brainy tries to cure Danielle Foccart, but fails. Computo is still in control and Brainy tranquilises her. (1)
On an unknown planet, The Omen witness or causes a transformation of a plant into an insect. Noticing the absence of The Prophet, he departs to find him (1)
On Khunda, The Prophet senses the Omen noticing his absence and looks to kill the Legionnaires (1)
The Khundian ambassador and Relnic argue over the Legion’s involvement. The Khundian threaten that Relnic’s actions will be at his own risk, and he calls in reinforcements. (1)
The Prophets’ blast is blocked by Blok, and the Prophet looks to attack again (1)
The Legion attack again, and Jacques notices a weakness. He gives Shadow Lass his plan and she stops the sun powering the Prophet (2)
Jo knocks out the Prophet. A glowing head of The Omen appears overhead (1)

310 - 23
The Omen stands above the Legionnaires (1)
The Omen reaches out for The Prophet as Imra tries to read the latter’s mind. Lar tries to stop the Prophet going (2)
Jan and Shvaughn kiss only to be interrupted by Zendak. Jan learns he’s leader (2)
The Omen gets the Prophet, despite Jo and Lar’s attempts to stop it. (2)
The Legion attack en masse and are blasted. (1)
In the rubble Relnic orders them to leave (1)
Brainy works on Danielle Foccart. Thinking of Kara, he’s interrupted by Drake, but doesn’t go with him (2)
The Omen constructs an energy dome, and discovers something on Khundia (1)
Tinya gets through to them but falls unconscious as Nura tells Relnic the legionnaires are staying (1)
The Legion attack the energy dome, although they’re interrupted by Khunds. Cos gets through the dome. (2)
Jan and Drake approach Khundia through a fleet (1)
The Khunds are unable to breach the dome. The Legion face the Prophet again (1)
The Omen begins to absorb the Prophet, as the pair have discovered a Negaton bomb. Lar tries to stop this by throwing the Prophet into space. Blok is blasted followed by the Legion (3)
Nura activates the bomb. The Omen is sucked through it (1)
Lyle Norg is left in its place, and in an Epilogue Relnic ends the diplomatic talks with a warning of his own. (1)

Constraints and Changes

Constraints

Keith needs a break for all sorts of reasons. – Done! The story is reduced from 73 pages across four issues to 45-48 pages across three issues. The Wildfire back-up can be moved into the third issue, giving it the same first/second story balance as the first two.

Lyle Norg has to appear at the end, due to it being a Giffen Surprise.

Where original material can be kept, it will be – If all that’s required is reshuffling the furniture, then that comes first.

Adding things in that won’t be in the Baxter book won’t work either. Norg was enough there.

It has to follow the Levitz Paradigm – The structure still has to follow the approach Levitz used throughout his run on the book.

Changes

Another read through the story resulted in a list of things to be adjusted. These are the main ones. The notes in the tweaked issues below will provide some more details.

- Showing how the Prophet separates from The Omen to go about his spreading of dire warnings.
- Reducing the number of times the Legion shuttle gets blasted from space, resulting in crashes.
- Reducing the Jan as leader comedy subplot
- Promoting the Khundian negotiations subplot. It’s one that’s been running since the start of the Levitz run, after all.
- Showing why the Khunds are having the negotiations in the first place.
- Removing Blok comedy Khund encounter, as it detracts from the tension of the negotiations..
- Show why the Prophet went to Corvan in the first place.
- Focus on the mission team. There are some other Legionnaires that can be removed without the story being impacted.
- Show some consistency in the Prophet’s powers. As published he had Just ‘Cause Plot Powers.
- Remove the redundancy caused by having to split the second act of the story across two issues.
- That will greatly reduce the number of times the Prophet stands around giving warnings.
- It will also reduce the number of times the Legion team is knocked out.
- Lar is not a punching bag, just to show off how conveniently overpowered the villains are. Even if the page is nice
- Make the Prophet’s reactions to the Legionnaires consistent, or give reasons why they aren’t.
- Remove Prophet infodump. Possibly because it’s dated, but for me it works better used differently.
- Remove Omni-Creep devices to catch up on subplots.
- Explain what’s being happening on Orando more clearly ahead of the Baxter series.
- Show a consistent Omen. He can remain a complete Enigma. So, no merging of psyches, or sudden ongoing experiments.
- Remove giant head from the sky.
- Give Lar something to do other than tug on someone’s cloak.
- Remove Energy Dome of Convenience.
- Keep Jacques out of certain death situations.
- Give the Prophet a chance to change. Currently he’s a walking plot device with no arc.
- Dirk is due for a date with GiGi and so can get moved back to Earth.


It’s quite a list. But, as mentioned in the re-read thread, I don’t think there’s anything actually broken with the plotting approach or the basics of the story structure.

I found that the last act is more of a lift and drop exercise, with a little trimming. The repetitions of the middle two issues can be removed, creating space to make changes as needed to strengthen the other scenes.

Keeping the above in mind, and a few quick notes gives me…

307

A group of research scientists, including Pierre and the Pastor, view the beautiful effects of the twin stars of Trewsk. A rare peak in solar activity is due. Using remotes, they have been broadcasting the event across the UP. They have also tracked a shoal of creatures whose migratory path, through this system, seems to coincide with timing of the event. We each have a path we must follow, says the Pastor about to depart for a conference that’s more about vanity than faith. Pierre asks the Pastor if he knew that Jacques had been made a Legionnaire. The Pastor, prideful and patronising in his way, has heard. A research scientist picks up an anomaly around the sun. If the Pastor doesn’t leave now, the increasing radiation levels will force him to stay. He chooses the conference.
( Builds the info dump into the story; allows for more Levitz scene switching; set up for themes; gives the Pastor a choice)

In the capital of Yagotha, Ambassador Relnic confers with Nura in the UP Embassy, (Lar can be seen in the background) prior to negotiations between the Khunds and the UP. The two discuss the tensions that have been steadily rising in recent months, with a number of Khundish incursions into UP territory. The Legion have faced them at Nullport, in mining planetoid and at the science asteroid.

Relnic is only too well aware of the Khunds hatred of the Legionnaires. He hopes that the hatred will distract his opponents during the negotiations and learn the reasons for their latest aggression. Perhaps that way he can avoid all-out war or getting killed.
(Reminder that this is the culmination of all the Khundia plots Levitz has provided; Relnic/ negotiation arc; Dreamy is still leader for the mission; Dirk back on Earth for his date with Gi Gi)

At the Trewsk research station, a figure has been identified in the anomaly. Solar activity sharply rises. The shoal of creatures hasn’t arrived to wait for the event. The sun seems to respond to their presence. Or is the anomaly responsible having sensed their scans? Radiation rises beyond safety limits and the station sends out a distress signal. Picking this up, the Pastor watches as a huge blast of energy engulfs Trewsk.
(continues to reintegrate the Infodump; sets up doubts over whether Omen is really responsible or just an observer)

Seeing Trewsk engulfed in flame, The Pastor blames himself as much as the anomaly. He heads towards it, overcome by guilt and possibly hate for himself and the anomaly. As his ship fails, a barely visible being reaches out to him. It could be a touch point to divinity but the realisation horrifies the Pastor, even as the thing transforms him. No longer human, he rejects his new from and flees into space. The Omen remains watching the solar activity. Unknowable. The alien shoal transforms before it, using the solar energy to send millions of seeds out into the stars.
(splits up the Omen and Prophet allowing the latter to deliver his warnings; provides pay off to the alien shoal; establishes transformation as theme.)

The paths of the seeds segue into the neural pathways of Danielle Foccart in Brainy’s lab. Brainy bemoans his failure, worrying about the transformation she’s undergone in his attempts to cure her. He tries to focus only to be interrupted by Drake (with Thom shown behind him) telling him he’s wanted for a mission to Trewsk.

Brainy considers for a moment, then ignores the summons. But in that moment of distraction, Computo awakes. Cursing himself, Brainy manages to activate a tranquiliser before Computo becomes fully active. Sitting on floor, recovering, he wonders if the others will allow him to close off comms to his lab. As he looks over at Computo, he concludes that it’s unlikely considering past events.
(Computo subplot also continuing transformation; Brainy at least looks at the situation before making a decision; little reminder to Omega/ Computo and a moment to see why Brainy is driven not only by curiosity but to make amends; lead in to Gim second story.)

Patrolling the perimeter of the upper UP Embassy on Khundia, the three founders look across a darkened city. A Galactica entry tells us that there’s very little space in the city. But we can see that there has been major construction work nearby, in the creation of a large domed building, bristling with defences. The three note that the Khunds war like nature seems to have them constantly arming themselves. Not that the UP is unprotected, which is probably why Relnic brought them. Imra and Garth tell Cos about Imra’s pregnancy. In the compound below, Blok is puzzled by the sound of celebration. (1 –Imra pregnancy subplot; reminder that Blok is there but drops comedy challenger; foreshadows bomb as reason for extra Khundian aggression and what was the energy dome (now a well defended building)

Energy still crackles over the shattered, burnt remains of Trewsk station. The field team of Jacques, Tasmia, Tinya and Brin survey the debris. Brin tries to lighten the mood, but Jacques doesn’t take kindly to it, telling them of Pierre. Shady covers the remains.
(Pierre personal connection closed)

Reviewing the remote broadcast feeds of the event, and using their shuttle to scan the area, they know of the anomaly. They see the recording of two energy flares departing from the star. The stronger flare has shot out of this sector. But the weaker of the two has stayed relatively local, and the team depart to investigate Corvan IV.
(keeps Omen and Prophet separate. Removes confusion scene where Prophet slams their ship into the Omen. Removes the first of the shuttle crashes.)

On Corvan, a being of energy raises his hands in front of a group of locals. They are wearing simple clothes, but carry advanced weaponry. They are enthralled by their visitor. A glowing disc begins to form in the air. Pulling back, the smoking wreckage of planetary defences, that he has destroyed on his arrival, can be seen. Back further and the glow attracts the Legion cruiser to the site. As the cruiser descends, Shady and Tinya talk about not having Jo or Lar around and that it’s not a terrible thing for them to have to use their own resources.
(establishes that the Prophet can enthral minds with his prophecies)

They get an early test of those resources when Corvan’s remaining defences target them and the shuttle is damaged. Tinya stays on board while the other three dispatch combat craft individually. The shuttle crashes.

On the rain-soaked surface, Brin begins to build cover around their damaged craft. Tinya turned immaterial at the last second and the shuttle’s auto repairs are in operation. She’s even landed near their target zone. Jacques and Tinya leave Shady and Brin behind to complete the repairs and make a report. Shady tells Brin to keep a safe distance as they settle in together. As Tinya and Jacques go towards the glowing village, in the pouring rain, he asks if anyone has visited Corvan before. Tinya tells him briefly that the Fatal Fives plans advanced the civilisation here beyond its capacity to cope.
(reminds readers more clearly about Corvan’s history (thanks to Cramer for this one) which also provides a reason why the Prophet would go there.)

Discussing the original Invisible Kid and what it means to have more limited powers as a Legionnaire, Jacques and Tinya reach the village. Seeing that it’s not raining in the centre where a crowd encircle the glow, they approach cautiously, hearing The Prophet switch between warnings and entreaties.
(keeping the excellent Jacques/ Tinya scene)

The being tells the people of Corvan that a Great Enemy is coming. The glowing disc between his hands shows them swirling demons; cultural evils plucked from their own minds. The eyes of the energy being glow strongly as he uses his powers. The Prophet tells the locals about their coming doom and pleads for them to use their advanced technology to aid him. But he sees that they fear him, and do not seem capable of harnessing the technology that he thought they had.

He tells them that they must heed him, But in focusing his powers, he picks up the thoughts of Jacques and Tinya. Jacques is also enthralled, and form his mind The Prophet sees the wreckage of Trewsk and Jacques bond with one of the men there. It triggers the guilt in his mind, revealing the being to be the pastor and the glowing form switches to that of The Prophet, as the glow shatters.
(links Pastor to Prophet without the infodump; further establishes the Prophet can entrance minds; more on the locals not really harnessing fatal five tech effectively; sets up eyes as weak point)

Stunned by the intrusion into his mind, Jacques becomes visible, just as the locals are directed against himself and Tinya. The pair use their powers to retreat; Jacques turning invisible, and Tinya drawing the attention of the townsfolk.

Instead of facing his pain on connecting with what he found in Jacques mind, The Prophet considers the intruders to be agents of the Great Enemy. He tells the locals as much, even as he realises that the people of Corven will not be effective against what’s to come.
(provides a reason why the Prophet thinks the Legion are agents of The Omen – he can’t face the truth; gives the Prophet a choice; Tinya spotlight; provides reason for Prophet to visit the planet – they have Fatal Five technology,)

Eyes glowing with as much fear as anger, The Prophet tells everyone that, having not joined him to face The Omen, that the end of everything is at hand and departs into the sky in a blaze of energy. A communication from Tasmia, back at the shuttle, tells them that the being is heading straight for Khundia
( uh oh. Keeps cliff-hanger on final page; removes Lar and Jo turning up as a rescue party; reminder of the glowing eyes; connects the two plots as the original did)

Second Story – Gim & Yera visit the Allons for dinner. (8 – 1 less than published)

308

In the Khundian capital, the Gil’Dishpan prepare to mediate between the Khunds and the UP. The talks are taking place on their ship, neutral territory above a secure facility. The talks are no sooner started with a Khundian accusation, than they’re ended as a Khundian tells his leader that they are being invaded. The Khundian delegation leaves and Relnic moves off to find out what’s happening. Among the stunned UP delegates, Lar begins to use his vision powers to scan the city.

The Prophet stands above the rapidly mobilising armaments of Yagotha, telling the Khunds that they shall either defeat the Great Enemy or perish here.

Some open fire, only to be disintegrated by the glowing eyed Prophet. The guns fall silent as he entrances the minds of those who survive. Marking his arrival, the Khundian skies glow.

On Orando, another man heads towards a fortress with a prophecy. He gives the defenders the chance to surrender while they can, but those inside tell him that they will make their last stand for their monarch here. Saddened, the old man returns to his masters telling them he tried.
(thematic linking and foreshadowing on events linked to the Second Story (Thanks to Cramer for pointing out an additional prophet in the story.))

Relnic enters the secure facility beneath the Gil’Dishpan ship. He tells the Legionnaires that the Khunds believe that the UP is behind the arrival of the Prophet. When the Legionnaires protest, he tells them that a Legion ship has entered the atmosphere, not far behind the Prophet.

Lar confirms this with his super vision, and tells the others that The Prophet has destroyed a Khundian fleet and fortifications. He sees the Prophet forming an energy construct between his hands, one that taps into their fears of impending doom.

Relnic tells them that the Khunds are treating it as an invasion. When the Legionnaires look to intervene, Relnic tells them to desist, reminding them of how paranoid the Khunds are towards the Legion. This has only increased following Chameleon Boy’s seeming raid on their capital. He only hopes the arriving Legionnaires don’t escalate matters further. Behind him, Imra touches the side of her head. Relnic leaves again, to find out what is going on, and try to reengage the Khundians informally. A portal near him shows a sunny glow from outside, an unlikely event on this planet.

Wishing Nura would return from her mission, Thom greets a returning Jan and Cham at Legion HQ. They have delivered Vi to Medicus one. We’re told that since Brainy had finished treating her, Dr Gym’ll will be picking up (we get to see a very ill looking Vi) the remainder of her recovery. Jan asks Drake if Gim has returned from his personal leave. They’re all conscious that Gim couldn’t bring himself to face Vi just yet. Thom says that Gim must still be getting over his surprise at being married to a Durlan. Cham makes a joke of this and is punched by Thom for his trouble. When Drake asks Jan if he’d like an update on the mission board, Jan laughs off being told he’s leader.
(shows concern/guilt from Gim towards Vi and that Brainy would take care of his friends’ immediate needs; Jan comedy leader subplot.)

The Prophet sees the arrival of the Legion shuttle. He knows them to be servants of the Omen (seeing them as demons again) and directs the Khundian turrets and troops he has enthralled, to open fire. Faced with such an attack, the Legion abandon the craft, using it as a decoy so they can get away using their own powers (Jacques simply disappears and flies off to cover; Tinya moves towards the guns, acting as a further decoy, Brin uses his super acrobatics, ripping apart ships and taking advantage of the many shadows Tasmia has created (although on Khundia, this doesn’t help as much as it normally would.)

Brin then tries to attack the Prophet directly, but is blasted away with the same energy that the Prophet used to create his glowing disc. Tinya has gained control of a Khundian craft and flies it into the Prophet, phasing out of it before it impacts. The Prophet stands unscathed in the smoking ruins of the crash. He chides the Legion, telling them that his allies stand against them and their master. They will fail. It is their destiny.
(This becomes the scene where the Legion shuttle is destroyed; We saw them arriving past the Corvan defences in the original, but not the Prophet controlled Khundian ones before. The Legion become the Servants of Darkness in the Prophet’s eyes, in a switch from the GDS. Another link next issue.)

Destiny is on Dawnstar’s mind as she approaches the dream nebula. She hopes to find some clue as to who her life partner will be. She thinks of Wildfire, looking out at the stars. She realises that she cannot chase dreams, and departs into the darkness towards her naming place.
(set up for next issue and its second story)

Tasmia also moves through darkness, towards her target: The Prophet (Behind her, we can see the newly constructed dome that the founders saw from the diplomatic conference). She reinforces her shadows against the energy the man is throwing off. The Prophet senses a mind that is not under his control nearby and turns towards her.

He suddenly stops as Imra makes mental contact with him. As his mind has been ravaged by recent events, this unnerves him. Behind Imra, in the secure facility, the Khundian ambassador argues with Relnic regarding the Legion instigation of the event. Relnic counters that the Legion may be trying to help against the other, unknown, assailant. The Khundian mentions that the battle is taking place at a military installation, and that the Khunds need no help in defending it. Relnic dryly remarks at the large number of military installations in the city, something the Khundian takes as a compliment, and that the ambassador should reduce his rhetoric.

As the pair argue, Imra bends forward sharply, rejected by the powerful mix of emotions in The Prophet’s mind. She had tried to learn about him or, if possible, shut him down remotely. She learns of the Prophet’s connection with Trewsk, but other than that, only fear of what the Omen will bring. Garth comforts her. Lar and Rokk look ready to take action.

Looking out at the battle (and specifically the dome) the Khundian tells Relnic that the Warlords have determined that the Legion must leave the planet… or war will be declared.
(reinforces the dome – now with particularly sinister military aspects to it; Escalation of the Khund/ UP tensions. The Legion learn who the Prophet is which will make them choose sides when the Omen arrives)

Shady punches the distracted Prophet, who has paused while reacting to Imra’s intrusion. He feels the blow but, as he’s no longer really human, it has little effect. She pulls back and covers her foe in a cone of shadow. He cries in pain, prompting Tasmia to move into her shadow zone. She sees that the Prophet is weakened by her powers, but he unleashes a desperate. concussive wave of energy from inside the darkness, throwing her back as well as flattening the others. The darkness fades and The Prophet rants at them, saying he will not be captured by The Omen’s servants.
(Spotlights Shady, where she makes deductions of her own.)

His eyes glow as he sees a Khundian battle fleet overhead. He has lost his control. He screams that those who do not stand with him will surely fall before the Omen. His eyes begin to glow once again, and his lips curl in hatred. He prepares to attack the Legionnaires who are just rising from the rubble. This gives Jacques the idea that the Prophet’s powers come from a connection to the sun, even though it can’t be seen. He tells Shady to aim for his eyes. Shady sends two beams of shadow directly into the Prophet’s eyes and he screams.

On a distant world, the eyeless Omen watches a plant blossom. From it, comes an insectoid creature. It flutters for a moment then flies off leaving the Omen in a state of wonderment (judging by those emotive exclamations that pass as his language). Watching the sky, he feels the distress of The Prophet (The Prophet’s face briefly superimposes on his own). A single exclamation is expressed and a small frown appears. He departs.
(All captions indicating what The Omen is feeling or wants are removed. He’s to be a mystery)

Perhaps because he has been separated from his Omen-given powers, The Prophet seems more lucid for a moment. He sees the Legionnaires for who they are, recognising Jacques from his recent chats with Pierre. His power is quickly returning though, and he rants at the Legion to join him against the Omen, before everything they know is destroyed. He will make[i/] them join him. As the Legion brace themselves for another attack, The Prophet realises that the Omen has discovered his absence and is returning for him (not necessarily the case, but that’s what he thinks).

His anger turns to terror. With his head encased with clinging shadows, he tells them they have doomed themselves. With only a moment before the Prophet is once again too powerful to deal with, Brin uses super speed, acrobatics and strength to deliver a knock out blow.
[i](Removes the need to have Jo & Lar knocked about by Plot powers, retaining focus on the mission team. Only Imra was added; Removes repeated mass thumpings of the team.)

As Brin wonders what they do about The Prophet, The Omen arrives; a giant figure above the city
(removes floating face)

Second Story – Val and Jeckie’s honeymoon and a lead into the Baxter series.

309

The giant Omen looks down on The Legion and The Prophet amidst the battlefield of the Khundian capital. The recently constructed dome can be seen behind them.

In the secure facility beneath the Gil’Dishpan ship, Imra tells the others that she can only pick up a mass of jumbled images in The Omen’s mind. She does know that The Prophet, who was once human, fears what it can do. Nura asks Imra to see if she can learn anything more from The Prophet, now that he’s unconscious.

Relnic, following his discussion with the Khundian ambassador last issue, sees the Legion about to go into action, and orders them to withdraw. The Khunds consider it an internal matter and war will be declared. They had ordered that the Trewsk mission team be handed over, but Relnic has refused this. As the Legion react, he tells them to stop debating… and leave. He’s not happy about it, but there’s finality in his voice.

On the Khundian battlefield, The Omen locates the unconscious form of The Prophet. Two homing beams emanate from him towards his servant. Brin tries to intercept one of them, but they simply avoid him, converging on their target. Surrounded by energy, and drawn near to The Omen, The Prophet wakes, and screams at the fate he thinks awaits him. He tells the Legionnaires once again that they have doomed this world. At this, there’s a question form The Omen. It looks at the dome. An arriving Lar flies into both Omen and Prophet speeding them back out of Khundian orbit, leaving trail of energy behind. The planet is only under threat if they’re still on it, he tells them.

The remaining Legionnaires, with the Khundian ambassador, arrive at the scene of the battle. A holo of Relnic is haranguing Nura for not following his orders. Nura tells him that they are not leaving, and that the enemy isn’t concerned with territory. There are lives to be saved here. Behind her, the founders share an impressed look. The Khundian ambassador threatens them all and leaves towards the dome. Back at the secure facility, Relnic smiles, as he looks to summon reinforcements.
(removes Relnic’s turnabout in the story.)

Back in Legion HQ, Drake touches Dawnstar’s mission monitor symbol, regretting not having shared his feelings to her before she left. Relnic’s alert comes in. Elsewhere, Brainy makes a further attempt to analyse Danielle Foccart. His frustration makes him lose concentration. His 12 level intelligence shifts to other projects, such as the design maintenance of their headquarters. His drifting thoughts inevitably end up with Kara…
(Lead into Second Story) & (Lead into next issue and Kara/ Brainy romance)

…Only to be disturbed by the alarm and Drake. Relnic has called for Legion reinforcements to assist on Khundia. Brainiac quickly assesses the risk and tells Drake to just keep him appraised if it escalates. He is close to a solution and can’t be interrupted. Brainy advises Drake to see what their new leader’s plans are. Drake storms off thinking unkind thoughts about Brainy’s sanity. He does wonder what their new leader is up to.
(removes Zendak as messenger boy)

Gi Gi sees herself out of Shvaughn’s apartment, just as Jan arrives. She has a hot date. Jan shares the joke that he’s won the Legion election. He offers to take GiGi’s place at scrabble. Shvaughn tells him that the game is over, and that they’ll just have to think of other possibilities. Jan looks very uncomfortable as Shvaughn makes her move.

Their kiss is interrupted by a priority call from Drake. When Jan tries to demur, saying that he should contact Dreamy, an angry Drake tells him that as the election winner, he has to coordinate Earth’s response to a probable Khundian invasion. A stunned Jan quickly recovers and flies off to headquarters. As he does so, he orders Drake and Jo off world as an advance party (it’s something he picked up from Garth and Nura). Drake tells him that Jo left as soon as the team had reached Corvan IV.
(removes repetition in leader and romance plots. Seeing Jan & Shvaughn is a reminder of romance, furthering Drake’s subplot)

Far from Khundia, vast amounts of energy surrounding the Omen and Prophet begin to take their toll on Lar. A terrified Prophet begins to change into the energy being we saw earlier. As he changes, The Prophet communicates telepathically with Lar. The Omen is changing him once more. Neither he nor any living thing will be saved. The Prophet is more concerned with his own fate, and change and his comment about everyone else not being saved is said with the same patronising look he showed Pierre back on Trewsk.

In a final burst, the Prophet changes completely and fades from what we know as existence. The Omen watches the transformation and the now unconscious Lar. It begins its return to Khundia.
(removes Lar’s contribution being mainly hang onto the Prophet’s cloak.)

In Yagotha, the Khunds have rallied their defences. Not in preparation against the Omen, but against the Legion. A legion that’s missing both Jacques and Tinya. The ambassador is determined to remove the heroes from anywhere near the dome, and then the planet. As an ultimatum is given for the Legion to depart, the skies brighten once again. The Omen has returned and it goes straight to the dome.

Already in the facility, Jacques and Tinya (the Espionage Squad!) have deduced what the Khunds had been so desperate to hide: A Negaton Bomb that can destroy systems. With a gesture, The Omen tearing through ground and defences alike, trapping the two Legionnaires. Escaping the worst of the attack, Tinya warns Imra about the threat.

Conflicted, the Khunds open fire on the other Legionnaires as they race to help their colleagues. Blok defends the others, while Cosmic Boy and Lightning Lad obliterate their weapons.

An arriving Ultra Boy immediately looks for Tinya. Seeing the main threat in The Omen, he refuses Nura’s order to stop. Nura is standing next to Imra. He gets through the last of the Khunds, but The Omen nearly kills him, with a glance. As he realises how lucky he’s been, Nura has moved away from Imra in the background.

Blok moves to absorb any further attack. The Omen at least pauses with a question where Blok is concerned. The Dryad is still nearly incinerated protecting the others, who are all stunned in the attack. The Omen moves towards its goal.

The Omen faces the Khundian Negaton Bomb. A smile crosses its face and a glow surrounds the device. It begins to change. In the control room, Nura (having been alerted by Imra and her own powers to avoid The Omen’s attack) begins to work at the controls, changing the bomb’s operational parameters (Naltorian science!). The Omen senses her interference and turns, radiating its transformative energy towards her. Caught in the onslaught, and with no option left, Nura activates the device. The Omen exclaims.

The device creates a portal into another dimension, distorting and consuming everything around it. With a final question on what lies beyond, The Omen plunges through the gateway. In a final burst of light, that may be the creature consumed, or it trying and failing to affect the device, the effects of the bomb end too. Legionnaires begin to revive from the rubble.

In the heart of the weapon’s cradle Nura, and an arriving Jacques, are stunned by the sudden reappearance of Lyle Norg. He’s hurt but recognises her.
(Jacques and Tinya spoke about Lyle earlier in the story. Having Jacques here continues that connection in the story.)

In the Gil’Dishpan ship, the negotiations between the Khunds and the UP resume. The Khunds demand the execution of the Legionnaires. But positions have changed.

Relnic accuses them of constructing a weapon to be used against the UP. He then suggests that the talks were never intended to succeed. Their failure would be pretext for the Khunds to make further incursions, escalating aggression and justifying the use of the weapon.

It’s a position that the Gil’Dishpan negotiator is sympathetic with. Relnic is now the one to call off the talks, reminding the Khundian that next time the Legionnaires might not be fighting on their side. He leaves to congratulate Nura on the end of her terms as Legion leader.
(an explanation as to what the main story has been; a close of its arc; a nod to the importance of the Legion; and a nod to a Nura as a successful leader.)

Second Story – Dawnstar’s destiny. Wildfire hears that the Legion have defeated The Omen. He leaves the amassing UP fleet and departs immediately on personal leave, much to the annoyance of new leader Jan.

Alternatives

The above shows just a quick reworking of the issues as published. Extending it back across four issues, or adding additional material broadens the scope of the story considerably. Here are some ideas to return to :-

- Prophecy (from one of Cramer’s posts). There are three prophets in the story. The Old Man on Orando tells of a future that’s very likely to happen. If the castle defenders don’t surrender, then there will be casualties. The Prophet tells of impending doom. While The Omen does have great power, the majority of his warnings come from his own unbalanced mind. The Omen is only a threat when The Prophet leads it to civilisations that offer change through destruction. Nura comes from a people who really can foresee the future. She regularly calls for ancient oracles for support.

More depth to each of their views, considering the differing cultures, would be one thing I’d like to add in. (may make sneaky edits at some point )

- Escalation: While the Khund/Up conflict is the core of this story, it could have been expanded further. It’s been buikding since the early Levitz issues. More pages could have shown the impact of a near war situation in the galaxy.

- The Prophet’s body, as published, is still floating out in space. It could provide a host body for Wildfire.

- Transformation: The Omen changes the things it interacts closely with. It targeted Blok specifically. Is it a coincidence that Blok would undergo progressive physical changes in the Levitz/ Giffen run?

- Religion: We don’t really see the Legion’s reaction to a Pastor turned Prophet on a religious level. Jacques would seem like a focal point for this, due to his faith and connection with the Trewsk cast. An extended story could involve a secular Legionnaire, The Prophet & Jacques. That could be mixed in with different cultures/ religious customs such as Shady’s. Further, you could see religion through the perspective of Lar who must have seen quite a few, or the people on Corvan.

An longer story could allow space for The Prophet to deal with his contact from a “higher power”


- Technology/ Civilisation: The Corvanites also act as a nice counterpoint to the drive both the Khunds and the UP have to build huge weapons. They show just how much of an impact it has on the rest of a society. A longer story could hint at the progress each of the civilisations has really made.


-We never find out why the Pastor took on the distinctly different from of the Prophet. What has been The Omen’s previous connection to humanity? Did the Prophet choose the form?

Just why are the Gil’Dishpan negotiators? They have ambitions of their own after all…

Just why are there similarities between the Prophet and Pulsar Stargrave or even The Omen and Darkseid?

The Khundians are famed for their over aggressiveness, and endless combats within the Challenge Courts. Yet none of them appear individually to attack either The Prophet or The Omen. We only get a comedy Blok interlude. It would be all too easy to add in a certain Dave Cockrum character to the cast, among others. >Bamf!<

It was pointed out that the Omen looks very much like the Probes form v4. So…
1) The Omen is a very advanced example of a race that McCauley subjugates.
2) McCauley gets his mitts on some Omen dna from its visit to Khundia
3) McCauley finds the Omen at the other end of its trip through the Negaton portal and uses it for his own ends (good luck controlling that).


I reread the story a few years ago, and jotted down some other ideas at the time, that will make it into another Bits thread at some point…

What an exhaustive rewrite, thoth!

I've read through 307 (and will read the rest later). I like it so far, especially how you began the story with the Trewsk story (in addition to the benefits you mentioned, it allows us to care about Pierre and the other characters before they are killed). The reason for the Prophet to go to Corvan IV ties in nicely with a past Legion story.

I was unclear on if you thought the Prophet should be identified as a the pastor from Trewsk all along or if this is meant to be a reveal on Corvan IV. This line threw me: "It triggers the guilt in his mind, revealing the being to be the pastor and the glowing form switches to that of The Prophet, as the glow shatters." Considering the build-up of introducing the Pastor and his transformation, do you think there's any reason to keep his identity a secret until now?

308:

Much better action and focus on the characters! The absence of Jo and Lar from the action allows Shady and even Brin to contribute much. Nice touch of having the Prophet recognize Jacques.

The Prophet also comes across as a more believable antagonist--one who is not all powerful himself but who loses control of the Khund fleet once he's distracted.

Great idea of having Imra go behind Relnic's back to try to learn more about the Prophet and disable him.

The only change I would make is that the opening scene of the negotiations ("Khundia is being invaded") works better as a cliffhanger than as an opening scene. I'd omit it from this revision and begin with the Khunds opening fire on the Prophet. The negotiations can be mentioned in passing later.

309:

Again, much better use of the characters and situations! Lar is put to effective use here, and Jo comes charging in at the last moment to protect his lover--but he contributes little to the story. (Not a problem, really. )

I would keep Zendak as the messenger, though--especially in the scene in Shvaughn's quarters. It comes across as more real if someone outside the Legion tells Jan he is, in fact, leader.

I think it's fine that Tinya and Jacques find the negaton bomb themselves, but, returning to something I wrote in the re-read thread, I also like the idea of Omen uncovering the negaton bomb because he wanted the Legionnaires to see it. Is he on their side or not? Your rewrite suggests that the Omen is after the negaton bomb or attracted to it, but I prefer his motives to remain uncertain.

Is Relnic secretly glad that the Legionnaires defy him? This seems suggested by his smile. In any event, your rewrite does an effective job of showing the difficult situation he's put in. He must both satisfy the Khunds to avert war and allow the Legionnaires to do what they know is right. He must be very glad that things went beyond his control and worked out the way they did.

Great job of showing the founders giving Nura their approval.

Overall, the basic story remains intact but there are so many improvements to its telling and logic. Mucho kudos!

You did good, thoth! I like the nod to Nura's leadership and Shady getting a chance to flex her observation skills...also agree that the changes you made at the start would make readers more invested in what happens with the Prophet; all round I think it's definitely an improvement

Thanks. Just what I was hoping for regarding retaining the basic structure.

In addition to all the reasons we give on the reread thread for how this one turned out, another is probably that Levitz simply didn’t see the extent of the issues. On his planning sheet it wouldn’t have looked terribly different.

But because everything else was going on, I think it rather fell through the cracks. Having done this thread, I think the push to change from three to four issues was the focus, rather than picking up all the issues of just how it hung together. With everything else going on I can’t imagine he enjoyed having to go back and make substantial changes to the pacing.

The upcoming issues will also show that the Baxter book (and DC in general for Levitz) really was having an impact on the newsstand book. No wonder they tried to get other writers in.

On the plus side, all the rough edges here highlight all the polishing work that Levitz usually puts into his stories.


Thankfully not exhausting to do. Having done the rereads each week, it was a quick skim through of the list and then a quick issue a night before a quick tidy up and post. Having a deadline was also sort of a conceit in doing it. A “How quickly could it be tweaked?” sort of thing.



Losing the infodump was pacing related at first, but it really paid off elsewhere too. It meant that The Omen’s actions, the transformations/ witnessing could be established early and regularly. First, the shoal event; then the Prophet; then the insect and then the Negaton device.



I think (memory already vague~) I was spelling out to the reader that not only was the Prophet the Pastor, but that part of him was all too aware of the change resulting in his breakdown. Also, although the Prophet is the Pastor is pretty obvious, it never hurts just to establish it definitively in the story. It’s always someone’s first comic, so join those plot dots.




You could just see Levitz working out how to get Lar and Jo into the story. They didn’t need to rescue anyone on Corvan, but he definitely needed them in the story. But there’s often a downside, and his was to take the panel time and achievement away from some of the others.


A bonus of not using the infodump approach was to allow for The Prophet to face the horror of what happened on Trewsk through Jacques mind.



He gets to make choices throughout the story. Admittedly he’s under a lot of stress, but he makes the wrong one each time.

I originally showed him simply being unable to control the arrival of huge Khundian reinforcements. But changed it quickly as there weren’t enough “panels” to get to explain which ones he controlled and which he didn’t. Reading your comment, also reminds me that Darkseid also lost control when distracted/ overextended. Another parallel?



Thanks. As mentioned in the rereads, this whole period of the Legion seems to have the founders take a back seat, as a way of moving them to other duties. But having a room full of key Legionnaires doing nothing just wouldn’t have worked.

An expanded story would probably have had Cosmic Boy and Imra learn more about the Khunds plans through further use of their powers, with Cos using some that we saw in his spotlight issue. Garth would have been the one to face down some Khunds more directly.



I went with the cliff hanger on Corvan for 307 simply because having The Prophet leave a planet with a nasty threat and an huge energy effect was more visually appealing than Relnic with a table. I mean, Relnic’s a great guy with a real sense of resignation, and that was the table that starred in the Furniture Fables of Life Lass. But even so…

Getting to move the pieces around made me realise that there’s quite a few potential cliff hanger moments. This is probably because Levitz had to make some adjustments himself. Expanding the story out into four 15/16 pagers could also have allowed a Khund/ UP at war cliffhanger. Lots of possibilities.

My Levitz-lite paradigm, for a three-parter at 15/16 pages, meant I knew very early on that I was going to actually be using a cliff hanger as my midpoint. That was the Prophet standing on a decimated Khundian battleground, having seen off the first Legion attack. As it was a mid-point, I just went with the Dawny connection, reversing the way it was originally shown. I did have a triple use of “destiny” with another character, but I forgot what it was by the time I came back with a cup of tea.



Lar was on the list to be adjusted. He had to not rescue Tasmia. He had to do more than hang onto the Prophet’s cloak. He had to be used heroically, because really only he could have tackled both antagonists and lived. He also had to not be thumped around quite so much on the way to being moved out of the way. That was all easy enough. (I did drop a bit where it was Lar that ends the arguments over the Legion being kept out of the battle with a word and a stare.)

Jo, however, was a bit more of a process. Unlike Lar, he had a very good scene ignoring Nura and another in realising the price he almost paid in doing so. In later issues, he still has a hard time not being on a mission with Tinya, so I didn’t really want to separate them completely.

If he was to be put with Lar in Yagotha, then there’s no way that he would sit still while others determined whether or not to get involved. So that was out. He couldn’t be on the mission team, because it would take space away from the others, and it was important to let Tinya breathe a little. I didn’t want him off saving Galaxy XXVI or something, due to the good panels he had. So that left Earth. But the Legion on Earth didn’t make it to the battle in time to make a difference. Even Drake. So, I had to get Jo to leave earlier. I did that by giving him an excuse of getting to her from the Corvan report put in by Tasmia. More room could have allowed for a different option. For example, having the Earth forces reach Khundia, as part of a war scenario, with Jo going into the battle at that point.



Zendak being the one to have access to Shvaughn did make a sense in the original. It quickly added in a regular member of the supporting cast, while also reinforcing the SP connection that’s emphasised during this period.

I also agree that it’s better that someone outside the organisation should be making the call to the team’s leader. Originally, I had switched it to being Relnic.

But the UP’s ambassador shouldn’t be having to call everyone in order to get the Legion or warn about a war with the Khunds.

“Hi Mrs Barrow. It’s Relnic. The Khunds are coming. No, I’m not swearing. I said ‘Khunds’.Yes, the pink ones.” Right who’s next … “Hi. Mrs Berkovic. It’s another invasion I’m afraid…”

From some Adventure stories, the mission would start with a UP representative calling into HQ. Comics generally have a single point of contact for telling the team about a mission. From there, HQ would get on with the mission. So, Relnic was out.

The main thing was that I wanted to establish was that Jan wasn’t actually the leader. At the end of the story, Relnic goes off to congratulate Nura on the end of her term in office. For me, that meant Nura was still in charge and would hand over to Jan when they all got back. There’s a little swearing in ceremony if I remember correctly.

Combining both of the above meant that Drake got to make the call, as part of rallying the defences, as well as to display some of his pent up frustration, and as more panel time ahead of his second story.

While I was thinking about what the story would look like over 4 instalments, I felt that the Khund/UP conflict would get more space. I could see the call coming in from Marte Allon. As President of Earth, she would be pivotal in the coordination of Earth’s defences (at least in comics leaders are smart enough to do this ) . It would also sneakily allow me a continuation of the dinner second story. We could even see Gim’s dad take get a call to the UP fleet (although I’d have to check if he was in it pre crisis)




That’s an angle on The Omen that didn’t occur to me. It definitely raises different possibilities on what it actually is, or what its function is.

I went with a consistent set of actions, that saw it travel the galaxy happening to be at/ but possibly responsible for events of transformation. If I was going to expand on it, then I may well have looked at how it knew to be at these events. I would have tied that into the prophecy thread that links so may of the characters in this story. But I would have had to find a way of doing that without actually revealing to much about it. I quite like it being a bit unknowable.

Having Jacques and Tinya discover the bomb is a combination of getting to highlight them while I could, using the Espionage squad, and mainly getting Jacques out of the firing line. I’d have liked to have had more room to have more on the espionage front in this one, bringing in Relnic, Imra and Cos. That would have confirmed Relnic’s accusations in the final scene. One for an extra instalment. I’d also have not buried Jacques and Tinya under rubble. It was a bit of a cop out, but I had run out of time



I think the reread comments show that Relnic is a bit of a star in this one. My take on him is that he’s pragmatic enough to have parallel approaches. It’s probably what’s kept him alive dealing with races like the Khunds.

I’m glad you picked up on the smile. He is partly pleased that the Legion defied his orders for the reasons you say. But then, Relnic would know that it was only a matter of time before they would take matters into their own hands. I see the Omen/ Prophet as a sideshow for Relnic, although it’s one that gets him a decisive victory in the negotiations. Had The Omen not appeared, he might have had to manipulate the Legion into uncovering the device his spies had told him the Khunds were working on.

He had them there for a number of reasons, and he didn’t ask for the precog, the telepath, the guy who can manipulate technology or the man with super vision by accident. Although he would have tactfully asked, at such a critical juncture between two races, for the founders and a Daxamite legend to support the UP cause, as a show of how important the negotiations were and as a sign of strength that the Khunds respect.



Thanks. I think Nura’s leadership took everyone, including Levitz, by surprise. I thought it was a nice way to show that in the cast too.

I’ve just read the next issue, containing the Dawnstar second story, for our reread thread. Going back to this rework thread, I’d have split that into two, allowing it to start in #309 as done here.

Thanks for taking the time to comment. This sort of exercise certainly gives me more appreciation of the decisions/ compromises Levitz had to make to complete the assignment. It’s also lots of fun discussing the mechanics of the story.

Thanks for explaining why you made the choices you did, thoth. It's always good to hear from a writer the various decisions he or she had to contend with.

The only thing I still have an issue with (sort of) is replacing Zendak as the one to confirm Jan's election. Zendak, like Relnic, provided a glimpse into the broader scope of the Legion's universe. In too many stories, they interact only with other Legionnaires and villains. It's nice to see how they interact with other UP officials and to get a sense that the Legion isn't autonomous--they really do answer to a host of governmental bodies. Also, Zendak's "Please!" was downright funny.

But you're the re-writer, so it's your call.

And, by the way, I too appreciate the choices Levitz had to make in writing and revising this story. That doesn't mean I'm going to cut him any slack, though.

Death Machines of the Galaxy Monthly would be proud to sponsor this Rework.

But seriously... amazing job reworking this story! I wish I could read it illustrated.

I agree with HWW that opening with Trewsk and the Khundia negotiations works so much better. It sets the stage for all that follows and avoids Prophet’s backstory monologue.

Nice visual segue to Danielle Foccart, as well as the emphasis on that story’s transformation theme.

Your use of the three founders + Lar is perfect. For important negotiations, Relnic picks the Legionnaires with the biggest publicity clout as well as one with the most punch-power. He’s not messing around! I also enjoyed how you set up discovery of the negaton bomb early on. Relnic gets to play both sides, as a good diplomat should: he lets the Khunds know that he’s told the Legionnaires to do nothing, but secretly knows they won’t listen to him. Everyone saves face.

The Orando and return of Jan scenes are also much more clear. I’m split on the choice of Drake or Zendak to deliver the news to Jan. Drake could use it as an opportunity to be snarky and it would be logical for him to chase down Jan. On the other hand, as HWW points out, it’s an opportunity to get Zendak in the picture and Jan is more likely to take the SP Chief seriously than his possibly practical-joking team mates.

It’s clearer that the Prophet is controlling the Khunds; they’re not just firing on hated Legionnaire trespassers. One would like to think that such a military force would show restraint, but having Prophet controlling them provides the excuse.

Tinya’s attack on Prophet with the ship was hardcore – go Tinya!!

Tasmia’s covering the Prophet with shadow echoes her encounter with the Servants of Darkness. She casts shadow, because that’s what she’s got, and it has more effect than she anticipated – but she doesn’t know why.

Another positive change is that Brainy asks to be kept appraised; he’s not just brushing off Drake in an arrogant manner. He’s responsible, but aware that he’s needed more working on Danielle/Computo than flying off to Khundia with everyone else.

Taking Prophet and Omen off Khundia, courtesy of Mon-el, escalates the direct confrontation between Khunds and Legionnaires, which increases the tension.

Good highlight of the Espionage Squad as the ones to find the bomb.

Does Lyle recognize Jacques? That would be a clue whether or not this is the real Lyle. Better left unanswered, but just a question that came to mind as I read that scene.

I wondered about Prophet’s appearance as well. He always struck me as someone who would appeal to the Khunds visually. It’s that Genghis Khan/oriental look, with the robe and long pigtail – and I always thought the Khunds were based on Genghis Khan.

Longer term fallout from this story: I would have liked to see an epilogue or some follow-up to the effect that the Prophet might have had on Corvan IV.

Many thanks for the comments Raz and for taking the time to read it. Moving that infodump seems to have made quite a difference.

I think that Levitz may have thought that having a longer lead in might have slowed the pace and moved the first Legion appearance a bit too far into the book for his liking. Considering Levitz style of weaving in subplots, he’s one writer who is less likely to over-run the pages of a plot thread. Besides, there are lots of good visual moments with the anomaly, the shoal and the solar prominence to keep someone’s attention.

It’s actually easier to plot out the story chronologically. Either he came up with the first scene before the others, or he moved the other parts further in. Moved in, he then had to find a way of conveying the information. There are lots of ways that could have been done without the infodump. The evidence that the infodump might not have been his first plan is that The Prophet switches from thinking that the Legion were Omen agents without explanation. It’s an inconsistency, and one that might have been the result of a few other factors at the time.

Love it Cramer

I can just see little jr building his little sun eater to show his proud, yet despotic, father.

Thank you, and for reading it too!



Moving the exposition, and getting more mileage out of it, seems to have been a good choice.



It did bother me that the founders and Lar didn’t seem to do a great deal until the plot needed them. Even then, the founders’ input was fairly limited. Lasr was beaten up a lot. I much prefer characters to be a bit more proactive.

Relnic is the star of this one



Your point on Jan not believing Drake is one that crossed my mind (very briefly) but was one I was hoping to get away with (darn those meddling Cramer kids!) He didn’t believe them all the way through the original, so why would he believe them now? In addition to compressing it, so it didn’t seem like such a drawn out gag, I was hoping that Drake’s dialogue would convince him, but since I don’t post that… it doesn’t come across.

One to think about. I’m still leaning towards Marte Allon as President in an expanded scene. It might mean trying to see what it would look like across 4 issues.





He controls the Corvanites and the Khunds and then… doesn’t as the plot slips a bit in the original. Haivng a more consistent Porphet allows the reason for that to be built in.



It’s is something Tinya does in the original I think, but stripping out some of the other characters allows it to have the focus it and she deserves.



If it were a Shady solo story, she would have to combat the Prohet and figure it out. I like to see the characters act as itf it were their solo stories as much as the plot will take. So she knew something was working, and would have figured it out had Jacques not got there first. Plus points for both characters rather than just Jacques.



As we’ve said in the reread thread, this is quite a good time for Brainy. He cares for his friends, and just wouldn’t dismiss them out of hand. Besides, the Omen and Prophet are unknowns and that’s bound to pique his curiosity.




A definite side effect of giving Lar a solid, heroic part in the story.





The Espionage squad was a definite side effect of trying to get Jacques to safety. Tinya was mentoring him earlier in the story, and that’s something I wanted to see through to the end too.



I toyed with that one. I made sure that I put Jacques there with Nura partly because of that. The reader would only see Jacques distinctive dialogue, as Giffen didn’t draw him there. Dialoguing a character not in the scene is writer payback for an artist who puts things in that shouldn’t be there.

Jacques was talking to Tinya about Lyle and his place on the team. Having him there at the end was a pay off to that.

But, while he recognised Nura, I left out Lyle recognising Jacques as it would possibly give the game away. If he did know Jacques, then he can only really know him from that other dimension. If he doesn’t recognise him, then it’s not even the thing from the dream dimension. Which source would have a real Lyle, if any? I just left it for a future story, and backed away safely.



Now that adds a new twist to it! Just how Prophetic was The Prophet? He might not have known he would be the cause of the disaster he foresaw, but he might have known enough that visions of Khundia affected his form. Since his powers came from The Omen, and the Omen knew to be at the places where there was the possibility of transformation, just how much is it shaping events. That ties in with HWW’s comment of The Omen wanting to let the Legion see the bomb.

I didn’t deal with the look of the Prophet, because I didn’t think of anything in time. Thanks for adding a lot to that Cramer. Not to mention the other ideas you had in the reread thread that had an impact on this thread.



Insular, more religious and very, very well armed?