Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board 100 Toothpicks

This thread is a riot! - And unlike other great literary works, you can't skip to the last chapters to see how it all turns out, which makes it even more tantalizing!

I've heard rumors that Channing Tatum is in negotiations for the 100 Toothpicks movie role of Exnihil (to be renamed "The Picker")...

Uh, I mean

that's reasonable.

August 17, 4PM:


(Exnihil, tipped to the fact that Legion Tracker has been tracking him over the past three months, has decided that turn about is fair play. He lies in wait behind a tree as LT comes into view)




Legion Tracker (looking at his own com): Thirty-two degrees... forty-six minutes... north... seventy-nine degrees... fifty ni...

Exnihil (jumping out): Ah-ha! Hold it right there, LT... the jig is up!

LT: I... uh... Ex? What are you doing here? What are you talking about? What jig?

Exnihil: Don't play coy with me... you've been hacking into my day-planner... following my every move.

LT: No, no... you've got it all wrong. Sure... I accessed your publicly available travel records... but that's only one source I've been using to try to track down a person for someone else.

Exnihil: You're saying you're on a case? For who?

Rickshaw (entering the scene along with a woman): Fer me, thet's who!

Ex: Rick?! And who is...

Rick: This little lady? This here's muh bride, Life of the Party Lass.




Life of the Party Lass: That's actually just my code name. Like everyone from Rick's planet, I also have a traditional tribal name.

Ex: Oh... you mean like the way Rick is sometimes called "Cranky McBasstard"?

Rick: Yew got it, Ex. "Cranky McBasstard" in muh planet's language means "Sound of a Shotgun Bein' Loaded at Dawn".

Ex (to LotP Lass): And what's your traditional name?

LotP Lass: "Cutting Jibe that Puts You in Your Place While the Whole Room Laughs".

Ex: And what does that translate to?

LotP: "Snarky McBitch".

Ex: Of course it does. So... wait... I'm totally confused. If you're not tracking me... then why are you guys here?

LT: Rick hired me a few months back to try to track down those kids who keep getting onto his grass.

Rick: Thet's right! Ahm about fed up with them kids. How can ah keep a good lookin' lawn with footprints all over the durned place?

LT: Well, Rick... I think I've finally got an answer... it's not kids at all.

Rick: It ain't?

LT: No... it's actually...







All together: LARDY???




Rick: Whut's the big idea, there, Lardy? How come yew been trompin' all across muh grass?

Paladin: I've been staking you out. It was actually Ex that first gave me the idea.

Ex: Me?

Paladin: Yeah... when you first grabbed me for this "100 Toothpicks" thing, I had such a good time, I couldn't wait to hang out with more Legion Worlders. I figured I could start targeting a few folks of my own. Rick and LT might be your 21st and 22nd targets... but they're actually my second and third. I'm thinking about maybe calling my project... "100 Hamburgers".

Rick: Well, shoot... that idea there's gone and started makin' me hungry.

Ex: Yeah... and me thirsty.

LotP Lass: What do you think, LT? Can that com of yours find a good place, or is it just for show?

LT: Way ahead of you... we're already plotted out and ready to go...




Later...



Paladin: Well... I just have one thing to say about this:



All: SWEET ASS SWEET!!!

The gang's all here! Awesome!

I DEMAND the 100 Hamburgers spin-off!

Tee-hee. Snarky McBitch and Cranky McBasstard. That is so funny.

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Oh Quis, you have no idea.



Sorry I'm late reporting in. Lardy now has me trying to track down Fart Girl. You'd be surprised how many false trails and dead ends that involves.

I just need to correct part of Exnihil's story. He said he waited for me behind a tree and jumped out. The truth is I was standing in an open field checking my com, when I looked up and saw this:



It was as if he appeared...well...out of nothing.

I'm afraid I must make a confession.

LT is far more devious, twisted, evil, insidious, twisted, demented, funny and twisted than I could ever be.

*Okay, that's not true, but he takes a really good shot at it.

Hey, waitaminnit! Shouldn't the nice lady in the picture(s) have red hair?!?!





This is all very nice and inspiring and all, but I do have one problem...



Sorry, but I just really needed to get that off my chest. Carry on.

LOVE!!!!

Exnihil: Wow! That was so much fun... and what a surprise that Lardy showed up!

Computer: Actually, sir - given the proximity of the other two targets - the likelihood that Paladin would have joined the gathering was rather high. The exact percentage calculates out to...

Ex: Blah, blah, blah... man, you sap the fun out of everything.

Computer: Now that is simply unkind, sir. And after I had taken the trouble of preparing an emergency solicit to cover the event.

Ex: You did? Gimme... gimme... gimme...

Computer: I'm not certain. Are you finished insulting me?

Ex: Yes. Now... gimme... gimme... gimme...

Computer: Sigh...fine. So... I imagined that since Paladin was your first target, you wouldn't have wanted to additionally sequence him as Target 23.

Ex: Good thinking... we don't need any "Grover Cleveland" action up in here.

Computer: Grover Cleveland was actually the 22nd and 24th... never mind, sir... in a strange way, that nearly does make sense.

Ex: What... you think I just wing this stuff?

Computer: Ahem. In any case, I was thinking that it might be appropriate to refer to the event as...





Ex: Now that is just a little piece of brilliance,

Computer: Why... thank you, sir... I was quite pleased with the way that it...

Ex (interrupting): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway... so if Lardy's not also Target 23... who is?

Computer: Processing...processing... hmm... it appears that your next destination may be in a rather difficult weather zone. Are you familiar with the extreme climate of Hyustyn?

Ex: Hyustyn? Shut up! I'm meeting with Hyvvie the Wonder-Beagle? So cool! Wait... can dogs even drink martinis? I suppose I could pour it in his bowl. But what about olives, though? We need to make sure they're pitted and...

Computer: Sir... sir... your target is actually the Wonder-Beagle's master...





Ex: Oh. Um... OK... that's... uh... that's good, too, I guess.

Computer (sympathetic): You really wanted to meet Hyvvie, didn't y...

Ex (quickly interrupting): I really wanted to meet Hyvvie.






What's this, thread-watchers?


Will Exnihil be able to meet the famed Wonder-Beagle?

Will he pack correctly for the red-hot-ice-cold climate of the Rookery?

And just how does Old Dutch the Super-Cow figure into all this?


Find out the answers to these and many other interesting questions... at your local library. But stay tuned here this coming weekend for:

Yeah, I see what you're doing there.

Looking forward to the Hyvie episode. It does seem epic!

August 24, 2PM:


Rockhopper Lad (raising his glass) : A toast... to a great friend of the Pyngwyn Colonies of Planet Hyustyn... Exnihil!

The other guests dining at the lodge of the Rookery: Here, here!




Exnihil: You're too kind, Prince Eudyptes.

Rocky: Bah, no need to stand on ceremony, Ex... we're teammates... feel free to call me "Rocky".

Ex: Absolutely, then... Rocky... this is really great. You really have been so kind in hosting me. I have to admit, though, I thought the Rookery was going to be a lot colder. I think I over packed.

Rocky (laughing): Oh, no... this lodge is climate controlled to be comfortable for the majority of sentients that we host. Hopefully the only thing you'll find cold here... is your drink. Ha, ha.

Ex (smiling): The staff has been amazing, as well... although I can't help feeling a little disappointed that your friend, Hyvvie, wasn't able to join us.

Rocky (growing serious):




Rocky: Yes... my apologies, Ex. I'm afraid Hyfrydol has been a bit out of sorts lately.

Ex: Nothing serious I hope?

Rocky: Oh, no... he's not ill or anything... just a bit melancholy.

Ex: Have you tried rubbing his belly?

Rocky (slightly amused):




Rocky: I'm sorry... have I tried what now?

Ex: Oh... I forgot... your planet has no native mammals, do they? Well... on Earth, at least - where my family came from... there was nothing that would cheer up a dog more than a belly rub.

Rocky: Hmmm... well, I suppose it is worth a try. You'll demonstrate?

Ex nods.

Rocky (standing): Then let us tarry no longer. To Hyvvie's quarters at once!



Later:




Ex (rubbing Hyvvie's belly): Who's a good boy, huh? You are! Yes, you are!

Rocky: This... this is amazing... may I?

Ex: I insist.




Rocky: And then I... simply ask him a series of questions while confirming the answer? Who is a good boy, Hyvvie? Is it you? It is, indeed.

Ex (laughing): You got it, man. I think he's going to be OK.

Rocky: And does this process work on all mammals?

Ex: Well...

Rocky: I was thinking that Old Dutch the Super-Cow has also seemed a bit downtrodden of late.

Ex: Yeeeeeeeah... no... I don't think that...

Rocky (standing, as he interrupts): Let us hie to the Pasture of Solitude!

Ex: Oh... OK, then...

I love the expression on Hyvvie's face in the second picture. Today happens to be the eighth anniversary of my adopting him, so it's doubly good to see a pic of the smile that melted my heart that day.

Did you adopt him or did he adopt you?

Yes!

Ex: So...Computer... I've been wondering something...

Computer: Is it why you rubbed a cow's belly, sir?

Ex: No... it was whether the... saaaaaaay! You're not cracking wise there, are you, Clocky?

Computer: Perish the thought, sir.

Ex (begrudgingly): All right, then... good... glad we cleared that up... hmph. (pause) (pause) It was at the request of a royal family member, you know?

Computer: You needn't explain yourself to me, sir.

Ex: Moving on...

Computer: Yes. "Moo"-ving on, indeed.

Ex: All right, just cut that out! So... anyway... my question is... "100 Toothpicks"?

Computer: That is not really a question, sir.

Ex (ignoring the computer): What exactly does that refer to?

Computer: It's the title that the narrator gave to your quest back in the first post.

Ex: Yeah, yeah, sure... so... discounting the metaphysical implications of this thing even having a narrator... much less it being subdivided into something called "posts"...

Computer: Well... you are a member of the Legion of Message Board Posters, after all.

Ex: I know... I know... don't even get me started on that. I guess what I mean to say is... do the toothpicks refer to people? Like... am I meeting with 100 different posters to settle up? Or is it 100 drinks? Like... do my own count? Am I only meeting with 50 people? How long is this thing?

Computer: The narrator said, "It will take as long as it takes."

Ex: Oh, well... that's comforting. I have to admit... it sort of makes my head spin.

Computer: That may also be the sustained effect of travel, sir.

Ex: What? No way! Wait... you think?

Computer: Perhaps it might be prudent to take a more relaxed approach to your journey this coming weekend. Perhaps slightly less stimulation.

Ex: Yeah... that does sound nice. Maybe a chill Sunday afternoon...

Computer: Exactly, sir...

Ex: ...in a relaxed, outdoorsy setting...

Computer: There you are.

Ex: ...with lots and lots of...

Computer: Sleep, sir?

Ex: CAFFEINE!!!

Computer: Wait... what? No...

Ex: Ha... too late... I said the magic word! "As long as it takes," huh? That sounds like a challenge to me! Bring me... Target 24!

Computer: Oh, good lord... processing... processing...




Ex: Bingo!






And so, fair thread-watchers... the seasons passed... the waning spring of May seeming like a long bygone memory, as the coming autumn of September drew near, and Ex continued on his journey of discovery... now spanning into a second country with...







Join us, won't you?


(And if you do... can you bring some Canadian quarters? I'm not entirely sure how the parking meters work up there. )

Ex, I have to warn you. This may be the single most perilous stop on your journey. Remember this one FACT, She is Stoopid Cat's older sister and she taught him EVERYTHING!

Proceed at your own risk, Brother. You have my com code. I can't help you but I can notify your next of kin.

Oh drat. I had like 50 dollars in looney money the bank wouldn't take. Oh well, a little out of the way now.

emm, remember, I think it's custom to curtsy. and karoke.

I want to say Leo Dorsey is a fugitive up there, so flash your passport real quick...

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for Socialized Medicine today.

oh dear. as if i wasn't jealous before. Power Boy loves coffee too.

The paparazzi await Ex Nihil's arrival in Halifax:

A few days in Canada could turn him into one pasty looking Italian. What's the opposite of sun block?