Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board 100 Toothpicks

Still the best thread ever, worthy of documentary film status!

Ex is so handsome too, he's got me all nervous! I don't care that he's straight I still want to look hot for him... which shouldn't be a problem in July, in Memphis! It's gonna be SWELTERING!!!

Shucks daddio, you can't help but be the prettiest target Ex's computer can acquire in Memphis. Don't you go worrying 'bout that there nonsense.

Don't lose your head. No, really, there's this axe murderer meme going around...

Exnihil: Man! Hiatae suck.

Computer: Hiatae, sir? Are you attemping to say, "Haiti"? I don't believe our journey will take us to..."

Ex: No, not "Haiti"! "Hiatae"... you know... like the plural of "hiatus".

Computer: Ah... no... that plural ending is for "a".

Ex: For a... what?

Computer: No, sir, you misunderstand. I'm merely saying that...

Ex (interrupting): Oh, wait... are you saying it should end in "a"? Like... "hiata"?

Computer: No... that would be for "um".

Ex: Um...

Computer: Don't focus on the "um", sir... I was merely saying that as a word ending in "us"...

Ex (interrupting again): That it should pluralize with "i"... of course! That's weird, don't you think? Because... like, there are two of "us" but only one of "I"... er... "me".

Computer: And for that, I am eternally grateful, sir.

Exnihil: Anyway... hiati suck.

Computer: Indeed. Shall I provide a teaser, sir? To help aleviate your ennui?

Exnihil: You just leave my ennui alone! But... yeah... a new teaser would be cool.

Computer: Very well, sir. We have already identified target number 12 for July 20th...



Computer: But... that selfsame day, you will also be meeting with target number 13...



Ex: Cool! Doubling down on the first day back almost makes me not mind these hiatuses.

Computer: B... b... but you...

Ex: Just kidding, Computer... I know there's no such word.





Stay tuned, pickies... just 12 more days until...

*stares* Ex is apparently under the impression that I am one to let handsome men ditch me early so they can dash off and meet up with someone else the same day. Just for that, I'm going to be EXTRA cool, interesting, charming and fun when we meet so he will regret that!!

For the record, I couldn't imagine setting up a first meet with Lash and NOT devoting the entire day to him!

SHAME, Ex!

Computer: Hmm... valid points, all. Alas... the mile to hour ratio from point A to C ensuring that Ex is back at his desk on Monday morning just doesn't add up. The additional stop at point B does however move him 25% closer to his home destination, adding no additional time to the overall journey.

Ex: Yeah... sad to say, old Clocky there has it right, but... you know... always leave 'em wanting more, I say.



In a pinch, I suppose I am getting in late Friday night... so if Lashie doesn't mind strange men tapping on his window pane in the wee hours...


Naaaahhhh...

I've been known to entertain late as long I've had my beauty rest *bashful smile*

I was teasing you Ex, I promise I shan't let myself do anything crazy that day! *prepares to take double meds*

July 20, 12 PM:


Exnihil: Damn, Lash! I am totally digging on the new haircut... you just keep getting more handsome as the years go on.

Lash: This coming from you? You're like Mister Handsome!

(Ex smiles, but then... after a moment... sighs deeply.)

Lash: Everything OK, man?

Ex (weakly): Yeah... I mean... I don't know, Lash. Do you ever get the feeling like something's missing? Like... do you ever think, maybe, there's more to life than being really, really... really... ridiculously good-looking?

(Lash *glares* at Ex in disbelief) : ...

(Ex looks deadly serious for a moment... then - as Lash continues to *glare* - Ex begins cracking a smile. He snickers.)

Lash: You! Ha ha! You almost had me going for a second there!

Ex: Ha, ha! It's a good one, though, right? I couldn't do it, though... I just couldn't keep a straight face! So... are you ready for your close-up?

Lash: Mr. Demille... I was born ready.

July 20, 7 PM:


Exnihil: So... Wolfie... there's something I've always wanted to ask you.

Lone Wolf Legionnaire: Shoot, Ex.

Ex: Well... your code-name: "Lone Wolf Legionnaire". Isn't that sort of an oxymoron? Like... can you really be a "lone wolf" if you're in the Legion of Message Board Posters? Sorry if that's an odd question.

LWL: No, no... that's actually a really good question. The moniker stems from earlier in my career, before I joined the Legion. Sure, I thought of changing it back in the day... but... eh... it's grown on me. Plus we've already got a "Timber Wolf" in the LMB.

Ex: I suppose. But, you know, "Timber Wolf" isn't the only possibility. What about something like... oh, I don't know... say... "Wolverine," for example?

LWL: Wolver...what? C'mon, bub... that sounds like something someone would make up if they were trying to do a knock off or something.

Ex: You really don't like it? I think it comes right at you... a real fastball special down the middle.

LWL: Not to rain on your parade there, "Professor Ex"... but I'm the best at what I do, and - right now - what I do is spot a stinker of a code-name.

Ex (shrugs): Oh, well. Oh, hey... look... a holopic cameraman. You want to get a shot together?

LWL: Sure... I thought they didn't allow paparazzi in here, though.

Ex: Yeah, you're right... I guess that guy must have... "snikt" in.

LWL: It's not going to happen, Ex.

Ex: Sorry... sorry...

This must be the mirror universe Ex and Lash. Notice which one's drinking a martini.

I noticed that as well ...

Exnihil: Whew! That was one heck of a weekend! Nothing like starting back after a break with the old one-two punch.

Computer: I'm pleased you enjoyed intercepting two different targets, sir. That bodes well for next weekend.

Ex: What's that supposed to mean? Is next weekend another two-fer?

Computer: No, sir... next weekend you'll be meeting with three.

Ex: Yikes! Are they at least kind of located near one another?

Computer: Remarkably so. If my calculations are correct... target 14 will be accompanying you en route in your interception of target 15... and target 16 will then join the group of you.

Ex: Saaaaaaaaaay... wait just a minute! What are they trying to pull here? I hope they don't think that means they all get to divvy up one toothpick!

Computer: You always keep sight of what's important, sir.

Ex: Darn tootin'. All right, lets see this motley crew.

Computer: Processing... processing... targets acquired:





Ex: w00t!!! Now that's a spicy meatball!

Computer: A... sp...? I'm sorry, I don't... no... on second thought... never mind, sir. I'm certain the piquancy of the "meatball" will be to your satisfaction.





And hopefully to yours, as well, fair thread watchers. Make sure to tune in right here next weekend as we embark on a massive three-way crossover event with:




Be here now... but be here... um... THEN!

ALSO!

July 27th, 11:30 AM


Exnihil: I have to admit, BB, you weren't lying... this place is great!

Blockade Boy: Thanks, Ex! I know we're meeting the others later on today, but - if I was going to be looped into your "Toothpicks" project - there was no way I'd miss showing off my favorite local place.

Ex: Absolutely... and I'd never turn down a bonus martini.

BB: Just the one, though... we don't want to show up half-snookered to meet Dev and Seymour.

Ex: Oh, don't worry about that. You could always just use your powers to keep us from getting tipsy, right?

BB (raising an eyebrow): Uh... how's that, now?

Ex: Well, sure... "Blockade Boy" should be able to "block" the effects of the alcohol, right?

BB: I... uh... no... that's... that's not really how my powers work.

Ex: You ever try it?

BB: No... I...

Ex: Well then, never say never. (raising his glass) Chin, chin, old boy.






LATER...


July 27th, 6:30 PM


(Dev - Em and Suddenly Seymour sit at the table as Ex and BB come stumbling in, singing the "LMB Fight Song").

Dev - Em (rolling his eyes as the pair sit down): Where the heck have you guys been?

Blockade Boy (snickering): Never.

Ex (laughing): I said never say that! Ha, ha, ha! (Then, to Dev) We've been... testing out BB's powers.

Suddenly Seymour (grinning, as he shakes his head): Yeah, really looks like it. Well, we went ahead and ordered for you guys.

Ex: No martini for you, Seymour?

Seymour: Oh, no... I couldn't. I enjoy a cocktail now and then, but martinis... it's the olives...

Ex: What about them?

Seymour: They... well... the shape and color remind me a little of... :



Ex: Ahh... say no more.

BB: Never.

Ex (smiling at BB, then getting slightly serious for a second): Say, wait a minute... Dev... didn't you... didn't you die in "Lord of the Oval"? How are you... is this some Durlan thing?

Dev: Chronal duplicate... I'm from before the Oval happened. At some point in the future, you travel back in time and tell me to come to the future to buy you a martini. The whole thing sounds a bit screwy but... (shrugs)

Ex (head spinning): I do what, now?

Dev: It's all part of something called "Time War"... if it ever gets going again.

Ex (metatextually indignant): I know... right? Who the heck's supposed to be plotting that thing? Talk about lazy!


(A restaurant holo-grapher passes by the table): Hey, LMB... say, "Klordny"!

Ex, Seymour, and Dev (smiling): KLORDNY!

BB (smiling): NEVER!

Dear Editor:

I am really enjoying following the adventures of Exnihil in the "100 Toothpicks" story, but I can't help feeling a sense of deja vu. I might be misremembering, but wasn't there once a similar story featuring a Golden Age Exnihil?

Tom Fatsi,
Metropolis, Earth



(Plus one for your keen memory, Tom... but minus two on the finer details. You are correct that the current story has a Golden Age predecessor... but our Exnihil is, nevertheless, the first person to go by that specific code-name.

Ex is the 31st Century descendent of the Golden Age aviator, "Captain X-Zero," who met each of the 23 heroes of the Justice Society of Message Board Posters for a drink during the year-long crossover called, "23 Skidoo and a Swizzle-Stick for You".



Reprinted above, for the first time since the 1940's, is the panel where Captain X-Zero met - in their civilian identities - the beautiful Conciliatress and the mystery man called The Green Miasma.

We're reminded of that old phrase that says that while history may not repeat itself, it does - at least - rhyme.

- Ed.)

Ex: Wow, Computer... three in one weekend was a trip! Let's keep the momentum going. Who's next?

Computer: I'm afraid the timeline cannot accommodate three targets this weekend, sir... but two will be quite achievable.

Ex: All right, I suppose it will have to do. What sort of challenge are you laying out for me this time?

Computer: Actually, the second of the two targets this weekend... target 18... will not be a challenge at all. In fact - for obtaining a martini - you are not likely to find an easier target.

Ex: Oh? Go on...

Computer: It seems that target 18 is actually employed at a tavern.

Ex: Cool... bring up the display.

Computer: Processing... processing... acquired:





Ex: Oh, right on! But why show me the second one first?

Computer: Because, sir, I'm afraid that the first of the two - target 17 - actually might present a bit of a challenge.

Ex: Why's that?

Computer: I would suspect that any place you choose to go would have at least a modicum of a dress code.

Ex: And?

Computer: It seems that target 17 has a rather... unique... fashion eccentricity.

Ex: What? Oh, just bring up the display, already.

Computer: Very good, sir. Processing... processing... acquired:





Ex: Ah. Well... most places just say "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service," right? I never read a thing about pants.






What next, faithful thread-watchers?

Will Exnihil's pantless companion spell doom for the 100 Toothpicks project?

Will his second companion's skills be pushed to the very limit as Ex seeks the perfect martini?

Will other ludicrous questions will be posed as this preposterous venture continues?




OK... we'll give you the answer to that last one... it's "Yes".




But tune in next weekend, as we find out the answers to the other two in:

August 3, 2:30 PM:


(Having followed his computer's guidance about selecting a suitable location for a rendezvous with Target 17...



...Exnihil nevertheless finds himself at a bit of a loss as his dinner-mate casually continues the story he's been telling)


Poverty Lad: ...and that's why I'm saying that Mars has gotten a bad rap on Earth. It's just a long series of misunderstandings that just kept building.

Exnihil: Uh-huh...

Pov: Like that whole "War of the Worlds" thing... they were just setting up those tripods for photography. Martians love Terran landscape photos.

Ex: Right...

Pov: And that J'onzz guy back in the 50's... OK, sure... maybe "Man-hunter" wasn't really the best name for an alien hero...

Ex: Sure...

Pov: But I'll not stand by while the good name of my great-uncle Marvin is sullied. The poor man had a nervous condition... the only thing that gave him peace was the sound of an "earth-shattering kaboom".

Ex: Yeah... of course...

Pov: Ex... are you OK? I sort of get the feeling you're a bit distracted.

Ex: It's just... I'm sorry... I... I just always thought it was a joke.

Pov: What's a joke? What are you...? (Pov looks around, then down, as It suddenly dawns on him) Ohhhhh! The pants thing? Haha... no, that's real... never wear 'em.

Ex: But...

Pov: Look, it's no big deal... just go ahead and look... it'll break the ice.

Ex (hesitantly looking down): I really don't think I... wow... so... OK, then... yeah... you just really let it all hang out, dontcha?

Pov: You know it, man. Now come on, cheer up, Ex... let's see that smile! It's time for that holo-pic with your cocktail.

Ex: Sure, of course. But... uh... maybe just say, "martini"?

Pov. As opposed to cock...

Ex: You got it.

Pov: ...tail

Ex: Yeah...that either.

Luckily, the Greek brothers who own that fine establishment tolerate my lack of pants. As long as I remain seated, of course.

August 4th, 4PM:

[music]
You wanna go where people know...
People are all the same...
You wanna go where everybody knows...
Your name.
[/music]





lil' Rhino: Ex... I am so glad you decided to collect your toothpick from me in my own bar.

Exnihil: You kidding me, Rhino? How could I not come here? So much history... so many folks who passed though the doors...

Rhino: Yeah. (growing wistful) You remember Minty Fresh?

Ex: Yeah! Say... what ever happened...

Rhino: One too many Grasshoppers... she hopped out of here one night and I never saw her again. Then there was Fruntaholic.

Ex: Yeah, right... where did he...

Rhino: 12 step program. He's doing well, I hear... but me and that broken jukebox there are still waiting on the "Make Amends" step. Then, of course, there was good old Señor Widebottom.

Ex: Oh my gosh... I nearly forgot about him. What...

Rhino: Low carb diet. In the last couple years those comical oversized pantloons were hiding more than just a spare seltzer bottle, if you know what I mean.

Ex: Wow. A lot of good times, Rhino. Come here, man... let me at least give you a new holo-pic for your wall.





Rhino: Nice! Really. But not... you know... historic.

Ex: What do you mean?

Rhino: Well... this place already has plenty of pictures of me... and with this "Toothpicks" thing... way too many of you. We need something historic.

Ex: What do you suggest?

Rhino: How's about... Target #19:





Ex: Holy cow... are you serious? Now that would be historic. How do you propose we...

Rhino: Come on, Ex... this is my bar... you want magic... just take a step back, and look at things from a different point of view...





Ex: Holy crap... Sarky!

Sarcasm Kid: Thanks for noticing me.

Ex: Guys, seriously... thanks so much. You have no idea... this really is an historic day.

Sarky: Whatevs. Didn't you ever hear that saying, man? History might not repeat itself... but it does rhyme.

Ex: That does sound slightly familiar.

Sarky: Anyway... forget this noise... you guys just keep drinking - or whatever it is that old people do. Me? I've got comics to read.





[out of character]
Great meetup! Huge to you both!
[/out of character]

Computer: All right, sir... beginning calculations for your next targ...

Exnihil (interrupting): Wait just a New York minute, there! Before you start running your punchcards or whatever, you mind telling me what the big idea is with miscalculating the last destination? You said I'd only be able to acquire two targets last weekend,, and I wound up getting three. Seriously... what the heck kind of day-planner are you?

Computer: As I've mentioned, I'm not actually a day planner, sir... I'm a...

Ex (interrupting again): And what about the solicit? Sarky needs a chapter title.

Computer: I had prepared the following...





Ex (begrudgingly): OK... well... that's actually pretty good... but it still doesn't explain what's up with you missing the calculation.

Computer: It is a mystery, sir. I have been feeling strange lately... as though some outside force has been attempting to access my data cells.

Ex: A hacker? Are you serious... why would anyone try to...?

Computer: Sir! I feel it again! Even as we speak, someone is... bzzzzzzzztttt.. someone... frrzzzzzttt... smzzzzztttttt...

(For a moment the computer goes dead... then suddenly speaks again... but this time with a female voice)

Computer: Hello? Hey! You there, Nihil?

Ex: What...? I... wait just a minute! EMILY!?!?!



Emily Sivana speaking through the Computer: Glad to see you're not totally brain-dead from your two and a half-month long bender.

Ex: Emily, what the sprock? You're hacking my day planner, now?

Emily: I didn't "hack it". I "commandeered" it. And it's not a day-planner, you numbskull... it's an Omni-3014... the latest in high-tech multiversal nano-computational...

Ex: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Emily: ... you know what, Nihil? Never mind. Yes... I'm hacking your day planner.

Ex: Ah-ha! Why would you do that?

Emily: Because I'm tired of operating on your schedule. You think I've got nothing better to do then wait around for you to go through the whole Legion World directory? At this rate you'll be meeting with Grendel the Lurker before you get to me.

Ex (smiling): You like me.

Emily: Ugh... in your dreams, pomade-head. I just like settling business as quickly as possible. So here's the deal: Be at my house this Saturday... don't pick me up too late...

Ex: Wait... I'm picking you up, now?

Emily: Yes. And don't go scheduling 20 different meet-ups, either. I'm not going to put up with you running off halfway through lunch to drive 500 miles away...

Ex: What? You do realize that the last two weekends I've been able to fit in three a...

Emily: Grife, Nihil... do you ever stop talking? Focus here... one meet-up.

Ex: Fine... Anything else?

Emily: Yes. Maybe try tucking in your shirt once in a while... you look like a fracking hobo in those holo-pics.

Ex: Hey! Those are my comfortable traveling cloth...

Emily (interrupting): Sivana out. (click)

Ex (smiling to himself as the line goes dead): Yeah... she likes me.

Computer (coming back online): bzzzzzzzzztt... grzzzztttt... trrrrrrrrrrying to hack my data cells. Sir! I am sensing lost time! What has occurred?

Ex: It's OK, Clocky... it's over now. It was just Emily Sivana.

Computer: Sivana? Sir... I... I... I feel so... violated.

Ex: So do I, buddy. Trust me... so do I.







And there we are, faithful thread-watchers... a one on one meetup next weekend as Ex finally heads back to the original planned get-together spot, and tells the Chi-Town story of:

This has been a long commercial time-out.

I think Ex had one too many last night in Chi-town...

August 10, 7PM:


Exnihil (shouting to a passing waiter): Hey, garcon! You wanna have the people at the next table pipe down? People are trying to eat here! (turning back to Emily) Sorry... what were you saying?

Emily Sivana (sarcastically): Just how classy you are.

Ex: Darn tootin'.

Em (rubbing her eyes in exasperation): Grife... what is wrong with you, Nihil?

Ex: What do you mean?

Em: I... I don't even know where to begin. Do you have any idea why I'm always looking out for you?

Ex (grinning): Because you like me.

Em (ignoring him): Because I feel bad for you. You're like a lost puppy, or a turtle on its back, or something.

Ex: Pfft.

Em: I'm serious. You have no focus. Here we are... following the biggest threat that the LMB ever faced. We've lost members... people's lives have been changed forever... there is even talk of a conspiracy inside our ranks... and you've spent the summer drinking martinis.

Ex: Ooooh, good idea! Garcon!

Em: Arrrggh!

Ex (growing serious for a moment): Listen... Emily. I hear what you're saying. I do. But, you know, even though you might not see it now, things like this - (motions around the table) - these are every bit as important as fighting the good fight.

Em: I don't...

Ex: No, no... just hear me out, here. Sure... going out there on the battlefield... fighting Phineas B. Fuddle, or the Red Bee, or the One Called the One, or whoever... is important. It keeps the universe safe and it's what defines us as teammates.

Em: Exactly.

Ex: But this? Breaking down the walls between us... regardless of our backgrounds... whatever race or planet we come from? That's important, too. Maybe even more so. It's what happens between the fights. Just being there for each other is a tremendous part of the LMB's mission. It's what defines us as friends. Hell... it's what defines us as Legion.

Em (taken aback): Nihi... I... Ex... th... that's actually sort of beautiful.

Ex (looking down): Yeah.

Em: I didn't know that you...

Ex (looking up and suddenly interrupting): Oh! And speaking of beautiful... I notice you haven't even mentioned my hair tonight. Come on. This is a brand new gel I'm trying out. Nothing?

Em (rolling her eyes and taking a big sip of her drink): Ugh... this is going to be a long night.

Ex (under his breath): girlwhowantsaholowiththebestlookingguyintheroomsaysgrifenihilwhatareyouyammeringaboutnow?

Em: Grife, Nihil... what are you yammering about now?

(click)

Smack'em Emily! *In a nice, friendly sorta way.

(Rubbing the side of his face, Exnihil fires up his Computer)

Computer: Good morning, sir. I trust your meeting with Ms. Sivana was... oh! Sir... are you aware of the reddened imprint of a small female hand upon your cheek?

Ex: I'm well aware there, Clocky, but thanks for pointing it out.

Computer: You are very welcome.

Ex: Well... all's well that ends well, I suppose. At a bare minimum, Emily promised not to hack into your databanks any more.

Computer: That is a relief, sir. Although...

Ex: Yeah?

Computer: Well, I don't mean to alarm you sir, but - after Ms. Sivana's access was detected - I performed a routine audit of my root level directories, and it appears that there has been a secondary breach, as well.

Ex: What?!

Computer: I'm afraid so, sir. It appears that your navigatory plan for the past few months has been accessed several times:





Ex: I'm being tracked??? How long has this been going on?

Computer: Apparently since the fifth post of this thread, sir.

Ex: The fifth what of the what? Cut out all the technical mumbo jumbo! In plain Interlac... who has been tracking me?

Computer: processing... processing...





Ex: Great Scott! Well... actually...truth be told... I suppose that's not all that surprising. Nevertheless... this cannot stand! It looks like our tracker just became Target # 21.

Computer: If that is your intent, sir... might I recommend that you combine this meeting with a second objective, as well?

Ex: The more the merrier... show me Target # 22.

Computer: You may, however, want to avoid referring to him as a "target," sir... simply to avoid any confusion.

Ex: Confusion about what?

Computer: Well... it seems he has been known to carry a shotgun:





Ex: Gulp.








And away we go, pickies... full speed ahead toward this weekend, with double the value for your money as we present:











All this... PLUS:


A surprise twist you'll have to see to believe...

Or... perhaps... have to believe to see...

Or... perhaps... something else entirely...

I don't know... something. Whatever. Just trust me... it's pretty cool.