Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board 100 Toothpicks

You've got to be kidding me... this is possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen. This should be, like, a documentary film or something.

Sonny I can't believe you refused the picture! You've just got to be like Marilyn and Farrah were and demand final picture approval.

Ah, you folks had a chance to see what I look like and you blew it.

The mystery of Shining Son may well go on forever now.

Very slowly. And loudly.

Ex: All righty... let's start gearing up. Time hack?

Computer: Target number six... 24 hours to until intercept. Target number seven... 26 hours.

Ex: What? I thought you said these two were going to be together.

Computer: They will be, sir

Ex: What... how does that...

Computer (interrupting): You will be providing transport for target number six to the location of target number seven.

Ex: I... wh... like hell I wi... oh, fine. But he darned well better chip in for gas money.

Computer: Gas money, sir?

Ex: Oh... I forgot this is the 31st century... we've been out of gas for over 900 years. Hmm... how do we power our transports? Dilithium crystals?

Computer: Not since the 24th Century, sir.

Ex: Radion Accelerator Core?

Computer: Not even close.

Ex: Infinite Improbability Drive?

Computer (muttering to itself): Pfft... if you ask me, this entire journey has been a drive through the infinitely improbable

Ex: What's that you say?

Computer: Nothing at all, sir... 23 hours, 55 minutes to intercept...

Ex: w00t!

So, what DO those things run on then? Curiouser and curiouser!

Nihil-point energy.

June 15, 2PM:



Ex: Just a Coke, Quis? Nothing harder?

Quislet Esq. (nods with a grin toward Abin): With this guy around, Ex? Not a chance. He loves nothing better than to screw with people once they get a few in them.

Ex (looking at Abin): I don't get it... what's he talking about, Abin?

Abin Quank (clearing his throat and speaking in a perfect "Space Ranger" voice): I have no idea, Citizen... I always handle all with Truth and Justice.

Ex (marveling): Whoa! That was amazing... how did you do that?

Quis: I'm warning you, Ex... don't get him started...

Abin (speaking in a perfect "Everyday Girl" voice): Ohmygod, Mr. Quizzy-Poo! You're going to make Mr. Ex-Nyquil think we're like weird or something.

Ex: Really... Abin! That is astounding! Who else can you do?

Quis (rolls his eyes): You're asking for it, Ex.

Abin (speaking in a perfect "Stoopid Cat" voice): Mmmmmmm... Indeed, human... and so often what is asked for is... unfortunately... granted.

Ex (grinning like an idiot): So cool! C'mon... one more...

Abin: Fair enough. (Clears his throat and begins speaking in a perfect "My Whee Fem" voice): Is this what you want, Ex?

Ex: (taken aback at hearing his girlfriend's voice coming from Abin): Ha... yeah... OK... I guess that is a little creepy.

Abin (continuing as My Whee): Are you sure, Ex? I could order you another Martini... you like them... dirty... isn't that right?

Ex: Haha... a joke's a joke, but that's enough...

Abin (continuing as My Whee, relishing torturing Ex): Enough? But I haven't even told you about my day... don't you want to hear about how the little ninja girl handled... that big sword?

Ex (to Quis): You're a lawyer, Quis... you think I can make a case here for mental anguish?

Quis: Against Abin? You wouldn't be the first who tried... I advise you to just grin and bear it. In fact... there's the holo-photographer, now...

Ex: So... wow! Seven down in three weeks, and summer hasn't even officially begun yet. Where to next, Computer?

Computer: Processing... processing... target number 8 acquired...





Ex: Yikes, Computer... you really have no sense of logically sequential geography, whatsoever, do you? Are you, like, trying to spell a word across the country or something?

Computer: Geography is not the only consideration in this algorithm, sir. Honestly, if you would just allow me a moment to explain some of my higher functio...

Ex (interrupting): Blah, blah, blah... enough of all that. Is there at least a second target in the same trajectory to offset the trip time?

Computer: Processing... processing... target number 9 acquired...




Ex: Good deal... I think we've got a plan. Lay in the course, and wake me when we get within spitting distance.

Computer: Spitting dis... I'm not certain that is a standardized unit of measure, sir.

Ex: Just a figure of speech, there, Clocky.






Stay tuned, thread watchers, as next weekend Nihil Productions presents an exciting two-parter with:










Be there... or be squa... no, you know what... on second thought, just be there.

Ex is gonna meet Conjy?!? The rest of LW is jealous!

*GLARES in Ex's general direction*

Huuuuush. You all are loonies! Gonna make me blush over here!

Computer: Sir? I seem to be picking up network chatter from around Legion World. It appears that your planned interception of target #9 may be inspiring some envy among your fellow LMBers.

Ex: Heh. Yeah... with all that "Good Night" wishing going on, I thought there might be a triangle brewing. Well... a triangle at a minimum!

Computer: Triangle, sir? Are you indicating that you wish a third point to be added to this weekend's trajectory? Processing... processing...

Ex: Wait... what? No... I didn't mean...

Computer: Third target acquired. Re-calibrating. Original target #9 now sequenced as #10. New target #9, display to follow...




Ex: Really? Cool! Although... that's going to make a whole other section of Legion World jealous!




That's right, Legion Worlders... this leg of the trip has just been expanded to a three-martini lunch with:















I'm gonna need a nap after this one!

June 22nd, 11:30 AM



(Exnihil sits at the table, waiting for He Who Wanders to return from the restroom. Suddenly he spies him as - out of nowhere - a musical "bumper" sounds)

Music: It's Huey's Top Forty!

He Who Wanders (sitting back down): ...aaaaaand we're back!

Ex (looking around confusedly) D... did you just do that?

Huey: Do what?

Ex: That music?

Huey: What music, Ex?

Ex: You didn't hear...

Huey (shaking his head): Sorry... but I trust you if you say you did. The Spotlight Artist is always right.

Ex: The what now?

Huey: Sure, Ex... this little project of yours has Legion World abuzz. It's quite the Hot Shot Debut.

Ex: Well... as long as the toothpicks are racking up, I'm happy.

Huey (raising his glass): Absolutely. So... Exnihil... here's your Long Distance Dedication.

Ex: All right, just stop that now.

You can tell I'm positively excited to meet Ex. I'm radiating light.

June 22nd, 3PM



Ex: So, wow... LMB Deputy Leader. I gotta say, Jerry, it's quite the honor to get a drink with one of our esteemed leadership crew.

Jerry: Ahh, think nothing of it, Ex. The Legion World taxpayers are quite generous.

Ex: How's that, now?

Jerry: Sure. What... you don't think Peebs and I actually pay for our own drinks anymore, do you? Expense account, baby!

Ex: Wh... Jerry, that's...

Jerry: Oh, come on... you think we're the first LMB administration to get some perks out of the deal? You should see the official records from back during Cobie's administration. A million credits a month for "Sheep Husbandry"... whatever that means.

Ex: What does the Election Tyrant say about all this?

Jerry: Dunno... ever since we were put in office, old ET has been silent. You might even say he's been as silent... "as the grave". Ha, ha, ha!

Ex (blinks): ... ?

Jerry (looking around): Hmm... perhaps I've said too much... you know what, Ex, just forget I said that. This meeting never happened. There aren't any holo-cameras in this place, right?

Ex: uh...

June 22nd, 8PM:



Ex: So how are you digging Legion World, Conjure Lass?

Conjure Lass: I am loving this place! Everyone is so kind and welcoming.

Ex: That's awesome. You're really a great addition and you fit right in with this crew.

Conjy: Thanks. I mean... wow... I've only been here about a year and already I've got my own Monitor Board symbol! Thanks so much for that, by the way.

Ex: No problem... I really love making those for the LMB members. (takes a sip of his drink).

Conjy: I mean it, though... they're so detail-y. Just look at mine... you must have spent a long time staring at my tats.

(Ex does a spit-take, spraying his martini across the room.)

Conjy: Oh my god, are you OK?

Ex (choking): Yeah... yeah... sorry... went down the wrong pipe.

Conjy: Anyway... I was just saying that you must have really studied my tattoos in order to duplicate the details like that.

Ex (blushing): Ohhhh... your tats! Yeah, absolutely... I'm a big fan of ink.

Conjy: Cool, I got my first one when... wait... what did you think I said?

Ex: Oh, look! The waitress! Another round!

I didn't expect time travelers to look so normal.

Ex: Oi! Who you calling "normal"!?

Computer: Who are you speaking to, sir?

Ex: Wha...? Oh... sorry... metatextual leveling confusion. I must be reading too much Grant Morrison lately.

Computer: As per usual, sir... your comments do not compute.

Ex: Nevermind that... let's fire you up for something you are good at. We're ten deep into this thing... who's our next target?

Computer: Processing... processing... target number 11 acquired...





Ex: Why, you bucket of bolts! That's my symbol!

Computer: Nevertheless, sir... that is what my calculations are showing. Apparently you are someone else's target. He is approximately 70 hours from your location... and closing.

Ex: What on earth are you talking about?

Computer: There appears to be a transmission attached, sir. Shall I transcribe?

Ex: Well, yeah!

Computer: Very well. It reads: "Da-Dum..." The next line then reads: "Da-Dum..."

Ex: Oh, for pete's sake...

Computer [continuing]: "Da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum…"

Ex: All right, already... I get it! Instead of the target, display the logo of my persuer.

Computer: Processing... processing...





Ex: Well... shit.



That's right, folks... this week it's a special mid-week episode with:

(Exnihil holds up another shirt to the mirror. He grimaces)

Ex: What do you think, Computer... there's no trace of red in this one right?

Computer: You are correct, sir... that would be a blue shirt. Once again, however... you are thinking of a Bull... for a Shark it is actually the smell of blood that matters.

Ex (nodding): Right... right... so the steakhouse is right out.

Computer: You are over-thinking this, sir. It's quite simple: You go inside the bar... Bar's in the restaurant... You go in the restaurant... Shark's in the restaurant...

Ex: Right.

Computer: Our shark.

Ex: Gulp.

Computer (singing): Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies...

Ex: OK, that's enough...

Computer (singing): Farewell and adieu to you, ladies of Spain...

Ex: Now, just cut that out!

Computer (somehow self-satisfied): Twenty hours to intercept, sir...

June 27, 1PM:



(Exnihil slides into the booth across from Shark Lad)

Ex: Whoa! Sharky... I totally didn't recognize you! What's with the... uh... (Ex makes a motion in front of his face)

Shark Lad (laughing): You like it? Distorter. I didn't think it would go over too well with the locals if an 8-foot tall shark-man hybrid rolled up in here. I still wore my "Jaws" T-shirt, though. I like to keep them at least subliminally on edge.

Ex: No, no... I like it... you look good. So I'm assuming from the lack of the "Shark" appearance that you're not looking for blood?

Sharky: Is that what you thought? Ha, ha... no... I just couldn't have you hunting me down. It's a rep thing... wouldn't look good in the whole "predator" community. You understand.

Ex: Oh, yeah... yeah, sure, I get it. So... uh... I know you're not big on the whole "holo-pic" thing... but since you've got the distorter working... how about it?

Sharky: Hmm... I usually don't... but... for you, Ex? You know what... why not? It might be a kick.

Ex: Can I... uh... can I say it?

Sharky: Really, Ex? What... because of the T-shirt?

Ex: That... and... well... you know how I love 20th century holo-films.

Sharky: Sigh... will it make you happy?

Ex (grinning): Immeasurably.

Sharky (sighing again): Fine... just say it.

Ex: w00t! Alright... ahem... (putting on his best Roy Scheider voice)... "Smile, you son of a b...!!!"

Yay, Sharky--I hope he enjoys his concert!

As for Ex, I'm starting to notice a certain pattern to his particular sense of fashion.

The woman in the background. Surely her face wasn't...bitten off?

^That was Thriftshop Debutante, hiding.

One of the wisest men I ever met once told me, "You know... you can get really good deals at K-Mart."

Short sleeve button down... buy in bulk... you're set for years of business-casual summers.







Ex: Wow, Computer... that was one heck of a whirlwind month. Eleven Legion Worlder meet-ups in just four weeks. Where the heck are we off to next?

Computer: Well, sir... if my calculations are correct... it's actually time for you to pause for intermission and spend the next few weekends with your significant other.

Ex: My Whee Fem?

Computer: Ahem. Think meta-textually, sir.

Ex: Oh my gosh... that significant other!

Computer: Indeed, sir.

Ex: Well, fair enough! I think a few weeks off the road might, in fact, be in order after all the scrambling about we've been doing.

Computer: I never said you'd be off the road, sir. I believe she's got a road trip of her own cooked up for you.

Ex: Sweet! Well... all right.. if we're taking a break, could I at least get a hint of what the summer has in store when we kick off again?

Computer: Processing... processing... preliminary second wave targets acquired:





Ex: Holy Cow! Are you serious? That's insane.

Computer: You will receive no argument whatsoever from me, sir. And - if I estimate correctly - this may not even be complete.

Ex: OK... well... gosh. So... when does this so-called "second wave" kick off?

Computer: Target number 12 is scheduled for July 20th, sir.

Ex: Yikes... that seems so far away. This better be worth the wait.

Computer: Oh... I imagine you will be quite satisfied, sir. Target 12 display:





Ex: I... well... just... damn!

Don't forget the t-shirt underneath!