Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business Tag Team: The Lass Who Wrecked the LMB!

Rickshaw pulled into the local convenience store, and had Jimmy, the "slow" kid fill up his LMB cruiser with nuclear space fuel. He walked in to grab a cuppa and maybe even a candy bar before making the long trek back to Legion World.

To his surprise, buying a porn mag and a slurpee was none other than Ajax the Super Goat!

"Aw hell," said Rick. "I'm about to be in the middle of some weird shit, aren't I?"

Ajax was about to get offended, when that weird shit did indeed begin. In walked none other than...

Mystery Lass, Puzzle Girl, Conundrum Queen, Charade Shirley, Enigma Lass, and the Riddler's Daughter!

Each of these young lasses was on her way to apply for membership in the LMB! But each possessed a dark secret that she would not reveal to the LMB!

For example, Mystery Lass, in reality...

...was the last living member of a race of brings who had a unique power so strong, it could alter the foundations of reality! When she achieved orgasm, she had the ability to rearrange the atomic structure of anything near her! Her people had all been killed by space pirates, who still were searching for her.

Meanwhile, Puzzle Girl's secret was even more staggering! You see...

...she was actually a sentient, three-dimensional puzzle put together by unknown beings from a mysterious alternate dimension. She hoped that by meeting the LMB, she might finally have the means to discover her origins and, perhaps, find her purpose in life. She had the power to put together any puzzle put in front of her in no more than 2 hours, 19 minutes and 46 seconds.

Meanwhile, Conundrum Queen harbored a startling secret that would rock the LMB.....

in 2 hours, 19 minutes, and 45 seconds! The trip has used up almost all their time, but Puzzle Girl knew the key piece to solving COnundrum's conundrum was here, and Ricksaw either had it...

... or was it.

Time would tell, but they were running out.

Meanwhile, Jimmy had a secret of his own. He played his part of the "slow" kid, but pumping nuclear space fuel the last few years had caused him to develop...

...the ability to gain insight into things happening across the galaxy that had nothing to do with him! This made him excellent for narrators to install random bits of information! Unfortunately, a by-product of this ability was that he had an insatiable lust for masturbating into the nuclear fuel!

It was at this moment--where Jimmy was in the throes of passion and experiencing a vision--that he witnessed an event across the universe! On the planet Toonar, Super Lance was making his normal planetary rounds where he looked for nubile young maidens in distress to save with his newfound super-powers! He spotted one such lovely young girl, who had mistakenly fallen into a lion cage at the space-zoo.

As he flew down at top speed to rescue her...Jimmy's vision ended!

But what he didn't realize was that the girl in his vision was the exact duplicate of the LMB Applicant, Conundrum Queen!!!

Was she an evil twin? A clone? A lookalike?

Jimmy would never know as just then, he climaxed!

Meanwhile...Charade Shirley considered her application to the LMB, but was worried about her own terrible secret, which was...

... Two words, first word: three syllables. First syllable sounds like....

(This could take a while).

While we sort out Shirley's secret, let's take notice of Enigma Lass, who was desperately worried that someone would find out she...

...was wanted on three planets for racketeering, mousekateering, and musketeering. Yet she had been framed by Exnihil's old flame, Penelope Envelope.

No, Enigma Lass' true secret was unfathomable to anyone with less than 8th level intelligence and the ability to perceive six-dimensional space: she was a humanoid incarnation of a universe that had yet to exist, nor ever would - unless she could get Mystery Lass to orgasm with Paladin while juggling kono fruit.

The Riddler's daughter, meanwhile, hoped that Ajax didn't notice the clue she had placed in the porn mag. It was far too early for her grand scheme to become unravelled now! She glanced at her timepiece... 12:30. Good. Just enough time to distract all the others by setting fire to...

...Rick!

With all of these new applicants causing him to get dizzy, Rick had accidently slipped into a puddle of toxic nuclear fuel! Thus, the Riddler's Daughter simply had to cause a small spark, which immediately set Rick on fire!

Luckily for Rick, two things were able to stop the flames: Ajax showing the ability of a male goat to also produce milk from his super-nipples, as well as...

the fact that Mystery Lass had been glancing at Ajax's magazine and unexpectedly reached climax herself, causing all the oxygen in the room to turn to carbon dioxide extinguishing the flames.

Unfortunately, it was also suffocating everyone in the room (which was a shame because Charade Shirley had really nailed that second syllable in her secret and no one noticed). Things looked bleak for our LMBers until...

....Paladin exited the bathroom. The flush from the toilet was so strong (cuz it HAD to be to flush away Lardy's doody!) that it sucked all the excess carbon monoxide down to the sewers.

Lardy looked around and wondered why everyone had been gasping. As they recovered, he marvelled at the bounty of pretty ladies inside the truckstop as well as...

"Rick? What're you doin' out here, man?"

"Just refuelin', Lardy. What about you?"

"Oh, I was taking Ajax here on a road trip. Seems he has a masturbation addiction, and there's this retreat in this space-sector to help out with that particular problem."

Ajax's goat face turned red, and he attempted to hide his porno mag.

"How would you know about such a place, Lardy?" Rick prodded.

"....er...."

"Say!" Mystery Lass stepped forward, saving Lardy some embarassment. "That's just where we need to go! Can you give us a ride?"

"Well," Lardy said ponderously, "Ajax's ride's only big enough for two, but Rick's rig--"

"Nuh-uh!" Rick interrupted. "I ain't gettin' in no crazy adventure! Carol's pissed as it is that I'm runnin' behind..."

Lardy grinned and produced a dish of...

"Peanut butter brownies!" Rick delighted.

"They're all yours if you give us a lift!" Lardy smiled.

"Durnit! That wummin don't make me near enougha them! Yer on!"

And so the lot of them piled into the trailer of Rick's rig with Ajax's ship in tow. They didn't realize at first that Jimmy tagged along as well.

"Hey pretty lady," Lardy said as he cozied beside Mystery Lass.

Meanwhile on Toonar, Super Lance..........

... was aghast that he couldn't fit into the lion's cage (he's a large muscular guy, unlike the nubile young lass who fell in) and was frantically looking for the key.

The nubile young lass was screaming her head off. "Hurry up, will you!"

"I am trying my best, young beautiful maiden! I shall have you free in a minute!"

"I'm not a maiden, and can you maybe try in less than a minute, because I -"

But her words were cutt off when she realized that the cage didn't contain a lion, but instead a...

... 4th Dimensional Hyper-Quantum Lion of Space!

"Oh Lance, hurry! I may already have been eaten or possibly not, or even both depending on your point of view."

"I am/was/will be doing my best" says/will say/said Lance, starting to feel the effects of the lions proximity (or lack thereof depending on the quantum level you occupy).

"Where's that confounded key?"

"Looking for this?" said a familiar voice.

Lance turned to see the key dangling from the index finger of...

...Cobalt Kid! Cobie's hair was mussed up, and he had no shirt on, looking as if he literally just rolled out of bed.

"What the heck are you doing here on Toonar?" asked a surprised Super Lance.

"I've been crashing here in the lion cage," replied Cobie as if it was normal. He moved some of his stuff around, and grabbed a cup of coffee that no one saw before.

"In the lion cage?! But what about the other lions? Have you been sleeping with them?!!"

"Er...no...not at all," Cobie lied, staring to wake up. He looked around at a plethora of female lionesses. "I have my pride," he winked at them, and they swooned.

"Hey sickos!" yelled the nubile young potential 4-Dimensional lion food. "A little help?"

"Oh yeah," said Cobie, "the lion already knows you escape in time, because you know. 4-D and stuff."

The girl was freed and introduced herself as Mary Kate. As Super Lance prepared to get a kiss for his heroism, Cobie decided now was an apt time for some ol' fashioned LMB cock blocking. "Wait Lance! You can't waste anymore time here! You're needed! The LMB signal alert just went off and you need to..."

…go undercover in the Miss Rimbor pageant and foil an assassination plot against one of the judges.”

“Miss Rimbor?”

“It’s like a beauty pageant except more geared towards the adult holo-vid industry. Kent Shakespeare will meet you on Rimbor with a wig, a razor, a bottle of extra-strength Profem, and a list of… um... ‘talents’ you should use for the competition.”

“Wait, what…”

“No time, hurry!”

Meanwhile, back in Rick’s rig, the LMBers and future applicants had discovered…

...that Jimmy was aboard when they heard moans ehoing from behind some boxes. (His vision was of Non Sequitor contemplating hobbit feet.)

While the others were aghast at Jimmy (ultimately deciding to tie his hands behind his back for the rest of the trip), Lardy and Mystery Lass were getting quite cozy. She and Lardy were sharing some kono fruit he had found in a crate.

Mystery Lass held three of the konos. "Have you ever seen sensual juggling before?"

Lardy grinned, "have you ever sensually juggled konos while having me help you achieve orgasm?"

Meanwhile, Ajax.......

...noticed Rick was rolling down his space window to spit out his 4th Dimensional chaw, and wondered how that was scientifically possible in the vast emptiness of open space. It was at this very second that 2 hours, 14 minutes and 46 seconds had elapsed since the introductions were first made!

Ajax watched as a few things happened at once: Rick's chaw spit dribbled a litt on his chin, causing him to reach for a napkin; his sudden movement caused Conundrum Queen to jump, as he moved his hand away from the stick shift; and in the back, Mystery Lass let out a moan from Lardy's handiwork that made all powders on board turn to air.

"Aha!" cried Puzzle Girl! "Look at the air on Conny's face--she was heavily caked with makeup! And she obviously was worried Rick was gonna grab her junk!"

"you mean...?" replied Ajax.

"Yes! That's not a woman baby! That's a man! And it must be Eryk Davis Ester, the Boy of 1,000 faces!"

"You got me!" said Eryk, ripping off his disguise! "Well done, Puzzle Girl!"

"Aw shee-oot, EDE," said Rick, wiping his forehead with his trucker cap. "Whatcha doin here?"

"I'm on a most urgent and serious mission!" he explained. "You see..."

... I've taken the place of the real Mary Kate aka Conundrum Queen. She's one of the Universe's most deadly mercenaries. Someone hired her to infiltrate the LMB and destroy us from the inside. I'm posing as her to see if her mysterious employer makes contact."

"But what happened to the original Conundrum Queen?"

" I outsmarted her and locked her in a cage with a 4D Hyper-Quantum Lion, which I only hope will be the end of her. If someone ever let her out it could be the end of the LMB!"

"I wouldn't worry," said Paladin, "Only a real idiot would open the cage of a 4D Hyper-Quantum Lion."

"Yeah," piped in Ajax, "What kind of complete moron would do something like that?"

The others all agreed, but their agreement noises were interrupted by the sudden girlish shrieking of Rick as he pointed out the front windshield.

There before them....

...was the aforementioned 4D Hyper-Quantum Lion!

"Sonuvabitch!" yelled Rick.

Meanwhile, on Rimbor, SuperLance and Kent were discussing the upcoming plans to infiltrate the Miss Rimbor pageant through the traditional approach of dressing in drag. The only problem was now that he was Super, Lance's physique resembled that of a 1960's Curt Swan drawing of Superman, only with more body hair and a few unsettling protrusions.

"Why are we here again?" asked Lance to Kent, annoyed.

"It's long been rumored that the adult holo-vid industry is a front for intergalactic space crime," replied Kent. "And they are able to send out coded messages through porn magazines. These messages--when read by brainwashed, unwitting UP citizens--can cause them to suddenly lapse into a hypnotized state and go on a sex filled killing frenzy!"

"Sounds kewl! Er, I mean, complicated!" said Lance.

"Indeed," said Kent. "Our codebreakers have determined the latest issue of GILF magazine (which is Goat I'd Like to...you get the idea) contains one such code."

Lance, who had gotten distracted by Miss Juggs 3013, snapped back to attention. "So, er, why are we here again?"

Kent shook his head. "Because the magazine publisher, who assuredly is a space crime super spy, is right over there!" he said, pointing at the little booth for GILF magazine on the trade show floor. “It’s none other than…!”

"Invisible Brainiac?!" Lance and Kent gasped.

As they ran to confront their friend, Blaze quickly appeared behind them and dragged them into the shadows.

"Hey guys, don't blow our cover! As Chief of Security, IB decided that we had to take care of this mission!" Blaze replied.

"Looks like you two are enjoying this a lot" Super Lance said, rubbing his head. And his other head, too.

"Say, how did you drag both of us in here by yourself?" Kent asked.

"I didn't," Blaze replied, pointing to his companion. "Guys, meet..."

.. the 4 Dimensional Hyper-Quantum Lion of Space."

"Aaaah!" cried Lance, "Didn't we leave you behind on Toonar?"

"No," replied the Lion, "I haven't been to Toonar... yet."

"AaaaH!" cried Lance, "You can talk?"

"Only as the narrative requires."

"So, you're like, on our side and stuff?" asked Kent.

"I am all things at once, on the Quantum level."

"Um, yeah I don't think it works like that."

"You needn't worry human, it's not like the time I viciously tore apart Rickshaw's Space Rig."

Meanwhile, back on Rickshaw's Space Rig...

... several things were happening at once.

In a rush to save his peanut butter brownies, Rick bumped into Mystery Lass, causing her to drop her kono fruit.

One piece of fruit ricocheted off one of the bouncy seat covers (Rick did like his comfort) and hit a furiously masturbating Jimmy (who didn't want to stop what he was doing even in the face of certain death, as being in a state of unfinished arousal was terribly uncomfortable) between the legs.

As Jimmy hunched over in pain, he knocked over his bottle of lubricant. Creamy liquid flew through the air towards Ajax's porno mag, which Riddler's Daughter had been trying to retrieve while everyone was distracted by the 4 Dimensional Hyper-Quantum Lion of Space. Riddler's Daughter cursed loudly as the page got wet. She grabbed the magazine and frantically tried to wipe the lube off.

Meanwhile, the fulfillment of the conditions for Enigma Lass' creation caused her to glow in a bright multi-colored rainbow aura, which caused Paladin to reach for his shades. His fumbling caused him to bump into Charade Shirley while she was acting out (again) the last syllable of her clue in the hope that someone would notice. Charade Shirley tripped over herself and fell on EDE's nelly cap!

A horrified EDE ran to save it, only to collide with Puzzle Girl, who had been drawing diagrams on the Space Rig's wall (with non-permanent ink, of course) in order to figure out the oddities happening around them. This caused her to drop her pen near the Riddler's Daughter's lighter (the same one she'd used to set Rick on fire), causing the seats of the Space Rig to burst into flame!

This was exacerbated by the methane gas that Mystery Lass had caused when she'd orgasmed (the same orgasm that had brought Enigma Lass into being). The explosion caused Ajax the Super-Goat to fly horn first through the windshield, causing him to headbutt the 4 Dimensional Hyper-Quantum Lion of Space!

"Well," Paladin said as he put on his shades...

...here's a hitchhiker!

As Rick let the hitchhiker in, Ajax dislodged himself from the windshield (which fortunately, was a Super-Self-Fixing Windshield that Rick had installed at his local Super-Self-Fixing Windshield...of Space! Franchise) and cried "Softscrub!"

Paladin looked puzzled. "I know your old team was called the Clean-Up Crew, but is this really the time..."

Ajax bleated. "This is Softscrub the Super-Wildebeest! He tried to infiltrate the Clean-Up Crew, but he was foiled by Old Dutch the Super-Cow (this was back when she could remember her name), Bon Ami the Super Chicken, that somewhat more famous Super-Horse and me!"

Rick just started mumbling about running a space zoo.

"What are you doing here, Softscrub?" Ajax demanded.

Softscrub replied...

... "I'm here to clean you up good! Because if I don't, the universe will cease to exist!"

"What?!" Enigma Lass shouted in consternation. "But I just started to exist!"

"Aha!" Puzzle Girl cried out. "I figured it out! It's..."

"...Rick! I knew it! He's the whole reason we're..."