Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business Tag Team: The Lass Who Wrecked the LMB!

"...' knee-deep in animal poop and male bodily fluids!"

The group looked down in disgust. It sees that Ajax, Jimmy, and Softscrub had all gotten a little bit too excited.

"Jeepers! Who'll clean this all up?" EDE asked.

"WAIT! I dropped the magazine!" Riddler's Daughter screamed in horror.

"Aw right, like that's a big deal. Lookit mah rig!" Rickshaw moaned.

"No, you don't understand! That magazine is crucial to the survival of the universe! It contains..."

"...the pics Jimmy needs to..."

"... to reach his full potential!"

"Full potential as what?!" Puzzle Lass cried out, frustrated that things were only getting more confusing.

"To beat the record of Longest Masturbation Session Ever!" Riddler's Daughter exclaimed. "It's essential he win this because he must become the Seeder of Worlds! If he doesn't, then..."

"... The universe Enigma Lass became will supersede our own and we'll be ruled by time-bending carnivorous felines!"

"Preposterous!", said Lardy, "Say, wasn't it just June a second ago?"

"Speaking of felines," said EDE, "what happened to that lion Ajax headbutted?"

"I think it was both destroyed and unharmed at the same time, on a quantum level." interjected Puzzle Girl.

"I don't thank that's how it werks", twanged Rick, "Does anybody here actually know a blasted thang 'bout Quantum Physics?"

Everyone looked around uncomfortably.

The silence was broken when the 4 Dimensional Hyper-Quantum Lion of Space suddenly tore through the floor of the Space Rig!

Meanwhile back on Rimbor...

.... the 4 Dimensional Hyper-Quantum Lion of Space was roaring at Blaze, SuperLance and Kent. "You do not know what you are meddling with. Leave. Now."

Kent stepped up. "Explain it to us then. I think between the three of us we can grasp it."

The Lion bared its fangs. "I warn you, you will..."

It was cut off as Invisible Brainiac came flying towards them. "Gang, look out...!"


They turned to see...

... that more than a year had passed.

"I really hate 4D hijinks," sighed Kent.

Unfortunately in the intervening year Super Lance's chest hair had grown to epic proportions, filling the convention hall and ensnaring all of the LMBers.

"Man," said Invisible Brainiac struggling to break free, "this stuff isn't just strong, it's greasy!"

"Yeah," sighed Blaze dreamily, before turning crimson when IB shot him a dirty look.

"Silence!" shouted an inhuman voice. The LMBers turned to see a contingent of gigantic chest-hair lice had appeared, training their dandruff spears toward the group.

"You will bow down before our glorious leader, Legionnaires!" the louse continued, as the other lice stepped aside to reveal their commander.

"Holy space cows!" Exclaimed Kent, "It's...."

..." Kim Kardashian?!!!!"

"Yes!" Proclaimed Kim gleefully. "And you will now bear witness to my butt which broke the Internet! "

"You mean tried to..." Muttered IB.

"Behold!" Kim laughed as she turned around and dropped her skirt. All the LMBers save Lance, who was struggling to part his chest hair, looked away in disgust.

SUDDENLY....

There was a loud rumbling sound, and Rickshaw's heavily damaged Space Rig flew out of Kim Kardashian's ass!

The driver's side door flung open and out piled Rickshaw, EDE, Paladin and the rest of the motley crew.

"What the heck are you guys doing here?" asked Invisible Brainiac.

"There was a Space Lion attack, and then one of the new recruits turned into a new Universe and started expanding, so we needed to take cover in the safest port possible. We've been laying low ever since."

"You've been stuck inside Kim Kardashian's ass for a whole year?"

"It was pretty disturbing," said EDE, and the others all nodded solemnly except for Paladin who failed to conceal a wistful smile.

"But what did you eat?" asked Blaze.

There was an uncomfortable silence, as none of the ass-refugees seemed to want to look at each other or offer up that particular answer.

"Look, it doesn't matter," said Rickshaw, "because this past month, deep up inside the darkest parts of Kim Kardashian's Ass we found out a secret almost too horrible for words. It turns out..."

... "it turns out that this story is about to be rebooted!"

"What?" IB, Blaze, Kent, Kim Kardashian, the chest-hair lice, the 4 Dimensional Hyper-Quantum Lion of Space and Super Lance said in unison. Although Super Lance's "what" sounded more like an "Mmmmmmphh!!!" because of his terribly long chest hair.

"Well, one of the writers," at this, Paladin shot an evil glance at IB, who looked perplexed, "decided that there were too many characters in the story and decided to reboot things by shunting some of us off into nothingness!"

"Oh pshaw," Kent waved in annoyance. "We're fans of the Legion of Super-Heroes, a book with up to 25 active members and many more supporting characters. We can handle this many characters."

"Okay then," EDE said as he fanned himself with his nelly cap. "Then our OTHER big secret that we learned is..."

"Okay then," EDE said as he fanned himself with his nelly cap. "Then our OTHER big secret that we learned is this: this missing year we've just had? Well, it didn't really happen and never will. You see, another missing year happens after this and suddenly its 3016. But somehow that one counterbalances out the first missing year so that we originally go back to where we were before."

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" yelled IB, Blaze, Kent, Kim Kardashian, the chest-hair lic and Super Lance in unison.

"You know, 4 Dimensional stuff," said Lardy.

“Makes sense to me,” said Super Lance.

They all looked at the 4 Dimensional Hyper-Quantum Lion of Space for advice. None were surprised he was licking himself. (Or would be licking himself. Or perhaps already had). He simply shrugged. He was a fucking cat after all. Or would be. Or was previously. Or might never be? Shit if I know.

Finally, Rick just blurted it out. “The Gershdern Charade Gal told us! We figured out what the eff she was sayin’.”

Charade Shirley, who allowed herself to speak since her charade had been deciphered simply said. “As I told you, this happened but didn’t really happen and never will except on these last few posts when it did. So worry not, as you will be returned to your prior year. My work is done here and I can restore the universe. You see, I’m also a 4D physicist and one of the leading minds of the 31st century.”

“But why the eff would you—“ started Ajax.

“I just really love charades!” she said with a cheer. “I now have to go present my thesis in pure charade form and you just know it’ll be tough!”

AND THEN SUDDENLY, CHARADE SHIRLEY’S DECIPHERING OF REALITY RESTORED THE UNIVERSE!!!

In Rick’s space-rig, the crew continued on their journey to Jerk Off Retreat after fixing the damage the lion had done. The Riddler’s Daughter finally had grabbed the porno mag!

At the Miss Rimbor Pagaent, Super Lance turned to Invisible Brainiac and said “yikes! I just had the worst chill come over me! And all I can think about is giant chest hair lice!” IB simply responded with “yeah, yeah, quit stalling and start shaving. You have to fit into this two-piece ASAP!”

And meanwhile, on Ventura, the head of interplanetary space crime, Meglaro, giggled. Was it because things were working to his advantage? Was it because that weird ball he lives in does a funny bubble sound everytime Meglaro farts? Would you be surprised if it was both?

Howdy! This Narrator Nick here, and I just had to give y’all the lay of the land!

In Rickshaw’s Rig
Rickshaw – running late to finish his delivery
Paladin – en route to bring Ajax to Masturbation Addiction Rehab
Ajax the Super-Goat – with the latest copy of GILF Magazine
Eryk Davis Ester – was disguised as Conundrum Queen
Mystery Lass
Puzzle Girl
Riddler’s Daughter
Jimmy “the slow kid”
Softscrub, the Super-Wildebeast – the antagonistic criminal, who once tried to infiltrate the Clean-Up Crew, who claims he needs to clean up someone or the universe will cease to exist

Status of The Mystery Applicants
Note that * means they have been figured out and have moved on
Mystery Lass – the last living member of her race; when achievesorgasm, has ability to rearrange the atomic structure of anything near her! Being hunted by pirates who killed her people.
Puzzle Girl – sentient, three-dimensional puzzle put together by unknown beings from a mysterious alternate dimension Power to put together any puzzle put in front of her in no more than 2 hours, 19 minutes and 46 seconds.
Riddler’s Daughter – apparently involved in planting the clue in Ajax’s GILF Magazine and therefore likely tied into the space crime brain-washing ring at the Miss Rimbor Pageant though she also appears to want to save it by helping Jimmy reach his full potential by being the Seeder of Worlds otherwise the universe Enigma Lass became will supersede our own.
*Conundrum Queen – was really Eryk Davis Ester in disguise; the real Conundrum Queen is Mary Kate, the girl saved by SuperLance
*Charade Shirley – had now finished her charade clues to tell the LMB how to save the universe using her expertise in quantum physics, which they did.
*Enigma Lass – has now achieved full existence thanks to sexual shenanigans of Mystery Lass and Paladin and some juggling kono fruit.

At the Miss Rimbor Pagaent
SuperLance – about to go undercover to infiltrate a porn-mag brainwashing ring
Kent Shakespeare
Invisible Brainiac
Blaze
Miss Juggs 3013

In the Lion Cages at the Toonar Space-Zoo
Cobalt Kid
Cobie’s pride of lionesses
Mary Kate, the real Conundrum Queen – or at least just hanging out nearby

Existing in all places at some point or perhaps all at once, or perhaps never
4 Dimensional Hyper-Quantum Lion of Space

Erased from the story via Charade Shirley’s save and 4D Shenanigans
Kim Kardashian
The enlarged chest hair lice

(interlude) Awesome Cobie, thanks for bumping this up and for summarizing! (end interlude)

At the Miss Rimbor Pageant, Super Lance struggled to fit into his two-piece swimsuit.

"I think I'll need a bigger one..."

"What?" Blaze asked as he concentrated on applying wax to Lance's copious chest hair.

"I... said..." *huff, huff*

"You have to hold your breath a little bit longer!" Ibby chided as he strained to fasten the top around Lance's massive chest.

Just then, a loud crash filled the room as...

...a bomb exploded!

You see, among the guests was Marl, or as he's better known, Metaphors are Real Lad! One of the Miss Rimbor girls was enjoying a vegan burrito and proclaimed "this shit is the bomb!"...and unfortunately was far too close to Marl.

"Ugh, gross!" said Blaze.

"Yeah, exploding porn stars aren't cool," said Kent.

"No, I mean, a vegan burrito?"

Just then Marl walked over to the LMBers. "Hey! I remember you guys!"

"Great," said SuperLance. This whole mission is about to go tits up..."

"LANCE!!!!!"

--------------


Meanwhile, back at Rick's rig, the Riddler's Daughter finally grabbed Ajax's issue of GILF magazine! Though it was covered in all manner of bodily fluids, she finally read the inscribed message, and then gasped! You see...

...she found a centerfold of herself in the magazine! You see, this was no ordinary smut magazine. It was the Wankonomicon. Whoever opens the book will find themselves subject to softcore exploitation and bizarre photoshoots within its pages.

"You sleazebag! How dare you put me in here without telling me?" she shouted at Ajax while slapping him.

"Ah, it's nothing personal, doll. Just business is all." Ajax replied nonchalantly while chewing his cud.

She stormed off to be on her own while the LMB'ers tried to hold back from laughing.

Eryk Davis Ester walked over to the magazine out of curiosity and picked it up.

"I wonder what would hap-"

"No, you idiot! Don't open it!" Cobalt Kid shouted.

But it was too late and when EDE opened up the Wankonomicon, he saw...

...a disgusting sexual act between Eryk Davis Ester, Ajax and some handsome blonde dude!

"Ugh!" cried EDE

"Yuck!" cried Cobalt.

"Meh", said Ajax. "Though I guess it really is the Wankonomicon...which means whoever looks at it sees themselves performing such perverted things. Weird that I saw a female goat on the cover though and thought it was Gilf Magazine. Do I secretly want to be female? Nah. Or do I? No, no way. But..."

"Hold on!" yelled EDE. "First of all, how could Cobalt call me an idiot when I'm his buddy? And how could he even call me anything when he's not even on this mission right now and somewhere on Toonar!"

"Aha!" yelled the Riddler's Daughter turning to the fake Cobalt.

"Furthermore," said EDE in full pesky kids mode, "Cobie didn't end up in the porn demon book thingy, but some blonde dude did! Which means..."

The fake Cobie backed up. "Wait, I'm not trying to be sneaky, it's just...!"

"I'VE GOT THIS YOU STUPID HUMAN MOFOS!" cried out Softscrub, who finally was able to get a word in edge-wise! "I've been waiting and waiting to do what I came here to do, which is namely clean up the single most important human in the universe, which will in turn lead to events that will save the universe!"

"Again," said Rick. "Don't fergit we just saved the damn thing."

Softscrub immendaitely started scrubbing and what at first appeared to be the handsome jet black hair of Cobalt Kid was actually a hair full of grease and soot and some weird disgusting nuclear fuel / semen combo from Jimmy the slow kid. Soon, the man was cleaned and revealed himself to be blonde, tall and handsome (this part is in fact played by the actor who plays Jay Garrick on the Flash!). "Aha!" said Softscrub! "I did my part and now I can just rock the fuck out!"

"Alright," said Rick. "Let's get this show on the road! Next step, Jerk Offaholics Anonymous to drop off you sick sonuvabastiches!"

"Hold the omnicom!" yelled Lardy. "Who is this blonde dude?!"

Finally, Blondie spoke: "you see, I'm actually..."

(Interlude: Nice save on my continuity guffaw, Cobie! )

...Washingtonsonson!"

"Washingtonsonson? Never heard of you." EDE said scratching his head.

"Oh c'mon, you've never heard of me? Galaxy's most eligible gay bachelor? CEO of the number one plutonium shipping business in this sector?" he said shaking his head.

"Still not ringing any bells, pal. " EDE responded with a shrug,

"Enough small talk, explain who you are before things get ugly!" Paladin shouted.

"Relax!" Washingtonsonson said throwing up his hands. "I'm just here to...

{interlude) adding links to Washingtonsonson's appearances and mentions on the Comedic Adventures of Ibby and Stalgie!(end interlude)

... split up Blaze and Invisible Brainiac, so I can get with Blaze and get my revenge on Ibby, who is my rival from way back!"

"Um... I've never heard him mention you..." said EDE.

"And besides, you're half a galaxy away from them," Paladin pointed out.

"Oh drat. Well, I gotta go jet then!" Washingtonsonson said as his handsome face furrowed into a frown. "Oops! Must not frown... doctors said it would ruin the plastic surgery!"

"Plastic surgery? Gowan, you're so fake..." rickshaw sniffed disapprovingly.

"Wait a minute!" Riddler's Daughter exclaimed. "Surgery? Why, I know the one who did your procedure! Everyone be careful, Washingtonsonson is really..."

...Luiza Karamonte!"

Yes, dear readers! The mother of Ferro Lad and his brother Doug! Only in the LMB verse, she took one look at their deformed faces and threw them in a super dumpster...of space! She's the lowest form of life there is: an actress!

Addicted to plastic surgery, she's been tied to the space maffia for years! She once shot and killed her husband Johnny Spaceanatto and blamed it on her poor daughter!

And now, she planned to destroy the coded message in the Wankocominom! Because if the LMB figured it out, all their evil plans would have been for naught!

"Very clever," she said with a wicked smile. "Now hand it over or I'll shoot you on the spot." She pulled out an old .38 revolver.

"C'mon lady," said Paladin. "An old gun? We're the LMB!"

*BLAM!!*

A bullet sailed through the Riddler's Daughter's brain! Putrid smoke drifted from the muzzle. A wolffish from came over her face.

"LMB? Sounds like a buncha sissies," she cackled.

The LMB'ers stared blankly at the Riddler Daughter's corpse.

"Yikes, things just got too serious for this goat!" Ajax bleated out before scurrying off into a corner.

"Now you've gone too far, Luiza!" Paladin exclaimed, standing in front of the others to protect them.

"And what will you do?" she said with a sneer.

"There's one thing you didn't count on: my ace in the hole." Paladin said with a grin. "You see, I have the..."

... "discount coupon at all those cheap fast food joints on Legion World, and I just had a double helping of tacos, quesadillas, curry, laksa, and shawarma! So you're going to get it!"

And with that, Paladin let out a tremendous fart.

Luiza Karamonte doubled over as she inhaled the full force of Lardy's fart. Behind her, rickshaw frantically pressed some switches to seal off the LMBers from the strength of Lardy's attack.

As Luiza fainted, EDE wiped his brow. "Jeepers! Now we have a dead companion and an evil villain! I wonder which of what she said was true, and which not?"

"I know where to start..." Cobie said. "Let's give IBby and Blaze a call!"

They quickly rang up the LMBers on Rimbor. However, instead of Ibby and Blaze, the call was answered by...

...Kent Shakespeare!

"Great idea to call them, Cobie. I was just ab-"

Before EDE had a moment to finish his sentence, he suddenly had a look of shock on his face.

"Wait a minute, if Cobie is on Toonar right now, then who's standing next to us right now...?" EDE said.

"Dammit, not again!" rickshaw groaned as he rubbed his brow.

The heroes turned to see who the Cobalt Kid with them really was.

"I've had it up to here with imposters today!" Paladin said preparing another fart. "The real Cobie is on Toonar right now, so who the sprock are you?!"

The other Cobie slowly began to pull at his face, revealing that he was wearing a mask. Under the mask, the LMB'ers found they were in the presence of...

{interlude) nice save Stalgie! I totally forgot that Cobie wasn't supposed to be there! {end interlude}

Nostalgia Lad's (now Kappa Kid's) is-she-or-isn't-she girlfriend Gwen!

"Thank goodness you finally noticed I wasn't who I seemed to be! only the real LMBers would have noticed!" she said.

"Or, well, anyone who had been paying attention..." Mystery Lass said. "And believe me, I have. I've been waiting for someone to give me an orgasm so I could do something useful!"

"Ooookay, that says a lot about the abilities of these guys," Gwen snarked. Before rickshaw and Lardy could retort angrily, she continued. "Anyway, Kappa Kid sent me to find you. He's on his way to Rimbor to warn the others, but as Kent is on the line, I can warn both groups together!"

"Oh hey Gwen!" Ibby waved from behind Kent on the screen. "Has Stalgie adjusted to his new seaweed and fish diet?"

"Not yet, but at least he's covered up the fishy smell," Gwen continued. "Anyway, we have to warn you that..."

...you guys need to find a way to help us destroy the Wankonomicon! The more people open it, the more powerful it grows!"

"Yeah, we've learned that lesson the hard way." Paladin replied as he turned to see Ajax looking into it. "Ajax, get away from that thing!"

"It's just so...mesmerizing...." Ajax said as he stared blankly into the magazine.

rickshaw ran over and kicked the magazine across the room, breaking Ajax's trance.

"You're welcome." he growled.

"I see. We'll look into it. Kent out." Kent said before ending the call.

"Now that we've finally figured out who we all are, I say we get out of here." EDE proclaimed. "Now how are we going to get to Ibby and Blaze?"

"I have an idea." said rickshaw. "We can..."

"...make our first stop at long last!" And just then Rick's space rig pulled up to Mother Jenna's Masterbation and Bondage Recovery Center (or Jerkoff Rehab, as Rick called it). The LMB had finally made it.

"Okay, Ajax, yer here. Good luck and now git out."

"But Rick, don't you think the crisis we're finding ourselves in is a little too serious for these side visits? Shouldn't it be all hands on deck?"

"That's what led Ajax to this here predicament in the first place. And you too, Jimmy!" he added, yelling at the boy who was about to rub one out into the fuel tank. "Let's check these pervs in and head on our way."

"Er, what about Luisa and the dead Riddler's Daughter?" asked Mystery Lass.

"We'll get to that!" yelled Rick.

But as they started to look around the place, an uneasy feeling overlook them. All the patients had been given silk pajamas, and on the loudspeakers one could hear a steady beat of 1980's porn music. It also appeared the only available food and drink was oysters, chocolate and booze. "Kinda like Cobie's house," said Paladin to Eryk, who shuttered at the memories of visiting there during one of Cobie's infamous "get togethers".

Puzzle Girl looked around and realized it was here chance to impress the LMB once and for all. She would solve the case of what the Riddler's Daughter was trying to tell them! The coded messages being sent into the porn industry appeared to be causing Masterbation addiction, which would in turn force the addicts into rehab. Once here, they weren't being treated at all--instead, they were being coerced into full time orgies night and day! As if their sexual experiences were creating an energy to be harnessed; as if their forbidden sexual acts were akin to prayers being sent to an ancient deity, empowering them! But why would the space maffia do it?

Meanwhile, Mystery Lass noticed Puzzle Girl was on the verge of solving the mystery. Anxiety and jealousy crept in. She knew she needed to beat her to the punch...and she needed an orgasm to do it. Besides, all this porn music and orgy sex was making her uber horny!

She pulled the now-waking Luiza, plus that cutie Gwen, into an occupied room. When she was a girl and Luiza was just starting out, she used to fantasize about her young, nubile body.

Not wasting time, she locked lips work Luiza and starting feeling those surgically enhanced knockers.

Just then, Paladin and EDE...

...noticed the Wanknomicon in Gwen's bag began to glow red and make very sensual moaning noises!

"Jeepers! It's growing more powerful! There's too many horny people here! It's feeding off the hormone overload in such a confined place" EDE shouted.

"Quick! We've got to ruin the mood for them!" Paladin exclaimed franticly. "What's the one thing that breaks the mood for you when you're about to get laid?"

"Well, there was that one time this space chick I was with brought out a lobster and some electrical tape..."

"No, for normal people!" Paladin sighed shaking his head.

"Oh, gotcha!" EDE said with embarrassment. "I have an idea, but we'll need some...