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I request feedback on the "Raltvee" story. We are trying to come to a conclusion, but I am out of ideas.

Hi Emily, I have time over the weekend to give it a good thorough read so I'll feedback to you then. I have skimmed parts before (IB saying "Free Beer!" springs to mind as a great line) but I'll read it from start to end and let you know properly.

Ideas will come when don't expect them so don't give up!

Hey Emily and IB, I've finally read Raltvee, it feels like you are really building up to a mega ending!

Apologies that I've never commented before, I tend to stay away from LWMB stories as I normally can't keep up but as it was just you and IB posting it flowed really well.

I loved the introduction - the excerpts from the travel guide really set the scene. Is Taltve from a previous story? Apologies if I've missed it! It does read that you have a very thorough view of it, from the different regional zones in New Church to the local customs - I especially loved that it was frowned upon to play cards on a Sunday. It's the little touches like that that really help the reader understand where the story is set.

I found Ruth's introduction to be a bit rushed though, it would have been nice to warm to her a bit more - her asking Sebastian if he knew of any rich men who would marry her made her come across as desperate, maybe a bit naive too. I'd really like a bit more character development as I'm sure we have only just scratched the surface of what you have planned for her. It would help the reader sympathise a bit more given the accusations leveled at her later in the story.

The banter between IB and Blaze reads really well, I assume it's taken from real life. I was very surprised by IB and Blaze dallying with Ian.

Sebastian refusing a drink as he had business the next day was a nice touch. He's obviously a determined character - even before we learn about his background in more depth it does come through that you have a very clear idea about this character, his motivations and flaws.

The Tournament was a fun section - it would be nice to see some of those characters again - I loved the name Metal Jaw, it it very evocative and had a metal picture of Jaws from James Bond (maybe it was because he was allied to Octopussy) throughout his fight so would have appreciated a description of him before he fought IB. I didn't understand the stats you used - are they from D+D or another game?

Gideon Albrecht and Doom of Earth Defense are interesting - there is a huge back story there and it's great how you slip pieces into the story without it seeming forced. Love how they are both after Emily too, it added an element of humanity and is a funny scenario to throw into the mix! The try-outs were a surprise, we are so used to powered people that having non-super powered tryouts was a nice touch.

I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this from here. Don't stop now, we need more, more, more!

Thanks, C

Raltvee has only been in the background until now. I felt that Nasger needed a rival, and so I decided to create a nation which has an extremely different culture. It is only now that I have started to flesh out its society. I am glad I created the Raltveech, because through them I get to explore how a state with a strong constitution interacts with kingdoms and empires. Their system isn't perfect, but the Raltveech have a lot of freedom and rights.

I agree that Ruth is a bit shallow. I have only used her briefly in one other story. Maybe the epilogue of the story will make more interactions likely in the future. Invisible Brainiac will post more soon.

I made up my own stat system, though most of the terms are from previous comic book forums I am on. The Tournaments in general are a homage to the popularity of versus threads (i.e Superman vs. Thor) on other comic book websites. I liked those kind of debates when I was in high school, so I decided to incorporate it into Sebastian's past.

I hope to do more with Earth Defense in the future. I have ideas for Earth Defense members of a variety of countries. Thank you for your compliments and please continue to ask questions. I have lots of notes I would like to share with the public, and if there is an interest I shall post.

Gosh! I'm sorry I just read this now. I'd love more notes, for sure. Emily has to be credited for being the "master" plotter - we've mostly been playing off one another's posts here but Emily really has been steering the story the most (thanks Emily!). Usually it's Emily who throws the big arcs and I just catch them and build on them.

The IB-Blaze dynamic is definitely based on real life, as is our implied interest in, er, third parties. We're quite fond of looking at others our age

I think our recent posts have given Ruth a bit more character. I like how she's standing up to William towards the end.

Many thanks for the comments, Harbinger

I'd read a heck of lot more LMBP fic if it had cool pictures of eclipsed dogs in it.

Just sayin'

Ha, ha... thanks, Set!

Once I saw that pic on my camera, I knew I had to use it in that silly arc. And thanks for your comment on that Onevision... with a name like "Set," that makes sense that it was right up your alley.

Actually, I'm so much *not* a DC guru that I didn't remember who Eclipso was, at the beginning, and had to go look it up.

It's starting to feel like Bits has hit a time warp and gone back about a half dozen years. Cobie, 'Binger, Ex, Ibby, Em, Great work!

Now if a certain ghost were to pop in...

Yeah, where has he been? I need to see an Aberdeen accent put into text.

Emily and Ibby: Ho... ly... cow!


First off, I have to admit that, although I would occasionally pop in on your Raltvee story, because so many of the characters and locations were foreign to me (mostly being part of Emily's personal extended cosmology) it was a bit overwhelming to try to absorb it in bite sized chunks.

Once you announced over on Facebook that you had concluded it though, I figured I should start over again at the beginning and read it straight through. I am so glad I did.

I know you guys wrote this over a series of months, and it was really awesome to watch - just in this one story - how both of you were evolving in your styles over this time.


For me, the story seemed to take on three distinct phases: The intial sort of "travelogue"; the Tournament; and then the international intrigue section.

You both have a really keen ability (that I'm quite jealous of) to capture the sensory aspects of a scene. Your way of capturing the architecture, the cuisine - even the foliage - of this planet, was just outstanding. The initial section was so full of this sort of thing, that it really painted a very vivid picture. I was reminded a bit of some of the mid - 1950's Technicolor films, (like "The Man Who Knew Too Much" or "To Catch A Thief") where they would portray Americans in foreign locales like Morocco or the French Riviera as sort of overwhelmed by all the exotica.

The second section, the Tournament, I have to admit, was probably my least favorite of the three. I personally don't tend to enjoy fight scenes but - that being said - kudos to both of you for creating some really memorable characters in that section that absolutely need to make return appearances in other stories.

Finally, the "intrigue" section. My favorite. I mentioned "To Catch a Thief" earlier and that, of course, takes on a whole different meaning here. It was wonderful to see characters that I'm familiar with - Ibby, Emily, Q-Lad, and Blaze - suddenly thrust into this completely foreign backdrop and still be acting as the key protagonists toward its resolution. The blend of political intrigue, mystery, and straight out super-heroing was very well done.


Emily, I know Dev Em had mentioned to you that one of the great things about collaborative writing in the LMB-verse are the (at the time) throw-away lines, that - later on - someone might pick up for a launching point for something larger.

I think that you're going to find - in very short order - that something you mentioned in Raltvee (page 2, post 4 for any sharp-eyed LMBers) is almost directly in line with one of the central plot points of the upcoming Time War plot we've all been hatching.


In any case, congrats Ibby and Em! Very nicely done.

Thank you for the compliments!

I did enjoy creating new characters with IB. Miguel Aligheri and Hal Ferris were characters I originally thought about turning into villains, but things panned out differently. Miguel was originally possessed by the demon Malacoda, but I had him cured off-screen because I didn't think this plot would lead somewhere (though I think this could be undone). However, I would love to use Malacoda and other Dante characters in the future.

There are so many great threads here right now. Faraway's excellent Haunting tale is great - really atmospheric and creepy; Abin's great origin of Everyday Girl and My Wee Fem is smashing; Razsolo's ongoing alternative Legion epic is always a treat; Set's Vi and Alya snippet is fun; Emily's recently completed Raltvee is a lot of fun; Exnihil's sands of Time is also a lot of fun (and includes the sadly missed Yellow Kid); Cobie's tale of a young HG Wells is great, and my favourite thread goes to Jessie321's models - OMG it's absolutely stunning work!

I love this Forum!

Chuck

Loving the additions to "orphans"

Mind you don't let Gigi read this, she doesn't know about Brittany

Darden,

I expected just the first post to survive the transfer, so I spent some time revising things to clarify the time-hopping and such. I was planning to re-post everything one post a day to give everyone time to see the changes.

So anyway when everything survived the transfer, I went back and edited all the previous posts.

So for anyone following Orphans, please re-read it in it's entirety. It will make everything easier to follow.

Thank you for the kind words, Ex! I'm glad you enjoyed our vivid descriptions of Raltvee. Emily and I agreed to base it loosely on Amsterdam, and I for one had a lot of fun researching the real-world Amsterdam and trying to translate it into a futuristic setting.

Also glad you enjoyed the throwaway characters and the murder mystery. Admittedly, Emily and I had some trouble figuring out how to end it, but once we agreed on an outline the writing became much easier and smoother.

Gosh, there are so many great threads right now and I sincerely apologize for not reading them all! I haven't even read large chunkcs of 21st century Legion yet I really want to get to all of them though, and not just the LMB-verse ones.

I am really digging the 21st century Legion and Tempus Fugitive storylines...I normally find it really hard to be interested in fiction that has so many non-canon elements but the characterisations and plot-building easily keep me dragged in!

Guys make sure you read Des's little story 'Fleas'. It is condensed story telling at its best. It manages to paint such clear images in my mind. I loved the threats and bluster, the characterisation of the Khunds and the Imskians.



It is great sequential story telling. In comic book terms this would be a nice little one issue stand alone, which introduces then leaves so many dangling plot lines for future development.

Really enjoying so much here right now!

Darden, I really dig your time-travelogues - In the Beginning and Journeys end - they are great fun, and like you if I met someone with a Tardis, I mean, a time machine that was bigger on the inside than on the outside with a chameleon circuit, I'd want proof too by visiting several great historical events.


Fleas is fun and, I must say, a bit sinister how ruthless Cobie is dealing with the fractious Imskians. I was surprised to be honest, but in a very good way. A very good short story. I really wish I could write so much in so few posts!


IB and Blaze's visits to the great sites of Earth is fun. They've picked some stunning locations in Homecoming to describe - and the links are greatly appreciated. Looking forward to seeing how the Corporation are finally dealt with.


Abin's origin of Everday Girl is more complex than I imagined - good stuff too! You write prose really well Chuck, it's always a pleasure to read.

Razsolo's Legion stories are always a delight as he mixes the best of soap opera character driven plotting with great action scenes. If you aren't reading these stories you are missing a treat! And Raz, thank you for your praise of Tempus Fugitive above, it's appreciated.


Now to catch up on Ex's great Sands of Time story and all the rest that I've missed lately.

fab fab fab

Wow Darden, thank you so much for the compliments! Harbi, you too for the kind words!

I've wanted to write a true "short" story for awhile that is exactly as Darden says--if it were a comic, it'd be one single issue that leaves a lot dangling to be followed up on. It's fun to do that, in deciding what to cut out.

I also wanted to get across the struggle of having to portray oneself as a complete villain in order to do the right thing...and in doing so, come too close for comfort in actually being that villain.

Like Harbi said, Bits is really on fire these days! So much to get to, and I'm hoping to get to all of it (both LMB and non-LMB stuff alike). It feels like so many of us are really just better than ever in writing in the message form format. Like we've kind of figured out the best way to make it work for us.

Thank you kindly, Harbi! Your insightful reviews always serve to encourage

I am trying to wrest down some time to really go through all your own stories as well - the awesomely positive feedback has got me excited to read em all!

Thanks IB, I do try to read everything that people have posted here and comment on them - as I know you are aware it always feels great to get feedback. Hope you enjoy the Dream Boy series when you get to it - once I've finished Tempus Fugitive I'll post my story notes as the plan was to write another arc before getting to this one, but as the 3boot is fading into history I thought it would be best to just cut to the chase and move on.

Anyway, enough about me, me, me, your Homecoming story is addictive - it's great to see yours and Blaze's relationship being explored as you also explore Earth. Each post gives the reader just enough of a hook to entice them back, whether it's the mystery around IB's leaving Earth (What are you keeping from us, and Blaze?) or what the corporations have been up to. Addictive!

Also, Razsolo's Legion continue to wow me - the current story is building to great effect with answers to mysteries only leading to more mysteries (I don't want to put spoilers here in case anyone hasn't read it yet) and some solid characterisation that I could only wish to be able to write so consistently. Particularly loved the Cosmic Boy and Night Girl segment in the latest post.

And speaking of consistent writing - the origin of Everyday girl and My Whee Fem is absolutely top notch. Take a bow Chuck! As I've said before, your prose is fantastic, you are possibly my favourite writer on this board when it comes to capturing your players individual voices.

Oh, finally caught up with Sands of Time and Ex has excelled! It wasa great bit of writing covering a mammoth period of time, involving loads of great characters and had enough humour and action and mystery and surprises to make me wish for more, more, more!

B, as usual, you're way too kind, but I must say that while I'm really enjoying everything currently being written here, I think Ex's Sands and your Tempus Fugitive stand out.

Cobie and Ibby I just expect great stuff from, and Razsolo has won me over with his Legion Saga, so I'm just enjoying everything.

So in the immortal words of a certain shoe summoning LMBer, "More, More, More!"

Shoe summoning indeed, I wish

So, just caught up with a few more stories here -

Ken Klar's Talok awakening is fun, another short story that captures silver age ideas with a decent modernity. Fortress Lad and Kid Mnemonic are such unique characters that's it;s surprise there aren't more stories about them here.

Emily and Cobies Quest for Eternity is good. Cobie once again comes across as a bit of a schemer, which although surprising is fun. There's going to be tears before bedtime in this story, you mark my words, the characters are strong and it appears they are not necessarily on the same side. I'm hooked!

Lolitas one post Costly Miscalculation is clever and sassy. What a great piece of characterisation - Lolita reads like every grown ups worst nightmare - a young girl who not only knows exactly what she wants she also knows how to manipulate people to get it. Splendid stuff!