Legion World Forums LEGION COMPANION The Anywhere Machine JOKES!!!!!

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

<span class="spoiler_containter"><span class="spoiler_wording">Click Here For A Spoiler</span><span class="spoiler_text">One is a scum sucking bottom feeder. The other is a fish.</span></span>

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And guys, take the Compatability test.

My three year old loves these...

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo Who?
Don't cry.

To which he inevitably responds..."I not crying, Da!"


And this one he doesn't get yet...

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Little old Lady.
Little old Lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

And then, after we have given him an example, he tries to imitate only to sound like a puppy trying to howl for the first time.

I know, it sounds lame as all get out, but the parents out there will get it.

And now, it's local humor time: Courtesy my rusted-out copy of The Best of Orygun

or, Learning How To Say "Oregon" So People Won't Think You're From New Jersey

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While driving down the freeway, you'll find that the state of Oregon can no longer afford to serve free coffee at its rest stops...



<span class="spoiler_containter"><span class="spoiler_wording">Click Here For A Spoiler</span><span class="spoiler_text">...Instead, they've hired some guy who just slaps your face a couple of times.</span></span>

And finally, my all-time favorite:

Quote

How did Prineville, OR turn into a ghost town?


<span class="spoiler_containter"><span class="spoiler_wording">Click Here For A Spoiler</span><span class="spoiler_text">One day last year, a billboard went up that said "Drink Canada Dry," and everyone went up there.</span></span>

- A guy walks into a bar and says... "Ow!"

- A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

- A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."


All time favorite (though it does work better aloud):


- Two dolphins walk into a bar. First one turns to the second and says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Three women, two young and one old, were sitting naked in a sauna.
A beeping sound was heard and one of the young women tapped her arm and it stopped.
The second young woman said "What was that?"
The first replied "I have a microchip implanted in my arm that serves as a pager."
Then, a ringing was heard, and the second young woman tapped her hand and held it up to her ear, said "ok," and put her hand down.
The first young woman said "What was that?"
The second replied "I have a microchip implanted in my hand that is a tiny phone."
The older woman was feeling very left out and technologically challenged. She excused herself, went to the restroom and came back with a some toilet paper stuck between her butt cheeks. THe two younger women just stared, at which point the older woman said "Oh, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!"

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

From the Reader's Digest:

A banker approaches the Pearly Gates sweating and struggling with a heavy suitcase. Saint Peter greets him and says "Set the suitcase down and come on in."

"No way!" barks the banker. "I have to bring it in." "What could possibly be in there that's so important?" asked Peter. Th banker opens the suitcase to reveal 50 gold bricks. Peter's jaw drops: "You brought pavement?"

A banker, a lawyer and a priest enter into a tavern.

the bartender looks up and says, "What? Is this some kind of a joke?"

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had
tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning
centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally
in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled
him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room & started studying.
Books & papers were spread out all over the room and
little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute
he was done he marched back to his room without a word and
in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother
tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally,
little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid
it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her
surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She could no
longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was
it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline,
the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first
day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall nailed to
the big plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Forwarded by Dear Ol Mom-

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Link

Not a joke per se, but for you Peanuts fanatics who may have missed it: Frank Miller\'s Schulz City .

<span style="font-size: 11px;">(Worksafe, if utterly tasteless. And I mean that in a good way.)</span>

A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters.

As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"

The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

A missionary was going in to the most remote section of Africa. He found a native that would take him upstream to a tribe of headhunters cut off from civilization. In the distance they could hear drums. "What is that drumming?" he asked nervously. The native replied, "Drums are okay, but if they stop... it would be very bad".

The drums continued for three days as they got closer to the headhunters' village. Then without warning the drums suddenly stopped. The forest fell eerily silent. With panic in his voice, the missionary called out to the guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and with despair in his voice, answered... "Tuba solo."

[from this site ]

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

This isn't a joke in the traditional sense of the word, but I couldn't find a general humor thread, so I figure it comes close enough.

http://www.petelevin.com/countrytitles_xtras.htm#REJECTEDTITLES

Rejected C&W song titles

I forgot to mention one of the titles contains a mild body-function vulgarity.

Q: Who is Catwoman's favorite French actress?

A: Miou-Miou

Boy goes home from school and asks his mum

“Mum is it fair for the teacher to punish me for something I didn’t do?”

Of course the mother is furious at this and tells her son

“Of course it not’s fair and I’m going to go up to that school and tell the teacher that “

“Oh good” says the boy, “Because I didn’t do my maths”

Worst Holiday-themed Joke Ever.

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A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the
blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled,
and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

Send the blame here .

And this musical interlude goes out to my pal Rocky.