Legion World Forums LEGION COMPANION Spaceopoly Lard Lad's strange new power - The Game

Lard Lad's utility belt holds multiple specialized, pocket-sized song mixes that can be used to soothe the savage breasts of even his most formidable foes. It's easy for him to bring a battle to a swift end without destroying an entire city block, angering law enforcement or terrifying the public;He simply pops out the correct mix for broadcasting and sedates the enemy before he/she can strike a single blow.

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Wrecking Crew

When threatened by decorum, Lard Lad has the useful ability to replicate himself multiple times and wreak havoc at upscale social functions.

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Cheese Wiz

Lardy can cast magical spells using cheese. Some sort of cheese is always a component of the spell and the spell only affects cheeses.

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April Showers

Lardy has the power to spy on women named April when they are in the shower. He can only do this for short periods or his eyes tend to fog up.

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Waxy, Yellow Buildup

When squeezing his eyes shut and holding his nose, Lard Lad can shoot large gobs of wax out of his ears, taking out any evil doers who happen to be standing on either of him.

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Hot Pockets

LardLad has the ability to instantly heat food to the perfect eating temperture, even from a frozen state. This only works on pizza pockets however.

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Collector's Edition

Lard Lad's patented "Mylar Touch" can proof your most prized sequential literature against the ravages of time and nature-- without the need for any cumbersome and expensive bag 'n board paraphernalia.

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Presidential Timber

Lard Lad can fashion realistic decoys of all the presidents out of scraps of lumber. This power proved very useful during the "Revolt of the Girl First Ladies!"

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Cablevision

Quite a straight-forward power, Lardy has the ability to shoot a finely focused laser from his eyes toward a television at just the right frequency to toggle through over 120 channels. Very handy when the remote slips in between the couch cushions, or into other... ahem... hidden places.

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A Chicken in Every Pot

Once, while foiling a string of robberies at Pottery Barn, Lardy put a live chicken in every pot. Then, he staked it out, and when the thief returned, every where he went, a chicken squawked. Lardy then captured him!

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Happy Meal

Lard Lad can eat a meal and then a few hours later shoot small plastic toys out of his butt. It makes him a very popular guest at orphanages during the holidays...along with Disinfectant Damsel.

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Hopscotch

If Lard Lad hops over any 8 ounce glass containing any liquid, it turns into a fine 12 year Scotch. He is limited to 25 glasses per hour.

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Tinker Bell

Just by saying the words "Tinker Bell!" Lardy shrinks to a height of 4 inches, and is able to go inside many complex machines, like a clothes dryer to retrieve missing socks.

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Saturated Fat

"Saturation" means "maximum unity of one substance with another substance." Much in the same way, Lardy has an innate ability to seat fat single folks next to skinny single folks at all his posh dinner parties and have them cooing to one another like the proverbial lovebirds by party's end. Countless size-contrasting couples have attributed their long and happy relationships to "that awesome dinner party at Lardy's place."

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BB Gun

BB stands for "Big Butt." Due to his tremendously large bottom, Lardy is able to carry his backup weapon of choice between his own buttocks.

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Buffalo Wings

If Lardy grabs two of these appetizers in each hand and then says over and over again "I do believe I can fly!", he still can't. But he can eat them and, depending on the level of spiciness, gain the ability to shoot flames out of his mouth.

Consuming several bottles of blue cheese dressing is the only way to negate the effect.

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Spring Break

Lardy can ace any break-dancing competition with his patented "spring-loaded" matching shoes and headgear. Students of the form travel from all over the world to study his technique and craftsmanship.

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Rio Grande

Lardy can turn any stream into a raging river by shouting "Rio Grande!" However, this can only occur in Mexico and only on Cinco de Mayo.

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Liver Spots

Lardy persuades national TV networks to run commercials for local North Carolina regional favorite food liver mush. (It tastes a LOT better than it sounds!)

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The Vapors

Whenever Lard Lad dons a pair of speedos, all women over the age of 50 must say "Oh My! I think I'm getting the Vapors!" This helped in his apocalyptic fight with the Boy Scouts.

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Retention Bonus

Whenever Lard Lad dons a pair of speedos, if men can retain their lunch, that's a bonus.


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Contrails

Lardy can skillfully clean a chicken or fish and-- with a snap of his fingers-- turn the entrails into junk bonds !

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Compost Tea

It would have to.

It DOES, dammit! I've yet to have anyone who dared try it fail to like it--truth!

By putting decaying vegetable matter in boiling water, Lardy can produce an excellent cup of Earl Grey.

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Pull My Finger