Legion World Forums LEGION COMPANION Spaceopoly Nasty Genie

Granted.

The year in question shall be 4827 P.A. (Post-Apocalyse), when the subterranean council of elders finally abolishes the law making thought-crime punishable by electron dispersion.

I wish I knew if that cute little blonde girl back in sixth grade really had a crush on me.

Granted:

She still has her eye on you and she's hot. Inspired by "Fatal Attraction," she's out shopping for a large dutch oven at Williams Sonoma right now. Hasenpfeffer anyone?

I wish my inlaws would follow my advice.

Granted! Your they follow your advice on cool Web sites on which to post. Everyone, meet the newest Legion Worlders: Father-In-Law Lad and Mother-In-Law Lass!

I wish I had quiet, intelligent relatives.

Granted! As for those secret, er, "investment" meetings they had with those Chinese armament companies while working for the Pentagon?... I'm sure the FBI will understand that you couldn't have known a thing about it. [ahem]

I wish I had more get-up-and-go at the end of the work day, instead of being interested in nothing more than a cup of herbal tea and an 8 PM bedtime.

Granted! You're a meth addict with lots of energy! You're new after-work interests include piecing together shredded bank statements until it's time to do back flips and doing back flips until it's time to go back to work!

I wish that I had a way of spying on all my fellow Legion Worlders so that I knew what they were up to.

Granted.

Of course, you can see what any Legion Worlder is doing at any time. Of course, they can also see you, you dog, you!

I wish I could make people who annoy me disappear.

Granted! Unfortunately, the loss of all those annoying people means that the taxpayer base has been decimated beyond any possible repair. Goodbye, public libraries! [snif!]

I wish that I could turn out better-quality writing a lot faster.

Granted! You are now the newest, fastest mass printing press available at HarperCollins!

I wish that my cats would stop clawing everything in my house to shreds.

Granted. Enjoy your new concrete furniture.

I wish I wasn't such a slob.

Granted. You are, however, so OC about neatness now that you go through 24-36 roommates a year. They start an internet page about neat freaks and name it after you.

I wish my allergies would vanish forever.

Granted.

Forever being a relative term, of course. But hey! They were gone for a whole three months!

I wish my high school experience had been more like Glee.

Granted!
But that also means you haven't graduated HS yet, let alone college or grad school - but you're still your current age. Life may be like Glee, but it's also oddly like Strangers With Candy.

I wish my historiography paper had written itself while I was visiting home.

Granted! It's title is; "In China, the Classic of History is one of the Five Classics of Chinese classic texts and one of the earliest narratives of China. The Spring and Autumn Annals, the official chronicle of the State of Lu covering the period from 722 BCE to 481 BCE, is among the earliest surviving Chinese historical texts to be arranged on annalistic principles. It is traditionally attributed to Confucius. The Zuo Zhuan, attributed to Zuo Qiuming in the 5th century BCE, is the earliest Chinese work of narrative history and covers the period from 722 BCE to 468 BCE. Zhan Guo Ce was a renowned ancient Chinese historical compilation of sporadic materials on the Warring States Period compiled between the 3rd and 1st centuries BCE." and when printed it is 9478 pages long and weighs 32.4 lbs. It's also written in the chinese alphabet of the time frame it covers on rice parchment.

P.S. No Professors at your school are capable of translating it, so...


I wish I knew an easy way to lose 50 lbs.

Granted! You now know how to bet (and lose) on British gambling sites, where each lost bet of 50 pounds sterling loses you about $80.

I wish I managed my money better.

Granted! In fact, you're so legendary for your skills at money management that you've been tapped by the Governor of your home state to serve as Treasurer for the next several years...

...or, until the citizens, enraged at roads being bulldozed and streetlights being extinguished because the state is flat broke, decide to take their mad out on you; because they can't get their hands on the previous Treasurer since his timely flight to Cancun for a permanent "retreat."

I wish my feet didn't hurt all the damn time.

Granted! Now they hurt all the blessed time.

I wish that I weren't such a wallflower at parties.

Granted! You danced all night long and had a marvelous time. But at your age, honey? Oh my. You're now spending the day soaking those poor tired feet. Those corns are going to be there for weeks.


I wish my dog would quit bringing rocks into the house.

Granted! Now, instead of rocks, he's bringing in...severed penises!

I wish I had a job so good I'd never, ever want to quit it.

Granted! Oh, by the way... you're fired.

I wish my beard wasn't so scratchy.

Granted! You beard is soft, smooth and luxurious. Total strangers can't help themselves but to touch it. Soon there will be crowds surrounding your house. Every time you walk out the door, you'll be mobbed by people who want to touch your beard.


I wish Ex would post a pic of himself with said beard.

Granted! Unfortunately, Mrs. Ex has seen the inscription on the pic: "To Rockhopper Lad, XOXOXO, From Your 'Santa Baby!'" And now you've both got yourselves some 'splainin' to do, Gents!

I wish this room wasn't so drafty in the Wintertime.

Granted. The room is much less drafty. Now the rain comes through the ceiling instead.

I wish I had a bunch of grapes.

Granted. Unfortunately they're lodged in your small intestines and major surgery will be required to remove them.

I wish I was a sexy surgeon like the ones on soap operas.

Granted.

You are sexy surgeon Dr. James Frame from Another World. You have not existed since the show went off the air in 1999.

I wish everyone on Legion World lived in the same city.

Granted.

Unfortunately the city is Pompeii in AD 79. Say... do you smell something burning?

I wish I hadn't skipped lunch today.