Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board The Omnichronal Orrery of Phineas B. Fuddle

<in orbit, high above Legion World, rotating slowly in ominous silence, hangs an awesome device. From the outside, an observer might readily mistake it for a small moon, were it not for the fact that its surface was entirely unbroken. Inside, however, no such mistake could be made>

<from the hugely geared interlocking mechanical arms describing regular arcs in clockwork precision, to the series of enormous pendulums cutting their massive swaths across the expanse of the floor... there is no doubt that this is the masterwork of a genius... or a madman>

<this, then, is the Omnichronal Orrery of Phineas B. Fuddle>



<slowly, a form materializes. It is Phineas himself, having recently left Legion World . As he fades in, an electronic, yet somewhat soothing, voice is heard echoing through the chambers of the Orrery>


...the Sun's place in the elliptic to the meridian; then that degree of the equator, cut by the meridian, describes the Sun's right ascension, while that degree of the meridian, exactly over the sun's place, is the Sun's declination. After the same manner...


<Phineas shouts>


Spacial tutorial off!


<the electronic voice ceases>


Temporal Regression Status!


<the electronic voice resumes>


Currently at level eight of twelve. Regressive chronometers retroactively engaged at

The Tobacconihilist ,
Cafe Cramer ,
Quislet\'s Law Firm ,
SHAKES bar ,
Rockhopper\'s Rookery ,
The Office of Security ,
Medicus Two ,
and The Statue of Cobalt Kid


<Phineas smirks>


Heh... I'll wager Exnihil had quite a surprise at Medicus Two... how the sins of our past come to haunt us, eh?

Bring up Seven O'Clock on Visual!

I would actually like to see the little sycophant's face when he saw where he was.


<Phineas looks up at one of the many panels of the Orrery's vaulted ceiling and watches the events of Medicus Two play out . Slowly his grin fades>


Back it up! Show Seven O'Clock again! <watches closely> What is he doing there? He's... leaning in to Cobalt Kid... something is not right, here.

Hmmmm... what does my little pawn think he's up to? Eight of twelve... he is making progress... but I feel that something is amiss. It may be time to activate the Secondary Protocol.

It may be time for my other pawn to be placed on the board...

<even as Phineas speaks the words, Exnihil suddenly materializes from his latest mission in time . Having been nearly drowned at the bottom of Shark Lad's tank, Ex is completely soaked and begins to gasp for air>


UHHHHH!

Uh huh... Uh huh... wuh...?


<he looks around confusedly... half in shock after his near drowning... half in awe at his new surroundings>

AND YOU!!!


<Phineas bellows across the hall of the Orrery>


Just what do you think you are up to, you insignificant flea?!!!


<He marches across the floor, his steps echoing through the expanse of the enclosure. He seizes Exnihil by his coat and swings him against a pillar>


We have an agreement... and you are dangerously close to violating our terms!!! Just what did you say to Cobalt Kid?!!!

<ex cringes in fear... how did he ever think he could get away with warning Cobie without Phineas finding out?>

Wh... what?

What do you mean... I'm doing the work... I am!!!

I just activated the ninth timepiece at Shark Lad's Tank!

<mimicking Ex in a simpering tone>


"meh... meh... meh...I just activated the ninth timepiece"


<drops Exnihil to the floor>


Listen to me, you fool... you may think you're getting away with something, but it's for nought. Whatever little plans you hatch... whatever attempts you make to divert the natural order... the Orrery will adjust for.

What do you think this place is?

This is no simple planetarium... within this edifice Time itself bends to one will... my own! If you think that you can alter the plans that I have lain out, you are sadly mistaken.

I know what you said to Cobalt... and even before a single rivulet could form outside of the course of my self-made stream, it was... corrected.

OFFICE OF SECURITY VISUAL!!!


<one panel of the Orrery ceiling lights up and plays out just a single snippet of a scene from earlier today : that of Cobalt Kid burning the message>


Your message to Legion World was incinerated by the very man you hoped would help you. Oh... you fool... did you think you were my only servant? Cobalt Kid is working for ME!!!


<Phineas watches as Ex's face sinks. The lie has worked>


Now... you will complete the task before you... three timepieces remain. Simply activate them, and I promise you... I do promise you... when Legion World is unwritten, you will survive... and have a realm of your own to rule.


Now... Away...


<Phineas waves his hand and Ex disappears . Phineas waits a moment, then his own face sours>


So... Cobalt knows... unfortunate... but not unanticipated. This must be addressed... but how?


I have tried striking against him before, but he has always prevailed. This time... I think... I strike against those he loves...


<Phineas smiles>

<Phineas walks to the rotating globe on the far west of the Orrery which describes the movement of Legion World. He considers it for a moment>

Hmmm... nine of twelve chronometers activated... not enough for a full rewrite... but a think a small test might be in order.


DISPLAY SUBJECT JBL1!


<a ceiling panel lights up and displays an image of a female Legion Worlder>




Ah... such a pretty thing... yes, you'll do nicely...

(pops in, wanders up to the bar)

Nice entertainment system. Great screens! Can we get the Devils/Fliers game on? I'll order a pizza.

No need... there is a DiGiorno in the freez...

what?


<Phineas turns to face the apparation and smiles>


Ah... the Event Horizon approaches.

Many strange things will be seen. Kent Shakespeare may appear in deep space demanding nourishment... Poverty Lad may quack like a duck... and Jailbait Lass... well... let's just see how I may punish this Cobalt Kid!

Away... I have a date with Jailbait...


<fades away>

<a moment passes>

<fades back in>


Or... rather... that is to say... oh, never mind... Away!


< fades out >

<having accomplished his erasure of Jailbait Lass from Legion World's memory, Phineas fades back>

<he stumbles slightly, weak from the energy he expended. He sits heavily into his chair, and watches the great celestial mechanism before him rotating>


Yes, the order is slightly different.

Mary Hatch!

Ha! Phineas, old boy, you are a devious one. <slaps his knee>

But why was it so difficult? SHAKES should be a seat of power... the fourth chronometer is activated there. Even with only nine of twelve, my power should be stronger than this.


<He Shouts>


TEMPORAL REGRESSION UPDATE


<a soothing electronic voice sounds through the Orrery>


Currently at level nine of twelve. Regressive chronometer now engaged at

Shark Lad\'s Tank


Engaged? Are you malfunctioning? You mean retroactively engaged, correct?


Negative. Chronometer engaged in the present


Oh for the love of...! <Angrily, Phineas stands up> How did Exnihil align to the present?


Unknown. Shark Lad's Tank anomalous in current timeline


Anomalous...? How can there be an anomaly when I... when I... no...


<Phineas sits again, and ponders the repercussions of what this means>

settle down and have a pint. You've been so busy ranting you've missed the whole first period!

I pegged you for a Devils fan, and you didn't even notice that killer goal of theirs!

here. have some pretzels while I pour ya a pint of Keith's.

Yes, Kent Shakespeare… I do believe that a pint may be just what I nee…

NO!


<jumps up out of his chair and storms to the celestial mechanism>


Of course… how could I have overlooked such an obvious detail?

Mary Hatch is a research librarian! A vocation like that isn’t simply a career choice… it’s in the blood.


<scrutinizes the mechanism and finds what he’s looking for… a small steel wire has been snapped. He traces it backward>


No… No… No… No!!!

Mary Hatch… daughter of Niles and Esther Hatch… Granddaughter of Dr. Ezra J. Hatch… a genetic researcher! Tell me he didn’t work in the same lab as… <continues tracing> … oh, course he did!

<Phineas shouts>

VISUAL ON TIMELINE 22 MARK 7! TRACEBACK AND DISPLAY!

<the vaulted ceiling lights up and a scene from years prior plays out>

<Dr. Ezra J. Hatch walks through the halls of a genetic laboratory. He is a quiet man who generally keeps to himself, working studiously away on finding a cure for the Oomarian Flu. But lately he’s heard rumblings of strange goings-on. Talk of the bizarre research being conducted by one of his female colleagues. Genetic splicing… grotesque animal hybrids… bio-weaponry. He’s always been a company man but, if this is true, the lab has crossed a line that he cannot, in good conscience, let continue>

<he comes to the door of his colleague. Locked! Against all better judgement, Dr. Hatch looks both ways to see if anyone is watching, and jimmies the door. He walks into the darkened lab and quickly shuts the door behind him>

<a low hum permeated the lab, increasing the sense of uneasiness he feels. He sees a cage before him, with a small creature inside, breathing heavily. With trepidation he approaches and reads the label on the cage: “Psychotic Beaver”. What? Before he can process the thought, the animal suddenly spins around and throws itself against the bars, growling. Dr. Hatch jumps back in fear but, in doing so, bumps into a small glass tank behind him>

<the tank tips and before he can react, shatters on the floor. A small aquatic creature flaps wildly on the floor, gasping for air. Panicked, Dr. Hatch runs for the door not even noticing the label stuck to his shoe: SharkLad>

<The visual shuts down. Phineas sighs>


No rest for the weary.

If all of the timepieces were in place, this would not matter in the least. I could wipe the whole thing and start over, but I’ve acted rashly. In my haste, I didn’t consider the historical ripples of introducing a new character to this play. Now the entire fabric threatens to unravel.


<the soothing, electronic voice echoes again through the Orrery>


Temporal regression currently at level ten of twelve. Regressive chronometer retroactively engaged at:

Stuart Rathbone’s Masterpost Theatre


Well, thanks be for small miracles… but still not enough.

DISPLAY SUBJECT SL1!!!


<a ceiling panel lights up and displays an image of a Legion Worlder>

Phineas! I am here! I demand...<a cloud goes over his mind with each moment he spends in the Orrery>...I...what is your bidding...my master?

now that's what I call service!

how about a bucket of chicken wings, spicy but flavorful... a meatball sub from Decarlo's on Delaware Avenue, and get Phinny soem green tea... he really needs to unwind and relax a bit.

Thanks, Dark Lard! I'm Tivoing the game so you can watch it after your shift is over.

Ah... the prodigal son returns.

Welcome back to my side, DARK LARD.

Do not mind Shakespeare, he manifested several days ago in the Orrery and, as he presents no threat, I keep him about to cheer my ill temper.

And ill my temper is!

Look! <points to the celestial mechanism> All we have worked for... your return from the future to help me usher in our new age.. all of our carefully lain plans... are threatened.

The patchwork history that I put into place by erasing Jailbait Lass is now coming unwoven. I must... correct this <looks again to the image of Shark Lad>

The timeline must be righted and, as yet, two chronometers remain inactivated by that fool, Exnihil. And there is something else...

Someone has remained immune to the alteration altogether... retained the memory of the unaltered timeline. Look closely, DARK LARD... <shows him the knotted coil of the mechanism> Does not this not seem familiar... especially to you?

Somehow... LARD LAD REMEMBERS!!!

I have no idea how this could be, but... you ask my bidding?

I bid thee... kill Lard Lad.

Kill...Lard Lad? But if I kill him...I kill myself!

Ridiculous! Lard Lad is not you!

Lard Lad is who you were! And who... you never will have been!

You and I are the architects of a new history... one that won't involve any of the ridiculous trials and tribulations that he went through to become you. None of his pain... none of his weakness.

The DARK LARD you are now is the DARK LARD you will have always been. It shall be rewoven as such. Killing him merely hastens the process of revision.

...yes...YES! His weakness sickens me! I would relish ending his miserably wretched existence! I should have realized that your great powers over time would protect my existence from such paltry technicalities as linear existence!

I will gladly destroy him! However, he is surrounded by LMB right now. As powerful as I am, I feel I'm currently no match for their combined defense. How shall we stack the odds more in my favor?

chill guys! you're missing the game!

Sit!

DL, how about a pint of a nice dark stout?
Phinny, you look like you could use a... blond ale.

sit. drink. relax, dudes!

<nods toward Kent> Can I kill him, too, Master? <grins>

are you kidding? I had good money on the Devils... you can't do any worse than what my bookie's gonna do.

No... <grins>... as I say, Shakespeare does amuse me... though he, at times, speaks out of turn.


<Phineas projects a chronal bolt toward Kent, freezing him in between moments, a beer half raised to his lips>


I will deal with you later, jester.

Now... this power increase you desire, DARK LARD... I've an idea...

now wait a min--

<brrr.... does captured Han Solo impersonation>

<Phineas smiles>


Even in stasis... you bring a smile.

Now, you may not have noticed, DARK LARD... and I'm trusting that you did not or I would suspect you of betrayal... I jest, I jest... but when you arrived, I noticed you had the stink of the "Green" upon you.

As you left the LMB, the one known as "Quank" tagged you, as it were. It is no great matter, as even if they were to find us they could not enter as the entrance itself exists one femtosecond in the future.

Alone... this energy is powerful enough for nothing more than a homing beacon... but... if we were to...


<Phineas makes an odd gesture, as if he were plucking threads from the air>


...reconstruct this energy as a continuous sequence from the moment you left... replicate it, moving backward through the continuum... and fold it again on itself... and again... and there...


<Phineas make a gesture with both hands toward the DARK LARD>


You would possess the energy of a hundred Quanks! And indeed, old friend... you do.