Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board Amuse me!

I'm stuck here at the hospital for 24 hour observation. My book isn't doing it for me, there's no tv, and all I have is my wife's iPod touch. For the love of Brande some of you need to step up and save me from the monotony of it all!

OMG, I saw the thread title and would have bet a million dollars it was a Teeds thread!

I'll do what I can to help...

http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/003/231/dancing-spiderman.gif

Why you no good, rotten, son of a cheap...

Oh wait, I thought this was the Abuse Me thread.

Carry on.

Two dolphins walk into a bar.

First dolphin turns to the second one and says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"


<taps mic>


Is this thing on?

There are two penguins in a bathtub.
The first one says "pass the soap?"
The second says "Holy shit, a talking penguin!!"

Thanks all. A pretty young nurse just asked if she could shove something up my bum or if I'd rather do it myself. Weighing my options carefully here.

What does a fish say when swims into a brick wall?

Dam!

***

"Hallo? Dis ist der Cherman Coast Gardt."

"Help! We're sinking!"

"Vhat are you sinking about?"

***

On Sunday, one of the regular pensioners comes in to church without her husband, and weeps throughout the service.

The pastor approaches her afterward. "Agnes, are you okay?"

"I-it's my husband. He died last night."

"That's awful. Did he have any last words?"

"Yes. He said, 'For the love of god, Agnes, put down that gun!'"

I likely have more experience than she does. Roll over...

I'm a little teapot,
Short and stout,
Here is my handle,
Here is my spout,
When I get all steamed up,
Hear me shout,
Tip me up and pour me out!

Thanks all, it's good to have friends help you through the shitty times. Much appreciated

Do we all have to wear those drafty gowns?

Mine ties in the back except the tie on mine was torn off by a previous patient

Should have let him get out of it first...or was it a her?

I once shot an elephant in my hospital gown. How it got in my hospital gown, I'll never know!

That story was irrelephant.

It wasn't irrelephant, it was a hippopotamus.

Speaking of animals...

Did you ever notice when a flock of geese pass over, one side of the "V" is always longer than the other? Turns out there's a reason for that...

There's more geese on that side!

Wait. Is this where I'm supposed to put up my recipe for BBQ sauce?

Its getting close to being over, Dave. I hope everything is going fine.

Okay, who do I punch?

Wait, this isn't the abuse me thread?

Another day of bedrest while they fix the ct machine, filling me with great confidence. Still getting used to this laZing around all dat

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

A guy is horny as hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay check. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"

...and this slide is us in front of the Parthenon
...and this slide is us in front of the Sphinx
...and this slide is us in front of Big Ben
...and this slide is a live sex show in amsterdam
...and this slide is our hotel in Slovenia
...and this slide is...what do you mean go back?

alkie cat by ~Fauve~ , on Flickr