Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business Tag Team - Beware the Octopi! (COMPLETE)

...Charlie let out a belch at just that moment, the force of which knocked Kid Zoom off his feet.

SuperLance and Rick shook their heads. Rick said "You have all them fancy powers now. Can't you do something?"

SuperLance replied "I don't even know the extent of my powers yet. Maybe I have heat vision." He focused his eyes on the Port-a-Potty, but instead of heat vision, what he used was...

his withering gaze.

Meanwhile....

Non Sequitor framed Cleopatra for the murder of crows.

back to the story.

"Well that was a surprize and look at what it did!" Everyone agreed that it...

"It is getting boring! Can we play with them now?" Flashend asked Porta-John. The young man was very impatient to begin the battle. The mystical man replied...

..."No! We are NOT finished introducing the Blackout Brigade! There are 3 more!"

Next out of the porta-potty was...

...former Atlanta Brave John Rocker aka the Human Douchebag!

Up next was...

Zen Boy, with the power of super-philosophy. The Human Douchebag cried out "We have saved the best for last! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!!!" Accompanied by rolling fog and a kick-ass theme song, from the porta-potty came...

Accompanied by rolling fog and a kick-ass theme song, from the porta-potty came The Carpetbagger, who immediately began his campaign for local political office, despite being a stranger to the area!

Of course, there was also Captain Blacklight, who at this very moment was elsewhere, with...

I just hate it when that happens, said Abin to nobody in particular.

Which was rather odd because he wasn't there either...

SuperLance looked at Rick and said, "Wow...we're only on page 3 and the cast already has more people than Cobie's bedroom on a Saturday night."

"Hey!" yelled Cobalt Kid unsure whether he should be offended or flattered.

"Welp," Rick said, "this oughta help thin out the herd." Rick pulled a cigar out of his pocket and bit off the end. He took the vodka bottle and gave it a vigorous shake, thoroughly irritating the dragon trapped inside. A jet of flame 3 feet long shot from the opening of the bottle. Rick leaned in, lighting his cigar in the jet of flame.

Rick winked at SuperLance. "Pretty cool, huh?" As the stench of Rick's cigar became more and more pungent, almost everyone decided they needed to be somewhere else.

So...

Kid Zoom said, "It was nice chatting with you all, but the Sivana's are throwing a party. Red Arrow, you can call me anytime. Especially if an actual fight happens." He then ran all the way to Fawcett City.

Red Arrow took out a vial of perfume and used it to help get rid of the odor. She said, "Somebody please tell me we have a plan?"
~~~~
Flashend used his powers to put a dome of darkness around the Blackout Brigade, which blocked the majority of the flame. He said,
"Somebody please tell me we have a plan?"

Of course, there was also Captain Blacklight, who at this very moment was elsewhere, with...a mysterious cloaked figure whose face was covered in shadow!

"The pieces are in place," said the figure, "and the board will soon be ours!" You see, everything this person said was an allegorical chess reference--the staple of a true evil mastermind!

Meanwhile...

interjection

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for posting in this crazy thread!

Second, here is the current cast (hope this helps):

on site:

Lance
Charlie Sheen
Rick
Dragon (in bottle)
Yorrick Lad
Chief O'Hara
Red Arrow
Space Tart
Cobalt Kid

villains?

Porta-John - teleports
Twisted Freak - male, meth head
Dominant Damsel
Flashend - commands vast power of darkness
John Rocker, the Human Douchebag
Zen Boy - super philosophy
The Carpetbagger


elsewhere:

Black Adam
possible Black Adam impostor?
Kid Zoom
Captain Blacklight
mysterious cloaked figure (speaks in chess references)

Third, a big tip of the hat to Cobie for the chess reference thing. I had no idea what octopi would have to do with this thread when I started it, but since an octopus has 8 tentacles, and a chessboard is an 8x8 grid, the potential certainly exists for a (quasi-rational) explanation.

Thanks again to everyone!

end interjection

"A party!?" Charlie Sheen said.
"A party!" echoed Chief O'Hara. "We'd better...um..investigate!" Charlie and Chief O'Hara trotted off after Kid Zoom.

Space Tart said, "I have a plan!" With that, she rubbed some dragon poop under her nose to help kill the odor of Red Arrow's perfume. "What hardware store did you buy that at?"

"You're just jealous cause she has a better costume," interjected Rick. "She fills it out better too," he mumbled, getting a little incoherent because of the Schnaaps that he and SuperLance were passing back and forth.

"She does not!" exclaimed Space Tart, alternately glaring at Rick and Red Arrow to see if it was true.

"What are we going to do about those guys?" queried SuperLance, pointing at the dome of darkness.

"I'll handle this," replied Rick. "Hey! Guys!" Rick yelled into the dome of darkness. "You were following Kid Zoom. He went thataway!"

Lance whispered, "You do know Kid Zoom actually ran in the opposite direction, doncha? Besides, I don't think they can see which way you are pointing."

Rick mumbled, "Who cares," as he took another swig and began kicking like a Rockette.

As Rick was a'kickin', the real Black Adam returned (on page 3 as promised--go back and look if ya don't believe me--it's okay, I'll wait--whistles theme song to Jeopardy--you back? Satisfied? Okay, let's continue, shall we?).

"How are you today, good sir?" Adam said to Space Tart. (Apparently, he mistook the dragon poop she had under her nose for a moustache. Plus, well, maybe this helps back up the argument that Spacey's not as full-figured as Red Arrow, eh? )

Just then, Spacey decided to kick this narrator in the nuts for some reason. What?!? In the nuts?!? But I--no Spacey, don't!!!!!

<span style="font-size: 25px;">YAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!</span>

<span style="font-size: 9px;">...can't continue....someone else ....please....mommy........</span>

For what it's worth, the narrator of the previous post got off rather easy. I would fully have expected that Space Tart would have pulled an aircraft carrier out of his ass or something.

Anyway, this seems like a good time to segue into something happening elsewhere. Er... howabout... um... Pluto?

Meanwhile, on Pluto...

...Captain Blacklight and the Black Adam Impostor were trying to stay warm while the mysterious cloaked figure stated "And in the Eighth Square we shall be Queens together, and it's all feasting and fun!"

Blacklight asked "Does that mean he's gay?"

"No," answered a voice. "He's quoting Through the Looking-Glass. It's a reference to Alice being a pawn in the chess game."

They looked up to see SuperLance.

"How did you get here so fast?" Blacklight asked.

"I'm SuperLance!" he smiled. "That must be how I knew that Alice reference, too. Now, if you don't mind, I think it's time we all rejoin the party." He grabbed them all and in an instant they rejoined the others, which is good, because Charlie and Chief O'Hara had just...

...got thrown out of the party by some Crocodile-Men bodyguards. They said, "Time to take alittle trip." The Crocodile-Men brought them towards a Multiverse Transportation Device (it's the Sivana family, they make stuff) and sent them to Earth-5, a PG rated universe.
"Have fun talking to Emily's doppleganger! She's evil and incredibly sexy in that universe!" One of the Crocodile-Men said.
~~~
Red Arrow said, "The Sivanas don't mess around. We have death-rays."

SuperLance arrived on the scene carrying Captain BlackLight, the Black Adam impostor, and the mysterious cloaked figure.

Unfortunately, he set the MCF (mysterious cloaked figure) right in front of Rick, who was quite looped and kicking like a Rockette trying to score a field goal from 80 yards.

Yorrick lad finally got a good look at Black Adam and started to yell, "Keep him away from me! The last time he took me I got a close-up view of a dragon's large intestine!" Black Adam and the Black Adam impostor were staring at each other, trying to figure out if the other was a clone or an illusion or whatever. When Yorrick Lad saw 2 Black Adams, he was rendered speechless, which wasn't tough, since he hadn't said much anyway.

Captain BlackLight was staring at the dome of darkness. "Hey, how did they make that without me around?" he wondered aloud.


Cobalt Kid murmured, "Well, getting kinda dull around here. Time to liven things up." With that, he took the bottled dragon from Rick, and gave the bottle a high heave into the dome of darkness, where it landed with a crash and the sound of tinkling glass. "That oughta keep 'em busy."

"There went my cool new lighter," complained Rick, as he landed another kick on MCF.

Red Arrow looked smugly at Space Tart. "Wow, look at how much farther my boobs stick out when I do this. She pushed her chest out, getting admiring glances from all the males present. SuperLance's tights got even tighter, while Space Tart looked for something to stuff her outfit with.


Meanwhile, on Earth-5, Charlie Sheen screamed in despair. "A PG-rated universe!?? No drugs or boobs at all? NOOOOooooOOOooo!!!!!!"

"I'll find SOME way to sex this place up!" Charlie screamed.

But suddenly, he realized something was off. He pulled down his pants, only to discover...he suddenly had Ken doll anatomy!

"<span style="font-size: 30px;">NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!</span>" he screamed.

Then, he tried to kill himself, but found out that was impossible in a PG universe.

"Yes, Charlie Sheen, you are now trapped forever in your very own personal Hell!" said his companion, who was not Chief O'Hara after all, but was actually.....

...Captain Nazi! The villain said, "Follow me if you want to live."
~~~~
The Blackout Brigade decided to use the bottle-throw as an excuse to go for an all-out assault. Flashend's dark aura surrounded him, enabling him to fly, and he began to create constructs that had a manga-art quality to them.

Red Arrow says, "So basically Green Lantern but black stuff." She began to fire some explosive arrows.

At this exact moment, Lash Lad was returning from a date with his new boyfriend, Biceps Reynolds, a part-time weight lifter and part-time kindergarten teacher. They were leaning in for a kiss as Lash considered inviting him up to his quarters upstairs.

And suddenly, without warning...

...Biceps transformed into another Black Adam!

Lash shrugged, "still hot! Wanna come up and do naked stuff?"

"No," he replied, "I am here to take you to my master Captain Blackout and his master the Mysterious Cloaked Figure."

"Can we do naked stuff later, then."

"Yes!"

And off they went to the place where the Blackout Brigade were fighting various LMBers.

The Mysterious Cloaked Figure said..."

"...a third Black Adam? OOOFF! Um...Isn't this geting ridiculous? Wait a minute...is one of the writers of this nonsense getting royalties every time Black Adam's name is mentioned or something? OUCH! Or is someone promoting a pawn in this game...to a Black Adam!? OOOF!" MCF exclaimed, as another of Rick's kicks landed on his/her buttocks.

The dragon, who had been trapped in the vodka bottle, was a little tipsy. However, since he had been soaking in alcohol his dragonflame was much more powerful, and he quickly incinerated John Rocker and Twisted Freak, and gulped down their charred remains. John Rocker's last words were, "Get a haircut, you freak!" Twisted Freak's last words were "Bummer..."

The real Black Adam watched and said, "Been there, done that. I'm outta here," and promptly flew off.

The Carpetbagger turned to face the dragon, who had been voting the straight party ticket for years and wasn't about to switch now. The dragon opened his mouth to spew fire, but he was so inebriated he yawned and dropped unconscious.

The Carpetbagger exclaimed, "Didja see that? I slew a dragon! Vote for me!"

Rick, who was still kicking like a Rockette, said, "Wait a minute. I might be a little drunk, but I coulda swore there were 3 Black Adams a minute ago. Now I only see 2. I might be sobering up."

"Um, one of them flew away," explained Red Arrow.

"Well, I still don't get it. He looks like a white guy to me. Shouldn't he be, you know, like Black Panther, Black Lightning, Black Vulcan..."

"There is no Black Vulcan!" yelled Red Arrow. "You watched too much Superfriends!"

"There's no such thing as too much Superfriends!" yelled Rick.

Just then...

"Arrow-san*, don't you want to talk to me?" Flashend says, sneaking up behind her.
*=san, common Japanese honorific. Flashend is a typical Japanese, ultra-polite.

"Oh come on, Flashend-san. You look like you walked off the set of Ouran Host Club. Why don't you be a good little villain and go read your yaoi?" She said in Japanese. Being a street-leveler, she liked all things Asian.

Flashend answered, "Maybe you will like me once all your friends are dead." He creates snake constructs with begin to constrict the LMBers.

At this point Rick finally collapsed and stopped kicking the MCF. This was partly due to intoxication, and partly due to his being constricted by a black snake construct. Space Tart, Red Arrow, Cobalt Kid, and SuperLance were also struggling with snake constructs of their own.

Cobie yelled, "Lance! Can you break free?"

"In time, I think," replied Lance, "but I have another idea." SuperLance's arms were pinned to his side, but that did not prevent him from dropping Yorrick Lad and booting him with a kick that would have made Rickshaw proud. Yorrick Lad (at high velocity) connected with the temple of Flashend. Skull met skull, and Flashend was knocked senseless as blood flowed from his scalp. Yorrick Lad was still in one piece, but lay apparently unconscious.

With Flashend disabled, the snake constructs dissolved, and our heroes(?) were free. Red Arrow fired missile after missile, with the result that brave Porta-John teleported away.

Both of the Black Adam impostors admired each other:
"Who looks fabulous?"
"You do!"
"Oh, you just look so bad! I love it!"

Cobalt Kid and Space Tart both tackled the mysterious cloaked figure, who yelled "Ouch!" really loud when he was knocked on his already sore bottom. While Cobie held him down, Space Tart pulled back his/her hood and the MCF was revealed to be none other than...