Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business Tag Team - Beware the Octopi! (COMPLETE)

Ajax the Super-Goat, former crime-fighting associate of Old Dutch the Super-Cow when she was with the Clean-Up Crew.

"I've turned baaaad!" cried Ajax! I've been dropping all these chess clues. And do you know why?"

"Because you really hate Laughing Cow Cheese?" guessed Rick.

"No!"

"Because you wanted to give me an excuse to fly to Pluto and back?" offered SuperLance.

"No!"

"Because I decided to pop in for no apparent reason, even though I haven't been referred to yet?" asked Rockhopper Lad.

"No, you ninnies! It's because..."

...I'm searching for Bobby Fischer!"

"Bobby Fischer? The chess champ?" said Rockhopper Lad, this tidbit being one of many he knew through the power of reading. "Bobby Fischer died over a millenium ago!"

"Fool!" Ajax mocks. "I am aware of this, of course! But he has been reincarnated as one of the LMBers gathered here, and that LMBer knows the ultimate chess strategy--the Octopi!" [Editor's note: ah-HA!] "I shall obtain the secret from that LMBer, and with that secret I shall be able to defeat The One Called the One in a game of chess...which will then force her to cede her power to me."

"And which of us is supposed to be the reincarnated Bobby Fischer?" Rocky asked.

Ajax grinned and responded, "it is the LMBer known as...."

Ajax grinned and responded, "it is the LMBer known as Kid Gender Stereotype Reversal II!"

"*Gasp*!" gasped Space Tart.


Meanwhile, back in the dank basement in which the story began, the evil megalomaniac first seen in a dank basement at the beginning of Doom of the Super-Heroes laughed, as the master plan that he had set in motion was... er... in motion.

We'll get back to him later.


But first, let's check in on Captain Lightbulb, who has just had an idea...

..."I've just had an idea!" he exclaims. "My idea is that it is time for myself and the Light Brigade to enter into this story!"

He reaches inside his speedo and makes some adjustments.

"....mmmmm....yeah, that's the way....mm-hmmmm....just like that...almost there...oh yeeeeaaahhhh...."

Suddenly, having made the successful manipulations, the emblem on his speedo flashes. Then, he vanishes!

In moments, both he and the Light Brigade are pulled by Space Tart out of the ass of one of the Black Adam imposters, killing the imposter instantly. (Don't worry, it's not the one who said he'd get it on with Lash!)

As he and the LB wiped feces off themselves, Captain Lightbulb asked, "can someone give us an idea as to what's going on here?"

Once Flashend came around, the crew made sure he would not be able to escape. Red Arrow said, "Stool pigeon, is it going to be sing or fly?"

"Arrow-san, I am sure that your voice is far superior to mine. How about a rendition of "Nobody" by the Wonder Girls?" He said smuggly.

The Flasher intervened, "Do not mess with us." He used his powers and Flashend was frightened. The young man said, "So rude...but I will talk. There will be a tragedy in five hours."

Everyone was shocked at the news. Red Arrow pressed, "Where will it be? And who will be attacking?"

"It will be in Seoul. Kryptonians sent from the Phantom Zone. There is some sort of deal," Flashend continued.

"Unfortunately, I left all my Kryptonite jewelry at home," Red Arrow said. "But Question Lad is in Seoul for a business conference. I know he has Kryptonite." She took out her Amaterasu (think smart phone) and texted Question Lad.

Flashend was about to leave, but Antler Lass blocked his path. "We're keeping you as hostage so we don't get pulled into a trap." The crew began the journey to Seoul.
~~~~~
"What do you mean radion is out of stock? This is a matter of LMB security...at least my own security. My powers do not work on gods, even the New Gods," Question Lad was talking on his Susanoo 3000. He finished the conversation when he saw Red Arrow's text. Question Lad quickly texted back.

Captain Lighbulb repeated, "What is going on here?"

"Beats me," said a recovering Rickshaw.

"I dunno," shrugged Cobie.

"Haven't a clue," said Space Tart.

"Oh, that's a surprise," Red Arrow quipped, rolling her eyes.

"I just came here to stop a giant aster...um...a ball of dragon poo." Lance posed heroically. "Guess my job is done. Who wants to go grab a drink?"

Cobie, Rickshaw, and Rockhopper (penguin?) Lad all thought that sounded like a pretty good plan.

SuperLance eyed Space Tart, "Hey, wanna come along cutie?"

Space Tart glimpsed the large bulge in Lance's pants, shrugged, and said "Ok, but what about the chessplaying goat guy?"

"Oh, I doubt he knows FIDE from feta," Lance replied.

"I do so!" protested Ajax.

Rickshaw whispered to Lance, "Think we could get the girl with the huge rack to come along?"

"I dunno Rick - I think you might have a better shot with he girl in the coma."

"Haven't exactly gone that route," Rick said, "although there was this one girl I used to date who I would make take a cold shower and then get her to lie really still..."

"Ewww!" replied SuperLance.

"Let's bring this guy along," said Rick, picking up Yorrick Lad. SuperLance gathered Cobie, Rick (with Yorrick Lad,) Space Tart, and Rockhopper and flew them to the Hypertime bar, formerly known as Bob's Burger Heaven and Transmission Repair.

Just as they left, the dragon started to awake. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen a dragon with a hangover, but trust me, it isn't pretty. (You're not likely to see it twice, if ya know what I mean.)

So...

[Interlude]
Sorta. (Blatant plug for LMB Wiki )
[/Interlude]

"Okay, I give up! Retcon away for all I care! I would be funny but that would require alot of fourth wall breaking," Red Arrow said. She said, firing arrows at the dragon.

"I blame everyone, especially that college girl. She really doesn't share their sense of humor. It's quite sad, really," Flashend said. He was totally ready to do LMB: Abridged. He was constructing a cage construct around the dragon.

30 minutes later at the Hootchie Hut:

Cobalt Kid was hitting on a Bgytzlian young hottie, because he had a theory on how her abilities could prevent pregnancy but not ruin the climax. Just as he's about to seal the deal, Ajax the Super-Goat takes a seat next to him, causing her to walk away.

"Real smooth, golden fleece," said Cobie, annoyed. "Shouldn't you be looking for Bobby Fischer?"

"But, you LMBers said you could help me! I mean, you didn't really just come here to get drunk and hook-up with the locals, did you? You must have some sort of plan?"

"Er, well, uh...you see..." said Cobie, "...of course we do. Lance, is going to, er..."

Just then, Super-Lance yelled: "Yay! Eryk Davis Ester and Kid Gender Stereotype Reversal II are here!" The LMB turned to see the two, who were also on a date, were just arriving for a nightcap.

Just as Rick wondered why Eryk was taking her to the Hootchie Hut of all places for a nightcap, Ajax shouted...

..."I challenge YOU, Kid Gender Stereotype Reversal II, to a DANCE-OFF! If I win, you teach me the secret of the Octopi!!!"

"And if I win?" KGSR2 said.

"...er...name your boon (though the idea of you winning would be ridiculous)."

"If I win, you reveal the identity of that mysterious villain from the 'DOOM of the Super-Heroes'...plus you give me 1000 credits," she replied.

"Fine! But I choose the song! Let the dance-off begin! DJ, play...."

"Whoa! check out the udders on that nanny!" Ajax sidled up to a sleek female goat with a drink in one hoof. He smiled as best a goat can, and said, "Hey there sweet thing! Wanna learn to play chess? I can show you some great mating techniques..."

Lucky for Ajax, the nanny was in heat, and they were soon slow-dancing in a dimly lit portion of the dance floor.

Space Tart was quite tipsy and was squirming on SuperLance's lap. Lance was quite willing to keep buying her drinks as long as she didn't stop.

Rick looked at Rockhopper, and said, "Check out Ajax, Gentoo - looks like he might be gettin' lucky tonight."

"It's Rockhopper! I'm not a Gentoo penguin!"

"Calm down, Chinstrap," slurred Rick, as he watched the Bgtzlian babe sit back down beside Cobalt and start rubbing his chest, oddly enough reaching through his shirt. As her hand slid lower, Cobie's, um, grin got bigger.

Eryk spied the crew, and he and KGSR2 came over and sat down.

"Howzit going, Eryk! Watcha up to tonight?"

Eryk replied...

..."well, Ajax and KGSR2 are about to have a dance-off (as referenced on the bottom of the previous page--go ahead and look, we'll wait...got it? Okay!) but the DJ had an equipment malfunction..."

"It's fixed!" the DJ yelled.

"Pardon me, darlin'," Ajax said, "but I got somethin' to take care of first!"

KGSR2 stands up and faces him.

"Alright, DJ," Ajax says, "play....

...I WANNA SEX YOU UP by Color Me Badd!"

Little did Ajax know that KGSRII was planning that same very night to give Eryk Davis Ester a private 'dance' to this very song in her quarters when they finished this nightcap, bringing years of flirtation to the next level at long last!

Immediately, the dance-off began with Ajax doing a really nasty move with his goat-ass, but soon he realized he was outmatched.

"Yo, DJ, spin that shit!" yelled a voice suddenly, causing everyone to stop before the dance-off could finish. They turned to see none other than...

The Dancing Queen, followed by a sheepishly grinning Invisible Brainiac.

"Umm... Hi Guys!" IB smiled at the group, "We heard there was a dance contest here tonight and well..."

..."We've been asked to be the celebrity judges."

"Judges?" asked a very plastered Rick. "Are we in court, Adelie?"

"Adelie is my sister's name, Rick," Rocky sighed. "Just call me 'Rocky', okay? IB, it's Ajax the Super-Goat with Nancy the Nanny Goat against Kid Gender Stereotype Reversal with Eryk Davis Ester. Have a seat!"

Just then, the DJ...

Just then, the DJ played this song .

"What kind of crap isshh thishh", Rick slurred.

Boos could immediately be heard from the audience.

Lance threw a glass at the DJ. Eryk Davis Ester flung poo at the DJ (which should have been the first clue that this was not really EDE, but instead the notorious villain Boy of 1000 Feces, but nobody was sober enough to put it together).

Fortunately, the scene was interrupted by a giant crash caused by...

Captain Blacklight falling through the ventilation system in the ceiling! In classic bumbling fashion, the Capt revealed that he was still following the LMB!

"You won't get rid of me so easily this time!" he yelled. "Because I'm the 3rd celebrity judge!"

As everyone groaned, suddenly yet another crash was heard! They all turned to see...

...Old Dutch the Super-Cow! She had tripped while walking in the door. "I'm all right," she said, getting up. "I heard my old friend Ajax was here and was acting very strangely."

"You silly cow!" Ajax sneered. "When you retired and the Clean-Up Crew broke up, I realized that I had been using my superior goat intellect for all the wrong reasons! In the intervening decades, I am on the brink of total domination! If you'll excuse me, I have a dance contest to win!"

Old Dutch scoffed Ajax and walked off to join Rocky who had already ordered her a Kahlua brown cow.

The DJ then asked the crowd, "What should I play next?"

The answer came...

...not in time because in ran Chief Lardy. Hysterically, he screamed, "I'm being chased by Penis-Eradicater Lass! Heeeeeeeeellllllppppp!!!!"

Sure enough, he was followed quickly by the Damsel of Dong Destruction herself. "Come back, you---!" She stopped as she looked around and took in the setting. "Ohhhh!" she squealed. "So many penises to eradicate!"

She fixed her eyes on one male in particular and unleashed the full fury of penis eradication on....

She fixed her eyes on one male in particular and unleashed the full fury of penis eradication on SuperLance's super-enlarged member!

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Space Tart, who was looking forward to getting even more friendly with SuperLance later that night.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed SuperLance, for obvious reasons.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the dude in the dark, dank basement, who suddenly saw his plans, which required eight giant penises, being inadvertantly thwarted.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Charleton Heston, who had just found a fly in his soup.

That's a lot of shouting! Fortunately, at that very moment, someone was being a lot quieter. That was...

That's a lot of shouting! Fortunately, at that very moment, someone was being a lot quieter. That was...

Yorrick Lad, who was just regaining consciousness.

Lance took a peek inside his tights. "Gonna have to change my name to Micro Lad, I guess..." he mumbled.

"Ooohhh...", moaned Yorrick Lad. "Feels like my skull is about to split..."

Rick, Lance, Space Tart, and Rockhopper quickly scooted back from the table, just in case he meant it literally.

Chief Lardy hid under the table, protectively covering his groin with his hands. Then he felt a little more...then a little more. Well, Chief Lardy was occupied for awhile, especially since he could see up Space Tart's skirt a little.

Rick stood up. (Somewhat shakily, but he stood.) "Stop right there, Penis Eradicator Lass!"

PEL eyed Rick's crotch. "And if I don't?"

"My super-power is to shrink womens' boobs away to nothingness!" responded Rick.

"Ha!" said PEL haughtily. "I think you're bluffing!"

"Oh yeah?" replied Rick. "Look what I did to her!" as Rick pointed at Space Tart.

*gasp!* gasped PEL.

Just then...

...Nancy the Nanny Goat walked over. her ample udders had disappeared to nothing! "Nincompoop!" she said to Rick as she walked out. Apparently Rick's aim was a little off.

Space Tart ran to a very scared P.E.L. and knocked her out cold, crying "Consider yourself lucky I didn't pull a school bus out of your backside! Rocky, would you mind?"

The Pyngwyn Prince put the unconscious attacker on ice. "Cobie," Rocky called, "Do you think your healing power might help Lance out?"

Ajax then spoke...

..."my massive goat schlong remains untouched!"

"Mine too," sighed Cobie in relief, noting his 9 inch member was safe.

"I'm not sure I can heal Lance's member, Rocky," said Cobie who really did not want to handle it. "But I will consider other ways to restore it..." he lied.

Just then, the DJ began playing the cool sounds of Donna Summer, annoyed at the lack of suggestions! The dance off had begun!

Faster and faster flew Ajax’s hooves as he thrashed wildly about (and in no way kept to the rhythm ) to the sound of Donna Summer.

“NOOOOOO” he screamed in agony, “anything but that song, its going to release......make it stop or I’ll.........”

Sparks flew from his hooves and unfortunately they landed on the luxurious furnishings of the Hootchie Hut setting off a major inferno in the matter of seconds.

Coughing and spluttering the LMP ran outside and waited for the Fire Brigade.

“Hang on a moment”, said Lance, who was feeling a little down at the moment, “where’s Cobalt and Space Tart gone? Cobie was going to, erm, handle my little problem and now he’s gone”

Somewhere faraway Cobalt Kid opened his eyes groggily His head was thumping and lying next to him he could see Space Tart and he couldn’t help but notice her ample talents were restored to her.

Hearing a noise he gingerly turned his head and saw.

“You!! What are you doing here??”

Rockhopper Lad answered "You passed out and Space Tart carried you across the street." And from this distance, I can do this! Rocky blew out the fire, using his super-breath.

"But Space Tart's bosom..."

"Rick also has the power to make breasts larger. That power would be pretty useless on my planet. We have no indigenous mammals. Oh, and don't worry about Lance. I checked with Time-Teller Lad and he has a friend called Penis-Extender Lad. He'll be here shortly."

Cobalt then asked "What about the dance contest?"

Rocky laughed and replied...