Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business Tag Team - Beware the Octopi! (COMPLETE)

Howdy! I haven't seen a tag team writing thread in awhile, so I thought I would try to start one. The more authors, the better. Off we go, let the silliness ensue...

Lancesrealm sat alone in a dank basement. (Is there any other kind?) He had been playing solitaire for hours. The deck was missing 3 cards, but Lance was a notorious cheater, and had won every game. So far, he was 20 bucks ahead. Lance took a long pull from the half-empty bottle of vodka, and then played a quick round of gaseous emissions.

Suddenly, the basement door opened and Lance shielded his eyes from the (not-so) blinding light. In walked...

...Charlie Sheen. He'd heard there was a party going on, and he never misses a party.

He mixed up a batch of tiger blood and vodka and sat down with Lance when suddenly...

...Lance became infected with Charlie's warlock Adonis DNA and became SuperLance. Realizing he was made for bigger things, SuperLance...

checked out how much bigger his penis had gotten. SuperLance shook his hips, inadvertantly knocking over the bottle of vodka. Sheen caught the bottle before it hit the floor, since his super-power is never to let alcohol go to waste.

SuperLance wondered if Sheen would be jealous, since there were now 2 giant pricks in the room.

"I'll be right back, Charlie. I need to..."

...save the planet from a giant asteroid! Now that he was Super, Lance had grown much more ambitious. Sensing his fame was on the verge of ending, Charlie joined him.

The two hitch-hikes over to the local space shuttle as a truckdriver picked them up. Once they got inside the truck, Lance was shocked to see the driver was none other than...

Rickshaw, who was online trying to up his post-count some more.

Rick looked up and said, "Grab a seat - it's gonna be a bumpy ride. By the way, I'm Rickshaw."

Charlie Sheen's eyes widened. "I don't wanna go into space in a Rickshaw." Charlie then crawled into the bottle of vodka, which was another of his super-powers.

SuperLance took a seat. "I'm Lance. Nice to meet you Rick."

Rick glanced at Lance's pants. Funny. I woulda guessed Dick, but oh well, off we go. Um...where are we going?"

"Follow that asteroid!" exclaimed SuperLance.

Just then...

...the asteroid, now appearing much smaller, landed in a nearby field. Rick pulled his truck to the side of the road. Carrying Charlie in the Grey Goose bottle, SuperLance walked toward the asteroid with Rick behind him. The grass around it caught fire. SuperLance blew out the flames with his super-breath. The trio approached the asteroid, to discover it was not an asteroid at all, but...

The trio approached the asteroid, to discover it was not an asteroid at all, but...a giant ball of dragon poop.

Rickshaw's eyes widened as he stomped out a patch of flaming grass.

"Be careful not to get any on your shoes," SuperLance cautioned. "That's an old dragon prank."

"I could understand why it is steaming," said Rick, "but why was it on fire?"

"Are you sure dragonfire only comes out from the front?" retorted SuperLance.

"Um...good point", muttered Rick, as he tried to wipe some dragoncrap off his shoes.

"Ooohhhh....." came a soft moan from with the giant steaming pile of dragondung.

SuperLance and Rick stared at each other in disbelief as a figure crawled out of the ball of dung. As the mysterious figure wiped itself off as best it could, SuperLance and Rick realized the poop-coated figure was none other than...

...Black Adam who had someone's skull in his hands.

SuperLance watched Black Adam execute a super-spin to clean himself off, which spread fertilizer over the surrounding area, not to mention SuperLance and Rickshaw.

"Well, crap," mumbled Rick, as he wiped off his face.

"You have a talent for understatement," replied SuperLance. "What do you figure he's been up to?"

"Looks like he's rehearsing for Hamlet," said Rick.

"Well, maybe the whole cast got eaten by a dragon. I sure hope it didn't give him ultra powers or anything. Oh, wait he already has super-powers..."

Just then, Black Adam noticed Rick and SuperLance.

He...

He pointed at the skull and said, "This... this thing talks!"

"I reckon I'd be a little space-happy if I'd just been pooped out by a dragon as well," Rick said.

"No, I'm serious..." Black Adam responded, frustrated. "Here... take the damn thing."

Black Adam tossed the skull to SuperLance and Rickshaw and flew off, not to be seen again until page 3.

SuperLance and Rickshaw stared at the skull for a moment, and then, suddenly, a glow seemed to come from inside it, and muffled words could be heard.

"What did it say?" SuperLance asked.

Rickshaw picked it up and then held it up close to both of their ears until they could hear it clearly.

"Beware the Octopi!" they heard the skull say, and then it grew silent.

Just then, out of the sky came...

...a giant dragon!

Infuriated that Black Adam, who he had digested just prior to this tag team starting, had survived and passed 100% through his bowels, the dragon was ready for a reckoning!

"BOHICA*" said the skull, who apparently said more than just ominous phrases. "I'm Yorrick Lad, and unfortunately, I didn't know you all that well..." he added, expecting them to be consumed by the dragon.

"Not so fast!" said a voice, as Cobalt Kid arrived on the scene! “I might be here to party with Charlie Sheen, but I brought another LMBer that’s going to kick some dragon ass! It’s none other than…”

*BOHICA = Bend over, here it comes again...

"Not so fast!" said a voice, as Cobalt Kid arrived on the scene! “I might be here to party with Charlie Sheen, but I brought another LMBer that’s going to kick some dragon ass! It’s none other than my newest drinking buddy, Chief O'Hara of Gotham City!”

"Saints be praised!" said Chief O'Hara. "That's one mighty big dragon!"

Rick and SuperLance looked at each other, a bit puzzled, as they didn't remember Chieef O'Hara being in the LMB, but, what the hell.

"If you don't mind my sayin', sirs, don't you think this is an occassion on which we best be usin' the red phone..."

Chief O'Hara pulled out a red phone with a single button on it, and offered it to SuperLance, who pressed the button. The phone lit up, and then, a voice answered on the other end. It was...

...Red Arrow who had just finished punching out some drug-pushers. She answered, "Chief O'Hara I found the location of the drug lord Tyrian! Did we get that warrant yet?"

Unfortunately, at that moment, both the dragon and Black Adam got their mad on again, and then smashed into each other again.

Adam punched and kicked while the dragon flamed and bit and clawed.

SuperLance and Rickshaw, both being smart asses, looked at each other, reached into their back pockets, and pulled out microwave popcorn bags.

"Got'ne Pepsi, SL?"

"Nope, but I do happen to have a bottle of schnapps absinthe."

"Uh, didn't know they had that..."

"Yeah, but it makes you hallucinate that you dance in the Rockette's line."

"hnnn. Well'p, the kick pretty good i hear. Might come in handy. Break it out SL."

"Sure, bu.... look out!" At that moment, Black Adam came flying past to smash into the ground with a very ticked off and angry dragon charging at them. Being the very cool cats that they are, SL and Rickshaw simply stepped apart as the dragon charged between them. It was at that moment that....

Emily had been preparing a Sivana party as Chief O'Hara explained the situation.



She arrived with several gadgets in addition to her usual quiver. She greeted SL and Rickshaw, "Hello, I am Red Arrow. What is our strategy here?"

SuperLance just looked at Rick. "Do we have a strategy?"

"Howsabout we let Charlie out of the bottle?"

SuperLance hit the bottom of the vodka bottle, as one would a bottle of ketchup. Forgetting his newly acquired super-strength, he sent Charlie hurtling out of the bottle, soaring 100 feet up into the air and back down to the ground where he landed in the waiting arms of...

...Space Tart! Evidently the tabloids were already claiming Spacey was hanging with Charlie Sheen and Cobalt Kid and she needed to find out why, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy!

"Whoa! Talk about WINNING." said Charlie.

As Black Adam and the dragon battled below, and Rick & Lance ate popcorn, Cobalt Kid flew beside Red Arrow.

"I've got this," he said and proceeded to kick the crap out of Black Adam.

"And I got this!" said Charlie as he displayed yet another power, sucking the dragon into the bottle of vodka! "I bet this booze just went to 150 proof!"

The dust now settling, Space Tart asked: "so I just got here for nothing? The battle is over?"

"Not quite," said Lance. "My new super-hearing just alerted me to..."

"...a sonic boom in the distance! Something else else fast is coming this way." Just as he finished that sentence a blur of yellow surrounded them. Black Adam used this distraction as a chance to leave.

Red Arrow began firing arrows, but it was no use. She shouted, "Kid Zoom, what is going on?" She then took out a lighter and proceeded to lit a fire arrow, and the force of friction combined with the arrow to create a fire which stopped Kid Zoom for two seconds...

...and she repeated her question: "What's going on?"

Kid Zoom panted. "I'm fleeing from the terrible fury of Captain Blacklight and the Blackout Brigade!"

"Huh?" said Cobalt Kid. "Don't you mean Captain Lighbulb and the Light Brigade? Don't worry, man...they're good guys. Yeah, a little on the retarded side, but--"

Kid Zoom pimp-slaps Cobalt. "No, you ass! I meant what I said! They're like the anti-Light Brigade, and their effing dangerous! They--!"

Before Kid Zoom could finish, he....

Before Kid Zoom could finish, he suddenly realized that Black Adam wasn't supposed to appear again until page 3!

"Wait! That Black Adam who just left is an imposter!" he says.

"Mother McCrary!" exclaimed Chief O'Hara. "The boy's nuttier than Charlie here! I vote we be gettin' back to our drinkin'!"

Just then, a strange object began to materialize in the presence of our heroes.

"Look! It's one those old-timey British police boxes, like that Doctor fellow Faraway Lad's always talking about travels in!" offered SuperLance.

"No... it looks more like a... portable toilet!" exclaimed Cobalt Kid.

And, just then, out of the portable toilet steps Porta-John, traitor to the Light Brigade who uses such a device to travel through time and space!

"*Gasp!*" gasped Space Tart.

"Yes, I have returned," says Porta-John, "and am now allied with Captain Blacklight. And with me I have brought..."

...the Blackout Brigade!"

The first member steps out. It's...

Tweaked Freak! The polar opposite of Coma Girl, TF is so awake from crystal meth that his mind now operates on a separate level of realty!

"Real effin' dangerous" said Cobalt sarcastically, cuffing Kid Zoom in the back of the head.

Second there was...

Dominant Damsel, opposite number of Dormant Damsel. Clad in leather and fishnets, she held a riding crop in one hand and a cat-o'nine-tails in the other. Third was...

Flashend, the complete opposite of The Flasher. He was dressed like a kid from a prestigious boarding school. He commands the vast power of darkness and has pretty white hair like all anime villains.

Kid Zoom says, "See Emily! They are stealing our family name of Flash which is rightfully ours!"

Red Arrow shook her head, "Leonard, I don't care what Uncle Lex says. We are not getting married, I barely even know you."

"Kid Zoom is awefully slow, Red Arrow!" Flashend taunted. Kid Zoom prepared to attack but...