Thanks to the Clark and Brainy topic in the Superman and the Legion of Superheros board, I just HAD to write this fic. I suggest you listen to the song while reading it cause that makes it just all the more humorous. (yes my vocabulary has increased greatly due to Brainy's influence so please don't be disturbed by it)
If Brainy Was Gay
Brainy was sitting at his computer reading one of his favorite history files. The one on Superman. Just then, Superman walked through the door with a puzzled look on his face.
“Oh hi, Brainy.”
Brainy sighed. “Hi, Superman.”
“Hey Brainy, you'll never guess what happened to me on patrol this morning. Lightning Lad was smiling at me and talking to me.”
Brainy rolled his eyes. “That’s very interesting.”
“He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!”
Brainy looks at the ceiling and clears his throat. “So, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?”
“Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Brainy…”
“I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about Lightning Lad being gay, okay? I'm trying to read.” Brainy turned back to the screen and started reading again.
“Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Brainy. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.”
Brainy turned back around to face Superman. “I don't want to talk about it,
Superman! This conversation is over!!!”
“Yeah, but…”
“Over!!” Brainy turned back to the screen his face growing hot in embarrassment.
Superman stood up and smiled. “Well, okay, but just so you know —” Brainy turned around and raised and eyebrow at the grinning Superman. “If you were gay, that’d be okay.” Brainy turned back to the screen. “I mean ‘cause, hey, I’d like you anyway.” Brainy groaned and scrolled down the page. “Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay. (But I’m not gay)”
Brainy sighed. “Superman, please I am trying to read.” Superman walked over to Brainy’s side and began looking at him smiling. “What?!”
“If you were queer-”
“Superman!”
“I’d still be here,”
“Superman, I am trying to read.”
“Year after year,”
“SUPERMAN!”
“Because you’re dear to me.” Brainy groaned. “And I know that you…”
Brainy looked up. “What?”
“Would accept me too,”
“I would?”
“If I told you today, “Hey! Guess what, I’m gay!” (But I’m not gay)” Brainy rolled his eyes and began reading the paragraph again. “I’m happy just being with you.”
“Super-strength…Heat vision.”
“So what should it matter to me…” Brainy hesitantly looked up at Superman again. “What you do in bed with guys!”
“Superman! That is highly repulsive!”
“No it’s not! If you were gay!” Brainy groaned again. “I’d shout “Hurray!”’
“I am not listening.”
“And here I’d stay-”
Brainy then choose to do something highly out of character. “La la la la la!”
“But I wouldn’t get in your way.” Brainy jumped up from his chair and screamed. “You can count on me!” Brainy ran outside. “To always be, beside you everyday!” Brainy jumped into the air and began flying away as fast as he could. “To tell you it’s ok. You were just born that way!” Brainy knew it was pointless to try to fly away since Superman could fly faster than the speed of sound but Brainy wasn’t in a very logical mood. “And as they say, it’s in your DNA!” One of they few known facts of the original Brainiac. He was gay. “You’re gay!”
Brainy looked over his shoulder and shouted, “I AM NOT GAY!”
Superman then flew up right beside Brainy. “If you were gay.” Brainy then screamed and fainted.
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