Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business MATTER-EATER LAD: The Series!!!

PAGE 8

Panel 1

Questar: What are you doing here, good citizen! Don't you know this is the territory of the Every 6 Hours Monster! It's very dangerous!

Glad Hander: Oh! I not know that! Well very, running I'll be along!

Panel 2

Taryn: Wait a sec... what's that sticking out of his pouch there?

Panel 3

*Tenzil opens the pouch and pulls out a syringe like the one they found before*

Tenzil: Hmm... how do you explain this?

Glad Hander: Over game is, guess I! Newest batch of monster stimulant not working anyway. Spell end of big holo-show if no monster!

Panel 4

Tenzil: Huh?

Taryn: Are you saying that you've been artifically stimulating the monster so that it comes out to attack every six hours?

Panel 5

Glad Hander: Bring great hero to Zentor to fight monster! Make holo-show big!

Tenzil: 'Star, did you know anything about this?

Questar (perplexed): I don't understand. I've been helping these people. I'm their hero. They've been very grateful.

Panel 6

Noyd: Grateful for the profits you've been raking in, man! To them you're just a money-making tool!

PAGE 9

Panel 1

Questar: *gasp!* Glad Hander!! Is what he's saying true?

Panel 2

Glad Hander: Lie to you will not I any longer. Love you the Zentorians indeed do, but monster attacks staged indeed are.

Panel 3

*Questar's face cracks, looks brokenhearted*

Panel 4

*turns away from Glad Hander*

Questar: Well then, Glad Hander... I bid you good day!!

Panel 5

*Questar collapses into Taryn*

Questar: Oh, TARYN...! *sob! choke!*

Taryn: What are you...!!?

Panel 6

Tenzil: HUG him, Taryn!

*Taryn looks pissed*

Panel 7

Taryn: Fine.

*Taryn hugging Questar, but rolling eyes*

PAGE 10

Panel 1

caption: The next day...

*Tenz is at the reception desk at the doctor's office*

Tenz: We're here to see Dr. Yeilek. My friend Lester Spiffany here should have an appointment!

Recptionist: Yes, go on in.

Panel 2

*Depicts Loge Yeilek examining Lester, Loge is a little dude, ala Glad Hander*

Loge: Yes, yes. Very fat indeed!

Panel 3

Tenz: Can you do anything for him, doc?

Loge: Maybe. Super-charged Kryptonian fattening is difficult business. The radiations of Zentor's orange sun affect it in unpredictable ways!

Panel 4

*Loge continues examination, while Tenz and Taryn chat*

Tenz: Strange. He doesn't talk nearly as funny as that Glad Hander fellow does.

Taryn: All I know, is that the sooner we get off this crazy planet, the happier I'm going to be.

Panel 5

Tenz: Oh? But you've picked up your own little admirer!

Taryn: Please do NOT mention him. This is the first hour I've had away from that dork since he discovered the truth about the monsters. If I hadn't convinced him that he better keep a look out in case the Every Month Monster shows up, he'd be here salivating over me now.

Panel 6

*Loge walks over to Tenzil and Taryn, Tiffany is listening in the background*

Loge: Nope. Nothing I can do for him.

Panel 7

*Tiffany leans into the doctor, her breasts down near his face*

Tiffany (sobbing): But, doctor! You simply MUST be able to help him! He's my darling brother! But... look at him!

PAGE 11

Panel 1

Tiffany: I mean... being this size certainly can't be good for his health, can it?

Dr. Loge: Certainly not. Very bad for his overall health. Heart straining, lungs straining, bowels straining.

Panel 2

Tenzil: Eeeeew!

Tiffany: OH! My poor brother!

Panel 3

Dr. Loge: Chin up, off-worlders! Big hope for cure lies in alternative medicine practice of my colleague on Hippie Planet!

Tenzil: "Hippie Planet"? Sounds groovy.

Panel 4

Dr. Loge: Will set you up an appointment. Some not believe in helpfulness of mist-huffing, but Avatandan Doctor has helped many.

Panel 5

Tenzil: Well, we certainly appreciate the referral... but our ship was destroyed by the Every 10 Years Monster and I'm afraid Lester is going to have trouble fitting through a Threshold.

PAGE 12

Panel 1

Loge: Don't worry! Space-Transit to Hippie World leave in 1 hour!

Tiffany: Space-Transit? Wow! I've never ridden anything like that before!

Panel 2

caption: Soon...

Tenzil: Well, I thought it was nice of them to only charge Lester for three seats!

Panel 3

Quester: Hold up, my friends! I'm coming with you!

Taryn: Oh, grife...

Panel 4

Random Kid: Mommy! Look at the big fat man! He's scary!

Lester: Stupid kid!

Panel 5

*Onboard the ship*

Tenzil: Hope you're comfortable, Les! It's a six day flight to Avatanda!

Panel 6

*Shows Lester in obvioius discomfort, and kid throwing paper wads or something at him*

Lester: This ship is STUPID! SLOW and STUPID!

Panel 7

Questar: My friends, I can get us there faster if you like!

Panel 8

Tenzil: Thanks, but I don't know if that's such a good...

Panel 9

*Flash of light of the gang being teleported away by Questar*

PAGE 13

Panel 1

caption: We interrupt this story for the progression of the following subplot...

off-panel voice: Drura...?

Drura: Who...? Oh! It's you...

Panel 2

Drura, off-panel: ...Policy Pam.

Pam: Yep. It looks like we've got a mission. Some of Evillo's former Devil's Dozen are robbing the Last Bank of Tartarus! The gang's all waiting for you!

Panel 3

Drura: Is... is Tenzil there?

Pam: Well, of course!

Panel 4

Drura: I'll be right down.

Drura thought caption: I'll have to be very, very careful... slicker than mucous, if I don't want to arouse his suspicion.

Panel 5

caption: Subplot break over; Back to the Main Event...

*panel shows Questar, Tenz, Taryn, Tiff, Big Toes, Lester & Noyd appearing in the middle of what looks very much like a 20th-century rodeo*

Tenzil: WHat the GRIFE...!!?

PAGE 14

Panel 1

*Rider is startled by the gang's appearance and is thrown from horselike creature*

Rider: Yiiiiieeeee!

Panel 2

*Horselike creature charges Taryn and Tiffany, who scatter*

Panel 3

*Big Toes leaps on horselike creature*

Panel 4

*Try as it might, the horselike creature cannot throw Big Toes*

Panel 5

*Horselike creature continues to try and throw Big Toes*

Panel 6

*Finally, the horselike creature gives up*

Panel 7

*Rodeo Official approaches*

Rodeo Official: I reckon that's about the best dang bronco ridin' I ever did see! Tain't no one ever rid Ol' Red before!

PAGE 15

Panel 1

*the rider thrown before approaches, angry*

Rider: You strangers done messed up my ride! I would broke Ol' Red this time. I woulda!

Rodeo Official: Gol durn, Jo-Don, what makes you think this time woulda been diff'rent from the previous 115?

Panel 2

Lester: Wow-- you must really be BAD at this, Jo-Don!

Tenzil: Lester, now may not be the best time to rile the natives!

Panel 3

*Jo-Don, looking angry, pulls a glove out of pocket*

Panel 4

*Jo-Don stands in front of Tenzil*

Panel 5

*Jo-Don smacks Tenzil with the glove*

Tenzil: Yooowwwwch!

Panel 6

Jo-Don: You offend me, sir! I challenge you to a duel!

Panel 7

Tenzil: ME!!? Lester's the one with the big mouth!

Panel 8

Lester: Hey! Is that a fat joke?

Jo-Don: *to Tenz* Everything about you reeks as the leader of this band of strangers, stranger.

Panel 9

Jo-Don: Will you duel, or are you a coward?

Tenzil: *sigh!*

PAGE 16

Panel 1

Tenzil: Look, we don't want any trouble. If you could just please point the way to the Chief Monastery, we'd appreciate it...

Jo-Don: Monastery?

Panel 2

Taryn: Tenz, I don't think we're actually on Avatanda.

Jo-Don: Avatanda? Is that where you boys is from? Hear that fellas? We gots ourselve a bunch a got-danged hippies here! And they's so doped up, they don't even realize they're on the wrong planet!

Panel 3

Tenzil: Look... just what planet are we on?

Jo-Don: You's on Sexat now, boys.

Panel 4

Lester: *giggle*

Jo-Don: Somethin' funny, boy?

Panel 5

Lester: I was just, *chuckle*, wondering, "Where's the sex at?"

Another Cowboy: Are you makin' fun of our planet?

Panel 6

*Various cowboys approach the gang menacngly*

Noyd: Hey, man, chill out...

Questar: Look, I am Questar, hero to billions and star of the Questar holo-network...

Panel 7

Jo-Don: Yup, they're a bunch of got-danged, free love hippies...

Tenzil: Look, we'll do whatever you say. We really aren't looking for trouble.

Panel 8

Jo-Dun: Well, I'm afraid you've already found trouble, metro-slicker! 'Cause you and me's gonna face-off tomorrow at High Noon!

Tiffany: *gasp*!

Panel 9

Jo-Dun: Fellas! Show our "guests" to the bunkhouse, and make sure they don't sneak out in the night or somethin'!

PAGE 17

Panel 1

Jo-Don: You wimminfolk'll be coming back to camp with me and my boys. No way fillies as purdy as ya'll are getting locked up with these weirdo hippie freaks. Not when you got REAL men around.

Panel 2

Tiffany: What's a "fillie"? Is it cute?

Taryn: Enough's enough.

Panel 3

*Taryn lifts Jo-Don into the air by his shirt*

Jo-Don: WHUT the...!

Panel 4

Taryn: We "fillies" shall go along with our friends, Jo-Don. Like Mama always said, "Stand By Your Man". Understood?

Jo-Don: Yes'm!

Panel 5

*sets Jo-Don down*

Taryn: Good.

Panel 6

Jo-Don: Go, on then! Git! Move that ass, big'un!

Lester: Quit SHOVING me, you stupid space-redneck!

Panel 7

Tenzil: And I'M the one who gets frelling slapped with a dueling glove!

Plant Lad: What can I say, Senator-- you da man.

Panel 8

Jo-Don: "Senator!!" Hear that, boys-- not only is Shades a sexually deviant metro-slicker-- he's a POLITICIAN too!

Panel 9

Various cowboys: BOOOO!

Questar: Gee! I've always been rather fond of politicians myself.

PAGE 18

Panel 1

caption: Before long...

*Outside the "bunkhouse", several cowboys are erecting a device*

Cowboy: I reckon this force-fence'll keep 'em in!

Panel 2

*inside the bunkhouse*

Taryn (looking out the window): It looks like they're setting up some kind of force-shield to prevent us from escaping.

Noyd: That just ain't cool!

Panel 3

Tiffany: Oh, Tenzil! I'm so worried! You just can't go out and face that Jo-Dun tomorrow! What if he kills you?

Tenzil: Oh, I wouldn't worry to much about it, Tiff. Everything will be okay.

Panel 4

Questar: My friends! My teleportation powers can get us out of this situation easily!

Lester: And wind up in open space again? It was your stupid teleportation powers that got us here in the first place!

Panel 5

Questar: Well, I admit, I'm not always 100%accurate, but...

Taryn: I think we should save Questar's power for... emergency uses. Let's see if anything else occurs to us.

Panel 6

Noyd: Can't you pull that trick like you did in the Super-Stalag, where you eat your way out through the ground?

Questar: My powers allow me to sense that the energies of the force shield extend below us as well.

PAGE 19

Panel 1

Lester: Well, well, well. You seem to have a power for all occasions. Do you have Super-Lameness-Eradicating powers too? If so, you should use them... on yourself.

Panel 2

Questar: But I'm not lame. My legs are sturdy and strong.

Lester: Arrrrrrrrgh!!!

Panel 3

Tiffany: Calm down, brother dear. Your bowels...!

Lester: My bowels are just fine, thanks, Tiffany.

Panel 4

Plant Lad: Why am I even here?

Tenzil: Some of the readers are probably wondering that also, Noyd.

Plant Lad: Huh?

Panel 5

Taryn: Pay him no attention, Noyd. Sometimes he gets weird like this.

Plant Lad: Whatever. I'm skinny again, and I didn't sign on to fight giant monsters and hillbilly space-country-music fans. I'm a ROCKER, man!

Panel 6

*Tiffany leans forward, her breasts brushing upon Noyd's arm*

Tiffany: Oh, Mr. Noyd! Please stay and help Tenzil and my brother! After all... they helped you.

Panel 7

Plant Lad: Well... ummm... it's not like I have anything waiting for me on Simballi. I'm a pariah twice over there.

Panel 8

Tiffany: And here, you're loved!

Plant Lad: Loved? Cool!

Panel 9

Tenzil: Look gang, I'm a little tense... I think I need some peace and quiet to think a bit.

Taryn: We're ALL tense. Maybe we should try to get a little rest.

PAGE 20

Panel 1

*Taryn is preparing a bed*

Questar: Uh... Miss Taryn, ma'am? Would you mind if I... uh... if you don't care... uh... slept with you?

Taryn: WHAT!?

Panel 2

Questar: I assure you my intentions are completely honorable! I mean, maybe we could just snuggle and stuff. We're in a pretty dangerous situation, maybe I could... um... protect you?

Panel 3

Taryn: Look, Questar, you're a nice guy... but I think you're... rushing things a bit. Tiffany and I will be bunking together. I think we'll be perfectly okay. Okay?

Panel 4

Questar (disappointed): Well, uh... sure. I'll just be... uh... right over there in the next room if you need anything.

Panel 5

Taryn (laying back in bed): *Sigh!* What next?

Panel 6

*Shows Taryn and Tiff in bed asleep*

PAGE 21

Panel 1

*a loud alarm sounds, startline evryone awake*

Panel 2

*Jo-Don enters*

Jo-Don: High Noon, strangers! It's dueling time! Now GIT UP! Git!

Panel 3

Tenzil: High noon...? It's still dark outside.

Jo-Don: Shut yer metro-slicker MOUTH, politcian! Maybe you senator-type hippies have high noon during the daylight on your dope planet, but here on Sexat, things're diff'rent. Things're as they OUGHT ta be!

Panel 4

Tenzil: SO there's no way to avoid a violent duel, huh?

J-Don: Violence? Are you ig'nert? We're going toe-to-toe... at a chilli-cookoff! YaHOOO!

Panel 5

Tenzil: Chilli coo... you mean you folks duel by cooking chilli?

Jo-Don: What, they do it diff'rent on the hippie planet?

Panel 6

Tenzil: No, no... that's how we do it too. But, ummm... I'm going to require certain ingredients.

Panel 7

Jo-Don: Whelp, there's nothing in the rule books that says yer pals here can't fetch whut you need, but YOU stay here until the duelin's done.

Panel 8

*the gang huddles*

Taryn: Chilli cookoff?
You're doomed!

Tenzil: Have a little faith, Taryn!

Panel 9

Questar: What ingredients will you requre, Tenzil?

Tenzil: Well, the first thing I'll need is the print from an enchanted shoe.

PAGE 22

*Big Splash Page, parodying the cover of Adventure #352*

caption: Soon...

Tenzil: Okay, gang! To space-stores! Search the planet! Find the Fatal Five herbs and spices... or Grandma Kem's chilli recipe dies!

TITLE AND CREDITS ALONG BOTTOM OF PAGE

*"The Space-Rodeo... of Death!"*

Crap! We skipped Page 5!

WHAT!!!

Okay, I got an idea...

THE REAL PAGE 22

Panel 1

caption: meanwhile, on Tartarus...

*Tenzil (?) is ducking a swing from SwaNiiK*

Stick With A Nail in it Kid: Free Evillo! Free Evillo!

Tenzil (?): Moron!

Panel 2

Sugyn: Give it up, Tess... I don't want to hurt you with this geyser...!

Panel 3

Lotus Fruit Lass: Nor SHALL you, oaf! Not once you taste the power of Lotus Fruit Lass!

Panel 4

Pam: Look out! Sugyn's geyser is going haywire!

*a stray stream has hit Brittle Boy, shattering him*

Panel 5

*a stray stream hits Tenzil (?); sound of electronics shorting out is heard*

Tenzil (?): NoooOOOOooo!!!

Panel 6

Pam, Chet & Spaceopoly Lad: *gasp!!*

Panel 7

Incredible Girl, Sugyn & pieces of Brittle Boy: *gasp!!*

Panel 8

Drura: No... I.. I didn't want to believe it... How... how COULD you...

Panel 9

*"Tenzil" stands revelaed...*

Drura, off-panel:... RENKIL KEM!!!?!?

To be continued? You KNOW it, true-believer!

Oh yeah! I think that was worth it!

MATTER-EATER LAD # 14

Page 1

*full-page splash; featuring Tenzil stirring a cauldron while Taryn, Lester, Tiff, Big Toes, Questar & Plant Lad cheer him on*

Taryn: COOK, Tenzil, cook! Your chili has to taste better than the chili of these space-rednecks, or WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!!

caption: Can you measure a hero in chili powder and cumin, gentle reader? There are those who say you can! And we, the writers of MEL:TS, firmly agree with them and think the rest of you are stupid for disagreeing!

For in this tale of tragedy and triumph, Bismollian Senator Tenzil Kem has found himself engaged in a duel for his honor, and duel for his life... a duel that will come to be known as "The Super-Chili Cookoff... of Space! And DEATH!!"

And just what ingredients are used in Bismollian chili? Good question... turn the page and let's find out together!

(What's that, Eryk? Oh, okay.) Eryk says he doesn't think you are stupid for disagreeing with him. What a brown-noser! Anyhoo, quit reading this & turn the page, stupid!

PAGE 2

Panel 1

caption: 15 years earlier...

*The Kem family are in their hovercar*

Young Tenzil: Are we there yet? I can't wait!

Ma Kem (handing Tenz a toy): We'll be there soon enough, Tenz! Here... play with Mr. Jenkies until we get there!

Panel 2

*Young Renkil grabs Mr. Jenkies from Tenzil and bites his head off*

Tenzil: Mommy! Renkil's eating Mr. Jenkies!

Panel 3

Pa Kem: Pipe down back there! You need to learn to share your toys with Renkil, boy, on account of I can't afford to buy toys for the both of ya!

Panel 4

*Tenzil mopes in the back seat as Renkil consumes the rest of Mr. Jenkies*

Panel 5

*The Kem's arrive at their destination, a quaint but friendly looking little house in the country; Tenz is the first out of the car running to meet a sweet elderly lady standing in front of the house*

Tenz: Grandma!

Panel 6

*As the rest of the family gets out of the car, Tenz is hugging Grandma Kem*

Grandma Kem: Tenzil! It's good to see you! Why, you're just in time to help me make my super-secret chilli recipe!

Tenzil: Yay!

PAGE 3

Panel 1

*Granny Kem & li'l Tenz in kitchen*

Granny: ...and with just a little tweak of the ingredients, this type of chili can make a humanoid sentient comatose for 6 hours!

Tenzil: WOW, Grandma! You sure do know a lot about chili!

Panel 2

Granny: And now, so do you.

Tenzil: Which kind of chili are we having, Grandma? The coma-chili? The truth-serum chili? Or one of those other kinds?

Panel 3

*Granny rustling his hair*

Granny: You little scamp! We're going to have good old-fashioned Bismollian No-Alarm chili tonight! Those other recipes I only used during my days with the Bismoll Vice. But remember, Tenzil... those recipes are OUR secret. OUR secret...

Panel 4

*panel is nothing but smoke*

caption: ...OUR secret...

Panel 5

*smoke has cleared, revealing Tenzil stirring a cauldron*

Tenzil: Our... secret...

PAGE 4

*Scene pulls back and you can see more of the gang surrounding Tenzil*

Tenzil: Our... secret...

Noyd: You okay, man? You kind of spaced out there for a second!

Panel 2

Tenzil: Sorry, I was just having a clever and heartwarming flashback! Now, as I was saying, I need you guys to recover the five secret ingredients I need for the chili.

Panel 3

Tenzil: I have written each of the ingredients to Grandma Kem's special "fatal" chili on one of these pieces of paper. Now go! To the super-markets of space! Find the fatal five ingredients!

Panel 4

Questar: So... shall we work together on this noble quest, oh beauteous one?

Taryn: *Sigh*, I guess so.

Panel 5

*Shows the gang each going their separate ways (Taryn teamed with Questar; Lester, Tiffany, Noyd, and Big Toes each by themselves)

PAGE 5

Panel 1

caption: LESTER SPIFFANY

Lester thought caption: I guess this is technically all my fault, because everyone's trying to help me get de-fatassed, but this still SUCKS!

Panel 2

*Lester approaching Western-ish general store*

Lester caption: At least I've sort-of gotten used to this new frame of mine... I can get around better...

Panel 3

*Lester struggles to get through door*

Lester caption: STUPID!!

Panel 4

*approaches counter*

Lester caption: That Questar is cute, but what a DRIP! I'm glad he seems to like Taryn and not me! Plant Lad's real cute, but those weird tattoos freak me out! Plus Daddy would just DIE if I brought home a rebel space-rocker!

Panel 5

*standing at counter*

Lester caption: I hate to admit it, but that Jo-Don is SO handsome... GOD, I love skinny-assed cowboys...! *dreamy sigh*

Elderly cowboy clerk: C'n ah help ya, Tubby?

Panel 6

Lester caption: No time to think about hunks right now, though... I've got a mission!

Lester: Yes. I'm looking for a lock of Magician's hair, please. What aisle might I find that on?