Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business The Rising Darkness (OneVision)

Throughout Legion World and the LMBP, which are in reality separate entities even if the demarcation line is a little vague sometimes, (Okay, all the time) there has been a long standing and often heatedly debated dispute over the identity of the single most powerful member of the LMBP.

There is no dispute over the identity of the most powerful Magic User in the LMBP. STU, he of the 7412 possible incarnations ranging from STUAmoeba to STUChiaelephant, wins that title hands down.

Well he did until yesterday…

STU-Barbie woke with an incredibly horrid taste in his mouth and a skull splitting headache. “So, this is what a hangover feels like,” he thought wryly as he lay on his back, eyes tightly shut (Light Hurt!), and concentrated on flushing the overabundance of toxins from his system. Movement proved impossible for a moment. Any muscle twitch brought new waves of pain, even breathing proved difficult as an unaccustomed weight pressed down on his chest. Soon the pain level in his head dropped from excruciating to merely unbearable and he attempted to rise and stagger from his fabulously luxurious emperor-sized bed to his equally fabulous marble and platinum master bathroom. He made the journey with only two re-starts and a short rest break halfway. Once inside he sat down heavily, placed his elbows on his knees, and his forehead in his hands, then completed the process of removing the toxins from his body.

That was when the realization set in, slowly, as the toxins drained and mental acuteness returned…

A pair of soft, yet firm, mounds pressed against his inner arms. His butt no longer fit exactly into the depressions worn by years of use into the custom built, heated and padded, commode seat. And, worst of all, the refreshing coolness he expected to feel as a certain portion of his anatomy dangled against cool porcelain was unaccountably absent.

For reasons that are entirely too obscure and arcane for most mortals to even begin to understand, STU’s transformations are a phenomenon governed by several immutable laws of magic. The first and foremost of those laws limits his transformations in one area and one area only; STU is always male. (Even in his earliest incarnations –STUAmoeba, STUBacteria, and STUCommonColdVirus– he was a male version of those normally androgynous life forms, look it’s magic, making sense to us is not one of the laws!)

As the combination of Alcohol and Catnip by-products which had befuddles his brain was flushed from his body, and the memories of the previous night’s revelry at SHAKES returned, a grim realization forced its way into his still throbbing head. He’d bypassed his normal method of transformation (simply activating the magic by verbal command, such as “STUPuppy” or “STULightningBeast”) in favor of using the STU-Girl potion. Well to be painfully honest, he’d never really intended to use the potion on himself. The potion was really there for the purpose of “Plausible Deniability.” It would and obviously did, transform him into a girl, but he’d brought it along simply as a prop in his centuries old conflict with Stoopid Cat. His intention was to pretend to use the potion on himself and create the impenetrable illusion of himself as a girl, magically, while dumping the STY-Girl potion into Stoopid cat’s bowl. The STY-Girl potion would have transformed Stoopid Cat into a stunningly filthy and bedraggled female version of himself.

But, fate had intervened, in the form of Abin’s clumsiness, and he wound up actually drinking the STU-Girl potion.

Oh, he’d put the best spin on it that he could, but deep inside he’d known the magnitude of his error and the combination of fear and disappointment had led to a rare actual night of binge drinking (normally three quarters of the alcohol he appears to drink is non-alcoholic) and the abandonment of his plan to “boobie-trap” Stoopid Cat. His sole hope for redemption lay in the fact that both potions were designed to wear off after twelve hours.

After about fifteen minutes and several commode flushes (the smell was horrific) he felt human enough to attempt a shower. Not surprisingly the short walk across the master bathroom proved to be difficult. His (he refused to think in the opposite gender) balance was off, his legs were the wrong length, his hair seemed to weigh ten pounds, and certain spectacular portions of his anatomy jiggled uncontrollably with each movement, but in short order he stood under the rainfall nozzle and began to enjoy the sensation of warm water flowing over his body.

“Wash Me.” The magical command activated the water sprites that lived in his shower. Soft female hands began soaping his body. Too late he remembered just how playful those sprites could be.

Soft giggles floated in the air around him and sultry voices began to whisper in his ear, “Oh… Look… New Toys…”

Abin smiled at the candy striper on receptionist duty outside of Doc One’s office. The good doctor never saw the need to hire a secretary/receptionist for his office on the 1st floor of the Medicus One Building. His staff saw a need to provide him with a layer of insulation from random intrusion on his valuable time and arranged things so that there was always someone in position to prevent entry to his office.

That strategy didn’t seem to be working well on this morning…

“Go right in, Mr. Quank.” The young man in Training Nurse’s clothing said with an air of exasperation, “I suspect the party won’t start until you’re added to the mix.” Inside it seemed like half of the active membership of the LMBP was gathered.

Kid Cobalt latched onto Abin’s arm before he could do more than give the room a quick glance. “Abin,” She said with quiet urgency, “You’re a tough guy to find sometimes. Look, Pagan asked me to relay a message, and well, we need your help with…”

“Perhaps, young lady, you should conduct security office business, in the Security Office?” Tamper Lad interjected, “This meeting was called to discuss a recent scientific discovery, so I don’t understand why you’re even here…”

“I could make the same comment about you, Tamper.” Reboot’s voice came from a floating holo-screen. “Abin, how long have you known of the “Puckered Sphincter’s” existence? And why didn’t you ever mention it?”

“I’ve known about it all my life, I guess. And it never occurred to me that nobody else on Legion World knew it existed…”

“And that my friends goes a long way towards explaining the predicament we find ourselves in today.” Doc One’s voice silenced the room as he moved out from behind his desk and began arranging a series of holo-displays. “Our young friend Invisible Brainiac stumbled across this spatial phenomena a few days ago, and Tamper Lad late last night identified the energy emissions it radiates as the “Annoyance Force” which is the source of Abin’s ability to cause super-annoyances.”

“Okay, we’ve discovered why Abin is such a prat…” Num-el’s voice carried throughout the room, “But we’ve been living with that fact for years now, why is it all of a sudden, a predicament?”

“Actually, the predicament has very little to do with Abin, but a lot to do with the source of Abin’s powers, the “Puckered Sphincter.””

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This is great Chuckles, your unique take on LWer's characters is great especially Everyday Girl, the mystery of the rogue Abin-in-a-black-cloak and the suspenseful lead up to the the Elphantine Emperors imminent attack. 30 tons of frozen reindeer guano dropped on a villain is the most original way I've read to stop them - and it made me literally laugh out loud - classic stuff! My favourite part though is learning that your annoyance abilities are actually a Cosmic Force - hilarious!

If you want your Onevision to remain pristine I'll delete this post but I had to let you know how much I enjoyed this.

to all at Quank Villa

Bxx