Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business Critic's Corner (post here about any fanart or fanfic)

Shuuuutt iitttt. *evil glare*

XD

Thanks Emily, I'll take a look as soon as I have the time!

>Sips XL Coffee<

"You seem a little on edge dear..."

Who? Me? Never.

>pours a cup<

"Here...have some decaf."

With lots and lots of milk. And no sugar.

Just read it, Em... I'm one of those "Trade-Waiters."


First off, congratulations on finishing it! There is always so much good stuff going on in Bits, and I know at times it takes a while for folks to catch up, but never let that discourage you from going at your own pace. In the end, you have to write what makes you happy, and everything else is just gravy.

So, as with your earlier "Raltvee" story, again, the two strengths that really come through in your writing for me are your original character creations, and your cultural descriptions. The "Sivana-verse" section of the extended LMB world is always interesting to read about because you bring a new perspective to an already existing world.

Of your characters, the ones that I tend to prefer are the completely original creations, like the Factorer and Vole Girl in this story, more so than the ones that are derived from existing properties like Kristoff and Albrecht. They just feel more authentic and really more the product of your own voice. On the cultural description front, as I say, this is the part of your writing that really shines for me. The sights, sounds, and smells that you interject into things like the "Spectra Valley" sequence are really superb.

If I could offer one constructive bit of criticism, it would be that your stories could probably benefit from a little more editing for narrative flow. Sometimes I notice your tenses shift, or there will be a sudden shift in perspective that is a bit jarring, and really takes me out of the flow. But that's more technical stuff and will come more naturally the more you write.

As a final note (and for any other LMBers who read Em's story), I loved the little Easter eggs. I know we're all being bums lately with Time War, but Em's still keeping the flame alive with references to Cobie's Time Boy saga (nice bits with Dr. Wells and "Cavor") as well as the introduction of the 100 year hence character, Natalie Sivana.

Great stuff, Em, and congrats!

I guess a lot of people like the trade paperback format, as the views have dramatically increased. I am really happy that it is finished so I can move on to other projects. I have so many ideas that I want to write about. I kind of wish we had objects where we can place thoughts, like in Harry Potter.

Albrecht's character is how I originally wrote Question Lad. If you read the posts featuring him during the Red Bee stuff, he has the same level of anger. I might still unconsciously write them similar. Do the two of them seem identical to you?

In retrospective, I should I have done more editing early on. When I was in college I often wrote multiple drafts of a paper to get it as good as possible, so I might have to revert to that in future collaborative work. Next time I will choose one perspective to write from. It was very difficult to juggle the subplots because I split up the group early on. Thank you for your criticism and I look forward to hearing more reviews.

Hey Em, your story is a lot of fun! I'm not up on the LMB Time War plots so sorry the easter eggs passed me by.

That aside it was really obvious that you researched modern day Romania - by all accounts it is a startlingly beautiful country, and St Petersburg at the time of Catherine the great, and your research paid off as those parts really shone to me.

Factorer has a bit of growth to do - you captured his naivety well, trusting that rogue Vole Girl. I couldn't help but think of Squirrel Girl from the West Coast Avengers every time she summoned rodents which made me smile.

You have also really grown in your descriptive skills, from the countryside to the main characters thoughts and emotions. All very good.

As Ex said above there were a few points were the writing went from past to present tense in one sentence. Don't worry too much about that though as we all do it and you can edit them at your leisure.

I have to disagree with Ex though about Kristoff as he leapt off the screen, at least for me, character-wise. You have an obvious affection for him. Good stuff. Am looking forward to seeing where you take the group from here.

Thank you btw for your kind words on my Legion World fanfic - like you I used to hate writing action scenes (I don't think the original Leg 35C story had any really) but as I did it I realised that it's quite fun to do. Give it a try Em and see what you come up with.

Also just read Razsolo's latest installment of Legion Lost. It's a mystery where the majority of the Legion have been sent by the Infinity Man but I'm sure Raz has some fun plans in store.

Thoroughly recommend Raz's work to anyone who hasn't read any of his work yet.

Dusting off the LEgion (post zero hour 5YL) project that I started. Going to be updating soon and getting that thing moving forward again.

Eagerly anticipating that, Dev! Would love to see you work your magic on the Post Zero Hour Legion.

I started it a while ago. It entails what happens after the Time Trapper makes the Legion vanish during Zero Hour. What happens in that reality?

I remember now Dev! I even commented on it. Love the cast you're building.

Hi everyone! Boring real life dramas have prevented me getting online as much as I'd like so sorry for not posting more postlo3w stuff! Next instalment should be up before the end of the week though, yay!

Yay! Looking forward, raz!

I have started writing a fictional story and would appreciate an editor. My biggest problem in writing fiction (as evidenced by my first stories here) is finishing what I start.

I think most of us have that problem, Emily I find it fairly easy to map out a generic plotline, and to move the story forward post by post, but it's tying in the little details together and actually putting my thoughts into writing that's tough for me. Writing requires a lot of time and energy.

I don't have the time to be your full-time editor, but I wouldn't commenting on your story once you do post it.

Oh, I have been working on something that I might want to publish. I could write another LMB story, but we're stuck in the Time War so it would have to be set on Question Lad's homeworld.

Why not? Question Lad's homeworld is pretty interesting and Question Lad himself seems to have a very interesting backstory.

"A Week in Court" is a Question Lad story, as discussed above. I have decided to try to post new content every Tuesday and Saturday. I might use Wednesdays to answer fan-mail. The story is in its rising action phase, so this is a perfect time to jump in.

Thanks for the invite, Emily I'll definitely be reading it (I love Question Lad, he's a wonderful character) though sadly I don't have the time to take part in writing or anything. I'm sure it'll make a great Onevision from you!

If anyone has characters they would like to participate in the climax, please let me know. It will be full of adventure and excitement.

I have finished "A Week at Court". My mind so active that I am already thinking about the next project. The real question is: what would make the best anti-LMB? Would it be a parody of something like the Legion of Assassins? Or a group of mostly non-powered characters? Or even a group of villains?

Recently I found myself writing a Onevision about Cobalt Kid called "247 Acres and the Riverbed". I’m not really sure how I feel about it…I just kind of started writing it and saw it to its end. Usually that not how I write things, as I tend to do a lot of planning in advance and almost always know how my stories will end. I figured I’d try something else this time. Not really sure what to make of it, other than it was a lot of fun to write.

I’ll post half today and the other half next week.

It stars Cobalt Kid and a character some other LMB authors might recognize: Zhiya. She’s been hinted at and referenced before but this version of her has never been seen.

It's not in Bits, but I also encourage you all to read rick's stories, including his new short story with kickass agent Luther Fawkes and a very interesting waitress!