Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board STU's Mansion.

[STU clears his throat. Apparently, the crowd is screaming and thronging about in a frenzy -- obviously out of sheer adoration for his Imperial Majesty. STU waits a few moments for the hysteria to subside before beginning his announcement...]

*YAWN!* [crickets chirping, looks at watch] *YAWN!*

Gree--

[STU waits for the applause and cheers of adoration to subside. It takes several minutes.]

Greetings, sentients of--

[Once again, there is an outpouring of applause and cheering. STU again waits for things to quiet down.]

Greetings, sentients of Legion World! (Please, no more adoration... for now!)

Tonight, I have not one, but TWO announcements. Good news -- and even better news!

Before I begin, I want to thank all of you for trusting and believing in me. I know that there have recently been some disturbances by a very small, but vocal faction of citizens who have, shall we say, lost touch with reality. And, sadly, they have resorted to threats and violence in an effort to topple your rightfully elected Leader for Life. (Shame! Shame!)

I want to assure you that these renegade elements are fully under control. Have no fear for your safety, my loyal Legion Worlders! Your beloved Leader (for Life!) will let no harm befall you.

Okay, now that that's been said... on to the first part of the announcement...

First, the good news:

For the good of Legion World, I have decided to raise taxes even more! This means that there will be more funds for public works, for the arts, and for the general enjoyment and well-being of all LW citizens!

Now, since we don't deal with actual money, the taxes will be in the form of posts, to be remitted to the post count of yours truly, your much-beloved Leader for Life.

Here is the tax assessment schedule:

Use of smiley/graemlin = tax of 5 posts per smiley/graemlin used

Contributing to Guess Who = tax of 10 posts per guess

Contributing to a trivia thread = tax of 20 posts per guess or question

Adding fanfic/art to Bits = tax of 50 posts per submission

Innuendo = tax of 70 posts each

Flirting = tax of 100 posts each

Discussing the Legion or any characters or scenarios thereof = tax of 250 posts

Slandering the good name of his Imperial Majesty, STU = tax of 500 posts, plus "community service"

I'm sure this new tax scheme will meet with all the admiration it so richly deserves!

(Stepping up to the microphone, as STU places his arm around her waist)

I'm gonna get you naked by the end of this... wait, is this thing still on?

Oh... uhm... ahem...

I fully support the levies STU will bring and beseech all Legion Worlders to get behind the new tax plan as well! We must SWELL the coffers... (pauses to look at STU seductively) in order to create a government upon which we can pe proud!!!

Ah, tax this!

[STU looks with pride and love at Winema, then gives her a long, smoldering kiss.]

It is appropriate that the lovely Winema is at my side, because the second part of my announcement -- the even better news -- concerns her!

As you all may know, Winema and I have been madly, deeply in love for so, so long... well, since last night. But that night of passion we shared stretched into an eternity of carnal bliss!

And today, it is with great joy and rising excitement that I announce...

...that Winema and I are engaged, and will soon wed!

That's right, Winema shall be your much-beloved Queen for Life, and shall rule nobly and justly at my side!

[STU gives Winema another long, steamy kiss.]

Do you have anything you'd like to add, my smokin' hottie?

Yeah, show us your tits Winema!

I'm going for a drink.

It gives me GREAT honor to accept your proposal of engagement, my love.

(Kisses STU long and passionately, then glances over at Lightning Lad)

Now it's time to show you all what you've been waiting for... the TRUE power behind the throne!

(Reaches down and RIPS OFF STU's prominent metal codpiece, displaying a large piercing in the shape of a starburst, covering, oh, maybe 1/3 of what's down there)

DANCE for us, my darling! And all of you commoners, KNEEL before the POWER of STU! (And Winema!)

So it's a small starburst????

Not from where I'm standing, honey.

I believe what you're referring to is just one ray of the starburst.

[STU adjusts self...]

There, that's the whole thing... it's probably, oh, five inches or so in diameter.

*Suddenly a rotten tomato flies through the air and splatters across STUs exposed weenie. Three more follow in quick sucession hitting Winema fully in the face and going some way to making her look markedly more attractive. A significant portion of the crowd cheers and turns to look at Lucien Lad, dressed from head to toe in fetching blue camoflage gear (OK so it's not terribly effective as camoflage but it's just too cute for words) and carrying a large bag of rotten tomatos*

What? What!?!! I'm just hear listening to this thrilling announcement. I didn't throw anything. These are for when we get a bit peckish later. The ones that hit those two nonces on the blacony were thrown by a mysterious figure that rushed off straight after he threw them and dissappeared. It wasn't me. There is no Resistance. It's secret. Shhh.

*another four tomatos quickly follow and hit STU and his tart... uh, Queen*

What? Still wasn't me. Honest.

[STU wakes up and walks over to the window. Bevis and others are outside, throwing tomatoes and yelling invectives at thin air.]

How odd! Winema and I retired to our bedchamber hours ago. Can they really believe that we're still standing out on the podium now...?

(This supports even more the idea that there is some mass illusion being cast over the people of LW that is causing them to behave erratically... something must be done about this dire and widespread problem...)

IMPORTANT STATEMENT

We of the STU administration deeply regret the shocking incident that occurred last night during our very important announcement.

Although there was supposed to be a costume reveal, it was not our intention that things go that far. In fact, the problem was due entirely to an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction. That codpiece was manufactured by cheap, undependable labor on an inferior message board (we think you know which one we're referring to).

Had the costume piece in question been manufactured here on Legion World, there would have been no such incident.

The regrettable outcome of this incident only reinforces a point this august administration has been making all along:

Be a patriot -- support Legion World (and STU)!

*another tomato hits STU full in the face*

Look, I've not been throwing tomatos at all. It was someone else trying to undermine you and grab the reins of power.

Oooh, in fact I think I might have some important information about that. The person who actually threw the tomatos, since it wasn't me honest, suddenly appeared from nowhere behind me, chucked a tomato and then disappeared again. Say, almost like they *phased* in and out of the crowd. Maybe, just maybe, there's someone within your inner circle (like really, really close. like inimately. Like, you know, someone who you're having carnal knowledge with. Like someone with no dress sense or panache whatsoever. Possibly with the initials WW. Am I making myself clear here?) who is trying to undermine your authority with the populace so they can topple you from power and take control themselves once they manouver themselves into a position where they could, ooh I dunno, expose your privates to the barely disguised sniggers of the Legion Worlders. I mean, it's only a conspiracy theory but you know what they say, there's no smoke without fire.

Speaking of smoke and fire I think possibly someone has set fire to your balcony STU. But it wasn't me, honest. This box of matches and firelighters just so happens to be in my possesion because it's nearly bonfire night. In ten months. But you can never be too prepared.

Heh heh, don't you just love the power of propoganda. You can spread disent without even trying. Mwahahahahaa!!!

Umm. Ignore that last bit. I was just, you know, conjecturing and stuff. Not trying to drive a wedge between STU and that shameless hussy by his side. Nuh-uh, not I. I'm innocent and pure and not a Resistance fighter at all.

Hot damn I'm good at this.

I feel personally injured by that shameless, tasteless display, and on behalf of the citizens of Legion World, I plan to file a class action suit against everyone involved. Damages will not be in excess of the total wages earned by the Stu Administration for the past three years.

I wish you both luck in your union.

Oh, and Winenema dear, make sure this is what you want. After all, you don't even command a fraction of the power that I have, and I was forced to reshape the entire universe to retcon MY union with Stu out of continuity...

Congratulations!

Geez STU, I wish you had consulted with me before you made this announcement.

I have gone over the by-laws of Legion World and the Leader does not have the authority to impose any tax, fee, duty, levy, or garnishment of any type.

Such tax, fee, duty, levy, or garnishment must first be approved by the Finance, Expeditures, and Flirting Committee at their monthly "Taxes and Beer Drinking (Hey where's my beer) Meeting". After that the proposed tax shall be typed on official Legion World stationary by Shirley when she gets back from her yearly 11 month vacation (strong union). Then the proposal is read in falsetto voice by the Leader to each Legion World Member individually. After that, a poll is posted at the Planetary Chance Machine. Then if a majority votes that Dawnstar should have been retconned into a snake, the proposal goes back to the Committee for another round of beer drinking. After which, when everyone wakes up and says "Boy was I drunk last night" and looks at each other with embarassment, the proposal is given a final resting place in the circular file.

I am surprized you don't remember that as you were one of the signers. At least I think that is your paw print smudged in the lower left hand corner.

(Still MIA)

Somebody call the FCC!

The search parties are still out looking KP (you're out the dark dimension, we just don't know where on Earth you are ). Don't give up hope

We're still looking KP, don't worry, we'll find you soon enough!

And wow, talk about a let down on the announcement. What's next, Winema making out with a STUbot?

That's old news Cobie. She's been making out with the STUbots for days. It seems they come better equiped than our fearless leader, not that that's saying much!

Hmmmmmmm ..........
methinks Winema is just rubbing Stu the wrong way.

Because that ray must be Ray Palmer ....
:-D