"Dumpster, I need your help at headquarters. Whatever you're doing on your time off, quit it and get back here before you molt again."
Dumpster sighed magnificently, causing half a flock of pigeons to goggle in awe. She spoke into the high-impact, fractured plastic de-coder ring every Legionnaire wore - whether they wanted to or not.
"I hear you, Elementary-school Lad," she answered, flinching at his shrill voice. "I'll be right there." She'd been perched on her favorite place, atop the head of an enormous statue, occasionally dive-bombing the passers-by. The sight of a human-sized winged being often as not made them run off shrieking.
'Bread crumbs and popcorn. Eeew! Is that all these old bird-watchers ever bring? And if I see one more crust of moldy bread...!'
"Dumpy! Get your tail feathers over here!" Elementary-school Lad's voice reminded her. It sounded like he'd been transmuting elements yet again, this time to helium, and had breathed in a considerable amount.
'At least it brought his voice down an octave or two,' she thought, 'that's a relief.'
She flew from the statue after leaving a momento of her latest visit, an off-white smear. Her flight was swift as that of an albatross bucking a strong headwind, graceful as that of a startled vulture, and as direct as that of a freshly decapitated chicken.
Her arrival at Legion headquarters was greeted by the customary opening of umbrelllas until she was past, then by the ritual hail of thrown rocks, and bursts of birdshot in her direction.
Headquarters, which resembled an immense toeless knee-boot, had an access custom made for her; a steep slide that looked largely like a ashoehorn. She folded her greasy wings as she settled into it, remembering too late that the downward ride ended facing the heel of the 'boot.' Her short journey came to a stop with an echoing 'splat,' a flurry of shaken-loose feathers, a bloody nose, and a series of curses that would have made a crow blush.
The first person she came across was Sauterne Girl, who was, as usual, plastered. The blonde, self-described 'shameless hussy' was slumped over a toilet, ewmitting various telepathic phrases such as 'What week of the day is this?', 'Where's Light-headed Lad when I really, really need him?', and 'Someone turn off that sprocking alarm clock.' Even her thoughts reeeked of cheap wine.
Phlatulent Girl spewed from a nearby vent, bringing with her the delightful effluvium of stagnant water mixed with rancid skunk musk. Close behind her, Barnacle 5 strode in, turning a more vivid shade of green.
"Where is that hebetudinous Team Girl?: he demanded "Her an' me was gonna share a few drinks."
"Drinks?" Sauterne Girl glanced up hopefully. "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a martini today."
"Ah,you know her - as much as any other male on the team does anyway. She's probably getting her hair bleached for...what, the ninth time today?"
Phlatulent Girl answered for Sauterne Girl, who at the moment was loudly calling "Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!" into the toilet bowl.
Dumpster agreed with Phlatulent Girl on this. Team Girl dated every last male of the Legion, was engaged to six of them, and married to at least three. It was no idle rumor that she was in serious competition for Suaterne Girl's 'shameless hussy' title and trophy.
"Where is Elementary-school Lad?" Dumpster asked. "Don't tell me he needs me to dust his furniture again. Or worse, play his game of 'Pluck the Turkey!'"
"Aw, Dumpy, I'm sure it's not that good." Mond-El told her as he paraded into view. His original name was Walt-Er, and he'd formerly chosen the alias of Saturd-El. But the insistence of Sauterne Girl, who threatened to mentally fry his brain, had forced him to change it.
He was accompanied by his arm-clinging girlfriend, Shady Lass, who was reputed to be controlling every last major illegal activity between Earth and her homewolrd of Tailback VIII.
Triplicate, Triplicate, Triplicate Girl, Girl, Girl lived down to her nickname by promptly falling over her her own shadow while entering. She was three times married; to herself, to herself, and to herself; small surprise for such a mousy-looking, squirrely-acting klutz of a girl.
"Whhere ihs Lhighting Lhass? Shhe whas suhpossed toh chhange thhe lhights ihn mhy ohverhead lhamps. Ih nheed bhigger bhulbs."
"I'll say." Mond-El replied, taking note of her extremely modest build.
Shady Lass, taking umbrage at his choice of comments, hastily enclosed him in a coffin-shaped darkfield.
"She's out with the guys,' he continued, "Really, Trippy, she took off with Congoleum Boy, Colossal Brat, and Violent."
"Bhut...bhut Vhiolent's ah ghirl!"
'You're kidding! He, er, she really is? I'd never have guessed."
Shady Lass glared in his direction. 'And to think I was this close to being planetary champion of Tailback 4 7/8. Instead I end up with a muscle-bound squaj who can't spell his own last name.'
Team Girl danced in before anyone could further react. The platinum-tressed girl waa undressed in virtually nothing, which was a great amount more than normal - and virtue was one of the last things on her mind.
"Hello, Team Girl." Sauterne Girl said, welcoming her with an upraised middle finger.
"No, no, no! I told you tomorrow I've changed my name to Steam Girl. After all, no one can heat a man's pipes faster than I can."
"You told us tomorrow>" Barnacle 5 was increduluous. "You pre-cognative flake, tomorrow hasn't come yet!"
"It hasn't?"
"Aaakgh! You're impossible!"
"You'll feel different when we're married."
"Whaaat? Again?"
"Look." Dumpster interrrupted. "Elementary-school Lad called me back here because of some problem or other. While I enjoy these warm, friendly bathroom reunions, I have to find out what he wants. Where is he?"
Barnacle 5 smirked. "Why don't you use your tracking powers to find him?"
"When I last saw him," Shady Lass added, "he was with Ultra Jock."
For the moment everyone was silent. Ultra Jock had several powers, but could use only one at a time. The one he used most often was his super-libido.
"In that case, thanks but no thanks. I'll go talk with Senseor instead. Maybe she knows what's going on."
"I( wouldn't if I were you. She's in her room, having a hissy fit." This came from Cosmetic Boy, who was just finishing applying his eye shadow, rouge, and blush. "But Elementary-school Lad told me why he wanted you. I was giving him a manicure at the time."
"You were giving him a manicure?" Steam Girl accused, outraged. "That's terrible! You were supposed to do my nails first. Do you know I actually had to do my own this morning? No wonder I'm exhausted!"
"And?" Dumpster tried to get the conversation back on track.
"Oh yeah. His feather mattress is leaking something awful, and..."
It was then that Dumpster knew beyond a doubt that her next mission had to be 'accidentally' guiding the entire team just a bit too near a super-nova.
After that? Well, there were teams that would surely need her experience. The Wanderers had a hero named Aviax who could become any type of bird...
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