Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business The Rising Darkness (OneVision)

“It don’t make no sense. Why’d you break us outta Takron-Galtos, if you was just gonna drag us here?” The speaker, a small wiry man dressed in a garish green and white suit covered in question marks cowered as he spoke. His wrists were bound with zip ties of the type used to hold garbage bags closed and his eyes darted back and forth as he tried vainly to watch both his fellow prisoner and their captor at the same time. “I mean if you’re gonna kill us I can understand that. I don’t like it… Not one little bit! But, I can understand it.”

“Just shut up Nigma.” The second prisoner snapped. “He’ll tell us what he’s gonna do when he’s ready to, ain’t that right?”

Like Nigma, the larger prisoner was garishly dressed in a red and gold outfit that made him resemble a large oddly colored insect. He leaned heavily on a makeshift wooden crutch he used to support his recently injured right knee as he brought his hands up and tugged at the thick manila rope tied snugly around his neck. Surreptitiously he stuck a needle-like fingernail into the rope and began injecting a greenish oily puss-like substance deep into the fiber.

“It won’t work Buzz; hemp is the only substance that corrosive poison of yours won’t eat through.” The third man said calmly in a low sorrowful tone. “I knew that when I tied it around your neck. I know all your secrets. I know everybody on Legion World’s secrets. I can go anywhere. I see everything. Nothing is hidden from me.”

A sudden savage jerk of the rope sent Buzz sprawling face first into the mud.

“See, you’re supposed to be this big time bad-ass villain and all I need to keep you completely under control is a simple piece of rope.”

Buzz snarled, a noise reminiscent of thousands of angry bees, and attempted to launch himself at his captor but his injured knee gave way and he again sprawled in the mud.

“If that brat,” he spat the word, “hadn’t shot me…”

An emerald green boot shot out and ended Buzz’s tirade by breaking his jaw.

“If she hadn’t shot you you’d already be dead, Buzz. I’d have been free to go after you and nobody’d have even blinked when I couldn’t capture you alive. In time, she’ll pay for that but first it’s your turn.”

Sensing that their captor’s attention was focused entirely on Buzz, Nigma began backing slowly away from the other two men. Seeing that neither was paying any attention to him he turned and began running clumsily, hampered by his bound hands and the need to dodge around the scattered gravestones. He ran about a dozen yards before an emerald green energy beam scooped him up and slammed him into the mud near a large ornate gravestone.

“You were going the way I wanted you to, so I let you run free for a few seconds. I hope you enjoyed your little taste of freedom. It’ll be your LAST!

Barely a foot behind him the black cloaked man stood staring at the ornate headstone. Laying at his feet, wrapped like a mummy from the neck down in the manila rope, was Buzz, his jaw held in place, and shut, by a glowing green energy band. Ignoring his captives for a moment, the man reached into his cloak and removed a shard of some unidentifiable material.

“She’d want you to have this, old friend, think of it as her way of continuing to watch over you.”

Green energy again formed around Nigma and he felt himself being lifted and forced into a kneeling position at the foot of the grave. From the corner of his eye he could see that Buzz had received similar treatment and now knelt next to him.

“We’re here for you two to pay your last respects…”

Everyday Girl’s shriek of joy rattled the rafters of the Quank family residence as she gathered Stoopid Cat into her arms for a quick hug, which she knew from long and painful experience, was all the fiercely independent feline would permit.

“Ohmygod! Fuzzball! I was beginning to think nobody was ever gonna like come and visit me while I’m grounded.”

“**Purr** you can put me down now, Brat. I’d love to say that this is a social visit but it isn’t. **Purr**”

“What? Ohmygod! Nothing’s happened to Gram or Gramps, cuz I’d already know.” As she spoke, her personal demons, No One and Nobody, who look like mini-me versions of Cobalt Kid and EDE, winked briefly into visibility and gave her a thumbs up signal before returning to their normal invisibility. “So, like what’s going on?”

“Somebody broke the Red Bee and the Riddler out of Takron-Galtos.”

“What? Ohmygod!” She jumped off her bed and headed for the large gun cabinet that dominated one wall of her bedroom. “Let me get a few…”

“**Yowl**”

Suddenly Stoopid cat stood directly in her path. His hair stood on end and his tail stood out like a bottle brush. The golden glow in his eyes told her he was ready to shift to his Tiger God Avatar form in an instant, should the need arise. But he was obviously holding the transformation back so she stopped and waited for his next move.

“NO! You’re to wait here! Hrun and I have been assigned to keep you safe,”

"No, that’s so not fair! I took them down before, I’ll do it again!” Wariness was replaced by total indignation as she stood, hands on hips glaring down at the black and white cat. “Gram made you do this didn’t she? Ohmygod that’s just so not right! Where’s Mr. Hrun? He’ll understand why I need to go after them.”

“Hrun be right here, Favored Daughter.”

She turned and saw the massive barbarian’s form filling the doorway to her room. His war-axe was planted firmly in front of him head down and both of his hands were planted atop the handle. His fierce glare told her he expected an argument and was prepared to deal with it.

“Hrun does understand. But Hrun has promised the fair Pagan Lass –who has sheltered and protected Favored Daughter, lo these many years– that Hrun shall keep you safe at home. AND SO HRUN SHALL!

He spun his axe once, then balanced it head up in front of him and glared over the top of it, daring her to argue with him.

“Ohmygod! Well if you two are like gonna keep me safe then the least I can do is like offer you some refreshments…”

A few moments later the trio sat comfortably in the den, Hrun quaffing a huge mug of mead while Stoopid cat daintily nibbled on fresh tuna and lapped up a large bowl of cream.

“I broke out some of your favorite catnip for later, Fuzzball, just a little, as a treat.”

“And Ohmygod, you guys don’t mind if I clean my guns while we chat do you? Like, you never know when I might need them, y’know? Just to like help you two keep me safe…”

Legion World Security Chief Cobalt Kid stared at the tactical displays lining the walls of his office and rubbed his eyes.

“Your gonna give yourself a coronary, Chief.” The gravelly voice of newly promoted Assistant Security Chief Matlock rumbled from behind him. “And them displays ain’t gonna change just ‘cause you want them to. We need to get out on the streets and start rousting their old hangouts. Five’ll get ya ten that someone in the back room at Shameless Hussies or that joint down by the river, what’s its name, the Evil Genius Club or something like that, knows where them two went.”

“You’re still thinking like a street cop, Matt. We have people checking those locations. We need to figure out how they got out of Takron-Galtos and who might have helped them.”

“Okay, so why’d you send Pagan Lass and Arachne out while you keep me huddled up with you here? I can do more good on the streets doing what I do best, than I can here.”

“I kept you here because I trust your judgment and instincts more than Pagan’s. She’s damm good but she doesn’t have your years of experience. I need that experience here where I have instant access to it.”

“That’s a load of pure horse hockey, and you know it Cobester. You sent her out cause she was making you nuts worrying about the kid. And you figured it’d keep her mind off of that little problem if you sent her to Takron-Galtos to figure out how they pulled off their escape.”

“Okay, ‘lock, you tell me how they got out of their cells and off the asteroid.” Cobie almost muttered. “How in the Pysonian Seven Hells did they pull this off?”

“I dunno… But, I do know we need to find out fast. And we need to figure out how to protect a few more people than just the kid, even if I do agree she’s likely to be their first target. I mean think about it Chief, they killed Space Ranger. There ain’t but maybe a dozen guys in this space sector, let alone on Legion World, could even think about going toe to toe with him, and they figured out a way to kill him. What chance does your average Legion World citizen have against guys like that? I mean you and a few other high powered types have the nads to go round for round with the Red Bee, but some average joe? He ain’t got a chance.”

“Yeah, but remember who took them down last time. I don’t think a green kid like Everyday Girl counts as a high powered type.”

“Yeah and if that’s the case why do we have two of our best guys sitting on her? Never mind answering that, I know the reason as well as you do, it’s ‘cause you don’t think she can do it again, and neither does Pagan.”

“And you? What do you think?”

“The kid’s a freak. I never saw anybody shoot like her and those demons, Cacks, or whatever they are, that Pagan attached to her, Sweet Jesus, they set people up like pop up targets for her. And she just doesn’t miss…”

A sly smile crept across Cobie’s face, “She shoot better than you, ‘Lock?”

“Oh Hell No! But, she’s the only shooter I ever seen who’s as good as me.”

“Not to change the subject old buddy, but speaking of Pagan, has she called in yet?”

Not far –as galactic distances are measured– from Legion World is the spatial anomaly known as the “Puckered Sphincter,” a distorted region of space where the gravity wells of thirteen stars converge to fold space in an unusual manner.

The Puckered Sphincter has several unusual qualities. The first and foremost of which is the fact that it is the only known source of “Annoyance Force” emissions in the M-81 Galaxy, which makes it the source of Abin Quank’s powers.

No, gentile reader(s) the Puckered Sphincter is not the source of power for Abin’s Faux Power Ring, the reason why that silly piece of plastic functions exactly like a real Green Lantern Power Ring while he (and only while he wears it, it won’t work for anyone else and becomes inert when he takes it off) wears it on his finer is unknown and perhaps unknowable, it is the source of his ability to endlessly, effortlessly, and instantly annoy people to the point where they explode in pure frustration at his pointless antics.

Before today only Abin knew of the Puckered Sphincter’s existence. Unfortunately, that is about to change…

In the cell that formerly held the Red Bee, Pagan Lass and Arachne are faced with a physical impossibility.

“You find anything at all Arachne?”

“Nothing, nada, zip, and zilch, in that order, no energy signatures, magical residue, no nothing, not even a scratch on the paint. Nothing. I can’t find evidence of anything that would let them out of here.”

“What about something like Outdoor Miner’s teleportation?”

“Well it’s not teleportation; it’s something closer to negation of distance. But yes, that would account for it except I can’t believe Miner would do something like this.”

“Okay, not Miner, but someone else of his species?”

“Nope, the only two members of his race that can do the distance negating thing are him and Gates.”

“And we’ve catalogued the energy signatures of everyone on LW who could pull off a stunt like this and none of them show up. So, who’s both smart enough to build something we don’t know about and dumb enough to think he or she could profit from busting those two out?”

“Tamper Lad?”

“Let’s go.”


Mere moments later…

“Pagan, what kind of Secure Undisclosed Location has a big sign over the supposedly secret entrance?”

“Well, Tamper Lad has never been the brightest bulb on the LMBP Christmas Tree.”

“Either that or he’s been playing the rest of us for fools for a long time…. Shhh there he is.”

“Hello ladies. Don’t bother with the preliminaries, I know exactly why you’re here and the answer is no. No I don’t know where the Red Bee and the Riddler are nor do I care. They represent exactly zero threat potential for me or anyone I care about, which is a rather small list of people. Now, since you two managed to find your way in I assume you can find your way out, unaided.”

"Actually Tamper, we had a few other questions we wanted to ask, starting with some questions about your relationship with at least two teen-age girls here on Legion World, one of which is my granddaughter.”

“Purely Platonic I assure you, in the case of your granddaughter at least. And as a gentleman, I don’t kiss and tell, so I suggest you ask Miss Caliente any questions you may have about our relationship. That part of my life is over.”

“Down at the Security Office we’ve heard a different version of this story, one a little less complimentary to you, not everyone thinks you’re such a Gentleman.”

“I see that you’re following in your brother-in-law’s footsteps as a security officer, including his propensity for making mountains out of molehills and treating innuendo as fact. I just told you our conversation is over, you will leave now, or I will take such actions as necessary to defend my home, as allowed for in the Legion World Constitution.”

“Come on Pagan, I’ve seen all I need to here. Nasshead here isn’t involved in the breakout. Besides, once we put the word out on the streets that EDG was only hanging out here so that Mr. Evil Genius would design new and more effective bullets for her, including the special slugs she used to take down the Red Bee…”

“Now wait a minute… I didn’t… Oh, I see, you think I’ll succumb to such a base and obvious ploy. Well you’re wrong. I had nothing to do with the breakout and I want nothing to do with any of this. Leave my house.”

“Okay Mr. Evil Genius, but we’ll be back, with a warrant…”

Outside…

“Find anything, Arachne?”

“Just the usual, three tunnels: one to SHAKES, one to Shameless Hussies, and one to the Evil Genius Club, a mass production unit for those silly guns he likes to make, a large badly stocked wine cellar on the floor just below where we talked to him, a couple of Supergirl Robots, and some dog eared girlie magazines. Nothing out of the ordinary for an evil genius.”

“Okay who else could pull this off?”

“Reboot?”

“Worth a try.”

In his official capacity as Legion World’s Senior Sanitation Engineer (i.e. Janitor) Abin Quank has what amounts to unrestricted access to everything on Legion World. There are some security regulations which should keep him out of some areas but for the most part he largely ignores them. After all, he is the only janitor in the known universe with a power ring. He moves about almost completely unnoticed in his daily routine. In fact it often seems to him that the only time anyone even notices his presence is when they need a mess (usually something spectacularly icky like the tons of black goop that accompanied Kid Prime’s recent re-birth) cleaned up, stat.

The Hall of Fallen Heroes is one of Legion World’s most spectacular sites and a popular tourist destination. Visitors come from all areas of known space to pay homage to those heroes who’ve given their lives in defense of Legion World and its proud traditions. Today is no exception. It’s fifteen minutes before the scheduled opening time of the public viewing area and already the crowds are lined up for a block and a half outside. Inside Abin and Antonio Steffinacci, the HoFH curator are inspecting the floor around the newly erected statues of the Space Ranger and the Emerald Empress.

“I don’t understand it Mr. Quank, there is no possible way for something like this to happen without someone setting off an alarm. Muddy footprints, Muddy Footprints! All over the area around the new statues! And they start from nowhere and lead nowhere! Look at this mess!”

“Don’t worry Mr. Steffinacci, the mess will be cleaned up in a few seconds, you’ll be ready for opening time. My question is who was in here overnight and what were they doing? Has the security office been notified?”

“I don’t know and yes. A young security officer called Invisible Brainiac just left. He took a series of holo-vids and used some other scanning devices to record the scene. He seemed to think it was just some of the rowdier little “L” types who wanted an early look at the statues of two of their heroes. This is the first day that this section of the hall has been open to the public you know. I swear I don’t understand the motivations of young people these days.”

“Oh, I agree with you there, Mr. Steffinacci, I have a Granddaughter who regularly…”

“Yes, yes, Mr. Quank, I completely understand… But shouldn’t you be getting on with the clean-up?”

“Yes, the clean-up,” Green Energy flares through the area around the two statues and the muddy footprints disappear. The energy then expands to cover the entire Hall. Within seconds the entire hall is once again gleaming and pristine, “it’s done.”

“Now if you don’t mind Mr. Steffinacci, I’d like a few moments alone with my brother’s statue before the official opening. It’s kind of a last respect’s thing. I’m sure you understand.”

“Arachne, what was it Reboot said when he rebuilt this place?”

“Hmmm, If I remember correctly, it was something like:

‘With the ending of my term as leader, the former GovernMental building received a complete rebuild. Gone is the three winged affair of glass and steel and rock and stone.

In its place rises a tall spire, gleaming green with blue energy crackling through the windows. At its top hovers a sphere of purest white.

Around the base, many and sundry buildings have been constructed …as well as a green space of tree and grass. And a moat of purest water encircles the new complex.’

He didn’t say anything about entrances that I remember. So I’m as mystified as you are as to how we get in there.”

The air around Pagan Lass and Arachne seemed to crackle with energy as the two, who had just completed a full circle around the amazing complex that Reboot calls home, stood staring at the hovering sphere topping the green spire.

“Actually, ladies, access to my abode is a very simple matter for invited visitors and people whom I want to see.”

“So I take it that we’re on the ‘go away’ list,” Arachne’s voice dripped with venom as she responded to the holographic image that appeared before them.

“It’s nothing personal, just a few matters of long-standing dispute between the security office and me, including your boss’s tendency to use ‘chip in the head’ technology for his personal gain. I generally don’t have much interaction with your office.”

“But, you do have access to some pretty advanced tech yourself, don’t you Mr. Reboot?”

“I don’t believe, Pagan Lass, that my access to tech, advanced or not, is of any concern to the security office. Unless of course you are implying that I have done something illegal.” The holographic image began to fade. “In which case, I shall certainly refer this to my legal staff.”

“No! Wait, we aren’t implying anything! We’re simply investigating a breakout from Takron-Galtos and we need to find out who might have access to the tech necessary to have accomplished it. We hoped you might be of some assistance with that,” Arachne stated flatly to the fading image.

“Glitch, transfer our guests to holo-suite 5.”

Nobody, and I do mean nobody, has experienced the pure evil of the Red Bee in the up close and personal way that Lolita, better known as Jailbait Lass, has. For some reason that no one understands; she has always been his favorite target. Perhaps it’s her close personal relationship with Cobalt Kid. Perhaps it’s the fact that she is the only security officer who doesn’t have an impressive way of defending herself, (the ability to remain a beautiful young woman for her entire life-span may impress Cobie, but it doesn’t mean diddly-squat to the Red Bee) or perhaps it’s just because she has been the easiest target of opportunity in his attacks on the LMBP.

The reasons behind the Red Bee’s use of her as a pawn in his campaigns against the LMBP don’t matter much to Jailbait Lass either. What matters is the fact that she made a life-altering decision after the time he buried her alive. As she saw it, she had two choices. She could live her life in continual fear of his return or she could take some serious precautions to ensure that the Red Bee would instantly (and hopefully, fatally) regret any further assaults against her.

She never liked the idea of living in fear and when Everyday Girl joined the security office, after Space Ranger’s death, the two girls quickly became close friends. That friendship quickly gave Lolita the opportunity to learn a few tricks…

“Okay Brit, how long do you think we have before they start searching for us?” Jailbait Lass asked quietly.

She and Everyday Girl stood in the wooded area surrounding Monument Park and peered cautiously out at the Statues of the Founders of Legion World and the LMBP (connected by the stunning Princess Crujectra Bridge).

“Ohmygod, I gave Hrun a dose that would knock out a rhino for like a week. So he’s most likely already awake. But like he gave me a little like wink as he downed that flagon so I’m sure he knew. Fuzzball just sniffed at his catnip, so I doubt he ever really went out. They’ll lay down a few false leads for us but you can bet they’ll never lose our trail.”

“Jeepers! I’ll never figure out your family. Your Gram imperiously decrees that you stay home and sit this one out, then sends the two people most likely to let you slip away to guard you. Weird!”

“Ohmygod! Like, we’re not thaaat bad. *giggle* I mean it’s not like I’m the one in danger of giving birth to a world threatening menace. ”

“Brit, can you knock off the ‘brainless valley girl’ act for just a few minutes. Please? And I am so not in danger of that! Even if I was doing him, which I’m NOT, I wouldn’t be dumb enough not to take precautions. :rueful smile: And anyway those weren’t my ‘bunny slippers’ under his ‘casting couch’ were they?”

“Okay Lita, I’ll stop picking on your weird boyfriend if you’ll stop picking on my weird family. Truce? Or best friends?”

“Best Friends! You know that! Always!”

“And anyway, here comes No One. He’s alone so Nobody must be watching over something until we get there.”

“I don’t see anything…”

“It’s okay; I forget sometimes that I’m the only one who can always see them. I’ll fix it.”

“No One, place Lita on the ‘always visible list’ and tell Nobody to do the same. ‘Code zeta, zeta, best friend, alpha one’ Lock and Compile.”

“That sounds like computer language. I thought they were demons, or Cacks.” No One popped into visibility a few yards away from the girls, a perfect 18” tall replica of Kid Cobalt (the gender reversed form which unbeknownst to the girls –before this anyway– that Cobie had recently adopted).

“It is and they’re not. Sorry Lita, but some things I just can’t explain. You already know my family is weird. Well, they’re part of my family too. I just can’t explain it yet, but I will someday, I promise.”

“Can you explain the sex change?”

“Ummm… Legion World?” *Shrugs*

The normal hi-jinks of the Security Office are one thing, but sometimes…

“Cobester sometimes you just…” Matlock shook his head slowly as he stared in amazement at Kid Cobalt. “Ya think ya might have picked a better time to try batting for the other team?”

“*Sniff* you just don’t understand, Matlock, I had to try… Oh, that’s not right… I mean I just… Oh, Just… *SOB*”

“Crap, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just meant you should have thought things out a little better. That’s all. Jeabus, you’re supposed to be the Security Chief and look at you…” Matlock grabbed a Kleenex from the holder that had appeared on Cobalt’s desk shortly after the transformation and passed it over to the quietly sobbing young girl. The holder was almost empty.

“T-thanks Matlock, I just need a little time to get used to the changes… Things I used to think were funny, just aren’t, things that used to seem like a waste of time are suddenly of earth-shattering importance… I used to think girls had it made… Now everyone is so much bigger and my arms don’t work the same and…”

“And it’s time for you to snap the hell out of it CHIEF! We got the Red Bee and the Riddler loose some where on Legion World. We got security officers out in the field who need to know their boss is working to back them up! We got two of our supposedly best officers sleeping off one hell of a bender, while a pair of snot-nosed brats are out there –on their own– which you better pray Pagan Lass don’t find outabout…”

<span style="font-size: 20px;">**Slap-A-Roonie!**</span>

Matlock’s head snapped back from the force of the blow, a small trickle of blood ran from his lower lip, but a broad smile broke out across his face. Kid Cobalt didn’t seem to notice the smile however, as she launched into a thunderous tirade.

“Just who the H-e-double hockey sticks, do you think you’re talking to Mr. Assistant Security Chief? I’m the gold-digging Security Chief… I’m the person who chews people’s butts in this office… NOT YOU! Gosh Dang IT, Get your Freaking A$$ out on the street where you can do some good. Find those two girls and get them home! Now! Go!”

Matlock fought to keep a straight face as he turned and headed for the door.

“Oh and send Invisible Brainiac in here. I need to find out what the heck is happening over at the Hall of Fallen Heroes.”

Stepping out of Cobie’s office Matlock waited until he was far enough away before breaking into peals of laughter just as a confused Invisible Brainiac came around the corner.

“What’s so funny Mat?”

“Cobie’s waiting for you in her office, kid. I don’t think she’s in a good mood so you better be ready for a grilling.”

“Her? She? Grife, what the sprock has happened now?”

“Ummm… Legion World?” *Shrugs*

Pagan Lass and Arachne have just appeared –seemingly out of thin air– outside of “Fat Cramer’s Café.” After a quick omni-com conversation with the Security Office they walk into the café and begin serving themselves. Cramer is in the back room and the front is empty except for a pair of uniformed security officers who waive a cheerful greeting to the pair but vanish quickly after noticing Pagan glancing at her watch.

“Ever read “the Watchmen” Pagan?”

“A long time ago, first edition, I don’t remember much beyond the ending.”

“Wow, you are just a little older than you look. ”

“Yes I am… But, what does that have to do with what we just saw?”

“Not so much what we saw… More like who showed it to us and how he did it.”

“I don’t follow you.”

“Think Ozymandias.”

“Oh… Maybe, but I don’t think he has the requisite megalomania.”

“Maybe not, but I think Cobalt Kid is right. We do need to keep a close eye on him.”

A pot of Herbal Tea and a pot of Chai Latte float over to a corner table, followed closely by place settings and some scones.

“That wasn’t Abin you know… and it wasn’t Miner either…”

“Well, whoever it was is good enough to fool anyone but you or Reboot. Gods, that little scene in the graveyard gave me the absolute chills… Maybe it’s Madrox the Multiple Durlan?”

“No, someone would have killed the clone already, at least once. Still we’ve never met the original Madrox, have we? I only know of his clones being active on Legion World, never him. Would he have the nerve to come to LW in person?”

“Good Question! I certainly don’t know the answer.”

“I doubt it, he’s never shown himself to be that powerful, or that smart.”

“Well maybe a little of your magic could… You know…”

“No, well actually it could… but I can’t… I don’t have much magic anymore.”

“Hmmm… I knew you’d toned it down some but I thought that was because of the way your Granddaughter… You Know…”

“No it’s because of the rift between me and Stoopid Cat. Bast took his side and made it so I can’t use much magic without his aid and consent. He’s more than my familiar; he’s the conduit between me and the magic’s of ancient pre-Egypt.”

“You could just forgive him,” Cramer’s voice floated over to the table as she approached, “he feels absolutely horrible about what happened between you two. And it wasn’t even his fault, not really. He can’t help being a cat…”

“Oh Fudge! There’s uniforms all over the place!”

“S’okay, we just need to wait here ‘til Nobody shows. He’ll find a way to get whatever it is he found out to us.”

“Yeah, Okay.” Jailbait Lass paused a second as she surveyed the scene around Space Ranger’s grave. “Something else else is odd here… There’s at least a dozen uniformed security officers out there but no ‘realies’ or ‘altIDs.’ Just GenCars and they’re all wearing red! Crap! It’s a Set-Up!”

“What? What in the flying fudge are GenCars? And why does it matter that they’re wearing red?”

“GenCars is a short form of generic characters. They are little “L” type Legion Worlders who only exist because they’re needed to set a scene. You don’t know what that’s like. You started out as a bit player; you’ve always had a continuing role to fill. Then you were able to become an altID. Now you have a back-story and everything. I started out as a GenCar. I was the Security Office “under aged bimbo.” I was only there for Cobalt Kid to use as a sex object and make jokes about. But Fat Cramer, Arachne, and a few others stood up for me and my role got changed but not necessarily for the better. I became a “Damsel in Distress,” I was there for the Red Bee to terrorize. That’s when I decided I was going to do something to get out of the rut I was in. Getting a speaking role in one of these adventures is a good way for someone like me to move up the ladder. It may not get me realie or alt status, but it’s a step in the right direction.”

“Okay, but I think that little speech might have moved you up even further than you expect… But I still don’t understand what wearing red has to do with anything.”

“Think ‘Star Trek’ security officers.”

“Thaaat’s not a good image… You recognize any of the GenCars?”

“Yeah there’s Lt. Hutch Starsky, he’s the head of C.S.I.: LW and Inspector Devices, and Oh No, not her…”

“Who?”

“My Whee Fem, your Ret-Conned Friend from the LW Orphanage… And she’s wearing one of those ‘slit to the hip’ Chinese dresses…”

Ohmygod, well, that like seals the deal! If I understand how these things work, something majorly bad is like about to happen and I can only save like some of them. But if like you’re maybe more real now, cuz you’ve been around so long and cuz you’re like a major character in this story, maybe you can like help me and we can like save everybody…”

Everyday Girl paused and began to extract an impressive arsenal of high tech weaponry from improbable places around her body.

“You keep that… There?”

*giggle* “You get used to it after a while…”

“Nuh-Huh… Not me, no way!”

“Here, take these blasters, they’ll stop anybody who isn’t up to at least Daxamite power levels. And strap on this force field belt. <span style="font-size: 7px;">I wonder if Tamper has noticed I replaced it with an empty utility belt, yet?</span>”

“Okay… Done… Now what?”

“Now we wait. If we show ourselves too soon whoever is waiting for the ‘big reveal’ to attack could call for a re-write.”

“Re-Write?”

“Yeah, like when Gramps accidentally stripped Harbinger nekkid, right after he got his power ring, during the Ongoing Tag-Team story. He violated the rules somehow and she made him ret-con the scene so she wasn’t publicly embarrassed.”

“Realies can do that?”

“Yeah! They can but we can’t, so we gotta do this right.”

Strapped to an operating table aboard the Black Cloaked Man’s space cruiser, the Red Bee watched in apprehension as the Riddler was locked into what was obviously a Terragen Mist Transformation Chamber.

“Now I expected somebody would come after us to avenge the Ranger. I even figured it might be you. But torture just doesn’t strike me as your style. So what are you playing at? Why aren’t we dead, Quank?”

The Black Cloaked Man kept his attention firmly fixed on the view port of the Transformation Chamber. “Oh this is wonderful… Fantastic… Those murdering LMBP fools won’t have any idea what hit them when I turn you loose on them, Nigma…”

“Listen Quank, I’m talking to you! What the hell are you talking about? What the hell have you done to the Riddler? What are you going to do to ME?” For the first time since Abin Quank calmly walked him and the Riddler right out the airlock of Takron-Galtos he was beginning to seriously doubt his ability to turn the current situation around and use it to his advantage.

Abin walked over to the operating table and stared directly into his eyes. A pair of swirling yellow and magenta pupils seemed to bore into his brain.

“Do you really think Buzz, that a stupid janitor could have done all the things I’ve done?”

“Well if you aren’t Abin then what are you mad at us for? You seem to hate the LMBP. You should be happy we killed one of them.”

“I didn’t heal your jaw just so I would have the opportunity to break it again, Buzz.” The Abin look alike stated calmly. “Not that it would bother me. So be careful what you brag about. I hate the LMBP because of Space Ranger’s death! But! They killed him. Not you. You pulled the trigger… But! They are responsible. They’re the cowards who sent him after you and your army of super villains alone. They hid behind him. They used his power and majesty as a shield to hide their own inadequacies.”

“Umm… We talking about the same LMBP here?”

“Silence! You idiot! Listen to the sounds of your friend’s breathing… I’ve given him greater power than he ever dreamed of. I’m going to do the same for you. All you two have to do is destroy the LMBP for me. You get the power necessary to fulfill your dreams and I get revenge for the Ranger’s death.”

Red Bee let the slim sliver of hope that was all he had to keep him going expand. Let this madman -whoever he was- rant and rave all he wanted to. If he could do what he claimed then he’d feel the effects of that power right after the LMBP died.

“Okay, BOSS, what do you want me to do?”

<span style="font-size: 20px;">“NIGMA SMASH!!!!”</span>

The words rang out across Monument Park as a hulking thing reminiscent of Solomon Grundy on a bad day dropped out of the sky a few yards away from the security office detachment investigating the scene at Space Ranger’s grave.

<span style="font-size: 20px;">“NIGMA KILL LMBP FOR MASTER!!!!”</span>

“Ohmygod, I so wish I’d brought the elephant gun… but like… who knew?” Everyday Girl muttered to herself as she motioned for No One to begin his assault. “’Lita, flank him to the left, try to get into position for a cross-fire.”

Jailbait Lass nodded then moved off quickly. Thankfully, despite their GenCar status, the security officers under assault were highly trained professionals who knew exactly what to do when a rampaging monster was dropped unexpectedly into their midst.

They panicked and ran!

Well, most of them panicked and ran, anyway, and in their attempt to vacate the premises they seriously hindered the frantic efforts of Lt. Hutch Starsky and Inspector Device to meet the menace of Nigma head on by burying them under a wave of fleeing bodies.

That left My Whee Fem as the sole remaining effective on the GenCar side of the battle.

“Great,” she muttered to herself, as she drew a pair of matched Ninja Swords from their hidden sheathes and positioned herself between the hulking form of Nigma and her fleeing comrades. “I hope that cutie, Invisible Brainiac, was right! He’d better be or this ‘plucky girl sidekick’ is toast.”

Suddenly, Nobody and No One appeared for just a split second, each of them wrapped around one of Nigma’s ankles. Nigma’s feet flew out from under him and he landed face first in the mud at her feet. Without thinking she leaped and planted both of her dainty feet on the back of his head. Her twin swords flashed and pierced his ears, pinning him face down in the mud.

“Nice move Girlie, but now you got me to dance with, you ready to tango?” The Red Bee’s voice floated across Monument Park. All three girls stared in amazement as the ‘New and Improved’ Red Bee appeared, hovering several feet in the air over his fallen partner. “And look, two of my favorite playmates are here also… You two might as well show yourselves…” He pointed a metallic finger at My Whee Fem, “or I’ll Venom-Blast your little GenCar friend here into oblivion.”

“Ohmygod, Mr. Bee, It’s me you like want…” Everyday Girl yelled as she stood up, both of her 9mm Berretta VLK’s clutched in white knuckled hands and pointed directly at the Red Bee’s head (The only part of him that didn’t appear to be made of metal) “I’m the one who took you out last time, you know!”

“Everyday Brat! Yes, I do want…” A plasma blast enveloped him the instant his head turned to look in Everyday Girl’s direction. He was thrown backwards and knocked out of the air, crashing into the statue of Cobalt Kid and reducing it to a mound of rubble.

Jailbait Lass rose from her position, holstered her still smoking plasma blasters, and sprinted in his direction. She turned on her newly acquired force field as she moved. “This Bastich is mine girls! He’s never going to bury me alive again!”

Even as Red Bee was smashing through Cobalt Kid’s last remaining statue the hulking thing called Nigma was stirring and struggling to free himself. With a mighty heave he pulled his head free of the mud, ripping away most of both ears in the process.

He stood over the now weaponless My Whee Fem and bellowed his rage to the world!

<span style="font-size: 20px;">“NIGMA SMASH!!!!”</span>

But, before he could strike another voice drowned his out...

<span style="font-size: 30px;">HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!</span>

Thirty tons of frozen reindeer guano landed on Nigma with a loud splat! My Whee Fem raised her eyes to the sky and waived happily to Santa Claus whizzing by in his new Reboot designed sled, the Deus Ex Machina!

“And a Merry Christmas to you too, Santa!” She yelled as she held her nose and ran to join Everyday Girl & Jailbait Lass.

When Everyday Girl and My Whee Fem reached the pile of rubble that was all that remained of the last known statue of Cobalt Kid, they found the Red Bee, with his new techno-organic body largely slagged by the plasma bursts, being slowly and methodically beaten to death by an enraged Jailbait Lass.

“You infiltrated the LMBP to learn their secrets.” A force field encased fist smashed into his face. “You buried me alive just to torment the others.” The fist smashed into his head again. “You killed Space Ranger!” The fist rose again just as they reached her side.

“No ‘Lita! Don’t! He’s beaten!” Everyday Girl grabbed her arm and held on.

“Let me go Brit! He deserves to die! Remember what he did to me! What he’s done to all of us!” She twisted her arm free and began pummeling the Bee’s face fast and hard.

It took the combined efforts of Everyday Girl and My Whee Fem to pull Jailbait Lass off of the Red Bee. And even then she struggled to break free of their grasp and resume her efforts to completely destroy his face until Everyday Girl threw her down and sat on her chest.

“I’m sorry ‘Lita but I just can’t let you kill him –you said you wanted to upgrade your status here on Legion World– killing him will only drag you down to his level! <span style="font-size: 15px;">You despise him! Don’t become him!</span>”

“<span style="font-size: 9px;">You’re an idealistic fool, Everyday Brat… Just like your dear departed uncle was… Hah, look what his idealism got him…</span>” the Red Bee muttered quietly through swollen and bleeding lips. “<span style="font-size: 9px;">Let her finish me… or better yet, you finish the job… I won’t resist… C’mon… Find out how good it feels to totally annihilate your enemies… Let your rage out…</span> KILL ME! DAMM YOU! Kill Me!”

Everyday Girl stood and looked down at him with a nasty smile on her face. “Ohmygod, Mr. Bee, you mean we shouldn’t let you live, knowing that you’ve like had your ass kicked in twice by Teenaged Girls?” She walked over to him and squatted down next to his head then tenderly began to brush the dirt and blood off of his face. “Y’know, Mr. Bee when the other prisoners on Takron-Galtos find out how easily three teenage girls took you down and I’m gonna make sure they find out real fast, they’re gonna make you somebody nasty’s bitch and you’ll find out what it’s like to live in Hell!”

A smile broke out on what remained of his face as she spoke. “<span style="font-size: 9px;">Yeah, that’s how it starts… First you enjoy the thought of the pain your enemies are going to suffer… Then you plan ways to increase that pain… At least Jailbait Bitch was going to kill me cleanly…</span>”

His body began to fade into insubstantiality.

“NO! The Bastich is getting away!”

The Elephantine Emperor of Eradnai Epsilon settled his mammoth bulk into a specially padded and reinforced chair as he looked down at the much smaller version of himself that had brought the terrible threat of Legion World to his attention. He neither knew nor cared what the being’s true form looked like. He’d learned early in life that form was meaningless where alien entities were concerned. Intent was what mattered. Did the creatures before him intend to bow their necks to his majesty and pay tribute to the glory of his empire or not? If the former was true then as soon as their planet’s material wealth was transferred to his coffers and the planet’s population was working industriously to further the glory of the empire, all was well. If not, wars were commonplace during his long and glorious reign.

“Did you say the Puckered Sphincter is the key to defeating the LMBP? I find that hard to believe, little one. My scientists assure me that there are no beings in this galaxy able to access the ‘Annoyance Force’ it radiates. Plus there is evidence of a Green Lantern being stationed on Legion World. The Empire is not ready to announce our existence or intentions to the ever meddling Oan’s. Not that we fear them, or anybody, just we’re not ready.”

“The presence of the faux Green Lantern is what has masked the presence of an Annoyance Force user on that damnable world, Emperor Shrub-Eater. They are one and the same person. But, he is of little consequence, he uses his ring solely to clean up the messes of the others, he’s just their janitor, and even though he has what appears to be a power ring, he possesses none of the traits or training of a true Green Lantern. I doubt that the Oan’s even know he exists.”

“What about the Lard Knight? And the Exiled Pysonians? And the Gyrrrgian? And the Emerald Empress? And the Space Ranger? And the Magic Users? My army is the most powerful force in the universe but even we would sustain heavy losses in defeating the LMBP. What is there for me to gain by invading now?

“The Lard Knight is only rarely on Legion World. He has other matters to attend to. The Gyrrrgian and the Pysonians are of little consequence for various reasons, not the least of which is the Gyrrrgian’s recent sex change. The Empress and the Ranger are dead and the magic users largely de-powered or missing. This is the perfect time for you to strike!”

An evil smile spread across the Black Cloaked Man’s elephantine countenance.

“There is one person who threatens your empire more than any other, Your Majesty, and she too is a member of the LMBP. They are her protectors; they are the ones who allow her subversive ideas of freedom from hunger and a benevolent, yet despotic, government to flourish in this galaxy. Destroy the LMBP and you destroy her power base. Just think Sire! Destroy the LMBP and your will never, ever, see another Cupcake!

Mearl Dox is HERE? She’s on Legion World?

It’s called the “Evil Genius Club” and it serves as the regular meeting place for some of Legion World’s greatest minds. Here the visitors are treated to a very different form of entertainment. A vast array of intellectual discussions interspaced with good food and drink, and friendly –if sometimes contentious– camaraderie.

Tamper Lad likes to present himself to Legion World at large as an Evil Genius. The Evil Genius Club is his establishment, founded in the hope of attracting others of like dispositions so that he could steal their secrets and dispose of them, or at least that’s what he claims. So far he has failed miserably in that attempt. Oh, the back room is often filled with GenCar Henchmen, eating, drinking, and plotting while paying three times the going rate for their food and drink, while the GenCar Hosts and Hostesses dutifully record their conversations and report their plots to the security office at the end of each shift. (Hey, GenCar Henchmen expect to be ratted out for profit by any establishment willing to allow large numbers of them to congregate freely. They know that until they’re hired by a major Super-Villain their plans are doomed to fail. They also know that even after they’re hired their plans are doomed to fail. Nobody ever said GenCar henchmen were smart.) But the main lounge, where Tamper had hoped to entertain such villainous luminaries as the Time Mouse Trapper and Whordru, is usually populated by a diverse crowd of not-evil-at-all Geniuses such as Dr. One, Reboot, Grey Birdboy (AKA Greybird), Invisible Brainiac, and Matlock.

“Dr One, could you take a look at this?” Invisible Brainiac called from the holo-vid suite as he quickly pocketed a device that allowed him to freely access several of Tamper’s information gathering devices. (in the main lounge of the Evil Genius Club, food and drinks are free, and the hosts and hostess androids are very circumspect about the information they gather, which means that it’s only available to Tamper Lad –or so he thinks– but access to the various advanced technological devices is expensive. Tamper is a marketing genius, first and foremost.)

“There won’t be anything for Dr. One to see unless you put approximately 8.79563 credits in that viewer, IB.” Tamper’s voice came from behind the bar where he was in the middle of an animated discussion with his –estranged more often than not– girlfriend Caliente. “I was going to surreptitiously add the cost to your bill, but Cali here pointed out that you haven’t run one up. Cheapskate.”

“Tamper, you didn’t build this viewer, Stealth did.” IB shot back as he fed a ten credit note into the slot on the machine. “And, anyway, how’d you know…”

Dr. One pressed a stud on his belt absentmindedly as he studied the scene depicted on the viewer and a pair of small flying cameras, ironically designed and built by Invisible Brainiac, winked in and out of visibility.

“Oh…” IB blushed a shade of deep green as Caliente’s musical laughter floated across the lounge.

“Oh my, this is very interesting… Tamper I suggest you put aside your usual monetary considerations and transfer this to the main screen in the lounge. Our young friend here has just discovered a new and very unusual spatial phenomenon.”

“Phenomenon, Shenominon, I run this place on a cash basis…Owww…” Tamper’s reply was cut short by a sharp kick to the shins from Caliente, who quickly complied with Dr. One’s request.

“Gotta keep our customer’s happy, Tamper sweetie, and anyway I want to see what’s got Doc One’s panties in a bunch.”

The main lounge of the Evil Genius Club is normally abuzz with quiet and sometimes not so quiet conversations but as the rarely used (i.e. prohibitively priced) main view screen lit up, showing the latest discovery by Invisible Brainiac, an awed silence fell over the room.

It took a bit of Caliente’s irreverent wit to express the feeling held by everyone viewing the scene.

“It looks like the universe is mooning Legion World…”

**Eddie Tor’s Note**

Tamper, you is free to start an Evil Genius Club thread ober in da MMB if ya so chooses ta. Just ‘member da usual kick backs an like stuff…

**End Eddie Tor’s Note**

“Great! What do we do now?” My Whee Fem asked as she stared at the spot where just seconds ago the Red Bee lay.

“Well,” Everyday Girl looked nervously at the crowd of GenCar security officers who were gathering around the huge mound of Reindeer Guano, “We probably shouldn’t hang around here much longer…”

“Go-Go Device Pooper Scooper…”

“Ummm… Brit, shouldn’t we stop them?” Jailbait Lass asked quietly as she watched a comically oversized pet scoop emerge from Inspector Device’s hat and begin digging into the guano mound. “What if Nigma is still under there?”

“I doubt he is…” Everyday Girl said quietly as she silently prayed she never made Santa’s “very naughty” list, “whoever it is that him and Bee are working with is too smart to leave him behind. Although once he gets a whiff of him he might wish he had.”

“So what do we do now?” MWF re-asked her original question.

“Depends, who’s looking for us? If we go home you can bet that Gram will have me locked up tight in seconds. She’s probably livid right now and when she finds out I blew the collar…”

**Snicker** When she finds out you did what? When did you find time for that? **Snicker**

**Giggle** Shut up, ‘Lita! You know what I mean! **Giggle**

**Snerk** Yeah, who’s this collar guy anyway? **Snerk**

“Ohmygod, you two are like such a pair of pervs! It means I let that S-O-B get away!”

“Calm down Brit. We know what it means. It’s just…”

“Ohmygod, I like know you’re just kidding. But… I like know how she’s gonna react, too.”

“Okay, so we track them down before you go home… But how?”

“Ohmygod, we like get some help from the like smartest person I know.”

“Brit, you’re doing it again…”

“Ohmy… Umm… Sorry.”

“I don’t really want to go to that stupid SUDL. He gives me the creeps. Always staring and stuff…”

“I’m not talking about Tamper, silly…

“Cramey, I know he’ll always be your little brother, but it’s a little more complicated than just forgiving him.” Pagan Lass’s voice was low and sorrowful as she averted her eyes from Cramer’s. “I can’t explain everything that happened, ‘cause I don’t even know a lot of it, but he made a decision that…” Her voice trailed off and she looked at the floor for a few seconds before raising her head and looking Cramer in the eye.

“Look, we need to find out who helped break the Red Bee and the Riddler out of Takron-Galtos, maybe after that’s done… and if he does what he said he’ll do by making sure Everyday Girl is reasonably safe during all this…”

The sound of the door opening caused Arachne to peak away from the tableau before her. The sight of a down-cast Hrun with an equally down-cast Stoopid Cat riding his shoulder sent her stomach to the floor.

“Pagan?”

Before Pagan Lass could react to the sight, Cramer was across the room, hands on hips glaring fiercely at the bedraggled pair. “Oh this is a fine How-do-you-do! Where have you two been? And what is that smell? If I didn’t know better, and maybe I don’t, I’d swear you have been cleaning out a very dirty stable…”

Stoopid Cat ignored his sister’s tirade and leaped over her head in the direction of Pagan Lass and Arachne. Uncharacteristically, Hrun simply stood quietly and gazed placidly around the room.

**Yowl** Look, Pagan it wasn’t our fault! How were we to know Santa was on backup? **Yowl**

Pagan looked daggers at the matted and bedraggled cat while she mentally counted to 20; ten just wasn’t high enough for her to keep her emotions under control.

“So what happened?” She finally asked.

**Meow** “Look, you were right, as usual, the brat is slipperier than a greased eel. She tried to give us the slip using a knockout potion. We didn’t take it but we let her go, just like you asked us to and followed her. She found them all right, and with a little help from Santa –and a big pile of reindeer dung– she and her friends kicked their butts.” **Meow**

“Okay, so she’s back home?”

**Yowl** “No, because they got away… Look the big guy and I couldn’t do anything… We were too close to ground zero… You should have seen Device’s face when he dug me and Hrun out of that pile instead of whatever it is that the Riddler has been transformed into.” **Yowl**

“So, the Black Cloaked Man…”

**Purr** “We never saw him, just the Red Bee and the Riddler, course they don’t look the same no more. Riddler calls himself Nigma now and looks like a bleached out Frankenstein in a bad suit. The Red Bee looks the same except bigger, and he smells like metal. I think someone gave him a cyborg treatment. And I noticed another smell… you remember the little yellow guy that used to visit the Ranger sometimes?” **Purr**

“Little yellow guy? I don’t think so… But Abin will know. So where did the girls go?”

**Meow** “Umm… we’re not sure…” **YOWL** Stoopid Cat leaped back to Hrun’s shoulder as Pagan Lass and Arachne both jumped to their feet in response to his last statement. In a split second he and Hrun were in the center of a triangle of angry super-heroines.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“So why are you here instead of tracking them?”

“If anything happens to those two girls, I’m going to personally skin you, you worthless pile of mangy fur!”

The last, from Cramer, brought the noise level back down to a dull roar as Pagan and Arachne both stared open mouthed at her and Stoopid Cat’s hackles rose while a low growl emanated from his shivering form.

“Sis, please, Hrun is out trying to regain their trail, this is just a golem, we think they went into the scary woods, and there are three girls now, Everyday, Jailbait, and My Whee Fem, Brit’s retconned roommate from the Legion World Orphanage, she’s trying to become Invisible Brainiac’s plucky girl sidekick.”

“Oh, Everyday Girl must love that, she goes all goo-goo whenever he’s around,” Arachne laughed.

“What’s animating the golem,” Pagan wondered aloud.

<Silent Cat Laughter> Ancient Pre-Egyptian Magic… <Silent Cat Laughter>

“Is Nigma out of the shower yet?”

“I don’t believe he intends to shower. He doesn’t seem to mind the smell, nor do I, you humans put way too much importance on personal hygiene.”

The Black Cloaked Man’s reaction to the Red Bee and Nigma’s defeat at the hands of what could only be called the LMBP “Teen Titans” utterly baffled the Red Bee. He and Nigma were simply retrieved, revitalized without comment, and the plans for their next assignment were handed to them for review. Other than the exchange of a few short and meaningless comments with the Black Cloaked Man, the Red Bee had largely been ignored, and Nigma…

“Nigma eat now.”

“Nigma sleep now”

“Nigma kill someone for master? Please Master?”

It was almost nauseating, he’d never really considered the Riddler to be his equal but he had valued the man as the best possible henchman he’d been able to recruit on Legion World. But now? Nigma seemed to be able to wrap his mind around only a few very limited concepts. Eat, sleep, and kill seemed to be the extent of his comprehension. And with his newly transformed body… Hell, thirty tons of frozen reindeer guano hitting him squarely on top of his head had barely slowed him down. If they hadn’t been teleported out, he’d have been free in a few more minutes, and those three nuisances would have been eliminated.

And it wasn’t that Nigma’s method of freeing himself bothered him, much… Okay, eating his way out of that mountain of… Guano, wasn’t what he would have done but it was effective… Maybe, just maybe, the new Nigma would become the weapon he had hoped the old Nigma would already be…

But the indifference to their failure was the part that really chafed at him. It was almost as if the Black Cloaked Man knew they would fail… And that failure was part of his plan… His Plan! That was the dagger poking at his heart… he’d been reduced to henchman status… He, The Red Bee, was now a mere henchman… Things wouldn’t… Couldn’t… stay this way for long.

He wouldn’t allow it!

“As you can see, Your Majesty, the re-education of the Red Bee continues.” The Black Cloaked Man smiled as he and the Elephantine Emperor watched a view-screen connected to the helmet the Red Bee wore. Several robo-docs were busily repairing the damage done to his largely techno-organic body by Jailbait Lass’s Blasters. “By the time his body is fully repaired he will have regained his complete arrogance and ruthlessness. Before his initial defeat at the hands of the LMBP he would never have allowed a trio of mere teenage girls to defeat him so utterly. Before he was shot down by Everyday Girl, he’d never have begged for death to release him from his abject despair. The mental treatments he is now receiving will allow him to regain most of his former glory.”

“Interesting, but I still don’t understand why you’ve allowed him to retain his original head and reproductive organs. It seems to me that you’d be better off retaining just the brain and encasing it in a more durable shell.”

“Sadly, with humans that’s simply not possible, entirely too much of his ego is tied to his looks and his sexuality. Deprive him of either, even in a way where he is the only one who knows about the change, and he becomes a mere shell of his former self. This way we regain most of what he once was.”

“Then after these treatments he will easily defeat those girls?”

“Sadly, no. he will never be able to defeat Everyday Girl in single combat. The karmic balances that govern such things simply will not allow that to happen. Unfortunately, when he killed the Space Ranger, he upset the carefully controlled balance of Order and Chaos within both the LMBP and the Quank Family. It tipped the scales heavily in the favor of Chaos because the Ranger was one of the most powerful agents of Order within both the Quank Family and the LMBP. Abin, as weak willed as he is, became the prime agent of Order within the Quank Family when the Ranger died, with Pagan Lass, Everyday Girl, and Stoopid Cat all being powerful agents of Chaos. Similarly, Arachne is now the prime agent of Order within the LMBP, along with Matlock, Greybird, Thriftshop Debutante, Faraway Lad, and a few others, but without the Ranger’s karmic assistance they simply cannot offset the chaotic influences of Lucien Lad, Lard Lad, Lash Lad, Kid Cobalt, and the host of other LMBPers who gleefully embrace their collective chaotic natures.”

“If all of this is true then why do we need to invade? It seems that we would be natural allies with the majority of the LMBP.”

“Ah, that would be true if, and only if good and evil had any measurable relationship to Order and Chaos. But the two concepts simply have no known relationship to each other. It is equally possible for the utterly chaotic Lucien Lad to be an incredibly powerful force for good as it is for you, the single most powerful agent of Order left in this galaxy, to be the evil despot you know yourself to be.”

“I am the most powerful agent of Order in this galaxy? An amusing concept! Yet if it is true, and you are not the first to suggest to me that it is, then it is fated that my forces should engage and destroy the LMBP, is it not?”

“It would seem so, Your Majesty.”

Mearl Dox is the Supreme Undisputed Ruler of the Universe for a reason. Unfortunately, or maybe very fortunately, she is the only being who knows what that reason is. But the fact remains, she is the Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Were she to appear alone and unarmed aboard the Elephantine Emperor’s Flagship, he and the Black Cloaked Man would immediately prostrate themselves before her. And with a single word of rebuke from her they would instantly abandon their nefarious plans.

She doesn’t do things that way. Instead she sends cupcakes. Those who receive the cupcakes know instantly what she wants and universally comply with her wishes. No one ever contacts her, she commands them.

Except for members of the LMBP that is, but even they, as audacious and pugnacious as they are, step lightly in her presence.

Well, most of them do…

“Mearl, you home?” Everyday Girl yelled as she banged loudly on the Supreme Ruler of the Universe’s door. “Ohmygod, Mearl, like come down and open this door before someone sees us.”

“She’s Effing Crazy!” My Whee Fem muttered under her breath as she and Jailbait Lass watched from the relative safety of the scary woods. “Does she really think she can just walk up to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe’s door and demand entrance?”

“Well, she did shoot down a Madrox the Multiple Durlan Clone the last time she was here. And she does have an engraved invitation to visit Mearl anytime she feels like.”

“Okay, so why are we hiding in the woods if she’s got an engraved invitation?”

“Cuz we don’t have engraved invitations. I think that only she, Caliente, Frio, and Harbinger have them. She’s gotta get special permission for us.”

“Look, a light just came on upstairs…”

Fifteen minutes later all three girls were sitting in Mearl’s cozy kitchen sipping herbal tea and daintily nibbling on pink-icing covered cupcakes. Everyday Girl seemed totally at ease and chatted easily with Mearl, but the other two girls found it hard to open their mouths and even harder not to fidget.

“So then I decided that the only way to find out the real answers to my questions was to come and see you…” Everyday Girl finished up her retelling of their adventures by letting her story trail off hopefully.

“Dear Girl, I’d love to tell you what you want to know…” Mearl started off in a cheerfully calm voice, “but you do realize that it would change the course of future events if I did that.”

“I don’t understand, Mearl.”

“Brit, you are one of the brightest and most entertaining young people here on Legion World and your impetuous impulsiveness is one of your most endearing qualities, what would become of that if I were to reveal the course of future events to you? Would you even still be you? Or would you become a robot following a script?”

“I’ll take being a robot if it makes everything come out right… I mean if that’s what it takes to fix things, then I can live with it.”

“Sometime you’re so much like your dear departed uncle that it’s scary. Think, young lady, think! The forces that have come into play since your uncle’s death are far beyond anything the LMBP has faced before… Soon you and a select few others will be faced with decisions that will affect the universe as you know it. Do you want to trust someone else to make those decisions for you?”

“I… I trust you, Mearl… and I’m just a teenage girl, I don’t know anything… not really…” The enormity of Mearl’s statements hit her squarely as she spoke. Decisions that would affect the entire universe as they knew it? How could she possibly cope with that? She stared bleakly into her teacup. “H-how do I know I’ll make the r-right c-choices?” tears began to roll down her cheeks. “I-I’m s-scared M-Mearl, I’ve never been on m-my own before… E-even when I faced the R-red B-b-bee the first time, I knew Gram was there to back me u-up… and… and I-I thought I had Mr. Hrun and Stoopid Cat backing me up this time… b-but they never s-showed…”

“But they were there backing you up, dear girl. They were there…” Mearl placed a comforting arm around Everyday Girl’s shoulders, “they just happened to be standing a little too close to young Miss Fem’s Christmas Present…”

“Ohmygod, You mean they got…?”

“Shat upon?”

The twinkle in Mearl’s eyes as she delivered the deadpan answer caused an immediate brightening of Everyday Girl’s spirits. But the prospects of having to make universe altering decisions in the near future still weighed heavily on her mind.

“But how will I know what the right choices are?”

“How does anybody know dear? You go with what feels right in your gut. Then you wait and see how it turns out. It’s simple really.”

“Simple?”

“Simple!”

“Ohmygod, Mearl! How can it be simple? I mean, like universe altering… You’re the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, I’m just a kid!”

“A kid who’s beginning to try my patience…” Mearl’s voice suddenly took on a darker tone. “You’ve been trained from birth for this role, just think of what your uncle would have done… and do that!”

Everyday Girl stood staring at the older woman with a shocked and confused look on her face, she’d been visiting with Mearl Dox for as long as she could remember and this was the very first time that the Supreme Ruler of the Universe had ever spoken to her in anything other than a pleasant and cordial tone of voice. She looked around, confused by the sudden change, and realized that both Jailbait and My were frozen in place as an uncharacteristic darkness descended on Mearl’s normally light and airy abode.

“Mearl?”

And as suddenly as it appeared, the darkness vanished. Mearl’s normal pleasant smile was back in its accustomed place.

“I’m sorry dear, I guess I’m feeling a little melodramatic today… it happens sometimes. Why Brit, you haven’t even touched your cupcake, please eat up…”

The three girls woke up in a small glade near the hollow tree that served as the secret entrance to the Cack Dimension.

“Brit, are you sure you know where Mearl Dox’s cottage is?” Jailbait yawned.

“Yeah, we traipsed all over these woods yesterday and didn’t find it…” My added.

Everyday Girl looked around in startled confusion. “But…” She started, and then caught herself. If this was the way Mearl wanted it… who was she to argue? And anyway a rapidly fading memory left her with the single piece of knowledge she felt she needed… “…just think of what your uncle would have done… and do that!”

Tamper Lad’s Secure Undisclosed Location might as well be called Grand Central Station on some days…

“Look, Doc One, I don’t particularly care what it looks like. What I’m interested in is the unusual radiation it puts out. If we could harness that power, why I’d… Umm… I mean we would have a clean energy source that is practically limitless. Just think of what that could mean for…”

“Really, Tamper, do you expect me to believe that you’ve suddenly become entirely altruistic?”

“Well, someone is going to profit from this; why shouldn’t it be me?”

“I have no problem with you getting an honest return on your investment, say 2-3% of the net…”

**Choke** “2-3% of the NET! Doc, you’re killing me… I was thinking more along the lines of 5-6% of the Gross.” **Grumble** “After all who else can develop the technology necessary in such a short time-frame? Huh, answer me that?”

“Myself, Invisible Brainiac, Reboot, and Spannerhead, just to name the few right on top of my head… I’m positive I can suggest a few more names if I research it a little…”

“And who put you in charge of this anyway? Why should I listen to you?”

“Actually, Tamper, you did –when you asked for a grant from the Legion World Science Federation. Now, you can either accept my terms or go find funding elsewhere… But I suggest you do it quickly, I’ve already given my approval to Reboot’s request and he’s already hired IB and Spannerhead, so you’re already behind the power curve…”

“Umm… Doc, Tamper, could I get a word in here?”

Both of the scientists turned and seemed surprised to see Abin looking expectantly back at them.

“Mr. Quank I can assure you that…”

“Umm… Tamper, it’s just that I can answer many of your questions about…”

“You can what? That’s preposterous! You’re a fine janitor, and an even better hero, since you’re not a busybody in the mold of your wife and late brother, but you can’t answer…”

“It’s not radiation at all you see,” Abin who was used to people underestimating his cognitive abilities, just started talking over Tamper’s outburst, “it’s the “Annoyance Force” and it’s very similar to the Speed Force…”

“Annoyance Force? ANNOYANCE FORCE! Just how ludicrous can you be, Quank! That’s enough! I pay you quite well to clean this place… I’m not paying you to interfere in matters you cannot possibly understand… your bratty Granddaughter is responsible for most of the mess in here anyway… So get CLEANING!!!”

“”I assume that you have full control?” Doc One asked quietly.

“No, which is why I don’t use it very often. But since you turned on your force field as soon as I focused on Tamper, I decided to take a chance…”

“Come to my office first thing in the morning, Abin; give me a chance to think about what I just saw.”

“Brit, with everything that happened yesterday, I never did find out what Nobody found at the Ranger’s Gravesite. What was it?” Jailbait Lass asked as the girls stretched and prepared to walk back out of the scary woods.

“Ohmygod, I like forgot all about that… Nobody, what was it?”

Nobody left his normal position hovering over Everyday Girl’s left shoulder and swung around in front of her, with a small flourish he doffed his Lil’, lil’ Nelly Cap and reached inside. The object he retrieved was much larger than the cap itself.

“What is that? It’s glowing!” Jailbait asked.

“He’s one of…” My Whee Fem whispered almost to herself as she stared goggle eyed at Nobody, “when that Nigma thing was going to smash me… him and… somebody else appeared and pulled his feet out from under him… Who is he? What is he? He looks just like Eryk Davis Ester, but… smaller…”

**Giggle** “No One, Nobody, add My Whee Fem to the ‘always visible list.’ ‘Code zeta, zeta, best friend, beta one’ Lock and Compile.”

My started as No One popped into view hovering over Everyday girl’s right shoulder.

“She looks like Cobalt Kid’s kid sister… weird! What are they?”

“Gram calls them my personal demons… ‘cept they’re not demons or Cacks. I can’t really explain what they are… just chalk it up to my weird family…”

Everyday Girl joined Jailbait and began examining the ‘artifact’ that Nobody had retrieved from Space Ranger’s Gravesite.

“It looks like plastic, but it’s something old, look how pitted the inside of the curve is… Maybe something used to be in those little holes…”

“That’s a piece of an old computer screen, real old.” My said slowly, “There were a couple of antique computers at the Legion World Orphanage. Mr. Greybird used to use them all the time. And he used to fix them all the time too. The little holes are for… I think he called them Leds, anyway they’re tiny lights that form the images on the screen.”

“An old computer screen? Who would put an old computer screen on Uncle Spacey’s grave?”

The enormous pile of reindeer guano was gone but the smell lingered. Matlock did his best to ignore it as he combed the area looking for any clue as to where either The Red Bee and Nigma had gone or where the three girls had disappeared to.

“Well, it’s a lead pipe cinch that they didn’t leave together,” He muttered to himself, “So maybe I can get Pagan down off her high horse…” He stretched lightly as he rose from where he’d been closely examining a strange indentation in the fresh earth covering the Ranger’s grave. “Course, you’d be going nuts now too, wouldn’t you, old friend, you doted on that kid as much as she does… God I wish you was still around and able ta help us… you’d find them kids in a New York minute… Saved this old man a lotta leg-work in yer time pal…” The sound of someone approaching from behind cut off Matlock’s monologue.

“Umm… Chief?”

“Yeah Hutch, whatcha got?”

“Look Chief, I know you and the Ranger were good friends, it can wait if you want a few more minutes.” Lt. Hutch Starsky said quietly.

“Cripes, Spacey would be spinnin’ in his grave if he thought I was wasting time here while his niece is missin’. So I’ll ask again, whatcha got?”

“Well, that black box Doc One rigged up is indicating that the teleport was done by an old-fashioned Zeta Beam… One of the real old ones that leave residue all along their path…”

“A Zeta Beam? Who uses even a newer Zeta Beam anymore? A Fragging Zeta Beam… We don’t even monitor for them things anymore…” He paused for a second and rubbed his chin thoughtfully, “Spacey tol’ me once that he met this little guy… an alien… who had him confused with that space detective from old earth history… an now we find evidence of a Fraggin Zeta Beam… You guys got a line on where it came from?

“Somewhere in the asteroid belt…”

“Oh… crap, I hate wearing a transuit…”

Can't wait for the cliffhanger...