Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business Dogtime: The Musical

I realized that even though Krypto's Story is too explicit for this forum I could probably post the lyrics here without offending anyone except those with good taste. All the songs are from Ragtime. It starts with the Prologue.

Proty II: In 1998, the new Legion of Super-Heroes moved into the Ranch on the Enchanted Hill on Earth-A, and it seemed for some hours thereafter that all of the Legion's days would be kitsch and gay.

People of Earth A:
Tyroc's powers were hazy.
He was a scream. With a black dick.

Women of Earth-A: La-la-la-la-la

People of Earth A:
Vorm's pranks drove everyone crazy.
He was just mean. A sadistic prick.

Men of Earth-A: La-la-la-la-la

People of Earth A:
And there were folks from Tolkien
Without a reason or rhyme
Stunning the nations
With gay sex sensations
The people called it Dogtime!

Tab: Tab was well hung. Very well hung. Once he saw how studly he looked while wearing the Otto Orion furs he decided to keep it as his costume and to adopt the code name “Hunter”. He never got the joke.

Brad: The medical lab was Doctor Brad's domain. The Time Lord considered himself very fortunate to be in Tinwe's bed every night.

Superboy: Young Kal-el was just beginning to learn about his awakening sexual desires. He was really enjoying the learning process but couldn't help thinking that he needed something more. He hoped someday he'd find it.

Proty II: Proty was a sexless, amorphous blob of protoplasm. As the only Antarean on the planet, he was thoroughly disgusted by everything.

People of Earth A:
The gays were gently tinted
Lavender, pink, chartreuse, and lime

Tyroc: A hero who caterwauls
Superboy: Another with swollen balls
Tab: Me and my fire hose
Proty II: And these are our Heroes?

All:
And everything was Dogtime!

Chapter 2 opens with Krypto dreaming of good times with Superboy, sung to the tune of Gliding.

We are flying
Flying
To the Moon
Soaring grace
Wagging tail
Lick the face
Of Kal-el
Lead the pack
Fly with me Superboy
Fly with my master
And never
Look back....

Chapter 3 has another short vignette as Krypto wishes he were anywhere but Lex Luthor's dog cage. Sung to the tune of Atlantic City.

Let's fly away to the Legion Clubhouse
Let's break the time barrier
Plenty of fun at the Legion Clubhouse
For your terrier
With my collar and cape on we can go right away
A super-speed flight away
A place to hideaway...

Chapter 4 has Martha missing her son and thinking back to the night they found him. Sung to the tune of The Night That Goldman Spoke At Union Square.

It was winter in Smallville
And the snow began to fall
It was hard to see the road through the windshield
Then we heard a dreadful noise
And we saw the flaming ball
The night the rocket crashed in our cornfield

Jon pulled off the road real fast
And we started on our trek
I was shaking and so frightened that I squealed
When we got there all we saw
Was a baby in that wreck
The night the rocket crashed in our cornfield

In Chapter 5, Streaky is also captured by Lex. Streaky and Krypto console each other and dream of the day that they're free. Sung to the tune of Till We Reach That Day.

STREAKY:
There's a field of mice
May I live to see
Where the birds are flightless
And the catnip's free
Let the salmon spawn
Oh Bast I pray
We'll never see Pet Heaven
Till we reach that day!

KRYPTO:
It's a ball to fetch
It's to heel with pride
It's a bowl of kibble
We have been denied
Where a boy can live
And a dog can play
We'll never see Pet Heaven
Till we reach that day!

In Chapter 6, Superboy is Lex's prisoner and Krypto isn't happy about it. This is the most complete parody, but it's also my favorite song from Ragtime: He Wanted to Say.

PROTY:
He wanted to say

KRYPTO:
I am here because I have to be

PROTY:
He wanted to say

KRYPTO:
I dream of vengeance every night
Every day I wake up knowing
What it is that you have owing
Someday soon you'll see that my bark
Is not worse than my bite

PROTY:
He wanted to say

KRYPTO:
I am more than just his Superpet

PROTY:
He wanted to say

KRYPTO:
Do not blame me for my paws
We are both from Planet Krypton
And we fly with our red capes on
You'll wish we'd never met
When I get your balls in my jaws

ENSEMBLE:
Two men meeting
For a moment in a dungeon

SUPERBOY:
One licking boots

LEX:
One stomping on

ENSEMBLE:
A Superboy!
Two men finding
For a moment in a dungeon

LEX: SUPERBOY:
Fuck! I'm hard! Grife! I'm hard!

PROTY:
He wanted to say

LEX:
How I envy you that head of hair

PROTY:
He wanted to say

KRYPTO:
You have filled me with such rage
If there's such a thing as justice
I will bring Lex to his justice
This I do for Kal-el, my Master,
Who's locked in a cage

ENSEMBLE:
But all he said was

KRYPTO:
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

ENSEMBLE:
Two men meeting
In the darkness
In a dungeon
In the darkness
In a dungeon

In Chapter 7, Lex lords it over his captive. To the tune of Your Daddy's Son.

Say good bye to muscle
Say good bye to flight
Take away your powers
Take away your sight
No trips to the future
You won't make a sound
Only torture and pain
The titclamps and pain
The whips and the pain
In my dungeon deep underground
Underground
You'll be so screwed underground

In Chapter 8, Superboy is astonished to discover that he likes the treatment he's getting from Lex. Sung to the tune of New Music.

What has he done?
How did I change?
Caught by this strange Lex Luthor
Say, could I have been all wrong?

Hairless young goon
Evil and mean
I've come to fear Lex Luthor
Why, why do I crave his dong?

His fingers stroke my d***
And my drool makes it slick
And every nerve screams, "Let me c**!'
I thought I knew what need was
But grife! I was dumb!
Lex Luthor
Taunting me
And his will daunting me
Will they still call me Superboy
Now that I'm Luthor's
Red, black, and blue boytoy?

In Chapter 9 Superboy and the Super-Pets have been rescued. But Superboy knows he can't just go back to the way things were. Sung to the tune of What Kind of Woman.

What kind of hero would do what I've done?
To get such excitement from bondage and pain…
He would have thrown me in the cage,
And thrown away the key,
And thrown me o'er his naked lap
To spank me on his knee.
What kind of doggie would Lex have made me?

All that was left after that was the Epilogue.

PROTY: Krypto's Story was over as if history was no more than clunky miniseries found in the 25-cent bin. But there was still the musical finale to be endured.

TYROC: After Krypto's rescue, Tyroc flew south, to Los Angeles, where he hosted his own syndicated talk show on television.

MARTHA: The signs of dust bunnies were everywhere. The fastidious Martha Kent cleaned the castle from top to bottom and cooked meals as well.

BRONCO BILL: Bronco Bill's Archery School became in time a center for Greek America. Young devotees of Hera and Zeus came from all over Earth-A to learn everything the former centaur could teach them.

JONATHAN: Jonathan moved into the old house at San Simeon where he could listen to his Pat Boone records in peace and quiet.

STREAKY: The noble and sophisticated Streaky would grow fat on kitty treats and spend most of the day sleeping. Brrrooowww?

KAL: Superboy was hanging upside down from chains in the Celestial Suite, powerless after Vorm installed a mini red sun generator in the tower. "PLEASE KEEP HANDS IN CAR!" The sign on the roller coaster suddenly rang clear to the Kryptonian. It would be the one genuine mystical experience of his life-but was it too late? Was Luthor already reformed?

TAB: When Superboy told his teammates that he was in love with Luthor, every man, woman, and Super-Pet was astonished. The next day, Tab asked Pete Ross to move in with him.

LEX: Luthor was in traction for a month. At the end of that time, Kal asked him if he still wanted Superboy to be his dog, and Luthor accepted. They adored each other.

TINWE: Luthor was still a sadistic prick.

LANA: But he was our sadistic prick. Oh, and Comet Queen and I started hanging out together.

PETE: They had lots of steamy lesbian sex.

PROTY: One afternoon, watching his teammates play, Proty had an idea for a story: a bunch of heroes! White, Black, Orange, Elvish, Gay, Lesbian, all kinds...a Legion! A crazy Legion! Getting into leather, getting out of leather, but together, despite their differences. He was sure it would make a wonderful story, a dream of what the Legion could be. He would be first in line to read it!

KAL
I hear his growl

LEX
I feel his hardness

KAL
He enters my rear
I hear my scream

LEX
And when he has begged enough
I might even let him c**!

ALL:
And he will fly
Krypto will fly
With one hell of a team!

Chapters 5 (especially Streaky) and 6 are two of the funniest parodies I've read.

Grrrrrrr

Thanks, Seymour! I know it's a bit different from what's usually published here so I'm glad they still got a laugh.