Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board 100 Toothpicks

(Exnihil sits at the bar at SHAKES, lost in thought, slowly swirling around the last sip of his martini in the bottom of his glass. Babette, the barmaid, not used to seeing Ex so quiet, moves over to him.)


Babette: Everthing OK, Ex?

Ex (looking up): Hmmm? Oh... Babette... yeah... no... just mulling over an idea.

Babette: An idea? Uh oh... when that head of yours gets to spinning it's usually something pretty crazy that comes out. What have you got going this time?

Ex: Hmmm... yeah... not sure yet. Just a sort of half-formed thing. I was working on this big project with the LMB that wound up not coming to pass, so I'm just trying to figure out a way to even out the scales.

Babette: "Even out the scales"? Sheesh, Ex, you're a character. You're always talking like you're in some kind of old-movie or something.

Ex: No, if I wanted to sound like an old movie character I'd say something like, "The LMB ain't gonna get away with this... see? I'm gonna make 'em pay!"

Babette (suddenly remembering): Ooh! Thanks for reminding me. (taking out her holo-check pad) Semi said to tell you gotta settle your tab. It's not that he doesn't trust you... it's just getting kind of large. (passes Ex the pad).

Ex: Yeah... no problem... sorry, I meant to grab it the last time I was in... I've just been preoccupied with this LMB thing... figuring out how to make them... (his eyes just about pop out when he sees the bill).

Babette: Make them what?

Ex: Babette... tell Semi that he needs to float me for a few months.

Babette: He ain't gonna like it.

Ex: Oh, I think he will. I just figured it out and... yes... the time has come for the LMB... to pay!!!



What does Ex have up his sleeve this time???

What half-cocked idea has he come up with to settle some imagined score???

Stay tuned, Legion Worlders, as fact and fiction combine into one of the most absurd plans ever to be put into action!!!


Ugh... how long is this going to take?


Don't question the narrator! It will take as long as it takes!

OK...fine... as a good faith effort, let's kick it off... (checks omnipad)... tomorrow night(!) with:





BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!

Prelude...



(Ex takes a look at his omnipad)

Ex: Computer, bring up target number 1.

Computer: processing... processing... target acquired...





Ex: Oh, come on! Seriously? But he's like...

Computer: ... ten hours away, sir.

Ex: Oh, for Pete's sakes. (shrugs) Well... a drink's a drink, I suppose. I guess I better get going. Payback never tasted so sweet.

Ex: Time hack, Computer.

Computer: You are proceeding well ahead of schedule, sir. Target interception in three hours.

Ex: Three hours? Ah, that is ahead of schedule. He won't even be at the location for another six!

Computer: Are you capable of amusing yourself for the remaining three, sir?

Ex: Am I capable of amusing myself? That's what you're asking? Trust me... there I times I feel all I ever do is amuse myself.

May 25th, 7PM:

(Paladin, sitting across the table from Ex, listens as Ex finishes explaining his idea. He raises an eyebrow.)


Paladin: OK. I think I've got it... but... um... why do I have to buy you a drink, again?

Ex (sighing): What have I just been talking for the last hour, Lardy? It's to even out the scales.

Paladin: Yeeeeeeah... see... no... I don't think that adds up.

Ex: Sure it does.

Paladin: But what about the distance that has to be covered to accomplish it? Doesn't that sort of offset...

Ex: Nevermind all that, Lardy... just smile for the holo.





Paladin: You're a bit of odd duck, Ex. You know that, right?

Ex (grinning): An odd duck... like a fox. OK computer. Mission complete. Where to next?

Computer: processing... processing... target acquired...



Ex: Man... can't we at least do this in some sort of geographic order?



Up next:

My Cobie-sense is tingling.

Yet...I can't turn down a martini...

Ex: Time hack, computer.

Computer: Exact time indeterminate at this point, sir; we are, however, in definite sight of the event horizon. My best estimate is... within the next 75 hours.

Ex (drumming fingers): Excellent... it is all coming together...

I KNEW we'd eventually have to shell out some cash.

Do you accept IOUs?

Computer: Target number two successfully locked in, sir. Twenty-seven hours to contact.

Ex: Perfect... lay in a course.

Computer: Course mapped... ... ... you should wear a tie.

Ex: For the last time... I'm not wearing a damn tie!

Why did I wake up with a cold chill this morning? Did I have a nightmare?

And why am I wearing jeans to work today?

May 31st, 11:30AM

(Cobalt Kid looks up from his lunch as Exnihil walks through the door. He is suddenly overcome by a feeling of trepidation. Ex waves.)

Ex: Hiya, Cobie!

Cobie (uneasily) : Oh... hi, Ex! (shaking his head, to clear the misgiving) Ugh... sorry if I sound a bit off-center. I just had the weirdest nightmare last night... and I sort of have a strange feeling like you were in it.

Ex: Me? (laughing as he pulls up a chair) Why don't I order a drink and you can tell me all about it?

Cobie: Oh! Uh... sure... what is it you drink, again? Martini, right? Waiter...!

Ex: Thanks. Oh, and Cobie...

Cobie: Yeah?

Ex: I seem to have... forgotten my wallet!


BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!


Cobie (looking around): Whoa... did you just hear music?

Ex: No, sorry.

Cobie (shrugs): Hey, nice outfit by the way... although a tie would really bring it all together.

Computer: I told him so!

Ex: OK, Computer... where to next? I'm thinking that we're pretty close to Qui...

Computer: Actually, sir... if you were simply to make a left at this next block, you might be able to intercept one of the more recent additions to the LMB:



Ex: Sweet! Lay in the coordinates.





May 31st, 5:00PM

(Ex walks into the restaurant where Shining Son is dining. Shiney looks up and, almost as if he senses what's coming, beats Ex to the punch)

Shining Son: Ah... Exnihil is it? If you're here on that "quest" you mentioned when the project fell through, I feel obliged to remind that I actually stuck with it to the end.

(Ex realizes that Shiney's got a point. This is going to require the big guns.)

Shining Son (continuing): The whole principle that all the "projectbusters" owe you one simply doesn't apply to... wh... what are you doing?

(Ex gives sad puppy eyes)

Shining Son: Mr. Nihil... that's not going to wor...

(Ex gives sadder puppy eyes)

Shining Son: Are you serious? Do you really think...

(Ex gives even sadder puppy eyes)

Shining Son (sighing): Oh, fine... sit down if you're sitting down... but you're not getting a holo pic!

Ex (rubbing his hands as he sits down): Sure, sure... whatever you say... no pic... but bring on the drinks! w00t!






Later...



Ex: All righty! Only one week in and already I've got three down! This thing is going to be easier than I thought.

Computer: Even easier, sir... if the next stop is any indication.

Ex: What do you mean?

Computer: If my calculations are correct, sir, at your next stop you will be able to solicit a drink from not one... but two LMBers.

Ex: Doubles???

Computer: Well... no, sir... technically that would make four drinks, so...

Ex (ignoring the computer): Doubles! So who are the targets?

Computer: processing... processing... targets acquired...




Ex: Sweet!!!





That's right... thread watchers... our next mission is a double sized extravaganza with:

Ex: All right there, computer... how long before Abin and Quis split the next round?

Computer: ...processing... processing... approximately nine days, sir.

Ex: Nine days?!?!?! What kind of nonsense is that? You call yourself a day-planner?

Computer: Actually, sir, I call myself nothing of the sort. I have several billion additional capabilities that you've yet to even...

Ex: Never mind all that... there's drinking to be done. All right... what can I do this weekend?

Computer: ...scanning... ah... this should please you, sir. If we adjust our bearing to the southwest, we should be able to intercept one of your oldest LMB friends.

Ex: Yeah? Let's see the display...

Computer:




Ex: Sweet! What's the time hack?

Computer: 25 hours to intercept.

Ex: Aw, hells yeah. Lay in the course.

Computer: We will have to adjust the Chapter solicitation, sir...

Ex: Aw, don't fret that. These are DC Comics fans... they're used to it. Let's call it:

June 7th, 2PM



Kenaustin: Ex... we've been buddies for a long time, right?

Ex: Right from the beginning, brother.

Ken: So you know I'd tell you if I thought one of your projects were a little too ambitious?

Ex: Absolutely, Kenny... you're a straight shooter... a square G.

Ken: Yeeeeeeah... I have no idea what that means, Ex... but, anyway... 100 martinis? Don't you think that's a little much?

Ex: Well... I don't know if I'll get 100 martinis out of it... 100 toothpicks on the other hand...

Ken: So... these don't count?

Ex: What do you mean?

Ken: Well... they don't have toothpicks... they've got little plastic swords.



Ex: Oh, for the love of...! Ah, that's all right... I'll just pick up double at the next stop.

Ken: Who are you targeting next?

Ex: I've got a double date with Abin and Qui....

Computer (interrupting): Actually, sir... if you continue due north, there is a far easier target.

Ex: Who's that?

Computer: processing... processing... target acquired:



Ex: Really? How far?

Computer: Approximately 7 hours to intercept.

Ex: Shoot... that's nothing. Lay in the course. Ooh! And adjust the solicit again.

Computer: Already taken care of, sir. Up next:

June 7th, 9PM



Lancesrealm: So... what you're saying is that "shaken" really isn't better than "stirred"?

Ex: Exactly! That whole thing only got started because it sounded good in those spy holos. The real trick is in the proportion. You want to use 4 parts vodka to one part... say... uh... Lance?

Lance: Yeah, Ex?

Ex: What the heck kind of martini is that you're drinking?

Lance: This? Oh this is real simple to make. It's just one part beer.

Ex: B... beer?

Lance: Yep. Oh... and definitely not shaken.






Up next:









And this time... we mean it!

Sweeeeeet! Thanks for sharing these, Ex!

*starts looking up places that make really good martinis, for when Ex gets to go to the Philippines*

That would be a very wet road trip.

"Where we're going... we don't need roads."


(Double checks navigation computer)


Oh, crap. I spoke too soon... apparently we do need them.

Hmmm... how is that Trans-Pacific highway coming?

I knew it would trigger that quote.

I like how Lance is rockin' a 'tache!

Grew it around the time I turned 16. Had it ever since, except for the Nair prank my sister played on me. I got her back though...

I think you're officially my latest LMB mancrush, Lance!

Run while you can!!!

You are the weirdest bunch of straight folk.

^ said with love ^