Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board Every 10 Years Forum Bad Christmas Gifts

No one likes getting bad Christmas gifts! *chirp of emphasis*


Make note of the following items that you should never ever EVER buy for anyone unless you dislike them:


1) Fruitcakes. I mean, really, I can't believe they still MAKE these! *repulsed shudder* I would have thought those fruitcake manufacturer people who have, like, gone out of business years ago!

2) Fake fish on a plaque that sing. Could there, like, BE anything more annoying? *derisive snort*

3) Clothes from Wal-Mart. If one must purchase an item as a gift from Wal-Mart, make it a gift certificate! *chirp of emphasis* At least then, the receiver can, like, spend it on a dvd or cd or something!

4) Those summer-sausage dealies you buy at Hickory Farms. THOSE are sure to lead to a massive coronary!

Men.

And those sausages don't necessarily have to be eaten, you know.

I bet you didn't know that, Umber.

Stick with Anti-Lad and me, grrrl. We'll teach you and your little friend Amber all sorts of things that will make your eyes pop out of your head!

Ummm, like, aren't you 2 kinda old to be hanging out with a teenager...?

No. I was assembled less than four months ago.

Umber, I am afraid that I must respectfully disagree with you on your selections. Everyone is different dear, and so I submit that:

#1 - My family has purchased a traditional holiday fruitcake from The Collin Street Bakery, Texarkana, Texas, every Christmas for the past 40 years. It is a happy and delicious tradition, for us, and we send other types of fruitcake from the same bakery for other occasions. Grandmother's birthday (she's 97 now) is pineapple fruitcake, and Easter is always apricot fruitcake. These are expensive cakes, about $30 each. Each slice is like gold, and loaded with pecan and buttery yumminess.

#2 - The Singing Bass was a perfect gift for my 'mountain man' and wilderness nut brother Greg. The holiday singing bass which wishes everyone Merry Christmas after singing, is adorable in it's little Santa hat. How can you resist that?

#3 - Clothing from Wal Mart. I do not make a habit of purchasing clothing from Wal Mart. But nor would I lie. So, I admit at Halloween they had some bitchin witch related t-shirts, and I bought those. I also bought some seasonal sweaters which were embroidered and appliqued with beads and sequins. I didn't care where they came from, they were festive and I wanted them. Oh, and Wal Mart was the only place in a sixty mile driving radius where I could get the Kokopelli collection for my southwestern inspired bathroom design.

#4 - Hickory Farms..... Well, I remember receiving those pretty packages and our mouths watering as we looked at those mysterious baskets and trays under the Christmas tree. But I also remember the meat was greasy, and the cheese was pasty, and the chocolate tasted more like soap. So, okay, you may be correct about Hickory Farms.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and the Boyz!

Perhaps the quintessential American sourpuss said it best:

"Despite its utter folly and futility," wrote the great Mencken, "we still
cling to the custom of exchanging Christmas presents, just as we cling
absurdly to the stiff-bosomed shirt, the backless piano-stool, the novels
of Charles Dickens, the loose rug...political oratory...and all the other
lingering relics of an extinct and inferior civilization."

That being said, I'm rather fond of fruitcakes myself.

Umber, perhaps you should clue us in as to what would be good Xmas gifts? No doubt everyone would value some gift suggestions.

I absolutely refuse to give up on #2 or #4.

However, I am open to good ideas for gifts I buy for people OTHER than myself.

Miss Caroline,

As long as the fruitcakes cost at least $30 then I guess it's okay. Still I would only reccommend giving them to someone you want to get fat. Like your best friend who's maybe just a li'l bit too cute for her own good! *chirp of emphasis*

And I never said buying Halloween costumes at Wal-Mart was off-limits. Just don't give them as Chirstmas gifts! *amused titter*

And I'm sorry but nothing excuses that fake plastic singing fish plaque thingie!

Now, per Miss Cramer and Mr. Boy's requests, here's a list of CANNOT-GO-WRONG Christmas gifts! *excited squeal*

1) BLING-BLING The bigger and guadier and shiner the better. And it's unisex! *chirp of emphasis*

2) CASH MONEY Nothing makes a little one's eyes light up like the joy of finding several crisp $100 bills in their Christmas stocking! Another unisex gift!

3) CONVERTIBLES A BMW or Spyder is preferred but another brand will suffice in a pinch. NO Fords! *shudder of revulsion* Go with a dark metallic color for boyz or a lighter shade for girlz!

4) THE NEW BLINK-182 CD It like, totally kicks ASS! *chirp of emphasis*

What's your opinion of gift certificates, Umber?

I'm glad you asked, Miss Thriftshop! *happy coo*

I am a strong advocate of gift certificates, especially if one has a hobby.

My hobby is looking hotter than that spoiled little bitch Cammy Johns does, so I frequently request gift certificates from expensive boutiques.

And GC's work well for boyz too because you can, like, get 'em one from their favorite stupid sports shop or whatever!

Umber, do you have tips for people who receive gift certificates for stores they don't like?

And what about donating money to a charity as a gift?

Sometimes GCs from icky stores are, like, a sorta blessing in disguise!

When I get a GC from a store I don't like, I do 1 of 2 things:

1) Give it away to someone else for either Chirstmas or Birthday. This saves you from buying someone a gift, which is sorta a gift unto itself! To you!!!!

or

2) Use the GC to go buy the person who gave it to you something for Christmas or Birthday. Just be sure to wear dark shades and a scarf when you shop in the icky store. And make sure you get them something tacky! *naughty titter*


Hmmmm. Charity. I dunno. What have they done for me lately? *quizzical hum*

Umber, what do you consider to be a good Father's Day gift?

Surely your not shooting for another offspring, are you Cobie? I would have thought that the last one would have cured you of that idea!

Gee, Cobalt Kid, I dunno.

I never had to buy a father's Day gift. Or a Mother's Day gift either. *longing sigh*

I was kinda raised in an orphanage on Earth-2 until that wormhole-dealie accidentally brought me, Ashe, Brock and Cliff to this earth.

But don't most Dads like to sit on their asses watching football? My suggestion would be a new TV! One of those flat-screen thingies.

Umber, I've tried to tell you this before. You see, the reason I don't hit on you anymore is this: I've learned you are my daughter. The child of Thora and I was sent back through time to Earth 2, in a freak science accident. All I know is her name is Umber. Though we're about the same age now, I can say with all my heart that you are still my daughter. As weird as it might sound, we're family. So, although I never repair what you've lost, the next time you let out a longing sigh, I want you to know you can come to me for some company . I know this is hard for you, so I'll give you whatever time you. But I'll be waiting for a hug...