Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board Every 10 Years Forum jokes old maried couples might appreciate

Heres one i heard recently that made me smile.


A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

That's it!" She blows her top, "You blighter! You waltz in here, flop your fat behind down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
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The husband sighed. "Oh bu99er, it's started........

Stan comes home and he's yelling and screaming. Concerned, his wife Judy runs in and asks,"What's wrong?"

Stan replies,"There's nothing wrong, I just hit the lottery. Go upstairs and get packed.!"

Judy says,"Oh hooray. A vacation (holiday for our friends across the pond). What should I bring? Should I pack for the beach? Or should I pack to see Paris? Tell me!"

Without missing a beat, Stan says,"Dear, I don't care where you pack for, just get your things and get the hell out!!"

It's Sunday morning, and Father Jonas knows something's amiss. Gladys has shown up alone, and instead of joining the choir like she and her husband usually do, she sits in the back pew and quietly sobs.

After the service, he approaches her. "Gladys? What's wrong? Where's your husband?"

"He... passed away last night," she says, starting to wail.

"I am so sorry for your loss, Gladys. Tell me, did he have any last words for you?"

"Yes," she replies, collecting herself. "He said, 'For god's sake, Gladys, put down that gun!'"

and the night before Kents Joke the conversation may have gone something like this

A husband had just finished reading a new book, "You can be the man of your house".

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!"

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I've finished eating my meal you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterwards. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so that I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. After that's all done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my guess."

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

All you have to do is to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
24. tidy
25. very clean
26. athletic
27. affectionate
28. affable
29. attentive
30. ambitious
31. amenable
32. articulate
33. bold
34. brave
35. creative
36. courageous
37. complimentary
38. capable
39. decisive
40. intelligent
41. imaginative
42. interesting
43. prudent
44. patient
45. polite
46. passionate
47. respectful
48. sweet
49. strong
50. skilful
51. supportive
52. sympathetic
53. tolerant
54. understanding
55. someone who loves shopping
56. someone who doesn't make problems
57. someone who never looks at other women
58. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:

59. are neither jealous nor disinterested
60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than
with her
61. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:

62. Not forget the dates of:
* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
* graduation
* birthday
* menstruation

However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly,
you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could
one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life
with you and run off with the first wild b*stard-bohemian-drunk-
bon viveur she meets...


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Let him play with your tits

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. "Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing "We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!"

An older fellow was in to see the doctor for his regular check-up.

"Any stool problems? Bladder problems?" asks the doctor.

"No. And with my poor vision, God helps me when I need it," the old man replies.

"Really?" the doctor asks. "How's that?"

"Well, I used to worry about bumping into something and falling at night, on the way to the loo. But God lights my way when I need to go at night, and he turns the light off when I'm done."

The doctor is amazed and impressed. He talks to the man's wife about the experience.

"Dear God! He's pissing in the fridge again!"

A mother fed up with her little boy missing the toilet when going for a wee and constantly wetting the floor and wall took him to the doctors.
"He has a small penis" the doctor said, "Give him two rounds of toast every day and that should put matters right, give it more growth, and it in turn will improve his aim"
The following day the young lad came down to breakfast only to find twelve rounds of toast on the table. "The doctor said I only had to have two slices" he said. "I know" said his mother. "The other 10 slices are for your father".

I don't get any of these...

And in a similar vein to Numf's ways to make a woman happy

10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

1. ----------
2. ---------
3. ---------
4. ---------
5. ---------
6. ---------
7. ---------
8. ---------
9. ---------
10. THEY HAVE BOOBS.

A pharmacist (Chemist for those across the pond) was showing the new guy the ropes. He pointed to the display of condoms and said "They are packaged 3 ways, a 3 pack for high schoolers, a 6 pack for college kids, and a 12 pack for married couples." The new guy asked why they are packaged that way. The pharmacist says "The 3 pack for high schoolers is one for Friday, one for Saturday, & one for Sunday. The 6 pack for the college kids is two for Friday, two for Saturday, & two for Sunday."

"And the 12 pack for married couples?"

"One for January, one for February, one for..."

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in

Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

Since the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk

with the old woman.


The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,

"Good trade"

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your Grandads underpant?

Your Grandmother.

A woman is resting after giving birth to her baby. The doctor comes in to her room, and he says, "I have something to tell you about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "Well now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that?"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis, and... a brain?!?"

A young couple take their two year old son Johnny on a trip to the zoo.
Johhny is amazed at all the animals and especially likes the monkey house and the elephants.
Johhnys dad goes to buy ice cream and leaves Johnny and his mum by the elephant enclosure.
"Mu-um!!" cried Johnny, in that loud voice two year olds ALWAYS use when asking embarrassing questions in public.

"Mu-um! What's that?" he asks pointing at the bull elephant.
"That's the elephant dear"
"No-oo! Whats that dingly dangly thing ON the efelant?"
"That's it's trunk dear. It's what we call the elephants nose. You see elephants do.."
"NO-OO! What's that dingly dangly thing between the efelants legs?"
"Oh that, tha, that's nothing dear." says his mum blushing.
"BUT MU-UM!!"
"IT'S NOTHING!!"
just then the dad comes back with the ice cream and mum runs off, claiming to need the toilet.

"Da-ad?"
"Yes son?"
"What's that?"
"That's an elephant."
"NO! What's that dingly dangly thing on the efelant?"
"That's the elephants nose, we call it.."
"NO-OH! What's that dingly dangly thing between the efelants legs!?"
"Oh that? That's it's penis."
"Penis? Mum said that was nothing!"

Dad looks smug and says,

"Son? I spoil that woman, so I do."

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really ticked-off so she told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

heh