Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board Every 10 Years Forum Welcome to the Legion World Witch...uh.... Traitor Trials.

Right, after much whacking and poking with porcupines I, Lucien Lad, have decied that enough is enough. The only way to really decide who Red Bee actually is, is to have a Witch... uh... Traitor Trial. Ah, you say, this sounds like a job for Quis! But what's this? It's the sound of me whacking you round the chops with my sword (fnar fnar) and your foolishness. Quis? A *lawyer*? Feh, no I have a much better idea. Oh yes, muuuuuuuch better.

Yes, I herby declare myself Witchfinder General. Ooh, no I don't, Traitorfinder General. And who gives me that right to apoint myself as the judge? Why God of course. Or, to be more specific, me on one of my more extravegant ego trips (have you ever been on one of my ego trips? You really should if you get the chance. Utterly fabulous and one of the nicest and most stable egos you're ever likely to encounter. Plus, you know, God).

Yes, I have a divine right to judge who is the traitor. OK, so i don't actually have any idea who it might be (assuming of course Red Bee *is* an alt ID, but even if he's not I still get to be judge. Yay!). See, as the Judge (capital J now, see?) I have a faaabulous new outfit. I've gone for a royal purple robe with gold brocade trim, a nice lacy shirt and a wig, because all judges wear wigs. Of course since it is I being the judge it is a Dolly Parton-esque wig, but it's still very fetching.

I suppose I should really have a jury, but since there are so many untrustworthy beasts running round here (and hey, I'm one of them so i should know) I shall appoint the jury myself. Obviously there will be me, because I am of course going to be the foreman and then hilaaaarious conversations can ensue where I have to talk to myself and I can do a funny voice so you can tell who I'm being when I'm being the Judge and when I'm being the foreman. It'll be comedy gold, believe me.

Hmmm, and I think the Porcupine Attack Squad need to be on teh jury too, although they might need to be witnessing. Actually, I tell you what since they're only trained porcupines and aren't really all that bright thy can be the lawyers. Bwaahahhhhaaahahahahahahha!!!!! Oh, I slay myself, I really do. Sorry Quis, I couldn't resist.

Oh, by the way I think possibly the baliffs (ie, the Brads actually wearing clothes) should probably ban Quis from the Courtroom since he might actually spot that I'm nto doing things strictly by the book and all that.

OK, so yeah, jury. Can we have the ghost of Faraway? He might be quite useful. Someone check that out. Do a seance or something. If not can we have his corpse? No? Shame. Try the seance anyway.

Well Princess Crujectra is trustworthy so she can be on the jury. Plus she'll coordinate with whatever I'm wearing since she has class. Beagle Boy can be a jury too since he's my official stalker. Yay! OK, good jury. There may only be three of us (ok, ninety-four if you count the porcupines) but we're very good. I should know since I'm the Judge.

OK, what now. Hmmm. Traditionally I believe for a trial we should have lawyers and witnesses and defense and all that kind of rubbish, but really I can't be bothered. I'd just lose interest anyway and stop paying attention and that wouldn't work properly.

So, no lawyers or anything. That's a waste of time. So what we're going to do is this. One by one the residents of Legion World will line up in front of me and I shall ask them if they are the traitor. If they say 'no' then i will know that they are probably lying, so i will whack them with the flat of my sword. If they say 'ow' or something like that, then I will know they have something to hide and whack them again. If they still won't admit that they are the traitor then I'll look at them reeeeeeally closely in a sort of squinty way, like this...

*looks suspiciously and squintily*

... and they will be so unnerved that they will probably tell em the truth. Then I shall ask the jury what they think and if they think that the suspect is telling the truth then the suspect will be allowed to go and sit at the accused table since they might still be lying.

Now of course if when I first ask someone if they are the traitor they say 'yes' then I will know that they are either lying or being mind controlled. *or* they really are the traitor. Oooh, or they just don't want to be whacked with the sword and so are seeing if by saying 'yes' if they'll get away with it.

Of course they won't. Whack whack whackity whack, I shall go. Then I will ask them again and say 'if you really *are* the traitor then what is your plan?' and thusly trick them into revealing their evil plan and why they are doing what they are doing.

Hot damn, who needs detectives or security officers when I'm around? I'll have this thing sorted in a matter of hours. Unless I get bored of course.

OK, so please call the first suspect forth...

HUH? what am I doing here?

Morning Deddy (or afternoon, or evening. Eh, who cares, I'm loving myself sick in my Dolly Parton Judge wig so I don't care what time of the day it). How are you? Feeling good? How does it feel to be the first suspect of these Trials? Excited, proud, guilty, traitorous?
WHACK!!!!!!
ARE YOU THE TRAITOR DEDMAN!!!! TELL ME OR I WILL WHACK YOU AGAIN!!!

hee hee...that tickles, do it again!!!!

heh heh heh, OK.

Whack whack whack.

Sigh, you're no fun to interogate Dedman. Hmmmm...

OK, if you promise me that you're not the traitor you can be assistant judge. You don't get capital letters though, and only I am allowed to whack the suspects with my sword. You can whack them with anything else that comes to hand though. Deal?

sounds like a plan

>pulls out offical whacking stick<

ok, next victim....umm, witness!!!!

Ah-ha! That's the spirit!

And remember they're not witches or victims or toys, they are *suspects*. Or possibly witnesses, I dunno, I wasn't paying attention in Law class. Not that I ever went of course, but hey I could have done. They have certain rights and something or other and yadda yadda yadda.

Although actually since I have been appointed by a higher power (higher then you lot anyway. Not higher than me because it was me) *and* this is a time of war (as declared by me) then all rights and priveleges are no longer automatically upheld if it stops me doing things.

All that being said you have to remember that there is a fine line to walk between a hard-arse and masterful in a crisi situation and being an evil dictator. If you need any help recognising that line... well, don't ask me. I rely on the Brads to point out when I'm going too far but they're my servants so as a whole they don't really like to criticise me. I guess the only advice I can give is.... don't be evil. Or the traitor. Because that would make a mockery of this whole procedure.

OK, lets carry on. You can sit on that stoll next to my big throne Deddy and have a little Tammy Winette-esque wig. look, it has a weeny pale blue sequined cowboy hat attached to the top. And don't look at me like that, you may not think it goes with your image but as assistant judge (non-capitalised) you must wear the appopriate headgear.

Right, NEEEEEEEXT!!!

hmmm....the hat REALLY clashs with my cowl. This just won't do....be back in a sec.
>vanishes with the sound of 100,000 people saying 'foop'<

>reappears with the sound of 100,000 people saying 'wop'<

This is better.....black leather, with silver accents and lots of blue sparkly bits. And hat and wig of course!!!

And welcome to Kangeroo Court with your judge... Boxing Bevis!

Yay! country and western wigs, porcupines and now kangaroos! Yay! Being Judge *rocks*.

Oh, by the way Reboot, you're looking mighty suspicious there. Are you secretly someone else? Do you secretly have another half that has betrayed the LMBP and done, like, stuff... erm... bad stuff. I think.

Dammit, I just can't pretend to actually care, I'm just enjoying being Judge.

However, I also enjoy watching cartoons and then going to bed, so that's what I'm going to do now. Deddy (loving the leather by the way, tres chic), I'm leaving you in charge until I get back. As aSsistant jUdge (with second letters capitalised to denote that while you are not as important as me you are temporarily in charge) I expect you to uphold the rules of the Courtroom as you would expect me too.

So, you know, let your whims take you.

Anyway, I believe 'boot was next in line. Take it away Deddy m'boy, I'll be back in a few hours.

>WHACK<

Vere is de microfelm?

>WHACK<
>WHACK<
>WHACK<

You must be guilty of something....CONFESS!!!!

>WHACK<

sometimes i enjoy this work too much

I'll just wait patiently behind Reboot.

Ah HA!!
Me am guilty!!
Bizarro Cobalt LOVE fat girl Goth witches!
...and McDonalds quarter pounders with cheese.
Who do I get to whack now?

Bevis dear, if you don't watch yourself, I'm going to put you to work in the Psyonian Diplomatic Corps. There isn't anywhere near enough whacking going on there. I'm confident that you can show my boys how its done

Everybody!

Bad bees bad bees Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they sting for you

Bad bees bad bees Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they sting for you

Bad bees bad bees Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they sting for you

Boo!
Am hating whacking bees!
whish

whish

whish

Stand still bees!
whack
Ha ha! Whack chairs too!!
whack
Guilty!
whack
Guilty!
whack
Guilty!

How not fun!

Right, I'm back, and clearly these trials are descending into farce. For a start only people wearing country and western wigs are allowed to do any whacking. That means you Bizarro Cobalt. Or, possibly it doesn't. Besides I know you're guilty of something, unless of course it's all part of some terribly intircate plot and we're meant to belive you are a bad guy but secretly are a good guy who has been brainwashed into thinking you are a bad guy so that us good guys will beat you up and then be less one good guy and it will all be horrible.

Hmmm.....

Cobie? The court calls Cobalt Kid to the stand. I have a sneaking suspicion that Cobalt Kid *isn't* Cobalt Kid and is secretly someone else prentednign to be Cobie and Bizarro Cabie is really Cobie but doesn't know he is. Either that or he's Lardlad who isn't insane and evil. Or at least no more insane and evil than normal.

Ooooh, there is some serious need for whacking here.

By the way, are we looking for a microfilm now as well? I suspect it was a joke, but hey, this whole trial is so we're now on the lookout for Red Bee, who Red Bee really is, who Cobie, Bizarro Cobie, Lardlad and Yellow Kid all think they are but really are *and* a microfilm containing Hitler's invasion plans or possibly a secret prophecy that may or may not reveal vital information with regards to the general Legion Worls Crisis.

Oh, and Cru honey I'd *love* to be an ambassador. I'm very good at being diplomatic don't'cha know.

Right, back to the trail. Who's next? (whack whack whack)

Well, I've been standing in the queue for a while...

oops, sorry. I got distracted.

Hello Juan. Did you enjoy standing in the queue? Or did being ignored for so long make you feel angry? Jealous, maybe? Sort of like you wanted to teach the LMBP a lesson? WITH BEES?!!???!!!!

*whack whack*

did it? DID IT?!!!

*whack whack*

ARE YOU THE TRAITOR???!!!!

*whack whack whack*

Nah, not bees. Amoebae, maybe.

The Red Bee is an AltID?

Whooda Thunk It!!!

Hee Hee Hee

I thought you'd get tired whacking my forcefield quicker than you did. Hmm... *updates dedman protocol, teleports out*

I refused to be wacked by anyone wearing what you are wearing.