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Another bloody remake. pun intended. (f words)
#566349 04/22/07 04:20 PM
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I just posted this as a blog on myspace but thought Id put it here aswell...

attention hollywood : Please find an original idea.

coming in the near future :
A TALE OF TWO SISTERS - Remake of confusing, if beautifully shot Korean film. hopefully the remake might clarify the story somewhat. Anticipating.


ANGUISH - Remake of stylish 1987 Spanish movie ("Angustia") about a killing spree that occurs in a cinema, vicitms being killed in concurence to the murders on the movie within a movie played out on the screen...though its been awhile since Ive seen it so details might be off. Thankyou SBS. Anticipating.


THE BAD SEED - Eli Roth directed remake of a 1956 oscar winner in which a seemingly perfect daughter inherits her Grandmothers sociopathic tendencies. Remade in 85. Its Eli Roth, so ofcourse Im anticipating. Eagerly Anticipating.


BATTLE ROYALE - Remake of a Japanese film from 1999 in which a dystopian future Japanese society passes the Millennium Educational Reform , "AKA the "BR act" as a way of controlling delinquent teenagers. Once a year a randomly selected class of students is kidnapped and taken to an isolated island and fitted with explosive colars. A televised deathmatch ensues and if after 3 days a winner is not declared, everyone dies via explosives rigged into the colars.

The ultimate "Dead Teenager Movie", Battle Royale is the fucking Roxxor, and if Hollywood fucks it up I will punch a baby. well...ok not punch a baby, but Ill certainly write a very nasty letter to Neil Moritz. And probably get drunk. My advice? Get Keith Giffen to script it since he knows the material inside out (having translated the Manga) and get Tarantino to direct since he's such a fan. Anticipating...Nervously.


THE BIRDS - For those of you out there who refuse to admit that there were movies made before 1993 (yes you) "The Birds" is a 1963 Hitchcock movie about...well...killer birds. Its a lot scarier then it sounds. It stars Melenie Griffith's mother (Tippi Hedren) who famously had live birds hurled a her face during the filming of a particularly brutal scene towards the end, something I would very much like to do to Kristy one day.

Hitchcock remakes have been royaley ballsed up before - Gus Van Sant Im looking in your direction - however, that being said, if "Disturbia" is any indication then this might actually be atleast halfway decent. Likely as though we'll just get another piece of genre fluff more akin to "Bats" (1999) then anything of any real substance. And if I hear the line "Im motherfucking sick of these mothefucking birds in this motherfucking attic", Ill eat a puppy sandwich.


CRAWLSPACE - Remake of a 1972 made for TV movie which you're never likely to see, and Im slightly surprised that Ive seen. Thankyou late night cable television. plotwise it revolves around an old couple finding a dissafected youth living within - you guessed it - Their crawlspace...and from what I remember it was really fucking creepy. leastaways it was at 14 or however old I was when I originally saw it. Anticipating? Meh...not really. depends who's in it I guess. Maybe they could get that Rocky Marquette to star...and get naked again...*sigh*


THE CRAZIES - Remake of an oft overlooked 1973 Romero movie (Thats George A. for the uninitiated) . The Crazies is the story of one small towns descent into madness by way of its water supply being infected with the untested bio-warfare virus codenamed "Trixie" (and now you know why I constantly called you that when you were on the rag). Its pretty good and shares alot of similar themes with NOTLD, particularly the military's concerns in the matter and is also out on DVD so you should catch it if you get a chance. It plays out more of a straight drama than NOTLD but the premise works : that the human race is a hell of a lot scarier then a man in a gorilla suit with a space helmet or some other such made up monster. Hopefully the remake will be more "Dawn of the Dead" (2004) then "Day of the dead 2 : Cantagiom" (2004)(thankyou bit-torrent for that peice of crapulence). Anticipating I guess.


THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON - Remake of the classic 1954 Fish meets girl Universal feature, the Creature from the Black Lagoon involves a group of scientists encountering the uber cool looking Gill-man on the amazon river.

Despite numerous (understate much) appearences over the years in everything from "Family Guy" to "Stephen Kings It" Im pretty sure ol' Gillman was the only one of the Universal monsters to not be updated over the years...and before you go throwing "The Invisible Man" out there Ive got two words for you : Hollow. Man. Apparently Peter jackson was attached to a version of this sometime after "Frighteners" (1995), which is interesting that he went on to direct the updated "King Kong" (2006) as its thematically the same movie.

Does it need an update? I think so...granted the original was pretty damned cool, but Id seriously love to see what someone like Stan Winston could do with the suit. And I do mean suit...no crappy "Species"-esque CGI here thankyou very much. And get Wheddon to direct. Anticipating.


DAY OF THE DEAD - Im wondering if this is a Sequel to 2004's Dawn instead of a Remake of the original 1985 "Day of the dead". In anycase, the original concerns a zombie attack on a Military base (there's that danged army again Mr. Romero) and is an unexpectedly Grim change of pace from the black comedy of the original "Dawn of the Dead" (1978). You know Im anticipating this because I do so love a Zombie movie. And I wish to see Steve Carrol as "Bub". Best not to ask me why.


DEAD DAUGHTERS - Remake of a Russian movie that only just came out. Why bother? Are you going to Remake "Night Watch"(2004) now? Answer - you better bloody not. Anticipating? let me see the original first.


DEATH LINE - Remake of a 1972 English movie, its a sort of "Hills have eyes" meets "Creep" (1997/2006 and 2004 respectively) involving a group a cannibalistic mutants living beneath the London Underground (train network). shonky production values aside its a nifty little movie, but then production values have never really bothered me. (though there are some exceptions to that rule...*cough* "Sickle/Slaughterhouse Massacre" (2005) *cough*). Could be good. Anticipating.


DON'T LOOK NOW - The main reason I will always be deathly afraid of Midgets...excuse me, those who are afflicted with Achondroplasia...the original "Don't look now" is about an English (they were English right? anyone but me seen this?) couple living in Venice who begin seeing a childlike figure in red after befriending by a pair of nutty old psychic ladies who have apparently been in contact with Their dead daughter. Now Im not usually the type to get scared by movies but the original literally freaked the fuck out of me...so much so that I was extremely nervous during one particular section of the otherwise fluffy "Unconditional Love" (2002). Well the last scene did anyway...the rest was standard fare. I wont give anything away (though I possibly already have)...but its pure gold. "Slothman" from "Se7en" gold. Anticipating...seems like Im anticiapting alot of these movies lol.


THE ENTITY - Remake of a 1981 movie, supposedly a true story, about a woman being assaulted (ie Raped) by an invisible, demonic prescence. Meh...I dont really care for it...its a bit soft-porn. Im looking at you invisibly massaged bosoms. Though Hideo Nakata (Ringu, Ju-on, Dark Water) has been attached to direct so it might be worth a look. on DVD. When it goes to weekly. haha...I had to not anticipate something right? Just a thought - if this ends up being a Japanese language film that you can certainly expect some fucker to greenlight an English remake.


EVIL DEAD - If you dont know what "Evil Dead" is then stop reading this, turn off your computer, and go fuck yourself. From the mouth of the man himself, Bruce Campbell : "We're going to do the remake and none of us feel bad about it because it's our own remake. We're not getting some 1970s TV show out of Aaron Spelling's file draw and making a movie. This is our own movie. So we're gonna update it for a new generation with new effects and tell a new story with a new cast. We'll be pulling the strings from behind. And hopefully they'll like it. I don't know when it will come about. It'll take a while to find a director and to write it and get it all set but it's gonna be made".

So yes. Anticipation. Also, there is a rumored "Evil Dead 4", and for awhile there Ashton Kutcher was attached (thankfully no more) and *fingers crossed* "Freddy vs Jason vs Ash". maybe ill do another of this for Sequels...meh...


The Eye - Remake of the Chinese "Gin Gwai" (2002), the Eye concerns a girl who recieves a cornea transplant and begins having visions of ghosts and whatnot, leading up to an apocalyptic finale. Was good times. I enjoyed it. I think Kris fell asleep. Ill watch the new one, mainly for Jessica Alba...rowr... and my girl Parker Posey. I (heart) Parker Posey


FRIDAY THE 13TH - Only rumored, but with Tarantino Attached. Could be a Sequel, could be a remake, should be awesome. Cant be as fucked as "Jason X" (2001) (haha...Who am I trying to kid? I (heart Jason X)


FUNNY GAMES - Remake of an Austrian movie from 1997, "Funny Games" is about a family taken hostage in their cabin by a pair of sadistic boys, Peter and Paul and subjectic to sadistic games. I try not to deconstruct movies as Im not particularly good at it and Deity knows I hate a film student, but its a sort of study on Media, the killers being the Audience as we are, with many a 4th wall breach. Its pretty harrowing...but you have to throw all that moralistic GOOD v EVIL crap out the window when you watch it. So...the remake is being done by the original director, which is a plus, but It stars Namoi Watts, which is a minus...Im really not looking forward to watching her pant her way through this one. I am, however, looking forward to seeing her tied up and thrown in a lake (oops...spoiler). Anticipating.


ROB ZOMBIES' HALLOWEEN - Well you know for damn sure Im anticipating this. Moving along.


HELLRAISER - "The basic plot of the film revolves around a puzzle box which, when properly manipulated, summons the Cenobites, who supposedly take the user of the box away into their world of endless sensuality" (thanks wikipedia - joeboy gets lazy).A remake, not another naff sequel (Everything after Bloodline (4) has been pretty lame IMHO) - wondering if they'll recast Pinhead. Anticipating as it should have a budget and a cinema release. Though I want the original title reinstated - "Sadomasochists From Beyond The Grave".
heh. Sadomasochists.


...


more to come


Remember : It's not technically a suckerpunch if you yell ''DEFEND YOURSELF SPROCKER!'' two seconds before you let him have it.
Re: Another bloody remake. pun intended. (f words)
#566350 04/22/07 06:52 PM
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Hmm... I wonder how they'll do "The Birds".

Part of the beauty of the original movie is that the first half of it is a kind of bland, light-hearted 50s romantic movie, and it kind of gradually shifts into this crazy film about birds attacking.

I wonder if they'll follow that same kind of pattern.

Re: Another bloody remake. pun intended. (f words)
#566351 04/23/07 03:18 PM
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Hitchcock's ladies had a great knack for appearing slightly annoyed with all the characters around them that always made them so much more unlikeable--and by that, I mean *likeable*.

Really looking forward to Halloween.

I've seen the original Don't Look Now (with Donald Sutherland) and agree its about as creepy as it gets. Not sure they could do a remake justice.

Lots of cool things to look forward to though! I had no idea about an Eli Roth remake of 'Bad Seed'. That should be beyond awesome.

Re: Another bloody remake. pun intended. (f words)
#566352 04/23/07 04:46 PM
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I keep finding instances where originals-- and this includes SILENT films-- are often much, MUCH better than much bigger-budgeted remakes. Which makes me wonder, WHY DO THEY BOTHER????

The other day I saw the most bizarre thing... a film with Rita Hayworth called DOWN TO EARTH. Turns out it's a musical SEQUEL to the classic HERE COMES MR. JORDAN (and features Edward Everett Horton & James Gleason reprising their roles). The strangest thing is, it reminded me of another movie I'd seen... and sure enough, someone who wrote up the listing at the IMDB site said it was "remade" as XANADU! (Not quite-- but sort of. Hayworth & Olivia Newton John pretty much play the SAME character in both films, though!)

Both films have a connection to CITIZEN KANE (this is slightly mind-boggling). Rita Hayworth reportedly hurls the exact same snow-globe Orson Welles dropped in CK; and the latter film's title comes from the Welles' home in CK. Isn't Hollywood just too strange for words sometimes?

Re: Another bloody remake. pun intended. (f words)
#566353 04/26/07 02:36 PM
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Don't Look Now:
"original literally freaked the fuck out of me..."

That has got to be THE best expression I have ever heard.

They have GOT to use that in the poster campaign for the remake:

"Don't Look Now
If the original freaked the fuck out of you then wait till you see this!"

It would make me want to see it.


Be lucky
Re: Another bloody remake. pun intended. (f words)
#566354 05/02/07 02:48 PM
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Quote
Originally posted by walkwithcrowds:
Don't Look Now:
"original literally freaked the fuck out of me..."

That has got to be THE best expression I have ever heard.

They have GOT to use that in the poster campaign for the remake:

"Don't Look Now
If the original freaked the fuck out of you then wait till you see this!"

It would make me want to see it.
haha...Im going to put that on a t-shirt...





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02 May 2007

Yet another Bloody Remake : Pun now redundant


As promised, because Im bored, part 2 :

I SAW WHAT YOU DID

Has nothing to do with "I know what you did last summer" (1997) and is in fact about 30 years older then it. Basically a couple af retard girls make prank calls, whispering "I saw what you did and I know who you are" down the phone to random strangers...as one does. One stranger has just killed his wife, he sets out to Kill them...hilarity ensues. Im guessing the success of "when a Stranger Calls" (2006) (aka 70 minutes to long) got this one the greenlight. Im not that fussed on seeing a remake but "anal retentive horror fan" me probably will anyway.



IN THE PLAYGROUND

Remake of spanish movie from 1976 - "¿Quién puede matar a un niño?" (who can kill a child) (1976) which was heavily edited for its US release as "Island of the damned"...the spanish version is ok, nifty twisty ending for the time...remake? creepy kids on an island?...pass. Ill Watch Children of the Corn 3 (1995) instead just to giggle at a young Nicholas Brendon.




IN-UTERO

Remake of "Gin Gwai 2" (the Eye 2) ((2004)) (((see previous remake blog))) - which was pretty meh...vaguely dissatisfying. - pregnent woman gains psychic visions from unborn child, farfetched hilarity ensues... ANYway - They're remaking the Eye with Jessica Alba, And the sequel with another title? Presumably becuase its an Alba flik the Eye remake will do well, will get a sequel...my head spins. (not really)



INFECTION

alternative title "Not another asian remake" (copywrite - Joeboy, 2007)...Supernatural hospital drama, remake of "almost had potential but failed" Japanese movie "Kansen" (2004)...simply dont care...Hospital horror does nothing for me...Well Maybe "Boo!" (2005) and "Death tunnel" (also 2005) - both extraordinarily lame, both make me extraordinarily happy. Dont Rent "Candy Stripers" though. Ever.



IT'S ALIVE

Killer babies - or Should I say baby...has a sort of genetic enginering/Gattaca with teeth charm...but I think its since been mooted. Moving along.



LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

Ok...Ill spend a bit more time on this one...Ive flown through the first couple of entries...

courtesy of imdb : "17-year-old Mari is going out to to see a concert with a friend named Phyllis. On the way they encounter a group of murderers and are abducted by them, what follows is the horrific sexual abuse, torture and murder of the two girls. After the killers murder the two girls they take shelter in a house owned by a married couple not knowing that they are the parents of Mari, when the parents find out what the killers have done, they carry out a horrible, gruesome revenge"

Now...Ive been dreading the day that this was going to be remade...not that the orginal is bad movie or anything - the acting was fairly crap and the logic retarded (the girls could get away just as easily as cry and get raped) - but because the new trend of "torture/porn/horror" bugs me to no extent..well unless its funny ("Hostel"/Japanese girl/eyeball - my sense of humour is pretty warped mind you). So since "Wolf Creek" Ive been expecting this...and what can you expect from the remake of "Last house"? Rape...lots and Lots of graphic, lovingly shot rape....and then torture, and then some killing, followed by some more rape, then maybe 20 minutes of parental revenge. Expect to see a remake of "I spit on your grave" in the very near future (one of the only films to make me more uncomfortable then the Barney movie.) *bleh* makes me a sad panda. MAKE HORROR FUN AGAIN!!! SUPPORT FILMS LIKE "HATCHET" AND "STUPID TEENAGERS MUST DIE!"

*cough*....moving along...



MIRRORS

remake of 2003 film from Korea "Into the Mirror" - about ghosts in a shopping mall who live in mirrors. Ex-cop security gaurd solves the mystery of weird killings, fights ghosty. Since its an Asian movie the Ghost has the pre-requisite Long hair. Anyone who knows me knows that mirrors freak the fuck out of me at times (well when Im stoned) ((drugs are bad))...so Ill probably only preen myself half as much after this movie. well...no...thats a lie..me + mirrors = best friends...



MOTEL HELL

It takes all kinds of critters...to make Farmer Vincents fritters

Aaaawwwww Yeah. now this I seriously want to see - the original is the fucking bomb...such a guilty pleasure. dont confuse it with tobe hoopers' "Horror Hotel" (1977) - the one where the gator eats the puppy...though the two are similar.

Motel Hell (1980) is a comedy horror slasher parody, is awesome, is highly underated, is out on DVD. Rent it. Love it. Watch the Remake.



NEAR DARK

hmm...strokes chin...I love the original - Boy meets Vampire Girl, gets turned, goes on Roadtrip - but I dont see why they need to remake it. It was pretty perfect to begin with...and likely as they'll give the vamps "vampire traits" (fangs etc) which was something that was refreshingly absent from the original 87 version...they could just as easily have been a bunch of crazies ala Nic Cage in "Vampire's Kiss" ...expect a pretty cast possibly a namechange to "Forsaken 2"



Night of the Living Dead 3D

Ok..well...this has already been released but Im putting it here because Im annoyed (well aside from Sid Haig) for two reasons :

1: They already remade it in the 90's

2: gimmicky 3D movies give me the shits..and the glasses dont work on my eyes.

moving along...



NIGHT OF THE LIVING DORKS

Remake of German movie, 2004, better than the title suggests - voodoo chicanery turns nerdy friends into zombies, zombie powers used for poputlarity increasement. think Revenge of the Nerds meets Night of the Living dead....could be good...and we all know I love a zombie flick. '



ONE MISSED CALL

Japanese remake #3245 : Take one part "Ringu", Detract One part ghostly uberfringed girl, add a dash of cellphone, bake for 90 minutes, result : One Missed Call. People begin receiving phone messages, message is recording of their violent deaths, struggle to stay alive ensues. Japanese version was directed by my man Miike (Takeshi) and spawned 2 sequels (well ok 1 and another being filmed)...will watch the remake for one element : Margeret fucking Cho. thats right.



Piranha
Every 4th of july break 50000 people converge on idyllic Lake Havasu for some girls gone wild action...and then the piranha attack. you know Im going to see this...though Id rather "Frankenfish 2". That being said Alexandre Aja (High Tension, Hills Have Eyes) is at the helm so itll be interesting to see if he can do comedy, which Im assuming this'll be.



PROM NIGHT

remake by the "I know what you did/Urban Legend" team...original was fairly standard 80's slasher fair, though better then most. Twist of the killer reveal wasnt that surprising...Killer needs a gimmick (original was just a jumpsuit)...Jamie Lee should cameo...personally Id prefer more Mary Lou, but my opinions are only very rarely listened to by big hollywood execs.



SHUTTER

Asian remake? you guessed it...this time from Thailand, though the remake transports it to Japan. Ghosts, photos, pretty much all you need to know. Gay. By gay I mean lame.



SOLSTICE

Remake of Danish film "Midsommer" from 2003 - by...get this...Daniel Myrick (Blair Witch) ..I think this is the first thing he's done since 99' which is retarded because the original has many a blairwitchian' moment what with the woods and all. FEH. wonder what happened to that Eduardo Sanchez? *opens imdb.com*





The Stepfather

remake of based-on-a-true story (wikipedia : Johnathon List for those that care) 1987 movie, stepdad kills family for not meeting his standards. supposed to be darker then the original...which if recent trends are anything to go by should involve plenty of rape...*glares at film execs*.



TERROR TRAIN

slasher on a train flik from 1980 that firmly secured Jamie Lee's place on the scream queen hall o' fame. Think eurotrip meets halloween for the sequel. stabby stabby.



THE THING

*pissed off look* DEAR HOLLYWOOD : YOU DONT NEED TO REMAKE THE THING. CEASE AND DISSIST (misspelt). THAT IS ALL (pissed of look*

[aside - yes I know the orginal was aremake. go away now.]



THE TINGLER

hehe...remake of one of those gimmicky 50's movies. gimmick here being that certain seats in the theatre were wired to give people electric shocks? though that couldve been the Shocker... meh...without that added bonus its all rather ho-hum. Seems as pointless as that retarded fucking "Th13teen Ghosts".



When a Stranger Returns

remake of "when a stranger calls back" - 90's sequel to orginal "When a stranger calls". orginaly girl from "stranger" helps new girl deal with stalker guy...should be pretty rushed, expect much of the same thing but possibly with less Camille Bell (always a good thing).



THE WITCHES

before you scream "WHAT THE FUCK!?!" as I did and consider stabbing a nun, bear in mind that Guillermo Del Toro is attached. still...*sigh*...Angry Panda...



THE WIZARD OF GORE

not much info on the remake, But of the orginal 70's version I have this to say : ahhhh Herschell how I (heart) thee...expect gore. Obviously.



and finally :

THE WOLF MAN

universal funded? they make a wolf man flik every couple of years...cant be as naff as that Jack nicholson crap from awhile back. hint to producers reading this : the world needs more Teen Wolf.



That is all. for now...until...The sequel entry!!!



Currently Watching :
Bill Plympton's The Tune
Release date: By 27 July, 2004


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Remember : It's not technically a suckerpunch if you yell ''DEFEND YOURSELF SPROCKER!'' two seconds before you let him have it.
Re: Another bloody remake. pun intended. (f words)
#566355 05/02/07 05:35 PM
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 4,926
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Bryan Singer is set to direct a new Logan's Run. I'm interested.


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