Legion World Forums LEGION COMPANION The Anywhere Machine JOKES!!!!!

A birch tree and a beech tree are walking side by side in the woods.
They come upon a sapling, the birch tree says
to the beech tree
Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
Beech tree replies "i dont know"

They spot a woodpecker nearby and they say to the woodpecker
"Woodpecker, you know your wood, could you come over and tell us if this sapling is the son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
Woodpecker rep[ies "Sure!"
so the woodpecker goes at the wood for a couple of minutes and then comes over to the birch and beech tree.
The trees say "well? son of a beech or son of a birch?"
woodpecker replies
I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT ITS THE BEST PEICE OF ASH I HAD MY PECKER IN!!!!!

His and Hers Diaries

HER DIARY
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and vacant. Finally I decided to go to bed.

About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I also fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
Today the Packers lost, but at least I got laid.

A mother is cleaning her teenageds daughter's room and finds a condom wrapper near the bed. The mother freaks out. She waits for her daughter to come home from school, and starts lecturing her. The mother finally asks the daughter, "Are you sexually active?"
The daughter replies, "No.... I just lay there"

Ha!

I posted this on the Shakes thread also.


Four businessmen were having lunch when one gets called away for a phone call. The three remaining start bragging about their sons.

1: My son is very sucessful. He strted working as the errand boy in a stock brokers office. he learned the business, became a trader and is now a partner. He told me that today he was going to give his true love a stock portfolio worth $25,000.00

2: Well, my son started working at the local car dealership, worked up to manager, and bought out the owner. He has since started three more dealerships throughout the state. And he told me that today he was giving his true love a brand new $50,000.00 Jaquar.

3: That's nothing. My son started working at the local real estate agency. He then started his own company. He has offices in 5 other states now. And he told me that today he was giving his true love a new $300,000.00 house.

At that point the fourth man came back looking a little upset. The others asked what was the matter. He said, "well that was my son on the phone. He just told me that he was gay."

The others offered their sympathy.

4: It's not all bad. Today he got a $25,000 stock portfolio, a new Jaquar and a new house.

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.'

'SEND EXTRA SAUCE.'

Pov, that one cracked me up. Plus now I'm craving Bucca Di Beppo restaurant food

Yeah, Mom FW'ed that with her e-mail this morning... LOVED it.

edit:

Crap.

I should've known it was too good to not already be here somewhere.

Thanks, BB. Can't believe I missed minesurfer's post when I bumped this thread last week...

Who wants to be the first to tell POV?

see edit

Okay, to make up for my screw-up...

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed
continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative , and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he! tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'! The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Did you hear the one about the politician?

He cared about his constituents.

Sorry, that kills me every time, lol.

"Can you believe the building superintendent? What a BS artist!" A man says to his wife. "He claims to have slept with every woman in this building except one!"

His wife snorts at that. "Probably that snooty Mrs. Jensen on the fifth floor."

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my Tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

The second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year.'

A little boy got on the city bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar'

A redneck love poem

Susie Lee done fell in love,
she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
but Joe is yo' half brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
he said, "There's trouble still.

you can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother.
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother."

But Mama knew , and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to pappy."

Dang it, the only jokes i know are too dirty for this forum.

A duck walks into the pharmacy and asks for a condom.

The clerk sets them down on the counter. "And how will you be paying for this?" He asks.

The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."

Q: Why don't lawyers like to sunbathe at the beach?

A: <span class="spoiler_containter"><span class="spoiler_wording">Click Here For A Spoiler</span><span class="spoiler_text">Because cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.</span></span>

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cows."

"Interrup--"

"MOO!"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,"Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test...

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told
her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open...

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on
three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling...

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

The following link is to a YouTube clip. It looks like it is from a German candid camera show. The set-up is a bathroom with a mirror of the room on the other side. A piece of glass is put where a mirror would be. They then have a set of identical twin women putting on makeup on either side of the glass.


Twin Mirror Prank

This version also has subtitles.

A lawyer dies and gets sent to Heaven. Upon arrival, he says to St. Peter, "Why did you call for me now? I'm only forty years old."

"According to your billable hours," the Saint responded, "You're actually eighty."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?

A: <span class="spoiler_containter"><span class="spoiler_wording">Click Here For A Spoiler</span><span class="spoiler_text">Depends on how thinly you slice them.</span></span>