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Twelve Jack Handy Quotes

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

If you are ever skydiving, and your parachute fails, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a good gag would be to pretend you're swimming.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Random videogame quotes

"Victoly!"-Samurai Showdown

"All your base are belong to us!"-Zero Wing

"You spoony bard!" -Tellah, Final Fantasy II(IV)

"Is this the end of lovable Igniz?" Igniz, King of Fighters 2001

More funny quotes by Homer Simpson:

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

"God bless those pagans."

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

"Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!"

"Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers."

Becausr I need to boost my post count:
Even more Homer Simpson quotes:

"Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours."

"And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream."

"Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible."

"When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE!"

"Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people."

"Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."

"I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me."

"English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!"

Two Dolly Parton quotes (who just comes out with the best lines ever). The first was her response to an interviewer asking why she had her boobs done.

"I got tierd of guys saying 'show us your tits' and having to lift up my skirt"

and

"It takes a lot of money to look this cheap".

He he. Dolly rocks.

That's GREAT. I love Dolly Parton.

“Even as wisdom often comes from the mouths of babes, so does it often come from the mouths of old people. The golden rule is to test everything in the light of reason and experience, no matter from where it comes.” - Gandhi

“When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.” - Einstein

"Its good to be back here in the great state of Chicago!" - Dan Quayle

“The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little pratice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!” - Calvin

“Nearly all men can withstand adversity; If you want to test a man's character, give him power.” - Abraham Lincoln

“What's the point of wearing your lucky rocketship underpants if no one asks to see 'em?” - Calvin

‘The physicist's greatest tool is his wastebasket.” - Albert Einstein

“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” - Mark Twain

“Simplicity is the pursuit of the essential.” - Mark Shepard

“Computers are incredibly fast, accurate, and stupid. Human beings are incredibly slow, inaccurate, and brilliant. Together they are powerful beyond imagination.” - Einstein

“I have a hammer! I can put things together. I can tear things apart. I can alter my enviroment while making an incredible din the whole time. God, its great to be a male.” - Calvin

“Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.” - Einstein

“There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry

“I've found that every time I've made a radical change, it's helped me feel buoyant as an artist.” - David Bowie

"I'm glad I haven't found my style yet. I'd be bored to death." - Edgar Degas

“You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!” - Calvin

“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.” - Aldous Huxley

“Fantasy is a necessary ingrediant in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.” - Dr. Suess

“The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.” - Abbie Hoffman

“I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." - Emo Phillips

"I don't care who you are, at
some point when you go online, you become Mrs Cravitz."

--- Rachel Cree

"When I need alone time, I pull the fire alarm." - David Letterman's 'Top Ten Things Said by Disgruntled School Teachers'.

“Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?” - Homer Simpson

“Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, ‘Why limit yourselves?’" - Emo Phillips

"I would have said yes to abortion if only it was right. I mean, yeah it's right. Well no it's not right that's why I said no to it." - George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Dan Quayle

“I think the surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” - Calvin

“Government is the Entertainment Division of the military-industrial complex.” - Frank Zappa

“I am not currently able to divulge this information, as it may compromise our agents in the field.” - Calvin

“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.” - Einstein

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.” - Mark Twain

“The pioneers of a warless world are the youth that refuse military service.” - Albert Einstein

“If you want happiness for a lifetime - help the next generation.” - Chinese Proverb

"Important principles may and must be inflexible" - Abraham Lincoln (1865)

“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.” - Albert Schweitzer

“In the need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind.” - Albert Camus

“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.” - Bertrand Russell

“You know, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.” - Calvin