did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
Posted by lil'rhino on :
A young girl was sitting in a barber shop by her mother's side, eating a twinkie, and awaiting a haircut.
When her turn came, she brought her twinkie with her to the chair and the barber covered her.
Soon, she pulled out the twinkie for a bite.
"You're getting hair on your twinkie!!" the barber playfully warned.
"Yes, I know," replied the girl, "and I'm getting boobies too!!"
Posted by FRUNTaholic on :
Why did Oprah Winfrey cross the road?
To eat the chicken! *hic*
Posted by FRUNTaholic on :
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "Why the long face ?" *hic*
Posted by minesurfer on :
What's brown and black and looks good around the neck of a lawyer?
A doberman.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
A string walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender looked at it and says, "We don't serve strings in this bar." Dejected, the string turned and left, but returned a few minutes later.
"I'd like a drink," it said.
"I told you, we don't serve strings," the bartender bellowed.
Upset, the string went outside, twisted itself into a knot and mussed up the top of its head. It then went back inside the bar.
"I'd like a drink," it said.
The bartender raised an eyebrow and said, "Are you a string?"
"No," was the reply. "I'm a frayed knot."
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
what's black and white and can't turn around in a lift?
A nun with a javelin through her head
Posted by Faraway Lad on :
Whats starts green but turns red at the flick of a switch.
A frog in a Liquidiser
[ July 18, 2003, 04:40 AM: Message edited by: Faraway Lad ]
Posted by Bevis on :
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
What do you call a gay man with white eyes?
Full.
What's blue and taps on the glass?
A baby in a fish tank.
What's brown and taps on the glass?
A baby in a microwave.
And now for a couple that aren't quite as offensive as those...
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus.
What do you call a man with a mountain on his head?
Squashed.
He he he he
Posted by Loser Lad on :
quote:Originally posted by MLLASH: Why can't Helen Keller have children?
Because she's dead!
I LOVE Helen Keller jokes!
How'd Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron!
Posted by Loser Lad on :
How'd she burn the other side?
They called back!
Posted by FRUNTaholic on :
Why does Helen Keller need both hands to masturbate?
One to twiddle, the other to moan. *hic*
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
I met this sweet dutch girl last week who wore inflatable shoes. I phoned her up and was going to ask her out on a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs!
[ July 31, 2003, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: Sonnie Boy ]
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
2 eskimoes in a kayak were getting mighty cold so they lit a fire in it, unfortunately it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
so I said "do you fancy a game of darts?"
he replied "yeah"
I said " nearest the bull starts?"
he said "baaaa"
I said "moo"
he said " you start"
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox....
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
The other day I sent my fella a huge pile of snow, rang him up afterwards and said "get my drift?"
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought "he's pulling a fast one"
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
so I said to my gym instructor "can you teach me to do the splits?"
he replied "well, how flexible are you?"
so I said "I can't make Tuesadays"
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
then there's the guy next door who worships exhaust pipes... he's a catholic converter
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
and did you know that tennis players practice magic? For example there's Goran, even he's a witch
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
and the other night when I was shopping I saw a couple wrapped up in a bar code and I had to ask them if they were an item....
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
then there were those 4 fonts who walked into a bar one night and the bar man said "get out, we don't want your type in here"
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
and then when the jump lead walked in the bar man said "I'll serve you this time but don't go starting anything"
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
but when a sandwich walked in the barman had to tell him that they don't serve food....
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
.... a seal walks into a club.....
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
but I gotta tell you about my friend who has fallen deeply in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.....
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
and before I go I have to tell you about my latest hobby, I like to try to pack myself into a small suitcase.... I can hardly contain myself.
Posted by Caleb on :
If a rooster says "cocka-doodle-doo", what does a gay rooster say?
Any-cockle-doo
[ July 31, 2003, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Caleb ]
Posted by Caleb on :
okay -Sonnie Boy wins for the worst jokes. Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
quote:Originally posted by Caleb: okay -Sonnie Boy wins for the worst jokes.
No Caleb honey, I win with the MOST jokes, that Cockadoodledoo one was worse than the age old quiestion of why was the beach wet? and everyone knows it was because the sea weed....
Posted by Caleb on :
LOL
that one took a moment...
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
That is my seven year old neices favourite joke, the first time I told her it she laughed so hard she wet herself. My brother and his wife were not too impressed with me.... they're a pair of po faced gits sometimes, honestly, what's wrong with childs urine on the back seat of a car when you're on a long journey? isn't it obligatory?
smile, it kills time between disasters
[ August 02, 2003, 05:46 AM: Message edited by: Sonnie Boy ]
Posted by Danny Blaine on :
Sonnie, you make me smile Posted by Kid Psychout on :
What's red, has candles on top and tastes like meat?
An after-birthday cake.
...i'm so gonna like it round here.
(edited coz forgot how to tell my own damn joke)
[ August 05, 2003, 01:57 AM: Message edited by: Kid Psychout ]
Posted by MLLASH on :
OH MY GOD KID PSYCHOUT!!!!!!!!!!
happy happy happy happy!!!!!
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
quote:Originally posted by Danny Blaine: Sonnie, you make me smile
which is nice, thank you Danny, but I prefer it when you beg.....
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
oooh oooh got told the SICKEST joke yet last night....
Q: What do you get if you put a baby in a microwave?
A: An erection!
just try not to smile.... face it you know you're going top go to hell anyway....
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
quote:Originally posted by Kid Psychout: What's red and tastes like meat?
An after-birthday cake.
Classic!
Posted by Danny Blaine on :
quote:Originally posted by Sonnie Boy:
quote:Originally posted by Danny Blaine: Sonnie, you make me smile
which is nice, thank you Danny, but I prefer it when you beg.....
I will beg anytime for you Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
So this guy I know had to take Sylvester his pet Rottweiller into see the vet as he (the dog) was cross eyed.
The vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, shines a torch down his throat and looks at his teeth and said to my friend "well... I'm going to have to put him down"
my friend replied "why? because of he has cross eyes?"
to which the vet said "no, it's because he's really heavy"
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
then there was that man who walked into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "a pint please and one for the road.........."
Posted by Omni Craig on :
How do you know if you are borderline schizophrenic?
Half the voices in your head are speaking Spanish.
Posted by Omni Craig on :
Did you hear about the tailor who lost touch with reality? He couldn't shake the feeling that nothing was it seams.
Posted by Future on :
What does a dyslexic cow say?
OOM!
Posted by Suddenly Seymor on :
What's the coldest kind of carpet?
Berber
(I made that one up myself! My aunt says I should send it to Reader's Digest. I think she's just being nice.)
Eric
Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
my youngest neice's favourite right now is---
q) what do you call a sleeping cow?
a) a bulldozer!
I'm so proud of her!
Posted by Semi Transparent Fellow on :
More Helen Keller (really old ones):
Why did Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand? Because she sang with the other.
Helen Keller fell down the stairs. Why didn't she call for help? Because she broke her wrists.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They rearranged the furniture. Posted by Sonnie Boy on :
Ther's a collision on the border of Scotland and England, both cars are totally smashed up, really nasty mess, though miraculously both drivers are thrown free and survive without a scratch...
the Englishman says - "Goodness gracious me! That was a lucky escape, we must have someone looking over us to survive that"
the Scotsman replies -"Aye it was miraculous.... I think we should toast our good luck"
the Englishman nods butthen says -"but what can we toast with?"
the Scotsman walks around the smashed remains of their two cars and, again miraculously, pulls out a bottle of whiskey from the remains of his car... walking back to the Englishman he pulls off the top and hands it to him.
The Englishman toasts their luck then takes a long drink out of the bottle, easily drinking a third of it in one go then hands it back to the Scotsman who says...
"No thanks, I'll have my drink after the police arrive"
OUCH!!!!!
[ August 12, 2003, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Sonnie Boy ]
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