In the seventh month of the year 3008, a group of Legion Worlders held a conclave in Sandy Eggo to discuss issues and matters of utmost importance to Legion of Super-Heroes message boarders. The existence of other, parallel boards had just recently been discovered, and the posters from Legion World (Board-W) invited their counterparts from two other boards to join them: the DC boards (Board-D), in which the LMBP -- Legion of Message Board Posters -- existed circa summer 3001, and the ezBoard (Board-E), in which the LMB -- Legionnaires of the Message Board -- existed circa early 3002.
As their counterparts materialized through the trans-board gates, a few of the LWers found that their analogues were quite similar. The Cobalt Kid and the Faraway Lad of all three boards were identically named, for example. However, while the Cobalt Kid of Board-W had black hair and sported a black-and-red Tempest costume, the other Cobies had brown hair and looked like a younger Seth Rogen. And while the Faraway Lad of Board-W had a full beard and wore a blue-and-red costume with a cape, the other two Faraways had glasses, sideburns, and wore a historical re-enacter’s British military uniform. Kent Shakespeare and l.e.g.i.o.n.JOHN found that their Board-E parallel selves looked identical, but went by slightly different names: Kent Bacon and LEGIONj.o.h.n.
Some of the other LWers were surprised to find a number of dramatic differences between themselves and their analogues.
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Fat Cramer approached another feline message boarder. “Are… are you Fat Cramer?” “No… well, yeah. I’m Phat Kramer, of Board-E.” Phat Kramer wore huge sunglasses, and had gold-capped teeth, sparkling rings on every digit, and a tail-ring. A chain with the letters “KRMR” hung around her neck.
Nearby, Director Lad and ActorLad were engaged in a slightly confusing exchange with their Board-D counterparts. “You’re not Director Lad?” asked Director Lad of an individual who looked exactly like him. “No, I’m Actor Lad, of the DC boards. I act, but I’ve always wanted to direct. Maybe I’ll be a director someday.” ActorLad looked over at his DC board twin. “I guess you’re not ActorLad, then?” “Nice name, but I’m known as Leading Man. I do act, but my main power is to telepathically compel others to follow my lead.”
Monkey-Eater Lad, rtvu2, and Suddenly Seymour were chatting with their Board-E counterparts, Simianvore, Vuw-Master, and Abruptly Audrey, when Quislet, Esq. floated over to introduce his analogues. “This is Quislet, M.D. from the DC boards, and Lord Quislington from the ezBoard.” They were identical to Quislet, Esq. but for the stethoscope that hung around Quislet, M.D. and the top hat, monocle, and handlebar mustache on Lord Quislington.
Meanwhile, Rockhopper Lad and CJ Taylor realized, through process of elimination, who their own parallel-board selves were. “Is that me?” asked Rocky, pointing to an imposing, 10-foot-tall giant wearing a black and white costume and a crown. “It is I -- Emperor Penguin,” the other responded, and menacingly flexed his thick muscles. “But that other guy can’t be a CJ Taylor… can he?” asked CJ. “That other guy” was in a massive, towering suit of armor out of which dozens of spikes protruded. He held a hammer in one hand and tongs in the other; both glowed bright orange, and shimmered in waves of heat. His face could barely be seen behind a scruffy beard. “I’m Siege Tailor,” the armored man announced in a deep, booming voice. “I prepare armor for warriors, and I am a warrior myself.”
A number of the others were about to introduce themselves to the group, when the room shook and a thick cloud of smoke enveloped the MBers. When the smoke cleared, Caliente was the first to speak: “Oh my God, who let HIM out of the Banned-‘Em Zone?”
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Part 3 “Why so surprised?” STU asked. “Besides, it looks like my DC boards and ezBoard counterparts are here already.” He looked over and nodded at StuRat and Iron Rat.
“Yeah, but they were never banned on their boards,” ABNQNK of Board-D said.
“I decided to give him a little reprieve for this special occasion,” Nightcrawler said. “Provided he’s on his best behavior. You will be, won’t you?”
“Of course… I --” But STU never finished his sentence, as there was another thunderclap and smoke once again swirled.
“Uh, STU… you did close the door after you when you left the Zone, didn’t you?” Nighty asked.
“Door? What door?”
Nightcrawler face-palmed.
A moment later, a group of menacing figures stood before the assembled group of message boarders. The new arrivals had costumes of black velvet, highlighted with fluorescent designs that seemed to pulse and glow.
“Who are they?” Saturn Girl asked.
“The Legion of Blacklight Posters,” said Lightning Lad grimly. “They’re all the message board posters that have been banned over the years for their nasty posting habits. They’d been safely locked away in the Banned-‘Em Zone… until now.”
“You are correct,” said a man who appeared to be their leader. He was the Ultimate Authority, banned for being an insufferable know-it-all on all things Legion. “Now that we’ve been brought back from the Zone, all the negative energy in the blacklight we’ve absorbed over the years will make us unstoppable here on the real message boards.”
“And now we’re going to go calling on some of your nemeses from all three boards. You see, we’ve been monitoring all the boards over the years.” It was Last-Word Lass, the Ultimate Authority’s annoying consort. “The Time Mouse Trapper, Whoredru, the Robgoblin, Phineas B. Fuddle, the Secret Society of Fruits and Vegetables… all of them! Let’s see how you deal with the combined forces of us… and every other LMBP/LMB/LW enemy ever!”
With that, the Blacklight Posters -- Stalker Lad, Psychotic Girl, Spam King, Profanity Boy, and Kid Sig -- followed the Ultimate Authority and Last-Word Lass into a teleportal and disappeared.
After a moment of stunned silence, mechana asked, “What can we do?”
“Call the others,” Gigglebot Girl responded. “All of them -- all the LMBPers, LMBers, and LWers from all three boards. We’ll need all of them to handle this final crisis.” And so the call went out.
END OF PROLOGUE
And what happened next was...
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...Lard Lad was the first to arrive. After getting a quick briefing from STU, Lardy pulled out his omnicom.
"STU, are you familiar with Earth-4?"
STU shook his head no.
"Well, the LMB encountered them around the time I went absent after losing my powers. Obviously, I wasn't here, and on top of that, my memory's a total loss from about that time until very recently--long story. But we have four parallel dimensions, or 'Earths', documented at this point: ours (Earth-1), one with a 'Legion of Super Heroes' (Earth-2), one with its own version of Nightcrawler, Mantis and a few other familiar faces (Earth-3) and another with a 'Society of Message Board Posters' (Earth-4) that very, very strongly resembled our group similarly to how these guys do.
But...Earth-4, the planet not the dimension, was recently destroyed by that dimension's Evil Emperor Pyngwyn. These appear to be LMBs from 2 uncharted Earths, so..."
"Hey, there--nice ta see a friendly face!" interrupts a familiar voice.
"Who?"
"I'm LARDLAD from Board-D! Got some booze?"
"Uh...I...?" stammered Lard Lad.
"um...hi...I'm Toni Taylor...Lean Lass."
Both Lardy's jaws dropped.
But before they could even stammer, up walked....
-------------------- "Suck it, depressos!"--M. Lash
From: The Underbelly of Society | Registered: Jul 2003
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Phat Kramer, who clapped both Lardys under their chins.
"Shut yer traps or you'll be catching flies - and, hey, thanks for the history lesson. The rest of those Board-D guys are coming through. What do I call you? Lard-D? How about you make nice with the introductions?"
A group of somewhat familiar figures approached....
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…and among them they were surprised to see Poverty Lad. You see, they were all Poverty Lad’s of various Earths. However, like in any stereotypical comic from the 1970’s, 80’s or 90’s, whenever several lads or lasses who lived lives of poverty came together, they immediately formed a street gang! Thus, the Poverty Lad’s were now “The Street Hustle Clan”, a group of misguided youths bent on making money in ways that were quicker, yet morally dubious!
Quickly, the LMBers of various earths were pick-pocked, robbed and in some cases tickled!
“Great,” said Outdoor Miner of Earth-W, “there goes a good portion of our support.”
Meanwhile Stalker Lad spied on one LMBer in particular from the bushes…
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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... Giant Robotic Lesbian. Stalker Lad felt oddly, inexplicably aroused as he gazed upon GRL's gleaming metallic mullet. He was puzzled, however, at the fact that she stood utterly motionless. Was she perhaps communing on some telepathic level with her on-again-off-again lover, Anti-Lad?
She was not. GRL was, in fact, telepathically communing with her fellow robotic LWer, Kid Prime, and his DC boards counterpart, optimusmagnus. Together, they were hatching a plan to maximize the power of the Street Hustle Gang in conjunction with the secret army of Outdoor Miner clones, led by the Board-D and Board-E OM counterparts -- A Jar of Cardinals and Fiery Jack. The robots figured that a thousand Outdoor Miners, with their super-restraint fully suppressed and their super-sarcasm at full power, would easily overcome both the Blacklight Posters and any other enemies they could gather.
But there was one problem. "There is a traitor in our midst," GRL beamed telepathically to Kid Prime and optimusmagnus. "And the identity of that traitor is --"
But GRL never finished the thought, because...
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Gladys, the Sentient Disco Ball, spun wildly into Giant Robotic Lesbian, knocking her off her shining feet. GRL lifted her head and looked at Gladys, who had been damaged in the collision.
Lord Quislington walked over and offered his hand to GRL. "Allow me, dear lady, to help you to your feet. I've never seen a disco ball thrown with such force!"
"Thrown?" asked GRL. "Who did you see throw Gladys?"
Lord Quislington paused. "So many different people here. I'm afraid not acquainted with everyone yet. However..." he scanned the area, then pointed his walking stick at some figures staring at them from a distance. "I believe it was one of those chaps."
"Impossible!", cried GRL. "The Faraways would never do anything like that!"
There was one being, however, who did not have any analogues on various worlds! In fact, there was only one of him across all of time and space. And now, sensing the danger ahead, he was prepared to make his entrance for the first time.
Indeed, it was time Exnihil joined the fray...and potentially save the LMB!
-------End Interlude-----------
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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As Exnihil waddled it's tiny frame into the midst of the growing congregation, a wave of disquiet swept across the group.
"What does he want?!?! What?!?!?!" Lard Lad W demanded, shaking his tiny fist in panicked defiance. "Get a hold of yourself, lad!" Lard Lad D snapped, slapping his counterpart back into focus. Lean Lass just sighed, and shook her head in resignation, thinking "These are my counterparts?"
Exnihil sidled itself to the nearest barstool, and making a great effort of scaling its wooden heights, made its way to the seat. Turning to the assembled mass, and, pausing only to shoot a quick wink at the Caliente Three, it stood as straight as it could, reaching its full two-and-a-half foot height and cleared its throat.
"Oh, my god... look!" Cobalt Kids W, D, and E shouted in unison, "It's about to speak! Bartender, quick, a triple... no... make it a nonuple!"
"Ahem...," Ex began, "I've watched you posters for a long time. Studied you. I've been both lurker and non-posting registree. I may even have an alt ID (I have, you know). I've tried to understand your history, your origins, your very lives... but beneath it all there seemed to be an unseen force sundering the linear narrative, belieing a clear tale. One thread spawned three, which spawned five... then ten... then countless.
I fear I went quite mad for a time.
In pursuit of my ends, I have engaged, across multiple boards, in a series of what might be viewed by the casual observer as 'games'. On Board-D I was master of "Legiopardy," on blog-247 I met trivia master Klordny - a worthy adversary - and even here, in your comfortable climes of Board-W, you have not been untouched by my sporting ways.
But... take heed! The game that you... that we... now undertake is like no other. The stakes we play for are the very future of all our boards! And the gamemaster? The architect of all of our moves, who plays dice with the very universe? It's none other than..."
"SILENCE!!!"
Every head in the room spun around to see the person who had shouted, and almost simultaneously a thousand jaws dropped to see...
-------------------- See Here for the latest update on the 2013 Chicago Gathering (now including tentative attendance list)
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A thousand waddling black-and-white forms swarming in, led by the imposing figure who had shouted: the Evil Emperor Pyngwyn, who had recently destroyed Earth-4. It was a small army of Pyngwyns, and the fierce expressions on their faces suggested that they were ready to regurgitate half-digested meals into the stunned, dropped jaws of the assembled heroes.
Faraway Lad-W looked from the Evil Emperor Pyngwyn to Emperor Penguin, the Rockhopper Lad of Board-E. They looked virtually identical. "Who's the villain, now?"
"HE IS!!!" shouted the Evil Emperor Pyngwyn, pointing one flipper-like arm at Emperor Penguin. "Don't be fooled by the fact that I am called 'Evil' Emperor Pyngwyn. On my board-dimension, 'Evil' is simply an honorary title bestowed upon the one with the highest post count. Ask yourself... have any of you actually met this Emperor Penguin before today? No? Were you aware that Board-E in fact has no Rockhopper Lad analogue?"
Rockhopper Lad took a step away from Emperor Penguin, with whom he had been chatting just a few minutes earlier. "Who... who are you, really?"
Emperor Penguin shrugged his massive shoulders. "I suppose there's no point in hiding the truth any longer." He ripped off a mask, revealing...
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Phineas B. Fuddle! The mustachioed, old-time villain cackled malevolently.
"You can't stop me or my allies. I've already unleashed the No-Life Equation onto all message boards in existence. It's downloading itself as we speak. Soon, every single message boarder will be in its thrall, helpless to do anything but post incessantly and mindlessly, ignoring all other demands of 'real life' until they die of dehydration or starvation!"
With a flourish of his cape and a twinkle in his monocle, the dastardly Fuddle bolted out the door and into the alley.
"Stop him!" cried Spicy Chica, the Caliente of Board-E, and the assembled LMBers rushed outside...
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Nads Kicker Lass wasn't happy. Things were moving far too slow around here.
Running up to LardLad, she gave him her famous finishing move right between the uprights. As others turned to see what the commotion was about it, they too fell victim: Abin, Quislet, Pov, Stu.
Realizing maybe she went too far, she ran down the alleyway. In truth, she still was bitter against the LMB ever since Eryk Davis Ester didn't return her affections. Now he was nowhere to be found and someone's nads needed to feel her vengeance.
Suddenly she felt immense pain as someone launched their own kick against her! She looked up, teary eyed, but was unable to make out the Figure in the Shadows, who laughed and then ran himself...
--------End Interlude---------
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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As Nads Kicker Lass ran up to the hated male LMBers and gave each a swift, painful, and richly deserved kick in their detestable man-parts, Anti-Lad felt a rush of great affection for this exemplary display of womynhood.
Her emotions swirled deep inside. She felt horrible for having such feelings for another womyn when her lover, Giant Robotic Lesbian, might be in trouble.
But her thoughts went no further, as a Figure in the Shadows appeared from nowhere and gave Nads Kicker Lass herself a swift kick. She doubled over, teary eyed.
Anti-Lad was confused. Why was Nads Kicker Lass in so much pain? Could it be that she herself had nads? Was she in fact not a womyn at all, but a hated MAN in disguise?
Putting such thoughts aside, Anti-Lad chased after the Figure in the Shadows, and suddenly found...
-------------------- Yes, this is what I look like. Except they left out the buttcrack in my head.
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... that the Figure had doubled back, and rushed past her in a blur. He (she? it?) was back in the same room where Anti-Lad had left Lard Lad, Abin, Quis, Pov, STU, and Nads Kicker Lass.
By the time Anti-Lad turned back around, there was no trace of the mysterious Figure; the only people in the room were the LMBPers, all moaning in pain.
As Anti-Lad called the LW medic to attend to the nads-kicked posters, her LW signal device beeped. It was Cat Framer, the Board-D version of Fat Cramer. Cat Framer was an artist who could paint magic portraits of cats, which she then brought to life to fight for her.
"What's going on, Framer?"
"I wanted to warn you. You know how STU released the Blacklight Posters from the Banned-'Em Zone? Well, there was apparently one other entity that had been trapped there as well -- some kind of sinister shadowy figure whose true identity remains a mystery, but who is incredibly dangerous... and powerful."
"I think I've seen that figure. He was just here, but he apparently vanished."
Cat Framer's voice was tense. "You're in great peril. This shadowy figure can apparently jump into one's body in a moment of physical weakness or pain, and possess it completely. There would be no visible evidence, as such, but the possessed individual would slowly succumb to his -- or her -- baser instincts. Is anyone else there?"
Anti-Lad looked back at where the LMBPers had been, but the LW medical team had already evacuated them. It seemed certain that this Figure in the Shadows had jumped into the body of one of the nads-kicked posters.
Hyperpath: Email this page to someone!
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