posted
"Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this!" "Got it all taken care of... "As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice..." "Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their love lives?" "'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!?" "That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks." "Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't wear off for seven hours." "For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults! That's going to seriously slow them down." "You're not kidding - Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!"
The RD gang plot to cheat their way to a basketball win
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a lift!"
Captain Hollister didn't like them cheating
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"Kryten personal blackbox recording. Time: unknown. Location: unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Should someone find this recording perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here.
My short term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short- term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory, has has left me a little disoriented, disoriented, disoriented."
Kryten has some problems
From: The Mainframe | Registered: Jul 2003
| IP: Logged |
"So what's the problem? Hey, you OK? You look tense." LISTER› HELP LISTER› Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula "You're playing that dumb adventure game." LISTER› It's in my boxers. It's making a nest "Then buy a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard. That's what I usually do. LISTER› I'm SERIOUS. CAT› It has an eye the size of a meatball LISTER› Kill it CAT› How? LISTER› I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me. CAT› I'm scared LISTER› YOU'RE scared. How d'you think I feel? CAT› You haven't SEEN it!! LISTER› The lower half of my body has gone numb. CAT› That's probably for the best. LISTER› It's moving LISTER› Oh *#%^**!!!! KRYTEN'S HAND› Hello. KRYTEN'S HAND› Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow.
Kryten's hand plays about in Lister's boxers
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"I found Goalpost-Head. No sign of Dormouse-Cheeks, though." "Sir, we were so worried. What happened?" "We were ambushed by a platoon of Lows. I was leading a valiant rearguard action." "I found him shivering in a box." "It was tactical maneouvre to outfox the enemy." "As was using his uniform as a temporary latrine."
The Cat finds Rimmer and brings him back to Kryten
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"All right, everybody ready? Let's go, then." "What are you doing, Hol?" "What? What's wrong?" "The rug, man. Why are you wearing a toupee?" "What toupee?" "The one on your head." "Who's head's that, then?" "Your head. It makes you look like a game show host." "What's wrong with everyone? Three million years without a woman and you all act as if you're fourteen years old." "Oh, yeah? What about you and the socks?" "What socks?" "Come on, we can't hang about." "He ordered two pairs of socks." "What for?" "One pair to put on his feet and the other pair to roll up and put down his trousers."
Holly & Rimmer make fools of themselves
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"Holly, give me access to the crew's confidential reports." "Those are for the Captain's eyes only, Arnold." "Fine. Well, we'll give him ten seconds to come back from the dead, and if he hasn't managed it, we'll presume I'm in charge... No, he hasn't managed it." "*sigh* Whose do you want?" "Give me ... give me Lister's. Just the remarks." "David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: 'Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero.'" "I always liked Captain Hollister. Such a great reader of men, was Captain Hollister. A marvellous, marvellous man and a tragic loss to us all. All right, Holly, give me ... give me mine. "'Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility but constantly fails the engineering exam.'" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holly, Holly. I want *my* report. Rimmer. Two M's, E, R." "'Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical.'" "No no no no no, Holly. I want *Rimmer*. That's two R's, one at the front, one at the back. "Arnold, this *is* your report." "I always hated that pus-head Hollister. He always resented my popularity. That's why he never put forward my proposal to reduce the minimum haircut length by an eighth of an inch. Small-minded, petty-thinking modo."
As Rimmer would know
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"Okay. Rimmer, make this quick." "Sir, I wish to place on record that third technician Lister, David--" "Get on with it, Rimmer." "--smuggled aboard the mining vessel Red Dwarf a consignment of a hallucinogenic fungi "Titan Mushrooms," more popularly known to the Space Beatnik community as "Freaky Fungus." "Is this true?" "Erm, sort of." "And on the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J.--" "For crying out loud, Rimmer!" "--the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast." "Okay, I'm getting the picture." "Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of _mushrooms_. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a voyage to trip-out city. To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit." "Lister, is this true?" "No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg." "The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous." "You'd better have a good reason for this, Lister." "I have, sir." "Why'd you do it?" "I thought it'd be a laugh." "Right. Two weeks PD, Lister. Dismissed." "With respect, sir, the penalty for a crime of this nature is fifteen years imprisonment." "Y'WHAT!?!" "Rimmer, I sentenced this man." "Two weeks?" "That's enough." "Two smegging weeks?" "I said, that is enough!" "With repect, sir, you've got your head right up your big fat arse."
Rimmer... is Rimmer is Rimmer is Rimmer
[ August 12, 2003, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Sanity or Madness? ]
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"Eight weeks PD! How come I get eight weeks and you get only two?" "What did I do to deserve that? What did I do? "You shouldn't have stuck your pencil up his nose! "It was the rubber end! Plus, the doctor will get it out in no time. "You ripped up and ate his wife's photograph." "I didn't know it was his wife. I thought it was a publicity shot for "Planet Of The Apes."
Rimmer suffers the fallout from the above incident
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"Felicitations, beautiful ladies. Back from planet-leave? Let me take those heavy cases. My name is Olaf Petersen. I am very good in bed. It is always an honour to carry the personal luggages of such beautiful ladies." "Petersen!" "Oh, hi." "Petersen, how are you, mate? I don't believe it, it's you! I've missed you, you know. Give us a kiss, you smelly-arsed smegger." "He's just a friend!" "I don't believe it -- it's really you!" "He hasn't seen me since breakfast!" "I'll see you later!" "Sure." "No, I promise. I'll come to your _room_ and see you." "Lister, you DIE for this!"
Lister goes a bit overboard over meeting the pal he hasn't seen for 3000002 years. His old pal, not having seen him for a full couple of hours and trying to round up some female company, is less happy
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"We don't run, we strike! It's the last thing they'll be expecting" "No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero."
Rimmer 1-0 Cat
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"Strike a light, I'm a genius again! I know everything! Metaphysics, philosophy, the purpose of being; everything! Ask me a question, any question, and I'll answer it!" "Any question?" "Yes." "How to break the speed of light? How to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics? Any question at all -- truly anything -- and you will answer?" "Yes." "Okay, here's my question: Would you like some toast?" "No, thank you. Now ask me another." "Do you know anything about the use of chaos theory in predicting weather cycles?" "I know everything there is to know about chaos theory in predicting weather cycles!" "Oh, very well. Here's my second question: Would you like a crumpet?" "I'm a computer with a IQ of twelve thousand. You don't seem to understand; I know the meaning of the universe!" "That is not answering my question." "No, I would not like a crumpet! Ask me a sensible question. Preferably one that isn't bread-related." "Very well, I have a third question. A sensible question. A question that will tax your new IQ to its very limits and stretch the sinews of your knowledge to bursting point." "This is going to be about waffles, isn't it?" "Certainly not. And I resent the implication that I am a one-dimensional, bread-obsessed electrical appliance." "I apologise, toaster. What's the question?" "The question is this: Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite, would you like a toasted tea-cake?"
And who says the Talkie Toaster is frustrating?
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"Kryten, what you doing, man?" "I've just repaired the toaster, Sir. Well, I've nearly repaired the toaster." "Oh NO, man! Dismantle him! You don't know what the little bleeder's like!" "Well, I've read all the documentation, Sir. He's simply a talking alarm clock who provides his owner with early morning toast and light conversation." "Not this one. This one's mental!" "Sir?" "He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast ALL OF THE TIME. He's obsessed with it. And if you don't want to eat, like, four hundreds rounds of toast EVERY HOUR, he throws a major wobbly. That's what caused the accident in the first place." "What accident?" "The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and the fourteen pound lump-hammer." "That explains why he was down in the garbage hold in three thousand separate pieces."
Lister, apparantely
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"I didn't know you could do that!" "Oh yes, I can plug a number of add-ons into my groinal socket, allowing me to perform virtually any household task imaginable." "Like what?" "Oh, you name it: buzz saw, power drill, hedge trimmer ... even an egg whisk." "What, so you just, like, stick the egg whisk attachment on the end and you can, like, whip up a Spanish omelette?" "I certainly can, sir, but it's amazing how few people are prepared to eat them."
Wonder why...
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted
"I don't want you to panic, Arn, but it does appear there's a very tiny possibility that there may very well in all likelihood possibly be a non-human life form on board." "You mean like last time, when you got us all worked up and we went scooting off down to the cargo bay complete with bazookoids and backpacks, and it turned out to be one of Lister's socks?" "I didn't recognise the genetic structure. Biologically speaking, they were a completely new life form."
-------------------- My views are my own and do not reflect those of everyone else... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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