A word from the editor… Face front true believers!
After completing our recent tag team "Omnia mutantur nos et mutamur in illis", I know I’m not alone in saying that I’m more enthusiastic than ever in regards to LMB lore and really flexing out creative muscles with this fun shared universe we’ve created. I think it would be really cool to continue to use new formats to add new stories and subplots to LMB lore and so (as I’ve mentioned to some of you privately) I’ve come up with the idea of an 80 page giant*, where basically we could all post one-shot short stories and art focusing on one or a few LMBers. Similar to the gallery threads so brilliantly done by Monkey-Eater Lad and other Legion Worlders, this would be slightly different than anything done LMB-wise before.
We’ve had some really fun roleplay-events in the last few months (Invasion and the current one on the MMB) and now have had a highly enjoyable and quite excellent tag team thread in Omnia. Here would be something new in that there is no continuity to keep track, so the authors only need be aware of what they would like to post, rather than how it relates to what everyone else has going on. We continually have had a great many onevisions as well, and this would be different from that too. Onevisions generally are multiple-post stories by one author, but here they would only be one post—definitely short stories that someone could enjoy. The goal is to have an incredibly large range of contributors, who could focus on any LMBer, LMB supporting character, alt ID or villain that they would like. Each short story would be one post, although that’s more a guideline than a rule, if you feel that you’ve simply got too much to fit into one post. Pin-up and sequential art would be most welcome!
So this is your chance to follow-up on a subplot that you meant to get back to, or to post a short story that you’ve had floating around but didn’t think had as much girth as you would have liked. Jump right in and have fun with…make it as short or long as you like, as serious or as light-hearted as you’re feeling at the time you wrote it.
The LMB-verse is changing at a faster rate than ever before, and now is the time to showcase whatever character you’d like, whether yourself, someone obscure or someone completely new!
[ February 28, 2007, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Legion World Office of Security
"Tell me Matlock," said the angry voice of Dru the Sorceress, "do you plan on solving this little mystery or not?" Pure anger came pulsating out of her eyes as she spoke. "Because if I don't know for certain that LardLad didn't father the baby of that...oh, how hard it is to hold back what I want to say, I swear there will be repercussions!"
Matlock looked up from his desk and put his fingers to the bridge of his nose. "I don't like what you're saying Sorceress, and it really is none of my business what Gladys does in her spare time..." he began, referring to the recently impregnated Gladys, the sentient disco ball that worked at the Security Office and was known to 'get around'. The father of her child remained in question after one drunken night at the Security Office.
"I suggest you make it your business then, detective," replied Dru, "or I'll make it Legion Worlds!" she yelled, slamming the door behind her as she strode out. Whether she meant it or not, Matlock recognized a threat. He had to; after all, he was...
Matlock, Super Detective of the LMBP!
starring in...The Case of the Father of the Sentient Disco Baby or 'another reason for my wife to get mad at me'
co-starring, the lovely Jailbait Lass!
Matlock sighed deeply. Suddenly, the door opened again, and Matlock looked up to see Jailbait Lass, the assistant to Cobalt Kid (Chairman of the Security Council) before him. Jailbait Lass still helped out at the Security Office, which Matlock was co-Chief of. "It gets worse!" she said, before he could begin to tell her about what Dru the Sorceress just said. Evidently she heard, or knew, or spied, or well, who knew? "The Arch Duke of Time just left a message for the LMB. He said that if Cobalt Kid fathered another child, he would personally go back to the beginning of time and try to end the universe as we know it--evidently, he's still mad at Cobie being his father, so he doesn't want anymore siblings!"
"Great," said Matlock out loud. "This little in-joke isn't giving me any laughs..." he continued, then adding, "...okay, get Polar Boy, Arachne and LardLad to go to the beginning of time and cut off the Arch Duke. Also, have some ensign red shirts follow around Dru the Sorceress, but please, tell them to be subtle. We don't want her getting mad."
"Sure thing Matt," said Jailbait Lass, "here are two now..."
Two low-level Security Officers walked in, a male and a female, both enthusiastic. "Hello, Matlock Sir!" said one.
"Hello Cliff," said Matlock, "you're looking slim," he said, knowing Cliff tried to impress his female fellow officer, Nicole. In truth, Cliff did look pretty slim. "Hitting the gym, like I told you?"
"I sure have," said Cliff, "and hitting it hard. I've been eating right and taking my vitamins too, like you said."
"Atta boy," said Matlock, "now get on out there and make Legion World secure," he said, shaking the young rookie’s hand.
"Well, now what Matt?" said Jailbait Lass. "How are you going to solve this one?"
Matlock sat back in his chair and drank a large cup of coffee. He took off his blue fedora hat and loosened his tie, thinking. "Well, what do we know?" he said at last.
Jailbait Lass, her analytical mind waiting for this, went into it at once: "Okay, fact one. A large party broke out at the Security Office a few weeks ago, where various Security Officers engaged in drinking, gambling, excessive property destruction and other debauchery. During the course of the evening, a few hook-ups occurred. Fact Two, Gladys the sentient disco ball (over in accounting) was at the party, and the following day she woke up pregnant. Fact Three, the participants in the partying were Outdoor Miner, Caliente, Polar Boy, LardLad, Dedman and Gladys. The following day, all were so drunk that none remembered anything, though Miner insists he never had anything to drink."
As she finished, Matlock was quiet. He turned to her. "What else? Anything more?"
"Well," said Jailbait Lass, obviously dying for Legion World's greatest Detective to finally crack the biggest social scandal in recent weeks, "I've read through the medical report on Gladys, and because we can measure the growth of refracted light within a crystalloid sphere, we've been able to pinpoint a rough point of when the pregnancy would have occurred. Rather, when the conception occurred. It is 3:40 AM."
"Crazy science," said Matlock, remembering the days when sentients disco balls had more conservative morals in the workplace. "Let’s look at the evidence," he said.
Jailbait Lass showed him a variety of pictures of the trashed left wing of the Security Office, where Cobalt Kid's office was. Matlock's favorite coffee pot was in glass pieces on the floor, and all the plant life had seen better days.
"At least they didn't destroy the pretzel maker!" said Jailbait Lass joking around, as the pretzel-maker, famous in Security Office lore, was still intact.
"Hm...at least..." said Matlock taking all the pictures in. "I guess we should check out the crime scene..."
Sometime later, at the crime scene...
"Sir, we just got news," said My Whee Fem (the main lobby secretary at the Security Office), "The Arch Duke has attacked the beginning of time, and the LMB has engaged him. Abin Quank is joining them sir, so you'll be the ranking security officer on Legion World. Also, you should know that Taltarian Embassy is looking into the Gladys case, in hopes to prove the mistreatment of females on Legion World, especially among the LMB."
"Glad to know our luck is running true to form," said Matlock, suddenly getting a minor headache. He and Jailbait Lass were looking at all the evidence. "What's that coffee maker say, Lolita?" he asked her.
"2:20," she said, "It must have been the time when it broke. And over here, in the coffee grinds, there's a message...it spells out...uh, you can see it..." On the floor in coffee grinds it said 'Poopie in my pants'.
"Clever," said Matlock, "obviously it’s an anagram," he said.
Jailbait Lass immediately began trying to crack it.
"I'm kidding, Lolita," he added. She stopped, and then smiled. "Over there?" he said, pointing towards the adjacent room.
"Nothing," she said, looking, "just some stains on the curtains. Looks like jager-meister, or an espresso martini. Something thick." She looked at him. She didn't have the slightest clue what to think. Apparently the case would never get cracked. "What do you think Matt?" she said.
"I think..." he said, then pausing, "...I think I need a nice ham and cheese sandwich. Let's hope those Taltarians and Dru weren't serious, and the Arch Duke of Time is a bit more of a push-over this time," he laughed, and she wasn't sure if he was kidding.
Later, in Matlock's office...
Jailbait Lass barged into the office, followed by My Whee Fem, and Gisselle Bonita, Matlock's personal assistant. All three looked to be in a panic! "Matt," said Jailbait Lass, "that crazy cult that worships Dedman is claiming that he's being framed to be the father--they're threatening to kick-off the end of all things! This is getting out of control."
"What do we do?" asked Gisselle, in her Brazilian accent.
"Well," replied Matlock, "I've finished my sandwich, so I guess I'll move on to another coffee," he said breezily. "But while you figure out how to stop all these riots and things, can you have Cliff and Nicole escort Gladys to my office," he added.
"Why?" asked My Whee Fem, "are you going to ask her to speak to the crowds?"
"No," he smiled, "I just want her to know I solved the case!"
Later...
All four females stood before him, and waited. He seemed to be retying his tie, and kept getting it wrong. Finally, it worked. He turned to them...all looked annoyed with faces that said "WELL?!!". "Okay," said Matlock. "Cross Cali off the list. I checked all the gender reversal germs and they're all there. She's not the father."
Silence. Jailbait Lass began to speak as if to say "That's it--?", when Matlock broke back in right before, "and you can cross off Dedman. He confirmed to me that he drank so much alcohol that night that he died of alcohol poisoning around 1:47 AM...but he told me that in his defense, he'd been drinking since 3006. As for Polar Boy and Outdoor Miner, I think I can explain. The new curtains that Polar Boy put up in the Security Office had a stain on them, obviously from coffee--not from any jager or espresso martini. A forensics test shows they were still relatively wet the next day, not occurring until after 4 or 5 AM, which means well after the coffee pot was destroyed. I believe Polar Boy must have been showing them to Outdoor Miner--who really doesn't drink anymore--when they were drinking fresh cups of coffee, and they spilled some on the curtains. Perhaps Polar Boy was slightly drunk when this was occurring and Miner was offering to sober him up. Indeed, in order to get the coffees, Miner must have ported the two of them to Cafe Cramer to get coffee and then ported them back, since the coffee-maker was broken."
"Then, we can check the tapes at Cafe Cramer, to see--" said Jailbait Lass
"Already did, and they're both there. Around 3:00 AM to 4:00 AM."
"So it was Lard Lad," said My Whee Fem, adding, "we are so dead...all of us!"
"Not so fast," smiled Matlock. "Cliff, please tell them why it wasn't Lard Lad."
They all turned to Cliff the Security Officer in shock, wondering what was going on. Jailbait Lass half got ready to give him a beating, expecting him to be the villain of this piece. "Er..." Cliff started, "...you see...I..."
"Out with it!" yelled the girls.
"I...walked LardLad home that night. Well before 3:00 AM. It wasn't him."
"Why the hell didn't you say something?!" said Nicole, his fellow officer.
"Because Nicole," said Matlock, "he was trying to impress you. The other day when I noticed he looked slim, I also noticed he had no calluses on his hands, which he most assuredly would have if he'd been going to the gym enough to get in that good of shape. So, he must have asked Lardy to such all the lard off of him, probably when Lardy was drunk, which he probably did. You see, Lardy didn't have a hangover the next day, and the only way he's able to do that is by absorbing more Lard. But, a full pretzel-maker was right there, and he never even bothered to touch it! Why? Because he sucked Cliff's lard out for him, and thus, didn't need the pretzels."
"B-but," said Cliff, "how could you know that? That's a lot of assuming..."
"Well Cliff, you already admitted to it, so I guess I just deduced it with guesswork and you confirmed it," he said, adding a wink to the girls.
"Gosh, Matlock, you really are a great detective!"
"So, who’s the father then?" said My Whee Fem. "Cobie?"
"No, Cobie hasn't been with another female since Crujectra," said Jailbait Lass defiantly. They all looked at Gladys. "Who else is there?" asked Jailbait Lass.
"No one," said Matlock. "Gladys is a sentient disco ball, and we should all do well to remember that. Next time we should study up on our sentient disco ball physiology. There doesn't need to be a father involved when refracted light within a crystalloid prism wishes to replicate, it just does it on its own. Gladys made the baby all by herself. There is no father."
Gladys suddenly seemed quite sad.
"Its okay Gladys," said Matlock quietly, "I know the Security Office has always given a larger medical payment to unwed mothers and you probably wanted to capitalize on that. And who doesn't mind a little attention sometimes? It must have been nice to be the star of the show..."
Gladys sniffed, and spoke via disco-harmonic vibrations: "the only thing worse than people talking bad about you is no one talking about you at all."
Matlock patted her on the back. "Well, no worries. You can still get the full medical compensation we provide for any mother. We'll support you. And no one will hold any grudge. Everyone makes mistakes."
Sometime later...
Jailbait Lass ate her own ham and cheese sandwich, as Matlock walked by, suiting up to go on patrol. "Matt," she asked. "So what does your report say? What are we going to do about all these problems?"
"Ah, no worries," he smiled, "The Arch Duke was defeated, Dru knows the truth, the Taltarians have moved on to another crusade, most likely involving Tamper Lad, or Hrun, or something, and the cult that worships Dedman had a surprise visit from him last night."
"But what about your report? Will everyone know the truth?"
"Well, my report says Gladys was impregnated by the time-traveling younger version of Cobalt Kid, who came here to meet his older self. Better that than have Gladys suffer anymore over this. After all, she'll be a mother now."
"So the truth, then? It stays here in the Security Office? People are so concerned about this type of gossip, you know."
"I do know," he smiled, "but as to why--well, that's a mystery to me."
The End
[ July 21, 2008, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Ambassador Angra Metternich on :
Legionnopolis, Legion World
8 Months ago…
quote:Originally posted by Magistrate Angra Metternich: <Metternich is clearly rattled, then sees Seth. Metternich sees Seth's hand ready to strike and pushes him back with super-breath.>
<Metternich's antennae twitch.>
"Yes! That one has the means to destroy Legion World! I will adapt his power and destroy it--my Kryptonian invulnerablity will protect me from its explosion!"
<Begins to absorb power.>
"YEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!"
<One of Metternich's tentacle forms a hand, and it starts glowing.>
"And now, I'll...what?"
<His antennae start twitching madly.>
"NO! It's too much! That...that creature is not just one sentient--there are countless sentients comprising him! G-gods, it's-it's too much! MAKE IT STOOOOOPPPPPP!!!!! IT HURTS!!!"
<Reeling in pain, Metternich takes the glowing hand and moves it toward where his brain is located.>
<As soon as it connects, Metternich is completely disintegrated.>
How often, one wonders, is it that people believe that they have seen the last of someone or something, only to be shocked upon that being’s return?
quote:Originally posted by Magistrate Angra Metternich: <Unseen by any, Metternich cuts off the head of Pinnacle Command, making the Magistrate the sole commanding Dark Oval officer on Legion World.>
Send in the Dominator forces first and use up our biological weapons. The damage alone will be worthy of the Dark Oval.
<uses Durlan abilities to slip around unnoticed>
Surely the Legion must have realized that as a Durlan, I'm quite the different diplomat for the Dark Oval! The Dark Oval has Dominators, Hrykosian thugs, cultists...but no Durlans. No, no...I'm a special diplomat, void of any humanity but full of incredible powers.
I am Durlan in all ways, but better. I am the Dominators favored creation, for I too have the powers of Superboy Prime. And Reboot. And Cobalt Kid. And Varalent, Spellbinder, LardLad, Disaster Boy and all the rest! For I can not only mimic any power, I can recreate it. I am a Composite Durlan, and I have been on Legion World absorbing every power for weeks...
Yet, that is probably not true for the Legion; given that normalcy is something they often do not see. This skeptism, while a good survival tool, would be much better used if they could take the time and analyze all facts.
quote:LMB Files: DEDMAN: dedman: Dedman was started of with "the voice of the dead" which is very similiar to Jesse's power in Preacher
Dedman's main power is self-resurrection. No matter how horridly his body is mangled and destroyed, dedman's body will reform and he will live again. This power seems to be somehow tied in with the poltergeist area. This has led the LMB to adopt an odd strategy when facing villians...ie - send in Dedman and while he is busy being destroyed, the LMBP pounce upon the distraced villian.
The Poltergeist Area - noone knows where or what this place really is, but dedman knows all this strange dimension's secrets....or so he says. While in this place dedman exhibits godlike abilities that he does not have in reality. He has also demonstrated the ability to teleport? into and out of this zone at will; as well as bring others with him. Apparently you can also "look out" of the area into reality using a device Dedman calls a "ghost viewer"
Yes…I live, of course. And I will have revenge upon Legion World and the Legion. The Dark Oval will prevail over the United Planets, and I will be granted a great prize…and I will one day resume my command as Chancellor of Legion World.
Flashback…
Angra Metternich crawled out of the Giffen River on the lower east side of Legionnopolis and made his way towards the wooded area. The memories began to flood back to him, and recalled every living moment he had spent on Legion World thus far, and the utter disgust his hundreds of senses felt from this planet. A man approaches? Metternich turns his arm into a scythe and hacks him down, pulling his body across the dirt into the woods. Yes, yes, this will do. He copies the man’s appearance, and matches his clothing, burying the man deep in the woods.
What now, to stay on Legion World or to leave? If he were to leave, it would be now, when the confusion was still ripe in the city and around the ports. But if he were to stay…
End Flashback
[ February 23, 2007, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: Ambassador Angra Metternich ]
Posted by Caliente on :
Arctic Circle, Earth Years Ago...
There wasn't anything particularly remarkable about the girl. Standing huddled under a ledge as an ice storm raced around her, she looked like nothing more than an average thirteen year old. Known simply as B she had no idea that one day she would be called Caliente and a valued member of the famed Legion of Message Board Posters. At the moment, she was far more occupied with not freezing to death on the stoop than her own not so distant future.
Another girl, not much older than B, suddenly raced around the corner, breaking the monotony of the storm. B could just make out her form through the sheets of ice crashing down around her. For an instant, she thought her eyes might be deceiving her because it looked like the girl was wearing only a pair of shorts, thin top and tattered cap. "Hey!" B called, reaching out to grab the girl by her jersey. "Are you crazy? You're going to freeze! Here, take my jacket…"
The girl laughed at B, raising matching platinum eyebrows at her as she begins unbuttoning her outer-most layer. "Are you serious?" she asked in a cool tone. "Do I really look cold to you?" Blinking, B looking the girl over from head to toe. Even with her Coast City Beach style outfit on she didn't look the least bit chilly. Slowly, she shook her head and the girl nodded smartly. "Thanks for the offer but I gotta run…"
Just then, to men in body armor swung around the corner the girl had appeared from just moments before. B heard her swear and quickly thrust her jacket at her again. "Here," she said hurriedly. "Just put it on and pull the hood up. They won't recognize you through the sleet." B shoved the other girl behind her and resumed what she'd been doing before the girl had run by—attempting not to freeze—while trying to look innocent.
The two men stopped in front of B, looming over her menacingly. "Girl run past here?" one of them growled, shoving his helmet into her face. B wasn't sure how it was possible, but she swore she could smell his breath through the visor (and it wasn't good).
"Well?" the other man snarled, clearly overcompensating for his lack of height. (Or something else entirely but B wasn't aware of such things yet. She was only barely a teenager, after all.) "Did anyone run by—yes or no? It's not a hard question."
The first man looked to the second. "Stupid kids," he grumbled, his friend nodding his agreement.
B had heard enough. She might be young, but she wasn't stupid. Judging between the characters before her and the one behind her, it was no contest at all. "I think so," she replied finally in her most sincere 'little kid' tone. "It's really hard to see with all the ice and stuff. But I mighta seen someone go that way." She pointed the way the other girl had been heading, pulling on an innocent face to complete the picture.
"What about you?" the short man barked at the still nameless girl on the run. "You see anything, girl?"
Stepping in front of the little man, B shook her head. "She didn't see anything," she answered.
The first man bent down again. "And just how would you know?" he questioned, voice mocking her where she stood.
B pulled herself to her full height. It wasn't all that tall, though she was closer to the short man than he was to the tall one. "My sister was inside with our parents."
An ugly noise that might be identified as a laugh escaped the short man's lips. "And why can't she answer for herself?" His tone was slightly lewd and all together nauseating. B was ready to be done with these tools.
"She's shy. Especially around strangers." B placed a comforting arm around the girl's waist. "Can't you just leave her alone? She didn't see anything!" Her tone was becoming strategically whiny despite the nerves twisting in her stomach. Couldn't these men just leave already?
The short man looked ready to raise another argument but his tall companion smacked his arm. "Come on, let's get the sprock out of here," he said, gaze turning back down the street. "We don't want to let the girl get too far ahead. Damn weather makes it near impossible to track her."
As the men finally moved off, B let out a sigh of relief. She wasn't the only one. The girl, sweating under the jacket's warmth, looked positively pale. "You all right?" B asked as she threw the hood back. The girl nodded, panting slightly. "I'm B, by the way. Didn't have time to introduce myself before." She offered a friendly hand.
The girl eyed her hand for a moment before shaking it. "What kind of name is Bee?"
B deadpanned. "A nickname." Then she narrowed her eyes at the other girl. "And you are..?"
"Someone you probably shouldn't have helped," she replied in a low tone. "But since you did… well, they call me Frio." Wasn't a name, exactly, but it was all she had to offer. "Listen, I really appreciate what you did and all, but I should probably be going now." Frio shed B's jacket, offering it back to the shivering girl. She started to walk away, then paused and turned back. "Before I do, though, can I ask you a question?" B nodded, slipping her jacket on again and zipping it up tightly. "Why did you help me?"
There was a pregnant pause before B shrugged. "Seemed like the thing to do."
Frio frowned at her. "But you don't know me. Don't owe me anything. It doesn't make sense—why would you just help someone? What have I ever done for you?"
Furrowing her eyebrows, B shrugged again. "I don't know what you want me to say. It looked like you were in trouble and those guys seemed like creeps. It wasn't much of a decision." It was really all she had to give by way of explanation. She was only thirteen, after all. It wasn't like she was over-thinking her decisions. Usually she was guilty of just the opposite.
"Who are you?" Frio questioned suspiciously, dark eyes piercing against her pale complexion.
B shot a funny look at her. "I'm B. I live here on Earth. We're visiting the arctic circle for holiday. I know, right? Some holiday. But where we live it's always sunny. My parents wanted something different this year." She gave her a knowing sort of 'parents are crazy, what's a girl to do?' look to drive her point home.
Blinking, Frio stared at her. "That's it? That's all there is to it? Do you… do you have any idea what you've done for me?"
"Nope," B replied merrily. "But you can come with me into that shop over there," she pointed across the way, "let me buy you something and tell me all about it."
Not giving Frio a chance to object, B linked arms with her and began to lead her out from under the ledge. She braced herself for the onslaught of freezing weather but it never came. Surprised, she looked back to Frio who shrugged once. "Ice shield." B quirked an eyebrow. "I'm from a valley on Tharr where everyone has ice powers."
B furrowed her eyebrows. "Hey, you know, I think I read about that somewhere." She peered at Frio a bit closer. "Is that why you were sweating in the jacket?"
"Kinda." It appeared B wanted a real answer so, with a sigh, Frio began a more detailed explanation as she followed the strange girl into the shop. "You see…" She launched into an explanation about puberty and body changing with B listening attentively. There was nothing extraordinary about the scene as it took place but something was happening all the same—a friendship was being born. Sisters from different worlds had found each other; they just didn't know it yet.
The Beginning
Posted by Stealth on :
Inside her apartment, Stealth put on her jacket and checked her watch. She BETTER NOT be late, Stealth though to herself. As if in reply, there was a knock at the door. Stealth opened it and was relieved to see her immortal friend, Amora the Enchantress; she was even more relieved that she didn't smell any alcohol on Amora -- she certainly didn't want a drunken babysitter watching her son.
"Hi." said Stealth, "Thanks again for doing me this favor."
"Tis my pleasure." replied Amora. "T'will prevent me from thinking about the repugnant resurrection of Asgard in the universe where once I did live."
"Oh, yeah, I heard about that." said Stealth. "Sorry it's turned out that way. Makes me wonder what the hell The Powers That Be are smoking. And, for that matter, what TPTB are smoking at that OTHER universe where I used to live. I heard something about me and some of my ex-teammates being impersonated in some really stupid kind of crisis."
Amora changed the subject. "And where be thy adorable cherub?"
"Asleep, thank the goddess." Stealth answered wearily. "The formula is warm in case he wakes up, feel free to snack on anything...oh, and I also left a movie for you next to the television -- I hope you'll like it, it's called 'Excalibur.'"
"Ah, yes," smiled Amora, "Helen Mirren as Morgan Le Fay -- a splendid performance." She paused. "Although I might have shined even brighter in such a role -- I hath often been an actress of sorts during my long existence...perhaps I should have spent the previous century interacting with the mortals' wonderful world of cinema..."
Stealth forced a smile and changed the subject. "I better go now -- can't keep my teammates waiting while they're fighting an interstellar war, ya know?"
"Yes, of course." said Amora. "I hope tis a memorable and victorious battle. Take care of thyself."
"Thanks, you too." replied Stealth, halfway out the door. "Bye."
NEVER THE END
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
Here's the cover... Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
ONE-PANEL TALES OF THE LMBP #1:
"...and that's what Haggis is." said Faraway Lad.
"And...you people....*eat* that?" said a startled Khund.
"Warriors indeed." muttered his commander, opening his communicator. "All units! Abort the invasion!"
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
The Worlds are Not Enough!!!
starring the Trumpeter!
no picture available
Universe-4
”…reports continue to come in as we attempt to piece together exactly what has happened in this recent series of catastrophes. The United Planets has issued yet another statement regarding the recent destruction of Earth, although at this time, the radiation levels remain far too strong for an investigatory team to get on-planet and figure out what caused the massive destruction of an entire planet….”
“…It began with the coup of the Evil Emperor Penguin, as Earth was subjected to the tyrannical takeover…SMB continued to battle against him, with almost their entire membership engaged in the resistance, fighting back the INVASION…villains throughout the universe banded together to help the Evil Emperor Penguin…though it began to look as if they had a chance, the universe was shocked when apparently a gigantic explosion resulted in the destruction of the entire Earth…”
“I’m telling you Larry, it’s a conspiracy…that is not the Earth of this universe! It simply does not have the same measurements of Earth, and is an entirely other planet. It just can’t be…”
“Really Mel, giving us one of your crazed conspiracy theories so soon after the tragedy…isn’t’ that a little inappropriate?”
“Today was a somber day, as the SMB, the greatest heroes this universe has ever seen, were laid to rest. The surviving SMBers, so few, were seen here, as Lash Lad and his wife, Stretchable Lass, mourned the loss of so many loved ones. Weeks ago the disappearance of Faraway Lad had created a panic among the media, and now that seems so much smaller in scale to the wholesale death of so many great heroes…”
--click—
A purple-gloved hand turned off the various view screens, and threw the omni-remote to the floor. “Enough of that…” said a voice. The man turned now to the cold confines of his lab, and looked at the dead body before him. He had found what had to be the most credible source possible, the UP military personnel that was viewing time/space fluxes at the exact moment was Earth was destroyed. A simple brain removal procedure, combined with an intra-scan of the brain, allowed him to get the information he needed and the rest he just pieced together.
He had heard about the Evil Emperor Penguin’s plan of course, and watched as many of his former colleagues eagerly signed up to help. But this was no ordinary henchman, and he worked for no one but himself. This was The Trumpeter, the greatest and most evil mind in Earth-4. And now his Earth was apparently destroyed, or so the universe believed it to be. But he was much smarter than the universe, and had figured out the truth.
He clicked on his image inducer and assumed the form of an elderly, but fit, gentleman in a science police uniform. He turned to the corpse beside him, with the brain pulled out, and pressed a device, incinerating it, and then left the room, the smell of burnt corpse still in his nostrils.
The entire SMB gone, just like that. The capital of the UP, Earth, also gone. The UP was in a panic and things were spirally out of control. If ever there was a time to strike, it was now.
“Good morning Chief Parker,” a uniformed officer said to him. After all, he had killed the Science Police Chief a month ago and had assumed his identity ever since.
Yes, it was time to strike. But something was gnawing at him. It was almost going to be too easy. And two years ago, his longtime goals had suddenly changed. He knew what it was….
“Chief, that report you wanted is on your desk,” said another officer. “The lab boys are working on that sound project you’ve got going. They sure were impressed by that code you gave them…”
The Trumpeter said nothing. Of course they were impressed. That code could never be created by the Science Police’s best and brightest on their best days. He had thought it up that morning. No, no, taking this universe now would not be enough. If there were multiple universes, with multiple Earths, it would not be right to only conquer one and stop there. All of the multiverse must be his. More importantly, all of the multiverse must pay homage to him and recognize that there was nothing in existence that he could not touch, analyze and experiment on. There was nothing that he could not violate—nothing that he could not make his.
So yes, he would take Earth-4’s universe as his own. But he would take all the rest too.
NOT THE END
more coming soon in a Onevision near you!
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
ONE-PANEL TALES OF THE LMBP #2:
"So how was I supposed to know about this Bill of Rights thing, anyway?" said Cobalt Kid, looking at his pack of freshly-rolled cigarettes.
"Remind me never to time travel with you again, dear," replied Crujectra.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Time Teller Lad in "A Matter of Time"
Tim Temp grew up obsessed with time.
He was always on time for everything. He always remembered everyone’s birthdays. He collected timepieces.
Most people found him mildly annoying.
In adolescence, he discovered he possessed the power to tell instantly what time it was anywhere in the universe and tell the age of any object.
Now, he trains in the LMB Academy so that someday, he’ll be one of the greatest heroes of all time: Time Teller Lad.
“How does that sound?” Time Teller Lad asked.
Rockhopper Lad smiled at his younger friend. “It sounds fine, Tim,” he said as diplomatically as he could. “What’s it for?”
“I’m writing my memoirs. I want to be able to inspire other kids.”
Rockhopper Lad chuckled. “I don’t think you’re allowed to write memoirs before age twenty, Tim. But I’m glad to see that you’re aiming high.”
Tim smiled. “Some of the others think my powers are kind of lame, but I know they have lots of practical uses.”
“They do indeed,” the Pyngwyn Prince said. “Among other things, you’re the best scheduler in explored space. And you’re in the best place to learn how to use your powers.”
“Being at the LMB Academy has been the best experience of my life, Rocky.” Tim paused, savouring the fact that he was allowed to use a nickname that Rockhopper Lad only let close friends call him. “And one day soon, maybe I’ll be a full member of the LMB.”
Rockhopper Lad smiled. “Yes, some day. In the meantime, you’re well-thought-of among the LMB membership, Tim. So don’t be in such a hurry. You of all people should know, you have time.”
But even a young man obsessed with time can be impatient. He idolised the LMBers and had for years and to be in the Academy and to have caught the attention of the LMB’s Deputy Leader was more exciting than he could imagine. But he wanted his chance to be the hero. His mentor’s words to the side, he knew his powers weren’t the most impressive or most useful in a fight. Maybe if he could do more.
The next day after he went over Rockhopper Lad’s schedule with him, Tim asked him “Rocky, what can I do to increase my powers?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Is there any way I can expand my powers? Like you did when you got the super-breath.”
“That just sort of happened, Tim. And to answer your question, I don’t know. I’m not sure how your powers work. Whatever triggers your meta-gene might respond to something and cause them to increase or maybe not. But even then, it’s really hard to determine what that something might be.” Rockhopper Lad put an arm around Tim. “If there’s one thing my encounter with my double taught me it’s what happens when someone has more power than they can handle. We’ve lost some LMBers that way.”
“I still wish there was more I could do.”
Later that day, as he was walking to his dormitory room, Tim heard a very familiar voice say, “Poor Tim. He has potential to do so much more. Pity he’s so weak.”
“Who said that?” he demanded.
“Who said that? Why you did!” And all of a sudden Tim saw himself standing before him. Or it looked like him, but slightly taller and with a more muscular build.
“Who are you?”
“I’m you. At least I’m you on my world.”
“What world is that?”
“We call it Earth-1. You call it Earth-4.”
“Earth-4 was destroyed. Rocky–Rockhopper Lad saw it.”
“He only saw what my Lord wanted him to see.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’ll learn. I came because you made a wish. Your wish is what brought me here.”
“I’m a genie on your world?”
“Oh, no. Much better. Genies are slaves to whoever holds the lamp. I answer only to my Lord and his Consort.”
“The more you say the less I understand.”
“Let’s put it this way. How would you like to be able to do this.” The other Tim waved his hand and everything around them stopped. They walked down the hall to see people frozen in mid-stride. A bird flying just outside the window was motionless in the air. “Or this!” He waved his hand again and the two Tims appeared outside the building. “You see, my Lord has granted me mastery of time and space. I am no longer merely Time Teller Lad. I am now Tempus, Master of Time.”
“Amazing!”
“And all this can be yours.”
“It can?”
“My Lord has given it to me to bestow the same powers on you.”
“I don’t know. This doesn’t feel right. Still, it would be awfully cool...”
“Why don’t you accept the gift on a trial basis? If you’re not delighted, I’ll be glad to take them back.”
“Well...”
“This opportunity will not come again.”
Tim thought for a moment. He was torn. On the one hand, he really didn’t like this “other self”, but in the other, Tim would be able to do so much good with these powers. Maybe they would automatically graduate him from the Academy and he could become a full member of the LMB.
“All right. I accept.”
“Now, remember, you mustn’t tell anyone about this.”
“Will they automatically be forfeit if I do?”
“Something like that. Now brace yourself!”
Tempus waved his hand and time started back up around them. He then put a hand on Tim’s chest and for what seemed an eternity, but as Tim well knew was only 12.7 seconds, Tim felt energies pour into him such as he had never felt. “That’s it!” Tempus said.
“That’s it?”
“You now have complete power over time and space. Try stopping time.”
Tim concentrated a moment and then everything around them was frozen, just as Tempus had done earlier. Lad Boy and Lash Lad happened to be walking nearby. Both were now as still as statues. Outdoor Miner was teleporting in just a few metres in the other direction. The front half of him had exited his portal, but his back half had not.
This all reminded him of a scene he had scene in an early 21st-Century video presentation he had seen once.
Tim smiled at Tempus. “How can I ever thank you?”
“The time will come.” Tempus said ominously as he disappeared.
The first thing Tim wanted to do was to tell Rockhopper Lad about his new powers. Rockhopper Lad had been so supportive of Tim, he just had to be the first to know. He teleported himself to the Rookery and into Rockhopper Lad’s office where he was sitting behind his desk. Frozen in place. Oops! Tim thought. Forget to unstop time. When time began flowing again, Tim shouted, “Rocky! Guess what!”
Rockhopper Lad was more than slightly shocked. “Tim! Where did you come from?”
“That’s my news! It happened! My powers have grown! I now have power over time and space!”
“Just like that?”
“Yes. I can freeze time and I can teleport and...”
“I’m glad for you, Tim, but how did it happen?”
“It sort of–just happened...”
“How did it happen, Tim?”
“I–I can’t tell you.”
“Did it involve radiation? That can be so dangerous!”
“No. Not radiation.”
“Did it involve magic, Tim?”
“Well...”
“Tim, magic can be very dangerous if you aren’t used to it.”
“But look at what I can do!” Tim then teleported them to the middle of the LMBPlaza. “And look at this!” He grabbed Rockhopper’s arm and time froze again all around them.”
“Well, it is impressive, Tim.”
Returning time to its flow, Tim grinned, “now I’m just now exploring all this stuff, but let’s see what I can do to that banyo fruit peel on the sidewalk!” Tim pointed to the banyo fruit peel which instantly withered away to dust.
“How does it feel when you use these powers, Tim?”
“What?”
“Does it feel natural to you. Like using your other powers.”
Tim had to think a moment. It really didn’t and he wasn’t sure what to say. “But Rocky, I–I...”
“You have done exactly what we wanted!” came what sounded like Rockhopper Lad’s voice. Rockhopper Lad and Time Teller Lad looked behind them to see the Evil Emperor Pyngwyn, the Earth-1 Blaine Fey and Tempus.
“Eudyptes!” Rockhopper Lad shouted. “I might have known you were behind this!”
“I knew Tempus’ double would be easily manipulated, Eudyptes,” the Evil Emperor replied. “We just needed for him to make a wish and we could send Tempus here and give him Tempus’ own powers.”
Knowing that his double loved to hear himself talk, Rockhopper Lad asked him, “What do you mean, Eudyptes?”
“We cast a spell, Eudyptes, whereby when this one wished for more powers–which I knew he would do–they’re so feeble–we could send Tempus to him. His desire helped pierce the gate between the worlds. But there was one difference: Each time he used it when Tempus was on our world, it created a tesseract between them. And now that it is big enough for us three to pierce, we will conquer Legion World!”
“Excuse me, Mr. Emperor,” Tim interrupted, “but does the tesseract get bigger when Tempus is on this world?”
“No, you insignificant, flea.”
“Good!” Tim closed his eyes and in the next instant...
In Rockhopper Lad’s office, Rockhopper put an arm around Tim. “If there’s one thing my encounter with my double taught me it’s what happens when someone has more power than they can handle. We’ve lost some LMBers that way.”
“Still, I...” Tim trailed off.
“What were you going to say, Tim?”
“Never mind. I just remembered that old saying about being careful what you wish for.”
Meanwhile on Earth-4
Tempus sighed. “It’s no use, my Lord. The opportunity has passed. The alignment will not be right to try this again for years.”
The Emperor nodded. “Thank you, Tempus. No matter. If not today, I will have Legion World one day soon. It’s just a matter of time.”
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
ONE-PANEL TALES OF THE LMBP #3:
"Hyperenergized Recombinant Growth Hormone, eh," said Outdoor Miner, looking up.
"It will end famine as we know it throughout the galaxy. On my terms, of course," remarked Tamper Lad, also looking up and clutching a huge capsule.
"Uh huh. And you thought Lard Lad would be a prime candidate to test the results."
"He knew the risks. Though I think he was more interested in the free hamburgers."
"Uh huh. He's looking at that Krispy Kreme building kinda funny, isn't he?"
"Look, would you just pop this antidote into his bloodstream, already? I'd like to see the sky again during my lifetime."
"I am so telling Cali about this."
"Cretin."
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
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Edit: Later... Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Origin of Old Dutch the Super-Cow
As the Planet Krypton began to break up, a bovine creature native to the planet was hurled by the explosion through time and space to land nearly a thousand years later in the Netherlands.
Gaining sentience and Kryptonian super-powers, she joined with other super-animals to form the Clean-Up Crew: Ajax the Super-Goat, Bon Ami the Super-Chicken and a somewhat more famous Super-Horse.
Old Dutch served long and well, but the decades took a toll on her memory and her powers. No longer able to fly, she now possesses super-walking. Her heat vision has become lukewarm vision.
In recent times Old Dutch has come to Legion World where she has joined the LMB Super-Pets, particularly forming a friendship with Hyvvie the Wonder Beagle and, by extension, with Rockhopper Lad.
Still heroic at heart, if easily confused, Old Dutch does her best to help in any way she can.
[ March 04, 2007, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: Rockhopper Lad ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
“Poor M’Baku,” said G’jenni, the young female gorilla, “all the other gorillas poke fun at him and call him names, because all he ever does is study his science and conduct experiments! But in our Gorilla society, the most respected career is that of a warrior, and that is why most young male gorillas are warriors-born!”
“Oh, G’jenni,” said her friend V’leri, “you should not feel bad about M’Baku. It is his own fault! He is so wrapped up in his science that he has no social skills at all. He never speaks to anyone other than when he needs help in his experiments. He has cut himself off from the rest of society. Though others are cruel to him, he does not realize that it’s his own fault that he has no friends. One day, it will be his undoing…”
M’Baku, the Science-Gorilla of the Gorilla Tribes of Legion World walked past the game of spear-throwing and sword and shield fighting going on by his side, as the young warriors strutted their warrior skills in front of the young female gorillas, each one showing off their fierce spirits. But M’Baku cared little for this, and continued on down his path to this laboratory as he always did; for he was indeed a social outcast and no one had ever cared to learn more about him, save one. But to M’Baku, this was alright, for he had believed he was destined for greater things, for he was…
M’Baku, the Science Gorilla! Honorary member of the LMB!
M’Baku rushed to his lab, hoping to avoid any unwanted attention from the other male gorillas. At last he reached it. A slender, odd looking chimpanzee nodded to him silently.
“Ah, Satali,” said M’Baku, “I’m sorry I am late. We shall begin immediately,” he finished, and they quickly, and quietly began to work. Satali was his new lab partner, who many believed was even odder than M’Baku. If only they knew that recently M’Baku had saved them all! While the LMB gave him recognition and honored him, the Gorilla Tribes surely did not.
“We are close Satali,” said M’Baku. “My systems are showing that the frequency we tapped into yesterday is once more vibrating at an odd pace. At last, we can discover the means to transport between multiple universes and the multiverse can be explored through a much safer means. Think of all the good that can be done, to have communication open thus! And I can repay my friends in the LMB for their kindness, by giving them a safer way to visit their friends on the multiple Earths.”
“Yes,” said Satali, apparently uninterested, “it was only yesterday that we received the odd signal through your experiment. Some type of sound frequency being broadcast across the void between multiple Earths. As if someone was attempting to open a clear channel.”
“It’s the use of sound, my friend,” said M’Baku. “Through harnessing super-sounds at the very core of the vibrational level, we will be able to harness a means to teleport on a scale undreamt of. Not only across time and space, but between the multiverse. I feel that a scientific breakthrough is only days away!”
Later that night, M’Baku went for a walk through the trees on the bridge of the Statue of Large Handsome’s nose (note: the Gorilla Tribe of Legion World lives on the statue of Large Handsome, aka Middlefinger II, which was accidentally dropped into the jungles of Legion World). As he overlooked the scenery before him, he felt the presence of another, and turned to see G’jenni. “Hello, M’Baku,” she said, very pleased to have found him alone. “A beautiful night, is it not?”
“Yes, it is,” he said, staring strait ahead. He had loved her his entire life, but was far too scared of her rejection to ever tell her. He could travel across the multiverse without the slightest fear, but the thought of conversing with a female frightened him greatly. “I come here sometimes,” he added.
“You have seemed distracted lately,” she said, “and you’re around even less. You should join us all more often in the open plazas…it would be nice to have your company,” she added.
“I…I am busy,” he replied, unable to recognize what she was trying to say, “…I’m quite busy with my experiments.”
“Oh, M’Baku,” she said, “you’re cooped up in there all alone! You need to be around people…no gorilla is an island.”
“I have Satali,” he said, referring to his lab partner, “to keep me company. It would too irresponsible to abandom my experiments now, anyway. I don’t think you would understand…”
G’jenni grew angry, and M’Baku did not realize he had offended her. “I’m sure I would not,” she said in a rage, “for I am just a simple female, not a grand scientist like yourself! Fine, stay with your odd friend. None of us trust him anyway, you give him too much leeway for an outsider. If you wish to be alone so much, then so be it!”
As she walked off, M’Baku knew it was a terrible mistake he had made.
Later that night he was back in his lab working, trying to forget what had happened, to make something positive happen to reinforce his belief that if he could accomplish something by science, it would make up for his social flaws. Satali was there still working. “The frequency is active again,” said M’Baku,” the sound waves are reaching us. I think if could adjust the amps, and use the gravitational enabler, we might be able to create a rift…” said M’Baku.
“Yes,” said Satali,” you’re right! We could expand the rift with the sound and pull out whatever is sending us these sound waves…”
Finally, M’Baku was reaching his goal! Soon, the rift was opened and the anticipation pulsated throughout the room! They were so close! At last, though M’Baku, if he could accomplish this, he could forget all about the rest of the Gorilla Tribes, and G’jenni…
Suddenly, something began to come through the portal. The universe that housed Earth-4 was open! A foot? A person was coming through!
BLAM!!!
The Trumpeter stepped forward, and fired his sonic-pistol into M’Baku’s stomach, knocking the gorilla to the ground. The gorilla’s eyes grew dark, and he suddenly felt very cold.
“Ah…” said the Trumpeter, “Earth-1. And all I need for supplies right here at my disposal,” he said, looking at the rest of the lab.
“You did not have to kill him,” said Satali, who now pressed his image inducer, and revealed his true self: Salad-Tosser Lord! “He was a brilliant mind, and there’s no telling what he might have done…”
“Indeed,” said the Trumpeter, “but he was the enemy. I have no time for those with brilliant minds that refuse to seize the future as their own. You can mourn him later,” he said with scowl. “We have work to do.”
And so M’Baku thought back to G’jenni in his final moments, and realized that they were right. It was them, yes, at fault, but it was he too. He had no friends and never made an attempt to have any. In the end, that was his undoing.
Posted by Lard Lad on :
Clark Marlowe in “Interview with a Legend”
From Clark Marlowe’s personal journal
I still can’t believe it! It’s been several days since I landed the interview of the century, and I’m still reeling! And as if it weren’t enough that the interview was the most reclusive, influential man of our time, the other stuff I learned from him--that I cut out of the official version of the interview--was staggering. Little did I know as I sat down with E.J. “Engine Joe” Brande, that I would learn so much more about my own personal mystery…and how it is connected to one of history’s greatest heroes!
E.J. Brande, as my official article states, perfected the most practical version of the warp drive engine in that it is energy-efficient and faster than the old cold fusion models. But his largest accomplishment was his push to make the United Planets a more unified entity than it had been in its half-century-plus of existence before he became involved . Indeed, it was crumbling at the seams before three young super-powered teens saved Brande’s life, and he was struck by inspiration. He formed the Legion of Message Board Posters around those teens and sought out representatives from most U.P. worlds and beyond to symbolize what the United Planets can be. And the U.P. has never been more cohesive in the eight years since the LMB’s founding, even surviving intergalactic wars and Earth’s secession. All thanks to this extraordinary man.
All of this had been roaring through my mind as Brande’s personal assistant, Kel Ratan ushered me into the legend’s own private estate, located on an asteroid in a top secret location. About his home, I was instantly struck by two things: One, that it was not very lavish for the man who had accumulated more wealth than had ever been seen in the galaxy. And two, it was decorated in a very retro fashion, more appropriate to a millennium ago. The walls, the floors, the furnishings…they were all fashioned from wood. There were artifacts from that era all around. Paintings. Old two-dimensional video viewing boxes. Black discs with engravings on them that could be used for audio playback with such enigmatic names as ‘Elvis Pressley’, ‘James Brown‘, ‘The Beatles’ and ’Marvin Gaye’ written on labels in their centers. And scores of colorful print tomes known as ’comic books’ displayed in polymers all over the walls and in display cases everywhere. I’d heard that this legend had an affinity for the era, but never had I guessed it was so pronounced!
Finally, Ratan ushered me to Brande’s expansive study. All four walls were covered with wooden shelving, and each shelf was loaded to bear with countless books, all of the old-fashioned variety with pages made of yellowed paper. All told there had to be tens of thousands of them in all.
And in the center of the study was E.J. Brande himself, seated behind a wooden desk and reading one of his many books by the light of an antique kerosene lamp. He was crouched over in such a way that, at first, I could only make out his snow-white hair, part of his brown, furrowed forehead and the very tip of the antique pair of glasses he was wearing.
“Mr. Brande, sir,” Ratan said, “your guest is here.”
“urm?” Brande mumbled, then reluctantly lowered his book and eyed both myself and his personal assistant with a look of mild annoyance before his lips curled upward into a broad smile. “Ah, yes--Mister Marlowe! I’m quite the admirer of your work!” And he stood up, revealing a bit of a paunch to his belly. He was dressed in a manner that matched his surroundings, wearing a pair of blue denim pants and a flannel shirt of red and black patterns. His face appeared aged quite a bit from what footage I’d seen of him from a decade ago. But he looked very dignified, his beard neatly trimmed, his hair meticulously sculpted. His brown skin had kind of a shine to it, and his big ebony eyes were filled with life.
“I’m beyond honored that you contacted me about doing this interview, Mister Brande,” I responded, trying to stop myself from gushing.
“My boy,” he smiled, “the honor is all mine!” and he motioned for me to approach his desk. His hand was there waiting for me, and I extended mine to accept the handshake. “Sit down.. please! Would you like a drink Mister Marlowe?” he asked and motioned toward a cabinet that undoubtedly held some beverages that would be appropriate to the motif of his home.
“No, thank you, Mister Brande. I’m fine.”
“Oh, by damn--just call me ’Joe’!”
“er…okay…Joe…where would you like to begin?”
He grinned widely. “Straight to the point, I see--I like that!” He turned his attention to Ratan for a moment. “Leave us, Kel. I’d like to talk to this young man in private.” And with a nod, Brande’s personal assistant left the room. Then, Brande turned his attention back squarely to me. “First, I’d like you to tell me what’s going on with my kids!”
I knew immediately that he referred to the LMB, and for about an hour, it was he who did the interviewing as he probed me deeply with his questions for all of the details behind what had been going on with them and Legion World over the last few years and, particularly, the last few months regarding the Invasion and the 52 affair. Brande listened to my words with rapt attention. Though he’d ceased direct involvement with LMB activities after he helped finance Legion World’s construction, it was obvious that Brande’s heart was still with them.
Finally, his curiosity sated, he let me start asking the questions. And I noticed immediately that his attention wasn’t fully on my questions though he answered them very well. It was as if he were waiting for something. And he continually fumbled with the necklace he was wearing like a bored child might fiddle with a an ear or a lock of hair while waiting in the lobby at a doctor’s office. At some point I started feeling mildly annoyed at him as he continually tugged on that necklace. I just wanted to yank it off his neck to get him to stop doing it…until I looked at the necklace and saw what was the chain.
Seeing it, I stopped mid-sentence with the question I was trying to ask him and just gaped at it. Suddenly, he stopped manipulating the charm and asked me, “is something wrong, my boy.”
The part of me that wanted to clam up because I had been hiding something from the galaxy at large lost out to the part that was thirsting for knowledge. “That necklace your wearing…the crystal…”
“This?” he said, acting surprised I would mention it. “Ah, yes…this is quite an interesting artifact.”
As if it had no will but to do otherwise, my hand grasped my neck and unfastened my collar, revealing the nearly identical crystal that was imbedded in my skin right below my Adam‘s apple. Absently, I stroked the crystal between my thumb and index finger.
“By damn…you have one, too,” was his response. Oddly, there really wasn’t much of a note of surprise to his tone. “Where did you get that, lad?”
“I…I found it back home…in Kansas…when I was a boy growing up there. I wore it on a necklace, not unlike your--it was my lucky necklace.”
“This one,” he replied, holding up his own crystal, “is said to have come from Kansas as well. In fact…it is said to have belonged to a legendary hero…the one from whom my nickname is derived!”
I understood immediately. “Engine Joe?”
Studying my reaction with a careful gaze, he nodded. “Yes, my lad, it is believed that it belonged to Engine Joe, and further…” his eyes locked to mine, ”it is said that this crystal was the source of his powers!”
I tried to use my best poker face to hide what that last bit meant to me as I held his gaze. All the while, I was thinking fiercely about how this explained so much. How, during the climax of the 52 crisis, I suddenly found myself with a gamut of Kryptonian powers. And how those powers helped a coalition of substitute legionnaires turn the tide against overwhelming odds on Legion World while the LMB at large were fighting a threat off-planet. How we saved the day because of my fellow reporter Chloe Lane’s sacrifice in her guise as Bat-Fem. And how my powers completely vanished after the crisis had passed.
Finally, I responded, “I’d never heard that Engine Joe’s powers came from a crystal.”
He paused for a long moment and let the comment hang there before he finally asked me, “lad, have you ever heard of Superman?”
I searched my mind for the name. Superboy-Prime? Supergirl robot? Yes and yes. But Superman? “No, sir. I haven’t.”
“That isn’t surprising, lad. For this Earth, this universe never had a Superman. But in universe after universe after universe, there has been a great hero, greater than any other. Typically, he shows up in Earth histories in the 20th and 21st centuries. Any universe that has a Superman is taught the true meaning of heroism. In each of them it is clear that his presence was crucial to pull Earth and the universe out safely through what is consistently one of every continuum’s most volatile eras punctuated by a series of Crises. But our Earth…which we call Earth-1...which, truly, any Earth that knows of the multiverse calls itself…is one of the very few that didn’t know the heroism of Kal-El of Krypton.”
I felt like asking Mister Brande how he can possibly know of such things, but, somehow, I put aside the skeptic reporter in me and just listened.
“On Earth after Earth“, he continued, “a rocketship, that had been launched from the doomed planet of Krypton by two loving parents hoping to save their infant son from their fate, landed in the latter half of the 20th century near Smallville, Kansas and was found by a loving childless couple who raised the boy as their own. That boy grew up to be Superman.”
“But on our Earth, the boy died long before the rocket arrived. It seems a shard of the destroyed Krypton was lodged into the vehicle and penetrated its shielding. The infant within died quickly, but the rocket continued its course and landed where it did in virtually every other universe. Unfortunately, the Kryptonite breach damaged the ships landing systems, and the rocket exploded on impact, killing the couple who in other universes would have found a son to adopt and destroying the child’s remains with the ship’s complete incineration. The authorities at the time chalked the whole thing up to a freak meteor fall.”
“However, some very significant artifacts survived the crash, though scattered across Kansas. You see, Kryptonian technology was based largely on crystals. Kal-El’s rocket contained many of these which were intended to educate him on his heritage and the powers his parents knew he would acquire under Earth’s yellow sun. One such crystal had the ability to restore Kal’s powers should they be depleted. It was broken into three pieces in the explosion---this one…” he fingers his own crystal as he says those words, “yours and one other that has never been recovered.”
“The one I wear on my necklace is the very same one that a teenaged, African-American farmhand found while harvesting corn in late 20th century Kansas. The crystal endowed him with the Kryptonian powers that were intended as an emergency option for Kal-El. It imbedded itself in that young man’s neck, just as yours had. And over time, that young man became our galaxy’s replacement for Superman, and he served that role very well, most say, doing his part to avert all of those Crises that plagued the era. Earth-1 had no Superman, but they had Engine Joe.”
Still taking all this in, I managed to say, “that was quite fortunate for us, wasn’t it? If almost anyone else had found that crystal, the story could’ve been quite different, couldn‘t it?”
“Mayhaps, my lad, but I believe the crystal knew what it was doing. I think maybe it chose him and that there was nothing random or accidental about that young man finding the crystal. Remember that, as you contemplate your own crystal. Have you manifested any of its gifts?”
After a moment’s hesitation, I finally answered, “yes, I have during the 52 affair on Legion World. But the powers…went away afterwards. Maybe the crystal shard only had a little bit of power to give…I don’t know.”
“Or maybe,” Brande continued, “the power only manifests in you when it’s truly needed.”
“Did Engine Joe’s power turn off and on when needed?” I asked.
“No,” he said with confidence, “not in the way you mean. Engine Joe retained his power for nearly a hundred years without it turning off. My belief is that his role in that era was so crucial that he was needed virtually every day. Only after the Times of Crisis passed, did his power go dormant. You, my lad, live in an era in which there are a Legion of heroes poised to fight any and all crises that come about, so you are not necessarily needed on a day-to-day basis. Though that could certainly change some day. If my theory is correct, I hope you will never be needed constantly, as it would probably mean the LMB would be failing or no more. Engine Joe relished his role as Protector, but it was a very heavy burden to him at the same time. The day he was no longer needed was the day he truly began to live life.”
I couldn’t stop myself from commenting, “you sure seem to know a lot about Engine Joe!”
“Look around you, lad,” he smiled and motioned around, “I’ve dedicated a not-insignificant part of my wealth toward learning everything I can about the era! You sink enough money into a project, you’re bound to find at least a little bit of what you’re looking for!”
Looking Brande squarely in they eye, I asked, “whatever happened to Engine Joe, Mister Brande?”
“Who knows?” he winked. “He probably died eventually. Or perhaps he’s immortal, or just extremely long-lived as a side effect of the crystal. No one may ever know for sure!”
“Not even you, Mister Brande?”
“Joe! Call me Joe!” he reminded me. “Lad, money can only buy so much…but if I do know what happened to him, I’m not telling. Understand?”
With perfect clarity, I asserted, “yes, I believe I do, Mister- Br---Joe. I believe I do.”
“So,” Brande asked, “ready for that drink, yet?”
“Yes, I believe I am, Joe!”
And we talked into the wee hours of the night, and I cobbled my official piece together from the later conversations. I omitted everything from the piece about the conversation that I documented here, in my own personal journal and certainly my suspicions about how he might have learned all the information he passed on to me about my crystal and Engine Joe.
If I‘m right, it can‘t be understated how much more important to the LMB this man is beyond even what is known. The hero Engine Joe was and is a powerful influence in inspiring LMBers to be heroes themselves. He even shared a few adventures with them as a teen traveling through time. ‘Engine Joe Boy’ was the first honorary LMBer and has his own statue in Legionnopolis and a new one in the recently-completed Peace Gardens depicting him as an adult.
Could Engine Joe and E.J. Brande be one and the same? I have my suspicions, but I have such tremendous respect for both that I will never put them in writing for public consumption. Perhaps, one day, Joe will confide in me and let me share this wonderful secret with the universe. If that day never comes, I won’t regret anything.
But I now know more about what my own future may hold. If Brande is truly Engine Joe, I have little doubt that his seeking me out to do his interview was a means to talk to me about the crystal. He must’ve seen it on those newsfeeds when I reported in tattered clothing, my crystal bared for all to see. I hope that if I’m ever needed again, that I can live up at least somewhat to Engine Joe’s shining example.
THE END(?)
This work presented with acknowledgement to some of the ideas presented by Bill Banzer (aka Loser Lad) in his short story,“The TRUE Origin of the LMB!!!”
[ February 22, 2008, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: Lard Lad ]
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
LMB 80 PAGE GIANT PRESENTS: COLONEL WELLESLEY AND THE TEMPLE OF THE INVISIBLE HAND
At the Evil Genius Club Tamper sat at the Host's table explaining the situation to his some-time business associate Nova Girl.
"He went where?" yelled an incredulous Nova Girl at Tamper Lad.
"The Barbarian Frontier. He's gone to recover an artifact of great value for me," answered Tamper her irate stare rolling off him as water off a ducks back.
"Tamper, he's an old man. Not to mention he's not totally with it, you know. If he gets hurt I'm holding you personally responsible."
"Nonsense, your father can blend in like a local even out there."
The City of Glarg located on a planet in the hinterland of UP space had once been home to a centre of knowledge. That changed generations ago when it fell to the Barbarian Horde. Over the ensuing centuries, the new rulers assimilated the remaining population. Today, much of the old knowledge has faded into legend. A recent UP military expedition re-established a 'civilized' presence on the planet and now men from the civilized galaxy come in search of valuable treasure.
In the market square, hundreds of Barbarians went about their business bartering or selling their various catches of the day for various trinkets or tools or goods needed for barbarian life. Amongst the wind and sun burnt barbarians, strolled a dignified older gentleman wearing a pith helmet, safari jacket and Bermuda shorts. Behind him, he pulled a large steamer trunk and a keg using an anti-gravity dolly. He was Colonel Wellesley, father of Nova Girl, founder of a food empire but now semi-retired to a life of adventure.
"I say there, would anyone happen to know Interlac? I'm looking for a young man an off-worlder." The Colonel asked several locals.
"Urk rug?"
"I suppose that's no. I'll be quite upset if I can't find a place to have a spot of tea this afternoon," He said as he turned to his left looking at a kiosk in the market. “Oh, look these native handicrafts will be absolutely stunning in my daughter's collection. How much for the set, my good man?” he asked pointing at the table and making a circle motion around the set of figurines.
"Urk." Came the answer as the vendor held up five fingers.
"I do say I have a bit of trouble with this currency. Now five of the silver ones, exactly how many copper ones is that?" he mumbled as he dug around in a sac containing coins of the local currency.
Just then, the vendor became frantic, gesticulating to get the Colonel's attention. Two shifty looking men had hijacked the anti-gravity lift that contained his luggage and were now running across the market.
"I say! Thieves! Stop there, scoundrels!" Yelled that Colonel as he turned chasing his luggage. The thieves had a head start of several seconds but the Colonel, surprisingly spry for his age, kept pace. All the while, coins fell out of his wallet jingling to the street to the delight of several young street urchins who started their own chase for the silver and copper coins.
Pulling his late-model officer's stun pistol, a relic several wars old, the Colonel took shots at the would-be thieves. The pace of the run made hitting the men a difficult task and all he could manage was to steer the men away from the market into a narrow lane.
As the chase continued, the Colonel's age was caught up with him and the thieves pulled away. They were about to reach the other end of the lane and certain freedom when out of an alley jumped a man who unhitched the lift causing the steamer trunk and keg to drop to the ground with a thud.
As the thieves escaped, the man spoke, "Colonel Wellesley sir, I'm Kent Clarkson and I've been expecting you."
"Ah Clarkson. Good show. I've been searching all morning for our man on the ground. Shall we go discuss things over a cup of tea? This chase has left me quite parched," the Colonel spat out as he panted to catch his breath.
Later at the Hotel United Planets over tea and crumpets…
"A gift from civilization, Clarkson," said the Colonel as he pulled a case of his famous pudding product from the steamer trunk and the cask of beer.
"Why thank you sir. I'm sure I'll enjoy these. I assume that Tamper provided you with the answers to the riddles on the map?"
"He did."
"Then we should set off tomorrow morning. It's at least a day's journey through heavy forest."
So they set out on a long day of hard travel. They began by using their all terrain vehicle but after an hour off the trail, the forest became too dense to go further. So they went on without, hoping to reach their destination before nightfall. Due to favorable weather and firm ground from the recent dry season, they made relatively good time. Though Clarkson was a newspaper correspondent by trade, he quickly grew tired of listening to the non-stop stream of stories told by the Colonel.
"Clarkson I wouldn't call this heavy forest. Back during the wars I led a team of..."
"Before we found 'Nica my wife and I started the food products company where we hired disabled veterans..."
"Tamper Lad and 'Nica constantly got into trouble. Once they crashed her new space cruiser into a ball of pudding..."
"Nica's a smart girl, she runs the company now. I spend most of my time travelling and hunting for big game..."
Late in the afternoon, they reached the wreckage of what had been in pre-barbarian days an orbital factory. During the fall of the world to the barbarian horde, the authorities scuttled the plant and crashed it into this uninhabited area. Of a more recent vintage was an obelisk built adjacent to the site. It read in an old seldom seen language, 'Destruction is the process whereby resources are allocated and the new is created'. The Colonel and his young guide puzzled over the words for a moment before Clarkson broke the silence by stating the situation.
"Colonel, we still have over a third of the way to cover. I don't think we can make it there today. We should camp for the evening."
"A good assessment Clarkson, we can find some cover in this old orbital factory. Find a spot and I'll start the tea."
As they took their turns watching over the fire, the night passed nervously but uneventfully. Setting off again at dawn, they reached the Temple of the Ancients just before midday.
"Here we are sir. We've been unable to solve the riddle which seals the door. It's some sort of mathematical equation. But the input parameters keep changing."
"Not a problem. TL has given us the solution," said the Colonel as he keyed in the combination to reveal the entrance. "Now follow me."
The explorers walked single file into the tunnel that opened before them. Creeping slowly forward they came after several minutes to a chamber with a table in the centre of it. A figure appeared before them on the opposite side of the table. He was a strange being, looking like a cartoonish caricature of a human. He had a round head and rotund body; wore a tuxedo with top hat; had a monocle in one of his eyes and held a walking cane in his hand. He spoke:
"You have proven your quantitative skill in reaching this point, stranger. Now you must prove your guile in a challenge of wits. If you lose, you will forfeit your life. Sit at the table when ready." The figure sat at the table. The Colonel gave Clarkson a nod and sat at the table opposite the figure.
"Choose your weapon, stranger," said the temple's guardian.
"Clarkson! Which should I choose? I'm partial to the top hat but the thimble looks lucky, and everyone wants to be the race car."
"The iron, sir?" suggested Clarkson meekly. Thus Colonel Wellesley chose the iron and the reading of the rules began. "The object is to bankrupt your opponent by acquiring and developing properties, collecting rent on property they land on. Conversely, you must pay rent if you land on property owned by your opponent and if you become bankrupt you forfeit your life."
"Clarkson what do my notes say about this challenge?"
"Don't own real estate that you wouldn't want 'Nica living in on her own; Cause a housing shortage; Buy Low, Sell High; and try to get into jail and stay there to save money after all properties are owned."
The game began with the Colonel landing on Mayavale Place; the image on the screen was of Cobalt Row on Legion World. Angry looking unemployed alien men sat on the stoops. Winos and addicts lay passed out on the sidewalks. The colonel did not buy the property. Six hours into the match, the Colonel was sent directly to jail where he remained for three circuits by his host. The match was finally decided when the nameless opponent landed twice on Levitz Plaza, which the Colonel had developed into a space hotel.
The challenge disappeared and the door at the far end of the room opened allowing the Colonel and Clarkson to venture into the next room. Entering, the door slammed shut behind them trapping them in a room with a giant open champagne bottle and a normal sized buffet table. Unable to go back their way forward was blocked by a chasm.
"Clarkson, tell me what's on that table?"
"Unopened tins sir."
"Open one."
"It's full of gelatinous balls. Yuck! They're salty!"
"Clarkson you fool! This is fine caviar," said the Colonel taking a taste. "Quickly open six tins. I’ll work on the bottle."
Clarkson opened the tins while the Colonel recovered the giant bottle's cork which lay on the ground. He fastened a pair of belts to the cork which could be tied to their waists. Together, he and Clarkson aimed the mouth of the bottle to the across the chasm. Finally they winched themselves the cork and the tins of caviar to the mouth of the bottle.
"Climb in Clarkson. Fasten yourself to the cork and seal the bottle behind us. Good. Now empty the tins into the liquid below us."
"But sir, that will blow the cork off. How do we know this will work?"
"Have some faith, son. If Tamper was right about the treasure, the invisible hand of self interest will keep us safe."
With that Clarkson and the Colonel quickly dumped the caviar into the champagne causing bubbles to form rapidly. After a few seconds the cork exploded in a cascade of champagne across the chasm into the treasure room.
Resting on the table before them were three leather bound volumes.
"Behold the treasure which we seek."
"Three books, sir?"
"Not any books Clarkson. These are the only surviving first editions of 'An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations'; 'Capitalism, Socialism, and Democracy'; and 'A Monetary History of the United States'" said the Colonel lifting the volumes from the table.
As they held the volumes a mystical light bathed the room lifting them into the sky as the roof of the temple opened above them and a moment later they were back at the hotel where they sought to wind down at the bar. At the end of their discussion the reporter said, "Colonel Wellesley, sir. It's been a pleasure. This adventure should be published in the upcoming Sunday Edition. I'll send you the copy in advance."
EPILOGUE: The Wellesley Room, Evil Genius Club, Legion World
"Daddy, you're back! Can I get you your tea?" said Nova Girl as the Colonel came in and sat in his plush leather recliner.
"Miss me, did you 'Nica?"
"I was worried. Tamper said you…"
"You needn't have been. And Tamper only thinks I went to get the books for him, I’ll be donating them to the UP Library."
"Oh! This will kill him. Let me tell him Daddy. Please?"
"Fine dear, he might take it better from you. I picked up some barbarian souvenirs for you. I'll show you when you're over for dinner Sunday. By the way, your mother expects you to bring a boy with you."
THE END
Posted by Lard Lad on :
Tony and Chuck in “Wherever the Ball Bounces…”
Note: The events in this story take place between Invasion and "Omnia mutantur nos et mutamur in illis" in LMB continuity.
Lard Lad uses his Lard Force sensitivity to make sure every thing is aligned properly. It is. He looks around and is satisfied that the planetoid he’s chosen is isolated enough and will serve the other purpose he has in mind. As he looks again down at the steep, rocky hill, he thinks, yes, this will do nicely, and he grins. Then, he closes his eyes and searches for the beacon he will need to home in on. Within a few short moments, he finds it, and, eyes still closed, he raises his right hand. It glows bright purple, and a portal forms in front of him.
After determining the portal is stable, he speaks: “All right, Chuck--come on through!”
In the next moment a portly man steps through, dressed in a blue and white shirt and black pants and flashing a bright smile. “Tony!” he says, beaming.
“Chuck!” is Lardy’s enthusiastic reply, and the two exchange a warm embrace.
“My god!” Chuck says, standing back to better assess his friend. “You’ve lost weight!”
“Wish I could say the same about you, old pal!” Lardy chuckles.
Chuck laughs right back. He is way past the point in his life when fat jokes get to him. “I can’t believe it’s been five years already…”
“…and ten since I helped you cross over.”
“Man, ten years…” Chuck says wistfully. “...ten years since I decided this universe wasn’t right for me.”
“Let’s face it, Chuck, it never was--you were about the shittiest Lard Knight to ever train at the monastery!”
“I don’t know what it was, Tony…I just couldn’t get into all that sword and sorcery crap, y’know?”
“You drove our masters crazy, Chuck. The only way you were ever able to manifest the Lard Force was through the old self-inflation thing…what you called the ’bouncing boy‘. And every Lard Squire worth their salt could do that!”
“Well, you sure never were too crazy about it, were ya, Tony?” Chuck laughs.
“No, I wasn’t. I don’t know…I guess I felt a little silly doing it, y’know? Even my fellow LMBers have never seen me do that one, I hate it so much. I still can‘t believe you got into your Legion with just that cruddy trick!”
“I told you last time, Tony, they rejected me at first. I think even after they saw I could use it effectively, they mostly admitted me because they liked me. Hell, a year or so later we admitted this guy named Tenzil whose power was even lamer than mine. Get this--his thing was that he could eat anything!”
“Hell, we can both do that, Chuck! But seriously, my Legion are always admitting people just because they‘re hot!” And the two roar with laughter.
After the two start to calm down, Chuck says, “by the way, Tony, I’ve got big news this time around--shortly after the last time we met...I got married!”
“Married?!?!” Lardy gasps. “No WAY! Shit--was it to one of the girl Legionnaires?” Chuck blushes and nods. “Who? Was it that shy Violet girl? She sounds like your type..”
“Nope,” Chuck laughs, “turns out Vi may be playing for the other team…if ya get my drift! But no...I married Lu…the girl I told you about who can split into identical twins.”
“Her? You lucky BASTARD! Man, you must be having three-ways every night!”
“Yeah, pretty much,” Chuck blushes, “but I think one of her likes me better than the other...”
“Wait!” Lardy says remembering something, “wasn’t she the one who had the big crush on that Superboy?”
Chuck’s face loses some of its brightness. “Yeah, she did,“ he says quietly. “She never says it, but I think part of her will always hold a torch for him. It’s been really apparent lately, since Superboy died.”
“He died?” Lardy puzzles. “Crap, wasn’t he supposed to grow up to be your Earth’s Engine Joe or something?”
“Yeah, he was…or so we thought. It’s real complicated and involves pocket universes and stuff...but one of our worst enemies wanted us to think we’d met a young Superman, but the real Superman never was Superboy.”
“Sounds like a really sick bastard, Chuck.”
“Yeah, they don’t get much sicker than the Time Trapper, Tony. And Lu’s been really distant since all this happened. We saw some action again as Substitutes recently that got her mind off it for awhile, but I’m afraid she’s gonna do something really rash to avenge Superboy’s death. She’s been shutting me out so much since it happened--I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m no expert, Chuck, but my advice would be to leave her alone, and let her work through this. She’s been married to you for, what, four years or so? She’ll get through this, and besides, what can a girl who can split into two do against an all-powerful enemy? Give her some space, Chuck.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right, Tony. But she’s been very vulnerable since she lost her third body a couple years before we got married…”
“If she could survive that, I’m sure she’ll get through this, Chuck. Man, I always thought your Legion was a more bright and sunny version of mine.”
“Maybe it was at one point,” Chuck says contemplatively, “but since we got married and began to phase ourselves out of the Legion, it seems Legionnaires have been dropping like flies. I mean right after the wedding, we lost Lyle, and Condo soon after. And lately, Karate Kid, Supergirl and Superboy in less than a year. I can’t help but feel that things are about to get even darker.”
“I hear you, Chuck,” Lardy says, bowing his head. “Things have gotten pretty bad over here recently, and a lot of it’s been centered around me.”
“What’s happened?”
“Well, in the five years since I last saw you, some really good things happened. Most significantly, the LMB found a permanent home…an artificial planet we call Legion World.”
“Wow! That sounds pretty good, actually! Our Legion got a new mobile H.Q. awhile back, but it’s still on the same site that the old upside-down rocketship was in Metropolis.”
“Don’t get me wrong, Legion World is great, Chuck. But I’ve recently done everything I could to screw things up…”
“Like what, Tony?”
“Well, you remember me telling you about Mordra, right?”
Chuck nods, knowing the damage that woman did to his friend’s life from their last meeting.
“She came to Legion World over two years ago, after I’d been looking for her for years. She disguised herself and tricked me into sleeping with her…she used that act to transfer my powers to her before disappearing again.”
“That--that bi--” Chuck fumes, his face turning red.
“Stop, Chuck, I know you were never much of a cusser. Anyhow, being played by her like that brought back everything in spades from when she killed my Leelee years before. I dropped everything and set out alone looking to get my powers back--but mostly, I was lusting for revenge. Long story short, Chuck….I eventually found Mordra, and…gods…I killed her and her no-good husband.”
At a loss for words, Chuck whispers, “Tony, I…”
“I know, Chuck,” Lardy interrupts, “that’s not what heroes do. Even worse, though, I got my best friend…other than you, of course…to help me hide what I’d done. And it keeps biting me in the ass! Last month, it caught up with me as Mordra’s husband’s empire attacked Legion World because of it. All the while, Cobalt stood by me as I maintained my innocence. Lots of innocent people died in that conflict, and Legion World itself was nearly overrun. And I resorted to doing something else very cowardly and unheroic to end the conflict. In the process I may have killed mine and Cobalt's friendship. Last time I saw him...he punched me out.”
“Good lord, Tony--and I thought I had some stuff to lay on you. Geez…”
“Makes you feel a little better, huh?” Lardy responds with a half-smile. “The worst part is that most of Legion World’s citizens are touting me as a big war hero. They’re almost unanimously behind me because of a few feats I performed and a faked-up acquittal someone obtained for me. I don‘t know if I can stay there, even though I love that place so much. The guilt is just eating me alive!”
“Well,” Chuck offers, “you could confess…”
“I can’t Chuck,” Lardy says rubbing his eyes, “it’s past that point, now. If I were to backpedal now, it would cost Legion World and the LMB heavily from a diplomatic standpoint. This whole thing has got all the galactic powers too close to the brink, as it is. If I do what’s right, everything could go to hell overnight.”
“Look, Tony,” Chuck asserts and looks his friend squarely in the eyes, “all you can do now is learn from this, move forward and do everything in your considerable power to balance the scales. Understand?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Lardy concedes.
“And never forget what you did for me! Growing up in that orphanage back in ol’ Gus Crek, you looked out for me, as I looked out for you. Then, when we were both working at the grocery tesseract and the lightning struck us on the lard aisle, you helped me re-form when I had melted all over the floor. And when we both were taken to the Lard Monastery, you stuck with me, even though I absolutely sucked in every single skill training course. I was scared and shunned by all the other Squires. You were the best, by far, in the whole damned Order, but you never left my side! You stuck with me, and that means everything to me!”
“What else could I do?” Lardy smiles. “You were my ‘brother’, and nothing could ever change that.”
“I know,” Chuck says, smiling back. “And then you made the biggest sacrifice, ever for me. In one of your advanced skill classes, you learned how to breach dimensions under certain conditions, and only during a specific time. I was lost at the monastery and had no family but you. The Order wouldn’t allow me to leave. I begged you to help me, and you opened that portal for me ten years ago…and you let me go. On this ‘Earth-2’, I found its version of my birth parents, the Taines, and they took me in, their own Chuck having passed away the year before. Soon after, I made the LSH, giving them a fake origin story in the process, and found a life the likes of which I’d never dreamed! And it’s all because of you…my brother.”
"Do any of them know your secret?"
"No, I haven't told anyone. I'll probably tell Lu some day..."
“I'd recommend that," Lardy advises knowingly, "secrets have a way of eating away at you." Thereis a significant pause while Lardy looksat his friend. "Y’know,” Lardy laughs, “it’s amazing how much we look alike, Chuck! There’s this guy I’ve found, Eryk, who may be my actual brother, but he looks nothing like me, while you--!”
“Hmmm,” Chuck thinks, “I was never one for facial hair, though. I see you’ve trimmed down to a goatee…”
“You should try it, Chuck! I bet your Lu would love it, especially when you go dow--”
“Whoa, Tony!” Chuck says blushing, “too much information! Maybe though…maybe I’ll try a mustache…” and he puts a finger over his upper lip. “Come wiz me, baybee…we can make ze beeyootiful muzeek togezzair!”
The two crack up at that one and take several minutes to recover.
“I…ha-ha…I betcha go for the full beard before long after you try the ol‘ tickler, Chuck!” Lardy laughs.
“Never gonna happen!” Chuck insists and blushes anew. And then he starts. “Tony! How much longer’ve we got?”
Lardy reaches out with his powers. “Damn! Only a few minutes before the window closes again!”
“Well,” Chuck says, “we better get to it, dontcha think?”
“Alright, pal,” and Lardy points to the slope he’d picked out. “How’s that one grab ya?”
“Doesn’t look very challenging,” Chuck assesses, “but I guess it’ll haveta do in a pinch. Ready to blow up?”
“Ready!” Lardy laughs.
And both men inflate themselves into ridiculous-looking round balls.
Chuck shouts, “Alright, Tony…on your mark…get set…”
“GO!” Lardy screams and starts rolling down the hill.
“Cheater!” Chuck yells and careens after his friend.
The two men laugh like children as they bounce off rocks and try their best to maneuver themselves to the bottom as quickly as possible. In the end the first one to the finish line is the one who’s spent the most time honing this particular ability.
“I win again!” Chuck taunts.
“Oh well,” Lardy fires back, “at least there’s something you can do better than me!”
“Time’s almost up, huh?” Chuck says sadly.
“Yeah.”
“Y’know, buddy,” Chuck offers, “you could come with. Maybe you’ll like it better…”
“It’s tempting, Chuck. Really tempting. But I’m through running away. And there’s a lady that I think I want to get closer to…”
“Yeah? Who is it?”
Lardy blushes for the first time this day. “Her name’s Dru….she’s a sorceress.”
Chuck thinks for a moment and remembers something. “Dru? Not the evil chick with the beard?!?”
Lardy laughs, “people change, Chuck….and sometimes..they lose their beards!”
The two crack up yet again, but Lardy is interrupted by a warning from his senses. “Shit! Time’s up, Chuck.” And Lardy makes another portal appear before them. The two men hug again hastily and Chuck heads toward the doorway to his adopted dimension.
Lardy quips, “seeya in five years, Chuck! Next time I’ll whip your ass!”
“As if!” Chuck says with a smile. “Take care of yourself.”
As Chuck vanishes, Lardy whispers back, “you too, pal…you too.”
And Lardy uses his flight ring to depart the planetoid‘s surface. God,he thinks, it was great beyond words to spend time with Chuck again. Married? Wow. Hmmm…I think when I get back, I’m gonna ask Dru out….
Never the End!
[ March 08, 2007, 03:31 AM: Message edited by: Lard Lad ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
“Look! Up in the sky!” said a woman, grabbing her young child. “Its your favorite LMBer, Sam!” she added.
“*choke*” stuttered the young boy, “when I grow up, I want to be like him, the most heroic LMBer of them all! I want to be like…
POVERTY LAD!
Poverty Lad flew across the streets of Legion World, hurling gold coins to the children below, laughing as they scrambled for them. Such was the nature of Poverty Lad, who swore off all forms of riches to live a life void of material gains and complete with the satisfaction that he was doing good in this world. His Martian appearance had long been accepted by the citizens of Legion World and he was among their favorites—by far the favorite of the young children. His LMB trading cards were the most valuable of all.
But suddenly, all was not right in the world! A giant pterodactyl flew across the sky, lunging at him with a fury, unleashing some awful heat vision and dragon breath upon him, so that he quickly flew out of his way. “Not today dacty!” he said wittily, and maneuvered around it, hurling it into the sun. He laughed and landed below.
“Pov! Pov!” all the kids screamed as he signed all their autographs. He then walked into Café Cramer to order a refreshing beverage after the quick workout he had in the skies above Legion World.
“Sure thing Pov!” said Sarah, the counter girl at Café Cramer who got him his beverage of choice.
Pov turned, to see a pair of young teenage local tuffs walking in to the Café. They had an odd look about them and his telepathy picked up on it immediately. Quickly, they pulled out urban blasters long associated with the Rimborian youth gangs, attempting to hold up the Café!
*Gasp!* said Sarah.
“No worries young lady,” said Pov, instantly using his Martian abilities to turn into a snake like beast that grabbed the two assailants and subdue him. “This was a job for Poverty Lad!”
Later, Pov ventured back into the streets, walking among the admiring crowd. However, his super-hearing picked up a strange disturbance! Could it be…? Yes, meteors were raining down on Legion World! He immediately flew up into the sky and began blasting them away with his heat vision, going immaterial to protect himself from their fiery debris. Within a minute, all the meteors were destroyed and Legion World was saved.
Pov flew back down to LMBP Plaza, taking a moment to feed the various kittens and grown-up cats that normally gathered there. He laughed. “You can come out now…” he said with a grin.
From the shadows, Lash Lad, Beagle Boy, Cobalt Kid, Spellbinder and Crusader emerged smiling. “Still keeping track of the date, eh?” said Beagz with a laugh.
“Of course. Five years to the day. Five years since I first joined the LMBP, and every year all you old timers try to play tricks on me like when I first applied for membership,” he smiled, and they were all hugging him, and slapping him on the back. Cobalt wrestled with him a little.
“We have to! We don’t want you getting cocky now that you’re one of Legion World’s most beloved heroes!” said Lash, teasing.
“I see …” he smiled “…well, in that case, the jokes on you…” he added, and suddenly, his form changed and he was revealed not to Poverty Lad at all, but none other than Seahorse, a long-time member of the LMB that had left the team many years ago before the creation of Legion World, but was missed greatly still. All of the LMBers were blown away by this reveal and were delighted to see their friend, and laughed with him and enjoyed his company.
“But wait,” said Beagz finally. “If you’re here BBSea, where is the real Pov?”
“Oh no…” said Crusader, guessing at what trouble Pov could be getting into.
“Guys…” said Cobalt. “Look at your omnicoms. The nightly news…”
”And in related news today, a string of odd occurrences took place today for various members of the Legion of Message Board Posters, as Lash Lad vowed to participate in a kissing auction for charity money…Cobalt Kid and Spellbinder had a strange fight in public today, where she referred to him as ‘Michael Jackson reborn”…”Beagle Boy last seen at the space-carwash at Grand Central Space Port, where his promise to wash every cruiser from here to Touston in nothing but a pink bikini was taken seriously…”
“Hm. Seems like the jokes really on all of you,” added Seahorse and they all couldn’t help but laugh.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Prologue: From the Personal Journal of Tamper's Undisclosed Location:
“There are few finer pleasures on Legion World. On quiet mornings like this one, sipping hot tea while catching up with the printed accounts of latest misadventures of the Legion of Message Board Posters.”
Tamper Lad turned away from his recording. He was unable to keep his focus on it, still upset over Colonel Wellesley’s decision to donate the treasure that had recently been discovered in barbarian space. The worst part was that it was him and not that blasted Colonel who'd solved the riddles leading to the discovery. And, aside from the books’ historical value, their recovery held an almost religious significance to the normally agnostic Tamper Lad.
“Nonsense that's not how it happened at all,” he thought as he choked on the so-called facts surrounding the LMB's actions in saving the Museum of Internet Smut from destruction. He grumbled to himself about the accuracy of the media and concluded that to get accurate news, Evil Genius Inc. would need to buy up all the media outlets. Evil Genius Ink would be a perfect name for this new business unit. There. Coming up with names for business units never failed to raise his spirits.
As Tamper patted himself on the back there was an unexpected call on Comm system. Calls at home were a rarity, though more often than one would expect at a Secure and Undisclosed Location. Come to think of it, real estate sales would be another perfect venture for Evil Genius, Inc.…
On screen was the flaming visage of Nova Girl looking a bit more dour than normal. “Good Morning Tamper. Hope this isn't a bad time?” she greeted in her all-business tone.
“Is there ever a good time?” snapped Tamper, still smarting over the role she'd played in his latest loss.
Not that she cared. “Probably not. Listen TL, I need a favor,” Nova Girl said in her sweetest voice.
“I don't like your tone.”
“You never like my tones," she replied briskly, a note of annoyance in her tone. "But if you'd rather, I could list all the times I saved your behind...”
Tamper blanched. “Really, that's not necessary. What do you want?”
“Remember the vanilla pudding?”
“How could I forget?” said Tamper sarcastically.
“There’s a problem with the production...”
“And why pray tell should I help you with this?” Tamper questioned in a rather disinterested tone.
Nova Girl sighed. It always pained her to offer anything to Tamper. “Fine. If you handle this, I’ll take you as my required date to my parent's dinner this weekend so you talk to daddy about those books.”
Raising his eyebrows, Tamper smirked lightly. “Dinner at the Wellesley’s, how can I refuse?”
LMB 80-PAGE GIANT PRESENTS… TAMPER’S JOURNAL OF WEIRD SPACE SCIENCE
“When I heard the words vanilla pudding, a flood of memories came streaming back into my consciousness. There were so many pleasant memories of a more worry-free time and weekends on the galactic rim where everything was new and waiting to be discovered. The nature of this assignment simply demanded that bring a companion. Caliente was appropriate for several reasons and I thought I would enjoy at least enjoy the trip in the LMB cruiser,” dictated Tamper into his personal log computer.
Caliente rolled her eyes at the magazine she was reading. "So where're we going?" she asked in a bored tone. Glancing his way, she rolled her eyes again adding a, "Geek," under her breath.
“Quiet, Caliente. We are on a commission from Nova Girl.”
“Oh Really?" Cali put down the magazine, interest perked. "You really are a slave for us fiery girls.”
Tamper shot her a look. “Caliente, if Hrun the Barbarian had as much money as Nova Girl I'd be his wench too.”
Picking up her magazine again, she shook her head. “Repeat after me—T.M.I.”
He shook his head. “I'm beginning to regret bringing you.”
Cali smirked behind her magazine and lowered it again. "Why should this be different than any other day?" she said quickly. Then, before he had time to process, she changed the subject. “So what's this job she’s got you on?”
Reaching into the cooler Tamper pulled out a tin of a prepared food product and tossed it to Caliente. “As you know, Nova Girl's family is in the prepared foods business. They achieved their greatest success with this.”
Turning the label Caliente revealed a tin of Nica and Friends Vanilla Pudding. It was a common enough product but until this moment she had never made the connection. On the label were cartoonish renderings of four young sentients: a Tamaranean Girl, a geeky looking green guy and two other individuals Cali didn't recognize.
“So the dork on the label is you?”
Tamper ignored her insult. “Yes, Nova Girl and I discovered this product years ago.”
“But it’s pudding." Cali furrowed her eyebrows at him. "It can't be discovered.”
“Er… well, let me explain…”
“Ooh, time for a flashback!” Caliente cracked open the pudding and prepared to be at least moderately entertained.
Thankful for an excuse to shut Cali up and pass the time, Tamper began his tale without further ado. "It was about fifteen years ago…
"Friday afternoons at the space dock of the Evil Genius Academy were always chaotic. Students would mill about waiting for their rides, engaging in inane planning for weekend frivolity. On this occasion I was tapping on my omnipad doing some important work that I can’t seem to recall right now."
"Some important work," Cali interrupted sardonically.
"Look, do you want to hear the story or not?" Cali nodded, mouth full of pudding. "Then quiet. Anyway, at some point I was joined by Gill Bates who was on his way to his vehicle.
"Now the ever popular Gill cut quite a dashing figure amongst his fellows and was something of an oddity at the Academy. The only member of the class of nerdy analysts that could be described as an athlete, Gill was the natural leader and organizer of all their outings.
'Hey, TL, you gotta ride out to the party this weekend?'
'Sure thing, Gill. I'm coming with Nova.'
'Sweet, she’s pretty hot.'
'I really hadn't noticed.'
'TL, you gotta open your eyes and get on top of these things. The girl is smoking,' said Gill, laughing at my total lack of common sense for things that mattered to most people.
'Well maybe she uses too much moisturizer; you know what happens when Tamaraneans come in contact with those oily crèmes,' was my rather naïve and nonsensical answer to Gill.
'You are hopeless, TL. I can’t even think in numbers big enough to describe how hopeless you are. Anyway, you know where it is. See ya later and BYOB.' Gill smiled as he shook his head and walked away, chuckling under his breath.
"I thought nothing of our interactions until later. 'Thanks for the ride ‘Nica,' I said as I sat in the passenger seat looking at the data feed on the omnipad.
'No trouble seeing as we’re neighbors and all,' Nova Girl replied, peering over momentarily.
'True, scale economies due to our proximity do make this more than expedient.'
'No big words, TL. It’s the weekend.'
'Okay.' That was when I remembered Gill. ''Nica, I have a question. What is BYOB?'
'You’re so hopeless. Fly this thing, will ya? I’m gonna to do my makeup,' Nova Girl commanded with an exasperated look. Releasing the controls she pulled down the vanity mirror and proceeded to flip her hair several times peeking over to see whether I was paying attention. I was being both teenaged and male at the time.
"Most of my mind, however, was more engaged in flying the vehicle, hands at 2 and 10 o’clock as per the instructional course we’d all recently concluded. Several minutes into the sequence there was a loud THUNK.
'What was that?' asked Nova Girl looking up from whatever girly thing she had been doing at the time.
'I think I just hit one of those micro black holes,' I told her matter of factly.
"She looked at me like I was crazy. 'Um how could you do that?'
"I shrugged. 'I thought I could straddle it and skirt the event horizon'
'Great!' she cried, throwing her hands up in the air. 'It just threw us way off course and tore a hole in our fuel cell. Daddy’s gonna kill me.'
'Worry about that later. We need to land to take a look at the damage.'
'That asteroid looks good.'
"Landing the craft was not the end of our worries, as we soon discovered that the surface we landed on was not actually solid. The nose of the vehicle started to sink into the soft surface and we had to climb up and over the back. Nova Girl had to fly me out because I was having trouble climbing. Returning to the sinking ship, she managed to get some of the gear before returning to me.
'HELP!' I shouted. 'I’m sinking here.'
'Hold on, I got you, you big baby. It looks a little more solid over here,' she said as she set down with me with the gear. Our vehicle was now totally submerged in the goo.
'The entire surface is composed of this substance ‘Nica,' I pointed out obviously.
'Yeah but what is it?' she questioned. 'And what’s that smell?'
Using my superior intellect, I'd already deduced an answer to that question. 'It is composed of simple short-chain carbohydrates, lipids and glycoproteins. It also contains significant amounts of 4-Hydroxy-3-ethoxybenzaldehyde which is responsible for that smell.'
“She blinked at me. 'So you’re saying this stuff is vanilla pudding?'
“I nodded. 'Correct, it’s quite edible. Though I wouldn't recommend it. I'm reading contamination with anandamine.'
“Rolling her eyes, she crossed her arms. 'Lovely, so we also get high if we eat it?'
'Possibly…' There was an ominious noise. 'What’s that sound?” As soon as I asked, I realized that we were not the only living things on the surface.
'Gee now what? Local wildlife?' asked Nova Girl with her patented annoyed, rich girl expression as she looked to the sky.
"Bat-like creatures were swooping down at us; coming from every direction. They were vicious things and quite large, too. I got smacked hard and was knocked to the ground. Looking up I saw the most majestic site any young boy could ever hope to see. Nova Girl was in flight and at full flame burning those nasty creatures and chasing them off. I could see her naked fully lit silhouette against the dark sky. I would suggest that in that moment my lifelong obsession with girls with flame powers was born.
"That’s about all there is to tell about that. We spent two weeks on that pudding ball repairing our emergency beacon and waiting for the search party. It was difficult because all we had to eat was that pudding and the high level of anandamine made it difficult to concentrate.
Caliente blinked at Tamper. "That's it?" she asked, mouth hanging open. “Two teenagers alone for two weeks high on vanilla pudding and that’s all there is to tell?" She shook her head at him, mouth opening and closing second time. "You… you… loser! My God. Such a geek. It hurts. You put other geeks to shame." Smirking, she raised an eyebrow at him. "I always knew you liked us hot girls, though. I mean, the drool was a dead giveaway but still. Ha! Nova Girl got you good and you never got nothing for your troubles." She snickered for a few moments, then sobered and tapped her chin curiously. "There's one thing I don’t get, though. Why is there a ball of stoner pudding just floating in space?”
Tamper looked at her and smiled slightly. “We discovered later that within the pudding ball there is a megascopic organism on the order of 200 meters in diameter. The pudding mixture is a sugary secretion that contains narcotics. It serves to attract and drug potential prey for the creature. For our science study that year we created a system to harvest and wash away the psychoactive effects of the slime to make it a viable product.”
Cali turned green. “So… this stuff I’m eating is really slime from some sort of giant space amoeba?” she questioned in a low tone, fear evident in her voice.
His smile turned into a full on grin. “Indeed it is,” he confirmed.
Throwing the empty package at his head, Cali made a b-line for the rear hatch. “God, I think I’m going to be sick!”
THE END
** thanks to Cali for the Editorial assist
[ March 11, 2007, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: Tamper Lad ]
Posted by Yellow Kid on :
Yellow Kid sprawled on the divan in the office on the 945th floor of the Primary Color Gang's Headquarters, snoring softly as the communicator chimed. The Gay Green Giant's voice rang loudly through the air. "Billy!" "Dang it Billy wake up! Don't force me be unladylike!"
Groggily answering the summons YK says, "Umm? Grunt. What, Bob? I was having the nicest dream about...uh, nevermind."
"Grab some security and head down to the floor. Would you please? Oh, get Bluetooth Kid too. I want some special talent onboard for this."
YK stretches and yawns, buttoning up the monk's robe he traditionally wears and replies, "Oh allright. This better be good."
"It is. Sarya's here."
"Crap! The Empress? I'll be right down."
Moments later the LMBP hero and the newest member of the once infamous Primary Color Gang arrive in a tense situation. The Five stand poised as if they expect to be attacked at any moment, the Gay Green Giant stands colsely and speaks to the Emerald Empress.
YK speaks in a low voice to his companion, "It's imperative that you monitor all electronics here. Tharok is particularly adept at breaking security systems. We're counting on your cyber-powers here. Time to step up into the big leagues buddy."
Blue Tooth nods his head at Yellow and they walk side by side into the room.
Standing regally in the entrance to the Supervillian's Emporium, Sarya of Vengar and her entourage awaited the attention of the management.All the while the sales staff studiously avoided looking at her and the members of The Fatal Five.
The Giant hurries toward the group in the entrance to greet the Emerald Empress warmly "Sarya Dahling! So good to see you. Have you decided to do something about the field of grass you grow on your beautiful head?"
The Empress glances coldly at Bob and answers imperiously, "Evillo has announced an "event" and I plan to attend next week. Do you think you can do something with my companions here so they don't embarrass me at a formal event?"
"Oh my yes! I've been dying to put something colorful on Tharok for years."
Tharok "harrumphs" and turns away to study the artwork on the walls. "Sketchlad?"
"Why yes. I didn't realize you had an eye for art." The world famous giant claps his hands and says, "Jimmy! Please take this fellow to the men's formal wear assortment and see what we may have in stock."
An immaculately dressed and coiffed young redhead moves to Tharok and tells him to "Walk this way please." Avoiding the obvious joke, the half man half robot supervillian follows the boy to the selection of handsomely tailored formal wear.
Another clap of the hands and another staffer appears at 3G's side, "Escort Validus to the cafeteria will you dear? He's such a sweet boy and boys are always hungry. I happen to know he's particularly fond of desserts. Be sure to have Chef prepare him something special." Validus grins happily as the young curvaceous blond sales girl takes him by the hand and leads him away.
A quiet buzz in 3G's ear announces that Tharok has been busily attempting to hack the security systems of the building while trying on a series of Tuxedos.
"Sarya dear? Will you please tell your cyborg to leave my security systems alone? I'm afraid his efforts are wasted. Given the nature of my business there are a series of power dampers installed in the building that effectively render most of my customers powerless while they're shopping. I'm afraid my insurance provider insisted on it." "And will you PLEASE tell mano to quite touching things?"
The Empress glances at Bob and waves at the Eye which swiftly floats away. "That's what I thought. The Eye has been quite annoyed since we came in."
"Oh well." The Empress adds, "It's not like we're here to kill anyone today. I have to admit, Bob, that I'm quite enjoying this. It's not often that a girl as notorious as I am gets a chance to do a little shopping without having to fight the Science Police too."
"Well, that's sweet.",says Bob. "Here, I simply must see how this emerald lame looks with this new outfit."
In the meantime Mano, as uncooperative as always strolls through the shop peering into cases and refusing to speak to the sales assisstant following him around. "Sir? may I interest you in..." "Grunt" "Maybe a buff on that lovely bubble?" "Grunt" "Sir, really! The Emerald Empress frightens the bejeebus out of me. Will you at least pretend to look at a few of the wonderfully tailored Tuxedos?"
Mano turns slowly toward the polite youn man, "I really don't care. Tell you what. You pick out one that fits me and we're finished. This party Sarya wants us to go to is probably nothing more that another attempt by Evillo to foist one of those disgusting children of his off on some hormonally challenged super doofus. It really doesn't mean much to me."
In the cafeteria validus happily crams a three layer chocolate cake in his mouth and smacks lustily.
The three members of the PCG stand in the doorway waving goodbye to the Fatal Five. The male villians were carrying several colorfully wrapped packages and glancing nervously at the Empress who was smiling broadly and waving back happily at the store clerks. "See you next year losers!" Validus was licking chocolate sauce from his fingers and grinning like a 5000lb idiot.
"Did he get anything from the systems, Billy?" YK asks the new kid, "Well?" "Only if you count thirty three java games, Season 2 of Batman Beyond and a download of the last four years of 3G's advertising." They laugh together and sigh wearily. Turning together they walk back inside.
[ March 16, 2007, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: Yellow Kid ]
Posted by Spellbinder on :
Posted by Spellbinder on :
“What Happens On Ventura…”
Starring Spellbinder, Fat Cramer, Caliente and Saturn Girl
“Eleven in the corner pocket.”
The pretty blonde leaned forward over the table, cue stick in hand and aimed at the small red ball on the large table before her. Her eyes narrowed in concentration and she adjusted her angle slightly. Triggering the button on the cue stick with one finger, a beam of hard light lanced out from the end of the stick, connecting with the ball with an audible crack. The little red ball shot forward, barely missing twelve other balls before it ricocheted off the side of the table.
As the ball dropped into the corner pocket, the woman directly across from her crossed her arms, one eyebrow raised. “Are you sure you’re not using your powers, Crujectra?”
The psionic Princess of Psyonia stood up, laughter twinkling in her eyes. “I’ve been spending a lot of time with Cobie, Cramer. He’s been teaching me all sorts of terrible things.”
Fat Cramer smiled, shaking her head. “I can only imagine.”
Spellbinder and Fat Cramer had come to Ventura three days earlier for a little well-deserved rest and recreation. They had been accompanied by Caliente and Saturn Girl. The four women had been dividing their time between spas and casinos, but tonight they had decided to try something a little different. That was how they had ended up in the bar known galaxy-wide as “Whortbeast Ugly.”
Caliente had just returned from the bar carrying a tray of refreshments, which she sat down on the table next to the turbopool table. Crujectra could tell by the look in her eye that Cali’s gears were turning, so she prepared herself for the worst. “You know, Crujectra, I’ve been meaning to ask you something, and I’ll warn you that it’s a bit personal.”
Spellbinder picked up her drink and leaned against the table. “Do your worst, dear,” she replied, her curiousity piqued. Fat Cramer and Saturn Girl moved in closer.
“Well,” Caliente began, wondering how best to phrase it. She decided that blunt was best. “Why on earth are you dating Cobalt Kid?” She raised a hand to fend off any protest. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Cobie. He’s a great guy. He’s also a bit of a…”
“Flirt?” Saturn Girl offered helpfully.
“Pig?” Fat Cramer jokingly offered, less helpfully.
Caliente looked a little uncomfortable, obviously wishing she hadn’t started it. “Well, let’s just say that I never would have put you two together. Maybe for something short term, but you seem to have… domesticated him. Kinda.”
Crujectra laughed. It was more or less what she had expected. “Well, he’s far from domesticated, but he has settled down quite a bit. Cobie has sewn more than his fair share of wild oats in the past, but that doesn’t really bother me too much. You can’t change the past, and as you said, he is a great guy.”
“Don’t you ever worry he might… stray?” Fat Cramer asked.
“Good luck keeping something like that from a telepath,” Saturn Girl offered, sipping from her drink.
“Well, in theory I would probably be able to pick up that sort of betrayal through my telepathy, but it’s really not necessary. I trust Cobie.” Three skeptical looks forced her to sigh. “Well, and there is the soul-link, of course.”
Caliente frowned. “You know, I still don’t quite get that whole ‘soul-link’ thing.”
Crujectra looked thoughtful, wondering how best to explain it. “Well, you’ve heard of people referring to their partners as their soul mates, right?” Three heads nodded. “Well, for Psyonians, we sometimes take that to the next step. Powerful psychics can sometimes forge deep bonds with the person they are meant to be with. It’s far deeper than a telepathic bonding, although that is part of it. With a soul-link, you share thoughts, emotions, sensations.”
“Like two halves of the same person?” Saturn Girl asked thoughtfully.
Crujectra nodded. “Exactly like that, Caroline. I have complete faith in Cobie because he is my soul mate. He is the person I was meant to be with, and the feeling is mutual. Don’t get me wrong, he is still a terrible flirt, but I don’t mind that, because I know his heart belongs to me.”
Caliente laughed. “Who would have thought that I would kind of envy one of Cobalt Kid’s relationships?”
The four women laughed.
“Well, you little ladies seem like you’re having a good time,” a deep voice rumbled from behind them. “I think that we can show you a better time.”
Fat Cramer looked up to see four big men standing at the corner of the turbopool table, weaving slightly as they held nearly empty glasses. “Thanks, fellas, but we’re just fine on our own.”
The big man in front scowled a little, his lip curling slightly as the words slurred from his mouth. “That wasn’t a request, little lady.”
The four women looked to each other, then turned to face the drunken men. They clenched their fist in preparation.
“Remember, ladies,” Crujectra said as the four women moved apart slightly, “no powers.”
“I love a good bar fight,” Caliente said, smiling. “Frio is gonna wish she had come along.”
“Let’s do this fast,” Saturn Girl said. “If I have to call Scott to bail us out of jail at this hour, he will not be happy.”
Posted by Lard Lad on :
A month after he left Legion World seemingly for good, the man formerly known as Lard Lad finds himself a little bored, alone as he is now in his and Dru’s suite. His new role as essentially a house-husband is taking quite some getting used to, he’s finding. Certainly, it’s a major change of pace from the role he’s been playing the past eight-plus years. He was a man of action: a hero fighting in the front line’s for what was right, and a socialite blazing whatever path he chose to blaze on the galaxy’s party scene.
But, truthfully, all that began to change over two years ago when he originally left the LMB and pursued a burning vendetta to its bitter end. That act left a scar on his soul, and the repercussions from it continued to dog him until he’d buried himself so deep in lies and guilt, he came to where he no longer recognized the face in the mirror. To him, the hero was gone, as was the partier who could no longer take joy in the simple pleasures of the night.
When he was at his lowest, though, he miraculously connected to Dru, a former enemy, and their souls bonded. Through this great love, both found redemption. He then discovered that the only way he could heal all the way was to leave behind the two roles he used to cherish so much. Ultimately, he knew that he’d dig himself deeper and deeper into this dark hole if he kept on the path he’d been on.
So, he and Dru married and left his old life behind forever. And he’s happy. A little bored, but happy. He and Dru were made for each other, and it seems like they’re getting closer every day. But he wouldn’t be human if he could just block every thing about his old life out of his mind.
Today is one of those days. With Dru being away, Lardy finds himself looking through old holo-pics of various eras of the LMB, especially the ones from when they moved to Legion World and on. And though he’s already made some friends here on Zerox, it’s the holos of his friends from the LMB that he’s viewing and missing the subjects of right now. Eryk. Lou. Darden. Cali. Rocky. So many others.
But soon, it’s a holo of himself and the man who he considers his best friend in this universe that he mulls over the longest. Des. Cobalt Kid. He remembers this holo well. It was taken during one of their frequent visits to the pocket universe run by one Phineas B. Fuddle, which was Party Central for the LMB for a short while, a few months prior to their permanent settlement on Legion World. The holo was taken at their request by Stu just before Lardy and Cobalt headed out for perhaps their most debaucherous “mission” ever, even among dozens such that have become legendary in the United Planets and beyond!
Lardy laughs heartily as he recalls…..
Nothing Sacred!
…a semi-erotic cautionary tale starring Lard Lad and Cobalt Kid!
Ah, yes…The Remarkable Worlds of Phineas B. Fuddle. It was a time in LMB history unlike any other. The LMB was in its third year of existence and contemplating relocating from the D.C. district of Metropolis when Lash Lad found a gateway into a secret pocket universe most unique. The man called Phineas B. Fuddle had used his considerable powers to fashion a psychedelic universe with several worlds all designed for the pursuit of pleasure.
The LMB-at-large flocked into it and brought with them a sprawling entourage of alt-I.D.s and gen-chars, groupies and free-thinkers to what seemed like a never-ending party. Their time there would sadly be short-lived, but if there was a Party Hall of Fame, the time of Phineas World’s reign would definitely be a charter inductee.
It was on one such occasion that original LMBers Lard Lad and Cobalt Kid found themselves, as they often did during that time, chilling with one of Phineas’s gurus, Jose Luis Garcia Lopez, and indulging in certain recreational substances.
“Dude!” Lardy exclaimed, “Jose, that’s a seriously freaky shape you made with that smoke!”
“¿Qué?” was Mr. Garcia Lopez’s bewildered reply. Lardy and Cobalt started howling with laughter and rolled off their bean bags. Seems there was a language barrier between Jose and the two LMBers, and ’Que’ was pretty much Jose’s stock reply to their questions as a result. Why he tolerated the two was a mystery since they pretty much reacted the same way every time he gave his puzzled reply. Possibly, it was amusing to him to see how they couldn’t handle their recreational substances.
After the laugh riot finally ran its course, Cobalt lamented, “man, pretty soon we’re gonna have to go back to Metropolis cuz our leave is running out.”
“Bummer,” Lardy replied in dismay. “Damn, Des…we gotta do something awesome before we go back, man!”
“Well, it’s been purty awesome here, ya know? We could just go to one of the worlds here we haven’t partied on yet!”
“Dude, we’ve been to ‘em all, man! We gotta do something’ kewl like…like…”
“Like what, man?” Cobalt prompted while caressing an imaginary naked pixie.
“…like…DUDE! We could go party with some space-nuns!!!”
“What?” said Cobalt.
“¿Qué?” said Jose.
“Space-nuns, dude! I heard ‘while back about this convent in the middle of nowhere, full of young virgin chicks who’re, like, all into their sacred woman-ness and stuff! They’ve, like, never even seen a guy and all! We could show ’em what they’ve been missin’!”
“Whoa…” muttered Cobalt in response, while simultaneously contemplating the fern growing out of his navel. “Let’s do it, Lardy! But first…ya got any garden shears?”
“¿Qué?” said Jose.
-------
Later, their buzz had worn off but not their enthusiasm for their “mission”. After getting Stu to take a commemorative holo of them and their repeated imploring of Jose to ‘come with’ fell on deaf (or uncomprehending) ears, Lardy and Cobalt sat aboard the cloaked cruiser they’d taken and discussed Lardy’s plan.
“So what’s the intel on this place, Lardy?” Cobalt asked eagerly.
“Well,” Lardy answered skimming a brochure, “it’s called the Convent of the Sacred Female…yadda-yadda…they worship some goddess called the One… yadda-yadda-yadda…males are inherently evil…yadda-yadda…so the nuns are isolated from birth if possible…yadda-yadda-yadda…raised to revere their femininity unspoiled by sex…yadda-yadda…impenetrable force field…yadd--”
“Wait what was that last part?” Cobalt interrupted.
“What? The whole ‘unspoiled by sex’ thing? That means they’re virgins, dumbass, haven’t you been paying att--”
“No dammit--the part about the impenetrable force field!”
“Oh! Yeah, it says here, ‘the convent is surrounded by a magical force field that is impenetrable by any male.’”
“Well, damn, Lardy…don’tcha think that presents a bit of a problem?”
“Oh, please, Des, give me a lick of credit, please!” Lardy scoffed and pulled out some pink pills. “Guess what these are!”
“Pro-Fem?” Cobalt said.
“Pro-Fem!” Lardy affirmed. “These last about a day--long enough for us to sneak aboard the shuttle carrying their latest novices and get through the barrier!” Grinning widely he pulls something out of his bag. “And--two of the Convent’s nun get-ups!”
“Geez, Lardy, you must’ve been planning this caper a while!” Cobalt grinned.
“Oh, yeah,” his friend grinned back, “just savin’ it for the right moment!”
And the two laughed hard, knowing this would be one of their best escapades ever!
-------
Aboard the transport carrying novices to the Convent, two in particular, one with a rather overly-full figure and the other very athletic and slender in appearance, sit in the backmost seats.
“Dude!” the full-figured one said softly, “you are HOT! You make for a smokin‘ chick!”
“Keep it down, Lardy,” the other whispered.
“But you are, man!” Lardy chuckled and placed a hand over her mouth to buffer the noise. “I mean--damn--I’d do ya!”
“Sorry, pal,” Cobalt answered curtly, “not gonna happen. Have you scoped these chicks out? They are mega-fine!”
“Sprock, yeah! I was little afraid they‘d all be dogs or something, but…DAMN! I haven‘t seen a wallflower, yet!”
“Not a one!” replied the femmed-up Cobalt. Then something occurred to her. “Say, Lardy, what’ll happen to us if the Pro-Fem doesn’t fool the barrier?”
“Oh, don’t worry--it will.” But then Lardy added, “but if it doesn’t…I’m relatively sure it’ll kill us…painlessly…”
Cobalt rolled his eyes, but knows it’s too late to back out as the planetoid loomed ahead outside the window. Within moments a strange, invisible energy filled the transport, and Lardy and Cobalt suddenly felt the hairs on their heads stand up. The two held their breath and tried to think girl thoughts. But the next moment, the sensation passed. They were in the clear!
-------
An hour later the two were shown to their quarters which adjoined to that of another pair of nuns.
“Well, Lardy,” Cobalt pressed, “when exactly does the Pro-Fem wear off?”
“Should be within the hour, if not sooner. You’ll know for sure when things suddenly start to get a little tingly…you know…down yonder…” Lardy pointed toward Cobalt’s groin area as he says that.
Cobalt sat down on her bunk and shifted nervously. “I don’t know, Lardy, maybe we shouldn’t be here…these ladies have beliefs…maybe we should respect them.”
Lardy scoffed, “geez, Des, you’re starting to act like a chick!” Then she pauses, rubs her chin and sits next to her friend. “Look at it this way, buddy…we’re not gonna force anybody to do anything they don’t want to, right? If these chicks tell us to get lost, we’ll get lost, okay?”
“Well, yeah…”
“But I don’t think that’s gonna happen, pal. These sweet things have been repressed all their lives and have no idea what they’ve been missing! They’re gonna jump our sprockin’ bones, man! We’re gonna, I dunno, free them from--from oppression and stuff--yeah! We’ll be friggin’ heroes to them!”
Cobalt grinned, “you make a sound argument, my friend!”
And the two laughed. High-pitched girly laughs, thanks to the Pro-Fem, but laugh they did.
-------
Half an hour later, a knock came from the door of the adjoining room. Sisters Hazel and Christian from next door were astonished to hear only painful groans in response. In a panic they open the door unbidden and saw Sisters Lardy and Cobalt doubled over in pain.
Sister Hazel exclaimed, “by the One--are you too unwell? Shall we fetch a doctor?”
“N-no n-need,” Lardy said between groans, “we’ll be okay.” Even as the response came out, the two Sisters noticed the voice deepening. Aghast, they watched as hair suddenly grew on the portly Sister’s face. Then, Cobalt screamed, and the voice deepens, too. Suddenly, both writhers recoiled from their fetal positions and lurched backward. Next, the bulges on their upper chests began to recede (though Lardy’s less so than Cobalt’s!), and new bulges appeared under their robes in the pelvic regions where none were previously present. Moments later, the pair were breathing heavily, but otherwise no longer in agony.
Hazel and Christian were frozen until Hazel stammers, “I…I’m going to get that doctor now. Something…is definitely wrong…”
“No,” Cobalt insisted, rising to his feet, “we’re fine. This is how we are supposed to look.”
“Yes,” Lardy added also rising, “don’t be afraid. We are…men.”
“Men?” Hazel and Christian shrieked.
Christian admonished, “you-you aren’t supposed to be here! You are…impure!”
“No, we’re not impure,” Cobalt soothed, “it’s natural for men and women to be together, as it is for men to be with men and women to be with women. We’re here to…”
“…show you alternatives!” Lardy finished.
“Alternatives?” Hazel puzzled.
“Yes,” Lardy said, approaching her. “Do you find us…repulsive?” As he says that, both he and Cobalt remove their nun’s robes and display their bodies for their visitors to see in all their glory except that both are wearing underwear, Cobalt a pair of boxers, and Lardy his customary thong.
Hazel tentatively answered, “n-no…”, her eyes sizing him up, while Christian looked Cobalt over.
Lardy looked the brunette square in the eyes and drew closer. “Would you like me to kiss you?”
Puzzled, Hazel asked, “what is a ki--?” She’s cut off by his lips on hers before she can finish. He kissed her long and hard, and she found herself kissing back.
When they’re through, he asked her, “do you want me to leave, now?”
She responded by kissing him again, so he picked her up and carried her into the adjoining room.
Christian and Cobalt watched the two close the door behind them, then Christian said to him, “um, can we try one of those ‘kisses’?”
Cobalt smiled, and things went in a similar fashion to that of the other pair…
-------
DISCLAIMER: the following section contains scenes of sexual acts and nudity--however it’s all censored for your enjoyment with porn music riffs!
In Christian and Hazel’s quarters, Lardy and Hazel embraced passionately, and she slid her robe off. She was stunned at what she saw when Lardy removed his thong.
“Wh-what’s that?” she whispered wide-eyed. What she saw simultaneously repulsed and intrigued her.
Lardy grins and says, “come over here, and I’ll let you…”
bowm-chikka-WAOW-WAOOW
“Oh, my,” she said a few minutes later, “what is that for, and why don’t I have one?”
“That’s the major anatomical difference between a man and a woman!” He looked at her lower half and pointed. “And that’s your equivalent!” he laughed.
“Oh..” she puzzled, looking down.
“Here, Haze, let me show you some things about it…”
chikka-BOOM-chikka-chikka
Minutes later, Hazel’s feeling pretty good and said, “is that what it’s for?”
“Nah, that’s called foreplay,” he chuckled. “You see, this here,” he motioned down at himself, “goes in there.” And he pointed downward at Hazel. “Wanna see?”
The two lay there for a while, Lardy’s arm around Hazel and her head resting on his shoulder. Hazel’s mind raced, bewildered by what’s been suppressed in her. She wanted to go another round, but Lardy suggested they meet back up with the others. He said he had a surprise in store for her.
Putting their undergarments back on, Hazel and Lardy entered the adjacent room and found Cobalt getting dressed. Christian was beneath the bunk’s covers and smiling.
“Hazel here wants to learn more, Des!” Lardy laughs.
Cobalt recognized the twinkle in Lardy’s eyes and said, “oh, that, huh?”
“Yep!” Lardy grinned. “Hey, Haze…remember that thing I did?” And he points down to her pelvis.
“Oh, yesssss,” she sighed wistfully.
“Why don’t you go to Chrissy there and try it out on each other!”
“But…” Chrissy says from the cot, “…we’re both women.”
“Trust us!” Lardy and Cobalt shouted in stereo.
“Well…okay,” Hazel said and stepped over to where her roommate was, and…
bowm-chikka-WAOW-WAOOW
“niiiiice,” Lardy and Cobalt said together and grin ear to ear, while Haze and Chrissy continued to…
chikka-BOOM-chikka-chikka
After a long while, Cobalt suggested to the ladies, “wanna try what the other had?”
The two grinned and nodded emphatically. Lardy lead Chrissy into the other room while Cobalt was already kissing Haze.
-------
Hours later, after numerous bowm-chikka-WAOW-WAOOW s and chikka-BOOM-chikka-chikkas, the four met up again and shared some recreational beverages that Lardy smuggled in.
“Ladies,” Lardy toasted, “you’ve got to help us spread the word to the rest of the Sisters!”
“b-but, you two are our men!” Chrissy said pleadingly.
“No, Chrissy,” Cobalt soothed, “we are priests spreading the gospel of Truth. We belong to the universe! We must spread the Word to all of your mislead Sisters!”
Lardy had to excuse himself to the restroom for a moment because he needed to get a hold of himself. He wondered how in the worlds Cobalt could keep a straight face telling them that crap!
But it worked nonetheless. Haze and Chrissy helped sneak the two men around the Convent to introduce the other Sisters to what they’d found. And dozens of Sisters found ’enlightenment’ over the next couple of weeks.
However, as more and more became ‘initiated’, a state of unrest grew and grew like a snowball rolling downhill until the so-called priests found themselves cornered by a throng of Sisters in the common room of their section of the Convent.
“Ladies, ladies..” Cobalt said desperately, holding them back with a magnetic shield, “…there’s no need to get greedy, here! Th-there’s plenty to go around…”
“A-and,” Lardy added, cowering behind his friends, “don’t forget the…stuff we showed all of you that you can do a-amongst yourselves and the stuff you can do when you’re a-alone…”
“Not good enough!”Hazel screamed. “Chrissy and I had you first! You’re ours!”
“Like hell!” screamed another Sister behind her and pulled Hazel’s hair.
“Mine!” another shouted.
“No mine!”
And suddenly an all-out brawl broke out among about fifty nuns.
“Sprock, Lardy!” Cobalt cussed. “I don’t know how much longer I can hold out! All this…activity… lately is making it harder for me to concentrate on holding the shield!”
“Yeah,” Lardy shuddered, “girl fights are the worst! It’s time to bail, my friend!”
And with a pop of Lardforce, the duo disappeared.
-------
Elsewhere, in the central part of the huge Convent, Father Superior, the ranking nun in the sprawling facility, received some news not entirely unexpected.
“Father!” his top aide yelled frantically, “the Sisters in Section C are rioting!”
“As expected,” the father said calmly. “It was foretold long ago that one of the One’s own offspring and his ally would come here and defile many of the virgins of our Convent. Their virtue would be a sacrifice to his divinity and mark him as the specific child of Her that would ultimately bear the traits of his Father, Chaos.”
“One of th-them is the…Destroyer?” the aide shuddered. “W-which one?”
The Father kept that to himself and ordered, “use the sleeping gas on the rioters. Then, cast them and all others in Section C out. They are to be abandoned on an uninhabited Class-M planet we‘ve pre-selected.”
“And what of their charms?”
“Those shall not be lifted. They shall remain always…as they are.”
-------
Lardy and Cobalt sped away in their cloaked cruiser. Lardy had arranged for the cruiser to be left just outside the planet’s orbit for the getaway he knew they’d need. It took a tremendous effort on his part to ‘port the two of them that far, but he was prepared for that as well, as it was stocked with a bountiful pantry. Luckily, the force shield was charmed only to keep men out, not in.
“Whoo!” Lardy yelled as he adjusted the flight controls, “that was wild!”
“Yeah,” Cobalt yawned, “but I’m friggin’ exhausted!” He looks lazily at the floor and notices it is littered with brochures for the Convent of the Sacred Female, like the ones Lardy read excerpts from when he hatched the outrageous plan. For whatever reason, he decided to pick one up and read through it while Lardy was concentrating on the cruiser’s controls and his fifth helping of dinner.
Suddenly, Cobalt exclaimed, “What? No sprockin’ WAY!”
Lazily, Lardy looked over at his friend’s shocked expression and offhandedly asked, “where’s the fire,man?”
“Sprock, Lardy! Did you read this thing?”
“Yeah,” Lardy yawned, “you were there, remember?”
Cobalt threw the pamphlet at his friend. “Well, you frickin’ yadda-yadda’d something pretty effin’ important--the chicks on that planetoid--they’re NOT chicks!!!”
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous, man, you were there…those were definitely chicks!”
“Lardy!!! It says RIGHT THERE that every single damned nun on that planetoid is a GUY with a gender-reversal charm on him!!! Since men are evil and crap according to their beliefs, all men born to female believers are magically gender-reversed at age one and raised in various convents all their lives to exorcise their wicked man-ness!! The most devout are ‘graduated’, informed of their true gender and are trusted to revert back to being a male to either help build the population of the followers or to head up the convents!!”
“So..?”
“They’re MEN underneath it all, dammit, Lardy! We just did, like, 50 guys!”
Casually munching a cheesy poof, Lardy pondered that for a moment and replied, “no, we didn’t. Bodily, they were chicks. As far as they knew, they were chicks…and so did we.”
“but--but---”
“No ‘buts‘, man…no need for an identity crisis or anything. Don’t over-think it! We got some fine, virgin, grade-A sweetness, and that hasn’t changed.”
“You’re…you’re…ah, crap! Look, Lardy…if anyone asks how we spent the last two weeks, we went to Summer World, got it?”
As he savored the last bite of cheesy poof, Lardy mumbles, “whatever.”
-------
Back in the here and now, Dru returns from a long, boring day of politicking. She’s surprised to find her husband rolling on the floor with laughter. Immediately, a grin forms on her lips, and she kneels next to him.
“Keeping yourself entertained, eh?”
Trying to gather himself, Lardy asks, “did I ever tell you about the time that Cobalt and I stormed a convent?”
“Hmmm…oh, yeah! That’s a legend among the wizarding community! I mean, geez, one of the One‘s convents? That took some stones!”
“Sure did!”
Then she thinks for a moment and says, “say...I’ve got some nun robes here somewhere…why don‘t I put it on, and you can show me…how you did it!”
Lardy has to keep his tongue in his mouth as he replies, “oh, yeah!”
And moments later…
bowm-chikka-WAOW-WAOOW!
THEchikka-BOOM-chikka-chikkaEND!
[ March 22, 2007, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: Lard Lad ]
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
COLONEL WELLESLEY ADVENTURES PRESENTS:
Big Game Hunters
Guest-Starring Cobalt Kid and Tamper Lad
The planet Janky V is known for its heavy gravity and its planet-wide subtropical climate. Veldtlands cover two thirds of the planet’s landmass. In recent years it has become a center of the galactic eco-tourism industry. However Janky is best known as the home to one of the largest species of land animal in UP held space.
The mighty Bull JankyUltrasaur (a huge herbivorous dinosaur) is known to reach sizes of 120 meters in length, 80 meters in height, with a mass of 6000 tonnes. Thick bony plates on the animals back are prized trophies amongst the galaxy’s elite and were often carved into beautiful furniture. Each year the game wardens hold a public auction for game tags that allow the taking of just two of these mighty beasts. This particular season, Colonel Wellesley has outbid his rivals and has secured one of the prized hunting tags.
Tamper Lad, Cobalt Kid and Colonel Wellesley skimmed over the land into a thick grove of trees in their sleek hovercraft as the Colonel leaned over the front of the craft peering through his binoculars and his sonic locator helmet. Cobie was at the controls while Tamper sat in the back seat sulking.
Tamper arms crossed in front of this chest yelled at Cobie “Bah, if I’d known when I said I wanted a new bar for the Supper Club that he’d drag me along on this wild goose…”
Cobie turned momentarily from his flying, “Oh quit your griping Tamper. It’s not every day that you get to go on the most exclusive hunt in the galaxy.”
Tamper stared at him a moment and said, “At least the girls could have come with us. They said something about the smell.” Tamper was bitterly reminding Cobie of SpellBinder, Caliente and Nova Girl’s decision to stay at the Veldtland Resort that morning.
Cobie grinned at Tamper and offered a thought for his consideration. “Can you blame them? We spent most of yesterday in a pile of ultrasaur turd.”
Tamper thought for a moment, before passing his judgment. “Precisely why they should be with us. It doesn’t seem fair that they get to drink cocktails and play lawn games while we do this. Some vacation this turned out to be, running around like Hrun the Barbarian.”
The Colonel turned from his perch on the front of the vehicle standing and barking out. “Stand tall boys. This looks like the spot. The beast we spotted yesterday will surely stop to eat this grove of fruit trees. Land here and set up the missile Cobalt.”
Landing the craft Cobie and Tamper walked to the rear of the vehicle to detach and arm the 2 ton plasma missile that would be used to fell the beast. The Colonel jumped out of the craft and sprinted forward through the grove looking for the ideal spot to place the missile as to shoot the beast through the heart as it plodded forward looking plucking the tops off the prized fruit trees.
“Over here lads, carry it over here.” said the enthusiastic Colonel Wellesley after finding the perfect spot.
Cobie and Tamper struggled to bring the weapon forward as the antigravity assist took an instant longer to activate than usual.
“Ugh two men carrying an older man’s missile, No subtext there.” Grunted Tamper Lad making light of how ridiculous he and Cobie must have looked carrying a weapon that could level an entire city block.
“Man, this thing is heavy. Guess it’s the heavy gravity too. Good thing we have the flight rings and the antigrav lift oh and my magnetic powers too,” said Cobie as he activated his powers lightening the load.
Reaching the spot that the Colonel had chosen, the three hunters tilted the missile skyward. Pointed in the air the weapon and its launcher were painted in a pale prairie yellow green to camouflage it amongst the natural vegetation.
Hands on his hips admiring their handiwork the Colonel turned to his younger companions and said, “A fine job lads. Shall we have a bit of lunch then?”
As Cobie and Tamper were reheating the tea there were sounds of weapons fire in the distance. Quickly all three men trained their binoculars in that direction.
“A party of two humanoids,” said Tamper munching on a finger sandwich.
Nodding in agreement Cobie added, “Looks like a couple of Khunds,” as he brought a breadstick to his mouth.
“POACHERS!” growled Colonel Wellesley as he dropped his crumpet and ran to the hovercraft, jumping into the pilot’s seat and taking off. Flying while standing in the pilot’s position he sped towards the Khundish party, brandishing his sidearm cursing all the while. “You dirty devils; I’ll give ya a taste of the law.”
Rolling his eyes Tamper put down what remained of lunch and groaned, “Here we go again,” recalling previous experiences on the Colonel’s expeditions.
“Come on Tamper. We better go help him. Those Khunds looked tough.” Cobie said before taking flight and leading Tamper into action but not before Tamper picked up a bottle of the now warmed tea.
“Trust me. He’ll be fine, Cobie. He always gets it done.”
Flying as quickly as they could through the dense atmosphere of Janky, Cobie and Tamper arrived at the scene just in time to see the Colonel take dead aim at the first Khund while leaning over the windshield of the hovercraft. As he skillfully steered the craft through the erratic laser fire, he blasted the Khund squarely between the eyes with the stun pistol. With one poacher incapacitated, the second quickly turned tail trying to reach his own craft before the enraged Colonel could get him.
In making the tight turn to go towards the second poacher the Colonel dropped the pistol. Without his sidearm, the Colonel gritted his teeth with relish as he decided to take out the Khund the old-fashioned way. Flying his craft alongside the fleeing man, he kicked the auto-landing sequence with his heel and jumped from his seat out the side of the craft.
As he took to the air, the Colonel grabbed the Khund by the neck and using his momentum drove his head into the ground. As he hit the ground, the Colonel released his hold on his larger opponent. In landing his forward momentum caused him to do several forward flips before stopping some yards away from the Khund. Staggered but not out, the Khund regained his feet and ran towards the Colonel who executed a throw take down before plunging down upon his prone opponent and unleashing a flurry of punches.
Cobie looked on amazed as he and Tamper landed near where the Colonel was picking up his safari hat, and stood straightening his collar while dusting off his jacket.
The Colonel cleared his throat and said, “A fine show men. Just in time to help me bind up these poachers, and ah yes thank you Tamper.” The Colonel reached for the container of tea that Tamper held in his outstretched hand. Looking at his watch and taking a small sip he said, “Quickly now, put them in the storage trunk. We’ll take them to the authorities tonight but for now we’d best get back to the trap. The great beast should pass by the spot in about two hours I reckon.”
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
A Pyngwyn and His Dog: The Origin of Hyvvie the Wonder Beagle
It was a quiet moment in the Deputy Leader’s office, so the Deputy Leader spent some quality time sitting on the floor, rubbing his Chief of Staff’s tummy.
“Am I interrupting anything, Rocky?”
Rockhopper Lad’s reverie broke. Lad Boy was standing in front of him and Hyvvie, in his usual outfit of not very much. “Is this a private party, or is your secretary welcome?”
“You’re silly,” Rockhopper Lad chuckled. Hyvvie barked and licked Rockhopper Lad’s face, walked over to Lad Boy and turned onto his back, offering Lad Boy his tummy.
“I’ve always wondered, Rocky, how did a beagle end up on your world?” Lad Boy asked. As he knelt down to rub the Wonder Beagle. “I thought there were no mammals on your planet. And for that matter, how come he can talk?”
“A little to the left–oh, yeah!” Hyvvie yelped.
“The talking thing’s just been since we’ve been on Legion World. A lot of animals talk when they come here. As for how he came to me, he was a gift.”
“Do tell.”
“Well, it all started years ago when a new ambassador from Earth had been appointed. Anna Lee Merrison was so nervous. She had finally been appointed to an ambassadorship. She was the new Terran ambassador to the Pyngwyn Colonies. She was on a starbase waiting for her official transport. She had brought a special gift for every member of the Pyngwyny Royal Family from Earth. She had taken great time and care in selecting each one. She brought a set of the complete works of Shakespeare for the Emperor, a string of pearls for Empress Maryss and a diamond brooch for the young Princess Adelie.”
“That’s the Adelie who’s not Rockhopper Lass, right?”
“Right. Halfway to the starbase she realised she had left out one member of the family: the new Emperor’s teenage son, Eudyptes.”
“That would be you.”
“Right. My dad, Eudyptes XXVIII. had just ascended the throne upon the death of my grandfather, Chrysosome XXXIV. The new ambassador knew that Pyngwyn society had a lot of strict rules and customs, but she really didn’t know how we would react to what she thought to be a slight.”
“What would you have done.”
“Nothing, really. I expect she would have apologised profusely and we would have accepted it and gone on. But she wasn’t sure what to do, so she strolled around the starbase. As she walked, she saw that the base had a branch of the United Planets Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Non-sentients. She loved animals and thought that perhaps looking at some might calm her down. As she started walking among the animal cages her eye was caught by a lemon beagle pup who was lying down in his cage. The pup looked up at her and smiled. That was it! She immediately filled out the paperwork and when her transport came, she had her gift for me.”
“That’s sweet.”
“Of course she had no idea what a truly special beagle this was. That he was a meta-canine with a Nose of Wonder so sensitive, he can smell objects half a planet away.”
“So where did he get his name? Does ‘Hyvvie’ mean ‘Rover’ in Pyngwyny?”
“Not exactly. ‘Hyvvie’ is pretty much a unique name. In the Pyngwyn Colonies, it’s traditional to name one’s pets after songs.”
“'Hyvvie' is a song?”
“No. When the Ambassador presented me with my new friend, I was delighted beyond her hopes. I’d read all about dogs and had thought it would be really cool to have one. So I asked her his name. The Ambassador replied that he did not yet have one and that I could name him. I told her about the Pyngwyny custom and asked her what her favourite song was. I thought he should have a Terran name. The Ambassador thought a moment and remembered an old tune her Welsh grandmother had taught her. It had a funny name, but thought maybe I would like it.”
“She replied, ‘One of my favourite tunes is called “Hyfrydol”‘.”
“Huvrudull?” Lad Boy puzzled. “How do you spell it?”
“H-Y-F-R-Y-D-O-L. It means ‘pleasant’, ‘melodious’ or ‘good cheer’ in Welsh. So I told her that I thought it was a pretty word and asked her to sing the song for me.”
“You asked her to sing?”
“We sing a lot in the Pyngwyn Colonies. We are birds, you know,” Rockhopper Lad winked. “So she sang me an old song called ‘Love Divine, All Loves Excelling’, the tune of which is called ‘Hyfrydol’. I liked the song and the name, but I thought it was kind of long, so I asked her if there was a shortened form of the name. The Ambassador had no clue here. Finally she said, “How about ‘Hyvvie’?”
“Rhyming with ‘divvy’,” Lad Boy nodded.
“Right. So I smiled and said ‘ He looks like a Hyvvie!’ Then he rolled over on his back and let his new master rub his tummy. There was no doubt about it. He was home.”
“Aw, that’s a sweet story,” Lad Boy smiled.
“And he’s been with me ever since,”Rockhopper Lad continued. “Many years later, when I came to Legion World to join the LMB, Hyvvie came along and joined the Super-Pets.”
Lad Boy shook his head. “Oh, yeah, I forgot why I came in here. Kid Marvel is here to discuss the upcoming elections with you.”
“Elections? Already? Wow, this term has flown by! I’ll miss being Deputy Leader.”
Hyvvie, who had been quiet during the whole story looked up at Rockhopper Lad and asked “Do I still get to be your Chief of Staff?”
“Of course, you silly pup.”
And Rockhopper Lad rubbed Hyvvie’s tummy again.
[ August 11, 2007, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: Rockhopper Lad ]
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Out of the Closet and Into the Universe: The Origin of Openly Gay Lad
My name is Blaine Fey.
I’m dead.
Don’t ask me where I am now or what the afterlife is like. I’m not here to tell you what’s happened to me since I died. I’m here to tell you a story.
I was born on an Earth different from the one you know. Also an Earth different from the one the LMB know. We call it Earth-One, but the LMB call it Earth-Four. It’s home to the SMB, a group very similar to the LMB, but a little different too.
I was an orphan. My parents died when I was very little. I really don’t remember much about them. They gave me my name and that was all I took with me to the foundling home. I don’t know how I ended up at this particular home, but I did. It was run by a religious group that had progressed little, if any, since the 21st Century. When other, outwardly similar groups were dealing with things like the place of women and gay people, they insisted their way was the only way and that we all had to conform to it.
I conformed. It was a survival skill.
Then I hit adolescence.
Two things happened to me then: I realised that I was gay, but I wouldn’t admit it to myself; and I began to manifest my super-powers.
I discovered that within a space that extended from my body about 20 centimetres in each direction, I could do whatever I wanted. I had the power to warp reality, but only in that small space. I could use it to teleport, but otherwise I was restricted to the area that I called my “closet”.
Oh, the irony!
I kept it to myself for as long as I could, but one day, someone saw me create a flower. They weren’t exactly overjoyed at the home when they discovered what I could do. They claimed I was possessed and they tried to beat the devil out of me–quite literally. When that didn’t work they threw me out. Only fifteen years old and on the street. The book they read to us taught about loving one another and helping people in need, but apparently that didn’t apply to them. Still, that lesson stuck with me, even if the people who taught it ignored it.
I made my way on the streets for a few weeks and then I found myself face to face with a mountain lion.
I knew if I got close enough I could communicate with it and make it leave me alone, but when I did so, I found out that the lion was looking for me. It was Stupendous Mountain Lion of the SMB and he’d been sent to find me. The SMB had seen me in action and they wanted me to know that they would take me in.
For three years the SMB trained me and, for the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to have a family. Taking my name from my “closet”, I became Closeted Boy. And I still hadn’t a clue!
I soon met another member of the SMB Junior Auxiliary, Infra-Red Lass, who became my friend. We hung out all the time. We went shopping together, we’d sing show tunes, we’d bake. I had never had a close female friend before. I thought this was what I was supposed to do with a girlfriend. Geez, I really was a clue-free zone, wasn’t I?
To be fair to myself, Infra was a little lacking in the clue department as well. She would say to me “I like being with you, Blaine. You’re always a gentleman, you treat me like a lady and you never try anything!” Sigh.
Shortly after I turned eighteen, most of the older members of the SMB left Earth on a mission, leaving the Junior Auxiliary in the care of Stupendous Mountain Lion. All of a sudden a group of people showed up in our headquarters. I swore one was the villainous Stalker and another was the Evil Emperor Pyngwyn, the tyrant of the Pyngwyn Colonies who had killed his father and usurped his throne. We fought them to a standstill until Stupendous Mountain Lion came in and, sniffing the two, let us know that they were not Stalker and Evil Emperor Pyngwyn, but two LMBers from Earth-Five (or Earth-One as they call it), Tamper Lad and Rockhopper Lad.
Rockhopper Lad had my number right away. He knew I was gay and when we were fighting even used that to his advantage, using his ice powers to create an ice sculpture of Orlando Bloom to keep me distracted. That was frustrating, but I could see something else. He may have been the spitting image of one of our universe’s greatest monsters, but even that couldn’t hide his kindness. Before I knew it, I was falling for him.
Before he and his compatriots were to go back his world, I spoke with him. It was a mutual attraction. Neither of us would deny it, but we were, to coin a phrase, from two different worlds. He also helped me to come out at long last . Once I was able to say that I was gay, I realised a name-change would be necessary. As of that day, Closeted Boy was no more: I was now Openly Gay Lad!
I served with the SMB Junior Auxiliary for another year or so before I saw Rocky again. He came back to my universe to find his friend Quislet, Esq., who was trapped there. Three other SMB Juniors, Infra-Red Lass, High Density Kid and Polka Dot Lad joined us along with LMBer Dedman and a clone of LMBer Reboot and went to my universe’s Pyngwyn Colonies to free Quislet. We overthrew the Evil Emperor Pyngwyn and in the process also freed several of the Emperor’s family who were being held prisoner, including his sister Adelie, whom you may know as Rockhopper Lass.
Rockhopper Lass joined the rest of us in going to Legion World to repulse a terrible Invasion. We all did what we could, but we were overwhelmed and I, along with several others was taken prisoner and kept in a chamber that neutralised all our powers. When we were finally able to escape, it took all my strength to get the others to safety. I was weakened to the point of death. In my last minutes, Rockhopper Lad found me, but it was too late. I told him I loved him. He tried to help me, but there was nothing he could do. I died in the arms of the man I loved.
What happened after I died is very interesting. Rockhopper Lad always had great potential to be a leader. He is, after all, royalty. But my death affected him in a way I don’t think anyone expected.
If you’d asked one of his teammates to describe Rocky before my death, they probably would have used words like “loyal, trusting, naïve, polite”. All of which would have been accurate. But now there was something else. He now had a resolve he had not had before. Perhaps he grew up in that instant. He helped lead the team that overthrew the invaders and then, when it came time for the LMB to elect a new Leader and Deputy, he ran. He never would have done that before. He was elected Deputy Leader and, by all accounts, was quite successful at it.
Unfortunately, the Eudyptes of my world, the Evil Emperor Pyngwyn had not only eluded capture, but somehow he found my double from Rocky’s universe. The Evil Emperor and the Blaine Fey of that other world make a lethal combination and they’ve done unspeakable evils together. Of course, I have no doubt that Rocky and his friends in the LMB will bring them to justice some day.
Well, that’s pretty much my whole story. Who knows? Maybe you’ll see me again. You never know what’s going to happen on Legion World....
(Special thanks to Tamper Lad who created “Closeted Boy” for the “LMB Infinite Crisis” story and graciously let me run with the character).
[ August 11, 2007, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Rockhopper Lad ]
Posted by Chief Lardy on :
Behind Closed Doors
Featuring Chief Lardy and Hot Chick
Previously: Security Chief Lardy and Junior Officer Hot Chick have had a near-sexual encounter. In the process it has become clear that the enchanted lady, whose identity remained a secret to both herself and everyone else, is somehow connected to the Chief in whatever her real persona may be. In fact she's now convinced that the two were once sworn enemies who became lovers. To Lardy, this means only one thing: Hot Chick must in fact be his dear departed wife Dru, somehow returned amongst the living just as he had been after sacrificing his life to save Legion World some years ago. Now, it's time for them both to discover the truth...
Lardy arrives outside the room of his Junior Officer. He's a little out of breath from practically running away from Tempest.
He pauses to gather himself for a moment. I'm outrageously attracted to Tempest, but if there's any chance that's my wife behind this door...
He takes a deep breath and knocks.
The door hisses open immediately after the knock.
"Come in, Lardy," the voice within beckons. Though the voice belongs to Hot Chick, the inflection and the familiarity of her tone are foreign.
He enters to a darkened room. As his eyes adjust, he can make out the familiar outline of the woman he recently shared some kisses and embraces with sitting up on her bed. She is sitting with her knees bent up and her arms entwined around her legs. The last he saw of her she was wearing nothing but a towel. Now, the towel is gone once again. She is clearly naked, but her modesty is preserved, if only slightly, by the manner in which she sits.
He can't help but be very turned on, but he tries to temper his impulses.
She interrupts the awkward silence. "I know who I am now, Lardy. After we were interrupted and I left, I sat here for hours. Little by little, I've remembered everything."
She waits for him to guess or something, but he just stands there agape.
Smiling slightly at his hesitation, she regards him. "You know, I think you looked sexier with the platinum-white hair and those blazing, colorless eyes. Maybe it's because it made you look so dangerous! It really complemented that fire inside you, I think."
"Huh?" he manages. "You're referring to how I looked after Mordru scarred me when I killed him..." His memory flashes to a mirror image that looked back at him during one of the darkest times of his life:
He shivers just thinking about it.
"I don't understand. When I was with Dru, I didn't..."
"I'm not Dru, Lardy. Sorry to break it to you, but your beloved, departed wife has not returned from beyond the veil."
"As I suspected, you still have some memory gaps specifically from the weeks immediately following your defeat of Mordru. That's the time frame during which we were lovers...and uneasy allies."
Lardy is stumped.
"Very well," she smiles, "let me shed a little light on the subject..."
He starts a bit as her hand suddenly emits a glow sufficient to light the room. As she does, her features morph into those of someone he definitely recognizes. A beautiful brunette with dark, penetrating eyes. A very dangerous woman.
"Kalla Hryl!" he shouts and reaches for his sword.
Casually, she shoots the sword out of his hand with a beam of light from her finger tip. "Please, Lardy...we're talking here! I'm not here to harm you or anything. And it's Kalla Hrykos, now."
Anger flushes his face red. "You are responsible for the deaths of many here for your part in the 52 affair! My gods...Bat-Fem and all those others--!"
"Water under the bridge, Lardy," she sighs. "We got past all of that and found some mutually-beneficial goals to achieve. Here, I'll help you remember..."
Before he can dodge, another beam of light issues from her finger tip and hits him square in the forehead. All at once, the remaining blank spots in his memory are filled, beginning with a fateful visit to Kalla after he destroyed Mordru.
As everything slides into place in his mind, he suddenly feels queezy, and he vomits on the floor.
"I know, I know," she taunts gently, still from her sitting position, "you can't believe you would stoop so low in the wake of your wife's death, blah-blah-blah...well, I can assure you that those memories are indeed true. No manipulation on my part. I think it is that truth, more than anything, which is hurting you so much at this time."
He can only shake his head in response.
"You came to me that night, seething with hate and craving revenge against those who had taken your wife away from you. You felt I was the weak link in the Dark Oval's power elite. I was your 'in'. You needed me to get to them. I needed your protection for when they would inevitably turn on me."
"Together, we formulated a plan in which we would turn the balance of power in my favor. You turned in immediate results by killing the highest caste leader of the Dominion and replacing him with a shape-shifter loyal to us. At that point, we were in control of two-fifths of the Oval's power base with a plot to take another fifth by..."
"...killing Wyandotte," Lardy finished for her, "and having me take his place."
"Yes," she continued for him, "a plan brilliant in its simplicity. Wyandotte is your double from another dimension. If you could dispose of him, pretending to be Wyandotte would be a role tailored for you to play."
"But we never got around to it." he recalled.
"No," she frowned. " You got caught up in some drama on Legion World. An affair your files laughably refer to as the 'Five Faces of Death'. And as we all know, at the end of that mess..."
"I died. I guess that really fucked up things for you, huh, Kalla?"
"For us, Lardy...don't gloss over your complicity in this!"
He shrugs. "No I can't. But I'm not that guy any more. I may not be the picture of sanity these days, but I'm a far cry from when I got in that tub with you! If you came here expecting me to jump right in, then--!"
"I came here because you owe it to me to finish what you started!" she screams. "When my memories came back, I remembered the reasons for this elaborate ruse. As the other three powers slowly started to act as I knew they would and slowly closed in on me, I waited for you to return! I heard of your resurrection and wondered why you didn't come back to finish off the men who had destroyed your happiness!"
She continues, "but I couldn't leave. I was being watched by Wyandotte, the Pyngwyn and the others very closely. All of my communications and my comings and goings were closely monitored. So I hatched a plan with a friend of mine who is a mage. She weaved a complicated spell that enabled us to switch personas. It was such a perfect spell, but it had a side effect that both she and I would believe ourselves to be each other. She would stay and rule Hrykosia as I would, and I would be under a hypnotic suggestion to go to Legion World and find you."
"Well", he observes, "it took you long enough to find me."
"Yes," she sighs, "we didn't account for Zardi's presence. All the rampant magic made the spell go haywire and caused me to be side-tracked for quite some time. But eventually, I made my way to you, and the physical contact between us caused the memory alterations to finally become undone. I can still appear as your 'Hot Chick' if I wish, but I am once again Kalla, inside and out, complete with my control over light."
"That's all well and good, Kalla," he smiles, "but I'm afraid you went through all this trouble just to get your ass put back in jail! I can't believe you think I'd just--"
"I can be of aid to you," she interrupts. "I know part of what's going on with your terrorist situation right now. This defnitely has the Dark Oval's fingerprints all over it."
He laughs. "That's not exactly shocking, Kalla! I don't see how---"
"I know details. Very crucial details that can avert sure disaster here. And I know more about the Dark Oval than any of your spies could learn in a hundred years! What I know about the Pyngwyn's throneworld alone--"
"...we can get out of you in interrogation. Our telepaths--"
"--can't read the mid of a Hrykosian, Lardy. Or have you forgotten?"
"We'll get it out of you, somehow!"
"But how long would that take? How much ground would be lost to the Dark Oval? Are you ready to lose another sector in the meantime? And what about the prisoners of war? Your intelligence still doesn't know the identity of the fifth power or of--"
"Enough teases, woman! Your crimes are such that I simply cannot allow you to roam free! It's my duty as Chief of Legion World Security!"
"Are you ready, then, to face treason charges, 'Chief'?"
"What do you mean, Kalla?"
"You should know the laws, Lardy. Your acting as you did with me going all the way back to our faking a Barbarian Hordes invasion all the way to your actions with me after the Mordru incident are clear acts of treason!"
"You're...blackmailing me?"
"If it comes to it? Yes. It's my ace in the hole here."
"So you'll help me in all the ways you say if...?"
"If you promise to help me finish what we started and take down the rest of the Oval when all of this is over."
"Which would ultimately put you in charge over there."
"Yes, Lardy," she acknowledges, "but instead of a powerful enemy, my new Oval will be a sworn ally to you and your precious Legion World. I see it as a win-win situation. Do we have a deal?"
He sits on the edge of her bed and rubs his eyes. "I dunno...I have to think this through."
"You only have one choice, lover." She finally loosens her arms and straightens her legs and presses against his back. "There are...other benefits as well, lover..." She begins to kiss his neck.
"That," he says coldly, "will NOT be part of the deal!" And he shakes her off.
"Oh well," she sighs, "I was beginning to see how you look now might be sexy after all..."
Just then, his Omnicom beeps. He stares at it blankly for a moment, then says, "they've found Cobalt and the others. We're about to go confront them. We'll continue this later."
"I'm coming, too," she declares and her features shift back to those of Hot Chick.
"Suit yourself. I need to change into something more battle-ready."
[ February 28, 2011, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: Chief Lardy ]
Posted by The Red Bee on :
The Red Bee sat on his makeshift throne—a bench in the middle of Founder’s Park. Once again, he’d shifted his form to that of a non-descript citizen and now he took in the great smells of candy being passed out by a vendor. The sweetness intoxicated him, and his sense of smell allowed his biology to pump adrenaline throughout his body, healing the wounds created by Power Boy in the 5th Dimension during their recent battle.
He had decided between that battle and the knowledge that Lard Lad, Exnihil and Tempest had all lived, it was time to end this once and for all. And he had the perfect target.
A Stranger in Passing
The Bee felt the pleasure centers of his brain being massaged by the impulses sent throughout his body. It was the knowledge that soon the final battle would occur. This sensation had become addictive to the Bee and the single reason for living all of these centuries.
He remember his awakening: in the Year 2076 C.E., coming further from pod, feeling only pain and anger as his brethren watched on, ready to destroy him should he have not reached his full potential. They were shocked to discover he had indeed been a success and their surprise allowed him the opening to showcase how this was so. None of the scientists survived—and the Red Bee ensured there would only ever be one of him. The rest Scutellata race, rogue killer bees of the Hive, seemed exhilarated by his arrival, crowning him Champion. For 100 years they had been journeying through the stars to conquer other races but were met with mixed success; now they believed they were unstoppable. But the Bee felt the fear they had of him, and that was enough to exhilarate him. For years it built and built within him—their outward expressions of love and respect masking inward feeling of fear and anxiety. While he destroyed their enemies, he began to realize it gave him no pleasure; what he truly thrived on was teasing that anxiety and building the anticipation. And at last, he acted on it.
He made sure no single survivor of the Scutellata existed afterwards, unable to curb his desire to be sated. He feasted on their corpses—mating with them even—and soon felt his hunger fulfilled. Yet…they were all gone now, but the hunger began anew.
The Bee recalled what came next: his many travels throughout the course of history, from planet to planet; from empire to empire. Finding the great civilizations and the great races. And then once more…building that anciticipation. The fear, and the dread, and anxiety. And then, with the final battle when he stands revealed…the climax.
Oh, how so many great planets fell before his wiles. How many great heroes perished by his brutality. Toppled civilizations were left picking up the pieces, but he always made sure not to extinguish the races completely like he had with his own, otherwise he’d soon run out of victims. So he made sure there were survivors, and to them…he was just a stranger in passing.
The Bee then recalls his moment of clarity: Space Ranger lay dead before him, by his own hand, and the young Everyday Girl stood guns ablaze, a beacon of hostility and anger, yet the Bee could sense it was the immense sadness within her that dominated her every move. And he understood—his actions were not those of a plague upon the living, but rather, they were a benefit to those survivors he left behind. The horrors he unleashed took the lives of many, yes, but those who lived to tell the tale were made stronger by them. He could help them see what they’d taken for granted; he could help them understand that life is series of moments that are fleeting; and he could turn them into heroes. He would be an angel, sent to prune the living to create a stronger race.
And in doing so, his own hunger was fulfilled.
The Red Bee reveled in the fear felt by those who saw him as an Angel of Death; yet, he took great comfort in the knowledge that he was actually a bringer of great light.
He recalled the last time he revealed his true form, on Venegar in the Year 2877 C.E. None could bare the sight of him, and had to turn their eyes away. He believed the LMBP was made of sterner stuff, and they were certainly deserving of such an honor.
dedman: Dedman was started of with "the voice of the dead" which is very similiar to Jesse's power in Preacher
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
