Once Upon A Time In Legionworld there lived a dragon. It was not a fun, friendly dragon a la Pete. It was a bright, patent leather dragon, roughly the size of a London bus. It was not one whose treasures Bilbo would have dared steal. Because it would have ripped off his head and sha……….
Sorry, almost got a bit carried away there.
She lived in a cave high in the mountains overlooking Legionworldopolis, the largest city in Legionworld. She had a rather voracious appetite, much to the chagrin of the local population who would often find themselves ending up as an entree on her menu. She would think nothing of having two cows between half loaves of bread for a snack. Her favourite tasty morsel was young virgin males, whom she would eat four at a time, in a Ford Transit – her personal equivalent of Coq-au-van.
She would appear as if from no-where, consume her latest kill and then vanish without trace.
No-one knew how to find her……….
Posted by Numf El on :
PROLOGUE 2
“…………..” “Sorry, Sargeant Fernandez, what did you say?” “ I say we onlee got enough room for two peessed Tequila heads on a Sabado noches. Not room for hundreds of guerrilos that you left for us to deal weeth. We got no food to feed them neither,” complained the sargeant. “And it no good for the local economy – no one to buy newspapers, local gingham table-cloths, and our specialeest camouflaged balaclavas. And the local rowie bar ees complaining already about the downturn in custom.” “You’ve got a rowie bar there? Real rowies?” asked Numf, getting all excited. “Hey, we got the best rowies outside of Scotland. We got an Aiberdeen Theme Pub, complete weeth old feeshing nets, a model oil reeg and we eemport Aitkens and Thains rowies daily for freshness. We haff a small problemo a few weeks ago, but that all sorted now,” Sargeant Fernandez explained. “Anyways, we let everyone go. ¡Hasta luego!” With which the line went dead. Numf-El carefully cradled the receiver. “To use a suitable Latin American expression ¡CABRÓN!” he exclaimed to nobody in particular. He stamped his feet like an irate toddler.
“Numf-El, I realise that you’re a bit annoyed at the moment, but what the merry hell just happened here?” asked Nightcrawler, who had just bamfed into the ruins of Shameless Hussies. “Well, that was a phone call from….” “Not the phone call, this!….” exclaimed Nighty with an expansive gesture taking in the waterlogged ruins of the nightclub.
“Well, it’s a bit difficult to explain…” said Numf. “Well bloody well try, it’s not too often that we get maniacal dragons attacking innocent revellers, and we’d like an explanation,” said Nighty, standing back, arms crossed in the classic “Well, I’m waiting” pose, tapping his foot. He also knew that the CCTVs were beaming the images to the Control Centre where Lightning Lad was watching it live.
“Well, you could go back and read the Tag Team Thread where my original exploits with Harbi to trace my mum, and my recent tromping through the Panamanian rain forest are recounted…..” said Numf. “Uh huh,” said Nighty, foot still tapping. “And then follow the link in the Apology thread to where the even more recent events in this very bar are recounted,” continued Numf. “Oh yes, the one that was stricken from the records for excessive bad taste in a family website?” asked Nighty, eyes wide, as if awaiting some kind of contradiction. “Ummm yes, that would be the one. Thanks for linking that one up for me,” Numf almost apologised, sheepishly. “Yes, but what about everyone who hasn’t the time, nor the inclination, to go searching for them and just wants an update so that they know where the story’s going?” asked Nighty, looking around him as the others gathered around to hear the tale. With more than just a little interest in their eyes, since it would appear that Numf was the sole culprit behind the spoiling of a glorious evening. “Hey, come on guys don’t crowd me. You know I don’t do too well with an audience. That’s why I never made it in the porn industry I’ll have you know!” said Numf, backing away from what looked like an angry mob late for a damned good lynching. There were one or two sniggers as well. “Yeah, back up a bit folks, give him some space!” said Sonnie Bloke, ushering people back. “This ain’t a hanging you know.” “Thanks Bruv, much appreciated.” “Yet.” “Gulp……I know, lets have a breather here before this post gets too long.”
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
This certainly aint a hanging Numf... it's a hoot!
More, more, more....
sooner already too ....yah?
criticism? want it? you got one already.... put line spaces between speeches or its a bit dense to read.... cha cha ... nae bad tho for that...
so where's the rest of this then?
Oh, and maybe someone can clarify but is it ok to post replies/support on threads titled 'onevision'? I'm not three sure what the acceptable procedure is with that... anyone know?
So... more already Ken yeah?
to all
Posted by Numf El on :
No complaints from me if you want to post replies / support , as long as you don't try to influence the story / give the game away.
x
Posted by Numf El on :
PROLOGUE 2 - cont'd
“Okay, here’s the abridged version.
“I’m a superhuman clone. Cloned from hundreds of people, most of whom I don’t know yet. But James T. Kirk, Darkseid, Supergirl and Attila the Hun are in the mix. Possibly part John Holmes…”
“Yeah, the dodgy moustache..” sniggered Sonnie.
“ And it also turns out that I’m part Banana Split….”
“Is that how you got the job in the porn industry to start with?” asked Spellbinder, looking most interested.
“I’ll tell you later, in private….Anyway,” said Numf turning back to the rest of the crowd, glad that Spellbinder hadn’t heard Sonnies earlier comment, “if you remember the TV show, the Banana Splits had a rival gang – The Sour Grapes Gang. It would appear that they’re much nastier than we all thought.”
There were sounds of breaths being drawn sharply all around.
[If this were a film there would be some big fat chords right about now, like at the start of Beethovens 5th Symphony. Da da da DAAAAAA. Played on a large church organ. With windows being blown open, candles being blown out, lesbian vampires and all that sort of thing.]
“Yeah, they’re the real reason behind the invasion of Iraq, and they’ve recently murdered the last survivng member of the original Splits. We’ll probably find that they were also behind the assassination of JFK and the Osmonds splitting up.”
There was much swooning and an unusually large amount of gnashing of teeth.
“Exactly, we can at least be thankful for the last one. So, myself, Homecoming Queen and Rody the Super Rat, with the help of internationally acclaimed superstar Wayne Hussey have just defeated the Panamanian branch of the SGG. “Okay, I’ll change that,” said Numf, staring into the business end of a Martian Ray Gun. “Marvin here and Rody saved the rest of us with the help of Speedy Gonzalez – now drunkenly asleep on the bar top – and Bugs Bunny – now being looked after by Marvins spaceships auto-doctor.”
“That’s better,” said Marvin, holstering his gun. And getting patted on the back from everyone within patting distance. He waddled back to his drink in the corner, less paranoid than he had been for some time.
“Okay, so where did the Zombies and the dragon come from?” asked Varalent.
“Well, I promised the Zombies a drink.”
“And why on earth would you do that?” asked Nightcrawler.
“Buggered if I can remember – I was hung-over at the time. But that’s not relevant at the moment. “Anyway, their squadron leader, was a young Oriental lassie called Kaant, who managed to trick her way into my confidence. Turns out she’s a complete nutter. She managed to capture HQ and Wayne Hussey…”
“I used to fancy him, you know,” interjected Sonnie to anyone who would listen.
“…and I gave myself up to distract her attention while Rody contacted Speedy, who contacted Bugs who got Marvin who all came and saved us.”
“What’s that got to do with a great bleeding dragon coming and wrecking Shameless Hussies?” asked Abin Quank from his pile of rubble.
“There you’ve got me stumped I must admit. Kaant seemed to vanish into thin air when the Looney Toons cavalry arrived. That’s all I know really..” finished Numf a bit anti-climactically. “We came back here for a few beers after dropping Wayne off for his gig in Buenos Aries and the guerillos off at the local cop-shop (and they have just let them go again).”
Posted by Numf El on :
PROLOGUE 2 - cont'd cont'd
“So, EDE, Maxx, Cobie and Harbinger are down and out, and we don’t even know what we’re up against,” concluded Nightcrawler. “Oh, and Rody isn’t in too great a shape either.”
“Doctor One is looking after them as we speak,” said Spellbinder, doing a quick check.
“Squeak, squeak, squeak,” said Rody the Super Rat, who was sitting on Invisible Brainiacs hands preening himself after his unfortunate ordeal.
All of the Legionworlders telepathic implants were tuned into certain animal wavelengths, which made it possible to understand certain un-human heroes, Rody included.
“So, let me get this straight,” said Nightcrawler. “Rody, you’re saying that Kaant is a shapechanger, who hid onboard Marvins spacecraft as a hamster, and then turned into that dragon that we all saw. And when you tried to call the alarm she hit you so hard that you came flying through the air and landed somewhere dark and not very pleasant…”
“Yeah,” started Potty Mouth Master, “right up Harbis ar..”
“Okay” interrupted Nightcrawler very quickly, “ I think I know where he went. We do have CCTV here you know.”
“Giving the Coventry City Television gag a miss, then Homecoming Queen was possessed by Space Tart, Cobalt Lad was smacked on the face by Harbi, Invisible Brainiac was caught getting a close-up of the pole-dancing action and Rody was saved by Space Tart, which killed Harbi. Space Tart did something funny with Cobalt Lad and then saved Harbi, and it was about then that we noticed that there was a great big dragon trying to get in without paying the cover charge,” continued Numf, gesticulating round the room at various points where the aforementioned action had taken place. Takes a deep breath to continue. “The zombies got flash-fried, as did Bugs in a moment of cartoon comic genius, and then Iron Rat, Arachne, Maxx, Lucifer Lass and Beagz mounted an offensive action. Maxx got hit by a door, Abin Quank got covered in debris, EDE tripped and hurt himself, but Kaant ran away.”
“So, what have you done to capture her?” asked Nightcrawler.
“Um, nothing much – I had to answer the ‘phone.”
“What? And leave a 95 foot dragon to decimate the population?” exploded Nighty. “We’re supposed to make this place safe for its people, not release great big freaking dragons on them!” Nighty was by this time jumping up and down in an absolute rage. “I’m well impressed, Nighty,” said Lardy.
“Huh?” exclaimed Nighty, “What are you talking about?”
“Saying freaking when you so obviously wanted to say fu..”
“Stop it – Numfy’s trying his damnedest to not swear too much in the narrative so that he doesn’t get censored yet again, and he’s allowed to play with everyone else.”
“Well, why don’t you just bleep them out, or make up other words?” asked Lardy, turning to Numf.
Numf turned back sharply to Lardy, and started towards him menacingly. “Why don’t you mind your own sprocking business,” he growled, jabbing his index finger towards Lardy, “and take your raxing head and shove it all the way to the shoulders up your FIRKING CHOCOLATE BOX!”
Lardy had started to back away at the ferocity of the assault from Numf, who he knew to be a rather laid-back member of their team. But Numf had followed, and now on his tip-toes he glared eye-ball to eye-ball at Lardy, mere inches apart. Lardy had taken the first few steps back out of surprise, but was determined not to back off any more. The audience could feel the charge in the air. The tension mounted. And then mounted some more.
“It’s not quite the same, is it Numfy?” said Lardy, slightly confused – Numfy’s stance had been strong and angry, but the words were straight out of a comic book.And not a very good comic book either.
Realising that he’d been wound up by Numf, Lardy gave him a mannly ‘chug’ on the bicep. Obviously a lot stronger than he’d planned, because Numf immediately clutched at his arm in a great deal of pain. Big Jessie that he is.
“It’s not important right now – we’ve got a dragon to catch. Where’s GreybirdBoy?” asked Nightcrawler looking around.
“I believe he said something about going to crap on some statues,” came Abin Quanks voice from beneath the pile of rubble.
----We will now have a brief interlude for Cobalt Lads story – The Price Of Security ------------
If you haven’t read it then it’s not really important – it was just really to fix the story in the timeline, and find out what happened to Numfs broken arm…….
Posted by Harbinger on :
Quality Ken, I love it!
Thanks, I needed a good laugh tonight and this was just the tonic Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Numf, I absolutely love it! And thanks for the recap!
And thanks for the plug for my story, *and* fitting into the continuity! Now we can figure out where both our stories fit in with the tag threads too! Nicely done!
And good scenes with Sonnie, Nighty and Lardy ! Your dialogue sucks me in everytime and gets me grinning and then laughing! Posted by Numf El on :
H&C, Many thanks for your kind words - it's comments like these that make the stories worth writing.
x
Posted by Numf El on :
---------- Post Cobies story – The Price Of Security ---------
THE STORY (at last)
Harbinger awoke in the same sterile environment that she had for the past week. White, sanitised, complete with the machine that goes ping. Thankfully it was turned off at the moment. She hated hospitals. Hated the disinfectant-masking-death smell of the place. Hated the tinned-peach salads that passed for lunch, complete with the lettuce swimming in the syrup. Hated the smart-arsed doctors and nurses who knew sod-all. “Oh, lets try this one then….” And hated especially the machine that goes ping. The physical pain may have been taken away but…..
As if knowing that she had just woken up, a strange man entered her private room, with Stoopid Cat in his arms, who was eyeing the man very warily. Sensing Harbis prescence Stoopid Cat turned and sproinged out of the mans arms and landed on Harbis bed with the same feline grace as a herd of lil Rhinos.
“You fat git – who’s been feeding you Mars Bars while I’ve been stuck in here?” asked Harbi.
Stoopid Cat offered his rear end to Harbi and lifted his tail, which in cat speak is normally quite an honour, and shows a certain amount of trust and friendship. Not in this case. A sharp high pitched squeal could be heard. Seconds later Harbi and the stranger were gagging, and Stoopid was sat giggling underneath the hospital bed.
“I’m owe you for that one you disgusting beast! Just you wait until I get out of here!” moaned Harbi once she was able to breath again, minutes later.
The stranger picked himself up off the floor and introduced himself, offering his hand.
“Hi” he said. “My name is Michael J. Hunt, and I represent the Legionworld Insurance Company. We’ve been having problems with…..Are you alright? You’ve turned a funny colour.”
Harbi could feel a scrabbling inside her lower intestine, as of a rather large rodent trying to claw its way out. She instinctively arched her back and screamed. MJ Hunt reacted quickly, hitting the Emergency button behind Harbi’s bed, which brought the sound of scuffling soft soled white shoes along linoleumed corridors almost immediately. There was also a faint swishing as of cardigans rubbing frantically against bleached and starched white uniforms.
Three nurses burst into the room, in time to see Mike try unsuccessfully to pin Harbi by the shoulders to the bed.
Through her hospital whites a fist sized beast appeared to be trying to rip its way through her lower abdomen, until……….
……..Harbinger woke up with a jerk (not for the first time), in a cold sweat. That nightmare again - each night she was getting a little bit further into it. But it looked like tomorrow night she would be ripped in half, and everybody knew the urban myth that if you die in your sleep, if you fail to wake up in time, then you only had seven days to live. Absolute bollocks, but still a disturbing thought.
She was cold and clammy, the hospital air conditioning having frozen the sweat to her terror ridden body.
The intercomm screen in front of her lit up, the face of BattleNurse Brannigan appearing bored and dis-interested. “Nightmares again?” she asked, as if she cared.
“How did you guess, Einstein?” replied Harbi, with as much sarcasm as she could muster. The alarm had obviously gone off in the main nurses station when Harbis signals had changed so rapidly.
“Like I give a shit, but you’d better get over them pretty darned quick, ‘cos your insurance runs out tomorrow.” The screen died with a ‘blip’.
“oh bollocks,” Harbi whispered softly to herself as she slipped back into an unconscious sleep. She also had her de-briefing tomorrow – but not the kind of de-briefing that she preferred.
Posted by Numf El on :
Harbi stood, hands on hips in her bestest Superheroine pose. Well, not quite her bestest, because her jaw hung open and there was a look of total shocked amazement on her face..
She shook her head as if to get her thoughts in order. She took her hands from her hips and leant forward, placing her knuckles on the table and shifting her weight over them. Her head swivelled, taking in the smiling, suit wearing, number crunching assassins around her. Mr Hunt was amongst them, trying his best to look apologetic, but not succeeding very well. There were a round dozen of them. It felt like a jury to Harbi.
“Let me get this straight – you think that Rody and I are in cahoots with Miss Hussy, and are trying to defraud your company of $42,000,000 in adjusted dollars to re-build Shameless Hussy’s bar. And to do this we distracted everyones attention by putting on an ‘act’” Harbi stressed the word distastefully, “while someone pushed a model dragon s head in through the front door and proceeded to wreck the joint. Because there’s no such thing as dragons. Is that it?”
“That’s the gist of it, yes,” said the head number cruncher.
“Unbefuckinglievable,” said Harbi. She paused, shaking her head slowly. “Tell me, have IQs dropped sharply since I got out of bed this morning? I’ve already told you, that one dragon put a whole lotta my friends in hospital and killed loads of zombies. And as for Rody. ….You just leave him the hell alone. Nighty took the surveillance camera film, and did some computer wizardry and calculated the speed of impact. 172 miles an hour. Tell me ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’” she said, scornfully, “ could any of you put a price on how much you would charge to let anyone insert a medium sized rodent into you at 172 miles per hour?”
Apart from someone sounding suspiciously like Mr Hunt offering under their breath to do it for free, the only answer was that of heads being shaked.
“Believe me,” continued Harbi, “ $42,000,000 doesn’t even come close!” And with that Harbi stood up straight and headed towards the door.
“But what about the money?” asked the head honcho bean counter in a loud, almost panicked voice to her back.
“Bill me!”
She made damned sure that she slammed the door behind her.
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
Mike Hunt the insurance adjustor! HAHAHAHAHAHA
And not a pastiche of our all time fave film really, oh no.... oh, maybe it is(I still have a badge y'know!)....
Too good Numf, biggest orange hugs....
Kx
Posted by Numf El on :
Is that my badge or Daves?
Posted by Numf El on :
“But who can decide what they dream – and dream I do…….”
Night after night she awoke. Cold with sweat. She didn’t remember the nightmares now, but the dread remained. Dread gripping her insides with its frozen hand. Until it had taken over her. Until she would do anything in her power to be rid of the evil that haunted her every sleeping moment.
It got to the stage that she spent her days shaking, terrified of sleep. She passed through her woken hours like a ghost. Not feeling. Drifting through a fog of unreality.
Sleep was little more than a catnap, inevitably interrupted in the same way.
“Don’t try to fix me – I’m not broken…. Don’t try to fix me – I’m not broken…. Don’t try to fix me……..”
Amy Lees words became her mantra. It wouldn't be so bad, but Numf had played Evanescences album to death, and Harbi hated it. She would rather listen to Darkseids minions playing" I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" on their home-made instruments.
But it was a mantra inside her head, not spoken aloud, because she realised that it wasn’t true. That she was broken. And she knew that everyone around her must see the truth. But she couldn’t give in to the dread – she couldn’t succumb to the fear.
She had survived for 27 years in the realm of the Dark one himself – with as much dignity and respect as was humanly possible, and soooo much more than anyone could ever have guessed. With pride. She was god-damned proud of how she had handled herself in the realm of the eternal darkness of the soul. She had earned the respect of Darkseid himself and the fear and love of his minions.
So why the hell was she crumbling now?
[ May 31, 2004, 04:58 AM: Message edited by: Numf El ]
Posted by Numf El on :
True to form the bill had arrived. With compound interest charged by the day.
The best laugh that the once beautiful Harbinger had had in ages. She even had the bill mounted behind glass and fixed firmly to her bedroom wall.
But after the laughter the tears returned.
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
quote:Originally posted by Numf El: Is that my badge or Daves?
<said in best Basil Fawlty after a win on the geegees way...> it's MINE.....
Oh yeah, the stories not bad too... Posted by Numf El on :
Knock, knock.
“Fuck off.”
“Come on, please open up Harbinger, we need your help,” came the strangely familiar voice from the far side of her closed door. “Anyway, aren’t you supposed to be on this censored language kick in this story?”
“Sorry, forgot. Listen, you woke me up, and I’m never my best when I’ve been rudely awakened from my beauty sleep,” said Harbi, opening the door to Michael J. Hunt and a tall, angular official military person.
The TAOMP and Harbi assessed each other fromhead to toe and back up to eye-to-eye. “Terribly sorry for inconveniencing you ma’am. We were looking for the “Beautiful” Harbinger.”
Even having just woken up, Harbi’s reflexes didn’t let her down.
Before he could react, the TAOMP was on his ass, back against the oppposite wall, mashed face spraying forth blood, all over his previously immaculate officers uniform.
“You were saying?” asked Harbi, calmly spoken words dripping poison, daring another verbal faux pas.
“It’th an honour to make your aquaintenth, your Imperial Magnifithenth,” came the reply through broken teeth.
“And don’t you forget it. Now, Mike, what’s this all about?” she asked, turning her attention back to the Insurance man.
“First of all, and I say this with the greatest respect, can you do me a favour and not refer to me as Mike?” asked Mike graciously.
“Why would I want to do that…Mike?” asked Harbi, knowing fine well that she would now call him nothing else.
Sensing that he wasn’t going to win this one, he changed the subject. “Captain Dallas,” he said, indicating the injured soldier pulling himself to his feet, “and I are recruiting for a task force to go out and rescue a village full of people up in the Mountains of El Veefortoosix. We received a distress call yesterday, and we haven’t been able to get contact with them since.”
“Hails of derisive laughter, Mike,” snorted Harbi derisively. She stood on the threshold of her flat, leaning relaxedly against the door frame, arms folded under her magnificent breasts, totally in control of the situation. “Tell me – why should I help you, minion of an evil emporium who are trying to get me to pay them one shit-load of money, and a soldier who, well I’m sorry, but I can’t remember the last time that I saw a man so painfully in need of a bl…”
“Please, if you’ll give us a moment I’ll explain.,” interjected Mike. “First of all, you’re a hero, and that’s what you do. Secondly, the LIC are willing to write off your debt, including the past seven weeks of interest, if we are successful...”
“Like they were ever going to see one red cent of it anyway…” said Harbi. If she had worn glasses, right now she would be looking over the top rim at the pair of them.
“…and thirdly, the distress call mentioned black clothed army personnel with an interesting tattoo.” Mike stopped for the inevitable question.
“Oh, go on, what’s the tattoo,” said Harbi, yawning through her hand with obvious lack of interest.
“A red dragon.”
“What, like the picture by Henry Blakes?” asked Harbi.
“See, I told you she’d ask that, didn’t I Captain? That’s 50 quid you’re owe me. Nah, that’s a different film.”
Posted by Numf El on :
BZZZZ!!! BZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!
“Huh, whazzzzuppppp?” asked Mike as he answered his video –phone at 4 am.
“Don’t start, it’s not a beer commercial,” chided Harbi at the other end.
“True.”
“Tell me, you berk*, we’re going there to kick their butts, aren’t we? None of this namby-pamby lefty getting in touch with themselves crap. Yeah?” asked Harbi.
“Absolutely – you have my word.”
“Right then – I’m in.” With which Harbi put down the receiver. She turned to the cat on her bed. “And you, you stoopid little shit – you ain’t comin’ with me.”
“yeah, like I’d want to anyway,” Stoopid Cat beamed into her head by way of their optic nerves. And turned back to licking his own genitals.
“ I wish I could do that,” murmered Harbi under her breath.
“Give me a handful of crunchies and I’ll let you,” purred SC back at her.
Harbi went back to bed and had the best sleep that she could remember. And dreamed of doing just exactly what SC was doing.
* FYI - according to the Collins Compact English Dictionary - berk or burk n Brit slang a stupid person; fool. [Berkshire Hunt, rhyming slang for c***] (asterisks added by Yours Truly)
Posted by Harbinger on :
" “What, like the picture by Henry Blakes?” asked Harbi."
What picture is this then Ken?
Posted by Numf El on :
It's a picture of a .....
Well take a guess Harbi, you're s'pposed to be the intelligent one.
Or ask Keith, he's the artist in the family.
Or, watch the aptly named "Red Dragon". Although I'd suggest "Manhunter" is the better version.
(And yeah, it's Blake without the "s".)
Wait a minute - you're winding me up, ain't cha?
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
In your own time Numf....
Posted by Numf El on :
Harbi awoke, feeling better than she had in ages, although feeling strangely unfulfilled.
After a 45 minute shower she felt sooo much better.
She combed her hair, leaving the long blond mane to dry naturally, and looked out her very best skin-tight lycra superheroine costume for later on.
Although she hadn’t said as much, the barb by Captain Dallas had stung, and there was only one thing for it.
Pampering.
She hit the beauty parlour at a run.
6 minutes in the tanning booth. All over body massage – rubbed and pummelled to with in an inch of a, well, to within an inch of a perfect massage.
Hair – trimmed & curled to give her suitably heroic BIG!! hair.
Eyebrows tweezered, eyelashes curled and mascara’d. Eyeliner applied.
Pedicure, manicure, nails painted.
Teeth whitened until they gleamed.
Make-up applied.
Only then did she apply talc to the inside and don her costume.
And finally look every inch the heroine that she is.
Posted by Numf El on :
Wolf whistles followed Harbi as she walked into the aircraft hanger where Marvins spaceship waited to take them to their destination.
There was what can only be described as a squad of useless looking individuals waiting at the far end of the hangar, and seeing no-one else around that was where she headed.
She was met half way by Captain Dallas who had noticed her approach and gone to meet her. He gave her a similar appraisal as at their first meeting, only this time his eyes never went further than her magnificent lycra hugged breasts. And it was to them that he started to speak.
“Welcome, Magnificent Harbinger, it’s good to have you onboard,” he slimed.
“You’re going to have a bloody long wait, you realise,” said Harbi after a pause of a few seconds.
“Excuse me?”
“If you’re expecting to get some kind of a verbal reply from these,” replied Harbi, grabbing her already monumental breasts and thrusting them together towards Captain Dallas.
The embarrassment seemed to rise from his boots, quickly turning him a beetroot colour. The peels of laughter ringing aroung the accoustically harsh environment only served to heighten his discomfort. The Useless Squad were falling off their seats / hanging on to each other.
“Yeah, if you want any respect, you’ll look me in the eye when you talk to me,” said Harbi in all seriousness, making sure that she spoke loud enough for everyone else to hear. She reached out with one finger and closed Dallas’ wide open mouth, also lifting his eye-level. “That’s more like it.” So saying she nudged her way past the still red captain, and walked towards the assembled squad, who understandably were greeting her like she was the second coming. (Nah, too obvious!)
Catwalk models could learn a thing or two.
For some strange reason Captain Dallas waited until she had reached her destination before turning round and following her.
Posted by Harbinger on :
quote:Originally posted by Numf El: Wolf whistles followed Harbi
no change there then
Ken, your writing makes me laugh like a drain.
Sometimes. Posted by Numf El on :
“Right you ‘orrible lot! Pay attention!” roared Captain Dallas in an attempt at restoring order. Mike had joined Dallas and Harbi in front of the Useless Squad who were being surveyed as if they were shit on his shoe. There was still a lot of sniggering going on behind hands.
Eventually order restored itself. But it was more out of boredom than obedience.
“First up troops I’d like to introduce you to the people up front. Most of you have met me, I’m Captain Dallas – I am in command of this command.”
And there was much sniggering, and comments of the “…and you think so…” type.
“I will stand for no more of this insubordination!” said Dallas, getting a tad angry.
“Well, sit yer arse down then,” came a voice from the rear.
“Secure that shit sonnie!” said Dallas, even more angrily.
“I’m Numf,” said Numf. “He’s..” he continued, cocking his thumb at his brother, “…Sonnie.”
More sniggers echoed throughout the holding area.
Dallas could be seen to get increasingly flustered, and was severely close to losing the plot completely.
Harbi took over. “Okay, heads up….No seriously, raise your eye level a bit, gents. ….Right, that’s a bit more like it. We’ve got a crack SGG unit holed up in a village half-way up a mountain. The villagers lost radio contact 3 days ago and haven’t been heard from since. We also have a metamorph missing…….”
“A what?” asked Numf. “ A metawho? Listen, all that I want to know is, is this gonna be a stand-up fight, or some kinda bug hunt?”
Clapping, back patting and general agreement came from the rest of the squad.
“Listen Numfy, you great twat! It was you that brought them here in the first place. It’s Kaant we’re going after, and I’m betting from the tattoos that her new squad have got that it’s the best of the best that we’re up against,” explained Harbi.
“Oh shit,” replied Numf, sotto voce.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
I'm loving this Ken... Keep it going.
P.S. I do have a message for you from SC Though. He says to tell you as much as he loves the 'Binger he just ain't that cheap...
Posted by Numf El on :
Thanks Chuck - long time no hear.
So, what's the going price - two handfuls? Posted by Numf El on :
They awoke in a pile. Arrayed along the new plush sofa that Marvin had had installed in his spaceship. Arms around each other, drool dripping silently from open mouths. Various grunts, snores and other noises emanated from the throng of bodies.
There were minor scuffles as in-appropriately draped hands were slapped out of the way.
Thankfully Marvin had been listening to Sigue Sigue Sputnik on his MP5 player, and hadn’t been subjected to Captain Dallas’ lecture on tactics during the first Gulf War – The Bravery of Staying Out Of Range. Considering the recent revelationary findings as to the reasons behind the war Harbi had found it to be a bit tasteless, as well as being so boring that everyone had nodded off.
Marvin had flown them to the village of El Asticpants and set down on the outskirts.
“Chuffin’ hell I’m hungry,” yawned Harbi as she performed her just-woken-up stretch. Sinews popped, muscles bulged and breasts thrust. Oh, and eyes bulged. Half of the squad stared in awe, whilst the other half looked away, knowing that it would just get them into trouble.
“Yeah,” said Numf, who’d seen it all before and was more interested in food, “ I hope they’ve packed rowies!”
“Gawd – it’s been positively weeks since I last had a rowie!” joined in Sonnie. “Let’s go and investigate.”
After a rummage through the galley, Sonnie came up from a cupboard clutching handfuls of clear plastic bags, through which could clearly be seen the rowies that had been craved. “Yay! Numfie – I’ve found them! Well done whoever packed these.”
“Chuck us one over min,” shouted Numf. “Nah, these are nae use – they’re Asda ones. They’re both kinds?”
“Both kinds?” asked Harbi, who was also an expert on rowies. However, she wasn’t quite fully awake.
“Yeah,” said Sonnie. “You know, cheap AND….”
“…nasty,” said Harbi and Numf in unison.
“They’ll have to do though, ‘cos there’s sod all else,” said Sonnie.
They all took up seats at the galley table and consumed rowies. Rowies with butter, rowies with jam and rowies with cheese. And some with all three. There wasn’t any peanut butter, or that would have been added to the mix as well.
Posted by Numf El on :
Harbi turned to Mike and Captain Dallas.
“So, you two, how come we got lumbered with a couple of losers like you in charge? What happened to the big hitters like Cobalt Lad – he’d be perfect for a gig like this, head of security as he is. Or Stu, Lashy-poos, Lardy? And why don’t we have Greybirdboy here to help us track the enemy? Even bloody Invisible Boy for a bit of stealth?” she asked.
“Well, you see Harbinger,” said Mike, “since you went into your self-induced brain-dead period, a few things have happened. One of which is the disappearance of those heroes that you have just mentioned. The whole of Legionworld has been searching for them to no avail. In fact if you had mentioned Arachne in your list I would have thought the coincidence too great, and suspected you in their disappearance. “Since their disappearance, and your hiding away inside yourself, the crime spree in Legionopolis has reached epic proportions, which has meant that the other ‘A’ list heroes – Spellbinder, Nightcrawler, Lightning Lad, Drake etc. – have had to stay and look after the city. So yes, you have been left with the dregs….no offence…” said Mike with just a smear of sarcasm, turning to look at the assembled personnel.
“Don’t worry,” growled Sonnie, glaring daggers back at him, “ PLENTY taken.”
“….but we’re all you’ve got, so get used to it,” finished Mike turning back to Harbi. There was a coldness and arrogance in his demeanour that Harbi hadn’t noticed before.
“Come on,” said Numf, in an attempt to break the tension in the room, “ show us your new knife trick Marvin! Hey everyone, Marv sez he’s got a new trick to show us.”
Marvin waddled over to the table from where he had been tinkering with the spaceship controls. On the way through the galley he detoured to pick up a perilously sharp kitchen knife. He plucked a hair and tested the sharpness by slicing it in half longways, as all cartoon characters are taught to do at cartoon acting college. Marvin nodded at Sonnie conspiratorily as he passed, and Sonnie held Numf from behind, hand out flat on the table. “No, you bastards! What are you doing?” screeched Numf like a big jessy. Marvin came from the side and placed his own left hand over Numfs right, fingers spread over fingers, one thumb sticking out of either side.
Marvin managed to balance the knife on the palm of his hand briefly and then snatch it out of the air with the same hand. He turned his attention to the table.
“No Marv, buddy, don’t do it,” pleaded Numf.
“Quit whining Numf,” said Marvin, “this will need a lot of concentration.”
With that Marvin lifted the knife quickly above his head, in slow-motion. Also in slow motion, Numfs head followed the upward sweep of the knife, eyes opening wider in alarm as he realised what Marvin intended.
When the downward stroke started, Numfs slo-mo mouth started opening – N….O…..O….OOOO…OOOOOOOOO..
Time clicked back to normal speed.
CHOP!
Digits scattered themselves across the table, blood spurted everywhere.
“Not funny Marv, not funny,” said Numf in a high panicked voice as he fainted.
“Luckily we cartoons can grow appendages at will,” said Marvin, willing another set of fingers to grow in place of his severed ones, which he picked up and put in the nearest bin.
I’ll have to remember that, thought Harbi to herself.
Numf regained consciousness screaming, only to find all of his fingers still connected, without even a scratch on them. The confusion written across his face was priceless.
Everybody apart from Numf laughed. Heartily.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Numf, I love this story! Keep it coming!
And seeing how the continuity of this story works with the continuity of my "Journies" story makes you Onevision even more fun to read. Thanks!
And I love the continued use of Marvin, one the great tag team creations that we all left a bit of an effect on. He seems like he was destined to be written by you alongside Sonnie, Harbi and Capt. Dallas.
Posted by Numf El on :
Thanks for the kind words Cobie.
------------------------
They got booted and suited. Suited and booted. And loaded for bear.
Tweed three pieces, gumboots and blunderbusses. With optional deerstalker. Twin-breasted padded shouldered pinstriped business suits, rugby boots and a man-trap on a chain.
They had the choice.
Most of them went for Option C – none of the above. In fact, all of them went for Option C.
It appeared that whoever had been sent to pick up the uniforms etc. from the Army Surplus Store had stopped in past the pub on the way there, had a few too many beverages and then wandered into the Oxfam shop next door.
Thankfully Marvin had a few Martian Ray Guns ™ in a cupboard, which he handed out. He even gave them a free training session – “Point, close your eyes, pull the trigger. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again.”
Michael J. Hunt baulked however when handed the bill. “£18,000 a gun!!???!!!??? You have got to be joking! And that’s before you charge them up!”
“Where else are we going to get weapons up here?” asked Harbi, looking over Hunts shoulder. “Come on you grippy bastard, just sign for it. It’s not as if it’s coming out of your pocket.”
“But, that comes to about half a million quid!”
“Yeah, and you have the authority to sign for it, haven’t you? And just think, that’s only about half of what you’ve skimmed off the top of this mission already. Isn’t it?” asked Harbi.
Hunt’s ears started to turn red. “ummmm…..” was about all he could manage as an argument.
“Hey man,” piped up Numf, “You’d better not be skimming off our wages, man, or I’ll feed you to that dragon.”
“Yeah, and I’ll help,” came Sonnies agreement. And then the shouts and threats started from all corners, as the rest of the squad heard the conversation.
Mike had to duck a few badly thrown ashtrays, baseballs and half full cups of black coffee.
Captain Dallas made the very stupid move of getting in between Hunt and the squad. Unfortunately for him he was crap at ducking, and received one of the aforementioned cups off the forehead. Head broken open, blood everywhere, lights out.
Posted by Numf El on :
Dallas woke confused. He appeared to be lying in the ships sickbay, plastered from head to foot, immobile. Apart from the pain in his head, he also had an exceedingly sore throat. But the rest of him felt all right.
So why was he incapacitated like this? “Wmmdn gnmok omnj?” he asked.
“Oh, hi there Cap’n. I guess you’re wondering what’s goin on, aren’t you?” asked Numf.
“Wmmdn fuunmnkm heljkhnbi gnmok omnj?” he asked, getting slightly more animated.
“Well, you see it’s like this. Marvins AutoDoctor is still hard at work trying to fix our good mate Bugs Bunny. And the last thing we want to do is to distract him. ‘Cos that rabbit saved my life, I’ll have you know.”
There were agreeable mutters from all the others jammed into the small medical centre.
“So, you’ll be glad to know that we’ve intubated you and plastered you from head to toe, just in case you’ve got injuries a lot worse than the obvious bump to the head,” continued Numf. “We decided it would be better to err on the side of safety, rather than be accused of in…..” Numf paused, having forgotten the bloody word he was looking for.
“Inebriated!” “Inbred!” “Incisor!” “Incognito!”
“Thanks lads, but no – I was going to say incompetence. And of course the inability to finish a coherent, ummm…..,” said Numf, managing to confuse himself.
Captain Dallas started shaking violently, obviously very angry with the situation that he found himself in.
Numf pressed a button.
Dallas found himself being lifted off the bed, a hoist attached to points at each corner.
The incomprehensible swearing was almost comprehensible.
“Right lets leave him boys and girls. He can’t do himself any harm there,” decided Numf. They all turned around and headed towards the exit, chatting merrily amongst themselves.
“By the way, Napalm, did you remember to connect him up to the human waste disposal system?” asked Spunkeater.
“No, why? Was I supposed to?”
“I don’t suppose it’ll really matter, will it?”
Posted by Numf El on :
Atmospheric drumming filled the air as the hatchway opened and the walkway lowered itself to the ground like something out of “The Day The Earth Stood Still”, only much, much less impressive.
“For Cripes sake will someone turn that bloody Cozy Powell tape off!!” screamed Harbinger.
Click. “Sorry Harbi! I would have used Ride Of The Valkyries, but it’s been done before.” shouted Numf.
“I love the smell of Napalm in the morning….” added Sonnie. “Why, thank you Sonnie, that means a lot to me..” replied Napalm. “….. reminds me of Vic fae Torry,” finished Sonnie.
Now all that could be heard was the sound of the weather. And it was not pleasant. Gale force winds howled past. Squallid rain showers battered off the hull of the spaceship. Peals of thunder echoed, scant seconds before the lightning forks split the heavens leaving the smell of burning ozone in their wake. The sound and smell of desolation filled the air.
“For Cripes sake, Numfy, turn that bloody Cozy Powell tape back on!” screamed Harbi.
“Theme One” filled the air, a piece of music that anyone who listened to Tommy “The” Vances Friday Night Rock Show in the early ‘80s would instantly recognise, and few others.
But, turned up loud it drowned out the sounds from the outside world, and roused the squad into a state of readiness for the task ahead.
The black cloud covering turned everything dusk-like, as per every horror movie just about ever. A single head peeked gingerly round the corner of the door, everyone else suddenly realising that they had presented a target for anyone out there, a square of light in the otherwise darkness…..
Posted by Numf El on :
A single shot rang out.
Luckily for Numf he had realised a split second before that he was exposing himself un-necessarily, and had bent his head forward to pull his zip up.
The mercury tipped bullet, which should have taken the top of his head off , thankfully missed. It did, however, ricochet off some structural steel and smash Numfys GhettoBlaster into smithereens. The music, unsurprisingly, stopped.
They heard an exclamation which sounded remarkably like “Fu…! You lucky bassa!”, whatever that may mean.
Within half a second everyone was on the deck, head in hands, moving away from the open door as fast as they could in their prone positions. They each took shelter as they found it, behind internal structural supports, chairs, inflatable bouncy castles and whatever else they could find. They cowered expertly.
“Marvin! Shut the pigging hatch! NOW!” shouted Harbi, who, although the only civilian, appeared to have found herself in charge for the moment. In fact she was the only one who had a Scooby what was going on.
The hatchway started to shut itself and the walkway pulled itself back into the spaceship. The ping of bullets bouncing off the armoured hull of the spaceship could be heard by everyone.
A single armour-piercing bullet managed to penetrate the hull, causing the most damage possible – it burst the bouncy castle.
Grown men dropped to their knees and wept as the realisation of what had just occurred sunk in.
Not the bouncy castle!
Harbi shook her head in dismay.
“You bunch of sad bastards,” she said softly to herself.
“Marvin – get us out of here, but not very far,” she said, moving through to the spaceships bridge.
Marvin sat in his Captains chair, both feet on the floor, both hands on a single lever, which obviously piloted the ship. His tongue stuck slightly out of the side of his mouth as he concentrated hard on flying the ship in the dreadful weather conditions. The spaceship raised itself from the ground, tipped forward and then raced away from where they had been.
Once safely out of the range of any enemy fire, and easily out of sight of anyone on the ground, Marvin straightened the ship hit the “Hoover” button on the arm of his chair…. “Oops, sorry, wrong one,” said Marvin as the ships ACME Domestic Supplies Vacuum Cleaner raced across the floor, expertly cleaning into all the nooks and crannies of the bridge. He pressed the “Hover” button instead, and the ship slowed down and hovered.
“Okay then,” said Marvin, turning to Harbi, “What’s the plan?”
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
Vic fae Torry? I haven't thought of him in years.....
Great stuff Ken, more and more and more please....
Posted by Numf El on :
“Yeah Harbi, what’s your plan?” said MJ Hunt, following her into the bridge. The rest of the squad were busy disentangling themselves from the bits and pieces that they had found themselves entangled with when Marvin had run away without giving them time to strap themselves in. They slowly drifted in to the bridge, rubbing various bashed and bruised parts.
“Well, first of all we need to do a recon of the area to see if there are any villagers left around..” started Harbi.
“Agreed,” said MJH and Numf at the same time.
“And then we’ve got to cream those SGG tattooed ninja turtle bastards,” continued Harbi.
“Yippee-kiy-ai, Motherf….oh no, that’s wrong. Wrong film, sorry,” apologised Sonnie.
“And then there’s the small problem of a 90 foot long mad mental dragon to deal with,” said MJH, looking incredibly smug. He had moved away slightly, and now leant against the doorframe, arms and legs folded.
“Yeah, I hadn’t got that far – I’d kinda reckoned that these here army boys would have a plan for that, but it looks like they’re pretty much clue-less. Dragged in off the street, a bit like myself. The dregs of the universe thrown together to make it look like there’s a real army presence. What do you say…. Mike?” asked Harbi, emphasising his name.
MJH glared at Harbi for a fraction of a second before he caught himself and looked away. “Don’t worry – I’ve got a plan for all eventualities.”
“That’s what I’m worried about,” said Sonnie.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Right, so what we need are miniature cameras with infra red ability – one for each of you. A bank of monitors, tuned in one per person. Life-sign monitors, one per person. Motion detectors, one per group. Snack bars and water bottles. One roll of toilet paper per group. Bandy nets for catching sticklebacks and other small fish. Odour eaters, at least one pair each. Numf needs two pairs – one for his feet and one for his halitosis,” listed Harbi.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Numf. “You said that you wouldn’t tell anyone about that – I told you that in confidence!” Numf turned his back on Harbi and went over to sulk in the corner.
“No, that wasn’t what I was talking about, I was …..aw forget it.” Harbi gave up, knowing from past failures the futility of trying to get Numf to understand anything without actually resorting to physical violence.
“And, pray tell,” started MJH from his place of casual smugness at the door, “looking around at the attire that this mob is wearing, do you really expect there to be infra-red miniature cameras just sitting around waiting to be used? As well as all the rest.”
“Hey Mr Soothsayer, if you’re not going to help then just shut the hell up!” said Napalm, getting all wound up and muscley about it.
“Yeah, right man!” “Yeah, jist shut yer wheesht!”
“Okay, I’ll just stand here looking smug and I won’t say a word,” said MJH, zipping his mouth shut and swallowing the key.
“That’s better. Now, what type of remote communications do we have?” asked Harbi.
“Like what?” asked a soldier who Harbi didn’t recognise.
“Who the hell are you?” asked Harbi looking into a face that she’d never noticed before.
Sonnie helped out with this one. “This is one of our twins. Celebrity twins no less. This is Joe Blobs, and over here,” said Sonnie indicating, “is his sister Betty Swollocks.”
“Hi, pleased to meet you, Joe and Betty. And what kind of celebrities are you? You’re not some kind of brother and sister act from the Jerry Springer show, are you?” asked Harbi, very dubiously.
“Hell no, miss Harbinger, ma’am. It’s just that we can trace our ancestory back to a very famous religious man,” explained Betty.
“Oh, right…” said Harbi. “Please excuse me for not instantly recognising the family resemblance. So, ummm, which famous man of religion are we talking about? Martin Luther King? Unlikely. Torquemada? Nope? Okay, I give up.”
“The Reverend Spooner,” said Joe & Betty in unison.
“Ah, that explains a lot.”
MJH sniggered.
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, where was I? Oh yes, communications. What have we got?” asked Harbinger.
Cicadas could be heard chirping in the silance.
“Thanks for that large round of indifference, guys,” sighed Harbi, shaking her head.
“I’ve got a mobile ‘phone,” said Sonnie. “ But I don’t know where it is. I think it’s back in the house somewhere. I haven’t seen it for months. It’s probably under my bed.”
“Not much use to us there, is it Sonnie? What about you, Mike?” asked Harbi.
“Oh, I’ve got a mobile – but you’re not getting your grubby little paws on it,” said MJH, waving his mobile in a “nyah-nyah-nyah nyah-nyah!” way in front of their noses.
Seconds later there were half a dozen squaddies sitting /kneeling and otherwise holding him down, wathew wuffwy.
Numfy handed the mobile to Harbi, triumphantly.
“Okay, one mobile. Not much bloody use on its own. Come on, you’re all a bunch of the great unwashed – surely one of you’ve got a mobie. Or did you have to give them back when you joined up and came off the dole? J ” said Harbi, jokingly. Luckily for her, they all realised that she was joking – anyway, she was one of them, so she could get away with that. If Captain Dallas or MJH had said such a thing they would have been in serious trouble.
But not a single phone was forthcoming.
“Hey, Marvin,is there a phone line on this ship?” No luck.
“Any walkie-talkies?” Apparently, only when you took Scooby-Doo out for a Brad.
“We could always just shout very loud,” said Numf, not very helpfully. He received a skelped lug for his stupidity.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
This is funny, Numf; I especially love the little touches you throw in - the MP5 player, "he slimed", Napalm, the increasingly developed Marvin, rowies, whatever they are.... I'm sure I'm missing a lot of references - (who is this Michael Hunt?) - but it's a fun romp!
It reads well on another level - the critique of National Health and Defense! If your team can take on those two monoliths - well, more power to them!
Posted by Numf El on :
Thanks FC - and thanks for the PM on linguistics. Never having been in the forces I didn't appreciate the variety of uses that an expert can come up with.
For yourself, and anyone else that hasn't read all of the Tag Team thread with the original explanation of what a rowie is, here it is again:-
" For those not in the know, a word of explanation.
The “rowie” is an Aberdonian baked comestible, made with flour, lard (or vegetable oil for a vegetarian option) and salt. I don’t know the exact quantities, but it’s probably about equal parts of each. Roughly the size of a CD. It is eaten in a number of ways – normally with butter. Jam (or jelly as it is known west of the big pond), cheese, peanut butter etc. can be added to your own personal taste. As with most baked goods it is at its most appetising whilst still warm.
There is absolutely no haggis in it – well, not much. About three.
The best rowies are those produced by Aitkens Bakeries and Thains Bakeries (depending on your taste). They are also known in Aberdeen as “butteries” or occasionally just “rolls”. Nowhere south of Stonehaven do they produce anything remotely approaching an acceptable rowie, although you may chance upon much breadier versions as far afield as Glasgow. Not to be confused with the real thing.
A native Aberdonian (or on occasion a non-native resident) can live from day to day without his/her rowies. However, take the Aberdonian away from Aberdeen and Aitkens rowies become like the Holy Grail. "
I hope that makes things slightly clearer for you.
K'Numf
Posted by Numf El on :
Back to the story -
“Well,” said Harbi, “it looks like we’re reduced to this.”
In her hands she held two empty tin cans and a very long length of waxed string.
“What the bloody hell are we supposed to do with that?” asked Numfy.
“You stand at one end, and put the tin to your ear, and I’ll stand at the other end and talk into the other can, and you should be able to hear me.”
“But I can hear you anyway,” said Numfy, looking all confused.
“Look, take this can and go to the other side of the room, and put it to your ear and I’ll….”
She was interrupted by MJH. “Do you know what all this sounds like to me? Wasting time. If you’re not in a straight line, at a set distance from each other then it just won’t work. You’re procrastinating.”
“I sodding well am not!” said Numfy. “I’ve still got my trousers on!”
“Oh, bugger. I guess we’d just better stay together then, hadn’t we. I was hoping I could stay here and direct operations from the ship,” said Harbi. “Right, what’s the plan?”
“What?” said Sonnie. “You mean that you’re not privvy to the plan? You seem to have taken charge, so we kinda assumed that you knew what was going on. Didn’t we guys?” he said, looking around for, and getting, confirmation.
“Mike? Help us out here? What’s the plan?” begged Harbi.
“Can’t help you there, my dear sweet lady. You see, this here’s a military operation, and I’m just an insurance broker. Why the hell should I know what the plan was?” he asked, smug as all hells minions torturing helpless little kittens.
There was a sudden loud bang, and the ship lurched to one side, throwing everyone seriously off balance. There were almost as many expletives as there were bruises.
“Well,” said Marvin, “I guess we should have run further away than we did. That must have been a heat seeking missile they’ve hit us with, ‘cos we’re the only warm thing around here today.”
Marvin fought manfully with the controls, with only a limited success.
“Brace for impact, brace, br….”
SMACK!!!!!
Bounce.
SMACK!! Slide………………
Shudder.
Stop.
Silence, apart from the cackle of flames.
“Quick – get the fire extinguishers!” yelled Napalm.
“Get the hell out of my cleavage!” yelled Harbi at MJH. How he had managed to land face first inside Harbis bra she would never know.
The squad battled to put out the fire as Harbi fought to get the greasy perv out of her underwear. And why did it feel like she had been licked?
Posted by Harbinger on :
I'm used to guys talking to my cleavage but it's been a while since I've had to pick one out of there Though the feeling of having been LICKED by a greasy insurance man? Well I guess it isn't as bad as inserting arodent at 172 mph so I'm not gonna complain too much And an insurance man called Mike Hunt - took me a while to catch that one, very good!
Numf your jolly romp continues to make me laugh. Love Sonnies comment about his phone being under his bed - that is SO Sonnie!! Also the mental picture of handing out tin cans on string is priceless!
Now I only hope Marvin (my new fave character) hasn't crash landed anywhere dangerous...
More, more and then some more please
Harbixx
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
Actually my phone's in my black bag.... I just don't know where that is
Great stuff Ken, more and more and more please....
Posted by Numf El on :
Harbi picked herself up, dusted herself off, and resisted the temptation to start all over again.
Most of the bridge was covered in foam, to a depth of 3 or 4 feet, and black smoke floated to the ceiling where it hung like a stormcloud, blocking out most of the light. The smoke was being tackled by the Expel-air, which was slowly clearing the acrid fumes.
But where was everyone? With the exception of herself, Marvin and MJH everyone seemed to have disappeared.
Harbi couldn’t help but laugh out loud when the Useless Squad appeared on hands and knees from out of the foam. “I knew you lot could all do with having a bath, but that’s ridiculous. Anyway – I hope that none of you lot are Muslims.”
“Hey, that’s a bit of an un-PC, post 9-11 bandwagon jumping, racist, derogatory statement straight out of left-field, Miss- bigoted- Harbinger,” said Napalm, the African American sergeant, squaring up to Harbi, covered in fire-extinguisher foam. Harbi looked so entirely un-phased. “What has our religion got to do with how well we fight?”
“I resemble that remark!” said Numfy, pushing in between Napalm and Harbi. “Harbi’s no more racist that I am. I’m sure she had a very good reason for what she said. Didn’t you H?” said Numfy imploringly, turning his head to face her whilst still holding the much bigger Napalm off with straight arms.
“Numfy’s right. I said what I said out of respect,” agreed Harbi.
“You know # R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me..” said Numfy, having a sad little attempt at a dance to himself.
“How the hell do you work that one out?” asked Napalm, confused as well as angry now. “You said that you hoped that none of us were Muslims – how can there be any respect in that?”
“Okay, calm down and listen. What’s all that white stuff you’re covered in?” asked H.
“You know what it is, lady. It ain’t no bubble bath - it’s fire extinguisher foam,” Napalm answered.
“Good. Now what’s it made of?” prompted H.
“I know this one!” exclaimed Numfy excitedly. “It’s made of foam!” One skelped lug from each of Napalm and Harbi later, Numf stropped off to humf in the corner.
“No, Numfy, its made of Animal products. It says here on the label,” said Spunkeater from behind Napalm.
“And? What’s your point here H? And it better be good, ‘cos I still ain’t heard nuthin’ to convince me,” said Napalm.
“It’s simple. The animal product that Spunkeater mentioned is pigs blood, and everybody knows that Muslims hate pigs for being dirty, cloven footed and whatever else,” said Harbi. “So, being covered in pigs blood would be a very distressing, emotional religious experience for them.”
“Fair ‘nuff,” said Napalm, turning away from the confrontation. “Glad I ain’t no Muslim then. “Yo, sorry what I said ‘bout you.”
“Apology accepted.”
Posted by Numf El on :
“Right then – we’d better get out there and find ourselves somewhere to hole up, ‘cos those guys in black are going to be chompin’ on our asses sometime pretty darned soon,”
“Harbi - Sonnie and I’ll go first,” said Numfy. “Hey, Sonnie, remember when we were kids and we used to play cowboys? Well, lets do that again.”
“What, both guns blazin’, clearing a path to safety? Good idea!” replied Sonnie. “Okay, everybody else ready?” The Useless Squad readied themselves in behind the two brothers, lining up in ones and twos.
“I’m staying behind to try and fix my ship, get it flying again,” said Marvin. “You never know when we’ll need to get the hell out of here. But I’ll operate the door for you.”
“Thanks Marvin, and good luck. When you’re ready….”
The hatchway opened, and the walkway once again lowered itself to the ground. Equally as unimpressive as it had been the last time.
Sonnie and Numf came bursting out of the entrance in slow-motion, Martian Rayguns in both hands. Shoulder to shoulder they moved, bursts of destructive light erupting from their pistols every two seconds, exploding in shards of sparks.
“The daft bastards are playing at Butch and Sundance!” shouted Harbi, and dived after them through the hatchway, pulling them down and rolled the remaining distance down the walkway.
Luckily for them there was no return fire, and they only ended up eating dirt instead of lead. “We can’t have long before their troops arrive, lets head over to those buildings,” said Harbi, pointing at an array of prefabricated buildings in the middle distance. They formed up and moved out.
Posted by Numf El on :
They ran through the rain, hunched over for protection both from the weather and the possibility of attack.
When they reached the buildings, they set about breaking down the door. Harbi turned around to survey their rear, and noticed two stragglers, labouring their way across the muddy landscape. It was Joe & Betty. Conditions underfoot were treacherous, and they were making slow headway.
She ran back to help them and noticed that they were carrying a large object between them.
“What the bloody hell is this?” Harbi found herself screaming into the wind to make herself heard.
“It’s Frosty,” said Joe, as he laboured, in a tone that indicated to Harbi that she should know exactly who and what it was.
“And just why are you carrying Frosty, a nine foot stuffed Siberian tiger through the pissing rain into battle?” asked Harbi, incredulously.
“He’s the squad lucky mascot!” shouted Betty. “Yeah, where else should he be but with the squad in battle – he wouldn’t be very lucky for us if we left him in the ship, would he?” asked Joe loudly.
Harbi looked around, suddenly terrified for her life. She was stuck in the middle of very wet, muddy no-mans land, with two mad people and a stuffed tiger, and thoughts were starting to form in her head.
Thoughts she didn’t like.
“Whose bright idea was that?” she asked, still furtively scanning the surrounding area.
“Why, it was yours!” answered the twins together.
“It sodding was not!” exclaimed Harbi.
“Well, Mr. Hunt certainly said it was,” answered Joe.
“I’ll bet it was his idea that you put on those Manchester United tops as well, wasn’t it?” asked Harbi.
Posted by Numf El on :
Harbi and the two Spoonerisms darted across the open ground, keeping low so as to give a smaller target. Frosty had been abandoned to the elements, to be sucked into the rain-lashed landscape. The first casualty.
Harbi crashed through the remains of the door, into near darkness, where she ran into the tail members of the squad, knocking everyone to the ground.
“Strike!” cheered Joe, following her into the building.
“Right – where’s Mike Hunt?” shouted Harbi, picking herself up off the top of the pile of bodies.
Deadly silence. Apart from the scrape of people picking themselves up.
“Aw, come on boys, I’ll ask again. I’ll give you this one for free, guys, and it’s not many of those you get. Right,” Harbi started, speaking slowly, “has anyone seen Mike Hunt.”
Still nobody muttered a word, in fact they all looked at each other, expecting someone else to say the first word.
“Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. A line like that and no-one’s gonna pick up on it? All of the readers have been waiting for this line for about 2 months – you’re not going to let them down, are you? I’ll try once more. Has anyone seen Mi…”
“Yeah, yeah, okay Harbi, I’ll take the bait,” volunteered Sonnie. “Yes, and it was VERY scary.”
“Thank you, Sonnie,” replied Harbi with a resigned sigh.
“I thought it looked lovely and cuddly and warm and inviting.”
“Thank you, Numfy”
“No ma’am, but I wish I had,” said Napalm.
“Shit,” said Sonnie.
“Yeah, I have too,” said a voice from the bottom of the pile, face squished into the lino, “when you were in hospital under the influence of anaesthetic. I hadn’t realised that you were part Brazilian.”
Mike stood up and dusted himself off. When he looked up after finishing the dusting process he immediately wished he hadn’t. In the split second he had before he landed on his ass he saw Harbi, arms folded under her breasts, head shaking with a “that’ll teach ya” look on her face. She appeared to be sandwiched between the two rapidly enlarging fists heading towards his face – one each from Sonnie and Numfy.
“I thought you said that one was for free!” squealed Mike as he jumped to his feet, much to the amusement of the onlookers. One hand flew to his arse, to rub his heavily bruised coccyx. The other hand held his ruptured nose and tried to stem the blood flow.
“No, I said that I would give you it for free – I didn’t say how anyone else would take it,” explained Harbi.
“Ah, semantics,” said Mike, distastefully, shaking his head.
“Wait a minute,” said Numfy, getting all aggressive and having to be held back. “She’s no’ a Jew. Tell him Harbi, you’re Church o’ Scotland, aren’t you!”
Posted by Numf El on :
“We’ve lost our first member of the squad, I’m afraid,” said Harbi once the hilarity had died down.
Following the two second stunned silence everybody tried to speak at once.
“Oh no…” “ What happened…” “ Who….”
“Wait a minute, we’re all here!” said Sonnie who had done a quick head count.
“I’m afraid to tell you that we’ve had to leave Frosty behind to face the music,” said Harbi.
Once again everbody tried to talk at once.
“Oh no!” “What on earth was….” “What music? I don’t hear any….”
“Because somebody,” and here Harbi turned to face Mike, “told Joe and Betty that I had said it was a good idea to carry a nine foot stuffed tiger into a battlezone. Didn’t you Mike?”
Mike at least had the good grace to look sheepish about being foound out. Either that or he was trying to work his boyish charm on Harbi, and failing abysmally.
“Hey, has anyone seen my patented Wanker Detector?” asked Numfy. So saying he put his left hand flat out palm upwards. Then he pointed his right index finger out and balled the rest of his right hand into a fist, which he then sat on his left palm.
“Deet…….Deet……..Deet…….” came the sound effects as Numfy turned slowly around his colleagues and friends. His hands were steady.
The interval between deets became less, until, of course, he reached Mike.
“Deetdeetdeetdeetdeetdeetdeetdeet,” went the detector, as Numfys right hand bounced up and down on his left, pointing at Mike. Everybody fell about laughing, with the exception of Mike, who just stood there and looked daggers at Numf.
Posted by Numf El on :
“I suppose this means that we have to give him back the dry clothing he gave us,” said Spunkeater from the back of the group.
“What dry clothing is this, then?” asked Harbi.
“Well, he had a whole pile of dry football tops in a cardboard box that he took with him. I got an England 1966 World Cup winners top – you know, the red one,” said Spunkeater.
“Yeah, he gave me an Thailand top,” said Sonnie. “Cool, I was in Thailand last year you know!”
“And I got a Liverpool top,” said Numfy, chuffed to bits.
“I got a Washington Redskins top,” said Napalm.
“And the two Spoonerisms got Man Utd tops. Anybody else?” asked Harbi.
Drock had been given an Arsenal top. Ahole had been given a Spain top. Vaseline had been given a Portugal top.
“Hows about one for me, Mikey boy?” said Harbi. “Oh, look, an Aberdeen top. And yourself? Oh, right, a green-and-white-hooped Glasgow Celtic top. Well, that’s a surprise. You don’t sound Glaswegian, nor Irish, to me. And I haven’t seen you genuflecting either, so I’m guessing you ain’t no Catholic. “So, you’ve got one of the most instantly recognisable tops anywhere, and everybody else is wearing red, or thereabouts. Coincidence?”
“I don’t know what you’re suggesting, Harbinger. Hey, come on guys, stop crowding me!”
“I’ll tell you what,” said Harbi, “ most of these guys here are Trekkies, so they know the significance. So, we’ll all take off our new tops, and let you wear one of the red ones. How’d you like them bananas?”
“No, I couldn’t possibly do that. I’m allergic to man-made fabrics, I come out in a rash,” weasled Hunt.
“Well, the England ’66 top’s made of cotton, so you’ve got no excuses there,” said Spunkeater, taking off his recently aquired top and handing it across. Mike looked at Spunky like he was envisaging him drowning in slowly solidifying strawberry jelly. (Of the ice cream and jelly variety, not the peanut butter and jelly.)
“I’ll tell you what, Mike, put on your Celtic top and we’ll try an experiment,” said Sonnie.
“No, bugger off – you’re setting me up here,” protested Mike.
Sonnie reached out and stuck two fingers up Mikes already bloodied nose, lifting him up so that he was standing on his tiptoes. Mike held on to Sonnies arm, screaming for him to let go. Sonnie unceremoniously dumped him on his bruised coccyx.
Michael J Hunt squealed like a stuck pig.
“So. We don’t have to get nasty here do we Mikey-boy?” asked Sonnie, wiping his fingers on the back of his combat trousers.
Posted by Harbinger on :
Go Keefee!
more more more please Numf, thanks
Bxx
Posted by Numf El on :
You had me confused for a second Harbi - I thought you'd got me and Keith mixed up, but then I realised where we were in the story.
Ask Keith about his time in the Angels some time, and he'll tell you a few self defence tricks.
Kx
Posted by Harbinger on :
I don't have a spare day and a half to hear about the Good Old Days, maybe next lifetime? Still ya Sonnie
Anymore coming soon Ken?
Bxx
Posted by Numf El on :
One quick change of top later (well, not a Superman in a telephone box, but as quick as a whiny assed insurance man with a busted nose and a sore arse could manage), Sonnie shoved Mike back out of the door into the pouring rain. Lightning split the sky, showing quite clearly a very wet man standing in a puddle, green and white hoops clearly visible for miles around.
Nothing happened. The rain continued to fall. The mud continued to get gloopier. Time passed slowly. Three seconds later another burst of lightning split the skies, with the same effect. Mike hadn’t moved. Still nothing happened.
“Okay, you can come back in now!” shouted Harbi.
Mike dragged his sodden miserable body back under cover.
As soon as he was back inside, Sonnie thrust the ’66 top over his head, trapping his arms at his side, giving Harbi the opportunity to use the sleeves as reins. She made sure that none of the Celtic top was visible, and thrust him out the door. He was only out the door for about half a second before Harbi reined him back in by the sleeves, and slammed the door shut.
THUD THUD THUD THUDTHUD
Harbi opened the door to have a look, and everyone saw the three throwing stars and two oriental throwing spears stuck there, still a-quivering. She shut the door again very quickly.
“Well, at least we know there’s someone out there,” said Sonnie sarcastically.
Posted by Numf El on :
The Useless Squad moved backwards in formation, lasers pointed at the door. Harbi just stood there over the fallen body of the treacherous insurance man, feet wide, fists on hips, looking like the soggy hero that she was. She shook her head, looking at the cowering traitor in the foetal position, looking all the more ridiculous because he hadn’t managed to extricate his arms from the ’66 top. He looked scared.
“Well, what did you expect?” asked Harbi. Mike gibbered. And then gibbered some more.
Harbi looked up at the Useless Squad, slowly backing away from the door along the dark, claustrophobic corridor.
“Tell me guys,” she said addressing the squad, “when was the last time that you heard of ninjas coming in through the front door?”
They went into a flat panic, spinning on their heels, pointing their guns at the ceiling and into any dark corner - of which there were many – tripping over each other and generally making arses of themselves.
Lightning cracked outside, casting scary shadows and frightening the ever-livin’-shit out of more than one member of the squad.
“So, Mike, what are we facing?” asked Harbi, false smile plastered to her face.
“Gibber.”
“Hey Joe, Betty, come over here,” called Harbi, beckoning them. They came as requested.
“You do know what happened out there, don’t you ?” asked Harbi. “This bugger tried to have you killed.”
“Well, we are soldiers, so getting killed is part of the territory,” said Betty, matter-of-factly. “However, being set up by your own side isn’t really fair play, is it? I don’t think that insurance is really the line of work that you should be in Mikey – I reckon that you’d be more suited to agriculture. And just to show there’s no hard feelings I’ve got a gift to start you on your way.”
“A gift? For me?” wheezed Mike between gibbers, still curled up on the floor.
Harbi hid her eyes, knowing what was coming.
Betty took a step towards Mike, swinging her right leg as if about to take a rugby conversion attempt (a bit like kicking for the extra point at American Football).
She let fly, connecting with as much force as she could muster.
“Yeah, there’s a couple of acres for you!” she said. She brushed her hair out of her eyes, turned around and walked away, chin held high. “Yeah, and here’s a couple from me as well!” added Joe.
The Useless Squad reacted in a couple of different ways. Some members practically doubled up in an empathic reaction. Others doubled up in laughter.
Numf just stood there, quizzical look on his face. “I don’t get it. What has 4840 square yards got to do with a kick in the balls?” he asked of no-one in particular.
Mike wheezed some more.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Right, Joe and Betty, you’re in charge of Mikey boy here,” said Harbi. “Everyone else, lets try to find a way out of here.”
“You don’t mind if we…..” started Joe.
“Just as long as he’s still able to answer questions,” came the reply from Napalm, who seemed to be the top ranking soldier around.
“Okay, lets split into three squads,” organised Harbi. “I’ll stay here with Joe, Betty and traitor here. Anything of interest let me know, and I’ll co-ordinate things from here. Napalm, I’ll let you decide who’s in each squad.”
“Okay, Numf, Sonnie, you go with Vaseline and Spunkeater. Take the stairs here and check out the second floor,” said Napalm.
“What do you mean second floor, sarge? There’s only a ground floor and a first floor,” pointed out Sonnie.
“No, I’m in charge, so there’s a first and a second. Now, just get your asses up them damned stairs and check all the rooms!” said Napalm, raising his voice to show he wasn’t going to take any nonsense.
The four of them disappeared carefully up the stairs, lasers pointed ahead of them, eyes constantly moving, looking for any signs of life, friend or foe.
Napalm was left with Drock and Ahole. They spread out across the corridor. They progressed by the not very subtle method of throwing the door open and barging / diving / falling into the room ready to tag anything that moved. Clumsy and noisy it may be, but it was liable to scare the shit out of anyone lying in wait.
Upstairs, Sonnie turned to Numf. “Hey, Numf, I was well impressed with your Wanker Detector,” he said quietly, still concentrating on the dark corners where danger might wait. “I don’t suppose that you can do anything else with it, you know, different modes.”
“Yeah, I can actually, just stay exactly where you are, don’t move, and I’ll show you.” So saying, Numf walked a couple of strides in front of his comrades and then turned around to face them. “It’s also a motion detector.” He sat his right hand on his left as before, and pointed his index finger at Sonnie. “Just give me a second to get the right setting,” he said, concentrating for a second. “Okay here we go…. Deet…...deet…...deet……deet. Okay, move towards me slowly, deet…deet…deet…deet, and a bit faster, deetdeetdeetdeetdeet. See it works.” He lifted his right hand and blew away the imaginary smoke from the end of his index finger, and then holstered it. A smug idiotic grin hung on his face.
No matter what she may have said earlier about ninjas not coming in the front door, Harbi immediately began to barricade the door they’d come through. Ninjas might not, but she knew that dragons did.
Posted by Numf El on :
Behind his back, Vaseline, Spunkeater and Sonnie laughed silently at Numf. Hands over their mouths, holding their noses between thumb and forefingers, they rocked with mirth, trying not to let on. A few small sniggers managed to escape, but not loud enough for Numf to notice, his attention elsewhere.
Numf was a few steps ahead, facing away from them down the upper floor corridor, “motion detector” sweeping from left to right, floor to ceiling, and back again. “…deet…..deet…..deet…..deet…”
“deet…deet….deet….deet…deet.. Hey, wait a minute guys, I think there’s something over there,” said Numf.
The three amigos fell about laughing – not even bothering to try to conceal their hilarity any more.
Numf turned at the sound. He just looked on in exasperation. “Come on now guys, I’m being serious!”
That just set them off even more. Tears were streaming down Sonnies face, as he staggered around clutching his sides. Vaseline was bouncing off the walls, and Spunkeater looked like he was about to pee his pants.
Harbi came bounding up the stairs, four at a time, to see what the commotion was all about.
“What the HELL is going on here?” she shouted, in an attempt to regain some order.
Numf shrugged, looking kinda pissed off, and turned back to his detecting. He wandered off down the corridor, deeting softly to himself.
Vaseline guffawed, snot exploding out of her nose. Sonnie tried not to cry, and Spumkeater ran in to the nearest room where, following a great deal of splashing, a huge sigh of relief was heard.
Numf had continued his wandering. And his deeting.
“Hey, Harbi, come up here, I sense something moving” he said softly.
Unusual though it was, Harbi was aware that Numf did have some strange abilities. She had seen him attract objects at will before, but being a lazy bastard, it wasn’t something that he had ever developed properly. So, when Numf said that he had sensed some movement, Harbi was the only one who didn’t automatically think he was a total nutter.
Tempting though it was to stand on Sonnies nuts on the way past, she resisted, and just kicked him gently instead.
Posted by Numf El on :
Harbi peered along the nigh black corridor, looking for any sign of life. Another lightning flash outside briefly lit up parts of the corridor through the open doorways. The light seared itself into their eyeballs, making it even more difficult to see anything once the darkness grabbed ahold again.
Harbi could have sworn that she heard the softly spoken words “use the force young numf”, though it could have just been Sonnie taking the piss.
Just a minute, she thought, has anybody actually tried turning the lights on?
Click….pi…pi….pi…..ping. The flourescents along the length of the corridor came on.
“Look, Numf – nothing,” said Sonnie, sniggering at his glaekit brother, while he picked himself up off the ground.
“No, shhhh, listen,” said Vaseline.
So they did, and heard nothing other than the rest of the squad charging into empty rooms, rain pattering off the flat roof, and the odd thump as Mike continued with his new hobby of picking up bruises.
“See, nothing Numf, what are you getting us all worked up about, man?” asked Vaseline.
“Shhhhhh!”
Skritch….skritch…skritch….
Numf pointed down at the floor. “It’s there.”
“Well, we’ll let Napalm deal with it then. HEY NAPALM – You’ve got company!” shouted Spunkeater.
“Nah, listen, it’s in the floor, not downstairs,” said Numf.
“HEY, NAPALM, IT’S IN THE CEILING!” yelled Spunky.
Almost instantly, shards of red light cut through the floor all around, slicing through the air like, umm…., well…., like lasers through the air, breaking light fittings, cutting holes in the floor and generally being a nuisance.
Five people jumped back almost instantly, falling over each other in an attempt to escape the rays.
“STOP! YOU DAFT BAS…” could be heard from five mouths at once.
The lasers stopped.
“Ooops – Sorry!” came Napalms voice, through the holes in the floor.
Creaaaaakkkkk!!!
Harbi looked up – they’d managed to cut through the main supporting joists in the roof with their lasers, and half a ton of metal and tiles was slowly sliding their way.
Posted by Numf El on :
Like lightning, a small red, white and blue streak came flying out of a sliced open pipe in the floor, headed straight for the roof. There the small object lifted the ceiling back into place with one paw. Once positioned, red beams emitted from its eyes, which welded the metal joists back together.
They were saved – Hooray!!!
For now at least. They still had the small point of an un-known number of ninjas, and a freakin’ big dragon to deal with. But for now they were still alive. Hooray! Huzzah! And three cheers!
“Rody!” shouted Numf, for it were he – Rody the Super Rat. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Rody flew down and landed on Numfs outstretched hand, where he started to preen himself. Little front paws cleaning his ears and whiskers and nose and tail and anywhere else you can think of. And his Super Rat costume and cape.
“Squeak, squeak, squeaks,” spake he, between and betwixt preens.
Numf, Sonnie and Harbi had all been given implants that enabled them to understand any language, including that of small white furry rodents. None of the others had a clue what was going on.
Napalm, Ahole and Drock had come a-bounding up the stairs to find out what the story was.
“Fuck – it’s a rat – kill the bastard!” said Drock, levelling his ray gun at Rody. Numf turned to get his body in between the gun and Rody, while Harbi straight-armed Drock in the side of the head.
“Sorry Drock,” said Harbi disarming him and picking him up off the floor, “but we’ll have less of that language. We may be a bunch of grunts, but we don’t have to talk like that. Lets show that we’ve got some class about us.”
“But it’s a fuc…” SLAP “Sorry, Harbi – but it’s a …. Well it’s a rat! Pest! Vermin!”
“It may be a rat, but it’s a personal friend of mine,” said Numfy. “Not only does it have intimate knowledge of Harbi” – both Harbi and Rody shuddered at that thought – “ but he has saved my life on occasion.”
“Yeah, this is Rody the Super Rat,” said Harbi.
“Not THE Rody the Super Rat?” said Drock.
“Absolutely,” said Numf.
“Never heard of him,” said Drock, rubbing the side of his head. “You know,” offered Sonnie, “the urban myth – Magnificent Superheroine and the Love Rat?”
“Oh, THAT rat,” said Drock, nodding his head knowingly, instantly developing a lot more respect for Rody. There were a few other respectful, nodding heads as well. Harbi blushed furiously.
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, Rody, what the hell are you doing here?” asked Harbi.
“Squeak, squeak, squeeeeeaaakk, squeakity squeak,” said Rody, giving them his full attention, now that he had finished his ablutions.
“Oh,” said Harbi, very surprised at the reply.
“See, I told you he was a good friend, didn’t I?” said Numf.
“Yo, what’s goin’ down, bro?” asked Napalm, perhaps a tad stereotypically.
“Well, that would be when you take a young lasssie back to your flat, ply her with a few Speccy Brews, and then get her to su…” started Numf, managing to duck the skelp round the ear from Harbi. “What?” he continued, indignantly. “Napalm here wanted to know what “goin’ down” is, so I was just about to tell him!”
“From what I’ve heard, Numfy, that’s something that Napalm here doesn’t need any help with. And especially not from a scrote like you. But that wasn’t what he was asking,” explained Harbi. “He was trying to find out what Rody was saying, ‘cos he doesn’t have a chip in his head like you and I. Now, do you want to explain, or will I – on second thoughts, let me.”
Harbi took a deep breath and started. “Rody here feels that he owes me a great debt. After our unfortunate accident back at Shameless Hussies, he can’t stop thinking that he owes me his life. A debt of honour.” She paused for a second and looked at Rody, tears welling in her eyes, smile playing round the corners of her mouth and spoke to him. “You’re not owe me anything, mister. That was not your fault. In fact, I’m hoping for payback any day soon.”
“Onyway,” continued Numf, while Harbi welled up with emotion, “Rody here says that he’s been up here for a coupla days casing the joint. Seeing how the land lies, ‘n’at. He’d heard that Harbi was coming up here with us lot and wanted to help. So he flew up here a coupla days ago and has been keepin’ an eye on things for us.” He patted Rody gently on the top of the head. “Good rat.” He turned to Drock and locked eyes. “Don’t mess with the rat – or you take on me too. My pal,” he said, indicating the rat. “Square go on the hill at 4 o’clock, if you get my drift.”
“Hey, point taken, man,” said Drock, hands raised in supplication.
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, Squeaky, where the hell is everybody?” asked Vaseline.
“Squeak, squeak, squeak,” replied Rody, who also had an implant, and could understand what everyone said, with the exception of some of Numfs colloquialisms. But then, no-one else understood what the hell he was on about most of the time anyway.
“He says that they’re being held deep down in a cave behind the old hen farm,” said Sonnie. “But they’re really well guarded apparently. Ninja everywhere, he says.”
“A hen farm, eh? I’d wondered what that smell was,” said Napalm, “I thought it was Numfs feet!”
“No – that smell IS my feet,” said Numf matter-of-factly. “Just wait and see how bad a hen farm can smell. Worse than hippopotamus shit – I’m tellin’ you.”
“But, if we’re going to get to the cave, then we’ll have to leave this building, won’t we? With all them bad-ass ninjas out there we’ll be sitting targets. ” asked Vaseline, “Unless la rata here knows another way.”
“Squeak, squeak,” said Rody.
“He says that there’s a drain that runs along the roof of the hen house…Wait a minute Rody – that might be okay for you, but how are us big people gonna manage?” Numf enquired.
“Squeak?”
“Well I suppose we could try crawling across the roof, if that’s what you suggest. Will we be visible from the ground?” asked Numf. In reply to Rodys shaking head he added, “Okay then, lets go and give it a look.”
They walked along to the end of the corridor and looked out of the window. Luckily for them there was a light switch at that end as well, which they turned off before getting too close to the window. The window overlooked a large single storey warehouse. By the irregular light of the lightning storm they could all make out that there was a fairly worn out corrugated iron roof. Through the rust holes in the roof they could make out the sound of clucking. A highly charged ammoniacal smell drifted through the window, much to the disgust of anyone whose olfactory senses still worked, or who hadn’t grown up in the same house as two teen-age brothers.
“Your bedroom used to smell worse than that Numf,” added Sonnie to the general noises of coughing and spluttering.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Well, since yous lot are too busy gagging, I suppose I’d better go first,” said Numf.
“Before we go any further,” said Harbi, trying to take as short breaths as possible, “ what the hell are we going to do with Hunt?”
“Well, we can just leave him here, can’t we?” asked Vaseline.
“We could, but we still don’t know what the hell he’s up to. So it might be better to keep him with us until we find out,” said Harbi. That didn’t get the agreement from the others that she had expected. So she tried another tack. “ And we can always use him as bait or a shield if need be.” That got the general consensus of opinion firmly behind her.
As Napalm went back along the corridor and down the stairs at the far end to get the Spoonerisms and Hunt, Numf lowered himself out of the window, gingerly touching down on what was not the sturdiest roof in the neighbourhood.
Posted by Harbinger on :
Go Numf!!
more more more!
Loved the 'smell of growing up with two teenage brothers' comment - we've both had to put up with that and know how true it is!
Ol says there's nothing wrong with the smell of teenage boys BTW just when you think that he's starting to grow up
more more, oh I've already said that haven't I?
Posted by Stoopid Cat on :
**Roar**
The TIGER GOD AVATAR is really enjoying this story... More soon Numf, Pretty please? (or Else)
<Rubs against Harbi-Barbi's legs and othe assorted parts and purrs...>
**Roar**
Posted by Harbinger on :
Hey S'cat, is that your tail rubbing against me there or are you just REALLLY glad to see me? Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
NUMF gimme more Dragons already willya?
Posted by Numf El on :
Bugger off Sonnie.
I've just got back from 4 days offshore, I'm slowly drowning in the pile of work that I've ended up with because of it, and I gave you all my backlog before heading off last Friday.
So, for a change I'm out of chapters to post. I gotta write some more first.
Big hugs. K
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
No worries, have a good weekend.
(though you do know your legion of adoring fans are always eager for more more more! And some more Dragons posts too )
Kx
Posted by Numf El on :
Keith - this one's for you. ----------------
Harbi, Sonnie, Vaseline, Ahole, Spunkeater and Drock hung out of the window, torn between sweeping the surrounding area for ninja and watching what the hell Numf was up to.
In time to Tchaikovsky’s Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy that was playing in his head, Numf was waltzing / tight-rope walking / tip-toeing along the rusty corrugated roof of the hen-house. The hen-house was approximately 120 feet long, and Numf was doing the sensible thing by following the line of roofing bolts along the centre of the roof.
When Numf was a third of the way along the roof, Vaseline noticed the end of a blow-pipe edging round the corner of the building – pointing Numfs way.
“GET DOWN NUMFY!” shouted Vaseline, as the dart was blown out of the pipe.
Numfy fell like a stone – CRASH! – onto the beam holding up the centre ot the roof. A creak could be heard, getting louder and louder, joined by squealing rusty metal. The roof caved in before anyone could react.
Numf fell into the hen house, with the roof falling in around him. A loud splat could be heard, and a great spray of white liquid was ejaculated out of the brand new hole.
Numf had fallen into the equivalent of a hen cess pit – and it hadn’t been cleaned for a very long time. He had quite easily broken the hard surface and ended up in the liquid underneath.
(yeah, I know that hens just crap all over the place, but bear with me please, ladies and gents)
Numf emerged, clearly visible to everyone looking out of the window. Covered from head to foot in white viscous semi-liquid hen-manure.
He dripped. He wiped his eyes. He dripped some more. He spat, and then spat some more until it was only saliva that he spat. He cleared his nose in a rather vile manner that football players do – but everyone understood the need. He held his arms out to the side, as if he didn’t want any one part of his body to touch any other part of his body. His combat trousers and jacket stuck to his skin in a way that was far too reminiscent of having been vacuum-sealed onto his body.
“Gaaaaaadz min!” he exclaimed. Most people didn’t understand the words, but got the sentiment rather clearly.
He tried to peel the jacket from his body, but the viscous semi-liquid had started to harden, and all that he managed to do was to tear out some chest hairs rather painfully.
“Haaaarbi!!!” Numf exclaimed pleadingly.
“Yeah, Numf, are you okay?” asked Harbi, barely managing to hold herself up.
“Haaaarbi!”
“What is it Numf?”
“How do I get out of this chicken-shit outfit?”
Posted by Harbinger on :
oh VERY clever! The Aliens references just keep on a-coming, and with great style and panache!
More then more and some more after that too please
Harbi x
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
TOO FUNNY!!!! I nearly peed my pants!
Ken, you win post of the month.....
Posted by Numf El on :
quote:Originally posted by Sonnie Bloke: I nearly peed my pants!
What greater praise can there be?
Cheers bruv, xx
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
Well I could have said that I DID pee my pants....
Posted by Harbinger on :
quote:Originally posted by Sonnie Bloke: I DID pee my pants....
no change there then Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
I've been giving my opinions in the "Critic's Corner" thread, but I had to post here.
"How do I get out of this chicken shit outfit?"
I can't get enough! I can only imagine you funny you are in person, Ken!
Posted by Numf El on :
Thanks for the encouragement ladeez and gents - it's always appreciated. ------------------------------
“Hey, Numf,” said Napalm, entering the hen-house with the Spoonerisms and MJH, “why did you not just use the ground floor door that comes through from the building?”
“Bugger,” said Numf, still covered in the white semi-rigid goo. He dripped.
“Hey man – hit the showers. You fucking stink!!” said Hunt, milliseconds before Jo smacked him across the back of the head.
“Less of the swearing, Hunt – Numf’s now on his third written warning,” said Betty. It was amazing the amount of scorn that she managed to get into the word “Hunt”.
Harbi and the others had joined them, using the slightly more conventional way that Napalm had shown them.
“Okay everybody,” announced Harbi, “while we’re all gathered together, and before we start the scary running through caves nonsense, I’ve got an announcement to make.”
Everyone turned to pay attention, apart from MJH who looked all around in an attempt to find a way out. He started to sidle, but was jerked back by the dog collar and chain that had been attached around his throat. “Bad dog!” spat Betty. Hunt whimpered, like a naughty puppy caught next to a steaming puddle in the kitchen lino.
“Right then everyone, I’ve decided that I don’t want to be known as Harbinger any more. I’m changing my name,” said Harbi to the surprise of everybody present.
“Don’t tell me,” said Sonnie, “you want to be known as Loretta, and have your fetus gestate in a box.” This elicited a few giggles from the Monty Python fans in the audience.
“Ha, very good smart-arse,” said the person who used to be known as Harbinger.
“Well, I’m owe you one from that comment you made about me peeing myself,” said Sonnie. “Okay then, ‘fess up. What do you want to be known as?”
“Yeah, come on,” etc. was heard from the breath-holding crowd.
“Phantasmagorea.”
“WHAT?” commented just about everyone at once.
“What kind of gonnorhoea?” asked Numf, who hadn’t finished cleaning his ears out properly.
“It’s a type of spectre or vision…” she-who-used-to-be-Harbi started to explain.
“No it bloody isn’t!” said Vaseline. “It’s a great big black strap-on vibrator – top of the range Anne Summers model, complete with vibrating butterfly attachment. Uses a helluvalot of batteries, and it’s a noisy beggar.”
“And how the hell would you know?” said Napalm. “Oh wait a minute, that wasn’t your alarm clock that you couldn’t turn off for an hour and a half during the middle of the night, back at camp, was it? I thought you were just moaning because of lack of sleep!”
“And so what if it wasn’t? There ain’t no man good enough for me in this crowd of……” Vaseline and Napalm flew off into an argument – toe-to-toe, nose to hairy chest, both giving as good as they got.
Everyone turned to watch the argument, except for Numf, who turned to his friend and asked, totally confused, “So, what were you saying about a Fantastic Orgasm?”
“Bucket,” she said – or maybe Numf just hadn’t made as good a job of cleaning out his ears as he had thought. “Just call me Harbi,” she said, shaking her head exasperatedly.
Numf still looked confused. And he still stank.
“At least until the end of the story,” said Harbi.
Posted by Mrs C B Hill on :
And then what?
Yours,
Mrs C B Hill
Posted by Numf El on :
Numfy stank. He walked tentatively through the hen-house, creaking, cracking, dripping and glopping.
Nobody stood downwind of him.
Various members of the squad ran from window to window, looking out into the wind and rain. The occasional lightning bolt still split the wet night, giving Numf an almost luminous appearance. Water dripped incessantly through the rusty ceiling onto the straw-covered floor of the hen-house. Scrawny hens clucked quietly to themselves in the dark corners of the building, having been rudely awakened by some twat falling noisily through their roof.
“Just out of curiosity,” said her-whose-name-shall-remain-as Harbi-at-least-until-the-end-of-the-story, “what does the J stand for Mike? You know, Michael J Hunt. What does the J stand for?”
“Well,” replied Mikey-boy, who had remained on all fours, looking like a very pissed off dog, “my parents were somewhat religious, so decided to give me a biblical middle name.”
“So what is it? Jesus?” asked Harbi, sniggering.
“Jacob – that’s a cracker!” said Spunkeater. Nobody else got it.
“Hows about Jehosophat?” asked Betty. Followed by hails of derisive laughter, Bruce.
“Joshua?”
“Jerusalem?”
“Jehovah, Jehovah!” “Stop it, you’ll only make it worse!” “Worse? How could it……”
“Okay you lot,” said Harbi rather forcefully, “you can stop with the regurgitating Monty Python sketches and thinking you’ll get a laugh out of it.”
“Damn, there goes my plan for the rest of the thread,” complained Numf, sulkily. He was, in fact, a Numf in a humf. A Humfy-Numfy. If he had been sat on a big, plush sofa at this moment, he would have been a comfy-humfy-Numfy – but that’s a different story.. “ I reckon his middle name’s Judas,” reckoned Numf, in a humfy voice.
Everryone turned slowly to look at Hunt. There was silence apart from the infernal dripping and the soft clucking. Oh, and the noise of the rain battering off the corrugated iron roof. In fact, there wasn’t silence at all. It was actually pretty damned noisy, as anyone who has stood under a corrugated iron roof in a heavy rain can attest to. But nobody spoke for a second.
“Okay, it’s a fair cop, guvnor,” said Hunt, looking somewhat guilty. “Well, you know, if the cap fits……”
“If the cap fits, what exactly?” asked Numfy. “Buy one that isn’t epileptic?”
Posted by Numf El on :
Everyone stood at one of the half-dozen windows, with the exception of Numf who was so smelly that people started gagging if he came within 3 feet of them, even from down-wind.
Numf was standing peeking through the big double barn doors at the far end of the hen-house.
Whichever way they looked, all they could see was blackness, with some very low low level light reflecting off the heavy, heavy rainfall. The rain came down, straight and hard. It was punctuated at irregular intervals by searing whiteness, which felt as if it was arc-welding their eyeballs into the back of their skulls. Sure buggered up their night vision as well.
“Squeak, squeak!” said Rody who had just nipped out the barn door into the rain, to get away from being dripped on.
“I’ll have to take your word for it Rody, because my night vision’s buggered at the moment,” replied Numf. See, I told you. He turned to the rest of the squad. “For everyone who didn’t catch what Rody said, there’s a cave entrance 150 feet in front of us, which‘ll take us to the villagers. He’ll have to guide us once we get there, because apparently it’s easy to get lost.”
“Uno momento por favor!” said Vaseline. “I read somewhere that rats had no real idea of distances - it was either near, far or bloody far to their brains. So can we trust Rodys distance of 150 feet?”
“Well, I can’t see anything but rain and lightning out there, so what options do we have?” asked Numf.
“Well,” said Napalm, “ We could unravel a sock, tie one end round Rody and let him run up there, tie it round a rock and then run back, and we’ll be able to work out how far it is.”
“What if the wool snaps?”“What if the wool starts to absorb the rain?” “Will it stretch?”
“What a pile of crap!” interjected Harbi. “Listen, if Rody says it’s 150 feet, then I say we trust him. Now, how are we going to do this?”
“I reckon,” said Mike……..
“I don’t think anyone gives a big blue damn what you reckon, little doggy!” replied Betty, forcefully jerking on his collar.
“No, go on, let him have his say,” said Harbi, poised heroically, arms crossed under her majestic bosom, all of her weight on her back foot.
“Thank you, oh majestically poised one,” simpered Mike sarcastically. He hurried on before he was jerked about again, standing up to address the squad. “I reckon that we send Numf out first, because he’ll stand out for miles around, covered in that luminous guano. That’ll distract the attention of all the ninja out there, and while he’s getting the shit kicked out of him we can all sneak past.”
“You’re asking for it, you are!” snarled Numf, lunging towards him. He was restrained by Sonnie and Napalm. “Behave yourself, brother. What were you going to do? This?” And so saying Sonnie turned sharply.
Mike fell, as if someone had kicked him very hard in the gonads.
But then, that’s because…..oh, listen, do I really have to point out the obvious, or can you work it out yourselves? You can? Good.
"Sonnie, you can't do that!" remarked Napalm.
"Why not? Something to do with us being heroes, and not abusing those that deserve a damn good kicking? Without first a fair trial by 12 of their peers?" asked Sonnie.
"Helllllll no!" replied Napalm. "It's cos you've already kicked him in the knackers, so doing it a second time loses all comedic effect. And makes it look like you've run out of ideas. Which also, I'm afraid to tell you, means that you're not allowed to do this either...."
So saying, Napalm lifted Mike up off the floor by the two-fingers-up-the-nose method. Stuck pigs have squealed quieter.
"Damn, and I was looking forward to doing that one again. How about if I did this?" asked Sonnie, grabbing both nipples and twisting in opposite directions.
"Can't say I've got anything against that one," replied Napalm, nodding in a suitably impressed way.
"Nah, sorry," said Betty. "We used that move earlier when we were left to look after him."
"Okay, so has anyone given him a Chinese burn like this yet?" asked Sonnie, administering the wicked flesh twisting of his forearm.
"Yelp!"
The squad all shook their heads. "Okay, I'll do that then." Twist. "Yeeeeeelp!"
“No, wait a minute” said Harbi, standing in the classic hand-under-chin, thumb-and-forefinger-either-side-of-mouth, eyes-to-the-ceiling, thoughtful pose, lit light-bulb suspended above her head, “he’s given me an idea.”
Everyone looked at her expectantly, except for Mike who was too busy nursing his balls and other injured areas.
“Right boys, get your wallets out.”
Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
Actually I need a new pair of shoes so getting the wallets out sounds like a brill idea to me, cheers guys!
This is great Numf. Why is it sadistic humour always works? We know it shouldn't and a bleeding hearted liberal like myself should be especially embarrassed but I'm loving your story!
More and more and some more after that too please, if you would be so kind.
Bxx
Posted by Numf El on :
B - glad you're enjoying it. I know what you mean about the sadistic humour. It's probably just funny 'cos it's so out of character for yourself, Sonnie and I. But then, hopefully people who don't know the real us will find it funny too. Any insights to this from anyone else?
You don't think Keith'll take offence, do you? Nah, I didn't think so either.
Big hugs, K'Nxx
Posted by Numfwing on :
“Aw, come off it Harbi,” said Sonnie. “That’s not you wanting money from us all to fuel that shoe fetish of yours, are you?”
“I’ll tell you what,” piped up Numf from the doorway, “if we get out of here I’ll buy you a pair of gymn shoes.”
Harbi glanced at the ceiling, dreamily. Under her breath she said, “ Ahhhh, Jimmy Choos!” The spell broke, she shook her head to clear away the last vestiges of her dream Crisscross shoes. Strappy satin sandals with buckled ankle strap and self-covered stiletto heel. Leather lining and sole. Heel, about 3¾". Made in Italy. Ridiculously uncomfortable, but eminently fashionable and much lusted after.
“You’re on, Numf!” she shouted quietly up to the far end of the hen-house. “But that wasn’t what I was after…..”
Posted by Slobo Bloke on :
quote:Originally posted by Numf El: You don't think Keith'll take offence, do you? Nah, I didn't think so either.
You know me too well Ken....
This is fab, I haven't laughed so much since gran caught her tit in the mangle... (that was a quote from a childish song we used to sing in the minibus on the way back from Regattas in case anyone thought I was being particularly nasty... which reminds me, Numf I still remember the Twelve Days of Xmas song! I sang it to the girls in the office on Friday - won a pint for it too... who says infantile sexual innuendoes don't pay?)
Loving your work Ken....
li'l bro K x
Posted by Numfwing on :
Half an hour later, a dirt blackened Rody the Super Rat sneaked out of the hen-house door, checked all around to make sure that there was no-one watching, and sprinted off to the left, through the rain, a length of black string trailing behind him………
Posted by Numfwing on :
The hen-house door opened slightly, and a flourescent figure moved awkwardly out into the rain, stood there for a second, and then sprinted, straight legged, after Rody.
Even without the lightning, the figure could be seen fairly clearly through the rain filled darkness. Spears and throwing stars passed, missing due to the speed that the figure was moving, and the adverse meteorological conditions.
Harbi was watching from a gap in the doorway. The figure reached about 100 feet out from the building, and a lightning flash painted the sky with whiteness. In this singular flash of light Harbi managed to count 27 black figures chasing after the luminous figure, splashing and sliding in an attempt to capture it.
“Right, lets go!” Harbi muttered, and the squad started out of the hen-house.
They ran, crouched over, straight ahead, praying that the lightning would stay away for the ten seconds or so that it would take for them to reach the safety of the cave entrance. And hoping that there weren’t any more ninja lying in wait.
Harbi went last. To maintain the illusion she had stayed behind to the last second, playing out her end of the string. When she let go of her end the figure was caught by a gust of wind, and lifted easily into the night sky. She watched as a bolt of light from the sky struck the figure, which instantly exploded in a shower of hen shit. A couple of the SGG ninjas had launched themselves at the figure as it had lifted off of the ground, unluckily for them catching it just as the lightning struck. Two frazzled figures struck the ground. The remaining ninjas were now covered in luminous splashes, which could easily be seen in the otherwise black and miserable night.
While they were all still blinded and wondering what the hell was going on Harbi ran, as quietly as she could, through the rain and puddles, to where the rest of the squad waited.
Rody reached the cave at the same second that Harbi did. “You brave little rat!” said Harbi, picking him up affectionately. Rody gave her a kiss on the nose.
“Awwwww” went the squad.
“I’m bloody cold,” complained Numf. “When am I going to get some more clothes?”
“Listen you,” said Harbi, “we’re just lucky that we didn’t have to rely on those seven-year-old condoms that you had in your wallet. The rubber had just about perished, they were that old. Thankfully the rest of the guys and self-empowered girls get their end away more regularly than you do. Otherwise we would never have been able to make our very own Condom Man.”
“Yeah, okay,” agreed Numf. “But you could have at least left me with my underpants!”
Posted by Numfwing on :
“Look at that – not only has he given his life for us, but he’s also highlighted where all the ninja are!” said Napalm quietly, pointing back at the ninja.
“Well, I reckon that he’s done us a service. Condom Man!” said Harbi. “We should get him a posthumous membership of Legionworld. No greater gift hath a man that he should lay down his life for his fellow. We salute you, Condom Man.”
“We salute you!” echoed the squad, in a gladiatorial manner, standing tall and striking their chests with balled fists.
“I reckon he should be put forward for a LW Medal Of Honour!” piped up Ahole.
“You’re loonies!” screeched Hunt in a very high, girly way.
Silence echoed around the cave entrance as the squad turned to stare at him.
“That’s our dear departed comrade that you’re talking about, I’ll have you know!” said Spunkeater, towering menacingly.
“Uh, guys,” said Numfy, staring out into the blackness, “before we start getting heavy with Hunt again I think you ought to know that those splats of bird shit are headed our way….”
[ September 08, 2004, 04:59 AM: Message edited by: Numfwing ]
Posted by Numfwing on :
Numfs 500th post!!!
Yippee!!!!!
Umm, that's it.........
Posted by Numfwing on :
They had thought that it was dark outside. By the time that they had travelled 30 feet into the tunnel they were hard pushed to see their nose in front of their face. What small light had followed them into the cave had vanished.
They travelled as quickly as they could, well aware that they were being followed by the bird splattered ninja.
Rody the Super Rat was in the lead, with the end of Numfs second un-ravelled sock in his mouth. The thread passed along the line, with everyone holding on with one hand, and feeling their way with their other along the cave wall.
Harbi was second in line, followed by Napalm, Spunkeater, Vaseline, Drock, Betty, Hunt, Joe and Ahole.
Numf had drawn the short straw, and took up the tail of the line. He wore only the boots that he’d fought to keep when they were making Condom Man, and he had his Raygun in his left hand. Bits of him were trying to make as small a target of themselves as possible. Thankfully for his ego it was very dark.
Posted by Numfwing on :
They had to keep moving, and moving quickly.
They knew that they were being closely followed, but thankfully Rody was good to his word, and guided them easily down the twisting, turning corridor.
Occasionally Numf would spot a flash of flourescent poo back along the corridor, but never close enough, or for long enough that they had to worry about it.
After about an hour and a half they came to yet another junction in the path. Rody took the path to the left, without as much as a thought. They had managed to create a bit of a gap between themselves and the SGG ninjas thanks to Rodys Super Rat senses and intimate knowledge of the cave system. The ninja had managed to follow them just as easily, however, always managing to pick the right path, no matter how many options there were.
“Hey, Ahole, gimme your hat, quick – and tell everyone to move along the corridor a hundred yards and then stop. And no noise,” said Numfy quietly. Having grabbed ahold of Aholes offered hat, Numf ran back and threw it a few feet down the right fork of the junction.
He then slinked back down the left fork very carefully, only skinning his knuckles off the walls a couple of times.
Numf stopped, far enough along the corridor so that he could see the ninjas as they came to the fork. He crouched down quietly, waiting, looking back along the corridor.
Then, just as the first sign of flourescence could be seen back in the distance, Numf felt a large coat being flung over his head from behind and a hand round his mouth. He started to struggle, but heard Sonnies voice quietly in his ear, “Shut up, you stupid twat or you’ll get us all killed!” Numf ceased struggling immediately.
After an indeterminate number of seconds Sonnie spoke again. “They seem to have taken your bait, but just wait another few seconds. Okay, I’m going to take my coat off your head, but remain quiet.”
They formed up again, and proceeded, quietly at first, but soon Numf felt compelled to ask what the hell had happened.
“The message had come to the front from Ahole to stop, ‘cos you had a cunning plan. So we stopped, and turned around to see what you were up to. And there you were, still flourescent! Still all covered in that chicken shit, which had obviously soaked through your clothes and covered your skin,” explained Sonnie, who had stayed back with his brother. “So, instead of hiding when you crouched down, you were still perfectly visible. And that explains how they had managed to follow us no matter which way we went!”
“But how come no-one noticed this before?” asked Numf.
“Well, I would imagine that it was because you were always at the rear! But lets get a move on – they might realise that they’ve made a mistake.”
Posted by Slobo Bloke on :
Not sure about the double post mannie, even if it does have me saving your bacon
Thank you for more classic LMBP lore Ken, fabbo stuff... and well done on passing your 500 mark.... here's to the next 500 and the 500 after that...
Wee Bro K x
[ September 13, 2004, 04:54 AM: Message edited by: Slobo Bloke ]
Posted by Numfwing on :
Thanks Keith, i hadn't noticed that one - it's deleted now. Big hugs.
On with the story...........
-----------------
They travelled down, further and further into the side of the mountain. They had lost their tail for now, and travelled easier.
“I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with F.A.”
“Yeah, very good Numfs!”
Harbi heard running water, and asked Rody what it was.
She relayed the reply to everyone. “Just ahead there’s a small underground river that goes through the mountain, and comes out at the southern end of the valley in which El Asticpants sits. He says that Numf should get washed, so that we don’t attract any more unwanted attention. Seems fair enough to me.”
“Yeah,” said Napalm, “I think we could all do with a bit of a rest, and maybe even a drink of water for refreshment.”
“Squeak!”
“Rody says, yeah, him too, and the river ahead is cold and fresh, and as pure as the driven snow. Sounds good to me too,” translated Harbi.
They came to the end of the passageway through which they had been travelling. Rody sneaked out into the large cave through which the river ran and looked around, checking for anything unusual, or unwanted. He sniffed the air carefully, not returning until he was satisfied.
“Squeak,” he said quietly to Harbi on his return.
“Okay guys and gals, heads up and pay attention. Rody here says that there’s a strange smell in that cave, but he’s not concerned. It’s not animal, not vegetable, so therefore not a problem. However, the cavern is big, and echoey. So, no noise. Otherwise we’ll be heard miles away along these paths,” relayed Harbi to the troops. “We’ll have ten minutes here, and then we’ll head off – Rody says it’s only another mile or so to our destination.”
Numf headed for the river, following the noise. He badly needed a soak in a luxurious bubble bath, but immersion in the cold spring water was all he was going to get at the moment, so it would have to do. At least he wouldn’t smell so bad. Even he didn’t want to stand next to himself at the moment.
Posted by Numfwing on :
Numf was first in line for the river. The roar of the river echoed loudly throughout the cavern, meaning that Harbis warning about making too much noise was largely redundant, as they would need to shout pretty loud just to be heard.
From having spent most of his life in the North East of Scotland, he knew how uncomfortable it was walking out into freezing water.
He remembered walking out into the River Dee in winter, when he was younger and stupider, the plan being to swim across its 50 yards or so for a bet. By the time that the water had got half way up his thighs he had been short of breath. Finding it hard to breathe. And as the water lapped up the inside of his thigh, lap, lap, lap, instant shrinkage problems made him gasp. He had been unable to catch his breath and continue from that point.
But he’d been thrown in often enough and knew, therefore, that the best bet was just to jump in, steeling yourself for the inevitable. At least he’d be able to breathe.
He took a deep breath, ran up and jumped.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
AHHH Cliffhanger! more, more and more please Kenny
Bxx
Posted by Numfwing on :
Nah - this is where I bugger off elsewhere and start another story, leaving you stewing over what's happening here.
Ooops, sorry, that's your Modus Operandi. Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
Well, get on with it Numf, like I have all week to wait Posted by Numfwing on :
Sez you Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
Sez me indeed!
please continue soon with more, more, more of your fantastic madcap tale.
Posted by Numfwing on :
Happy now?
----------------------------
Thankfully Numf had landed feet first, because the river was only six inches deep. If he’d landed on his arse it would have hurt. Either that or Numf had jumped at the place where the river forded.
But his ankles weren’t at all cold. In fact…
“Hey, Harbi, come on in, the water’s fine!” shouted Numf in an attempt to be heard. He lowered himself onto his haunces and started washing himself, scooping up water and attempting to wash off the caked on bird mess. After he’d got it all out of his hair and off his face, he decided to rinse out his mouth. “Hmm, funny tasting water,” he said to himself, having rinsed and spat. “Warm, and tasting of match heads. Yeuch. Just like English real ales. Not as much rat in it though.” He turned around and heard the troop approaching the river. “Don’t bother drinking the waater, it’s boggin’!” he shouted back.
Unfortunately his warning went unheaded. Because it went unheard. The roar was too loud. There was much coughing and spluttering as the squad tasted the water for themselves. They had expected the crisp, cold, clear water promised by Rody.
“Bloody hell, that’s awful,” was the general consensus of opinion.
Numf stood in the middle of the ford watching the last of the flourescence float down the river away from him. Although it had been highly visible in the dark it hadn’t actually produced enough light to help their journey through the stygian blackness of the cave.
Now, however, Numf could see faint outlines of the cavern layout ahead of him.
He turned around and walked back to where Harbi crouched at the waters edge, rubbing her gums with her fingers to try to get rid of the sulphurous taste in her mouth.
“Hey, Harbi,” said Numf, “what’s going on over there?” Numf pointed behind him, over the river into the depths of the cavern. He continued, “The stalagtites are visible.”
“Stalagtites, do they grow up, or..?” asked Napalm, who had been close enough to hear Numfs comment.
“Oh, come on Napalm, I thought that you would know that ‘tites come down…” said Harbi. Luckily for her there wasn’t enough light for everyone to see her blush as she realised what she’d said to the big stud-muffin.
“Yeah, if you think of a capital ‘T’ for ‘tite you can see that it’s attached to the ceiling and coming down, and a capital’M’ looks like two ‘mites growing up from the floor,” said Sonnie.
“Thanks Sonnie, that’s what I meant to say,” said Harbi.
Posted by Numfwing on :
“Hey, Harbi, when you’ve stopped flirting, what’s going on?” asked Hunt, with a touch of scorn in his voice. He was fed up being treated like the dog he was.
“We’re getting a bit closer to finding out what the hell you’re up to, I reckon,” said Harbi, thoughtfully.
Posted by Numfwing on :
They were back in single file, walking as quietly as possible, down a narrow passage that Rody had led them to at the other side of the cavern.
They had managed to cross the ford in the river without incident, the depth never reaching more than about 8 inches, although the current had been strong. There had been a slight lessening in the blackness as they had crossed the cavern. They would have been able to see shadows if it hadn’t been quite so black.
Rody was feeling edgy, and had taken to riding on Harbis shoulder at the front of the column. “Don’t you worry, little rodent, I’ll look after you,” Harbi promised.
They knew that they would soon be reaching the area where the villagers were being held, and were justifiably nervous of what they would find there. The tension was rising with every step. Sweat was trickling down the back of every neck, and various trouser legs.
To stop him playing silly buggers Hunt had been bound and gagged, and Drock was carrying him over his shoulder like a rolled up carpet at the back of the line.
Numf had been allowed to steal his trousers.
“Hi Hooooooo!” sang Numf quietly, in an attempt to break the tension. It echoed down the passageway.
Hi Hooooooooooooooo
“SSssssshhhhh!” came the reply from half a dozen pairs of fingered lips at once, although the anger had been forced. There were a couple of giggles too.
Posted by Numfwing on :
Don't go asking for more, B, 'cos there ain't any at the moment........
Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
Happy now?
yup, thanks Ken Posted by Sonnie on :
quote:Originally posted by Numfwing: From having spent most of his life in the North East of Scotland, he knew how uncomfortable it was walking out into freezing water.
Uncomfortable? It put hairs on your chest.... and all thattime you spent wrestling polar bears to get your scarf back made a man of you!
I so don't miss the North Sea.... :shiver:
Loving this Ken, anymore coming soon?
Please.......
[ September 23, 2004, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: Sonnie ]
Posted by Numfwing on :
“OI! Stop your grinnin’ and quit that spinnin’!”
Numf had got himself a fit of the giggles. The hours of blackness had finally set his mind to hallucinate, having imagined them all as dwarves following Snow White through diamond encrusted mines, and had gone off on some kind of nigh-religious whirling. Straight down past the line of soldiers, and then back, like a childs top. Giggling away to himself.
Harbis order hadn’t made any impact on his synapses. Napalm banging his head forcefully against the wall had the required effect.
Numfs feet left the ground, came up in line with where his head was, and then gravity worked its evil way with things. Crash! Numf twitched. And twitched again.
Sonnie got straight in Napalms face. “What the hell do you think you’re doing!”
“Fool!” replied Napalm. “You ain’t getting’ me on no plane, Fool!”
“Woah! Hold on guys!” Harbi got in the middle of them and forced them apart. “There’s something definitely wrong here. Numfs gone off totally mental, and Napalm’s turned into B.A. Barracus.”
“That’s where you’re wrong – Fool – I AM B.A. Barracus!” roared Napalm.
“Bloody hell, he’s right you know. I thought I’d recognised him,” said Sonnie. “Yeah, you’d think that haircut and all the jewellery would have been a bit of a give-away.”
“Oh, bugger. That must mean that Spunkeater’s Faceman..” started Numf. “Yep, you got it!” said The Face. “….Drock is Mad-Dog Murdoch...” “Correctimundo!” agreed MDM in his faux Fonzie voice. “ Jo and Betty have got to be the brother and sister team with the grievance - probably find that Kaant did something nasty to their parents, and demolished their pony ranch…” “Well, dog kennels, but you’re close enough,” admitted Jo. “ …..leaving, let me see, Vaseline as Hannibal,” finished Numf. “Absolutely, Numf,” said Hannibal, taking off his mask and pulling out his false tits and discarding them. “God, they’re damnably uncomfortable.” He inserted a cigar in his mouth, lit it, and uttered the famous line, “I love it when a plan comes together…”
Posted by Numfwing on :
“You bunch of daft twats!” Harbi hissed. “Put that damned cigar out and keep your voices down for goodness sake – we’re not far from bandit country!”
Vaseline/Hannibal took the cigar from his mouth, looked at it wistfully and dropped it to the floor where he put it out. “First cigar I’ve had in a week…..” he complained.
“Right, now what the Bloody Hell is going on here?” asked Harbi.
“Well, as Numf surmised,” started Hannibal, “Jo and Betty hired us to get a little payback on Kaant and the SGG ninjas who destroyed their livelyhood. Do you know how difficult it was for them to set up a dog training school up in these mountains? Where the only thing that dogs are any use for is target practise? Well, they persevered, and finally owned the number one dog kennels and training school on the south side of El Veefortoosix.”
“Why? How many were they in competition with?” asked Sonnie.
Ignoring him completely, Hannibal continued.
“Captain Dallas had been on our trail for quite some time, so we decided that the best plan was to hide in full view – by becoming members of his squad. However, we did plant some weapons just around this corner here, knowing that we would be back.”
Harbi could hear Hannibal smile smuggly in the darkness. While Hannibal had been talking, B.A. had gone and recovered the three hold-alls that Hannibal had been talking about. Each was full to the brim with automatic weapons, hand grenades and spare ammunition.
“Just one question,” said Numf. “If you’re the A-Team, then why the hell didn’t you fashion some kind of army vehicle out of the materials in the hen house?”
“Well,” said the Faceman, “there was actually nothing much in the hen house except for planks of wood, chickens, and a big vat of chicken shit. Now, we’ve made an armoured truck with those very materials before. Except for the chickens. Oh, and the chicken shit.”
“What? You made an armoured truck out of just wood?” asked Harbi.
“Yeah,” said Mad-Dog Murdoch. “We have to practise the old stuck-in-a-shed-with-bugger-all-to-help situations, in case we ever get stuck in a shed with bugger all to help. So we once made an armoured truck out of just wood. It had wooden wheels, wooden axels..”
“Yeah?” said Numf.
“Absolutely,” picked up Hannibal. “We had wooden seats, a wooden chassis, wooden steering wheel…”
“Yeah?” said Numf. “Damn right,” continued B.A. “We even made up a wooden engine!”
“Yeah?” said Numf. “And what happened?”
“It wooden go, you daft git!” said Sonnie, beating the A-Team to the punch-line. “Now, can we go kick some ass?”
“As John MacLean would say in Die Hard – Yippee-kie-ay, mother!” said Numfy.
“Mother?” asked everyone else, incredulously.
“Yeah, mother. Or I think he says melon-farmer at one point, or my own personal favourite, Yippee-kie-ay monster trucker!” said Numfy, glaekitly.
“Oh shit,” said Sonnie, slapping his own forehead. “That’s right, mum only let him watch the pre-watershed version!”
“Yeah, right! Monster-trucker!”
Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
the A-Team! Oh you are a loonie Mr Thomson, and by gum we love you for it!
xx
Posted by Numfwing on :
I told you that no-one would see that twist coming.......
Posted by Abin Quank on :
I Saw it coming, Yep, Yep, I did!
I just didn't think it was the A-Team, I was kind of expecting Mission Impossible. Peter Graves, Barbara Bain, and Martin Landau or Leonard Nimoy.
Not to throw any I-deas out or anything Numfster...
[ September 24, 2004, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Numfwing on :
Damn - spoiled my next surprise! Posted by Numfwing on :
“Well, we were going to get the guys who do that Mission Impossible show, but they’re too old these days. Past their prime,” said Betty, by way of conversation.
“Shit. They brought in the A-Team!” said MJH, in a voice creaking with insincerity. He had managed to spit out the gag that had been put over his mouth.
“What’s this you’ve given me?” asked Numf. He had enough trouble distinguishing between his left hand and his right in the dark, let alone different types of weapons. Even with the slightly less darkness than there was before.
“That’s a bazooka,” Joe said. (Does anyone else around here remember Bazooka Joe bubble gum, or was that just a wasted joke? Doesn’t matter – most of them are….Let’s be honest, it’s not much of a joke, more like some not very clever word play….)
“Just before we set off, I’ve got a question that’s bugging me,” said Sonnie. “Mr Barracus, Numf and I used to argue about what B.A. stood for. I always reckoned that it stood for Bad Attitood.”
“Well, that’s what I always told everyone. But it ain’t true,” confessed B.A. “My mama was a big fan of Jaques Cousteau, and called me Breathing Apparatus.”
“See? I told you!” crowed Numf.
They started up again in single file, with some proper fire-power this time. Quietly they tiptoed down the last few hundred yards to the opening into the ninjas base.
To find absolutely nothing of interest.
So they continued on.
After another five minutes Harbi said, “Oh, come on, we should have encountered something by now. Numf, where’s that motion detector of yours, see if you can find us something.”
Numf set to with his motion detector.
He deet…..deet…..deeted away in the background. Suddenly, it got faster. Deetdeetdeetdeetdeet… Everyone started searching the area frantically for ninja.
Numf was stood there, pointing at Hunt. “Sorry, I’ve got it set on the wrong mode!” apologised Numf. Everyone relaxed. And turned back to their constant surveillance.
“Hey, does anyone else think it’s getting kinda hot down here?” asked Harbi.
“Yeah,” said Numf, only half listening, “ but it’s okay, it’s a dry heat. I don’t know what the hell that means, but I just thought I’d say it.”
Sonnie gave him a skelp round the lug.
“Ooow! Oh, thanks Sonnie, that seems to have re-set my motion detector. Deet…..deet…..deet….deet..deet….deet……….deet…deet.deet. Oh shit guys, either my motion detectors faulty or we’re in it deeeep!” Numf sounded worried.
“What’s up, Fool?” asked B.A.
“Either my hands busted or there’s a lot of movement about,” said Numf. He was definitely panicked.
Up ahead, Hannibal had found a villager, slumped against the wall. “Hey, come here everyone – I’ve found someone!”
They all came at a run, to find Hannibal standing over an un-moving form.
“Shit, he sure looks dead to me,” said Face. He bent down to get a closer look.
Suddenly the villagers head jerked up! Face let out a long, wet, noisy jet of gas.
The villagers eyes bulged in his head, and he started convulsing. “Kill me!” he croaked. His convulsions got worse. And worse. Until suddenly….
PPPUUUUKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
“ ’kin’ Tequila!” the villager said softly, and slipped back into his comatose position, leaving the Faceman covered from head to toe in Jose Cuervo flavoured vomit.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Numf, I just love the way you "Wing" it in these wacky stories! (Very Punny, Huh?)
Now for the next big suggestion, MacGyver!
Posted by Numfwing on :
You really are trying to spoil my surprises - I've still got Ahole left for just that reason. At least I did have.......
.........
Posted by Numfwing on :
From out of no-where a ninja throwing star appeared.
Thwap! Straight between the eyes of little-used up until now character Ahole.
He fell like a brick with a throwing star between its eyes.
Blood pissed everywhere from the wound.
"Hey, I didn't really want to say this before, but did anyone ever notice the remarkable resemblance that he had to one-man A-Team Mac Guyver?" asked Numf.
"Well, apparently Abin Quank did," replied Harbi.
"Oh well - he's only a fictional TV character, so he won't really be missed, will he?" Numf said, much to the dismay of the A-Team.
"Say," said B.A., "What kind of name is Abin Quank anyway?"
"I don't know," said Sonnie, "but I think its Cockney Rhyming Slang."
Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
Posted by Abin Quank on :
I won't mention any more of my suspicions about where you're going next with this NumfWinger except to ask if the "Dukes of Hazzard" were ever shown on BBC.
[ September 24, 2004, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Numfwing on :
“Just a minute,” said Faceman, “I’ve got a flare in my pocket.”
“And I thought you were just happy to see me!” said Harbi, not unexpectedly.
Face took the flare from his pocket and struck it. Once the flare lit Face threw it forward to give light over the immediate area.
“Hole. E. Shite,” said Numf.
In front of them was a wall, which rose towards the roof (D’Oh!).
Row upon row of people were hung, attached to the wall, clearly dead. The original plan had been simply for them to be incapacitated, but I can’t risk Abin Quank getting ahold of them and using them for his own nefarious plans…………
“Oh, cripes-a-lawkey! There’s Luke ‘n’ Daisy ‘n’ Beau….” said Numfy.
“Surely you Geste….” said Sonnie.
“ Starsky ‘n’ Hutch!” said Harbi, pointing.
In all their jaw-dropping awe-struck-ness they were unaware of the hissing noise which rose all around and behind them.
“Crockett and Tubbs…” said BA.
“David Hasselhoff…” said Harbi.
“Is that the Nightrider or the Baywatch persona?” asked Hannibal.
“Who cares?” asked Numf.
“Bodie’n’ Doyle…” “Dempsey ‘n’ Makepeace…..” “Those two lassies, you know, one of them was in that Dirty Harry film….”
“There’s hunners of them. I’ll bet Abin can’t come up with anyone who isn’t up there…..” challenged Numf…….
Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
I just hope you plan on bringing David Hasslehoff back now Numf, that was cruel!! He's big in Germany you know Posted by Numfwing on :
So he says anyway - but has anyone ever been there to check out his story?
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Ummm... Numfie, Buddy, That was just a little excessive (No Big Surprise in one of your stories ) killing off all those old TV Personna's in one shot like that! But I bet there's a few you never thought of... (But Retcons are a wonderful thing aren't they. )
So when I suggest that you bring in Quincy, M.E. to help the A-Team solve this heinous crime, you can hang him up there too!
Or maybe Colt Sievers, can stop the movie stunts and put on his bounty hunter cap. I hear he's a great Fall Guy!
Or just possibly, Amos Burke will step out of his Limo and lay down Burke's Law!
[ September 27, 2004, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Numfwing on :
“Movement at 10 o’clock!” screamed Faceman.
Numf wasn’t quick enough with the time gag before BA opened fire. Short bursts, long bursts, medium bursts - until his magazine was empty.
Three people lay, obliterated by armour piercing rounds, their bodies broken, in a pool of their own blood.
“Shit, BA – that there’s Quimcy MD..”
“Don’t you mean Quincy, Harbi?” asked Sonnie.
“Did you ever see his shows? The man was a complete twat! “And that’s that berk from Burke’s Law, and last, but by no means least there’s that Fallen Bloke,” said Harbi.
“All in all not a great loss to the world of light entertainment,” said Numfy. “Hey, wait a minute, there’s someone still alive over here……..”
The Numfster bent down to check, and immediately started mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, complete with chest compressions. Within a small matter of seconds coughing could be heard, as the mouth-to–mouth was successful. Numf, however, continued with both mouth-to-mouth and chest compressions until a sudden , loud SLAP!!! Filled the air.
“OUCH! But, that was sooooo worth it,” said Numf getting to his feet and holding out a hand to help the newly resuscitated woman up off the floor. He rubbed the side of his newly smacked face with his free hand.
Standing in their midst was……………………
Come on then AQ – who is it? If you get it right first time then I’ll send you a nice shiny one pound coin.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Well Numfster, let’s see here….
The obvious choices are, the girls from the Fall Guy…
Heather Thomas (Jody Banks), Markie Post (Terri Michaels), JoAnn Pflug (Samantha “Big” Jack) or Nedra Volz (Pearl Sperling )
Or one of Charlie’s Angels…
Farrah Fawcett (Jill Monroe), Jaclyn Smith (Kelly Garrett), Kate Jackson (Sabrina Duncan), Cheryl Ladd (Kris Monroe), Shelly Hack (Tiffany Wells) or Tanya Roberts (Julie Rogers)
Or some off the wall Spy Chick… Stephanie Powers (April Dancer, the Girl from Uncle), Jennifer Gardiner (Sidney Bristow, Alias), Catherine Bell (Major Sara MacKensie, JAG) or Barbra Feldon (Agent 99).
But knowing your sense of humor! I’m gonna go out on a limb here and pull out the SEXIEST CHARACTER ever to appear in one of these stories!
Trixie, the Extremely Flexible Pixie!
Posted by Numfwing on :
Good call with the Angels. But not correct. They were on the list of possibilities (the originals – never watched the latter day ones).
Emma Peel and Purdey from the Avengers were also options. Mmmmmmm.
Very good call with Trixie – but she’s away searching the universe with daddy, as I recall. However, she may make an appearance later on……. If you’re lucky.
“You daft gits! It’s a trap!” said Officer Stacy Sheridan. “They’ve killed my dad, Vince, and various other people that perhaps only Abin Quank will ever have heard of. But I’ve got no idea where Thomas Jefferson has got to.”
“That Vince always struck me as being a bit of a Zmed-head!” muttered Numf to himself.
“Well, last time I saw him Darkseid had given him £20 to go and buy himself a girdle,” said Harbi.
“Hey, just a second – has anyone noticed that Hunt, Joe and Betty have all vanished?” asked Hannibal.
“So they have…”said Harbi, looking around.
“Hey! People!” said Stacy in her “get peoples attention” voice. “I don’t know if anyone was listening, but I said that you’ve walked in to a trap!”
“Don’t worry, love, I’ll protect you,” said Numf, moving in to protect her just a little too closely. SLAP!! “Ooooh, I love a forceful woman,” said Numf picking himself off the floor again and rubbing his other cheek.
The last light from the flare was quickly dying.
“They come out in the dark,” said Stacy, softly. “Mostly.”
Scurrying could be heard in the darkness all around.
“Umm, Harbi, my motion detector tells me we’ve got trouble…….” said Numf.
“Arse,” muttered Sonnie.
“Time to party, boys and girls,” said Hannibal. “Whatever you do, don’t get split up.”
THUCK! “Aaaaaaargghhhhhh!” Thump.
“Shit – they got Mad-Dog!” cried Faceman. “Hey Face, did you realise that if you add an extra ‘e’ to your name you get Faeceman?” asked Numf. “Sorry, I just had to get that in before you get hideously maimed or killed in the next chapter.”
“Did you know that if you take three of the letters out of your name and replace them with three others you get CU..” screamed Face
“NOW now boys, play nicely,” said Stacy, talking loudly over the end of Faces new word so that Numf didn’t get yet another warning.
Numf smiled, smitten.
Then all hell broke loose.
Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
Who's Stacey Sherridan then? And I thought Darkseid made TJ Hooker buy a girdle
more, more and then some more please Numf
Posted by Abin Quank on :
B., Numfie obviously knows more about "Leggy Blonde Actresses" In old TV Shows than I Do!
Stacy Sherridan (aka Heather Locklear) was NOT on my list, I got her confused with a different "Leggy Blonde Actress" playing a different character.
BUT! Yes Darkseid did send ol' TJ Hooker/Capt James T Kirk off to buy a new girdle... (Go Read the Ongoing Tag-Team thread ya buncha gits...)
You Got Me... (that time) Numfster...
P.S. Sing ANGIE... for Numf while I'm at work, would you please B? (He'll catch my drift!) And if he doesn't then I'll have to even more!
[ September 29, 2004, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Numfwing on :
No idea who Heather Thomas is, but it was Heather LOCKLEAR in TJ Hooker – well spotted B.
Checked it out – Heather Thomas is another leggy, big haired blonde, and it was indeed she in The Fall Guy.
So, wrongly naming all of about 14 guesses most certainly doesn’t make you correct, I’m afraid AQ.
Now, can I get on with the fucking story please?
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Sorry, Numf, See above!
Posted by Numfwing on :
Abin - apology accepted - although not really needed. You kind of stirred me up a bit - but then it's in your blood (see sigs for details).
A tiger can't change his spots, or some such......
You've taken me slightly off course in the thread, but I'm sure I'll make it back - but if you guess any more of my plans I'm well and truly Donald Ducked. Quack! Quack!
Keep taking the pills.
K'N
Posted by Numfwing on :
P.S. – it’s not a greater knowledge of ‘70’s / ‘80’s leggy blondes – it’s just a crush on Heather Locklear.
Posted by Numfwing on :
As the last vestiges of light disappeared, the ninja struck. They rained silently down on the remaining members of the squad, coming from all angles. The honour of killing in face-to-face combat meant that no projectiles were used by the SGG ninja.
The Useless Squad stood in a rough circle, back-to-back to protect themselves as much as possible. The remaining members of the A-Team opened fire with their automatic weapons, spraying the area in staccato stroboscopic bursts of light and noise. Black-coated bodies were shattered by the gunfire. Rody the Super Rat flew into the air, red and blue cape trailing behind him, his red laser vision blazing, taking it upon himself to deal with any ninja operating above ground level. Harbi, Sonnie and Numf swept their ray guns through the advancing masses, severing instantly cauterised limbs, slicing sinew and bone with little effort. Officer Sheridan used her service revolver to pick off anyone who appeared to be getting too close. But after only three clips she was out of ammo.
“…………………..” mouthed Numf to Harbi, questioningly. “…………………..” she mouthed in reply, shrugging her shoulders.
The automatic weapon fire was deafening, and the muzzle flashes blinding. Numf hadn’t felt anything like it since being in the front row at a Motorhead concert when he was younger.
The cordite, searing flesh, blood and evacuated matter stank like nothing Numf had smelled since he had been in the front row at that very same Motorhead concert.
Sonnie got Harbi and Numfs attention, and pointed to the fact that he had cut a swarth through the ninja hoardes, and that they should advance that way – very quickly. Numf tapped Stacy on the shoulder and beckoned her to follow. Harbi and Sonnie did similar with the A-Team. A large number of dead and dying bodies were piled up around them all, making it difficult for the ninja to attack effectively.
A noose appeared from above, looping itself around Face’s neck, hoisting him clear of the floor. His hands instantly came up to grab ahold of the rope, which meant that his gun dropped away, still firing, spraying bullets into the back of Hannibals legs. Hannibal collapsed backwards in agony, gun chattering bullets all around him. Thankfully it was only more SGG that were hit.
Face went limp. He stopped fighting and his arms fell to his sides.
From the pile of bodies, a legless black clothed body fell forwards, katana still in hand, and sliced through Hannibals arching form.
Numf had turned round and was close enough to kick the little bugger in the head, before severing his head from his stumpy little body.
He grabbed the two in-active machine guns, and threw one to Stacy.
There was a moments silence. The ninja realised that they had dealt a nigh mortal blow against their opponents, and geared themselves for the next assault.
BA looked Numf in the eye and said, “Go for it. I’ll hold them back as long as I can.” He threw two grenades for Numf to catch. “Won’t you need these?” asked Numf. “Don’t worry – I’ve got a few more,” came the reply, as he turned back to face the ninja.
Numf didn’t need to be told twice. He turned tail, grabbed Stacy by the arm, and pumped his legs as hard as he ever had in his life.
Behind him he could hear BA’s great voice scream, “ Come and get it you Monster-Truckers!” before the chatter of the machine gun took over again.
Numf and Stacy ran hand-in-hand for their lives, following Sonnie and Harbi. They sprayed bullets at shadows, whether or not they moved. The stroboscopic blasts from the guns, mixed with their own movement meant that they couldn’t trust any shadow. Later, a Shadow spokesman confirmed that a there were a number of casualties of some darned-unfriendly fire.
The gun fire from behind them stopped suddenly, and an explosion rent the air. The burst of red hot air pushed the running forms to the ground, which shook. They picked themselves up and continued running.
Numf turned to look back. “Bloody hell, he must have had quite a few grenades left. Hey, Rody – over here!”
Rody had been blown off course by the explosion, and had smashed off of the ceiling and then crashed to the ground. He stood up and shook his head to clear the double vision that he was experiencing. Two ninja pounced, just as Rody took to the air, escaping their clutches. He headed after the fleeing soldiers.
They ran and ran until the loudest noise was the pulse in their ears, and the deep wheezing of air in their chests, and still the ground shook behind them.
Posted by Numfwing on :
They ran and ran, dodging along corridors, doubling back, taking lefts and rights at random, and then in an obvious pattern, and then back to random again. After what seemed like forever, but was probably only about 10 minutes, they came to a lift (elevator, for those who don’t have English as a first language) at the end of a corridor. Although all around was black, the numbers shone above the doors, going from one to 98. The button was presently on 1, but they had no way of knowing which level they were on.
They pressed the button and waited. 1…2…3…4…5…6…
“Come on, come on!” complained Numf.
They all turned around to look for any indication that they had been followed. There was none, but Numf kicking at the lift doors can’t have helped their cause much.
…57…58….59..
Numf was hopping up and down like a small boy desparately waiting to get in to the lavatory.
….87....88…89…
The high-pitched whirr of the lift mechanism could be heard to drop in tone, signalling the slowing of lift as it neared its destination. Which of course only meant that its descent was slowed.
….90………..91………..92………..93………………….
If he had had any hair left, Numf would have been pulling it out in frustration.
……ninety f…………..…ninety f……………………….ninety six………
Finally the lift arrived.
………ninety seven………………………………….ninety eight…Ping!
“Ah, the machine that goes ping,” quoted Numf, “always was one of my favourites.”
The doors slid open, exposing a very plush, mirrored interior. The kind of lift that you would expect to find in an upmarket hotel on Park Lane.
And, thankfully, no ninja.
Sonnie, Harbi and Rody had been watching the passageway behind them, and now walked backwards into the lift behind Numf and Stacy, ray guns still cocked and ready.
Numf released the Hold Door button, and pressed Floor 1.
Nothing happened.
After what seemed an interminable time, but was probably only about ten seconds, the doors started to slide slowly shut. An audible sigh could be heard from all of the lifts passengers.
Suddenly, just as the doors finished closing, a lassoo came out of no-where, whipped through the remaining aperture and plucked our heroic super rodent from the safety of the lift.
Harbi lunged forward, just in time for the doors to close, and the lift to start its ascent. She banged her fists off the inside of the doors.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she screamed. “ROOODDDYYY! HANG ON IN THERE – WE’LL COME BACK FOR YOU!”
She fell back into the arms of her friends, sobbing. “We’ve got to go back for him,” she said between bouts of tears.
Eventually her sobbing subsided. No-one spoke.
“Hey, Harbi, do me a favour will you?” asked Sonnie after a few minutes.
“Sniff. Sure Sonnie, what is it?”
“Start your screaming and wailing and sobbing again, will you please?” asked Sonnie.
Harbi looked suitably shocked. As did Numf and Stacy.
Sonnie looked apologetically at them and pointed with his thumb at the speakers located in the ceiling of the lift. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand this Brian Eno Music-For-Toilets muzak!”
Posted by Numf-El on :
Wires dangled from the ceiling of the lift where Sonnie had ripped out the speakers.
Numf turned to Stacy and looked her in the eye. “ Can I just say..”
“No,” she said softly, placing her index finger over his lips to silence him.
Conveniently the constant rumbling became a judder, which shook the lift, unbalancing Stacy. She fell into Numfs arms.
He looked down at her. She turned her head up to look at him. Their eyes met. All in soft focus.
“Well, this is what you’ve been waiting for. Kiss me, you great arse!” said Stacy, meaningfully in a totally false English accent.
“Gawd, I love a posh bird who talks dirty,” said Numf, and proceeded to kiss her passionately.
The lift rose. It wasn’t the only thing.
…72….71….70….6
Hands started to roam.
“Numfy and Stacy, up a tree, K..I..S..S..I…N…G.. First comes…”
“Oh leave them alone Sonnie, someone might as well be happy,” said Harbi, from her position on the floor.
Sonnie helped her up on to her feet and gave her a big hug. “Don’t worry, Harbi. Once we get ourselves sorted out we’ll head back down and rescue Rody. I promise.”
Harbi held tightly on to Sonnie for a second, eyes tightly shut, holding back the tears. “Thank you, my very good friend. You are an absolute rock.”
Zzzzziiiiiippppppppp!
She opened her eyes and blinked. “AW, guys – come on – get a fuckin’ room, will ya?”
Posted by Numf-El on :
“Sorry Harbi, got a bit caught up in the moment,” said a very embarrassed Numfster.
“Yeah, sorry Mrs. Harbinger ma’am,” said an equally embarrassed Stacy, re-buttoning her white cotton uniform blouse over her exposed lacy white bra.
Harbi was looking at them as if she were a schoolmistress. Shoulders back, head held high, arms folded under magnificent bust, weight on one leg, and tapping the other foot. She did that great “looking over the rim of her imaginary glasses” look so well. Cheeks tight, as if trying not to laugh. She stopped short of saying “I’ll let you off this time, but don’t let me catch you doing it again.” But only just.
Sonnie was rolling around in the very tight confines of the lift, LHAO.
…8….7…..6………5…………..4….
The lift was slowing as it reached its destination.
But what could they expect to find at their destination?
They all faced the front, armed and ready.
….3……………..2………………….
Posted by Numf-El on :
-------Intermission--------------
Well, boys and girls, I’m going to have to leave it there for a while.
As of Friday I’m off on holiday to beautiful Tenerife for a fortnight. Then I’ve got a week offshore planned in almost straight away. So, it’s gonna be a month or so until I’m able to add to this story line.
Feel free to comment on what has gone before. What you’ve liked, or what you haven’t liked. Feedback is always welcome. (Even from AQ – but don’t tell him.)
Or if there’s anything you’d particularly like me to add then I may be able to accommodate you. Feel free to PM me if you want to keep it a secret from everyone else.
I’d prefer if you didn’t make guesses about what’s coming next, although I’m sure you’ve all got a broad idea of where it’s all headed. But there may be a few twists and turns along the way.
K’Numf
P.S. Don’t worry Cobie, I’m sure Kaant’ll be along to join us soon.
------------End Intermission---------------
Posted by Mrs C B H.I.V.E. on :
Have a good holiday mannie, get a tan (haha) and send a postcard.
And HURRY back!
Posted by Belinda Hill on :
BUMP!!
Right, I know you got back today Numf, so where's the next part then?
In your own time <exasperated toe tapping, crossed arms and stern looks from over glasses>
(but really Ken, hope you had a great time, thanks for the postcard!)
Posted by Numf-El on :
Yep, back, slightly tanned, with not a clue as to what I was planning to write next. I may have something written at work, but sod all available here and now. I might be able to post something on Monday, but I've got a lot of catching up at work / getting ready for offshore visit etc to be done. Hally-freakin'-lujah.
Big hugs to everyone.
K'N
Posted by Numf-El on :
Reprieve - now not going offshore for another fortnight, so I might get a couple of episodes in.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Like this one.....
-----------------
………1………Ping.
They were locked and loaded. And tense as a foursome of coiled ……. very tense things. With guns.
The doors slid open slowly to reveal……..
Absolutely bugger all of note.
Four held breaths were expelled. There was an air of anticlimax.
They were further up the slope from El Asticpants. The landscape below showed the town that had only briefly been glimpsed through the torrential rain earlier. The rain had stopped now. It was vast. It was expensive. It was beautiful. All except Stacy stared through the open lift doors at the sight below them, mesmerised. She had seen it often enough. Although never from this particular viewpoint.
She had lived in El Asticpants for the last 20 years – a haven for old television stars and starlets. It had been built on TV money, and had a certain amount of Hollywood class and glitz about it, but was no-where near as gaudy. There was a church in the middle of the town that the townspeople were very proud of. It had been built in a 20th century Spanish style, but was no-where near as Gaudi.
And she, and all of her old friends and colleagues had been frog-marched out of their homes by ninjas and tied to a wall and left to die. And she had no idea why. It wouldn’t have been so bad if they hadn’t put up with a certain amount of shit over the last few months anyway. What with that big fucking red dragon appearing from nowhere, breaking down peoples walls and eating them indiscriminately. That really had been taking liberties!
“Wow!” said Harbi, impressed. “That looks like a classy place!”
The sun was still in the process of rising, and the dawns rosy light cast long shadows, creating areas of negative light and space, and other arty nonsense. Shards of light reflected from coloured glass, kaleidoscoping colour everywhere, juxtaposing positive energy with ……….
Bollocks - it was pretty, okay.
Numf and Sonnie peeked out around the edge of the lift doors, making sure that there were no ninjas hiding. There were none. Black all-in-one suits aren’t normally favoured for daytime sneakiness.
“Right, follow me,” said Stacy. “ I know where we can go to get all cleaned up.”
[ November 03, 2004, 08:07 AM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Sonnie on :
"Nowhere near as Gaudi?" Fabbo Numf, the puns are taking over the asylum....
more soon?
Posted by Numf-El on :
I'm glad someone got it. Thought it was a bit obscure though....
-----------------------------------------------
As they headed down the side of the mountain towards the town several miles off, Harbi quizzed Stacy on what she knew about what had been going on.
Several prominent locals had gone missing over the previous months – Oscar Goldman, John Bosley, Chachi and Steed the first amongst them. Walls had been broken down, houses and contents generally smashed up. And these had been very expensive houses. There had even been several cases of people coming home from their daily routines to find that their houses had been wrecked in their absense. People woke up to find that their cars had been wrecked outside their houses, often with only charred remains left behind.
There had been unconfirmed reports of a huge red dragon flying off with Chachi in its claws. But then there were also unconfirmed rumours about Joanie Cunningham slicing him up in a lovers tif, and filling her freezer with his juicier bits. And she did bring a lot of pies to the Bring-And-Buy Sale for the Blue Peter Appeal just that week …………
However, there had been no sign of the ninja until just the previous week.
As they were walking down the barren landscape towards the beckoning promise of civilisation, or at the very least warm water, fluffy towels and soft toilet paper, Numf had a throw-away comment to make. “Hey, Sonnie, remember the time that I went to the Canaries on holiday?”
“Yeah, it wasn’t that long ago, was it?”
“Nah. But I took a trip 8000 feet up the biggest mountain in Spain, Mount Teide, and the landscape was just like this.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. The same black streaks down the sideof it from a gaping hole, the same lack of vegetation and almost moonscape appearance, and the same dark grey sponge-like looking hard, sharp bastard rocks.”
“Yeah, that’s very interesting, Numf. Get to the point, will you?”
“Well, you see, the dark grey spongey looking rocks were actually…..”
In this case, one of the dark grey looking rocks was actually a ninja. He was ideally suited for hiding in dark grey rock, since his black suit had been through the tumble drier more often than recommended in the ninja secrets handbook. He had been left crouching in just this spot on the off chance that any escape came this way.
He exploded from his crouch, launching himself at the foursome, silent scream ripping through the air, in a pose straight out of a Bruce Lee movie. Unluckily for him, Harbi had the reflexes of a cat. And had been a secret fan of Patrick Swayze. Ssshhhh! Don’t tell anyone.
No one saw Harbis hand move, but before his feet had touched the ground he was grasping at his throat.
He lost his balance. His feet whipped out from under him and he fell on his back, gasping impotently for air. Blood pissed through his fingers.
“Well, there’s no point in trying to interrogate him, is there?” said Sonnie.
“Why not?” asked Numf.
“Cos, umm, I’ve got this,” said Harbi, holding out a clump of red flesh, blood dripping between her fingers.
Stacy looked impressed. “I’m impressed!” she said.
“You’re in Presto!” said Numf in a totally false, advertising smiley way. The smile was quickly wiped away by the swipe from Sonnie across the back of his head. Sonnie gave Numf a patented Paddington Hard Stare to stop his complaint in its tracks.
Posted by Numf-El on :
A crunching noise was heard; the ninja kicked out once, and then lay still – dead.
Harbi bent close and sniffed. “Bitter almonds,” she said, giving her expert opinion. “He’s committed suicide with a cyanide capsule instead of letting us interrogate him.”
“Nah, I doubt it,” said Numf a tad sulkily, still smarting from the clip around the back of the head.
“Listen,” said Harbi, “I used to watch all the old detective programmes, and spy programmes, and the smell of bitter almonds was always a sign of cyanide. Isn’t that so Officer Sheridan?”
“Absolutely, ma’am,” Stacy replied.
“Like who?” asked Numf.
“Kojak…”
“Dead,” said Stacy.
“Ironside…”
“Dead,” said Stacy.
“Taggart….”
“Dinnae naebuddy moove – therez been a muuuurrrderrrr,” said Sonnie in his best Weegie voice.
“Dead,” said Stacy.
“Perry Mason….”
“Still dead,” said Stacy.
“Okay, I’m going to stop listing all my heroes, ‘cos they’re all stuck on a wall back there,” said Harbi, pointing over her shoulder, tears starting to form in the corner of her eyes.
“Hell no – they all died years ago!” said Stacy. “I was at each and every funeral.”
“And anyway, what they would all have missed is that,” the Numfster said, pointing at a small foil bag sticking out of the ninjas pocket.
Sonnie picked it up and looked at it. He gave a little snigger to himself and read aloud, “Planters New Bitter Almonds!” He sniggered some more.
Numf crossed his arms and looked smug. Stacy sniggered as well, and finally even Harbi burst out laughing.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“So, this is a big bad Sour Grapes Gang Elite Corps ninja, is it?” asked Numf. “He doesn’t look like much with his throat ripped out, does he?”
“A Sour …. what?” asked Stacy.
“It doesn’t matter – I’ll explain later,” said Numf.
“So these are the worst-of-the-worst,” said Sonnie. “Numf’s right, they’re not very impressive.”
“Having said that, there are chuffing-well thousands of them and just four of us,” said Harbi.
“So, lets see this impressive Red Dragon tattoo that we were told about,” Harbi suggested.
“Do you realise,” said Sonnie, “ that we were told about these tattoos away back in May, and it’s now November? A whole six months ago.”
“Well, that’s real time, not story time. It’s only about two or three days , or possibly four, in Storyland, although I’ve kinda lost track. So, what’s your point?” asked Harbi.
“Nothing much – just to point out how blinkin’ long it takes to tell a story, and there’s still no end in sight. I don’t even know if I get to make it through to the end….. And also to point out to whoever’s writing this that there’d better be some kind of point to the whole tattoo business. It’d better not just be a red herring,” said Sonnie. He quickly turned to Numf and put a hand over his opening mouth. “And no jokes about ‘no, it’s a red dragon, not a red herring!’, okay?”
“You spoil all my fun….. Anyway, I thought that the previous ‘different film’ line was enough to justify the inclusion,” argued Numf, not very convincingly. “So, lets give it a look, then.”
“Are you sure we can’t play out the suspense just a bit longer?” asked Harbi, who was down on her haunches, rolling up the black sleeve of the dead ninja.
“Well, I’m sure we could manage just a bit longer…..” said Numf.
Fade to grey……………
Posted by Belinda Hill on :
Yeah you, just how long does it take you to tell a story?
Hope you get the chance to post some more before you head offshore Ken, and if not have fun while you're out there (think of all that custard!).
Obligatory cry of 'more, more, more!'
Posted by Numf-El on :
“Well, that’s a crackin’ tattoo, Grommet,” said Sonnie to no-one in particular.
“What, that ‘1690 – NAE SURRENDIR!” that looks like he wrote it himself with a biro at primary school?” asked Harbi. “And why is it upside down?”
“Well, that’ll be so that he can read it himself,” said the Numfster. “It certainly doesn’t like the type of tattoo that you’d expect from an elite ninja death machine, does it? Let’s try his other arm. ”
Sonnie rolled up his other sleeve, exposing a rather impressive tattoo of a red dragon. “Hey, not bad!” said Numf, looking rather impressed.
“If you go for Bazooka Joe chic then I suppose it’s okay,” said Stacy.
“How do you mean?” asked Numf, turning to look at her quizzically.
“Well, you see, my little brother used to have one of them, when he was about 8 years old,” Stacy told them.
“Wow, your brother an elite SGG ninja at 8 years old – now THAT’s impre……” Numf wasn’t allowed to finish his sentence. He picked his face out of the dust and rubbed the back of his head, though hurt more by the somehow unexpeccted nature of the slap from his brother. “Whaaaaaaaaaat????” he asked in the manner of a petulant teenager who hasn’t yet discovered the untold joys of worshipping at the alter of the great god Onan to calm his raging hormones.
Not succeeding particularly well in her attempts to not giggle, Stacy explained what she had meant.
Posted by Numf-El on :
"So Stacy. Fancies a shag?"
Posted by Harbinger on :
Pardon?
Are you just asking that to see if anyone is reading this or have I missed a post somewhere?
Me no understandee Posted by Numf-El on :
Just thought that was an opportune time to throw that one in. For a larf I s'pose. Seemed like a good idea at the time.........
You know what like - I generally don't have the whole thing written out, so the plan changes from day to day...........
[ November 26, 2004, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Numf-El on :
“No thanks Numf, I don’t smoke a pipe, I don’t need another rug, and I don’t like cormarant-esque sea birds because they smell bad,” replied Stacy, without a hint of irony. She did wonder, though.
If Numfy had had a crest it would have fallen. As it happened, something else did fall, or at least wilt a bit. He had been gearing himself up to ask the question, and hadn’t really been paying that much attention to what else had been going on, although his mouth had been on auto-pilot. It looked like he’d made a fool of himself again ……….
He turned away, red of face and started walking down the mountain, away from the others, head down, shoulders slumped, hands in pockets and kicking small stones as he went.
Harbi looked at Stacy quizzically. Stacy looked at Harbi quizzically. “Have I done something wrong?” she asked in a psychic woman-to-woman mystical way that us blokes’d never understand.
Harbi answered in the affirmative.
“What?” asked Stacy by the merest opening of her eyes and shift of her eyebrows, the subtleties of which would escape a mere male, but the pain of which was easily read by Harbi.
Sonnie was looking back and forth between them, not having the faintest idea what was transpiring. He always seemed to turn just as the person he was looking at had passed their signal. Numfy was his brother, so he was allowed to be a bitch to him, but who the hell did this blonde bimbo think she was treating his brother like a plaything? Tongue sandwich and a quick grope in the lift one second, and cutting down his, admittedly not very subtle and possibly badly timed, advances the next. Sonnie gave up trying to understand, shook his head and went to give some solace to his kin.
“Oi, Humfy, wait up!” he shouted as he started down the hill, leaving the two girls behind.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“So, what were you saying about your trip up the mountain on your holidays,” said Sonnie in an attempt to distract Numf from his humf.
“What I was saying was that they had the same rough-as-a-badgers-arse stones, the kind that would cut you to ribbons if you just happened to trip up,” replied Numf.
“And?” asked Sonnie.
“Well, you see, the point is that it wasn’t a mountain.”
“Not…. A….. Mountain. Nope, sorry. I don’t get you,” said Sonnie.
“It’s a great big bloody volcano,” said Numf. “The one in Tenerife isn’t particularly active, although you can occasionally see little plumes of smoke in the distance that look like they could be clouds. In fact, come to think of it, they could have been clouds……”
“But,” said Sonnie, “if it were slightly more active then you would possibly get warm water, sulphurry taste, a slight glow and probably some vibration through the ground……”
“You know something, Sonnie? It might be a good idea if we knew what the hell was going on here,” stated Numf. He didn’t realise it, but that statement went straight into the list of “Numfs Top Ten Most Bleedin’ Obvious Statements” at about three.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“So,” asked Stacy, further back up the hill, “what did I say wrong? Is Numf some kind of bird-fancier, that he objects to me not liking the smell of seabirds?”
“Believe me,” said Harbi, “your love, or otherwise, of seabirds is entirely inconsequential to Numfs happiness at this moment in time. All he’s currently interested in is whether of not you’re going to gie him his hole.”
“I’m sorry, and I mean this with the greatest respect, but I haven’t got the foggiest idea what you strange people are talking about. Can you please at least attempt to speak English? Most of the words make some kind of sense on their own, but when you put them all together ……… well sometimes they just spin around my brain incomprehensibly. Especially when you talk to each other,” said Stacy, looking very confused.
Harbi made an obscene gesture with the thumb and forefinger of her left hand, together with a sliding motion of the forefinger of her right hand. “You know,” she reiterated, talking slowly, raising her eyebrows.
Stacy blushed, and nodded her head. “Oh, that explains things,” she said, very quietly. “And I suppose that shag has nothing to do with sea birds ….. yeah, I get it now.”
“Look Stacy, I like you, so I’ll explain things. If he happens to say “Ony chunsamaholethenight?” you’ll know that he’s actually being deeply romantic,” Harbi tried to explain, patiently.
“Really?” Stacy asked, almost as confused as she was before.
“Well, no, but he’s an ignorant pathetic male pillock, and the best way to make him behave is to laugh at him. Or else a clip around the ear,” Harbi explained. “The ‘get what you want by be-littling the opposition’ method. Although you both want the same end result – apart from the roll over, fart, and fall asleep at the end - he wants to make as little effort as possible, but you feel that you’re worth a great deal more. And so you should. You want to feel appreciated. The problem is that he doesn’t have a clue how to treat women properly, so he treats them as if they were mates down the pub. He thinks that ‘nice rack, love’ is showing the required amount of appreciation.”
“But, at the end of the day don’t we want to be friends?” asked Stacy.
“Of course, my dear. That’s fine if you’re looking for a meaningful one night stand. But if you let him treat you like a mate down the pub when he’s trying to coax you into bed, then you’re going to have a hard time getting him to act romantically later on. ‘Two pints of lager. Oh, and hows about a knee-trembler at half-time in the footie’ might be fine every now and again. But if you then turn around and say you want to be treated like a real woman, well he just won’t know what you mean, will he?”
“Hell no, he’ll think that I want to iron his shirts and do the hoovering,” laughed Stacy.
“Exactly. You get my point. Teach him from the start. And, although it wasn’t deliberate, that was a good start,” said Harbi, reminding Stacy about what had happened a few minutes earlier.
“Aww, but he’s such a gentle soul. I obviously hurt his feelings when I turned down his advances….”
“Don’t be bloody silly. He was just hoping that those big soft green eyes, trembling lip and cute arse would have you running after him, begging forgiveness,” Harbi turned to watch the two brothers further down the track. “And what a fine arse it is.”
“oh yes” said Stacy thoughtfully.
“And don’t even think about a threesome with Sonnie,” said Harbi, noticing a certain look flickering across Stacys eyes.
“Oh. Why not? Have you got designs on him yourself?” asked Stacy warily, just in case this spoiled the fledgling friendship that was obviously growing between the two girls.
“No, but I think some of the blokes back at Legion HQ do.”
Posted by Harbinger on :
"Ony chunsamaholethenight?"
Class Ken, pure class!
The Aberdonian Doric slang has a certain resonance and quality that is so easily forgotten - oh gawd now it's all coming back! You're a cruel man!
Utterly brilliant story though so you are forgiven
And of course, we want more, more, more!
Posted by Numf-El on :
Sonnie turned around and looked back up at the girls. “Have you been checking out our arses, you pair of pervs?”
“Who, us?” came the not very convincing feigned innocence reply in stereo.
“Harbi – Numf reckons that this is a volcano that we’re on, not a mountain,” said Sonnie.
“Of course it is,” said Stacy. “I thought everyone knew that. That’s why it’s such prime real estate - the soil is very rich. Great agricultural land. Worth a fortune.”
“Harbi,” said Numf-El, “ I haven’t got the first idea what’s going on here.”
“Ah, so the status quo is retained,” said Harbi. “And you two can stop with the Parfitt / Rossi impersonations. “We need to find somewhere that we can assess the situation. Any ideas, Stacy?”
“Hell yeah – there’s a five star hotel in the middle of town. The El Asticpants Hilton. I’ve always wanted to crash there. And I hear that they have the most sumptuous baths in there……” You could tell by the glazing of both Stacys and Harbis eyes that there was unlikely to be any suitable alternatives offered after that statement.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“I don’t wanna go there,” said Numfy. “I don’t think it’ll be classy enough for you ladies.”
“Bless!” said Harbi, giving Numfy a patronising pat on the head. “But what makes you say that?”
“Wellllllll, a few years back I was taking a girlfriend across to France, so I thought that I’d try to impress her by getting us some swanky accommodation. I’d just got my first computer, so I wanted to use it to book a hotel. So I put the name in to Google, but all I could get was sites of some stupid scrawny lookin’ blonde bimbo in various stages of undress. Not a very classy hotel, that Paris Hilton, let me tell you. If they let tramps like that in then it’s not the sort of place you want to take a beautiful lady friend, and DEFINITELY not good enough for you two.”
Posted by Numf-El on :
Stacy grabbed Numfs face in both hands, stood on her toes and gave him a great smacking wet kiss on the lips. Caught by surprise it took a couple of seconds before Numf kissed back. He pulled the rest of her up close too. A large number of red hearts appeared out of nowhere above their heads and floated off into the sky, where they burst like bubbles.
A few steps away Harbi and Sonnie looked on. Sonnie clasped both hands together and held them to his chest. He cocked his head at a jaunty angle and said, “It’th tho thweet!” in a big girly voice. He received a chug to the shoulder from Harbi, who had just been feeling affy pleased for her friend, if not a tad jealous of the burgeoning relationship. All that heat, all that passion……. Sonnie laughed.
Stacey pulled away from the kiss eventually and looked Numf right in the eye. “You are such a sweetheart. You are sooooo gonna get yours,” she said in a sexy loud stage whisper.
She felt something long, hard, warm and throbbing nestle itself against her midriff.
“Easy Tiger! Is that a gun in your pocket or are you …. just …….. ……….shit, it’s a gun, isn’t it.” Stacey stared in disappointed disbelief as Numf displayed the ray gun that he’d put in his pocket after the battle in the cave.
Sonnie developed a nervous barking hiccup cough laugh that had the side effect of making it difficult for him to stand.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Numf, I just want to tell you one thing and one thing only...
Oh and the story is great too...
But where the sprocking hell did Rody get to?
And just when is Kaant going to show up?
Posted by Numf-El on :
Glad you're enjoying it AQ - always good to hear from you.
Worry ye not - Rody and Kaant have not been forgotten about.
I've just got to .....ahem, take care of some pressing, um, business with a certain Ms Sherridan.....
Posted by Abin Quank on :
When did you write Nicolette into this? Did I miss a Page?
Nah, don't do it Numf...
Posted by Numf-El on :
That's what I get for not confirming my spelling - set myself up for a nice threesome there.....
Nah, I'll leave that for another time, possibly.
xx
Posted by Numf-El on :
An hour later they sauntered into town. Numf, grin like the Cheshire Cat, had Stacy on his arm.
“Hey, that’s a good balancing act Numf,” said Sonny, applauding.
Harbinger, however, found herself reverting to “mother mode”. “You get down off of there, right now. Look, you’ve marked his sleeve with those heels of yours. Do you realise how difficult it is to get out stains like th…..” She ground to a halt, realising that she was making a fool of herself.
“Do continue, Harbi,” said Numf, as Stacy climbed down. “I was wondering how you were going to get ‘you’ll have someones eye out doing that’ into your telling off. I’ve lost track of the number of times that your mum said that to us both when we were kids.”
Harbi looked suitably embarrassed. Turning into her mother. Oh no! The Gods forbid!
Posted by Numf-El on :
El Asticpants was deserted as our quadrilogy walked through the sun blasted streets.
The beauty of the buildings was still evident, although up close it was plain that they had recently had their care removed. The lush grass lawns were starting to turn yellow, and look decidedly unkempt. No one had cleaned up the more recent dog shit, and the bands of scabby dogs didn’t appear to be too put out by the appearance of the band. In fact, they appeared rather interested in a possible new food stuff…… Sonnies laser put a quick stop to that interest. And provided at least some of the dogs with a free meal.
Stacy led them to the tallest building in town.
The El Asticpants Hilton was, contrary to Numfs pre-conceived ideas, well up to scratch.
So much so that Numf even felt an insane desire to clean the mud off his boots before using the doormat inside the rotating door.
Posted by Numf-El on :
They stood in the lush foyer which, like the rest of the town, was deserted. Having the rotating doors as the only source of natural light meant that there was a certain amount of gloom lurking in the corners. Numf went over to turn on one of the lamps at the reception desk, and was shouted down by the other three for his recklessness.
“You stupid git! Do you want to attract those bastards in black?” asked Sonnie.
“Absolutely. Good idea, we’ll get the police to give us a hand,” replied Numf, and then dodged the hard objects which were thrown at him.
“No, but seriously, I’ve got an idea!” said Numf, cringing in case more sore things were thrown at him.
“Really?” asked Harbi. “Because so have I, and they all have to do with soaking in a nice hot tub.”
“And….”, said Stacy, waiting for Harbis attention before she continued, “ there’s a chocolate vending machine over there…” she said, pointing, “full to the gunwhals with Flakes, Aeros….” She stopped as Harbi borrowed Numfs laser and neatly cut the top off the vending machine. “Good,” Stacy stated, “because I left all of my change at home this morning.”
Sonnie and Numf were dispatched to the front desk to pick up the keys to the Penthouse, Playboy, Men Only and Big Jugs Monthly suites.
Minutes later they were all in the rather luxurious lift, the girls both with armfulls of chocolate confection.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“Right, Numf, which one do you want?” asked Sonnie.
“I think I’ll go for the Penthouse suite. Why?” he asked.
“Because I need to do a bit of re-modelling to this mysoginistic floor,” Sonnie replied, taking his trusty marker pen from one of the leg pockets of his combat trousers.
Soon, in addition to the Penthouse suite there was also the Playgirl, Women Only and the Big Black Cocks Monthly. “That’s mine,” said Sonnie.
“I didn’t know you had a thing about chickens,” giggled Numf. The girls and Sonnie joined in.
“Speaking of chickens, you still need a damned good bath yourself,” said Harbi, wafting implied odours away from in front of her nose.
“I’m on the case,Ma’am,” said Numf, saluting.
“Oh no you’re not,” said Sonnie, “we still need to set up some kind of defensive perimeter.”
“Well, you jam the Door Open button up here on the top floor, and we’ll barricade the top of the stairs,” said Numf.
“One last thing – no lights. I know it’s not dark yet, but it will be in a few hours, and we don’t want to attract attention,” instructed Harbi
Posted by Numf-El on :
Numf entered the biggest single room he had ever been in. The gold cornicing and recency striped wallpaper gave an air of splendour to the whole affair.
“Wow. Plush,” was about the extent of his vocalisation. He headed straight for the mini-bar. “Damn, forgot to pick up the key. I know, I’ll just….” Reaching for his laser he realised that Harbi had borrowed it. Never mind.
He headed for the bathroom.
His jaw dropped when he opened the door. It was the second largest room he had ever been in. He had never even seen a real marble kitchen top, let alone a whole bathroom - floor, walls, wash hand basin, toilet, place for washing your boots and a twelve foot long plunge bath built into the centre of it. The heated towel rail, which took up half of one wall was replete with fluffy white brilliant towels. The whole of the other wall gave an absolutely magnificent view up the side of the volcano.
The hard marble acoustics needed investigating. The echo echo echo echo took several seconds to return. He counted carefully in his head, and nodded slowly, satisfied. Since primary four music class in school he had always imagined being the first in the world to do a one man canon all the way through the Twelve Days Of Christmas. He didn’t know this particular version at the time though.
“#On the first day of Chrstmas my true love sent to me” ............................“#On the first day of Christmas”
“The Lord Montague of Beauly.” “my true love sent to me, the Lord Montague of Beauly.”
Ah, worked magnificently. And what place better to sing it that in a twelve foot plunge bath?
He walked over to the taps and opened them, venting steaming hot water into the bath. Clouds of steam billowed around the room, creating an artificial fog, and condensing on every hard surface.
Numf stripped off and immersed himself, revelling in the luxuriance of the whole experience.
He cleared his throat.
“#On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me” ...........................“#On the twelfth day of Christmas
“Twelve twitching twa……..” “my true love sent to me twelve twitching twa …..”
“Yeah, what is it?” he shouted. For some strange reason all the echo seemed to have disappeared, almost as if someone had got fed up writing everything twice.
“Hey, Numf, it’s Sonnie,” he shouted in through the bathroom door. “I was just checking with you. You said that you had come up with a good idea. In all the excitement I just plain forgot to ask you what it was. Something to do with the cops, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, I suppose I’d better go and do something about that. I’ll tell you after I’ve sussed things out properly.”
“Okay. Listen, I’m away for a bath – I’ll catch you later.”
“Yeah – ‘slaters min,” Numf shouted to the retreating sound of Sonnies footsteps. “Bugger. I suppose that means that I’ll have to finish my singing another time.”
Posted by Harbinger on :
Yummy scrummy, fills my tummy
More, more, more!
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
This is a great start to anyone's day, Numf - a guaranteed laugh in every section! And gods know we can use a few more laughs these days.
I want a vacation at the El Asticpants! And red hearts in the sky! And a laser to shoot the top off vending machines! The complete lyrics to your 12 Days of Xmas!
And the return of the admirable Rody, of course....
Posted by Numf-El on :
Thanks FC. Glad you're enjoying it.
Rody will be returning - he's not forgotten, don't worry.
The complete lyrics to the 12 Days of Xmas may never be revealed in this thread unfortunately, due to the adult themes, but I'll try to drop a few hints to one or two of them if I can.
Anyway, the next few chapters are coming up just about right away...............
Posted by Numf-El on :
Five minutes later, still slightly damp, Numf knocked on Stacys door. There was no reply, although upon listening closely through the keyhole Numf could hear some quiet singing. He opened the door tentatively.
“Stacy?” he enquired. “Yeah, is that you Numf?” came an echoey voice from the bathroom. “I wondered how long it would take you to find your way here.”
“Listen, I need a favour from you…..”
-------------------------------------------
“Come in control – this is 4-Adam-16,” said Numf into Stacys walkie-talkie.
“Sir, this is the Los Angeles County Police Department,” said the bored, nasal Police controller. “We have been informed that 4-Adam-16 no longer exists, so we would appreciate if you don’t play with their equipment.”
“Well, from what I’ve been told, you’re half right. Jim Corrigan is dead, but I can confirm that Officer Sheridan is most definitely still alive,” said Numf, a twinkle in his eye that the controller couldn’t see.
“Sir, are you trying to hold Officer Sheridan for ransom?” came the slightly-less-bored-and-possibly-seeing-a-bit-of-excitement-in-an-otherwise-boring-as-hell-day voice.
“No, not at all – she’s just in the bath at the moment,” said Numf, quivering slightly at the thought of being a bar of soap……. He could hear the happy sound of singing coming from the bathroom behind him.
“I’m sorry sir, did I hear you growl?” asked the still-slightly-interested controller.
“Who me? No, not at all,” Numf replied, clearing his throat noisily.
“Sir… Sir, what exactly is the nature of your call?” Numf could tell by the tone of voice that the controller had gone back to being seriously bored and had retreated back into her knitting.
“I was wondering if you could put me through to 4-Adam-30, please,” asked Numf, all sugar coated.
“But no-one has used that particular call sign for nigh on 20 years!” said the controller in a how-much-more-of-this-shit-do-you-expect-me-to-take voice.
“Well, if you can just give it a try for me, it would be much appreciated. And if he’s not answering, you can tell him that there’s a Big Bad Mama waiting to chew his ass - or do something to his ass anyway,” said Numf, showing that he knows what AQ was talking about earlier. “And connect him back through to here when you’ve reached him. Roger and out,” said Numf, dropping the walkie-talkie on the bed.
“Oh loooover boy! I could do with some help to wash my back!” came wafting on the steamy air escaping from the bathroom……..
Numf lay face down on the King sized bed, chin resting on the backs of his hands. Nekkid as a jay bird.
“I’m sorry for laughing,” said Stacy, wrapped up in a white terry toweling dressing gown, “but I’m used to the T-Bone, you know?” She measured out a distance with her hands that would have had you looking dubiously at fishermen. This motion had the added bonus of taking Stacys hands off the knot holding her gown together. “And when I told you to give me 12 inches and hurt me, I expected a bit more than three thrusts, a grunt and a chinese burn,” she laughed out loud again, not for a second minding Numfs battered ego. “And when a lady does her best Mae West impersonation you don’t immediately go “It’s a gun, look!” and whip out a toy ray gun.” She giggled pleasantly to herself at the memory.
“Well,” said Numf, complete with petted lip, “at least I make you laugh.”
“True – and if there’s one thing that gets me into bed almost as fast as a huge …….. personality,” corrected Stacy just in time as she remembered that she should at least try to keep this a family thread, “is someone with the ability to make me laugh.”
She picked up a large, soft pillow and hit Numf across the back of his head. Numf turned in alarm, hands up to protect himself. However, when he saw the big doe eyes, the loosening knot around the midriff and the naughty girl smile he grabbed the second pillow and counter-attacked, a look of utter childlike glee on his face.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Soft downie feathers lay all around, the remains of several very fine pillows. The springs had been well and truly tested on the mega-deluxe-kingsize bed. And had met every expectation.
Numf and Stacy lay side by side holding hands, deeply satisfied grins spread from ear to ear on both faces.
“I can’t remember the last time that I felt this good,” said Numf.
“I can’t remember the last time that I used my bed as a trampoline!” said Stacy. “Lets do it again!”
“Yeah, allright!!!!”
Posted by Numf-El on :
Wheeeeee!!!!!
Boing
Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
Boing
Giggle giggle
Boing
Boing
Boing
Giggle snort fart giggle Good shot Stacy!
Boing
Sonnie stood outside the door listening to the noises. He wished that he didn’t have to interrupt, but he had no choice. He sighed and shook his head.
“Heads up and pants on, you two, we’ve got company!”
Within a minute they had all met up in the corridor. Sonnie had managed to get scrubbed up, and was looking ‘fairly’ military in his combat trousers and clumpy boots. The pink mohair jumper with a theres-something-not-right-here blue “male” insignia (made up of two adjacent circles with an arrow coming out of the intersection of the circles, pointing straight up) took away from the military aspect though. Stacy and Numf were in a state of disarray, both half dressed, pulling clothes into place and adjusting items as they hopped along. They managed to get knickers mixed up, but neither complained. Harbi had managed to bathe luxuriously, wash, dry and press her magnificent lycra super-heroine costume, wash and brush her luxurious hair (although she hadn’t had time to dry it, so it was pulled back in a pony tail), apply all the suitable make-up and generally make herself look fabulous again after a couple of days serious buggering about.
“So, Sonnie, what seems to be the problem?” asked Harbi.
“Well, if you look out the window you’ll see that, not only has there been some kind of minor release of steam from the volcano, which seems to be turning into a kind of fog, but there’s also about a gazillion black clothed ninja heading this way.”
They all took a few seconds to glimpse out of the window. Truly they were quickly surrounded by a great hoarde, equal in numbers to all the sand in a very small egg timer. And yeah verily there was indeed a mist-like appearance to the mountain. “I wonder how they knew we were here,” said Harbi, looking around at the other three. “After all, I did tell you not to turn on any lights to attract them.”
“Ummmm,” said Numf apologetically, head bowed, hands behind the back, swinging slightly from side to side. “You know when you’re a kid, and the bus window mists up and you draw a smiley face or something rude…..”
“Yeeeessss?” agreed / asked the others.
“Weeeellllllll, when I got out of the bath there was this great big huge window just covered with condensation,” Numf confessed.
“Yes?”
“So I drew a willy.”
There were three explosive / giggly / snorts of people unable to stop themselves laughing, but knowing that they shouldn’t. A twenty foot willy on the side of the tallest building in town may possibly have been what had attracted the enemy.
“I know what we need,” said Numf, in an attempt to distract them all. “A musical interlude.”
Posted by Numf-El on :
“So, Stacy, what made you decide to join the police?” asked Numf of Stacy, by way of trying to avoid the impending danger, and maybe lead them into a song.
One quick change of clothes and scenery later they were walking through an olde fashioned amusement park. Numf had on a black quiff wig, brothel creepers and a Ride-em High cardigan. Stacy on the other hand had dressed in head-to-toe shiny black leather, complete with left handed cigarette. Sonnie also sported a wig of some description, and was similarly clothed to Numf, but didn’t look quite as geekish. Harbi wore a short pleated skirt, bobby socks and a pink leather jacket.
People ran around them, having fum, being exuberant and generally deserving of a good kicking.
They walked four abreast, jauntily, skipping occasionally. Stacy passed the cigarette along the line.
A steam calliope, sounding like an early 1970s hammond organ, ground out a relentless beat, just waiting for someone to pick up on it.
“# Walkin’ in the park just the other day, baby,” said Stacy to Numf, remembering the time as if it was just, well, the other day.
”# What do you….” Numf started to ask before Stacy had finished her sentence.
“#.. what do you think I saw?” continued Stacy. “# Crowds of people sittin’ on the grass with flowers in their hair. Said, ‘Hey.’”
“Boy,” interjected Harbi sarcastically, chewing gum and blowing bubbles. She didn’t have her trumpet with her, and anyone who’s heard her sing will know why she didn’t really wish to join in.
“# Do you wanna score?” said Numf making another highly inappropriate attempt to get laid again. “ #You know how it is….” Everyone ignored him.
“# I really don’t know what time it is, woh, oh,” said Sonnie, checking his watch, and being astonished at exactly what time it is.
“# So I asked them if I could stay awhile,” continued Stacy.
“# I didn’t notice but it has got very dark” said Sonnie, and he was really, really out of his mi-i-i-i-nd.
“# Just then a policeman stepped up to me and asked us, said, ’Please, hey, would we care to all get in line, get in line.’ ” said Stacy.
“# Well you know…..” said Sonnie with some urgency in his voice.
“# They asked us to stay for tea and have some fun,” said Stacy. “# Oh, oh, he said that his friends would all drop by.”
“Ooh,” said Harbi dripping some more sacrcasm, but in a very super-heroinic way. She decided to join in the fun after all. What the heck! She shook her hair out of its pony tail, and her majestic mane looked remarkably like that of a certain Rock Star (clue: surname Plant). She gave it some seroius air guitar welly. “# Why don’t you take a good look at yourself and describe what you see, And baby, baby, baby, do you like it?”
“# There you sit, sitting spare like a book on a shelf rustin’” said Numf, with no clue whatsoever why, nor what the words meant in any context, let alone this one. But that was nothing new to him. “# Ah, not trying to fight it.”
“# You really don’t care if they’re coming, oh, oh,” said Sonnie, trying to get their thoughts back to the problems at hand.
“# I know that it’s all a state of mind, ooh” replied Numf.
Stacy went back to her explanation. “# If you go down in the streets today, baby, you better, You better open your eyes.”
“# Folk down there really don’t care,” agreed Numf.
“#…..really don’t care, Don’t care, really don’t Which, which way the pressure lies, So I’ve decided what I’m gonna do now,” explained Stacy, opening up for the grand finale.
Numf, Sonnie and Harbi all joined in together for the final lines. “# So we’re packing our bags for the misty mountains Where the spirits go now, Over the hills where the spirits fly-y-y-y-.”
The final harmonies could really have done with a bit of practise. Scratch that. A LOT of practise.
“#Ooh, I really don’t know,” said / sang Numf under his breath.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“And just what the bloody hell was that?” asked Harbi.
“What?” asked Numf.
“You know - that bastard son of Grease and Led Zeppelin,” said Stacy.
“Oh, that. I thought that was all just in my head,” said Numf.
“Group hallucinations at a time like this. Soooooo not what we need,” said Sonnie.
The strange clothes had reverted back to their normal strange clothes. The amusement park had changed back to the hotel corridor.
“I’ll tell you what, boys and girls,” said Harbi. “Lets not have another one of those, okay?”
Three heads nodded agreement.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“……come in 4-Adam-16……this is the Los Angeles County Police Department……”
“4-Adam-16 here, control. What can I do for you?” asked Numf, answering the walkie-talkie that he had taken with him from Stacys room.
“I have a message for you from 4-Adam-30,” came the bored nasal voice.
“Go ahead, control.”
“He says that at dusk you’re to look to the west.”
“Is that it? What exactly did he say?” asked Numf.
“His exact words were ‘Tell them that ……. at dusk they are …….to ….. look …… to the………west.’”
“What the heck does that mean?” asked Numf.
“I’m sorry, they pay me to pass on messages, not decipher them.”
“Roger that. Thanks a bunch, over and out. Okay then, so what time is it now?” asked Numf looking around everyone.
“That’s why I was getting a bit worried earlier,” said Sonnie. “It’s about a minute and a half to sundown. Darkness. Black. You know, a ninjas traditional hunting time.”
Gulp.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Fat Bill had managed to escape the clutches of the evil, and seriously horny, Spock and daughter. Spock had a habit of running amok once every couple of years when his hormones took over. It had been decidedly easy, much easier that it should have been. Maybe they’d finally decided that if they were to survive in space for any length of time then they should conserve some food. And the best way to do that was to get rid of Fat Bill. He had followed the trail of synthi-rowies from his cell, through the open doors (which had been specially widened), and down to the shuttle bay. There the trail had led into one of the spare shuttles, which had been laden with half the ships supply of rowies. As Bill had gorged himself, the shuttle bay doors had apparently opened of their own accord and sucked the shuttle, complete with Bill, out into the vast expanses of space.
He had received the strange communication on his retro Police band walkie-talkie as he neared the large, misty mountain, and like anyone with a mobile communicator, immediately parked to take his call. It would have been remiss of him not to. He was glad to receive the message from his son, whom he hadn’t seen since a rather embarassing encounter with the Dark One. It would appear that Numf had linked up with an old partner of his, and by the sound of things they were in a spot of bother. But they were only around at the other side of the mountain, or at least that’s where the County Police had triangulated the call from. It shouldn’t take long to come to their rescue.
Bill lifted off again, and started on his flight round the mountain. He noticed a light on his panel flashing. Hatch open? Must be a malfunction. Never mind.
It really was a beautiful setting, especially with the sinking sun behind him, covering the city in an orange glow. Ah, there was the Hilton, as he remembered it. He headed towards the roof.
Bill heard a scuffle in the back of the shuttle. Some bastard was stealing the last of his rowies!
He squeezed himself out of the pilots seat as fast as he could, and hurled his mass towards the back of the shuttle, accidently knocking the windscreen wipers on to high speed as he went.
He could see a black foot disappearing out of the rear door, and when he went to investigate further he could see there was a black parachute gently floating down towards the ground.
The table where the remains of the rowie mountain had been now only contained a small brown paper bag. Bill picked it up and glanced inside.
“Now that’s not………..very nice at …….all. Why, if I’m not ……. mistaken ….. in this brown …….. paper…….. bag ……… that there are ten ………torn off ….testicles. ……. Highly illogical, as a ………certain Vulcan might ……….say.”
He threw the bag out of the rear door, in a vague and not at all accurate attempt to hit the bastard that had stolen his rowies.
As he climbed back through the shuttle craft towards the cockpit the balance tilted, sending Bill into the front window, and the shuttle craft heading straight towards the ground…………..
Posted by Numf-El on :
“Hey look, there he is!” Numf exclaimed, pointing at the sillouetted shuttle flying towards their location through the orange light of the sunset. They noticed the black sillouette jump from the shuttle and almost instantly open up its parachute. Followed by a small bag?
“DAD! DAD!” shouted Numf excitedly. He jumped up and down like a small child who had just seen Santa Claus coming out of the chimney.
Seconds later the shuttle nosedived. Numf went silent. There was nothing any of them could do but watch.
It hurtled towards the front door of the Hilton, where humungous masses of ninjas were all waiting for their turn to use the revolving door.
Being stuck against the windscreen like a screaminig Garfield, there was nothing that Bill could do to prevent what happened.
The shuttle hit the ground nose first, a hundred yards from the revolving doors, and spun, arse over tit, through the hoardes. Killing and squashing as it went. Blazing di-lithium crystal juice spurted at mega temperatures over the masses, leaving a large number of black burning shapes running around like chickens.
The shuttle finally embedded itself in the revolving door, directly below the window from which our intrepid foursome looked out.
Bill peeled himself off the windscreen, stood up and wiped the debris off his trousers. “That safety glass ……… is good. Thank fu…..”
Giving one last shudder, the shuttle craft exploded, creating a crater where the entrance had been, and sending red hot debris outwards and flames directly up towards Harbi, Numf, Sonnie and Stacy, They instinctively backed away from the window, but the flame had no effect.
“oh well,” said Numf nonchalantly.
“Oh! Numfy!” said Harbi. “Oh, that’s terrible! Your father……..”
“Whatever.” Shrug.
“How can you say that?” asked Harbi, worried for her friend.
“Fat c*** never even sent me a birthday card,” said Numf, and left it at that.
[ January 21, 2005, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Numf-El on :
“Fair comment,” said Sonnie.
Unbeknownst (there’s a great word!) many levels below a fat black blob peeled himself off of the lobby wall, amidst a pile of smouldering debris, and searing flesh.
“Hmmmm,” he pondered. “I think I’ll go and ……. get myself a ……. safer job, like ……. advertising breakfast ……. cereal….”
Posted by Numf-El on :
“I’d better go and check the defences,” said Numf, tearfully.
He walked along the corridor and opened the fire door at its end, turning to see if anyone was following him. The fact that he had hesitated to go through the door saved his life, as 27 ninja death stars embedded themselves in the wall beside his head.
Numf fell back immediately, expecting the ninja to follow hard on his heels. After several seconds it was obvious that they weren’t following.
“Harbi, throw me your mirror!” shouted Numf back up the corridor to where the other three had ducked into a defensive position.
“No chance! I can’t survive without my mirror!” replied Harbi.
“Just give him your mirror,” said Stacy. “You can always borrow mine,” she said, getting in before Harbi started to argue the point.
“Why don’t you give him yours?” asked Harbi, glaring at Stacy.
“Because it’s in the bedroom,” replied Stacy.
“What, on the ceiling?” asked Harbi, rather bitchily.
“Bitch!” “ Slapper!” “Tart!” “Whore!”
And then the hair pulling started. And the twirling around, with whelps of pain. And squeaks of nastiness. And the scratching and hissing.
After several seconds standing there shaking his head in dismay, Sonnie took action.
He thrust both index fingers into the sides of each girls mouth, and pulled them up and towards him, where they floundered, barely touching the floor with their toes.
“Look!” he exclaimed. “Two little fishies! Now you two, stop it. If you really need to do this, then once we get back home we can fill a large paddling pool with lime jelly and sell tickets. “Now Harbi, just give Numf your bloody mirror!”
“Yesh shir Shonnie,” she shaid. She reached into her secret mirror compartment in her lycra costume, removed the mirror and threw it along the corridor for Numf, who caught it one handed. “Can you let ush go now, pleash?”
Posted by Numf-El on :
Leaving Harbi and Stacy to kiss and make up (Sonnie really ought to have sold tickets for that one), Numf edged the mirror round the bottom edge of the door. The mirror showed that the barricades had held, but that countless ninjas were crushing up against each other in an attempt to force the sofa aside. Surely the mass of human flesh would eventually force its way through.
Numf moved back and drew his ray gun, having wedged Harbis mirror at the required angle. The laser from his ray gun reflected hotly through the doorway, slicing ninja limbs, severing arteries and generally making a bloody mess. Screams of ninja silence filled the air.
Numf stopped and looked again in the mirror. Limbs and heads lay cauterised on the floor, bodies fallen everywhere. Then, in slo-mo, the sofa fell in half.
“Shit! Run!”
Numf ran through half a metre deep treacle wearing lead-lined boots, time having slowed right down to the speed of nightmares.
A mass of whole, and mostly whole, black clad deathmongers followed. Thankfully for Numf the front ranks all were missing various appendages, and were thus unable to throw any spears or other projectiles, and also helped block the accurate throwing by the ninja behind them.
The fire from Sonnie, Harbi and Stacy took down the front ranks, which tripped the second and third ranks, but gave those in the fourth rank a clear view of Numfs back. There was only time for one volley as Numf neared the closing gap of the door to Stacys room.
Twelve spears and fourteen throwing stars left black gloved hands at the same instant, travelling at well-nigh lightning speed, straight at Numfs back.
There was nothing that anyone could do to stop them.
Posted by Harbinger on :
No Numf, don't die!!!!
Posted by Harbinger on :
Not until I get those Jimmy Choos anyway
Loving your work here Ken, more, more, more!
Posted by Sonnie on :
You know what you can send your favourite li'l brother for Xmas Numf? Want a clue? A certain pink mohair with that slightly not quite male insignia never had a pink mohair....
The musical interlude was class, we do love the Zep! But you knew that din't you....
B without a mirror - it'll never happen
This is the usual mix of humour, innuendo, inanity, insanity and fabbo escapist fun Ken. By far the funniest thing since Aunt Mabel caught her left.... we'll leave that there eh?
oh there's toooo many funny things to mention, just keep 'em coming!
And as B said above, don't die!!!!
(at least not before you send me that jumper )
luv to you and the grrrls
xx's K
Posted by Numf-El on :
Kill myself off, eh? That'd get me out of having to finish the story off, wouldn't it! (Not that I'm always looking for the easy way out or anything..)
Thanks for tuning in - glad you're still getting some giggles out of it.
B - lovin' the SUBs, more more more.....
K - it was great seeing you the other week.
The girls send hugs and kisses to you both. Don't know about old spanner though....... Yeah, okay, to him too.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Harbi, however, knew that at heart Numf was a true Aberdonian, the stingiest members of a race world renowned for its stinginess. The frugalest of the frugal. Short arms, long pockets. Combination lock on his wallet.
Tight as a nuns chuff.
Sonnie and Stacy had already moved back inside, their view of the attacking hoardes having been blocked by Numfs advance.
The door opened briefly and with unerring accuracy Harbi threw a 5p piece exactly where the light from it would catch Numfs eye. And then slammed the door shut.
THUNK! Thunkthunkthunkthunkthunk!!!!!!!!!!
Harbi opened the door to see Numf stand up again, unscathed, 5p piece in hand. “You’ll not be wanting this back, will you?” he asked, clearly letting Harbi know that it was the last that she would see of it.
“No, you keep it,” Harbi said, looking up at the array of weaponry that peppered the door in a rough Numf shape. So saying she grabbed Numf by the front of his tee-shirt and pulled him into the room, slamming the door behind him.
THUNK!
Posted by Harbinger on :
Too funny Ken! more, more, MORE!!!
Posted by Numf-El on :
They stood back from the newly locked door and surveyed the hall for objects to barricade it with. Very expensive mirrors, paintings and writing desks in a Louise XVII retro chic style have been screwed to the walls and floor, and just couldn’t be budged. They obviously didn’t trust their own clientele. Lets be honest, anyone who could afford to stay here was obviously a pimp, slave trader, thief or drug dealer. Or they’d inherited their money from one of the former.
They backed down the hall into the main room, where they had a bit more luck with some soft furnishings. Even the TV had been nailed to the floor to stop you wheeling it out the door. But they didn’t have a lock on this door, so it wasn’t nearly as secure.
They moved through to the next room, the bedroom. The matress could be moved, but that didn’t help all that much – half of the springs were broken anyway. The bed was screwed to the floor to stop you nipping out the back door with it and loading it into your Pinto.
Crash! The front door was gone. Splintered off its hinges by the seething mass of black clothed hatred.
And then silence as they made their way towards the living room door. The soft furnishings didn’t hold them back for long at all.
Our intrepid foursome backed away, levelling their rayguns at the closed bedroom door.
“Hey, Sonnie, how come this light’s flashing red? I could have sworn that it was green a second ago,” Numfy asked.
“Oh, that’s the charge. Looks like you’re out of juice,” replied Sonnie, checking his own weapon.
“Put that away and pay attention to what’s happening here!” commanded Harbi.
“oops, sorry.”
“Wait a minute, my red light’s flashing as well!” exclaimed Harbi.
“Mine too,” said Sonnie, somewhat alarmed. “So much for a parting volley as we retreat – looks like we’ll just have to hide in the en-suite.”
Posted by Numf-El on :
Two minutes later, after searching the living room thoroughly, the ninja finally got around to trying the bathroom door. After the first 3 died trying to turn the doorhandle (thanks to a trick that Numf had read in a Christopher Brookmeyer book where you hook up 240V to it) they decided to break it down.
They used one of the frazzled bodies as a battering ram. Six ninja, three on either side, held the body horizontal and ran at the door. One tenth of a second before impact the door swung sharply open and the ninja ran straight through.
The door slammed shut again, leaving the ninja left on the other side thoroughly confused.
It was pitch black in the bathroom and the invading ninja didn’t see the wet towel on the marble floor.
Nor the plunge pool towards which they found themselves rapidly heading.
Nor the electric heater that was in the water in the plunge pool, plugged in and switched on.
Six live and one dead ninja went flying into the air feet first, legs still pedalling in an attempt to run.
Ka-Splash! FTTTZZZZZT!!!!!!!
The smell of ozone and fried ninja filled the room.
“What a shocking waste!” said Harbi, without a trace of sarcasm.
“God, H, that’s a bad enough pun to be one of mine!” said Numf.
“No, I mean what a waste of a plunge bath and six men, each with their hands on a great big stiff …..” said Harbi.
Sonnie and Stacy laughed, both nodding. Numf looked confused.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Eventually the ninja found a wooden broom handle and managed to open the door without being frazzled. What they didn’t realise was that it hadn’t been rigged back up to the mains power supply. This time Numf had rigged it so that when the door handle was turned the grenade that he had balanced would fall off, disconnecting the pin.
The first four ninja had made it through the door by the time that the explosion occurred, with another six trying to wedge through the doorway at the same time. Making a nice little barricade.
By this time the ninja were well pissed off – or just ‘pissed’ if they were American.
And then when Numfs second and last grenade landed in the middle of the living room floor, taking out another 27 of them they were seriously angry. However, they didn’t know how many more grenades there were waiting for them.
So they backed off.
A sliver of light came through the blasted open doorway. The room outside was in darkness, but some residual light still came through the bedroom window. Shadows could be seen flitting through the light every so often in an almost stroboscopic manner. There were obviously plans afoot.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Where the hell was I again?
Oh yeah, stuck in a great big marble chunty with gazillions of cannon fodder about to invade.
Okay. How do we get outta this on? Ah, well. Perhaps we should be grateful to McDonalds. And it’s not often you’ll hear those words pass my lips. So don’t quote me.
…Wait a second, who are you?
I’m the Narrator.
…Narrator? Narrator? Piss off! This isn’t Winnie-the-bloody-Pooh! Go on – sod off!
What do you mean, I was just..
…Look pal, I mean it. Sod off and let them get on with it. They don’t need you to tell the story for them.
But I was j…aaaagggg! Ow, what was that for?
…Look, I’ve told you. Now if you don’t get out of here right now you’re in for a hidin’.
If you touch me again I’ll have you up on assault cha…aaaaaaarrrghhhhh.
…Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now, if you want your nipple back, just go now and I’ll post it to you in a day or two.
Whimper….whimper….okay, I’m going…….
…Right, sorry about that ladies and gents. I’ll let you get back to the story now.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
How narrator insurgents are born.... Posted by Numf-El on :
Yeah, but that's a story for another time......
Posted by Queen B on :
Any story will do Ken, just get on with it Posted by Numf-El on :
Fair comment B.
---------------------
Suddenly 352 black clothed ninja erupted into the room. Six through the door, and the rest came through the walls, and the floor. There were no more booby traps available for use, so nothing (apart from walls and floor) stood in their way.
Light filtered in from the doorway and various holes in the walls and floor. With so many bodies milling around clarity was not much in display, as hard darkness interposed tangentially with bright light one second and a myriad shades of black and white the very next.
The only thing that greeted them on their arrival was seven dead ninja floating in a plunge pool and an electric heater. Oh, and a variety of body parts from their recently exploded bretheren.
“Oh shite,” they all said in unison.
There were no cupboards / showers etc. in which they could be hidden. They weren’t curled up in a chandelier, nor conveniently squished in behind the radiator. They obviously hadn’t turned invisible, because they wouldn’t have been able to move without bumping into one of the ninja who now occupied the room. And there was no way that they could all have hidden in the cistern.
Just to be on the safe side various sharp / poisonous / rather nasty / barbed implements were embedded in the dead bodies in the plunge pool.
Various rather deadly fights and scuffles broke out amongst the ninja as they accused each other of being our intrepid heroes in disguise. Confusion reigned for a while as bodies were shoved down holes and age-old ninja rivalries were taken to their inevitable bitter ends. A number of these ninjas would take many years to die from their apparently innocent injuries of that day.
By the time this infighting was settled, although there was still a hell of a lot of suspicion going round, more than three quarters of their numbers were depleted, or deleted, or decapitated, or various words starting with ‘de’.
Still, over 80 ninja in the room and untold numbers outside, no matter how crap they may be, would still be more than enough to give our heroes a serious kicking if only they could find them.
But there was no-where left to look. In disgust the remaining ninja filed out of the door. Seriously disgruntled.
Posted by Numf-El on :
The last ninja to exit the room turned around and had one last look around the room.
Due to the fact that the room was no longer filled with milling bodies he noticed that the switch for the heater had been turned off. Even though the heater was still in the water.
He picked his way back through the bodies littering the floor.
And flicked the switch.
Turning back to look at the bodies in the pool, it gave him a certain amount of sick, perverted sarcastic satisfaction (which, to be honest was why he had wanted to become a ninja in the first place) to watch the bodies twitching as the electricity coursed through them, playing with their nervous systems.
He headed for the door.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“See, I told you that someone would see the plug was switched off!” said Numf, pushing the dead ninja out of the way and standing up.
“Lucky that you took out the fuse then, wasn’t it,” said Stacy, standing up beside him.
“And that shaking the bodies at the right time was a master stroke. Not half as lucky as Sonnies strange habit of stealing straws from McDonalds though,” said Harbi.
Sonnie just grinned, vindicated from now to the end of time.
“Now, can we get the hell out of this plunge pool? Lying underneath dead fried ninja, breathing through a plastic straw for 20 minutes gets a bit much,” said Harbi. “I could do with another bath already.”
Unfortunately for our heroes, stood as they were in the plunge pool, one of the ninja had decided that he needed a piss. Back he strode into the bathroom to see our intrepid heroes standing in the middle of the pool, surrounded by singed ninja cadavers. Water dripping off of them. Straws in hands.
One sharp whistle later our heroes were surrounded by a large number of less cadaverous ninjas.
If this ever gets made into a cartoon the ninja should have steam coming out of their ears.
“Oh well. I feel like syphillis,” said Numfy.
“Daft beggar. You never get that right, do you? The phrase is ‘looks like I’m a gonnorrea’,” corrected his brother with a withering glance.
Posted by Queen B on :
boom boom!
Loving it Ken, more, more, more
Ps - Keithie steals napkins and sugar too
Posted by Numf-El on :
Seconds passed like days.
As hands were raised in unison to pepper our friends with death-giving implements, Harbi screamed.
“STOP!”
The command that her voice carried stopped them in their tracks. When you’ve had the pleasure of trying to instil a touch of culture in an otherwise barren class of spotty, hormonal teenagers who are only interested in alcopops, joy riding, their next joint and finding some form of relief for the constant throbbing sex drive that God has granted them in his immense wisdom, then gaining the attention of a room full of death hungry ninja is mere childs play.
They stopped.
Before Harbi was required to come up with a reason for them to have stopped (which was just as well since she was just making it up as she went along and hadn’t worked out what she was going to say next) the external wall was blown in, which killed the 14 lines of ninja nearest the explosion. Almost immediately afterwards a line of red death sliced its way through the remaining black clad baddies at chest height. Thankfully our heroes were half submerged in the plunge pooland the beam passed harmlessly over their heads. Okay, Sonnie came out of the bathroom with less hair than when he went in, but he wasn’t really that bothered about it.
The beam stopped after one sweep. Dust and the smoke from cauterised wounds filled the air. Bottom halves toppled over to lie next to their top halves, occasionally twitching slightly.
After the forest of legs had collapsed only our four heroes were left standing. They all looked around quizzically at each other, not one of them having a clue what the hell was going on.
“What the f…” they all started to ask at the same time.
“Hurry up you a lot, before the ninja in the next room arrive!” came a familiar voice through the dust and smoke.
They all turned, as one, to look at the heroic figure of Marvin, ray gun in hand..
Posted by Numf-El on :
“What is that stink?” asked Stacy as she climbed aboard Marvins flying saucer which hovered alongside the El Asticpants Hilton top floor, where until very recently the bathroom wall to the recently re-named Playgirl Suite stood. “Are your toilets broken or something?”
“No, it’s coming from the sick-bay. So I’ve closed the door and I’m staying as far away as possible,” replied Marvin as he helped her aboard, one eye trained on the door to the hotel bathroom. A number of black hooded heads peeked around the framework, but seeing the absolute devastation within they didn’t stay around too long.
The other three clambered on board behind Stacy and, after guilty looks between them concerning the cause of the smell, decided almost telepathically that they could live with the smell for a while if it meant the chance to leave Dallas literally up to his neck in it.
“So, you managed to get the saucer fixed then, I see,” said Sonnie after Stacy and Marvin had been introduced, and Marvin had received the eternal thanks, and offers of multiple beers from all concerned.
“Yes, I just finished about 15 minutes ago. I spotted a trail full of ninja headed to this hotel, so I just had to investigate. The fact that there was a giant knob drawn on the side tended to make me think that Numfy might be holed up inside. “So I searched anround and hovered up to this bedroom window where I saw masses of ninja coming out of an adjoining room, and then rushing back in again. I reckoned that you might be in trouble, so ……” Marvin trailed off his explanation.
He closed the hatch behind them and led them through to the bridge, where he quickly and neatly piloted the ship out of harms way, around to the other side of the volcano, where they hovered out of sight of El Asticpants.
“So, what’s been going on?” asked Marvin.
Sonnie and Harbi told the story while Numf and Stacy went to grab a quick shower, hit the galley to make cups of coffee and have a quick fumble.
When Harbi got to the part of the ninja attacking in the cave, Marvin muttered “good” to himself but refused to explain until he had been brought fully up to date with the situation.
Numf and Stacy returned in time for the end of the story, bearing tepid cups of coffee.
Marvin led the four of them to a small broom cupboard, where, hanging in the darkness, bound and gagged were three very familiar figures.
Betty, Joe and Michael J Hunt.
“I noticed them sneaking back to the ship, and reckoned that the only reason for them to be sneaking was if they were up to something sneaky,” explained Marvin. Harbi gave him a great big smacking kiss on the left cheek. Just to make sure that all the bases were covered, Sonnie did similarly to his right cheek.
Blushing furiously, Marvin continued. “You know that giant bandy-net that I have attached under the ship for catching great white sharks? Well it works with sneaky soldiers and insurance salesmen.”
Betty, Joe and Mike were trussed up like Xmas turkeys, swinging maddly back and forth all trying to shout through their gags. Eyes bulged and faces got redder, then purpler.
Our intrepid heroes all laughed heartily.
Harbi stopped laughing suddenly and slammed the door. Everyone else stopped instantly.
“Rody,” Harbi said simply.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Harbi put on her warpaint.
“So, what do we know?
1. Joe and Betty appear to be in league with Hunt. 2. Red tops attract danger. Unless you’re Joe or Betty. 3. We were left with only ray guns, which seem to cut through just about everything, after a cock-up with provisions. 4. We’re sitting atop a potentially very active volcano. 5. SGG ninjas are actually pretty crap, and have stick on tattoos. 6. Kaant is around here somewhere and has been eating up the locals and trashing their houses. 7. The locals are all 70s / 80s TV stars, who bought their homes relatively cheap when they were loaded. 8. The land’s worth a fortune. 9. Rody has been kidnapped.
And what can we assume from these facts?” she asked the assembled members of the team.
“I think that we can safely assume that we have to rescue Rody as soon as possible,” replied Stacy.
“Girl,” said Harbi, nodding her head, “ I like your way of thinking. Marvin, can you take us back around to the lift entrance please?”
“My pleasure,” said Marvin, headed towards the controls.
“Why don’t we just ask Hunt what’s going on?” asked Numfy.
“Or else kill Hunt slowly and painfully and then ask the others!” added Sonnie with a glint in his eye.
They gave that some serious consideration for a moment or two, but decided that they probably couldn’t get away with it within the context of the story. What with them being heroes, and all that.
“Marvin,” started Stacy tentatively, “I don’t suppose that you have a kiddies play area anywhere on board, do ya?” “Yes, I have my nephews on board occasionally, so there are toys and beanbags and things through to the left there,” confirmed Marvin. “Why?”
Posted by Numf-El on :
Twenty minutes later Stacy exited the small room where Mike remained securely tied to a chair. His face was grey, bloodless, and beads of sweat stood out all over his face. He still shivered at the thought of what had transpired.
The cheeky smile on Stacys face told them everything that they needed to know – Mike had revealed all.
None of the others had been brave enough to enter the room while the interrogation had been going on. They had known what was going to happen, and none of them could stomach the thought of being in the same room. Stacy, however, was immune to the sound of her own nails down a blackboard.
Posted by Queen B on :
Fabbo! I'm glad that some things haven't changed while I was away - Dragons is still the top diggidydog in Bits!
Loving it Ken, more, more, more!
[ March 04, 2005, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: Queen B ]
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Well, I squirmed with the "nails on blackboard" ending.... but hooray for Marvin! and hope for Rody!
Whenever I read "Kaant", though, I think of Immanuel Kant and expect her to be off haranguing people with philosphy.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“So, what’s the story?” asked Numf.
“Well, it’s simple really,” said Stacy with a sneer and a sadistic glint in her eye that no-one had noticed before. She realised that they were looking quizzically at her and shook her head rapidly to relax herself somewhat before continuing. So she liked a bit of tying people up and inflicting pain. Didn't everyone? “It’s all a big insurance scam.”
“Huh?” “Fit?” “Eh?”
“Yeah, as you know the real estate around here is worth a fortune. The people bought it up years ago for a pittance, but what with the price of properties these days Bill Gates would be hard pushed to buy up this place,” Stacy looked pleased at this, since part of the real estate was hers. “Realtors are always after a piece of the action.”
“What the Jiminy-Crickets-left-nut is a realtor. The opposite of a falsetor?” asked Numf.
“No, you ignoralt gipe! A realtor is the same as an Estate Agent,” said Sonnie.
“So,” guessed Harbi, “Kaant rampaging through the town meant that there would be lots of extremely big insurance claims over deaths and demolished housing. All to the Legionworld Insurance Company, who employ Hunt of course. Rather than have to pay out billions in insurance claims, they offer to write off my debt in exchange for helping out with their problem. They throw together a rag-tag bunch of would-be soldiers, with two plants, Joe & Betty.”
“Right so far,” said Stacy.
“They started off wanting Kaant out of the way, but I don’t think that’s enough anymore, is it?” Stacy shook her head in answer to Harbis question. “They now want to call in the God Clause, don’t they?” Stacy nodded. “Therefore the lasers, which seem to cut through just about everything.”
Numf and Sonnie sttod there, head swinging back and fore between the two speakers, clueless to what they were talking about.
Marvin interjected at this point. “I’ve been researching the area, and I’ve got a 3D computer model if you want to see it?”
“Brill, Marv – go for it,” said Numf, looking for a chance to actually understand something.
Up on the main display appeared a 3D model of the volcano. It rotated through 360° as they watched, impressed. They could pick out individual landmarks, including the Hilton, which they had recently vacated.
Slowly the outer layer of the volcano faded away, to show the substructure of the volcano. Hollows came into view, showing the intricate caveworks, and the liftshaft could be clearly seen, plunging down straight through everything. Directly beneath the bottom of the liftshaft an ugly hot red angry pulsing ball came into view, taking up most of the volume of the surrounding area.
“Harbi, what’s going on?” asked Numf, tugging at her cuff.
“Simple, if we blow up the volcano then the insurance won’t have to pay up,” she answered, distractedly.
Numf tugged again, and looked pleadingly at her.
“All of the insurance that has been taken out with LIC will have a standard clause that states that they won’t pay up for an Act Of God. A volcanic eruption is just such an act,” Stacy stated. “They also don’t pay out for damage caused in wars.”
“And us blowing up the volcano whilst fighting off hoardes of marauding ninja will be classed as war damages, won’t it,” supplied Sonnie.
“But, looking at that, it looks like it’s pretty damned ready to blow up at any minute anyway, so why do they need us?” asked Numf.
All four of the others answered as if with one voice.
“To blame.”
“Oh.”
Posted by Numf-El on :
“You wanna try for the $42 million question?”asked Stacy.
When Harbi nodded, Stacy continued. “How many ninja are there out there?”
“There must be about 10 or 12 thousand from what we’ve seen,” said Numfy.
“Nope,” said Harbi. Stacy nodded for her to continue. “Not a single one.”
“And for your bonus points, how many SGG?”
“None!” guessed Numf.
“Close – one. Kaant,” said Sonnie. “So those faux-ninja, they’re justa bunch of posers lookin’ for a scrap, aren’t they?”
“Pretty much so,” said Stacy. “But it turns out that 99% of them were only hired a few days ago, given a large cheque and flown out here, having been promised large bundles of cash for our heads.”
“I’ve offered people large bundles of cash to give me head before as well,” murmered Numf.
“They won’t have had time to put their cheques in the bank, and even if they did it takes seven days for a cheque to clear, and they’re sitting on a volcano about to blow,” said Sonnie, picking up LICs way of thinking.
“Sneaky,” said Numf, clearly impressed by their deviousness.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“So, what’s the plan?” asked Stacy.
“Well, highest priority is Rody – we need to rescue him. Secondly, after rescuing him we need to get the hell out of here before this place blows!” said Harbi, with feeling.
There was some fairly vigourous agreeing on those points.
“What about Hunt and the others? Come to think of it,” said Sonnie, “if Joe and Betty were in league with Hunt all along, then how come they weren’t picked off by the ninja when we first landed? Remember all that ‘red shirt’ business, and only Hunt had the green and white hoops?”
Stacy flexed her talons. “I’ll go and ask,” she said, heading back towards the room where Hunt was being kept.
She re-emerged 30 seconds later, head downcast, bottom lip jutting out.
“Not fair. Spoiled my fun…”
“What’s the matter, has he escaped or something?” asked Numf.
“No, he just told me the answers before I got anywhere near the blackboard,” replied Stacy.
The others laughed ironically – little more than snorts really.
“Stripes,” said Stacy to the unbidden question.
“Huh?”
“Two of the Celtic tops had been too small, they’d ordered up kids sizes, so to get around it they apparently carried a large stuffed tiger, and it was the stripes that mattered, not the colour,” Stacy explained.
“Oh yeah! Frosty,” the other four replied in unison, slapping themselves on the foreheads for their stupidity.
“So, what do we do with them?” asked Stacy. “They’re your traitors, so it’s up to you.”
Twenty minutes later the sickbay held three new fully plastered residents. When questioned about their motives the only answer Jo and Betty gave was “Money.”
Dallas had been set free, though very reluctantly. He had tried to remain where he was. But when Numf and Sonnie had gone in to the sickbay, all gas-masked up, and cut him out of the plaster suit he’d been wearing he didn’t really have much choice in the matter.
His time trussed up in his own mess clearly had effected his mind, or possibly freed it depending on your taste, as in years to come he could be found wearing a black PVC Vader-esque gimp outfit in German scatological pornographic movies.
After a good hosing down and fresh clothing Dallas refused point blank to join our heroes, so they sent him down to the shops for 20 Rothmans.
Posted by Sonnie on :
20 marlboro lights for me please!
Ken, you continue to amaze, entertain and general bamboozle.....
see you on the 23rd mannie
K
Posted by Numf-El on :
Keith - the 20 Rothmans is a Pythonism.... Bet that surprises you!
On with the story -
“Right, lets get with some Rody saving, shall we?” suggested Harbi.
“Yay!” said everyone else.
“Right, now, lets get all the fully charged rayguns we can..”
“On the case,” said Marvin, turning away towards the cupboard where they were kept.
“…and when you’re done there I’ve got a very important job for you,” said Harbi.
When they were all ready, Marvin dropped them all off at the top of the lift shaft, and then headed towards town.
Most of the ninja had made the journey into town and were still surrounding the hotel, in a mass of black, so Marv gave that area of town a body swerve.
Saving some time in the story, the lift doors were already open, as if awaiting passengers.
Not ones to look a gift horse in the mouth our intrepid heroes went straight in and pressed the button marked ‘1’. The doors closed, and they stayed exactly where they were. So they tried ’99’ instead.
Their descent started fairly quickly, with the lift moving downwards at a steady pace.
Stacy asked a question that had been bothering her for some time.
“Even though you three don’t have the most up to date dress sense, I thought that even you would be able to see just how absolutely naff those things are,” she said, pointing in turn at each of Harbi, Numf and Sonnie.
“What, our ‘sovvies’?” asked Sonnie, getting a laugh from Numf and Harbi.
“What the hell’s a ‘sovvy’?” asked Stacy.
“They’re rings made from sovereigns, a British coin. And yes, their tackiness is beyond doubt,” said Harbi. “However, only Neds wera sovvies, and these are not they. These are…”
“Legion Flight Rings!” interrupted Numf excitedly, like a little puppy dog that wants to go outside urgently…... “And look, if you flap your arms…”
Numf flapped his arms, smacking all three of the others in the lift across various parts of their anatomy. Stacy fell backwards, banging her head against the wall of the lift. She fell to the floor, stunned. Her eyes span in her head.
“Are you seeing stars?” asked Harbi, leaning over her, concerned.
“No. If I’m not mistaken it’s not stars that I’m seeing revolving round my head. It’s five choir boys, four boy scouts, three French whores, two shit-house doors and ….. the Lord Montague of Beauly,” came the reply.
“Oh, that’s okay then,” said Numf, embarassedly.
CreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEAAAAAAKKK
GrrrriiiiiiNNNNNDDDDDDDD
Ping!
Ping!
PING!
P l u m m e t
“Aaaaaaarrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!” x 4
Posted by Numf-El on :
“Aaaaaaarrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!” x 4
10 . . 15 . . .25 . . .45 . . 69 . .
By the time that they reached the 85th floor, having hit terminal velocity, all four of our heroes were floating in free-fall around the ceiling of the lift. It was at this point that Sonnie actually remembered that they’d only just been discussing their Legion rings. Legion FLIGHT rings. Go on, make the connection - I say again FLIGHT!
He instinctively grabbed the two girls in both arms and dived (dove? No, that’s a white bird a bit like a pigeon you gipe!) upwards, breaking through the roof of the lift, successfully hooking Numf with his foot on the way.
Unfortunately for Numf, Sonnie could have found a less…. well…. testicle infested area to hook on to. But in the grand scheme of things he would rather have had that than still be in the lift when it crashed through the bottom of level 99, one tenth of a second later, splintering into matchstick sized shards rather impressively.
Having a much greater mastery of his flight ring than his brother, Sonnie managed to float in the air, one saved damsel in distress in each arm, and his older brother curled around his foot, without having to flap his arms. He did have to do some nifty ‘side-stepping’ to avoid the steel cable which snaked and hissed and whipped down behind the lift, dangerously close.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Meanwhile, at the Sheraton, Dr. Jeeps lawyers were issuing a writ, suing the Hotel for substantial damages due to physical and emotional damage caused by the untimely forceful rejection of the aforementioned from said premises during his previous residency in the ‘Copa Cabana Cocktail Lounge’, as well as reparation for the authentic 1967 Hammond organ type M-100 which was irreparably broken when he landed on it from a height of 10 feet, and loss of earnings due to said physical and emotional damage.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Sonnie floated back down through the settling dust until he was level with the closed doors leading to Level 99.
Nothing happened for a few seconds.
“Come off it – gimme a break here boys and girls,”said Sonnie, sounding a tad pissed off.
“Huh?” came two female voiced replies.
“Whimper,” came one, rather high, male voice in reply.
“Yeah, look, I’m floating here, twenty feet above the floor, one person under each arm and one balanced precariously on my toe. Just how in the name of all gods furry little creatures do you expect me to blohw the blahdy doars orf?” Sonnie asked, slipping seamlessly into his best Michael Caine impersonation. (Had it been Numf going for the accent it would have sounded like some kind of funny Welsh / Pakistani hybrid.) “Oops,” said Harbi, “just give me a second.” Harbi somehow managed to get ahold of the raygun in her teeth and burned a great big Sonnie-and-passengers shaped hole in the door, and they floated on through.
Numf was relieved to be able to curl up in a ball on the floor for a few minutes.
They found themselves in a corridor based on an industrial factory. Metal was the order of the day – steel pipes for handrails, grating for flooring. The flourescent lighting only appeared to work intermittently, however, there was a dark red steamy glow all around. Ahead of them, sighted fleetingly through the stroboscopic lighting and steam, there was a figure at the top of what appeared to be a flight of stairs, with what appeared to be a longbow, loaded with an arrow pointing their way.
Posted by Numf-El on :
The primary and secondary colours up ahead made our intrpid heroes pretty much sure that it wasn’t one of the moronic ninja that they faced.
“Don’t move! Or I will fire,” came an androgynous voice.
Numfy stood up, oblivious to what was going on, knowing only that the throbbing pain had subsided to a level where he could move without the desire to throw up.
With his back to the mystery figure he didn’t see the arrow being loosed, and flying his way. “I warned you,” came the same androgynous voice.
Selflessly, Sonnie dived in front of the speeding projectile.
Right between his eyes the arrow struck.
Sonnie fell crumpled to the floor. . . .
And then picked himself up again.
“OOOOwwwwww! That seriously bloody hurt! I’m going to have a bruise there, and how stupid is that going to look?” he said. He rubbed the point between his eyes where the arrow had struck.
Numf, Stacy and Harbi looked at him, mouths agape.
All four of them looked at the ground. Black plastic blocks lay on the ground.
Up ahead, a small voice could be heard to say “oh shit.” They looked up in time to see the figure turn to run.
Sonnies flight ring was quickest to respond, and within a fraction of a second he was hurtling faster than a speeding plastic arrow at the escaping figure, fist outstretched in front.
A second later contact seemed to break the figure in half, colours flying in all directions.
By the time that the others had caught up merest seconds later, Sonnie was stood above a broken, twitching body. And in his hands he held a head.
Posted by Numf-El on :
On further examination they found that she was made entirely of small plastic building blocks. The way that she moved, it appeared that she was constantly being rebuilt, rather than the existing blocks moving. In this way blocks added and removed themselves from some non-existent toybox, to produce a strangely un-fluid movement. Green was the colour of her outfit, and tight fitting it was. The quarrel that hung over her shoulder was filled with the feathers of plastic brick built arrows.
Her long blonde hair flowed over Sonnies hands with a rather disturbing animatronic movement.
“What the sprock is this?” asked our four heroes in unison.
“My name is Lego-lass,” she informed the quartet.
“But ….. you’re made of Lego! How is it that you can move?” asked Harbi.
“I am filled with an Elfen life-force,” replied Lego-lass.
“That’s funny, you don’t look …, like …., Elfish,” said Numf, much to everyones amusement.
Posted by Sonnie on :
Hey Ken, thanks for the email yesterday.... greatly appreciated mannie....
About time we had a Lego-lass joke!
loving this, am listening to Vision Thing as I read so the Dr Jeep reference was perfectly timed...
I still think it's all a dream and Numf will wake up un someone elses shower...
See ya soon mannie, have a good weekend
L'il Bro Kx
Posted by Numf-El on :
“Atheet thrtree athoola effelthrat!” screamed Lego-lass suddenly, to the surprise of the foursome. Expecting an attack they went into a defensive circle, but nothing happened.
“Was that some kind of Elfish curse, or alarm call?” asked Sonnie.
“No,” came the reply, “I jutht bit my tongue and it thuching hurtth!”
“So, what the hell are you doing here, protecting this beast? And where’s Rody?” asked Harbi restlessly.
“I admire it’th purity, it’th thenthe of thurvival; unclouded by conscienth, remorsth, or deluthionth of morality,” thaid Lego-lath. “But I’ve got no idea who or what Rody is.”
“Rubbish,” said Harbi.
“Okay, okay, you’re right about the first bit,” said Lego-lass, caving in to Harbis Paddington-hard-stare. “I heard the legend of this red dragon who lives underground and sits on golden eggs the size of small children, and I thought I’d help relieve it of some of its hoarde. ”
Numf wandered around, watching the twitching blocks of Elfish Lego in amazement. He picked up a piece to examine. Picking up on what was being said he asked, “So, you’re not actually on Kaants side then?”
“Not at all, I have come to make my fortune,” replied Lego-lass.
“So why the crap plastic arrow?” asked Sonnie rubbing his head once more.
“Well, I thought that you might be here for the same purpose. And normally I just have to threaten and people run away. I didn’t realise that they were quite so useless.”
“Well we’re here to rescue our friend. But if there are golden eggs going……” said Numf, getting a greedy glint in his eye.
“We’ll still just rescue Rody and get the hell out of here,” said Harbi, training that Paddington-hard-stare Numfs way. Numf looked away.
The lego blocks seemed to be re-forming themselves, converging slowly from the corners to which they had been thrown. Some of them were having a hard time getting back up the grating stairs, and were constantly falling through the gaps.
“Harbi……..” started Numf.
“We don’t have time Numf, we’ve got to go,” replied Harbi.
So saying she led the way.
“what about me?” came a small pleading voice from behind them where Sonnie had deposited Lego-lasses head.
“We’ll pick you up on the way back if we can, but right now we’re in a hurry,” shouted Sonnie back along the walkway.
Posted by Numf-El on :
They worked their way along the walkway, and down a set of stairs, into an area which seemed almost organic in its growth. There was a heavier than air mist, which covered the floor to a depth of about 6”, which meant that a large number of trip hazards went un-noticed until too late. Harbi was tripping all over the place until Sonnie pointed out that they could use their flight rings to float above the mist. Numf beamed with delight, because it meant that he had to carry Stacy, and the best way to do that was in a tight hug.
They didn’t have to journey far before they heard a voice up ahead, muttering as if to itself. They slowed their pace.
Kaants dragon face appeared briefly out of the humid red darkness, bald red sweaty face highlighted against the black shadows of a small cave entrance.
She mumbled to herself, voice deepened by what appeared to have been constant crying.
“mumble mumble mumble …..stally heavens above and the molal raw within…. Mumble……. input must be plocessed or erse it is ress even than a dleam…..”
She moved back inside the cave, and our intrepid foursome followed, wary of a possible sudden re-appearance. They reached the small cave entrance and glanced inside, all four heads appearing round the side at the same time.
This was the first glance of Kaant that Stacy had had. “I always assumed she would be a Draco Orientalis Magnus not a Draco Occidentalis Magnus,” she whispered to Numf.
“Ummmm…..right……if you say so…”came the reply.
“You know – a Chinese dragon, not a European one,” she explained.
From what they could hear, Kaant was talking clearly and concisely to someone else within the cave, although, in the darkness it was impossible to see who. Especially with a big red scaly butt in the way.
“….if the mind activery generates perception, this laises the question whether the lesult has anything to do with the worrd, to the extent that knowredge depends on the structure of the mind and not on the worrd, knowredge would have no connection to the worrd and is not even tlue leplesentation, just a solipsistic or intersubjective fantasy.”
“Harbi,” said Numf very quietly, once more pulling on her sleeve like a small child to get her attention, “what the fuck does that mean?”
“Buggered if I know,” came the equally quiet reply.
Posted by Numf-El on :
They sneaked forwards, Kaants back still turned to them.
“It is the leplesentation that makes the object possibre lather than the object that makes the leplesentation possibre,” she said.
Looking around them they saw that Lego-lass had been correct – the small cave that they had entered was full of large golden eggs, each easily big enough to hold a small child.
“Wow!” our foursome mouthed all at the same time.
“Evelrything I know, think, see, feer, lemember, berongs to my consciousness in one tempolal stleam of experience,” Kaant said, obviously trying to explain her viewpoint to someone out of shot.
“Who’s she speaking to?” Stacy asked Numf, receiving a shrug in reply.
They edged quietly around to try to get a better view.
They came around past Kaant and could see quite clearly to whom she had been speaking.
There, hung cruciform to the wall was a naked figure that they couldn’t help but recognise. That they had all known since their childhoods. Head slumped forward. Obviously dead.
There was a sharp intake of breath from our intrepid quartet.
“Oh my God – she’s killed …………
Tune in next time for the stunning reveal…………………….. And no, it’s not Kenny.
[ March 21, 2005, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Numf-El on :
“Oh my God – she’s killed the EASTER BUNNY!”
Kaants big red evil shiny head turned slowly to face our foursome.
“We onry praying,” she said slowly, as if talking to children
“I don’t care how you justify yourself to your Gods, you’ve just killed the Easter Bunny!” shouted Sonnie.
“No sirry, we only praying games,” said Kaant, talking as if to a stupid child. “He rike praying S&M games. That why he tied up. He leally go rike a bunny labbit! Where you think eggs all come from?” Kaant lifted up her front paw and indicated the golden eggs all around them, giving a questioning look at them.
“I no hurt bunny labbit – at reast no more than he want me to,” said Kaant mischievously.
“Do you mind if I check?” asked Stacy, “Because he doesn’t look at all well.”
“I know others, but I no know you. But you check,” agreed Kaant, nodding her big red head.
Numf put her down on the ground, and she tiptoed her way through the large golden eggs to the wall where the rabbit was.
“Rook, he want more!” said Kaant, pointing once more with her talon.
Stacy checked his pulse and shook her head saddly. “I’m sorry, he’s dead,” she said.
“No he not – rooook!” Kaant said, still pointing.
“I’m sorry,” said Stacy, “that’s just rigour mortis setting in.”
“Damn, my pets arways die,” said Kaant, regretably. “He was fun! Anyway – wha’ you wan’?” she asked, turning on our foursome.
“Kaant, psychological explanations for behavior, however illuminating, cannot be used to excuse moral responsibility and accountability. Thus, your tragic childhood, however touching and understandable, cannot excuse crimes commited in full knowledge of their significance,” said Stacy.
“Huh?!?” said Harbi, Sonnie and Numf together.
Kaant looked angry. Her eyes closed slightly, and a sneer appeared at the corner of her mouth.
“Ummmm, we’ve come to rescue our friend Rody,” said Numf, stepping forward wringing his hands together like an orphan asking for more.
“Rittle mousy? I finished wiv him – he in corner,” Kaant said, indicating over her shoulder. “He no intelested in bondage – he no much fun.”
Harbi flew over to the corner, where she found a small white furry mouse, trussed up in black studded bondage gear, with a blue cape. He was unconscious, but still breathing.
Harbi cradled him gently. She whispered in his ear. But what she said we can only guess at, and will remain a secret forever. He stirred ever so slightly, seemingly content.
Harbi floated slowly back to where her friends waited patiently.
“Kaant, you’re despicable. If he’s hurt…” Harbi started, but she was interrupted by Kaant.
“Borrocks – I hungly!” she said loudly, licking her hard, scaly lips and looking with something akin to glee at our heroes.
Posted by Numf-El on :
“I no eaten anyone since stupid man in brack deriver mouse, thinking I leward him. I leward him arright wiv helping him meet his maker. I help you too if you want,” offered Kaant edging towards our heroes.
Our heroes edged back.
Harbi protected Rody by placing her body between him and Kaant, whilst the rest of our heroes drew their rayguns.
Kaant advanced.
Our heroes retreated.
Kaant advanced.
Our heroes retreated.
Harbi drew her own raygun and pointed it at Kaants face. “Take one more step and I’ll shoot,” she threatened.
“Oooh noooo! Not thaaaaat!” said Kaant exaggeratedly, stopping mid step with one foot in the air, and a fake look of alarm on her face.
Down came the foot slowly, challengingly.
As soon as it touched the floor Harbi shot. A line of blistering hot laser light hit straight between Kaants eyes.
Kaant cackled as all four of our heroes pumped red rays of death at her.
But our heroes had forgotten a very famous saying - having a ruby hide means never having to die a horrible laser scarred death.
Posted by Numf-El on :
There was a metallic rustle, seemingly from all around. Everyone stopped.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Even the background music stopped, so that the rustling could be properly appreciated. It was a creepy, metallic scraping noise, like scrunching up a very large biscuit wrapper, in quadrophonic surround sound 5.1 stereo thingummy DTS.
Numf made a funny high pitched intake-of-breath girly noise.
? our heroes all asked each urgently telepathically. However, since none of them were actually telepaths they all failed to hear each others plaintive questioning.
The hair was starting to rise on the back of our foursomes necks.
An odd kind of static electricity seemed to fill the air.
As if from nowhere a puddle started to form at Numfs feet………
The noise appeared to be coming from beneath them, in the mist around their feet – from the eggs. Their tops were peeling back.
And inside the eggs, instantly recognisable, was chocolate.
Large chocolate eggs, covered in gold foil.
The nearest egg to Harbi started to crack open. Everybody took an involuntary step away. And bumped into other eggs, which immediately started to crack open. This seemed to set off a chain reaction throughout the cavern. Very shortly our foursome were all standing back to back to back to back, surrounded by hundreds of eggs cracking open, with Kaant looking on like a very happy expectant mother.
“Ahhhh, babies first pley!” she chortled. “Wish I had camcorder.”
Posted by Numf-El on :
“Ummmm, excuse me Kaant,” said Numfy. “Did you say prey or play?”
“Pley,” came the reply.
“Phewwww, that’s okay then,” the daft git replied.
“No no no you daft git,” Kaant corrected, “Pley as in rots of food. As in you better start playing! AhhhHAHAHAHA!”
At that moment the top of the first egg caved in completely. Five heads turned and stared. One filled with maternal pride, the others with pant-staining fear.
Slowly from out of the depths of the chocolate egg uncurled two pink fluffy rabbit ears.
“Awwww! Cute!” said Kaant, Stacy and Harbi together.
Sonnie and Numf looked dubiously at each other.
Verrrrry dubiously.
A small rabbit face appeared beneath the cute bunny ears. Little closed baby eyes, screwed tight shut. Little cute twitchy nose. All in a cute pink fur.
Stacy beat Harbi by the smallest margin. They both bent down to pick up the hatchling, but with a swift nudge from Stacy Harbi lost her balance for long enough that Stacy managed to pick up the baby. It was the cutest little bundle of fur that any of them had ever seen. Even Kaant beamed a big smile.
Little fluffy ears were poking up all around them, distracting Harbi from the fact that Stacy had nudged her out of the way.
Victorious, Stacy turned to Harbi to gloat. “Nyah nyah nyah nyahh nyah!”
Almost as if it sensed the distraction, the babys eyelids snapped open to reveal the most evil motherf[heavily censored]ing pair of red eyes this side of Satan himself.
[ May 24, 2005, 04:40 AM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Numf-El on :
Interlude----------
If anyone's out there..... It's Easter, so I had to get that bunny and chocolate eggs in about there, the timing was crucial.
So, I'm having a break. I'm all out of chapters at the moment - look, nothing up my sleeve.
Away offshore for a week, as of Monday, so I won't be posting for a while.
Hope you're enjoying the ride - feel free to post any comments.
K'N xx
Posted by Sonnie on :
fabbo numf, loving the Easter Bunny eggs as Alien eggs thing going on, I'd almost forgotten ths was an Aliens hommage...
See you tomorrow mannie
Posted by Numf-El on :
Yeah, sorry, got slightly off track. Been trying to throw the odd bit in just to remind you though.
I must thank FC for the Immanuel Kant idea - even though it's probably passed everyone by (me too, and I researched and wrote the damned thing).
Oh, and Harbi for the Lego-lass idea.
What time you coming round tomorrow mannie?
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Ken,
Faboo! (whatever the hell that means!) This gets better and better AND BETTER and...
OK you get the idea.
But when is Lego Lass ever alone? Where is her short, adversarial, axe weilding, sidekick, Grimly?
PS More, More, More!!!!
Posted by Numf-El on :
Cheers, Chuck. It's good to hear from you.
As for Grimly - I'm sorry, but I forgot to mention that she's at home having her legs waxed...... and rumour has it getting a Brazilian at the same time. Believe it if you want.
K
Posted by Numf-El on :
And then the biggest pair of razor sharp incisors ever given to a new-born, including T-Rex and British monarchy, were shown to the world. Followed almost instantly by twenty razor sharp and very pointy claws, all of which made towards Stacys head at lightning speed.
Next to be exposed to the world was the insides of its cranium, as Sonnie stuck his fingers through its eye-sockets and ripped the top of its bastarding little head off.
The forward motion stopped the claws and teeth just short of severing major blood vessels and causing permanent scarring, and the body twitched in Stacys arms, with blood and brains pissing everywhere. Stacy looked down as the blood pulsed all over her, and screamed.
Kaant was not happy.
Posted by Numf-El on :
For half a heartbeat Kaant stared in disbelief.
And then she screamed. She screamed in a way that only mothers who have just seen their newly born childs head ripped in half could scream. Head back, to the heavens. As if her screams could cauterise the world.
It was a scream that had all of her offspring scrabbling desperately to be born. More heads popped through broken chocolate – some pointy red ruby masks, some fluffy pink bunny eared, all with the same demon-spawn eyes, and desire for flesh.
Numf grabbed at the nearest pair of bunny ears and yanked its body out of the shell.
Harbi bent and picked up some of the egg that lay broken at their feet, and put it in her pocket. Sonnie looked at her questioningly. “Sorry,” she said quietly, “ But I’m a feeling a bit pre-menstrual, and who knows when I’ll next find a shop that sells chocolate?”
Kaant had stopped screaming, and looked at the foursome, wondering which one to eat first. And then she noticed Numf.
Numf held up the baby bunny-dragon by the ears in his left hand, and his raygun in his right, pointed straight at babys head.
“I’d stop right there Kaant if I were you, unless you want baby #2 to go the same way as the first one,” said Numf.
“You basta’ I reave you til last!” screamed Kaant. “You watch me lip your fleinds rimb from rimb first!”
Resisting the temptation to steal lines from Rost In Tlanslation, Harbi tried to calm things down.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Unsuccessfully.
Hundreds of little scrabbling claws made their way across the floor and surrounded our heroes, though none attacked. There was a bond between mother and hell-spawn, and they obeyed her instinctively.
Three ray guns scanned the crowd of baby bunny-dragons, whilst Numf held #2 up as a hostage.
Kaants neck stretched out full length, and the tip of her bony nose touched Numfs.
Kaant snorted. If Numf had had hair it would have been severely ruffled.
“You get out now – the rot of you. But you should know – I kill you all. I catch you, I kill you.”
And so saying Kaant pursed her lips and blew in Numfs face. Just as Numf inhaled. Numf gagged. With the same intensity that a cat throws up a hairball. Kaants rancid dragon halitosis breath had gone deep into his lungs, and he had to try now to clean them out. He quickly handed the fluffy little bunny dragon to Sonnie who took over the offensive pose with his ray gun, and got down on all fours to help with the cleansing. He figured that if it helped his mothers fat cat to get into that position, then it would help him too. However, he had forgotten the heavy dry ice effect that covered the floor. In an attempt to fill his lungs with clean air, Numf took a great big breath, accidentally inhaling the sulphur laden smoke. He quickly stood up again, blowing pale yellow smoke-rings. Obviously disorientated by the whole proceedings.
Kaant laughed. Nastily.
Harbi turned her head sideways to Stacy and whispered in her ear. Stacy handed her ray gun to Harbi, and turned her attention to Numf. Rody had been given a prime location, stuffed nicely in Harbis lycra top, cushioned on both sides. This left Harbi with a hand for each gun. Harbi then turned to Sonnie and whispered in his ear. Stacy took Numfs hand and started to remove his Flight Ring.
But being disorientated, Numf had no idea what was going on, only that someone was stealing his big shiny ring. And Numf didn’t like the idea of anyone getting their hands on his big shiny ring. He was proud of his big shiny ring. So proud in fact that he secretly polished it under the covers in bed every night. To keep it gleaming and bright.
Numf started squirming to get his hand free, and when Stacy grabbed at it again he started slapping with both hands, in a way that you see three-year-old boys fighting.
Stacy stared in disbelief for a second or two, shaking her head. Tempting though it was, she couldn’t deck him one or else he would end up with a couple of hundred baby bunny-dragons pouncing on him.
So she kicked him in the shin.
“OOOOwwwww!” Numf exclaimed, as he tried to hop and slap at the same time. His balance lost, he started toppling, arms spinning to try and keep him on his feet.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Stacy grabbed Numf by the front of his shirt, pulling out a handful of hairs as she did so. She was keenly aware of Kaant keeping a very close eye on everything. When Numf started to complain about the defoliation of his chest Stacy pulled him towards her and kissed him firmly on the lips. After a moments surprise, Numf kissed back. He may have been surprised, but that didn’t mean that he was complaining at all.
Stacys arms went around Numfs back, and one hand moved up to the back of his head to hold him in place, lest he start hopping again. Stacy started probing with her tongue. Numf relaxed, compliant.
“Jeez, looeeze – gerra room, whydoncha?” said Kaant.
Stacy continued probing. And then relaxed. Numf probed back for a second. He wrapped his arms around Stacys back, and slipped his hands into her back pockets, turning her away from Kaant in the process.
After some further tongue dexterity they separated. Numf had come at least slightly back to his senses. It was obvious that part of him at least was fully back to its senses.
“You need to clean your teeth Numf. Your mouth tastes like you’ve been eating matches,” said Stacy.
Numf took his ray gun and accepted bunny dragon #2 back from Sonnie.
“So, Kannt, are you really going to just let us walk out of here?” Harbi asked, with a large dose of doubt in her voice.
“Closs my heart, hope to die,” said Kaant, clossing her heart with one talon. It was difficult to tell if the smirk on her face was truly evil, or just an effect caused by the fact that her face was made of scales and hard, bony armour. Either way, it wasn’t a smirk to trust.
Posted by Numf-El on :
At a flick of the head from Kaant the bunny-dragons behind our foursome moved to the side, to create a passage towards the exit. They edged along this passage, keeping a constant eye on the evil babies all around, and the big red mama behind them.
They reached the exit without any problems, Numf taking up the rear, facing backwards to show Kaant that he still had the baby hostage.
As soon as they turned the corner Numf dropped the baby and they all started running. Stacy handed Numf her ray gun as they ran.
The baby screamed for it’s mother. All hell broke out behind them.
“It’s a good thing that you know Morse Code,” said Stacy to Numf as they started ascending the stairs.
“Huh????” came the reply.
“You know – that secret message with the tongues back there….. Wait, don’t tell me, you thought you were just getting a snog, didn’t you!” said Stacy, exasperatedly. “So why did you take off your ring and slip it in my back pocket?”
“I knew you wanted it, and I reckoned that kiss was well worth the price.”
“So you don’t know what the plan is, then?” asked Harbi from in front.
“Umm, running away very quickly?”
“Well, now you mention it, since you’ve given away our hostage I guess that’s about it really,” said Sonnie.
Numf looked back, and quickly wished he hadn’t. Hundreds of small pink / red fluffy / shiny evil hellspawn were rapidly gaining ground on them. Some were running, others bounding, and yet others flying. And in the middle of them was one very pissed off Kaant. The size of her had impeded exit from the birthing cave, so she’d burst her way out, screaming for blood! She totally missed the irony that a dozen of her offspring were obliterated by the flying masonry.
Numf was unable in his terror to make any coherant words, but from the pant-wetting cry he made his companions guessed that they may just be in trouble.
Posted by Numf-El on :
As they neared the top of the stairs a figure hove into view. Pointing a black plastic arrow down at our heroes. Sonnie was unable to stop. Lego-lass saw her mistake too late, and was unable to get out of the way in time. For the second time that day bits of plastic went flying everywhere.
Sonnie stopped to help, but Harbi grabbed his arm.
“We don’t have time for this – look behind us,” she told him.
Stacy had reached the top of the stairs, closely followed by Numf, who turned and started firing the ray guns at the hoarde on his heels.
He screamed, as much in relief at being able to do something as in fear.
The first mass of furry dragon bunnies died immediately, but the hard shelled babies who took after their mother (ooh look, they’ve got their mothers eyes) faired better. However their siblings bore the brunt of the laser fire that ricocheted from their ruby hides.
“GET OUT OF HERE!” Numf screamed at his brother, best friend and new girlfriend. “I’ll keep them back!”
Instinctively all three turned and ran. Sometimes you’ve got to hold back the baddies for long enough to let the girlies escape. It’s the done thing. Either that or young Numfs brain was still buggered from sniffing sulphur fumes. Lets think nicely of him for a change and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Luckily for Numf the guns had been charged recently. The babies were getting very close now, only a small number of steps away.
Behind him his friends had reached the relative safety of the lift shaft. Sonnie had taken point and led the way in case there were any nasty surprises in store for them. There hadn’t been. They all turned and looked back at him.
“Come on, Numfy!” shouted Harbi. Numfy couldn’t hear her for the sound of exploding fluffies, discharging bolts of intense heat, and the cacophony of squeaks and screams.
He took a step backwards. They were almost at toe-biting range. Which of course meant that they were also within kicking range. Firing all the time. Twin streams of blistering light. Swipe of foot at nearest fluffy.
In much the same way that early bi-planes in the First World War had a real problem with shooting off their own propellers Numf really should have synchronised things a bit better. The tip of his right boot was sliced off, close enough so that his sock caught fire. Some impromptu Highland sword dancing later - without the kilt or swords, so I guess it was just dancing, in fact since it was Numf I guess we can rule out dancing as well – so, some rather intense jumping about later the fire at his toes was out, but there were half a dozen hellspawn clambering up his legs.
Kaant was getting SOOOOOO much closer too. Most of the babies were quick enough to get out of her way.
Posted by Numf-El on :
No-one had ever explained to Stacy exactly how to make Legion Flight Rings work. However, that didn’t matter to her. She threw herself headlong down the corridor to rescue Numf from the dragon bunnies that were crawling up his body, biting and scratching. If anyone was to bite and scratch their way up Numfs body she was damned sure it was going to be her!
No-one had explained to her that each individual Flight Ring only worked for the person to whom it was allocated. It read the users DNA or some such shit. Psionically linked to the users brainwaves. Some pish like that.
What it meant, however, was that it didn’t work for Stacy.
As she found when she landed face first in the walkway grating. And bounced once before falling in a crumpled heap. It would have done her absolutely no good to know that apart from the DNA issue she would have flown perfectly.
If it hadn’t been for the seriousness of the moment, Sonnie and Harbi would have done themselves severe internal injuries laughing. In fact they both subconsciously planned to do just that as soon as they had a spare moment. It ranked up there alongside Numfys chicken-attempting-to-fly impersonations when he first received his Flight Ring.
“You get her, I’ll get Numf,” said Sonnie, as he launched himself along the walkway.
Harbi raced back to pick up Stacy, as Sonnie broke supersonic speeds along a 50 yard stretch of walkway.
Kaant didn’t want to fry half of her offspring, so she left off breathing fire at Numf. Instead she decided to bite his head off. She had been planning to keep him alive and torture him over the course of a couple of months, but sod that! Sometimes you just have to go with the moment.
Carpe diem.
Or did that have something to do with catching fish today? Whatever.
Kaants neck stretched forward, her head twisting through 90 degrees. She closed her eyes to allow her to concentrate on the taste and sensation of decapitated Numf. She slammed her jaws shut. On cold air.
She opened her eyes again to see Sonnie flying away down the corridor holding Numf by the back of his collar. Dragon bunnies fell from Numfs body and bounced along the walkway.
Ahead of him she could see Harbi and Stacy disappearing through a hole in the lift door, which seemed to be exactly where Sonnie was heading.
Kaant and the dragon bunnies stopped dead in their tracks.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Harbinger held both of Stacys hands in one of hers. They flew upwards towards the minute pinprick of lights which was still 83 storeys above.
Stacy was still slightly concussed from the fall she’d had just a matter of seconds ago, and hung limply.
Harbi looked beneath her and made out Sonnies shape coming into the lift shaft. There was little in the way of light coming through the hole in the lift door, but Harbi assumed that he had his brother with him, otherwise he would have called after her.
Behind them, Kaant had made up her mind. They weren’t going to get away from her!
She took a deep breath, lifted her head to the ceiling and let out a bellow!!!!!
All of her brood tried to copy her, but being newly hatched it was the equivalent of listening to the shouts at an Under 15 football match, any netball match ever, or the crowd at a McFly concert. All treble and no bass. Not a drop of testosterone amongst the lot of them.
Kaant walked resolutely over to the lift and smashed the door in using her tail. Then she took a deep breath and bellowed again, this time straight up the lift shaft.
Up above the echo chamber effect of the lift shaft created turbulence, buffetting our heroes, slamming them back and fore against the sides of the shaft, slowing them down. Harbi and Stacy escaped the worst, but Sonnie and Numf were flung into the lift doorway alcove at level 79, which stopped their progress completely.
Beneath them Kaant had started flapping her wings. Very quickly she managed to lift off, gaining speed as she gained height. Getting quicker with each flap.
Sonnie had to shake his head to clear it – he’d taken quite a knock when they’d been flung into the alcove.
Numf noticed the great shadowy bulk getting closer, taking up most of the space within the shaft. He instinctively started shooting at her, but the rays that ricocheted upwards held more danger to himself than to her.
She was rapidly gaining on them, and this time she could use her fire without worrying about her babies.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Kaant flew up to be level with Sonnie and Numf. She figured that it would be better to watch the whole agonising burning to death sequence if at all possible, rather than just plummeting blackened bodies.
She hovered.
Numfy had given up with the ray guns. They were of no use at all in their present predicament.
Sonnie was still kind of groggy.
Kaant inhaled deeply.
“Before you fry us, Kaant, I’d just like to say one thing,” said Numf, matter-of-factly.
Kaant let out her breath. “Warrizzit?”
“You’re sooooo fu-cking u-gly!” Numf said, articulating each syllable.
Kaant laughed briefly. Sharply. “Now you die.” And breathed in deeply again …………….
Suddenly a small white flash from above hit Kaant straight between the eyes. Her head dropped sharply, almost breaking her neck. Her wings stopped flapping, and she plummeted 20 storeys before crashing into the remains of the lift. Oh, and another 27 of her young that had been peering up the shaft to try and find out what was going on.
The small white flash had come to a dead halt. It stood in the air opposite Numf and Sonnie, beaming a great big-toothed grin.
“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,” said Numf earnestly. “You’re my hero, Rody.”
Rody gave a mid-air bow, with a flourish of his cape. He stood up straight again. From behind his back he brought forth a Legion Flight Ring, which he passed to Numf.
Harbi had been aware that there had been problems back down the lift shaft, but her main priority had been to get Stacy to safety. Thankfully Rody had been conscious and, although enjoying the ride, more than willing to go to the rescue.
Numf slipped it on his finger.
“Rody, can you take Sonnie?” asked Numf urgently. “He’s had a bang on the head and I don’t know if he can fly at the moment.” Rody looked at Numf quizzically, as if to ask why he couldn’t do it himself. Then shrugged and nodded his head, squeaking in a positive manner. Almost as if the writer had forgotten about the universal transplants that meant that Numf could understand Rodys rat language, and vice versa. Oops.
“Good, ‘cos that means that I can watch your tails.”
Posted by Numf-El on :
Rody flew upwards, pulling a dazed Sonnie behind him.
Up above Harbi and Stacy had already reached the open doors at the top of the shaft. To their delight Marvin was there waiting for them, hovering just above the ground.
He extended the gangplank for them, however neither of the girls wanted to climb on board until they were sure that the boys were safe.
Seconds passed like hours.
Down below, Rody and Sonnie were making quick progress up the shaft.
Numf was travelling more slowly. Travelling upwards, but looking down.
By the time that Numf had got to the 45th floor Kaant had recovered, and was angrier than a hive full of very angry bees.
She kept her rage to herself, knowing that she would very shortly be able to vent it. On Numf.
“Hey, guys, I’d get a move on if I were you!” shouted Numf up the lift shaft as he heard the deep, rhythmic flapping of Kaants wings starting below him.
Even that rhythmic flapping had a sense of purpose. The lack of any other noise from Kaant scared Numf more than her previous bellowing had.
Numf quickened his pace, passing the 30th floor, trying to time things properly.
20th.
Kaant was gaining. Only 10 floors beneath him now.
9.
8.
That’d be just about perfect.
Numf had set the ray guns to the maximum KILLDESTROYMAIM setting. He let go two volleys from both guns and then accelerated upwards .
“Nyah! Missed me!” came the sneering voice from beneath him, still gaining as Numf accelerated.
“I meant too!” puffed Numf as the exertion took hold. He battled to escape Kaants clutches.
Kaant had barely time to look confused before the volcanic blast, freed by Numfs laser, caught up with her.
The laser had punctured the mantle right above the already swollen high pressure mass of molten magma. It was just what it had been waiting for.
The four initial jets which forced themselves out of the minute holes in the earths crust were travelling at 7 miles a second, and the massive volcanic explosion was not to be too far behind it.
The jets hit Kaant right on the arse.
Deep frying her tail within the hard dragon shell. This sent her careering out of control, ricocheting from side to side up the lift shaft.
Up above, Numf was escaping through the lift doors. He waved his friends aboard as he flew the last few metres to the spaceship. By the time he reached the ship Marvin had started to retract the gangplank and close the doorway. Numf fell inside just as the initial blast of boiling air caused by the shockwaves from the volcano hit the ship.
Thankfully for all concerned, Marvin was an expert at flying his spaceship under all circumstances. He could fly it underwater. He could fly it in outerspace.
He had, in fact, piloted it against attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. He had even watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. Not something that many people could claim to have done.
So, a bit of turbulence caused by an exploding volcano was nothing that he couldn’t handle.
The others, however, felt as if they were in a huge, very hot tumble drier. They were thrown against walls and ceilings and floors, for quite a few seconds - four or five, in fact – before Marvin could fly them free of the hot blast.
They picked themselves off of the floor and went through to the main viewing area, which enabled them to watch the exploding mountain behind them.
They all stood in jaw-dropped awe.
Marvin remained at the helm, but managed to watch it all on CCTV. He knew of a few TV stations that would pay handsomely for these pictures.
The chiropractic, or possibly even pyroclastic, flumes of black smoke filled the air. Spewing ash and glass over what would eventually be thousands of square miles. Rivers of red lava could be seen running slowly, but inexorably, towards El Asticpants from the large crater where the lift shaft had stood until recently.
Slowly but surely the town was engulfed, with the Hilton finally collapsing completely into the lava flow.
And then the smoke completely obscured their view.
It looked like they could finally relax.
[ April 29, 2005, 04:49 AM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Harbinger on :
oooooh, somehow me thinks that aint the end yet Ken. More, more, more!
B
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Remind me never to drink coffee when I read Dragons, 'cause I wind up choking or sputtering.... morse code kissing? **snort**
Hooray for Rody! My hero!
Posted by Numf-El on :
quote:Originally posted by Harbinger: oooooh, somehow me thinks that aint the end yet Ken. More, more, more!
B
Damn, you guessed! I suppose I'll have to do something now, and not just sneak off .......
Posted by Numf-El on :
quote:Originally posted by Fat Cramer: [QB] Remind me never to drink coffee when I read Dragons, 'cause I wind up choking or sputtering.... morse code kissing? **snort**
Hooray for Rody! My hero!
Sorry about the coffee FC - hopefully this'll make up for it.
and you've probably noticed, but he's my hero too.
K'N
Posted by Numf-El on :
They finally moved away from the window and went to the comfortable living quarters. Stacy went to make them all drinks, while Numf parked his fat lazy arse on the comfy sofa. He squirmed uncomfortably, reaching into his back pocket. “Sitting on a bit of Lego’s not a good idea, is it?” he asked, looking at the piece of green plastic in his hand.
“We never did manage to save Lego-Lass, did we?” asked Sonnie rhetorically. “He looked sad for a few seconds. “Oh well.”
He walked over to where his brother sat. “May I?” he asked, hand out.
“Yeah, okay. But why?” Numf asked.
“I guess I feel kinda guilty. She wasn’t our enemy, but she was still destroyed due to us,” he said.
“Whaddya mean ‘us’? It was you who broke her into thousands of bits. Twice!” said Numf, nevertheless handing over the last surviving piece. Sonnie sighed, and took off for a slow walk around the ship.
“I guess he’s feeling all out of sorts after that knock on the head,” said Numf over his shoulder to Rody, who was sitting on the back of the sofa. “I’m sure he’ll be fine. Thanks for getting him out of there, my friend.”
“Squeak,” said Rody.
Harbi, meantime had gone for a quiet chat with Marvin. “So, did you get everything that I asked you to?” she enquired, quietly, not wishing to be overheard.
Marvin nodded. “And I checked the title deeds and wills as you asked as well,” said Marvin.
“And?” asked Harbi.
“As you suspected it was pretty tangled. Each and every will that I could find in all three lawyers offices are inter-related. Turns out they really were a tight knit community,” Marvin said.
“In what way?” asked Harbi.
“Every will passes all monies and real estates on to someone else who lived within the community. In such a way that it all became a loop,” explained Marvin not very clearly.
“Huh?” asked Harbi.
“Well, no single person would receive the monies from two deaths. And if you follow the trail all the way through then it ends up right at the start again,” explained Marvin.
“Right, so how much is she worth?” asked Harbi.
“One hundred and seventy six billion in adjusted dollars, give or take a few cents. And that’s based on the last noted property values of about five years ago,” said Marvin.
Harbi whistled softly.
“wow “All through LIC?” Harbi asked, fully expecting the nod in reply that she received.
“So, who was due to get the money from her if she should die?” asked Harbi, just to make sure that there wasn’t going to be some kind of problem in the future.
“Someone called Shatner,” replied Marvin.
“Oh good. We saw him killed,” said Harbi, and quickly went on to explain to Marvin.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Stacy put the tray of drinks down on the table next to Numfy and handed him his drink.
“One tall skinny milk, just like you wanted,” she said, dropping down on to the seat next to him. “I see that your friend Marvin keeps lizards on his ship,” said Stacy conversationally.
“Not that I’m aware of,” said Numfy, looking quizzically at the woman that he’d fallen head over heels in love with. “What makes you say that?” he asked.
“Well, I found this in the galley,” Stacy said, reaching into her pocket and taking out a small black and yellow object about the size of a little finger, wrapped in a piece of kitchen roll.
“What’s that?” Numf asked.
“Well, I’m no expert, but it looks like the tail of a Salamandra salamandra,” answered Stacy.
“Umm, let me guess. A salamander?”
“Well, yes. A Fire salamander to be more precise. Traditional folklore held that salamanders could survive in fire; the term "salamander" actually comes from an Arab term for "lives in fire." The Fire Salamander in particular owes its name to these myths,” replied Stacy.
“Poor bugger, getting it’s tail ripped off,” said Numf.
“Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s a protective instinct. They grow them back eventually,” explained Stacy, who was obviously a lot more of an expert than she had previously let on.
Numf took a large mouthful of his cold milk.
Stacy was quite surprised to see Numf projectile vomit the milk across the room.
But not half as surprised as she was to see the red spearlike tail rip him in half.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Numf-El only had a flickering of time to register Stacys look of surprise turn to shock before the spark that was his life was snuffed out.
Which was kind of lucky for him, because he wouldn’t have liked seeing his top half thrown in one direction and his bottom in the other.
Nor all the blood and other liquids sprayed all over the room, and all over Rody and Stacy.
At least it wouldn’t be up to him to clean it up.
******************
“You crever girlie,” said Kaant barely above a whisper.
Stacy stood there in wide-eyed shock, splattered in her new boyfriends blood, slapped by his entrails. She couldn’t believe that she was standing here facing the giant red dragon that they had all thought killed. And who had now killed Numfy. She might not have fallen in love with him, but she’d been having a hell of a lot of fun.
“H h h h how…..?” asked Stacy, the terror of the situation slowly welling up her from her feet. She would have backed away from the monster in front of her, but her feet felt like they had been turned into very large, heavy blocks of ice.
“Your boyfliend not tell you I can change?” asked Kaant. “Sirry bugger! I change to saramander when lava hit me – mythical fire saramander who can rive in fire.”
“But how could you turn into a mythical animal?” asked Stacy.
“What ,you think dragon a normal, evelyday animal?”
“Well, now you mention it….”
“I rand in doorway of spaceship when you hit by terburance,” continued Kaant. “After lava hit me my tail was cooked, so I got rid of it and glow another - I see you find my old one – and then change back to dragon. But this time bigger, faster, better, nastier dragon. So I can kill everyone. And you’re next.”
********
“And I managed to get a confession from Michael J. Hunt and his cohorts,” said Marvin to Harbinger. “That was a good idea of yours to pick up a DVD camcorder from one of the electronic hardware shops.”
“Good, they didn’t give you any trouble, did they?”
“No, not at all, they seemed very talkative. I promised them a change of bodycasts once you’d viewed the footage. I think that convinced them,” Marvin explained.
“Eugh! What’s that?” asked Harbi suddenly, pointing at the small, red and brown object scampering it’s way in through the door of the bridge.
“Squeak!” shreiked Rody, for it was he, having sneaked out for help while Stacy distracted Kaant.
“no!” whispered Harbi.
[ May 09, 2005, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Harbinger on :
"no!" Indeed! I'd forgotten abou Bishop! ooooh it's gettting scary again Numf. I it!
Hope all is well mannie
Posted by Numf-El on :
Sonnies walk around the ship hadn’t taken very long, and he still really wanted some quiet time to himself.
As he sat on the smallest seat in the spaceship he contemplated the small green piece of plastic in his hand. There was a kind of poetic justice that he should end up here in Marvins nephews playroom.
He knew that he must look ridiculous sitting on a very small childs bright red seat, but he didn’t care, his six feet five frame at ludicrous angles as he rested his chin on his knees, one arm wrapped around his legs.
He looked up briefly when he heard a wet thump on the bulkhead, but since there was no other noise to be heard he reverted to his contemplating.
He held the small plastic brick up at eye level.
“Alas, poor Lego-lass – I ….”
That was the point when he heard Rodys squeak from the bridge.
Confusion changed very quickly to anger. Fear to rage. Shock to madness. REVENGE!
Within two seconds Sonnie was flying at twice the speed of sound through the very small ship. Travelling at such a high speed means that it doesn’t take very long to get from one end to the other. And it’s a bugger to stop safely too!
Catching her by surprise, Sonnie slammed into the side of Kaants head and knocked her off her feet.
She landed with a thump, which unbalanced the trajectory of Marvins spaceship, sending it steeply upwards.
Kaant picked herself up at about the same time that Sonnie managed to gain his own balance.
“Tha’ hur’!” exclaimed Kaant. “I kir you rike I did your brova! For kirring my babies! You toast rittle boy.”
She plodded menacingly towards Sonnie.
“Take a rast rook at your brova before you join him,” Kaant said.
Stacy was still rooted to the spot. She had gone into shock. And although she wanted with every fibre of her body to turn and run, she just couldn’t. She couldn’t even speak.
Harbi had raced to help out, entering the hold just as Sonnie was distracted by the sight of his brothers legs thrown into one corner in a puddle of a sticky red liquid. Sonnie stood there briefly, and then dropped to his knees. Tears fell down his face.
Kaant was midway through raising her front leg to claw Sonnie to death.
“HEY!” shouted Harbi, waving her arms. “Over here!”
Kaant turned her head slowly to face Harbi, and put her front claw down.
“I s’pose I could take a few seconds out of my day to kick your ass. No. Scratch that. To dismember you. Slowly and painfully. Sonnie’ll still be here when I get back,” explained Kaant.
Harbi could see that Kaant was changed from their earlier encounter. She had obviously upgraded her armour and weaponry. Amongst other things her armour plates looked thicker and redder. Big, razor sharp blades ran the length of her back, from head to tip of tail. Her claws were bigger and sharper, and her mouth had developed rows of pin sharp teeth.
And her eyes held a glint of madness instead of the normal calculating evil. Which made her very unpredictable.
[ May 20, 2005, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Numf-El on :
Harbi turned and ran.
Posted by Harbinger on :
Bloody right too! Discretion being the better part of Valour and all tht Posted by Numf-El on :
Not only was discretion the better part of valour, and all that, but taking the fight into the hold / viewing gallery / general living area would have meant severe and instant danger to Sonnie and Stacy, who were both out of it at the moment.
There was no hope at all for Numf, but there would be time enough for mourning once they were all out of here alive. What the hell, Harbi had seen him legless before!
Harbi knew that as soon as she had got Kaant out of the hold, Marvin and Rody would be in to rescue Sonnie and Stacy, so she had to keep her away for as long as possible.
But where to go? It wasn’t a big ship, so there weren’t that many options available.
Past the door to the bridge Harbi went, hoping that Kaant would follow, rather than searching all of the options.
Thankfully it worked. Kaant had taken a while getting her speed up, due to her increased size and weight. Harbi had been counting on this, it gave her a head start. But she had to make sure that Kaant knew where she had gone so that she could follow.
“Ah – in here,” said Harbi to anyone that was listening. Which in this case was no-one.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Harbi climbed quickly over the boxes and crawled through the conveniently open HVAC vent behind, through to the adjoining room, the sickbay.
She ignored the grunted questions of the immobilised traitors and sneaked back out into the corridor after she heard Kaant pass, just in time to see the tip of her tail disappear into the room.
Using the door manual over-ride button Harbi closed the door to Marvins personal quarters. She then opened the panel and pulled a few wires out. Thankfully this disabled the door opening mechanism, rather than immediately opening the door again.
Inside Kaant found herself faced with three walls of wooden crates.
“Come out come out wherever you are!” said Kaant in a sweet little singsong voice. “ I know you’re in here! I saw you come in.” Her voice was losing that playful quality. “Come out rittle piggy or I brow your fu’in’ house down! Rast chance!”
Just what Harbi had been waiting for.
Harbi was one of the few people that knew of Marvin’s fetish. She had accidently caught him once in flagrante delicto. She didn’t know who had been more embarrassed. It had never been spoken about. What the hell, live and let live. Whatever floats your boat. Whatever gets you through the night, it’s alright. One mans taste is another mans perversion. And he was stuck alone on his spaceship for long periods of time. By himself.
But it didn’t hurt anyone, and some secrets were best kept. So who was she to judge?
She had been very, very glad to see the stacked boxes in his room – he had obviously stocked up with supplies.
Instant…….
Kaant took a deep breath and let it out. “I’ll huff, and I’ll puff….,” she uttered before she took a deep breath again.
….. Buttered ………
Kaant held her breath and said “…And I’ll blow your house down!” And so saying she sprayed a semi-circle of mega-napalm-breath around the room. This wasn’t your normal dragon fire. This was super, mega, hyper dragon fire.
The room exploded. And kept exploding. And continued to explode. And exploded some more. And then, just when you thought it had finished it exploded some more. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang!
……… Popcorn.
Posted by Numf-El on :
Even in the present circumstances Harbinger couldn't resist a laugh to herself at the thought of Kaant stuck in a room full of exploding popcorn.
There was so much popcorn that a large amount had come through the HVAC vent that Harbi had escaped through, and a small number of pieces were rolling out of the sickbay door.
Harbi had to laugh, or she would cry. There was so much raw emotion built up in her that it had to come out somehow. She knew that the tears would come eventually, but a few laughs were less life threatening for now.
Marvin, on his way back to the relative safety of the bridge with a stunned looking Stacy over his shoulders, just about crumpled into a ball when he noticed the escaping popcorn and realised the obvious explanation.
Harbi couldn't help herself laugh even more when she noticed his unconscious reaction when the smell hit him. 47 boxes of corn. Turned into popcorn. Pre-buttered. Still popping away merrily to itself.
Poor Marvin. He looked ever so embarrassed. He shuffled away, red faced.
Harbi shook her head. Bringing her focus back to the present she vowed to make it up to Marvin - he was one of the good guys.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Say it ain't so Ken, Please make it not be so...
The Numfster Kaant be dead, He just Kaant!
MORE, MORE, MORE, Ya Bastich!
Posted by Numf-El on :
Your wish is my command - just this once though, so don't get your hopes up..........
Here's a bit more more more for ya.
I don't know about Numf though - he's been ripped in half and all of his blood will have drained out of him by now......
Ummm, is there a doctor in the house?
-----------------------------
It's amazing, the acoustic softening qualities of 4 tons of buttered popcorn.
However, Kaants screams were still loud and shrill enough for Harbi, Marvin and Stacy to clearly hear ever single word that she screamed.
"I KILL YOU ALL YOU F[censored]ERS!!!!"
Stacy reacted with a start, scurrying down off of Marvins shoulder and running down the corridor into the old playroom, whimpering.
Marvin glanced guiltily at Harbinger.
"Don't follow her - leave her be. You pilot the ship, get us the hell out of here Marvin - straight up!" said Harbinger encouragingly.
"Hey Harbi," Marvin said over his shoulder as he entered the bridge.
"Yeah Marv?"
"This is going to be one to tell the grand kids, isn't it!"
"It sure as hell is!" agreed Harbi.
"A real 9 point 5 on the sphincter scale," said Marvin, and closed the door behind himself.
Harbi couldn't help but agree.
[ May 20, 2005, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Numf-El on :
They were going to die. They were all going to die. They had killed her babies and they would die. One gone, five to go. Five slow painful deaths to savour. Or quick ones - they'd work too. She'd remember Numfs death for a LOOOOOONG time to come.
Kaant had to fight down her desire to explode. The anger and tension in her body had to be calmed. She had to think rather than just reacting.
Here she was trapped under a mountain of stick, buttery stuff with no room to move. Come to think of it, it wasn't as unpleasant a sensation as she had first thought....... Hmmmmm.....
No, get thinking!
She was still in too much pain from her last two transformations to even contemplate a third one at the moment.
Perhaps she could........
Yeah! Eat her way out!
Popcorn. Not one of her favourite, but all she had to do was eat her way to a wall.
With a mouth the size of a large dragon it doesn't take too long to eat such a vast amount of popcorn.
When she reached the wall she had to focus. She had to concentrate. Hard.
Pursing her lips to as small a hole as possible she turned on her dragon breath. This wasn't the big red and yellow flame that dragons were known for. This was a small bright blue 'oxy-aceteline' steel cutting flame.
For cutting through steel.
Steel walls.
Posted by Numf-El on :
SMASH !!!! !!!!! !!!!!
The sound of a collapsing metal wall reverberated through the ship. With the ship angled up steeply, this large metal panel slid across the floor of the sick-bay,
SKKREEEECHing nastily. The kind that left an after-ring in your ears and scrambled your brain ever so slightly.
An avalanche of popcorn flowed out over the floor exposing a very buttery dragon. She shook her head to get the popcorn out of her ears, in much the same way that a wet dog shakes itself. With feeling!
Automatically she let loose with with an arc of red / yellow / agent orange type of dragon breath.
Harbi peeked around the corner of the door, and then withdrew her head quickly. Just in time before the liquid flame hit the door.
Kaant opened her eyes, and saw before her three very large marshmallows. Big and white and melting as if on a stick in the middle of an open fire. They were all held up by string at each end.
She was feeling slightly light-headed from all of the steel cutting that she'd had to do - it had taken a lot of concentration - and she felt a bit giggly.
Big white marshmallows looked fabby!
The popcorn hadn't really filled her up, but looking at the size of the marshmallows they might do the trick.
With one bite she took a snap out of all three. She was a big dragon now, and she had a big appetite.
She chewed. The after-ring of the skreeching metal was finally wearing off, and it sounded like there was the echo of a scream in the accoustically harsh minimalist room with her.
Oh well.
The big marshmallows may have looked all big and hot and melty, but it hadn't been the sweet sickly taste that she'd expected......
"Yeeeeeuch!" she said, spitting out a mouthful. "They tas'e li'e shiiiiii' !" She did that horrible spitting and spitting and spitting thing to get the horrible taste out of her mouth.
Three sets of upper torsos/ arms and three sets of legs dripped blood onto pristine white bedding.
Outside Harbi puked. The screams still span around inside her ears. She promised herself that this was one story she'd never tell her grandchildren.
[ May 20, 2005, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: Numf-El ]
Posted by Numf-El on :
Stacy was terrified.
Mortified.
And petrified.
And lets not forget horrified.
She lay curled up in the corner of the playroom, with the blackboard leaning against the wall, shielding her.
Unlike the sickbay, the playroom was not covered in hard, cold linoleum tiles. It was thick, plush carpet. nice and soft on small tiny feet, but a bugger to get Ribena out of.
Therefore Stacy didn't hear the pitter patter of tiny feet.
Sobbing to herself she couldn't make out the pulling of string through a tiny aperture, nor its release.
She did, however, hear the small metallic voice ask " Excuse me Ma'am, may we be of assitance?"
Posted by Numf-El on :
Stacey looked over her shoulder through tear swollen eyes and saw yet an unbelievable sight. And considering what she'd seen in the last few days that was an expression that couldn't be taken lightly.
There in front of her was a GI Joe doll. Numf would have called it, more accurately, an Action Man. Naked apart from its boots and a sleek gun-metal semi-automatic pistol in its hand. The gun hand seemed rigid and unadaptable, index finger pointed and the rest curled into the hand, fistlike. No genitals to talk of, which was odd really for such a seemingly masculine toy. This one had 'real' dark brown hair, a scar down its right cheek and its left forearm missing. Probably the result of a foray into enemy territory. Or else some little bugger had pulled it off. It had a dog tag hanging down from a small hole in its chest, which seemed to be riddled with a circular pattern of holes. Too regular for machine gun fire.
It stood as near to attention as it could. Considering the lack of clothes, half an arm and the fact it had a gun in its other hand it still had a certain amount of military grace.
This strange looking apparition looked Stacy in the eye. Unblinkingly.
There was something of the Ray Harryhausen about him.
Using his pistol to tug out the dog tag and release it he spoke again. His lips didn't move, the voice coming from the holes in his chest.
"Officer Sheridan, Ma'am, how may we be of service?"
"How? What? Why? When? HUUUUUUH!" said Stacy, with as much confusion as she could muster.
Posted by Numf-El on :
"The bravest animals in the land, Are Captain Beaky and his band....."
Well, that's absolute Grade A horse manure. A large pile of the fresh, steamy kind.
The bravest animal in the land is Rody the Super Rat.
Bar none.
Captain Beaky's a wuss compared to Rody, and as for Timid Toad and Batty Bat, well just don't get me started .......
If I said that he was fearless, then I'd be wrong. But then, if he was fearless then he couldn't be classed as brave, because he wouldn't know any better. He'd just be stupid, not brave.
Rody feared. Rody had been hurt badly in the past by Kaant. Near-death badly. Rody had every reason to fear.
But Rody knew that, as a hero, there were certain things that had to be done. And he was the only one around here that could do them.
Sonnie had been unable to move. The only thing that seemed to be working of their own volition were his tear-ducts. Rody had managed to lead him to safety, sneaking him past a puking Harbi, the sickbay and toyroom and locking him in trap #1 in the gents toilets. He'd made sure that he was as comfortable as possible and then sneaked back out.
He was tempted to wash himself off in the sink, but knew that he didn't have a lot of time to play with. He'd just have to deal with things caked in Numfs blood.
In fact, that could be a bonus ........
Posted by Numf-El on :
Harbis head was swimming round and round. Her balance was failing her.
But worst of all, her boots were covered in chunks of carrot and liquid chocolate. That was unforgivable.
That'd be going on her expenses form.
She staggered back towards the hold, at an angle of 45° due to the fact that Marv was taking the ship up, just as Harbi had instructed,
Behind her she heard Kaant stomping through the sickbay , heading to the door.
Harbi almost managed to duck into the hold before a spray of liquid fire came after her. Fortunately for Harbi her outfit was flame retardant.
Unfortunately for Harbi her hair wasn't.
She felt the heat surround her as she moved behind the door frame, and then smelled the unmistakable smell of burning hair.
Thankfully it was only the ends that were burning, but she still had to be quick about patting it out before the crinkling fire reached her scalp.
This was too much. Someone up there was taking the piss!
Posted by Numf-El on :
Interlude----------
Well, in case anyone's keeping score somewhere, that's a year that I've been posting this story.
Just thought you might like to know.
End Interlude ----------------------
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Haven't been keeping score, Numf, sorry, didn't know it was a requirement...
But I have been enjoying every installment, so keep em coming...
More, More, More!!!!!
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
No Chuck, not a requirement. I was just wondering if anyone had noticed. (Gawd, I'm starting to sound like Eeyore now.)
Anyway, here's some more for ya...
-------------------------
Harbi turned to face her enemy, but before she could get herself into the patented Harbi heroic pose - which may not have looked quite as heroic as normal, what with the puke stains and the smoking hair - Kaant was on her. Harbi had spent too long jumping on the spot trying to pat out the fire in her hair and Kaant had taken the opportunity to pounce.
And pounce she had, much like a cat on a mouse, or one of those South American wolf-type things that live in the long grass up the Andes. (A maned wolf - thanks Internet.)
Unfortunately for all involved she hadn't taken into account the low ceiling height throughout the ship. This, coupled with the angle of the ships flight meant that she smashed off of the ceiling and went spinning down the length of the hold in the same manner as Bambis first venture onto ice. Legs akimbo, spinning as she went.
Luckily for Harbi Kaant didn't actually land on top of her.
Unluckily for Harbi one of Kaants razor sharp claws did grab ahold of her as she span past.
This sudden shift in weight within the ship changed its centre of gravity, and therefore its line of flight, steepening its angle.
Up through the upper atmosphere the ship flew, out into the black of space.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Stacy looked on in amazement. Tears ran down her face, but she had a glint in her eyes and a strangely serene smile on her lips.
It was like a dream of Xmas she had when she was four years old. She looked around in wonder.
Yet she knew that the nightmare ride was only moments away.
And then the Lego spoke to her.
"Officer Sheridan, we need your help," the Lego said.
"But, but, how do you know my name?" she asked.
"It says it on your police badge," the Lego said. If the Lego had eyes it would have rolled them theatrically at this point.
There had been barely enough Lego in the box to make half a head. But when Sonnie carelessy threw the last remaining block of Lego-lass away in his hurry to help Numf the Elfen force had still been strong enough to form a strange half facefrom the 30 or so remaining pieces of Lego in Marvins toybox. A pair of lips and half a nose now sat in the place of honour atop a beanbag on the floor in front of Stacy. The lips moved, and a strange ethereal voice could be heard.
"We need your help. We need you to marshall our troops. Otherwise we will all die. And so will you. We have to hurry - the moment of truth is upon us."
As the head had formed the Elfen force had multiplied exponentially. Now, not only did it have mastery over the Lego, but also over the strange army that surrounded Stacy.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Kaant had been pleasantly surprised when she had stopped spinning and seeing stars and had found an unconscious Harbi held tightly in her claw.
Marvin had finally stabilised the ship. The artificial gravity was turned on and it was possible to walk without falling over.
Kaant forced herself to her feet, shook her head to get rid of the cobwebs and bring her eyesight back into focus. Holding Harbi out in front of her, she took a deep breath. Out of the corner of her eye she caught a sight through the viewing port of Legionworld, framed by the darkness of space.
"Ah, barbi-ed Harbi. I been waiting a rong time to say tha'!" She took another deep breath............
Out of the corner of her eye she caught a sight through the viewing port of Legionworld, framed by the darkness of space. Distracted for the briefest second she missed the entrance of Stacy.
"Leave her alone, YOU BITCH!"
Stacy had heard it somewhere before, and it had sounded like a good line at the time. And apt for this particular situation.
Kaant changed her aim and exhaled her liquid fire at Stacy.
Stacyducked down, her shield protecting her from the intensity of the heat. But no-one would ever draw chalk clowns on this blackboard again. The black absorbed the heat and burst into flame.
Stacy stepped back from it.
She swung her right arm in a classic Pete Townsend manner and pointed at Kaant.
"ATTACK! My Lovelies!!!!!" she shouted in a strange stereo voice. Underlying tones of plastic could be heard beneath her natural vocals.
Instantly two battalions of toys emerged from behind her. They were both made up of roughly the same proportion of types. Fighting in a pincer formation.
The front lines were both made up of Weebles. They might wobble, but they certainly weren't going to fall down. No sirree! By Jove they would not fall!
However, they didn't move very quickly, and were quickly swamped by Care Bears and Cabbage Patch Dolls filled with a Berzerker Blood lust.
The ranks of Bears and Dolls were first in line for Kaants scything napalm kiss of death. Dozens of them in both pincers turned instantly to black Bear / Doll shaped dust. Their eyes hung in mid-air, gave one last confused blink and dropped to join the dust that was settling on the ground.
Kaant put her head back and laughed.
She stopped suddenly, and the echoes of her laughter rang off the hull.
She stared Stacy in the eye.
"Tha' was fun. Bring ....... it .........on! Le's see wha' you go'!"
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Stacy retreated slowly backwards down the corridor. She was holding something that looked very reluctant to go, as it had attached itself to both sides of the door frame and was holding on with both hands and both feet.
Kaant advanced, matching pace with her. What was going on though? Those arms and legs were getting very long ............
Smack!
"Yes! Direct Hit!" shouted Stacy gleefully.
As Kaant will atest to, getting the arse end of a Weeble in the eye is not a pleasant sensation. Especially when it was catapulted from a Stretch Armstrong catapult !
By the time Kaant realised what had happened Stacy had managed to load up and release another of those solid-bottomed little rotund guys. They may not be very fast on the ground, but by Jingo! they hurt like the very devil when they hit you at 90 miles an hour!
The Weebles were wobbling into a line, all eager to make up for the ignimony of being over-run by the bears and dolls. All dreaming of becoming projectiles for the cause!
Kaant was stepping backwards now, trying to get away from the little plastic bastards.
"Stretch, can you manage from here yourself?" asked Stacy .
"Absolutely Ma'am!" replied Stretch.
"Excellent - just keep up the barrage. Keep her pinned down - I've got some more organising to do."
ppp ----- choing!!!
"Brilliant shot Stretch - right up her left nostril! Keep it up."
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Harbi was knocked back to consciousness by a ricocheted Weeble off the shoulder. She found herself gripped tightly in a humungous great big red claw, attached to a humungous great big red dragon retreating from small bits of plastic which were being catapulted at it by a rubber man.
Harbi tried closing her eyes and putting her head back down on the pillow, but it turned out that it wasn't just a dream.
(Damn, so much for that option .........)
Upon opening her eyes once more Harbi spied Stacy, apparently marshalling the contents of the ships toybox.
Harbi couldn't be certain that it wasn't a dream. She pinched herself. Ow! Hells Teeth - it definitely wasn't a dream. Shit, that meant that she actually had to deal with this.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
"TONKAS ADVANCE!"
On Stacys order, squads of Tonka Trucks of various sizes raced slowly across the hold towards Kaant.
DIsorientated though she was from the Weeble bombardment she still managed to squash over half of the trucks, along with various toys before they could disembark.
"Quick, while she's distracted, over there," Stacy whispered, pointing towards a set of rickety looking stairs up at the rear of the hold.
"Yes, Sir!" replied the one-and-a-half armed Action Man rather too loud for Stacys liking. She winced a bit and put a vertical index finger up to pursed lips. "Shhhhhh! Stealth is the key."
Action Man would have looked sheepish if it had been at all possible.
Instead he started to creep along the side wall in the direction of the stairs. Stealthily.
Two of the Tonka trucks had managed to get past Kaants defences, and their occupants had clambered out.
Imbued with Elfen Force this pair was stronger and harder and tougher than ever before. One totally red and one totally blue, they had been fighting each other since birth, but could now unite for the first time to fight the common foe.
Angular and muscular, the Raving Bonkers Fighting Robots aka the Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots would give Kaant some serious payback for napalming their toybox buddies!
Posted by Abin Quank on :
BWAH-HA-HA!!!!
More, MORE, MORE!
[ June 03, 2005, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Thanks Chuck - it's comments like that that make it worth writing.
K
--------------------------
The double hammer attack on Kaants back legs knocked her off balance.
Pummel pummel pummel pummel.
In stereo.
Kaant kicked out instinctively.
Ping!
Ping!
Two direct hits - two heads went flying off.
Both of the Bonkers Boxers ran around like chickens until they were caught by their seconds - a pair of teddy-bears who had been loaded in the Tonka Trucks along with them for just this occassion.
Back down went the heads, and the robots went back to work. The teddys ran back and hid behind the Tonka Trucks.
Harbi saw her chance. She sensed Kaant getting ready to kick out in the same way that she had previously to good effect. Timing it perfectly, when Kaant lifted her back legs to kick out Harbi activated her Legion Flight Ring. Having only one foot in contact with the floor at that precise moment, Kaant completely lost her balance. Not having lost her grip on Harbi, she was pulled through the air.
Harbi stopped dead, and used an old Judo move she knew from her self defence classes to use Kaants own momentum against her. Leaning back in towards her, Harbi bounced Kaant off her hip, and SLAMMED! her into the wall of the hold.
Kaant slid down and THUD!ed against the floor. She lay there, stunned.
Harbi watched her for a second, and then turned around and strutted majestically back into the centre of the hold, where she stood in the heroic pose that Harbi is rightly famous for. Head held high, fists on hips, feet apart at shoulder width.
"NOOOOOO!" shouted Stacy from her position standing on a seesaw by the door.
Harbi turned to see what she was shouting at. Stacy was pointing above where Harbi was standing.
Action Man had climbed up the rickety stairs as instructed, where he had started a chain reaction by pushing over a bucket. The big heavy ball inside the bucket had rocked and rolled from side to side down the stairs, picking up momentum .......
Harbi was surprised to see a large metal ball fall on to the other end of Stacys seesaw, and Stacy coming flying off - all open eyed and whirlwinding arms - and landing in a big round tub. Of all things.
Harbi heard a noise that she never thought she'd hear again. It sounded like Numfys bicycle.
When Harbi had first met Numf he had a red bike. And the height of 'cool' in his peer group (11 year olds) had been to attach wooden lolly-pop sticks to the frame in such a way that they 'whirrrrrrrred' against the spokes of the wheels. That brought back memories of warm, bright, innocent summers, butterflies flitting past, ice cold Barrs Irn Bru ..........
But what was that noise? She remembered Stacy pointing above her, and looked up - just as a giant yellow basket-like contraption fell over her. It shimmered with electricity - obviously some kind of Elfen Force shield.
It was big enough to capture a big red dragon.
So why did everyone feel the need to act on the impulse to shout "MOUSETRAP!"
Posted by Harbinger on :
Mousetrap! Oh my good giddy aunt Ken, what a memory spinner that is - do you remember playing that in your folks back garden? Maybe even in the square iteslf now I think of it. How many years ago was that now? (25+ at least!! and I'm being very kind to both of us with that )
Your bike with lollypops on the spokes - I tried to get Oliver to do that years ago but he said it looked like something ancient from the 70's Kids these days don't know they are alive!
Going online again this weekend so expect Sub-mania at a Bits forum near you (at last count I had 28 posts written ready to go!)
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Nostalgia'r'us, eh Harbi? Can't wait to catch up on your Subs. Kx
--------------------
Marvin parked his spaceship in orbit around Legionworld. It had been a bit of a beast flying it with all the weight bouncing around and changing trajectories that had gone on, but he'd managed. Now he'd set an course that would miss all of the spy satellites, neon advertising hoardings and mobile burger franchises that also orbitted Legionworld.
Now he had to go back to the hero business. Not that he wasn't up to the task. He just much preferred being a pilot.
Deep breath. And another.
Right , turn round, walk out, and save the day.
Okay. Turn round.
"Eeeeeek!"
Marvin tried, unsuccessfully to hide behind his forearms from the sight which met him, left leg curled up to protect some things to which he was very attached.
If this was a TV series there'd be a commercial break about now. So...
(Fade to black. Adverts start -
# Aitkens rowies, they're the best....#
Put kettle on for a cuppy. Go for piss, wash hands. Wander around a bit, scratch arse. )
'Squeak?' came the concerned and slightly disappointed voice.
(Oh shit, it's started again - fight for the comfy seat. ..... That's my seat / No it isn't, you left it etc ........)
Marvin opened one eye and peered through his fingers. Pause for a second to let everyone regain their seats.
Rody? "Is it really you?" he asked. The vision of evil incarnate that floated in front of him at eye level bore very little resemblance to the fluffy rat that Marvin knew and loved so well. It looked more like a ......... "I'm sorry, Rody - I didn't recognise you . You know I wouldn't cower away from you unless I thought that you were an evil dragon-bunny. That's a brilliant disguise you've got there. Where did you get the red from? Is it food colouring? Ink? What is..."
"Squeak."
"Oh, of course it is....... I'm assuming you have a plan in mind then," said Marvin hopefully. Anything would be better than Marvins plan to brazen it out in front of a dragon roughly the size and colour of a London bus. And one shit-load nastier.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Marvin and Rody entered the main hold behind where Stacy stood.
In a re-enactment from a previous episode of this very story Rody was held by the ears, and Marvin held a ray gun to Rodys head.
They both looked around at the mayhem.
Kaant had recovered from being thrown against the wall. At present she was spraying liquid fire around her.
Stacy was rapidly running out of toys.
The Barbies had been singularly useless. They had tried without success to turn Kaant 'girly' by talking about shoes and handbags and general accessorizing. Harbi had been interested in what they had to say, but Kaant had simply squashed all fifteen of them with one stamp.
The Buckaroo mule had been even worse, considering just how powerful a kick he had. His problem had been that no-one had been prepared to run across and load lassoos, boxes of pretend dynamite and large heavy hats on his back to trigger the kick reflex. Instead he had looked sorrowfully over his shoulder while Kaant advanced and bit his back legs off, laughing.
A herd of My Little Ponies had valiantly charged out to the rescue, but Kaants tail had swept across the floor and sent them, broken, across to the far side of the room, where they lay, whinnying for someone to come and put them out of their misery.
But, at present, Kaant was massacring rank upon rank of strange, changing toys. It took Marvin a second or two to work out what they were.
Transformers.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
I'd love to see this on the big screen... sort of like an updated Nutcracker Suite done in horror genre.
Posted by Harbinger on :
I'm not going to comment on what you did to my hair, no, I'm not. Not in public anyway!
And these Aitkens Rowies adverts.. hmmmmmmm, could you be a love and send me a pack down? Please? Pretty please?
Poor my little ponies. Never liked them anyway, I always prefered Tonka trucks (which probably explains a lot!).
Gossippy query to ask - was it true that when Keith went home with a blue mohican that your mum told him he looked like a My Little Pony? He's told us that that was the reason he got rid of it.
And Transformers up next.. ooooh! I seem to remember they brke pretty easily, let's hope this lot are super tough enough to deal with Kaant!
You're a star Ken, a total, luminous, stellar star!
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Yeah, it was a pity about mums My Little Pony comment. I thought that Keith with an electric blue mohican was well cool. I'm sure I've got a photo of him and Billy somewhere ......
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Mere seconds later bits of broken and frazzled Transformers lay all around. Where once there had been chunky, shiny warriors there was now rubble. The red, white and blue had become black. The temperature of Kaants dragon-breath was enough to melt them in their tracks. Molten plastic and metal formed puddles. Some of them still burned.
The final battalion of war robots had proven themselves unequal to the task.
Bits of jet planes, tigers, buses, speed boats and even dinosaurs littered the hold. Pretty crap really, huh?
Kaants increased offensive and defensive capabilities had won the day. Easily.
Lego-lasses army of toys, although valiant, had failed. There was nothing left. And they had not even scratched the surface.
Stacy had run out of Elfish energy, which had been granted her by the last of the original Lego-lass bricks.But since there had only been the one brick drawing the energyit had run out a lot quicker than it ever had in the past. It had knackered itself, and would need quite a long re-charging period if it ever managed to escape from this death-trap of a ship.
Stacy collapsed slowly to her knees. She could not remember the last time she had felt so tired. Action Man had used up the last of his ammunition on the herd of My Little Ponies, and collapsed too.
Kaant laughed.
"You ready to die now?" she asked who-ever was listening.
"I'm not!" said Harbi.
With the exhaustion of the Elfish energy, the forcefield around the Mousetrap TM trap had slowly waned. Now Harbi was free.
And, my goodness, she was pissed off!
Kaant turned her head to look at the heroic figure. She lifted one talon to block off her nostril, and blew sharply down the other.
Harbi wasn't fast enough to escape the 200mph Weeble that hit her SMACK! between the eyes. She fell over.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Marvin and Rody surveyed the wreckage.
Numf was down and out. Permanently. KIA.
Harbi was down and out. At least temporarily.
Stacy, dear brave Stacy, was down and out. Marvin hadn't been too sure about Stacy. He had thought, uncharitably he would admit, that she was just another dumb blonde. A hero chaser.
But she had convinced him otherwise. She was a hero in her own right. If they made it out of here Marvin promised to himself that he would recommend her for membership of the Legion. She had what it took. He would be proud to stand by her.
He guessed it was up to them, then. Marvins turn to step up to the plate
"Ahem," he coughed nervously as he moved out from behind Stacy, revealing himself to Kaant.
Unfortunately for him he walked straight into the corner of a handrail that he hadn't noticed. He doubled over slightly, still managing to hold Rody in the hostage position. He wished that Fat Cramer hadn't made the comment about the Nutcracker. Sweet.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
No pain no pain. Marvin slowly straightened, eyes smarting, willing himself to stand.
He took a few deep breaths. Slowly the world came back into focus.
If Kaant had taken her chance there and then there would have been no chance for Marvin and Rody. But obviously the deception had worked, because Kaant was standing stock still, staring in disbelief at what appeared to be a survivng dragon-bunny.
Eventually Marvin could speak. "Get out of here, or I'll kill your last survivng baby. You've done enough damage. You've killed Numf, and I don't know about Harbi, Sonnie and Stacy. It stops here, and it stops now!"
Kaant stared. "Gimmee baby."
"No. You go, and I'll look after your baby. Otherwise we all die here. Because I just plain don't trust you."
"Why should I trust you?" asked Kaant.
"Good question," said a voice behind Marvin. "It's best that you hand over her baby."
Marvin turned around to see Sonnie. He looked like shit. He looked like he'd had the crap kicked out of him and then fallen asleep in some strange toilets.
But he had a raygun pointed at Marvins chest.
"Don't be silly, Sonnie!" Marv said, raising his voice in both volumn and pitch. "She'll kill us all!"
"No Marv. I'm sick of all this death and destruction. Look around us. It has to stop. And we have to be the ones to stop it. Let it end." Sonnie looked up at Kaant. "We're going to give you your baby back now. And this is going to stop. Okay?"
Kaant blinked her eyes in wonder. Tears ran down her cheek. One had survived! One of her babies had survived! It was a miracle!
And that stupid bastard was about to hand it back to her on trust! Had he learned nothing?
"Okay?" Sonnie repeated.
Posted by Harbinger on :
I don't believe for a second that Keith could be that stupid. Or could he????
Ken it's a bloody shocking state of events that we are two of perhaps a maximum of four posters who regularly reply to things in this section - I hope it's because everyone else is simply overcome by the splendid genius on display.. though somehow I doubt it
I think your work is fantastic Mr T. Keep it coming!
Harbi x
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
You've known Keith for HOW long? And you don't think he could be so stupid?
Seriously though, there's not much left of this story, as anyone who has seen 'Aliens' can probably work out. We're in the final scene - another couple of chapters to go, just to finish it off.
I get what you're saying about the lack of comments. There are a number of possibilities.
a/ no-one gives a rats ass (sorry Rody - not yours), b/ neither of us is actually writing about Legionaires, so no-one gives a rats ass, c/ there's so much history behind the stories that unless you've read from the start then you wouldn't give a rats ass, d/ we're no-where near as good as we'd like to think we are (no, lets keep Dean Friedman out of this), so no-one gives a rats ass.
Having said that, I'd like to thank the Academ..... everyone that's stuck around to the bitter end.
Sonnie and Harbi - brother and best of friends. You know damn fine that I wouldn't read yours if you didn't read mine.....
Abin Quank - you seem to be stuck on my wavelength - thanks for your comments and ideas.
Fat Cramer - you bring peace and happiness wherever you post. Thanks for the Immanuel Kant idea.
Cobie and Nighty - thanks for at least trying - sorry I didn't make it good enough to keep you hooked.
Anyone else that's made it this far - thanks for reading - feel free to make comments. It's always good to know that someone - anyone - is reading something that you've put your heart and soul (murky though it be) into. And if they enjoy it then that's even better.
Love and Peace to you all, K'N
[ June 17, 2005, 04:28 AM: Message edited by: Ghost of Numf-El ]
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Back to the story -
----------------------
"But..... but ........." Marvin stammered.
"I take baby. I go home. I no bother you no more," said Kaant, with a pseudo-smile plastered over her red scaly face, long eyelashes fluttering.
"See, Marvin. We can trust her," said Sonnie.
"But..... but ........." Marvin stammered.
"No more buts. Give the baby to me," said Sonnie, still with the gun pointed at Marvin, but with the other hand held out to accept the 'baby'.
Marvin nervously handed Rody over. It could be seen now that Rody had somehow managed to elongate his own ears. By sheer will power. And of course he already had his own set of extra long incisors. And of course, being covered with Numfs blood meant that he was the correct colour as well.
Sonnie turned to face Kaant, who tried her best to look suitably grateful, and came up a long way short. She did manage to look suitably evil and canniving.
"However..... before I hand over your baby I want Harbi and Stacy taken out of here. They're in no condition to cause you any grief, but you could still use them to get at me. And we might as well get Numfs remains out of here too," said Sonnie.
"You not trying to pull fast one, are you?" asked Kaant dubiously.
"Absolutely not. Legions Honour. I just want them to be safe. I'll tell you what, why don't we let Marvin remove them. That way you, your baby and I are always here. It should only take a minute or two. Okay?" asked Sonnie.
"Okay - bu' no funny stuff," said Kaant menacingly.
Sonnie ignored the menace in her voice and turned back and spoke quietly to Marvin. Not so quietly so that Kaant thought there was anything untoward going on.
"Marvin, would you please be so kind as to remove the ladies from the room, and stick Numf in a bin bag would you?" Sonnie asked. "I'm sorry I had to point a gun at you. Please don't take it personally.I just want an end to all this death and destruction."
Marvin said nothing, he just went about removing the ladies and Numf from the area.
Three journeys later the girls were strapped onto comfy sofas, and Numf was in the garbage compactor.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
quote:Originally posted by Ghost of Numf-El: You've known Keith for HOW long? And you don't think he could be so stupid?
Seriously though, there's not much left of this story, as anyone who has seen 'Aliens' can probably work out. We're in the final scene - another couple of chapters to go, just to finish it off.
I get what you're saying about the lack of comments. There are a number of possibilities.
a/ no-one gives a rats ass (sorry Rody - not yours), b/ neither of us is actually writing about Legionaires, so no-one gives a rats ass, c/ there's so much history behind the stories that unless you've read from the start then you wouldn't give a rats ass, d/ we're no-where near as good as we'd like to think we are (no, lets keep Dean Friedman out of this), so no-one gives a rats ass.
Having said that, I'd like to thank the Academ..... everyone that's stuck around to the bitter end.
Sonnie and Harbi - brother and best of friends. You know damn fine that I wouldn't read yours if you didn't read mine.....
Abin Quank - you seem to be stuck on my wavelength - thanks for your comments and ideas.
Fat Cramer - you bring peace and happiness wherever you post. Thanks for the Immanuel Kant idea.
Cobie and Nighty - thanks for at least trying - sorry I didn't make it good enough to keep you hooked.
Anyone else that's made it this far - thanks for reading - feel free to make comments. It's always good to know that someone - anyone - is reading something that you've put your heart and soul (murky though it be) into. And if they enjoy it then that's even better.
Love and Peace to you all, K'N
Ken, you write, I read, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh...
Quite simple really...
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
The door into the wellbay closed behind Sonnie.
With, what sounded to him, like a very final 'clunk'.
Sonnie sighed. He alone knew the whole plan. Or at least the possible final gamble. Neither Rody nor Marvin would have agreed to the cost.
He hoped it wouldn't come to that, but he had to be prepared for the possibility.
"Gimmee baby! I been good. I want my baby! GIMMEE BABY NOW!" Kaant had finally lost patience. She started stamping her feet.
Sonnie sighed once more. He started walking towards Kaant. Rody in one hand held in front of him. Gun in the other, pointing at the floor. For what it was worth now.
He had to be careful not to stand on any of the Weebles. They may not have been imbued with any Elfen Force anymore, but he still didn't want to end up going arse over tit. Weebles might wobble, but Sonnie didn't want to fall down.
He walked over slowly until he was standing directly in front of Kaant. Who was angrily inhaling and exhaling through her mouth, little flickers of flame ready to cast death at any second.
Sonnie held out Rody.
Kaant immediately snatched him from Sonnies hand and brought him up to her right cheek. She took one big breath in and then exhaled slowly, sighing. "My baby," she said, closing her eyes. She relaxed visibly.
And then she became curious.
When he noticed the change in her features Sonnie backed off. Slowly but carefully.
Kaant sniffed through her huge nostrils in much the same way that you would expect to see a bloodhound doing. sniff sniff sniff exhale sniff sniff sniff exhale sniff sniff
"I know why you smell of Sonnie and that strange man called Marvin. But why you smell so much of Numf?" Kaants forehead furrowed in confusion. But very quickly she came to the obvious conclusion.
Her eyes widened in absolute shock. She'd been duped!
"You're not my baby!" she hissed, eyes still wide.
Rody the Super Rat attacked. As he had been told to. At the one place that wasn't armoured. At the one place that was vulnerable.
Rody hung on to Kaants huge eye-ball with his sharp little incisors and every single claw. Like a mad mental Garfield.
Kaant screamed. In pain. In rage. In terror. In surprise.
In hatred.
"NOW!" shouted Sonnie.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
In the bridge Marvin hit the switch as he had been instructed.
Luckily Sonnies lower tones had been heard clearly against the pain filled shreiking of Kaant.
Sonnie stood watching as the yellow safety beacons strobed into life. The klaxons were loud enough to drown out Kaants screaming. He wrapped one arm and one leg around a walkway handrail.
The cargo bay doors took only the shortest of times to open. In the emptiness of space vacuums love company. Everyone was invited to the party.
The Weebles were first to go, wobbling their way across the floor at the first sign of any suction of the vacuum. While alive, Numf had been know to crawl across broken glass on his hands and knees at the first sign of the merest possibility of any suction. Though he'd never tried a vacuum ...
As the cargo bays opened more, the other toys quickly followed suit. As if in platoons, all of the toys took to the air. They were sucked visciously out into the emptiness of space.
Everything had gone deadly quiet save for the slowly decreasing hiss of escaping air. Even Kaants screams were being sucked away from Sonnie.
The claws from three of Kaants feet were planted into the floor of the cargo bay. Her fourth foot was scrambling to try and get Rody. Kaant could not believe the pain that one small fu'in' ra' could cause.
Rody just knew it as justice for what she had put him through. Though it would probably be closer to the truth to call it revenge.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Sonnie knew he'd have to do something soon. It was the final gamble that he had prepared himself for.
Rody was only a small rodent and could not hold his breath for very long. In fact Rodys time was up - he should have been getting out of the way by now, as per the plan. Sonnie had thought this might happen.
14....... 15....... 16..
Sonnie had to move. Only 4 seconds left.
After picking up a fallen comrade who was attached to the handrail, he activated his Legion Flight ring and reached Mach 2 in the half second that it took to impact. Right in the middle of Kaants chest. The blow knocked the remaining breath out of her body, and ripped off every single claw from three of her feet, leaving them imbedded in the cargo bay floor.
Kaant was knocked backwards out of the cargo bay doors, Sonnie scrabbling at her, punching and scratching, and dragging his way towards her head.
Kaant was trying unsuccessfully to take a breath.
18.... 19.....
"20" said Marvin back in the bridge. He pressed the 'close' button as he head been instructed. He had no idea what had happened through there, but hoped that Sonnies plan had worked.
Outside in space Sonnie had reached Kaants head and had dragged Rody from her eyeball. He was still nipping and scratching away, obviously having forgotten about getting clear. He stopped when he saw that it was Sonnie that had grabbed him away.Rody took a deep breath and got nothing.He started to panic.
Sonnie kissed him on the top of the head. He drew back his arm and threw with every ounce of strength and skill that he could muster. He had noticed that the cargo doors were closing, as instructed. He then hoped, as he couldn't afford the time to see if Rody was going to be alright.
Back to the fight.
---------------------------
As you would expect from one of these 'one in a million' chance throws, Sonnie had either managed to perfectly gauge the gravitational pull, rotation of Marvins spaceship, acceleration pull that he himself was experiencing etc. etc. etc. or else he was just a jammy bastard.
Rody flew through the 2" gap that was left of the closing door just in time for the atmosphere to be re-engaged, forcing air into his little lungs. He gasped in the higher than normal oxygen content air. The nitrogen would get itself sorted out in a minute.
At the moment Rody needed the extra O2 to give him a bit of a buzz and stop the pain caused by trying not to explode. Or at least get him slightly high so that he didn't care.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Marvin was trying his damnedest to focus the undership CCTV cameras on the fight taking place. He had glimpsed Kaant, Rody and Sonnie shooting past on the direct feed screens, and was now trying to set up the auto-follow and auto-zoom.
As soon as he could track them he'd be able to follow. But he'd been blown slightly off orbit when the air had been expelled from the cargo bay, and it had set up a slight rotation, so Marvin wasn't entirely certain which way he should be pointing.
Harbi was beginning to stir on the couch. Stacy was still overcome with exhaustion.
Marvin was having no luck with the cameras, so he decided to try another way.
"Hold on ladies," he shouted over his shoulder.
He began to spin the ship, as quickly as possibly, but slowly enough so that the motion didn't induce vomiting. Shortly the main front port looked down at Legionworld. The cloud covering El Veefourtwosix could be seen clearly, disappearing slowly into the dark, night, half of the planet. Under different circumstances it would be a sight worth sitting and watching.
But they had more important things to worry about.
"Wassupppp?" asked Harbi.
"We've done this joke already, haven't we?" asked anyone that has read all the way through.
Giving the Budweisser joke a miss this time, Marvin quickly explained the situation.
"Rody and Sonnie?" said Harbi with a tear in her eye. "We need to find them Marvin. Or else Kaant'll tear them to bits....." Harbi turned away to wipe her teary eye and compose herself.
Giving the musical joke a large bodyswerve, Harbi turned back to surveying the vast area in front of them. "If only Rody were here, he could use his Super Raat Vision to help us find them."
"Squeak"
"Come on now Marvin - this is serious!" chastised Harbi.
"Squeeeeeeek!" "Not me Harbi - I guess that Rody managed to escape," said Marvin, a smile crossing his face as he continued to search the blackness.
"Rody! Oh, how glad I am to see you!" Harbi had turned and picked up Rody. She closed her eyes, fighting down the emotions that were trying to spill out of her eyes again. She promised herself a damned good cry and a box of Black Magic chocolates when this was all over.
"Squeak?"
"Oh, forget my bruised head, and how it looks like a little Weeble face. Where's Sonnie? Can you help us find him?"
"Squeak."
"Good."
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Sonnie and Kaant had spun through space, down through the void towards Legionworld. Globules of blood trailed in their wake from Kaants ripped claws.
Sonnie was grateful for his Legion Flight Ring - without it he would have died minutes ago. He had no idea how Kaant was surviving in the cold and oxygen starved void. Maybe she had used her powers to re-align her internal organs and evolve her dragon abilities once more?
Kaant pushed herself away from Sonnies grip and set herself, ready for battle. She sneered as she unfurled her wings. These weren't the small red wings that she had used previously.
These were magnificent, marvellous wings. These were huge, silver, metal coated, solar powered wings.
That showed, at least, how she had managed to survive - adaptation. Just as Sonnie had predicted.
What Sonnie hadn't predicted was that they would make such a magnificent weapon.
Kaant looked past Sonnie, gauging her location in relation to something that Sonnie couldn't see.
The Sun.
Kaant shaped her wings precisely to relfect a billion lux of light energy at Sonnie.
It knocked him backwards and blinded him momentarily. It also burned all of his clothes off apart from his asbestos knickers, which he had taken to wearing a few years ago when he'd taken an unusual taste for really, really hot currys with extra jalapenos.
There he was, buff and smooth and blind. Ready to be taken advantage of. He just wished that it wasn't Kaant who was going to do the taking advantage. If it had been Lashypoos, or Icey, well, that would have been an interesting proposition.
Kaant wasn't letting up. She poured the blinding, searing light at Sonnie. The pain was like nothing that he had ever felt. Every fibre of his body screamed. Every cell burned.
Posted by Harbinger on :
Does this mean that Sonnie will finally get a tan? Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Don't be silly, B.
You know that Sonnie and I are the same, it takes at least a week of serious sunbathing for either of us to go white.
The sun has to fight its way through the ultra-violet sheen that our skin gives off.
[ June 22, 2005, 03:59 AM: Message edited by: Ghost of Numf-El ]
Posted by Harbinger on :
too true Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
A flash of white caught all of their attention, over to their right hand side, high above the blackness of night on Legionworld.
Marvin floored the gas, steering directly at the flash.
Harbi was trying to make sense of what they were seeing. She had expected to see a red dot, or movement or something - not a flash of light. But she came up a blank. They'd have to find out when they got closer.
Out in space, Sonnie found himself curling over into the foetal position, which in this case promised to be the fatal position. He had to fight to resist! First of all he had to fight to stop himself curling ever tighter, and then he'd be able to uncurl.
One step at a time. Stop curling, stop curling. Jehovahs Great Hairy Bollocks! How it hurt. He didn't know if he'd be able to survive this pain.
But he had to. He had to beat Kaant. There was no-one else available to do it.
If he couldn't do it now, then who knows what she could evolve into?
The burnt flesh tore from his muscles as he straightened himself. His brain had shut down the pain - shut out the synapses that kept trying to complain. When the skin ripped from the front of his thighs, thankfully he couldn't feel it. When the muscles in his forehead were exposed to the void, thankfully he couldn't feel it.
Held behind his back was the one weapon he had that he felt would help win the day. The soldier that he had picked up from the floor of the cargo bay. He could protect him only for a few seconds more.
He still needed a miracle, and he received it when Marvin deliberately positioned his spaceship to block out the suns rays.
He waved his thanks back at Marvin, and kicked in his Legion Flight Ring.
In space no-one can hear you scream I'm Going To Kill You, You Fucking Bitch!!! However, Kaant could lip-read.
Posted by Harbinger on :
<playground chant> Keefee!! KEEFEE!! KEEFEE!!
more, more, more!
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Stacy managed to drag herself up to the viewing window, and put one arm round Harbi to steady herself.
Harbi greeted her with a smile and a pat on the shoulder.
In front of them, Marvin had just managed to block out the sun, which had effectively stopped the viscious solar assault. Even from so far away they could see the damage that Sonnie had taken.
And then he turned and waved, before attacking the giant dragon in front of him.
Harbis jaw dropped. And her stomach knotted up. And her knees turned to jelly (the kind you have with ice-cream, not add to your peanut butter sandwich).
Stacy somehow managed to prevent the pair of them falling over. She looked her friend in the face, and saw the pain and disbelief there.
"He's not coming back, is he?" Stacy asked rhetorically.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Sonnie flew straight at Kaant.
Kaant went for the frontal, fire breathing reply. However, in space there's no oxygen to allow the burning process. And after the latest painful adaptation she had just gone through she no longer had oxygen in her lungs to add to the mix.
Wobbly spheres of a murky liquid sprayed forth instead. Sonnie caught the briefest glimpse of alarm and fear on Kaants face.
Sonnie easily avoided the liquid, and jinked across to his left at high speed, into Kaants blind side.
As he had expected, the wings could be used as a more direct weapon than had been shown already.
Kaants right wing swiped at him, the thousands of razor sharp scales slashing across at his face. If he had hesitated for a second he would have ended up as a bucket full of ribbons for Kaant to tie in her hair. For times when she wasn't a big smegging dragon of course.
Straight through the wing he flew, breaking the gossamer thin scales and flesh into shards, which flew away into the blackness of space. Reflected points of light could be seen when the shards floated silently outwith the protective shadow cast by Marvins spaceship.
Kaant couldn't see what had happened, but felt the pain and the disorientation as her flight faltered, and she started spinning faster and faster towards the earth below.
Quickly Sonnie was on her back. He grabbed the wing bone of her shattered wing with his left hand and knelt down. He had to concentrate to not fall off.
In his right hand he held the soldier that he had managed to grab as he had exited Marvins spaceship.
Stretch Armstrong.
Unfortunately Stretch was no longer full of the Elfen Force, but Sonnie could manage manually. He tied Stretch to the base of the right wing, and then grabbed at the left wing.
Because Kaant was flapping furiously, it took Sonnie three attempts to grab it. When he had managed, he started wrapping the two wings together, using Stretches natural, non Elfen, powers.
Down they hurtled. Spiralling like sparrows tied together.
Behind them, Marvin was chasing as fast as he could, but gravity had grabbed ahold, and with no air particles to slow them down they were experiencing speeds a whole lot faster than the normal terminal velocity of freefall parachutists.
Sonnie managed to stand, steering Kaant using the wrapped up wings as a rudder. She was fighting with all the strength left in her, but Sonnie had the better of her.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Back in the ship Harbi had taken over the steering. It wasn't a ship she was used to flying, but she was managing just fine. It wasn't too far removed from the Triumph Stag convertible that she had driven once upon a time.
Stacy was keeping Sonnie and Kaant in view out of the window, and Marvin was deploying the big bandie net that he kept under the ship. You know, the one that he used earlier on to catch Hunt ...... Don't tell me you'd forgotten about that .....
Rody was sitting on Harbis shoulder, giving small encouraging squeaks.
"Harbi," said Marvin, " We may only get one shot, you know." He gave the net a few practise swipes to make sure the controls were still okay.
"Well, we'd better make it count, hadn't we."
They were closing fast. Outside they could no longer see any stars - they were close enough that the whole view was filled with Legionworld. And getting closer.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Kaant wasn't beaten yet. With a tenacity borne of desparation she managed to disclocate her shoulder joint to allow her to take a swipe at Sonnie with her one still clawed foot.
Sonnie caught sight of the claw in his periferal vision, and managed to side-step the death dealing talons. So as to not lose his precarious balance, he still held on to the tied together wings. That ended up being his downfall.
Kaants swipe had been a deliberate ploy. Her wings were less than useless to her now. Given time she would evolve a new pair. But time was not something that she appeared to have a lot of.
Her head snaked around from the other direction, and snapped at the wings.
Whether by luck or design, she managed to catch Sonnie.
She had bitten through the bones of her wings, and sliced through Sonnies forearm.
Consuming the hand that his Legion Ring was attached to.
Sonnie fell instantly on to Kaants back. The protection that the ring had afforded him was taken away in a nano-second.
The cold of space hit him instantly, forcing the air from his lungs. He tried to inhale but there was nothing to fill his lungs.
This was it. Ten seconds or so was all that he had.
He pulled himself along Kaants back.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Our four heroes watched in astonishment as blood pissed out from Sonnies arm, splashing across the viewing window.
They were closing in rapidly now.
Only seconds.
"You'd better be ready, Marvin," shouted Harbi in the mistaken belief that volume would ease the tension somehow. Or maybe it was because she expected loud, charged, exciting music in the film version of the thread.
"Ready," came the quiet, calm response.
Outside Sonnie had clambered along Kaants neck and was sitting on her head. Kaants head was shaking from side to side in an attempt to dislodge him.
This meant that Harbi had to do some tricky maneouvering, but she was more than equal to the task. She had become used to a good rough ride in her old Stag.
"Now!" / "Squeak!" everyone said at the same time.
Marvin swiped.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
And missed.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Perched atop Kaants snaking head, Sonnie knew that he had time for a single attempt before his strength left him entirely.
He had to trust to instinct, because his higher functions were closing down. His body was trying to preserve the essentials, and brain activities were being reduced to the bare minimum required to keep him alive, even for a few milliseconds.
His instructors would have been proud of him under any circumstances.
But considering the state his body was in, the stroke was masterful. The Guardians would cheer loud and long when they heard the story. They would drink loud and long too when they showed the footage from the camera beneath Marvins ship. Often. With much whooping and cheering.
Straight from fingernails down to elbow. His remaining hand tight and flat. All of his remaining strength mustered into his back, shoulder and upper arm.
Strike!
Fingers piercing straight through the hard armour covering Kaants skull, shattering her cranium and piercing through into her brain.
Killing her instantly.
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
The killing stroke had propelled Kaant and Sonnie into a forward spin. It had been this that had caused Marvins swipe to miss. There was nothing that anyone could have done to prevent it.
And there was, as Marvin had predicted, no time for a second attempt.
Kaants dead body with Sonnie holding tight, hit Legionworlds atmosphere.
Sonnie, with no protective covering, was vapourised within a second. His body had all but given up anyway. He died at peace with himself. He had avenged his brother. And Kaant would no longer terrorise Legionworld. Two birds with one stroke.
Kaants hard armoured body took a lot longer to burn up. The friction threw up fire and sparks that gave Legionworld quite a display.
It scared a large number of people, who thought that the first play in some mightly battle of the Gods was being enacted.
On board Marvins spaceship all they could do was stare in disbelief.
And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Posted by Harbinger on :
Noooooo..........
Oh well, he went out in a blaze of glory, tara Sonnie
Triumph stag convertible! Oh mi gawd! I'd forgotten about that a good rough ride indeed! You naughty man you!
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
(applause) This is some mighty good stuff!
Posted by Abin Quank on :
And so it ends, not with a whimper but with a bang and raw-cuss peals of laughter.
And yet... As an Era ends... As the Saga unfolds...
Oh Hell!
Start a new one soon buddy!
Posted by Ghost of Numf-El on :
Thanks gents & Harbi (as always)for your support. It is much appreciated.
I've got plans for something else, but I don't know how long it'll be until it's ready to post. I'm not sure that I want to spend another year writing a few days worth of story. Though there were some fun moments, it did tend to ramble on a bit.... Hell, maybe that was half the fun.
So, whatchathink? Is that the end of Numf and Sonnie? How can they come back from here?
![[Love]](graemlins/love.gif)
B ![[Hug]](graemlins/hug.gif)
to all
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[LOL]](graemlins/lol.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
just when you think that he's starting to grow up ![[Cheers]](graemlins/cheers.gif)
here's to the next 500 and the 500 after that...![[Cool]](cool.gif)
![[Universo]](graemlins/Universo.gif)
please continue soon with more, more, more of your fantastic madcap tale.
![[ROTFLMAO]](graemlins/rotflmao.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
)![[Confused]](confused.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Devil]](graemlins/Devil1.gif)
![[No]](graemlins/shake.gif)
