I realized that even though Krypto's Story is too explicit for this forum I could probably post the lyrics here without offending anyone except those with good taste. All the songs are from Ragtime. It starts with the Prologue.
Proty II: In 1998, the new Legion of Super-Heroes moved into the Ranch on the Enchanted Hill on Earth-A, and it seemed for some hours thereafter that all of the Legion’s days would be kitsch and gay.
People of Earth A: Tyroc’s powers were hazy. He was a scream. With a black dick.
Women of Earth-A: La-la-la-la-la
People of Earth A: Vorm’s pranks drove everyone crazy. He was just mean. A sadistic prick.
Men of Earth-A: La-la-la-la-la
People of Earth A: And there were folks from Tolkien Without a reason or rhyme Stunning the nations With gay sex sensations The people called it Dogtime!
Tab: Tab was well hung. Very well hung. Once he saw how studly he looked while wearing the Otto Orion furs he decided to keep it as his costume and to adopt the code name “Hunter”. He never got the joke.
Brad: The medical lab was Doctor Brad’s domain. The Time Lord considered himself very fortunate to be in Tinwe’s bed every night.
Superboy: Young Kal-el was just beginning to learn about his awakening sexual desires. He was really enjoying the learning process but couldn’t help thinking that he needed something more. He hoped someday he’d find it.
Proty II: Proty was a sexless, amorphous blob of protoplasm. As the only Antarean on the planet, he was thoroughly disgusted by everything.
People of Earth A: The gays were gently tinted Lavender, pink, chartreuse, and lime
Tyroc: A hero who caterwauls Superboy: Another with swollen balls Tab: Me and my fire hose Proty II: And these are our Heroes?
All: And everything was Dogtime!
Posted by Proty II on :
Chapter 2 opens with Krypto dreaming of good times with Superboy, sung to the tune of Gliding.
We are flying Flying To the Moon Soaring grace Wagging tail Lick the face Of Kal-el Lead the pack Fly with me Superboy Fly with my master And never Look back....
Posted by Proty II on :
Chapter 3 has another short vignette as Krypto wishes he were anywhere but Lex Luthor's dog cage. Sung to the tune of Atlantic City.
Let's fly away to the Legion Clubhouse Let's break the time barrier Plenty of fun at the Legion Clubhouse For your terrier With my collar and cape on we can go right away A super-speed flight away A place to hideaway...
Posted by Proty II on :
Chapter 4 has Martha missing her son and thinking back to the night they found him. Sung to the tune of The Night That Goldman Spoke At Union Square.
It was winter in Smallville And the snow began to fall It was hard to see the road through the windshield Then we heard a dreadful noise And we saw the flaming ball The night the rocket crashed in our cornfield
Jon pulled off the road real fast And we started on our trek I was shaking and so frightened that I squealed When we got there all we saw Was a baby in that wreck The night the rocket crashed in our cornfield
Posted by Proty II on :
In Chapter 5, Streaky is also captured by Lex. Streaky and Krypto console each other and dream of the day that they're free. Sung to the tune of Till We Reach That Day.
STREAKY: There's a field of mice May I live to see Where the birds are flightless And the catnip's free Let the salmon spawn Oh Bast I pray We'll never see Pet Heaven Till we reach that day!
KRYPTO: It's a ball to fetch It's to heel with pride It's a bowl of kibble We have been denied Where a boy can live And a dog can play We'll never see Pet Heaven Till we reach that day!
Posted by Proty II on :
In Chapter 6, Superboy is Lex's prisoner and Krypto isn't happy about it. This is the most complete parody, but it's also my favorite song from Ragtime: He Wanted to Say.
PROTY: He wanted to say
KRYPTO: I am here because I have to be
PROTY: He wanted to say
KRYPTO: I dream of vengeance every night Every day I wake up knowing What it is that you have owing Someday soon you’ll see that my bark Is not worse than my bite
PROTY: He wanted to say
KRYPTO: I am more than just his Superpet
PROTY: He wanted to say
KRYPTO: Do not blame me for my paws We are both from Planet Krypton And we fly with our red capes on You’ll wish we’d never met When I get your balls in my jaws
ENSEMBLE: Two men meeting For a moment in a dungeon
SUPERBOY: One licking boots
LEX: One stomping on
ENSEMBLE: A Superboy! Two men finding For a moment in a dungeon
LEX: SUPERBOY: Fuck! I’m hard! Grife! I’m hard!
PROTY: He wanted to say
LEX: How I envy you that head of hair
PROTY: He wanted to say
KRYPTO: You have filled me with such rage If there’s such a thing as justice I will bring Lex to his justice This I do for Kal-el, my Master, Who’s locked in a cage
ENSEMBLE: But all he said was
KRYPTO: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
ENSEMBLE: Two men meeting In the darkness In a dungeon In the darkness In a dungeon
Posted by Proty II on :
In Chapter 7, Lex lords it over his captive. To the tune of Your Daddy's Son.
Say good bye to muscle Say good bye to flight Take away your powers Take away your sight No trips to the future You won't make a sound Only torture and pain The titclamps and pain The whips and the pain In my dungeon deep underground Underground You'll be so screwed underground
Posted by Proty II on :
In Chapter 8, Superboy is astonished to discover that he likes the treatment he's getting from Lex. Sung to the tune of New Music.
What has he done? How did I change? Caught by this strange Lex Luthor Say, could I have been all wrong?
Hairless young goon Evil and mean I've come to fear Lex Luthor Why, why do I crave his dong?
His fingers stroke my d*** And my drool makes it slick And every nerve screams, ‘Let me c**!’ I thought I knew what need was But grife! I was dumb! Lex Luthor Taunting me And his will daunting me Will they still call me Superboy Now that I’m Luthor’s Red, black, and blue boytoy?
Posted by Proty II on :
In Chapter 9 Superboy and the Super-Pets have been rescued. But Superboy knows he can't just go back to the way things were. Sung to the tune of What Kind of Woman.
What kind of hero would do what I've done? To get such excitement from bondage and pain… He would have thrown me in the cage, And thrown away the key, And thrown me o'er his naked lap To spank me on his knee. What kind of doggie would Lex have made me?
Posted by Proty II on :
All that was left after that was the Epilogue.
PROTY: Krypto's Story was over as if history was no more than clunky miniseries found in the 25-cent bin. But there was still the musical finale to be endured.
TYROC: After Krypto's rescue, Tyroc flew south, to Los Angeles, where he hosted his own syndicated talk show on television.
MARTHA: The signs of dust bunnies were everywhere. The fastidious Martha Kent cleaned the castle from top to bottom and cooked meals as well.
BRONCO BILL: Bronco Bill's Archery School became in time a center for Greek America. Young devotees of Hera and Zeus came from all over Earth-A to learn everything the former centaur could teach them.
JONATHAN: Jonathan moved into the old house at San Simeon where he could listen to his Pat Boone records in peace and quiet.
STREAKY: The noble and sophisticated Streaky would grow fat on kitty treats and spend most of the day sleeping. Brrrooowww?
KAL: Superboy was hanging upside down from chains in the Celestial Suite, powerless after Vorm installed a mini red sun generator in the tower. "PLEASE KEEP HANDS IN CAR!" The sign on the roller coaster suddenly rang clear to the Kryptonian. It would be the one genuine mystical experience of his life-but was it too late? Was Luthor already reformed?
TAB: When Superboy told his teammates that he was in love with Luthor, every man, woman, and Super-Pet was astonished. The next day, Tab asked Pete Ross to move in with him.
LEX: Luthor was in traction for a month. At the end of that time, Kal asked him if he still wanted Superboy to be his dog, and Luthor accepted. They adored each other.
TINWE: Luthor was still a sadistic prick.
LANA: But he was our sadistic prick. Oh, and Comet Queen and I started hanging out together.
PETE: They had lots of steamy lesbian sex.
PROTY: One afternoon, watching his teammates play, Proty had an idea for a story: a bunch of heroes! White, Black, Orange, Elvish, Gay, Lesbian, all kinds...a Legion! A crazy Legion! Getting into leather, getting out of leather, but together, despite their differences. He was sure it would make a wonderful story, a dream of what the Legion could be. He would be first in line to read it!
KAL I hear his growl
LEX I feel his hardness
KAL He enters my rear I hear my scream
LEX And when he has begged enough I might even let him c**!
ALL: And he will fly Krypto will fly With one hell of a team!
Posted by Suddenly Seymour on :
Chapters 5 (especially Streaky) and 6 are two of the funniest parodies I've read.
Grrrrrrr
Posted by Proty II on :
Thanks, Seymour! I know it's a bit different from what's usually published here so I'm glad they still got a laugh.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
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