Here it is! The Ongoing LMBP tag-team thread. No rules, and no endings. As many subplots as you want. Let's get started.
[Edit of subject, 28 October: The sexual hijinks get quite heavy later in this thread. Inlookers should have a minimal advance warning. -- Greybird]
[ August 27, 2004, 04:48 AM: Message edited by: Nightcrawler ]
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
Once upon a time in a galaxy (M81) far far away, on a planet called Legion World, There lived a Beautiful Princess...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Legion World wasn't exactly silent, but things had quieted down in recent weeks since the fight with Thora. Semi and Vee had just gotten back to SHAKES, while Outdoor Miner was incredibly drunk stumbly out. Then it happened:
The Body of Nads-Kicker Lad fell out of the sky, and landed square in the middle of the road. It had no arms, no legs, and it's head had a triangle carved on the forehead. He wad dead as a doornail, and it was done violently.
Chaos ensued, as whatever LMBers that were around. "Another of our membership dead!" yelled Lash, to which EDE replied "at least it's not Gary Coleman. Nads-Kicker was part-time at best. Not many of us liked him. Still, too bad."
"But who did this?" asked Iron Rat. "I'll tell you who" yelled Lard Lad, "I think it was..."
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*Ha, two posts and already we replied at the same time! I love it! Let's just role with and whatever comes out, comes out!*
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
"But who did this?" asked Iron Rat. "I'll tell you who" yelled Lard Lad, "I think it was Estelle Rolle!"
The crowd murmured loudly at the mere mention of that name. A mother quieted her crying baby.
In the most fashion house in all of Legion World, the Beautiful Princess was going through her wardrobe, sorting out the hopelessly out of date from those items that could still be used by her poorer subjects. The melodious tune of the doorbell interrupted this chore. Striding down the grand staircase, the Beautiful Princess opened the door. Standing there, sopping wet was....
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...Eyrk Davis Ester. "Don't ask" he said to Princess Crujectra. "Princess we have a problem." "Is it Nads-Kicker Lad, dear? Ultra Matt is here, he already, ahem, told me about it." "No, I was going to say the toilets are back, but what's this about Nads Kicker?"
"Seems he's dead. Fell out of the sky with no arms, no legs and a triangle on his head. Lardy thinks its Estelle Rolle!" EDE cringed at the name. "It gets worse" said Crujectra, an alien armada is approaching Legion World. "They say that they are known as the..."
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
"The Morality League of Qward. They demand that we turn over Space Tart and Captain Lightbulb for unspecified crimes against nature. And in Captain Lightbulb's case there was also a mention of cruelty to Gerbils."
"I don't mind telling you EDE this is quite unsettling. I thought that Space Tart was dead. and while I would be very happy to learn that I was mistaken, and if she is alive maybe Cobie, dear boy that he is, will finally quit calling the palace at 2 am every time he has a few, I wonder where she has been?"
"And Captain Lightbulb was last seen (or is that Scene) leaving in a huff (a small Naltorian car) because none of the LMBP could figure out what sex he/she/it was."
"So How can I turn them over?"
"Be a dear, EDE, and go find them for me, Please."
Suddenly EDE found himself outside the front door of the Palace, and dry. "How does she do that" he wondered as the closing door added impetus to his exit.
Meanwhile, at Cobalt's security office...
[ October 16, 2003, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: Almost But Not Quite New Kid ]
Posted by Harbinger on :
a rather sad looking Emerald Empress tried to convey the truely heartbreaking experience she had gone through earlier that day.
But we don't need to hear about that yet! Instead we're going to cut to the Space Ranger, that paragon of all that is great and good about the Daxam race.
At present he levitating 30 feet above the polar ice caps of Legion World having a competition with Danny Blaine to see who can write out their names (in joined up writing ) in urine (their own) in one go. Poor Space Ranger is having trouble joining up his letters.
It's a lot funnier a mental picture than the awful events that have ruined poor Emerald Empresses day, but unfortunately it won't affect this story at all so we'll leave Danny and the Ranger there for a while and return to the Empress in Cobalt Kid's office just in time to hear her say .....
Posted by Space Ranger on :
*story interlude*
Just a pause whilst I LMAO.
*end interlude*
Truth and Justice shall Prevail! (and Harbinger shall pay!)
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...I'm having a bad hair day! This of course, wasn't the only reason that she was upset, but it certainly was in the top five. Some guy trying to burn her as a witch, killing another regent, her life on the line in a trial, and that Mexican food she ate hitting her hard were all big reasons too! However, what she was truly upset about was the fact that she was in Cobalt Kid's office, and all that she saw was Nad's Kickers' head being examined by Cobalt, Vee and Shark Lad. It was pretty nasty.
"I'm sorry EDE, but Space Tart really is dead. I continue to search day and night, and hope beyond hope, but one day I will find her. Until then, we'll just have to let her rest. However, now that the alien armada has heard that Spacey is dead, I hear they've demanded Hummer Lass instead! My God, have they no shame?!"
Meanwhile, somewhere else, we cut to Hummer Lass giving Lard Lad a hummer...
Back to Cobalt's office: EE decides to leave in a huff and heads back to Harem, where one of her new sex toys is waiting to be tried out. His name is John A. Misnomer, and he appears to possibly be more than he seems...
Posted by Space Ranger on :
And meanwhile, while the Empress searched dilligently for someone to relate her truely heartbreaking tale to, accross the big pond, in the Scot's version of SHAKES, (Newly franchised by the LMBPer known only as "S") Harbinger and her sometimes best mate (in the King's English version of the word, ya bunch of filthy minded Yanks!) were having a slight disagreement.
But, since no english speaking sentient can understand a single word spoken by a truely angry scotsman, we'll skip that segment.
Suffice it to say that at the end of the argument, one of them wound up spending a fantastic weekend with KOKO and Jinx in an Isolated Swiss Chateau.
I suppose we will never know just what that argument was about, readers, they won't tell. They're too busy arguing (In obscure Scots Dialects of course) about who was where that weekend.
Has the Empress found anyone to talk to yet?
Truth and justice shall Prevail! (sorry 'bout that, Sonnie)
[ October 16, 2003, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...and luckily, EE was able to find someone to talk with! Unfortunately, it was none other than the girl from the Exorcist, and she wasn't really in the best mood either.
EE continued her way to her harem, and inside she found the previously mentioned John A. Misnomer (hm, something mysterious with him), Semi and Lash Lad. While she shed her clothes to get some relaxation, she noticed that John A. Misnomer, when in the shadows, looked like he had big bug eyes, reptilian skin, a disgusting tail, and may have even appeared in issues of the X-Men during the 160's. "Nah, I'm just tired" she thought, "and a little freaked out by that Exorcist girl..."
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Meanwhile back at the Security Office.
Several LMBPers were examining the limbless corpse of Nads Kicker Lad, when an eerie thing started to happen.
“Oh crap,” said Cobalt Kid, as he stared at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.
“oh Crap,” said Super Lad kid, as he stared at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.
“oh crap,” said the other LMBPer, as he or she stared at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.
“What the hell is that?” asked Cobalt Kid still staring at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.
“What the hell is that?” asked Super Lad Kid still staring at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.
“What the hell is that?” asked the other LMBPer still staring at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.
All three LMBPers then turned to each other and said simultaneously “Huh?”
And, across the big pond In Scotland, Harbinger and Sonnie continued to argue, which of course led to many pages of untranslatable Scots cuss words (in an obscure Scots dialect of course) being entered into the congressional record by accident.
That however is not the focus of our story. The focus of our story is the investigation into the horrible and bizarre death of someone whose name I have temporarily forgotten, under unknown circumstances, which I have also temporarily forgotten, or maybe never knew, I forget which.
Anyway, now we attempt to return to the real story.
But first, we stop and peek into the Emerald Empress’s Harem Tent where we find three unconscious men and several others huddled in terror under the amazingly large bed which is so large that it is larger than the tent, but thanks to the power of the Empress’s Emerald Eye somehow fits inside the tent quite nicely, but is still large enough for the entire gay male population of Legion World to hide under while they attempt to find a way out of their newest dilemma.
Let’s listen in to a few snippets of their conversation, shall we?
“Oh crap,” said Lash Lad, as he stared at the eerie thing which had just happened.
“oh Crap,” said Icefire, as he stared at the eerie thing which had just happened.
“oh crap,” said Italian Boy as he stared at the eerie thing which had just happened.
“What the hell was that?” asked Lash Lad still staring at the eerie thing which had just happened.
“What the hell was that?” asked Icefire still staring at the eerie thing which had just happened.
“What the hell was that?” asked Italian Boy still staring at the eerie thing which had just happened.
All three gay male LMBPers then turned to each other (pointedly ignoring the multitude of other gay male LMBPers who also huddled under the bed, but had forgotten to bring along their scripts and thus did not know their repetitive but highly dramatic lines and so had been reduced to non-speaking roles in this dramatic if highly repetitive segment of the story) and said simultaneously.
“Huh?”
“What was that?” asked Icefire, who in disgust at the highly repetitive nature of the prepared dialogue, decided to improvise and ad lib freely. Kind of like flirting, he thought, in a non flirty way.
“Straight Sex,” said Lash Lad in a disgusted voice.
“Straight Sex,” said Italian Boy in a disgusted voice.
“Straight Sex,” said all of the other gay male LMBPers in a disgusted voice. (They had suddenly caught on to the highly repetitive nature of the dialogue being used in this story segment, and decided that they were not going to hold still for non speaking roles, or straight sex either, but their names had already been erased from the credits, so the recording of each individual comment was no longer allowed under SAG rules, which of course don’t really apply here but I used them anyway to avoid a bunch of typing) [Do you realize how many gay male LMBPers there are, I’d be typing for weeks]
“But Lash,” blurted Icefire, shamelessly ad libbing once again, in a slightly whiney voice for dramatic effect, “you promised us that The Space Ranger and Cobalt Kid would take care of all of that {Shudder, shudder} straight sex with the Empress stuff, and we’d be free to play among ourselves in that great big bed.”
“Ah, Shuddup Icey. How was I supposed to know that the Ranger would by out pissin’ around and Cobie would be all wrapped up in a murder mystery, just when the Empress decided she needed a good seven or eight hours of rodeo style bareback riding?” Lash retorted, matching Icefire’s ad lib and raising him two more.
“Rodeo style bareback riding? But, I thought you said that was straight sex?” ad libbed Icefire in a confused voice, (more dramatic effects there) determined to get a laugh somewhere in this crappy script.
Unfortunately, none of the other gay male LMBPers huddled under the Empress’s bed could think of a snappy ad lib to answer Icefire with, so they substituted a big pile on, which was amusing, but boring. We won’t watch.
On top of the bed, the Empress’s bad day continued. In frustration she teleported the new character, [another name I’ve already forgotten] who was only inserted into the script in an effort to placate the Empress on a really, like totally and for sure really, horrible day, to the north pole. Where he plopped directly into the Ranger’s third attempt to write his name in joined up writing. This caused the Ranger to drink another case of silverale in an attempt to generate more ink, and prevented him from returning to the harem tent in time to prevent something terrible from happening. Except that he was already way too drunk to begin [or end] with.
OK, where were we going from here? Oh, I remember.
And, across the big pond In Scotland, Harbinger and Sonnie continued to argue, which of course led to many pages of untranslatable Scots cuss words (in an obscure Scots dialect of course) being turned into a brand new movie script by Quentin Tarrantino.
Meanwhile back at the Security Office.
Several LMBPers were examining the limbless corpse of Nads Kicker Lad, when an eerie thing started to happen…
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
Cobalt Kid, Super Lad kid, and an unidentified LMBer watch in horror as a figure started to grow out of the triangle on Nads Kicker Lad's lifeless head.
Super Lad Kid "Should we kill it now?"
Cobalt Lad replied "Why do you want to kiss it?" having totally mis heard what Super Lad Kid said.
Meanwhile: Emerald Empress got out of her bed to answer the phone. "Meet me at the Parlol." whispered a soft whisper. "The Parlol???" responded the Empress. "You know know it as Shakes" click
Hmmmmm. mused the unsatisfied Empress. "Well it beats having a bunch of gay guys hiding under my bed.
The Empress was about to depart when.....
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
The Empress was about to depart when...
...she decided to down a bottle of vodka to get a nice buzz going. She then stumbled over to SHAKES as a big orgy was erupting in her harem.
Meanwhile, John A. Misnomer appeared in front of Space Ranger and Danny Blaine only to be soaked by their piss. This indignity proved to much for him, and Misnomer revealed himself to be one of the Brood! These scary X-Men alien villians were indeed the ones behind the alian armada coming, and Misnomer/Brood alien decided to blow the cover, as he attacked SP and Danny. SP and Danny, who were incredbily drunk, just assumed it was the acid that Non-Sequitor had slipped into their drinks. The Brood monster proceeded to lay eggs in both LMBers, until Space Ranger sneezed violently and killed the alien.
Danny Blaine suddenly dissapeared into the Marvel Universe to wreak terror as a Brood alien, as Mantis showed up back on Legion World. "This one senses grave evil in you Space Ranger." "Thatsh funny, I was jush about to shotgun a bud-light." "This one is worried about you. Come, let me take you back to Legion World" "Mantis, in the state I'm in, cumming may be out of the question..." With that, the Brood infested Space Ranger and Mantis prepared to return...
Meanwhile, Cobalt Kid, Super Lad Kid and Lash Lad (the other un-named LMBer who just made his way over) examined Nad's Kicker Lad's severed head, as a small being began emerging from the triangle there. "What the-?!!" yelled Cobalt, his patented saying, as the LMBers ducked down, as Madrox the Multiple Durlan leaped out of Nad's Kicker Lad's severed head and began attacking them. "LMBers, get ready, cuz the Multiple Durlan is back, and I'm taking you down!" cried out the 1970's villian! Cobalt pushed Super Lad Kid out of the way, as Lash whipped the Multiple Durlan around the neck! Magnetically, Cobalt pushed the four of them through the wall, into the street below them...
Meanwhile, EDE found Hummer Lass giving Lard Lad a hummer, and was waiting for them. "Next, I'll have to find Captain Lightbulb to come to Earth, to figure out what to do about this alien armada. Then-" Suddenly he was cut off to find Dr. Lesbon, the nympho doctor from Taltar that was following him around lately and begging for sex from him, unzipping his pants and duplicating the same technique Hummer Lass was performing on Lard Lad! "Oh no!" thought EDE, "I have a job to do and the doctor just won't stop! I guess a little felacio isn't out of the question..."
As all of these stories continued, Dev-Em flied across the cosmos with Kara on a super-secret mission. They were transporting the Emerald Dildo to a new location, so the Emerald Dildo fairy could live in peace where no one would bother her. Unfortunately...
Posted by Faraway Lad on :
As they flew close to the Rim Head Nebular, a large shape flew out of the rim and made straight for the pair.
“Kara look out” shouted Dev Em as the monstrous shape sped towards them.
But it was too late, The huge misshapen creature known only as Vaginimus had already knocked Kara unconscious in its mindless desire to “unite” with the Emerald Dildo
“fuck me” said Dev Em “ I am not getting squashed between a magical dildo and huge walking vagina” and, knowing that the creature would follow the Dildo thus leaving Kara free to recover, he turned and flew off as fast as he could in the direction of….
Posted by Vee on :
...he turned and flew off as fast as he could in the direction of…Gaynemead, that fun, frolicsome, flirty moon that always dances around Ju-peter. Vaginimus stayed in close pursuit for the entire trip, somehow able to keep up the pace set by the daring Dev-Em.
As they approached Gaynemead, Dev-Em noticed that the Emerald Dildo was violently struggling to escape his grasp. Thus distracted, Vaginimus was able to catch up and grasp his ankle in a warm, moist grip. Before he could turn to do battle however, a bright, blazing yellow light exploded from the surface of Gaynemead and hurtled towards them. Vaginimus noticed the blazing yellow light as well and released her grip on Dev-Em's ankle, unsure who posed the bigger threat.
Suddenly, in the center of the blazing yellow light both sentinents were able to make out the silhouette of.....
...the Golden Dildo of Taltar! As it sped towards them, it was heard to shout, "$Aak#asdap% (*lii &!***UAGHSA" *
(*instant omnicom translation ~ "Emmett! Emmett, I'm coming for you Emmett dear, hang on! I'll save you!)
To which the Emerald Dildo of Ekron replied "KHADTB&^ NAISY*&^@ 8(^BASJ" *
(*instant omnicom translation ~ "Gordo! Oh Gordo! I knew you'd come for me if you could! My hero!")
The Golden Dildo of Taltar threw himself at Dev-Em and began beating him about the face and mouth and backside while shooting golden bursts of showering light in all directions. As this golden shower hit Vaginimus, she screeched "Oh Mercy!" and fled into the Nunnery Nebula in the far depths of space.
Dev-Em was so startled by this strange turn of events that he lost his grip on the Emerald Dildo of Ekron. Emmett EDE immediately flew up to join Gordo GDT.
When they met there was a brilliant (and very fashionable) burst of gold and emerald light which lit the entire spacial vicinity for parsecs. As it faded, Dev-Em was left stunned, for instead of two matching gay dildos, Emmett EDE & Gordo GDT had joined together to form...
...Star 69 which settled above Gaynemead's south pole. Ever since, Star 69 has served as a signal star (sort of like a bandana in days of old) silently announcing Gaynemead's true orientation. It's said that the Dildo Fairy has joined them and the three of them lived happily ever after (don't all fairy tales end that way? )
But that's a story for another day. For now let us return to Cobalt Kid's Office of Security where ...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*Vee, it doesn't get more genius than that *
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...Cobalt's security office, where Cobalt, Super Lad Kid and Lash Lad knocked Madrox the Multiple Durlan outside of his office into the streets of Legion World. Feeling the ghost of Chris Claremont in the viscinity of him (who haunted Legion World BTW in an unrevealed Legion World story), Cobalt shouted "Durlan, quarter will be neither asked nor given! Come and meet my magnetic fury!", as he used his magnetism to pull the Durlan into the air. As it stretched it's arms and legs out as swords at Cobalt Kid, Lash Lad whipped them together, as Cobalt used his magnetism to hold him still. Knowing this was only one of the Durlan's clone selves and not his real one, then proceeded to rip the Durlan apart, as a cascade of Durlan entrails and guts fell downward onto the head of Super Lad Kid, who uttered the ever-witty "aw, gross!".
"A bit brutal Cobie?" said Lash, to which Cobalt replied "not really. I knew it was only the clone, and since clones aren't sentient by Durlan standards, it's not technically killing. Anyway, this proves that Madrox is related somehow to the Nad's Kicker murder. Now we have to figure out who else is involvded, cuz the Durlan sure as hell can't make bodies fall out of thin air!"
Meanwhile, the alien armada that was secretly the Brood hovered over Earth, waiting for Hummer Lass or Captain Lightbulb to be delivered, or the alian in Space Ranger to grow. However, even they were being watched by...
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
An ancient and powerful space entity known as "the ONE from M81" a being as old as the cosmos itself.
Unfortunately, great age does not always bring great wisdom. and the being known as "the ONE from M81" was and is only slightly more intelligent than a soggy oreo cookie. Think Homer Simpson dead drunk.
"the ONE from M81" is however extremely powerful in a Tenzil Kim sort of way. And right now the brood batle ship reminded it of an enticing appetizer.
"the ONE from M81" opens its huge mouth and...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...was suddenly filled with the entity known as Vaginus! Yes, the most cosmic cunnilingus ever took place for the next few minutes, as people throughout the cosmos inexplicitly experienced orgasms to such a powerful degree, that they could never have sex afterwards! In fact, these beings took a turn towards abstinence, and would create the Church of the Great Orgasm, which would haunt the LMBP in it's future, two years from now!! Remember this LMBers.
Onboard the alien armada, the Brood were really getting anxious. They were hungry, horny and a bit miffed that they had to hide themselves under the guise of morality officers. "Fuck it" said Glib'ymb, a Brood officer. "Let's go fuck that place up". "No, you blithering, blathering, blundering idiot" replied Marvin, another Brood officer. "We must wait."
Meanwhile, Captain Lightbulb came to Earth as requested, just as EDE finished himself off into Dr. Lesbon's mou-, ah well, you get the picture. EDE welcomed his friend, as Lardy and Hummer Lass joined them. Lardy had that "I just got a BJ from Kid Prime's mom and want to rub it in his face look", but EDE knew there was too much to do. As Greybird Boy and Arachne joined them, they all reported to Princess Crujectra to discuss the alien armada.
Meanwhile, Nad's Kicker Lad's severed head remained on Cobalt's desk, as Lash, Cobalt, Super Lad Kid and now Vee and Semi joined them. Suddenly it exploded onto Super Lad Kid! "Dammit!" he yelled, covered again with entrails! "What the fuck!" As Lash and Vee snickered, Cobalt suddenly saw a clue to Nad's Kicker's killer: an arm chair leg tucked into his abdullah oblangatta (spelling is for losers anyway ). "Hm," he thought, "the Multiple Durlan and now this..."
Posted by Shark Beast Avatar on :
... painful rectal itching! It's enough to drive me insane!"
"Hey Cobie, we've all been there" said Lash sympathetically, "Once I had to go through a whole case of Preparation H before I could ..."
"Enough! Can we get back to the business at hand" interrupted Super Lad Kid.
Cobie took his hand out of his pants and said ...
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
Cobie took his hand out of his pants and said "Oh what a good boy am I!" Lash said "Hey diddle diddle!" And Super Lad Kid said "And Jill came tumbling after!" The three LWMBers looked perplexed at each other. Cobalt Kid said "Where is the little boy who looked after the sheep?" Cobalt Kid clamped his hand over his mouth. Grabbing a pad of paper, Cobalt Kid wrote "What is happening?" and turned it towards his companions. Their continued perplexed looks made Cobalt Kid to look at the writing on the pad. It read "Have you any wool?"
In a dark cavern, lit only by the glow of a monitor, a mysterious figure observes the goings on in the Security Office. "YES! My Nuwsewy Whyme Way Wowks Pewfectwy! Now my Wevenge can Begin! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Meanwhile: As Captain Lightbulb, in his new neon pink speedos, Lardy, EDE, Hummer Lass, Greybird Boy, and Arachne entered the stately Crujectra manor....
[ October 20, 2003, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Quislet, Esq ]
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
and were greated by her butler, Alfred Davis Esther.
Yes the long line of EDE clones continues.
More to the point however, Lardy turned to Hummer Lass and said, "Not Now."
Grey Bird Boy loked at ADE and said, "Why does Crujectra live in a mansion instead of a palace?"
Hummer Lass got to her feet and with a pertty little pout said, "Would you like a Hummer ADE?"
To which ADE replied, "I already have a perfectly suitable car, a Yugo."
Meanwhile back at the Ranch...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Meanwhile back at the Ranch (Ranch? Cool!)...
...Raging Bull was teaching Almost New Kid, Homecoming Queen and Faraway Lad how to lasso up a bull and bring him up. Unbeknownst to them, their was a secret spy inside the Ranch, although this subplot will not be revealed until at the very least page seven.
As they were hanging out and enjoying their day in a non-sexual manner, Space Ranger and Mantis suddenly arrived, as Space Ranger drunkenly puked ever where! "Gross", said Faraway, "tell your brother to knock it off". "No way" said ANK, "I'm the one whose supposed to be annoying..."
"This one does not think it is the alcohal" replied Mantis. But something has changed in the Space Ranger suddenly." What she did not know was that a Brood egg was hatching in SP, and that the Brood armada waited to invade Legion World...
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
In Space, Low Above Legion World
The Brood Battle Cruiser prepares for an assault. Instruments aboard that ship have detected the imminent hatching of the egg implanted in Space Ranger's butt by the now destroyed John A. Misnomer. Marvin the senior officer aboard the ship has decided that he is tired of waiting for his Hummer, or Yugo, as the case may be, and is preparing to take direct action against our stalwart heros.
Unfortunately for the Brood however, an unresolved plot line from the previous adventure (See LMBP The fight against Thora for details) is about to raise it's ugly head, or to put it more accurately, make a big STINK!!!
For several time parts (Time duration in these stories is only slightly less fuzzy than the plot) a mixture of Sauerkraut, 9 Alarm Chili and Bratwurst has been rumbling in the Ranger's guts. Add the fact that his recent "Talent Competition" with Danny Blane was fueled by approximately 3 cases of Michelob, and a quart of JWB, things in the Ranger's intestinal tract have reached what can mildly be described as a "Critical Mass."
Mantis is the first to notice the rather strange expression when it appears on the Ranger's face She does not understand what is happening but her cosmic awareness is screaming at her to vacate the area, FAST. Also to bury her head in the nearest pile of Bull Manure she can find. She Knows better than to argue with her somewhat vague talent. It always pops up later and says "Nah, Nah, Told Ya So!!"
Moving quickly she grabs the other LMBPers and heads for Raging Bull's barn where she knows, again because her talent has said "Git in the barn, Bitch!", the protective layer of Bull Manure will be the thickest.
Behind them they can hear the faint but very, very, extremely, drunk voice of the Ranger giggling as he says, "Pull my finger"
Marvin, the senior Brood officer, watches in disbelief as the LMBPers flee the area where his ship has just landed. Not only are the LMBPers cowards he thinks as they dive head first into a pile of Male Bovine Animal Excrement, but they left the admittedly encapacitated prize undefended.
"Go ahaid, silly, just pull my finger!"
Marvin turns to see the Space Ranger bent over with his ass pointed at the Brood Battle Cruiser and one hand with index finger extended stretched out in his direction. Curiously he reaches out and gives that finger a small tug.
As he touches the Ranger's finger a small voice in the back of Marvin's head can be heard repeating the immortal phrase "You're really fucked now, Brood Boy..."
Moments later after the Echoes of the Ranger's incredible BRAPPP, FIZZST, BBRRAAPPPP, Ahhhh What a relief that was, have resounded two and 16/24ths of the way around Legion World (twice) our stalwart heros begin to crawl out of the huge pile of Male Bovine Animal Excrement that saved their lives. They do however (On the advice of ABNQNK, who has been through the aftermaths of Rangers binges before) stuff their noses with said Male Bovine Animal Excrement in order to ensure that they will have a reasonably breatheable air supply.
The scene they witness is...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...is one of pure horror. Feces and Brood guts layer the ground everywhere around them. The air so putrid, that none can really breath. Space Ranger flies through the air, now dead sober after such a royal shit, and scopes out the alian armada. "Hm, how about that. Looks like their all gone, and I didn't even know about it."
Danny Blaine, retaking his position as Mantis is drawn back, speaks next saying "maybe we should get the fuck out here?" "Good idea" says Faraway, as he makes them go faraway to the LMBP headquarters. There, they notice Cobalt's security office is surprisingly quiet (as Lash, Super Lad Kid and he can no longer say coherent sentences that make sense, although they aren't aware of this yet). As the prepare to tell Princess Crujectra the alian armada is defeated, they are shocked to find that a new threat has risen...
----- Epilogue: the Brood egg of John A. Misnomer arises out of the feces. He is now a living Brood feces sentient being, a piece of shit who lives off others shit. And he will one day have his revenge on Space Ranger. From this day forth, "Brood-Shit" is an enemy of the LMBP!
Posted by Numf El on :
Epi-Epilogue:
Back in Scotland, Sonnie and Harbi are dangling inches above the ground, being held only by the ears. Numph-El, Sonnies bigger, uglier and downright nastier brother is one of the few sentient beings left in Legionworld who can understand the stramache that has gone on between them , in their mithir tongue "Doric". Not even Weegies could understand what the Furry Booters were on about.
"Shut yer wheesht the pair a yiz! Yer baith fechtin' like a coupla jessies. Yi twa feel puddocks, if yi dinna stoap I'll rip aff yer airms'n' legs an' hit yiz oan the heid wi ma Toblerone! "Shit, that's a bit of a give away.........."
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*Yeah, Numf-El is here!*
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*Yeah, Numf-El is here!*
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
"A new threat has arisen!" shrieked Fat Cramer, running as fast as she could into Cobalt's security office. "Something terrible has happened to Amber and Umber and the Boyz, they've been chasing me for two hours trying to give me Botox injections! I think they're being mind-controlled by the Brood. And they don't even have minds to begin with!"
Then, to her horror, FC realized that four kilted figures were materializing in the office. Sonnie, Harbinger and Numf-el had been transported and were continuing their peculiar Scottish-dialect argument (or so it appeared), but were now accompanied by the dreaded Bagpipes Boy.
Posted by Blockade Boy on :
Blockade Boy: "nice skirt." Bagpipes Boy: "shut ya yap."
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
"Begorrah!" cried Bagpipes Boy.
"Um...isn't that Irish?" asked Vee.
"Crap. Yer right. So much for you lot then." said Bagpipes Boy. And before anyone could stop him, the sounds of Amazing Grace filled the Security Office.
The agony was unbearable.
**************************
Meanwhile, Outdoor Miner kept drinking.
Posted by Harbinger on :
Thankfully, for once, the Universe was kind and Bagpipe Boy was suddenly sucked out of existence by a kindly mini-blackhole that happened to be out on a shopping trip to Legion Worlds top milinewr that day. The blackhole may have been one of the most deadly forces in the universe but that didn't mean that even it could stand the cat-being-strung-up-by-it's-privates type meowling sound that BB was generating so simply ate him up in a single SCHULLRP!!!!
The beautiful silence that followed the very short but deservedly painful death of Bagpipe Boy was broken by the shocking announcement from Outside Miner that.....
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
...that one of the Brood had survived the cataclysmic attack. Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood had been sighted, headed this way and carrying a tin whistle and a bhoran.
"This could be even worse than the bagpipes," muttered Outdoor Miner. "That's what you get for saying 'begorrah', you get a Celtic music invasion. If Harbinger, Sonnie and Numf-el would just stop arguing, maybe they could put an end to this terrible threat."
Posted by Harbinger on :
Unfortunately the chances of that happening, as Sonnie had just hidded Harbinger's favourite stapler in a moment of childishness, was very very slim - we're talking this chance makes Ronn Kar on a Calissa Flockhart (however you spell her name, you know, Ally McBeal stick insect woman) diet look fat! - so their arguement raged on as viciously as ever, their slang getting thicker and and less understanable - even to themselves - as the seconds ticked by.
Fat Cramer, in a moment of purest genius that would go down as one of the true Legion World Legendary Ideas announced.....
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
...Fat Cramer announced, "Time for tea! Everybody take five, relax and we'll find a solution for this later. Besides, I have summoned the most dire weapon on Legion World: the two LORI MORNINGS!"
Posted by Harbinger on :
************** interlude to say -
Pure Genius 'Cramer!!
end interlude****************
Posted by Vee on :
Suddenly, dueling dual duars appeared in mid air and began a deadly deadening duet!
ABNQNKid yelled "Ahhhh! What's that? Make it stop!"
FC replied "Oh, that's right, you've never experienced the appearance of two LORI MORNINGS have you. There is nothing more ... physically painful than having the two of them around. Just wait, this is just the intro, it gets worse!"
As she finished, the dueling dual duars seemed to shimmer in mid air and what appeared to be matched holes appeared. From inside each one stepped identical Loris!
"So! After all this time, you've finally realized that only I can save Legion World! It's about time you called on me." said Lori Morning.
"No, you idiotic impersonator, they didn't call you! They called me because they know only I can save them!" replied LoriMorning.
"You can not, only I can!" argued Lori Morning
"No you can't, it's me they need!" retorted LoriMorning
"NO, me!" yelled Lori Morning
"No....ME! shouted LoriMorning
"ME!
"NO.. ME!"
"ME, bitch!" screeched Lori Morning
"Bitch? I'll show you!" screamed LoriMorning and launched herself at Lori Morning.
It was at this point that Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood arrived with his tin whistle and bhoran. LoriMorning ducked and Lori Morning flew over her and landing on top of Marvin. LoriMorning then jumped on her (them) and they got into a classic cartoon catfight!
As the others watched, the fight, they could ocassionally see an arm with a tin whistle, or a Lori Morning leg sticking out from the melee.
Finally, the tumult wound down and the LMBPers were able to see the result. To their surprise...
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
Finally, the tumult wound down and the LMBPers were able to see the result. To their surprise...
Meanwhile somewhere in time and space: Non-Sequitor said "We're safe for now, thank God we're in a bowling alley."
Back in regular time and space: Finally, the tumult wound down and the LMBPers were able to see the result. To their surprise...
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
To their surprise, they were all out of tea and biscuits. So they ordered some more, contemplating the sorry result of the battle that lay before their eyes. The two Lori Mornings emerged from a cloud of dust and destruction, carrying Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood between them.
"Well, that's that. Any other problems you need fixing?" asked LoriMorning. Lori Morning stuck out her tongue.
"Anyone feel like bowling?" asked Arachne.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
"I do" said Mordru, the wife of Mordru, out of thin air. This was one hot babe, except for the fact that she had a big white snowy beard! Worse, she had magical power, and used it to destroy all the tea and cookies in a ten mile radius! The LMBPers fell to the ground in tears, while Fat Cramer's eyes flared up in rage! Even Harbinger, Sonnie and Numf-El stopped their arguement (none could understand it by now anyway, it had strangely turned into the ancient language of the Huns). Even Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood teamed up with the LMBP, since he was world-renowned for his love of tea!
FC led the charge against Mordra, as this time, the LMBP cut loose!!!!
Meanwhile, the group of LMBers with Crujeckie and Captain Lightbulb wondered what to do now that the alien invasion was over. Little did they know that...
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Meanwhile, the group of LMBers with Crujeckie and Captain Lightbulb wondered what to do now that the alien invasion was over. Little did they know that Captain Lightbulb's next idea would be so profound that it would change all of them forever!
But as his lightbulb lit up, Antequated Forms of Communication Lass suddenly appeared on the scene with a dire warning...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...the world is imperiled! The universe itself is crashing in on itself! The devourer of worlds is coming! Climactus!"
Captain Lightbulb thought now might be a good time to express his idea, so...
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
so CL says, "Guys, I have an idea! What if..."
But before he could finish his sentence, the Princess suddenly spoke up, "Wait! If this is really AFoCL, then why his she speaking to us normally? Doesn't she always try to send us messages in some unorthodox and antequated manner?"
As the assembled LMBers contemplated the possibility that this was not their friend Antequated Forms of Communication Lass, but instead an imposter, one of them started pointing at the sky and yelling...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
"Look, up in the sky!" said Grey Bird Boy
"It's a turd!" said Lard Lad
"No, it's insane!" said Crujeckie finally!
"It's a huge amount of semen and vaginal secretion, falling down on Legion World! Disgusting!"
"Hahaha!" yelled ATFC Lass, as she suddenly turned into one of the LMBP's feared and dreaded enemy! She was the one who dropped Nads Kicker Lad out of the sky with no limbs, sent Madrox the Multiple Durlan against them, and then took away the power of speech from Lash, Super Lad and Cobalt Kid when they had figured out the mystery! The cum falling down from the sky was actually part of something else bigger! For she was...!
Posted by Harbinger on :
************
interlude
two posters in the time it took me to reply, I mus get on a touch typing course!
end interlude ****************
[ October 21, 2003, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: Harbinger ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
quote:Originally posted by Harbinger: ************
interlude
two posters in the time it took me to reply, I mus get on a touch typing course!
end interlude ****************
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
Laughing so hard that she tore a hole in the space/time continum and dissapeared. None of the LMBPers had a chance to see who she really was.
Although Lardy thought he knew, but he was wrong and whoever he thinks it is, it can't be, so just ask him who it is if you want to know who it isn't. Kapeesh?
And anyway, because nature abhores a Vacuum, Except in the case of Hummer Lass, or Yugo Lass, whichever she is in this story, the evil Villaness was instantly repalced by Bagpipes Boy.
Bagpipes Boy looked around intently until he spotted Harbinger, then with an evil smile he raised his pipes to his lips, inflated his bag, and began to blow...
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
...and was immediately felled by the Lard Force.
"Perfect, Lardy", said Crujeckie. "One more note out of you and you'll get turned into some European country, Bagpipes."
The others were trying to wipe assorted celestial secretions off themselves, when Grey BIrd Boy said, "Perhaps we can convince Bagpipes Boy to join us in our fight against injustice."
"Anything!"intoned Bagpipes Boy. "Just don't send me back to that space vacuum. Here - I'll share my fudge with you. And I can tell you what Antiquated Forms of Communication Lass was up to - she's really my twin sister!"
"Okay, pal," said Lard Lad. "Spill it. But don't squeak on the high notes."
Bagpipes Boy then revealed a plan so deadly that even the most battle-hardened of our heroes were shocked.
"So that's what she's planning", growled Fat Cramer. "There's only one way to stop this..."
Posted by Space Ranger on :
But first we really must find a new source of tea and biscuts. I'm totaly, like realy, fatigued and I need a quick pick me up.
So, because their leader fat Cramer was feeling just a little under the weather, the LMBPers retired back into wherever it was that they just came out of. (Note to self: I've realy got to read more of the story before I post)
And anyway Crujectra and several of the other LMBPers wanted a shower, and even those who didn't want a shower, wanted to help Crujectra with hers. But before any of the shower scenes - which are very important to an opus of this magnitude - could be written, something amazing interupted the proceedings.
Something Amazing appeared before them and Introduced himself.
"Hello one and all," he smiled in that amazing way of his, "my name is Something Amazing."
He then produced a large platter of amazing biscuts and a pot of amazing tea. The LMBPers were, well... Amazed.
"I shall be off now." He said amazingly. "I must get back to the Amazing Cave and whip up an Amazing dinner for you all to be amazed by later. Ta-Ta."
And amazingly, he simply dissapeared.
Lardy stared at the vacant spot where their visitor had just stood and muttered, "First person who says, that was amazing, gets a Lard Force kick in the ass."
Meanwhile Crujectra used the confusion generated by Something Amazing's amazing appearance to slip quietly away to the showers. After locking the door, and throwing all seventeen deadbolts, plugging thirty two peepholes, and mentally projecting an illusion of steam clouds throughout the room, she disrobes, and steps into the shower only to find...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...only to find that her illusion powers were spinning out of control! She now realized that she had just been under the influence of Climactus, and had created several illusions to discourage the LMBP from getting involved!
What she had done was make it seem like the female helping Climactus had dissapeared when she had not! The female now hovered near the LMBP, although they did not know where!
Bagpipes Boy had come back to join the LMBP, although whether he was on their side or not, none could really tell. Was he trustworthy or another agent of Climactus and his female ally?
Crujeckie was not even disrobed, so there would be no nudity shots of her either! "Dammit!" yelled Cobalt Kid from his computer!
Crujeckie immediately stopped her illusions, as the LMBP found themselves in the middle of a grassy knoll, sitting in a circle. Bagpipes Boy was there, as was Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood, now an LMBP ally, and Captain Lightbulb. The skies were still covered with semen, Climactus was still attacking. The mysterious female was still a mystery (though Lardy's answer is still wrong, so just ask him to eliminate one possiblity).
"What do we do now?" said Lash Lad suddenly arriving with Cobalt Kid and Super Lad Kid. "When you learned it was Climactus," said Cobalt, "Crujeckie sent a mental projection to her brother Crusader on the outpost, who sent me one with his telepathic powers. This knowledge snapped the three of us out of our state of not being able to talk. It was Climactus and his ally who did that to Nad's Kicker Lad. And I think I know who she is, and why Nad's Kicker is involved. Captain Lightbulb, do you have any idea"
Before he could answer, the omni-com went off! It was Fat Cramer, (who was not there with them remember)! Her team was being attacked by Whordru (or Mordra, whatever you want to call her), the hot chick with the big beard and magic powers! They needed help desperately! With two fronts of battle, EDE decided...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Ahem! Excuse me, Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood is with Fat Cramer's group fighting Whordru, not with Captain Lightbulb's group. Maybe a summary may be in order to explain which LMBers are where!
Whatever the case, post away and get as crazy as you want! Whatever continuity is wrecked, someone will fix it!
*end Interlude*
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
*Quualude*
Okay, Cobie I'll read before posting... Sheesh...
But Somthing Amazing will return...
And Crujeckie's group definately needs a shower...
*Quualude wears off*
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
With two fronts of battle, EDE decided...
that his first priority was to stop the rift in the space-time continuum through which the two teams were intermingling.
"I can't tell who is where, and who is fighting whom at this point", he sighed. "We'll never fight off our foes if this keeps going. Fortunately, the Lard Force can travel across space-time, so perhaps I can use Lardy on both fronts. But I don't want to wear him out."
He acknowledged Fat Cramer on the Omnicom. "What's the news with Whordru, FC?" he asked.
"It's been rough, Eryk", she replied. "But I think we'll hold her off. She keeps tripping on her beard and she's beginning to tire. I'm just worried about you guys, Bagpipes was here, now I guess he's slipped through space-time into your group. I don't trust him. I think his bagpipes are really some elaborate sex-toy. Just a warning."
"Oh, no!" cried EDE. "I just saw him heading for Crujeckie..."
Posted by Vee on :
"Oh, no!" cried EDE. "I just saw him heading for Crujeckie..."
"Don't worry, Eryk, just keep the space-time continuum rift through which the teams were intermingling open for a moment and I'll send the exact help that you need!" FC replied.
Moments later through the rift can the help that FC mentioned...the two Lori Mornings!!!!!
"Oh, groan!" groaned Eryk "FC, why you do dis to me!" but he got no reply because in his startlement at seeing the two Loris, he had let the rift close. "Great, now WE'RE stuck with them!"
"Here I come to save the day!" sang LoriMorning
"Get her! Now she thinks she's Mighty Mouse, or Deputy Dog or one of those other cartoon heroes!" scoffed Lori Morning.
"I am a hero!" protested LoriMorning "Didn't I stop that evil Marvin of the Brood?"
"No you didn't, I did!" said Lori Morning
"Did not! I did" argued LoriMorning
"Liar!" I did!" challenged Lori Morning
"Don't you call me a liar, bitch!" screamed LoriMorning and with that she launched herself at Lori Morning.
Lori Morning tried to duck but LoriMorning was ready for that move this time and landed squarly on her. The two of them immediately transformed into the traditional cartoon catfight with Lori legs and Morning arms peeking out from the tumult on occasion.
The screeching they produced as they battled was horrendous, sounding like a combination of fingernails scratching down a chalk board and someone stepping on a cat's tail.
As the pitch of the screeching reached it's apex, a sonorous humming resounded through the area and Bagpipe Boy's bagpipes exploded in a cacophony of screeches & caterwaling.
The aftermath of the explosion not only left Bagpipe Boy bagless (or rather, pipeless) it revealed him to be none other than....
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
*Semi Unplanned Story Interuption*
Somewhere Else in the space/time continum, or conundrum as the case may be...
Something Amazing and Non-Sequitor sat down to a scrumpdillishious meal of fried chicken and mixed metaphors.
Which was actually amazing not because they were in the Amazing Cave, which they were, but because Non-Sequitor wasn't really there. But the solid light image of Non-Sequitor that was there for mysterious and totally unknown reasons had wrapped the tablecloth around his head and was using the fried chicken to channel the spirit of Foghorn Leghorn. What news of imprtance the spirit of Foghorn Leghorn gave the phony Non-Sequitor we will not know for at least three pages, because I said so.
Something Amazing failed to notice any of this as he was busy preparing a basket of split infinitives with shrimp and watercress. For desert he planned to serve Key Bannananana Pie with Liver and Walnut Ice Cream.
He dearly hoped that the LMBP would appreciate his thoughtfullness and reward him with an autographed tee-shirt.
Just thought you'd like to know this.
Now back to our story...
[ October 24, 2003, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: Almost But Not Quite New Kid ]
Posted by Harbinger on :
Bagpipe Boy was revealed to be none other than yet another of ANBNQKid's alter egos, this time he was trying to trace his family tree when a freak lightning bolt blew a book on Scots ancestry through a radioactive meteorite shower into a trans-dimensional Bag Pipe set that just happened to be passing by on a year out from the University of Dundee(as they do, see them everywhere these day) and it collided full onto ANBNQKid's face and, trust me- I'm a teacher - he was deeply affected on a subatomic level, somehow or another (and lets face facts, realistic scientific effects aren't really a prerequisite here so I'll skip this semi-psuedo-sci-fi-mumbo-jumbo soon)and the Being who would become known one day as Bagpipe Boy was born.
Now your homework tonight class is to say that last serntence (bit in brackets included) three times really fast without stopping for breath and rtemember to have a paramedics number on re-dial for afterwards.
Class dismissed.
And While Harbinger gets over a traumatic days teaching by pouring herself another glass of wine someone else can (please!!) take over this story for a post or two.
Please.
Posted by Harbinger on :
And as everyone on this board has obviously been watching my third years and have decided to mimic them and do the opposite of what I ask I'll continue, but be warned! I haven't read this thread all the way through so it may all go horribly wrong. In which case there's only one solution that could bring happiness and peace of mind to you, grentle reader, and that quite simply is to blame Sonnie as he introduced me to this board!
Now before we get to with the story a quick recap - ANBNQKid has been revealed as none other that Bagpipe Boy, who as we are all aware is automatically wanted for crimes against Scottish Heritage in whichever reality he appears! In fact on Earth 616 recently the Blob, that arch villain who looks remarkably like my departmental boss incidently (only she has more facial hair and a nice range in black dresses)... anyway... Fred J Dukes sat on him after a large meal of Mexican thrice fried beans and carbonated cabbage water and we can guess that the explosion that followed BB trying to produce a sonic attack resulted in him being blown into this reality.
Well it's a suggestion anyway.
So where are we again?
Oh yes, Cramer inspiringly suggested we stop for tea and biscuits, and that sounds like a jolly good idea only I have to post something that might add to this story.
Here goes...
In a moment of pure wonderful coincidence, you know that one-in-a-million shot that somehow always manages to work out? Yes that sort (Gawd it's great to re-read Terry Pratchett after several years off)the Two Loris decide to simaltaneously dial their H dials and to everyones total amazement the BOTH become "Return to Original Dimension Girl" and in activating their dimension hopping talent they produce a great POOOF! of multi coloured smoke, sparks and a strange slightly musky smelling multi coloured cloth doorway that looks vaguely familiar to Crujectra.
"Oh my , it's an entrance to Senor Widebottom's amazing pantaloons" She cries with a cute little clap of her hands and a bounce of her pert breasts.
"You know what that means?" She asks, "It means......."
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
Meanwhile back at the other place, which is of course different from the place we just were, Fat Cramer sighed heavily as she watched Whordru trip herself for the 27th consecutive time.
"Why," She (FC not Whordru) asked herself, "do I always end up leading the team against the more ridiculous of the two possible threats?"
Deciding that she had plenty of time to assess the situation (Whordru had just fallen again) FC looked at her team with a coldly speculative eye.
Sonnie Boy and Harbinger were still arguing in that obscure Scottish dialect. Numf-El had given up on trying to separate them and started playing a game of chess with Outdoor Miner. Petty Officer Marvin was eyeing Rody the Super Rat (Where the hell did he come from?) speculatively, but FC couldn't tell if the Brood Sailor was hungry or horny (randy?) and to be honest didn't really want to know. ABNQNKid stood a little way away from the loud scottish argument furiously scribbling notes in a small notebook. Blockade Boy seemed to have dissapeared, again. Only Vee appeared to have even noticed Whordru's less than furious assault on them.
FC then gave the eye back to it's owner, Coldly Speculative Lass, who swiftly departed.
"Well," She thought, "a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."
With her mind made up she nodded at Vee, who smiled and waved his hand negligently in the direction of Whordru. Whordru immediately began to shrink. Within seconds she had gone from being a 40 foot tall, beautiful (but very heavily bearded) woman to being a 4'11' short, beautiful (but now extremely heavily bearded) woman, because Vee had shrunk everything but her beard. She fell again, but this time no one noticed because she was lost in a sea of hair.
FC then began to stalk her nearly helpless foe...
[ October 23, 2003, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Almost But Not Quite New Kid ]
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Claws extended, she pounced, grabbed Whordru and flung her about in the air a few times, then dropped her in a very large Hav-a-Heart cage.
"That's that" she sighed, as Numf-el threw a tartan (clan unknown) blanket over the cage.
"We may regret letting her live", counseled Outdoor Miner. "Checkmate" said Rody.
"I wonder how that messy battle with Climactus is going", mused Harbinger.
Posted by Almost But Not Quite New Kid on :
*interlude*
Okay, Quis, the post about Something Amazing and Non-Sequitor in the Amazing Cave has been edited.
Happy?
*End Interlude*
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Princess Crujectra looked around herself in amazement. “Double Dagnabit,” she muttered in a very ladylike way, “this is twice in one story that someone has turned my own powers against me.”
She then banished all illusions for the rest of the story, or the rest of this post, with the way someone was messing with her powers, she couldn’t be sure which.
Off panel, somewhere else, someone else laughed a very evil laugh.
She (PC, not the other someone) looked around in horror. Cum and Vaginal Secretions were still raining out of the sky. Half of her team was almost drowning in the sticky fluids. And worse, the two Lori Mornings weren’t illusions, they were actually here and EDE was down, exhausted from his efforts to close the tear in the space/time continuum, he couldn’t send the little bitches back.
Gathering herself as best she could, she inspected her team with a coldly speculative eye, wondering as she did so just how Coldly Speculative Lass had arrived so quickly.
Lash lad lay face up in a pool of sticky fluid making body fluid angels, Cobalt and Lardy were vainly attempting to cover themselves with large latex thingies, EDE sat with his head down against the tree at the top of the hill, its branches protecting him from the body fluid shower, Super Lad Kid and the Space Ranger were pummeling Bagpipes Boy, and the two Lori Mornings were engaged in a furious argument over just exactly what was pouring out of the sky.
Crujectra sighed heavily and gave the eye back to Coldly Speculative Lass who as usual promptly disappeared.
“Ranger, SLK,” she called out in her best voice of command, (useful ability that, and one she only developed after the last election, it causes all males in her area to obey her instructions, without pausing to look at her cleavage) “Get rid of Climactus.”
Instantly the Ranger flew directly at the female half of Climactus, (which caused SLK to mutter under his breath “Friggin Pussy Hound”) and Super Lad Kid projected the smell of GRL’s mullet (after nine days without a shower) around the male half of Climactus.
The male half of Climactus instantly wilted and shrank to a tenth of its former size its attack over, but the female half reddened and doubled its output of fluid in anticipation of the Rangers attack. A huge gush of vaginal fluid poured out in the Ranger’s direction, which he easily dodged. Unfortunately Lash Lad was not as lucky and he was soon heard muttering “Eeww Gross.”
Once again the Ranger flew directly at his opponent and once again it tried to drown him in bodily secretions. But now the volume of fluid expelled was much less, as the Ranger’s repeated feints and thrusts without ever actually making contact, much less penetrating the awaiting membranes, were causing the female half of Climactus to dry up in frustration. A few more non contact passes were all it took. Both halves of Climactus were shriveled and dry. They fell to the ground and lay semi intertwined, spent and useless, but extremely frustrated.
The Ranger and Super Lad Kid each gave a little snort of triumph, and then returned to pummeling Bagpipes Boy.
“Well,” thought Crujectra with a sigh of relief, “that’s over, maybe now I can take a shower.”
But, somewhere else, someone else had something else planned for her…
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...none other than the Church of the Great Orgasm! Yes, the people created on page two, but who weren't supposed to show up for two years. When the space time continium was altered, this changed, and here they were. Unfortunately for them, they looked like the stereotypical bad guy group that all Marvel Heroes fight every now and again, such as AIM, Hydra, the TaskMaster's guys, etc. They didn't really look effective at all. Cobalt Kid magnetically picked them up, and threw them into a puddle of ejaculative goo. "Killers of the Climactus... we will have our revenge." they muttered, but unfortunately, if this post were a comic book, it would have been drawn by Rob Liefield, so this is about the extent of the story for this episode.
Meanwhile, Whordru fell over her beard a 8838th time, and decided to just give up and teleport away. "that was fuckin' weak!" yelled Vee. Suddenly, both teams simultaneously appeared together, as EDE's strange way of controlling the time/space continium ended, and they were joined together. All breathed a sigh of relief, except those holding their breath from all the bodily fluids still around.
Harbinger, Sonnie and Numf-El were stragely talking in an Anciet Persian/modern Estonian dialect now, though it could be understood no better.
The two Lori Mornings also seemingly dissapeared, although Lard Lad had a menacing grin on his face that suggested he'd had enough of them.
And then in a ceremony remincient of Supergirl joining the Legion, Marvin of the Brood and Captain Lightbulb were awarded Honorary LMBP membership, as everyone drank tea and ate biscuits finally!!!
But alas, there are many unresolved plots! For the woman who was helping Climactus, was behiind the death of Nads Kicker and was an old enemy of the LMBP saw this as the perfect oppurtunity to strike!!!
Also, the Emerald Empress finally arrived at SHAKES (from page one) to find that the mysterious person waiting to meet her was actually the legendary evil...
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Elf, who had already been run over by a delivery truck in the alley outside SHAKES. He was very, very dead and she was very very drunk, so she went home to sleep it off.
*Eddie Tor's Notes & stuff* Dis stupid friggen Elf dude is from way back in the Champions Volume 1. You guys wot is older dan dirt, likes I yam, shud member, dis dude. He'd show up somewhere in like each issue fer abouts a year or so an off some joik. Den he'd vanish, like ita thin air or sumthin, ya know. Eventlly he got hisself hit by a truck, and never even met da Champion dudes, who if I member correct like was da junyer x-punks of da time. Well, anyways since Cobie's tryin ta toin dis board inta some kinda junyer league x-punk rip off, wot wit da brood guy, an climacticus, an fat freddie dukes, even dough I managed ta retcon his fat ass right outta here, I figgered it was onny a matter o' a few more pages or so before he'da bring dis doof up, so I'm jes beat'n him to da punch an' killin dis punk like right now, so dere Cobie-Cakes, take dat.
*back story*
The Empress arrived at SHAKES so drunk that even Icey who was filling in behind the bar wouldn't serve her.
She looked around the room, remembering suddenly that someone had called and asked her to meet him at the Palol, why she was at SHAKES she couldn't remember, but just on the off chance thar whoever it was, was just as drunk and confused as she was, she decided to go to the ladies room.
Unfortunately she went through the wrong door and found a dead elf in the alley. Taking this as an indication that she should go sleep it off, she does that. On the way home she wonders briefly if all those gay guys are still under her bed, but she forgets all about that by the time she gets home and passes out.
Meanwhile back at the Ranch...
[ October 24, 2003, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
Posted by LARDLAD on :
Meanwhile back at the Ranch...(the LMBP Ranch, that is---it's where they gather to have tea and biscuits and to watch the cattle fuck)...the mysterious female enemy prepared to strike.
She observed them unseen from behind a particularly big cow. Clutching her sword, she said to herself, "I see Lard Lad is still among them. I must take him out first, quietly. His power is the most dangerous of them all. I shall exploit his two great weaknesses, alcohol and sex, and take him out of the fight! He is the key..."
So she waited, and sure enough, Lardy was visibly flat-on-his-face drunk in very little time. Lardy, after all, preferred his tea of the Long Island Iced variety! The mysterious femme used that opportunity to magically disguise herself, as she had earlier as Antiquated-yaddayaddayadda-Lass. Her shadowy, unseen features transformed into the supple form of Hummer Lass, and she approached the drunken portly hero.
"Hey, Lardy-baby!" she said as she caressed his nether regions.
"Pru? Didn' know yoo wuz here." Lardy said recognizing his frequent giver of blow jobs.
"Yeah, baby, it's me. I've got a surprise for ya, Lardy!"
"Well, yer shurprizes ain' so shurprizin, Pru...but 'm game if yoo are..." And he began to unzip his pants.
"NO!" she said, "um...not here, baby."
"Why not? The guyz'r kinna ushe ta seein' this after alla theesh yeerz..."
"Um, this is special, Lardy. I've, uh, decided to finally go all the way, and I want it to be with you!"
Lardy was stunned, even in his drunken haze. Hummer Lass, despite all her oral expertise, had remained technically a virgin through it all with no vaginal intercourse having ever occurred.
But he wasn't stunned too long and shouted, "AWRIGHT! Lead th' way, Pru!" He had dreamed of this moment for years, and his drunken mind didn't question it at all.
So "Pru" took Lardy by the hand and lead him to an unused stable on the edge of the property. They went up to the hayloft. She undressed tantalizingly for him, and he clumsily disgarded his uniform. When she produced a pair of handcuffs, Lardy was eager to proceed. Securely handcuffed, Lardy lay on his back as his fondest fantasy seemingly came true. She climbed on top, and the loft shook for a long, long time.
The next morning, Lardy awoke still handcuffed and alone. At first Lardy felt a feeling of extreme contentment. Being handcuffed didn't bother him, the kinkier the better he thought. He believed that Pru would be back for more any minute, possibly with kinkier ideas but definitely ready for more.
But as the time went on without her returning, he began to wonder why she had broken her vaginal celibacy all of a sudden. He was too drunk to question it last night, but as his mind cleared up, he wondered what had changed. He knew they had a deeper connection that somehow went beyond the fellatio and might lead to something else some day; but he didn't foresee it happening any time soon.
And the sex was different from what he expected somehow. Though it was very good, she was not tentative like a virgin would be. She definitely knew what she was doing and was very much in control....
But before he could think it out any further, Lardy heard footfalls heading up the ladder to the loft. In a moment, the lady he thought was Hummer Lass appeared at the top of the ladder.
"Sleep well?" she asked.
He smiled and took in her clothed, but still sumptuous form. "Real well!" he replied. "You surprised me, Pru!"
"Yes, yes," she contemplated, "I surprised myself as well. I wasn't sure I'd go through with it."
"But you did! And you surprised me...you really did extremely good for your first time!"
"My, my, Lardy...are you that thick? I thought even you might figure it out once you sobered up."
"Figure out what? That...you've been with someone else?"
"Of course I have, with many, many partners! And I learned a lot from my masters, Climacticus!"
"Climacticus? you're working for it, now? It was you who pretended to be Antiquated-yaddayaddayadda-Lass? I'm not sure who I thought that was, but I'dve never guessed you."
"Yes, it was I. But I am not actually Hummer Lass...this is but a glamour."
As Lardy took this all in, he tried to 'port out of his cuffs, but couldn't feel his connection to the Lard Force.
"Don't bother, Lard Lad. Climacticus enchanted my vagina so that I can absorb the powers of any man who puts his naked penis in it and ejaculates. You're powerless!"
"Wh-who are you?" Lardy asked distraught. He'd been warned over and over that he'd better watch what he put his dick into and was now learning that lesson for the first time.
"See for yourself!" and she dropped the glamour, revealing a darkly beautiful woman dressed in black and carrying a Scottish broadsword. Her eyes sparkled with pure malevalence.
Lardy couldn't believe his eyes. He hadn't seen this woman in several years, but he remembered her vividly. She had been the first and worst LMBP traitor. An alias she had used once was Ariana McCloud. After she betrayed them and been defeated, his fellow LMBers jokingly referred to her as Seriously-Fucked-Up-in-the-Head Bitch. But she was known and hated across the universe as...
"Illyiana Highlander!!!!" Lardy screamed in utter horror and struggled against his bonds. "Shit! I fucked Illyiana Highlander?!?!? Oh, God, NO!"
Illyiana enjoyed this immensely and finally said, laughing, "Oh, yes you did indeed! But it is you and your friends who are seriously fucked! I was going to gut you with my sword, but I think I'll just leave you here chained, powerless and disgusted with yourself---what a fitting revenge for how you wronged me long ago! You are no longer a threat to me! And I now, thanks to you and your promiscuous dick, have the power to defeat your friends!"
"Oh...FUCK, no," Lardy moaned
"Oh YES!" Illyiana cackled and before disappearing she shot back, "and I'll call you sometime--honest!"
In her wake, Lardy lay slumped over and inconsolable.
Elsewhere, the Emerald Empress ...
[Edit, 3 November: Changes made at member request, user account being inaccessible. -- Greybird]
[ November 03, 2003, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: Greybird ]
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Meanwhile, the Emerald Empress had crawled into her bed, her head spinning from the alcohol. She was oblivious to whatever might be under her bed, but not to the glowing orb in the corner...the Emerald Eye.
"Eye?" she muttered. "Where is the Emerald Ass of Ekron?"
"Never mind Ass, Empress. Eye locked it in the closet", replied the Eye. "We have a serious problem. "
"OH NO!" cried the Empress. "Where? When? Who...?"
"Who indeed. The Lard Force has been stolen. He's helpless and needs your help immediately."
"Gods, I can't even see straight" moaned the Empress. "But I have to rescue Lardy."
She stumbled out of bed, then rushed out the door, the Eye following.
Meanwhile...
[ November 02, 2003, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: Fat Cramer ]
Posted by Numf El on :
“Well” said Indecisive Lad (or is it Man, or Boy?), sucking in through his teeth in the way normally associated with plumbers, or other merchants prior to giving you the bad news. “It looks as if this could be the start of a ……. “ Then again, it could well be the penultimate …….. “Mmmmm, well…. “No, it’s definitely, probably, maybe trying to begin to appear to be a…..”
“GET ON WITH IT!!!” screams everyone in unison.
“Bugger, I can’t decide.” Said IL/B/M as he stropped off, stage right.
“Fa’z’at feel?” says Numph-El.
“You stupid Scottish git!” quoth the Monty Python fan in the audience.
“Please accept my humblest apologies, my dearest friends and comrades, for attempting to keep a near-dead dialect alive, and spreading its delicate tones and sounds far and wide for all to hear to prevent its sad demise, overlooked as it is, with the area being over-run by English speaking immigrants come north to help our city fathers realise their dreams of a multi-cultural, multi-racial, fully integrated, cosmopolitan city..”
Numph stops for a biiiig intake of breath..
“…whilst the indigenous population is left behind in its proverbial mud huts to conform or die….”
“Okay, I’ve heard enough” interrupts Harbinger. “Numph, you’re speaking out of a hole not normally accustomed to vocal sounds. Where you come from is just a small town with dreams of adequacy. And those dreams are way above its station. “Love you though I do, I cannot bear to listen to you any more, nor can I allow you to bore the breeches off of this assembled multitude.”
“Oh, go on, let me.”
“Much though I like the idea of breechless multitudes…” says Harbinger, letting out a long wistful sigh and glowing slightly, “I feel that you are trying to make a political point to mask your lack of confidence at being in such exalted company.”
“Come again?”
“Just let me think about those breechless multitudes agai…..Oh, I see what you mean. “Well, you haven’t been with the group for very long, so I reckon that you’re only sprouting such nonsense to get some attention. Just like I see all the time in class. Naughty little boys acting out to get an unfair share of…”
“Okay Teach, I get the point,” says Numph to try to bring Harbinger back on line.
“After all there is nothing poetic, pretty nor even at all interesting about your dialect. Indeed it is a weird and particularly lazy form of Auld Scots, and a lot of just plain ugly noises. The only saving grace, and no, don’t break into song there, that it has is that you can speak it and nobody else knows what you are talking about, thus giving you some feelings of superiority.”
“Oh, big fat rats ass. Oops, sorry Ratty, no offence meant. It’s a fair cop, Barbie Harbi”, says Humphy Numphy, with a teenager inspired lower lip, hands in pockets and bowed head.
“So,” says Harbi, being her lovely helpful self, complete with the spectacular bazoobies, “why don’t I introduce you to a few of the people present. “But first you have to promise to keep your xenophobic nonsense to yourself, and to cut out the indecipherable scotch..”
“What, you mean like Lagavulin?”
“Sorry? Isn’t that a type of whiskey? Oh stop it. It’s not big and it’s not clever!”
“You mean like the brain damaged dwarf?”
Harbinger gives Numph a hard……. Sorry lost it there for a second.
Harbinger gave Numph a hard stare that even Paddington Bear would have been proud of.
“Right, on with the introductions if you’re quite finished, and before you say anything, yes I have been told that I’m especially beautiful when I’m angry.”
“Damn, beat me to it.”
“First of all I’d like to introduce you to He Who Wanders….right, where is he? Damn, he’s buggered off again. “Okay then, this is Semi. Semi - Numph, Numph - Semi.”
“Hey, pleased to meet you man,” says Semi, proferring his hand for Numph to shake.
Taking the hand, Numph replies “ Great to meet you, Semi, my brother says he can help you with that if you’re at all interested…..”
A few suppressed giggles can be heard in the background.
Semi backs away.
“And these are Cobalt Lad, Lardlad, Fat Cramer and ABNQNK" continued Harbi.
"Very pleased to meet you guys at last. But, for fucks sake, what kind of a name is Abinquank?"
"And moving hurriedly on, Numf, this is Cru" hurried Harbi on nicely.
"May I say what a great honour it is to finally meet you, Princess", sleazed Numph, bowing as low as Nightcrawler at his very best. "And may I say how impressed I am with your suit."
"My suit, whatever are you talking about, my charming little monkey?" asks Cru coquetishly.
Changing into Sid, Numph replies "Titsoot!"
SMAASMAAKKKK!!!
A smack sandwich.
"You cheeky little git. I'll have you know that these are well and truly my own. Bought and paid for." Cru storms off, through the (fully breeched) multitude of heroes falling about like ten-pins, snot everywhere, as they try to control themselves.
"You little bastard!" swears Harbinger, finally losing that air of calm that she is almost as renowned for as her own magnificent pair of bazoobies. "All I do is try to help you, and how am I repaid? By being embarrassed in front of my peers!" And with that, she turns on her heels to follow Cru. "Wait up Cru, we've still to get together to compare our op scars....."
As Numf tries to un-dislocate both sides of his jaw, a lone person picks themselves from the floor. "Well, I guess you'll have made a few friends there. That was so funny that I've got tears running down my leg," says Incontinent Lad as he picks up his ever present bag of spare black trousers. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
Just then, as if by magic, The Shopkeeper appears......
Posted by Sonnie Blok on :
****************
interlude
Numph, you ROCK!!
(Though you certainly don't live in a mud hut there!)
end interlude
******************
Posted by Abinquank? on :
That's it Numfie, your ass is gonna get severly kicked in the Mrs. Grundy thread... Abinquank?!!!
Free KOKO and Jinx!
Posted by Abinquank? on :
Suddenly the Shopkeeper enters, followed by the Crypt Keeper, and a strange little dentist wearing an elf suit.
The LMBPers don't notice their arrival, because while they were able to hold back their laughter until Crujectra and Harbinger left the room, they are now rolling on the floor guffawing and chortling, which is similar to laffing but much more intense. It's similar to the difference between a Hummer and a Yugo (Thought I was gonna use a different metaphor din't ya?).
All except for one that is. Kara is staring at the others in a vain attempt to decipher their behavour. She wishes she had a set of bosoms (Tits, Spectacular Aqua-Lungs, Knockers, 'insert your favorite descriptive phrase here') to match the proud displays of Crujectra and Harbinger. Maybe then she could get Cobie to bang her when he was sober.
The Shopkeeper, the Crypt Keeper, and the strange little dentist look around the room and break into three different but very evil smiles...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
the Emerald Empress put on her clothing (though in such a rush, forgot to put on her thong!), and flew towards where she knew she could find Lard Lad! Suddenly, Turns you into a Country Fred blasted her, turning her into Guatamala! "Looks like I signed up for the right crew with Madrox the Multiple Durlan when we decided to pull off this caper..." he thought.
As a good amount of LMBers gathered for tea and biscuits, no one else really noticed Lardy was gone, since someone had spiked the tea with grain alcohal. They were getting riled up, having a good time, totally fogetting that Climactus was coming soon. However, a drunk Faraway Lad stumbled into an ally to see what looked like a Cargitte Gymnast stripper! "Hey babe. You look like you could use a good time, and I'm feeling in the mood tonight myself. What do you say?" Faraway nodded and smiled.
Five minutes later, Faraway lay bound and gagged and now powerless, as Illyiana Highlander put her clothes and sword back on. His naked penis had came in her too, and she had stolen his power. "I'll be back to kill you too" she said grinning.
Illyiana now prepared to make her move. "Too bad this new ability will only work on about seven percent of the LMBP, since most are gay" she thought, "maybe this will change things..."
As the LMBP prepared to take another shot, a truckload of kegs arrived at the door. No one noticed that they were all bi-beer...
[ November 02, 2003, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Meanwhile, the Empress, now the country of Guatemala, was enjoying an invasion of the U.S. Marine Corps. "Trample me, boys" she cried out. "Semper Fi!"
The Eye had been left untouched and, unwilling to disrupt the Empress' fun, decided to seek out the other LMBPers and enlist some help for Lard Lad. It followed the sound of raucous laughter, and arrived to find a truly confusing scene. Two entire kegs of bi-beer had been consumed, it was nearly impossible to tell who was who among the bodies scattered over the floor.
The Eye then heard some muffled shouts in the alleyway. It floated out to find a naked and bound Faraway Lad lying amid some garbage bags. "More debauchery", sighed the Eye. "I should just leave him there for a few hours." But it could see that Faraway was trying frantically to communicate something .... with a flash of emerald green, Faraway was unbound and degagged.
"Illyiana Highlander..." he gasped, falling to the ground.
"Well, this is another fine mess" thought the Eye. "Why is it always Eye who has to solve these problems?"
Suddenly, Illyiana Highlander emerged from the shadows. "Emerald Eye" she crooned. "Join with me in my conquest. With you by my side, there can be no stopping us!"
The Eye reflected. Life with the Empress had been good, but not without it's downside moments. And her indiscriminate pursuit of males of all descriptions could be, well, tiresome..."Illyiana Highlander, Eye have decided. You seek men for their powers alone, not for simple pleasure. This pleases Eye, so Eye will join you."
Suddenly, the LMBPers, now revived if somewhat changed, ran out of the bar...
[ November 04, 2003, 03:38 AM: Message edited by: Nightcrawler ]
Posted by Abinquank? on :
Inside the bar only three people are left.
The Shopkeeper, the Crypt Keeper, and the strange little dentist look strangely bemused. They came in ready for almost anything. But, being totally ignored caught them completely off guard. None of them knew what to do next.
All three are thinking the same thing. It's as if we aren't really here. But this presents a unique opportunity, the chance to raise all sorts of hell without the LMBP ever knowing who...
Unfortunately for them one person has noticed them. Eddie Tor looks down from on high, (note: Eddie's almost always high) and thinks to himself, "Jeese dees joiks is to stoopid fer even onea dese taged-team tails. I gotta retcon dem inta sumptin more approprat like..."
And with a mere thought, and a few clicks of his overworked mouse, they vanish, instantly replaced by...
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
...instantly replaced by The Royal Inquisitor, Emma Grundy and the dreadful Tag-Team Krossover Kid.
"Let's get this story cleaned up," growled Emma Grundy.
"Death to these debauched sinners!" cried the Royal Inquisitor.
"Okay, kids, have fun" giggled Tag-Team Krossover Kid. "So long suckers!" he shouted out to the stunned LMBPers standing in the alleyway before Illyiana and the Eye.
"Eye do not like this at all" muttered the Eye, and slunk off to hide behind a keg of bi-beer.
"Illyiana Highlander!" shouted the Royal Inquisitor. "Of all the debauched and depraved that stand before me at this moment, none is more full of sin and heresy than are you. Prepare to see the light and renounce your evil ways!"
Illyiana cowered against a wall. It was not the Inquisitor's wrath she feared, but that of the dowdy, aging female who accompanied him.
"Hi Mom!" her voice quavered as she addressed Emma Grundy.
[ November 04, 2003, 03:39 AM: Message edited by: Nightcrawler ]
Posted by Vee on :
This revelation was so momentous that the world suddenly shuddered. As everyone glanced around wide eyed they noticed that everything was fading to...
...WHITE.
After a moment the world rebooted and now present were...
...Fat Albert & The Gang!
"Hey, hey, hey? What's happenin'?" asked Fat Albert as he entered the room.
"Don't know, Fat, but it sure looks strange," said Bill. "Like nothin' we've ever gotten into before!"
"Oh, come on Bill, it can't be that bad!" argued Little Stevie.
"Really, Li'l Stevie? Just look around for a moment and you tell me if you can figure out what's goin' on!"
While Li'l Stevie glanced around...
[ October 28, 2003, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: Vee ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...another retcon occured! Fat Albert and the Gang were gone, only to be replaced by 1990's Image-type superheroes! Yes, it was SlaughterHawk (strangely resembling Wolverine), Bloodbath (strangely resembling SlaughterHawk) and Avengilyne (who has enormous knockers)!
Far away the Living Retcon laughed again. "Hm, I wonder if this should be retconned away too?"
Meanwhile, as the LMBers lay around drunk and sated after an orgy, known realized that almost all of them had came in the vagina of Illyiana Highlander, and lost their powers! She gloated to herself and getting gangbanged by about 20 gay men (and a few strait!). Now, only the LMB women were left, and her allies Madrox the Multiple Durlan and Turns you Into a Country Fred could help her take care of them.
Meanwhile Climactus continued to cumming to Legion World, and more enormous climaxes continued as Volcanos erupted and tidal waves hit shores.
The exhausted LMBers lay about each other too far gone in a bi-beer hangover to notice the three people getting retconned continually. Cobalt Kid smiled at Illyiana. "you may have fucked me, but I got you good! My sperm is all fucked up, and usually makes people have terrible alien robot demon babies! Maybe this will be the way we can get revenge..." Illyiana just laughed, and took her sword out of it's sheath. With a swing, she was gone, and she used it's power to make an avalanche of snow cascade down on the LMBP from the mountain above it (what the hell, why not, no one ever said where the Ranch was!) Powerless, the LMBP prepared for their doom.
Illyiana and the Eye dissapeared, leaving the LMBP to die...
[ November 02, 2003, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
...leaving the LMBP to die, sticky with the cum attacks of Climacticus and horribly hungover. As they groaned pitifully, Lash Lass summoned the last of her strength, got up and opened another keg of bi-beer.
"We might as well die without these miserable headaches" she groaned, and began filling mugs to pass around. Quickly, the team began to revive.
Meanwhile, the country of Guatemala had once again become theEmerald Empress. She sat up, looked around at the muscled and sweating marines surrounding her and sighed. "Turn You Into a Country Lad must be losing his touch" she thought. "This country stuff used to last a lot longer."
"Get that rifle out of my face, honey" she addressed a penetratingly handsome lieutenant. "I have to get back to Legion World now. It's been fun, though - call me when your tour of duty is over." Without turning back, she strode off, commandeered a helicopter and left for Legion World.
"Just wait 'til I get my hands on that Winter bitch" she thought. "By now she's probably done the whole team, the little power-greedy cunt. I'm just thankful Eye and I worked out a plan to trap her before we went to rescue Lard Lad."
She paused and reflected, "Lardy, Lardy. I wonder how you're doing...."
Posted by Abinquank? on :
* Eddie Tor’s Notes and Stuff *
What… jes’ a minit here, I knows dat dey trounced dis X-Punk rip-off Climacticus jes a few pages ago, real easy like. Wat’re dey doin’ saying he’s spurtin’ off agin? Lemme see da story notes I give dem bums. Jeese it says rite here… “Clamatupus – Cheep X-Punk Rip off easy ta beat usin frustrasun tactics…”
Jeese, now I gots ta go back an’ fix it agin… Whatta Revoltin’ Development dis is… Any way da Climaxitron dey beat earlier wasn’ da real one… It was… Hmmm… Ummm… Da Urinator?... Nah… Backdoricus? Hmmm… Dat coud woik… Less see… Yeah, Dat’s it, Backdoricus, Climaxinator’s Mini-me type clone or clown, can’t be fer sure which, whoms he uses ta soften up his opponents like.
* Back ta our storie like * (Gotta speak at dat retcon guy bout fixin dis stuff quicker like)
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Wow Cramey! Your a lot rougher than I thought!
*end interlude*
Lash Lass (who had been infected by Gender Reversal germs to ensure that he didn't cum inside Illyiana with his penis) was able to maintain his power as a female, and looked around to see an avalanche begin falling on the LMBP. Quickly, he used his whip to snap Fat Cramer, Harbinger, Hummer Lass and Arachne awake, as the girl LMBers were the only ones with any power left in them! The five quickly spread out and found Faraway Lad and Lard Lad tied up, although the male LMBPers all watched powerless, as they realized they couldn't run away from the Avalanche. "Sorry guys, there's just too many of you to pull out right now" said Harbinger. "At least we can go out together" said Lash Lass.
"NO!" yelled a voice, as the LMBers turned to see the LMBP Spectre standing next to them with the Emerald Empress! "I will not let you die this time LMBPers, but I cannot be there for you everytime! Consider this a boon from an old friend" said the LMBP Spectre, as she transported the LMBP back to The LMB Embassy.
"What the hell are we gonna do now!" yelled Lard Lad, as most of the LMBP gathered together and watched cum reign down on the town around them. "Illyiana has our power, Climactus is attacking, and..." began Space Ranger, only to be interruped by his brother "but Lash is cute as a girl!" "Don't." said Cobalt "I've tried that before. It'll just get weird believe me."
"So" yelled Fat Cramer, "What the hell ARE we gonna do now!"
Captain Lightbulb spoke up. "Well, you see, I have an idea..."
[ November 02, 2003, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Abinquank? on :
Look out there, SlaughterHawk, Bloodbath, and Avengilyne haven't been retconned away yet have they? Well I think we should use them to flush out the evil and debauched, I. H.
Oh, even her initials give me the absolute shudders, I don't think I could actually say her whole name. He/she/it, whatever thought as he/she/it, whatever, spoke to the assembled group.
<brrrr... Shiver, shiver, shiver>
As he/she/it, whatever, finished speaking he/she/if, whatever, looked at the assembled LMBPers to see how the revealed plan had gone over.
Unfortunately none of the LMBPers had listened to a single word. They were all staring into the center of the room where...
[ November 11, 2003, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Just so everyone is clear, the female villian who is stealing the LMBers power is Illyiana Highlander.
*end Interlude*
[ November 02, 2003, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
...they were all staring into the center of the room where...
the applicant Invisible Brainiac was mumbling to himself! Unfortunately, his power to become as smart as a Brainiac when he was invisible was now out of control, and he kept popping in and out of sight. Now, this may not sound so bad, but when he was visible he had all the brains of a drunk Validus, or Lori Morning (the character), whichever is dumber.
"I must confer with..." he said invisibly. "Proty cute!" he said, in his visible state. "...the leader of the..." "White stuff gross!" "...the LMBP! It is imperative..." "Me like Whordru!" "...that they learn that..." "Beppo my best friend!!"
Now, he was trying to tell them that the Emerald Eye had joined forces with the bad guys, meaning that the chances that they would be totally fucked had just increased dramatically, but since he kept alternating between super-intelligence and super-stupidity, he was about as reliable-sounding as the old narcoleptic Dreamer, nobody paid any attention to him and they all turned back to listen to Captain Lightbulb.
[ November 03, 2003, 06:30 AM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
One person not paying attention was Abiquank?. While the rest of the LMBP, including his brother Space Ranger, were ready to hear what Captain Lightbulb had to say, Abinquank? thought of some of the strangest developments in his life of late. He had just had the strangest day dream about holding a green ring with a lantern on it, and flying through space. His name was Abin Quank, Green Lantern of sector 2518, and he was heralded for not only being annoying but for being a pretty powerful super-hero. The dream faded away, but he still felt a tingle in the back of his mind. When he looked at his hand, he was shocked to see a green lantern ring on his finger...
Meanwhile, Captain Lightbulb spoke up finally...
[ November 01, 2003, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Harbinger on :
but as I want to write about Abin Quank we'll all have to wait for the next writer to tell us what Cap'n Lightbulb said. I'm sure it was groovy whatever it was anyway.
Anyway, Abin Quank's soopa-dooper-glow-in-the-dark-one-size-fits-all-free-from-a-packet-of-Kelloggs Cornflakes genuine imitation Green Lantern ring shouldn't have glowed like it did in that suspiciously genuine way.
It really shouldn't have given him the wonderous abilities it did.
He certainly shouldn't have allowed him to alter the molecular structure of his clothes to produce a stylish and rather snazzy Green Lantern outfit, with straps, buckles and designer lapels that would set the trend for GL wear for centuries to come.
You guessed it, it did!!
It shouldn't have granted him the ability to levitate over the massed gang of LMBPers as it did!
You see, tucked within his strangely mortal shell their lurked the brain of a truely unique and almost god-like being - he was an intelligent Sci-Fi writer!! No, not a hack! Not one for producing pot boilers, he had a talent, a real genuine one of a kind superb and all encompassing TALENT!! And it was this talent that activated the otherwise rather tawdy piece of plastic tat about his middle finger and generated the emerald energies that flowed through it so abundantly.
As he levitated into the air behind the talking Cap'n Lightbulb (who was oblivious to the birth of the Mega being behind him) Abin Quank became aware of the most glaringly obvious solution to the LMBPers current difficult situation, he suddenly knew......
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
Elsewhere: In the steaming jungle of the Congo, Non-Sequitor ate 5 sunflower seeds but refused to drink tanning oil.
Back to the story:
As he levitated into the air behind the talking Cap'n Lightbulb (who was oblivious to the birth of the Mega being behind him) Abin Quank became aware of the most glaringly obvious solution to the LMBPers current difficult situation, he suddenly knew......
and Meanwhile, Captain Lightbulb spoke up finally...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...and both said the same exact thing ver batum, coming to exactly the same conclusion! "Why don't we just go kick it's ass with a really big gun!"
"Of course!" said the LMBers, smacking themselves on the head. Sure, Illyiana still had their powers, and Madrox the Multiple Durlan and Turns you into a Country Fred were allied with her. But at least they could stop Climactus with a really big gun! While Lash Lass and the girl LMBers (the only one with their powers still) joined the newly invigorated Abin Quanck to search for Illyiana, the rest of the LMBP joined Captain Lightbulb in finding a really big gun to shoot at Climactus.
"Man, what a bunch of smart people we have on this team" said Dev to Cobalt. "Tell me about it" replied Lard Lad jumping in. "I thought we'd have to do something crazy like an ultimate nullifier when a big gun would have sufficed!"
[ November 02, 2003, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Abinquank? on :
* Interlude *
quote:Originally posted by Cobalt Kid: When he looked at his hand, he was shocked to see a green lantern ring on his finer...
Cobie, um... before this story goes any further could you please explain what a Finer is? And what it's finer than? Just in case y'know....
* End Interlude *
[ October 31, 2003, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: Abinquank? ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Aben Quank (formerly known as Abenquank?) stared at the ring on his finer with a bemused expression on his face. Until just a few seconds ago he didn't even realize that he had a finer, but now...
Well suffice it to say that he was convinced that his finer, was the finest, finer, on Legion World.
Then suddenly another thought hit him. And, as he recovered from the impact, he realized that he could now claim his rightful place on Legion World. He didn't have to be just "Space Ranger's Annoying Little Brother" anymore. He could be...
"ABEN QUANK, The Green Lantern formerly known as Abenquank?"
But first he had to save the day.
Well actually saving the day came right after something else he needed to do, he realized with a slightly red-faced grin. First, he had to put away his power ring adorned 'finer'.
He looked down at the suddenly altered molecular structure of his clothes which had produced a stylish and rather snazzy Green Lantern outfit, with straps, buckles and designer lapels that would set the trend for GL wear for centuries to come, and gave Harbinger a little smile of thanks.
Then he gathered up Harbinger and the Emerald Empress and flew off in search of their Nefariously Evil Recalcitrent Female Foe (or NERFF for short)
As soon as they were airborne he began to marvel at how powerful he had suddenly become. Which was seriously surprising because his ring wasn't a standard Green Lantern Issue 'Power Ring'. It was a cheap piece of molded plastic. And the lantern symbol on his ring was a Coleman Camping Lantern, not the stylized lantern symbol of the GLC.
But still, he felt wonderful, and powerful, and he wondered what his two companions would think of his beringed 'Finer'.
It should be noted at this point that giving a Power Ring to a person whose only distinguishing characteristic is his ability to annoy people, was probably not the best idea ever. In fact as the trio flew in search of NERFF, both Harbinger and the Emerald Empress, were beginning to have serious doubts about whether Aben Quank would be considered a worthy successor to Abin Sir, or if he would turn out to be another G'Nortt.
The Empress first noticed something was wrong when the disk she stood on morphed into a giant hand, well actually two moderately large hands, and she began to be propelled thru the air by goose power.
Harbinger noticed the Empress's plight immediately (no woman can help but notice and be amused by such a plight when it's happening to another woman, although she will always rally to her defense, after a few amused titters) and had to stifle a giggle when the Empress turned a baneful glare in her direction.
As she dodged that baleful glare (a clean miss) Harbinger noticed a wide eyed stare coming in her direction from the Empress. Wide eyed stares are an especially useful form of female to female communication in cases where the spoken language is inconvienient. There are approximately 27,000 different variations of the wide eyed stare and each one caries a unique meaning when directed from one female to another. All women above the age of 14 (and many as young as 7 or 8) are familiar with every possible meaning. The stare the Empress gave Harbinger is the single most dreaded stare any woman can receive, the stare that screams form one woman to another...
You're Starkers!!!!! (and you have a better body than I do!!)
Meanwhile, Back at LMBP headquarters, Lash and Cobie have found a Really, Really, Big Gun. Unfortunately, it's attached to...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
It's attached to the totally wild afro of Dancing Queen, who had sneaked in while everybody was smacking themselves on the head, not hard enough to knock themselves out of course, but hard enough to momentarily disorient themselbes so nobody would notice this really annoying woman with the horrible fashion sense entering their headquarters! She had moonwalked her way into the armory and now the really big gun was full of stringy black hair and humongous particles of dandruff!
Lash Lass was taken aback by Dancing Queen's horrible fashion sense, since she was wearing a pink, green and orange version of Tyroc's old disco outfit under an exact duplicate of Lori Morning's sweatshirt. Summoning her willpower, she tried not to flinch as she turned to face DQ. "Dearie, that gun really does NOT belong in your hair. Now ne a dear and let us have it, and we'll give you a total makeover to boot!" she said, since her female transformation had given her the personality of an old granny-type kindergarten teacher.
"You'll have to catch me, first!" said DQ, as she twirled around and around. "And that won't be easy!"
"Why not?" said Cobie. "You couldn't possibly run fast with that Really, Really, Really Big Gun in your hair. I'll just... Hey! My legs! I can't stop dancing! Lashie, help!"
But Lashie couldn't help, as she was now doing split after split after split, something she couldn't do comfortably when she had been a man. Cobie glanced around, and he saw all the other LMBPers were also caught in whatever-the-hell was happening. Captain Lightbulb and Lardy were doing the tango, and Faraway was already far, far away because he was leaping up and down like a ballerina. Even Petty Officer Marvin was affected, as he was doing a hip-hop/street-dance move that looked very disturbing being done by an insectoid alien.
"As I said, you have to catch me first!" smirked DQ.
Meanwhile...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Hey, no fair Chuck! You make fun of my post, but then edit yours to get rid of all the offense things you had in it all day! I come home form work to see your last post changed and my post being made fun of !
I don't think the Empress and Harbinger would have liked the way it was originally told, but I guess we'll never know . And after I made ANK a Green Lantern...
*end interlude*
Posted by Abinquank? on :
* Qualuude *
Cobie,
Actually, I was thinking more about the silly consequences that TYPO'S have created in the past in these threads. I wasn't intending to make fun of you or your post, I was thinking of the 'Secret Origin' of Turns You Into a Country Kid (or Fred, or Lad, Or Contri-Nator, or whatever).
And, Yes the editing of my other post did result in part from some slight displeasure expressed by Belinda. (I have no idea how the Empress felt about it, I tried to contact her but some guy answered.)
The MAIN REASON I edited the post however was to put the name of the female opponent to rest. Having read Princess Crujectra's posts in other threads and your earlier post on the subject, I decided that this issue needed some resolution. So NERFF was born. I'M ASKING EVERYONE TO USE THE NEW NAME FOR THE FEMALE VILLAN, AND TO REFRAIN FROM EVER AGAIN MENTIONING ANY OF HER PREVIOUS IDENTITIES. SOME EDITING WOULDN'T HURT EITHER.
And besides, the Idea of ANK becoming a bumbling wanna be GL with his imitation Power Ring attached to a semi-inappropriate portion of his anatomy (remember, we don't know for sure what a finer is yet) was way too funny to let go. I think the edited version of my post is both funnier and a better set up for future jokes.
I expect Harbinger to add a few lines to this story later today. And, knowing Belinda's sense of humor I wouldn't be surprised if a few eyes were put out, or at least blackened (including one or both of Aben Quank's).
* Qualuude wears off *
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Chuck, you're one of my favorite posters for the tag threads! I like the idea of Abin (my new favorite name for you) being a bumbling Green Lantern too. And don't get my wrong, anytime we can see a glimpse of Harbinger's skirt is a good time to me
The evil villian sounds good to me! Now we just have to get back to the variety of subplots going in this thread and start wrapping them up! I hope everyone else keeps chipping in, and I think it may be up to Chuck and I to make sense of it all in the future !
*end interlude*
Posted by SharkLad on :
*interlude*
I like eggs
*end interlude*
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Meanwhile...Illyiana Highlander smiled to herself, as she met back up with Turns you Into a Country Fred and Madrox the Multiple Durlan. Their plan had worked well so far, and Illyiana had all the power of most of the male LMBers, leaving them helpless to stop Climactus. While Climactus destoying Legion World would be a nice bonus, this wasn't essential to their plans. They smiled, as they prepared to leave Legion World.
Meanwhile, Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood began doing the butterfly, a hip-hop dance move circa 1993. This was so bizarre to watch, that Dancing Queen was unable to concentrate and had to just watch. Lash Lass saw her opening, and quickly grabbed the really, really, really big gun in her afro, and shot it up into the sky!!!!
Above the clouds of Legion World, the entity known as Climactus prepared for one last splurge to destroy the planet. As the gun shot into the sky, it hit the great entity, utterly destroying it, as it erupted in a cloud of smoke. The followers of the Church of the Great Ograsm all experienced virtual nirvana as they orgasmed again and again, unable to control themselves until the passed out into exhaustion, where they became comatosse until much later in LMBP history.
Climactus itself was destoyed, and fluid rained down on Legion World for the last time. Unfortunately, Super Lad Kid, Cobalt Kid and Greybird were hit by the brink of it.
"One down!" said Lash Lass, whose gender-reversal germs began to wear off, as he reverted back to Lash Lad! Fat Cramer, Arachne, Harbinger, Kara and Princess Crujectra rallied around him. "Now, lets take out Dancing Queen!" The male LMBers watched, as they could only provide mainly moral support, and besides, they were enjoying the view of the female LMBers...
[ November 02, 2003, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...Just as the male LMBers were enjoying the show of the female LMBers (and Lash) having a nice catfight, the bi-beer effect began to wear off, and five sixths of the male LMBers weren't as interested. Just then, Abin Quanck, Green Lantern, arrived again, after being knocked into the sky by Harbinger after he held a green mirror underneath her skirt! Abin quickly grabbed Dancing Queen, and using his green lantern ring, hurled her back into the "Return of Dev-Em" storyline, where her story could be played out for a bit (which is good since that storyline takes place a full month before this one!!!!).
Abin, Lash and the female LMBers now turned to the male LMBers and Captain Lightbulb, as they tried to figure out just what the hell to do next!
Numf-El spoke up dramatically. "Just what the hell do we do next?!!!!"
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
And what they did next was magnificent.
Lash Lad, Harbinger, Fat Cramer and Princess Crujectra tracked down Illyiana, and were able to trick her into giving back the male LMBers their powers. However, she was able to escape into the night, and promised that they she would never return, she had had enough. This was the end of her plan, and the LMBers sighed a breath of relief that this mission was over.
Abin Quanck was able to track down Madrox the Multiple Durlan, but only could round up one of his clone selves. He and Turns You into a Country Fred also escaped into the night, but at least the mission was over.
The villians all gone, Climactus destoyed, the LMBers decided to settle down for some tea and biscuits at the Hootchie Hut. Laughing and smiling ensued, and Vee even started singing rounds of "Row Row Your Boat" that got everyone else involved.
Everything seemed great. "What a day" said Cobalt to Space Ranger, who smiled back. "At least we finally got our tea and biscuits" said SP.
Far away, at the end of time, in a mouse hole in a crack in the wall, The Time Mouse Trapper laughed. "Now. Now is when I must strike. After months of plotting, I can have my vengeance."
[ November 02, 2003, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
"I smell a mouse", thought Fat Cramer. "Better snarf down a few more biscuits to build my strength."
Elsewhere, Time Trapper Mouse nibbled some cheese and swept his tale back and forth in a lazy arc. " Perhaps I could just reach into my files for some ideas on how to deal with those LMBPers."
With that thought, he jumped up, scurried into his Library at the End of Time and began looking for some well-used plotlines.
"Twins impersonation? The traitor in their midst? One of them goes insane? or Frame somebody for murder? I don't know if I have the energy for Group Mind Invasion and Galactic Destruction."
Suddenly, Mouse had a brilliant idea.
[ November 03, 2003, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: Fat Cramer ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
The LMBPer known as Abinquank? woke up that morning with a splitting headache and an odd pain in his neither regions. Half blind with agony he rolled off of the mattress in a corner that served as his bead and lay face down on the floor of his writing studio. Strange visions of what seemed to be a half forgotten dream danced in his aching head. The faces of Abin Sir, Hal Jordan, Kyle Rayner, Guy Gardiner, and John Stewart danced in a bizarre circle around him chanting, “Your destiny is at hand.” Above them Alan Scott and Dioby Dickles gazed down benevolently.
Well, actually, four of the five Green Lanterns were chanting that phrase, while the fifth, Guy Gardiner was laughing in a viscous way and snorting “G’Nortt Lives Again.”
In response he clasped his hands over his ears, screwed his eyes as tightly shut as he could manage and scrunched his face as tightly as possible into the threadbare carpet. Maybe if he ignored them they would go away. And after a few excruciating minutes they did.
As the dream ended the throbbing pain in his head eased to the point where he was able to stand and stumble the whole five feet across his packing crate sized studio into the cold water bathroom. A quick splash of only slightly brown water cleared his head only slightly but it was enough to let himself see his reflection in the cracked mirror.
The black eye and a smattering of bruises told him that the previous night’s events weren’t the dream he was praying they were. And a glance down just below his belly button told him that…
Yesterday had been a red letter day for him. He had finally been a participant in one of the strange rollicking adventures that periodically swept over Legion World. True, it consisted of a series of barely comprehensible clashes with improbable and badly conceived evil forces that had no clear agenda or motive. But for the first time he was part of the winning team. It was nothing like his short lived and disastrous solo super hero career as the costumed adventurer known as “That Annoying Little Git.”
Okay, his abilities as the most annoying person ever born weren’t perfectly suited for crime-fighting, but at least he had a super-power. Batman didn’t, Green Arrow didn’t, Timber Wolf doesn’t (that I know of), a whole bunch of other famous “Super” Heroes didn’t – but he did. And it was a good super power, it worked on everybody, all of the time, and nothing could stop it.
Except, that it usually got him beat up. And while you would think that someone whose power was to cause people to become super annoyed would have learned how to fight while growing up, he hadn’t. He never needed to. He had a big brother who was always the baddest guy in town. The word was out when he was a kid. Anyone who beat up New Kid, as he was known then, got beat up by Space Ranger.
Then Space Ranger went and joined the Science Police. New Kid had to either learn how to fight or learn to control his power. He did a little of both but not enough of either.
But now…
The green glow emanating from the ring which adorned the new piercing below his navel might be plastic, and the lantern on it was definitely a Coleman Camping Lantern instead of the stylized Green Lantern Symbol, but it identified him as a member of the Green Lantern Corps, the oldest and most revered force for justice known.
From now on he would be known as Abin Quank, the Green Lantern formerly known as Abinquank?
“Sinestro and G’Nortt were Green Lanterns too, Y’know,”
The voice seemed to come from behind the toilet…
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
. We're back! I've got some wacky additions to the storyline that I'll post after work today.
*end interlude*
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...although when he looked, he noticed nothing behind the toilet. In fact, all he noticed was a tiny little ant, that crawled off underneath the wall. "Hm," thought Abin. "I guess things change and that's the way things go. Maybe now I can be as mighty as my brother, and as a Green Lantern be one of the most prominent people in the LMB." "Hey New Kid!" he suddenly heard, as Lash Lad yelled in. "How about you making some coffee! We're all dying with hangovers out here..." Abin raised his eyebrow, mocking himself.
-----------
The Ant crawled out of the bathroom, and continued it's way around Legion World, checking out the various people there. He took a quick detour at Hummer Lass's room, since she was living up to her name, but other than that, the ant moved rather quickly.
Soon, it reached the edge of the city and moved into the forest, where it suddenly grew to about 12 feet wide! Other large ants came out of the woods, as a short skinny guy with bad teeth began talking to them! "Now my friends, we shall strike!" And as he thought of a witty name, he said, "For we are..."
Posted by Abin Quank on :
"I'd say you were lunch, as in My Lunch. and a fine smorgashboard you will make, too." The figure of Floating Armadillo Boy laughed as he looked down on the horde of giant ants.
However the young LMBPer was in for a rude awakening. The leader of the giant ants sniffed archly (no small feat for a creature without a nose) and sent a request to Eddie Tor, that godlike being who watches over these threads like a half blind, one eyed, sleeping and senile, hawk.
* Eddie Tor's Note's and Stuff *
Geeze, Kan't dese hacks git anyting right? Floating Armadillo Kid retconeded hisself days ago. He changed his moniker ta Floatin' Foxy Creautre Kid or sumpin like dat, see. and everbody nose dat floatin foxy creatures most definitly don't like eatin ants. I gotta fix dis right now, like.
* end Eddie's Nap *
The giant ant army raised a rousing cheer as the LMBPer before them underwent a delayed retcon. Suddenly instead of Floating Armadillo Boy threatening to commence a major 'chow down' on their ranks they were faced with Floating Foxlike Creature Boy, who immediately raced off to see what color Comet Queen was today.
* Ahem *
The chears stopped as the Giant Ant Leader again faced her army.
"So are we agreed that from now on we will be known as the..."
A rumbling sound rising from the back ranks of the group cut off her speach again. She was beginning to think that she should have stayed with their original name of 'Them', except that she knew that it would result in entirely too many, 'Who's on first type gags being written into the thread if she did. You know the type:
Who's attacking us?
Them.
I know that but who are they?
Them. (and so on, ad infinitum or ad tedium)
But, anyway, there was a rumbling noise from the back rank of the Giant Ant Army ranks that caused her...
It's always a her you know, because ants (and sometimes uncles) are led by queens. And queens are almost always female.
So, SHE broke off her planned speech again and peered thru her seriously squinted eyes (again a very impressive feat considering that ants don't have eyelids, I mean have you ever tried to squint without using your eyelids? It's tough to do.) at the back of her Giant Ant Army from San Fransisco to see just who was causing all of the commotion.
And there stood Dusty Baker...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...who said, "You're new name is The Big Ants and their astonishingly terrible Queen!" Grum, one of the more sophisticated of the giant ants, objected to such an outright dumb name. Having a backround in Russian romance literature circa 1844-1860, he felt as though they needed a stronger and more firm name that revealed a bit of why they were going to attack Legion World. He came up with "The Consortium of Giant Ants Attempting to Achieve Dominance over Humanity." The rest of the ants, who kind of looked up to the old fellow, agreed, and that became their name, or Cogaaad for short. The Queen, whose name was actually Jennifer, preferred to be called "Rapture" because it sounded really cool and no characters had ever really done it justice in her mind.
Anyway, they were about to invade Legion World, when suddenly...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
A giAnt can of raid appeared held by LeViathon.
But the ants knew they were safe, because Vi is only used as set decoration in these stories.
But, Dusty Baker who had come all the way from Chicago because he heard that these San Fransisco GiAnts just couldn't lose was getting just a mite peeeved at the recent turn of events. And if you think that a mite peeved in the middle of a bunch of GiAnts just might be a really, really, bad pun, you're right.
But, be that as it may, Ol' Dusty was just that, a Mite Peeved. And he began to work his way forward in the crowd of GiAnts. Using his trusty Louisville Slugger, and a baseball bat when that didn't work, he pummelled his way to the front of the whatever (what the heck do you call a whole mess of big ants anyway? a herd? a flock? What?) and confronted the queen.
"Now wait jes' a doggone minute here! I came alla way from the Windy City to lead the San Fransisco GiAnts. Not "The Consortium of Giant Ants Attempting to Achieve Dominance over Humanity" or Cogaaad, or whatever. That's the dumbest name for a baseball team I ever heard."
The queen, who's real name was Slammin Sammy Sosa but she'd die before admitting it, looked down at Dusty and uttered the immortal words, "As if."
Then the ants, ignoring Dusty, marched in the direction of LMBP headquarters...
[ November 06, 2003, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Baker had enough. Unknowing to the ants, he was an honorary LMBer from back in the day during the untold story of "Dusty Baker and the Hootchie Hut Maelstrom" that the LMBP were involved with back in the day.
He quickly turned his LMBP barrette to let lose a code red! He summoned thirteen LMBers: Abin Quanck, Harbinger, Space Ranger, Numf-El, Shark Lad, Vee, Semi, Cobalt Kid, Fat Cramer, Hummer Lass, Lard Lad, Icefire and Lash Lad! These thirteen LMBers knew what they had to do, which of course was, stopping the Giant Ants.
And of course you know, that these thirteen LMBers were known as "Baker's dozen"
*ooh, that was really bad!*
Posted by Space Ranger on :
As is the case with all really stupendous undertakings, which this wasn’t but the LMBPers didn’t know that yet, the first thing that the “Baker’s Dozen” chose to do was stop for lunch on the way. Now it may seem like stopping for lunch would be a very minor detail, not worthy of inclusion in a story of this magnitude. I mean Legion World was being invaded by an army of giant ants with a really bad name and we’re recording the details of the LMBP’s decision on where to stop for Lunch?
Does it sound to you like the LMBP was taking the threat lightly? Well they were. But, in all fairness how would you react to the same threat? Me, I’d call the tallest Orkin Man in town and go back to thinking up really nasty things to do to Cobie’s statue. But, that’s just me.
And that is essentially what the LMBPers did. Well, all except for Abin Quank that is. He was on galley duty that day and didn’t feel like cooking. So, he cornered Cobie and got all duty bound on him. It took a few minutes but he convinced the Security Chief that they really should verify that the Orkin Man did his job properly. Personally, I think it was the stop for dinner on the way line that convinced Cobie and I know it was the deciding factor for the rest of the LMBPers. They were already arguing over where to call for take out.
But where do you stop for dinner that could handle such a diverse group? Ah, that was the question.
Harbinger (and Numf-El) had a hankering for Haggis.
Lash wanted to stop at Mistress Paul’s Powerful Pizza Dungeon.
Semi and Vee wanted to have Wildebeest Steaks at the Starfield Room.
Lard Lad wanted Big Belly Burgers in Big Belly Sauce.
Icefire and Shark Lad Insisted on Swordfish steaks at Cap’n Sharky’s Seafood Shish Kabob Hut.
Cobie wanted Black Raspberry ice cream for desert.
Space Ranger wanted somewhere that served authentic foot long Bratwurst Chili and Sauerkraut Specials (By the dozen, with Michelob chasers).
Fat Cramer wanted to try something called Ant Brood Tacos from Jose’s Entomology Emporium.
The less said about Hummer lass’s choice the better, except that she didn’t need to go anywhere for THAT meal.
Abin Quank didn’t care as long as he didn’t have to cook.
They argued for an hour before reaching a single conclusion. The conclusion was that none of them were going to let the Space Ranger get anywhere near authentic foot long Bratwurst Chili and Sauerkraut Specials (By the dozen, with Michelob chasers). They also decided that Hummer Lass could eat anything she wanted, but not inside the restaurant. This caused Lardy to start singing the parking lot song.
Unfortunately, their argument was brought to a conclusion without resolution when the mangled body of Bob the Orkin Man was flung thru the front door…
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
By the Mangler! Fitted with armor drawn from the 1970's and a name and origin to match, the Mangler attacked the LMBP with a vengeance! Unfortunately, he trip over Hummer Lass's outstretched feet and fell to the floor! With a quick slap, he was knocked out cold by Numf-El!
Meanwhile, while the Baker's Dozen were eating lunch, Marvin of the Brood and EDE were holding down the fort, as an army of Giant Ants attacked! The Cogaaad was sent loose on Legion World!
At that exact moment in space...
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
...somewhere in space, the mysterious Golden GIrl floated silently, contemplating the developments on Legion World. She was certain that the Baker's Dozen could handle the Cogaaard army without her help, but she would remain vigilant.
Her attention was drawn, however, to what she perceived to be an anomaly in the star fields behind her. It had the strange appearance of a shimmering wave of go-go checks, and the Golden GIrl felt a shiver of primal fear run down her spine.
She sniffed, and swore that she smelled Rocquefort cheese. That could only mean one thing: the Time Trapper Mouse was near.
Suddenly, the go-go checks flashed bright yellow and disappeared, to be replaced by a phantasm. A very rodent-like phantasm.
Despite this ominous event, the Golden Girl was compelled to turn her attention back to Legion World, or at this very moment ...
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Dusty Baker was still a Mite Peeved. It’s a running gag you see, not a very good one I admit but the best one I’m likely to write this week, luckily it’s Friday. So there is hope for next week.
He was a mite peeved because the giant ants had chosen a really dumb name instead of the perfectly good name he had come all the way from Chicago to hang on them. He was a mite peeved because their leader Slammin Sammy Sosa kept telling everyone that her name was Jennifer, or something else really dumb. He was a mite peeved because I keep writing him back into this story every time he thinks he has safely gotten away. And last of all, but most importantly, he was a mite peeved because the LMBPers hadn’t invited him out to lunch with them.
Not that he thought it was likely that they would finish their argument and actually go to lunch any time soon. And he was just slightly relieved that they hadn’t asked him. That Scottish girl was pretty, but hard-headed, and she and the quiet fellow wanted haggis. Haggis! He considered himself an educated man. He was a world traveler. He wasn’t eating haggis. No way, no how, not today, not never. Ixnay on the aggis-hay. Ain’t gonna happen. Now the Ant Brood Tacos had sounded interesting.
So anyway, he left the LMBP headquarters in a huff. Luckily the LMBPers kept a number of those small but useful Naltorian vehicles around for the convenience of their guests. This is of course why you hear about so many people leaving LMBP Headquarters in a huff. It’s not like there are a few rude members or anything.
But as he was leaving, a sinking feeling slowly crept onto his gut. So after he went back in and used the facilities (nice polite term that, the facilities) he began to think that maybe leaving Legion World before the problem of the rampaging giant ants was solved wasn’t such a good idea. Of course those ants weren’t really rampaging. They were just kind of slowly meandering their way across Legion World. But at any time one of them might figure out that they were supposed to be rampaging. And then what would happen? From the tone of the argument back in the HQ the LMBP might not be back from lunch for weeks. For a second he considered the possibility that this type of thing was not all that uncommon. And that maybe there was a reason that so many of his friends considered the entire LMBP to be permanently out to lunch. But then he realized that that joke was so bad that it couldn’t be true, could it?
Suddenly a flash of inspiration hit him. There was one LMBPer who had never failed him. One who was an inspiration to all of the others. One who was renowned for getting the job done. One who… okay you’ve got the picture now don’t you?
Meanwhile, the planet Pluto suddenly awoke after forty million millenia and regained sentience! It was still angry about being the smallest planet, still angry about being the ninth planet and even angrier about being named after a Greek god and even later Mickey Mouse's dog. You see, it was really named Urggrrggu K'ran, and it was intent on destroying the universe!
It ripped out of it's lunar path, setting the planet on a collision course for doom! Next, it decided to focus all of it's aggression on two people in particulur: Rody the Super-Rat and Dusty Baker, the ominous pair that somehow ignited this anger all those millenia ago...
Posted by EDE in LARDLAD's Body on :
...after they had been transported back to the past in a tremendous explosion to occur in the seventh post after this one!
But before we get to that, we should talk about the insanely evil plot that the One Called the One was launching at this very moment.
However, instead, we will return to the perhaps even more momentous occassions back on Legion World, where Marvin of the Brood and EDE were holding down the fort. At this point, the two were quite literally trying to hold the fort down, or more accurately, the Embassy, as the army of giant ants began lifting the entire building off its foundation!
"Jeepers!" EDE exclaimed.
Meanwhile, Leap Year Lass was on vacation! Her spot in the LMBP was temporarily filled by her half-witted cousin Everyday Girl, who that moment was...
[ November 11, 2003, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: Eryk Davis Ester ]
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
...was wondering why she hadn't been invited to lunch with the other LMBPers.
She wondered if she should go and help EDE and Marvin of the Brood to hold down the Embassy, or maybe call the Anteater Twins or Pesticide Pete.
She wondered if all this was just a result of the giant explosion that was going to happen in six panels from now, causing Rody the Super Rat and Dusty Baker to be blown into the past.
She wondered if the Time Trapper Mouse and the mysterious Golden Girl would become involved in the ant-attack at the Embassy or if they would somehow disrupt lunch.
Her musings were about to be answered, when a mysterious voice behind her said....
Posted by Abin Quank on :
“Youse guys is all watin’ on me, huh?”
Startled, Everyday Girl turned quickly to see… Nothing? And No-One? Confused, (a semi perpetual state of mind for her) she turned again trying to catch whichever LMBPer was playing tricks on her this time, but again she saw only Nothing and No-One. Sadly, she shakes her head and resumes her slow but brisk walk toward LMBP headquarters.
Despite years of tricks played on her, Everyday Girl has never quite figured out that Nothing and No-One really are there. She’s not the brightest bulb on the string you know. The invisible demonic twins are her punishment for the transgressions of her youth. And, because she is still young, and still transgressing regularly (she kind of likes transgressing, it’s fun and cheap and she sleeps really well afterwards) they will most likely be around for a long time. But, that’s a story for later because someone went and woke up Pluto.
Why, you ask, should we care if Pluto is awake? It’s the smallest planet, it’s so far away that even at the best speed it can make it won’t be here for two whole weeks at least (and in that time Lash can blow up and restart the universe at least 14 times). And to top it all off, it’s brain is a big frozen rock. When it gets here it probably won’t remember why it came, so who cares about Pluto?
Well, sadly things are just never that simple.
You see, during an untold story (one of those again) of the Justice Society of Message Board Posters or JSMBP, in which they battled their greatest foes, Brain-Yak (a talking green Yak with 9-2/3rd level intelligence), Lex Loser (Super Duper Marvelous Man’s arch-enemy), and Mogul (another Super Duper Marvelous Man baddie, an alien despotic skier) the original planet Pluto was destroyed.
For reasons way to complicated to go into here, this is after all an LMBP yarn, not a JSMBP story, the decision was made to replace the destroyed Pluto with Wart-World.
And to further complicate matters (don’t it always happen?). In yet another untold story, but at least this time it’s an LMBP story (Cobie, you better get busy writing a few of these), “The Invasion of the Robot-Cans,” the defeated Robot-Can army was resettled on Wart-World.
And it’s all Invisible Brainiac’s fault. Well at least we’re gonna blame it on him. Because in yet a third untold story (sound like a theme yet?) during which the LMBP was trapped in the 20th century by the Time Mouse Trapper (remember him, the guy whose supposed to be the villain in this largely untold story?) Invisible Brainiac borrowed a broken digital watch from Dr Will Fred (the guy who created the Metal Guys, but that’s a fourth untold story) and combined it with an Atari Game Cube and some spare parts from a Yugo to create, Commute-Toe.
Commute-Toe, who because of the use of the spare parts from a Yugo was born 15 years old and (as is natural for 15 year olds) instantly rebelled against his father, Invisible Brainiac, which caused all sorts of problems that we don’t have time to go into here, for our heroes. Luckily while Invisable Brainiac was creating Commute-Toe, Space Ranger made a side trip to Milwaukee and found a stand serving authentic foot long Bratwurst Chili and Sauerkraut Specials (By the dozen, with Michelob chasers) and ate two dozen of them. Well, you guys can guess what happened a few hours later. And, in an ironic twist it was Everyday Girl, who just happened to be along on this adventure because she thought that it offered a good chance for transgressions, who fell for his drunken “Go ahaid, Jes’ pull my finger” line.
Well, that blast ripped a hole in the space time continuum and allowed the LMBP to get home. (It also caused New Zealand to pass a tax on farm animal emissions, but that’s yet another untold story.)
So, where are we now? Okay, Wart-World, having been confused for Pluto by someone who hasn’t read all the afore mentioned untold stories, is on it’s way to Legion World to take revenge on Rhodey the Super Rat and Dusty Baker for something that didn’t happen to it but happened to Pluto instead. Wart-World is inhabited by Robot-Cans, who were built by Commute-Toe, who is the teenage robotic son of Invisible Brainiac, and did I mention that all the Robot-Cans just happen to look just like Plate-Dumb, the female member of the Metal Guys. (Sharn D’oh a distant descendant of Brain-Yak and truck stop waitress who shall thankfully go unnamed is supposed to be in here somewhere also, but that’s just too darn many untold stories.)
Have I forgotten anything? Oh yeah, those Giant Ants with the really dumb name.
If you go back a few posts you will see that a huge argument was raging inside the LMBP headquarters over where to go for lunch. Well, that argument is still going on. Lardy, who will eat anything and Hummer Lass, who only eats one thing, have grown weary of the argument and abiding by the restrictions placed on them by majority vote of the LMBP (a majority of one, by the way, Harbinger, who promised Lardy that she would stuff Hummer Lass somewhere that the sun doesn’t shine if she was forced to watch that scene again) have retired to Hummer Lass’s Yugo (what did you think she drove? Even I won’t go that far for a cheap joke!) in the LMBP parking lot.
Unfortunately for them, just as Hummer Lass has settled her lobster bib in place, the Giant Ants with the really dumb name appear and begin their assault on LMBP headquarters.
Now knowing Lardy as we do, we would expect him to ignore the Giant Ants with the really dumb name for at least five minutes (the average time it takes Hummer Lass to eat lunch) but for once he is sober. Now the prospect of this happening while he is sober has really excited him, but because he is sober, he can’t ignore the threat. This places him in a major moral dilemma and really pisses him off. He can see that only Marvin the badass brood boy and EDE are prepared to defend the LMBP headquarters because the rest of the Baker’s Dozen are still arguing.
So he rolls down the semi steamed up window of the Yugo and extends an arm out of it.
Well, the results are best expressed mathematically:
Pissed off Lardy + Lard force blast + Giant Ants with really dumb name = NO MORE FRIGGEN STUPID GIANT ANTS!
Whew, need to take a moment to calm down…
Okay, what else is going on?
The Time Mouse Trapper and The One called The One are playing dominoes in the mousehole at the end of time waiting for their turn in this story to roll around.
The Golden girl smiles to herself at the demise of the Giant Ants with the really stupid name because (in her previous life) she always hated when Cobie watched those dumb movies in LMBP headquarters instead of…
Dusty Baker is still looking for Rhodey the Super Rat so that they can go back in time and cause the JSMBP all kinds of trouble. He has read the untold stories, unlike some other people I could name, and knows the importance of maintaining continuity.
Oh yeah, Wart-World and the Robot-Cans are approaching Uranus…
[ November 11, 2003, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Just as the Giant Ants were being blasted by the Lardforce, the Time Mouse Trapper had a wonderful idea, or more exactly, an idea no one would find wonderful except him, Gary Coleman and possibly Poverty Lad.
He looked down on Legion World, and zapped the Cogaaad with a blast from his finger, while at the same time zapping Space Ranger, Harbinger, Numf-El and Icefyre! All four LMBPers now found themselves flung across space, and reappeared with the entire regiment of Giant Ants on a strange alien planet. Instead of figuring out what to do next, they immediately began battling again!
Marvin of the Brood and EDE breathed a sigh of relief as the invasion was over. Suddenly, the computer informed them that there was far more to it than that! The timestream appeared to be affected by it too...
Unknown to them, the Time Mouse Trapper had unleashed a giant space/time bomb on the universe causing things to get all flung about through the space/time continuim! This of course will lead to four panels from now, where Dusty Baker and Rody the Super Rat will be flung back in time where they will anger the planet Pluto, which will cause this whole thing to begin!
Other than Space Ranger and his fellow LMBPers being transported away with the Giant Ants, other things were affected by this time/space bomb. Only Marvin of the Brood and EDE were safe, as they watched on and saw that...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Every bad science fiction movie (and TV show) made from 1950 to 1970 was suddenly being reenacted in the streets of Legion World. And worse, they were interacting with each other.
Chaos reigned…
Godzilla battled Mothra… Godzilla battled King Kong… A strange space ship landed on the lawn of Crujectra’s palace… Godzilla battled the Three Stooges… Mars needed women… The 50 Foot Woman laughed at them… Venus needed men… The 50 Foot Man was intrigued by them… The Three Stooges got there first… I need a drink… Godzilla battled Ultra Man… Anime took over the universe… Space Ship X-51 blasted all of them without affecting any of them… I need another drink… The Addams Family battled the Munsters… Godzilla battled Will Robinson… Venus and Mars decided to go have a drink… The Robot battled Mothra… Dave Cockrum and Steve Lightle battled Anime… Dr. Smith hid… SHAKES was getting crowded… And on and on and on it went, as far as the eye (The Emerald Eye that is, which is a long goddamm way) could see…
And on top of LMBP Headquarters the Cobalt Kid stood looking out over the chaos, with a bemused expression on his face. Marvin and EDE could hear him muttering to himself.
“Just once, just one time, I want to have an idea that that bastard can’t fuck with…”
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Meanwhile on a planet far from Legion World where that titanic battle is just starting, another battle has come to an abrupt halt.
Hovering in the skies of that world are four members of the LMBP. Space Ranger, Harbinger, Numf-El, and Icefire stare at thousands of confused giant ants. Three of them are content with simply staying out of the giant ant’s way while they try to understand what happened to them. The fourth however has an entirely different idea about what they should do.
“Come on,” Icefire pleads with the other three, “you powerhouse types never let guys like me have any fun.”
One of his hands is encased in ice; the other spouts bright flames as he argues his case. His three companions are content to let him speak as they scan this new world with their combined super vision. None of the three have found any signs of intelligent life.
“I mean, they’re just ants, I can take them all by myself… A little fire on one side… some ice on the other… Poof… Instant Ant Brood Taco’s”
“Why?”
The question startles all of them. It seems to come from mid air a few feet away from where they hover.
Two forms begin to coalesce in the middle of a shimmering golden haze.
The Golden Girl and Fat Cramer have arrived…
Posted by Vee on :
******Interlude*******
Say, if I counted correctly the very next panel... yes, that's right... the VERY next panel is the one that will relate the events that cause the explosion which results in Rody the Super-Rat and Dusty Baker being flung back into the pst where they do something to really annoy the planet then known as Pluto!
So stay tuned and be sure to read...the VERY next panel!
******End Interlude********
Posted by STU on :
******* Interlude *******
Crap. Eight pages -- that's a lot of reading to catch up on.
[dives in]
******* End Interlude *******
Posted by Abin Quank on :
With Wart-World still approaching Uranus…
(Isn’t that a wonderful image to have stuck in your mind for a few hours? Well, just don’t think about it. All LMBPers should have the mental discipline to just put that image out of their minds. So do it. Just refuse to think about having a planet covered with Giant Warts around Uranus.)
And all the complications that having a planet covered with Giant Warts around Uranus will bring to this story later, this might be an appropriate time to tell the story of how Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat were thrust backwards in time…
* RING… RING… *
* Story Interlude *
Ummm…. Sorry guys, gotta answer the com-link.
(picks up com-link)
Kid, Dis is Eddie Tor, look I knows ta is try’n ta tell dis story all proper like but da last poster screw’d it all up. Dat was da space reservised for da Dusty an Rody meet da JSMBP (wit me personal favorit all toime heroine type goil, Spectaculr Aqua Lungs Lass) an battle Duck Dodgers and dat whacky Green Lanterin Clone buddy o’ his on Pluto, which of course brings Brain-Yak, Lex Loser, an’ Mogul outta da woodworkin’s an’ pisses off Pluto to da point where he explodes like an’ a new Disney Woild Star is born. An’ I know’s ya had a terifficly funny story all writ fer dat.
But, ya kan’t put it in now cause like, Puppy Stu, stuck dat post o’ his in yer spot. So ya gots ta pick up at da next story point where ya know who… says ya know what…
Umm… Eddie, please, I worked twenty whole minutes on that story… you can’t expect me to just flush it… And, I know everybody wants to read it…
Kid, look, we gots rules in dis here bizness. I’m sorry, like, but dere just ain’t no room fer dat segment.
Sprock! Okay Eddie…
(Slams down com-link)
Umm… Sorry guys, but you heard what Eddie Tor said. I have to pick up the plot with the post that was scheduled to go here.
[Sarcastic voice]
THANKS PUPPY STU!!!!!!
[/Sarcastic voice]
* End Story interlude *
Cobalt Kid, Marvin the Badass Brood Boy, and EDE stood staring at the spot where Dusty baker and Rody the Super Rat had been. The only two heroes who knew how to end the bad science fiction movie (and TV show) invasion of Legion World were gone. Around them chaos still reigned…
And in deep space Wart-World grew ever closer to Uranus… (But none of you guys are thinking of the planet covered with Giant Warts around Uranus image are you?)
And, on that other planet (the one without the WARTS) The Golden Girl said to Icefire…
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
"I don't recognize most of you, but I can tell you are part of the LMBP. I once knew many LMBers, and one in particulur, a young man named Cobalt..."
FC turned to her, "Hm, I didn't know you were familiar with the LMBP. I thought you had something to warn us about, something vile..."
"Your right. Enough about my past. The universe is in danger. The Time Mouse Trapper is attacking, and this time, he means to destroy the universe, Legion World, the LMBP and Lash Lad in particulur for some reason."
"We need to get back to Legion World!" yelled Icefyre, as the heroes momentarily forgot about the ants, who ran rampant on their new world.
"Yes, we do" replied Golden Girl, although she concealed a strange grin that implied there was far more to her than anyone knew...
--------------- The One called the One watched on, as LMBPers were transported through space and time and chaos reigned. He saw as Varalant, Outdoor Miner and Kid Prime were thrown across the universe into the middle of a pizza eating contest against the Predator, G'nort and Jim Brown!
But what he really cared about was Eryk Davis Ester, his true target. He watched as Marvin of the Brood, Cobalt Kid and EDE fended off time and space attacks with large shilaleaghs, and prepared for his own plan...
------------- Meanwhile, Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat were hurled through time to centuries earlier. All the knew was that they were going to encounter the planet Pluto when it freely roamed around as a sentient being...
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Golden GIrl smiled curiously, lost in a memories of past adventures with the LMBP and that one weekend alone with Cobalt....
"Hey, wake up!" she heard Harbinger cry. "We have to get back to Legion World, Golden GIrl. Can you get us there?"
"Wait, wait" said Fat Cramer. "This place is not so bad. Fewer people to deal with, and I feel like a Giant Ant Taco. Maybe we should sit down and discuss this over some tea and tacos."
"No time for that, FC" counseled Space Ranger. "EDE and Marvin need our help now! Truth, justice and the LMBP will prevail!"
"And I have a terrible premonition that something awful is going to happen to Lash Lad, something involving the TIme Mouse Trapper. We must warn him."
"This is all so confusing" moaned Fat Cramer. "I suppose the best thing is to just get on with the job and eat later. Golden GIrl, I hope you're coming with us this time and not just float around in space."
Golden Girl continued to smile her haunting, seductive smile. A golden glow rose around the LMBP, then, in a sparkling flash, the LMBP were transported to Legion World.
"Good riddance to that biped rubbish" muttered Slammin Sammy Sosa. "Maybe now we can just live a peaceful ant existence."
*********
Back on Legion World, chaos reigned. EDE, Marvin of the Brood and Cobalt Kid continued to battle time and space upheavals. The bad science fiction movies playing out in the streets had become bad Hugh Grant movie reenactments, leaving the three heroes cowering in horror.
"What a mess" groaned Numf-el. "Nothing to do but charge forward and try to storm LW headquarters. Lead on, Ranger!"
Space Ranger, Harbinger and Numf-el ran forward, shouting battle cries.
"I'll go help those three rescue Cobalt" said Golden Girl.
"I'll go look for Lash and warn him about the Time Mouse Trapper" said Icefire.
"I'll go look for some tea" said Fat Cramer. "I think Gunpowder might be appropriate in this situation."
EDE, Marvin and Cobalt could be seen on the front steps of the Embassy. Suddenly, the ground shook and the three heroes froze. Space Ranger (and his team) made it to the steps, gasping for breath and asked "What is happening now?".
"I was afraid of something like this" replied Marvin. "I encountered this once on a Brood Mission. Things could get very bad very quickly here...." He was cut off by a sudden, violent explosion....
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
He was cut off by a violent explosion, which scattered various LMBPers across time and space, including sending Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat back in time to piss off Pluto!
"Didn't this already happen several posts ago?" asked Cobalt Kid.
"Jeepers!" EDE exclaimed, "it must be some sort of space-time anomaly!"
Meanwhile...
Leap Year Lass smiled at her reflection in the mirror. She was dressed to the 9's and her combination Allysa Milano-Allyson Hannigan look was sure to make her date's heart skip a beat!
*BREEEP!*
Her date had arrived. She sashayed to the entryway and opened it to find......
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
H.G. Wells! Knowing that this had happened during a few hot summer nights a year ago, H.G. couldn't allow stories to constantly be replayed over and over again. While history recorded him as a writer, he was secretly a time travelling super-hero in the 1800's! He had travelled to the future to help the LMBP, but suddenly landed in a time loop at Teeds' door!
However, he was suddenly hit by...!
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
However, he was suddenly hit by a bed falling out of the sky!
Lucifer Lass and Leap Year Lass stood there face to face. They knew what they had to do together. They must find...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Pornis! In their hearts they both knew that the connection between Pornis, Lucifer Lass, the One Called the One and Eyrk Davis Ester had never totally been revealed! Something far more sinister was lurking in the shadows!
Meanwhile, the Time Mouse Trapper watched on in glee as the LMBP were scattered across time! Golden Girl made her way over to Cobalt, EDE and Marvin of the Brood, while other LMBPers blipped in and out of continuity. Suddenly Princess No-Protection had a freak occurance Captain Lightbulb type notion! She turned to Fat Cramer and Varalent and said...
Posted by Numf El on :
Shoulder to shoulder Numf-El stood with the Cobalt one, battling Mothra, evading Godzillas laser eye blasts and generally kicking ass. Harbinger was watching their backs - at least that's what she told them she was watching.
In between punches and blasts, Numf-El glanced sideways at Cobie, as if noticing him for the first time.
"Hey are you Cobalt Kid?" Numf asked nervously.
"I most certainly am, young man, pleased to make your acquaintance" replied Cobie. "And you are?"
"Believe it or not, I'm your son."
Cobie stopped what he was doing as if he had just been hit by a brick. Which he had, because Godzilla had knocked a sprocking big house on top of him.
"Oi, wait a minute ya big plooky puddock ye!" exploded Numph verbally. "That's ma fookin' dad you've jist pummelled. Ah'm gonna make a sprockin' big Haggis oota you're innards!"
With Harbingers help, having heard the magic H word, Godzilla was in fact quickly turned into Legion Worlds biggest, and in fact first ever, Lizzard Gizzard Haggis.
Seeing the utter destruction meted out on Godzilla for annoying just one of the heroes, the other villains decided it might just be time to slink away, hopefully without being noticed. Unfortunately they didn't notice the eddies in the space time continuum ("Is he?") which had them falling sideways onto a planet deserted apart from 40,000,000 hungry Gi-Ants. "Bugger!"
As Icey helped Cobalt Kid to his feet, all the others gathered round to hear the strange tale about to be told by Cobies son.......
Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Interlude *
Stop it Numf... You're Killing Me...
ROTFLMAO
* End Interlude *
Posted by Space Ranger on :
But sadly, before Numph-El could begin his tale of woe and explain to Cobalt Kid, his newfound father, how he had been raised in a mud hut, somewhere north of the arctic circle, in that strange and wonderful country known as Scotland, he was silenced by the resumption of Harbinger and Sonnie Bloke’s longstanding argument.
Well he wasn’t actually silenced but what he had to say couldn’t be heard; it was drowned out by Harbi and Sonnie’s argument. No conceivable voice – however powerful – could possibly be heard over the unintelligible roars coming from those two, as they argued over the relative culinary merits of Lizard Gizzard Haggis. Things like where to open their new shop, Aberdeen or Edinburgh, or possibly Houston (yes there is a Houston in Scotland but I’m not telling how I know that, mainly because it involves a bunch of Australian Submarine Sailors, two cute barmaids, and lots of Foster’s lager in 24 ounce cans) but definitely not Loch Ness, and where to find Godzilla’s twin brother.
Now as we all know Numfie is Sonnies bigger, uglier and downright nastier brother (But Sonnie is NOT related to Cobie, as Numfie’s sad tale will tell) and he is the only person on Legion World who has any chance of breaking up one of their fabled arguments (see the Brothers Grimm’s Big Book of Fables, Volume 38, the Story of Harbi, Numph, and Sonnie and the Three Century Argument).
Suddenly, Sonnie and Harbi are dangling inches above the ground, being held only by the ears.
"Shut yer wheesht the pair a yiz! Yer baith fechtin' like a coupla jessies. Yi twa feel puddocks, if yi dinna stoap I'll rip aff yer airms'n' legs an' hit yiz oan the heid wi ma Toblerone!
It’s the same thing he says every time he is forced to break up an argument between them – generally between three and fifty seven times a day – and they react in their usual manner, they ignore him.
So he throws them far enough away that the argument only registers 4.5 on the Richter scale, which considering what is currently going on, and on, and on, on Legion World, is fairly quiet.
Turning back to his dumbfounded father, Numph-El again begins to tell his sad tale of woe. But unfortunately the invasion of Legion World by time warped forces is still going on. The old science fiction movies (and TV shows) which had become bad Hugh Grant movie reenactments now became Jerry Springer Show re-runs. Suddenly third rate actors pretending to be trailer trash floozies were everywhere, screeching at the top of their lungs and ripping off each others clothes.
This time it was the Cobalt Kid who sprang into action.
“Hold on Son,” he nodded at the scene unfolding before their eyes, “I’ll get us some popcorn and beer while you pick out the best ones to watch. You can tell me your story after the show.”
And so, the newly reunited father and son settled in for a little male bonding.
But, unknown to them Wart-World was still approaching Uranus. (Thought that image was gone forever didn’t ya. Well think again, I’ve had a week to think up new Warts around Uranus jokes and in the third post after this one I’m gonna hit you guys with all of them at once.)
But, unfortunately for our heroes, just as a really well endowed blonde (NOT Harbinger, I took enough of a beating the last time I wrote a scene like that) was about to have her halter top completely ripped away, a new voice interrupted their bonding.
“Harrumph… I should have known… Like father, like son…”
Cobalt and Numph turned and saw the Golden Girl staring at them with a furious look in her eyes.
Numph blushed, put his hands behind his back, and began kicking dirt around like a small boy. “Hi Mom…”
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
"What the-?!" said Cobalt Kid as Golden Girl approached Numf-El and Cobalt. "This is your mother?" he asked, still in shock to have yet another child, and one that wasn't an alien, robot or avatar! One day Cobalt would have to catalogue all his kids, but Numf-El seemed the most like good ol' dad.
"Yeah, this is mom" said Numf, as Golden Girl approached. "she can be a bit bitchy though..." "Laugh all you want Numf-El" she yelled, "but I've secretly come here to kill you Cobalt Kid!"
Just as she prepared to blast Cobalt, Fat Cramer took her down in a tackle! But before anyone else could do anything, Lucifer Lass and Thriftshop Debutante entered the fray as...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Or rather dressed as… The universally famous wrestling tag team champions “The Flying Haggis Sisters”. Thrifty, dressed as Hedda Haggis, quickly pulled Cobalt back from entering the fray while Lucifer Lass, dressed as Hanna Haggis, separated Fat Cramer and the Golden Girl. Numph-El quickly picked his jaw up from the ground where it had fallen after his Mom’s sudden outburst and returned it to its proper location on the lower half of his face, then looked at her curiously and smiled.
“Wot, always havin yer wee jokes then, Ma?”
“No Joke Son, after what that bastich did to me, and to you.”
“Who are you? What are you talking about?” Cobie’s voice cracked as he asked those questions, but he continued on despite sounding like Donald Duck on helium, “I never even knew about Numph-El until a few minutes ago and I still don’t know who you are!”
“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???” All four women screamed at him at the exact same time.
Numph-El, despite being some years younger than Cobalt (while at the same time being a few years older, but don’t worry all this will be explained in a later post, by someone else, if they can figure it out) was much smarter than his father in dealing with simultaneously angry women, began to back out of the line of fire. It was obvious to him that an amazing thing had just occurred. In certain situations, such as whenever a woman becomes annoyed with her significant other – provided that the significant other is male – all women within a certain radius will rally to her defense. If the significant other is female this rule becomes null and void.
“I said…” Cobalt’s attempt to clarify his statement was cut off by four nearly simultaneous angry shouts…
Thrifty, dressed as Hedda Haggis, “YOU DON”T RECOGNIZE THE MOTHER OF YOUR OWN CHILD!!!!”
Lucifer Lass, dressed as Hanna Haggis, “YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO FLIRT WITH ME AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO HER!!!!”
Golden Girl, Dressed as herself, whoever that is, “YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE ME… ME!! AFTER I GAVE YOU THE BEST WEEKS OF MY LIFE… AND A FINE SON… AND YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE ME!!!”
Fat Cramer, Dressed in her Campaign Speech Clothing, “WHEN I AM ELECTED LEGION WORLD LEADER…”
No resident of Legion World has ever had a cause to question Cobalt’s bravery under fire. The man is just flat out courageous. But, he’s not always smart. He will always choose to fight back, even when facing the most terrible odds.
And if you think one man against three fired up women who have decided that their sex’s honor has been impugned, backed by a female political candidate who just realized that she has the campaign issue to end all campaign issues sitting there ripe for the plucking, isn’t terrible odds, well brother you got another think coming.
Unfortunately for poor Cobie, his voice still sounded like Donald Duck on helium as he tried valiantly to make himself heard over the din.
“Ladies… Ladies Please…”
Well needless to say the invasion of Legion World by Jerry Springer Show Re-Runs was forgotten by all involved in this fracas. But the fracas caught the attention of those twin forces of trash journalism, Pappa Rotzi and Jerry Springer.
Both of them were fast approaching our heroes, cameras on tow and notebook in hand…
[ November 20, 2003, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Both of them were fast approaching our heroes, cameras on tow and notebook in hand…until they were accidently zapped by a terrible laser beam from an alien species! Time travelling/extra-dimensional monsters still ravaged Legion World as the LMBers dealt with their new found problems!
Cobalt turned to Numf-El and Golden Girl. "Wait a minute. How could you be my son when you're at least five years older than me?" "Time travel dad." replied Numf. "I was sent back in time when I was born, and have only recently learned that you were me father. This Golden Girl here is me mother, I recognize her from me childhood." The turned to her. "And I've come for my revenge." she yelled. "I've allied with the Time Mouse Trapper! All of Legion World is engulfed in a time warp, and just like your precious Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat have been transported away, I've sent my son back in time to become Numf-El! And now I will kill you Cobalt Kid for what you did to me all those years ago! And to think that I loved you once!" "But," said Cobalt "who the hell are you?"
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Meanwhile, the Time Mouse Trapper watched on, smiling with Delight. His plans were succeeding as planned, and he would have his revenge on the entire LMBP! Golden Girl would do her part, and the time warps were sending LMBPers far away so that there was nothing they could do.
He turned to his army standing before him: the Cogaaad Ants! Under a yellow sun they were powerless on Legion World, but by transporting them away to a world with a red sun, they now had the power of Daxamites and Superman! They could ravage the universe at a moments whim, and that is what he planned for them to do!
"Now my army, we shall ravage and destroy the world! On my signal..."
----------------------
Far off, the One called the One watches, as she too has her own plans. Let the Time Mouse Trapper destroy what he can, for the LMBP and he can destroy each other. Her interest is in Lucifer Lass and Eryk Davis Ester, and another figure none had yet considered...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Back on Legion World, Cobalt and Numf-El stared at Golden Girl, sure that any second she would reveal who she was! When suddenly, Lucifer Lass and Thriftshop Debutante suddenly blasted them all back!!!!
Lucifer Lass grabbed Eryk Davis Ester, as Teeds nodded to her, and their unsaid agreement remained firm. Lucifer Lass, Teeds and EDE teleported out, although Marvin of the Brood, Fat Cramer and Harbinger managed to leep into the teleporing beam, so they too went with them...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
The LMBPers continued to fight as best they could, as Princess Crujectra let loose a Code Red alert, as LMBPers from all over came! Space Ranger, Abin Quank, Kid Prime, Icefyre, Vee, Semi, Arachne, Lash, Lardy, Hummer Lass, Kid Prime, Sharky, Lucien and others gathered, as they put a combined effort to stop the time distortions that were occuring.
Doctor One worked with Invisible Brainiac to try and come up with some way to bring time back to normal again, when suddenly they got a message from Dev-Em and Kara, in a galaxy far away. "It's the ants guys. Somehow they're ultra powerful, and they're destroying everything!" yelled Dev. "We need help!" screamed Kara, as Giant Ants attacked! "Now our problem is two fold..." muttered Doctor One, trying to figure out what to do...
------------------
And somewhere in time, Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat met the planet Pluto for the first time...
-------------------
Meanwhile among the super-powerful giant ants, they were enjoying their new found power and were happy with the prospect of enslaving the world!
All except one that is. P'ym H'Enry, an ant that considered himself a scienctist, appeared to be the last of the Cogaaad to have a conscience. With the ability to shrink to the size of a normal man, and to also communicate with men, he adopted a new super-hero guise: Ant-Man! Ant-Man contacted fellow non-human Outdoor Miner whom he had meant in a bar long ago...
...however, Outdoor Miner was still drinking. All this time since page two, and he was hammered. The world's fate appeared to be in the hands of Outdoor Miner as he slammed home another Guiness...
[ November 21, 2003, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Quaalude *
Sitting safely elsewhere, Eddie Tor mumbles something profane as he reads the latest story threads. How can things go so wrong, so quickly? Vaguely technical thoughts rattle around inside his head as he ponders what to do now.
Half a good cigar and three beers later he makes his decision.
“Well, it’s dat toime,” he mutters as he pushes away from his battered desk and leaves his small office. “I gotta do dis, but I don’t gotta like doin dis.”
He slowly wanders down the space/time continuum hallway eventually stopping in front of a door marked “Log-On World.” Inside that room are the actors who have been written into the “Ongoing Tag Team Thread”, He doesn’t want to face them but steeling himself he pushes the door open. Eager faces great his arrival.
“Ummm… Look youse guys, I’m sorry like, but dis show is wat’s called a totally flop. Dere ain’t no more readers, and mosta da writers have given up even tryin. All ya gottsta do is read da last few posts. Dey won’t give up on crummy iders and dey keep stompin all over each udder. Dat Cobalt guy tinks dis is a Rob Leftfield book, all action dat don’t like make no sense, like, and dat Abin Quanky character is even woise, he acturally tinks his crap is funny.”
He paused then and looked down at his feet before continuing.
"Weel, I guess wot I’m tryin ter say am I gotsta let a few o yer’s go…”
“Ever’day Goil, I knows ya thought dis was yer big break like, a chance ter breaks inta da big toime. But dey won’t give you no chance here, ‘sept maybe ta get a laugh by pullin da Spaced Rangerer’s finger again, so it’s back ta limbo fer you and yer demons.”
“Golden Goil, I knows dey screwed yer character all up, but ya just gots ta ride it out, yer contract like, won’t let me change tings.”
“Wart Woild and da Robot-Cans, youse is outta here too. Da space fer da “Warts around Uranus” jokes got killed by somebody, so it’s back ta limbo fer youse guys.”
“Where ya goin’ Spectaculr Aqua Lungs Lass? Dey might use ya, dey likes big chested bimbos, and youse is da best dere ever was.”
“Okays, ever’body dat’s left, be ready fer like non-stoppin fights cause I tink deres only one writer left, and he ony like, knows how ta write fights an udder “Image Comics” stuff.”
“Sorry bout dat guys an goils, buts I kin only do so much. Fer dose o ya dats left I’ll be inna can fer a few weeks, I gotsta take a majer dump.”
* Quaalude wears off *
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
**Interlude**
Sounds like time for a "Springtime for Darkseid" revival ....or What Would Giffen Do?
**End interlude**
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Doctor One and Invisible Brainiac, in an effort to save the universe as well as to get the story rolling, decided that they had to do two things: send a team to stall the giant ants so that they wouldn't destroy Legion World, as well as everybody who could still save the universe, and send one team back in time to rescue Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat! And maybe, if they had time, they could even go after EDE, but they didn't really want to tangle up with the still-angry Teeds and Lucifer Lass just yet. The giant ants werenb't such a big problem, since Faraway could just send them far away, but the time travel was just a tad bit more difficult, because all the time distortions were causing all the time bubbles and other time-travel devices to malfunction. They thought and they thought and they thought about what to do, while the remaining LMBPers got their collective behinds whacked by the time distortions. In the end, they decided that the best way to end the time distortions so they could safely travel back in time was to use someone who was always distorted: Everyday Girl!
IB, Numf-el and Cobie (who was still wondering who Golden Girl was) were sent to fetch her, and they found her up on top of the Empire State Building, wondering why she was stuck inside the hands of a giant ape.
"Cobalt, do you think you can generate sufficient power to injure King Kong enough so that he will release Everyday Girl?" IB queried.
"Who was that Golden woman?" Cobie pondered ponderously. It wasn't just the fact that he had had a child that he didn't know about that bothered him, but also the fact that he couldn't remember what he did or how much fun he had had or whether it had been because he had been so good or so bad that had caused Golden Girl to hate his guts thoroughly.
"I don't know much about her identity either. I don't know anything about what her life had been like before I was born. " said Numf-el, trying not to think about how weird it was that he was older than his father, who should have been older than him.
"Will you two cease this useless prattling and concentrate on rescuing the girl?" snapped IB, partly because Everyday Girl's safety was important to the safety of the universe, and partly because it had been Doctor One, not him, who formulated the plan.
"Hey, you can't tok to me dad tat way!" said a totally pissed of Numf-el.
"And you can't talk to my... son that way!" said Cobie, who was not used to calling anyone son, much less acknowledging that he actually had a son.
"If you two don't act quickly, then the universe will be lost and you will have an eternity to get used to the idea that you two are actually related to each other!" IB yelled back.
Then the three of them kept squabbling, Numf-el yelling Scottish obscenities that neither of the others could understand while he was flinging haggish everywhere, while IB was yelling insults filled with big words that neither of the others mcould understand while he was using his force-field to whack the others, and Cobie was just yelling anything he could think of while eyeing Everyday Girl. Unfortunately, the three of them made so much noise that King Kong grabbed all three of them in one large furry hand and squeezed very very tightly.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
"We have to get out of here!" said Cobie, who was not used to the idea of being pressed up tight against two other men, one of them his son. "Can any of you get loose?"
"If we could, then we would have freed ourselves already!" said IB, who was uncomfortably conscious of the fact that his hormones combined with the squeezing action of King Kong's hand were playing havoc with a certain part of his anatomy, and that given the situation, it was only a matter of time before the same thing happened to the other two, or at least to Cobie. He was even more uncomfortable than the others since he was upside-down, and he didn't want to think about where his nether regions were.
"Wot about that goil over there? Mebbe she could help." suggested Numf-el.
"Good idea! Let me talk to her." said IB, who was struggling not to become visible, lest this become even more embarrassing than it already was. "Hey, Everyday Girl, can you utilize your distortion abilities to confuse this smelly ape long enough for us to free ourselves?"
"Aaaah! Is that a ghost?" said the ever-confused Everyday Girl. She wasn't stupid, she just couldn't think very well, what with being around Nobody all the time.
"I'm not a ghost! I'm a superhero, you..." IB managed to sputter out just before Numf-el's boot got lodged firmly in his wide-open mouth.
"Nice work, son! Now let me do the talking."beamed Cobie at Numf, who beamed back in return. "Everyday Girl, do you think you can use make this guy go away? I know you can."
"Hm... well, I can try, if only I can remember how..." said EG.
"Please hurry!" said Numfie, who not only felt his boot getting wet, but also felt something uncomfortable pressing against his neck.
"I'm trying! Maybe if I wave my hands..." said EG.
"Wrong one!" said Cobie, whose hands had grown considerably larger because of EG. Sure, he was excited about what he could do with such large, strong hands, but that certain part of his anatomy was also starting to bulge out, and he didn't want to be a bad example for his son just yet. "Try again!"
"Okay... I think I got it! No, wait, this one! No, wait..." and this went on and on and on. Luckily, the three LMBPers buff bodies were hard enough to withstand the pressure of King Kong's hands, who wasn't squeezing too hard yet anyway. Unfortunately, both IB and Cobie had already had embarrassing accidents, and Numfie may have been on the way, and all three were finding it hard to breath and were trying hard not to think about how odd it felt to be stuck with two other men in this situation. They were just about to give up hope, when suddenly, EG let out a yell, which was part-scream and part-giggle, because she had just caused King Kong to...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Totally disappear! (Although he actually reappeared in the Emerald Empress's harem, but that's a story for another minute...)
With Everyday girl now joining their motley crew, Cobalt's team immediately rejoined the others with Doctor One. Everyday Girl was suddenly tripped by Nothing and No-One, the two being who really followed her around, but laughed whole-heartedly at the LMBPers, thinking they played a trick on her, although Arachne eyed Space Ranger strangely about this.
Doctor One and Invisible Brainiac then gave a long winded speech about shutting down the time distorions, and stopping the constant havoc being caused, but no one really kept listening after the word 'logarithm' was said for the third time. In fact, Icey began dancing on a pole, Lash starting playing Hangman and Marvin of the Brood, Blockade Boy and Super Lad Kid started swinging on the monkey bars. Finally, Doctor One explained that all the LMBPers had t do, was watch on, as he plugged the machine in that he and Invisible Brainiac had created, pushed the big red button, and time stopped being distorted! "That's fuckin weak" said Cobalt in disgust, as Princess Crujectra wondered how this dumb plot device could ever be topped in this thread. "However," said the good Doctor, "Dusty Baker and Rody are on their own, trapped in the past, I don't know how to free them." All the LMBPers looked at each other, until Shark Lad said "fuck 'em." -----------
Meanwhile, Golden Girl eyed Cobalt Kid and Numf-El, as she watched from above. She had been forgotten for a second (not really, just other problems were developing), and prepared to strike.
----------------
And at SHAKES, Outdoor Miner downed another shot of whiskey, as Ant-Man sent him the information on how to defeat the Cogaaad and the Time Mouse Trapper...
----------------
Meanwhile, Wart World was still approaching Uranus, although the Super Moby Dick of the Space now stood in it's way.
Posted by STU on :
quote:Originally posted by Cobalt Kid: Meanwhile, Wart World was still approaching Uranus, although the Super Moby Dick of the Space now stood in it's way.
*** INTERLUDE ***
At that moment, STU sleepily peered out at his front stoop. The next day's copy of the Naltor News was there -- but every page was blank.
STU muttered angrily, "You know, I paid good money for that subscription, and they think it's funny to send out defective copies? I think I'm going to write an irate letter to the editor later. Maybe tomorrow."
He closed the door and went back to bed.
*** END INTERLUDE ***
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Despite Shark-lad’s comment, and while Eddie Tor is in the can, let us take a trip backwards through time to the year 1950, or maybe it’s the year 2050, but whichever year it is, it’s a long time ago.
In the mountain cave HQ of the Justice Society of Message Board posters (JSMBP) we find an odd assemblage of heroes.
First there is Spectacular Aqua Lungs Lass. Or Sally for short, who has recently taken up permanent residence in the JSMBP HQ because her normal home at the bottom of Loch Ness in Scotland has been overrun by Nessie hunters due to a rash of sightings. In reality the problem is her fault. She is easily the world’s fastest swimmer using the “Sideways Backstroke” method and she recently decided to do some speed swimming in Loch Ness. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) to the untrained eye the sight of two enormous humps moving across Loch Ness at extremely high speeds will always bring out the Monster hunters.
Currently she is resting in her specially built water filled tank. Sally doesn’t actually breathe underwater although she can hold her breath, due to her amazing lungs, for almost an hour. She must stay in the water so that her body’s natural buoyancy helps her to relieve the strain on her back. If she is out of the water for more than an hour she gets such a backache.
Next is Super Duper Marvelous Man, the oldest and best dressed of all superheroes. He has called the JSMBP to order because of a “Crisis in Outer Space” that we will get to shortly.
Third is the Green Latrine, the JSMBP’s newest member. He recently joined after their last adventure “The Super Outhouse of Space” which resulted in this latest in their series of “Infinite Crisis’s”. Very little is known about the being known as the Green Latrine except that he looks just like his name suggests he should. Including the quarter moon symbol in the middle of what our heroes think is his forehead.
The final regular member of the JSMBP present is super speedster Jessica Quickly. She is so fast that during the “Super Outhouse of Space” she met the being called the Anti-Moderator, had a brief affair with him, and gave birth to a set of twins, all in a nine minute off panel stint. Unfortunately, in the brains department she is the exact opposite of most other super speedsters, the faster she’s moving, the slower she thinks. She doesn’t even remember that the preceding events happened.
Also present are two recent visitors to the JSMBP universe.
Duck Bloggers is a cartoonish hero from an alternate, but closely related universe. He is either a Man shaped duck or a Duck shaped man; no-one is totally positive which. But, he has been trapped in this universe by an inaccurate quote on a Comic Book website that fanboys have been arguing over on the D.C. Boards for several months now. Why a quote from an artist about the relative strengths of Superman and Thor should affect him is unknown.
With Duck Bloggers is his sometimes sidekick, Cloned Green Pig. The amazing thing about CGP is that he’s a real barnyard pig, just green instead of pink. Duck thinks that the JSMBPers are going to send CGP back with him if they ever figure out how to do so. The JSMBPers have the Luau Pit dug and are just waiting for Duck to get hungry.
The meeing came to order ten minutes ago… One minute ago Dusty and Rody appeared…
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Cloned Green Pig?!! ROTFLMAO! By far my new favorite character in LMBP lore! Haha, this could be the break out character of the year, who could really put the JSMP on the map!
*end interlude*
Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Quaalude *
Ummmm… *gum snap* Like Eddie’s still on the can, so this is his sexytary Trixie, speakin’ atcha. Like everybody knows *gum snap* pigs and rats don’t like *gum snap* talk human speech and stuff. *gum snap* but to make the hack writer’s job easier *gum snap* like we’re gonna all pretend they do. *gum snap* Okay? *gum snap* Like everybody had to believe real hard in fairies in that Disney movie? *gum snap* Okay? You just gotta believe that pigs and rats really can talk! *gum snap* (and I gotta see if Leroy has any openings fer new girls)
* Quaalude wears Off *
Dusty and Rody landed in the middle of the JSMBP Conference table with a wet plop. Apparently somewhere they had passed through during their trip through time had been very wet, and smelled quite bad… or else Dusty’s advertising contract with “Depends” was a big sham.
“Holy Malarkey!” Super Duper Marvelous Man’s favorite expression slipped out as the pair appeared in mid air, swiftly followed by a loud “Jiminy Crapper” from the Green Latrine as they landed on the table.
Laying face down on the table with Rody perched between his shoulder blades and a fetid green aroma rising from the neither regions of his pantaloons Dusty couldn’t help but agree with both of them.
“Well, where are we?” Rody asked no-one in particular.
Rody’s question caused five pair of eyebrows to raise, six if you count the Green Latrine’s, which I don’t because I think they’re painted on his wooden door-like face.
Not surprisingly however it was Duck Bloggers who spoke first. “What’s that despicable smell?”
“Here, I can fix that,” said the Green Latrine as he bent over and swung his face-door open. An eerie green fog filled the table top area and within seconds Dusty was as clean and fresh as a daisy. “It’s my power you know,” he said as the eerie green fog withdrew into the open door behind his face.
“No, we didn’t know,” said SDMM and Jessica Quickly simultaneously. Both of them then looked at each other with an odd green gleam in their eyes, this guy could be very handy on long road trips or at keggers both thought, again simultaneously.
“Umm… you two are wierding me out again…” Sally’s voice came from her tank in the corner, “Could you please stop simultaneously green gleaming at each other, so we can figure out who these guys are?”
Just in case nobody’s figured it out yet, Spectacular Aqua Lungs lass has a statuesque mind to go along with her really great hooters and is the actual brains behind most JSMBP adventures. Those that require a brain that is, which as will become increasingly obvious soon, aren’t that many. But the pig is talking now so we will come back to this later.
“What happened, it smelled good for a minute then it went away?”
Now most people don’t know that pigs are actually pretty smart animals, smarter than dogs, cats, or horses. In fact they’re almost as smart as dolphins, only almost though, as you never see cans of tuna fish with “pig safe” labels on them. Just like you never see Dolphin Ham for sale at your local Super Duper; hence the term “almost”.
None the less, it was Dusty and Rody’s turn to be shocked by a talking pig.
* Quaalude *
“Umm… … *gum snap* Like Eddie’s still on the can, so this is his sexytary Trixie, speakin’ atcha, again, so like, could you please get on with the freekin’ story, like?” *gum snap*”
* Quaalude wears Off *
So after a quick round of introductions and mutual story exchanges, our heroes’ adjourn to the JSMBP Ready room where the JSMBP Ouija Board is kept.
“This should tell us what we need to know,” SDMM comments as he sits facing JC with the board on their laps, with their knee’s gently touching, and the odd green gleam returning to their eyes, as they simultaneously reach for the heart shaped slider. Their breath begins to quicken, their hearts race…
“Will you two PLEASE get your (w)hor(e)mones under control???”
SDMM and JC both look away in an em-bare-assed fashion as SALLy’s voice shatters their latest magical moment.
Unfortunately their em-bare-ass-ment doesn’t last long, as a strange voice begins speaking from the ouija board slider…
Posted by Numf El on :
---Interlude------
Don't you just hate it when you right a great long story, go to add it to the thread, only to find that you've lost your server connection..
----End of Interlude----
Posted by Numf El on :
And that should have read "write"...
-------------
In the midst of the Rubble, Barney turned to Betty, and looking up at those amazing eyes said "You know something Betty, I think we're in the wrong cartoon here. This don't look like Bedrock to me. Lets get outta here. To quote Fred, Yabbadabadoo!!!!" And so saying out intrepid duo got in their car and ran like hell.
Numf turned to his father and said "Wasn't that...naw, forget it. Anyway, did you realise that you've only got three minutes 'til my conception?"
"Three minutes - but what about romance, wooing. I like to get to know my women - poetry reading, candlelit meals, foot massages, preferably a bit of pre-coital genital rubbing at the very least. What does she expect me to do in 3 minutes."
"Sprocks sake Dad, you've obviously never been to Scotland. You're lucky if you can find someone who'll take their jumper off first. And for a bago' chips and their busfare hame on a Saturday night..."
"We're wasting time here son, I can't even see where she is, and I've got no desire to sha.."
"Behave. That's my maw you're talkin' about."
"Sorry sonny."
"No, I'm Numf - he's Sonny!"
"Why are you defending her anyway, she deserted you and left you in that God forsaken country."
"No, she left me in Scotland, no' England. And the reason that I'm defending her is 'cos I don't want this to turn into some kind of misojjinnnistik ranting."
"Very noble though it be, why not?" asked Cobie, sensing that there was more behind the words than mere nobility.
"'Cos Harbi'll gie me a fuckin' doing!"
"Very valid point" said Golden Girl who had creeped up behind our father and son bonding heroes.
Faster than the proverbial speeding bullet, Golden Girl thrust her hand inside Codies shorts.
"Well Dad, she might not like the poetry or foot massages, but at least you're getting the rubbing out of it."
"And that's all you're getting out of it - because this is all that I need - Cobalt Lads Tubby Custard. Thanks to King Kongs squeezing I don't even have to buy you a drink! Let alone that foreplay nonsense" said GG, withdrawing a sodden hand from the aforementioned shorts.
"Aw, come on mum, dinna be cla''y. You're no' jist gonna shove yer hand.."
"No, of course I'm not - I came prepared with this.." and so saying GG produced a very large Stainless Steel syringe like object from behind her back - in much the same way as you would find in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
"A Turkey baster!" deduces Harbi, who had arrived at their sides.
"No - this is the deluxe version - The Turkey Master Baster!" with which GG began to transfer the fluid from her sodden fingers into the baster, ready for the insemination process.
"Stop her - this is getting indecent." shouted several bystanders at the same time. "I'm just hoping that GG wasn't an old member of the club that everybody's forgotten about - 'cos she'll not be happy when she reads of her treatment at our hands," said Harbi.
"But we can't stop her - I'll die" said Numf in morbid fascination at the turn of events, and what he was about to see his mother doing. Well, at least it was his mother in her prime, and not 20 years older that he was, and she hadn't raised him after all.... But even so yeeeeuggghhh!
"I don't care - I think you're jist a big Jessie anyway. I've heard that you have sugar on your porridge." And with that Harbinger smote GG most severely, yay verily unto Biblical proportions, massive breasts a-heaving.
And there was much rejoicing.
"Wait a minute, what's that about me puttin' sugar on ma porridge? And how come I'm still alive?" said Numf.
"Sonny says so, and he should know, he's your brother after all. Or is he now? Was GG lying all along, or is there another answer?" Harbi said, trying to lead Numf away from the damaging allegations relating to his porridge eating methods.
"That'll no' work. Ah'll have you know that the only thing ah put on ma porridge is Drambuie."
"There's a coincidence Numf" said Harbi, " I call my hubby Drambuie."
"Really, and why's that?"
"Don't tell me you've never heard this one before.....'cos he's a fancy liquor." the multitudes fell about laughing.
"I don't get it" said Numf. "Anyway, I have a great idea for a book. How about this:-
I will not eat Green Ham & Eggs, I will not eat them Sam I....oh bugger, that's not right!"
And so saying, Harbi and Numf trudged off into the sunset to give someone else a turn in the spotlight.
Left behind, Cobie was heard to mutter to himself ,” So, is he my son or not?”
Posted by Numf El on :
Sitting some way from the main action, Numf and Harbinger surveyed the scene.
“So, are we going to sit this out then?” asked Harbi. “After all we did say that we’d let someone else have their turn in the spotlight.” “The hell we are!” said Numf, turning all John Wayne for a second. “Okay, but why not?” “’Cos nae bugger’s reading it anyway. I seem to have killed off the franchise, ‘cos last time I looked no-body had added anything since my last post. So we might as well have a bit of fun - at least until we get caught,” opined Numf. “That’s not a very mature response to the situation, Numf, is it?” “And your whiny assed point is?”
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, what do you want to do?” asked Harbi. “Go home.” “Why? Don’t you have the cohonnneth, cojonnies, cohingies, damn it, balls to stay and fight alongside the rest of the team?” “Well,” said Numf “I thought it would be the best place to start looking into the life and loves of a She-Devil - namely Golden Girl, aka mum. And since she has been well and truly smote by someone who shall remain nameless we can’t exactly pick her brains. We could pick up her brains maybe and keep them in a jar, but that won’t help.” “So you want to go back across the Atlantic to Scotland?” “What do you mean “back across the Atlantic”? I thought we were in Surrey.” “You know something Numf, I’ve got smarter hemmorrhoids than you.” “Bitch.” “Damn right, and I’m good at it too.” “So how come we’re in America, and where precisely are we?” “Well, Numf, it’s like this. There’s lots of members of Legionworld, right?” “Right” agreed Numf. “Do me a favour Numf, just nod, it’ll be quicker to type.” “Okay. Bugger…”nod. “And even when you take into account all the alter egos there must still be at least a dozen members resident in the good old U.S. of A.” Nod. “One Argentinian.” Nod. “One New Zealander.” Nod. “You, me, Sonnie, some Welsh geezer Bevis and Estimate Lad in the UK.” Nod. “So they outnumber the rest of the world approximately 2 - 1, so we go and play over there,” concluded Harbi. “And here was me thinking that it was due to the vast plains that could be decimated in our intergalactic fights without the danger of any collateral damage. So, whereabouts are we anyway?”
Posted by Numf El on :
“I believe that we’re in Kansas at the moment. And that’s the border over there. With Texas,” revealed our geographically astute Harbinger. “That Charlene Spitoongs well sexy.” “My comment about hemmorrhoids still stands you know Numf.” “Aye Harbi - if I had a dose of the Famer Giles I’d be standing too.” “So, if we cross that road I’ll be able to say “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore,”” joked Harbinger in her best Judie Garland voice. “U2, Whitesnake, Kiss,” retorted Numf. “What are you naming rock bands for?” asked Harbi all confused. “Sorry, you started it - I thought it was a game or something,” replied Numfy, expertly ducking the hand swiping playfully towards the back of his head, missing, however, the knee aimed at his knackers. “So, Numf, are you going to pick yourself up and go get Sonnie and head over to Scotland?” “Well, Sonnie’s just had a holiday in Thailand - I really don’t think he’ll want to go across to freezin’ cold Scotland. And I’ve got a slight fiscal problem. My giro’s not due until tomorrow, lend us £1400 for my plane fares,” replied Numf, rising to his feet tentatively. “Don’t be silly, just use your Legion Flight Ring.” “Bugger, in that case lend us £1400 to buy booze from the duty free shop at Glasgow airport.” “Give me one good reason why I should.” “I promise to bring you back some rowies,” swore Numf. “Make them Aitkens and you’ve got a deal.”
Posted by Numf El on :
For those not in the know, a word of explanation.
The “rowie” is an Aberdonian baked comestible, made with flour, lard (or vegetable oil for a vegetarian option) and salt. I don’t know the exact quantities, but it’s probably about equal parts of each. Roughly the size of a CD. It is eaten in a number of ways - normally with butter. Jam (or jelly as it is known west of the big pond), cheese, peanut butter etc. can be added to your own personal taste. As with most baked goods it is at its most appetising whilst still warm.
There is absolutely no haggis in it - well, not much. About three.
The best rowies are those produced by Aitkens Bakeries and Thains Bakeries (depending on your taste). They are also known in Aberdeen as “butteries” or occasionally just “rolls”. Nowhere south of Stonehaven do they produce anything remotely approaching an acceptable rowie, although you may chance upon much breadier versions as far afield as Glasgow. Not to be confused with the real thing.
A native Aberdonian (or on occasion a non-native resident) can live from day to day without his/her rowies. However, take the Aberdonian away from Aberdeen and Aitkens rowies become like the Holy Grail, or Ambrosia - the food of the Gods.
The reason for this explanation may be found later on in this narrative. But I sprockin’ doubt it.
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, how do I activate this Flight Ring? Flap my arms?” “You got it, Numf - that’s exactly right.”
Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Quaalude *
Eddie Tor has returned from his trip to the intergalactic rest-room and is talking to his staff, Trixie, and several gnomes, let's listen in.
"Ummm... uhhh... Listen youse guys, I don't know wot kinda nuttyness ben goin on in dis here story, like, whilst I went ta da can. But we gotta git dis Numfpbie guy under 'n exclusibe contact, like quicks. His crap ain't crap like da rest o' da crap. His crap is good crap."
Trixie shuffles her papers and smiles as Eddie Expounds on the direction the story took during her unplanned editorial tenure. But she is completely unready for his next statement.
"Trixie, I wants ya ta goe ta Scotland, which I tink is somewhere east o' Iceland an nort o' Whales but not as far west as Amsterdammit, but dis guy might go dere too. Jes do whatevers ya gots ta ta git him signed up permenent like.
* Quaalude Wears Off *
Posted by Numf El on :
------Inter-quaalude----
Cheers Abin Quank - much appreciated.
------Inter-quaalude wears off------
Posted by Numf El on :
Half an hour later, as Numf ran around flapping his arms like a demented chicken, everyone sat around and laughed at him. Against their better natures, Harbinger had persuaded them not to tell Numf that he was going about it all wrong. A few even added their own advice, running up and down flapping their own arms to show Numf where he was going wrong.
The alien hoardes had been vanquished by the use of brute force and bloody-mindedness, the camera crews had had their cameras shoved somewhere much more interesting, and the “poor white trash” had been returned to their trailer parks to drink beer in their vests and watch soap operas.
Cobalt Lad sidled up to Harbinger and spoke sotto voce. “Does Numf realise that there isn’t actually a border between Texas and Kansas, and that you just used it for comedic effect?” “I really wasn’t joking about my hemmorrhoid, Cobie.Well, apart from the fact that I don’t actually have any. I trust that was why you were staring so intently at my skin-tight-lycra covered arse.” “So, what do you think the chances are of him actually being my son Harbi,” replied Cobie, neatly avoiding the charge of staring at Harbis rather luscious arse. “Only, the Child Support Agency have been hassling me non-stop for the past 52 minutes, since the revelation was made. And they’re saying that I’m owe 39 years worth of back payment.”
Posted by Numf El on :
“Does anybody want to join Numf and I on a small trip across to Scotland to try to uncover the horrible origins behind Golden Girl, and just exactly why she should have it in for Cobalt Lad?” asked Harbi. “What do you mean “Numf and I”? I was planning on going by myself, “ gasped Numfy incredulously. “And you think I’m going to trust you to spend all my money on booze and then have the braincells left to pick up some rowies on the way back?” retorted Harbi, hands on hips, staring down at poor Numf in a manner which brooked no argument. Having picked up on the fact that Numf & Harbi did not much more than argue with each other, and slag each other off, unsurprisingly there were no takers. Being either a gooseberry or else a sandwich filler to their arguments was not something that many would willingly choose. There may have been more takers if the offer had just been as a sandwich filling between Numf & Harbinger. Or then again there may not.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Re-Inter-Quaalude *
Just try not to have too good a time in Amsterdam with Trixie!!
Cause Da binger will Rat You Out if you do.
* Re-Inter-Quaalude Wears Off*
[ November 28, 2003, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
I'm quite enjoying this little exchange of dialogue . Keep it comin Numf! Chuck and I have needed someone else to come in and give us a bit of a break!
*end interlude*
Posted by Numf El on :
You know it.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Cause Numfie really deserves top billing for his latest arc. Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
Go Numphster!
Rowies in a tag team thread!!! Cooler than... Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Eddie Tor’s Notes an’ Stuff *
“Look kid, I don’ts know how ta break dis to ya, buts ya gotsta steps it up in yer writin. I means da jokes gotsta be funnier an’ da visuals ya leaves ‘em wit needs ta be being more spectaculr. Dat’s if ya wants ta keep yer position in dis writin rotator. Rite now you is nummer 5 in a 4 writer rotator, an’ unless ya wants ta devote yer full time (Shudder) ta serious stuff ya better git it in gear, if ya knows wot I mean, like.”
Ummm… look you guys, I’m gonna get on with the story in a moment, but I wanted to let you know what kind of pressure I’m working under here. I mean ever since Numf first posted a story segment… way back on page (Look up page before posting… AND… don’t forget this time) Both Cobie and I knew we were in trouble. I mean he actually knows what Haggis is, while we, (and most diners in Scottish Restaurants), just have to guess. It’s just not fair.
(Wild jump to real topic follows )
So I’m asking you, our loyal readers, to post your nominations for the funniest segment of this story… in the “2003 Legion World Bad Comedy Awards Thread” Just maybe, If we get enough responses, we can talk Cobie into MCing an awards show…
Posted by Numf El on :
Having finally mastered the art of “standing with your fist in the air like a prick and thinking FLY YOU BASTARD”, Numfy tried hard to keep up with Harbinger as they went supersonic across the vast expanse of wet known as the Atlantic.
Unbeknownst (great word, don’t you think?) to them, they were being followed by an alien vessel.
That’s right, it was an invisible Imperial TIE fighter. Bearing down on them at well nigh , um, more than supersonic speed.
Piloted by none other than a sideways
C8<]
“By Gum I woke up with a crick in my neck this morning. Just wait a minute - I feel a strange emanation from the pair up ahead. The Force surely can’t have manifested itself on this backwards planetoid. I will have to kill them both. And then I can get on with practising the husky voice for the laydeez.”
So saying , he mentally trained his cross sights on our intrepid pair.........
And I’ll bet that Lucas won’t explain all this in Part 3. Bastard.
Posted by Numf El on :
Thankfully not all was lost, as Eddie, the master of the Space Time Continuum, played his trump card.
As if from no-where, travelling at slightly more than more than supersonic speed,appeared.... No, not Roadrunner - the Star Ship Enterprise. “Scotty, what the fetid dingoes kidneys was that?” asked JT Kirk, captain no less of the badly drawn Enterprise.
“Dinna ask me - it’s as if we’ve been ripped out of our own time, thrust through eddies in the Space Time continuum and end up on , let me see, is this no’ Earth?” hypothesised Chief Engineer Scott.
“Illogical Captain, but it appears quite correct” interjected some pointy eared soul-less bloke.
“Chuffin’ great Captain, can we stop aff at a wee bakery that I know in Aiberdeen and get a shit-load of rowies. They’re Ace, man, ahm tellin’ ye,” begged Scotty.
“I’ve heard of them. 21st century comestibles, 500 calories a piece and taste like manna from heaven? Lard, salt and flour in equal proportions, baked until golden brown, and then rubbed in Claudia Schiffers pussy.” recalled Kirk.
“Yes, Cap’n, they really are that good,” enthused Scotty.
“Good man Scotty, point the way. “What the buggeration was that - it felt like we hit something”
“I see a splash in the ocean below, we’d better turn round and pick up any survivors, Captain” spake the logical one.
“Awa’ and stick yer heid up yer spotty airse man - if we hurry we can get to the Aitkens bakery while the rowies are still waarm”objected the chief engineer.
“Very valid point Mr Scott - ahead warp factor 9.”
"Captain, I've just heard a communication from the invisible vessel that has just splashed down" interrupted a rather gorgeous afro-american female with a loo-roll sticking out of her ear.
"Go ahead Lieutenant."
"It simply went "Numf, join me and together we can rule the galaxy as father and s...." and then there were just gurgles."
"Whatever. Where are these rowies then Mr. Scott?"
[ November 29, 2003, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Numf El ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Meanwhile, while Numf-El and Harbinger searched for the Origins of Golden Girl, and Dusty Baker and Rody the Super Rat had their own adventure back in time with the planet Pluto, the LMBP learned in horror that the universe was still under attack!
The Time Mouse Trapper had moved the Cogaaad, the giant consortium of gaint ants from a yellow sun to under a red sun, which suddenly gave them the power of one hundred Daxamites! Further, this increase of power drove them all temporarily mad, allowing the Time Mouse Trapper to use them as his army, to destroy the universe!
While his time disturbances had been countered by Doctor One and Invisible Brainiac, this new plan of the TMT appeared to be the doom of the LMBP...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
One of the Giant Ants did not succumb to maddness, for he was a brillant scientist, P'ym H'enry, who also weilded great power! For he was a giant ant who was able to shrink down the size of a normal man, and communicate with men too! Naming himself Ant-Man, P'ym had sent a communication to the LMBP to Outdoor Miner, a fellow alien, giving him the secrets of the Time Mouse Trapper so that he could be defeated! Outdoor Miner, however, had been drinking since page two, and was hammered and unable to comprehend what was happening...
Ant-Man knew that things were rough. As an honorary LMBer (in an untold story), he knew that once the LMBP learned of the Time Mouse Trapper's plan they might still not be able to defeat him. Shrinking down to man-size, he secretly travelled to the Villa du science, an istitute that he had built in a remote section of the galaxy. He quickly turned his cannon on, and aimed it at the red sun...
Suddenly, a hoard of the Cogaaad ants burst into his labrotory and swarmed around him! Ant-Man activated the cannon, but the ants proved to much for him! Attacked by his own kind, Ant-Man fell to the ground, mercilessly torn apart. He looked up at the red sun. "By all that's holy in this world, I die here today, but I know that I die a hero..." And with that, the LMBPer known as Ant-Man died...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Outdoor Miner had long since switched to bourbon and could no longer form coherent sentences. Yet, his tolerance was strong enough where his senses picked up a voice in his head that wouldn't shut up. It kept repeating the same coordinates over and over again. He felt like his head was pounding, like he would throw-up...
Suddenly Semi walked over to him, noticing that his friend was ill. "Miner, what is it?!" Vee ran over too, catching him as he fell. "Ant-Man?" said the bug. "Time...mouse...tr-trapper...? what is happening...?" Vee looked at Semi, as the two carried him to a bed. "No!" said the bug suddenly! "It's the Time Mouse Trapper!" "We know," replied Semi, "His time disturbances were just stopped" "No, giant ants, super-strong...we must do something..." ---------------------
Semi and Vee knew what to do immediately, as they turned their LMBP rings to a code red! Crusader, at the LMBP outpost recieved his call via Semi himself, as the Tranparent Fellow told him how his psionic powers may come in handy. Even from the outpost, Crusader was able to reach into Outdoor Miner's mind, and pull out the information. He gasped in horror at the knowledge that the giant ant army was wreaking havoc on the universe.
Vee turned to the monitor to see Cobalt Kid. "Still no word on Eryk Davis Ester or Dusty and Rody. But we have bad news, your alarm was too late. The army has attacked the universe. Crujectra is sending out teams now to counter the attacks. What a way to end her reign."
"No," said Vee. "Not too late. Miner has some information that might be helpful..."
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Princess Crujectra assumed command as she always did, with tenacity and a clear thinking mind. From the LMBP headquarters, she and Doctor One watched on as the LMBPers went out in teams to help stop the ant invasion. She knew that Cobalt and Lash were taking care of assembling the team to use Miner's information, but in the meantime the universe needed to be protected from the super-powerful Cogaaad who were eating and destroying everything in their path.
Lard Lad and Hummer Lass travelled to the planet of the Hootchie Hut to fend off attacks there. Lardy's Lard-force was potent enough to work well there.
Faraway Lad was useful on the front lines, with the ability to send large droves of Ants faraway, presumbly to a place where they wouldn't be under a red sun. With him, he had Arachne and Fat Cramer watching his back.
Dev-Em and Kara, already out in space, helped fend off attacks on their side of the universe, and since both were invulnerable, they'd be a good combo in that they didn't have to worry about the other.
Shark Lad, Greybird Boy and Space Ranger planned to make a trident-like attack through the thickness of the Cogaaad army, attempting to disrupt the unity of their minds, which seemed to be important. Secretly with them was Crusader, who hoped to use his telepathy to stop this unity, and Vee and Semi, who could hide Crusader from the Giant Ants
Emerald Empress and Abin Quank, two big guns, made their own way through the army, fending off attacks on Klorndy.
Everywhere, LMBPers tried to stop the maddness as the Giant Ant army attacked the entire universe. Somewhere, the Time Mouse Trapper was laughing...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Cobalt Kid assembled his squad in the espionage room, although a sense of doom weighed down on them. This appeared to be a suicide mission.
With him was Lash, Super Lad Kid, Marvin of the Brood, Homecoming Queen, Poverty Lad, Icefyre, Outdoor Miner (who had to be sobered up by Faraway, who made his drunkeness go faraway), and puppy Stu (who was still a mage in his own right, although now a puppy). Super Lad Kid wondered why he was a part of this mission, although Cobalt had faith in him. Icefyre flirted with Lash, although to be honest, he was worried about Lash, since there was a rumor that the Time Mouse Trapper had an interest in him. Homecoming Queen let out a nervous titter, as Outdoor Miner relayed the information to them. "Ant-Man gave me the coordinates we need to find the Time Mouse Trapper. But our big-guns are needed to stop the invasion of the ants. It's now up to us. May the great Bug-god gsidndi help us". "That's it?" said Marvin, a bit surprised. "No" replied Cobalt, "there's a bit more to it..."
------------------
All over other LMBPers and super-heroes joined the fight. Kid Therod, Kid Psychout and Seahorse joined the LMBP in the ongoing fight near Xanthu. Beagle Boy, Alternate Boy and Dedman helped fend off attacks on Legion World itself, which was now under attack. All over, old heroes and new joined in against the universe spanding threat. But still it seemed to be overwhelming...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
There was more to the plan. Kid Prime and Captain Lightbulb secretly rejoined the rest of the Light Brigade on their home base. Nobody and Flasher greeted them with a hug, while Antler Lass showed off those buxom breasts. Captain Lightbulb had a plan though, although this time it wasn't his. He told the Light Brigade, what they had to do: a virtual suicide mission into the labratory of Ant-Man, fending off the Giant Ants of the Cogaaad. From there, they had to work the cannon that had already been activated by the dying LMBPer, and fire it into the sun, changing the color of the sun from Red to Yellow, thereby depowering the Ants.
However, this was the largest cluster of the Cogaaad that they knew of. It was by far a suciude mission, and it didn't look like any would make it. "I cannot ask you to risk your lives so. Only volunteers step forward, and no one will think less of you." Everyone stepped forward (except Dormant Damsel of course). Kid Prime smiled. "Very well" said Captain Lightbulb! "Let this be known as the Charge of the Light Brigade!"
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Outdoor Miner looked at his motley crew of LMBPers and saw despair in their eyes. How could they defeat one as powerful as the Time Mouse Trapper? Granted, Stu, Cobalt and Icefyre were powerful, but even they couldn't do much against the Time-powered rodent tyrant. Still, he knew what had to be done. Cobalt nodded. Outdoor Miner teleported them to Ant-Man's coordinates. When they reappeared, they saw a smiling Time Mouse Trapper, his grin widening..
--------- Doctor One informed Crujectra of Cobalt's team leaving. She looked down for a brief second and said a quick prayer.
----------
As the soul of Ant-Man passed into the unknown, another LMBPer became aware of the trouble. She helped guide the soul through the light, and then turned back to the world of the living. She was the LMBP Spectre, and she was the most powerful of her peers. An LMBer had died. And his soul cried out for vengeance...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
The LMBPers teleported to the coordinates of the Time Mouse Trapper, via Ant-Man, who in his dying breaths figured out how to cross the time/space continium to the end of time. He stood there grinning, his rodent face covered by a purple cloak.
Immediately, he blasted back Outdoor Miner, knocking him to the ground. Cobalt Kid, Icefyre, Lash and Poverty Lad attacked him, using their various powers. Icefyre attempted to encase him with ice, Cobalt used his magnetism and Poverty Lad used his mighty martian strength to pound him. Flustered for a second, the Time Mouse Trapper blasted them all back to the ground. He smiled at Lash, "you I will save for last." Homecoming Queen and Super Lad Kid watched on as Marvin of the Brood leaped at the Time Mouse Trapper, only to be hurled to the side. The Time Mouse Trapper laughed as he blasted him fiercely, burning the Brood officers skin. "what can we do?" asked Super Lad Kid to Homecoming Queen, as the more powerful LMBers laid to the side. "We have to do something!" yelled Amber as she leaped at the Time Mouse Trapper as Lash wrapped his rope around him! Amber fought bravely, trying to take the Time Mouse Trapper off his feet, but the cloaked figure was too strong. He blasted her back, his power to potent to be categorized. He burned Lash's rope with a touch. He turned to Super Lad Kid and Lash now with a smile.
"WAIT!" echoed a voice suddenly. The Time Mouse Trapper turned, and his smile slowly drifted away. The LMBP Spectre, the spirit of Vengeance now stood facing him.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
The LMBP Spectre and the Time Mouse Trapper stood face to face, as Lash Lad and Super lad Kid looked on. The grappled across planes and dimensions, through ideas and brief notions, in ways that no one could understand. The other LMBPers looked up from their knees as the two powers grappled.
--------------
At the labratory of Ant-Man, the Light Bridage made their charge. Pushing through the ants, Antler Lass and Robot Woman made up the first front, allowing the others to go through! The rest moved on, as the Flasher and Nobody allowed Kid Prime and Captain Lightbulb enough room to get through!
Captain Lightbulb saw the cannon, but was suddenly nailed by ants everywhere! Kid Prime now saw that he was the last hope for the universe...
...slowly making his way to the cannon, he fended off attack after attack. Still, he would not fall. Finally, reaching the cannon, Kid Prime pointed it at the sun, and blasted.
He blasted and blasted as best he could, not falling once. Into the sun it hit, and the reaction soon followed...
...the sun turned from red to yellow, and slowly the Ants began to loose all of their super-power. Their heads too began to clear up, as the yellow sun drained their energy reserves.
Kid Prime fell, as Captain Lightbulb scooped him up, and the Light Brigade regrouped!
---------- All across the universe, the Giant Ants lost their power. The LMBP began mopping them up, although most were not hostile once they regained their senses. Abin Quank and the Emerald Empress held them in status while waiting for orders.
"But what about the crew that went to fight the Time Mouse Trapper?" asked Lard Lad over the intercom.
"Still no word" replied a solemn Doctor One
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
The LMBP Spectre fought against the Time Mouse Trapper as the fate of the universe hung in the balance. She fought bravely, and thoughts of her life flashed before her eyes. She had long ago made peace with what she was, a combination of three different people. She had taken the name Josephine, had developed a life outside of her existence of the spirit of Vengeance. She was head of the Museum for Fallen Heroes. She had a girlfriend named Jennifer. She enjoyed old movies. She was no longer a retconned entity that had no place in the world! She was a person! And she fought as hard as she could for the LMBP! (*thanks to the LMBP Spectre for the PM about this info !)
However, the battle raged on, and the Time Mouse Trapper's power seemed to begin winning. Time after all can outlast vengeance. Soon, the LMBP Spectre fell...
The LMBPers watched on in horror, as the LMBP Spectre reverted back to normal size and fell to the ground. Cobalt Kid caught her, laying her down. "Hang in there Jo..."
A de-powered Time Mouse Trapper flew back to where the LMBP where. He let out a loud laugh! "And now your most powerful have fallen! But I tire of this game!" he yelled, as he blasted Poverty Lad, Homecoming Queen, Icefyre and Marvin! "Now Lash Lad, it is you and I." "I don't know you want from me rodent, but your days are numbered" said Lash in defiance. "Numbered? I have all the time in the world" laughed the Time Mouse Trapper. "You did too once. You once had retcon powers. The power to change reality! Yet, you gave them up! You gave them all away! You could have controlled time! You could have controlled Reality! Everything!"
"Everything isn't what I want" replied Lash with a smile. "Smile all you like. You gave it all up. But in every reality you did not." Lash looked at him hard for a minute. "Do you begin to understand what I'm telling you?" smiled the Time Mouse Trapper.
Super Lad Kid watched on as the rest of the LMBP laid on the ground. He had been forgotten. The Time Mouse Trapper was weakened though, it was obvious. The Spectre had taken much of his power, and now was the only time they'd have to strike. Once, he questioned whether he had a place on this team. Now, he saw was a chance to prove himself wrong. His power wasn't much, and it was amost a bit dumb. But it was still his, and he was still an LMBer.
Using his power, Super Lad Kid replicated the smell of cheese in the air. He had direct contact with sun light earlier and had enough reserve energy left. He knew this would take a month off his life (using his power always did) and that he could never replicate the smell of cheese again. But he knew this might work.
As Lash and the Time Mouse Trapper spoke, the smell of cheese permeated in the air. Stu, as a puppy, suddenly reappeared after using his spell to hide himself for a time. He watched on as the Mouse part of the time mouse trapper reacted to the cheese. Stu, like SLK, understood the Time Mouse Trapper's greatest weakness was the mouse aspect of his being, that he could not control his urges. And as depowered as he was, there was no way to stop the mouse from controlling him now.
The Time Mouse Trapper reacted to the cheese, by turning his attention away from Lash searching for it! SLK smiled, seeing the Time Mouse Trapper succumb to a virtual Time Mouse Trap! Stu winked at SLK and let out his own wopper of a power, as his spell unleashed on the Time Mouse Trapper. He'd been saving it for himself to try and turn himself back into a human (from a puppy), but he'd gladly sacrifice that chance to stop the trapper! Using his spell, he suddenly zapped the Time Mouse Trapper and a cloud of purple smoke erupted!
When the smoke cleared, the Time Mouse Trapper was no more. He was two people now, too weak to counter the spell that tore him into two individuals. One, was a mouse, searching for cheese. The other was a human. And he looked like an older Lash.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Lash watched on in horror to see the Time Mouse Trapper was him. A weakened Trapper looked at him, in disbelief that he had been attacked. "N-now you see...what I was telling you..."
"Yes, I do see. So you are me. You're me in a different reality where I kept the reality altering powers. Pathetic. What a pathetic creature you've turned into. I bet you don't even listen to Lucinda Williams anymore." The Trapper looked at him in anger, and summoned his power. But surprisingly, it wasn't there.
Stu smiled on. "Looks like the time powers are stuck in the mouse part of you. And it just left the end of time looking for some cheese. Looks like you're all out of luck Trapper!" yelled the puppy as the Time-Mouse (sans Trapper) exited the end of time! "Now you have no power!"
Cobalt rose carrying the LMBP Spectre. Icefyre and Poverty Lad helped up Super Lad Kid who was weak from using his power. "Nice job Kid" said Pov, as Icefyre added "we knew you had it in you!" "So did I, I guess" smiled SLK.
Homecoming Queen looked at the Trapper. "This is an alternate version of you?! How icky! You're not a good version of Lash, did you know that?" The LMBP laughed as the Trapper looked at them in anger. "You're finished Trapper" said Lash. "All this time you've hated us, and for no reason. Beacause in this reality I had the sense not to keep my reality-altering powers? That's weak. But don't worry, you'll have all the time in the world to think about it"
"No!" yelled the Trapper. "Oh yes" said Stu. "Have fun at the end of time. I'd say we'd call, but...you know how it is." "Consider it a gift from the universe after the Cogaaad fiasco" said Miner. "Yeah, in other words, toodles!" said Pov, who always gets the best lines...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Outdoor Miner teleported them back to Legion World, where Crujectra and Doctor One rejoiced to see them. The Time Mouse Trapper was no more, as the Time Mouse searched time for cheese and the Trapper was left powerless at the end of time.
SLK and the LMBP Spectre were looked after by Doctor One, both weak, although they would easily get better. Jo didn't need the rest in all actuality, but they told her she deserved it.
The Giant Ants were all rounded up, and given their own planet of underground hills. Here, they promised to mine for minerals and give them back to the universe, in payment for all the harm they caused. It wasn't there fault, they were controlled, but they wanted to make amends anyway.
A statue of Ant-Man, an honorary LMBer, was ereced in the Hall of Fallen Heroes, as the LMBP honored their lost friend.
The Light Brigade and Kid Prime rejoined their LMB friends and were honored for what they'd done. Forever, the legend of the "Charge of the Light Brigade" would be known.
There were still questions concerning Eyrk Davis Ester's whereabouts, Numf-El and Harbinger's quest for Golden Girl's origins and the time-lost Rody the Super Rat and Dusty Baker. But as Poverty Lad pointed out to Lash: "we have all the time in the world..." Ouch Pov. Posted by Numf El on :
-------Interlude--------
Great stuff Cobie. Thanks.
---------Interlude ends---------- Posted by Numf El on :
Back in time slightly on earth, travelling though the atmosphere at a ridiculous speed were Harbi and Numfy. “So, tell me Harbi – what the bloody hell is an r rating?” asked Numf, showing his ignorance once more. “It’s the American equivalent of a British 18. Why do you ask?” “It’s just that this is supposed to be an r rated piece of literature, and I think we’d be pushed to get a 15 at the moment. By the way, do you think that we need to explain 18s & 15s for our American readers?” “I think they can probably work them out all by themselves Numf. So, what about all the sex in the story?”asked Harbi. “Well it’s only been suggestive recently – wet stains and large metal devices that you can see on any farming show on a Sunday morning where they discuss Bovine Insemination. We suggested the process required, and then you intervened before we got our r rating by smiting GG.” “How about all those fights we’ve been having? All that violence? Surely that ranks an 18 certificate?” “Oh, come on – that’s all comic book stuff. Any kid could walk into a comic shop and buy much worse than that.” “What about the swearing?” “All we’ve had so far are a few buggers, one buggeration and a couple of fucks. And I think we’ve just doubled the tally with that last sentence. Even if I were to let fly a stream of real swearies, for example fuck, cunt, motherfucker, cocksucker, it might just earn a 15. We’d have to do a lot better than that to get an 18,” explained Numf. “And why are you so intent on maintaining our r rating?” “Well,” explained Numf, “ I would be well pissed off if I went in to the cinema to see an 18 and there was nothing in it to justify the severity of the certificate.” “So, Numf, what are you suggesting?” asked Harbinger tentatively. “Well, option one is for you to take all your clothes off, pour cream all over your heaving breasts…..” “That would be my magnificent heaving breasts would it ?” “Absolutely,” agreed Numf. “Licking your own nipples and inserting non-agricultural implements into your pulsating pussy while being buggered by a goat.” “And how fucking likely do you think that is?” asked Harbi. “Or….” Continued Numf. “Yes, I was hoping that you’d have one of those.” “Drugs.” “Amsterdam here we come.”
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, Numph – where do you suggest we start?” asked Harbinger as they stood on the picturesque bridge, watching tourist filled boats glide gracefully down the mirror flat canal. Bicycles streamed to and fro around them. The autumn air was sharp, and the pavements were alive with a multitude of earth-toned leaves, swirling peacefully in the breeze. The warming autumn sun dappled brightly through the semi-denuded branches, dancing light everywhere. “Well, I could just stay here for a while, soaking up the beauty and serenity.” “Don’t speak shite, you big jessie!” “Yeah, you’re right. To quote Finn - lets get fucking wasted!”
“Oh, why not, I need some inspiration for the next part of my story….”
Posted by Numf El on :
Trixie wandered aimlessly in the autumn sun, searching high and low for a sign of the heroic r rating fulfilling pair. What kind of heroes must they be to force themselves this low for their fellow mans reading enjoyment? Forcing themselves to indulge in the dens of iniquity for which this city was famous. Surely they must be heroes indeed.
But what did she know about them? Only what she had read on the website. She had no idea what they would look like, unless by sheer coincidence they looked anything like their avatars. Not a plan worth counting on.
What clues had been given away anywhere that would help our intrepid pixie to find our heroes in this strange city, on this strange continent where English wasn’t even their first language?
She had managed to ask directions to the Van Gogh museum, having eventually mastered the Dutch pronunciation, much to amusement of the natives. Gargling was something she did with mouthwash, not naturally whilst she was speaking. Knowing of Sonnie Blokes love of art, she had thought some might have rubbed off on his brother. No such luck – Numf thought more of Van Halen than Van Gogh.
“Where in tarnation can they be?” wondered Trixie aloud to herself.
“Hey you speak English – excuse me, can you tell us where the Pink Floyd Café is?” asked a tall (but then, when you’re only 4’11” tall, it’s kind of difficult for anyone else to not be tall), slim, not quite 40ish, oddly appealing passer by, with a damned sexy not quite English accent. Cogs started to grind, picking up speed. “Yeah, sure, I passed it two minutes ago. It’s about a hundred yards away down this road, and then first left. You can’t miss it.” Whirr, Trixies brain moved up a gear as she espied the passer-by’s companion. 6 feet and 3 inches of gorgeousness. Blonde flowing locks, a la Farrah Fawcett. And what a magnificent pair of eyes she had. To say nothing of the hooters. Now, they must have been what the phrase “magnificent hooters” had been coined for.
“Thanks a lot. Come on then B, lets go.”
The final piece fell into place. Trixie stared in disbelief, mouth agape, after them, as the pair wandered away. Trixie noticed the passer-by’s incredibly sexy ass. “Not only are they heroes, they’re so fucking sexy that I’ve just got to fuck them both! Preferably at the same time,” she said softly to herself. She started to move after them.
Posted by Numf El on :
Twenty yards away, Harbinger and Numf sat dishevelled in a puddle of their own making. Unable to move. Unable to speak. They had been there for three and a half days, sitting against the very bridge from which they had surveyed the beautiful scenery previously. They were in such a mess that even the local police hadn’t wanted to touch them, and had left them to their own devices. Somehow, for the first time in their lives, and probably the last, they were soooo stoned that they managed to converse telepathically. At least both of them would later swear to just exactly that.
Unfortunately for Trixie, her knowledge of British dialects went no further than The Beatles, Mick Jagger and the Queen – either Freddy or Elton, take your pick.
“I see that Irish couple have found where the Pink Floyd café is,” thought Numf at Harbi. “That’s the one place that I wanted to go to when we arrived here.” “Tough, I know you’re a big Roger Waters fan. Even though he’s got ugly teeth,” thought Harbi back. “But, we’ve been here for about three weeks, or at least that’s what it feels like. My arse is numb. I’m absolutely ravenous – and you need a shower. Let’s go and find somewhere to clean up and then we’ll get something to eat.”
Posted by Numf El on :
As they staggered into the doorway of the nearest hotel, the receptionist shouted at them “You’re not coming in here, you Germans with your coprophagous games!” (That’s worth an 18 certificate surely!) “We’re no’ Germans – we’re Scottish,” corrected Numfy. “Ah, right, and you’ve been on a 3 day bender and just want to rent a room for an hour to get all cleaned up,” guessed the receptionist. “That’s right, how did you know?” asked Numf. “Get the fuck out of my hotel you nasty, vile German bastards!” shouted the receptionist, throwing the phonebook at their heads. “Think you can invade our country twice and then come back and play your games here! Hah! My father was in the resistance I’ll have you know! And take your stinky clothes with you!”
Numf and Harbi retreated, humiliated, heads covered by their arms to protect them from flying objects. The local kids had thought this a game, and had joined in, laughing as they threw sticks and stones at our wayward heroes.
Finally they escaped their tormentors. Small though the kids may have been, enough of them had been highly accurate with their projectiles, leaving our heroes battered and bruised. “I have no intention of going through all that again,” exclaimed Harbi. “There’s only one thing for it – we can bathe in this ever so convenient and clean canal.” Harbi started to disrobe. “You know something Numf, I didn’t think you’d have the strength for one of those,” said Harbi, smirking as she glanced at Numf’s crotch. “Oh, um, you know” muttered Numf turning away, embarrassed.
Splash!!!
“Oh bugger, I suppose I’d better too,”said Numf.
Splash!!!
---------------
“It’s amazing how many tourists with cameras turned up as we were bathing, isn’t it Harbi.” “ I just couldn’t believe that Japanese running off with my thong. And before it had been washed as well! It’s just lucky that we managed to get the rest of our clothes back and washed in the canal.” “Well, now that we’re a bit cleaner Harbi, I suppose that we’d better get on with our quest,” Numf said. “Where to next then, Numf?” asked Harbi. “Back to Scotland. But I’m knackered, so lets catch a plane up to Glasgow. But, one last thing has to be said before we leave Amsterdam, Harbi.” “What?” “That’s an amazing talent you have there.” “Which one’s that you’re talking about?” asked Harbi, confused for a second. “Rolling a joint with those amazing tits of yours, and then sealing it with the moistness from your..” “Okay, that’s far enough – I think the readers can work out the rest. Bastard, you weren’t supposed to tell anyone. I thought the idea was to let them read about all our drug related expeditions in my story.” “Well, yeah, but I reckoned that you wouldn’t mention that bit.”
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Numf, I've been crying in laughter for the last half hour. This is the funniest story that I've ever read! Posted by Harbinger on :
********interlude********
I thought the cheeky monkey was in my story not writing this one!
Can't get the wee laughing mannie to pop up - shall I rephrase that? The graemlin thing isn't playing - shall I try that once again? bugger you know what I mean.
great stuff Numf!
Bxx
*interlude over, get on with it now will you!******
Posted by Numf El on :
----------INTERLUDE---------
Glad you appreciate it Cobie. I'm just wondering how long it'll be before I get a slap from the taste police. Or Harbi for that matter.
-------INTERLUDE END-------------
Posted by Harbinger on :
another interlude, sorry guys I'll write something here properly once my own story is done, promise!
quote:Originally posted by Numf El: . “Well, option one is for you to take all your clothes off, pour cream all over your heaving breasts…..” “That would be my magnificent heaving breasts would it ?” “Absolutely,” agreed Numf. “Licking your own nipples and inserting non-agricultural implements into your pulsating pussy while being buggered by a goat.” “And how fucking likely do you think that is?” asked Harbi. “Or….” Continued Numf. “Yes, I was hoping that you’d have one of those.” “Drugs.” “Amsterdam here we come.”
I haven't laughed so much since, well probably since Dierdre Barlow got knocked up. I am in tears with it!
You continue to excel Ken.
words fail me.
which is nice for you I'm shooor
back to the main event now
Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Quaalude *
Eddie Tor is sitting in his office when Trixie returns... Nude and Dripping Wet, but smiling hugely. In her left hand is clutched a signed contract. In her right hand is a very large plastic bag filled with... well you take a guess...
She slides herself onto one corner of Eddie's desk with a dreamy expression on her face...
"What a Toblerone! ..."
For once Eddie Is Speechless...
* Quaalude wears off.... *
Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Second Quaalude *
Eddie's face is very expressive and often as colorful as his voice.
Right now it's color is crimson.
"Lemme git dis straight... Youse found dese two scotch types... follered dem ta dere hotel... jumped inna sack wit bot'o' dem... Got yerself screwed, blued, an tattoed, den got dem to sign da contract rite?"
"Lemme jes ax one more ting... Didja look at da contract after dey sighned it???"
"Jeasus, I sends ya out ta sig dis Numphfbe guy... an you come back drippin stuff on my carpet... Wasted, an carryin... and wit a contract signed by Roger Moore an' Samantha Fox????
* Second Quaalude wears off... *
[ December 04, 2003, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
quote:Originally posted by Numf El: ----------INTERLUDE--------- I'm just wondering how long it'll be before I get a slap from the taste police. Or Harbi for that matter. -------INTERLUDE END-------------
Numf, I don't think you have to worry about the taste police... But I'm sending you the doctor's bill from when I fell off my chair laughing...
ROTFLMAO
Posted by Numf El on :
“Question for you, Harbi –Who’s blonde, has big tits and lives up a mountain in Sweden?” “No idea Numf. Heidi? The blonde one from ABBA?” “Nope. Saddam Hussein!” ----------------
As they walked through Glasgow Airport, Numf spied a National Enquirer on display at a newspaper vendor. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen.” “What do you mean Numf?” asked Harbi, looking around for something to have illicited Numfs outburst. “Look at that National Enquirer Celebrity Shags Special headline. Roger Moore, Sam Fox, mystery Pixie and Dolly the sheep caught by secret camera in Amsterdam brothel.” “Yeah, I know, imagine Roger…” Numf interrupted. “Roger, nothing. Dolly the sheep was our school mascot. The first ever officially cloned animal. She’s in the Guinness Book Of Records. And now she’s reduced to being just another Bond girl.” He looked as distraught as Harbi had ever seen him. His childhood hero brought low. She hugged him tight to her magnificent breast. If only she had known that this was what he’d been after all along. Certainly cheered him up though. “Ah, fuck it – let’s buy a copy and have a peek at the pictures, will we Harbi?” Two minutes later the pair were rolling around the floor LTAO.
“Hey, look Harbi, you can buy the video from those European porn suppliers, PRIVATE.”
-------------------------------------------------- 5000 miles away a certain young and very impressionable pixie was reading the same article, hidden away in a broom closet by herself.
“Bastard. I thought he said it was for HIS private collection.”
Posted by Numf El on :
Walking along Sauchiehall Street as twilight fell, Harbi & Numf soaked in the distinctive Glaswegian atmosphere. “You know something Harbi, I reckon that this is one of the best cities on earth.” “What makes you say that? It’s nothing compared to, say, Paris, New York, even London.” “It’s not so much the buildings and architecture – although the occasional Rennie-MacIntosh does stand out. No, it’s the people. The atmosphere. The adrenaline. It’s electric.” “What, you mean the fear that someone’s going to mug you any second, or else call you a Fennian Basturt, or a Fat Orange Cunt at the drop of a (possibly bowler) hat.” “Wasn’t quite what I meant, Harbi. And anyway, isn’t that a particularly stereotypical view of the common or garden variety of Weegie?” “Is it? Well, what did you mean then?” “Well, where else would you find an archbishop puking at a taxi rank? Look over there,” Numf pointed over at the aforementioned taxi rank.
+-<187@====
“Yeah, okay. I just about get your point Numf, and it’s certainly not often that you see a miniature elephant, Shelob and the Bride of Frankenstein walking up the street together neither.”
6\/) /\oo/\ ',',',',': )
“Tell me Numfy, you didn’t happen to find yourself a list of characters that you could draw using standard keyboard symbols, did you? And feel that you might look smart somehow by throwing in a few.” “Who, me?”
What they didn’t notice was a strange, black-attired man with a crick in his neck, wearing a gasmask, following them at a distance. Dripping water.
[ December 06, 2003, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Numf El ]
Posted by Numf El on :
“Hey, Gimp Boy! You should well stoap wi’ that smokin’ lark. It’s fair fuckin’ up yer breathin’ but,” shouted the young ned, leaning nonchalantly at the street corner, fair thinking he wis Airchie.
“ I will have you know, young man . . that I have walked for eight days . . . across the bottom of a very cold ocean . . . to seek my son. I am cold, wet and fair pissed off. . . . I will not let you stand in my way when he is so close. . . . And sometimes it is not the smoking . . . that fucks up your breathing . . . as you will find to your cost.”
And so saying Darth (for he it was) lifted the offender into the air by the throat using the Force, much to the amusement of the surrounding crowd. “That wee bugger stole ma purse last week, Big Man. Can ah kick him in the nuts an’ rifle his poackits?” “Hey, Big Yin, turn him upside doon an’ lets see whit fa’s oot.” “Ah ‘hink he stole ma wallet too.” “Hey, izzat no’ David Blain unner tha’ mask, but?” Our Sith Lord was not happy with the crowds flocking towards him for a keek at what was going on. However, fighting the urge to slay everybody within a ten yard radius, lest it attract his sons attention, he instead fled (well, used big strides and flapped his cape impressively) down a side street away from the baying pack.
Young Ned fell in a crumpled heap on the ground, picked himself up, and ran like fuck.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Excuse me, could y’all tell me the best way to get to Loch Ness?” asked the rather obvious American tourist. “Certainly, just go over to that taxi rank and catch a taxi. Oh, and watch out for the puking priest,” replied Numf. “Is that a public house?” enquired the rotund butt of this chapters humour. “Umm, no – it’s the puking priest over there at the taxi rank….” “Oh my, that’s a sight you don’t see very often. It certainly adds to the quaint atmosphere….Tell me, is it far to Loch Ness, only I’ve heard that there have been recent sightings of the monster, and I’m dying to take lots of photos.” “That’ll be SALLy out swimming backstroke again,” added Harbi under her breath. “Well, we’re planning on heading up there ourselves very soon, and I reckon that it’ll take us about 10 minutes. “ Now, I’m sure that if you ask the Tube (that’s a special Glaswegian name for a taxi-driver, and will show him that you respect his calling to provide cheap public transport) nicely he’ll be able to find a spot in a wee glen where you can watch wild haggis frolic and play – I’m sure he’ll stop there for a good half hour free of charge if you offer to shine his bobbys helmet for him. If he’s not wearing his regulation hat it’ll be because it’s tarnished and he’s too embarrassed to wear it. I’m sure he’ll appreciate the help to give it a right good shine. “And it’s not far out of the way to see Edinburgh Castle either, so you might wish to ask him to drive past there first,” added Numf. “Why, thank you for the kind advice young man. I’ll go and give it a try.” And so saying our camera swinging, baseball cap wearing, gullible tourist departed, heading over towards the taxi rank.
“Numfy – for a hero you can be a right bastard sometimes,” said Harbinger. “I thought you said it was just 10 minutes. It must be at least 200 miles if they take the detour to Edinburgh.” “No, I said it was 10 minutes for us – ‘cos we’ve got the Legion Flight Rings,” replied Numf with a smug grin on his face. “And as for suggesting that he offers the taxi-driver a wank after calling him a tube…..” “Well, maybe you think I’m being a bastard, but I’m sure SALLy’ll appreciate it.”
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, Numf, getting back to the plot for a second, why do you want to go up to Loch Ness?” enquired Harbinger, getting all serious for a second. “What, you mean apart from the chance to see SALLy doing the backstroke? Well, I think its location is a clue. You see Loch Ness is in the biggest of the glens, Glen Mor, also known as the Great Glen, which stretches south east from Inverness to somewhere around the Fort William area.” “And……” pried Harbi. “Well, Great Glen – initials GG. Golden Girl – initials GG. Coincidence? I don’t think so.” “Listen, I’m going to just pop into Bill Hills and see what kind of odds you can get on that. Maybe put a fiver on it while I’m there, what do you think? Numfy, you’re a sad fucker you know. Is that the fucking best that we’ve got to go on?” Harbi had lost it. A screaming fit commences, and with lungs like Harbi it’s amazing the amount of scream that you can get. Head back, big breath (I said “breath” there..) and scream. And scream……………. “Well, have you got anything better?” Numf was worried – he had thought his plan of action had been pretty good, but Harbi obviously wasn’t having any of it. The last time that Numf had seen Harbi go apeshit she’d taken it as a personal afront that no-one had gotten around to straightening the Camponile at Pisa, so had done the job herself. “Because if you were expecting me to do all the thinking then you’re as stupid as I am.”
Posted by Numf El on :
quote:Originally posted by Space Ranger: Numf, I don't think you have to worry about the taste police... But I'm sending you the doctor's bill from when I fell off my chair laughing...
ROTFLMAO
[/QB]
Cheers Spacey - makes it all worthwhile.
Numf.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Numfie, you bastard that may have been the funniest thing I've ever read.
Where can I get a copy of that video?
And never... ever... ask a scottish super-hero for directions...
ROTFLMAO
[ December 07, 2003, 04:30 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
I should start by warning all of my loyal readers (both of you) that I am multi-tasking as I record this latest chapter in the adventures of Dusty and Rody in the 20th century.
Not only am I transcribing the reports of our heroes adventures (sent to me telepathically by Shea [pronounced: She] the Super Flea, who is Rody’s version of Robin II) but I am also at the same time and simultaneously watching the video that Numfie was kind enough to send me. The one where Trixie, the extremely flexible Pixie, has mistakenly followed Roger Moore and Samantha Fox back to their hotel room where Dolly the sheep is waiting. Yea, that one!
I’m mentioning this only because it is entirely possible that at some time during my transcription of this adventure I may – entirely inadvertently you understand – insert the wrong dialogue into this record.
So, If you see any of the following dialogue at an odd point during this story:
“I’m as moist as a snackcake down there. ” “You want to put your Toblerone, Where? ” “Do you want to know what I think you can do with that trumpet? ” “Baa… Baa… Baaaaaaaaaaaa…” “Why, it looks just like a penis, only smaller.” “Don’t take it out, Just change the batteries.” “Look I understand about the pointy ears and stuff, but nobody can put their ankles there and still smile like that!” “Ohh Sheite… I’m a Gonna… OOPS…” “I can’t believe he/she/that goddam sheep ate the whole thing!”
I apologize, but I’m sure you’ll understand.
Now where did we leave off…
quote: originally posted by somebody else “Will you two PLEASE get your (w)hor(e)mones under control???”
SDMM and JC both look away in an em-bare-assed fashion as SALLy’s voice shatters their latest magical moment.
Unfortunately their em-bare-ass-ment doesn’t last long, as a strange voice begins speaking from the ouija board slider…
The above quote is unnecessarily long because… Well, just because… So There!
Now, when you consider just how uncommon talking Ouija Boards actually are, it should come as no surprise that Rody immediately bolted out of the room and hid on top of Spectacular Aqua Lungs Lass’s tank… Except for the fact that Rody was not scared by the Ouija Board’s sudden loquaciousness.
No, what terrified Rody was the arrival of another member of the JSMBP, Pagan Lass and (of course) her constant companion Stoopid Cat...
[ December 08, 2003, 06:09 AM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
This may be the time and place to say a few words about Pagan Lass and her constant companion, Stoopid Cat, or it may not be but I’m going to anyway.
quote: The definitive description of Pagan Lass comes from Mort Weisinger’s Private Diaries (note: this is the M.W. who wrote about half of the Penthouse Letters, not that other guy) "A daughter of the Ancient Druids... Versed in Whole Earth Magick... Tall, Red-Headed, Stacked and distains clothing in any form with the exception of a few well placed sprigs of mistletoe..."
Well, needless to say, Pagan Lass is the type of Super Heroine who leaves a lasting impression wherever she goes. She also is known to leave with large quantities of one dollar bills tucked under her sprigs of mistletoe, but that’s another story.
But, any discussion of Pagan Lass’s career as a super heroine must start and end with her association with Stoopid Cat. Before she met Stoopid Cat she was quite content with her established career as a barmaid in obscure Irish Pubs, and some part time dancing in Soho. After meeting Stoopid Cat…
Stoopid Cat is the single most powerful super pet ever. Stoopid Cat can do anything. Because Stoopid Cat is too goddamm dumb to know that he can’t do whatever it was he just did.
Stoopid Cat is really just an ordinary house cat that refuses to believe he’s just an ordinary house cat because he’s too stupid to understand that ordinary house cats do not whip Pit Bull’s asses, do not terrorize Doberman Pinschers, do not single handedly and all by themselves shred an entire 20’ by 20’ living room rug in a single day, and most importantly do not hang upside down from spiral staircases waiting for unsuspecting house guests to wander underneath so that he can pounce on their heads and…
Okay, gotta calm down now…
For those of you who are familiar with 1960’s counterculture comics, I’m sure you remember Fat Freddie’s Cat. Well Stoopid Cat could easily whip that wimps ass. Blok the rock? Instant Rocky Pebbles, forget the milk. Rody the Super Rat?
Well. That’s what the next story post is all about…
[ December 08, 2003, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
quote: “Look I understand about the pointy ears and stuff, but nobody can put their ankles there and still smile like that!”
Oops, sorry about that. But it’s such an amazing scene. I’ve watched it seven times and I still can’t believe that she can really do that. There’s got to be some trick photography involved.
Okay, back to the story, (I think).
And the Ouija board said, “Pluto has left it’s orbit and is moving into the interior of the solar system. It wants to take advantage of a free Disney World vacation it received in a telemarketing promotion. Because it’s just too gosh darn cold way out there, or something like that.”
Unfortunately, nobody was listening, because the sudden appearance of Pagan Lass and Stoopid Cat had somehow completely altered the dynamic of this entire story.
So instead of Super Duper Marvelous Man and Jessica Quickly sitting with the Ouija Board on their laps, their knees touching, their eyes locked lovingly on each other, their breath quickening, (and Spectacular Aqua Lungs lass getting ready to heave in her tank watching them) – while the Green Latrine’s painted on eyes fog over from the sheer soap opera quality of the scene, while Duck Bloggers of the cartoon universe and the Cloned Green Pig talked to Dusty and Rody.
Instead we find the Ouija Board on the floor, being totally ignored as it chatters away about the approaching danger of the planet Pluto wanting to vacation at Disney World.
Super Duper Marvelous Man, Dusty, Duck Bloggers, and the Green Latrine seated around a table drinking beers and watching Pagan Lass dance. Well, actually SDMM, Dusty, and Duck are drinking, right now, the Latrine will receive his later in a recycled form.
Jessica Quickly and SALLy are off in a corner, slowly turning green and discussing the fickle foibles of men in general and commenting on the obvious inadequacies of one particular female.
But away from all of that, a life and death drama is being played out, or if Stoopid Cat has his way, played with.
quote:
Originally posted by Trixie the extremely flexible Pixie.
Ummmm… *gum snap* Like this is like, Trixie, the extremely flexible Pixie speakin’ atcha. Like, everybody knows *gum snap* pigs and rats and cats don’t like *gum snap* talk human speech and stuff. *gum snap* but to make the hack writer’s job easier *gum snap* like we’re gonna all pretend they do. *gum snap* Okay? *gum snap* Like everybody had to believe real hard in fairies in that Disney movie? *gum snap* Okay? You just gotta believe that pigs and rats and cats really can talk! *gum snap* (and I gotta go see how my new video is sellin’)
Stoopid Cat’s tail began to twitch when his mistress carried him into JSMBP HQ. One whiff of the room’s air told him that the hunt was on. In other words, he immediately smelled a rat, specifically, Rody the Super Rat.
Now, quite unlike Stoopid Cat, Rody hasn’t survived as long as he has, by being stupid. The sight of Pagan Lass carrying a very large, and obviously very stupid, feline carnivore into the room triggered two basic rat survival tendencies. The first was the time to get the fuck out of here tendency, which immediately carried Rody to the smallest crevice in the room. The second was the call your toughest friend for help tendency. Unfortunately that second tendency was a total wash because his toughest friend, namely Blok the Rock, was a couple of centuries away (or was he? Perhaps time will tell).
One little known fact did work in Rody’s favor. The little known fact that animals (i.e. pigs and rats) which tend to be considered Lunch Prospects by other animals (i.e. humans, humanoid ducks, and cats) will tend to rally to each other’s defense.
Therefore, Thereby, and Forthwith, (specific language inserted in homage of a certain missing divorce lawyer, even though I have no idea what the hell any of it means) Stoopid Cat’s initial charge at Rody was blocked by Cloned Green Pig.
Now, as I stated earlier, pigs are very smart. (And if you didn’t read that story segment, just take my word for it, unless you want me to stick another phony quote box into this story.) So CGP used his Power Ringworm, which is located just under his tail but slightly above his arsehole, to generate a green energy wall between Stoopid Cat and his intended prey, Rody.
“Hold it right there, cat.”
‘What the fuck?”
“Whew, thanks CGP!”
“I’m as moist as a snackcake down there. ” (Umm… Oops, just ignore that one.)
Now the sight of green energy flashing out of a green pig’s ass and placing objects in one’s path, just might give some people (or cats) the idea that maybe they should stop and figure out what’s going on. Unfortunately, Stoopid Cat is not one of them. He had an idea once. He killed it and ate it. Then coughed it up as a hairball and promptly forgot about it. So, the only effect that the green energy wall had on him was to change the direction of his wild charge.
“Okay, pig, if I can’t get the rat, then you is lunch.” (note: he don’t talk too good neither)
As noted CGP is considerably smarter than SC so a second later we find SC floating around the room encased in a ball of green energy, which of course, finally gets the attention of the humans in the room.
Well, it gets SALLy’s attention anyway, nothing is likely to get the guys attention unless one of them runs out of dollar bills, and JC is now running beer for them…
[ December 08, 2003, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
Posted by Numf El on :
“Okay, how about we head back to Aberdeen first, Numfy,” suggested Harbi, her fit of the heebie-jeebies having subsided somewhat. “Why would we want to do that? I thought you pathologically hated the place,” asked Numf rather reasonably. And stepping back slowly to take himself out of her reach, incase she went mental once more. “Yeah, I know, but it’s the only place to get a decent rowie.” “Fair point indeed, lets go.” The pair took to the skies, once more utilising their “free in a cheap luckybag” Legion Flight Ring. During times of non-flight, both Harbi and Numf turned the L into the palms of their hands – I mean, what kind of a twat would wear something that tacky! Came in very handy as a knuckleduster though.
“Whilst we’re heading home, Harbi, I must apologise for those emoticons that I used earlier – they really weren’t very good.” “The smilies. No they weren’t very good. What happened there, Numf?” “Well, they looked much better using a different font, and anyway, there were limitations when copying across to Legionworld into the storyline.” “What kind of problems?” “Well,” continued Numf, “for some reasons you can’t use brackets.” “Parenthesis?” “I once wrote a thesis about my parents…..” “Why do I feel I was set up for that one?”
Posted by Numf El on :
Harbi and Numf dropped down slowly to earth. Union Street was deserted. Tumbleweed drifted along the street, intertwined with the week old McDonalds wrappers. “Hey, Harbi, this could give you some more inspiration for that story of yours, couldn’t it. You could do a cowboys and indians bit.” “Fuck off, Ken.” “Oh, okay. So, what are we going to do? I know they always reckoned that Aberdeen would turn into a ghost town when the oil ran out, but I didn’t think it had run out yet. Hey, did you not say that you knew Aberdeens very own “Hero In Residence”?” “No. And let me re-iterate that – Fucking No!” reiterated Harbi. “What’s the matter, does he hanker after getting his mitts on your tits or something? What was his name again? It was like something out of Rainbow, wasn’t it. Ronnie James Dio? No, I remember – Zippy. That was it, wasn’t it?” a tri-numf-ant (boo, hiss, terrible pun!) Numf asked, convinced of his accuracy. “What was his Superability again – it was something really amazing.” “Well, due to an accident during puberty when a radioactive spider bit his cock, whilst he was pulling up his zipper, causing his hand to slip, he has the ability to piss flame – in stereo.” “Just what we need on our quest! So, why is it that you sound sad about it? What is it to you?” “I don’t know. I’ve known him a long time, since university, and I reckon that he may well have fancied me. However, with as many stitches as John Wayne Bobbit, he’s had a hard time making any friends, especially of the female variety, and I don’t want him to get all clingy on me. It kind of turned into a Quasimodo / Esmerelda situation,” explained Harbi. “And you were..?” Numf wasn’t quick enough, and was left with a minor case of tinnitus in his left ear for his “fucking cheek”.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Harbi, take a look along Union Street and tell me what you see,” ordered Numf, with enough authority in his voice for our heroine to instantly obey, rather than questioning. “Um, a great fuckin’ sand storm. Why?” “Try again. I could have sworn that I saw a figure. A tall figure, dressed from head to toe in black. Long black coat, like Spikes. Hat, face obscured. Menacing. Like something out of High Noon, or Tombstone or something. And then that piggin’ storm just picked up. ” “Nope. Nothing there. Maybe the cowboy setting’s getting to you.” “Maybe – maybe I imagined it. Creepy. Let’s get out of here and find out what’s happened to the place.”
“Look at this newspaper headline, Numfster,” said Harbi, pointing at a flyer outside a closed newsagents.
ROWIE MYSTERY THEFTS INCREASE ZIPPY CONFUSED
“Going to have to break in and get a copy of the local paper, I suppose,” said Numfy. “Just make sure there’s no CCTVs about.” Kick. Break. Swing open. Walk in. Pick up newspaper. Read.
Our Resident Superhero , Zippy, admitted last night that he had “Nae fuckin idea” as to who was behind the ongoing theft of our citys rowies. For almost two full weeks now, every rowie produced by Aitkens or Thains has mysteriously vanished, leaving room for the city to be flooded with imported, low quality rowies. Thankfully Grampian Police’s vigilance paid off today when they managed to turn back a lorry load of Glaswegian butteries. Their spokesman is reported to have said “We’re nae needin’ ony a that pish here.” A sentiment we can all agree with. Our City Fathers have called for an all out citywide strike in an attempt to flush out the culprits.
Underneath was photograph of the the citys resident superhero, baring the legend “Zippy – sponsored by www.asbestosundies.com.”
“Well there we go then – and here was me thinking the place was deserted because it was a flag day,” said Harbi. “What does it say under your thumb, Harbi?” asked Numf, looking over her shoulder and actually reading the newspaper for a change.
It has been rumoured that Aitkens is to continue its production in an attempt to manipulate the prices and make a fortune.
“Right then – Aitkens bakery here we come,” said Harbi, and our heroes strode forth manfully (and womanfully as well – not wanting to sound sexist).
Posted by Numf El on :
LOCAL BUSINESSES – MOST ESPECIALLY COMIC SHOPS
Here’s your chance !!!!
Numf & Harbi are going to be wandering around YOUR city.
Now’s the time to get some cheap advertising done. (Aitkens / Thains – you’re both due me a small van full of rowies as it is, so I’d better get them soon, or I’ll start rubbishing them.)
To get your establishment mentioned in this continuing story, all you have to do is offer me lots of goodies. The biggest offer gets your establishment mentioned. Small, derogatory offers may also get establishments mentioned - but in a small, derogatory fashion.
Cheaper than Northsound Radio!! Watched by more people than North Tonight!! (Maybe.) Read all over the world!!!!!
Would somebody care to start the bidding?
Posted by Numf El on :
No takers?
Bugger.
On with the story then.
Posted by Numf El on :
Striding purposefully through the Adelphi, past a nameless comic shop and along Schoolhill, past another nameless comic shop, our heroes passed yet another nameless comic shop on Rosemount Viaduct – all of whom shall remain nameless, though for a few free annual comic subscriptions they could have been mentioned by name.
Damn. Worth a try.
Posted by Numf El on :
Knock, Knock. “Fuck off and leave us alone, you’re not getting our fucking rowies!” came the voice from within. “Listen up, we’re here to help you. My name’s Numf-El, and I’m here with my good friend Harbinger….” “Isn’t she the one with that web site..” “Yes, I believe she is. Great jugs!” came the whispered testosterone fuelled conversation from inside. “What would she be doing here?” KNOCK, KNOCK. SMASH TINKLE. Harbi pops her head in through the broken doorframe. “Oops, sorry about that, boys,” she stated, eyes wide, index finger at her bottom lip, girly grin, in a pose stolen from Goldie Hawn. “Can we come in?” Harbi changed pose, standing now in the doorway, presenting the classic super-heroine pose - majestic, feet apart (see, I didn’t say legs, ‘cos that could have been mis-construed), shoulders firm, fists on hips, sun gleaming through her golden hair, silhouetted through the floury atmosphere. “No, bugger off,” said the two bakers quaveringly, retreating slowly. “Terribly sorry for the broken door, but you can take it out of the advertising fees that you’re owe Numf. Anyway, guys, which one of you is the Masterbat……sorry, Master Baker?” asked Harbi, showing her Don’t –even-think-about-messing-with-me persona. She’s particularly good at that one. Our two bakers stood, backs against the counter, nowhere to go. They both looked ready to bestow the privilege of rank on the other. Numfy followed close behind. “Now then gents, listen up. We’ve been away for a long time, travelled a long way, saved the Universe and this particular reality on a number of occasions. All we want is a couple of Aitkens rowies. Is that really too much to ask? And after having dissuade the rabble outside from, um, rabbling, as well,” Numf said in his most calming of voices. “Come on now gents, a couple of rowies each, one broken door and we’ll forget about the advertising fees, okay? So, where’s this stash that we heard about?”
Posted by Numf El on :
Feet up on the table, chairs leaning back, Harbi and Numf scoffed eagerly upon their respective rowies. “You know something Numf, I would never have dreamed of combining cheddar cheese and peanut butter. Soooperb.” “Gotta hand it to you Harbi, banana & salt and vinegar crisps really packs a punch. Hey, Harbi, banana – Harbi Goes Bananas. I’m sure that we could get Disney to make a film of that.” “Sod off Numfy, knowing my luck it would be PRIVATE that would want to make a film with that title!”
Posted by Numf El on :
And no, Gentlemen, I don't have a copy of that for sale, not even to the highest bidder.
Posted by Harbinger on :
**********necessary interlude**********
ZIPPY!!
F*CKING ZIPPY!!!
You have got to be kidding me Numf!
Oh-mi-gawd!!
**********end nterlude********
Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Quaalude *
Eddie Tor sits at his desk with a huge smile on his face as he reads the latest installments in the adventures of the LMBP... For once all seems right with the universe... But! As we all know, that situation just cannot last for more than a few miliseconds.
<Ring... Ring...> Eddie looks at the phone as if it's purpose is completely unknown to him. (It is, but that's another story.) He reaches out hesitatingly while thinking, "Watt da fug is dis gaget, an whyzit makin so much damm raket?"
Experimentally he lifts the receiver and looks at it. A voice seems to come from somewhere near it, "Hello, Eddie are you there?"
A quick look around the room reveals that he is in fact alone, just as he thought. He stares at the handset in amazement. "I tought dis was one o' Trixie's toys dat she fergot an lef' on my desk after alla dat crap happen las' week." He said aloud.
"Eddie, Goddammit... Put the friggen phone up to your ear, you moron!"
In all of the known universe there exists exactly one entity who has the nerve to talk to Eddie in that manner. Eddie's hands begin to shake. Sweat breaks out on his brow, and he sits up straighter in his chair. Still staring at the phone handset, only now with an expression on his face that clearly indicates his fear that somewhere on it is a mouth full of very sharp teeth ready to bite, he raises the handset to his ear. Totally by accident he manages to get it in approximately the right position.
"Okay, I gots it nexter my ear, now wot?"
"Eddie, do you know who this is?"
"Watt?"
<semi impatient sigh> "Eddie, I'm asking if you realize to whom you are speaking?"
"I tink so, buts I nebber knew dat, like, sex type toys cud, like, talk."
"SEX TOYS? Eddie what are you blathering about? Wait! Never mind... I don't want to know. Eddie this is Phineas B. Fuddle, your Publisher. You remember me don't you... I'm the guy who signs your check!"
Eddie is now staring at the phone receiver with a totally confused expression on his face. He turns it over slowly examining it from every possible angle. Finally he puts it back up to his ear.
"Umm... Sorry Boss... Buts, like, ya jes' don't look like yerself t'day..."
"What are you talking about, Eddie? You can't see me. I'm in my office."
"Umm... I hates ta break dis to ya Boss, buts, yer rite here in, like, my hand. Dat's how I'm speakin atcha. I Tink."
"Eddie you stupid friggen moron, that's a goddamm telephone in your hand. You remember telephones don't you?"
"Dis is a phone?" Eddie quickly reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a dusty, battered Omnicom. He places the two devices side by side on the desk in front of him and stares alternately at both of them, shaking his head slowly. Then picks the phone back up.
"Okays, I gess yer rite. But whyja use dis? Nobody, like, nobody uses deese anymore."
"Eddie, Eddie, I sent you a memo last year when I sent you the phone. Ahh, Forget it Eddie... Look the important thing is... What the hell is this contract you sent me?"
"Watt Contract?"
* Quaaludius Interruptus *
Posted by Abin Quank on :
* Quaaludius Restartitus *
“Eddie, there’s a goddamm contract sitting on my desk for Roger Moore and Samantha Fox to write exclusively for US in the Ongoing Story. It contains exclusive first release and serial rights for North America and Europe. It is valid for Internet, Books and Video publishing. The question is why is it on my desk instead of at our lawyer’s (Quislet.Esq, Reep & Wanders) offices? Do you realize that PRIVATE has the NUMBER ONE selling video in the WORLD right now and three of the four stars in that video are under contract to US?”
“Huh, I dint tink we did dat kinda stuff… an’ who’s da turd one? We don’t gots no contact fer Dolly da Sheep, does WE?”
“Eddie, the third one is that oversexed bimbette you call a secretary. She’s been under an exclusive rights contract for centuries, ever since you signed her away from Disney after the Pinocchio incident. You remember that don’t you?”
“Ya means when dey catched her sittin on his face yellin ‘Tell Anodder Lie, you won’erful bastert you’?”
“So you do remember.”
“Umm… Deres a small poblim dere boss, ya see after da udder day wen she sat on my desk an’ got it all sticky wit wot ever it was… I kina Canned her…”
“Eddie, I don’t care what kind of sex you had with her… She’s under contract and… Wait a Damm Minute… Canned her… You mean you FIRED Her!!”
“Uhh… Ya.”
“Well, UNFIRE Her! Get her back!”
“Umm… Dat’s gonner be a bit tuff. She like stormed outta here all Pissed off, like, an’ said She was gonna go somwheres where dey wood appreciates her talents, like.”
“Well, I don’t care where she went… Get Her Back!” <SLAM>
Eddie stares at the now dead phone for a few seconds as he ponders some possible solutions to his latest problem. “Wotta Revoltin’ Development Dis Is,” He mutters to himself as he looks through a listing of plot devices for regaining the services of a suddenly valuable discharged employee.
Suddenly, inspiration strikes him. He hits the intercom buzzer on his desk.
“Dierdre, Drag yer ass in here…”
The door to his office opens and his new secretary enters. She is a stunningly beautiful woman in her mid thirties, and she is Extremely Pregnant.
“Oh Shit, like, Not Again… You wasn’t Preggo a few minits ago… Watt da fug happen?”
She simply shrugs and sits on the edge of Eddie’s desk. A small lightbulb (about 25w) goes on in Eddie’s head. “Dierdre, are ya wearin’ unnerwear?”
“Nae, Eddiekins, I allas takes’m orf fore cumin in.”
“Well, Dat’s gonner be a hellofa Patrinitry suite.” Eddie thinks as he quickly revises his plan for luring Trixie back into the fold.
“Who, Bisides yerself, does we hav’ dat can go ta Aberdeen an’ git Trixie ta come back here?”
“Waddya wan teit Beitch bake fer?”
“Look, Ms. Harlow, Dis is how it woiks, I makes da decisierons, you does wot it takes ta make dem happins. Okay? I gots no choices, da big guy wants her back, so we gets her back. Now who do we gots over dere?”
“After ya calls dat guy in Aberdeen, git aholta dat Cobalt character an tells him his check ain’t gonna be cut till he starts wittin again.” * Ending of Semi-Quaalude * ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
At Legion World, there was cause for celebration! The Time Mouse Trapper had been defeated in a way that made his return impossible, although Poverty Lad reminded everyone "Dead? He'll get better". The menaces of Whordru, Illyiana Highlander, Climactus, and others had been defeated in a small amount of time, and Legion World had just undergone a transitionary period, where Stu, the mage who had transformed into a puppy, had now been elected LMBP leader. All seemed well in the world.
As the legions of fans surrounded Office of Security, Super Lad Kid, the hero of the day lately, waved to the crowd. "Careful SLK" said Cobalt. "The last thing you want is one of those groupies to have your baby". "Jeez Cobalt, let it go. So you have a couple of kids". "Couple? I have six kids. And all but one are older than me. Besides Numf and Umber, the rest are all robots, demons or future world conquerers". "What's that racket?" asked SLK suddenly. "Nothing, Shark Lad is feasting on my legion of fans"
Meanwhile, at SHAKES, Vee and Icey were welcoming an old hero named "Mean Old Hero" to Legion World, to commemorate Stu's term as leader. Mean Old Hero had three things about him that explained who he was: he was a man, he was old, and he was fuckin' mean! He liked to drink gin strait from the bottle with a chaser of tequilla and vodka mixed together with Pine-Tar.
Mean Old Hero stepped into SHAKES, and suddenly, Vee knew something was wrong. He took one look at the pole Icey had put up, and his temper flared! "I've had enough, you sons of bitches!" said the old bastard! "Huh? What have we done?" said Kid Prime walking in. Mean Old Hero punched Kid Prime with a sudden right cross, showing a strength that was similar to Space Ranger! He suddenly flew into the air, screaming and yelling!
"What the hell is that old guy doing?" said Invisible Brainiac walking by with Fat Cramer and Emerald Empress.
Up in the sky, Space Ranger and Kara approached the mean old hero, who was still in peak physical condition. "Um, hello?" said Kara. "I'll show you!" he yelled. "I'll show what it is to be mean!"
And with that, the Mean Old Hero made every single penis on the planet fall off of it's owner. Oh, there were a lot of tears that day...
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, gents,” started Harbi, “what’s with the destroying of millions of rowies so that you can artificially inflate the prices? Don’t you realise the harm that you’ve done? It’s a ghost town out there!” She looked down, disappointedly, at the two bakers who had been tied to the nearest available chairs. Spinning, she picked up a spare chair and threw it through the wall above their heads, showering them all with plasterboard and rubble (no, we’ve had the rubble joke before – if you haven’t read all of the story you might have missed it. If so, go and read it all, it’s quite good, and the rubble joke’s a cracker, though a tad surreal.). “What is this, good superhero / bad superhero? Are you going to come over as the nice guy, and try to soften us up or something?” This last comment was directed towards Numfy. “ ‘Cos we’ve got nothing to say!” Kick. Balls turn into discs momentarily before the natural springiness causes them to spring back to bruised and painful almost normality. “Need I say more? She’s the good one. And I’ll bet a few of the readers winced at that one.” “I thought you were supposed to be superheroes – you can’t do that!” exclaimed the baker who could still talk, in fact who could still draw breath. His companion tried his best, but could only manage the shallowest of breaths for some time to come. “Says you. Have you ever actually read the Superhero Code? ‘Cos you look more like a baker than a lawyer to me. No? Good. I can absolutely guarantee you that nowhere – and I repeat – NOWHERE in the Code does it say “Rule No 6 – Thou shalt not kick tied and bound bakers in the nuts.” I can fucking guarantee it. So, unless you want much of the same I’d spill the proverbial beans.” Numfy said, breaking rule 23 in the code, which DID actually state that you shouldn’t kick tied and bound comestible manufacturers in the knackers.
“No, no, no, don’t kick me – we haven’t done anything! We’ve been losing money hand over foot – I mean we’ve paid off all the other staff – even Claudia Schiffer. We’ve been locking the rowies away from the start, but they still manage to disappear – someone’s been stealing them, but we don’t know how! Honest guvnor!” “Honest guvnor? You ain’t from around here, are ya? So, you expect us to believe that they’ve just been disappearing from behind locked doors?” asked Harbi, easing herself between Numf and the bakers, because she HAD read the Code, and didn’t want her friend to get into any more trouble – fun though it had looked. “Yeah – that room over there, where we disappeared to get your rowies earlier,” offered the talkative one with a nod of his head towards a closed door. “Well, in that case, why don’t we go and have a good look, Numf?” “Good idea, I’m right behind you,” said Numf, following behind and threatening the bakers with a thorough slapping if they as much as whined out of place.
Into the small, dark room the two heroes strode, forgetting to look behind the opened door. Daft bastards. In the middle of the room there sat a table, with four bakers trays containing around 200 rowies each. SLAM! Absolutely cacking themselves our heroes spun around to see…..
Posted by Numf El on :
There, clad in black from head to toe stood our anti-hero, Gimp Boy (once again, if you don’t know what’s happening READ BLOODY THE STORY! Or else accept that you’re not going to get the running gags.Your choice.).
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” asked Numf, rather heroically. “Bill Hicks?”
“You are lucky, young Skywanker . . . that we share a familial bond. . . .” “Well, I’m not familiar with you. But lets see, leather, mask, bondage with people much younger than yourself. . …that’s not Michael Jacks…..um, under there, is it?” asked Numf. “Who the bloody hell is Michael Jacks? Don’t you mean Michael Jackson?” asked Harbi. “’Course I don’t mean Michael Jackson – that would be libellous, wouldn’t it? Come to think of it, grab your crotch and sing Billy Jean, would you?” Grab. “Billy Jean . . . is not my lover . . .” “No, that’s not high enough. Tighter,” explained Numf. Squeeeeze. “..she’s just a girl . . . and sometimes I …” “GET HIM!!..” screamed Harbi as she pounced. Numf was just a second behind.
Posted by Numf El on :
“And that, class, is the first ever use of the classic “Squeeze your own gonads whilst impersonating Michael Jackson Distraction Technique” which has been the mainstay of physical comedy shows on television and cinema for the past twenty years….”
Posted by Numf El on :
As Numf and Harbi sailed through the air at Darth Vader, their molecules were ripped asunder. And almost instantly re-assembled several miles above the planet. However, their orientation had been changed (no, not like that, though I suppose that could have been quite a funny option), and both sailed out of their respective transporter beams and hit the back wall of the transporter room aboard the Enterprise. Luckily for them, Vader had squeezed a bit too hard, and had incapacitated himself. He lay coiled up on a circle on the floor. Unluckily for them, once they had picked themselves up off of the floor, they found themselves surrounded by a number of bloated spacemen all pointing things at them that we can take to be possibly injurious to health. (Phasers, in other words.) “Take me to your leader,” Numfy said to anyone who wanted to listen. “But do me a favour and tie that guy up, he’s some kind of pervert, and he’s after me for some reason.”
Five minutes later, our two heroes and Mr. Gimp were on the Control Deck, tied and bound, in front of an extremely overweight Kirk. “My name is Captain James…. T….. Kirk, and I am the captain….. of the USS Enterprise, the vessel……. that you are currently aboard. Tell me, ……why were you trying ……to hi-jack our rowies?” “What do you mean YOUR rowies?” asked Harbinger, well pissed off with being tied and bound without having given her permission and deciding on a safe word. “So it’s you that have single handedly ruined a once great city…well, an okay city….by stealing its most saught after commodity. How dare you!” “Hey, Kirky babe, what does the T stand for? Twat?” Numf said, trying to antagonise the captain. “How dare…… you! I’d challenge you…… to a duel, if I could only un-wedge my arse from this….. chair!” “Tell me, Captain, have you lot just been stuffing your faces with all the rowies that you’ve been stealing? You didn’t realise that they are about 500 calories each, did you?” Harbinger asked. A skinny, pointy eared alien piped up at this point. “Excuse me captain, but have you noticed how similar in looks and attitude this young man is to your good self prior to your weeks of self indulgence?” “My god, ……Spock, you’re right. How can …….that be? And how come you’re …..not a flabby cunt….. like the rest of us?” “According to the tricorder readings, Jim, he appears to be your son…….”
Posted by Numf El on :
“GET AWAY FROM HIM . . . YOU BITCH! . . . Young Skywanker is MY . . . son. Together we will rule the . . . Universe!” So saying, Vader broke his bindings and stood up to his full 7 foot height. The lights blinked out, leaving everyone temporarily confused.
“Cool trick, I wonder if I could do that,” said Numf, and in the wink of an eye he and Harbi were released from their bindings, having mastered the Force a lot quicker than someone else that I could name.
It’s a bit dark and confusing around here, thought Harbi to herself. I know, that Gimp had a torch at his belt – I’ll nick it off him.
Panda Immodium had broken out all over the Enterprise, and their diahorrea had cleared up really quickly.
Harbi nicked Vaders teorch and turned it on. Immediately a solid beam of light shot out, cutting off one of Spocks ears. “Ouch, that hurt” came a very logical voice out of the darkness.
The lights blinked back on. Numf stood next to the lift, pointing at a switch. “Okay, which funny bugger turned the light out? Come on, own up.”
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, Mr Spock……’fess up. How come …..you haven’t …….put on any weight?” “I had a strange communication from my daughter last week, suggesting that I not indulge, due to their high calorific content,” answered Spock, logically, though rather distractedly, due to the fact that he was holding his severed ear in his hand. “And why didn’t you tell us? Ohhhhh yes, that memo that you sent around last week, we all laughed at, and then made paper aeroplanes out of. I remember now,” piped out a fat Bones who had just entered the bridge. “Your daughter? I didn’t know…… that you had a daughter. Who is she?….. Where is she? Can I f…..no, forget that last bit.” asked Kirk. “Well, the funny thing is, that in exchange for that information she insisted that I transfer her on board. It appears that the worlds press were after her. Something to do with a video that she was in…..”
Posted by Numf El on :
You guessed it, didn’t you. I suppose it’s pretty obvious when you take the pointy ears into account.
Yes, it was indeed our very own ex-newspaper hound (no pun about her being a dog intended), Trixie.
“That bastich Eddie Tor sacked me, can you believe it?”said Trixie, swivelling herself around on the chief communicators chair.
“Wait a minute, shouldn’t…… Lieutenant Uhura be…… there?” asked Kirk. “No, she had to go and get cleaned up. She said something about William Shat’n’er,” replied Trixie, finally getting to use the best Star Trek joke ever, without risking being called racist.
Wanting to get in on the act, Numf grabbed the recently severed appendage out of Spocks hand and stuck it in the middle of Kirks face. “Captain Kirks final front – ear!” he laughed. Nobody else did.
“Numfy, even for you, that was fuckin’ awful!” said Harbi, shaking her head, arms folded under those magnificent hooters of hers.
“Numfy? Then you must be Harbi. Oh …My…. Gawd!!!! Well, fuck me gently. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you two. Eddie wanted me to get you to sign one of his exclusive contracts for writin’ on Legionworld! I thought I had you in Amsterdam….” said Trixie.
“Nope, it wasn’t us that you had, was it Trixie. I thought I recognised you. I saw the photos in Celebrity Shag Special – that’s the video Spock was talking about,” said Numfy. “Anyway, what’s this about Eddie Tor – I thought you said he’d fired you? Is that the same Eddie that’s in the space / time continuum?”
“No, I said he sacked me – he bundled me into a mailbag and threw me out the fuckin’ window.”
“Talking of which…..Spock…..how come you never…..told my about you…..having a daughter?” asked Kirk. “Well, Jim, do you remember the time that you got me so drunk that I shagged that whole intergalactic circus troupe?” “Remember? Let me tell you….Spock….the memory of you climbing …..up that ladder to….fuck that elephant….will remain with me….. ‘til my dying day.” Everybody collapsed in fits of laughter, with the exception of Spock and Trixie.
Meanwhile…….
At the Sheraton, Doctor Jeep played on and on and on.
Back on board the Enterprise, the giggling had subsided. Upon looking up, it was evident that some badness was afoot. Spock and Trixie had everybody covered, phasers pointed at Kirk, Vader, Numf and Trixie. Everyone else wore red, and seemed to know without being told that one wrong move would see them written out of the rest of the story.
“What do you think…..you’re doing, Spock. This is….. mutiny!” If there were a soundtrack, it would strike a dramatic chord at that point.
“Well, Jim, it’s like this. I am sick fed up of playing second fiddle to a buccaneering, womanising, testosterone feulled, stupid, fat, wig wearing twat like yourself. Week after week, you and Bones do nothing but take the piss out of me. I’ve had it – I’m taking over. Who do you think has been putting extra peanut butter on your rowies to help fatten you up even more? Anyway, Trixie and I want to roam the galaxy, searching for her mother, the midget trampoline starlet. I haven’t beeen able to get her out of my mind,” replied Spock.
“So Spock….., how did Trixie even…… know that you were here….., since we were only ……recently sucked through ……one of those strange STCs…” “Huh??” “Space / time continuums. I thought that if I abbreviated it then I wouldn’t have to type so much. So much for that idea,” came a strange voice from out of nowhere, sounding strangely like Numfs.
“Oh, that’s easy,” said Trixie, “ I was reading this story online – trying to get an idea where Numf might be, when suddenly up pops this spaceship, and lo and behold, daddy’s on board. Coincidence or what?”
“Ah . . So it was you . . that forced me into the drink . . . you cunts . . .” “And who are you anyway? And why are you trying to claim Numf here as your son, when my tricorder clearly shows that he shares genes with Captain Kirk?” asked Spock. “Ahm nae sharin’ jeans wi’ that fat bastard!” said Numf, resorting to a slightly more Celtic pronunciation.
“My name is . . Annadin Skywanker, . . . and he is my son. . . I know not how, . . but I sense he is. And the . . Force never lies.”
----------------Tune in next for the shocking conclusion of the Numf and Harbi part of the Tag Team Thread. Brought to you by AsbestoUndies.com----------------------
Posted by Numf El on :
--------And now, our exciting conclusion to the Numfy / Harbi thread------------ ------------------Bet you can’t wait---------------------------------------- ------------------Bet you can’t guess what’s going to happen, either----------------- ----------I’d suggest that you get yourself a drink before you sit down, ‘cos it’s a long read – but well worth it-------------------------------------------
“Umm, everybody,” said Bones, wishing that he hadn’t put on his Liverpool / Washington Redskins (pick your replica red shirt of choice), so that he could do something heroic without risking sudden death. “Umm, everybody, umm, look at the screen.”
Imagine for a moment that the original Enterprise (you know what I mean, so I don’t want any PMs from irate Trekkies, okay?) had a rather impressive front viewing screen, rather more like Jean-Lucs Enterprise, rather than the fucking widescreen telly that it actually had. It’s slightly more impressive that way.
Everyone turned to stare at the screen. A giant blue and grey face filled the screen, stars visible through it. “Boo.”
“My god, Numfy, check those steely grey eyes – they’re magnificent!!” said Harbi – she’s always gone for eyes. “Who the fuck?????” said everybody else. Several pairs of trousers had to be changed pretty rapidly.
“The hour of your destinies is at hand,” said the vision, cold stony voice which sent a no unpleasant shiver down Harbis back.
“Aye – and you fucking think so, do you?” asked Numfy, sounding precisely one shit-load more heroic than he actually felt.
“Well, actually I do,” said our mysterious baddy (I’m sure most of you have worked it out already, but for those who haven’t I’ll keep the suspense going for a bit longer), and a giant hand came out of the screen and plucked our two superheros, Captain James T. Kirk and Darth Vader from the bridge.
Onboard the Enterprise, the vision disappeared, but the cold stony voice could be heard – “Enjoy your trip to the circus.”
The five remaining members of this thread appeared on a strange, silent, grey planet. It was small enough so that the curvature could be seen at the horizon. (I don’t think that would work in reality, the horizon would just be closer, but it’s a good image.) There were no mountains and no vegetation. Our two superheros, Captain Kirk and Lord Vader were facing this so far un-named mega-baddy. “I believe you may have some questions for me,” said the baddy, facing the remaining four in a classic hero pose – much like the one from Harbi earlier. Except that bigger biceps and smaller tits were on show. Oh, and I don’t remember Harbi having a bulge like that in her lycra shorts, neither. (Though I’ve known a few bulges like that that had wanted to get into her lycra shorts!) The heroes and Vader stood in a semi circle facing him. The planets sun was behind him, leaving him as an almost colourless silhouette. Except, that is, for the powerful eyes which looked out from the blackness, searching their souls. The three heroes, and one minor baddie looked awestruck and dumbstruck at the almost casual show of power.
Vader found his voice first. “Who the fuck . . are you?” “You of all people should know that, Annakin Skywalker.” “My name’s not . . . Annakin Skywalker.” “Yes it is – I named you myself.” With another of those casual, power showing off things, a birth certificate appeared in his outstretched hand. “”Annadin Skywanker”,”he read.” Well I never, that stupid secretary managed a couple of cracking spelling mistakes there, didn’t she. My, but you must have had a rough time in the playground with a name like that.” He threw his head back and laughed.
Never had the planet heard such a noise. If there had been mountains they would have fallen over. If there had been seas they would have cracked, flooding the white hot centre of the planet and converting it all to steam, which might have produced a cloud base, rain, greenery, vegetation, in short – life. However, it did none of these things. It just shook – frightened.
“You mean . . you’re my father?” asked Vader incredulously. “Well, lets see what it says on the birth certificate. Mother….so that was her name. Well, you live and learn. Father….The Dark Side. Well, I suppose it’s fucking close enough.”
“Holy bat, Fuck-man!”swore Kirk. “You’re the….. legendary Darkseid….. In The Flesh.” (There we are Roger, a quick plug for your live album – that’s surely worth a couple of free tickets and back-stage passes for your next world tour in ten years or so….)
“Well, what passes for flesh on his grey, stony arse, anyway,” said Numf.
“My turn for…. a question,” said Kirk. “What am I …..doing here?”
“Well,” said Darkseid, “I had been hoping for a monumental battle between the forces of good and evil – you against Vader. But look at you – what a fat bastard you’ve turned into. Not much of a contest. Here’s 20 quid instead – go and buy yourself a girdle.” Kirk disappeared instantly, looking confused at the £20 note in his hand.
“Father or not . . you can’t . . . treat us like that..” said Vader advancing on Darkseid, light saber in hand, swiping through the air left and right….
Go on, do the noises – you know you want to.
Zzzssshtt Zzzsshhtttt!!!!
In less than the time it would take to blink your eyes, Vader found himself wearing his leathers on the inside, and his insides on the out. He fell to the floor, instantly dead, smelling incredibly bad and looking even worse.
“I don’t suppose that you could do that to Jar Jar Binks, could you?” asked Numf. “But seriously, that wasn’t really necessary, was it?”
“I suppose it was rather unneccesary – how about I bring him back to life and return him back in time for Episode 5? Would that do you?” asked Darkseid. “That would be spot on,”replied Numfy. “They don’t count as my questions, do they?” “No, Numf-El, I know there are number of burning issues in your heart. Ask away,” said Darkseid graciously. “Well, there’s a couple of things – what’s with Golden Girl and Cobalt Lad and everybody thinking that they’re my dad and all that sort of thing?” asked Numf concisely. “I must confess to being behind all of that,” replied Darkseid. “But, why?” “We will come to that in time, but first, Golden Girl. Using the technology that I first refined in bringing Dolly to life”….”Bloody hell, not Dolly too..” … “ I managed to clone Supergirl. She had hurt me badly in past battles, but I needed her clone to fulfil my own destiny.” “So, GG was a Supergirl clone. Wow. But she was a bit mental, wasn’t she?” asked Numf. “She first had to endure 14000 years of madness before I could use her.” “Bloody hell – listening to “I Like Driving In My Car” two and a half billion times would drive anyone mental,” said Harbi, doing some quick mental arithmetic. “I managed to distill it all into 15 years of Sensory Deprivation,” explained Darkseid. “You Bastard! You got her that executive box at Pittodrie that had been built especially for David Blaine, didn’t you! You heartless bastard!” exclaimed Numfy, getting very angry indeed. “You forced her to watch the Aberdeen wilderness years, didn’t you. 1995 – 2010. You…..” If it hadn’t been for Harbi holding him back until his anger subsided, Numfy may well have done something that he would have regretted. Instantly, and for the rest of his very short life.
Meanwhile….
At the Sheraton, Doctor Jeep played on and on and on, and then got kicked out by hotel security.
Once he had calmed down, cried a bit and screamed a lot, Numfy asked re-asked about his fathers. “So, who actually is your father? Well, all of them, and a few more. The greatest heroes and villains that the universe will ever know. All spliced together and inseminated artificially into Golden Girl, after her madness had taken hold effectively.
Darth Vader, and therefore my own genes. Captain James T. Kirk Attila The Hun Alexander The Great Mon-El Genghis Khan Adolf Hitler Jesse James…”
“See, I told you that you were a jessie, didn’t I?” piped up Harbi, speaking as if from a great distance away. Numfy turned his attention to her. “What’s up Harbi – why are you staring at Darkseid like that?”
“5927 others and, of course, the greatest hero of them all, Cobalt Lad,” continued Darkseid, “which is why Golden Girl hated him so much.” “What do you mean “the greatest hero of them all”?” asked Numf. “He has yet to fulfil his potential in your timeline,” said Darkseid. “So, there’s about 6000 dads? I suppose I’ll have to let Cobie off with a couple of pints and a pickled egg for his part of my Child Benefit. So, what now.” “I believe that Harbinger has a question for me.” “Yeah, can I have your babies?” asked Harbi, all doe-eyed. “What? Harbi, are you out of your mind? With him? What are you doing?”asked Numf. “But Numf, I love him. He’s so ruggedly handsome - and with all that power at his command he can give me anything I want,” argued Harbi like a big girly. “But.....” “I believe the lady has made up her mind,” said Darkseid, taking Harbi’s hand and turning away from Numf. Harbi turned to look back at Numf. “It’ll be fine, honest - he’s everything I’ve ever wanted.” At the wave of his hand a majestic palace arose from the ground, perfect in every way. For a Barbie Harbi.
With another wave of his hand Numf disappeared, only to re-appear at Legionworld HQ.
On the lonely, silent planet, Harbi sat, alone in her pink bedroom and cried. “Numfy you arse, why didn’t you fight for me?”
Posted by Abin Quank on :
--------ROTFLMAO---------
Numf you!!!
I can't stop Laughing...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Hee-hee That was the last post to your part, right?
Does that mean Harbi's got to get herself out of there?
Numf you're a Genius!!!
Posted by Numf El on :
Thanks for the support Abin - much appreciated. And yes, it was the last part. someone else can run with it awhile.
As for Harbi - who said she's getting out?
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Numf, I loved it! And thanks for the making me the greatest hero of them all ! Now I have something to live up in these tag threads! And a couple of pints sounds good to me! Each part was one of the funniest things that I've ever read, I don't think I've laughed out loud so much before... Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
On Legion World, the every male realized in horror that his penis had fallen to floor! Strangely enough, no one seemed to be hurt or bleeding!
Icefyre passed out from the pain of thinking about a Legion World of eunuchs! Legion World erupted into chaos! Emerald Empress suddenly grew angry at the prospect of having no harem!
-----------------
Mean Old Hero flew above Legion World, knocking back Space Ranger, as Shark Lad leaped at him to take him down! But the mean bastard was too tough to pin down, and a creepy smile went across his face. Suddenly, he flew out of town into the surrounding mountains.
"OK" said Stu quickly over the omni-com, "I want a team on him quickly. Ranger, Empress, Sharky, Vee and Semi. I'm going to need you guys to figure out what's going on. I'm going to attempt to use my magic to figure out what I can do to restore our genitalia"
The female LMBPers watched on in horror, feeling pity for their fellow male LMBPers. "Who exactlly is this guy anyway?" asked Fat Cramer. "Um, I'm not really sure" replied He Who Wanders, "some old hero? Does anyone know?"
"I do" replied Greybird over the omni-com, as he was coming home from a mission with Kara and Lucien Lad. "I'm surprised you were able to find him though, it's a strange tale..."
-------------------
Meanwhile, a group of LMBers were off on their own mission at the time. Outdoor Miner, Abin Quank, Arachne, Lash Lad and Poverty Lad were attempting to go on a mission with Ambassador Kryll into Khund space, and to promote peace in the universe. Everything seemed to be going fine, as none knew of what was happening back home. Suddenly, Abin's ring turned orange for a moment and changed back. "What the?" "Abin, what was that?" asked Pov, and Abin replied, "don't know. Weird though." "Bad OMEN" shrugged Miner...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
While the LMBers that we're listening on the omnicom tuned in to hear Greybird's tale, the suprisingly forgot about the fallen units on the floor. Only Marvin of the Brood, having a bologna and popcorn sandwhich noticed that all of the penis's began to slowly move towards the door and out into the street. They all seemed to be inching toward some far off place. Not wanting to wreck Grey's story, and feeling a bit weirded out by fallen human male gentilia, he followed the parade of cocks down the street to see where it lead.
In the lab, Doctor One and Invisible Brainiac began brainstorming over how Mean Old Hero had been able to create their members to fall off. Little did they know they were dealing with an advanced intellect that could match wits with them...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
An intellect so advanced that he had devised a way to rebuild the MULTI-COLORED THING OF EKRON! He had found a way to clone Penis-Eradicator Lad and then aged that clone into Mean Old Hero and had then sent him to steal all of the male members' members and use them to recreate the Flesh Penis of Ekron. That orange glow on Abin's ring was meant to leech some of the ring's power and use it to duplicate the Orange Ring Finger of Ekron. He had even captured the mouse half of the Time Mouse Trapper and had used the genetic material to make a new set of Pearly White Buck Teeth of Ekron, and he had many, many other agents working on other body parts. In fact, the Emerald Empress and her team were heading straight for one of those agents right now...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
An intellect so advanced that he had devised a way to rebuild the MULTI-COLORED THING OF EKRON! He had found a way to clone Penis-Eradicator Lad and then aged that clone into Mean Old Hero and had then sent him to steal all of the male members' members and use them to recreate the Flesh-colored Penis of Ekron. That orange glow on Abin's ring was meant to leech some of the ring's power and use it to duplicate the Orange Ring Finger of Ekron. He had even captured the mouse half of the Time Mouse Trapper and had used the genetic material to make a new set of Pearly White Buck Teeth of Ekron, and he had many, many other agents working on other body parts. In fact, the Emerald Empress and her team were heading straight for one of those agents right now...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
"Unacceptable, just unacceptable! How does that mean old man expect me to pleasure myself without the services of the males? Does he expect me to settle for fake TOYS?! Royalty should not have to settle for second best!" stormed the Empress, in one of her royal temper tantrums.
"Does she really think we're first rate?" asked Sharky. "Yeah, it's hard to believe, I mean, you'd need an inertron dildo just to satisfy the Empress!" Space Ranger answered. "And we'll need one now, you know how she is when she gets cranky!" "Say, how long have we been flying, anyway? I'm starting to get tired." said Vee. "You'd think we would've seen some sign of Mean Old Hero by now, he certainly didn't look as if he could've flown very fast." said Semi. "Yeah, but then he didn't look as if he had enough power to make all those penises fall off, either!" "Silence!" commanded the Empress, in her most regal way. "The Eye is trying to find that miserable man's trail!" "Eye have found it...follow Eye." "That was fast." whispered Space Ranger. "Yeah, I just hope the Eye isn't nearsighted or anything." Semi whispered back. The Eye led them inside a cave, deeper and deeper and deeper into the shadows, until it was so dark that even that even Space Ranger had trouble seeing. "How much farther do we have to go?" "Do you think the Eye could be wrong?" asked Sharky. "You fool! Of course not!" screeched the Empress. "The Eye can do anything! And nothing can stop it! Nothi-" The Empress' tirade was cut off by an unearthly screeching, the likes of which have never been heard before, not even by Nads-Kicker Lass after she had finished by one of her victims. "What happened? Did you bite something, Sharky?" asked a flustered Semi. "Wasn't me." "The Eye... Someone has done something to the Eye!" The chamber was suddenly lit up by a bright flash of light, and everybody gasped as they saw that the Eye was covered by... a giant contact lens!
[ December 14, 2003, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Numf El on :
---------interlude-----------
quote:Originally posted by Cobalt Kid: .....And a couple of pints sounds good to me! Each part was one of the funniest things that I've ever read, I don't think I've laughed out loud so much before...
Glad to have been of service in the laughs department Cobie - I'll collect those pints next time I see you in Shakes.
---- -interlude ends--------
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The great intellect was pleased. With the contact lens in place, the Eye would be placed under his/her control, and the LMBP would lose one of its biggest assets. S/He allowed himself a chuckle. Those fools never suspected that a small tissue sample from Mean Old Hero, splattered on the inner walls deep inside the cave while MOH himself was safely held in stasis could fool the Eye so completely, especially with the Empress' agitation focused through their mental link distracting the Eye so it wouldn't notice. S/he had already found the Eye's twin, and s/he was in the process of unearthing the Golden Toe of Ekron from its burial place on Tharn. S/he knew that at least two-fifths of the Thing Of Ekron was hidden away somewhere, still whole even after the titanic battle with the Justice Group of Super-Friendly People, the Doomed Patrol and the Foreign Legion of Superb-Tasting Heroes had destroyed most of it. As for the destroyed parts, it would be a simple matter to reproduce them since s/he had already carefully studied the Great Black Heart of Ekron, the first of the parts that s/he had acquired, and the part that was leading him/her to all the other parts. S/he decided to check on the male members' members. S/he hoped that his assistant had not stuck the whole bunch of them up his ass (which had been instrumental in recreating the Very Reddened and Puffy Anus of Ekron) again. He switched on the viewscreen, and...
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
He switched on the viewscreen, and set it for multiple plot line viewing. Skipping page 15 entirely, (s)he focussed on Numf and Harbi, who were still enmeshed in a Rowie mystery with some Zippy character. Little did they know that the Taste Police were stalking them in the shadows, accompanied by an elite unit of the Pun Police.
Stoopid Cat and Pagan Lass were meeting with Fat Cramer (who kept popping in and out of this tag-team reality), to prepare for the Winter Solstice festival, which involved mistletoe, dollar bills, candles and tuna steaks. "Mindless idiots," muttered the great intellect. Little did (s)he know that Stoopid Cat was Fat Cramer's long lost brother and that there would be serious consequences to follow.
The great intellect scanned a few other screens and sighed. (S)he would get his/her assistant to summarize and prepare an action plan.
Finally, (s)he directed his/her attention to the male members' members. To his/her shock and dismay, the members were no longer there. In their place were festive sprigs of mistletoe and assorted candles. The reat intellect clutched his head in her hands and groaned. This could only mean one thing...
The building shook. The Empress' agitation as she saw the Eye was causing a rash of unintended, uncontrolled effects. Unknown to the great intellect, the Eye was suffering under the poorly fitting contact lens and was sending distress signals to the Empress. The mounting levels of angst were creating shock waves. Semi, Sharky and Ranger struggled to keep their balance and restrain the agonized Empress.
"Damnation," growled the great intellect. "I'd better attend to these disturbances. Recreating the Brown Nose of Ekron will have to wait."
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
Interlude
Non-sequitor said "I am not needed here!"
end Interlude
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
**resume Interlude**
On the contrary, Quislet. I never come here unless escorted by Non-sequitor.
**end Interlude**
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Elsewhere, Petty Officer Marvin was feeling very, very light-headed. He couldn't understand why he was flying up in the air, or who the man beside him was. He remembered breaking into the vault where the male members' members were kept. He remembered how the Great Intellect's assistant had been shoving them inside himself like mad,and how he had not noticed Marvin's entrance. Not that he could have done anything if he had, since Marvin's ray gun had been powerful and his aim had been true. Marvin rather regretted shooting so quickly though, as he also remembered that he had had a hell of a time getting the members out. He remembered being disgusted by this odd form of human sexual behavior, and of how shocked he had been when he first came to Legion World and found out that this was one of the many practices that some humans engaged in. He remembered sneaking over to the even more secure vault where the larger members were kept, and of how he had already opened up the first two locks when he had somehow tripped the alarm. He remembered uttering a particularly foul Brood curse, and he remembered kicking the vault in exasperation, for which his legs (all one hundred of them!)were still hurting. He remembered how, just as he was giving up hope, he had heard a rather deep chuckle, and how the vault suddenly sprang open, how the members floated by themselves into a large red sack, and how what appeared to be a mixture of snow and stardust sprinkled on him, and of how the resulting teleportation, or what seemed like it, made him start to black out. He remembered how, when he woke up, he was flying through the night sky, the wind blowing in his face, and a funny fat man in red was sitting beside him saying "Ho Ho Ho." And he remembered thinking, "You have got to be kidding me."
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
What Marvin didn't know about the Red Man was these ten facts that have not been revealed to the public:
1. His nick name is Santa Claus, aka Kris Kringle, but his real name is Nick Fountaine, former secret agent for the British Empire during the French Revolution.
2. Santa, like most of the LMB, is a gay man.
3. Santa, a magic-user on par with the Sorcerer Surpreme, is a practicer of pagan witchcraft, even though he celebrates the Christmas holiday by giving presents. He secretly celebrates the birthday of Mithras, the Persian deity, which is on the same day.
4. Santa is immortal and ages very slowly.
5. Ms. Claus is actually Santa's adopted daughter, is a HOTTIE!
6. Santa has some yet unknown connection with an LMBer or two, which may reveal why he is suddenly helping Marvin of the Brood!
7. Santa is fat for a reason, because in his civilization, being overweight makes you sexy! Whenever Santa beefs up for the holidays, he knows that when he gets back home he's going to look like a bonafide sex-pot!
8. Nick believes in the legalization of marijuana and is known for smoking a few doobies here and there.
9. Santa is wanted in parts of the galaxy for murdering the War-Monger king of the dreaded Evil Empire.
10. Santa is a jolly man. (OK, so that one is common knowledge).
Meanwhile, Marvin looked up at the jolly super-hero...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Marvin looked at the jolly superhero... and promptly fainted again when he saw what Santa was doing with the male members' members!
Elsewhere, Sharky was happily swimming in a pool of water. The water reminded him of the cool oceans of his home, with just the right amount of salt. The wave action of the water was gently rolling him around the pool, and he was floating not only physically, but also mentally. It was so soothing...
Vee was having difficulty standing up. The Eye's irritation at the poor-fitting contact lens was causing it to tear up, and as a result the cave had been flooded! Space Ranger and Semi were still trying desperately to restrain the Empress, and Sharky was nowhere in sight.
"Sharky? Sharky? Where are you?"
Vee sighed. This was turning out to be one hell of a mission. ****************************************** Santa was having the time of his life. The male members' members were the perfect Christmas gift! He would never leave his workshop again; Ms. Claus could handle all the work. Besides, he didn't think he would be able to sit down again for a while. He supposed he would have to give at least one of them to the Emerald Empress, so that she wouldn't chase him down again like she did last time when all the toys he left for her broke on the first day. The first day! He would have to choose a particularly strong member for her, or face the consequences. Last year, she had turned his special aphrodisiac chocolate chip cookies into dancing sugar plums! Sugar plums! They had been useful in getting him into sexy shape, but absolutely useless in arousing his cute little elves and his studly reindeer. He thought for a moment, and nearly slammed into the side of the Super-Stalag of Space. He would drop by the Empress right now and let her choose which member she wanted to keep. And he would drop Marvin off too, butnnot before he had his way with him. Santa had never encountered one of the Brood before, and this was too good an opportunity to pass up. ********************************************* Space Ranger was in a bad mood. He and Semi had been doing their best to restrain the Empress, when suddenly Dancing Queen and someone called Booty Shaker had shown up. Now he, Semi, the Empress and Vee were being forced to do synchronized swimming, of all things! Whatever happened to dirty dancing? Sharky, the only one who could possibly help him now, was nowhere in sight, and worst of all, Booty Shaker was shaking his big fat booty right in front of his face!
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Booty Shaker was having the time of his life. The Great Intellect had seen the potential of his fabulous booty; his tissue cells had been used to recreate the Gray, Rock Hard Booty of Ekron. And he could shake it all he wanted! And to top it all off, he had met someone who shared his passion for all kinds of dance, Dancing Queen! He smiled at her. The two of them made such a great pair! After this was all over, they would open their very own disco house. With their abilities to turn any person into dancing fools, they would be rolling in dough in no time! They had already shipped the Emerald Eye off to the Great Intellect, so he decided to finish off the LMBPers. "Are you all set for a fabulous swan dive to the bottom of the cave? Let's see how long you can hold your breath!" He was just about to give the mental command when something bit his booty. Hard. ******************************************** The Empress was livid. First, her harem had been greatly handicapped. Second, she hadn't been able to get her hands on the fool who had done that very foolish deed. Third, the Eye had been caused great pain, and then had been taken from her. And fourth, she was now being forced to endure synchronized swimming in this dirty cave which was not even fit to be blown up by royalty, and by this... this peasant who had the nerve to name herself after royalty! Dancing Queen, indeed! And fifth, she couldn't see the other LMBPers, which means she couldn't savor their gorgeous forms as they somersaulted and dove under water! If only she had the Eye, she could... Her thoughts were interuppted by, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the sound of Booty Shaker screaming out of the top of his lungs, as... "Pfffffffffffttttttttttttttttt!" his booty began to deflate! And then, "Shriek!" the sound of Dancing Queen shrieking as her magnificent afro wig was being chewed up by... Sharky! Suddenly, the Empress could move again. She immediately rushed over to where Dancing Queen was playing tug-of-war with her afro, and gave her a royally painful slap! And this was the beginning of the most royally magnificent catfight in all of recorded history.
[ December 21, 2003, 02:16 AM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Space Ranger was doing his absolute best not to throw up. First, he had been forced to endure the sight of Booty Shaker's very large booty shaking right in front of his face, and then he had been forced to endure the horrible smell of the mixture of gases that had been released as that very large booty had started to deflate. As he did his best to control his gag reflex, he looked around. The Empress and Dancing Queen and a humongous black afro were all mixed together in a cloud of smoke, with only fists and feet and dandruff-encrusted fake hair protruding. Booty Shaker was ricocheting off the walls, his booty still spewing forth toxic gases, and Semi was trying hard to catch him. But he couldn't see either Vee or Sharky... Suddenly, hhe felt something pull on his leg, and he was unceremoniously jerked under the water. "Mph! Mph!" He couldn't belive what he was seeing. His and Vee's legs were in the clutches of... Sharky?! Space Ranger quickly pried open Sharky's mouth, and the two of them swam up to safety. "You okay?" "Yeah, thanks for the save. Yeesh, the next time I do IT, there won't be any biting involved!" "What's up with Sharky? Why's he acting so weird?" "It's all this salt water from the Eye. It must have reminded Sharky of the oceans of his homeworld, and it's turned him into a full shark again! On the plus side, he took care of the bad guys for us, but on the minus side, he might just take care of us too!" "Can we reverse the process?" "Well, if we keep him out of water long enough, he should calm down again. But first, we have to catch him... and it looks like it's up to the two of us. Everyone else is busy." "Well, then, let's get..." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM! Space Ranger was interrupted as a bomb, (no, not a boom tube!) exploded and the cave's ceiling started to fall down. He sighed. "This just gets better and better."
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Mrvin of the Brood decided that he would never fall asleep without locking his room again. he couldn't belive it. When he finally regained consciousness, Santa Claus was trying to do... well, something really really naughty to him! He couldn't believe it! First the male members, and now him! And to top it all off, Santa nearly squashed him flat when he lost his balance as the sleigh landed! His entire body ached, and his central nervous system was not feeling good. In fact, his whole body was aching, and his insides were churning. He felt like he was frozen and burned at the same time. He tried to raise his head to look for Santa. He needed help fast. "I think... I think I'm mutating!" ************************************************ Santa was rummaging in his bag. He needed ointment to soothe his vital organs from his escapade with the Brood Alien. He needed bandages for the alien whom he had almost rudely squashed when his sleigh had jolted. And he needed a bomb to use to get into the cave, and fast! He didn;t want the Empress to get any crankier! Ah-ha! Found it! Santa grinned as he lit the fuse. He hoped that the Empress would be knocked out by some of the debris from the blast. Maybe it would make her easier to deal with. And maybe he would be able to get incriminating evidence of the naughtiness she was up to down there, so he could dump her on the naughty list. After all, what else could she be possibly doing down there in that dirty, not-fit-to-be-blown-up-by-royalty cave? "HoHoHo, Bombs Away!" *********************************************** Sharky was ruthlessly stalking his prey. It had been a long time since he had done this, but it seemed like it had only been yesterday that he had been swimming around in the oceans of his home and chewing on fat, unsuspecting Moby Dicks.This was the life! Of course, not all prey was good, as he had rudely been reminded of just now. That huge creature that had been shaking a while ago had tasted horrible, and the black tangled mass that he had leapt up out of the air to eat had almost made him vomit! Blech! That white stuff had tasted horrible! He looked around for something else to eat, and he smelled two smells, which should have been familiar. He almost remembered who they were, but those memories were in a part of him that was shut off now. All he could remember was hunger. He swam straight ahead, cleaning his teeth with a large inertron toothpick as he swam. Hey, nobody ever said Sharky was an earth shark!
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Vee couldn't believe what had just happened. The roof of the cave had fallen in, hitting Sharky on the head and knocking him unconscious just as he had leapt out of the air. Another fragment had pinned the rapidly deflating Booty Shaker to the ground, and Semi had quickly shut him up in a cage. Another fragment had knocked out both Dancing Queen and the Empress, and had completely pulverized DQ's horrible afro wig. Thank grife for that, since their screeching had started to get on his nerves. Oddest of all were the two who had saved them, Santa Claus and Marvin of the Brood! Santa Claus! Vee never imagined that he could be real! He hoped that someone on Legion World could make sense out of everything.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Emerald Empress and Dancing Queen were wreaking havoc on Legion World. They had been treated fopr their injuries, and after regaining consciousness, which they magically did at the same time, they had resumed their catfight. They had plowed into the trophy room, caused the mission monitor board to malfunction and had broken the planetary chance machine, causing little planets to fly everywhere and knock people on the head. STU shook his head. What a way to start his term as leader.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Doctor One was shocked, apalled, amazed, stupefied, dumbfounded and just plain surprised by his findings! His examination of Sharky had revealed that he had the ability to transform into any shark species whatsoever from any planet in the universe, when splashed with salt water anyway. Of course, he still had absolutely no control over himself in that form, and they had had a hell of a time getting him to regurgitate Koko. But that was just a minor detail. Even better were the results of Marvin's examination! He cleared his throat. "Now, as you can see, Santa Clauses, er... encounter with Marvin has pushed just the right buttons. The right evolutionary buttons, that is. Apparently, when Brood members are, er... sexually assaulted, a defensive system kicks in, and they DO mutate. Their external form remains the same, but what is the equivalent of a meta-gene is activated inside them. This has never happened before, because no-one else in their right minds would ever attempt to do something naughty with a Brood alien!" Everybody glanced over at santa, who merely shrugged. "Hey, I make it a point to try everything once!" Doctor One shook his head. Santa Claus! hard enough to believe that he was real, but to believe that he was even hornier than Cobalt Kid...! He cleared his throat again. "Well, Marvin has evolved. He is no longer the Brood alien that we once knew. Now, he has the power to..."
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
"..the power to communicate with Martian dogs and attempt to blow up the Earth, as well as to summon crazy black ducks and famous gray bunnies! Ladies and gentlemen, meet Marvin the Martian Brood Alien!"
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Come on, gang, I'm starting to get lonely here...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Pandemonium had erupted on Legion World. The Emerald Empress, who had been greatly and royally angered by both the loss of her harem and the theft of the Emerald Eye, was still engaged in a furious catfight with Dancing Queen. Booty Shaker had reinflated himself and was now busy shaking his booty in the mission monitor board room, so that he could be seen on every vidscreen in Legion World. And Marvin the Martian Brood Alien had wanted to test his newfound powers, so now dozens of Bugs Bunnys, Daffy Ducks and Porky Pigs were running loose on Legion World.
The Great Intellect looked on, and (s)he was very pleased. (S)he was pleased because Rody the Super Rat would probably never be rescued anymore. (S)he was pleased because his/her genetic manipulation of Petty Officer Marvin had yielded such wonderfully chaotic results. (S)he was pleased because (s)he had already been successful in using the male members' members to recreate the Fleshy Penis of Ekron, so it didn't matter one bit if Santa and Marvin had stolen them back from him/her. (S)he had already sapped most of the power from them, and the male members would reduce their owners strength slowly when they were reattached. (S)he was pleased because the LMBP had lost two of its greatest weapons: the Emerald Eye and Abinquank's ring, although they probably hadn't noticed yet that the latter had been cleverly replaced by a fake by one of his/her agents. (S)he was pleased because the LMBPers would never figure out his/her magnificent plan, to recreate the Multi-Colored Thing of Ekron, and (s)he would easily be able to use the finished weapon to destroy Legion World in one fell swoop; (s)he was already working on the Golden Tooth of Ekron. (S)he was already 87% done. And (S)he was pleased because his/her progeny, the Great Intellect Junior, had learned how to say please! Good manners were always useful in dealing and negotiating with other omnipotent and omnipowerful entities, as the Great Intellect's mother had always told him. (S)he leaned back and watched. (S)he would greatly enjoy the chaos on Legion World for a bit longer.
[ December 21, 2003, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Fat Cramer was hissing. The Empress and DQ's catfight had gotten her all excited. After all, she was a cat! Things were chaotic everywhere, and she wished Stoopid Cat was here with her. But no, that idiot had to jump into that time bubble all those years ago, and now he was gone. Fat Cramer shook her head. Now was the time to concentrate. It was up to her to stop that catfight, since most of the others were either wading in the male members' members or busy dealing with those horrible noisy black ducks that kept painting moustaches on people and throwing TNT everywhere. Fat Cramer crept up above her prey. "I'll teach you to force me to dance! And synchronized swimming! A royal personage such as myself does NOT do synchronized swimming! And YOU! You dare call yourself a queen!" "I shore am a Queen! A Dancing Queen! That's what I do, you green haired bimbo!" "You dare! You're just a peasant! You and tthat booty-shaking nitwit!" "Girl, you just insulted my baby! Now you've made me even madder than before!" Fat Cramer shook her head. She had been a Legionnaire for a long time, and had faced dangers that would make even the Lion King weep, dangers that no feline should have to face. But this... this made her want to curl up with some catnip in a nice dark secluded corner where she would be safe. She steeled herself, and jumped. "
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Fat Cramer landed right on Dancing Queen's head, and held on for dear life. Now, you may not know this, but when two royal women who hate each other very much have gotten into a catfight, the catfight will never end until one or both of the women is incapacitated. This is why Fat Cramer immediately began trying to gouge Dancing Queen's eyes out. "Aaiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Evil kitty! Stop that! I'm gonna make you do a catwalk!" Dancing Queen tried to concentrate through the pain, and her ability to cause any living creature to become a dancing fool began to kick in. Fat Cramer dug her claws in deeper, as she tried to resist. ******************************************** Triad Neutral was trying to raise someone on the comlink. Someone who could possibly take care of all these Warner Bros. characters. The hallways were all covered with cream pies, and random explosions kept occuring. Sharky, at least, was having the time as his life as he swallowed ducks and pigs by the dozens, but the bunnies were still too smart and too quick for him. Besides, how can you catch them when they can dig holes throguh concrete and reappear out of nowhere? "C'mon, c'mon, lessee, Hunter I, Hunter II, Tyr, all of them out to lunch! There's got to be someone here! Hey, sisters! Found anything yet? Sisters?" Triad turned around. Her sisters were nowhere to be seen. She tried to feel them through their mental link, but didn't sense anything. They must have been knocked out or something. "What could have happened to them?Huh?" she said as she felt something on her shoulder. "What's up, Doc?" Triad Neutral couldn't help herself. She screamed.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Fat Cramer was starting to lose her grip on Dancing Queen's head. She was doing her best to resist Dancing Queen's powers, but it was getting difficult. She willed herself to resist. She was so close... so close...
Empress decided to close in for the kill write then. She kicked DQ in the stomach with her royal pointy boots. Hard.
Fat Cramer found that she had regained complete control over herself. She seized her chance and dug her claws in. Hard.
Dancing Queen doubled over in pain. And she screamed. Hard.
Cobalt Kid looked up. "Did someone say hard? Guess that's my cue." He concentrated. Hard.
Sharky finally caught up to Booty Shaker, who had been making all of the alternate IDs shake their booties over and over. He leapt up and bit Booty Shaker's big fat booty. Hard.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Now folks, this is the crucial point. The subsequent events happened in an exact split-second sequence, such that a wildly improbable chain reaction occured. A chain reaction which will hopefully wrap up most of this part of the thread so that we can move on. So come on and start posting, I'm getting really really lonely... Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Marvin the Martian Brood Alien felt bad. Most of the chaos here on Legion World was his fault. He was just so excited to finally get powers, and to finally become an active member instead of just an honorary... He wondered what he could do. His newfound abilities had given him immunity to bombs and TNT, but so were the creatures he had summoned. He tried to remember something useful from the cartoons he watched. There had got to be something he could use... ******************************************* Booty Shaker hated sharks. He hated sharks with a hatred that could make Darkseid's hatred for Superman look like a child's grudge. He hated sharks with a hatred that would make the LMBPs hatred for the senseless mutilation of long-standing well-loved characters look like a temper tantrum. He hated sharks because for the second time now, a shark had deflated his big fat booty, and he would have a hell of a time inflating it again. He was ricocheting off the walls with the intesntiy of a pinball in full game mode, and he couldn't stop himself. ********************************* Dancing Queen's ability to turn any living being around here into a dancing fool was going haywire. All over Legion World people and aliens and Warner Bros. cartoon characters were dancing like mad. Doctor One was twirling around like a ballerina. Sharky was thrashing around on the floor. Cobalt and Numf-el were waltzing together. The Emerald Empress was doing the routine she had performed at the royal ball. Of particular interest were the Bugs Bunnys and Daffy Ducks doing a wonderfully synchronized chorus line right in front of the Threshold chamber. Off all the people on Legion World, only three were not affected: Booty Shaker, who was still bouncing around like mad; Marvin the Martian Brood Alien, who was still safe because he was wearing his special Brood Issue Tinfoil helmet (hey, that's the strongest metal they have in wherever the hell they come from), and Fat Cramer, who was safe because she was hidden in Dancing Queen's telepathy-proof afro wig. But Fat Cramer was beginning to regret it. The wig was just too full of dandruff, and her own luxurious fur was starting to tangle up in it. She would have to end this fast.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Marvin was clicking through the cartoon archives, looking for ideas. Wile E. Coyote? forget it, he can't even catch a crzay bird on steroids. Sylvester? No, the last thing Legion World needed right now was a bunch of anvils falling out of nowhere. Tweety? Well, if he wanted to summon Fat Cramer, that might be useful. Tazmanian Devil? Legion World would be a wasteland in minutes. Marvin was getting impatient. He had already thought of summoning his namesake, but the real Marvin the Martian would probably end up blowing Legion World up. Marvin sighed. He was running out of cartoons. He picked up the last disk and slipped it in. What he saw made him grin, a very frightening Brood grin that made the Porky Pig clone in front of him wet itself. He had found the perfect solution. ******************************************* Bugs Bunny was having the time of his life. In the past 24 hours he had kissed more weirdos, blown up more sticks of TNT and dug more holes than he had in the last 5 years of his career. He had now put such a distance between him and Daffy Duck on the all-time cartoon icon status ranking that the latter had no hopes whatsoever of catching up, especially since Daffy and all his "clones" couldn't help themselves and were dancing like crazy. Bugs chuckled. Since he was the original Bugs, he had enough wackiness to make him immune to the powers of that weird afro-wearing woman. This was just perfect. Now there was only one thing left to do. He rapped on the door of the medical lab. "Hey, you in there, Doc? Take me to your leader. I want to join you guys!" In the whole of Legion history, no more fateful words have ever been uttered.
[ December 22, 2003, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Bugs Bunny was getting impatient. Nobody had seemed to notice him, and all the maroons were still busy dancing. He was debating whether to blow open the door, when it finally opened... and Elmer Fudd, wearing a tinfoil version of his trademark cap, stepped out! "Hewo, wabbit!" Bugs smiled. He had missed the big palooka. He was so innocent, so gullible... The perfect patsy. ************************************************* Fat Cramer was NOT having the time of her life. She was trying to edge Dancing Queen over to the Threshold, so that she could be gotten rid of and everyone could stop the crazy dancing. She was digging her claws into Dancing Queen's skull bit by bit, trying to move her in the right direction. It was working, but it was excruciatingly slow and she was beginning to suffocate inside the wig. A little bit more... ****************************************** Bugs was running for his life. Well, not for his life; Elmer Fudd couldn't hit the side of a barn the size of Daffy Duck's ego. But it felt exhilirating. He was having the time of his life. He decided to stop and rest for a moment. After all, he had left Elmer behind a long time ago, and where was the fun in not tormenting him? He rounded the corner, to find the muzzle of a nasty-looking ray gun pointing right in his face. "There you are, you stupid bunny! Now it's time to settle the score!" Great. Just great. Daffy Duck. He must have been immune to DQ's effects too. Makes sense, he was crazier than the rest of the Looney Tunes combined. "Why, you rotten bunny! Dragging me here! It's your fault! It must have been! And now you're going to join forces with these crazy alien creatures and turn on me! Well, I won't stand for it! I won't! You hear me!" Nugs heard, all right, but he just didn't care. He was thinking. If he could time this just right... He used his super sensitive bunny ears to listen. Elmer was just a few meters away now... Closer, closer...
[ December 22, 2003, 12:47 AM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Marvin was watching the mission monitor board. He hoped that Fat Cramer and Elmer Fudd would be succesful in their attempts at ending the chaos. For his part, he was preparing to go after Booty Shaker, who was still rapidly deflating and was bouncing everywhere like mad. He was just about to finish checking his ray gun when he heard a commotion coming from the board. He looked over there, abd dropped the gun on the floor. He couldn't believe what was happening.
(interlude) Now this is the tricky part, so if you want to understand what happens next, you have got to pay attention! Heck, I;m the one writing and I can't even understand what's going on myself! (end interlude)
Bugs Bunny was counting down mentally. He had successfully shut out Daffy's raving, but as usual the foul-mouthed fowl hadn't noticed. As long as he made no sudden movements, Daffy would just keep blathering on. Elmer was sneaking up behind him... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... "Ahha! I've got you now, you wascally wabbit!" Elmer fired. Bugs jumped out of the way just in time. The bullet hit Daffy, effectively shutting him up and knocking him out for an indefinite period of time. Just as he fell uncpnsciousness, he pressed the button on his ray gun, which shot an energy blast at the airlock, opening up a big hole and causing Daffy and ray gun to get sucked out. At just that moment, Booty Shaker came bouncing over, knocking Elmer Fudd on the head and causing him to faint. Coincidentally, Booty Shaker bounced back, hitting Dancing Queen on the head, and knocking her into the Threshold Fat Cramer was edging her into. Luckily, Fat Cramer was able to jump out off the way in time, jumping right onto Booty Shaker. The added weight caused Booty Shaker to change trajectory, bumping into the long line of Bugs and Daffy "clones" who were doing a chorus line, causing a domino effect which caused the "clones" to fall into the Threshold too. And finally, Fat Cramer used her wieght to aim Booty Shaker right for the airlock, where he was sucked outside, and just floated aimlessly. Bugs Bunny shut the airlock just in time, and Fat Cramer made a nice three-point landing. Marvin just stood there, his mouth gaping open. "That's it? That's it? Darn useless Elmer Fudd..."
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
And just like that, everything quiete down on Legion World. Booty Shaker was caught once more and imprisoned in Santa's big toy sack. Greybird Boy was able to track down Dancing Queen, and they dumped her in a tinfoil and inertron cage where she couldn't affect anyone. Santa, Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd and Marvin the Martian Brood Alien were formally inducted as active LMBPers. Doctor One and Invisible Brainiac were working on a way to reattach all the male members' members. In the meantime, the Empress was enjoying the use of some of those members, and so were some of the gay LMBpers. Sharky was also exploring his newfound ability to turn into any exisitng shark species. Fat Cramer pondered all this as she curled up with her favorite catnip ball. She knew that the LMBP would have to rest first, to savor the moment, before worrying about their immediate problems. Namely, the loss of both the Emerald Eye and Abin Quank's power ring, and the rescues of Rody the Super Rat and Harbinger, wherever they were. Fat Cramer sighed. This was probably just the calm before the storm.
The Great Intellect was still pleased. He was pleased because the Multi-Colored Thing of Ekron was now 98% complete. He was pleased because the Emerald Eye had been bent to his will. He was pleased because he had made an enlarged copy of Abin Quank's power ring, and had put it on the Orange Ring Finger of Ekron. He was pleased because the original ring was working perfectly for him. He was pleased because Rody the Super rat's rescue was becoming more and more unlikely by the moment. And he was pleased because the spy he had put on Legion World was going to destroy the LMBP for him. There was no stopping him now. He threw back his head and laughed.
Posted by Numf El on :
--------------
IB - fantastic stuff you've been writing. I can understand you getting a bit lonely - more people should be at least letting you know that you're input's being enjoyed - or preferably joining in the fun and writing some input to the story - even if it's just taking a handful of characters on a complete tangent.
So, come on you lot , join in.
They say that everybody's got a good story in them - you've had mine, so it's your turn.
Okay, back to my cell.
No, don't hit me, I'm going...
-----------
Posted by Space Ranger on :
---------------------Quaalude------------------
"Trixie, Get yer Pixie ass in here, Didja tink I rehibernated yer ass ta sit onna desk an swing yer legs all day? I want ya ta go to da Philipines an get dis Indivisible Brainiac charikter under contract. An' remememberer I said unner contract Not Unner Da Sheets Kids unnerage, so keep yer panties on!
Oh an if her nibs is back from Scotland yet tell er that Numfbie's been sighted, so she better get her ass back ta Aberdeeen like rite now!"
---------Quaalude wears off----------------------
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Thanks for the kind words, both of you. Guess we have something in common, cause I love your stuff too Yeah, let's get busy, people! Just not in bed or anything Posted by Fat Cramer on :
You were on a roll there, IB. It would have been a shame to interrupt! Nice to see dem ole satan claws getting a workout in the interests of truth and justice....
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Thanks, FC. Nice to hear from the star of the thread, or at least my posts Posted by STU on :
Bravo! More! Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Thanks, Stu, but I'm afraid I'm out of steam for now... Anyone else wanna pick up where we left off?
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Edie Tor’s Note: Da neatest ting abouts time traabel stories is dat ya can fit dem in like anywheres in a story arc. So’s ifin ya wants ta tie dis up inna nice neet package like ya gots ta go backta page 10 ta see what happen when Dusty an’ Rody first arribed in da past. Or iffen ya wants ta gets a feel-up o’ how dis hole adbenture goes, ya gots ta go back ta page 1, BUT makes absoliturry sure yer Laughter Insurance Premiums is paid.
Now Backs ta our sorta story….
The sight of a green energy beam flashing out of Cloned Green Pig’s Ass just might give some people (or cats) the idea that maybe they should stop and figure out what’s going on before continuing on with their original intentions. Unfortunately, Stoopid Cat is not one of them. He had an idea once. He killed it and ate it. Then coughed it up as a hairball and promptly forgot about it. So, the only effect that the green energy ball had on him was to change the direction of his wild charge. Unfortunately he was now charging around the inside of a ball. Even for Stoopid Cat it quickly became a pointless exercise. So he took his usual course of action when faced with an obstacle that he couldn’t shred; he lay down and took a nap.
Now admittedly, floating around in a green energy bubble would be disconcerting to most sentient beings but that presupposes that the sentient being in question is smart enough to be disconcerted. Stoopid Cat is not smart enough. Actually Stoopid cat is only considered sentient because of his semi-unique ability to speak human languages. He is pugnacious, perpetually hungry, perverse, and several other not so flattering things starting with “P” (Or any other letter you choose, provided that the “not so flattering” appellation is appropriate).
Stoopid cat was an ordinary housecat who one day in the distant past ran afoul of the mysterious and vaguely powerful sorcerer STURat. STURat was a mousey little fellow at the time (rumor has it he was going by the name STUGerbil back then) and Stoopid Cat was in the mood for a quick lunch.
Stoopid Cat has always been inordinately proud of his skill as a Mouser. It’s just that he’s not always sure what is or isn’t a mouse. As far as he’s concerned, if it goes around on four legs and isn’t some form of cat, it’s a mouse. And everyone knows that cats catch mice. Ergo he has attacked cows, horses, dogs and kangaroo’s thinking that they were mice. Amazingly he won every fight. Well, admittedly on at least one occasion (an elephant, I believe) the “mouse” threw in the towel while ahead on points. Some wags suggest that Pagan Lass had a hand in that but Stoopid Cats official record is 10,714 – 1 – 3. (He doesn’t know that of course, the record was compiled by Tom, of Tom & Jerry Fame, who is the president of Stoopid Cat’s Fan Club.)
But I digress. So let’s get back to the story.
Anyway, STUGerbil and Stoopid Cat first met in the land that would later be known as Egypt. At the time STUGerbil was an apprentice to the Master Sorcerer known as Numb-Nuts the Semi-Incomprehensible. NNtSI needed an apprentice because he lived up to his name and STUGerbil was the only being within a thousand cubits who could understand the Master Sorcerer’s spoken hieroglyphics. (Hint: Ever tried to speak in hieroglyphics? It’ll tie your tongue in three knots before you can say hello.)
Stoopid Cat was the chief mouser in the Pre-Pharaoh’s household. (Look it was Pre-Egyptian times, so the country was ruled by a Pre-Pharaoh. I have no idea how they knew to call him that but they did) and the Pre-Pharaoh, Abu Nabu Bejabu, by name, had journeyed to the small town where Numb-Nuts the Semi-Incomprehensible lived to ask him a very important question.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
That question may or may not have been “How do I get rid of this Stoopid Cat?”
The question, long lost to history, is not really important. What is important is the fact that Stoopid Cat in his usual rambunctious fashion greeted Numb-Nuts the Semi-Incomprehensible by swatting his apprentice (STUGerbil) across the floor. It was an event which would send ripples through the time stream from the dawn of pre-history to our current age. Let us take a journey into the mysterious past to witness the scene as it unfolded…
It was a hot, wet, cold, and dusty morning as the sun set behind the far off mountains as it usually did that time of year. In later centuries the sun would change it’s habits and set in the evening instead of the morning but unfortunately this story occurred during an era when the Almost Sun God, Pre-Ra and the Almost Moon God, Pre-Khons were experimenting with how days should work. They didn’t have it quite right yet. In fact only two of the Pre-Egyptian Deities had their acts down pat during this era; Rota-Pelvis the Music God of Memphis and Bast the Goddess of Cats.
The Pre-Egyptian Music Gods Rota-Pelvis and the Vulva-Seekers had retired to Pre-Memphis along the banks of the Soon to be Nile River, leaving in their wake a pair of blue suede sandals and thousands of broken hearted Pre-Egyptian teenage girls clutching empty Eskimo Pie wrappers (Eskimo Pies were invented by the Pre-Egyptian God Rota-Pelvis and were the original “Food of the Gods”, Ambrosia replaced them many centuries later only to be displaced again when Rota-Pelvis was reincarnated). Life in the small village of Not-Named-Yet was slowly returning to pre-normality after the dramatic ending of the festival of the Music God. The final number of the festival, that enormously popular Pre-Egyptian Love Song, “Blue Suede Camel Hotel Heartbreak” left the audience in awe, several Pre-Groupies and Almost-Camels pregnant, and Numb-Nuts the Semi-Incomprehensible with Pre-Excedrin Headache Number (-23)
Into all of this rode the Pre-Pharaoh’s entourage. Abu Nabu Bejabu, despite the way his name sounds, was a wise and just ruler. This actually means, when you consider the era in which he ruled, that he traveled with a large number of burly guard type individuals who took great pride in their skills with the “Long Knife” and practiced them often. Usually on members of the Pre-Egyptian general populace who happened to annoy the Pre-Pharaoh by existing. He was also wise enough to time his arrival in the area of Not-Named-Yet so that he and his entourage would miss the dramatic ending of the festival of the Music God, thereby sparing himself a major headache and the lives of many festival goers. Little things like that count for a lot when one wants to be known as a wise and just ruler.
NNtSI, lived in a large Tetrahedron on the edge of Not-Named-Yet due to the fact that pyramids hadn’t been invented yet. It was a lonely and thankless existence for the Master Sorcerer, considering that with the exception of half a google of young and nubile slaves he and his apprentice STUGerbil were entirely alone. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Pre-Egyptian numerical system a google is equal to two hands plus two feet time two hands plus two feet or considering the number of people who were missing various digits could be anywhere from one to one hundred. In this case it was 120. Master Sorcerers can do that.
Okay, is everyone still with me? Because the stage is now set for the first meeting between STU and Stoopid Cat…
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
The Master Sorcerer said, in an ancient Egyptian dialect used only by the sorcerer class, "ƒ¥¤ƒ¥P¦¦»_¿ºº¦ò!"
Posted by Stoopid Cat on :
**Rawl**
Don't talk so Dirty, Sis. You'll ruin your squeeky clean image.
**Purr**
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Firstly, Inivs B, I loved your story! Marvin the Martian of the Brood ! I love it! Nice work, I want to see more of it!
Secondly, Chuck, as always, I've been laughing my ass off! "It was a hot, wet, cold, dusty...": the little parts of your humor that catch me off guard
And everyone else, let's see some more! FC, we love it when you join in! Numf, I hope you're getting a second wind! And Harbinger, I demand that you post ! Vee, Quis, EDE, everyone else, that goes for you too!
*end interlude*
[ December 27, 2003, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Meanwhile, back in our own time, the LMB gathered around to discuss the next stage of their plan, going after the mastermind trying to assemble the Multi-colored thing of Ekron, otherwise known by the horrifying name of Rainbow Man of Ekron! While new LMBers Marvin the Martian of the Brood, Santa Claus, Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd were welcomed through a traditional multi-galactic keggar, Stu was forced to go over strategy with He Who Wanders and Doctor One. Unfortunately, He Who Wanders was off wandering, and Princess Crujectra had to fill in and help out.
Suddenly, while holding up Space Ranger for a keg-stand with Cobalt Kid and Lardy, Abin Quank realized that the ring on his finger was in fact a fake! Knowing that he had a mental connection to his real ring, he might be able to... no, he was too drunk to figure it out! Cobalt thought about it too, but...no luck! Lash and Danny Blaine considered it: a mental connection with the ring, need to find the ring, maybe he could...nope, time for a shot!
Finally Inivisible Brainiac accidently went invisible while trying to get a glance of the Emerald Empress taking a shower when his intellect kicked in and he realized Abin could track down the real ring and take the LMBP to the Rainbow Man of Ekron! There, they could find the mastermind who had started all this trouble.
"We have another problem!" yelled Semi from the monitor room! "Mean Old Hero had been spotted at the Klorndy festival, he is threatening to destroy every penis and vagina there!" "Outrageous" screamed Poverty Lad, the master of one-liners! Stu took over: "Cobalt, you, Santa, Sharky, Fat Cramer, Poverty Lad, Kara and Homecoming Queen go after Mean Old Hero"
"Doctor One, you, Invisible Brainiac and Greybird Boy keep working on a way to reattach the penis's of the LMBers and how to go back in time to save Rody and Dusty!"
"Super Lad Kid, you go stop a revolt of dragons in the 3883rd sector"
"Kid Prime, assemble a secret team to find out what happened to EDE"
"Bugs, you try to get Numf so drunk he spills the beans about what happened to Harbinger"
"The rest of us are going to find the Rainbow Man of Ekron!"
"Oh, and Worthless Dude, you stay on Monitor Duty"
"Cool" replied the Worthless bastard, as everyone gave him a look. Sadly, they were unaware that he would be killed very shortly somewhere in the next few pages.
------------------------
Everyone, however, was still wondering about the great confrontation of Stoopid Cat and StuGerbil all those millenia ago...
------------------------
And who was the traitor that lurked within the halls of the LMB Mansion? No one knew for sure, although he talked kinda funny...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
STUGerbil stood next to the Master Sorcerer, Numb-Nuts the Semi Incomprehensible, and watched as the Pre Pharaoh’s entourage arrived outside the massive tetrahedron. (Okay, admit it, you all knew that a pyramid is a tetrahedron, but a tetrahedron isn’t necessarily a pyramid, didn’t you?) Behind them the massive multi colored thing of Pre-Egypt, (which in an untold story that hadn’t happened yet, but will happen later but might never be told, because this is just so confusing, left the earth and mutated into the massive multi colored thing of Ekron) pulsed a blinding warning. Luckily they were both wearing their cool shades which oddly enough had been imported from Pre-Legion World by an ancestor of Pre-Cobalt Kid, who sold cool things out of the Secret Trophy Cave Hideout located in a secret location on the other side of Not-Named-Yet.
Unfortunately for our heroes, which happen to be STUGerbil and Numb-Nuts the Semi-Incomprehensible in case anyone is confused, while polarizing lenses hadn’t been invented yet polarizing actions had. And the actions being taken outside the pyramid shaped tetrahedron by the wise and just Pre-Pharaoh’s full google (in this case 76, but I have no idea why) of burly guard type individuals who took great pride in their skills with the “Long Knife” and practiced them often, could definitely be considered Polarizing.
Polarizing because they immediately began lining up siege engines and preparing to assault the tetrahedron. Polarizing because all 76 of the large burly guard type individuals drew their “Long Knives” in a single well practiced motion. Polarizing because the Pre-Pharaoh strode to the front of his troops and unleashed the single most feared engine of destruction in the entire arsenal of the Pre-Egyptian army, Stoopid Cat!
“I thought you said they were coming for peaceful negotiations?” STUGerbil commented as he observed the actions of the rapidly deploying forces.
= 556; = 550; = 556; , answered NNtSI, Which once again both amazed STUGerbil with his mastery of spoken hieroglyphics and at the same time irritated him with the name, Grasshopper.
Just perhaps, STUGerbil was spared any further embarrassment by the movements outside, because as he was about to mention to NNtSI that he was not a geeky white dude pretending to be a Shao-Lin Monk, a movement caught his eye.
“Look, Master, The cat is approaching the walls. Should we do something?”
STUGerbil paused and looked down at his gerbil body – The greatest rodent catcher in the world? Still it was just a cat and he was a vaguely powerful wizard. He could handle any cat.
But before STUGerbil could think about the knowledge his master had imparted to him, Stoopid Cat was there. A paw half the size of STUGerbil’s body lashed out and…
Posted by Abin Quank on :
quote:Originally posted by Cobalt Kid: *interlude*
Firstly, Inivs B, I loved your story! Marvin the Martian of the Brood ! I love it! Nice work, I want to see more of it!
Secondly, Chuck, as always, I've been laughing my ass off! "It was a hot, wet, cold, dusty...": the little parts of your humor that catch my off guard
And everyone else, let's see some more! FC, we love it when you join in! Numf, I hope you're getting a second wind! And Harbinger, I demand that you post ! Vee, Quis, EDE, everyone else, that goes for you too!
*end interlude*
* More Interlude*
Cobie, It appears great minds think alike. But, what that has to do with us I haven't got the foggiest idea. Oh Yeah, the Multi colored thing, thing. Don't let the origin that's maybe or maybe not coming up affect your story. (as Lash would say at this point *Tee Hee*)
Oh, and to all the rest of you, especially you Harbinger, Get writing and posting!
** Re-End Interlude **
[ December 27, 2003, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
* Invisible Interlude*
Cobie, thanks for the kind words. But you I can't post without your posts setting up the next few story arcs yet. You're the one who always sets things up for us. Glad you like my modification of Marvin, I figured we could get some wackiness out of it.
Abin Quank, I love the origin story you're coming up with, it's worthy and very nicely written.
Numf-el, Harbinger, Fat Cramer, and everyone else, come on and jump right in! Feel free to add your own brand of wackiness! Cobalt's post summarized things quite nicely, so pick one and get posting!!!
**end invisible interlude**
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Just a note to remind you that you promised that the following dangling plotlines would be cleared up soon: 1. Cobalt Kid’s Painful Rectal Itching. 2. The Nurswery Wime Way 3. Harbinger taking a shower 4. Brood Shit 5. Pagan Lass taking a shower 6. Umber & the Boyz giving Botox Injections 7. Crujectra Taking a shower 8. Harbi & Sonnie’s argument 9. Emerald Empress taking a shower 10. The Fate of the two Lori Mornings 11. Crujectra taking a shower. 12. Something Amazing’s Tee Shirt 13. King Kong in EE’s Harem 14. What happened to Slaughterhawk, Bloodbath, & Avengline? 15. Wart-world around Uranus & the Super Moby Dick of Space 16. Everyday girl’s transgressions 17. The Flying Haggis Sisters 18. Crujectra taking a Bath 19. The identity of “C” 20. Lash Taking a shower
Get it done!
Phineas B. Fuddle, Publisher.
-------------------------------------------------Quaalude Wears Off--------------------------------------------------
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
While Stoopid Cat and STUgerbil were facing off in ancient Egypt, in another place, a long time later, Crujectra was enjoying a hot shower. It was her second shower of the day, and had followed a bath. It was so rare that she was able to shower without some storyline interrupting her, she had decided to make the most of it.
"Well, I can't have my delicate skin wrinkling," she said to herself as she turned off the water, wrapped herself in a large, soft towel and quietly walked off to her room for a pleasant snooze. As she was falling asleep, she sighed contentedly. "That takes care of dangling plotlines 7, 11 and 18," she said to no one in particular.
Meanwhile, Harbinger and Pagan Lass were also taking showers. Pagan Lass was using her special mistletoe shampoo and Harbinger was singing old show tunes. "This is so much better than arguing with Numf-el in Aberdeen, " she shouted to Pagan Lass in the next stall. "Thanks for casting that spell to teleport me out of there. It was cold and damp, and I was getting hungry."
"No problem at all, Binger," replied Pagan Lass. "I could sense that you wanted to get out of there. I just hope Numf-el is content with being sent to that Strip Club on Rimbor."
"Well, that takes care of dangling plotlines 3, 5 and 8 - unless someone wants to start up our argument again," Harbinger stated.
"Lash! Lash!" shouted Pagan Lass. "You're going to run out of hot water soon. We're done here. Want me to scrub your back?"
"Uh, no thanks, Pagan Lass. I'm done here anyways. That was a great shower, and that wraps up dangling plotline #20. Now on to something a little more interesting. Chili Sauce!"
[ December 28, 2003, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: Fat Cramer ]
Posted by Abin Quank on :
---------------Quaalude-------------------------
"Jeese, dat Fat Cramer chippie sure is da like quick one. Half da list alreadily done. Trixie, 'mind me ta make sure she gets a nice bonus dis month. Mebie a weekend on Summer World, or sumtin like dat. It'd be a whole week, like, but she fergot da Emerald Empress.
[ December 28, 2003, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Meanwhile, the Emerald Empress was taking a shower with King Kong. Little did she know that King Kong was actually not King Kong at all, but Cobalt Kid in a gorilla suit! Wearing the gorilla suit in the shower was the best way to cure rectal itching Doctor One had told him, although Cobalt was too drunk to realize he was being fucked with. Luckily Doctor One spiked his drink with a cure for it anyway! With #1, 9 and 13 out of the way, the rest of the LMBP prepared to all go on their separate missions.
Suddenly, Everyday Girl ran through headquarters into the Monitor Room believing that the LMBP were playing a joke on her, when she was actually being haunted by two ghosts! What she saw was the Worthless Dude, an LMBer that no one cared about or even liked! He was decapitated, with his eyes gouged out, his limbs torn asunder and hot acid poured down his torso!
Who had done this evil deed? Why, it was the LMBP traitor...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...Elmer Fudd! Joining with Santa, Marvin the Martian of the Brood and Bugs Bunny, Elmer was actually the super-traitor!
Evil to the bone, Elmer chuckled! Not only did he despise that wascally wabbit, but he haited all things that were good, or at least semi-good! In fact, shock followed shock, as Elmer looked back on his origin: similar to Saga of the Swamp Thing #21 by Alan Moore, Elmer believed he was an animated cartoon who believed he was a stupid rabbit hunter, when he really was a Giant Demon from hell that believed he was an evil Robot conquerer from outer Space!
Fudd laughed again at such a dumb origin, and took his new 1990's Image/Marvel name: Death Blood! Death Blood summoned his agents: Slaughter Hawk, Avegline and Bloodbath, as he spoke to the mastermind behind the terrible conspiracy of the Rainbow Man of Ekron!
Little did the LMBPers led by StuRat realize that they were now headed right for a trap! Stu's team was virtually the whole LMB: Space Ranger, StuRat, Princess Crujectra, Lard Lad, Hummer Lass, Abin Quank, Harbinger, Numf-El, Bugs Bunny, Lash Lad, Sonnie, Danny Blaine, Vee, Semi, Outdoor Miner, Arachne, and everyone else that weren't on Cobalt Kid's mission (stick to continuity!!!) or Kid Prime's secret mission (as yet to be named!)
Despite this incredible display of power, the LMBPers were headed into a terrible trap! The mastermind smiled knowing that Death Blood and his three minions would cut them off and then be joined by Wartworld (which was still approaching Uranus) and the King of Super Moby Dicks! A great battle was on the horizen!
Is the LMBP doomed?
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Meanwhile, Doctor One, Invisible Brainiac and Greybird Boy continued to build the device needed to restore all of the fallen penis's to the LMBP and denizens of Legion World!
Nightcrawler walked in, since he, Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl were the founders of the Legion World and were always present on it. The weilded great power, although there curse was that they could never leave Legion World. Therefore, the turned it into the great place that it was.
Nighty looked at Invisible B and Grey, who were watching Casablanca on the viewscreen. "Aren't you guys supposed to be hard at work?" he asked. "No, we're done. The device is right there" they said pointing to a remote control. "So? Where's Doctor One?" "OH! He's getting popcorn. Just hit the red button."
Nightcrawler, shrugging his shoulders, hit the button, and suddenly "boop", everyone had their penis back! Too bad that the mastermind's plan had already suceeded in getting the power he needed, but at least everyone got their jimmy back. There would sure be a lot of sex and masterbation tonight after this good news !
Anyway, back to the story at hand, Stu's massive team of LMBers were headed into a deadly trap...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
But in the meantime, we will head back to Legion World first so that Kid Prime's team can leave.
Invisible Brainiac, Doctor One and Greybird were having the time of their lives watching Casablanca. Unfortunately, I cannot comment on the film since I never watched it, so all I can post here are vague comments of approval. "Wow, it's so dramatic!" "(choke) (sniff) I'm going to cry!" "I'm going to make you cry, all right!" said Kid Prime as he came from behind and knocked their heads together. "Saturn Girl has been trying to contact you for the last half hour! We're supposed to be tracking down EDE, the two Lori Mornings, Abin Quank's power ring and the Empress' Emerald Eye! Not to mention the source of the Nursewy Wime Way!" "But we've already solved the problem of that last one." said Doctor One, trying to ease the pain of his aching head. "It was just Santa Claus testing out one of the new toys in his workshop. (and that takes care of #2.)" "Okay, okay, good work then. Now come on, we still have a lot of work to do!" Kid Prime said as he dragged Invisible Brainiac away, since the head-knocking had made knocked him unconscious, which is what usually happens when three hard skulls are knocked against each other by a strong mechanical being, and your skull is in the middle of the three. "I still have to get the rest of the team ready, but since STU took most of the LMBP, we'll have to serach every nook and cranny on Legion World just to put together a team large enough to handle the two Lori Mornings! Now get off your butts and let's get going!" ******************************** Marvin the Martian of the Brood was pleased with himself. Not only had he saved Legion World bu summoning Bugs Bunny, but he had become an active LMBPer and he had also talked his Brood brothers into leaving Legion World alone (which takes care of #4), and now he was going on his very first official mission as a member of the LMBP! He looked around. So far only Everyday Girl, ActorLad, the americommando and Saturnrings had shown up for the mission. "So, do you think we'll run into any super-powered demigods who will try to kill us?" Nobody answered him, though. The first three were still busy oohing and aaahing over Legion World, as they were still new, and Saturnrings was still looking for Saturn Girl, whom she still firmly believed was the Saturn Girl from the comic books. Marvin sighed. He hoped Kid Prime got here soon. "Servant! Get my new pet a cushion!" Marvin turned around to see the Empress (minus the Emerald Eye) yelling at no-one in particular, with Pagan Lass, Globe Girl and King Kong as the new permanent members of her entourage! "Pagan Lass? But I thought you were lost in time with Stoopid Cat!" "I was, but then I was brought here during the time fluctuations a while back, and the Empress here has been teaching me how to be regal and royal!" Pagan Lass said with a flip of her extremely long hair. "Great, now we'll have two royal pain..." "Is everyone ready?" said Kid Prime, walking in with Greybird, a still unconscious Invisible Brainiac and a Senor Widebottom who was trying to extricate himself from his humorously oversized pantaloons. "Okay, gang, we have a big mission ahead of us. Somewhere out there, one of our most important members, as well as two of the most powerful weapons in the galaxy, and two of the most annoying people in the entire universe are out there, waiting for us to get them. We are the only ones left who can get them, as most of the LMBP are already on other missions and the remaining male members will not go with us as they are still enjoying their newly returned members. So let us go, because the safety of the universe just might rest in our hands!" Kid Prime paused to let everything sink in. He loved gviing inspirational speeches. He watched as all the assembled LMBPers looked at one another, and slowly turned their heads to look at him. He smiled. They would be cheering so loudly... "Slave! I said get my new pet a pillow!" "Saturn Girl! Where are you! Please give me an autograph! Look, I'm your number one fan!" "Oh, curse these humorously oversized pantaloons of mine! I can't even find my other arm!" "Oh, Empress, you are so royal!" "Hey, who summoned this Sylvester Cat fellow???" "Oops, sorry about that!" "Hey, what happened to Invisible Brainiac?" "Hey, look, everybody, I'm acting like Kid Prime!" "Hey, Nobody is touching me!" Kid Prime wanted to weep. Why, oh why, didn't he go with STU's group and let someone else get this headache?
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Lightning Lad wanted to tos his cookies. Worthless Dude had smelled even worse dead than he had alive, not that he had imagined it possible. He had nearly fainted trying to remove the corpse. Now, Lightning Lad may seem callous to you, but really, nobody had even cared for worthless dude as he had been especially created just to show how evil Elmer Fudd really was. In toher words, we had just been making use of the "kill-of-a-worthless-character-that-only-the-most-obsessed-of-fan-boys-will-miss-and-threaten-the-writers-about-just-so-we-can-show-how-evil-the-bad-guy-is-rule", or the "cannon fodder rule". Lightning Lad watched as Kid Prime and his team, which consisted of Greybird, Invisible Brainiac, Marvin the Martian of the Brood, the Empress (minus the Emerald Eye), Pagan Lass, Globe Girl, King Kong, Senor Widebottom, Saturnrings, Everyday Girl, americommando and Actor Lad left the hangar bay. Another cruiser full of those male members who had decided to enjoy the return of their members first had just departed to join STU's team, still having fun with their male members, mostly on each other or on fake toys. Lightning Lad hoped they wouldn't crash into anything this time. He checked the mission monitor board. Cobalt Kid, Fat Cramer, Santa Claus, Homecoming Queen, Sharklad, Poverty Lad and Kara were off chasing Mean Old Hero, and pretty much the rest of the LMBP was off looking for the Rainbow man of Ekron, which Dancing Queen and Booty Shaker had spilled the beans about during their interrogation. Rody the Super Rat was still lost somewhere in time. The only ones left on Legion World were Saturn Girl, Nightcrawler, Tromium Crystal (who was still learning how to levitate himself properly), new members Blacula, esk and FunTimeFerro, Super Lad Kid, who had just returned from beating up the space dragons, Doctor One, who had managed to escape from Kid Prime, and himself. Lightning Lad just wanted to enjoy the quiet on Legion World, for as long as it could possibly last.
[ January 04, 2004, 12:32 AM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Great Intellect was very pleased. All he had to do was finish duplicating the multi-colored hairs of Ekron and the Rainbow Man would be finished. There were brunette hairs on the chest area, the right part of which was a male's chest and the left part of which was a female chest. There were red hairs on the arms, strawberry blonde hairs on the face, brown hairs on the back, and a mixture of hairs on the naughty parts. The Rainbow Man had both male and female parts, so perhaps it was more correct to call it a Rainbow Sentient. Whatever it would be called, it would ne finished soon. The Great Intellect was thinking where to send it first. It wouldn't be much use sending it against the massive team of LMBPers heading this way, since they would probably be destroyed already. The best choice would be to eliminate the source of the LMBP, the home of its wacky members, the source of the ever-growing thorn in his side. He would send it to Legion World.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
It’s not easy (or safe) to surprise a Master Sorcerer; unless, of course, you happen to be a Goddess.
Bast, the Pre-Egyptian Goddess of Cats, did not fear the wrath of Numb-Nuts the Semi-Incomprehensible. She materialized inside the tetrahedron astride a Numedian Lion just as he was launching a bolt of Mystic Energy designed to vaporize Stoopid Cat on the spot.
quote:
** Eddie Tor’s Note **
“look fer easy of readin’, da Master Sorcerer’s woids will now be translaterid from speakin Heiroglyps ta plain ol engrish. Dis is because dere’s nobody ta gives youse guys da idea o’ wot he’s sayin’. An’ also because da stupid MB transliterates da wingding tings dat should appears inta little squares an’ funky like nummers. Okay?
** Eddie Tor’s Note Over Wit **
“Hold, Master Sorcerer!” She cried, as soon as her vocal cords appeared in this universe. She assumed that he would know what to hold when she cried that. Pre-Egyptian Goddesses were big on assumptions that mere mortals would know just what they were talking about. And she was intentionally vague because she would have found it highly amusing if he had grabbed his neither regions (Which of course assumes that master sorcerers have neither regions). Pre-Egyptian Goddesses were also very big on amusing themselves but since batteries hadn’t been invented yet their methods were quite crude.
Luckily he held the appropriate thing, which of course assumes that you all know what the appropriate thing is, or was, or will be; but anyway, he held it and it was the right choice.
Now for anyone other than a Master Sorcerer stopping a Mystic Energy bolt once it had been gathered and readied for launch would be a nearly impossible task. But since NNtSI was indeed a Master Sorcerer, he simply pulled it down and put it into his pocket. Which is far easier said than done. I mean just think about it. Would you walk around all day with a mystic energy bolt primed and ready to go off in your pocket, right next to your neither region? Which assumes of course that you have a neither region, you do don’t you?
“Why do you intervene, Goddess?” He asked, ignoring what he had just done. “What is that Stoopid Cat to you?”
For a split eon, Bast stared at the Master Sorcerer, dumbfounded by what she had just witnessed. It should be noted at this point that while Bast’s primary mission was to save Stoopid cat from total destruction, she had a secondary purpose in visiting the Master Sorcerer. At the time she was the only fully formed god or goddess in the Pre-Egyptian Pantheon. That means that she was the only one with 100% fully functional parts, get the picture? Well, anyway when the Master Sorcerer tucked that bolt into his pocket she almost fainted.
“One of my favored creatures…” She replied as she reached down between her legs and began slowly stroking the mane of her lion. The man’s sheer confidence in his abilities amazed her and she began to wonder if he was that confident about everything he did. With difficulty, she forced her attention back to his face and slowly let her hand drift upwards from her lion’s mane.
“Stoopid Cat is destined to…” A slight smile crossed her face as she stopped speaking for a moment. Her hand drifted up to her left shoulder where a single brooch held her robe-like garment in place. “Perhaps it would be better if I simply showed you.” A single motion disconnected the cat shaped brooch and her robe fell away revealing…
Posted by Abin Quank on :
A panoramic view of the universe.
Suddenly it was numb-nuts the Semi-Incomprehensible’s turn to be dumbfounded and amazed. Wonderingly he gazed around him as he pondered how improbable it was to be dumbfounded before being amazed. But it had happened and he had to accept the fact as he looked at the mysteries of the universe unfolding around him. Stars, Planets, and Nebulae swirled in an ever expanding panorama as his senses struggled to comprehend the vast enormity of what had been concealed in her robe. “And here I thought she was smuggling puppies,” he muttered.
Slowly he became aware that he was not alone with the goddess. STUGerbil floated on his right side and Stoopid Cat sat on the goddess’ left shoulder.
“Your two companions hail from a far flung and barely conceivable future, Master Sorcerer, but they are the key do defeating the most heinous menace our universe will ever face.”
Suddenly she was standing tall on the back of her lion, and the lower half of her garment had been whisked away. Two more universes appeared as she turned away from him. “Look at the universes, not what is between them,” she ordered sharply as she bent to place Stoopid Cat on the lion’s back. “For now anyway,” she added with a smile.
“How can there be more than one universe?” He asked in amazement, struggling to keep his attention focused on the twin moon shaped windows. “And do you realize how hard it is…”
“I told you,” she cut him off, “Look at the twin universes.”
Mentally, he counted to ten. She might be a goddess he thought thru clenched teeth but to tell someone not to look at something that…
“What you see are the universes that are closest to ours. Call them universes “B” and “C”.” She turned so that only the universe on the left was visible. “In the future that both StuRat and Stoopid Cat come from…”
Her words were cut off by a loud YOWL from Stoopid Cat. When Bast spoke the name “StuRat” STUGerbil had transformed. Gone was the vaguely powerful sorcerer and in his (its?) place stood the extremely powerful sorcerer. StuRat looked down at himself wonderingly.
”HOW??”
Interestingly it was the Numedian Lion who answered, prompting another surprised YOWL from Stoopid Cat.
“It is the first step in you becoming ME!” It (he?) roared. “Just remember this sequence; Rat, Sort of Human, Puppy, Collie, Lion. And never, EVER become a duck, or all is lost.”
“But what does all of this mean?” The Master Sorcerer and Stoopid Cat both asked at the same time, which caused another round of confusion because up to that point, no one but the Goddess knew that Stoopid Cat could talk (and that included S.C.).
“In the future that both StuRat and Stoopid Cat come from a vastly powerful being will lead his followers in an invasion of a place called Legion World. The only beings capable of defeating this menace are your descendent Pagan Lass, StuRat, and Stoopid Cat, If they can work together.”
“But I have no children,” the Master Sorcerer stammered.
“We will fix that,” the Goddess smiled.
The universes began to fold back into the robe of the Goddess, as she reached out to the stunned Master Sorcerer.
“Umm… I don’t want to interrupt, (or Watch) but who is this great menace?” StuRat asked in a small voice.
”The Master Baiter of Universe “C” and the Fish Hooker Legion.” Came the reply as the Cat Goddess and the Master Sorcerer faded from view…
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Meanwhile, StuRat led a team of LMBers across the universe to attempt to stop the Great Intellect/Mastermind that was creating this whole mess. Little did they know that they were walking into a terrible trap...
Death Blood, formerly Elmer Fudd, had summoned his three agents, Bloodbath, Avengilyne and Slaughter Hawk to mercilessly kill the LMBers as they came there way. The trap was set out, as they surrounded the Hootchie Hut. The Hootchie Hut, a bar in the middle of the galaxy and longtime pit-stop for the LMBP was right on the way to the Klorndy Festival, where the LMBP was hidden. No LMBPer had ever been able to resist stopping for a drink when passing it, even in when the universe was about to be destroyed, like the time Loser Lad stopped to smoke a doobie while the Anti-Monitor destroyed Earth-3.
StuRat led the LMBers, as the huge group of them began goofing off in the backround. Leading a small group of LMBers is rough, but leading a group of about thirty is almost impossible, as a massive game of space-leap frog broke out.
Suddenly, on Legion World, new member Esk had a sudden flash of foresight!
*editor's note*
Yup, that's Esk's power now! Unless she changes it, she now has Dreamy's power of foresight, or as we writers like to call it, a good plot device
*end editor's note*
Esk saw a vision of Stu being forced to return to Legion World, and understood that not doing so would create terrible consequences! Immediately, she told Lightning Lad! LL suddenly alerted Crusader, the LMBPer who was permanantly positioned at the LMBP Outpost. Crusader, using his telepathy, suddenly reached out across the cosmos to his sister Princess Crujectra and told her of Esk's vision! Crujeckie then told Stu and Faraway Lad, that Esk believed that Stu needed to be brought back home. Faraway, using his power to make things go faraway, suddenly grabbed Stu and Icefyre, and transported the two of them to a place faraway!
However, sad that they couldn't stop for a drink at the Hootchie Hut, StuRat, Faraway Lad and Icefyre had a quick drink at a hole-in-the-wall bar in some backwater planet. Little did they know of Stu's importance in the next battle...
----------------------------
Meanwhile, Princess Crujectra and original LMB leader Lard Lad took over the reins of the mission and continued heading the LMBers into the trap at the Hootchie Hut. Death Blood was pleased as the King of the Super-Moby Dicks and Wartworld now joined the four bad guys for a terrible Ambush.
The LMBers grew closer: Lard Lad, Hummer Lad, Lash Lad, Outdoor Miner, Harbinger, Arachne, Numf-El, Abin Quank, Space Ranger, Danny Blaine, Bugs Bunny, Vee, Semi, Sonnie, Princess Crujectra, Lucien Lad, Dev-Em, Umber & the Boyz, Ultra Matt, Non-Sequitor, and Sketch Lad. Little did they know there was going to be one hell of a battle on the way...
Posted by MLLASH on :
But then, suddenly and wholly without warning of any sort, Nads-Kicker Lass accidentally destroyed the universe!
Posted by STU on :
[INTERLUDE]
quote:Originally posted by Fat Cramer: ... Crujectra was enjoying a hot shower.
... Meanwhile, Harbinger and Pagan Lass were also taking showers.
STU suddenly decided he needed to take a cold shower.
[END INTERLUDE]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
And suddenly, Pagan Lass came up behind Nads-Kicker Lad, and with her pointy heel kicked HIM in the nads. As nads-kicker lad bent over in pain, the universe was released from his nads, and spurted forth again. See, he had not really destroyed the universe, he had just accidentally abosrbed it into his nads, and since Pagan Lass was so powerful she had managed to keep from being absorbed also. We now continue from where we left off...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...although suddenly continuity began being torn apart! You see, Nads-Kicker Lad was killed on the first page of this thread! It was Nads-Kicker Lass who had destroyed the universe! But what really happened was that she had stapled her dead brothers Nads to her own vagina and then absorbed the universe into those same Nads! When Pagan Lass kicked him in the Nads, the universe was shot back out, and the Nads were destroyed!
Nads Kicker Lass soon decided that she could live this way no longer, and became a porn star named "Le Femme Dominique", the dominatrix who actually enjoyed having herself kicked in the vagina after kicking her sex-slaves in the Nads! Gross!
Meanwhile, while the universe was restored, everything was proceeding directly as it had before, with the small exception of black holes opening up all over space, and a book of magic suddenly appearing on Cobalt Kid's security office desk, which will be important many pages from now once all of the current storylines are finished!
The various LMBers were still approaching there destinations...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Greybird had caught the trail of EDE. Greybird has also caught the trail of Abin Quank's power ring. Greybird has also found the two Lori Mornings' trail, even though everybody else still liked to pretend that he hadn't. The Empress had also reactivated her mental link with the Eye. And they all led to the same place. Kid Prime wondered who could possibly be powerful enough to keep all of those at the same time. Heavens knows, they had had enough trouble keeping Legion World from being torn apart by the Lori Mornings fights. He would have liked Invisible Brainiac to figure it out, but IB had already tried to escape three times, and so he had knocked him out again. They were fast approaching their destination...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Master-Baiter and his daughter Vibra-ter were celebrating the imminent completion of the Rainbow Man of Ekron. All that was needed now was to use the powers of the beings they had gathered to jumpstart its sentience, as most of its parts were still dormant. They raised their glasses, which were full of a thick white liquid, and downed them in one gulp. Their servants were getting the beings ready as they celebrated. The Master-Baiter looked over at his legion of fish-like thingies. He had already sent the Super Moby Dicks, which were his favorites among them all, to destroy the LMBP. It had an enormous capacity for power, and a few spurts would be enough to destroy everything. He gripped his staff and took in the glow coming from Abin Quank's power ring, which fit it perfectly. He had kept it for himself, since the Rainbow Man of Ekron would have enough power to destroy an entire planet, nay, an entire Solar System, on its own. Besides, it was difficult to find something which could fit onto his thick staff. He smiled to himself. Oh, the fun he would have with it! "Father, the servants have finished the beings off. We can begin anytime." "Good, good! Let me look them over carefully before we begin." The Master-Baiter turned to gaze over the Rainbow Man and the beings attached to the machine which would siphon off part of their immense energy and transform it to the Rainbow Man. He lingered over the bulge the middle one had in his pants, and then swept upward when he determined that it was definitely not bigger than his own. He was fiercely proud of it, after all. He then turned to the other figures, but dismissed them instantly. They surely did not match his daughters own assets. He permitted himself a small smile of satisfaction, and then turned his gaze upon the unconscious faces of Eryk Davis Ester and the two Lori Mornings. He could hardly wait. "Begin the operation."
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Meanwhile… inside JSMBP HQ…
THE UNIVERSE BLINKED
It also yawned, rolled over, and scratched itself all while chuckling softly at Terry Pratchett’s latest book but no one noticed those actions. It was the blink that mattered.
Pagan Lass, was just about finished with her last dance, and more than finished with putting up with Super Duper Marvelous Man’s repeated attempts to fondle whichever portion of her torso was closest to him, when she gave a huge shuddering gasp and collapsed to the floor, apparently unconscious.
She would later claim that it was an unconscious reflex that caused her to wallop Supie-Dupie through the wall when he attempted to revive her by massaging her “lungs”.
Unbeknownst to the members of the JSMBP they were trapped in the backwash of the universe being destroyed and recreated by Nads-Kicker Person (look, this far into the story I’m not going to waste any time trying to figure out the whole lad/lass thing, Okay?) in the far future. Nads-Kicker Person is the Ambi-sexual (which only means that [s]he can do it with either hand) altID of the semi-nefarious poster known as MLLash Lad who is also an alternate reality version of one half of the Time Mouse Trapper, who may or may not be Rokk Steady, except that he isn’t involved with this in any way. Clear as mud? Good!
Fortunately this retcon only affected two and a half of the JSMBP Members. And it went largely unnoticed by everyone present in JSMBP HQ. SALLy did notice, but under the circumstances she considered the changes an improvement and kept her mouth shut, with the exception of a few giggles.
The Green Latrine and Duck Bloggers vanished (they were a pair of badly conceived characters anyway, so this may have been the universe’s way of correcting that error) and were replaced by: 1. Jaded Girl – Super-Rich, Super-Blonde, and Super-Bored. 2. Mr. Terrifically – That paragon of Fair Play, or was it Fore Play? And his floating T=Balls, Ben and Wa.
Where is the “and a Half” you ask? Read On…
[ December 31, 2003, 07:46 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
So with StuRat (or StuLion now), Faraway and Icefyre gone for a quick drinking binge and trip back to Earth (although they had no idea it was the final confrontation), the rest of the huge group of LMBers continued on their way.
Lardy, as always, was the first to see the Hootchie Hut up ahead. "Should we stop?" asked Abin, which caused his brother to slap him upside the head. "Of course we stop bro, there be hootchies inside, and it'll help the teams morale!" "SP is right" said Lardy, "besides, Hummer Lass and are overdue for a three way and I need some food to sustain my power." "And LMBers drink for free at the Hootchie Hut!" yelled Lash!
Princess Crujectra sighed, but she knew there was no stopping the LMBers now. While Umber sat down to tell a long story about shopping to Brock, Ashe and Cliff eyed each other curiously, although Umber didn't pick up on it. Most of the LMB did, but no one wanted to hurt the poor dear's feelings.
Numf-El settled in for a long binge since he hadn't had a pint in about a half a day and was way overdue to get obnoxious and loud. This meant Harbinger carefully moved to the back of the room where she accidently bumped into Sonnie. No one could tell you what they said, especially this author, since I swear it almost sounded like Ancient Armenian.
While Arachne, Outdoor Miner, Dev and the others settled in for a drink, no one realized that the ambush was no set! Bloodbath, the hideous killer that looked like he was drawn by Rob Liefield used his great disguise technique and came out in a maid's uniform. "Why don't we let them get drunk and pass out?" asked Avengilyne to Death Blood, to which he replied, "Shut up!". He didn't like being questioned.
Bloodbath, in his blood red uniform and huge swords and guns sticking out, put on a maid's uniform over his costume and began serving drinks. It was Semi who noticed, when Bloodbath spilt his martini. Vee noticed a huge saber on his back then too. Something was wrong here...
Lardy walked outside to piss on the back door of the Hut since he didn't want to go into the bathroom after filling the toilet with crap a half hour before and not flushing. He looked up. There he saw an army of Super Space Moby Dicks! Death Blood, the horrible killer stood watching him. "And now" said Death Blood. "It begins..."
Lardy farted smuggly. "Elmer, you're fuckin' with the wrong wabbits"...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Instantly, a huge battle ensued! Punches, kicks, whips, blasts, pummels, bites, chomps, zaps, booms, bangs, crashes, scubas, zoinks, smooches, hummers, "Oh Fuck!"'s, and all kinds of madness. You get the picture...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Master-Baiter groaned in ecstasy as EDE's and the two Lori Mornings' life-forces were emptied into the Rainbow Man of Ekron. His daughter Vibra-ter giggled in delight as she watched the LMBP getting thrashed outside (and inside) the Hootchie Hut. The Super Moby Dicks were swallowing LMBPers by the dozens, with nowhere out unless they wanted to go out the other end, which was a very bad idea. They were so busy qatching that htey didn't notice Kid Prime's group sneaking into their lair/headquarters/secret hideout or whatever you want to call it.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
In the meantime, Cobie's group, which everybody seems to have forgotten, had reached Mean Old Hero and were busy confronting him. Well, they were about to confront him. And they would too, once they decided whose naughty bits were expendable, just in case Mean Old Hero wanted to test his powers first. They had been arguing rather vehemently. Cobalt Kid and Poverty Lad absolutely refused to go in. They said that they had already lost their members once, and they would rather face an angry Giant Robotic Lesbian and a Thora who had just had a crash course in castration than lose their members again. Of course, this did not make sense, since they would be losing their members in a more painful manner that way, as Kara and Homecoming Queen were quick to point out, but neither Cobie nor Pov would change their minds. Santa Claus wanted Kara and H Queen to go, but only because he wanted some time alone with Cobie and Pov. Sharky was looking for something to eat, and Fat Cramer was busy cleaning herself. She wanted no part of this, and she had succeeded in convincing everyone that she was not Fat Cramer, but was in fact just an ordinary cat lying around on the ground. Just then, the universe blinked again, and Mean Old Hero was transported into the Master-Baiter's lair, right into the machine holding EDE and the two Lori Mornings, where his life force was drained first, thus saving the lives of EDE and the two LMs, giving Kid Prime's team more time to act. Cobalt Kid's team was also transported into the Hootchie Hut, where they appeared in time to get swallowed by one of the Moby Dicks along with pretty much the rest of the LMBP. And that takes care of yet another seemingly forgotten subplot.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Master-Baiter was enjoying himself when what appeared to be Booty Shaker and Dancing Queen walked in. At least, they were wearing BS and DQ's clothes, but BS' shoes were way too large and his face was full of white makeup. "Master! You have to stop your machine at once! EDE's life force is too great, and may cause it to overload!" "We can fix it for you, but it will take some time. Luckily, we managed to capture the one known as Invisible Brainiac (no, not the One known as the One, since there already is one cosmically powered villain in this story). He can upgrade your device for you!" said Booty Shaker as he fished an unconscious IB out of his pants. Master-Baiter was annoyed and puzzled. He was annoyed because they had interrupted his pleasure, and he was puzzled because he knew that they had been captured on Legion World. But because he was a cosmically powerful being and had a Great Intellect to boot, he quickly realized that they couldn't be the real ones. "You DARE to interrupt my pleasure AND you DARE to attempt to fool me? Seize them at once!" His Legion of Super-Fish Like Thingies immediately netted both BS and DQ, and revealed them to be Actor Lad and Senor Widebottom. "But I thought our acting was perfect!" said SW. "My acting was, but I TOLD you to get rid of that clown makeup!" yelled Actor Lad! "This isn't makeup! It's my real skin tone!" SW yelled back. The Master-Baiter was pleased. Senor Widebottom's humorously oversized panatloons (henceforth known as HOP) were one of the LMBP's greatest weapons, and now he had them in his grasp as well! "Bring me the HOP!" (of course, he didn't really call them HOP, but this author is very lazy so let's just pretend he did) SW gasped as his HOP were pulled from him, and he was left only with his HOU (U stands for underwear). "This would be humorous if only it wasn't so chilly in here!" The Master-Baiter grinned with pleasure as he peeked into SW's HOP. He smelled the delightful odor that had been left there after some of the LMBPers had spent a month in the HOP because they had been lost and had released stress the only way they could. He pushed his head in deeper, enjoying the smells, and trying to figure out the powers of this wonderful pair of HOPs. What he found, he didn't quite expect.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Master-Baiter jerked back (no, not off, since even the Master-Baiter does not have unlimited stamina) as ammericommando's fist met his face. Kid Prime and his team quickly climbed out of SW's HOP. "Great work, ActorLad and Senor Widebottom, they totally fell for it! Now revive IB and get to work on freeing EDE!" Senor Widebottom quickly put on his HOP again, and pushed IB's head into them. IB quickly revived (which was SW's purpose all along, this was no time to be naughty!) and got to work on freeing EDE. Kid Prime and the others went ahead to confront the Master-Baiter and his minions. Kid Prime slammed into Master-Baiter with his metallic body, trying to kncok him unconscious. Master-Baiter fought back, all the while wishing that Kid Prime was one of his loyal minions becuase frankly, all this body slamming was getting him excited, and Vibra-ter could also have used someone like Kid Prime. Greybird and americommando tried to retrieve Abin Quank's power ring, but it wasn't easy because it was stuck on Master-Baiter's staff. Saturnrings used her powers to channel any one of Saturn Girl's characterizations and turned Vibra-ter's butt into iron. This caused a backlash in Vibra-ter's powers, knocking her out of the battle. Marvin the Martian of the Brood summoned a dozen Sylvester's, who immediately began chasing the Legion of Super Fish-Thingies with King Kong, who was gobbling them up by the dozen. The Empress and Pagan Lass were working on getting the Emerald Eye back, while Globe Girl used her huge globes to protect Invisible Brainiac, while Senor Widebottom made sure IB wouldn't get distracted by shielding him form the view of Globe Girl's globes. After they freed the two Lori Mornings, SW quickly stuffed them into his HOP before they could revive and annoy everybody in sight. After they successfully freed EDE, Everyday Girl stepped in and used her mess-everything-up powers (or comedy plot device powers) to make the machine fall apart. The Master-Baiter screamed as he saw this, partially because that machine had cost him a lot of money (money which should have gone to pay for his toys) and partly because Greybird and the others had succeeded in wrenching Abin Quank's power ring from his staff. "It's over. Now your Rainbow Man will never be free to wreak havoc on the galaxy!" "Not so, Kid Prime!" retored Master-Baiter as he spurted a blast of liquid which knocked Kid Prime and company down. "I can still use some of my own life force!" He quickly revived his daughter Vibra-ter, and they flew to the Rainbow Man where he planted his staff into it's mouth while Vibra-ter positioned herself down below. The Rainbow Man quickly powered up, and it began to glow! All the LMBpers gasped, partly because the Rainbow Man was moving and partly because Master-Baiter was definitely enjoying himself. "Yes, my work is complete! Rainbow Man, heed your new master! Take me to Legion World!" The LMBPers could only watch in horror as the Rainbow Man, Master-Baiter and Vibra-ter teleported out of the room. Kid Prime said, "This sucks, and I don;t just mean the Rainbow Man!"
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
They quickly gathered around Kid Prime for an update. "Okay, folks, we've got to go and warn Lightning Lad and the others back at Legion World, and we have to stop the Rainbow Man and retrieve the Emerald Eye. We've also got to get STU's group as reinforcements. Globe Girl, give us an update on their situations." Globe Girl concentrated, and everybody could see Legion World appear on her left globe, and the Hootchie Hut on the right. "Huh, that's just like them, stopping over at the Hootchie Hut... Invisible Brainiac, stop drooling on me! Hey, what's this... Oh my grife, they're being attacked! Okay, change of plans, guys. Empress, Pagan Lass, Saturnrings, Greybird, americommando, Actor Lad, you guys come with me to legion World. Globe Girl, Invisible Brainy, Marvin, Senor Widebottom and King Kong, you guys go help out Lash and the others, and when you're done head over to LW right away. Since we're running out of time, we'll have to go through Senor Widebottom's humorously oversized pantaloons. Let's go, Legionnaires!!!"
Posted by Abin Quank on :
The JSMBP Comm Center was a Shambles
The only being present who had escaped the devastating effects of the universal blink was Stoopid Cat, who was still floating (and silently gloating) around the room encased in Cloned Green Pig’s Power Ringworm generated green energy bubble.
Jessica Quickly lay atop Mr. Terrifically who was sprawled across several shattered tables, his T=Balls, Ben and Wa, buzzing wildly as they circled the pair searching for an opening to enter and help. (Now, there’s another visual that will stay with you guys a looooong time!)
Dusty Baker and Jaded Girl were hopelessly entangled with Cloned Green Pig.
Rody had somehow fallen into Spectacular Aqua Lung’s Lass’s tank.
And, of course, Super Duper Marvy Person was stuck halfway through a wall after having been booted across the room by Pagan Lass.
Umm… Super Duper Marvy Person? Who the hell is Super Duper Marvy Person, you ask? Is this where the “and a half” line comes in?
Well… Technically… Yes. But you’re gonna have to read a little further as this mess gets straightened out. Right now everyone is talking at once and it’s just a little confusing.
“What the hell happened?”
“Did I just see an enormous eyelid?”
“Would you please get your foot out of there?”
“I can’t believe that goddam sheep ate the whole thing! (And you guys thought that Running Gag was over, finished, and kaput, Dintcha?) [For clarification see the last post on page 13]
“Do they always vibrate like that?”
Normally, SALLy is very good at assessing and taking charge of unusual situations, she has to be as she seems to be the only member of this group capable of thought generation above the shoulders. But at that moment she was coming to grips with the fact there was a wet rat nestled comfortably in her rather ample cleavage.
[It is important to remember at this point that this entire episode is being telepathically communicated to me from the prospective of Shea [pronounced: She] the Super Flea, who is Rody’s version of Robin II, and she’s (good pun, huh.) a mite (another one) small.]
Small and beady rodent eyes met large green and sexy human eyes but love did not blossom. Revulsion heaved and disgust digressed, along with a small amount of abounding annoyance and that was just on Rody’s part. SALLy simply tried to scream.
“Y*gurgle*E*gurgle*E*gurgle*…*gulp*K. (do you guys have any idea how hard it is to translate the sound of an underwater EEEK, that is being emitted at the top of a pair of lungs like that and translated by a super flea?)
SALLy might have gone into a classic underwater, spit-take, super-heroine panic attack if it weren’t for a squeaky voice announcing in a tone of sheer wonderment:
”They’re Real!! And They’re Spectacular!!”
Instead, she almost drowned herself in a fit of underwater giggling!
[ December 31, 2003, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Back at the Hootchie Hut, hell had broken loose!
Cobalt Kid ripped a Super Moby Dick to shreds magnetically, as his group were freed from it's stomach! Santa blasted magic at another Moby Dick, saying "that's it! I'm used to working one night a year! As soon as this mess is over, I want to return to reserve status! You guys are constanly getting eaten, hacked, shot at..." "Can it old man!" yelled Homecoming Queen, as she, Poverty Lad and Fat Cramer leaped into action! "Sharky, go make sure everyone else is OK!" yelled Cobalt, as Sharklad swung down to see Lardy engaged in battle with Death Blood!
Lardy, using his lardforce powers, showed why out of all the LMBers, he was still the 'big-gun'. Attacking Death Blood with ferocity, the two locked themselves in combat.
Inside the Hootchie Hut, the massive gathering of LMBers battled the three minions of Death Blood and the army of Super Moby Dicks that had gathered. Bloodbath battled Lash, until Shark Lad suddenly flew down, biting down and devouring Bloodbath whole! "Easy Sharkey" said Lash, "you don't want to get too ferocious..."
Avengilyne and SlaughterHawk fought back against Harbinger, Space Ranger and Princess Crujectra, but they were a bit outclassed.
"Everyone outside!" yelled Cobalt Kid suddenly. As the LMBers looked up into space, they saw why: The Planet Pluto aka Wartworld, had arrived. Now the battle really livened up...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Immediately, the most powerful LMBers flew at Wartworld, looking to take it out: Lard Lad, Cobalt Kid, Space Ranger, Harbinger, Dev-Em and Santa Claus.
Death Blood grinned, looking for his opening, until suddenly, he felt his genitals shrinking. He looked down, not noticing Vee, who hopped on his shoulder in a shrunken-down state. "Guess what?" he whispered into his ear. "That's what" said Semi-Transparent Fellow, throwing a knockout punch into his face.
Avengilyne fought on, as Sketch Lad and Lucien Lad tried to corner her. Stepping backwards over Umber's new heels, she suddenly heard a tremendous scream, as Umber couldn't believe the blemish that now existed on her most favorite new possession. Leaping at Avengilyne, Umber started a cat-fight, or more precisely a terrible beating, knocking Avengilyne into submission.
Slaughterhawk feared no better, as Arachne, Poverty Lad and Outdoor Miner took him down just as easy. "You're a disgrace to wings pal, be lucky Greybird ain't here" said Pov, the master of intra-battle wit.
Suddenly, they looked up to see Bugs Bunny talking to the King of the Super Moby Dicks. No one could hear what he was saying but suddenly, the King started to laugh, until his laughter became uncontrollable! With a big smile, the King suddenly ordered the Super Moby Dicks to pull back, and return home! Abandoning their master, the Super Moby Dicks now left only one enemy for the united LMB: Wartworld.
----------------------
Meanwhile, Faraway Lad, Icefyre and StuRat approached Legion World, ready to go home and help out in anyway they could. They were completely unaware of the trouble headed they're way...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
*** Eddie Tor's Notes ***
Memo ter Cobalt Kidder
Witin da next tree or so posts, StuRat is gonner be whisked away to da past. He will ony be gone fer like a minute, but when he returns like he will be trapped as StuLion.
Type dis Trixie.
Holee Spit... You can type wit dose???
*** Note's over get back ter woik ***
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*memo back to Eddie Tor*
Message recieved and understood! Hope he has a good time with Stoopid Cat
*****************
Posted by Abin Quank on :
“Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.”
The thought seemed to rattle endlessly through Karen Kent Clarke’s mind.
“Strange visitor from another planet, gifted with powers and abilities far beyond those of normal humans…”
God, she hated that damm show. But, the royalties did allow her to live a lifestyle only dreamed about by the other National Inquirer reporters. And she did have the “Powers and Abilities”. They just weren’t the ones in the damm show.
“The world isn’t ready for the truth.” They said and proceeded to rework everything.
So her home planet of Hermaphadon became Krypton, and Lennie Layme became Lois Lane, and…
The Iron Hermaphrodite became the Man of Steel. It Sucked. But in George Shrub’s vision of the world there wasn’t any room for people who didn’t fit the “Nuclear Family” mold. So she used the system to generate the revenues needed to fight the system. But it still sucked. She could be a he or an it any time she wanted to. One thought and Presto Change-o, Karen Clarke, Ace Reporter became Kent Clarke, Movie Star or K. K. Clarke, the person in the mail-room everyone wondered about. Or (s)he could be Super Duper Marvelous Man, the greatest (and best dressed) super-hero of them all, and she could hate every second of it. The one thing (s)he couldn’t be was his/herself.
But then the Universe Blinked!
Suddenly nothing was the same…
The Golden Age of Super-Heroes was GONE! Wiped out like it never existed. Infinite Earths combined into one. For a split second confusion and chaos reigned. (and now we know, the whole thing was MLLash’s fault)
Then the universe’s eyelid opened. Characters were rebooted. Timelines and histories adjusted to the new reality. And no one was more affected than Super Duper Marvy Person.
Two of his/her identities vanished, his/her son Super Marvel Man claimed the mantle of the World’s Greatest Super Hero, and (s)he was suddenly older. But, (s)he was out of the closet. The world had it’s first and only (known) Bi-Sexual Super-Hero.
And best of all (s)he was based in Amsterdam, where nobody gave a flying rat’s ass what George Shrub thought.
But, speaking of Flying Rat’s Asses…
Posted by Space Ranger on :
The Mysterious and Powerful Sorcerer StuRat ignored the grumbling of Faraway Lad and Icefyre as the trio flew through space on their way back to Legion World. Faraway Lad had offered to use his powers to instantly transport the trio back to Legion World but StuRat, the newly elected LW Leader vetoed the idea without an explanation.
StuRat needed some time to think. He’d been trapped in the IB & CK story segments for some time now and while he enjoyed the action and adventure, allowing the characters to think things through and make intelligent decisions was definitely not one of IB & CK’s strengths. Well to be fair, intelligent decisions were not the character’s strengths either, so IB & CK are writing to the strengths of their characters. But, in StuRat’s case he knew that he needed to change that soon. A pair of characters from his storied past had recently arrived on LW and awakened some old memories. He needed time to sort through them and decide what to do.
Centuries ago, or last week, depending on ripples in the time stream, a much younger StuRat had journeyed to Ancient Pre-Egypt to learn at the feet of the greatest sorcerer of that age, Numb-Nuts the Semi-Incomprehensible. There in his first mammalian form (StuRat was first born as StuVirus [he was originally a common cold virus with delusions of grandeur, which explains how he’s been around for so long] and progressed rapidly up the evolutionary chain from there, StuAmoeba, StuPlankton, StuJellyfish, StuRemora, StuNewt, etc.). As StuGerbil he first learned the ancient Pre-Egyptian words of power that allow him to change his form at will. It was during that time that StuGerbil first met Stoopid Cat and learned that Pagan Lass would be born centuries later.
He also learned that when their paths converged again, the greatest menace in the history of the universe would manifest itself and only he, Pagan Lass, and Stoopid Cat working together could defeat it. Bast, the ancient Pre-Egyptian Goddess of Cats, named that menace “The Master-Baiter of Universe “C” and the Fish Hooker Legion”.
That was the crux of the problem. Right now, the LMBPer’s (in several of IB & CK’s action oriented story segments) were beating the Goo out of a villain who called himself the Master-Baiter. But was it the right Master-Baiter? How could he tell?
“Master-Baiters are as common as fleas on a rat,” he thought as he scratched himself. “Why there must be a couple of dozen Master-Baiters in the LMBP.”
That thought drew his attention to Icefyre as he remembered a comment Icey made recently about fishing with Shark-Lad and how much they enjoyed hooking each other’s worms. But they were hardly the only LMBPers who were avid fishermen.
Most of the LMBPers were members of B.B.A.S.S. (the Browneye Bass Angler Sportsman’s Society) and Browneye Bass fishing was the single most popular sport on Legion World. Most nights the conversation at SHAKES revolved around B.B.A.S.S. members bragging about the Browneyes and the occasional Trout (On LW the Tight Fitting Trouser Trout is the only sport fish that rivals the Browneye Bass in popularity.) they’d sacked, or were planning on sacking. Occasionally you’d hear remorse about the ones that got away. Often conversation would revolve around whether it was the size of the boat or the motion of the ocean that made their frequent fishing trips so enjoyable.
The conversation could also include frequent debates over how to identify the best Browneye locations. Browneyes always hide in underwater formations called buttcracks, as opposed to Trout which always appear in or near a formation called the Bulge. The debate is usually over which of the wide variety of buttcrack formations is most likely to hide the best Browneyes. With Trout the question is simply, what size fish are you looking for? The bigger the bulge, the bigger the trout seems to be the favored rule, although it’s not universal. Most Legion World fishermen universally favor the death penalty for the heinous practice of bulge padding, which seriously distorts their expectations about the size of the trout they are fishing for.
Another frequent topic of conversation is the location of their favorite fishing spots and proper care and lubrication of their equipment. Amazingly two of the favorite locations are the recreation area located under the Emerald Empress’s massive bed, and the “Ol’ Fishin’ Hole” as the back room of SHAKES is often called. Well perhaps the recreation area wasn’t that surprising when he considered the fact that the Empress is famous for her expertise in maintaining and lubricating fishing poles and a well lubricated pole is essential to the sport of Browneye fishing, especially if the Browneye is hidden in a particularly firm and tight buttcrack.
Still StuRat knew that all in all, the Legion World Browneye and Trout fishermen are a friendly well adjusted group of close friends who enjoyed each other’s company. And StuRat also knew that they are all catch and release fishermen. The Browneyes and Trout they caught are always released back into the wild after some tender loving care. After all, they are sportsmen who want the opportunity to enjoy their favorite pastime for many years to come.
StuRat was convinced that the Master-Baiter in question was a loner. A solitary individual who treated the Browneyes and Trout he caught badly. He probably mounted his catches after the catch and kept them as trophies rather than releasing them.
Therefore StuRat had serious doubts that the Master-Baiter he was looking for was a member of the LMBP or the clown currently having the Goo beaten out of him several light years away. He knew that he needed help in unraveling this mystery and he knew where to get that help.
Another of the ancient Pre-Egyptian words of power StuRat learned allows him to commune with all of his past and future selves. Now, he needed the StuBeing that he knew was atop the highest rung of the Stu evolutionary chain. The StuBeing he had spent his entire life forging toward.
He needed the advice of StuChiaElephant…
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
The Rainbow Man of Ekron continued to move towards Legion World...
The Master-Baiter and Vibra-ter were also joining them, although Stu's thoughts began to question whether he was the true menace that they all feared...
-------------------------------
Meanwhile, an even bigger, louder and more drawn out battle was taking place, as the LMBP united stormed Wartworld and attempted to raze it!
Instead of acting like Super-Heroes, the LMBP decided it would be more fun to pretend they were a large group of Huns on the prowl, looking to pillage and plunder this new enemy!
Chaos ensued, and no words can describe the horror of such a battle...
*although now would be a great time for an artist to come along and draw a big splash page of the LMBP fighting Wartworld!!!! (hint, hint, nudge, nudge)*
Posted by Abin Quank on :
***Quaalude***
Annoder memo ta Cobalt Kidder
Don't fergit dat Wart-Woild is inhabited by da Robot Cans an dere leaderess, Sharn-D'oh. (daughter o Brain-Yak an a Truckstop Type Waitress)
*** Now gits back ta woik ***
Eddie Tor
*** Quaalude wears off ***
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Eddie, this is noted and will be acknowledged! Thanks, it's easy to forget some of the details
*end interlude*
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Lightning Lad was feeling nervous. He couldn't shake the nagging feeling that some disaster would befall Legion World soon. You can call it an anxiety disorder if you want, but LL's experience as a long-standing Legionnaire had given him a sense of intuition which was almost as strong as women's intuition. That was the reason why he had not let Super Lad Kid and the others join the LMBPers out in space. He had explained to them that he and the other founders had had a gut feeling about imminent danger. The others had complianed, but they had deferred to the founders' experience. He had faith that the others would be successful anyway; they had a lot of power among them. Esk was asleep right now, trying to find some clue in her visions that would help them be prepared, and Saturn Girl was keeping the telepathic channel open so she could warn them of any threat. Princess Cru's team didn't notice any threat heading their way, and STU's team didn;t either, but STU was in one of his thinking moods and he'd tell when he was done reasoning out. They hadn't been able to reach Kid Prime's team, so they must be traveling through Senor Widebottom's pants, as that would be out of SG's telepathic range. He, Nightcrawler and the others on LW were checking its security systems, weapons systems and the like, just in case. LL just hoped his feeling was wrong, but he knew that it probably wouldn;t be.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Having made his decision, StuRat quickly brought his team down onto the closest inhabited planet, Orgasmis Major, which just happened to be the home of a very advanced alien civilization known as the Mayte Swappers. The planet Orgasmis Major was known for two things; a planetary atmosphere which made headaches impossible and caused dramatic increases in the pheromone production of sentient beings and a total lack of aquatic life in the few small oceans and lakes which dotted its surface. The planetary conditions found on Orgasmis Major gave rise to a planetary economy based on the production of Silk Thong Lingerie, The Suddenly Slutty Cosmetics Line, and Specialty Liquors such as Gay Goose Vodka, Bi-Beer, and the popular Knees High Valley Wines.
Because of those facts StuRat was confident that there were no Master-Baiters on Orgasmis Major.
As soon as they were on the ground, so to speak, StuRat sent Icefyre to pay the LMBP’s respects to the leader of the Mayte Swappers, G. Spot Tickler and her Mayte of the Week, T. Fuzzball Liquor. He was confident that Icefire would perform admirably in his ambassadorial duties and in a few bedrooms as well. StuRat then sent Faraway Lad back to Legion World with a message for the founders, telling them what he was going to do.
Meanwhile back on Legion World…
A slight hint of sulfur and brimstone… a faint *Bamf*… three cutlasses flashing in unison…
The training room lights were turned down to the point where his blue-black skin was barely visible in the rapidly shifting shadows. The brightly colored uniform lay discarded in the corner, sweat ran freely down his muscular torso and an ever so controlled feral grin broke momentarily across his features each time one of his swords sliced into the syntho-flesh of his opponents.
“Who the Sprock do they think they are,” …slash, parry, bamf… “restricting ME to Legion World,” his fanged grin belied the tone of his voice. “Cobalt and IB are going to Regret…” …slash, bamf… “that…’’ ….thrust, slash, parry… “Stupid Decision…” **Bamf** A tightly coiled figure appears in the midst of the final three attackers. Even as they orient on him, he seemingly explodes. Two heads bounce across the floor while the third figure slumps against the wall with a cutlass through its chest. “…very soon!”
The merest ripple in the air of the chamber alerts him to a new presence. Instantly his cutlasses are oriented on the arrival point. This was not part of his training program.
“Abort program! Kill the Lights!” The darkness is his ally. As the lights extinguish… a form becomes visible to him. A form that none of the other LMBPers have ever seen with the clarity that he sees it with…
“Hello, Josephine, to what do I owe this pleasure?” the words seem to whistle as the tension drains from his body… three cutlasses swish in a complex salute and he bows to his visitor.
“Hello, Nighty, I see that you haven’t lost your touch,” the words are low and sweet, spoken in a tone that is more a whisper in the night than anything else. “They think that they are protecting you, you are more important to them than you realize…”
“Hrumph… Protecting ME?” He gestures and the lights brighten slightly, like him she is most comfortable in the twilight. “What makes them think I need protecting?” His tail flips a cutlass across the room; it buries itself into a wall.
“Baalshazzar!”
The sharp sound of his name used as an oath brought his eyes into a tight focus on her translucent form. His real name is known to all, but only a very few dare use it. "She would dare!" He thought, "and she knows how to get my attention."
“Perhaps they believe that the strain of creating this place has worn you down.”
“Is that why you are here? To make their excuses for them?”
“No, to remind you that you make the rules. And to tell you that StuRat will shortly have need of your abilities…”
Orgasmis Major
It was big, it was impressive, it was Green & Fuzzy? With an ebony head that set off its gleaming white tusks? Yes! It was StuChiaElephant!
[ January 05, 2004, 07:03 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
------------Quaalude----------------
Trixie was in a tither, which is almost as impressive as Trixie in a negligee without showing as much skin. The latest issue of the “Ongoing Adventures of the LMBP” was almost ready to be sent to the printers but of course there was a small problem. There always is in the publishing business. And as usual it involved the dreaded dead lion.
Usually the dead lion plopped it’s carcass on Eddie’s desk on the last Friday of the celestial month. But this month contained not one, not two, but three, count them, three holidays. And the dead lion belonged to the union and was exempt from working holidays, so it plopped it’s carcass on Eddie’s desk a full week before it was expected.
The problem was that Eddie wasn’t there when the dead lion arrived. He was off at Phineas’s Holiday party. So Trixie was left to deal with the dead lion.
Now the dead lion isn’t a problem if the current issue has been put to bed. But, the current issue was still up and running around the office and when the dead lion appeared it scared a full two pages out of it.
So now Trixie, who wanted to shut down and leave for the party herself, had to find two pages of replacement material so that the issue could be put to bed before the dead lion created any more havoc.
Out of desperation, She was almost ready to put in a two page ad for her latest “Private” Video, when the missing pages from SHAKES magically appeared on her desk…
----------------Quaaludius Interuptus-------------------------
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Wart World:
Sharn D'Oh, leader of the Robot Cans launched her own mindless attack on the LMB, as Wart World became the center of a catastrophic battle! Like the Visigoths who sacked Rome, the LMB raided Wart World, hoping to sack it! The Robot Cans, like Assyrian butchers who were finally being crushed, the Robot Cans fought to the death!
Finally, Lard Lad looked at the Hootchie Hut, where no one was drinking or making wild love, and erupted in a fury!
"Enough! I'm tired of constant end of the world battles! I need sex and drinking in between!"
Even more furious, the LMBP renewed it's assault on Wart World. Sharn D'Oh was so caught up in the battle, that she stripped her clothes, revealed her naked Robot Skin and yanked Poverty Lad to the ground, making violet love to him!
Soon, the battle began to slow, as the combined might of the LMBP was too much for Wart World. Marvin, after satisfying Sharn D'Oh until she drifted off too a Robot slumber, watched as the LMBPers rounded up the Robot Cans and made them dance in a circle doing 'the robot'.
"We hereby swear to return Wart World to where it was as the planet Pluto." they said.
"And I will add the final touch," said Marvin, "even though Pluto is a disney character, I will make sure that whenever anyone ever sees Wart World, they will see Pluto, Mickey Mouse's dog". The Robot Cans submitted to this final humiliation, all except Bender and Hedonism Bot, two robots who silently escaped into the depths of space, to be used once again in a tag-team story. -----------------------
Enjoying the huge victory over Wart World, the tired LMBers all forgot about the real mission at hand, and returned to the Hootchie Hut for a massive orgy/drinking binge/limbo contest!!!
Meanwhile...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Kid Prime and his little team of LMBPers trudged along in Senor Widebottom's HOP. The mood was very somber; they had already made three wrong turns along the way. Kid Prime regretted sending Senor Widebottom with the other team. SW would have been a great help in the big fight going on near the Hootchie Hut, but he could easily have sent some of the others instead. Grey Birdboy's navigation skills were being taxed to their limits, since the HOP was full of twists, turns and misleading trails. KP shook his head. He should have made sure that one of the members of his group had already gone through SW's HOP before. Grey Birdboy had already collapsed twice from sheer exhaustion, and americommando had had to carry him. Now, they had to rely on the Empress' incrasingly weakening mental connection with the Eye to lead then to Legion World. But if the Rainbow Man was already at LW, then they might be too late; if it wasn't, then they might end up any place BUT Legion World. Kid Prime wanted to punch something. The Empress' prolonged separation form the Eye was making her more and more irritated, which was why he had chosen Pagan Lass to come along. He had thought of asking her to prepare a teleportation spell, but the risks of it going terribly wrong were too great in this otherworldly dimension. He had already taken a great risk just asking her to give a sleeping draught to Grey, but it had to be done. Actorlad had already tried several times to lighten the mood, but only Pagan Lass had shown even a semblance of a smile. Everybody knew the price of their failure to get to LW in time. The only other ones who could avert the terrible disaster would be Invisible Brainy and the others with him, but as far as he knew they were still locked in combat with the Super Moby Dicks and the others. No, they had to reach LW soon. It all depended on them. He called a five minute break first. As his weary teammates sat down around him, KP looked at each of their faces. Despair was painted on each one. KP took a deep breath. "Look, you guys. It's pretty much all my fault that we're still stuck here. I should have taken the time to think intelligently before plunging in like this. Now, not only are we stuck here, but Legion World might be doomed too. I-I'm sorry." Kid Prime couldn't bring himself to raise his head. It WAS all his fault, and he wouldn;t blame them if they hated him. He braced himself for their scathing words. "What are you talking about, KP? We're all in this together, and you know it. It's none of our faults." You could have knocked KP over with an Imskite. He didn't expect any of them to think that way, least of all Pagan Lass! "Yeah, we're LMBPers! We'll get out of this!" "We trust you, KP." "Nothing's going to happen to Legion World while we're on the job!" Everyone was babbling at once, all with words of support. KP could see hope blossom on their faces. Suddenly, the Empress drew herself up. "Yes, I won't stand for you blaming yourself, Kid Prime. The Rainbow Man would never have been unleashed had I not let myself lose control of the Emerald Eye, but I have accepted my mistake and know that we can go on. You are our team leader, and a worthy one at that. I have the utmost faith in you." These words put new life in everyone. If someone as wise and as regal as the Empress though this, then it must be true! Kid Prime could feel life flowing into him, almost as if he had been remade from scratch, with the best quality parts this side of Wartworld. "Well, you guys certainly told me off. Thanks. What are we waiting for? Let's get off our butts and hurry up so we can save the day! Let's see how Grey's doing. Pagan Lass, didn;t you say that he'd be okay by now?" Pagan Lass nodded. It was good to see Kid Prime and the others regain their spirits and their confidence. She could see how they had gained their reputations as great warriors. She bent down over Grey's head, and dabbed some lotion on him as she chanted a spell that she had learned long ago. Then she stepped back as Grey's eyes blinked open. He stood, almost jumped, up. "I don't know what you guys did to me, but I can see the way clearly now! We're almost at Legion World! What are you standing around like a bunch of uneducated primitives for? Move it!" Grey took off like a comet, wings beating rapidly. Everyone else just stared in shock. Kid Prime could hardly believe it. There was more to Pagan Lass than he thought. But there would be time for speculation later, they still had a job to do. And if Grey said he knew the way, then he knew it. They must be close. "Well, what are you waiting for? You heard the man! Let's move!"
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
And so they followed him home and lived happily ever after in a nice flower strewn cottage on the Southern Epsom Downs, or so I'd have you believe. Truth be told it wasn't that simple. what really happened was.....
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Over at the Hootchie Hut...
Invisible Brainy was lounging on the roof at the Hootchie Hut. Or so one would think, upon a casual glimpse. But in reality, his mind was racing. IB was worried about the fate of the LMBP. After Wart World had been defeated, he had given Kid Prime's urgent summons to the other LMBPers. He had expected them to zoom off to protect Legion World, but instead they had all zoomed into the Hootchie Hut! IB was hoping that they had just gone in to recharge after the battle, but they had settled into a frenzy of eating, drinking, and other stuff which had been deemed too naughty for a teenager, so IB was relegated to the outside. He couldn't believe it. How could the LMBP give up so easily? The greatest heroes in the universe couldn't possibly be cowards, could they? IB sat down and thought. He remembered how he first came to Legion World, invisibly, of course. He had been inducted into the LMBP by Cobalt Kid after helping out on a mission, and everybody had treated him like a genius immediately. But IB didn't really need to become invisible in order to access his full intellect; he just found it easier to concentrate without anyone seeing him. And he wasn't all that smart either. He just had a good memory and a natural talent for figuring things out, but scientifically he didn't even have a fraction of Doctor One's ability. His hiding of the truth may have seemed malicious, but IB couldn't help it. He was in awe of all the others, and he often hung back during his early missions because he wasn't sure that what he was planning to do was right. It had nearly cost him his life, even, when the Yellow-Bellied Staffsucker they were fighting knocked him out and nearly ate him up. His unconsciousness made him turn visible, and the others, seeing that he was just a kid, rushed in to stop the Staffsucker. Harbinger and Fat Cramer had given him a mighty proper scolding too, and even Sonnie Bloke had agreed with Harbi, for once. Cobalt Kid, especially, had been pretty disappointed that IB had chosen to hide for so long. IB still cringed at the thought. He looked up to all of the LMBPers, but he thought of Cobie as a big brother. He even backed Cobie up when he said that Nightcrawler and the other founders had to stay on LW, which was saying a lot as IB looked upon the 3 founders almost as if they were the real Legionnaires from the stories. From then on, all the LMBPers had been especially protective of him, and he often had to stay behind when the others were out fighting big battles. To tell the truth, IB kind of liked that. It made him feel much safer, especially since they never expected more from him than they could handle. It was certainly better than back home, where everyone always expected so much from him, as if he could do no wrong... Besides, Globe Girl would often let him hide in her globes when there was a lot of danger, an experience which every guy should get to have at least once in their life. But anyway, IB practically worshipped the others, which made their perceived weakness now very very disturbing. But IB understood. They had all heard of the legends of the Rainbow Man of Ekron, of how it could destroy an entire solar system without breaking a sweat. And they had all seen the Emerald Eye in action before. If one Eye was that powerful, then the Rainbow Man must be staggeringly so. His teammates were merely enjoying what they feared would be the last hours of their lives. They weren't just scared: they were terrified beyond their wildest fears and nightmares. They probably all thought that Legion World was destroyed already. But IB had this one thing that the others probably had lost already. A little bit of naivete, a little bit of innocence, and a lot of hope. He slowly stood up, a determined look on his face. Only the LMBP could save the galaxy now, and IB would have to convince them they could do it.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The inside of the Hootchie Hut was wild. Lardy and Hummer Lass were carrying on in the corner. Harbinger and Sonnie Bloke were screaming at each other again, while Abin Quank and Space Ranger were havong a brotherly wrestling match on the floor. A drunk Cobalt Kid was trying to drag a statue into bed, and Fat Cramer was trying to get her tail out from under it. Lash Lad was tangled up in all his whips, and Sharky was swallowing crates if beer by the dozens. IB couldn't stand it. He wasn;t bothered by their carryings-on; he had watched their wild parties before on Legion World. But he was bothered because he could see through their brave faces into the hopelessness they were hiding within. IB shivered. He had to make them see what he could see: that they were the greatest bunch of heroes this galaxy had ever seen. He swalloed nervously. Doing that would mean giving a Cosmic Boy-like pep talk IN FRONT OF ALL OF THEM. IB figured he would probably end up wetting himself, like the time when his light powers went out of control. He had nearly destroyed his old school then, and had gotten sent away to Legion World. He had only managed enough control to turn himself invisible, and he had been forced to wear a power inhibitor to ensure that he couldn't use the full extent of his powers. IB closed his eyes, trying to find the strength from within him. He drifted back to his triumphes at his old school, when he had overcome the taunts of the other kids and had given them the rough side of his tongue. He flattered them ,he debated with them, he made it all the way to the top. He had earned the nickname "Silvertongue", and also "Brainiac". He had got it made, before his powers manifested, went out of control and threatened to destroy the stong walls he had built to bolster his self-esteem. IB had tried to shut those memories out of his mind, but they came flooding in again. He remembered his parents, telling him how proud they were. He remembered his best friends, and the fun they had writing their silly little stories. He remembered his teachers, how they had encouraged and guided him. And he remembered his new friends on Legion World, and how they had been there for him all this time. He opened his eyes, and he saw only the true nobility amd strength of his teammates, the nobility and strength that he had to awaken. He stepped forward. "Um, guys? Guys?" They were still too busy despairing to listen. IB took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and focused on his friends. "SHUT! THE! SPROCK! UP! Okay, listen up, you guys! I know that you all know that Legion World is about to be attacked by what may be the most powerful creature we have ever encountered. I know that that thing probably makes us look like a bunch of tenth-rate superhero wannabes. I know that most of us may not get through the next 24 hours alive. But I also know that we are the Legion of Message Board Posters. We are the best heroes in the galaxy. We may not be all that powerful, but because of our hearts and our souls and our teamwork and each other, we have made it through things that would have made anyone else curl up and weep like a baby. We've taken out Climacticus, Pornis, Salad-tosser Lad (whose real powers I still don't know, I also always thought that he threw lettuce around...), the invasion of our last headquarters, and even evil EDEs. We've been to hell and back. We've done things that even the Legion of Superheroes might be hard-pressed to do. And that is not blasphemy! We are the greatest, the best, the brightest stars the universe has to offer, and because we've got each other we'll triumph this time too! Now get off your butts and let's get going! Our founders need us, and we've got a Legion World to save! So come on and prove that you're not just a bunch of lucky sissies, and show me that I'm not wrong in hero-worshipping all of you!" **************** All the LMBPers were stunned. Firstly, IB had never even come close to showing the slightest bit of real aggression. Second, he had said this all in one breath. Third, few people had ever told them off like this, and almost nobody had praised them so greatly. And last, they all knew deep down that what IB was saying was true. ************ IB slowly opened his eyes. That long-winded speech had nearly knocked him out. His ears were ringing, and he couldn't hear anything. He looked around, trying to gauge their reactions to what he just sai, and he realized that his ears weren't the problem. There really was nothing to hear. Everyone was gazing at him in wonder, their mouths hanging open like they had just been hooked by the Master of Master-Baiters. Lardy had actually pulled Hummer Lass away from him. Globe Girl's globes were throbbing. Fat Cramer was looking at him with her piercing cat eyes. Harbinger and Sonnie Bloke were standing side-by-side, their hands around each other's shoulders. Abin Quank's power ring, which had been returned to him when IB and the others had arrived, was glowing brighter than ever. Space Ranger, Danny Blaine, Arachne, Sharky, Lash, Semi, Vee, Santa, Bugs, Marvin, Everyday Girl, Senor Widebottom, and all the others, they were all staring at him. IB wanted to fade and lie down and die. "They probably think I'm sure sort of nutty loudmouth wacko..." Then Cobie stood up, slowly but purposefully. "IB is right! We're the LMBP! We can't lose, not ever! Legion World is our home, and we'll never let some two-bit geeky Rainbow Man take it apart!" Numf-el stood up. "Ay, let's kick some Rainbow butt!" Fat Cramer spoke up. "For Legion World! For our founders! And for the LMBP! Let's win!" All around them, the LMBPers found hope again. They remembered their greatest triumphs, their greatest challenges, and they knew that they had the strength to do it. One by one, they all stood up and added their voices in agreement, and they all felt a oneness among them, a oneness that would never go away. IB smiled. Hang on, Legion World, we're on our way. It was a testament to their newfound sense of purpose that not a one of them even thought of sneaking back into the Hootchie Hut for one last drink.
Of course, later on, all the LMBPers present would agree never to speak of this incident again. Nightcrawler knew something kind of silly had happened, and he kept trying to find out what, because he would never let any of them, especially Cobie and IB, who had so foolishly made him stuck on LW, live it down. All of them just kept mum about the events at the Hootchie Hut, but they never, ever lost hope again. It was just better not to admit that they had all been so corny and silly back there, since nobody expects great heroes to blubber like a bunch of kids who had just been stood up at the prom.
[ January 05, 2004, 07:01 AM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
------------Quaaludius Restartius----------------
It was a fairly quiet night at SHAKES. Semi was behind the bar as usual and a couple of regulars were enjoying a few drinks and some almost quiet conversation.
Cobalt Kid, Stu and Abin Quank sat at one end of the bar laughing and joking about some of the recent hijinx around Legion World.
Some posters believe that SHAKES is a Gay Bar. It isn’t. Sure some of the regulars are gay but others are straight and a few defy description. SHAKES is one of those rare places where the regular crowd is not defined by labels. At SHAKES the mix changes from night to night and sometimes from hour to hour. You might find Icefire doing a pole dance, or either Cobalt, or Harbinger banging out tunes on the piano. The place might be crowded and noisy or just a few people might be having quiet conversations.
This was one of those quiet conversation nights. At least until Harbinger dropped by to congratulate Semi on his latest posting milestone (3100 posts I believe, which is a real feat). Semi was richly deserving of the recognition he received that day.
The ‘Binger is a stone cold knockout. A petite hazel eyed blonde who may have been the inspiration for the “Hooters” restaurant chain. And, she’s got it.
IT is that special quality that some people have that just makes them fun to be around. IT can’t be defined because IT is different for each and every person that has IT.
Semi has it. He’s someone with the ability to make people comfortable. Vee has it. He’s a nice pleasant guy who you want to be your friend. Stu has it. Only in his case it’s a special brand of zaniness that draws everyone around him into the fun. Cobalt has it. Only in his case it’s an ego so big it blocks out the sun but also helps to make Legion World a fun place to hang out (if only to watch it get regularly punctured). Actually, the vast majority of the regulars on Legion World have it. And in every case IT is a little different. But then there’s Abin Quank. Well, Umm… Abin had it, but he forgot where he put it. But he tries hard and he’s got a power ring. And that my friends, is what started all the trouble.
“Hi Guys!”
Four heads turned as Harbinger entered SHAKES…
----------------Quaaludius Interuptus-------------------------
Posted by Harbinger on :
The first thing they notice is my... I mean 'Bingers eyes aren't hazel really, more pale blue with flecks of warming pale ochres, the second thing they notice is her roots badly need sorting and her usual blonde countenance is somewhat marred by a dark brown streak in the middle of her head like Pepe le Pew in reverse and lastly they finally get around to noticing the filthy mood she is obviously in!
Quite literally there is a cloud above her head and it is POURING down on her!
"You been arguing with Pagan Lass again? you really shouldn't hide her mistletoe you know!"
"Oh no Abin, it wasn't that floozy and her mammoth jugs who is to blame for this, it's.....
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Unfortunately, before she could finish her statement, Cobalt, who had already worked his way through half of a Bass Ale Porta-Keg, chimed in.
"Drat, does this mean that my fantasy of licking Flaming Cherry Brandy from between your toes is going to go unfulfilled, AGAIN!"
Stu of course immediately fell off of his chair laughing. And Abin simply stared at the bedrageled woman in the doorway.
Behind the bar, Semi sighed softly, shook his head and decided that this was an opportune time to inventory the storeroom.
Now the Binger, no matter what her mood is always game for a bit of insanity, so she looked directly into Cobie's eyes and said...
Posted by Harbinger on :
"Cobie you disappoint me, I thought yours was a lot bigger than that.....as imaginations go if all you want is to lick it off my toes them I'm afraid I'll have to find someone else to dress as a french prostitute and regularly perform sexual acts upon if that's all you can think of doing to me"
The silence that followed was ruined somewhat by the hacking cough as Abin Quank choked on his own tongue.
"Anyway, as I was saying....."
[ January 05, 2004, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: Harbinger ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Cobalt face fell through the floor, which caused Semi to wince in the storeroom even though he hadn't seen the hole yet.
But again unfortunately, Harbinger's words were cut off as Pappa Rotzi burst thru the doors behind her.
"Inquiring Minds want to know," he shouted, "How long have you been Cobalt's Love Slave?"
The silence was deafening...
[ January 05, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...until Harbinger announced "Since I started wearing a French Maid's outfit and giving him back massages before long nights of love making". Pappa Rotzi, relatively satisfied for the time being smiled and said, "Oh."
Before anyone could respond however, Abin Quank turned to took a bottle, smashed it and held it to his throat! "That's it! I have to admit it! You see, I have a secret, and it's-"...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
"...that I secretly want to be a Eunuch, but Space Ranger won't let me!"
Now, all of them definately confused, they waited for Abin Quank to finish what he was talking about, while Cobalt secretly hoped that he would spit out whatever he was drinking onto his keyboard at the exact moment he read that with a smile and a laugh...
Posted by Space Ranger on :
But he didn't. Instead he threw down the bottle and began to laugh maniacally.
"So, Cobie you want to lick Flaming Cherry Brandy from between her toes? Well, That can be arranged!"
Green Energy flashed! Suddenly Icefires dancing pole was gone ans a small stage was set up in it's place. Harbinger, dressed as a French prostitute was seated on a large lounge. Cobalt, Dressed as a British Tar (How's yer history, Cobie?) complete with curliqued ponytail, Knelt at her feet, a bottle of brandy in one hand, his trusty Zippo in the other...
Suddenly, Stu interposed himself between Abin and the couple on stage.
"Don't try to stop me Stu. I'm tired of Cobie and my brother getting all the girls. Tonight they get whats coming to them!"
"Stop You? Who's trying to stop you? I just want ten minutes to sell tickets to this performance of the SHAKES Players. We'll be RICH!!!"
[ January 05, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Numf-El had had enough of this horseshit! For too long he sat by while Harbinger, Abin Quank and Cobalt Kid talked in circles! "Enough!" he yelled in a distinctly thicker Scottish accent. "An jus git wit a threesome already, will ya?"
And then he bought a ticket from StuRat.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Inivisble Brainiac, your last post was one of the best so far, I loved it! Promise to get back to the story soon!
And Cobalt definately considers you his younger brother !
*end interlude
Posted by Space Ranger on :
The tickets sold like wildfire. Numf and Sonnie bought the first two, followed quickly by SoM, Greybird and HWW. Invisible brainiac tried to get in using his fake ID but was quickly hustled off to the kitchen to wash dishes. Sharky, SLK, and the Empress were pressed into Security Duty, and Space Ranger was assigned to keep the peace backstage.
The audience settled into place quickly, even Vee came, transported out of his sickbed by Pagan Lass. (Danny, Kippers, and Icey volunteered to keep him warm during the performance, as Semi was busy supervising Mantis and the Serving Droids so they wouldn't be overwhelmed by the unexpected crowd) Nighty, LL and SG sat in the Founder's Box, which just happened to Magicly appear as they got to the head of the line. (Stu even gave them a special price for their tickets.)
Pappa Rotzi had the review half written before the play started.
But then Just as Cobie started pouring the Cherry Brandy over Harbinger's lower extremities, while waiving the Zippo over his head to a rousing chorus of catcalls, (Mostly from Fat Cramer, Arachne, Jinx, and Stoopid Cat who were all curled up in the Front Row) Pov's voice suddenly cried out...
[ January 05, 2004, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
..."Stop the wedding! That's my bride you have there partner!" Everyone looked at Pov with eyebrows raised, as he suddenly ran down to the front row, and knocked Arachne and Fat Cramer out of the way. Grabbing Jinx in his arms, Pov looked deep into her eyes and said "I wanna rock your world!"
Even more confused, things got even weirder when Icefyre suddenly said...
Posted by Space Ranger on :
I have an announcement to make Everyone...
" I'm Really A Straight Woman named Abigail VanHussy!"
At that point Harbinger thought "This is getting really BORING!" and ripped off her clothes then began pouring Cherry Brandy between her heaving breasts...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...and it was more than anyone could take! Leaping for a nipple, Cobalt lunged forward as the rest of the crowd erupted in a full scale orgy! Stu yelled "jackpot" as everyone at Legion World scrambled to buy a ticket who wasn't already there!
Suddenly...
Posted by Space Ranger on :
The Universe Blinked!
And off in the distance the laughter of MLLash could be heard as SHAKES slowly faded into Legion World History!
No explination has ever been found for what happened at SHAKES that night. But the final scene from that wild orgy is seared into everyones memory.
quote: originally posted by Stu
[STU puppy, who makes his home behind the bar, quietly sneaks out the doggy door with a thick wad (of bills) in his mouth]
[ January 05, 2004, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...and we are taken right back to where we were before this strange continuity blip! Images of Harbinger's bosoms will be stuck in our minds forever...
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
... though therapy was available! (And necessary....)
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
A tired Cobalt went to bed last night after a lively exchange with Abin and Harbinger, but promises to get back to the story when he's not at work .
IB, you were on a roll too! Great couple of posts before !
*end interlude*
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
... therapy is STILL suggested for to those stuck with the mental image of Harbi's chest though....
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Upcoming story segment: Dr, Mayavale on Legion World!
It was a dark and stormy night (somewhere) when the odd spaceship entered a parking orbit above Legion World...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Ah, the missing pages of SHAKES were a bit funny...
-cut back to the story-
Invisible Brainiac has just gotten the assembled LMBers to get their act together and return to Legion World, to stop the hideous wrath of the Rainbow Man of Ekron and the man controlling it, Master-Baiter (and his daughter Vibra-tor).
StuRat has just encountered StuChiaElephant...
Legion World is almost completely deserted, only a few LMBers remain there. But it is not defenseless, although weakened. The LMBers there are: new members Blacula, Esk, FunTimeFerro (FTF for short) and Tromium Crystal, Super Lad Kid, Doctor One, Nightcrawler, Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl.
On their way to Legion World are Kid Prime, Greybird, Emerald Empress, Pagan Lass, Americommando, Actor Lad and SaturnRings.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Faraway Lad arrived on Legion World after Stu had sent him there. Looking around, he realized that it was almost deserted, with even the citizens who always existed in the backround off the streets.
"Faraway" said Saturn Girl to him telepathically. "Come to Headquarters quickly, Legion World is in trouble"
Joining the others, Faraway noticed that Blacula, SaturnRings (who actually shot telepathic rings that stung like bullets), Tromium Crystal and FunTimeFerro guarding the entrance. "If these newbies are the first line of defense, we're in trouble" he thought. Up on the roof was Doctor One and Super Lad Kid, as Doctor One calculated when the Rainbow Man of Ekron would arrive. Super Lad Kid looked on, having saved the day pretty recently, unsure that he could do something like that again.
Faraway joined the founders, who looked grim. Nightcrawler spoke up, "Let the battle come, I'm sick of this 'protect the founders crap'. Today I'm joining in on the battle and from here on out I leave Legion World when I want to." Lightning Lad smiled at him, "sounds good Gary, just make sure to where pants."
"Esk had a dream that the Rainbow Man was coming" Saturn Girl told Faraway. "With almost the entire LMB gone, we're going to be in trouble. We'll have to do everything we can..." Faraway put a hand on her shoulder, and another on Lightning Lad's. "It'll be alright. What ever happens, happens. I say lets get a quick beer, and then let the Rainbow Man come. No matter what happens, there'll be a big battle...it's the LMB way" he smiled.
They all nodded, and awaited would could be their doom...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Thanks, Cobie! I had a crative rush after this girl... Sigh... Anyway... Too bad I missed the hijinks at Shakes, though... Well, actually I didn't. One advantage of being invisible Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Saturn Girl heard a crash from somewhere up above them. They all did. "Could that be... the Rainbow Man?" stammered Faraway. "I doubt it. The Rainbow Man is too powerful for just a simple crash. I'd have expected a "boom" from it. Or maybe a "brooooop", something that big must have an awful big fart too." replied LL. Saturn Girl smiled. She loved the way her husband always managed to lighten the tension in the room as easily as he generated a bolt of lightning. That was as great a power, and probably even more important. She could see that everybody else had relaxed considerably. They would never triumph if they let fear cloud their senses. Nightcrawler spoke up. "I agree. Still, there could be intruders up there, since I doubt any of or new members would be fooling around with one another at this time. We should go neutralize them immediately, before they pose a threat to us. LL, Faraway, you're with me. Saturn Girl, keep tabs on the intruders telepathically." SG nodded. Lightning Lad and Nightcrawler made such a great team, each balancing the other's weaknesses and reinforcing the other's strengths. They may have been greatly different, but they were so very alike in one important way. Both were great heroes. "Be careful, honey. I love you." she said as Nightcrawler teleported them away. She just had time to see her husband mouth the words "I love you too." After so much time spent as heroes, they were used to danger. But SG and LL never forgot their little ritual, a sign of their true love for each other. Saturn Girl let her powerful telepathic abilities loose. In a microsecond, she had pinpointed the intruders' thought patterns. She quickly scanned for outermost thoughts, and found none. Odd, that. It could be someone looking for help. She probed deeper. And she found something which made her gasp. She quickly contacted LL. Nightcrawler's irritation at being stuck on LW would make him overly hasty this time, and a battle with the "intruders" would be the last ting they needed.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Nightcrawler crept up to the door of the upper storeroom. Sensors had indicated that the crash came from here. Ordinarily, in a situation like this, they would just have checked the securicams. But nobody really expected anything dangerous to occur in an old dusty storeroom, and many of the members liked a little privacy in there when they were feeling naughty. He motioned for LL and Faraway to come closer. Nightcrawler was confident that the three of them would be able to handle this. Heck, he could probably handle it on his own, the way he was feeling right now. He was MAD. Leaving him behind on Legion World was such a blatant sign of disrespect. Nightcrawler tried to calm himself. He needed a cool head to deal with this situation. He put his ear right next to the doorframe, and listened to the voices. "Ouch, get off me!" "I TOLD you I had the right path!" "What is this place?" "Oh, it's a very, very nice place indeed." "This dump?!" "Shut up, all of you! We've got to get Nightcrawler, fast!" "Aw, it's not like he can do aything..." Nighcrawler's powerful muscles tensed, and his eyes blazed. Bad enough that CK and IB had made him stay behind, and that only Abin Quank had noticed. Bad enough that he was being forced to wait here while the others were seeing all the action. Bad enough that they were probably off goofing around while Legion World was in imminent danger. Now someone actually had the guts to atack him, here in his home! And they had insulted him! Forget that some of the voices definitely sounded familiar. Forget that they had not made any hostile moves yet. Forget that Saturnn Girl was mindscanning them as they stood there, and would tell them everything that they neeed to know soon. Not do anything? He wanted to stick his cutlass in somebody's throat! How s that for doing something? "Nightcrawler! SG's trying to tell us something!" whispered Faraway. But Nightcrawler barely heard him. He barely saw LL concentrating as SG was "talking" to him. He barely heard SG's voice in his mind, telling him to stop; his thoughts were in too much turmoil. He growled. "I'm going in!"
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Nightcrawler ported in with a loud and angry Bamf! He reappeared on a high stack of boxes, and as he focused his eyes in the darkness he saw at least half a dozen figures on the floor. He focused on the one that was in the middle, the big one who was talking like he was their leader. He didn't even take the time to make out any details. ll he needed to know was that he was in the worst, angriest mood of his life, and those dweeks dwon there were going to pay for helping pt him in it. Drawing his cutlass, he ported again. He was in such a rush he almost castrated himself by accident.
Nightcrawler reappeared again, his cutlass raised high. He brought it down hard on his opponent's head. And the shock nearly killed him.
"You all right?" Nightcrawler willed himself to stand up. They may have captured him, but he wouldn't go dwon without a fight. What he saw stunned him. Kid Prime was holding his sword, a slight gash on hisb head. Grey Birdboy was hovering over him, a bemused smile on his face. The Empress was giving him a frosty look of disdain, and Pagan Lass was stifling a giggle. Saturnrings was staring in awe at Saturn Girl, who was feeling his head. Lightning Lad offered a hand to him, with a very wide grin that threatened to blosom into a laugh. "Kid Prime? That intruder was you?!" "Unfortunately fpr you, it was. You're lucky this didn;t break," KP said, fingering the cutlass, "and you're lucky you're pretty strong, or you wouldn't be sitting there feeling like a big fat idiot right now." KP actually smiled at this point, abig surprise coming from the usually grim mechanoid. Nightcrawler's cheeks reddened. He had been so angry over the past few days that he just hadn't though at all. He should have "listened" to Saturn Girl's telepathic message. "I'm sorry... I should've worked faster." said SG. At least she didn't have a wide grin on HER face. Unfortunately, LL did. "No worries, dear, Faraway and I got the message. Nightcrawler just didn't bother to check his mail." "But, you said something about getting me, and me not being able to do anything..." "We were going to get you to report to you, and then Pagan Lass reminded us that you wouldn't be able to do anything to help EDE, and that we should go to Doctor One first." Nightcrawler's cheeks reddened even more. "I'm really sorry, guys." The words stung a bit. How could he have let his anger get the better of him? It was a good thing Kp had been his target. He could easily have killed one of his other friends. Saturn Girl smiled."Don't worry about it. We all have our off days." KP nodded. "No harm done. We ARE partially to blame, after all. But never mind that. We have to start planning for the arrival of the Rainbow Man. Saturn Girl tells me that you guys already know about that. I guess we rushed here for little reason then." "Oh, we have great reason to be here. Legion World will need every warm, super-powered body we can find to help defend it from this threat." said Grey. "I just hope EDE recovers in time. And maybe the two Lori Mornings too." "Where'd you find him? And how'd you guys get here anyway?" "A long story. We traveled through Senor Widebottom's humorously oversized pantaloons. It seems that it connects to this storeroom as well, which explains why SW mentioned something about getting free shows to watch in his pantaloos. And we freed EDE from the Master-Baiter's lair, right before our cruiser got destroyed, necessitating the need to use SW's HOP." answered KP. "If he is the real Master-Baiter. STU's message said that it might not be." SG pointed out. "Yes, another complication. I hope STU is wrong for once, but I rather doubt that." said the Empress. Her words brought an ominous chill to the air. The Master-Baiter was already so powerful; if he was merely impersonating an even more powerful being... "We'll worry about that later. Right now, since STU and He Who Wanders are gone, I'm leader." Nightcrawler said, calmly but surely. His anger was gone now; he was back to being the Nightcrawler everyone would follow to hell and back. "The Rainbow Man is coming, and we're going to make sure he gets a welcome party that he's never going to forget."
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
The Rainbow Man of Ekron approached Legion World. It was a massive golem assemlbed together with some of the most powerful weapons in the universe. Unthinking, it knew that it was to raze Legion World to the ground, destroying everything that it could.
Not too far off, the Master-Baiter and his daughter, the ultra-hot Vibra-tor, were also journeying to Legion World, hoping the reep the benefits of the Rainbow Man's victory.
--------------------------
"He's almost here," said Doctor One.
"Everyone get ready," replied Nightcrawler. "We're going to need everyone for this. Unless the rest of the LMBP can get here in time, it's going to be up to us. We need to at least hold him off until the cavalry arrives."
Greybird nodded. "Like Leonidas' Spartans, we'll defend Legion World as they did defending Thermopolyae!"
-------------------
Minutes later...the Rainbow Man of Ekron arrived.
Posted by Harbinger on :
To make sure the welcoming party would be ready they all got changed out of their dirty dusty clothes as they wanted to make a good first impression, Grey showed a particular talent for sewing so he made the banners (very nice they were too), Doctor One and Nightcrawler tried to bake cakes (not realising that the Rainbow Man would be there in a matter of minutes) and Numf El,in an inspired moment, picked some fresh flowers and arranged them beautifully. Of course there was the usual squabble over which music to play but they finally settled on Belle and Sebastion 'a space boy dream', mostly because in the fight to get control of the disc player Lardy sat on the other discs <SQuiiiish!> and that was all they had left.
Other than that there wasn't much to do so they...
[ January 08, 2004, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: Harbinger ]
Posted by Abin Quank on :
...were totally surprosed when StuChiaElephant appeared.
Yes, the ultimate mainifestation of the 7412 possible incarnations of STU had arrived on Legion World.
But...
No, they were not happy to see him. Mainly because he appeared right in the middle of the Buffet Table and being somewhat larger than your average Chia Pet...
Well it was a mess... but at least no-one was injured, if you don't count Pagan Lass winding up with a bowl of potato salad on her head... But that wasn't the reason they were unhappy with his appearance.
"Nightcrawler, Prepare yourself," He announced in stenotorian tones, "We must depart for Orgasmis Major at once!"
Posted by Harbinger on :
This announcement actually made them happy as they all knew that Nightcrawler, the swashbuckling superstar, had not left Legion World in too long.
The reason they weren't happy is because STU had squashed Numf's beautifully arranged Daffodils and Tulips, and had pooped in the trifle!
"That's it" cried....
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Pagan Lass, combing potato salad out of her luxuriant scarlett tresses, and quickly fixing her hair when she was done with that.
"I'd call Harbinger to settle you, STU-Whateverthehellyouare, but the gossipy little Get's mailbox is full, so chew on this spell!"
She made a series of swift hand motions and watched in amazement as StuChiaElephant simply opened his mouth and swallowed her spell.
"Mmmm... Tasty, flavored with Hemlock? But I've no time for this."
His trunk lashed out and encircled Nightcrawlers waist...
Posted by Harbinger on :
And in a jumbo sized bamf they were gone!
Well the party was over before the guests had even arrived! Pagan Lass was moaning about the state of her hair while everyone else was trying not to stare at the state of her hair - Pagan Lass was unawares that her mistletoe had somehow fallen off in the teleportation spell STU had used. It would not be far from the truth to say she needed a good waxing!
Numf El, ever the soul of tact and all round gentleman exclaimed...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
"Look, it's the RED Forest... Or maybe the Black Forest on fire... Not sure witch, get it! WITCH... HarDeeHarBinger..."
At which (see the difference?) point he was suddenly covered in Poison Ivy as Pagan Lass turned and stalked out of the room (By the light of a pair of well tanned moons)
But even as that happened, on Orgasmis Major...
Posted by Harbinger on :
They were wondering what was happening on Legion World, so as to not disappoint them we'll return there.
Numf El may have been covered in poison Ivy, but after the many many years of substance and alcohol and drug abuse he'd lived through all this did was give him a slight itch, but as he had a large family of crabs (of the crustatea kind!), several space pygmys and a small honeymoon yatch hidden within his overly hairy chest the poison ivy wasn't much of a worry to him. In fact he kind of enjoyed it!
What was a worry though was...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...the Rainbow Man of Ekron arriving! Even worse, it began ravaging the buildings of Legion World! Grabbing Pagan Lass in his hand, it began scaling the largest building on Legion World, the Empire Phallis Building...
[ January 08, 2004, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Harbinger on :
And boy, could Pagan Lass ever scream....
[ January 08, 2004, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: Harbinger ]
Posted by Pagan Lass on :
StuRat and Icefire sitting in a hottub with the two Leading Mayte Swappers of Orgasmis Major, G. Spot Tickler and her Mayte of the Week, T. Fuzzball Liquor.
As soon as they materialized they were greeted by Icefyre's cheery voice calling out...
Posted by Harbinger on :
"Did you remember to bring the feather dusters?"
....
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Nightcrawler almost exploded! he whirled on StuChiaElephant and...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...suddenly saw an evil looking wizard type man watching them from afar! Immediately, he knew that this was the true enemy of this whole debacle. His name was...
Posted by Harbinger on :
meanwhile in the Sheraton, Doctor Jeep played on and on and on. Or so I've heard. BTTW Did I ever tell you about the time I nearly met Andrew Eldritch?
Anyway, on Legion world the Rainbow Man was getting ever closer to fulfilling his objective of obliterating all know joy and fun and warmth and all round good times from the universe, as although he didn't know it Pagan Lass was actually the embodiment of these and by carrying her up the side of the tower... well lets say things might not get any prettier! Read on...
[ January 08, 2004, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: Harbinger ]
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Geroge Pasey and except for being very ugly he had nothing to do with anything. So forget about him fot the next 5.375 pages.
But while Nightcrawler was looking at UGLYMAN, (George's Super-Villian name, even though he has nothing to do with this story [Yet!]) He was HISSING at StuChiaElephant...
"Legion World is under attack and you bring me here? Why?"
[ January 08, 2004, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Harbinger on :
Meanwhile Pagan Lass was feeling faint as she was being kept away from the life force of the planet by the Rainbow Man holding onto her as he climbed the tower. There were a few Bi planes, and a bi-starhavenite swooping around him, their ineffective attempts to shoot at the terrible golem were truly useless!
Which is nothing to do with the next bit but it is better that we leave this section for now as...
Posted by Pagan Lass on :
"It's my fault Nighty," StuRat said, climbing out of the Hot Tub, "Icefire can't go with us so I needed him distracted when we leave."
"Leave? Leave for where?"
"Earth actually, but the real Question isn't where it's when?"
Posted by Harbinger on :
Yeah, good question! When?
Soon as Possible please, chop chop.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Cute, Cutie, Real Cute Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
In the meantime, the rest of the LMBP had arrived on Legion World. "Hey, look! A buffet!" said Cobie. Everybody turned to look at the banquet, and they immediately swooped down and began arguing over who would get to eat the last remaining cake. Unfortunately, while they were all arguing, Invisible Brainiac went ahead and ate it, and then ran away to hid in SHAKES because everyone knew he wasn't old enough to get in, so they wouldn't think to look for him there. All except Everyday Girl, who was pouting because the whole climb-the-Phallic-building-with-a-large-hand-squeezing-her-breasts thing was supposed to be her scene with King Kong.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Once the LMBPers saw that the beautiful chocolate cake in the middle of the table had disappeared, they all freaked out majorly. They had just gotten here after a long space flight, and they hadn't stopped to eat because they had been in a hurry to save Legion World.
Of course, now that they were here, they should have been beating up on the Rainbow Man, but that would have been out of character for them, and anything out of character would have made Lightning Lad and company suspicious, and that would never do! If he ever found out that they had all *gasp* cried on each other's shoulders in the Hootchie Hut, except for Lardy and Numf, who had cried on Everyday Girl's bosom, or if he found out that they had all *double gasp* had a really large group hug, or *triple gasp* that they had all sang the Barney song together while holding hands, they would never hear the end of it. Bad enough that LL had the highest post count on LW so far without giving him something which might add to his ego. So they all acted just like the Giffen Justice League would in the circumstances: bicker, bicker, bicker.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
IB was sitting in behind the bar of SHAKES, devouring the chocolate cake that he had swiped from the buffet. He knew the other LMBPers wouldn't mind that he hadn't joined the battle they must be waging right now, they were too protective of him, anyways. Suddenly, he heared a crash from the window behind him. He bolted upright, fading as he did so. He peeked over the bar cautiously, and saw the Emerald Empress sauntering over in his direction.
"Invisible Brainiac?" she called out in the royal tones that only Princess Crujectra among the LMBPers could match. "I know you're in here. I have need of your... services. It is finally time. Do not keep me waiting." she said all this without raising her voice in the slightest. IB's heart was pounding. Services? Cobie had told him all about this before. He became visible in a jiffy.
"Um, sure, y-your majesty." IB stammered as he tried to remember Cobie's advice. "Don't go too fast, don't go too slow, keep your voice low and husky, use your assets, and do it just like I would." Cobie had told him the other day. "Master-Bait often too, it helps keep you in practice. And feel free to use the tape archives in my Security Office, they can be really helpful." Cobie had said with a smirk. "And remember, don't push yourself too hard; you have potential, but remember, you need a lot of practice to become as good as I am."
IB tried to find the right pitch of voice, but filed miserably, and ended up sounding like he had a bad wedgie. "I'm right here, milady. Would you like to do it on the floor, or shall I carry you to the bed?"
The Empress lookd at IB, and burst out laughing.
[ January 09, 2004, 02:55 AM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
"You have been spending far too much time with Cobalt Kid, young one. Did you really think I would use you for that? I still have my harem, you know."
Poor IB looked both embarrassed and crestfallen. He should have known; he wasn't ready for that yet, anyway.
The Empress caught IB's expression, and felt sorry for him. "Invisible Brainiac, you know you ae still underage. You'll just have to wait until you are 18. I am certain you will do well then." IB brightened up at that. The poor child! So young, and already not so innocent. She would have to have a talk with Cobalt Kid about being careful of his influence on the youngster. But now was not the time. "I still need you right now, though, for something much more important. The Rainbow Man is here, and it has Pagan Lass in his clutches. And so is the Emerald Eye. I shall need your help to retrieve it, so we can put an end to this madness."
IB jerked at that announcement. "M-me? But- why? Where are the others? The ainbow Man can't have..."
"No, they are... busy right now. It doesn't matter. I know you have great power, and even though you cannot control it yet, I will be able to make use of it."
IB fingered the power inhibitors on his earlobes and on his ring fingers. They looked like plain gold rings, and he knew he looked a little like a punk with them. But these four were just barely enough to keep his energy powers in check. He had nearly incinerated his school when they first manifested; lucky for his friends he had been able to fly into outer space before he had hurt anyone. "No, I can't! I don't have the proper control yet! I might end up killing everyone-"
The Empress placed a soft hand on his shoulder. Hm, this has the makings of some nice muscle, she thought. I shall definitely save a place in my harem for this one. Aloud, she said, "Lightning Lad and the others have been training you for a while now. I believe that you can handle all that power, at least long enough to help me get the Eye back. You have to believe in yourself, like I do, like Cobalt Kid does, like the rest of the LMBP does. If you will help me, you must do so soon, or else all will be lost! Decide now, while we still have time to act!"
IB stared at the floor. He was still afraid to use his full powers now; sometimes, he still had nightmares about the first time they had appeared. His old friends, screaming as a blazing sun seemed to appear in the spot where he had been standing... And then he focused on his new friends. The LMBP. They hadn't been scared at all. They had welcomed him, accpeted him, even toiled day and night to dream up those inhibitors to allow him a chance at a normal life. They had glady accepted him into their ranks, and he was grateful for it. Now was the chance to repay them.
"I'll do it."
Posted by Stoopid Cat on :
**PURR**
Nice Story IB, Except for the *Hiss* Barney Song *Hiss* Cats hate the *Hiss* Barney Song *Hiss*
**Purr**
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Thanks, Stoopid Cat, and don't worry, I hate it too. Yech! Hm... No wonder my cousin's cat always screeches whenever Barney is on. And here I thought it was the ugly purple costume.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Cobalt Kid missed his school days. The fun. The friends. The gossip. The sports. The teachers. The action in the janitor's closet. The goofy experiments in the lab.
The food fights.
"This is so just like high school!" Cobie yelled as he threw a plae of spaghetti at Princess Cru. At this point in the fight, nobody really cared about the missing cake anymore. It had degenerated into a messy mix of mayhem, just like the elections at IB's homeworld often did. But then, in the LMBP, important issues are often ignored and fogotten when something more fun comes along. Cobie thought it was because all the members were just natural fun-lovers. Doctor One diagnosed them as suffering from below-toddler-level attention spans, but then he had never gotten around to filing the report on it, so nobody else knew about it. Lester Spiffany thought they were all just stupid, but then, Cobie thought, they weren't the ones who fell into an activated Threshold after trying to catch a flying bottle of caviar.
If the winner of a food fight is decided by the number of targets he or she has hit, then Bugs Bunny would definitely be the winner. His total trouncing of his opponents can be accredited to superhuman aim, the quickness of his brain, the speedy hopping of all rabbits, the surefire strategies he employed, and the years of practice against such worthy opponents as Daffy Duck or Yosemite Sam. Or, for you cynics out there, it can just be because he's a frigging cartoon character, for grife's sake!
Poor Everyday Girl was caught in a vicious cycle. Everytime she lifted her hand to throw something, Nobody would tickle her hard while No-one would call her name from the opposite direction. As a result, the food on the arm stretched high above her head would fall with a messy plop! right on her hair. She would hastily wipe it off with a loud yuck!, then grab another plate. And thus the cycle would begin anew.
The Empress knew she would need those three too, but she was wondering if she would survive haing them along for the ride.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Cobalt Kid was breathing heavily from effort. At his side, Invisible Brainiac was struggling. He desperatley wanted to wipe the sweat from his eyes, but he was afraid he would lose the rhythm he was making.
"You okay, IB? Don't strain yourself too hard; it's not easy keeping up with me!"
"Parts of me are going to be sore all week. Th-this is my first time!" IB replied. Cobie was too much for him to handle!
On top of them, the Empress was enjoying herself thoroughly. She always insisted on being on top, and none of the men on LW had so far been able to tur her down. She almost gggled with delight, but stopped herself with a strong will built up by years of royal experience. These two were strong, and with great stamina; they would make perfect attendants. "Push harder, you two! I do not like to be kept waiting!"
"Yes, your majesty!" Cobie said. This was exciting; he had never tried this before, but Lardy and Numf had both assured him it was a hell of a blast, and he was finding their words to be very true. "Come on, IB, let's see how good you are!"
"Huff, huff, huff... wait up, I'm only a kid, remember?"
Bugs Bunny munched on a crunchy carrot as he looked on in a mixture of interest and disdain. These Legion Worlders were weirder than any of the maroons he had met in his long career. But that was why he loved them. Weird was what he did, and after this adventure, Daffy Duck would finally have to admit that he was better. Finally, he could get that foul-mouthed fowl out of his hair-er, fur.
Everyday Girl fought back her jealousy. That withc Pagan Lass had stolen her special moment from her, the one thing that (in her opinion) had made her stand out! How dare she copy the scene that she had had with King Kong on top of that long, pointy building? She would help find a way to stop it, with Nobody if need be!
Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl and Greybird watched the Empress' little group from the command center of Legion World. All three had already tried to rescue Pagan Lass, and they hadn't fared very well. Kid Prime, Faraway Lad and He Who Wanders were still out there somewhere, lost in the chaos. EDE was being cared for by Doctor One; the two Lori Mornings, possessed of the tenacity of youth, had already recovered and were proving to be as much of a nuisance as the Rainbow Man. STU and Nightcrawler were of on Orgasmis Major with Icey, and for all any of them knew they could have been doing anything from risking life and limb to find a way to save Legion World to sipping cocktails and enjoying the pleasures of Orgasmis Major. The rest of the LMBP were still having the massive foodfight, and they knew that trying to stop them now would just lead to disaster.
"So, what do we do know?" Lightning Lad finally spoke up.
The question hung in the air. Despite all their combined intelligence and experience, none of them knew the answer.
"The Empress is our only chance. She MUST carry out her plan before Master-Baiter arrives here." said Saturn Girl, finally. That was the only possible answer.
"The question now is, which Master-Baiter? From what STU tells us, there could be hundreds of others out there, ranging from insignificant big-league wannabes to the great-grandsire of them all!" Grey said. "We need to act fast, else they catch us unprepared."
"We must trust in the Empress and company." replied SG, who always tried to maintain some optimism. They had gotten out of some bad scrapes before. "But I agree, we should help too."
They both turned towards Lightning Lad. As the ranking member in the room, it was up to him. LL sighed; he felt his duty was to help out, but he didn't exactly relish the leadership role. But he knew how important his duty was. "We can't do it all alone. Let's see if we can break up that food fight. Hey, more impossible things have happened!"
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Empress and company showed up at the scene where poor Pagan Lass was tickling the Rainbow Man with her hair. Unfortunately, it would loosen its grip on her, and then tighten it again, and Pagan Lass' hair was quickly becoming a disaster so bad that Philippe might not be able to repair it.
Cobie and IB collapsed on the ground, one atop each other. Working for the Empress was always a big workout!
The Empress, Bugs and Everyday Girl climbed out of the triple-decker sleigh Cobie and IB had been pulling. (Well, why did you think they were so tired?) "Why did you not conserve your strength like I told you to? Your foolish race may have jeopardized our mission!"
"B-but you TOLD us to push harder!" "You SAID you would throw us in the dungeons with your giant gay sex-hungry guardsman from Sadismus VII if we didn't hurry!" "But you didn't have to compete with each other so much!" said the Empress coolly. (Well, what else did you think Cobie meant about IB not being able to keep up?) "Now come, we must hurry!" Empress said as she walked off.
IB tried to pull himself up, without much success. "Are all women like that, Cobie?" Cobie shook his head as he tried to sit up. "For both our sakes, I hope not!"
Posted by Numf El on :
Sitting alone in his corner of SHAKES, picking chocolate cake from his hair, Numfie nursed his 3rd pint of Caffreys of the evening. He knew that it was as much as he could handle, but he was in a sullen mood and he didn‘t give the proverbial flying fuck.. Truth be told, he had been in a sullen mood since he returned from his mission with Harbinger. He had made his own little cave in the corner, and kept the social intercourse, even with his fellow LMBPers to a minimum, immersed as he was in his own private world. She’d done it again. Just when he thought they were getting somewhere. Starting to get past their bonds of “Friendship”. And then she treated him like a big brother, and ran away with the guy with the “muscles“. There were plenty of normal muscles on Legion World - more than their share for that section of the galaxy, in fact. No, it was real power that Harbi had always craved. It was always power that attracted her, the more dangerous the better. She didn’t realise that the dangers she faced in her Legion roles were nothing to the dangers she let herself in for when she let a man like that into her life. Because powerful men like that took whatever it was that they needed to continue to feel powerful. And Harbi didn’t realise that she, herself, only added to their power. Being in control of a being of Harbis stature opened doors, in all sorts of wrong places.
Darkseid - that was the worst yet. He was just a plain, common or garden cunt.
Numfie hadn’t spoken to Harbi since her return. He had tried once, but had received the cold shoulder treatment. In fact, none of the other female Legioners had spoken to him since her return either come to think of it. Bitch must have been telling stories in the powder room. How he’d abandoned her. Aye, right! Her decision - she’s a big girl. He’d tried in the past to stop her giving herself to the dangerous ones. He’d tried in vain, embarrassing himself in the process. Didn’t stop him caring though. Didn’t stop him being hurt.
But as she had quite reasonably put it in the past - What the fuck did it have to do with him?
Posted by Numf El on :
“Hey, Numfster, how yi doin’?” asked Harbi, sidling alongside as if from nowhere. As if by magic, not a spot of chocolate cake had landed on her gossamer white dress. “Get yersel’ tae fuck,” answered Numfie drunkenly. “There’s no need for that, now. I came to apologise. I haven’t really spoken to you since I was rescued, but I must confess I’ve been a bit pre-menstrual. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve bought you another pint,” said Harbi. “Mind? Me? I never mind somebody else getting the beers in - I guess you knew that. However, don‘t think you‘ve been forgiven,” said Numfie, trying to wrestle the recently offered beer from Harbis fingers. “It’s a bloody easy excuse for you to use. Pre-bloody-menstrual. Hormone imbalance. Aye, right. And how the fuck am I to confirm this, like?” “I’ll just nip away to the powder room and bring you back a used ta.....” “Okay, okay, I’ll take your work for it!” interjected Numf. “See, the thought of menstrual cycles scares us men so much that you’ve won your bloody argument (no pun intended) without actually having to prove anything. Like I said - too easy.” “So, what’s your reason for not talking to me? For not seeking me out. I thought you would have been happy to see me out of his clutches,” said Harbi, edging closer to Numf. “Beer. That’s my reason for not talking to you. There’s only so many hours in the day, and there’s so much beer un-drunk in this world, that I’ve been taking it upon myself to try and remedy the situation,” offered Numf. “Well, that’s a fuckin’ piss poor reason , if ever I heard one,” smiled Harbi. “Now, what’s really going on?” she asked in the sweetest of honey-coated tones. “You don’t want to know,” slurred Numf, turning his head away from Harbi, to stop her looking him in the eye. He quaffed some more ale. And some more. “Ah, the Humfie-Numfie approach to questioning. I see. Now, you realise that if you don’t get out of your strop in about 3 seconds flat, I’ll just have to tickle you,” stated Harbi, in such a matter-of fact way that you could swear that she had been a teacher in another existence. “Fuck off!” hinted Numfie, with the start of a grin appearing on his fizzog.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Hey, Sonnie - what’re Numfie and Harbinger up to?” asked Cobalt of Numfies younger brother. “Oh, that’s the patented Belinda “Get Numfs out of a Sulk”TM method,” replied Sonnie. “Oh, fair enough. Better not let Abin see them, he might get jealous,” said Cobie. “Why, does he want to tickle my brother?” asked Sonnie, with an evil glint in his eye. “No, but talking of which.....” started Cobie. “Okay, lead the way,” answered Sonnie conspiratorially, grabbing Cobie by the crotch and lightly pulling him towards the back exit (pun intended).
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, Numfie. Let me get this straight. You have spent the time since you arrived back in our own time getting quietly plastered in a corner. And the reason being that you’ve been worried about me. You’ve been worried that Darkseid has been giving me one up the shitter with that huge, thick, never less than rock hard cock of his against my will. Is that right?” “Against your will, aye, that’ll be right,” sneered the Numfster. “Listen - enough of your puerile nonsense. Just because back door sex isn’t your scene, it doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it,” said Harbi, raising her voice perhaps more than was entirely necessary. “And what the fuck is it to you anyway?”
“Yay, Girl!” “You tell him sister!” Scattered rounds of applause.
“oops. I guess that was a bit louder than I meant.” “Hey, Sonnie!” shouted Numf. “You missed a bit on your chin,” he said, indicating on his own exactly where the missed patch was. Wiping it clean Sonnie replied “Thanks bruv. I’m owe you a beer!” and so saying he headed to the bar.
“Anyway, Harbi, it wasn’t so much the sexual aspect of it that worried me, it was the instant desire to give everything to Darkseid, just as soon as he showed you that he could conjure up a castle from the very ground. I saw you do similar things with guys who happened to have their house keys on a Porsche keyring when you were about 19. And you know how horrible that ended up, don’t you. At least by the time you were 21 you were at least waiting until you were in their Porsche before sucking them off.” “Yeah, I learned to check that they actually had a car first. Those were the days,” sighed Harbi wistfully. “Sorry, getting off track a bit. You don’t seem to appreciate your own worth. You don’t need Darkseid to be important. You don’t impress anyone by being his loveslave. Or even his companion. I haven’t even asked - how long were you actually there for? Because time passes differently there doesn’t it?” asked Numfie. “Twenty seven years. But it’s okay, he’s fixed it so that I never grow a day older,” replied Harbi. She sighed. “It was a bloody long time. Tell me, why didn’t you come back and rescue me?” “I didn’t realise that you needed rescuing. You’re a big girl, and you went of your own free will, didn’t you. It wasn’t my place to interfere. You’ve made that perfectly clear in the past, haven’t you?”
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Welcome back, Numf! Love where your new posts are taking us so far!
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Numfie, this one I had to read three times before commenting. And even now I find myself wondering what I missed while chuckling and guffawing at the bits I caught. Great stuff. And I'm not jealous, No I'm Not, Yet... But, You can fix that...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
And then suddenly without any explanation, Jim Brown, the legendary football player appeared before the LMBP!
"Worlds will die! Chaos will reign! The terror has begun!" Using his amazing mystic abilities, Jim Brown turned all the LMBPers into Centaurs!
"I'll be back soon" he said, and was gone!
Posted by Space Ranger on :
“So, why can’t Icefire go with us?” Nighty’s question came just as StuChiaElephant completed the spell which would take our two heroic heroes back in time to the JSMBP’s Secret HQ, where the Really, Truly, and for sure this time, threat of the Master-Baiter waited to be dealt with.
“Because it would set up a Time-Pair of Doxies if he met one of the members of the JSMBP.” StuRat answered as the necessary time-travel special effects came into being around our two adventurous heroes. Multi-colored lights began to swirl, and a rather odd phone booth flashed before their eyes, followed by Quislet,Esq’s new avatar, many numbered rings, a treadmill, a rabbit hole, some soap-bubbles with various people in them, and finally a man sitting in a chair attachéd to 19th century scientific apparatus.
Unbeknownst to our two intrepid heroes however, StuChiaElephant, the last of the 7412 possible incarnations of StuCommonColdVirus, hails from a distant and un-foresee-able future, (Hyphenated for effect) and knows that this is his chance to erase a serious blot on the LMBP’s proud history, even though it hasn’t happened yet, which is as you should all know the best time to correct a disaster, (ever tried to unbreak an egg? If you have you realize just how silly the idea is, and you probably wound up with egg on your face). Therefore as the spell washed over our two dashing heroes, it also backwashed into both the century they were headed for and Legion World.
In a trailer park, just outside of Mobile Alabama two young individuals vanish, while on Legion World, Pro Football Hall of Famer, and admitted wife-beater, Jim Brown suddenly melts into a glob of Protoplasmic Goo and all of the LMBPers who had been transformed into centaurs revert to normal.
Inside JSMBP HQ all of the effects of the universal blink have been sorted out, kind of, when StuRat and Nightcrawler suddenly appear. Now as we all know the sudden appearance of a pair of unknown indivisuals from the future, be they heroes or villains, inside another group of super-heroes’ Secret HQ, always starts a battle, right?
Wrong, because Dusty baker had had enough! More than enough!! More than he was gonna take!!! He jumped up on a table, grabbed his trusty Louisville Slugger, and shouted…
“Hold it! Stop right goddamm there! Stand down! No Fighting!”
And being that he was in the middle of things, with his trusty Louisville Slugger in hand and a baseball bat next to him to back that up as need be, they listened.
“WOW!!! You guys actually listened! That never happened before!”
“Well,” observed SALLy from her tank, during a short pause in her tickle fight with Rody, “having a Nationally Known Sports Figure jump up on a table and ‘whip it out’ tends to get people’s attention.”
“I don’t want to sound stupid or nothing,” Dusty replied. “But what do you mean by Nationally Known Sports Figure?”
“Well, you’re Dusty Baker, the Manager of the Chicago Cubs, right?”
“Ummm…” Dusty stared at her for a second before continuing in his best, okay, you found me out voice, “No, I’m Dusty Baker, the guy who drives the little blue school bus just outside of Mobile Alabama.”
“Oh… well if that’s the case, why the hell are we listening to you? JSMBP! Get them!”
Big fight scene follows… Soon, I promise…
But back on Legion World, standing in the disgusting puddle of Protoplasmic Goo that once had been Jim Brown, were Trailer Trash Barbie and her best friend, Fun-Time Skipper…
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Meanwhile, a large Leper Colony docked at Legion World. Before Numf-El could greet them...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Doctor One went aboard and cured them all, then they left.
But, lurking in the basement of the Security Office was a Large Purple and Orange Snail-like being called the Sliminator and he was seeking revenge on Sonnie Bloke for something that hadn't happened yet...
[ January 12, 2004, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Harbinger on :
but knowing Sonnie it had happened already but he was drunk at the time and forgot about it later
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Except that Elephant Snails NEVER Forget. Especially those from the Planet Rowie. (located in the Aberdeen Galaxy)
[ January 12, 2004, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Numf El on :
"See Harbi, I telt you that I was built like a Stallion, didn't I?" asked Numf-El, refering to the few moments when they had all been turned into centaurs. "That's funny, 'cos from where I was I could have sworn you were a gelding...." came the reply. "Oh, piss."
Posted by Harbinger on :
(aside - we're not going for a return visit to bloody Aberdeen arewe? honestly boys, one visit in a lifetime is more than enough - and I'm not joking this time! No, honestly! )
Posted by Numf El on :
Don't tempt me, B - I'm trying to turn a new leaf and be nice for a while..........
Posted by Abin Quank on :
-----------Interlude----------------------
quote:Originally posted by Harbinger: (aside - we're not going for a return visit to bloody Aberdeen arewe? honestly boys, one visit in a lifetime is more than enough - and I'm not joking this time! No, honestly! )
Hey Numf, do we take her seriously this time?
Okay, I thought not!
---------End Interlude----------
Posted by Harbinger on :
(aside the second - with friends like you two...)
Posted by Abin Quank on :
(aside the third - You're set for life! )
Posted by Space Ranger on :
Hmmm… Seems I promised a big fight scene here….
Okay, the JSMBP is well conditioned to following SALLy’s orders. So the second she uttered “Get Them,” they sprang into action, almost.
Jessica Quickly jumped up onto Dusty’s table threw him to the floor and… well Dusty was instantly out of action but he didn’t consider that a bad thing.
Rody, despite his constant squeaking about “Rodents taking over the universe,” is a valued member (for a rat) of the LMBP and he immediately began tickling SALLy in a rather sensitive area. Suddenly, SALLy was out of action but she didn’t consider that a bad thing either.
That left Mr. Terrifically and his floating T=Balls, Ben and Wa, Pagan Lass, Cloned Green Pig, and Super Duper Marvy Person, to face off against StuRat and Nightcrawler because Stoopid Cat was still floating around asleep inside CGP’s energy bubble, which for some strange reason was now shaped like a top hat.
Four against two, them’s some easy pickings right?
Not hardly!
Especially when you consider the fact that StuRat is a very powerful sorcerer and Nightcrawler has been waiting for a while (and is still pissed off at Cobie and IB for that restricted to LW bit) to shall we say… “Strut his Stuff?”
Before any of the JSMBPers could react he “Bamfed” into action. Super Duper Marvy Person went down first, (big surprise there, huh?) But that did instantly put Nightcrawler out of action and as can be expected, he didn’t consider that to be a bad thing.
Which left StuRat in a three on one situation, with Pagan lass, Mr. Terrifically and his floating T=Balls, Ben and Wa, and Cloned Green Pig. So StuRat did the sensible thing; a quick magical Glamour caused a little confusion and suddenly Mr. T and his floating T=Balls, Ben and Wa were in a furious Battle(?) with Pagan Lass, which again they didn’t consider to be a bad thing.
That Left StuRat to face off one on one (Rato a’ Porko you might say) against Cloned Green Pig.
The two remaining combatants circled each other warily, carefully avoiding tripping over the various couplings going on around them. But unfortunately the situation left StuRat wondering how in the hell he wound up facing the prospect of winding up eating a ham sandwich at an orgy, again! (Which in and of itself is just a damm funny concept)
That gave CGP the opening he needed. Suddenly a green energy beam flashed out of his ass and Suddenly Stoopid cat was free! CGP then moved off to one side and grabbed a bag of popcorn, ready to watch the fun!
StuRat did a classic cartoon spit take! His ancient enemy, Here? (for some strange reason he hadn’t noticed the Cat in the Hat.)
Stoopid Cat began to stalk his foe…
Be with us next time folks for the battle of some century… StuRat vrs Stoopid Cat!! Posted by Stoopid Cat on :
**Purr**
'Bout time we got to the good stuff. I'll murdalize that StuRat Goof...
**Purr**
Posted by Pagan Lass on :
Meanwhile…
Back at “Shameless Hussies”, the second favorite hangout of certain LMBPers, SHAKES of course is the absolute fave, but some of the straight(er) male LMBPers kinda like SH because, well Just Because…
Numf-El, Invisible Brainiac, Abin Quank, and Cobalt kid were recovering from recently being turned into Centaurs. Well, actually they were moaning about what they lost when they were turned back.
“It was this big, no honest, this big!” An excited IB babbled to his amused companions, as they watched the latest dancer, Miss Smarty-Pants, swing around the pole in the middle of the stage. They were waiting for Pagan Lass’s turn on stage to come up, (Bad pun attempted and botched) but did appreciate the sweet young thing, a recent émigré from South London who was doing her best to entertain them now. They fell silent as they watched her perform a few moves that even Icefire couldn’t match. Well to be honest, he probably could match them but he’d walk funny for a few days afterward, it’s an anatomical thing you see. But anyway their concentration on the stage caused them to miss the new arrivals that came in just then, wiping some strange protoplasmic goo off of their shoes.
Abin was the first to notice the two as they made their way across the room, it struck him as slightly odd that they weren’t watching the dancer. Normally, Shameless Hussies is not known for having females just hanging around, if you ignore Giant Robotic Lesbian, Anti-lad, and Thora, who each have their own reserved tables, and the dancers usually come and go by the back doors. So seeing a pair of girls walk in the front and start checking out the men in the room was a little odd, unless…
“IB, you still looking to get some experience before taking another run at the Empress?”
The question seemed to set IB’s face on fire and caused Numf and Cobie to fall off of their chairs laughing. IB’s recent faux pass with the Empress was rapidly becoming a Legion World Legend and caused the eager young LMBPer no end of embarrassment. So, of course, considering the company he was keeping, it was sure to be brought up several times during the evening.
“Fuck You Abin,” he stammered, “I don’t see Harbinger hanging off of your dick, you bastard.”
Ah, such is the friendly banter of men, and of course, then Cobie and Numf were even more helpless as their laughter doubled and re-doubled, causing several of the nearby customers to turn their attention to our heroes table. (And of course it was the raucous behavior of our heroes that caused everyone to turn away from the dancer on the stage. It couldn’t have been the fact that Miss Smarty-Pants was replaced on stage just then by Plain Jane, who everyone says has a nice personality.) And two of the people who turned their attention to our heroes table were the two young ladies who Abin had been watching. Later, he would claim that that was his intention all along (but nobody believed him).
“IB take a look over there, I think that the younger one might be just perfect for what you need.”
Abin was trying to be circumspect in his words and motions, so everyone nearby turned as one to look. And the two girls were definitely worth a look (or seven). Even Numf, who has been hanging around with Harbinger since both were knee high to a tall duck, was instantly impressed with the taller of the two and only one thing ever impresses Numf.
“Gadzookies, Babookies, Mates… Wouldja lookie at that… a Sproking Perfect 54-20-34! I’m in Fukkin Lust I am.”
Cobalt tried to comment but his jaw had fallen to the floor and he was sitting there with his tongue hanging to his belly button, looking like an odd frog in a necktie. Quickly he ducked down and began to search for the lower half of his face. Luckily he found it quickly, and began to straighten up, but he hadn’t reattached it yet, which is his explanation for why he (supposedly accidentally) licked the taller of the two girls from ankle to eyebrow just as they reached the table.
“**Giggle** Stop that you Horn-Dog! *Gum-Snap* I guess I was right; you boys do need some company. *Gum-Snap* Y’all mind iffin my cousin and I join Y’all? **Giggle**”
Abin always tries to act the gentlemen, it doesn’t work out very often, but he tries. A pair of green energy hands flashed out and retrieved two chairs. One settled next to IB and the other next to Abin. But before the girls could sit down, Cobie gallantly stood and seated them. Not surprisingly the chair next to Abin mysteriously wound up between Numf and Cobie. Across the room a pair of patrons picked themselves up off of the floor and took two empty chairs from the next table.
“Mumble gurgle numble fimfy hanjob?”
IB’s first attempt to start a conversation with the younger girl brought a round of stifled laughter and giggles to the rest of the table. Luckily, Numf, being the master of diplomacy that he is, stepped in and rescued his young companion.
“I think he just offered you fifty credits for a Hand-Job.” He said in a surprisingly accent free voice, proving Harbinger’s contention that he can speak English on occasion. “Whatda say?”
“I did not you big pile…” IB Blurted out, “I asked her, her name.”
“S’okay, Honey,” she (the younger she) interjected, “I think your friend is just funning with you. My name is Skipper, but most folks call me “Fun Time” and my cousin’s name is Barbie, and you’re kinda cute.”
She started running her hands over IB’s arm as she spoke…
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
But of course, that storyline is running concurrently with the Rainbow Man storyline, which still needs to be finished. Let's just say it takes place in the future, so both can run at the same time. (Nice post, Pagan Lass! And who would have thought I was such a potty-mouth? )
Cobie looked over at IB, who had his eyes closed and was breathing deeply. The poor kid was way too nervous, but who could blame him? This was the biggest mission that he had ever been on before. This was his turn to shine now, and Cobie knew he couldn't step in to finish the job for him anymore, not if he was to learn for himself. Still, he could offer some encouragement.
"You okay there, kid?"
IB nearly fell out of the sky. "Wh-what?" He turned to look at Cobie. "Um, yeah, I guess." Cobie knew he was lying. His face was pale, his lips were dry, his fingers were digging into his palms, and Cobie wouldn' be surprised if IB ended up wetting himself soon. Cobie chuckled; IB had nearly done so on that first mission long ago, when they first found out he was only sixteen. Of course, Cobie had nearly wet himself too when IB had almost gotten himself eaten up. He was WAY too young for something like that. Since then, everyone had taken extra care to watch out for him, and this time was no exception.
"Relax, you'll do fine. Just remember to focus and concentrate."
"But what if I mess up again? I could end up blowing Legion World to bits!"
"No way that's going to happen." Cobie knew he was the one lying, this time, There was always a chance things could go horribly wrong; but there was no use letting IB know that. He was shaking enough already. "You showed pretty good control last time. And no harm was done; Nighcrawler's tail was only singed and the hole in the wall of the girls' locker rooms was easily reparable. And we had fun while it lasted." Cobie grinned at the memory.
So did IB, at least for a little while. Cobie lened forward. "Here, let me tell you something. Before I learned to control my powers, I was a walking disaster too, even worse than EDE. Once, three manhole covers flew right into me, and a knife nearly took my... equipment off."
IB winced. "No way!"
Cobie nodded. "Oh, yes. That's when I decided enough was enough. I trained hard everyday, and now you see where it got me? I could probably take on Cosmic Boy and eventually win. And you could, no, you CAN do just as well with your powers. You've come farther faster than most of us have in so little time. Heck, we've all had our moments." Cobie chuckled as he remembered the time Faraway Lad had gotten half the team stranded on Sadismus VII. Lash was the only one who had enjoyed the stay there! "You can do it, IB. I wouldn't lie to you, would I?"
IB actually smiled. "Thanks, Cobie. You'd make a hell of a big brother."
Cobie chuckled. He and IB shared a special bond; he had long since accepted that is children would all be cursed, and so had taken extra precautions. (His utility belt was full of protective stuff, and he had a special arrangement with the suppliers on Condomus III). I was probably the closest thing to a son he'd ever have, especially since NUmf was not only older but already completely independent. "Well then, get on with it, and don't screw up or I'll kick your ass myself. And I'll let the Empress have a turn too."
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Cobie and IB peered down as Everyday Girl and Bugs Bunny ade their moves against the Rainbow Man. Bugs let loose a barrage of giant pies as a diversion, while Everyday Girl tried to get Pagan Lass loose.
"So, how is she supposed to succeed if she keeps pulling Pagan Lass's hair?" IB wondered.
Cobie just shrugged. He was already using most of his power to keep the two of them plus the Emerald Empress airborne amid the powerful solar winds and gravitational forces, not to mention the wind breaking from the Rainbow Man's Emerald Ass. "Maybe I should give them a little push..."
"No!" snapped the Empress. "You will give our position away! It is crucial that we wait for the right time to make our move!" She tunred her gaze down to the members below. Very nice, she thought. She lingered there for a while, shifting between the two spots of interest, then turned her gaze to the members even lower, and the two even more important points of interest. Never let it be said that the Empress cannot control herself when the time comes.
********************************************* Bugs Bunny was doing pretty well; the big palooka couldn't even touch him. nd even if he did, well, it's not like he could die at all. Not easily, anyway. This was a nice change from the dreary dullness studio work had become. Using his zaniness to fight crime was starting to feel... fulfilling. He had signed on for the purpose of becoming the biggest cartoon in all history, of earning his place as the acknowledged greatest of all animated characters. But know... he was really feeling good about being a do-gooder. **********************************************
Pagan Lass was starting to hate the long, flowing hair that had been one of her best assets. This little bubblehead, Everyday Girl, was screaming about having her place in the limelight taken, and Pagan Lass had no idea whether she planned to free her or tear her hair off and use it to beat her to a bloody pulp. She knew she shouldn't have signed that pole-dancing contract; Eveyday Girl must have been the unknown who was told to take a hike. Bloody amateurs and their temper tantrums.
"Hey, lie, cut that out already! I just washed my hair last night!"
"This should be my role, mine! I want to be famous!"
"Look, honey, this is no stupid movie! This is real life! All that squeezing has made me go down two sizes already, and I would rather not end up looking like a pixie. I have enough problems without you ripping my hair out of my skull!"
"That's what they all say! Nobody pays atention to me! But I'll make them! I'll make them!"
Pagan Lass sighed. She would have to use her last resort. She closed her eyes, searching memory for a simple spell which could help. She would have to think fast; her hair was already a big mess. *****************************************
IB looked at the two gold rings in his hand. The two power inhibitors had been on his earlobes just moments before. He could feel the power coursing through him again, filling every cell of his being. It was... odd. He felt like he was dive-bombing through the air while curled up in Globe Girl's globes and at the same time being crushed under the weight of a mountain while trying to keep his footing in an icy river with a strong current while being blasted off into space in a rocket... And his was at just half his full strength. He had barely learned to control that much power... How about when his full power was let loose? He might end up blowing everything on Legion World into oblivion! But Empress said he would need full power for this job... Maybe he could...
A blinding flash of light flared up just below. IB, Cobie and the Empress turned to look. All three of their jaws fell to the floor, although the Empress picked hers up almost immediately.
Pagan Lass and Everyday Girl both lay unconscious amid the rubble of what had once been the Empire's Great Stiffy. The tall, straight, rock-solid building was just a shadow of its former glory; luckily, the two smaller building below it were still intact. As long as they were whole, the Stiffy could regrow itself. Above them, the Rainbow Man was clutching its hand. They couldn;t tell if it was bleeding or not; they didn;t even know if it could.
"Bugs! This is the Empress! Are you alright?" "What's up, Doc? My furry hide's intact, thanks for asking!" "It had better be, you and I still have... plans. Cobie and IB looked at each other, and shook their heads. The Empress was one-in-a-million, alright. Next thing you know, she'd be going after Marvin... "Never mind. Grab Pagan Lass and Everyday Girl now, and move out of there! We're about to start the final phase."
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Pagan Lass groaned. Her spell had worked too well; she suspected that it had combined with whatever powers Everyday Girl had, causing its power to phenomenally increase. She had to pull herslef together... She was seeing fluffy little gray bunnies everywhere. And they were wearing white gloves, no less! "You okay, Doc?" Pagan Lass groaned. It just talked to her? She must be in worse shape than she thought.
IB nearly swallowed his tongue. He would be up soon... And his first time, no less! He closed his eyes and tried to focus, hoping he wouldn't vomit. He felt the rings gently flying loose from his fingers; Cobie was pulling them magnetically. He had to focus the power, let it build up... He felt like he would explode!
The Empress' mind was working feverishly. This had to be timed just right, or all would be lost. Part of her tried to reestablish mental contact with the Eye; the plan had been formulated from informaton the Eye had sent her, as it was struggling to free itself from the control of the Rainbow Man. They had a symbiotic relationship; together, their combined wills supported the other, making both more aware of themselves, increasing both of their strengths to the greatest level. The Empress was pretty much omnipotent now, and women all over envied the calm self-assurance and the endless sexual stamina that she had received from it. The Empress knew how lucky she was that it was this Eye, not its evil twin, that had found her so long ago... She looked down again, this time not bothering to glance at her companions members. Bugs was opening up one of his famous rabbit holes, and all three were now clear of the blast area. The Rainbow Man was still reeling. She needed IB and Cobie's powers, working in tandem, to upset it long enough for her to regain the Eye and her full power. And then, she promised, the Master-Baiter would pay.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
-------Quaalude-------
Eddie Tor's office door slammed shut just a few seconds ago, just after he answered a phone call on Phineas B. Fuddle's private line. So, naturally the rest of the "Ongoing LMBP Adventures Magazine" staff was huddled around Ms. Barlow's desk listening in to the boss's conversation.
"Eddie, how many separate story lines do we have going right now?" To their surprise Phineas's voice sounded cheerful.
"Five, I tink, Mr Fuddle, an' we gots a couple waitin' in da wings fer some o' da current ones ta finish up."
"Hmmm... and the readership numbers are up, right?"
"Well, dats kinda hard ta say, I knows dat in certain sections dey are, but we're not gettin' consistent like feedbak."
"So, how are you deciding which story arcs to feature and which to drop?"
"Well, rite now I'm jest kinda like goin' wit da flow, dat Inbisible Brainy kid is puttin up some real good stuff, specialty since he's started ta break it up inta paragraps, and dis new chippie, Pagan seems ta have some OK iders so I'm Letting dem run."
"Eddie, you mentioned five arcs but only two writers, is there a problem with some of the others?"
"Well, Numf-El is jest finishin up his latest, gettin da emotional like loose ends tied up, an I tink he's got annoder Blokebuster he's waitin ta spring on us. Cobalt kidder seems ta have run down a little, Kid just ain't ben da same since da Ranger blew up da stupid statue. Da Ranger gots a pretty good one going, but he needs ta wrap it like soon, I'm gettin tired o Trixie tellin Browneye jokes alla time. Harbinger keeps promisin ta lay a good one on us, but ya know what a tease dat goil is."
"Okay, What are you doing about Cobalt? And why didn't you mention that Abin Quank Character?"
"Well, I'm kinda jest hoping da Kidder breaks outa his funk on his own, It's not like dat wasn't da ugliest statue eber. An' Abin has been chippin in on several o da stories. Rite now he's kinda da fill em in guy. An I kina like dat, da kid ain't nebber had no original iders anyway."
"Well, okay Eddie, sounds like things are under control, but start thinking about a better way to determine how many readers we have. Oh and check out this new guy, MLLash, he's been doing some good stuff, see if you can get him and Danny B. to contribute a few lines."
"Okay Boss, talk atcha later"
*Click*
"Trixie, Dierdre, get yer eavedropping butts in here we got some woik ta do."
--------Quaalude Wears Off--------------
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Space Ranger smiled, seeing that Invisible Brainiac and Cobalt Kid had the Rainbow Man of Ekron well in hand. Hopefully this would be wrapped up soon and Stu would return, so that this continuous battle could be finished. The LMBers were all tired by now and months of constant fighting had made them yearn for something more fun, like a drinking binge and orgy.
The Ranger suddenly was blown backwards though, as a gust of wind knocked him to the ground. Large chains wrapped around him! From out of nowhere, suddenly came Grimbor the Chainsman!
With a full bondage mask, Grimbor leaped into the fray, catching several LMBers unaware, as they tried to deal with the more serious threat of the Rainbow Man of Ekron!
Grabbing Space Ranger, Outdoor Miner, Homecoming Queen, Poverty Lad, Marvin the Martian of the Brood and Arachne, the Chainsman suddenly teleported away, with his mysterious accomplice!
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
On Legion World, as the Rainbow Man terrorized the peaceful citizens who lived there, Lard Lad suddenly noticed the six LMBers mysteriously go missing. Unsure of what to do, Lardy considered whether he should try and help them, or help Cobalt, the Empress, IB and the rest of Legion World finish defeating the Rainbow Man.
Suddenly he remembered that he could care less and wanted a quick drink and a snack. Picking up Jailbait Lass, the young LMBer who had joined through shady means via Cobalt Kid, Lardy 'ported himself into the mansion giving a half-grin "they'll fuckin' handle it themselves" smile to himself!
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Eyrk Davis Ester looked out of his window, and considered what was happening: Invisible Brainiac was leading the charge against the Rainbow Man (which you can finish IB, althogh I'll try to help!), and Stu was missing with Nightcrawler and Icefyre (that's all you Chuck ). He remembered Esk, the LMBer who could look into the future, telling him that four of the boys would be at Shameless Hussies soon, but figured that wouldn't happen until the Rainbow Man and Stu stories were all finished. He sighed a little, watching Lardy leave the battle for a snack, and decided the best thing he could do was stay away from the battle too, knowing he'd probably make it worse.
Turning to go to bed, he saw Dr. Lesbon, the doctor who followed him around in his room.
"What are you doing in here?" he asked.
"Well, planning to use you until I'm thoroughly sated" she replied
"Jeepers! I can't, there's a battle going on outside, I'd never be able to-"
She cut him off by holding up her palm. "Save it. I know you don't want me Eryk Davis Ester, that you have another in your heart. That's why I've decided to make you my slave!!!"
Gasping, EDE watched as Dr. Lesbon turned out to be a large succubus, waiting to sexually ravage the body of the man she adored...!
[ January 14, 2004, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Marvin the Martian of the Brood awoke to seeing his fellow LMBers chained up in a dungeon. He made out the figures of Grimbor and a female accomplice in the shadows. He felt terrible, and noticed they were all knocked out and chained up still...and then...he fell back asleep.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
I thought it was time for a few more stories
I think we should wrap up the huge saga occuring right now with the Rainbow Man and Stu back in time, and then we could move to Numf, Abin, Cobie and IB at Shameless Hussies.
Just to complicate things (the way I like it), I've added even more subplots and stories!
And will continue to do so
*end interlude*
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
*interlude* Rainbow Man will be wrapped up pretty soon, but I'll let the Master-Baiter story fester a bit. I think Abin Quank is having too much fun with that
Any help with the Rainbow Man would be appreciated, I'm thinking of having a nice little twist first.
And endless subplots are FUN, FUN, FUN!
*end interlude*
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Empress was struggling, and sweat, or perspiration, whichshe kept insisting was the porper term for a royal, was cascading down her. She could sense something blocking her, parrying her every attempt to reestablish full mental contact with the Eye. She cursed to herself; she couldn;t believe this was happening. A long time ago, she had been possessed, taken over, by the Eye. But using her strong will, she had slowly resisted its mind-control, regaining a bit of control over herself each day. She could never have hoped to win her total freedom, but she did win something else: the Eye's respect. Her relationship with the Eye had changed forever, that very day.
She wanted it back.
But the Rainbow Man's collective will was strong; each of its parts, from head to foot, added something to its power. Even with both her and the Eye working together, straining both of their wills, their very souls, they could never hope to match that. It was time to break the Rainbow Man up.
She looked over her shoulder. Cobie was ready, as he always was. Pagan Lass had already recovered; she was definitely worthy of her place in the entourage. IB was fighting with the power threatening to tear him apart where he stood; he couldn't keep it in any more. If he used his power now, there was a sluim chance of survival. If he never used it, there was no chance at all.
She looked at all of them. One by one, they all turned to look at her, even Bugs Bunny, who was tending and fondling the unconscious Everyday Girl. One by one, they all nodded.
They were ready.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
IB felt then power ourse through every atom in his body, building him up only to pull him down again, threatening to rip him up like a leaf in a tornado, like a shrimp in a waterspout. His every sensation was heightened; he could feel every drolet of sweat on his face, every guts of wind on his body, he could hear every random explosion and every scream (of terror or of ecstasy, whichever you want ) from below. It had taken him the last twenty eight minutes just to focus the power within him, the power of a star, neatly packaged in his teenage body. It would only take him four to release it. And it would take him at least six days, ten hours and fifty three minutes to recover from a charge that big, with at least two of those days spent in a coma. But he was ready. He nodded at the Empress, and she nodded back. The signal would be given any moment now.
He hoped it was soon.
He was beginning to lose control. Above him, a star flared suddenly, then began losing brightness. Another star's energy being drained into him. He would burn himself out soon. His ears were full of the deafening sounds of the solar winds, and of the yawning emptiness of space. He concentrated, hoping he woukld hear the Empress' voice soon.
"NOW!!"
He recoiled. That might have been only a whisper, yetv every sound he heard was magnified a hundredfold. Only Cobie's magnetic pull kept him from falling out of the sky right there. He gulped. Once, he had nearly destroyed every single person he had ever loved in one single blast of light and heat. He knew he would risk doing so now, and definitely would, without Cobie and Pagan Lass to help him focus. But he trusted them, even more than he was beginnning to trust himself. He opened his clenched fists, and the power of half a dozen stars shot out of him, as fast as the speed of light. It wasn't fast enough.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Pagan Lass felt the ambient forces of the universe stir around her. Light, heat, gravity, sound, they were all being tossed around like vagu concepts, like a toddler playing with building blocks. Luckily, she had nothing to do with such forces. She quickly summoned earth, water, wind, and fire, and began to fashion a web of sorts, weaving a shining tube through which IB would funnel his strength into, just like Cobie had taught him. She further cemented it with a touch of Will, straining all her considerable powers into it. The risk to her was not as great as it was to IB, but it was still a lot. And she was almost as worried as he was. She could not imagine life without her powers. Because she would kill herself first before that ever happened.
Cobie gathered all of Legion World's magnetic pull into him. And that of Earth's. And Mars'. And Venus and Mercury and Jupiter and Saturn and Titan and Braal and Cargg and Naltor and Aleph and Aarok and Tharr. He even threw in the asteroid belt for good measure. He needed all that force just to make sure IB's blast hit true. He could feel it, coursing through the "tunnel" he had created. IB was doing pretty well; a bit sloppy, but not bad. With the proper focus, he could be...
Focus! Cobie chided himself. Now was not the time to let his thoughts wander. He hadn't even let himself think of the Empress or Pagan's ass, both standing within fondling distance. His own powers were being strained themselves. He quickly felt for more magnetic force which he could tap into and "borrow" for the time being. Luckily, this whole procedure would only last for a few minutes; there was no telling what disaster would happen on those nearby planets if their entire magnetic pull was depleted. As it was, he had only borrowed enough for the inhabitants to start feeling lightheaded from the decrease in magnetism and even a little gravity. (now you know who to blame next you fell nauseous! ) He grabbed some from Winath. He opened another channel from Dryad. He pulled some from Hykraius, whose inhabitants were least likely to notice. He opened multiple channels from his body, funneling some from Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, Somahtur, Talok VII, Durla, Kathoon, Zerox, Lallor, Wartworld and even Orgasmus Major. Which was a mistake.
Every planet has its own individual magnetic signature. Earth's was a sweet "taste" of home, Starhaven's a sense of floating, Pluto a sense of bitter cold. Even Legion World had one, it being a sense of fun and enjoyment. Sense is definitely the proper word here, as it is a sense unique to magnetic beings only. Everything with a magnetic charge gave off soemthing which could influence Cobie, which explained why he was always so horny, being around other horny people all the time. And Orgasmus Major was no different. As Cobie tapped into it, he felt wild. He felt excited. He felt the greatest pleasure of his life. He couldn;t control himself, he was ready to thrash about right then and there. It was far too much for him to shut out, like he usually did. His "tunnel" began bending and bucking, and energy started shooting wildly. One of them grazed Legion World.
Cobie severed the line just in time. His undies (you DO wear undies, right? ) were already wet, and the satellite system for all of Legion World's cable TVs had been destroyed. Nightcrawler was SO going to ban him this time.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Empress watched as the atack was pressed on. She was still struggling to regain control of the Eye, and everythong else around her was only a vague sensation. Which was a good thing for Cobie, as she would have been royally pissed off at not being able to access all those naughty royal channels which she always watched. She didn;t notice IB's beam searing away the area around the Rainbow Man's heart and its brain, tearing away the parts that kept the rest of it connected together. Yes, all that power was needed just for that. This attack would break up all the parts of the Rainbow Man, gradually weakening every part, except for the Emerald Eye, which had thrown up a shield to protect itself. It still had enough free will to do that, and it had sprung it just in time to avoid the brunt of the blast, but not so soon that it would end up warning the rest of the parts. She did, however, feel the pressure, the blocks, on the Eye melt away. And suddenly, she felt a consciousness on the fringes of her own, bidding her a fond welcome. "Eye? Eye!" "Eye'm back, Empress. Did you miss Eye?" "Of course Eye did, Eye!" "Eye'm pleased. Eye missed you too." "You know, Eye would hug you if Eye could." "Eye know. But we have no time to waste. The rest of meye "family" are still down below us." "Then what are we waiting for? Let's give them all black Eyes!" The Empress took off. She didn;t care that this was virtually a suicide mission. She was whole again. And the universe would know that the Emerald Empress was back.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
IB was freefalling through the air, blissfully unconscious. Cobie flew after him, and reached out with a tendril of magnetic pull to catch him. He quickly returned thre of the four power inhibitors to their nomral places, leaving out the one on his left earlobe. They would need some of IB's power for the battles to come.
Every human has his or her own magnetic signature too. Lash Lad's is a sprinkling of comedy and insanity. Fat Cramer's is a dash of wit and intelligence. Harbinger's is trust mixed with some motherliness. Lardlad's was almost pure horniness, which was why Cobie liked hanging around him so much. Invisible Brainiac's though, was one of the more complex ones. Fear, envy, trauma, happiness, silliness, friendship, anger, sadness, rapture, a zeal for life, all tied together with hope and love. Cobie drank it in like a drug. His "sensations" were so simliar to telepathy. He nearly gasped from surprise, too. IB's magnetic patterns were unlike any he had ever seen before! Odd, that. His mind began working on analyzing it. There was still some innocence, lined with a surging horniness of his own. Fear was kept locked together with courage. There were many other paradoxes in IB, and it would take a while to "read them all".
Suddenly, another surge in IB's magnetic patterns jerked him out of his daydreaming. IB was dying. Fast.
Cobie quickly did the only thing he could do in time; he cast his mind around for a magnetic signal strong enough to revive IB. But what? He needed a planet. A strong planet, with enough positive energy... Of course. Orgasmis Major.
He quickly tapped into it, a channel strong enough to revive a Super Moby Dick. It passed through him, then onto IB. It was working; IB's body was jerking. Suddenly, his eyes flew open.
"What? What happened Is the Rainbow Man dead? I was falling, I remember..." IB suddenly turned around. "Cobie you saved me! But, how did you... I was so weakened... And... why are my pants wet?"
Cobie felt his own pants. He felt like he had just gone swimming while wearing a sponge. Not an unpleasant feeling, though. "What, you didn't think I'd think of something? I did soemthing which would revive any hot-blooded young man like you or myself. Bright idea, huh?"
IB's eyes widened. Any young man could tell what that substance was. "Oh, Cobie, you didn't? I'm grateful, and all, and it feels really good, but... Well, I don't know how to say this..."
"Huh? Didn't you enjoy it?"
"I did, yeah, but I was unconscious! What did you do to me then? I mean, I'm sorry, Cobie, but... well... I'm not gay!"
Cobie nearly dropped IB then and there, and his cheeks felt on fire. "What are you talking about? I didn't TOUCH you! I just used some magnetic pull from Orgasmis Major! Don't get ay wrong ideas here!"
IB's cheeks reddened. "Oh! Okay, okay! I'm sorry! But... I didn't know you could do that."
Cobie shrugged. "I don't talk about it much. I figure, people are all going to want me to do the same for them, and I won't have any time of my own. Plus, it's kind of weird, too, having my magnetism "read" the essence of things or people they touch... Magnetic powers are still pretty cool, though. Hey, maybe I'll do it again for you, sometime. But it's gonna be our little secret, okay?"
A slow, wide grin spread across IB's face. This kid was after his own heart. "Deal. But we've still gotta stop the Rainbow Man, you know. Hey, let's hurry, maybe we can go for the Sun-Tanned Breasts before someone beats us to it."
It was Cobie's turn to grin. "Attaboy, you're starting to think like I am! Let's go and change or pants first, though, it's starting to get way too drafty down here."
[ January 15, 2004, 02:44 AM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
*interlude*
For all you zany posters out there, this is the perfect jumping on point! The Rainbow Man's various parts have all been separated, and are now acting independently. So pick a part, like, say, the Brown Nose of Ekron or the Grazed Kneecap of Ekron, or anything else you can think of, and any member of the LMBP to stop that part, and let the madness begin!
*end interlude*
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Unluckily for IB and Cobie, the Sun-Tanned Breasts were not for them. They've already had their share of the fun, so let's spread it around a little, why don't we?
Numf-el and Abin Quank were running for their lives, and wondering what they had done to deserve this. "I told you not to throw that pie at Thora! This is all your fault!" "My fault? I'm not da bloody idiot who messed wit dat Giant Robotic Lesbian!" "Well, Thora is the only one who could do something like this!'" "Well, it's a darn mighty punishment if ya ask me! Da largest Boobies we've ever seen in our lives, an' all they wanna do is kill us!"
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Princess Crujectra didn;t know whether to laugh or cry. She had been enjoying the crazy foodfight, when suddenly this big, beautiful manly pair of lips had shown up out of nowhere and had started kissing her. Kissing had quickly turned to eating, though, and now the Princess was running for her life too.
"Damn, now I'll have to get rid of the best kisser I've ever met in my whole life!"
She ducked down behind a wall, and waited for the Puckered Lips of Ekron to fly past her. This was not going to be easy. There was only one way to beat that thing that she could think of, and that was to out-kiss it. "Well, dearie, it's time to hit the make-up room."
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Numf-el hated this plan. Why, oh why, did he have to be the decoy? He wouldn't mind so much if he could grab the breasts and get them in bed, but he had learned long ago NOT to argue with something that big. "Do I hafta stand here much longer? I'm getting way to tired!"
"Shut up! Those breasts might here you talking to me!"
"But dey're breats! They don have ears ta here wit!"
"But they saw us, didn;t they? They saw us and chased us!"
Numf had nothing to say to that. Not that he would have had time to, had he thought of a suitable retort. Because suddenly, the Sun-Tanned Breasts of Ekron came barreling towards him.
"Oy, if only I coulda be enjoying this... Abin, do something! I'm gonna be crushed here!"
At the last possible second, a power ring beam shot out and plucked Numf safely out of harm's way, while the Breasts plunged right into the path of IB and Doctor One's shrinking ray.
"Ay, now those breats are gonna be at manageable size now!"
"Um, well, hopefully they would, but I don't know how to stop that ray."
"Wat! Da most beautiful pair of hooters in the known universe are right in front of us, and ya're gonna shrink them outta sight! I'm gonna bloody throttle ya!"
"Don't you know how powerful those things are? I'm sorry to see them go too, but come on! They would probably have beat us to death or something!"
"Ah, well, at least we'll have da memories..."
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Princess Cru was ready for the Puckered Lips. She was more ready than she had ever been in her whole life, even with Cobalt Kid. Her already luscious lips were smoothened and soothed to their maximum, and she had applied lots and lots of lipstick, of just the right shade. She had spent the last thirty minutes just trying to decide. And now for the bait.
She walked over to the edge of the top of Cafe Cramer, and cast gigantic illusions (she still has this power, right? If not, then shehas a huge slide projector) of big, red, puckered lips all around. Thise lips would be enough, she hoped, to bring those Puckered Lips to her. Just too bad that she couldn't tame them for her own needs. Oh, well, she would make sure that it enjoyed its last kiss. A lot.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Lips showed up, just as Princess Cru expected. They swooped down over her, and ever so slowly, they began to form a vile, irritating grin, like the kind you would see on the face of a movie villain. Slowly, the opened so they could swallow the Princess up. (don't ask me how they could swallow without the esophagus and stomach with them, okay? Just pretend they did! )
They never got the chance.
Princess Cru puckered up her own lips, and kissed the Puckered Lips of Ekron with all her passion and force.
It was so intense that the Lips didn't know what to do. They had never experienced anything like this before. It was too much for them. It felt so good that they almost couldn;t stand it.
Without a word, the Puckered Lips of Ekron exploded.
Princess Cru stepped back and wiped the lipstick of her lips. That had taken a lot out of her. She couldn;t wait to do something like that again.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
*interlude*
Okay, this storyline is about ready for wrapping up. I'll wait for some more creative juices to start flowing before I post something else. In the meantime, anybody is welcome to mess around with the various Body Parts of Ekron and the many LMBPers who haven't done much in the thread yet.
Enjoy! Let the madness begin!
end interlude*
Posted by Numf El on :
Sitting around in The Shameless Hussie, our saviours once again take the chance to relax, not realising all the other story threads that awaited their participation.
“I've decided to renounce the 7 deadly sins and go live as a Buddhist in the Andes,” said Numf-El to the absolute shock of all within hearing range. “But Numf,” said Harbi,”I thought you were a devout Onanist. “Anyway,” she continued as all around fell about laughing, apart from Numf who had a perplexed look on his face, “I bet you couldn’t even name the 7 deadly sins, could you?” “Course I can. There’s Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful..” The sound of laughter increased. Ribs were well and truly tickled. “…..Sleepy and Doc. See, easy. ” “He’s perfectly correct you know,” said IB, managing fairly well to keep a straight face, “in 95% of the known Universes Walt Disney is known as the AntiChrist, and Snow White is THE absolute root of all evil.” Being invisible can help when playing poker as well especially when you find it difficult to keep a straight face. (Or a flush one.) IB was shocked at the sobering effect of his words, and the number of nodding heads and comments “True enough”, “The boy has a fair point,” “Mony a meikle macks a muckle” and “It’s a braw, bricht, moon-licht nicht the nicht.” These last two comments were thrown in by Numf. “See,” he continuesd, “I’ve got no self discipline, and I’m fed up making these sarcastic smart-arsed comments all the time. And anyway, I’ll learn how to KA like those kaolin priest boys in Hong Kong Fuey.” “So, you want to do a voyage of self discovery?” asked Cobie. “Shit, no. I know who I am now, and I want to change it. I don’t like this fighting. I feel guilty every time I take the piss out of my good friend Harbinger, and I just want to be nice. I’ve never been nice before. No one’s ever called me nice. That’s my dream in life – to be nice.” He paused. “Not just that sarky pissed Jock in the corner.” There were general murmerings of “fair enough”, “the boy has a fair point” etc.
The barman tutted, and shook his head. He headed towards the telephone. “I’d better un-order those crates of Stella then,” he said to himself as he lifted the receiver and started to dial.
“So, son,” asked Cobie, “ what makes you think that the Andes is the place to go fight the 7 deadly sins?” “Well, that’s where you get sloths isn’t it?” “Another valid point. So, have you decided where about in the Andes you’re going to go?” Numfs part-dad asked. “Well, I reckon that the best place to learn Kung Fu must be in that Macho Picchu place. It sounds like a real KA kinda place.” “So, let me get this straight. You want to give up the fighting that you say you don’t like, but you want to learn how to kick ass?” asked an intrigued Cobie. “Doesn’t that strike you as a bit strange?” A few nods and murmers greeted the question. “No not really – I’m just fed up being on the receiving end of the ass-kicking, so I figured that must be why I hate fighting,” replied Numf.
“Whatever,” said Harbi. “Just get your fuckin’ round in before you leave.”
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
*interlude*
Numf, I'm already laughing and can't wait to see where this goes! Hysterical!
IB, I love what you've done with this story! Don't wait too long though, come back quick enough to keep the thread rolling! I've decided to continue the other subplots and even add a few more, so the minute you feel like jumping in, grab anyone you want and go for it .
And the Rainbow Man of Ekron story is about to be wrapped up
*end interlude*
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Before the LMBers retired to SHAKES for drinks though, the various parts of the Rainbow Man were running rampant on Legion World! Luckily, the united LMBers were all there to stop them!
The Mouse with Time Powers quickly ran away through time again, constantly searching for cheese! The LMB were sure they'd never see it again, but who knows?
Faraway Lad quickly sent the Big Toe of Maghudal faraway to a far off place that was populated by Super Moby Dicks, where it was probably going to be eaten. After all, they can go toe to toe with anyone
Lard Lad decided to rejoin the battle and used his Lard force to crush the Gigantic Torso of Yyalldidigongeo into a small rock-sized piece of bones and flesh. Then he tossed it to Kid Psychout, who had just stumbled out of SHAKES after a thirty page drinking binge, to watch Kid Psychout take out his baseball bat and send that sucker flying to never be seen again!
Lash Lad, Danny Blaine, Bubble Wrap Boy, and Sonnie Bloke who were pinching each other's assess whenever a piece of the Rainbow Man came near them, were shocked when Everyday Girl came riding in on the Dislocated Shoulder of Bush! Using his whips to hold it down, the angry LMBers began punching and kicking the shoulder (which felt as if it had some moral religious high-ground) until it finally began crying like a baby. Realizing the shoulder couldn't cry without eyes, Lash Lad grabbed Doctor One's Death-Ray from Space that wasn't supposed to ever be used and destroyed the Dislocated Shoulder of Bush completely.
Cobalt Kid rejoined the fray, to join Kid Prime, Greybird Boy and Fat Cramer, who were finishing off the Grazed Knee Cap of Ekron and the Amazing legs of Kylie! Grabbing the Amazing Legs, he nodded to Greybird who helped FC and Kippers pull the Grazed Knee into police custody. Although a majorly powerful artifact, the Grazed Knee eventually confessed to all crimes against him and is currently serving his time in prison, hoping to get out early on good behavior, where he then plans to go to Hollywood to be an actor.
The rest of the LMB pitched in to round up the various parts, although most were eventually destroyed in the process, to which Ultra Matt said "but they aren't even sentients anyway, so who cares?!!!" Everyone nodded in agreement except Santa Claus, who was still battling the Rigid Phallus of Jeremy.
And so...the Rainbow Man was defeated for the time being. What of the Master-Baiter? His daughter Vibra-tor? The Missing LMBers? Once Lardy walked out of SHAKES with a beer, everyone realized how thirsty they were, and ran into SHAKES!
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
A few things happened also in the next hour that were worth mentioning:
Santa Claus, now an honorary LMBer, decided that he preferred working only one day a year, and after a few more drinks with the LMB, returned to his home at the North Pole.
He Who Wanders stopped wandering and came home, and then realized that EDE was missing, StuRat, Nightcrawler and Icefyre were still all missing (as well as Dusty and Rody), and now a group of LMBers who were all together (Space Ranger, Arachne, Poverty Lad, Homecoming Queen, Outdoor Miner and Marvin the Martian of the Brood) were all missing too. He sighed, and wanted to wander again.
Cobalt, the Empress and everyone else congratualated Invisible Brainiac on a job well done! They both promised to help him with his powers, as did Doctor One. He was considered the hero of the day for the second time!
Legion World needed to be fixed up after a huge battle took place in the streets. Abin Quank, the resident janitor was forced to deal with this immediate problem.
Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl breathed a sigh of relief that Legion World was saved. New recruits Americommando, Saturn Rings, Tromium Crystal and others were praised for acting so quickly and protecting Legion World.
The Hootchie Hut phoned in and promised free drinks and food the next time the LMBers stopped by. Plans were in the works for the next trip.
Smacking Harbinger on the ass, Cobalt motioned for everyone to go to SHAKES for a quick drink, where Numf-El decided he wanted to talk about the possibility of going to the Andes Mts., which takes us back to where we were...
Posted by Harbinger on :
Unfortunately for Cobalt Kid he couldn't join them as he was in traction after Harbinger slapped him about something silly for having the nerve to touch her cute, firm and totally adorable ass (she is a respectable married woman you know! Okay, maybe she's just a married woman then...).
Thankfully for everyone else she helped herself to the contents of his wallet before leaving him in a bleeding and battered state on the pavement and bought ice cream for all at SHAKES. And, aside from the infestation of moths that swarmed out of said wallet when she opened it, everyone agreed it was the most generous Cobie had been within living memory.
[ January 16, 2004, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Harbinger ]
Posted by Numf El on :
----Interlude------
Nice photo, Harb!
-----End Interlude-------
Posted by Numf El on :
On with the show.......
Numf-El woke in pain. True, it wasn’t a sharp, broken boned pain. This pain was like a friend. The bone-weary dull slow pulsing thud, which he associated, not surprisingly, with having quaffed to his hearts content the night before. Quaffed, quaffed and then quaffed some more. This was not a pain to which he was by any way unaccustomed. In fact, it let him know that life was okay. Life was fine. More than fine. Because he knew damned well that he had something to look forward to that very day. And, by god, he looked forward to feeling better than he did at the moment. He felt sorry for people who awoke sober, because that was the best they’d feel all day. He hadn’t opened his eyes yet, and could see the red blood coursing through the veins in his eye lids, he could feel every pulse in his body. What he couldn’t feel, however, were his clothes. He had a habit of sleeping in his clothes – he normally just slept where he fell, and that seldom meant having either the time or the inclination to disrobe. However, this morning it was definitely a tad breezy in the Trossachs, as the old scottish joke went, comparing a beautiful unspoilt lush green area of Numfs homeland with male genitals. Normally said by men in kilts. Normally said by men who didn’t normally wear kilts, but were wearing them to someone elses wedding. Someone, at some point must have thought this funny. Probably.
However, finding yourself unexpectantly naked is not particularly funny. At least not to the person it happens to.
Gingerly he opened one eye. And quickly closed it again. No, that couldn’t be right. No, he’d try again. With the other eye this time. Gingerly he opened his other eye. Shit – same result.
There weren’t many doubts in his mind anymore that he was in a dumpster in a small Central American town. With, as he feared, no clothes on. With, as he had feared even more, every inhabitant of the small town, including a large number of mangy curs, staring at him silently. Mostly with farming implements in their hands.
Posted by Numf El on :
Numf curled back into the foetal position, hoping they would just go away.....
After five very long minutes of drawn out silence, he sat up painfully and stared back. “What’s wrong with you lot? Eh? Never seen a naked Scotsman in a dumpster before?” he asked. They stared back at him, emotionless. Not even a blink. With the exception of a small oriental girl, who forced her way through to the front of the crowd. “Hey, Blue Boy, why you got flute stuck up arse?” she asked, not unreasonably, in her staccato quick fire accent. “I thought it was unusually painful sitting upright,” winced Numf as he removed said artifact. Inside the flute was a rolled up message. It read……….
Posted by Numf El on :
“We’re sure you won’t believe us in the cold light of day, but this is what you requested – okay, maybe not the flute up the ass, that was Harbis idea of revenge for the comments elsewhere about her sexual partners and preferences. We actually have video evidence for you to see when you get back, just to prove that this is what you asked for. IB’s idea – he knew you wouldn’t believe it otherwise.
You thought that the best way to prepare yourself for your tasks ahead was to have to prove yourself every step of the way.
Best of luck, Cobie Abin Q Lardy Harbi IB ………” etc.
“P.S. Yes, you’ve got no money, no clothes, no flight ring, and until recently had a flute up your ass. You’re probably surrounded by hundreds of hypnotised, zombie-like residents of this haunted town, armed with razor sharp implements. And all because you got drunk and wanted to prove something. Just how much do you think we’re all laughing at you right about now?”
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Back at Legion World, the gang were all laughing their asses off. Cobie then showed up and grabbed all the asses, intending to find Harbinger's so he could pay her back for leaving him in a mangled, battered, bloody state a few posts back.
"How long do you think til Numf gets back here?" asked IB, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"About a year or so, unless he finds himself a job as some rich old lady's new toy." Abin Q said through a big grin.
"Why do I have a feeling the rich old lady will be HIS toy, instead?" Harbi said with a very sinister smile.
IB laughed so hard that he accidentally poked himself in the eye with the finger he was using to wipe away is tears. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHh! I've mutilated myself! Call an ambulance!!! Pain! Pain!!!"
Everyone laughed all the more. Lardy laughed so hard that the beer he was drinking erupted from his mouth like a geyser, covering everyone in the area with a distinctly Lard-breath smelling mist of beer. Mean practical jokes were so much fun!
Litle did they know that they would not be laughing for much longer. Karma had ways of getting back at people who did things to other people, especially when the other people did not think they were very nice. Karma had picked up a phone and had dialled a number which would make every LMBPer, especially Invisible Brainiac, sweat like they were in a sauna.
She had called in a menace so horrible that little children squeal at the very thought oh his name. And he was arriving at Legion World right at that very moment.
His name? Ralph. Truant Officer Ralph.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Broad at the shoulders and narrow at the hip, Everyone knew Ralph didn't take no lip. ...Big Ralph Ready to pummel, kick and thrash Ralph was ready to hand to you you're ass ...Big Ralph And on the days he was feeling mean You could crawl in the corner and and moan and scream ...Big Ralph The last thing you'd want was to make him mad, Cuz Truant Office Ralph was big and bad... ...Big Ralph ...Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Raaaaaaaaaaalph ...Big Bad Ralph.
Posted by STU on :
Is Truant Officer Ralph related to Big Bad Bouncer Des?
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Maybe we can make them related. Hm... I'll let this simmer for a while, I'm too tired to think of a new story segment right now...
Posted by Harbinger on :
In a not-quite-as-rawkus corner of SHAKES Harbinger sat getting reaquainted with her favourite on-board kitty, the sublime Fat Cramer.
said the delightful Ms Cramer to the delectable Ms 'Binger
"Ms 'Binger, oh you of the most wonderful blonde hair, apart from mentioning that you look much better now that you have had your roots done..." This illicated a titter of ammusement from the afore mentioned Ms 'Binger, who was secretly happy that someone noticed the £75 haircut she was sporting (Alan, if you read this take note!!) The wonderful Ms Cramer(*Aside** hey Chuckie if you expect 3200 words then expect a lot of pretty obvious padding in these stories okay, like think of the literary equivelent of a charity shop sofa or a pantomime Dames bra... you get the picture?)coughed politely to remind Ms 'Binger that the conversation was supposed to continue now. Like NOW already!
Okay enough padding already, it's truly awful isn't it? I mean who would resort to such an obvious cheap shot just to keep up face in a on-line wager between a fulltime working mum and a layabout writer with all day on his hands to write whenever and whatever he wants (and normally very well too, let me just add!)? Who would rise to the bait of such a ludicrous dare? Who would think, hey it's alright, I'll just eat into what little precious free time I have to compete in this obviously pointless exchange?
ME!!
And let me tell you I'll show that Abin Quank and all his alter egos and whatnot that I can write in the Tag Team too (nice aliteration don't you agree?)and not only can I write in it, I can pad like a mad demented working full time mum with not enough time on her hands to properly prepare a story for the world to read. Oh yes I can, so help me God!!
Just so you know.
Anyway, Fat Cramer, everyone's favourite Cat (Note the capital 'C' there!, Cramer is a Cat, not an everyday moggie cat, just in case you were wondering) turned to the wonderful, marvelous, literary genius that is Harbinger and said, in a remarkably fine and rich sounding voce, with a soft accent and musical candence:
"Can you get on with it now please B before I have to mawl you!"
"oh okay, I believe you were just away to ask me what happened during my 27 year stay on Apokolips"
"Why that's right dear, how ever did you know that?" Cramers slightly surprised reply gave a hint that she was beginning to believe there was more to the short but perfectly formed woman sat before her. Was 'Binger a telepath? Was she showing genuine precognitive abilities? The thought was a shock to the usually unruffelable Ms Cramer (GREAT word by the way - UNRUFFELABLE, I just made it up! Cramer, you just had a word made up to describe how cool you are! How fab is that? Bet everyone else is jealous, as they should be!).
"Because I'm writing this bit of the story and it's the first thing that came into my head"
"Oh, that's alright then"
"Yes isn't it, I thought so too you know"
With a glint in her eye and the lazy flicking of a claw Fat Cramer replied "That's nice dear now could you be a love and get on with it now?"
[ January 21, 2004, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: Harbinger ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Interlude-
Through space, a large comet flies across, um, space. Inside of it, a giant cactus turns his attention on Legion World.
"There, I will find my mate and force him/her/it to marry me!"
And with that, the Terrible Cactus-Alien of Reeg 223 journeyed to Legion World...
end interlude
Posted by Harbinger on :
"so" the unruffelable Ms Cramer began, "is it true, all those terrible stories that your lodger's big brother has been spreading about you.."
before she could finish Harbringer cut in "I never let Darksied do THAT to me, never never never! Not that he would do anyway, he told me that he only liked to sleep with women in the missionary position. No sertiously Cramey, that's what he said, though going by the way Missionaries were treated upon arrival in Apokololips over the years I'm glad I never found out through first hand experience. I never was one for chains and hot iron pokers and all those hoods and spiked caskets and bamboo under the fingernails and pins in the genitals and whatnot" her hair flying in all directions much like Goldie Hawn does in interviews these days to kind of look cute and young and coy and girlie, but we all know that really it's to blur her crows feet. Not that the delightful Harbinger has crows feet, of course. No, no way Hose, none at all.
"Actually Numf-el has been saying that you decorated a castle at the heart of Apokolololopis (((*aside* they had been drinking you know, lets face it that is when people are far more likely to sit down and unburden their life's story on a relative stranger, sorry, maybe I should have mentioned that wee fact earlier in the story - but then I'd never be able to pad out this paragraph if I had done so it's just as well really, I do have a bet on you know!))) all in shades of pink, with pretty Voile curtains and doilies and lacey bits and velvet drapes and all manner of fluffy floor coverings in the smallest room?"
"No, the cupboard under the stairs was painted blue, just for contrast"
"I meant the bathroom"
"I knew that but was doing a bit more padding to this post"
"oh, so what did you do for those twenty seven years then 'Binger, and stop padding too and just tell it like it was"
Cramers blunt statement didn't hide her obvious concern at the potential traumas her comrade in arms may have had to face whilst living in the domain of the Dark Lord himself.
"Actually, it was alright once I had Darkseid properly trained to put in a few plug-in airfresheners to get rid of the smell of sulphur and brimstone, supply me with freshly picked flowers on a weekly basis and give me his platinum cards to shop with."
"really...?"
"Really! Let me tell you Cramer, it wasn't what you would expect at all..."
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
But let us take a break from the conversation these two delightful ladies are having, and may I say that the way you are writing, Harbinger, I could never believe all those AWFUL things you supposedly have done in the last few pages of this thread. Such nasty rumors! Dear, dear, it looks like someone has a vendetta against you. My sincerest compliments...
Anyway...
Lightning Lad was enjoying a nice comfortable day in the Leader's room. With STU, Nightcrawler and He Who Wanders all off Legion World for now, the job of (temporary) leader had fallen to him. He almost hoped they would never return.
On one side of the Leader's Room 9which should really be Leader's RoomS) was the most sophisticated, most technologically advanced computer in the whole galaxy. Multiple monitor screens looked out from above the keyboard, each one tuned into a different channel. Aside from the LMBPers private rooms and the private areas of the public restrooms, the rotating security cameras were trained on every conrer of every room deemed important enough to warrant observing, and a few were there just for fun. There were monitors set for every channel in the Great Galaxy Network, and in a carefully organized drawer there were all kinds of holos for viewers of all ages. Behind the cabinet, you can find a button hidden away. Press this button and you would get instant access to the security tapes of Legion World. And hidden away in the back of the vault where these tapes are kept, in a smaller safe of their very own, are the security tapes from Cobalt's Security Office and Varalent's Variable Villa, which STU, Nightcrawler and LL take turns borrowing. In special demand right now was the one involving Dolly the Sheep and Dolly the Crash Dummy.
Elsewhere in the large, elegantly furnished room, you can find a bar filled with the finest wines in the galaxy, and platters of the most delicious snacks from all over it. Large slabs of Cloned green bacon sit next to a collection of the finest cheeses from earth and beyond, in a glass case to which STU has the only key. The large four-poster bed has bedsheets of the finest silk, no less than a dozen pillow, whose softness is just so. The ceiling is decorated with portraits of STU's many forms, all 2417 ? of them. The eyes of each form are jewels, sparkling diamonds, bloodred rubies, perfectly-shaped firedrops, glowing moonstones, sapphires of the deepest blue or emeralds of the darkest green.
All the light in the room emanates from the walls, and there is no visible light source. The occupant needs only speak, and the light will be adjusted to his or her preference.
N\I would take you on a tour of the living room and the bathroom, with all the interesting things that can be found there, but for now we must focus on the monitor room.
As Lightning Lad relaxed in the soft, reclining armchair, nibbling on a cloned green BLT, his eyes scanned the various monitor screens.
IB, Cobie, Abin Q and Lardy were still Laughing Their Asses Off in SHAKES, and the other patrons were looking at said asses with great interest. Semi and Vee were trying to calm them down, as they had knocked three tables over already.
Fat Cramer and Harbinger were having the most delightful conversation, and looking very out of place in a bar. One wonders why they weren;t relaxing in cafe Cramer instead.
Grey Birdboy was flying in the Great Library. The bookcases reached up into the ceiling, which was three stories high. Below him, Portfolio Boy and Quislet, Esq were perusing their chosen books with absorbed interest. It was a quiet place, with comfortable cushions for those who wanted to read, and working tables for those who wanted to write. Danny Blaine was using one of those, finishing up his latest story.
Kid Prime was training the newbies in the gymnasium. He had set it to the environment of Mirror World, and was enjoying himself as the newbies mistakenly kept blasting one mirror after another, instead of their true targets. Lash Lad and Ultra-Matt were lifting weights side by side, Ultra-Matt urging the less experienced Lash on. Princess Crujectra was keeping pace on the treadmill, but every so often she would steal glances at Ultra-Matt.
Deanlegion, Sonnie Bloke and Arachne were working in the studio, each creating vastly different masterpieces. Other Legion Worlders were also there, working on their own pieces. LL promised himself to check back on them later, so he could watch their talents made concrete.
His eyes swept over each of the screens in turn, until one of them caught his eye and held it. The figure there was one not known to him, but it radiated an aura of pure malevolence. And cold fear. LL had been nervous before, such as the day he had proposed to his wife, and he had been afraid many times too. But this was so much more tha fear. It was pure, mind-numbing terror.
He told the computers to check their files for the figure, then hastily averted his eyes fro the screen. He told himself he shouldn;t be afraid, but he couldn't help it. That figure must have been a metahuman. It must have been.
A loud beep jerked him from his thoguhts. The computer had found a profile. Quickly scanning it, he felt his throat tighten even more. That man posed a deadly threat to one of them. A threat of a fate even worse than death.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Back at SHAKES...
Cobie was covered in spilled boze from the three tables he had overturned, but he was enjoying himself so much he didn't care. Poor Numf!
Vee spoke up with an apologetic cough. "Um, guys, can you please stop rolling on the floor now? These gentlemen over at this table would like to dance now, and..."
"Oops! Sorry, Vee" Cobie said, still chuckling. He slowly stood up, and tried to steady himself. He helped IB up, and Abin . Lardy was busy mopping up all the beer he had spouted.
"Whew, that was some laugh. I'm all tired out!" said IB.
"Yeesh, kid, you're tired already? At this rate, you're never gonna survive the Empress!" said Lardy with a big fat grin.
Abin Q and Cobie were ready to start rolling on the floor again at the look on IB's face.
Luckily for Semi and Vee, Outdoor Miner 'ported in at just that moment. Unluckily for everyone else, the news he brought would wreck the rest of the day for them something awful.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The door of SHAKES burst open, and in walked Truant Officer Ralph!
The room fell quiet instantly, and he never spoke a single word. His mere resence sent chills up and down every spine and sensory organ the patrons had.
He walked slowly to the bar, where Semi and Vee were. They were both rooted to the spot.
"Where is the kid called Invisible Brainiac?" he said, pronouncing the word "kid" with much contempt. "Don't try to hide him from me. I know he's in here." he said, leaning towards Semi.
"Um, uh, th-there aren't any k-k-kids n here. This is a b-b-bar, after all."
"Are you lying to me?" T. Officer Ralph asked, ever-so-calmly. "I can sense him here. I can sense any kid," again, with a lot of contempt, "anywhere. And I can scare anyone bad. You feel your heart beating fast right now? That's because of me."
Saying this, he dangled Semi from his hand, three inches above the floor.
Vee spoke up. "I d-don't care how b-big, b-bad, s-sc-scary and u-u-ugly you are, we've told you that there aren;t any k-k-kids here. N-now, put him down."
T O Ralph tuned to Vee with a scowl, his other hand pulled back into a fist. He was only five inches away. Vee closed his eyes;l he knew this was going to hurt.
And it did, though not in the way he intended.
He felt a weight fall on him. It was too light for the wine cabinet... He tried to push it off him, and then he realized it was Semi. "You okay?" he asked quickly, wiping his forehead.
"Yeah... that guy's nose started twitching, and then he driopped me. He ran out of SHAKES like he was a straight prude someone had hit on!"
Vee groaned. "I have a feeling IB won't be around tomorrow..."
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
TO Ralph was following hs nose. He could smell the little brat; he was very close. He rounded the corner...
And he saw a gigantic baby carriage, being wheeled by three drunks, a golden-haired woman, a large frowning Bug and a Cat.
"Darn, my nose must be clogged."
He began picking his nose as he walked up to them.
"Any of you seen a 16-year old kid, dark brow hair and eyes, about 5'8, likes to wear black, goes by the moniker Invisible Brainiac?" He turned to the woman. "You should know, you're a teacher, aren't you?"
"Oh, how did you guess, officer? You're such an observant man!" Harbinger said, using her sweetest voice. "But I'm afraid the only kid here is my little Numfie! Isn't he cute!" she simpered, pinching "Numfie"'s cheek.
"Ouch!" said "Numfie".
TO Ralph's eyebrow raised, in the manner of one who had just seen someone who was so obviously hiding something. "That's a mighty deep voice for a baby."
"Oh, he's advanced for his age!' said Cobie with a large "oh-my-grife-we're-in-big-trouble" type smile, as he shoved a baby bottle into "Numfie"'s mouth, and patted him on the head, while Lardy frantically tried to tell him that the bottle he was holding was filled with beer since there wasn;t any milk available.
"And he just hates it when Mommy pinches his cheek with her ultra-long and sharp fingernails, and uses her bimbo voice on him without thinking, doesn't he?" said Abin Q, with a meaningful glance at Harbi.
"Well, he hates it even more when Daddy reads him a story he wrote and then leaves it in the middle because he can't be bothered to finish it!" Harbi said, glaring at Abin Q.
"Oh, really know? Well, he hates it even more when Mommy pads her writing with silly little side comments' Abin Q shot back with a growl.
"Oh, and I suppose Daddy thinks Mommy has nothing better to do with her time than thinking of stories, and doesn;t even care that I had to stop my delightful conversation with the wonderful fat Cramer to help out with his hare-brained scheme?" Harbi said, grinding her heel into the pavement.
"Well, Mommy couldn't possibly know how much is at stake with this 'hare-brained scheme', and how important it is for it to be successfuly sccomplished? Or how obviou her attempts at padding were?"
"Those attempts at padding WERE supposed to be obvious, you little twit!"
"Oh, then you couldn't be bothered to actually write something useful, could you? Not like with your onevisions? Is going solo so much more important to you than working as a team? Or are the things thy say about you true?"
"Why you little..."
"Now, stop it! I am going to search that carriage!" said TO Ralph, whuile he was still picking his nose. There was more dirt in there than he had thought. But then, he didn;t need his nose to know that these two nuts were obviously lying.
Of course, neither Narbi nor Abin Q were paying any attention to him.
Harbinger was now an EAW, or an Extremely Angry Woman, something which was rarely seen on Legion World. This only occurs when someone makes a SIC. (Stupid, Insensitive Comment) As extremely angry women are prone to do, she picked up the nearest available object, which happened to be Fat Cramer. And as EAW usually threw next, they threw the objects they have just picked up at the object of their anger.
Now, poor Fat Cramer should have landed on Abin Q, but because TO Ralph was not only much taler but also standing in front of him, she landed on his head instead. Being no ordinary cat, but a Cat with a Capital C, she would normally not have scratched him in fright, but would have jumped gracefully down onto the ground. But being a very special Cat, she could easily tell the difference between friends and enemies, and so she dug her claws into TO Ralph's face.
At this point, IB fell out of the carriage because the eer had made him drunk.
"Damn, let's get out of here" said Cobie. "Stop it already, you two, your act was convincing enough!" he yelled at Harbi and Abin Q, who were trying to wrestle with each other.
"Who said we were acting?" asked Harbi.
"Yeah, she couldn;t act to save her life!" said Abin Q, just before a high-heeled shoe broke his nose.
"Whatever." said Lardy, rolling his eyes. "You should both have gotten drunk, then you wouldn't have noticed those hidden insults. Like me, when I'm drunk you can insult me all you want and I won't care!"
"We should be going now." said OM, not wanting to hear any more silly talk. He grabbed IB, Lardy, Cobie, Harbi and Abin Q and ported away.
"Get off me, you stupid cat!" yelled TO Ralph, grabbing Fat Cramer, tearing her off his face and throwing her against a wall. "Now you made me lose that punk kid!" He said, as he prepared to stomp on Fat Cramer with his big boots.
"Ha... Stoopid Cat's... my brother... My name is... Fat Cramer... you bozo..."
"Good, now I know what to put on your headstone."
"The only headstone around here is the one taking the place of your brain." said OM, as he ported in, grabbed fat Cramer and ported them both to safety.
"Damn!" said TO Ralph, stomping his foot on the ground anyway. Stupid animals! If only his powers worked on them! Oh well, they worked on people just fine. And that teacher. She would help him. He would make her.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Hey, Blue Boy, wha’ you do?” asked the small oriental girl. “Why the hell do you keep calling me Blue Boy?” asked Numf, as he prowled, cat-like, back and forth along the edge of the dumpster. He had been doing so for the past few minutes, keeping eye contact with the villagers. Only their heads moved, like a slow motion crowd shot at Wimbledon, following the prowl. “’Cos you blue. I lovely honey colour, villagers terracotta colour – you fuckin’ blue. You ultra-violet. Villagers think you a ghost,” replied the girl. “Me, a ghost? Fuck no. I heard that this was a haunted village – I thought this lot were the ghosts. They’re standing so still I thought they were Zombies. So, if they’re not zombies, then why on earth are they standing staring like that?” asked Numf. “They see naked ultra-violet man and think he ghost. They may be shit themselves seeing ghost – but they still zombies,” the girl told him, a naughty little smirk on her face. “Like I said, I’m not a ghost – I’m Scottish, this is our natural colour. It takes me a weeks sunbathing to go white. I’m not a ghost – cut me and I bleed,” he explained. “Good, I think that what they want to see,” the girl laughed. “Shit, who’s side are you on?” asked Numf a bit anxiously. “Me no care, me just along for ride.” “Oh, chuffin’ great. Any idea how we get out of here?” “What you mean “we”, paleface?” “I mean – you come with me, I promise you the ride of your life, little girl,” vowed Numf. “Not from where I standing,” the cheeky wee bint replied, staring rather un-subtly at Numfs wedding tackle, which withered further under her gaze.
---------Interlude-----------
And now a word from our sponsors…
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Ends with a fanfare!
--------End of Interlude----------------
Posted by Numf El on :
Numf stood stock still, facing the crowd, ramrod straight. His eyes were closed. He waited.
Slowly he raised his arms from his sides to approx 45 degrees from his head. His palms were open, implying honesty.
The crowd gasped in anticipation. At least they would have done if they hadn’t been silent zombies.
This would have been the place for gasps of antici……say it!…..pation.
------------Interlude--------------
Listen, just get off my back – I never claimed that any of this was original. If you don’t like it then I’ll at least try and plagerise less obvious stuff, okay? Where do you think Tarantino would be if you didn’t recognise the plagerism in his stories, eh? Homage, that’s what it is. Or maybe you can write some original stuff yourself. Think you can do better? Great, come onboard and start up a story line of your own……..Don’t think you can do better? Get writing anyway. Give it a try. Have some fun. You don’t even need any ideas – just take a story line and run, see where you end up. Cobies started a few – just go back a few pages, see one that interests you, and get on with it.
Good.
------------End interlude-----------
“Yeah, okay, Mr Blue, get on with it already!” came a small, heavily accented voice from the front. Numf opened his eyes, staring straight ahead. Using his periferal vision he spotted, as suspected, the small oriental girl staring up at him, smirk on face, arms crossed, tapping her feet on the sun dried mud street. “I have a dream!” He spoke slowly, and strongly, hiding quite well the fact that his stomach was rolling with all the alcohol from the previous nights drinking. He was trying to not think of various scenes from the film Trainspotting.
“I have a VISION ! ! !” he said. This got everybodies attention. Okay, he had it already, but that’s not the point. His oratory skills were unsurpassed, at least in that town, on that day. However, he hadn’t counted on the constant heckling.
“Scotsmen, and Mexican Zombies, arm in arm, playing together….” Numf noticed a red light flashing in each and every set of Zombie eyes, and they started to edge forward, as if angrily.
“Hey , Blue Boy, you tw@. We in Panama. Not Mexico.”
“Oh, shit, now you tell me. Scotsmen and PANAMANIAN ZOMBIES,” he said, raising his voice to be heard above the silent shuffling, “arm in arm, playing together in ummm,” he faltered, before coming up with a brilliant idea (thanks Harbi!) “together in the world famous Shameless Hussies! Numf-El and 300 zombies in the Shameless Hussie!”
“Hey, Blue Boy, they no’ speekee de Eeenglish. You no’ speak Portuguese?”
“Um, obragad’, conterattack, Chine!” said Numf with some pride. The only three words of Portuguese he had picked up on his honeymoon in the Algarve. Fucking shocking. Hello, counterattack and China. Great fucking help. But fairly useful if you want to help the Portuguese air-force after the Chinese have captured Lisbon.
“How ‘bout Spanish?”
“¿Olé ? Well, how about you tell them for me?” pleaded Numf.
“You a miserable little pleader! But I do it for you.” And so saying the small oriental girl turned and relayed in the local dialect the vision for the Zombies, who had, thankfully, stopped the shuffling.
After she had finished, she waited for a few minutes, turning from zombie to zombie as if listening to a silent conversation.
She turned to look at Numf again. “Okay Blue Boy, wha’ the plan?” she asked.
“Well, first I’ve got to get some clothes, then I’ve got to climb the Andes, learn to fight like a Kaolin monk and then banish the seven deadly sins, and then I’ll drop past on the way back home, and we’ll all go for a pint,” said Numf, matter-of-factly.
“So, you climb mountain, fight sloths and make porcelain plates? How we trust you to come back?” asked the small oriental girl whose name we had better learn soon, ‘cos I’m pissed off writing small oriental girl all the time.
“Listen, ah’ll have you know I’m a fuckin’ superhero!” said Numf, losing his temper and waggling his finger at her. “And therefore I am above reproach. I rank amongst the very best that the LMBP have to offer!”
“You do what? Oh, rank, that’s okay then. No, you no supahero, you naked blue man in dumpster.”
“ Shit, fair point.”
Posted by Numf El on :
“Okay, I know, why don’t I take someone along with me? That way they can guarantee that I come back this way. The only problem is that I don’t want someone that’s going to slow me down. And one thing that you notice about Zombies is that they’re generally pretty bloomin’ slow,” said Numf, after a pause to reflect on the myriad possibilities. “So, little girl, that means you.” “I no little girl”, started the little girl. “Fuck me, you’re a pretty unconvincing bloke then,” replied Numf. “You’re not one of them Ladyboys, are you?” “No, I not girl, I woman. I twenty free. I got good skin. You no call me girl. I tall, too. I five foot two. Tall as nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah -Angus. You no call me little no more. I break your balls,” spat, ummm……the tall, fresh complexioned oriental woman? “Hey, fair points all round,” said Numf, backing away from the vehemence. “So, what should I call you?” “You call me Kaant, ‘cos that my name.” “Okay, Kaant. I can see that we’re going to have some fun with that name. So, I need to find some clothes, and then we can wave goodbye…” “No – first you need bath. You stink. You covered in rubbish and stink of beer. You need bath or I turn you over to Zombies to eat your bones,” said Kaant. “Okay, dokay. You have a pretty convincing manner about you, you know.”
Posted by Abin Quank on :
------------Quaalude----------------
There are days when the Space/Time continuum is unusually calm and quiet. Today for example, Eddie Tor is sitting in his office quietly going over the proofs for the latest edition of “Ongoing LMBP Adventures Magazine”. Surprisingly, the dreaded blue pencil is laying untouched next to the proof sheets, he hasn’t marked up a single page of the issue, and he’s smiling! Seated on the other side of the desk are his two primary assistants, Trixie the extremely flexible Pixie and the perpetually pregnant Deirdre Harlow.
“Trixie, geta aholt o Abin an shake some story segments outer him. Dis stuff wit bot’ Harbi an Indivisible Brainy kickin da snot outta him cause he ain’t posting enuf is terrific funny but it alser highlites just how lazy dat bum is.”
Trixie’s groan brings a wicked chuckle from Deirdre and a sharp look from Eddie.
“*Gum Snap* Eddie, you know that lazy bum has a list of *Gum Snap* Excuses a mile long. “*Gum Snap* and he’s late on all of his commitments, not just with us. *Gum Snap*”
“Like it er nots, Trixie, I’s countin’ on ya ta lit a fire unner his ass. Do whateber ya gots ta do ta git his creatin juices flowing.”
“An’ Deirdre I gots a new assignerment fer you too… See abouts getting some o dem Hero Machine Drawrings o da majer LMBPers fer a Picture Spread. Mebbie we can jenerate some interests in dat…”
“O’ an where’s da latest from Spaced Ranger an’ Pagan Lass?”
--------------------------Quaalude wears off, Like---------------------------------
Posted by Space Ranger on :
JSMBP HQ (circa: a long time ago)
Stoopid Cat stalked StuRat with a feral gleam in his eye. This time he would finally pounce on the little rat bastich, he told himself with glee. This time there were no ancient Pre-Egyptian Sorcerers around to save StuRat. No Master-Baiter’s…
“Sufferin’ Succotash!!” the phrase was borrowed but the feelings of frustration were real as Stoopid Cat remembered how and why he had abandoned his pursuit of the Sorcerer centuries before.
*Hiss* “Okay, StuRat, tell me it’s finally time.” *Hiss*
“Well,” Stu muttered looking around the room, “If you and Pagan Lass are here, then I guess my future incarnation knew where to send us. And yes, you walking hairball, I think it’s time.”
“Good, I been waiting a long time to get this prophesy shit over with so that I can finally chomp your rat ass.”
A few feet away, Jaded Girl sat with Cloned Green Pig, watching the action going on around the room. Her eyes seemed to glow slightly as StuRat and Stoopid Cat came to an agreement to set aside their mutual loathing for the moment. Her eyes swept the room as the action going on around them ground down to a halt. She noted with a slight smile that in almost all cases the women (or reasonable facsimiles thereof) had outlasted the men (only Nightcrawler was still on his feet).
Turning her attention to Stoopid Cat she rises and strides across the room snatching him up in one fluid motion; giving him a quick scratch behind his ears before settling him into the crook of her left arm. Surprisingly his only reaction is to purr and cuddle into place. She then turns her attention to StuRat, who seems mesmerized by her actions.
“Bast!”
“I see you are as perceptive as ever.”
Nightcrawler’s voice cuts off StuRat’s attempt at a reply. “And who is Bast? I think it’s time you told me a few things Stu, before I’m forced to Bann you permanently.”
Posted by Pagan Lass on :
SHAMELESSHUSSIES!
Invisible Brainiac looked around the room with a feeling of Déjà vu and wondered how he could possibly be here and at SHAKES at the same time. Oh, well he decided, it wouldn’t be the first time a super hero type wound up in two places at once and it probably wouldn’t be the last. Heck that Wufferine guy over on Marble World was sometimes in nine or ten places at once. And, he thought looking at the cute girl sitting next to him, that’s not a bad thing.
But, be that as it may, even as Invisible Brainiac was being mesmerized by Party Time Skipper’s hand running up his arm, Cobalt was falling under the spell of Trailer Trash Barbie (or more accurately TTB’s Cleavage).
“*Gum Snap* Yo’ Horn Dog, My eyes are up here. *Giggle* Y’All need ta learn ta talk to a girl’s face. *Giggle* *Gum Snap*”
“Umm… Okay… Sorry… You girls want a drink?” Cobie’s struggle to keep his eyes above tit level was both obvious and highly amusing. He turned several shades of red as he
Quietly Numf and Abin shifted their chairs so that they could watch the stage (Where Plain Jane had been replaced by a rather more watchable girl named Hannah Hard-Body) and quietly converse (well, quietly for them, anyway) while their companions were distracted. Both of them struggled to keep a straight face as they watched their younger companions interact with the two girls. IB was the obviously the youngest person at the table and they expected him to be nonplussed by the attention being lavished on him by the cute young girl. But neither of them expected the Famous Cobalt Kid to turn into an instant klutz simply because an obvious groupie was hanging on him. But! Despite Cobie’s reputation on Legion World he seemed to be out of his element with TTB. She had him hooked from the moment she walked up to the table, and she knew it.
“*Giggle* And here I thought you were never gonna ask. *Gum Snap* I’d like a ‘Slow Comfortable Screw’ whatda y’all want Skipper?”
“Mmm… Sex on the Beach sounds good…” the younger girl directed a 1000 watt smile at IB, causing him to shift uncomfortably in his chair and attempt to unobtrusively adjust a certain portion of his anatomy. “Oh, you mean to drink! *Giggle* Do ya think they have diet RC Cola Here, Barb?”
“Who knows what they have here Skip, let the Cutie here ask and we’ll see.” She nudged Cobalt as she spoke almost causing him to give himself a severe case of whiplash as he vainly attempted to pull his eyes out of her cleavage before she noticed him staring again. (As if the drool wasn’t a dead giveaway)
“It sounds like you girls are new here,” IB murmured, glad to have a chance to say something that just might be considered intelligent. “How long have you two been on Legion World?”
“Legion World?” PTS’s smile vanished as she looked into IB’s eyes, “Where’s that? We thought we were in Mobile, I never heard of no town called Legion World. At least not in this part of Alabama…”
Posted by STU on :
[interlude]
The colors and font sizes really add just the right touch, don't they?
[/interlude]
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
<no, it reminds me of those horrid Leifield issues of Xforce where EVERY page had some OTT exclaimation in lurid colour.... blech... >
Posted by Numf El on :
“Here,” said Numf to Kaant as the bath was being poured in the upstairs room of the local taverna “hold me whistle for me, will you please?” “Cost you ten dolla!” came the reply. “No, no, no. I mean the flute.” “It been up yo’ ass. I no’ touch till you sterilise.” “It’s okay, I’ve had a vasectomy.” “What you talk about Blue Boy?” asked Kaant, confused with the previous discussion. “What yo’ real name anyway?” “Numf-El.” “Crap name – I call you Blue Boy.” “Well, I’d kinda gathered that,” replied Numf resignedly.
Five minutes later Numf luxuriated in a nice warm bubble bath. Don’t ask where the bubbles came from, ‘cos they hadn’t been there when he’d climbed into the bath. It was an old tin bath, the kind that had to be filled up with pots of boiling water. In walked Kaant to the room, not caring a jot that she was invading Numfs privacy, stopping him mid-fart. “Do you mind?” he asked, “Do I not even merit a knock on the door before you come barging in?” “It not like you got anything to hide. Unless you got something else stuck up yo ass.” “Now you mention it, I do feel a bit uncomfortable in that department….” “Me no wanna know. Me got you new clothes.” With that, Kaant held up a pair of stripy pyjama bottoms and a pale linen jacket. “Is that it? What about socks and shoes, underwear?” asked Numf exasperatedly. “You fuckin’ lucky I found those. Most clothes still on Zombies. Smell even worse than you.” “But,” started Numf, and then noticed the fists on the hips, the tapping foot, and the wide open staring Don’t-fuck-with-me eyes. “Ummm, thanks very much. Umm, by the way, who poured my bath?” “Oh, that be the House Elves.” “House Elves?” asked Numf. “Yeah, they on exchange course with Hogwarts.”
Twenty minutes later Numf came walking down the wooden staircase to the saloon bar. There were two people at the bar. Kaant and an oddly bulldogesque bald man, standing at opposite ends of the bar, nursing their drinks, obviously both deep in their own thoughts. “Oi, Kaant!” shouted Numf to the far end of the bar. The bulldogesque man turned towards Numf as if slapped. “Oi, mate. ‘Oo are you calling a cant? EH?” said the man, speaking in a pronounced, if somewhat cliched, cockney accent. He shoved his chest out, grabbed his beer bottle and smashed it against the bar top. “What the fuck are you talking about, you ugly tosser?” asked Numf, continuing down the stairs. Kaant had turned around and was watching the fun and games. “You fackin’ cant!” countered the cockney, steam issuing from his ears. “No, I’m not, but what business of yours is it what two consenting adults get up to?” asked Numf, losing a grip on the conversation once and for all. Apparently that kind of stumped old baldy bulldog brains too. “Huh? Wot you fackin’ tokkin’ abaht? Eh?” “Listen, who asked you to join in in our conversation anyway?” “Bu’ you called me a cant, din’t chu. I was mindin’ me own business and you came down an’ shaated Oi, cant. Now, w’ere I come from tha’s fightin’ tok.” “And where do you come from, eh? Lahndan?” “Yeah, mate, tha’s right.” “Well, it’s lucky that we ain’t there then, ain’t it,” said Numfy, standing chest to nose with Old BBB. “Anyway, I wasn’t calling you a cant (although if the hat fits….) I was speaking to my female companion, Kaant.” And so saying he indicated towards Kaant at the far end of the bar. Old BBB turned his attention where indicated. Kaant, on cue, gave a coquettish little giggle behind one hand, whilst waving demurely with the other. “And having thus distracted you….” said Numf putting all 175lbs of not quite prime Scottish beef into an uppercut that Muhammed Ali would have been proud of. Old BBB was lifted off his feet and landed behind the bar. After a few seconds a pair of hands emerged and gripped the edge of the bar. Followed slowly by a bald head. “Oi, cant!” “That me!” said Kaant, striking the point of a bald head smartly with an empty beer bottle. The head disappeared from view, followed closely by a pair of hands. “Teamwork, that’s what I like,” said Numf. “And anyway, if I’d known him I WOULD have called him a cunt.”
Posted by Numf El on :
“By the way, Kaant, Happy Chinese New Year.” “Why you assume that I Chinese? And why not just say Happy New Year. Would I say Happy Scottish New Year? Or Happy American New Year? Don’t patronise me.” “Sorry. So, where are you from?” “China.” “But you said….,” stammered Numf, totally flustered. “No, I say not assume. I not say I not from China,” said Kaant, a devilish smirk not far from the surface of her face. “Bugger. You’re just like Harbi. I can’t win a bloomin’ argument with her either.”
Posted by Numf El on :
“So, Blue Boy, you going to celebrate Burns Night on 25th?” asked Kaant. “If I happen to have a few beers, and maybe a dram or two that night it’ll be purely coincidental,” said Numf. “ No addressin’ haggis for me. I might eat some, but I’m not going to bleedin’ well speak to it first. And anyway, where am I likely to find haggis in the middle of Panama?” “Wha’ you mean. He yo’ national bard, celebrated world-wide where ever men in skirts,” Kaant said, in an attempt to wind up Numf. “Aye, that’ll be right. We might as well celebrate that Dundonian numpty McGonagal. I don’t know about Master of the Puddin’ Race – that man Burns’s a dumplin’. Maybe 200 years ago on the west coast of Scotland he meant something. But, personally I think he wis pish,” came the damning indictment from Numf. “So, you no’ like poems?” “No, it’s not even that. It’s like Shakespeare, and art, and sex – you either get it or you don’t. And when it comes to Burns, I just don’t get it. I think we should have a national Grainne Smith day.” “Never heard of him, Blue Boy – you make him up.” “Not at all. I found this poem in a magazine, and I’ll share it with you. It’s called Shoo’er. “Hale watter runklin ower the lane, stair roddies stottin aff the tar, branders hotterin, bubblin foo, an ma soakit feet rinnin, rinnin tae get hame.
The roadies dryin, risin’ steam. Blin storm gies wye tae a singin singin sky. A splashin splooterin draas ma een – Starlins haein a dook in a reemin watter spoot.”
“That’s – what that word you use – pish!” came Kaants equally damning indictment. “No, like I said, it’s all about whether you get it or not,” explained Numf. “This going to be long journey,” sighed Kaant.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
When Invisible Brainiac finally came to, the first thing he saw were Outdoor Miner, Cobalt id, Lardy, Harbinger and Fat Cramer staring at him with very grave expressions, all tapping their feet in- well, he assumed they were impatiently waiting for him to sober up so he could give them an explanation, but he could have sworn they were about to start tap-dancing any moment!
Abin Quank was lying on the floor, an icepack on his bloody nose.
"Care to explain who that creepy guy was that nearly killed Fat Cramer?"
"Or how he knew I was a teacher?"
"Or what he wants with you?"
"He's not a stalker, is he? You KNOW you're way too young for that."
"Quit scaring him."
"Hey, he's brave enough not to wet himself at the sound of the word 'stalker'."
"You're giving him ideas again! You've leeched away enough of his innocence already!"
"I object to such degrading use of the word leech."
"Oh shud up! By nose is killing be and I deed to rest!"
"Yeah, go ahead and sleep, you old bum."
"Who asked you, you *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*!"
"Hey, what's up with you, hitting him on the head with my beer bottle like that? That's fine quality liquor!"
"What delightful conversationalists you all are."
IB coughed. "Um, since you guys obviously aren;t in the mood for any explanations, i think I'll go back to sleep again." He quickly took another swig of beer, and fell asleep instantly. None of the others even noticed.
Posted by STU on :
quote:Originally posted by Invisible Brainiac: When Invisible Brainiac finally came to, the first thing he saw were Outdoor Miner, Cobalt id, Lardy, Harbinger and Fat Cramer staring at him with very grave expressions...
StuRat, who was quietly nursing a drink in the corner, did a double take.
When had Cobalt id shown up? And where did Cobalt ego and Cobalt superego disappear to? No one else appeared to have noticed! But if the other components of Cobie had temporarily taken a leave, then the rampaging, unchecked id portion of Cobie's personality might run riot, causing serious problems for everyone... especially the bovine citizens of Legion World...
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Yikes! My bad!
Oh well, without the ego and superego, I figure Cobie id will just sit meekly in a corner. So at least I don't have to give him anything to do for now. Posted by STU on :
I was hoping that Cobie id could become an interesting twist and an important part of the next tag-team story arc!
[ January 25, 2004, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: STU ]
Posted by Space Ranger on :
“It’s a long story Nighty, suffice it to say that a couple of these people are very old friends of mine.” StuRat smiled as he indicated Bast, in her Jaded Girl persona and Stoopid Cat. “And somewhere around here we’ll find the third person we need to combat the Master-Baiter.”
“She’s right there,” Stoopid cat purred, indicating Pagan Lass, “but she doesn’t know yet who or what she is.”
“I’ve got a pretty good idea what she is,” Nightcrawler commented as he watched her slowly disengage herself from the spent form of Mr. Terrifically and his now quiescent T=Balls, Ben and Wa.
“And what would I be?” the challenge in her voice caught Nighty off-guard. She was adjusting the mistletoe that served her as clothing as she strode over to join the group but her eyes were locked onto Nightcrawler’s. “As if I care what some escapee from a nightmare thinks of me?”
Incongruously, the direct challenge, combined with the imperious manner in which she stood up for herself softened his attitude, somewhat. He looked around the room before answering her. The aftermath of the unrestrained houghmagandy was evident, as bodies were strewn around in various stages of undress, in fact only two of the participants didn’t look any worse for the wear. Pagan Lass, who stood before him hands on hip waiting for an answer to her question and Cloned Green Pig who hadn’t participated in any of the horeling and belswagger.
“I think the terms putery and strumpery fit,” he smiled as he turned his attention back to her.
“Aye as does ‘about to be neutered’,” she retorted instantly and then broke into a smile of her own as she continued, “and if you have a big problem with these goings on mayhaps the term anaphroditous fits you.”
“Your command of arcane language forms is impressive,” interrupted StuRat, “but I think that it’s time we were away.” He turned and looked at Bast who sat sidesaddle atop Cloned Green Pig holding Stoopid Cat in her arms. “We await your command Cat Goddess.”
“Unfortunately…”
Whatever the cat goddess was about to say was drowned out by an outraged bellow from Dusty Baker and an outraged Ultrasonic Squeak from Rody the Super Rat.
“Now wait jest a darn tootin’ minute here! Rody an’ me been used as plot devices ever since this stupid story arc began. We was supposed to fight the planet Pluto. We was supposed to be the stars of this arc an’ do heroic things. We was…”
**Squeek** (instant Omnicom translation: Yeah, what he said!)
A wave of the Cat Goddess’s hand silences the pair. “Yes, you were scheduled to do those things but the Universal Blink caused a minor REBOOT so now you Dusty will join your friends at Shameless Hussies, where a pair of your former charges on the little blue bus have appeared, and you Rody shall join Numf-El in Panama, while the JSMBP fades back into Co(s)mic History…
And with so it happened…
Posted by Pagan Lass on :
SHAMELESSHUSSIES!
Pagan Lass smiled to herself as she watched Hannah Hard-Body “Strut Her Stuff” on the stage. In just a few minutes she would ascend the stage and begin her performance, a performance that would be long remembered by certain members of the audience.
In the small dressing room behind her Miss Smarty Pants sat talking quietly to Plain Jane, futilely attempting to console her after the rude treatment she had received from the crowd during her dance number. The rude remarks and crude jests had practically driven the young girl from the stage. Numf-El and Abin Quank, two of the supposed to be heroes of the LMBP, had treated the girl particularly nastily. Loud comments like; “Stoopid Cat has bigger tits than you do” and “Put it on, put it on! Put it on top of the dumpster!” followed by a red hot half penny being tossed onto the stage by one of them and a green energy screen appearing in front of her as she tossed the last bits of her costume into the audience…
Their antics left a cold fire burning in Pagan Lass’s gut. All of the dancers at Shameless Hussies were recent émigrés to Legion World. Some like Pagan Lass and Miss Smarty Pants arrived on Legion World in the company of various LMBPers, (Pagan Lass decided to join the LMBP after the recent Master-Baiter Affair, Miss Smarty Pants followed her favorite teacher, Harbinger, to Legion World and was determined to prove herself worthy of LMBP membership). While others like Plain Jain and Hannah Hard-Body, came looking to find a home for themselves on Legion World. They didn’t deserve to be treated badly.
Abin and Numf were her friends but in a few minutes they would receive a lesson in good manners…
“Mobile, Alabama?” Cobalt’s voice cracked as he uttered the questioning words. Just one night, he thought to himself bitterly, just one damm night I want to be able to relax and have a good time without some new mystery or menace popping up to ruin things. “Umm… Ladies, I’ve got some bad news for you…”
As Cobie launched into his Legion World Spiel, Invisible Brainiac’s mind kicked into overdrive. But as is often the case in LMBP stories, before he could form a cognizant thought he was interrupted by the arrival of Dusty Baker….
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
In Shameless Hussies, Cobalt Kid was acting strangely out of character. Why would he, the famous Legendary hero of Legion World who had to fight off the groupies day and night be so worried about some girl who thought she was in Mobile Alabama?
Salad Tosser Lord laughed at the the thought, as he spied on them with his hidden cameras! That was because this was Cobalt Ego, who was a bit insecure of himself! Cobalt Id was being easily watched in another story, but he seemed to have lost Cobalt Super-Ego somewhere along the way...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Cobalt Super-Ego smiled to himself as he poured honey on the girl next to him. He was a total pig, ready to have as many women as possible that night.
Also in the room, Lard Lad threw a bunch of money into the air, as the groupies dived for it, giving Lardy a nice view of the fighting ladies.
Also in the room was some strange guy that joined them and was enjoying the high life with them. His name was Porcupine Pete, and he was one hell of a prick.
Suddenly Eyrk Davis Ester burst into the room, being chased by the Succubus that was Dr. Lesbon. Looking to sexually ravage the LMBer as her own sex-toy, Dr. Lesbon decided she would kill him when she was done!
Seeing the debauchery in front of her, the Succubus suddenly became enraged, as dozens of naked groupie women began running out of the room, pouring into the streets of Legion World.
"Help Me!" screamed EDE, unsure of what to do.
"No prob!" yelled Lardy grabbing the succubus and planting a big kiss on her! "Looking good sweet thing!" he smiled, and the Succubus realized that she had found a new man!
18 Minutes later, a tired Lardy fell backwards into his seat and grabbed a drumstick. Cobalt Super-Ego continued hooting and hollering, throwing a cup of mead onto EDE who watched in the corner with an eye-brow raised. Porcupine Pete offered him a burrito.
The Succubus, thoroughly sated and fulfilled returned back to normal to her doctor form. She smiled to herself and teleported away, promising that she would never go evil again, now that she had seen what a good LMBer could do.
EDE, Lardy, Cobalt Super-Ego and Porcupine Pete didn't have too much time to rest though, as a message from Homecoming Queen came through...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
A huge comet landed on Legion World, crashing into a mountain, killing hundreds and destroying the eco-system. No one seemed to notice.
The Terrible Cactus Alien of Reeg 223 used his immense power to search Legion World for potential mates. Immediately, he found the top three candidates for his lover:
1. Harbinger 2. Abin Quank 3. Bucky the Super Beaver
"Ah," he thought, "I hope my mates will enjoy fornicating and listening to bubble-gum pop music as much as I do!"
Posted by Numf El on :
Deep in the Panamanian jungle, our intrepid Numfster and his newly appointed sidekick were well and truly lost. They were headed in a vague southerly direction, knowing only that they wanted to head south. “So, Mr Supahero, what yo’ supa power?” asked Kaant as a way of engaging Numf in conversation. Numf wasn’t in much of a mood for conversation. His guts were in the utmost turmoil, and the heat was dehydrating him even more than his hangover. Together it was a fairly lethal combination. “’Scuse me,” Numf said, as he headed behind the nearest large tree. After five minutes of some rather un-printable noises, Numf re-emerged, looking a tad happier with himself, and also a few pounds lighter. “You know something Kaant, I’m an alcoholic bulemic.” She glanced at him sideways, expecting a smart-arsed punchline. He didn’t let her down. “Yeah, after my 12th pint of Guiness I throw it all up.” “Ha, ha, very funny, Mr Supahero. Ultra Violet Boy. So, apart from inability to absorb sun-light what yo’ supa powers?” she asked again. “Apart from the sarcasm? And the ability to swear a lot? I really don’t know. You know something though, it ain’t humid, but it sure is hot. I’m glad that I picked up this lampshade to use as a sunhat,” said Numfy. “How many times I tell you - that a chandelier, not a lampshade. Okay, ‘nother power - ability to wear any clothes and still look like prick. Why you still carry flute. You play?” “Hell no, the only people around my way who could play the flute were religious bigots. And since I’m an atheist I never learned. But, I thought that in an emergency I could use it as a pea shooter. And even if it’s not going to come in handy for that, I can’t wait to watch Harbi play it when we get back. Knowing where it’s been.”
They trudged for a while, through the rain forest, swiping at mosquitoes, Numfy unconvincing in his tale of the size in comparison of midgies on the west coast of Scotland. “I don’t suppose you know what time it is, do you Kaant?” asked Numfy. Suddenly, and instantly, the sun set, leaving them in absolute darkness apart from the very faint starlight. “Oh, that’ll be six o’clock then.”
Around them, there was silence. All the insects, and small frogs which had been keeping them companion for the last few hours were suddenly nowhere to be heard.
Posted by Numf El on :
In the nigh pitch blackness a pair of eyes peered out from the foliage, six feet away from Numf and Kaant. They were small beady eyes, and the starlight also reflected off a pair of sharp incisors. Numf and Kaant were sitting side by side, backs against a tall tree, covered by large palm fronds, in an attempt at hiding. They didn’t really trust each other, but they trusted the central american wildlife even less. Having been surprised by the sudden falling of night they hadn’t had time to prepare shelter nor a fire (they hadn’t been able to locate two boy scouts to rub together). However, a small rodent-like nose had tracked them here, all the way from the haunted village.
Posted by Rody the Super-Rat on :
*squeak of anticipation*
Posted by Impulse I on :
Suddenly, Impulse I, a strapping young man wearing rather odd spectacles burst in carrying a flint and tender to light the fire for Numf and Kaant.
"Don't mind me fellows, learned this trick as an eagle scout for the Galactic Boy Scouts of the UP," I say as I quickly make a fire using superspeed and then dash to make a lean-to for shelter.
"Anything else you boys need while I am at?" I ask with a sly grin and a quick adjust of the spectacles.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Back at LW...
Harbinger senses something. She doesn't see, hear, smell or taste (no bad thoughts here! ) anything. She can feel it. Invading her mind. She tries to fight back, using her strong will, developed from years of teaching hard-headed kids. It's her mind, her rules. But sadly, it doesn't work that day.
Her mind is lost to her.
SWhe is still there, inside, but cut off from the part of her mind which allows her to take control of her actions. A malevolent force exists there in her stead.
She watches in horror as she turns towards the still drunk and sleeping IB, and grabs him by the collar. And then she can feel, in a detached way, the feeling in the pit of her stomach that comes whenever she defies gravity.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Cobie and company barely notice at first that Harbi and IB are gone. That's cause they are still busy arguing, (in a calm and reasonable manner, of course ) while Abin Quank is trying to find some ice for his bloody nose.
"Oh, so you're trying to say that you've never encouraged him before?"
"It's all in fun! Come on, he's almost eighteen!"
"Almost is not the same as not yet."
"I still say he's old enough to handle himself."
"Do we even know that that weird squaj was after himbecause of that?"
"Well, IB must have done SOMETHING pretty bad."
"Oh come on, that guy could just have been a wacko."
"Hey, anybudy got an icepack for be?"
"Yeah, have a little more faith in him."
"hellooooo, guy in deed of sum medical adention here!"
"Yeah, are you saying IB is naughty enough to get some vice squad officer chasing after him? I mesn, Cobie still hasn't achieved that distinction, and you know how bad HE is!"
"Sumbudy help be, I'm bleeding badly!"
"But Cobie's of age already! It's legal for him to do that! IB's not!"
You can imagine how the rest of the argument goes. Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
They were still arguing when Lightning Lad flew through thr hole in the roof (courtesy of the mind-controlled Harbinger) and landed next to them. They were still arguing when he raised his voice to tell the something. They were still arguing when LL gave the all a good zap! with his powers. Heck, they were still arguing when he showed them a very risque advertisement for Shameless Hussies!
They DID listen when the words "permanently banned" and "exiled to the DC boards" were sifted through all the words they were hearing and tripped the emergency signals in their brains, though.
They all jumped up and stared in LL's direction, except for poor Abin Quank who had passed out from loss of blood.
LL was tapping his foot impatiently. "Now that I finally have your attention, what are you guys planning to do about rescuing Invisible Brainiac?"
"What do you mean? He's still here- Oh, grife." said Lardy, as he stared at the empty bed where IB was lying just 10 minutes ago.
"We are so screwed." said Cobie, for once not getting excited at the sound of the word "screwed".
Posted by Numf El on :
“Much appreciated young…..ummmm….who on earth are you, and where did you come from?” asked Numf of the young, rather nattily dressed man who was busy putting in plumbing, complete with water filters, at superspeed, into the newly comstructed lean-to. Numf was getting accustomed to people appearing suddenly, but still needed time to assess whether they were there to help, or take the piss. “Sorry, I should perhaps have introduced myself - my name is Impulse 1, and I am one of the newest members of the LMBP.” So saying, he politely bowed towards Numf, then turned and bowed to Kaant. “Wha’ you do here?” asked Kaant, very suspiciously. “I came here to bring you the gift of heat, shelter and a clean water supply,” came the answer. “And just how the buggeration did you know where to find us, or that we were in need of help in such forms? You certainly appeared ready with the flint, almost as if you knew exactly what was required. Not to say anything of having suitable piping and water filters on your person,” queried Numf, himself becoming very suspicious all of a sudden. “They not on his person, he have them in bag,” said Kaant, not very helpfully. “Umm.. I can’t tell you…….I promised Cobie I wouldn’t tell……..” stammered Impulse 1, backing away slowly. “GET HIM!” shouted Numf as he dived headlong at the new arrival. Kaant was a split second behind. Both fell flat on their faces. “Did you not notice that I possess superspeed?” asked I1 incredulously from behind them. “Or are you truly as stupid as the beautiful Harbinger believes?” “Well, at least that proves that you know Harbi - though I’m not too sure of the beautiful part,” said Numf from the ground, turning onto his back to look up at I1. “How can anyone who has met her not believe so?” asked I1, all confused for a second. “Don’t tell her that, whatever you do. She’s got enough of an ego as it is.” “Hey, noo boy, why you here?” asked Kaant as she picked herself out of a tree root. “I can’t tell you,” replied our superfast hero, if that is what he is. “I Kaant - you tell me.” “No, I can’t” “No - I Kaant……”
Now, I could go on and on like this for a page or two, but I’m sure that we would lose a few readers along the way, and since the popularity of a thread dictates the level of advertising that it gets, lets just say that it went on for a while. While we’re on the point, when are we going to get some international advertising - free Cokes, or Bud or something. I could do with a change from rowies, even Aitkens. How about getting BMW to give us all a car each? I mean, this stuff’s better than Seinfield, or Friends, and they’re on millions of dollars an episode……………….
“No, I can’t!!!” “No, I Kaant!!” Numf awoke to the same argument that he’d fallen asleep to. He yawned, stretched and gave his scrotum a damned good scratch. “Ah, that’s better,” he moaned contentedly to himself.
Kaant and I1 were standing toe to toe, eyes to belly button, yelling at each other.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Much appreciated young…..ummmm….who on earth are you, and where did you come from?” asked Numf of the young, rather nattily dressed man who was busy putting in plumbing, complete with water filters, at superspeed, into the newly constructed lean-to. Numf was getting accustomed to people appearing suddenly, but still needed time to assess whether they were there to help, or take the piss. “Sorry, I should perhaps have introduced myself - my name is Impulse 1, and I am one of the newest members of the LMBP.” So saying, he politely bowed towards Numf, then turned and bowed to Kaant. “Wha’ you do here?” asked Kaant, very suspiciously. “I came here to bring you the gift of heat, shelter and a clean water supply,” came the answer. “And just how the buggeration did you know where to find us, or that we were in need of help in such forms? You certainly appeared ready with the flint, almost as if you knew exactly what was required. Not to say anything of having suitable piping and water filters on your person,” queried Numf, himself becoming very suspicious all of a sudden. “They not on his person, he have them in bag,” said Kaant, not very helpfully. “Umm.. I can’t tell you…….I promised Cobie I wouldn’t tell……..” stammered Impulse 1, backing away slowly. “GET HIM!” shouted Numf as he dived headlong at the new arrival. Kaant was a split second behind. Both fell flat on their faces. “Did you not notice that I possess superspeed?” asked I1 incredulously from behind them. “Or are you truly as stupid as the beautiful Harbinger believes?” “Well, at least that proves that you know Harbi - though I’m not too sure of the beautiful part,” said Numf from the ground, turning onto his back to look up at I1. “How can anyone who has met her not believe so?” asked I1, all confused for a second. “Don’t tell her that, whatever you do. She’s got enough of an ego as it is.” “Hey, noo boy, why you here?” asked Kaant as she picked herself out of a tree root. “I can’t tell you,” replied our superfast hero, if that is what he is. “I Kaant - you tell me.” “No, I can’t” “No - I Kaant……”
Now, I could go on and on like this for a page or two, but I’m sure that we would lose a few readers along the way, and since the popularity of a thread dictates the level of advertising that it gets, lets just say that it went on for a while. While we’re on the point, when are we going to get some international advertising - free Cokes, or Bud or something. I could do with a change from rowies, even Aitkens. How about getting BMW to give us all a car each? I mean, this stuff’s better than Seinfield, or Friends, and they’re on millions of dollars an episode……………….
“No, I can’t!!!” “No, I Kaant!!” Numf awoke to the same argument that he’d fallen asleep to. He yawned, stretched and gave his scrotum a damned good scratch. “Ah, that’s better,” he moaned contentedly to himself.
Kaant and I1 were standing toe to toe, eyes to belly button, yelling at each other.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Squeak squeak, squeakity squeak.” “Okay, I’ll lie still and speak in hushed tones,” answered Numf suspiciously, in a hushed tone, as the others yelled some more. He looked around furtively for the beast behind the voice. From out of the forest sneaked a small grey animal, clad in blue cape with a familiar red and gold emblem on it. “Hey, you must be Rody, the Super Rat. Excellent to meet you at last, I’ve heard so much about you. I’ve even had that telepathic implant put in so that we can talk to each other,” said Numf, rather excitedly, whilst trying to maintain the hushed tones. “Squeak squeakity squeak squeak, squeak squeak.” “You checked that before you came? Why?” “Squeaky squeak squeak squeak.” “Ah, I see, Impulse 1 is so new to the LMBP that he hasn’t had the implant yet, due to the long waiting list. So only I can understand what you’re saying. Ah, I see. But why?” Numf checked that the argument was still ongoing behind him. “Squeak.” “What do you mean I’m going the wrong way? I’m heading south, aren’t I?” “Squeeeeeeeek.” “Oh, I see. Silly me, I don’t have a map. So, Panama runs west to east, and not north to south. And the place I’m headed is called what?” “Squeak.” “Peninsula de Azuero? The Blue Peninsula? There’s something fishy here. Kaant keeps calling me Blue Boy. Impulse 1 said something about Cobalt Lad, and cobalt is a bluey sort of colour, and we’re headed for the Blue Peninsula. Mmmmm, I don’t imagine there’s much chance that we’re going there to make a blue movie, is there?”
Posted by Numf El on :
Numf stood up slowly, trying not to hurt Rody, whom he had secreted into an inside pocket of his jacket. He turned slowly to look at his two “companions”, still trading “No I can’t / Kaant”s. “I hate to be a spoilsport,”said Numf, drawing their attention away from each other, “but do you think that it might be at all possible for you both to SHUT THE FUCK UP!” For miles around everything stopped what they were doing and turned towards Numf, giving a large area of absolute silence for all of three seconds. After that all the wildlife realised that it wasn’t them to whom he was talking and went back about their business, fornicating, defecating and eating each other. And not necessarily in that order.
Posted by Numf El on :
Deep in the Panamanian tropical rain forest, Numf stood facing Kaant and Impulse 1. Numf was in standard hero pose, head held high, chin out, shoulders back, feet apart to shoulder width, groin thrust forward and balled fists on hips. They were still toe-to-toe, but had turned to face Numf, and were standing there slack jawed.
“We have a spy amongst us,” said Numf.
This was followed by a second of silence.
And then a sharp intake of breath, and a giggle.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Truant Officer Ralph gleefully (well, with as much hint of glee as a happy crocodile would have)took the still drunk form of IB from the mind-controlled Harbinger. Finally, his mission was successful. With a snap of his fingers, he caused Cobalt Id and Cobalt Ego to merge back together, while leaving Cobalt Super-Ego out there to act like a bastard and totally ruin whatever was left of Cobie's reputation after the security tapes were released.
He kicked IB roughly in the ribs. He didn't do it for fun, he just did it out of pure hatred. Oh, did he ever have plans for this kid who had given him so much trouble...
He quickly opened a portal in space, a portal that transcended universes, a portal that defied all logic (not that portals generally have much logic in the first place), and he kicked IB right into it. Behind him, the mind-controlled Harbinger just stood there, staring blankly into space.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Abin Quank was curled up in a fetal position, tenderly trying to feel the damage done to his nose. Harbinger would get the rough side of his tongue when she got back! (when you interpret that statement, be sure to pick the less risque one, because that is what I mean ) Of course, hopefully she would still be mind-controlled, because that would be a HELL of an improvement!
0h well, at least now he had an excuse for not continuing his onevision or his segment of the ag-team thread. AND the cute nurse with the fabulous twins was waiting on him hand and foot. If only he could lose the pain too, he would be the happiest guy in the universe.
Little did he know that a certain vegetable-like alien would soon be turning him into the most miserable guy in the universe.
Posted by Numf El on :
Back in the jungle - “Impulse 1, what a ridiculous laugh you’ve got,” said Numf. “However, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a spy. And not a very bloody good one either, by the way. If Cobie’s going to use my telepathic implant as a tracking device, you can tell him that he doesn’t need to send in the Cavalry every time we feel a bit cold, or wet. I know he’s just getting used to being my dad, but that’s taking his parental duties just a bit far. “Now, you’ve got a choice, you can bugger off back to Cobie and tell him you’ve been found out, or you can join us, and not send back any signals. It’s your choice.” “How ‘bout third choice. We kick fuck out of him for being spy. And then he bugger off,” offered Kaant, who was looking at Impulse 1 as if he was the shit on the bottom of her shoe.
Posted by Numf El on :
One swift kicking later……………
Impulse 1 helped Kaant and Numf-El to their feet.
“I must apologise,” said I1, “but if you’re going to try physical damage towards me, then you’d better try a damn sight better than that.” “Bugger,” quoth Numf once more, rubbing his cranium where I1 had pounded him rather unexpectedly. “ Bugger, bugger, bugger. That was HER idea,” said Numf, pointing at his young oriental sidekick. “What are you doing hitting me?” “Well, I thought..” stammered I1, “that you were, um, going to attack me again…” “Fuck no, I remembered this time how bloody quick you are. I knew we’d take a kicking if we tried to jump you.”
Kaant was picking herself up when she spotted a strange shimmering in the air behind I1. “Look out!” she shouted, pointingbehind Impulse 1. “You don’t think I’m going to fall for…aaaaaaaarghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!” screamed I1 as he was sucked into an interdimensional vortex, which disappeared in the blink of an eye.
“Whorra fu’ wos tha’?” asked Kaant, turning to Numf. “Eddies in the space-time continuum..” said Numf. “You had this joke before - I s’pposed say Eddy who? I not stoopid. Whorra fu’ are eddies in space-time continuum?” asked Kaant, spoiling Numfs chance of double-dipping his joke-bag once more. “Well, it’s…” started Numf, searching for the right word. “Fluctuations……” “Fluc you too you round-eye bastard!” screamed Kaant, giving Numf the finger before turning tail and disappearing into the jungle.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Thanks Rody for taking I1 out of the equation, are you sure you’ve delivered him safely back to LMBP HQ?” asked Numf, concerned suddenly for I1’s wellbeing. “Squeak, squeak,” replied the Super Rat, sitting on Numfs hand. “Yeah, I know he’s not really a bad spy, he was only trying to help, but he’s pretty new to this game, and I don’t want him getting hurt. And I don’t suppose I like the thought of Cobie sending baby-sitters for me.” “Squeak.” “ Well, I was trying to keep her close, you know. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Get her thinking that I thought she was on my side, and therefore I was on herside. That sort of thing. Saw it on a TV programme once, about this bloke wandering around all over the place, playing tunes on his flute, walking through deserts and shit like that.” “Squeak.” “I don’t look anything like that bloke in Baywatch! You offend me, Rody!” “Squeak!” squeaked Rody, exasperatedly. “Oh, sorry, David Carradine. Oops, translator error. Oh, you mean with the pyjamas, nae shoes and a flute. And on a voyage of self-discovery. Oh, okay. I’ll let you off. But I don’t have a grenade embedded in my hand.” “Squeak. Squeaky squeak.” “Oops, wrong film.”
Posted by Space Ranger on :
“StuRat, just where in the nine hells are we?” Nightcrawler hissed at his companion, as just for a split second he cursed his own impetuous decision to re-include himself in the rollicking space/time/planet/universe jumping adventures of the LMBP.
“How the hell am I supposed to know, Nighty, this is your home dimension – I’ve never been here before.”
That they were in one of the nine hells of his home dimension didn’t faze him. What they might find there did. While Baalshazzar, better known to the LMBPers as Nightcrawler has been away from his home dimension for many years, (but as they say “you can take the demon out of the hells but…”) he knows that as peaceful as the scene seems to be appearances can be deceiving. A quick look and listen reveal to him only the normal sights and sounds of home. Twisting spirals of scarlet and silver smoke rising from pools of quicksilver… the smell of brimstone and the stench of burning flesh… black bat-winged shapes moving in the distance… a single lingering screech of pure terror that ends in a choked gurgle… a black shadow slowly creeping across a blood red moon. A howl, a hiss, the sound of a trap door opening and a neck snapping. “Everything seems normal enough,” Nighty thought warily, “which means trouble can’t be far away.”
“I smell fish.”
Stoopid Cat’s announcement was followed by action, and curses from his companions, as he leaped out of Bast’s arms and bolted into the rocky underbrush.
“Tell me again why we brought that damm cat along…”
“Because an ancient prophesy states that he and I are essential to the defeat of the Master-Baiter.” Pagan Lass called back over her shoulder as she leaped after her cat, “But it doesn’t say why or how.”
The chase lasted for a few anxious minutes before the group caught up to Stoopid Cat. They had to duck and dodge through the weird vegetation and sharp rocky protrusions that seemed to shift into their paths at every opportunity. But eventually they caught up to the cat, only to be greeted by another mysterious stranger.
“Hello Baalshazzar,” the female figure in the crimson hood hissed, “I see you’ve brought some of your little friends home with you this time.”
“Shit!” Nighty came to a screeching halt as he saw the figure, causing Cloned Green Pig to run into his back, which hurled him forward into Pagan Lass, who fell on top of StuRat. While, off to the side of that pile, Stoopid Cat sat licking his paws. On the ground in front of him lay the skeleton of a fish.
“Asmodea, what are you doing here?”
Posted by Pagan Lass on :
SHAMELESSHUSSIES!
Pagan Lass ascended the stage in a swirl of mystic energy which caused her amazing mane of scarlet tresses to billow about her body. Dressed in her usual attire, three small sprigs of well placed mistletoe, her voluptuous body hidden by the swirling movements of her hair, she kept her eyes averted as she listened to the gasps from the crowd. The loudest of the appreciative noises came from exactly where she expected, Numf and Abin. Smiling in their direction she raised her arms and released her spell. The two of them floated out of their chairs and joined her on the stage. A downward movement of her arms completes the spell and there are three women on the stage, Pagan Lass, Roseanne, and Rosie.
“And for yur vewin pleasures, a special performance by… Urrk…” the announcer’s voice is cut off mid sentence as he sees who is dancing naked on the stage… and to make things worse his featured performer is seated in the LMBP section along with the other dancers. He suddenly realizes that he’s stuck with what is happening and it ain’t pretty.
“So Cobie, you little cutie, are you going to introduce me to your new friends?”
Cobalt’s head snapped around so fast at the sound of PL’s voice that for the second time that evening he almost gave himself whiplash, “Umm… Hi Pagan Lass, aren’t you supposed to be dancing?
“Numf and Abin decided to take over for me.”
“Holy Shit, Cobie, Look up on stage! BWAHAHAHA!!”
IB’s laughter does the trick. Cobie’s head swivels again, this time bringing a sharp pain that causes him to fall out of his chair. He barely hits the floor however before his fall is caught by a diving Trailer Trash Barbie. Somehow he manages to land face first in a spectacular valley and his fall is cushioned by a pair of soft, natural shock absorbers.
“You alright shugah?” *Gum Snap* “You seem a mite jumpy.”
“What the hell are you two doing here?” Dusty Baker’s voice cuts through the confusion like a hot knife through limburger cheese (He really needs a new mouthwash).
“Umm. Skip, is that who I think it is?” TTB’s voice comes from behind Cobalts now limp body.
“You know these two Dusty?”
“Yeah, I know ‘em. They’re from back home. I pick them up for school each morning.”
“School?” Invisible Brainiac’s voice cracks on the hated word.
“Yeah, Prof. Baldy’s School for Gifted Youngsters, they’re both Meta’s. Barbie over there has some form of weird Animal Magnetisim and Skipper here has an IQ…”
Dusty’s words are cut off as a hand the sise of a table slams him across the room.
“Whoever you little twerps are, you will be the first to fall before the might of JUGZERNAUGHT!” Posted by Numf El on :
Kaant waited a hundred yards (about 91 metres for anyone measuring metrically) further down the rain forest path. She now realised that there was something wrong, and that Numf wasn’t going to come running after her and fall into the spike filled, palm leaf covered trap that had been lying in wait for a number of weeks now. Although there was something wrong with the situation, Kaant was fairly sure that Numf wouldn’t have twigged the exact problem.
Kaant was also fairly sure that no-one would remember the Sour Grapes Gang, or at least if they did, then they would assume that they were now defunct. Most people didn’t even remember the Banana Bunch, and certainly wouldn’t realise that their nemeses were still active. Their mission, to wipe from the earth all remnants of the Terrible Four and their descendants, was unknown to the residents of the world who had assumed that it was simply a silly TV series. Nothing could be further from the truth. After being cut from the airways, and therefore the minds of the world, three out of four of the Bunch had been butchered in their sleep at the Old Actors Retiral Home in Wisconsin. It hadn’t even made the local press, on the day that George W Bush had invaded Iraq. The world would never believe the real reason for the invasion was as a diversionary tactic, even if they were told. Who would ever know of the terror that Dubya had suffered in the formative years of his forties, realising as he did that he would never be as intelligent as ANY of the Bunch, and that he would never have any friends either, unless he stopped his bed-wetting ways. Oh, and being a twat. Thankfully his dad leant him some of his. His Funda-fucking-mental-ist Christian upbringings had gelled well with the SGGs tenet that false idols should not be worshipped. A Sour Grape at heart, he had been secretly contacted by a Mr Benn, no sorry, Blair, and world domination was planned……..
They did realise that one day they would have to face off against the Mousketeers – but that day of reckoning had yet to arrive.
The fourth and last of the bunch, Snork, had been captured in a small , wooden outhouse in a Tennessee swamp, and summarily executed, after hours of torture. The torture session had uncovered the fact, through squeaks and snorts, that, although there were no children left behind, there had been that unusual occasion of the DNA sample taken by a large man made out of rock……….
Posted by Numf El on :
Numf was feeling horny. He often did, especially when the hangover wore off. But this time it probably had something to do with his other self (?) partaking of pleasures of the flesh at Shameless Hussies. Lucky bastard. He thought. This wasn’t the first time that one of his other cloned selves had turned up and pretended to be him. It used to really piss him off when they stole his girlfriends though. He’d had to kill quite a few of them up til now, and he supposed he’d have to kill this one too.
Unless one of the other posters took the hint and killed him off in an un-necessarily gratuitous, and preferably humourous, way.
“Hey, Kaant, how do you fancy a 69?” Numf shouted down the path that Kaant had disappearred down.
“Where you get ingredients fo’ sweet sour chicken from?” came the distant reply.
Numf laughed. It was, after all a better reply than the “Fuck off” he’d expected.
Rody the Super Rat was on a Mission – Wayne “Shameless” Hussey had appeared as if from no-where, and considering The Missions musical output over the last 15 years, that’s probably precisely where he did come from. The first that Numf and Rody had been aware was when they heard a snatch of song through the rain forest, coming closer.
“You rescue me, You are my faith, My hope, My liberty. And when there’s darkness all around, You shine bright for me, You are the guiding light To me, You are a tower of strength toooooo meeeeeeeeee”
“Hey,” Numf had said to Rody, as Mr. Hussey had come tramping up the rain forest path, walking boot clad with acoustic guitar attached upside down on his back. “That sounds like Wayne Hussey.” “Squeakity, squeakity squeak,” squeaked Rody. “I suppose you’re right, he does look more like Jon Anderson with that haircut.” “Fuck off, I heard that,” said Wayne, as he strode within earshot.
“Wayne Hussey, if I’m not mistaken. It’s an absolute pleasure to meet you,” said Numf, as he extended his hand to be shaken by the gothic one. “Don’t tell me – you’re Numf-El, though you wouldn’t know it from the attire. I recognise you from glasses and the almost Freddie Mercury-ish moustach. Plus the fact that you have the world famous Rody the Super Rat on your shoulder.” “So, tell me, Mr. Hussey…” “Please, call me Wayne.” “Okay, Mr. Wayne….nah, that doesn’t work, I’ll think of you as a cowboy.” “Just Wayne, okay. I can’t have one of the world’s guardians referring to me as Mr. Unless it’s IB of course, but that’s just becausehe’s a kid and should be calling anyone over the age of 20 Mr.” “Anyway, Wayne, what on earth are you doing wandering in the Panamanian raiin forest?” “I’m making my way to a gig.” “A gig?” “Yeah, I’m playing a solo set in the El Condado Club in Buenos Aires on the 13th of March. And, when I’ve got the time to do it I prefer to walk between gigs. That way I experience the travelling, and the countries, instead of just waking up at different venues.” “Cool.” “Squeak!”
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
***interlude
Numf.... gimme some of your drugs! This is wackier than.... well...wackier than most things I guess....
WAYNE HUSSY!! How much did I fancy him when I was a teenager.....!!! Oh all my gothic aspirations come flooding back.... sigh....
Also love your reasoning behind the Iraq invasion - probably about as close to the truth as the WMD stories....
end interlude****
Posted by Numf El on :
Kaant lay in wait. She may not have any weapons to hand, but nor did she need them when she possessed such bloody minded visciousness, and there were the usual array of stones, pointy sticks and vinesjust lying around. But Kaant also knew that 200 yards (183m) further on down the path there were such items as landmines and handguns, bazookas, stinger missiles and several thousand of the faithful, in the secret central american HQ of the SGG. So, Kaant decided not to lay in wait after all, and buggered off to get re-inforcements.
She had been trusted with the mission (no, not The Mission this time) to eradicate the last vestiges of the Banana Bunch. Luckily for the SGG Kaant was computer literate and 0.04 seconds on the google search engine had turned up an interesting little story about cloning and large grey stone men, which had pointed her fairly and squarely in the direction of Numf. It was then simply a case of following the storyline to work out where he was likely to turn up in a vulnerable location. She also knew that Numf was incredibly gullible. Piece of piss. Who said the internet was only used for porn and Trekkies.
Luckily for the Numfster she didn’t have her laptop with her, or else she would have known that she now faced more than one adversary. Unfortunately, they were presently discussing the proverbial Good Old Days. “I don’t know if this’ll float your boat, Wayne, but I know one of the LMBPers that used to fancy you. In fact, I believe the quote was “Wayne Hussey, he’s God. I want to have his babies”, when you were on Top Of The Pops in about 1985.” “It wasn’t Harbi, her with the massive…” Wayne does “Big Round Jugs” hand motions, and looking very interested at the prospects. “Well, possibly her too…. But it wasn’t who I was thinking about. It was actually …” “Not Sonnie Boy, surely…..” “Well, actually it was, yes. It should have been a bit of a give away really, shouldn’t it. I think my dad might have sussed though. But then, he probably thought it was just a phase.” “Well, I wouldn’t normally be interested, but next time you see him, give him this from me…” And so saying , Wayne Hussey grabbed Numf gently by the face, one hand on each cheek , and gave him a great big, eyes closed, open mouthed kiss. In fact, I’d probably go as far as to call it a snog. Several minutes later, Numf pushed Wayne away, ever so gently and said “Nothing personal, Wayne, and don’t take this the wrong way, but would you mind if I just told him you sent your regards?”
Posted by Numf El on :
Rody the Super Rat wasn’t interested in the trappings of fame. In fact he really didn’t like any musicals made after Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Let Numf and Shameless trade stories of the ‘80’s, Rody smelt a rat. A female rat. But she would have to wait until he had dealt with the more immediate danger – Kaant. Having changed into his Predator-inspired invisibility suit, Rody had followed her scent down the trail, narrowly missing out on falling down the most obvious trap he had ever seen, due to lack of attention. He had been concentrating on the scents, and hadn’t been looking where he was going. He invisibly wiped the sweat from his Super brow, and thanked his lucky stars that we’re not as smart as we’d like to think we are. He stood on the brink of the trap and breathed deeply.
Rumble, rumble, rumble……
Rody heard a noise coming from a few hundred yards further along the path. To him it wasn’t a couple of hunred yards. He was a rat – he didn’t know what a yard was. And he had no concept of what a hundred was. So, to him it was just “lots of a bit further”. However, hearing the rumbling coming ever closer he realised that he wouldn’t have to go any further to investigate the noises – they would come to him. He stood in the path, and waited. Nose twitching in the air, ears cocked.
Rody could smell Kaant, closely followed by a metal / diesel smell, followed by lots of intermittent sweaty human smells. And gun grease. That meant one thing – trouble. And if ever a rat knew how to handle trouble, it was Rody the Super Rat.
Posted by Numf El on :
Rody could always justify what happened next on the fact that rodents are naturally incontinent. At least to himself. The acrid smell of ratchet (bloody spell checker!) didn’t even register as Rody stared, bug eyed, at the large metal object rumbling towards him. Rody had only ever seen tanks in picture books previously, and had until now no understanding of just how fearsome they were as they bore down on you. Especially when you’re only rat sized. Rody couldn’t take his eyes off the contraption rolling towards him, and hadn’t even noticed the lots and lots of people swarming behind, with the glee of religious zeal in their eyes. In other words they were mad mental bastards who could and would do whatever they liked and claim it was done in Gods name. Or Allah. Or Whoever. Completely forgetting that the main point of every religion is to live in peace and love with your fellow man / being. Rody stood his ground, the hero that he is.
Kaant surveyed the terrain ahead from the safety of her tank cockpit (and no, I’m actually going to refrain from any jokes on that point, you know about Kaant having a cockpit the size of a tank, and variations on that theme. I feel they would be beneath even me. Oh, and while we’re out of the story for a second, I’d like to point out the fact that having an oriental baddy isn’t meant to be a slight on all orientals. It’s just that Kaant’s a cunt. And that isn’t meant to be a misogynistic use of the word cunt, it’s just that it’s such a great sweary word – and as such is unisexual. Men and women can be called it by equal measure e.g. Alan Shearer may possibly be described as such. But calling Kaant a cocksucker doesn’t really work, nor a motherfucker, nor a prick for that matter. And calling her a cow or a bitch doesn’t get near the scope of her nastiness. So, the term “cunt” is my sweary of choice. So don’t be offended by my being a racist mysoginist, because I’m not. And if the language offends you, then what the fuck are you doing reading an R rated piece of literature. Go back to reading the PC version of Noddy, you know, the one without the gollywog and the dwarves. Oops, sorry, I’ll get down off my soapbox and get on with the story. Right, where were we….) Ahead of her she saw a small multi-primary-coloured entity on the ground. This was cause for concern – it hadn’t been there five minutes ago. “Stoooppppp!!!!!” screamed Kaant, in an attempt to take futher stock of the situation. The tank driver slammed the brakes on and skidded.
Posted by Numf El on :
If the tank had kept up its speed, well, who knows, it may well have cleared the spike infested pit. As it was, it came to rest, precariously balanced over it, rocking back and forth, like something out of a 1960’s cult British movie which has recently been re-made. Spotting that the teeming multitude behind would soon get it back safely to safety, Rody leapt. The most heroic, accurate leap of Rodys life, From a standing leap he jumped 12 feet (3.66m) forward and 8 feet (2.44m) high, and landed on the gun nozzle of the tank. There he stood, stock still, on one foot, like the kid at the end of Karate Kid. Staring at Kaant. “Gerri fu’ off my fu’’in’ tank!!!” Kaant screamed at Rody, waving her arms frantically.
If this were a TV series there would be one of those entirely unnecessary breaks. You know, the ones where it’s obvious that there should be an advert break, but instead you just get a second of blank screen, and then back to the exact same place in the scene. So – blank screen……. And back to the story…….
Rody had long been a fan of Lara Croft. He wasn’t interested in the infeasibly large chest, tiny waist and tight buns, like all of her other fans. He was a rat, for goodness sake, what use were they to him? One of his favourite moves of hers was her back flip. Rody had practised this move on his own, hour after hour in his bedroom in front of the mirror, for just such an occasion as this. He had also practised his Angus Young air guitar in case his hero should ever call on him needing a replacement, and of course he had practised masturbating himself to death. He hadn’t quite worked out what use this last one would be, but it was definitely an end of the world scenario.
Rody gave Kaant a closer look at his front paw middle claw. He pushed down with both feet, disrupting the already precarious balance of the tank, and simultaneously sprang upwards and backwards, front legs outstretched at his sides. He performed a perfect somersault, sailing through the air, cape fluttering majestically. He landed perfectly on both back paws, turned, and gave a bow to his adoring fans. Who of course were only there in his head. This did, however give him the chance to watch the tank, teetering slowly over the edge, dropping towards the sharpened stakes below. Kaant had dragged herself from the cockpit and was trying unsuccessfully to run along the gun barrel as the tank picked up momentum on its way to the bottom of the pitch.
Rody was suddenly distracted from his pleasure at having performed the perfect Croftesque back flip by a high pitched “pinging” to his left and right. The SGG zealots had reached the edge of the spike infested pit and were shooting at him. It was, however, like just about every Hollywood movie he had ever seen. The baddies could never shoot straight, even with 60-round-a-second machine guns. If Rody had had a peashooter he could have seen if the converse was also true.
Posted by Numf El on :
Rody decided that, although he himself wasn’t in any danger, that the odd stray bullet might slip past and injure one of the two humans back up the trail. And they were under his protectorate. That and the fact that the horde of zealots was starting to realise that they could actually just go around the pit. Pity. It had been fun watching them try to climb over the tank and fall, either on top of Kaant, who was non too happy, or else skewer themselves on the pointed sticks. Zealot kebabs, eh? Great stuff. So he turned and started up the hill.
“Why? Am I not a good kisser or something?” asked Wayne Hussey. “Not at all, just check the bulge in my pyjama bottoms,” replied Numf. “You’re definitely one of the best kissers I’ve ever come across. That’s C-O-M-E.” “Then why don’t you want to pass that kiss on to him?” asked Wayne, all dejected, like. “Go on, he’s my favourite…well, apart from maybe Harbi. But Sonnie’s just soooo artistic…..” “’Cos he’s me fuckin’ brother, that’s why not. I’ve got nothing against mano-a-mano snogging – not for me personally, though. And I’ve got nothing against giving my brother a kiss. That’s not a problem either. But snogging my brother’s just riiiight out. And anyway, I think he’d be jealous of me having received a kiss like that from his hero.” “Oh, okay, I can see where you’re coming from. I mean, I can see what you mean.” “So, how’s about I give you his address, then , and you can pop round to see him next time you’re in London? Yeah? ‘Cos him and Harbi live together ..” Little Waynes head was bobbing up and down frantically at that thought. “Good, now, since you’ve got your guitar, how about a little singsong.” “Hey, what a great idea, what do you want to sing? Tower Of Strength?” asked Wayne. “Nothing personal, but I was never a great fan…. but I’ve got an idea. Right, it’s E then A then E again for the first line, then E, B7 and back to E again, and we do that whole thing twice, got it?” asked Numf. “E-A-E, E-B7 and back to E twice. Got it,” replied Wayne, tuning up his acoustic. “Okay, go, and join in with the vocals as soon as you can pick them up…
“Tra-la-la la-la-la-la Tra-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la la-la-la-la Tra-la-la-la la-la-la-la
“F” prompted Numf, which was quickly picked up by Wayne. “One banana, two banana, three banana, four…”
They were interrupted by a squeaking, and turned to see Rody high-tailing it towards them.
“Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, FUUUUCCCKKKK!”
“What was that Rody, run like what?” asked Numf, whose translator had translated the last word back into rat. Wayne tapped Numf on the shoulder and pointed back down the trail. “Ummmm…look what’s coming our way.” Numf turned his head and saw large quantities of mad mental bastards with guns, bazookas and fucking big knives hurtling their way with menace in their eyes. “Okay, I think I get the idea,” said Numf, in a very small voice.
They ran like squeaksqueaksqueaksqueakitysqueak.
Posted by STU on :
[interlude]
I didn't know who Wayne Hussey was, so I did an internet search.
Well found, Stu. Superb. It makes a change from a cheap Cindy doll with a crocheted dress.
K'N
P.S. Glad to see you're not really evil after all.
[End interlude 2]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
IB was having the most wonderful dream. He was with Cobie, Numf and Abin Quank in Shameless Hussies, and one of the girls was paying attention to him. They had been flirting shamelessly for the last half hour, and IB was running out of techniques to use, since Cobie, Numfie and AQ had only shared a portion of their flirting styles with him. They claimed the rest of their techniques were too... adult for a 16 year old. But IB was slowly making headway...
"So, cutie, is there anything else about you I should know?"
"Well, do you know that I'm a freak of nature?"
"In what way? Do you have, like, six toes or something?"
"Worse. I have 3 feet."
"Ooooh, I'd like to see the other foot."
"Well, then, follow me and I'll let you see then."
"Can I touch them?"
"Of course, that's what they're waiting for."
IB's grin was getting wider and wider. He would SO enjoy bragging to the others, who liked to rib him about what had happened with the Emerald Empress. He was so busy thinking of how he would bring the subject up at the next drinking session that he didn't see where he was going. He tripped over Cobie's drunken body and landed on the floor. Hard. His last thought was that he hoped that the cracking sound wasn't his spine.
[ February 13, 2004, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: Invisible Brainiac ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
IB slowly opened his eyes to the sound of silence. He could see a white ceiling, with moving electric fans which he could barely make out in the darkness. He tried to move, and hit his head on something hard and wooden,
"Yeowch!"
As he opened his mouth, he inhaled large motes of some white powder. He coughed, but his coughing only dislodged more of the same powdery stuff. He tried to get out of there, and fell on a dirty, hard floor. He was coated with powder. He still felt... woozy, though. He decided to close his eyes again.
"Damn! I was just getting to the exciting part! And now I'm stuck here, in wherever this is. Cobie and the others must have dumped me here. Grife, serves me right for falling asleep in Shameless Hussies... Well, might as well find my way back. I still have a nice pickup line to try..."
He slowly stood up, and tried to dust himself off, but only succeeded in getting himself to cough more. He gave up, and then he let a tiny flame spring to life in his open palm. What he saw nearly caused him to collapse again.
He was back. Here, inside this place of horror, this place which he hoped he would never see again, not since he had found a new home at Legion World. This place which still gave him nightmares sometimes, which crushed him and tormented him and stifled him. The place where he had left all his old friends behind, hoping that they would find a way out like he did. The place which had destroyed a part of him long ago, a part which he was only beginning to rebuild on Legion World.
He was in the Real World.
Posted by Numf El on :
Welcome to the jungle, we’ve got what it takes……
Allegedly.
Tied to a tree WZ was refusing to talk. He had been gagged by Numf, using one of his sleeves, and tied upside down to a tree using the strap from his AK47, but was still shaking his head. At least Numf had managed to gain himself a pair of sturdy boots. However, he couldn’t take his eyes off Rody, who was sitting on Wayne Husseys hand being stroked whilst eating a piece if Wensleydale that Wayne had taken from his rucksack. (I don’t know if it’s been mentioned before, but I thought it fairly obvious that he’d have a bag of some description if he’s going to be doing a lot of walking….I didn’t mention trousers either, but you have to kind of make certain assumptions considering the circumstances, you know?) Rody had never tasted such a delightfully subtle flavour, and it was rapidly making its way into his Top Ten list of cheeses.
Numf was trying the fairly straightforward approach of getting information from someone. “What’s the fucking problem? Why the dingly dangly bits are you lot chasing us with fucking guns and knives and shit like that?” he asked, quite succinctly he thought, whilst staring into WZs eyes from about 3 inches (75mm) away, gritting his teeth and shaking his fist in a way that suggests it’s about to come into contact with WZs nose. WZ shook his head once more, slowly. Fat and wheezy he may be, but that doesn’t mean that he gives up at the first sign of trouble. Numf threatened to kick him, but turned away instead, and pondered a bit. Wayne was sitting a short way off. He put Rody down and started practising the new song that he had been starting to learn. “Tra-la-la la-la-la-la” came his husky tones to the, admittedly in-tune, twanging of his acoustic. WZ started to shake, getting more violent as the practising continued. “Tra-la-la la-la-la-la”. WZ started thrashing wildly, foam spitting from behind the gag. With a snap the machine gun strap broke, and WZ fell to the ground still thrashing. Wayne stopped playing, picked himself off the ground and went over to give WZ some help. WZ started to calm down almost immediately. “Looks like some kind of Pavlovian attack,” suggested Wayne. Numf turned from his silent pondering, looked around for a few seconds and said “Where? I can’t see any meringue, let alone raspberries. But anyway, what are we doing about finding out who and what’s behind this? And why?” “Idiot. Have you never heard of Pavlovs Dog?” asked Wayne. “That was the little black and white one on the record label wasn’t it?” asked Numf showing once more his ignorance.
Posted by Numf El on :
Panama…Panama-ha-ha-ha……………
The rain had come again, as it so often does in rain forests.
Kaant didn’t appreciate the fact, being stuck as she was at the bottom a great fuckin’ pit. Complete with big pointy sticks, a vertical tank and several SGG kebabs. When she had regained consciousness and removed the corpse from her head – that corporal was lucky he was dead already – she had started to climb up the tank. And then the heavens had opened, making the metal far too slippery for vertical climbing. Instead she sat in a puddle of mud (insert pun of choice concerning PoM song of choice), thinking she’d pissed it all away. She £@€#in’ hated him. (Okay, that’s enough.) She had lost all control, and was out of her head. Her vision had gone all blurry. But she knew that she’d never change. (Look, I said enough already!) That Numf was sooooo gonna get his ass kicked. She was so angry that her reddened face was steaming slightly in the wetness of the downpour. And her anger was given vent on anything within (admittedly a very limited) range.
She was not a happy bunny.
Posted by STU on :
At that very moment, and not thirty yards away from Numf and company: the air rippled and shimmered, and the cheerleader known as Homecoming Queen (real name: Amber) came crashing through a distortion in the space/time continuum.
HQ was wearing about as much Numf had been wearing just a few pages earlier.
It took her about half a second to realize this. And the fact that she was now suddenly in the middle of a jungle, probably hundreds of miles from the nearest mall. And anyone who might know or care about the latest teen fashions.
She screamed. And screamed. And screamed.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Unbeknownst to her, Homecoming Queen's trip through the spacetime continuum had accidentally set her communicator to an open channel.
While her terrified screaming was picked up by EDE, Lardy, Cobalt Super-Ego, and Porcupine Pete at the top of page 31, they apparently decided to ignore it and go about their business.
Posted by STU on :
Not only did they ignore it, but they found it rather amusing -- assuming that she was in no real peril, and was probably just overreacting (again) to something minor (as she was wont to do).
In fact, they giggled!
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
After giggling, Lardy and Cobalt Super-Ego continued being written about by IB above.
Meanwhile, EDE accepted the burrito that Porcupine Pete had offered him, and his story continues here! Posted by STU on :
Hey, don't let this R-rated thread be forgotten in lieu of the X-rated one! They can both co-exist harmoniously on Bits!
(In fact, maybe there can be a crossover sometime soon...?)
[ February 16, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: STU ]
Posted by Numf El on :
Deep in the Panamanian rain forest, Wayne Hussey was trying to explain his rather simple theory to Numf-El. In case anybody missed it, it runs like this – either the sound of the acoustic guitar or else the song that was being sung had set off a reaction in WZ. Quite a bad reaction at that.
Suddenly, they heard a stereo scream. Or, more accurately, two screams coming from diagonally opposite directions. Two female voices. Two damsels in distress. Numf sent Wayne & Rody to investigate the scream that was coming from down the trail away from the angry hordes, while he went to investigate the scream coming from the direction that they had disappearred. There was something very familiar about that scream – he had heard it before.
As he ran, aware that it could easily be a trap, Numf had some serious thinking to do.
Why the hell was he still writing in this Tag Team story, when everyone else had buggered off to start a new story elsewhere. Somewhere there was no 33 pages of history to catch up on for newcomers, so was readily more accessible. Where the upper echalons , or even the higher hierarchies, of Legion World were doing the writing. In fact they had almost run away from this story. Shunned it. What were they scared of? That had been quite a big hand grenade, STU. We’re going to bugger off and take our ball with us. And leave you to play by, or even with, yourself. He could try to edge into their exalted company, with a new story line. However, what he couldn’t do is take this story with him. Would that be such a loss? Did anyone still read this drivel anyway? Was he going anywhere in particular, or was he just meandering through the story going absolutely nowhere?
But the big question was – Could anyone, with the possible exception of Rody, actually give a rats ass?
Posted by Sanity or Madness? on :
[ February 21, 2004, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: Nightcrawler ]
Posted by STU on :
quote:Originally posted by Numf El: Did anyone still read this drivel anyway?
But the big question was – Could anyone, with the possible exception of Rody, actually give a rats ass?
[somewhere in North America, STU is reading through 33 pages of riveting story, whilst appreciating the Wayne Hussey toilet roll cosy he obtained at a fair price from eBay]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
I'm reading it Numf, and laughing my ass off ! Don't stop yet!
Posted by Numf El on :
------Interlude--------
STU, Cobie - thanks ever so much for your backing of the story. And the continuation of it. STU, I’m really glad that you’re taking the time to go back and read the whole 33 pages - there’s some good stuff in there.
However, I’ve come to a standstill. My creative juices have been boiled away. Rule 10 has been like a brick wall to me. It’s not that there is no story - it’s that I can’t write fluffy kittens. I don’t do strawberries and cream, good old wholesome moms apple pie. You probably noticed.
Prior to joining up with you guys about September or so, I hadn’t written anything creative (apart from my timesheet, ha, ha, ha) in 22 years or so. Since my English Higher at age 17 or so. How exhilarating this period has been - I didn’t realise how much fun it could be. I was never much good at school . But then, as with art and giving up smoking, I believe that you’ve got to be in the right mood. Doing it because someone tells you to doesn’t work the same.
Now I can’t get past “People want me to stop writing what I‘m writing - people want to stifle me!” And as you can imagine, that’s not a good place to write from. That only brings out anger, and no matter where your argument lies it only ever looks bad from there on in. I’m not being paranoid, and I realise that the finger is not only pointed at me, but I probably swear more per 100 words than anyone else around here.
From a moral point of view, I oppose censorship. On so many levels. But this is not the place to list them all.
I have to go away now, and do some serious thinking.
I may be back, but I don’t know at the moment.
I have to say though, that it’s been an absolute pleasure, one and all. Cobie, Stu, Abin, Harbi, Sonnie, IB especially.
Feel free to use my character to whatever ends you will,
Love Ken xx
--------------End of Interlude----------
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Numf, I'm incredibly sad that you are going to be leaving us for a break. I don't want you to go, I don't want you to stop writing your stories, and I want you to remain a major contributer to the fanfic and tag threads on the Bits forum.
But I have to honestly say that I can understand exactly where you're coming from. When rule ten went into effect, I kept wondering if I'd be able to write at all, until I finally decided that I'd be able to. But I can see where you're coming from. And writing your stories, if feeling a bit like you're being stifled, will not be the same at all.
I've loved all the posts that you've written, from your and Harbi's long trip to this recent hysterical segment with Kaant, and I really, really hope that I'll be reading more of your posts in the future. Please come back as soon as possible, I like having you present on the boards. But I can see where you're coming from. (And, just so you know, it's been acknowledged that the finger hasn't been pointed at just one person, and especially not you. It's a combination of myself and others here, plus in the Mission Monitor Board and in the Anywhere Machine as well.)
In other words Numf: the pleasure has been all ours . Come back soon and write more tag stories, PLEASE!
Posted by Harbinger on :
Rule ten?? SoM you big weed! Have balls enough not to quote it verbatem like a good little nazi! Sonnie will rip you a new arsehole if you take this too far, it's a story telling thread for God's sake. We are adults here, and trust me, I work with kids and saying the 'C' word will NOT upset them, only bring them back for more!!!
Miss ya Ken, gi's a call soon!
Posted by Harbinger on :
Actually, hiding behind Sonnie in that last statement wasn't good. I'LL rip you an new areshole if you stop my story.
End rant
Posted by STU on :
Correct me if I'm wrong, but... wasn't Rule 10, or some form of it, always in place?
I thought the issue of "age appropriateness" was brought up recently only as a reminder to be careful -- not as an indication that anything specific that was said on this thread was offensive or inappropriate.
Numf, I do hope you will reconsider. Your contributions and your presence are very much appreciated just as they are, and would be greatly missed by everyone here. (Also, please see the PM I just sent you!)
[ February 21, 2004, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: STU ]
Posted by Nightcrawler on :
<Interlude>
SoM's eagerness aside. Rule 10 was made after speaking with other members about how things are getting out of hand from time to time, but as STU stated, it's been here all the time.
It's a more specific part of Rule #1! I love the fact that so many people come here and share their creativity, but I fail to see why people are having a problem with all of this. Words are not being censored here. And only in an instance or two has anything been edited. Harbinger, we are not all adults here. That's an illusion of the internet.
All I ask or have ever asked of anybody here, was to please be respectful of everybody else. In this case it's me and Scott and the fact that this is our webspace and we'd like to keep it! Got it?
May I suggest that anyone who wants to write stuff that gets out of hand and that they feel violates the rules, then by all means use your own webspace and link that page to here. There are plenty of free pages out there.
Although Rule 10 is worded a bit heavy handed, it takes language like that to wake people up from their own behavior sometimes. It's only been implemented in one instance, Lardy's second Fuckin' thread title. That's it. If anyone seriously believes there's rampant censorship here then they have to seriously examine what that means.
Feel free to PM or e-mail me about anything here.
<end interlude>
[ February 21, 2004, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: Nightcrawler ]
Posted by Nightcrawler on :
<interlude two>
And Ken, I've read through most of your posts and I don't think that anything you've written is a part of the "out of hand" posts that people are refering to. Perhaps I should remove SoM's post of rule #10? It's causing the wrong reaction.
<end of interlude>
Posted by Harbinger on :
Gary
you created this swonderful space for us all and we're ahving hissy fits over interpretting what amounts to a fairly straight forward request for simple decent manners.
Apologies. Having re-read this in the light of day I understand exactly what you're saying.
Apologies to SoM also, I bet you have a very cute arse so I have no intention of ripping anything, though would gladly buy you a drink sometime as recompense.
Bxx
[ February 22, 2004, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: Harbinger ]
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
What Cobie & Gary said, I'd be very sorry to see you bugger off for long, or for good, Numf. (And I'm not saying that just to protect my arse.)
This story has gotten too complicated for me to contribute to without totally screwing up continuity, the other will probably be the same in a week or so. Short attention span, I guess I have. But it doesn't mean I'm not reading and enjoying it!
That being said, I'm sure something truly exotic could be done with fluffy kittens, strawberries & cream. Throw them in the Hootchie Hut and see what develops.
Posted by Nightcrawler on :
quote:Originally posted by Harbinger: Gary
you created this swonderful space for us all and we're ahving hissy fits over interpretting what amounts to a fairly straight forward request for simple decent manners.
Thanks! And congrats on becoming a mod here.
Ken, I would like it very much if you'd continue the story.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
quote:Originally posted by Fat Cramer: What Cobie & Gary said, I'd be very sorry to see you bugger off for long, or for good, Numf. (And I'm not saying that just to protect my arse.)
This story has gotten too complicated for me to contribute to without totally screwing up continuity, the other will probably be the same in a week or so. Short attention span, I guess I have. But it doesn't mean I'm not reading and enjoying it!
That being said, I'm sure something truly exotic could be done with fluffy kittens, strawberries & cream. Throw them in the Hootchie Hut and see what develops.
Cramey, if any of us really cared about continuity, the story wouldn't be anywhere near as long and complicated as it is. Jump in and throw those kittens into a bowl of strawberries and cream at the Hootchie Hut and see what happens!
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
Numf will be back... he's had toooo much fun here to stay away, and I reckon an 'angry' but PC story about fluffy kittens, strawberries, cream and random story elements, like maybe lycanthropy wouldn't be beyond the realms of Ken's fantastic mind...
y'll spik t'us soon loon, aye?
Posted by Numf El on :
Ladies and Gentlemen, Lads & Lassies, Loons and Queins :-
Thank you all for your kind words of support. They are very much appreciated.
Thank you to Harbi for jumping, size 3 feet first, to my defence. SoM - I’m sorry for being the cause of the aggression against you.
Cobie - it must be hereditary……..Glad though that I wasn’t the only one to feel that way.
Sonnie - I wish you’d PM’d me the lycanthrope line, ‘cos there’s surely a great story in there……..Maybe later, when everyone else has forgotten that you’ve given away the punchline…...
STU - cheers, I’ll answer your PM separately.
Nighty, thanks for taking the time to allay my fears that I was somehow perverting the morals of the world, or whatever it was that I thought I was doing. (Do atheists believe in morals? Without God and Satan is there an ultimate right and wrong? Therefore….. ah, crap, forget it.) I realised that I wasn’t having the finger pointed at me, however, I felt that I may have fallen under the umbrella. And as such, rather than bringing your wonderful site into disrepute I felt it prudent to remove any possible problems. [Harbi is right - you do have a great site here, and I didn’t want to spoil it, nor feel that others thought that I had spoiled it.] Your comments meant the most, in this case.
On Friday I wrote a 2000 word essay (and it’s been a good while since I’ve done one of those..) on Numf-Els views on censorship. It was probably more a look at things that people generally find offensive. I might post it one day to give you all a laugh, once this storm has passed.
However, all of my arguments were all blown out of the water by one phrase that I couldn’t get past. “It’s Gary and Scotts website and they ask that we play nice.” End of argument. I would expect you to play by my rules in my territory, and as such I will play by your rules in your territory. Rule #1 - Respect. So, I’m glad that I was, in retrospect, perhaps a tad paranoid after all. And that you don’t think I’ve overstepped the line in the sand. If I do overstep the line, please feel free to PM me and haul my ass back into line. I'd rather that then what's just happened. I personally feel that it's better to be told straight than to worry about what may or may not be.
Having said this, I don’t feel that I’m quite back in the place that I was prior to the posting of Rule 10. Brain flash-fried. But at least on the way back.
So, no more Tag Team at the moment - gotta be in the right place for that. In the zone, I suppose the expression would be. And I’m kinda watching from the sidelines at the moment. But, I promise to come back and finish off the Panamanian escapades of Numf, Rody, Kaant and Mr. Wayne Hussey. Promise. But if you feel the desire to pluck them out of there for your own devices, feel free - I don’t think it’ll spoil things too much if I don’t kill them all off. I’m gonna be around, just not particularly active for a while. It’s too good a site to run away from, and that was something I hadn’t wanted to do.
Oh, and if anyones at Waynes gig on the 13th March at the El Condado Club in Buenos Aries, pick me up a tour tee-shirt, will you please?
Respect to all,
K’Numf
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Well said Numf.
I Posted (and then deleted) one of those essays in a separate thread (also Deleted) because I was convinced that I knew better than everyone else how to deal with the perception of a problem. After a few hours I realized that I was off base and deleted everything before anyone else posted to (or possibly even read that nonsense) the thread.
Hopefully this incident is over and we can all get back to doing the things we enjoy here on Legion World. And just so that you are clear on this point, one of the things I enjoy the most here is reading your Insane Stories! Please start writing again soon.
Chuck
Posted by STU on :
[interlude]
Taking a break from the hectic and rather odd events, Numf sat down on a tree root and opened his rucksack.
Rody clambered onto Numf's knee.
Numf rummaged through the rucksack and produced a small block of cheese. He cut it in half, and the two companions enjoyed its rich, mellow goodness in silence.
Numf patted the super-rodent in a friendly way, and Rody gave a squeak of contentment.
[/interlude]
Posted by Numf El on :
“Sorry Rody, but I reckon that Wayne will need your help more than me, so why don’t you go and take his rucksack back to him. Tasty cheeese, though, wasn’t it?” Rody ran back down the trail, dragging the rucksack behind him, squeaking in delight. Numf picked him self up and started slowly on his way again. He hadn’t heard anything since the initial screams. But he still had to be careful. There was a preternatural silence. It was as if all of the animals in the rain forest were holding their breaths awaiting the next installment…..
Across at the other scream location, Wayne Hussey was leaning over the edge of a steak and stake infested pit, the corpses, mud and blood not a pretty sight - so if you’re too young, or unusually sensitive, or just a big girlie (as opposed to a big girl - I’m not trying to be sexist here) I wouldn’t join Wayne on the edge there if I were you. A pile of corpses had been built against the near wall of the pit, and a small oriental girl had been using them to clamber nearer to ground level. Like the absolute gent that he is, Wayne had already disconnected the strap from his guitar, and was offering it down to the young girl to enable her to climb out of the hole. Unfortunately for all concerned, Wayne hadn’t had the telepathic implant that enabled him to understand the frantic squeaks from Rody, who had just appeared at his side.
Numf couldn’t remember where the bloody hell he was; it was as if somebody was playing with his brain. Well, maybe just muddling his senses a bit.
Oh yeah, something about screaming.
“AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!” came the scream again, this time from directly behind him.
Numf shat himself.
Posted by Numf El on :
“Sorry Numfy,” giggled Homecoming Queen,” I didn’t know it was you.” “Bleedin’ ‘ell HQ, you just about gave me a 007,” complained Numf, massaging his chest, whilst flat on his arse. “What’s a 007?” giggled Amber, trying to hide her chest. And other bits, which I’m not allowed to mention in any detail. “You know, Bond, Jamesh Bond,” explained Numf in an impeccable accent. “Hee hee hee,” giggled Homecoming Queen some more, before stopping short. “Nope, I still don’t get it.” “A bloody Sean Coronary,” replied Numf, picking himself up off the ground. He took off his jacket and handed it across to HQ. He turned away, although not quite enough to prevent a full view of her moving her arms to maneouvre the jacket into place. Luckily it came dowm to mid thigh level, so sparing HQs modesty. “Oh, Numf,” giggled HQ, pointing at Numfs rear. “You must have landed in some elphant sh..” “Yeah, I know,” interjected Numf before she realised that the nearest elephant was probably in Mexico City Zoo. “I’ll get a clean pair as soon as I can. So, what brings you to Panama - not another plan of Cobalt Lads to help me out of this mess that I’ve got myself into.” HQ went all misty-eyed at the thought of CL for a few seconds, then shook herself back to reality. Even through the fabric of the jacket you could tell along which lines her thoughts had been. “No,” she giggled, “if I knew you were going to get into that sort of mess I would have brought a spare of trousers for you.” Numf snorted derisively. “Or maybe even brought a pair for yourself.” “Yeah, I wonder what happened to all my clothes……..” said HQ. “So, why are you here then?” asked Numf. “I’ve got no idea. But I can’t be bothered reading back a few pages either to find out - and I’ll bet that no-one else can either. So let’s skip it and get on with the story.” “Okay, good thinking Amber,” agreed Numf.
Across at the stake-pit - “Come on, little girl, grab the strap and I’ll pull you up,” said Wayne encouragingly. “I no’ lirrle fu’in’ gal,” squeezed Kaant quietly between her grinding teeth. Rody squeaked continuously, and impatiently. Kaant glanced over, and feigning surprise and fear leaped back, almost knocking herself out on one of the stakes. She pointed at Rody and screamed hysterically. “Rat, its a fu’in’ rat! I hate rats, they nibble my toes while I in pit!” she squealed. Tears streamed down her face. She shivered with delight, which appeared to Wayne Hussey as fear. To Waynes eyes there was a small, mud encrusted girl at the bottom of a body infested pit, screaming in fear at a rat. Like any humane person, the last thing that he wanted was to add any suffering to what had obviously gone before. Not being able to understand Rodys squeaking he didn’t know the truth of the situation, the evilness of the person in front of him, the danger they would be in if she was set free. “Hey Super Rat, why don’t you go and see if Numfy needs any help?” Wayne asked. Rody stood on his hind legs, front paws on hips, shook his head slowly and “tsk”ed. He turned tail and ran back up the trail. Wayne watched him leave. “Right, we’ll have you out of there in no time,” said Wayne, turning back to help. From above it looked more like tears than a glint of evil in her eye.
Posted by Numf El on :
The horde of zealots (remember them?) had realised, after a number of miles, that maybe they’d missed the abomination of whom they had been informed by their number one spy, and exalted leader. They had then turned back, and since the righteous adrenaline had worn off a bit, and the endorphins hadn’t quite kicked in, they decided it might be a good idea to practise some surreuptitious military maneouvering. You know, the not shouting and screaming type. The sneaky stealth stuff. They had forgotten all about their training when the chance had come to clear the world of The Filth, and the righteous bile had filled their systems.
Numf was feeling that muddling with his brain again. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head vigorously. “Hey, what’s the matter with you, Nu…” HQ almost finished asking. “It feels like someone’s playing inside my head,” answered Numf opening his eyes after a few more shakes. The rain forest was dark - it hadn’t been just a second ago. Homecoming Queen was nowhere to be seen. Numf span around, looking in all directions just to make sure. Nope, no-one in sight. Dark in every direction. From the sounds of it the nocturnal wildlife were continuing the cycle of eating, fighting and copulating. Or masturbating if they were particularly ugly.
It also felt like he had a large cold solid lump of chewing gum stuck to his arse. And, my gawd was he hungry.
It was almost as if…
“Oh, hud on a wee minute,” said Numfy. “ You are soooooo gonna get your arse kicked for this, Steal-A-Week-Out-Of-Your-Life Kid.”
Posted by Numf El on :
Numf had made his way back down the trail. It was kinda difficult in the darkness, and Numf kept banging into trees, catching his throat on vines and standing on things that went squeak before their eyes exploded. It was one of the least pleasant things Numf had ever done - and that’s saying something. He passed the spot where he and Wayne had played guitar and sung. He passed the spot where he and Kaant had passed their first sodden night, and Impulse 1 had built them perhaps the best lean-to ever constructed on the face of the earth. There was a certain temptation to use this dry, warm, comfortable spot once more, instead of hurting himself more in the forest, but for a change temptation was resisted. For once, Numfs personal motto - If there’s one thing I can’t resist it’s Temptation - was battled in the name of survival. Numf knew that he couldn’t afford to rest if he was to save his friends from the Zealots who had been on their trail. For all he knew they were all dead already, but he couldn’t afford to think that way. He was a fucking hero after all. Ass was going to be kicked, and for a change it wouldn’t be his.
Posted by Numf El on :
He came across a large puddle in the trail. Thankfully he’d noticed the stars reflected on the surface, or else he would have walked right into it. Sticking out of the far side was what appeared to be the arse-end of a tank. How odd. And what was that floating on the surface? That’s funny, it looked like a bloated corpse in camouflage gear……
Five minutes later, Numf continued on down the trail, bedecked more suitably in non shit-smeared clothing. Of the camouflaged variety. It was a tad on the damp side, and he’d had a hell of a time removing the bloated corpse from inside it in the first place, but that had been helped when his jaw had accidently been twisted off and the decomposed fleshy gases had spewed forth in Numfs face. Thankfully Numf had been brought up in a house where two, if not all three of the boys could have passed wind for not only Scotland, but the United Kingdom as well! Numf was therefore immune to smells like that. And it had shrunk the corpse somewhat. But he drew the line at stealing underwear - so he would just have to go commando.
And then he spotted a discarded rucksack……..
Numf crested the hill and looked down into the valley below. The moon was just rising behind him, flooding the valley in its silvery glow. Beneath him he could make out an entrance into the hill opposite, where the moonlight glinted off the barrel of the rifle held by the guard in the watchtower. That was where he had to go.
He trekked down the trail, and across the valley in plain sight of the guard. There was no time for stealth when the very lives of his compadres may be in the balance. He walked straight up to the electronic mechanism on the gate, and swiped the card he had found through it. The guard in the watchtower above read off the screen on his laptop. “Hey Vasquez!” he shouted. “You ever been mistaken for a man?” “No, have you?” Numf shouted back, echoing a line from his favourite film. Luckily that had been the required response. Peels of laughter echoed down. “Hey Vasquez, we all thought you were dead. Missing for seven days - where you been?” “Shit, you know my sense of direction - I got lost. It’s taken me this long to find my way back!” No lines to steal this time, so he had to bluff it. “Hey, no problem. Hit the showers though, you fuckin’ stink! I can smell you from up here!” “Sorry - Aitkens Diet!” “Okay. Still…..” “Yeah, I know.” With that Numf wandered off in the direction of the cave mouth. “And don’t forget to check in with Major Kaant….”, came floating through the warm night air behind him.
Posted by Numf El on :
Numf had walked deeper and deeper into the cave, avoiding eye contact where possible without appearing to be actively avoiding people. He was lucky that there were so many soldiers around - it wasn’t too tight a command, and Numf passed un-noticed through the cave compound (apart from the occasional olfactory assault). Deep in the heart of the cave Numf heard Kaants voice, screeching.
He had managed to work out a few things about her in the past hour or so. The guards call had been the catalyst. But there were a few other pointers. And one dead giveaway. How had she known that Numf had already used the “Eddies in the space-time continuum” joke before? He certainly hadn’t used it since he had met her. Therefore she must have had prior knowledge of who he was, not to mention his best lines. And not having told Numf this made her a baddie. And he’d worked it out almost all by himself. He’d just needed a kick start. But the full depths of her baddie-ness still eluded him. But not for long.
Posted by Numf El on :
Numf had turned and walked perpendicularly to where the screeching was coming, rather than rushing in and risking his friends’ lives needlessly. He really needed to know what was going on first.
Numf found himself a good vantage point, overlooking a great big cavernous…umm….cave. Down below he could see Homecoming Queen and Wayne Hussey. Trussed up like Xmas turkeys. If he’d been American they might have been trussed up like Thanksgiving turkeys, but, well, he wasn’t. So they weren’t. They were suspended above what appeared to be a large vat. They were suspended upside down above a large vat of a steaming, viscous, orange substance. A vat of boiling marmalade. Surrounded by soldiers.
In front of them a rather small person in perfectly pressed military fatigues stamped her feet and screeched some more. Kaant was going ballistic. “Give me that Numf-El! And give him to me now! Tell me where he is! We shall destroy the line of the Animal Gods forever, and the Banana Splits will be no more!” And she stamped and screeched some more. Luckily for Numf, due to the accoustics of the cave, he couldn’t make out a word she screeched. Lucky only so far that he wouldn’t have understood it.
“Lower them into the vats! They have no further use!” she screeched, and her henchmen started to turn the handles, lowering them inexorably towards the now bubbling orange liquid………
“Squeak.” “Rody - brilliant to see you!” said Numf. “I thought you must have been dead when I didn’t see you trussed up. Oh, I am sooo glad. What can you tell me about what’s going on?” Rody had been around the camp for the last week, but hadn’t managed on his own to free HQ & Wayne - they had been too heavily guarded. However, he had overheard a lot of what had been going on, so knew now the whole purpose of the camp and all concerned. He knew that Numf was in mortal peril. Once this information had been passed on to Numf, (well I suppose I did walk around going “Oh,oh, Jungo, it’s Danger Island next” when I was a kid…) he made the only possible choice. “Well,” he said to Rody, “I guess I’m going to have to trade myself in for them.”
Posted by Numf El on :
“…..now go - you’ve only got ten minutes,” said Numf, turning around and standing up. “Hey Kaant!” he called. “Wha’ you wa’?” she asked, turning to see her nemesis. All the soldiers turned as well, pointing their AK-47s at various parts of Numfs anatomy. Never before had so many deadly weapons been pointed at Numf. Never had Numf gulped so noisily. “Let them go and you can have me in their stead,” promised Numfy. “Why should I, when I can have them AND you?” she asked. “Okay, I can see your point. However, being a pseudo-religious cult, you really can’t help your cause by having the blood of innocents on your hands, now, can you?” argued Numf. “At least let them down until we’ve bargained a bit.” “Wha’ you mean? Haggle over one dumb tart and one has-been old arty-farty rocker? Why should I not just le’ them go? Drop them into marmalade.” “Because if you don’t release them unharmed then I’ll never convert to your side, now, will I? Just think what that would do to your cause.”
Posted by Numf El on :
-----Interlude-------
Sorry to say I'm going offshore on Monday for a few days (weather permitting) so it could be a while before I get the chance to write any more. I hope this last lot will keep you going for a while. N-E
-------End Interlude---------
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
It certainly will Numf! Thanks, and I'll be looking forward to your next batch!
Posted by STU on :
Have a safe trip, Numf! Posted by Numf El on :
Back at the bat cave…… Well, okay, not strictly “The” bat cave. In fact there weren’t even any bats.
Okay, so…Back at the cave. Happy? It doesn’t really have the same ring though, does it?
Anyway.
Two minutes after the last part of the story, Numf-El found himself trussed up like the proverbial Xmas turkey. Though what the moral of that particular proverb was I can’t rightly remember. Probably something along the lines of “Don’t play at fancy semantics with a mad mental short-arsed religious zealot if you don’t want to end up trussed like a Xmas turkey hung upside down over a vat of boiling marmalade.” Hey, that works out quite well, because he was actually hung upside down over a ………. Well, I reckon you can probably guess what he was hung upside down over, can’t you?
Kaant laughed a lot, maniacally, pointing at our three heroes. “You think I fall for that? Playing word games with me? I know you no’ say you join me if I let them down, just tha’ you not join if I don’t.” “Bugger, it was worth a try,” said Numf, swinging lightly. The soldiers laughed a lot too, and pointed their guns. Rather a lot of them, as previously mentioned. “So, that was your great plan, was it?” asked Homecoming Queen, clearly very disappointed. She started to cry, which gave all a very unusual sight of someone with mascara running up their face. “Oh, come on now,” said Wayne, “I’m sure that someone’ll save us.” “Do you really think so?” said HQ, sniffling slightly. And if you’ve ever tried sniffling in an upside down position, you’ll know how uncomfortable that can be. “’Course he bleedin’ well doesn’t, he’s just trying to comfort you…” Numf said, soliciting peels of laughter from Kaant and her army. HQ’s waterworks turned themselves back on. That’s one apology I’m owe Amber when we get out of here, thought Numf, but I don’t want Kaant to think we’ve got any hope of being rescued.
Our heroes were dropping slowly, ever nearer to the bubbling, citrusy sweet liquid. If it had been part of one of those old Batman TV series they would have started off in a close up of Numf – right way up. With hair as short as his, okay, as practically non-existent as his, this wouldn’t have been much of a give-away, as opposed to HQ, whose hair would have looked like it was sticking up. The camera would then have panned away, rotating through 180 degrees to show that our hero was in fact suspended ove…… Oh wait a minute, I’ve told you all that already. Bugger.
“Hey, Kaant, you realise that you’re going to spoil this lovely vat of marmalade, don’t you?” asked Numf, playing for time. “Nobody’ll buy it if they know what’s really in it.” “Oh, damn, won’t they?” laughed Kaant. “You stoopid bastid. You didn’ really think that Paddington Bear was a herbivore, did you? Where you think he get his meat flavoured marmalade?” “But, it’ll look a bit funny won’t it?” asked Wayne, getting into the playing for time game. “I mean, it won’t really look like marmalade after you’ve dunked us in it.” “Shu’ up!” screeched Kaant, “I had enuff of yo’ playing for time. Simple – we label it as made from blood oranges. And quite apt too.”
Posted by Numf El on :
To recap –
Oh, hold on a minute, no-one’s posted since the last story post – so if you need a recap just read the last post.
I think there’s only about 3 or 4 regular readers left here, so why don’t we just get the story finished with, and then we can all go and join the others, whatdya think?
“Hey, Numfy, why are we trussed upside down like Thanksgiving turkeys at, umm, whenever that holiday is, over a huge vat of marmalade, held at gunpoint by a mad chinese girl and her army?” asked Homecoming Queen. “And why does she keep refering to you as an Animal God?” “Well, to answer your last question first, it’s because I’m hung like a stallion,” answered Numf. HQ, Wayne, Kaant and a cast of thousands all burst out laughing. Serious, side-splitting laughter. Guffaws, the lot. Five hundred and ninety-nine, six hund….. Numf hoped that he’d timed it properly. ….red.
creaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! The minnions looked up, their mirth turning to panic in an instant. There was a chuffin’ great cloud of dust, and the roof of the cave fell in. Everyone was killed instantly.
Oh, the humanity!
Nah, bollocks. That isn’t what happened.
The section of the cave underneath which the zealots/minnions stood all a-panic collapsed as described – but until it was hovering a mere seven feet (2.15m) above the floor. A few very tall people got a good crack on the head, and it kinda scuppered the world renowned SSG basketball team for a few years to come. However, everyone else instantly dropped their weapons, and there were a few sets of underwear that needed a damned good cleaning afterwards.
“Nyeeeehhhhh, what’s up doc?” said Bugs, climbing the stepladder to untie our heroes. “Bloody hell, it’s Bugs Bunny!” exclaimed Wayne Hussey. “Bloody hell, it’s Wayne Hussey!” exclaimed Bugs Bunny.
Thpeedy Gonthaleth ran around the minnions rope in hand, rounding them all up in an instant. “Eepaw, eeepaw, Ondolez ondolez eepaw!” shreaked Thpeedy annoyingly. But considering that he saved the day, I think we can let him off this time. It will shortly be told how……. Rody the Super Rat pushed the vats out of the way to lessen the chance of our heroes inadvertently falling into the the boiling, bubbling viscous liquid when untied by Bugs. He then went over and lowered them slowly…… Marvin the Paranoid Martian held the roof steady using his alien gizmos, and then replaced the top of the mountain after which he proclaimed to anyone who would listen that it had all actually been a plot to capture him…….
Numf and Rody met in a great big hug. Rody, being much smaller had to actively nibble Numf to let him go so that he could breathe.
Our heroes all met up after making sure there were no stragglers, and all the guns were dumped into the marmalade.
“So, Numf, how the fuck did you pull that one off?” asked Wayne.
“Well, everyone knows that rats are telepathic, right?” said Numf.
“Nope,” said Wayne, HQ and all the readers in unison.
“Well, they are, take it from me, because if it weren’t for that then we’d all be knee deep in marmalade – the wrong way up!” said Numf. “So, I got Rody to send a telepathic message through the rat network up to Mexico to Speedy here, who got on the ‘phone to Legion HQ, because I reckoned he’d have Bugs’ phone number.”
“Way to go, man! Rock’n’fuckin’roll!” said Wayne.
“I think it was great that it was just the cartoon members of the squad that turned up though, especially considering the SGGs hatred of intelligent, respected animals,” said Numf.
“I still don’t get why she hated you so much though,” said HQ. “I’ll explain all that later,” said Numf.
“Yeah, Numf,” said Bugs, “We’re sorry we took so long, but Marvin insisted on flying his spaceship over Mexico City and waving at the tourists.”
Marvin put his hands together, bowed his head and turned away muttering to himself.
“And the reason,” Bugs continued, “that none of the regulars came along is because they’re all down at Shameless Husseys watching your clone in the pole-dancing contest!”
“Bastard gets all the fun. Anyway, we need to finish this story off quickly, before we run out of space on the internet. So, where’s Kaant?” asked Numf.
Gee, golly gee willickers, she’d managed to escape. Is that a surprise to anyone? Nope, didn’t think so.
“Right, Marvin, we need you to do a few things. First off drop all of these zealots off at the local cop-shop. Secondly, I saw a few beach buggies in one of the smaller rooms back there. Wayne gets one, and I get one. You have to take Wayne, and his buggy, and drop him 300 miles south of Buenos Airies – he’s only got 5 days ‘til his gig there. Okay?”
“Yeah, that sounds superb, Numf. It’s been a pleasure!” Wayne and Numf had a great big hug in front of everyone. They had obviously become firm friends… One, two, three, awwwwwww…… “Next time you’re up near Legion HQ the beers are on me,” said Numf. “And I’ll play you a free solo accoustic set,” promised Wayne.
“Right Marvin, get on with that, then get back here and pick us up…..” started Numf.
“You cunts only like me ‘cos I’ve got transport….” muttered Marvin under his breath.
“…….cos we’ve got to pick up a village load of Zombies,” continued Numf, “and I’ve got a fucking pole dancing contest to win!”
Posted by Numf El on :
Well Boys and Girls, that's the end of this here segment, and by dint of the fact that nae bugger else is writing stories here one has to presume that it's the end of the thread.
So, TTFN, and see you in the other Tag Thread.
K'Numf - El
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
you fashion victim Numf...
you had a whole thread to play with and you go and leave it because the big boys are fickle...
How does it feel to let your adoring fans down like this? Are you proud of yourself? Did you win the pole dancing competition? We need to know these things ....
spik t'yi soon mannie
Kx
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
I think your last segment was too good to waste, Numf! Maybe you can reintroduce Kaant and the others over in the other thread, then? It's gonna be a hell of a lot of fun, I'm sure!
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Wait a minute? Are you telling me there isn't a follow up story with Kaant in the works?
Noooooooooooo!
We, you're adoring fans, demand more!
Posted by Numf El on :
quote:Originally posted by Cobalt Kid: Wait a minute? Are you telling me there isn't a follow up story with Kaant in the works?
Noooooooooooo!
We, you're adoring fans, demand more!
I must admit that I have nothing planned at present, apart from possibly the pole dancing contest, complete with a village full of Zombies (although I don't know yet - I may just leave it all up to your imagination ).
However, Kaant is on the loose in LW and is up for grabs to all and sundry - I do not count myself as sole keeper, she can be added to the list of baddies for general use. I will probably use her more later on myself - I must admit I enjoyed writing her part.
The reason I've stopped is because there's no longer any tagging - if I want to write a Onevision that might be the place for a longer story line like my past two in this thread. Unfortunately that would suggest actually having a plan of action, rather than just the vaguest idea of what the fuck is going on, and very little idea where things are headed. So, we'll have to wait and see........
K'N
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Hmmm... Numf I suppose I'll have to pick a few of the things I've left hanging in the near future. I just haven't had the time for the past few weeks. hopefully we can get this thread restarted especially since it has a completely different style and flavor from the other thread. (does that even make sense?)
Posted by Numf El on :
Latest News - there is a new story with Kaant in it in the works Cobie, but I've got to work out what's going on before any posting.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Considering that Kaant is my favorite LMB character in existence right now (I'm already laughing and all I've done is type the word 'Kaant' ), all I can say is...
All-Fuckin'-Right!!!!
(I've been on a bit of a break from writing too lately, just waiting to get my inspiration back...whenever I sober up )
Posted by Numf El on :
With you there Cobie.
Say with me, in your best mock-cockney accent
OI! Kaaannntt!!
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
So, meanwhile back in Legion World, Sonnie is at this moment participating in his second favourite pass time, yup he's being spanked by a troup of Bavarian lederhosen wearing ... oh hang on, that's his all time favourite, his second favourite just involves the robot of Rupert Everet he has stashed under his bed while he gets the programme glitches properly worked out... but we don't want to go there just yet, trust me gentle reader, we really don't want that posted here!So, okay he's participating in his THIRD favourite thing....
Anyway, Sonnie is blessed with the outrageous ability to condense incredible amounts of information and complex logistics and legislation into rude swear words. It's why the British National health Service pay him so well (**yeah, as IF!!**). Which is why when the thing that the post is tryingto get around to telling actually happens he unleashed a burst of sweary words the like of which shocked even himself!!!
So before we gp down that road as well lets try to remain on track shall we? Please? Oh okay.... so... he's actually doing a nice family picture for Easter to be part of his on going religious iconography body of work and he receives a bizarre telepathic type psychic alert that his big (tho not biggest) Brother, Numf El is in deadly danger!
Knowing his Bro's habits as well as he does Sonnie races to Shameless Hussies, sure that his sibling will be fulfilling his quota of barfly duties. Of course things are never that easy for our intrepid hero as....
[ April 07, 2004, 04:42 AM: Message edited by: Sonnie Bloke ]
Posted by rickshaw1 on :
First time i have seen this. You mean all this time i have been missing out on sexual non-pc, vulgarity, and amusing puns on sexual slang names?
darn
Posted by Numf El on :
'Fraid so, Rick - feel free to join in the fun.
Posted by Abin Quank on :
***Quaalude***
Eddie Tor’s Note (As transcribed by Trixie, because Eddie had to go to the Can, Again!)
At this morning’s story conference, Eddie finally re-appeared. The cause of his (and Phineas’) long absence is still unknown but he did at least acknowledge the unfortunate fact that “Ongoing Adventures of the LMBP” magazine was shut down for an extended period whilst they were away. In fact he has authorized me to publish the following statement:
“Youse guys aint got no right to like scrutinize my like personal life, so da fact that Phineas an’ I decidered ta takes a bits of time off ain’t nobodies else’s like bizniss. Let me just say in response ta dat dere bunch of e-mails I got (okay da one single e-mail I got) I hads some tings ta like take care of and I did dat. An’ just cause Phineas neededs ta do da same ting don’t mean nothin’ at all. So Dere!”
Unfortunately due to Eddie’s long absence we have been unable to publish anything for the last two months. Not that I (being the extremely flexible person that I am) couldn’t have gotten the magazine out by myself but because the printer’s wouldn’t accept my signature on the vouchers.
But anyway, they’re back and we’re back so let the fun begin!
Eddie’s final comment at the conference was “Oh and just cause everyone prolly fergot where we were in the various story arcs, an’ nobody wants ta go back and reread dat crap, an “Our story so far” note will accompany each new post.”
***Quaalude Wears Off***
***Our Story So Far***
In an attempt to prevent the Master-Baiter and his Fishy Hooker Legion from attacking Legion world our hero’s have journeyed thru time and space gathering the Heroes Needed to Defeat this Vile Menace. Ultimately they wound up in Nightcrawlers Home Dimension. Where Nighty, StuRat, Pagan Lass, Stoopid Cat, Cloned Green Pig, and Bast the ancient Pre-Egyptian Goddess of Cats are confronted by Asmodea, Nightcrawler’s sister. She reveals… Okay read it for yourselves…
***Resume Insanity***
“Asmodea, what are you doing here?” the mocking peal of laughter accompanying her mimicry of his question immediately incensed Nighty. But, he held his temper (barely) as he smoothly extricated himself from the pile of bodies and turned to face his younger sister.
“I assume you have some purpose here beyond annoying me?”
“But of course, dear Balshazzar, I’m obviously! here to lead you to the entity you seek.”
“And just who is this entity?” StuRat’s voice cut off Nighty’s reply.
“Why the Master-Baiter, better known here in this dimension as ‘Old Jerky’. He is the object of your silly little quest, isn’t he?”
“Old Jerky?”
“Old Jerky, the second oldest demon in the realm. The only one older is his spouse, ‘Old Headache’ who I suppose is the reason he’s called ‘Old Jerky’.”
“Something tells me there’s a really bad joke in there somewhere…” Stoopid Cat’s sarcastic comment cut the conversation off short but he was too late.
Nighty and StuRat both felt the magical vibrations at the same time, Bast and Pagan Lass felt the same thing a split second later, Cloned Green Pig groaned, and Asmodea, otherwise known as “Cute Lil Devil” laughed in a musically maniacal fashion…
“It’s happened, and now there’s nothing you can do about it,” she said with a devilish smirk on her face, “A recurring theme has been created. Your silly little quest is doomed! Between the power of “Old Jerky” and the non-stop self-satisfaction jokes that will pop up to impede your progress, it’s hopeless!”
And in a flash of fire and brimstone with a curiously sensual smile on her face, she shoved her hand down her pants, moaned, and disappeared.
Nighty's Sister Asmodea
Posted by Pagan Lass on :
SHAMELESSHUSSIES!
***Our Story So Far***
During a quiet evening out at the popular Legion World nightclub “Shameless Hussies” Abin Quank and Numf-El manage to not quite innocently piss off Pagan Lass and are magically transformed into a pair of overweight and ugly strippers named Roseanne and Rosie. Meanwhile Cobalt Kid and Invisible Brainiac are seduced by a pair of newcomers to Legion World named Trailer-Trash Barbie and Fun-Time Skipper. Dusty Baker’s arrival on the scene reveals the pair to be time lost sisters who possess some rather strange abilities. However before anyone can figure out what is going on they are attacked by the cheesy super-villain rip-off Jugzernaught.
***Resume Insanity***
“Whoever you little twerps are, you will be the first to fall before the might of JUGZERNAUGHT!”
Dusty hit the wall hard, upside down, and confused. But it takes more than a being possessed of the power of the “Crimson Pierced Klittytoris” to put down a man who drives a little blue school bus for a living. Pulling out his trusty “Louisville Slugger” (and grabbing a nearby baseball bat, left laying around as part of an old running gag, just in case you know) he hurled himself back into the fray.
But, before he could get back across the room, (Look have you ever tried running with your pants around your ankles, a baseball bat in one hand and your trusty Louisville Slugger in the other? You feel good about it, but you don’t go very fast) the Jugzernaught struck again.
Cobalt Kid has prided himself on being a hero’s hero and the biggest ladies man on Legion World for years, but influenced and beguiled by Trailer Trash Barbie’s “Animal Magnetism,” he was just a little slow to respond to the threat. Before he knew what was happening a hand the size of his ego snatched him up and shoved him into a place the sun rarely shines. (And when the sun does shine there, well, trust me; you don’t want to be in the vicinity.)
“Go ahead, little magnetic stud boy, use your powers… I think I’d enjoy that,” the monstrous being smirked as she began to stalk her next victim. “The Crimson Pierced Klittytoris will keep you quiet.”
Invisible Brainiac scrambled away from the girl who he’d been eagerly courting just a few seconds earlier, while desperately hoping that she had not been part of a setup to trap the LMBP (and that she’d earned the ‘Fun Time’ moniker in the way he’d imagined). He quickly turned himself invisible. Instantly his intelligence increased from slightly above average to a level of sheer super intelligent nerdiness that only Dr. One could match. The evil nefarious plan against the LMBP was instantly obvious to him; this was the start of the…
Posted by Harbinger on :
...week.
The recurring menace and scurge of the (Legion) World.
Monday!!
Therefore, as everone who had ever held down a regular job understood, things could only get worse before they got better!
Thankfully...
[ April 26, 2004, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: Harbinger ]
Posted by Abin Quank on :
“Noooooo!!!!”
Nighty’s anguished scream split the darkness as the world began to morph around them.
Suddenly, every bad masturbation joke ever written, told or serially fantasized about came to life around them.
Hairy palm trees gripped their own shafts and sent fountains of coconut milk spraying in the air. Pages ripped from magazines fluttered out of the sky, sticky centerfolds from Playboy, Playgirl, National Geographic, and yes even Popular Mechanics landed face down around them with loud wet splats. Somewhere off in the distance a middle aged woman’s voice could be heard screeching “You’ll ruin your eyesight you nasty little Demon… Just you wait until your father gets home… Balshazzar!!”
“Quickly… we must get away from the center…” Nighty’s voice conveyed urgency. He began scrambling away from the clearing, running on all fours, catlike, moving with an agility that only Stoopid Cat could match, alternately sprinting ahead and exhorting his comrades to keep up.
Ultimately it was of no use. Pagan Lass was the first to fall, giggling helplessly at the sight of a teenage demon girl pressing herself tightly against a washing machine in permanent spin cycle, she falls victim to a passing dildo bird’s payload. StuRat tripped over the prone form of an exhausted demon and was trapped in the sticky pages of the National Geographic’s Annual Pygmy Issue. Cloned Green Pig carried Bast into a barnyard filled with strutting peacocks and slinking birds of paradise. The battle is short but one sided; covered with feathers and goo they fall moaning in the mud.
Within seconds only Nighty and Stoopid Cat were free and un-aroused.
“Damm Nighty, Now I know why you skedaddled out of this place…”
“Keep Moving SC!!!! We have to reach the elder’s area before we’ll be safe…”
“Why the elders area?”
“They can only go through the motions! It’s just as funny to watch but you can’t get shot like you can here!”
[ April 26, 2004, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Monday smiled as he watched Rosseane and Rosie try to pull Cobalt out of the place that no sun should ever shine.
Turning to watch Dusty Baker square off with the Jugznernaut, he didn't realize that another LMBer with a temper had arrived on the scene! It was none other than...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
Sorry guys but I just can't let this thread die...
So...
There are times when even the most heroic of heroes, which Nightcrawler is and Stupid Cat isn't, must choose the better (and bitter) part of valor.
The shimmering veil of the elders area taunted the two remaining LMBPers as they sprinted for the dubious safety it offered. If only they could reach it unmarked by the furious self-immolation which surrounded them. If only...
Just a scant five yards from their goal stood the final obstacle, the one trap that Nighty knew he couldn't resist, a twice life-sised blow-up of the famous Burt Reynolds Playgirl Centerfold.
Fortunately, Stoopid Cat was close enough that he could reach out and grab a piece of tail. Closing his eyes (and giving a silent moan of relief) he allowed himself to be dragged the last few paces to Nirvana (thats the name of the elders area you bunch of pervs) by the suddenly yowling and wildly struggling cat.
As they broke the plane of Nirvana he let go of SC's tail and rolled away from the furious feline's assault.
"That friggin hurt you blue furred moron! What the hell was that all about?"
"Sorry. SC, I just needed to close my eyes for a second there, or else..."
"Hee-Hee! That was pretty funny," cackled an unfamiliar voice...
Posted by UTS on :
It was Stoopid Cat's good twin, Smart Cat!
Posted by Numf El on :
Two months later nothing interesting had happened.
"I know," said Numf to anybody that wanted to listen, " why don't we go on an adventure somewhere? We could go looking for some buried treasure, or the E-lickser of Life. Oooh, now that sounds like fun. Who wants to come along?"
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
Sonnie Boy happened to be passing (though what he was passing will have to remain a secret - for medical reasons and this should try to remain child friendly -ish ) and overheard Numf chattering away to himself...
"Hey Numf, you talking to yourself? I know it isn't your imaginary friend you're speaking to as he committed suicide didn't he... so are you bored or something?"
Sonnie stops to scratch his magnifent mane of dyed blond hair as Numf finishes slurping his beer...
Sonnie continues:
"I'm a bit bored too y'know so how about we try to resolve that Great Last Unsolved Mystery? That should be fun."
Numf sighed and said "But I don't want the secret of the addictive properties of Rowies to ever be explained...it'll ruin the pleasure I'm shoor...."
"No, not that one, The Great Last Unsolved Mystery I mean is none othr than......
<<<<that's YOUR cue to write something now!> Where would you like to send Numf and Sonnie to? And of course whoever else yu can be arsed roping into this story... >>>>
Posted by Miss Terious on :
Whatever happened to the Super Ron Jeremy... of Space!?!?
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
It's already been established that Numf inherited a trunk from one of his many fathers DNA - probably one of the banana splits so he probably qualifies, and as I'm his brother (really!!) I'd rather not explore that option... iccckkkk!. Though if it's not Numf then I'm always up for some voyerism... I mean adventures...
[ August 06, 2004, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: Sonnie Bloke ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...is none other than the one about everyone unable to ever have sex again when that bomb hits Legion World."
"What?!" said Numf quickly.
"Yeah, you remember! It was launched months ago! What ever happened to it?"
"Sonnie, hold on! We never stopped it? It's supposed to hit...um...let me see...times two...carry the four...HOLY SHIT! It's supposed to hit today!"
"Shit!" said Sonnie. "Well? What are we waiting for?! Let's go get...
Posted by Sonnie Bloke on :
"LAID!!"
<sorry, that kind of kills the story a bit.... aside, can you kill something "a bit"? >
"but" said Cobalt earnestly " you only have approximately 14 minutes before the bomb hits"
"Damn! It'll take me that long to get to sHAKES, we'll have to deal with this ourselves... Come on gang! Who's with me?"
[ August 06, 2004, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Sonnie Bloke ]
Posted by Miss Terious on :
quote:Originally posted by Sonnie Bloke: It's already been established that Numf inherited a trunk from one of his many fathers DNA - probably one of the banana splits so he probably qualifies, and as I'm his brother (really!!) I'd rather not explore that option... iccckkkk!. Though if it's not Numf then I'm always up for some voyerism... I mean adventures...
A trunk, you say? Wow - impressed to my core. Posted by Numf El on :
"Yeah, a trunk. It was the one that they kept all their spare hats and stuff in," said Numf. "But we've only got 14 minutes to save the earth....."
Flash!!!........
Posted by Miss Terious on :
I foresee success but at a horrible price Posted by Numf El on :
"I've got £4.50 in my sporran if that'll help? I was saving up for a crate of Tennents Lager, but if it's going to help save the world then I'll gladly hand it over," said Numf.
"See, I told you he was a daft bastard," said Sonnie.
"So, where's Domestos Gordon when we need him to save the world?" asked Numf.
"That's Flash," added Miss Terious.
"Well, you're better with domestic cleaning products than I am," said Numf, milliseconds before receiving his well earned clip round the lug'ole.
Posted by Miss Terious on :
"No, you well-hung lummox! In my vision I saw that the only way to divert the bomb's attack on Legion World is for someone to manipulate the bomb's large side-mounted lever.
It will require intense personal muscular control to maneuver such a large lever.
Who's up for the challenge?," asks Miss Terious Posted by Numf El on :
“Let me come with you. I’ll give you a hand – at least I’ll help you if you need me to. I’d heard that you’re the expert lever puller around here. And it’s been said that you’re not adverse to giving it a right good tug if it’s hard,” said Numf. “That’s right, isn’t it Cobie?”
Cobie blushed. He had forgotten that Numf doesn’t understand single, let alone double entendres.
Posted by Miss Terious on :
We'll take my ship! Though it's a 2-seater, it's the fastest ship available! With Sonnie piloting, I alternate sitting on the laps of both Cobie and Numf - all the while flexing my muscles for the task at hand!
There is a somber tone aboard the ship. If we fail, Legion World becomes sterile but the bomb's unique radiation could still mutate us - new powers or gross defects - too many factors to calculate!
"Look, everyone, I see the sex bomb" says Miss T! Posted by Abin Quank on :
**Quaalude**
Elsewhere in the space/time continuum Eddie Tor looks down from on high and smiles. His attention had been drawn elsewhere (a different elsewhere, not the elsewhere he currently occupies) for the past few months as he struggled mightily with strange and bizarre concepts that had invaded his personal version of reality. But now, just as it seemed that those concepts have been brought under control (or at least held at bay temporarily) a new batch of story threads have appeared in the “On-Going Adventures of the LMBP” (well, okay. One new story thread but he has new hope) the smile broadens and deepens as his intercom lights begin flashing.
“Trixie, pull up yer panties and gets yer woithless butt in here! We gots woik ta do!”
**Quaalude Wears Off**
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Sonnie looked at his omni-com and saw that two LMBers, the Green Lantern Abin Quank and the Emerald Empress were already on the scene.
Using his power ring, Abin quickly attempted to hurl the sex-bomb into the atmosphere! "We'll send to some nasty alien's planet!" he said matter-of-factly.
"Not today LMBers!" yelled a voice! "You'll have to go through us first!"
Abin and EE turned to see none other than...
Posted by Abin Quank on :
The Original Statue of Cobalt Kid!!! And behind that living statue are arrayed a veritible multitude of LMBP Enemies, such as Climacticus, Vaginimus, Anti-Lad, Giant Robotic Lesbian, Dr. Pornus, and on and on and on...
Abin makes a wry face and mutters to EE "This is gonna be sooooo much fun..."
Meanwhile back at the LMBP Ranch...
[ August 10, 2004, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
...Stoopid Cat and Fat Cramer were having fun putting shaving cream on Invisible Brainiac's hand and then tickling his face with a feather.
Suddenly, the LMB Code Red alarm went off!
"Should we answer that SC?" said Fat Cramer.
"Feh. Let the humans take care of it, sis. They always seem to get be so uptight anyway..."
"I don't think so my friends," said a weary voice. The two felines looked to see...Lightning Lad!
"I've got bad news," said LL. "It's Saturn Girl. She's gone evil! She and another LMB have joined the bad guys..."
"Which one?!" said Fat Cramer, going into Satan Claws mode.
LL looked up and replied, "None other than..."
Posted by Miss Terious on :
I'm confused. What happened to me, Numf, Cobie, and Sonnie in the rocket ship? Posted by Abin Quank on :
**Quaalude**
Eddie Tor, sensing Miss T's confusion decides to set things right...
Trixie, get dat new writer, Miss Terious on da phone and explin da rules o dis tread ta her.
Foist off, dis tread is a multiplicity of stories tread. just cause seberal tings semms ta be happining all kinda at once don't mean dat wat was happenin before has stopped happinin, it just means dat it's happenin behind da scenes now an ya jes needs ta write da new scenes ta bring it back to da front.
Issat all clearer now lil' Missy?
**Quaalude Wears Off**
[ August 14, 2004, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Abin Quank ]
Posted by Numf El on :
LL looked up and replied, "None other than our Chief of Security - Cobalt Kid!!""
Fat Cramers bottom jaw dropped in surprise. Stoopid Cat let out a long, forced, gag-worthy, squeaky fart.
"As if!" said Scat Cat, Stoopids litter mate, who had a very bad habit of forgetting where the cat litter was located.
Posted by Numf El on :
"No, seriously - Sonnie, Numf and Miss Terious are in grave danger!" said LL.
"Nah - don't believe you. Not Cobie," said Stoopid Cat.
"Well, not the real one of course," confirmed LL, "because we just found the real one in a broom cupboard, sucking on a drug filled orange, tied and bound, wearing only womans underwear, and a broom handle inserted up his ass."
"Yeah, so just leave him to get on with it then!" said Scat Cat. "Each to their own. Respect the fact that he's just doing his own thing, you know?"
"Yeah, I agree," said Stoopid, "but then who's that whose dick is being bounced up and down on by Miss Terious?"
"Well," said LL, "we believe it's actually none other than....."
Posted by Miss Terious on :
...Kent Shakespeare!
Noticing that everyone looked dumbfounded by her outburst, Miss Terious explains,
"Cobie, your lap ladder feels very un-Cobie like."
(grinding furiously to be sure)
"But it does remind me of Legion Worlder, Kent Shakespeare! He has directed me in several External Affairs (tm) and I'm sure I'd recognize his crotch rocket anywhere!"
The ship lurches forward uncontrollably: "Keep it together, Sonnie!"
Kent Shakespeare's distorter malfunctions and the Cobalt Kid ruse is revealed.
All eyes are on Kent Shakespeare as Miss Terious asks:
"Where's the real Cobalt Kid and what did you plan to do to..." Posted by Miss Tricks on :
Miss T. wakes up, everything that has transpired since her first post in this thread has been a dream. A fatal premonition for all of Legion World.
Immediately, she begins dressing. I must locate Cobalt Kid and Kent and find out what this all means.
If what I foresaw is true, then the fate of Legion World rests in the hands of...
Posted by Pov on :
quote:Originally posted by Miss Tricks: Immediately, she begins dressing.
AAAAAW!!!
( ) Posted by Abin Quank on :
If what I foresaw is true, then the fate of Legion World rests in the hands of...
KoKo and Jinx!
Flustered by the sheer enormity of her latest dream (as well as the premonition of impending disaster that appeared as commercials within that dream) she is about to go out the door of her Large Southern Mansion, when she realizes that she's put her SHAKES Thong on outside of her Skin tight silver bodysuit.
"Oh, you doomed old woman, you! This will never do..." She mutters to herself, realizing that if she is seen in public in such a condition, all the Kewl Kids down at Legion World High School and Community College will immediately follow her lead and begin wearing their "Unmentionables" on the outside, (and that a good number of them don't have either the Body, or the proper unmentionables, fo' such a daring fashion stunt!)
She quickly ducks back into the Large Southern Mansion and runs (in a proper Mistress of a Large Southern Mansion lady-like fashion) up the three flights of stairs to her smaller dressing room. Once there she begins to dress in a more appropriate fashion for her upcoming meeting (and Grand Revelation) only to find...
Posted by Miss Tricks on :
[interlude]
Pov ~
Abin ~
[/interlude]
Posted by Faraway Lad on :
meanwhile back at (well where ever because I cant be bothered to re read the entire thread)
KoKo is sitting at an open window indulging in his favorite pastime.
"Koko" said a stern, imperious voice, "stop throwing monkey faeces out of the window and trying to hit Cobalt Kids statue, come I have need of you and Jinx, the time is near, the doom you were put on this messge board to fulfill is nigh"
"koko?" said koko sorrowfully "Koko koko, KOko koKo ko ko koko" and with a forlorn last toss at Cobalts Statue he turned and held out his hand to the shadowy figure.
"It is for the best little one, come"
and there is a flash of light and the two disappear.
from within a discarded pile of monkey poop a voice says,
"OH my Goddess, so thats who is behind all this, I must warn the LMBP" and from out of the pile of poop steps.......
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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) ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
*
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Anyway...![[angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
) anything. She can feel it. Invading her mind. She tries to fight back, using her strong will, developed from years of teaching hard-headed kids. It's her mind, her rules. But sadly, it doesn't work that day. ![[devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
![[Dreamer]](graemlins/Dreamer.gif)
Whatever happened to the Super Ron Jeremy... of Space!?!? ![[Super-Moby Dick of Space]](graemlins/SuperMobyDick.gif)
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