I'll come out of seclusion just for a bit this evening to repost this, since there seems to be so much interest, and also since, like EDE, this tag-team thread was my first plunge into the waters of the LMB. All I have to say is that it was an incredible experience.
MLLASH Member July 10, 2002 05:34 PM
Leap Year Lass smiled at her reflection in the mirror. She was dressed to the 9's and her combination Allysa Milano-Allyson Hannigan look was sure to make her date's heart skip a beat!
*BREEEP!*
Her date had arrived. She sashayed to the entryway and opened it to find......
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Greybird Member July 10, 2002 05:56 PM
... not her date, after all, but a man dressed like some agent in an old flattie film from the 21st that she'd seen on HoloVision Channel 23290 the other night.
He was dressed head to toe in black, just like that guy. Held up a little wand like him, too. Neutralizer? Neuralizer? -- whatEVER.
"You know too much about our infiltration of the Legionnaires," he said. "We have to do this to protect you, and our operatives as well. Sorry." A flash hit her eyes.
And suddenly she found herself in ...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 10, 2002 08:08 PM
...limbo, which was the WHITEST place she had ever seen.
Alongside her was a hunky dude with specs. "So, ahhh... what's YOUR name?" she asked, half-interested.
"Shakespeare. KENT Shakespeare." he answered. "What are YOU in for?"
"I'm in for a lot of dull Saturday nights from the looks of THIS place!" she responded.
The specs-wearing stranger frowned disapprovingly.
Meanwhile, back at LMB HQ, Cobalt Kid was arriving from a night on the town with Princess No-Protection. When they entered the building, they were shocked to find........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Blockade Boy Member July 10, 2002 10:39 PM
...that their three-some with Leap-Year Lass was obviously off. The room was black and white with sudden shades of grey.
A man, dressed head to toe in black carrying a little wand Neutralizer? Neuralizer? -- whatEVER was talking in monotone to a crowd not there.
Unknown to the Princess, Cobalt Kid flashed a secret hand signal. The man reacted with a wink and removed his mask to reveal Color Kid. From behind, Rainbow Girl entered.
Confused, dazed, the Princess felt she was coming out...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 10, 2002 11:08 PM
... of her costume, which she partially WAS doing thanks to the drunken groping of Cobalt Kid.
He managed to sputter out an inebriated yelp of surprise at the arrival of Color Kid and Rainbow Girl, but all heads in the room turned when The Boy With Ultra Powers burst in and exclaimed....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Leap Year Lass Member July 10, 2002 11:11 PM
<>
SLANDER!
I DO NOT EITHER play three-handed Pinochle. It is the WORST card game on THIS OR ANY OTHER planet.
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Faraway Lad Member July 11, 2002 05:59 AM
Hold ON a moment, I am the Leader HERE !!!!!!! and if there IS going TO be ANY party I want to BE inVited!!!!!!
The man in black looked at him and raising the Nutralizer, nuralizer, whatEVER, flashed the Boy with Ultra Powers.
"My my" said Rainbow Girl, "Thats an impressive.......... weapon. Wonder what it does"
"well my dear shall I show you" said Colour Kid
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 12, 2002 01:15 PM
But before he could, the universe imploded!
Posted by Kid Prime on :
lancesrealm Member July 12, 2002 01:25 PM
...or so it seemed. Princess No-Protection looked up to see a light....dimming...like a lid closing. Then there came the sound of much water suddenly in motion.
Colour Kid screamed "I've been here before! We're trapped in the Time Trapper's giant Toilet of Doom! The Commode of Chaos! The Bidet of Bedlam!"
"Didn't the Royal Flush gang used to hand out here?" queried Cobalt Kid.
Just then, there came a voice in the distance...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Quislet Member July 12, 2002 07:22 PM
"Yes! No! Maybe! I don't know! Could you repeat the question?"
All eyes turned towards the mysterious voice. In the doorway was the shilouette of......
Posted by Kid Prime on :
StuRat Member July 12, 2002 07:30 PM
An obscure 21st century child actor by the name of Frankie Muniz. He was best remembered for having eyes that were just a tad too far apart, not unlike Antonio Banderas and Uma Thurman.
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 12, 2002 07:38 PM
...a mysterious figure, unknown to all present.
Meanwhile, Colour Kid thought to himself, "There's a door in the Toilet of Doom?! That would have been really nice to know last time I was here. Sure beats any of the other ways of getting out."
Meanwhile, back in limbo...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 12, 2002 11:42 PM
...Leap Year Lass and Kent Shakespeare gave into the intense boredom and their pure animalistic instincts.
They had started a game of pinochle with the deck of cards LYL had been holding when she answered her door.
"SIGH", she sighed sighingly.
"What's wrong, ma'am?" Kent asked, not sure of what to say after being in limbo since 1994's reboot.
Leap Year Lass responded....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
BradPitt's Sexier Brother Member July 13, 2002 02:14 AM
'It's Vi and Ayla looking for a third. Ever since I gave into my curiosity and took that weekend trip to the sapphic pleasure camp with them, they've been calling for me every Friday night.'
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Greybird Member July 13, 2002 06:07 AM
::Something strange is afoot,:: Kent thought. ::We've been working on my project for weeks. Could it be that the sistren of the Legion have uncovered ...
... the project to create a LEGION OF SUPER-SEX-TOYS?????::
::And what about my suspicion that Lardlad is a Man In Black?:: he suspected.
But then, Leap Year Lass fell onto the bed, moaning deliciously, and saying, "I know, Kent, I know. You see, we female Legionnaires have been conspiring to ..."
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Faraway Lad Member July 13, 2002 08:54 AM
Slowly take over the LMB and one by one expel the boy members. Our leader the one known only as the one, has made an arrangement with the Time Mouse Trapper to hold tham all in his toilet of doom. Once we have captured the last few remaining LMB'ers at liberty, then we shall flush them out of existence.
"but why are you telling e this now" asked Kent Shakespear. "firstly i'm not even a member of the LMB, and secondly I'm stuck in limbo"
"it is precisly because you are stuck in Limbo and can thus do nothing, that I am free to tell you this" Trilled LYL.
Meanwhile back in the Hootchie hut, Beagle boy and Faraway were finishing a quick silverale. As Beagle turned to put his class down his arm was jostled by a figure.
"hey watch it dude" Beagle said, "you nearly spilled it"
"whats that" said Faraway (actually what he really said was "hic, wazzz the F&*k izzz Hic, that" but for ease of story telling its a lot easier to use this omicoms built in inebriated conversation translation circuit)
Looking down at the bar the two saw...........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Igee Member July 13, 2002 03:54 PM
you guys are a riot! here's hoping on-topic angel doesn't spank youse! keep it up...! >snicker
Posted by Kid Prime on :
On-Topic Angel Member July 13, 2002 04:21 PM
<>
I'm pretty sure you're thinking of someone else.
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 13, 2002 06:35 PM
<>
How did a BED get in limbo, and why is LYL hurling herself upon it in front of Kent? OH!!! Never mind...
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Quislet Member July 13, 2002 06:47 PM
Looking down at the bar the two saw...........
A crocodile, a mule, and a 400 pound Gorilla.
Realizing that this could turn into a bad joke, Beagle Boy and Faraway shook their heads and the alcholic illusion faded away. "Holy Spok!" exclaimed Beagle Boy, "we're missing the or..er.. pinochle party at Leap Year Lass'!"
Racing out of the Hootchie Hut the intrepid pair failed to notice ....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 13, 2002 07:32 PM
Racing out of the Hootchie Hut the intrepid pair failed to notice...
The bed that suddenly appeared in front of them. They tripped and rolled over it to the other side.
"Strange," Beagle Boy thought. "Why is there a bed in the middle of the parking lot?"
"Strange," Faraway Lad thought. "Why is MY bed in the middle of the parking lot?"
Meanwhile, in the Toilet of Doom, the mysterious Frankie Muniz (still unknown to our heroes) spoke again
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member July 13, 2002 07:58 PM
..."could you guys PLEASE give me some PRIVACY? I've gotta...you know." At this he seemed to walk uncomfortably and grab his butt.
"Gotta what?" Cobalt said confused. "Molest yourself?"
"No, dammit," Frankie said, now in more discomfort, "I've gotta take a sh---"
But before he could finish and make this an R-rated thread, the assembled, imprisoned assortment of characters felt the waters stir.
"Oh, no," Colour Kid said, "we're gonna get flushed! Hold on!"
Elsewhere, the mysterious, darkly clad gentleman who seemed out of some bad ancient earth sci-fi parody appeared in front of Grey Birdboy suddenly. The man removed his dark sunglasses.
Smugly, Grey said, "Ah-HA! So you ARE the one...figures you'd wear black to make you look thi--"
But the other interrupted and said, "you know too much...or at least you used to." Then he held up that nebulizer, neuromancer, whatEVER and flashed it at Grey before Grey could react. In Grey's hazy state the strange man made this suggestion: "and by the way, from now on, Bounty will be your favorite character...ha-ha-HAAAAA!" Then, the man vanished.
When Grey snapped out of it, he was muttering, "must find fly and...pull wings off..."
Meanwhile the toilet-captive fellas found themselves unable to resist the pull of the whirlpool. For long, scary moments, they thought they would drown. But suddenly, they found themselves falling in a bright, sunlit area. After nursing sore bums for a moment, they were shocked to see........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Quislet Member July 13, 2002 08:28 PM
they were shocked to see....
Faraway and Beagle Boy going at it, hot and heavy in a bed in the middle of the parking lot. Both later claimed that they were drunk and did not remember anything.
Meanwhile, Leap Year Lass discovered the door in Kent Shakespeare's head.
Emerging from the Hootchie Hut was none other that Non-Sequitor. "Iceberg!" cried out Non-Sequitor. The assembled assemblage turned and waved. Rainbow Girl thought to herself "All we need now if Plot Devise Kid!"
Elsewhere, the mysterious, darkly clad gentleman who seemed out of some bad ancient earth sci-fi parody smiled and said to no one in particular "who shall I mess with next? I know! I'll . . .
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 14, 2002 12:57 AM
"Who shall I mess with next? I know! I'll have a little fun with..."
But before he can complete his sentence, a large bed falls out of the sky on top of him.
A female walks over to his unconscious body, takes the neck-romancer, naveldancer, whatEVER out of his hand.
"The one called the one has need of this," she says.
Meanwhile, the Boy With Ultra Powers looks grim as Beagle Boy and Faraway Lad tell him of how the bed just appeared out of nowhere. This reminds of the time that...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
StuRat Member July 14, 2002 01:16 AM
"...the Legion was at band camp? And Imra stuck her flute up her--"
But before the sentence could be finished, an angry, wet, and very naked Emerald Empress appears in the doorway, screaming, "Where the hell is OMEGA MAN???"
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Current interjection from Kid Prime: This was the pivotal moment of typo brilliance which carried the rest of the story into GENIUS.
watcher Member July 14, 2002 06:05 PM
A cloud of electrical energy appeared in the centre of the parking lot with Live Wire emerging from it's centre.
"Omega Man? I think he's France" Garth said.
Then he turned back towards the energy cloud and...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Quislet Member July 15, 2002 07:31 PM
Then he turned back towards the energy cloud and...
apologized for dying yet again before vanishing.
Meanwhile, Leap Year Lass was rumaging around in Kent Shakespeare's head, thinking that this is kind of like that John Malkovitch holovid. Suddenly she finds another nuro.. nero.. neutino.. whatever. She fires a beam through Kent's eyes.
Non-Sequitor finished delousing the statutes on Shangra-la.
All the secret plots were going as planned except for the mysterious, darkly clad gentleman who seemed out of some bad ancient earth sci-fi parody's secret plot which had previously been foiled before by of all things a bed.
"Oh that wasn't what I expected!" Leap Year Lass unexpectedly gasped. Changing into her sensible Nancy Drew outfit of blouse and poodle skirt with flat heel loafers, the plucky once-every-four-years daredoll began to examine this unexpected development. What she found was....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Faraway Lad Member July 16, 2002 05:17 AM
.........Totally disgusting.
"urghhhhhh" she said "its a good job i'm wearing these long evening gloves, or else i would definitely not be able to touch THAT!!! "
Meanwhile back at the parking lot.
Beagle Boy turned to Faraway and said "did Livewire just say Omega Man WAS France?"
Faraway just turned over in bed, pulling all the bed clothes with him, and snored loudly, like all men do post coitus.
Beagle reached over and tapped on his omincom. "Lardlad, Lashlad and Newcru can you get over to the parking lot i think i have an idea as to what is going on here" he said.
"Oh do you my fast one" said a dark voice behind him.
Turning around Beagle only had time to see a man dressed all in black before the man raised a nutralizer, nuralizer, whatEVER, and flashed him. Beagle looked down shocked and as he looked up the NN W fired and Beagle passed out.
As Newcru and LashLad arrived in the parking lot they were too late to prevent the man in black teleporting out of the lot with an unconcious Beagle over his shoulder.
"Dammn we were too late" said Lash " i wonder where they have gone" .........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
lancesrealm Member July 16, 2002 12:58 PM
...the darkly clad man lands in limbo and none-too-gently deposited Beagle at the feet of a heavily perspiring Leap Lear Lass.
LYL took a step back. "Who the sprock are you?!?"
"Who I am is not important. Who you are is what is important. You and this drunken lout are destined to create the perfect servant form my master."
"Your master...?"
"You should know...you only recently escaped the porcelain cell in which you were supposed to remain..."
"No! Your master is th..."
"Yes...I serve the Mighty Tid-D Bowl Man, who is the greatest Trapper Crapper Keeper of all time..."
Just then...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 16, 2002 01:51 PM
Just then he notice the bed that LYL had earlier been cavorting on. "Strange," he thought. "Why is there a bed in limbo?"
Then he recalled that his master's greatest enemy, the one called the one, had a servant with bed-projection powers. Could she have been here? Could perhaps the Legionnaire called Leap Year Lass be in cahoots with his master's enemy? This could change the situation dramatically.
Leap-Year Lass noticed him looking at the bed. It was imperative that neither the boy Legionnaires or the Time Trapper's Men in Dark Suits learn the secret of their plan to take over the Legion.
In order to distract the darkly clad man, she...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Another current interjection by Kid Prime: This was the post in which LYL gained her pulling-out-of-ass powers which were later retconned out of existence.
LARDLAD Member July 17, 2002 01:00 AM
...pulled a rabbit out of his ass!
"OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!" the darkly-clad gentleman screamed, then 'ported away.
"That oughta buy us a little time!" said LYL smiling.
"Damn!" Beagz exclaimed. "I didn't know you could do that!"
"Yeah, it's one of my hidden powers---to pull foreign objects out of people's asses! He messes with me again, and I'll pull a weed-whacker out!"
"Anyway," Beagz changed the subject, suddenly feeling uncomfortable, "that guy seemed strangely familiar. I also feel like I'm forgetting something about him."
"Oh for crying out loud", Leapy exclaimed, "...it was Lardlad! Isn't it obvious? There've been all kinds of hints interspersed throughout this crazy story! Haven't you been paying attention?"
Beagz was perplexed. He had no idea what LYL's talking about. "Lardy? But he's one of the good guys!"
"Not any more apparently!" she said. "But so far there haven't been any hints about why he's apparently on the wrong side. Maybe the next poster can shed some light on this."
And Leapy turns toward the computer screen of the next poster and says, "Well, smartass...what's the deal with the 'Lardy in black'?"
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 17, 2002 01:07 AM
"DARK LARDLAD MUST DIE!" Shadowplay in Candlelight shrilly shrieked as she arrived on the scene.
"WHAT???" everyone replied in dumbfounded unison.
"Uh, I meant, DIET. DARK LARDLAD MUST DIET!!"
But before she could explain why, earth's moon was destroyed by....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 17, 2002 01:16 AM
But before she could explain why, earth's moon was destroyed by prayer rockets fired by Rainbow Girl.
But this wasn't important because...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 17, 2002 01:19 AM
...the Emerald Empress was STILL naked!
As chunks of the moon began to hurl towards the planet, the clothes-less Empress....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Yet another current interjection by Kid Prime: This evening's back-and-forth between MLLASH and EDE was the tag-team equivalent of Claremont and Byrne. Priceless. Don't believe me? Read on, true believer!
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 17, 2002 01:28 AM
...transported everyone to France, in search of the missing Omega Man.
Far away, Grey Birdboy had finally found the fly he had been looking for.
And in the lair of the one called the one...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 17, 2002 01:31 AM
...the mysterious one died a horrible death when a huge chunk of the moon decimated the place!!! He was rarely heard from again!
Meanwhile, in OMEGA MAN aka France...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 17, 2002 01:34 AM
Cobalt Kid says to Color Kid, "Hey, wait a minute... I just reread the earlier posts! Aren't you one of those Men in Dark Suits fellas who work for that Trapper dude! That's how you know so much about the Toilet of Doom, isn't it?"
As he spoke, a large chunk of the moon...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 17, 2002 01:39 AM
...was pulled out of Color Kid's ass by Leap-Year Lass, killing him.
"That traitorous Rainbow Girl is NEXT!" she bellowed in her berserker rage! "I've got something REALLLLY good lined up to pull out of HER luna-levelling ass!"
Suddenly, inexplicably, for no reason whatsoever, Eryk Davis Esther and The Polecat appeared on a bed in front of the assemblage.
"STOP!" Eryk bellowed. "Leap Year Lass must NOT harm Rainbow Girl because...."
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 17, 2002 01:45 AM
"She is my sister!"
"Really?" the Polecat asks.
"Well, no," Eryk says. "But there's tons of people dying; chunks of the moon are falling all over the place, and the plot of this story seems completely incoherent at this point! Shouldn't we be saving the Earth or something, instead of killing each other?"
Then, came the voice of OMEGA MAN, who was France
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 17, 2002 01:50 AM
"BON DIEU, mes pampelmousses!!!
Le planette, she es en dangerre!
You must save her, immediete moi!
Our voi!"
The assemblage of heroes just kinda looked at each other with a glazed expression.
Until Beagle Boy screamed, "LOOK OUT!!!!! It's...."
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 17, 2002 01:55 AM
"... chunk of the Moon! Headed straight at us!"
"The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain!" Non-Sequitor says.
"Wait, aren't Beagle Boy and Leap-Year Lass still in Limbo?" Eryk Davis Esther says, wondering where the hell the "h" in his name came from.
In this direst of moments, the mighty heroes looked to their leader, the Boy with Ultra Powers, who decided...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 17, 2002 02:00 AM
"I QUIT!!! I'm the getting the HELL out of here!!!" As the buff boy with UPs sped away, Eryk Davis Esther removed 'his' disguise, revealing the ample frame of long-dead 20th century actress Esther Rolle, famed for the TV show GOOD TIMES.
"That's right, fools! It is I, ESTHER ROLLE, your GREATEST and most POWERFUL nenesis!!! I hate you all because...."
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 17, 2002 02:12 AM
"...you haven't yet offered my good friend Frankie Muniz membership in your team yet. He really needs the work!"
Meanwhile, the chunk of the moon approached ever nearer.
At that point, Kent Shakespeare and Grey Birdboy burst on the scene at the same time, asking each other...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 17, 2002 02:20 AM
"What are Frankie's powers anyway?"
"I dunno, I was gonna ask you!"
"I have the power to negate or reverse explosions!" answered Frankie.
"That power SUCKS!" Grey Birdboy taunted as the huge exploded moon-chunk drew ever closer still.
"You're REJECTED, loser!" Everyone began to chant. "HA HA Rejected! HA HA Rejected!"
"I can SAVE YOU, morons!!!" he screamed in his still-pre-pubescent voice!
But it was THEN and only then that......
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 17, 2002 02:43 AM
The Emerald Empress, realizing that she was naked, decided to don clothes.
With this distraction removed, the Legionnaires reconsidered their situation. "Maybe we should let Frankie join," Lash Lad offered.
"It would be nice if we could get out of this whole moon exploding sub-plot and back to the mystery of the Men in Dark Suits," Cobalt Kid said.
"But then we'll probably end up back in the Toilet of Doom before too much longer," Princess No-Protection replied.
"We've faced greater obstacles than the Toilet of Doom before," Faraway Lad contributed.
"I think we should let him in," Newcru added.
"It couldn't hurt," was Beagle Boy's thoughts on the matter.
"But no, we can't!" Leap Year Lass responded, mysteriously.
Rainbow Girl and the Polecat were making out on the bed.
"I like kittens!" exclaims Non-Sequitor, exuberantly.
"Look, I've got a wingless fly!" Grey Birdboy stated, joyfully.
"Why does my head hurt so much?" Kent Shakespeare wondered.
"Could we get back to the issue at hand?" questions Esther.
Frankie nods his head in agreement.
"BON DIEU!" booms OMEGA MAN.
Just then, the Boy with Ultra Powers returns, clutching...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Quislet Member July 17, 2002 02:32 PM
Clutching the Ultimate Neutra-- Nuili-- Whatever-fier.
The Boy with the Ultra Powers cried out "I can do it. I can make it alright."
Non-Sequitor finished painting the Mona Lisa with a flounder.
As the vast multiple of heroes(?) turned to the Boy with the Ultra Powers, they saw the mad maniacal look in his eyes. "NO!!!!" they cried in unison. Each diving to try and stop the Boy with the Ultra Powers. But it was too late. There was a blinding flash of light.
As the flash receded two figures could be see. The only two to survive were....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 17, 2002 03:23 PM
...Esther Rolle and Frankie Muniz!
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Faraway Lad Member July 19, 2002 03:10 AM
"All right Frankie me laddo" said Esther, "with the Legion and the LMB gone heaven knows where, and bits of the moon still falling to Earth, its up to you to save the day"
"but they never let me finish" wailed the cute in an annoying way youngster. "my power to negate and reverse explosions is a once only power, once i leave this containment suit which is cunningly fashioned to make me look like a 1,000 year old TV star, my energy will dissapte and i will be lost for ever"
"Look,stop whinning kid" said Esther, "do you ever hear the Legion and the LMB whine" She paused for a moment, "well do you ever hear the legion whine" she corrected her self. Just do you stuff and reverse those explosions, your the only one who can save the Earth"
"but thats just it" wailed Frankie, I can only reverse one, which one the moon or bring back the heroes? "
The two looked at each other, Should they save the moon and thus the earth and its billions of inhabitants, but leave the legion to its fate? On the other hand if they brough back the Legion they would have to bring back the LMBP as well.
After two seconds the decision was made Frankie would............
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Seahorse Member July 19, 2002 08:29 AM
...bring back all the heroes and leave it up to them to find a way to bring back the moon.
"It's not a cop-out. They do this kind of thing all the time, so they should know what to do. Anyway, it's kind of dull with them all dead," said Frankie. An eerie glow filled the air, and suddenly everyone popped back into existence. Frankie shouted: "Quickly heroes... and the LMBP too. You must save the world!" "My favourite fish is herring," said Non-Sequitur. "Well," said Beagle Boy, "does anyone have any ideas.....?"
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member July 20, 2002 12:48 AM
"I have several!" said an unfamiliar voice from behind the crowd.
"Who are you?" said Beagz.
"I, dear fellow, am...Captain Lightbulb!" exclaimed Captain Lightbulb. "I am the sole survivor of a parallel pocket alternate universe that was destroyed by a combination of antimatter, rampant ambivalence and deities copulating. But more importantly, I have the power to come up with really gnarly ideas to solve any problem! See?" And he pointed to the huge lightbulb that glowed brightly atop his head. "When this is on, the ideas are flowin'!"
"And when your universe was being destroyed?" asked Faraway.
CLB frowned dejectedly, "it...wasn't lit. But it is now! I can redeem myself!"
"Well," Kent sighed, "we're fresh outta ideas, so we have to hear what you've got. Well?"
"I have exactly three ideas!" CLB beamed. "One: Launch Omega Man into space and let him intercept the thing. When he transforms into France, he should be big enough to deflect it! Only, of course...this would require the Ultimate Sacrifice from him...and France..."
"Sacre bleu!" cried Omega.
"No, we can't do that! What else do you have?" Cobalt asked.
"My shoes have doody on them!" laughed Non-sequitor.
"The second idea," CLB continued, "would be for Leap Year Lass to pull the parts for a super laser out of people's asses to blow the rock to smithereens!"
"That one sounds nifty!" Seahorse exclaimed.
"Oui!" shouted Omega.
"However, these parts are huge and pulling them out of the volunteers's asses would kill them...massive internal bleeding and what-not..."
"Bummer," frowned Princess No-Protection.
"Okay," said Carnie Wilson, "what's the third idea?"
"The third idea is to find that ebony-clad male. He's the key to all this somehow. I have a hunch he can stop this since somehow he's the cause!"
"But how do we find him?" wondered Esther Rolle.
CLB's lightbulb flashed again. "I have an idea on that subject! We lure him back using...the naked Emerald Empress!"
"My snake farts!" exclaimed Non-sequitor.
Cobalt stepped up, "I know how we can get the naked Emerald Empress to help......"
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 20, 2002 01:27 AM
"But first," Cobalt continued, "we have to get her naked again."
"But how are we going to do that?" Esther Rolle asked.
"Do you have any ideas, Captain Lightbulb?" Beagz asked.
But as Captain Lightbulb's lightbulb lit up, and Non-Sequitor smoked a cigarette, a cloud of pillows pummeled our heroes.
"That's just a taste of what you're going to get, Legionnaires!" came the voice of [as-yet-unamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers]. "Though our leader, the one called the one, has been destroyed by the falling chuncks of the moon, our plot to usurp power from the males is just beginning!"
With her stood Sockhop Queen, Charlatan Lass, Princess Process, and Eyeful Ethel.
Upon seeing the five women who had appeared, Cobalt Kid said...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member July 20, 2002 03:53 AM
"...mmmmm...come to papa, sweet thangs!"
But before the drool could leave his mouth, Sockhop Queen clocked him with a wicked right cross, and Cobalt fell unconscious.
Leap Year Lass shouted, "At last! My allies are here, and we can now use this opportunity to take over the LMB! Grrl power!" She raised her fist, and all the other females present raised theirs and joined the newcomers.
The only female present who was not affiliated in the estrogen conspiracy was the Emerald Empress, who was inexplicably naked again.
Suddenly, the ebony-clad gentleman appeared in the midst of all this. "Oh no," he said, "the Empress is naked. Unless she gets some clothes on, I won't be able to leave! And the moon chunks will destroy us all! What good is a necromancer, traumatizer, whatEVER against THAT!"
Newcru asked the mysterious man, "can't you get your master the Tid-D Bowl Man to help?"
"No, dammit! He's too busy having sex with sheep right now!"
Newc then turned to the furious femmes, "can you save us with your grrl power?"
"Nope," replied the voice of the nameless bed-projecting entity. "This serves our purpose rather well! " With that, a giant bed appeared. All the femmes (except the naked Emerald Empress) gathered on it. Then it and all the femmes vanished.
"Frogs are green. Frogs are brown. Frogs hop all around!" sang Non-sequitor.
"What are we gonna do?" Lash despaired. Then something caught his eye. One of them was hurtling toward the threatening chunk of moon. "Look everybody! Someone's sacrificing his life to save us! Omigod, it's....."
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Greybird Member July 20, 2002 05:43 AM
"... GREY BIRDBOY!"
Who was carrying an Ultra-Entropy-Spinach Nullifier, and who could be heard shouting, over the roar of his wings flapping: "Stop this -fekakte- scenario, I wanna get off!"
And then, after a massive explosion
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 20, 2002 11:18 AM
The unconscious body of Grey Birdboy could be seen falling towards the ground.
"Quick, we've got to save him!" Lash Lad exclaimed.
With uncharacteristic haste and determination, the members of the LMB gathered the mass of pillows that had earlier pummeled them and formed them into a large pile underneath Grey Birdboy's falling body.
"Wha-what happened to his wings?" Beagz asked, noticing that the explosion seemed to have damaged them severely.
As Grey Birdboy's injured and nearly lifeless body landed on the cushioning pillows, the Boy with Ultra Powers looked up at the sky, where chunks of the moon had been raining down, and saw...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Faraway Lad Member July 20, 2002 04:00 PM
That soemhow they had all transformed into soft quilted paper rolls.
"Oh my god" said Newcru "Grey... Grey has made the ultimate sacrifice"
"What, Whast that" said Faraway Lad who was, as usual too far away from the action to understand just what was going on. or indeed Why.
"look at Gray's back" said Beagle Boy, "his wings have gone"
"yes" said Newcru, "its the ultimate sacrifice he could make. He used the power in the Anti Entropy Spinnach Gun to tranform the chunks of moon rock into something soft, strong and very absorpent, but he needed something to work on, he give up his wings to create those Bounty Rolls and save the Earth."
"well" Said Lardlad with his usual tact and feeling " the least we can do is honour his loss, from now on the wingless Graybird shall be know as Bounty"
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Greybird Member July 20, 2002 04:11 PM
Theh-ih-ih, theh-ih-ih, theh-ih-ih, THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!
You all just want to tear my wings off! Jealousy ain't becoming. Just because I'm the most handsome, sparkling bird or mammal (or both) around here for about four light-years, tsk tsk
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 20, 2002 05:26 PM
At least you didn't turn out to really be the secret id of a washed-up sitcom actress.
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Quislet Member July 20, 2002 07:04 PM
"The Statute of Frauds!" exclaimed Non-Sequitor
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Thriftshop Debutante Member July 20, 2002 07:37 PM
Elsewhere...
The Time Trumper called clubs, as is the Time Trumper's wont.
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member July 21, 2002 01:08 AM
As several of the assembled heroes took the heroic Bounty to the emergency room, the remaining heroes turned to Lardlad, the (main) darkly-dressed gentleman of this piece.
"Alright, Lardy," Beagz said, "we've got naked Empress here, so we know you can't go anywhere. So spill...what's the deal with you being evil and crap!"
"I-I...I'm not really evil, guys. I was offered a huge reward to work for the Tid-D Bowl Man."
"What huge reward?" asked Kent.
"Er...a lifetime supply of Krispy Kreme donuts..."
The crowd gave a collective groan.
Lardy brushed off that reaction and continued. "But really, it was all for the greater good", he said. "You see...as evil as that guy is, the one known only as the one was, like, about 300 times as evil! Even now, with the one destroyed, the one's servant, who can make beds appear out of thin air, is just as evil. That still-unnamed villain(ness?) is using our girls and brainwashing them to further the same evil goals!"
"Which are?" Newc asked.
"To wipe all men out of existence!"
"They're gonna kill us all?" Cobalt wondered.
"No..." Lardlad shuddered, "...they're gonna destroy...all men's..." Just thinking of what he was bout to say caused Lardy to involuntarily cover his privates before finishing the sentence: "...'NADs!"
Suddenly, all the men present had the same involuntary response. Then Cobalt broke the horrified silence frantically: "WE CAN'T LET THEM DO THAT!!!!"
"Damn right!" and similar sentiments were screamed primally throughout the crowd.
Even Non-sequitor said, "they can't take away my 'nads!"
Everyone looked at him in amazement.
"What?" N-S said. "These are our 'NADs we're talking about here, dammit!"
Everyone still stood agape.
Finally, Non-sequitor said "okay...fine...um...apes: they are SO like us!"
Then, everyone felt they could continue.
"So," said Faraway Lad, "how do we find those girls, so we can save men's genitals throughout the universe?"
Captain Light Bulb stepped forward. "I have an idea on that subject!" he said confidently. "We must........"
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 21, 2002 02:54 PM
"We must use one of those Newcru-visors, Nerd-revisors, whatEVER, to track them. Or at least we could, if only they had one, since they emit a unique energy signature which we could easily trace."
"We're in luck!" Dark Lardlad exclaimed. "Unnamed villainess stole my Nubilizer, Neuterizer,--WAIT, SORRY, THAT WAS A BAD ONE," he says as the males hands instinctively move to cover their privates again.
Meanwhile, Esther Rolle and Frankie Muniz, who had taken Grey Birdboy to the hospital, pretty much dropped out of the story at this point, until their big cameo at the end.
But, unnoticed by the other heroes, the Polecat had...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Thriftshop Debutante Member July 21, 2002 06:27 PM
was re-reading his TPB of the The Great Darkness Saga.
Hey, we should do a spell like they did on The Sorceror's World, he thought. I'll go tell the guys.
So he did, and they did. Well, the magically-inclined ones did anyway. The others went and fixed their hair, called their agents, et cetera.
...and down from the sky floated a page from a Hoyle card-game book. The Polecat grabbed it and began to read.
"This is the key", he told the assemblage. "Look here - one way to win the game is to shoot the moon - take all the tricks."
Which caused a buzz of excitement among certain members until P.C. clarified that that meant to win all twelve plays in a single hand.
"It took us about six deus-ex-machinas last time to survive the moon fragments!" cried poverty lad. "What are we gonna do?"
He Who Wanders (who, if not in the story previously, sure is now) had started reading the Hoyle page.
"We must tap into the Pinochle Force! See, here it says that anyone holding a queen of spades AND a jack of diamonds - that's called a pinochle - gets forty points. But if you have BOTH queens of spades and BOTH jacks of diamonds gets it's worth 300 points! Just what we need to fight something 300 times as evil!"
"So we should throw cards at the one called the one?" someone with a secret crush on Gambit asked.
"But we haven't any cards", said Faraway Lad. "Wait a minute...."
All eyes turned to the deck of cards Leap Year Lass had left behind. Interestingly enough, the four cards in question had "This one!" "This one!" "This one!" "And this one!" written on them in large letters in LYL's unmistakable handwriting.
"So now do we throw them?"
"No throwing", said HWW. "See, these four cards aren't very powerful on their own, but in a group, they become very important - they named the game after them, you know. Plus that's a good healthy metaphor/message that will help us slide all the potty humor past the Comics Code pinheads. We must choose our champions and connect them to the force."
In short order, Lucien Lad and Tsarin Lad (aka Mystery Lad) were chosen to represent diamonds, and Newcru and Beagle Boy for spades. (There was some brief howling until someone spelled out S-P-A-D-E to Beagz.)
A little magic, a little dance, a little seltzer in the pants... and with a flash (not the Empress) the four heroes entered the Force.
"It's all so clear", said Lucien Lad in a now-otherwordly voice. Here's what we must do...."
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member July 22, 2002 03:38 AM
"...we simply MUST go shopping!!!"
"Huh?!?! Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Gary Coleman said in response.
(Interjection: Bear with me here...it's not that big a stretch! After all...we DID have Frankie Muniz and Esther Rolle in this one! So apparently child actors and/or sitcom actors are fair game! And no one noticed I slipped Carnie Wilson in on page two! Go ahead...look. I double dog dare ya!)
"No...he's right, Gary," Tsarin Lad said calmly, "the rest of us saw it, too. The pinochle spell made it clear that if we all go on a shopping spree and buy and put on outrageous clothes---preferably women's clothes...with sequins---it'll fulfill a cosmic convergence, and we'll all magically appear in the lair of the bed-casting nemesis!"
"That's pretty f**kin' f**ked up," said Potty-Mouth Master.
"Well...if we must, we must," sighed Faraway Lad.
"NORM!" yelled Non-sequitor enthusiastically.
Pretty soon they were at the Shopping Mall planetoid blowing outrageous sums of credits on some of the most godawful-eyesore dresses you've ever seen. Some, like Lardlad and Cobalt, felt strangely at ease in their new accoutrements. Lucien Lad was so much in seventh heaven that a mission actually required shopping that he felt he could die happy that day.
After almost an entire day of rampant shopping, they were finished. Soon, they all emerged from their dressing rooms. They regrouped and joined together arm-in-arm and proudly marched through the mall doors, chorus line style. Gary shined a spotlight on them, and the light from their sequins shone like a totally fabulous sun. The light built up stronger until they all vanished in a bright flare that temporarily blinded all the spectators. But as they regained their composure (if not their sight), the spectators erupted into a thunderous round of applause.
Soon the assembled LMB (now standing for the "Legion of Macho Broads") appeared in the lair of their bed-casting nemesis. The first thing they saw as they gained their senses was......
[ October 13, 2003, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: Kid Prime ]
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 22, 2002 06:26 PM
...The members of The Legion of Overused Drag-Queen Names!
"WHAT is THIS!?!" screamed Hedda Lettuce.
"THIS is an outrage!" bellowed Helen Bedd.
"They CAN'T be serious!" scoffed Allison Chains.
"Where did you find that FABOO boa???" Beneetha Mann asked Lucien Lad.
And Sofonda Peters simply rolled her eyes.
"Ah HA!!! DRAG QUEENS must be the advance army of our enemy!" interjected the gaudily-clad Beagle Boy.
Lucien cried out, "I know how to stop them!!! We must.....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Thriftshop Debutante Member July 22, 2002 08:24 PM
MEANWHILE AND ELSEWHERE
After too many hassles while clothes shopping The Polecat turned to mail order, and had begged off the mall expedition. He picked up the Great Darkness Saga TPB again and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw the penultimate page of part two:
Ultra Boy: And it looks like the teachers found us a TRUMP CARD.
"Okay, so what card is the trump card?"
None too familiar with card games that required more than one player, he scrambled around until he found the Hoyle page.
"Oh, there isn't just one, it's the entire suit...which suit though? OK, it changes every hand." He flipped the page over. "The person who takes the bid decides trump."
Just then, a telepathic taunt thundered through Polecat's skull:
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Non-Sequitor New Member July 23, 2002 04:45 AM
My other radish is a lawnmower.
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Quislet Member July 23, 2002 02:00 PM
quote:
Originally by Greybird:
ok who toke my character creation as a new identity? fess up
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Captain Lightbulb New Member July 23, 2002 02:36 PM
I have NO IDEA who would do something like that.
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 23, 2002 11:47 PM
And suddenly, Captain Continuity (another member of the Plot Device Squad) returned order to the storyline...
Lucien cried out, "I know how to stop them!!! We must give them Cherr-Berr Gelato!!"
"What?" Beagz asked.
"I'm sure I remember hearing this somewhere. All drag queens love Cherr-Berr Gelato. We can use it to distract them."
Meanwhile, in another reality, Timber Wolf said, "Cherr-Berr Gelato can get you killed here. You and the cargo."
But back to our story (Captain Continuity insists), Faraway Lad asks, "So where do we get Cherr-Berr Gelato?"
"If only Leap-Year Lass were here! She could pull it out of someone's ass!" Beagz laments.
But, alas!, LYL was not there to help them, so they had to...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member July 24, 2002 01:15 AM
...ask Pol Krinn to sacrifice himself to open a gigantic metaphorical keyhole to unlock a secret stash of the stuff left long ago by a long-dead drag queen wizard whose name is lost to antiquity. He took Gary Coleman with him.
So after giving Pol a quicky memorial service, the assembled heroes in drag gathered the swag and took it to where the drag vanguard of the enemy awaited. Before they could attack the heroes, they noticed the Cherr-Berr Gelato, dove into it and started gorging themselves.
The heroes in drag easily slipped past them. Then, they saw a great huge gilded doorway that led to the throneroom of the enemy. A sign on it said, "whosoever wisheth to entereth this doorway must offereth uppeth a sacrifice of one of those among them to unlock its keyhole."
"I want my MTV!" shouted Non-sequitor.
"Oh, damn, not again! Who thinks up this crap?!?!" cried Lucien. "And we've already used Pol!"
"And Gary Coleman, too!" sighed Newcru.
"Gosh...who can we ask to die this time?" Cobalt despaired.
After a long, pregnant pause, a voice rose above the others proclaiming, "I'll do it"
Everyone whirled around and was amazed to see the voice belonged to..........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Faraway Lad Member July 24, 2002 08:51 AM
Graybird!!!!!
Leaning on a cane and still heavily bandaged, from his hideous mutilation. The quicker picker upper, shuffled forward.
"I tried to stop him" honestly I did, said Stock Hospital Nurse, adjusting the front of her already low cut nurses uniform so that it showed even more cleavage.
"Look, stop trying to build your character in to a larger part" Said Lash Lad
"Thats not all thats building into a larger part" said Faraway who for some reason could not seem to look Stock Hospital Nurse in the Eye, or indeed any part of the anatomy higher that her ample cleavage.
"Wow!" said Cobalt Kid, "I can only hope you try to stop me next beautiful, I can tell you I woun't be rushing to get past you for a load of men in drag"
"But why would you be willing to sacrifice yourself Gray" Asked LardLad
"to live without wings is no life, I would rather do this and at least help you to defeat this evil plan than live another day unable to soar and swoop under a warm sun"
However before anyone could answer this there was a deafening swooshing sound and turning the heroes saw..........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
lancesrealm Member July 24, 2002 10:21 AM
...Leap Year Lass swooping in!
"Where the hell did you come from?" queried LardLad?
"Beats me - that was 15 posts ago. Before you sacrifice the crippled Bird guy, I have a suggestion..." With that, she reached into Graybird's ass and pulled out...a small key!
"What the hell is that for? That is way too small to do us any good!" whined Cobalt Kid.
"It's a metaphorical key, you jackass. How else are you going to open a metaphorical lock?"
Faraway insited the nurse try to take down his swelling.
Non-Sequiter said, "Did you know that even though children are smaller than adults, they often weigh less?"
Lash Lad took the key, walked up to the keyhole, and inserted the metaphorical key into the metaphorical lock. The gates trembled with a metaphorical groan, and began to slowly open to reveal...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 24, 2002 12:26 PM
...The Tid-D Bowl Man's Giant Toilet of Doom!!! Our heroes were suddenly sucked inside, the door closing after them, as LYL cackled in the background.
"Wait, I just remembered," Faraway Lad said. "Leap-Year Lass is working for the enemy! We shouldn't have trusted her!"
Inside the Commode of Chaos, there was another prisoner. He was among the most handsome humans any of them had ever seen.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Xan Orbal," the prisoner says. "I used to work for the one called the one, but was imprisoned here when I betrayed the one by helping her enemy, the Tid-D Bowl Man."
"Why did you betray the one?" He Who Wanders (whose was arbitrarily inserted into the story awhile back but hasn't done much since) says.
"Because of the severe disfigurement she caused me."
"Excuse me, but you don't seem to be very disfigured to me," Lash Lad said, admiringly.
"No, I mean disfigured down there..." the doc says, causing the heroes once again the discomfort of remembering the nature of the villainesses plot.
Meanwhile, the single male hero who wasn't trapped in the Toilet of Doom was the Polecat, who ditched the main plotline a few posts ago, and was doing the whole "hocus-pocus", weird telepathic signals about what to do thing. As he sat meditating on the situation, he...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
lancesrealm Member July 25, 2002 01:43 PM
...realized he was the one hero who could easily survive the Trapper Crapper, since it couldn't stink any worse than he did. "Might even be an improvement," he mused.
Our aromatic hero drove off to the Commode of Chaos in his super-hero vehicle, the Odor-Motor. As he arrived, he saw Leap Year Lass standing outside, cackling evilly. Realizing Leap Year Lass was either up to no good or else had just snorted a lot of nitrous oxide, Polecat turned his back to her, raised his tail, and fired a...well, you don't want to know what he fired. Leap Year Lass turned around too late, and was quickly rendered unconscious by the odor.
"Not gettin' your hands near my butt," thought Polecat. "Don't need a weed-whacker comin' outta there."
Non-sequitor asked, "Did you know that even though a gazelle is faster than a racehorse, a gazelle has never won the Kentucky derby?"
Our putrid protagonist noticed the door had not closed all the way. He forced the door open wide enough to squeeze in, and before long...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Faraway Lad Member July 25, 2002 05:08 PM
he had squeezed himself inside. Unfortunately he had also managed to squeeze a few Zits in the process and the resultant mess had proved too overpowering even for the polecat. Overcome he collapsed to the floor.
All was still and quiet.
Then from out of a mysterious cloud which had mysteriously appeared for no other reason that plot necessity, stepped Mystery Lad. With a mysterious smile he stepped forward.
Faraway Lad, who was always the last to do anything, looked up before being overcome by the power of the toilet of doom, " Mystery Lad, I wondered where you had got to" he croaked before collapsing to the floor.
MY mysterious powers will be able to help the LMBP defeat this evil plot, Said Mystery Lad, "but it must be done in a mysterious way, more mysterious indeed than a professor of mystery at the university of mystery, who has just created the ultimate mystery"
And with that Mystery Lad turned and.........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 25, 2002 05:17 PM
...destroyed the universe with anti-matter.
From the void of oblivion, the sound of a child weeping was heard (by no one in particular, since everything was gone now...)
But, at that exact moment, in an alternate universe much like the one that was just mysteriously obliterated...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Beagle Boy Member July 25, 2002 05:20 PM
Leap Year Lass smiled at her reflection in the mirror. She was dressed to the 9's and her combination Allysa Milano-Allyson Hannigan look was sure to make her date's heart skip a beat!
*BREEEP!*
Her date had arrived. She sashayed to the entryway and opened it to find......
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 25, 2002 07:14 PM
... not her date, after all, but a man dressed like some agent in an old flattie film from the 21st that she'd seen on HoloVision Channel 23290 the other night.
He was dressed head to toe in black, just like that guy. Held up a little wand like him, too. Neutralizer? Neuralizer? -- whatEVER.
"You know too much about our infiltration of the Legionnaires," he said. "We have to do this to protect you, and our operatives as well. Sorry." A flash hit her eyes.
And suddenly she found herself in ...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
lancesrealm Member July 25, 2002 11:49 PM
...the bathroom, because this time loop was making her sick. "What do I do?" she asked Non-sequitor.
"I have written a song about ampersands," he replied.
As she exited the lavatory, her hand inched toward the stranger's butt...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 26, 2002 12:25 AM
...and pulled out a crystal sphere containing the reality that had been seemingly destroyed in the anti-matter explosion. The sphere spoke in a child's voice saying, "Thank you!"
Meanwhile, inside the sphere, Non-Sequitor was singing a song about ampersands.
Beagz asked, "What the f*@k was up with that anti-matter explosion, Mystery Lad!?"
"I need not explain my mysterious ways to the likes of you," he said, and then mysteriously vanished. As he disappeared, the Polecat mysteriously recovered.
Just then, Captain Lightbulb had an idea...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Another highlight of Hot Summer Nights... Lancesrealm's Ampersands ditty!
lancesrealm Member July 26, 2002 11:14 AM
But first, a number...
I love the Ampersand! It does more than you think it can! No need to use a silly "and"! Just use an ampersand!
(1st singer) I didn't know what an ampersand was! (2nd singer) How could you not? The world's abuzz! People in Rio are dancing because (chorus) We all love the ampersand!
We now return to our regularly scheduled lunacy. already in progress...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Quislet Member July 26, 2002 04:24 PM
Just then, Captain Lightbulb had an idea...
"Oh no!" exclaimed Eyeful Ethel, "I not going along with another one of your hair-brain schemes Lucy er I mean Captain Lightbulb."
"Hey! I make the obscure reference here!" reclaimed Non-Sequitor (while he delinted the chia pet)
Faraway Lad cried out "Hold on, hold on, just a minute here. I'm getting real confused now. Who's still here? What is the crisis? Who's going to pay for all this? And am I going to get "lucky" tonight?"
Mystery Lad looked mysteriously at the group. Polecat mumbled under his breath "This stinks!" Beagle Boy thought "Does this gown make me look fat?" "*&%#$@%" swore Potty-Mouth Master. Lardlad and Cobalt looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. Graybird called out "Don't even think about asking me. I've left this story long ago!" Leap Year Lass offers to pull the answers out of Faraway Lad's ass.
Through this cacophony of clamorous cries and humongous hilarity, a lone voice of sanity
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Blockade Boy Member July 26, 2002 05:06 PM
<<< Interjection: >>>
We could have a problem. There is not even a voice of sanity here in which to be lonely.
<<< end of interjection >>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 28, 2002 01:44 AM
Through this cacophony of clamorous cries and humongous hilarity, a lone voice of sanity could not be heard. But, outside the Toilet of Doom, the Tid D Bowl Man, who had finished his "sheparding" activities, had once again become interested in what was going on, but needed an update. To this end, he employed the services of Editorial Eddie, who explained to him
WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE
"The male LMBers and allies are caught in the midst of a dastardly plot, initiated by the mysterious but now deceased one called the one, who seems to have converted the female LMBers to her cause of flushing the male LMBers nads out of existence. To this end, the one called the one's chief lieutennant, the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers, and her cronies (including Sockhop Queen, Charlatan Lass, Princess Process, Eyeful Ethel, Leap Year Lass, Princess No-Protection, and Carnie Wilson) have lured an assortment of seemingly random and constantly changing LMBers and allies into the Giant Toilet of Doom, which, though actually owned and maintained by the one called the one's arch-enemy, the Tid D Bowl Man, is being used by the one called the one's agent in exchange for a the loan of a herd of sheep. The LMBers have already suffered great losses, as Grey Birdboy gave his wings to save the galaxy, and Pol Krinn and Gary Coleman both perished unlocking a mystical door, that, in retrospect, seemed pretty pointless.
The most recent prisoner in the Toilet of Doom is the Polecat, who seems to have discovered certain clues to defeating the enemy in a TPB of the Great Darkness Saga. Also of importance is that the inexplicably naked Emerald Empress has developed a fascination for Omega Man, who (equally inexiplicably) has been transformed into France, and has stayed with him. I'm sure there's a backstory here somewhere, but I think that was lost somewhere along with rumaging around in Kent Shakespeare's head."
With that summary in hand, the mighty Tid D Bowl Man, the Trapper Crapper Keeper, the Proprietor of the Porcelain Prison, decided to...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member July 28, 2002 02:30 AM
...make his move.
"Ha-ha!" he cried to no one in particular. "Our hated enemy, the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers, has been lulled into thinking that we are her ally! The fool! After all, are we not a man? And if her (yes, the character IS a woman, of course!) plan works, will we not lose our 'nads as well? And how will we f**k sheep without our 'nads? Thus, she should never have aligned herself with us! Perhaps, she thought that we would not discover her true intentions? Well, we may be a sheep- f**ker...but we are not an idiot!"
The, the Tid-D Bowl Man sat down on his throne and pulled the handle. "Now," he proclaimed (still to no one in particular), "the game is aflush!"
Suddenly, the trapped heroes found themselves being pulled under by the tremendous force of the giant toilet being flushed. Again, as the ones who'd been flushed before had experienced, they were unable to resist its pull and thought they would drown.
But instead, they appeared in the throneroom of the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers. They saw all the collaborating females including some that had not known previously to have been involved, including notably Space Tart, Hummer Lass, Shadowplay in Candlelight Lass, Globe Girl, Supergirl and Valerie Bertinelli.
But atop a grand set of stairs sat a fetching beauty dressed in seductive black and red lingerie. She lounged in the fanciest brass bed you've ever seen with red-laced curtains drawn open. Instinctively, everyone knew this was the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers herself.The gay men present admired her fashion sense while the straight men's tongues dragged the ground.
Non-sequitor worked on an origami parakeet.
"Nice of you to join us!" she purred. Her hand rested on a side table that appeared to have a severed bespectacled human head on it. She seemed to be fingering something inside it.
"Kent Shakespeare!" Lardlad cried in disgust.
"Yes," the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers replied softly, "it's him. What lies within his head is the key to the...fate...I have planned for all men."
All the men involuntarily shielded their nether regions at that.
"I knew the Tid-D Bowl Man would betray me," she continued. "I'll deal with him afterwards. For now let me formally introduce myself since I know you're curious. My name is....."
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Blockade Boy Member July 28, 2002 11:13 AM
<<< Another Interjection
quote:
Originally by Eryk Davis Ester:
WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE
How do you DO that??? This story is more convoluted that the five year gap and Monel's timeline put together, and yet... somehow it now all makes sense.
End of Another Interjection >>>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Dark Katie New Member July 28, 2002 12:36 PM
I knew the Tid-D Bowl Man would betray me," she continued. "I'll deal with him afterwards. For now let me formally introduce myself since I know you're curious. My name is Lucifer Girl."
Of the assembled heroes, only Non-Sequitor knew that Lucifer Girl was an alternate universe, slightly de-aged, Grandin Gender-reversed, amnesiac red kryptonite clone of Eryk Davis Ester, but N-S was too busy wearing his shoes on his hands to tell the others.
Meanwhile, in France, the naked Emerald Empress...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 28, 2002 01:00 PM
...finally defeated Clothes-Fall-Off Fred, who had been following her around in secret all this time and making her clothes fall off.
After giving him a particularly gruesome and majorly painful death, she then set about to find Turns-You-Into-A-Country Kid to force him to restore Omega Man!
At this exact moment, in a parallel pocket universe.....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 28, 2002 01:25 PM
<>
quote:
Originally by Blockade Boy:
How do you DO that??? This story is more convoluted that the five year gap and Monel's timeline put together, and yet... somehow it now all makes sense.
One of my hidden talents, I guess. Surprisingly, there is a coherent plotline in between characters suddenly appearing and disappearing, and MLLASH destroying the universe about once per page.
Now, if somebody could figure out how "Lucifer Girl" can be a gender-reversed clone of me, when I was clearly revealed to Esther Rolle a few pages ago, we might have a reasonably coherent story. And I have no idea where this Omega Man sub-plot is going...
End of yet another interjection>>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 28, 2002 01:32 PM
****Interjection!****
Hey, I like to destroy the universe. I like to see how you guys get around that slight handicap! Pulling the old universe out of someone's ass was particularly inspired! Well, I'll promise to not do it much more...
And remember, Esther Rolle was Eryk Davis ESTHER.
Lucifer Girl is the transformed clone of Eryk Davis ESTER. Different folks, see!
Just admit it, guys... this "tag-team storytelling" as we call it, is a hoot!!! I've LOL'ed many times reading this stuff!!! We used to do this all the time on the old Legionnaires board. I'm having a ball!
****end Interjection!****
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 28, 2002 01:41 PM
<<>>
Ahhh, you can keep destroying the universe if you want to, Lashie. And half the fun of the game is people throwing out weird tangents, and then trying to get back to the main storyline.
This is a lot of fun. And thanks for the reminder that Esther Rolle and I are different characters. Maybe I'll actually get to be in the story now!!!
<<>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Quislet Member July 28, 2002 01:58 PM
At this exact moment, in a parallel pocket universe..... something happened. But before we say what. . .
Non-Sequitor destroyed the universe (but not the parallel pocket universe or the negative universe)
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Leap Year Lass Member July 28, 2002 02:56 PM
<>>
quote:
Originally by MLLASH: Pulling the old universe out of someone's ass was particularly inspired!
Well then why don't you do it next time? You know very well that that isn't MY power and besides no WAY am I mussing my gloves.
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 28, 2002 03:17 PM
****Interjection!****
It's officially in-continuity now, Leapy.. you have the power to pull objects of pepole's butts, along with your time-power thingie.
Unless this is an ELSEWORDS LMBP tale..???
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Leap Year Lass Member July 28, 2002 03:59 PM
<<>>
Well, that clears that up, Lash-ums, as I don't have time-powers either. It's all a case of mistaken identity! Besides I am unaffiliated. Well, except for my union (look for the union L-Y-L, tee-hee!) and of course I get triple overtime out of season.
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Light Year Lass New Member July 28, 2002 04:04 PM
Well, don't look at me!
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Last Year Lass New Member July 28, 2002 04:30 PM
I have time powers, but to the best of by knowledge I don't have conjuring-from-ass abilities.
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member July 28, 2002 10:51 PM
Ahem!
(At this exact moment, in a parallel pocket universe)
...which happened to be the same one Captain Lightbulb is from, a previously-unknown other survivor (reminder: CLB was supposed to be the sole survivor of this universe that he couldn't save) emerged from hiding. This survivor, Universe-Restorer Lass, was protected by when the rest of the universe was destroyed.
"At last!" she shouted triumphantly. "I finally have a chance to use my power! About damn time!"
So concentrating with all her might, she used her power. But nothing happened.
"Oh no! My power doesn't work!" she cried and started sobbing uncontrollably. Then, she pulled out her goldfish aquarium and drowned herself.
About 10 minutes later, her universe blinked back into existence. Sad Lad, Universe-Restorer Lass's boyfriend, found her.
"Alas," he lamented, "she must've thought she had failed to save us. She didn't know it would take a few minutes! Oh, woe!"
Then, he too drowned himself in her goldfish aquarium.
Thus, this parallel pocket universe was saved...which did absolutely NOTHING to help our heroes!!!
BUT...somewhere outside time was Parallax (a.k.a. Hal Jordan/Spectre/Donna Troy/Foodmaker Kid/Jar Jar Binx) who had a reset button..........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
lancesrealm Member July 29, 2002 11:24 AM
<<>>
I have to be sure no one else is in the office when I read this thread. I have burst into laughter several times. This is the only thread I have actually saved off on my computer. Hey, did anyone like my song about ampersands? I now have to come up with a ditty about origami parakeets.
<<>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member July 29, 2002 11:16 PM
<<>>
Yeah, that ampersand ditty ROCKED!!!
I eagerly await the '80s punk rock version of "Origami Parakeet (Up Yours!)"
btw, you got the 100th post and didn't gloat, you whore!
<<>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Seahorse Member July 30, 2002 06:15 AM
Parallax chuckled, as he lightly stroked the reset button with a fingertip. He had discovered this ancient tool some time ago. Its creator's identity was completely forgotten, but the weapon had been fought over repeatedly and had had more owners than anyone could remember. Parallax idly wondered if he had invented the weapon, because he had found the instructions pamphlet in a pocket in his cape. That was the problem with being a near-omnipotent composite and reincarnated being with the memories of various other lives competing for attention. Was it Hal Jordan, Donna Troy or Jar-Jar Binks who had built the weapon? He stroked the button again, and decided it did not matter.
He had almost decided to press the button. So many mistakes would be erased, so many lost chances would return and so many bitter and unhappy memories would simply disappear. The burden of guilt would ease and his heart might beat freely again. He checked the instructions pamphlet one more time, and pressed the button.
A tiny box appeared on the screen, telling him there was an error and there was no space available on the C drive, and suggesting options. He pressed one, but it did not help. A badly-drawn caricature of a paperclip appeared and suggested more options. He tried to make the paperclip thing vanish, but that called up the original error message. He pressed the universe reset button again, but that just took him back into the loop.
In a secret fortress at the end of space and time, no-one can hear you scream in frustration...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Bevis Member July 30, 2002 10:13 AM
... but the same is also true of a packed pub on a Saturday night. Which is where Lucien Lad had got to (I can't remember if he'd gone missing or not but he has now). He, BBSeahorse and Looks That Kill Lad had got bored with all the other shenanigans after the shopping trip and so had decided to hit the bars instead and try and find something more... stimulating. All seemed to be going well without sight of any suddenly appearing beds, giant toilets or exploding universes when suddenly...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
poverty lad Member July 30, 2002 10:32 AM
...Poverty Lad lurched from the Men's loo, a glowing plunger firmly affixed to the Poverty Gem on his forehead.
Drunkenly, he gasped:
"Musht... shtop....!" >hic!<
...And he passed out. Exiting the privy behind him, laughing evilly, was none other than...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member July 30, 2002 11:14 AM
.....Poverty Lad's mortal nemesis, Mike Ock!
"AAAAh!" BBSea screamed, "It's the nefarious Mike Ock!"
"We must get away from Mike Ock before all hell breaks loose!" bellowed Looks that Kill Lad.
"Oh, there's nothing wrong with Mike Ock that a little hand-to-hand combat won't fix!" Lucien Lad stated grimly.
With that, he rose from his barstool and glowered at the villainous Mr. Ock.
"You're gowing DOWN!!!" Ock yelled.
First blood was scored by....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Bevis Member July 30, 2002 11:24 AM
*interlude*
ooh, I'm so embaressed. I didn't get the joke with his name at all. I was really puzzled until I read it again. And me, renowned for making a double entendre out of almost anything. I feel so ashamed.
*end interlude*
Posted by Kid Prime on :
poverty lad Member July 30, 2002 01:23 PM
>>interjection:<<
BWAAAAAH--!!
snicker...
chortle...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Faraway Lad Member July 31, 2002 03:48 AM
First blood was scored by....
Sly Stallone dressed as Rambo.
"where did he come from" asked Seahorse
"Dont know" replied Looks that Kill Lad," who was indeed looking at the well muscled body of Mr Stallone
Rambo had grabbed hold of Mike Ock and was trying it seemed to toss Mike Ock over the bar. But Ock was slippery and Rambo's grip kept slipping off.
"Maybe we should help him" asked Poverty Lad
"No dear" replied Lucien Lad " you of all people really should not go near Mike Ock, you know he is the one person who your power is useless against. Anyway, lets just watch for a while to see what Rambo can do against Mike Ock"
Meanwhile.........
Back in the Toilet of Doom, a small brown object was floating on the surface of the oily scummy water. As we get closer to it we see it is in fact the Tid-D-Bowl man. Dead in his own Trapper Crapper.
Standing over the giant toilet of doom, near the flush handle was non other than, the one who is called the one.
"Fools" gloated the one called the one "they forgot that all this rebooting would bring me back, and I am more powerful than ever before. Now this pathetic little turd is out of the way I will be able to destroy the mysterious one with bed projecting powers and shall then rule all the known universes"
Turning to his compatriot, the figure dressed only in Black, the one called the one called out
"Come Darth Larder, my Evil Sith Lord of Cholesterol, bring your nutralizer, nuralizer, WHATever, we have work to do"
The one called the one took one last look down at the Trapper Crapper then flushed it and Tid-D-Bowl Man away, and with that the one called the one turned and left the toilet of doom laughing.
Meanwhile.....................
Posted by Kid Prime on :
poverty lad Member July 31, 2002 04:11 AM
...Pov stirred on the barroom floor, roused (but not A-roused) by the sounds of battle.
"Ooog... WHAT the...!"
He wrenched the glowing plunger from his forehead.
"I was goin' to the loo... had to unload that SilverAle... and I was assaulted by...
MIKE OCK!"
The glowering Martian got to his feet, got his bearings, and took stock of the battle before him. He took the glowing toilet tool, now charged with the energy it had drained from him, and hurled it at Mr. Ock-- giving him a plunge that would do Abner Louima proud.
Stricken, in pain and enraged, the one-eyed giant turned quickly on his longtime nemesis. They grappled.
"I've wasted a lifetime in hand-to-hand combat with you, Mike Ock! This ends NOW!!"
Drawing on the power of the Poverty Gem, P-Lad lashed out at the Phallic Phreak, giving him a case of shrinkage that only George Costanza could love.
"Never again need the worlds fear Mike Ock!" avowwed Pov, as the raving eunuch burst through the barroom doors and into the night.
Meanwhile...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member August 01, 2002 03:23 PM
... Lucien lad, Looks that Kill Lad and BBSea ordered another round of drinks.
At that exact moment, elsewhere....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
CalamityKing New Member August 01, 2002 04:25 PM
Pitch bitch asked Moan-el " is that lead in your pencil or are you just pleased to see me?"
Moan-el blanched.....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 02, 2002 01:42 AM
Elsewhere, Pariah magically appeared as he does amidst all doomed universes.
"This world is doomed! It's really getting out of control and not making any damn sense at all!" he cried. (And, yes, Pariah was really crying---he's such a girly-man, pansy-ass, after all) "The only thing that can save this universe now is if Erik Davis Ester somehow brings it all togather again! Oh...boo-hoo-HOOO!"
Then, someone ran up to Pariah and kicked him in the 'nads. "That'll give ya somethin' ta cry about, pansy!" sneered 'Nads-Kicker Lad.
Meanwhile, in a previously-mentioned fish bowl...........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Seahorse Member August 02, 2002 06:21 AM
...was a fish with the power to warp reality, except his awesome might was neutralised by the presence of water. Life's so ironic sometimes.
In another part of the universe, Parallax Troy Binks roared with triumphant laughter (flipping his long ears and breasts) as the computer glitch was finally resolved in a confusion of little message boxes. Admittedly he had used his powers to fix the machine, but what was the point of being one of the most powerful lifeforms in existence and spending hours trying to negotiate with an animated paperclip? Parallax felt an overwhelming sense of relief as he pressed the button and all existence vanished, then returned...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Bevis Member August 02, 2002 07:12 AM
... exactly as it was before only without that @(&%$^*^$$ing paperclip. So possibly he wasn't a bad guy at all. Or woman. or thing. Or possibly he was. It's hard to tell these days. At that point he finally noticed the goldfish with the amazing powers and seeing it's predicament (ie: only being able to use it's powers out of water) he....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 06, 2002 02:09 AM
...plucked it out and swallowed it whole!
"Mmmmm! Meesa like dat!" said a part of the Parallax entity.
"Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww!!!!!" gagged the other four fifths of the entity.
Recovering, the Spectre portion of Parallax spoke. "Now it's time to conjure a spell to explain just what's been going on since Erik Davis Ester's last recap!" Spectre concentrated really hard, and a gentleman who resembled British actor Michael York appeared before him.
****SPECIAL CAMEO APPEARANCE BY "AUSTIN POWERS"'S BASIL EXPOSITION!!!!****
"Well, Mr. Exposition...what's going on in this story? It doesn't make any sense any more. Please explain it to me! What's happening?" Parallax pleaded to the mythic master of plot explaining.
Basil looked at the entity for a moment, then shrugged. "Beats the hell outta me!" he moaned. Then he disappeared.
"Well, THAT was useful!" Parallax cried sarcastically. Then he fingered his reset button. "Hmmm...", he mused, "things really seemed to go awry when the universe was destroyed that one time amidst the drag heroes' confrontation with Lucifer Girl. We never did get to see what's so important about the contents of Kent Shakespeare's head hinted at on page four...and all those bits with the phallic innuendo seemed like throwaway anecdotes that stood alone, funny as they were. And now the thread hasn't seen any activity in days. This may be the only way to resuscitate it. Hmmm...yes, I'll do it---I'll use my reset button to bring us back to that part."
Shedding a tear, Parallax set the controls and pressed his reset button. And alluva sudden...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 06, 2002 02:17 AM
...selected portions of page four appeared to bring everyone back to what happened:
WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE"The male LMBers and allies are caught in the midst of a dastardly plot, initiated by the mysterious but now deceased one called the one, who seems to have converted the female LMBers to her cause of flushing the male LMBers nads out of existence. To this end, the one called the one's chief lieutennant, the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers, and her cronies (including Sockhop Queen, Charlatan Lass, Princess Process, Eyeful Ethel, Leap Year Lass, Princess No-Protection, and Carnie Wilson) have lured an assortment of seemingly random and constantly changing LMBers and allies into the Giant Toilet of Doom, which, though actually owned and maintained by the one called the one's arch-enemy, the Tid D Bowl Man, is being used by the one called the one's agent in exchange for a the loan of a herd of sheep. The LMBers have already suffered great losses, as Grey Birdboy gave his wings to save the galaxy, and Pol Krinn and Gary Coleman both perished unlocking a mystical door, that, in retrospect, seemed pretty pointless. The most recent prisoner in the Toilet of Doom is the Polecat, who seems to have discovered certain clues to defeating the enemy in a TPB of the Great Darkness Saga. Also of importance is that the inexplicably naked Emerald Empress has developed a fascination for Omega Man, who (equally inexiplicably) has been transformed into France, and has stayed with him. I'm sure there's a backstory here somewhere, but I think that was lost somewhere along with rumaging around in Kent Shakespeare's head."With that summary in hand, the mighty Tid D Bowl Man, the Trapper Crapper Keeper, the Proprietor of the Porcelain Prison, decided to...
...make his move. "Ha-ha!" he cried to no one in particular. "Our hated enemy, the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers, has been lulled into thinking that we are her ally! The fool! After all, are we not a man? And if her (yes, the character IS a woman, of course!) plan works, will we not lose our 'nads as well? And how will we f**k sheep without our 'nads? Thus, she should never have aligned herself with us! Perhaps, she thought that we would not discover her true intentions? Well, we may be a sheep- f**ker...but we are not an idiot!"The, the Tid-D Bowl Man sat down on his throne and pulled the handle. "Now," he proclaimed (still to no one in particular), "the game is aflush!"Suddenly, the trapped heroes found themselves being pulled under by the tremendous force of the giant toilet being flushed. Again, as the ones who'd been flushed before had experienced, they were unable to resist its pull and thought they would drown. But instead, they appeared in the throneroom of the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers. They saw all the collaborating females including some that had not known previously to have been involved, including notably Space Tart, Hummer Lass, Shadowplay in Candlelight Lass, Globe Girl, Supergirl and Valerie Bertinelli. But atop a grand set of stairs sat a fetching beauty dressed in seductive black and red lingerie. She lounged in the fanciest brass bed you've ever seen with red-laced curtains drawn open. Instinctively, everyone knew this was the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers herself.The gay men present admired her fashion sense while the straight men's tongues dragged the ground. Non-sequitor worked on an origami parakeet. "Nice of you to join us!" she purred. Her hand rested on a side table that appeared to have a severed bespectacled human head on it. She seemed to be fingering something inside it."Kent Shakespeare!" Lardlad cried in disgust."Yes," the as-yet-unnamed-character-with-bed-projection-powers replied softly, "it's him. What lies within his head is the key to the...fate...I have planned for all men."All the men involuntarily shielded their nether regions at that."I knew the Tid-D Bowl Man would betray me," she continued. "I'll deal with him afterwards. For now let me formally introduce myself since I know you're curious. My name is....."
Lucifer Girl."Of the assembled heroes, only Non-Sequitor knew that Lucifer Girl was an alternate universe, slightly de-aged, Grandin Gender-reversed, amnesiac red kryptonite clone of Eryk Davis Ester, but N-S was too busy wearing his shoes on his hands to tell the others.Meanwhile, in France, the naked Emerald Empress...
...finally defeated Clothes-Fall-Off Fred, who had been following her around in secret all this time and making her clothes fall off.After giving him a particularly gruesome and majorly painful death, she then set about to find Turns-You-Into-A-Country Kid to force him to restore Omega Man!At this exact moment, in a parallel pocket universe.....
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 06, 2002 02:23 AM
...Bobby Ewing walked out of a shower. "Yes, Pam," he said to his wife, "the latter parts of page four and the upper parts of page five of this thread were just a horrible, horrible dream you had!"
Meanwhile back in the palace of Lucifer Girl in the regular dimension, she reached into Kent Shakespeare's head. "And now," she cackled, "my secret weapon!"
Pulling her hand out of the skull, the dread weapon was revealed as..........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Blockade Boy Member August 06, 2002 02:56 AM
<<< Interjection >>>
Science Fiction Theator 3003
"Divorce Lawyer!!!"
<<< end Interjection >>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Looks That Kill Lad Member August 06, 2002 08:14 AM
*Meanwhile back at the bar*
"who's round is it?" enquired Seahorse.
"Yours" replied Looks That Kill Lad & Lucien Lad.
"Barman! We'll have Sex on the Beach and two Orgasms please"
Lucien Lad looked over at Rambo & Mike Ock.
"We should do something about those two. Mike Ock can't take much more of it."
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member August 07, 2002 08:43 PM
REBOOOOOOOOT!!!!
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 07, 2002 11:33 PM
Could we please not reboot or destroy the universe, until we've had a chance to fix the effects of the last reality-warping experience?
I'll see what I can do to fix things.
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 08, 2002 12:19 AM
After a brief reboot in which everyone is turned into giant kangaroos, and then everything is restored to normal, our story resumes.
In the lair of the Tid-D Bowl Man, the one called the one, who has been restored to life by a strange temporal paradox, and has apparently murdered her long-time rival, the Tid-D Bowl Man, realizes that she has no idea what is going on anymore. Therefore, she calls on the services of Editorial Eddie, who once again presents
WHAT HAS COME BEFORE
"In the former base of the one called the one, assorted members of the LMBP and their allies have confronted the mysterious Lucifer Lass, who, unknown to all but Non-Sequitor, is actually a strange warped clone of an alternate universe version of Eryk Davis Ester. Lucifer Lass is currently in the midst of carrying out an evil plot, initiated by her former master, the one called the one, to destroy the nads of all males. Though her plan to use the Tid-D Bowl Mans Giant Toilet of Doom to defeat the male LMBPers was thwarted by the Tid-D Bowl Man's betrayal, she still remains a powerful force, and has recently been revealed to be in possession of the head of Kent Shakespeare.
Meanwhile, the Emerald Empress was busy trying to locate the evil Turns-You-Into-a-Country Kid, who had turned Omega Man into France. Her strange dedication to Omega Man has yet to be explored.
At the same time, a group of LMBPers who had wandered off during an earlier shopping expedition, were in the midst of a strange bar that seemed oddly immune to all attempts to reboot it or write it out of existence. There they were witnessing a strange battle between two anachronistic characters, Rambo and Mike Ock (btw, my money's on Rambo beating Mike Ock).
Unknown to all, the mysterious one called the one has somehow returned to life, caught her former nemesis, the Tid-D Bowl Man by surprise, and drained him of his powers, leaving him floating in his own Toilet of Doom.
That's basically where we are folks."
Upon hearing this, the one called the one was both proud and jealous of her pupil, Lucifer Lass, for her accomplishments since the one's apparent demise. Realizing that her onetime student might be a threat to her in her still weakened-by-reboots state, she decided she should accumulate more power before returning to her palace. Such power, she surmised, might be found in the bar that Editorial Eddie referred to. If she could absorb its anti-reboot energy, she would be the most powerful character ever!
And so, she teleports to the bar, thinking that she would be there in time to separate Rambo and Mike Ock, only to find out there fight had already been interrupted by Turns-You-Into-a-Country Kid, who had turned Mike Ock into Yemen. [Yes, that's a set-up, folks.]
Meanwhile, in the palace, Lucifer Lass revealed the secret weapon which she had pulled out of the skull of Kent Shakespeare, it was none other than a Nasalfirer, Nerd-beguiler, WHATEVER!
"Is that supposed to scare us?" Lash Lad asks.
"Well, this nifty little device has been modified somewhat," Lucifer Lass says, an evil smile on her face.
Just then, Captain Lightbulb confesses that...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Blockade Boy Member August 08, 2002 12:29 PM
<<>>
So does that mean that the secret weapon used to cut the nads off the males is not Divorce Lawyer?
Well it made sense to the Science Fiction Theater crowd.
Peanuts, popcorn, raisenettes!!!
<<>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 08, 2002 12:45 PM
<>
You brought up Divorce Lawyer in the context of an interjection, so I interpreted as not in-continuity. Though, it hasn't been revealed in exactly what way the device has been modified, so...
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 09, 2002 01:32 AM
Just then, Captain Lightbulb confesses that...he's gay!
"I really, really, really, really AM!" he insists.
"Well big, fat, hairy DEAL!" Alternative-Lifestyle Lad yells in exasperation. "At least half of the guys present are! Really, man...I'm happy for ya but---WE'RE KINDA IN THE MIDDLE OF A SITUATION RIGHT NOW!!!! We'll discuss it later, 'kay?"
Non-sequitor mused, "plaid or khaki?"
">ahem<" Lucifer Girl, very annoyed, gets everyone's attention back to her. "Now, as I was saying...I have right here a Non-compliancer, Nega-Godzilla WHATEVER..."
"Yeah," Lash Lad yawned and I said: "Is that supposed to scare us?"
"Oh, yes!" Lucifer Girl cackled. "For when I press this modified version it turns into..." She paused to press the button on the device before finishing, "...a Divorce Lawyer!"
Just then the most vile, hideous creature appeared. Even the creature's thousand-dollar suit couldn't cloak its loathesome evil. The vile thing held up a document and croaked, "you are all hereby served to appear in court!"
The assembled heroes covered their eyes and made a loud "HISSS!" as if they were vampires cowering from a cross.
Then, the inhuman monstrosity added with a maggoty grin, "I'll have you ALL by the 'nads!!!"
Suddenly, faster than even the assembled heroes could involuntarily shield their 'nads, Lash Lad leaped forward bearing the head of Gary Coleman. "Okay, bitch...", he sneered, "...you showed us yours---now we'll show you OURS!"
Swiftly, Lash reached into Gary Coleman's head and pulled out............
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Bevis Member August 09, 2002 04:33 AM
... his brain. (What? What else is gonna be in their? A plot point? Feh, as if.) Throwing the wobbly grey mass of brain cells in front of him.... uhh..... (ooh, I've forgotten who's holding the head. Is it Lash? I'll go with that) Lash let out a triumphant cry as the divorce lawyer stepped forward, not noticing the brain on the floor, and his feet slipped from under him squishing the brain into little pieces and spraying the assmebled hoardes with viscera (that's a good word that).
Lucifer Girl harumphed and looked at her enemies and the divorce lawyer lying unconscious on the floor.
"You really think that little 'slipping on a discarded brain' trick is going to stop me? Millions have tried the same thing before and it's not worked yet!"
"Millions?" said Lardy "It was horrible enough just the once. I hate to think what kind of a person you are if people keep throwing brains at you."
"Ah-ha!" cackeled Lucifer Girl "that's exactly the point, because you see....."
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Kid Prime interjection: This was my first post to this thread. My ID at the DCMB at the time was optimusmagnus. I took a fairly active role in the story from this point on.
optimusmagnus New Member August 09, 2002 01:35 PM
<<<AH-HA!" see.....? you because point, the exactly ?that?s Girl Lucifer cackeled>>
"Right at this second, as all of you men in drag have been throwing tired sit-com brains in a futile attempt to circumvent the awesome power of my divorce lawyer, the true insidiousnes of my pernicious plot to rid the universe of all male genitalia has been unfolding in a place you all know as..."
Lucifer Lass paused dramatically.
"France," she chuckled deviously.
"FRANCE!?!?!?" our heroes exclaimed.
"Yes, it's true," Lucifer Lass continued. "For as long as Omega Man is France, his 'nads have incredible mystical power, and can be used in an evil spell of my design to wipe out all 'nads FOREVER!"
"S'cuse me," Captain Lightbulb interjected. "It that just straight 'nads or all 'nads? Cause if it IS just straight nads, I'd just like to point out one more time..."
"ALL.... 'NADS..... FOREVER!" bellowed Lucifer Lass. "Even now, my agent, the Emerald Empress, is combing the country, attempting to locate the mystical masculine sex organs, and when she does... ALL YOUR BALLS WILL BE MINE....."
Hey, wait a minute," Alternate-Lifestyle Lad thought out loud. "If Omega Man is France, wouldn't that make the Eiffel Tower his..."
"All right, Grrls, now that I have explained my diabolical plot in the very best James Bond arch-villain style, it's time to finish these tired drag queens *** legion rejects once and for all!!!" Lucifer Lass leapt to her feet.
"WAIT ONE DAMN MINUTE!" Faraway Lad ripped his dress and tossed it to the floor as Captain Lightbulb looked admiringly on. "Before you destroy all men everywhere, you're going to know EXACTLY what you will be depriving the universe of for all time. That's RIGHT, you're going to hop RIGHT back on that bed, get as naked as the Emerald Empress, and prepare to think TWICE about destroying THESE precious jewels!"
Faraway Lad strode forward...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 09, 2002 05:18 PM
Faraway Lad strode forward but slipped upon pieces of Gary Coleman's brain, as Lucifer Girl and her assorted cronies laughed maniacally.
"Take them to the dungeon!" she orders, and soon the males find themselves escorted to a dank, dark, creepy room, which, nonetheless, seemed like a paradise compared to the Toilet of Doom.
As they sat there, Lash Lad noticed that Lardlad seemed deep in thought. "What's up, Lardy?" he asks.
"It's all starting to make sense," Lardy replied. "When I was working for the Tid-D Bowl Man, one of the assignments he gave me was to keep an eye on the Emerald Empress. He cast a spell on me that allowed me to teleport to wherever she was, as long as she was naked."
"So, can't you just do that now and get us out of this prison cell?" Cobalt Kid asks.
"No. Something must have happened to Clothes-Fall-Off Fred, who the TDB Man sent to keep the Emerald Empress naked, so that I could home in on her."
"Well," Lash Lad says. "At least we know why she was so interested in Omega Man. But, we still don't know why he became France to begin with!"
"Oh, that was the Tid-D Bowl Man's doing, also. Realizing that the one called the one had discovered the mystical nature of Omega Man's nads, he sent Turns-You-Into-a-Country Kid to turn him into France in order to hide him from the one. Apparently, doing so must have amplified the power in his nads, and turning him to France had just made Lucifer Lass's plan easier!" Lardy explains.
"Okay, but could this Turns-You-Into-a-Country Kid change Omega Man back?" He Who Wanders asks. "That would thwart Lucifer Lass's plot!"
"Yeah, I'd guess that the Emerald Empress probably realizes this, and will try to find and kill Turns-You-Into-a-Country Kid in order to trap Omega Man as France permanently!" Lardy replies.
"Okay, so what we have to do," says the Boy with Ultra Powers, who has suddenly remembered that he is leader (or was before he resigned), "is to find a way out of here, find this Turns-You-Into-a-Country Kid, get him to change Omega Man back, get out of these drag clothes, and come back here for the big final showdown with Lucifer Lass, and kill her and all her cronies!"
"Uh... shouldn't we free the females from her control instead of killing them?" He Who Wanders asks.
"Yeah, whatever..." the Boy with Ultra Powers responds.
Just then, there's a noise outside the cell. It was...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
MLLASH Member August 09, 2002 06:21 PM
...Leap Year Lass.
"I'm here to set you free fellas! I pulled an unbrainwashing-machine out of the Divorce lawyer's ass while he was unconscious, and used it on myself. Now we can get this party started RIGHT! All I need is someone to put their ass up to the cell so I can pull a key out of it and release you all."
There was dead silence as the guys just kinda looked freaked and fidgeted. They all looked like they hoped they were invisible. But suddenly, ONE brave voice spoke up...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 09, 2002 08:03 PM
"You can use my ass!" volunteered Captain Lightbulb, upon which...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 10, 2002 01:08 AM
<"You can use my ass!" volunteered Captain Lightbulb, upon which...>
...everyone in the cell started snickering uncontrollably.
"Gawd! He's such a whore!" someone giggled from within the crowd. "We gotta fix him up with someone and get him laid when all this is over!"
So CLB bent over, and Leapy extracted the key from his ass. Soon everyone was free.
"Okay, boys," Leapy said, "I've pulled a spaceship out of the ass of Kent Shakespeare's corpse. We're leaving here right now. Our priority right now is saving Omega Man/France!"
So soon, they were rocketing through space on their way back to Earth, not knowing that there was a mysterious stowaway aboard.
Meanwhile, back at the bar outside time and space that's resistant to all reboots and galactic annihilations, the one known only as the one..............
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 10, 2002 01:25 AM
sat at the bar, knocking back one pina colada after another, listening to the sweet strains of Jimmy Buffett, contemplating life. What was this strange and wonderful place? Was it like the Wood between the Worlds, or more like the bar at the World's End? What strange and wonderful energies were here for the taking, and how many more pina coladas could the one knock back before last call? What was the name of this mystical place, anyway? The one squinted toward the entrance, trying to make out the name of the place. It said... it said...
Hypertime Bar.
That mystery solved, the one tugged at the bartender's shoulder. "Hit me again, Mark," the one said.
"Right away, toots," Mark Waid replied.
"Excuse me," a voice purred over the one's shoulder. "Is this seat taken?"
"It is now," the one who is the one smiled, and motioned for Turns-You-Into-A-Country Lad (who, oddly enough, looks just like Freddie Prinze Jr.) to sit right down. Their eyes met. Every second seemed like an eternity. Their eyes met again. TYIAC Lad cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 10, 2002 02:23 AM
...but his mouth was filled with the one known only as the one's tongue as their mouths became embroiled in a lustful tango. The two became overwhelmed with passion and soon made their way to an adjoining backroom.
Mark Waid smiled and set the jukebox to the porn ambiance selection.
...wokka-wok-wokka-woKKA-wok-WOK...
Lucien Lad, BBSea and Looks That Kill Lad could only look away in disgust.
Finally, Lucien voiced what they had all been thinking. "Blimey!" he cried. "I thought this was a flippin' gay bar! That's disgusting!"
Meanwhile, Mark Waid and Devin Grayson were gettin' it on behind the bar.
Lucien smacked his forehead at that. "Well, THAT clinches it, mates...we're off!"
Back in the backroom, as TYIAC Lad (Kid?) was about to deliver the proper finale (a la all great pornos) to the one, the Emerald Empress suddenly 'ports in. TYIAC Lad, shocked, halts for a second, then smiles as he imagines the possibilities.
But the Empress is aghast. "Mistress!" she cries in horror.
"Huh? Oh, not now, Empress," the one says annoyed.
"How can you sleep with the enemy!" the Empress cries.
The one sighs, "Well, a)we haven't been 'sleeping' at all, and b)while men in general are the enemy, they are good for something occasionally...if you get my drift!"
"Mistress...I don't mean in general at all! This is the man who you want me to kill, so he can't turn France back into Omega Man! THIS is Turns-You-Into-A-Country Lad (or is that 'Kid'?)!"
"Oh! Oh...I see," the one realised in horror. "Hmm...as soon as he finishes his...business...kill him."
Though worried about being killed, TYIAC Lad (Kid?) was more overwhelmingly relieved to...relieve...himself.
So as the relieved male finished his evening of pleasure and the one reached for a towel, the Emerald Empress revved up the Emerald Eye for the killing blast. But just as the Eye was ready to fire........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 10, 2002 04:39 PM
<<interjection>>
***And in the lair of the one called the one...
MLLASH Member July 17, 2002 01:31 AM ...the mysterious one died a horrible death when a huge chunk of the moon decimated the place!!! He was rarely heard from again! ***
Is the one called the one MALE or FEMALE??? And if the one is male, did he just have kinky gay relations with Turns-You-Into-A-Country Kid (Lad? Kid?) And if the one is male does that mean that the one's nads will be destroyed as well? Or was the one actually female all along, but masquerading as male so the one could get a higher pay scale in the villain's union? And most importamtly, was Turns-You-Into-A-Country Kid (Lad? Kid?) too drunk to notice the one was actually male (if the one is male?) Or am I thinking about this way too much...
Waiting with bated breath for the next installment...
<<end interjection>>
[ October 14, 2003, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: Nightcrawler ]
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 10, 2002 10:58 PM
<>
I've always assumed that the one was female, as she was originally introduced as being behind a plot to expel the boy Legionnaires (which has since evolved into a plot to destroy all nads), and typically villains who are behind that are female. Any references to the one being male are errors in the chronicles, or else hypertime flux thingies. Remember, there was some confusion over Lucifer Girl's sex for awhile too. With all these reboots, though, who can keep silly things like gender straight, even if they are important to the plot of this story?
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Blockade Boy Member August 10, 2002 11:10 PM
<<>>
Personaly I'm using EDE's Cliffs Notes.
It's all a bit above my head sometimes but tongues were definately involved.
Supposedly an animated version is in the works. I hope it comes out before the final exam.
<<>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 10, 2002 11:54 PM
But just as the eye was ready to fire, in walks Darth Larder.
"I have news, my mistress!" he says to the one called the one.
"What!!! He is the hated servant of your great enemy, the Tid-D Bowl Man! We must kill him!" the Empress exclaims.
"No! Darth Larder now serves me!" replies the one.
"But he's a man!"
"Well, actually he's a clone of Lardlad who the TDB Man created while Lardlad was working for him. Thanks to the cloning process, he's already sterile, so we don't have to worry about him."
This explanation satisfied the Empress. Meanwhile, Turns-You-Into-a-Country Kid had crawled into Yemen, and was hiding in Mike Ock.
"Now," the one says, "What is this news you wanted to tell me?"
Darth Larder replies, in his high-pitched voice...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 11, 2002 12:20 AM
"The male heroes are on their way to save Omega Man/France. Unbeknownst to them, I had stowed away aboard their spaceship and heard everything! I used my power to 'port here well ahead of them."
"They've escaped from my protege Lucifer Girl?" the one asked.
"Yes, ma'am," Darth Larder replied, "Leap Year Lass has been freed from Lucifer Girl's thrall, and she in turn freed all the males."
"And what is their plan?" the one asked.
"They plan to find Turns-You-Into-A-Country Kid and get him to turn France back into Omega Man!"
"D'oh!" cried the one. "He was right here and he got away because YOU appeared and distracted us!" The one's rage was obvious.
"M-mistress?" sobbed Larder.
"Kill him, Empress!" the one yelled.
"Gladly!" delighted the Empress, and with a <FAAAAAAAAASSSSSH!!!. Darth Larder was disintegrated. As he died, the 'nads-less abomination made a whimper that sounded like "mommy!"
"Now," the one said, "we must find TYIAC Lad before they do and destroy him! Can the eye find him?"
"Yes...the Eye senses him in Yemen."
"To Yemen, then!" the one shouted in a commanding tone. And in a green flash, they both dissappeared.
When they arrived in Yemen/Mike Ock, the pair were surprised to see.........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 11, 2002 01:29 AM
<<>>
quote:
Originally by Blockade Boy:
Supposedly an animated version is in the works. I hope it comes out before the final exam.
Yeah, can't wait for that one---especially when they do that big porno scene we just had!
<<>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 11, 2002 01:38 AM
<<>>
I was ON THE FLOOR during the porno scene. When I had TYIAC Lad (Kid? Lad?) come on to the one called the one, I didn't expect you to run with it like that but I'm totally glad you did. BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!
<<>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 11, 2002 01:53 AM
<<>>
quote:
Originally by optimusmagnus: I was ON THE FLOOR during the porno scene. When I had TYIAC Lad (Kid? Lad?) come on to the one called the one, I didn't expect you to run with it like that but I'm totally glad you did. BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!
Glad to be of service, mate! God bless America and what-not!
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 11, 2002 01:56 AM
<<>>
Oh, btw optimusmagnus, what exactly were you DOING on the floor during the 'porno scene'...hmmm?
;-)
<<>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 11, 2002 02:09 AM
Carnie Wilson, who was sucking on a ding dong while she attempted to down immeasurable quantities of corn nuts. "Oh HI, you guys," she delightedly squealed as she waddled over. "What a COINCIDENCE! Lucifer Lass had just sent me on a very important mission, but I was just STARVING, so I had to stop here in Yemen on my way to Bialya to grab some Ho-Hos, corn nuts, and a Diet Dr. Pepper. Well, they didn't have any Ho-Hos, so I had to get this packet of ding-dongs. Yemen smells different from the last time I was here, I wonder what's changed. Anyway. Like I was saying, it's really good that I ran into you ladies, because, as Lucifer Lass was just saying..."
"What IS that infernal smell?" the one wondered.
The Emerald Empress's eyes widened in horror. "It's the CORN NUTS!!!!!"
"Quick, you fool," the one hysterically demanded, "Dispose of them!"
"You got it," the empress replied. However, as she was busying herself using the eye to turn the offending corn nuts into green oreos, Turns-You-Into-A-Country Kid (lad?) jumped out of nowhere, leaping onto Carnie Wilson's back. "You'll never catch me, Empress!" he laughed maniacally. He then transformed Carnie Wilson into an as-yet unnamed country, riding her to relative safety, as her transformation instantaneously teleported him to whatever piece of real estate she then became.
The one called the one screamed frustratedly and repeatedly, as the United Arab Emirates looked on (TYIAC Kid had only just changed them back.) Meanwhile, in Omega Man/France...
Only Devin knows for sure... :-)
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 11, 2002 02:24 AM
...a new player arrived on the scene, a man known only as optimusmagnus. Only he knew what his mysterious motives were. But two thing's are for sure: 1) this mysterious figure, whose loyalties are only known to himself, will play a large part in our story, and 2) his name seems really pretentious, what with the combining of two names ending with "us" and the absence of any capitals.
Meanwhile, the Emerald Eye tracked TYIAC Lad (Kid?) to Turkey a.k.a. Carnie Wilson. The Empress and the one arrived there just in time to see..........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Blockade Boy Member August 11, 2002 02:02 PM
The Empress and the one arrived there just in time to see.......... >
Turkey, aka Carnie Wilson, covered by Greece while Chile looked on.
Unphased, they...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 11, 2002 04:47 PM
<>
Took a moment to consider whether they really should have taken all those hallucinogenic drugs at the Hypertime Bar. They continued on...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 12, 2002 12:37 AM
...but ultimately decided to take a break and have some hot Lesbian sex!
Meanwhile, aboard the spaceship---carrying all those male heroes (and Leap Year Lass) who hope to reach Earth, find TYIAC Lad (Kid?) and have him restore Omega Man/France---which seems to be taking forever to get here............
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 12, 2002 12:50 AM
Beagle Boy has just noticed that they're out of fuel!
The male heroes (plus Leap Year Lass) are stuck drifting in space, when suddenly, they see another craft approaching...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 12, 2002 01:10 AM
...bearing a pitchfork symbol, the insignia of Lucifer Girl.
"Dammit!" Eryk Davis Ester swore. "They've caught up to us! Sunnuva---!"
But instead of attacking, the craft flashes an elaborate series of messages in Morse Code.
Leap Year Lass, who wasn't proficient in Morse Code but pulled a guide to it out of Non-sequitor's ass, interpreted the message.
"Hey, fellas," she laughed, "it's not Lucifer Girl or her cronies in there; it's a friendly! In fact some of you may recognize the name of the person aboard. It's........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Bevis Member August 12, 2002 03:58 AM
*interlude*
Hang on a second, when did I turn into a comic cockney? And I thought Lucien Lad, BBC and Lash were all with everyone during the brain throwing scene, weren't we? Or had we been in the Hypertime Bar all along? ooh, I'm getting very confused.
*end interlude*
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 12, 2002 09:56 AM
<>
Well, Lucien Lad, BBSeahorse, and Looks That Kill Lad were in the Hypertime Bar. Lash Lad was with the group in the citadel of Lucifer Girl.
But the question is, how did I get aboard the ship? I wasn't in the story thus far...
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 12, 2002 10:51 AM
<<< interlude >>>
Maybe it's zero hour.
<<< end interlude >>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 12, 2002 11:14 AM
<<>>
Antiquated-Form-Of-Communication Girl! I only had time to free one other female legionnaire from Lucifer Lass's brainwashing, and, well... hell, she was the only one handy. I know she's not much for powers, but..."
The general consensus among the male heroes was that they didn't mind her lack of useful powers, since the fact that she looked EXACTLY like Catherine Zeta-Jones more than made up for that. Besides, who knows when a specialist in all forms of communication that aren't in use anymore might come in handy!
Light Year Lass continued, "I'm signalling Antiquated-Form-Of-Communicstion Girl to pull up alongside our 'craft, so we can board and continue on our way in her ship. You'll have to excuse Lucifer Lass's decor: the whips, the chains, the red velvet cushions..."
"Oh, we don't mind!!!" Lash Lad exclaimed.
"Yeah, we don't mind," Everyone else chorused.
Meanwhile, at that moment, in Turkey/ Carnie, the one called the one and the empress were continuing their funky voyage on the sea of lesbian love (Vi and Ayla, are you watching?). The empress had just removed her very last garter belt and was lying on the sands of Turkey Beach completely naked, when...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 12, 2002 11:19 AM
Leap Year Lass continued: "In fact some of you may recognize the name of the person aboard. It's Eryk Davis Ester!"
"But wait, aren't you Eryk Davis Ester?" Cobalt Kid said, turning to the person who'd sworn in the previous post.
"F*ck yeah! That sh*thead must be an imposter!"
"Hmm," Lash Lad thought. "Something mysterious is going on here. Why would Potty-Mouth Master have lied when he claimed that his real name was Eryk Davis Ester? And if he is EDE, then why would that person in that ship out there be claiming to be him? Maybe this really is a trick by Lucifer Lass? But why would she pretend to be Potty-Mouth Master, when she knows that he's onboard the ship, and isn't really a very important character anyway?"
Then came another message from the ship, which told them...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 12, 2002 11:24 AM
<>
Time for cross-posting correction. The first message from the ship tells them that EDE is aboard. The second message tells them that Antiquated-Forms-of-Communication Lass is also aboard, and then they decided to pull up next to the ship and let AFoC Lass and the Second EDE on board. Then we segue back the one and the Empress.
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 12, 2002 11:28 AM
<>
Oh, and by the way, om. That's a rocking way of moving the story forward, by getting the Emerald Empress naked. You're pretty darn good at this!"
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 12, 2002 11:30 AM
<>
And isn't it cool how we both inadvertantly changed Lucifer Girl's name to the more alliterative Lucifer Lass?
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 12, 2002 11:40 AM
<<< interlude >>>
Thanks. I love making good plot. You're pretty excellent yourself. And I quite agree, Lucifer Lass just WORKS. Now if we could just figure out if it's Turns-You-Into-A-Country Lad or Kid, even though that's turned into a joke in and of itself. And who would have thought the one would wind up with such a rampaging libido?
<<< end interlude>>>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 12, 2002 12:46 PM
The empress had just removed her very last garter belt and was lying on the sands of Turkey Beach completely naked, when...
Parallax (a.k.a. Hal Jordan/Spectre/Donna Troy/Foodmaker Kid/Jar Jar Binx), who had just finished making a nice souffle, heard the rancorous beeping of his cross-reality divergence warning alarm. Rushing to it, he thought, "Oh, sh#*, I hope there's not a major time-reality warping problem to deal with! I'm really hungry, my souffle's getting cold, and American Idol is getting ready to come on in 5 minutes!" However, upon arriving at the cross-reality divergence warning alarm, he was relieved to see that a major divergence event was narrowly averted by the serendipitous placing of a second signal from Lucifer Lass's ship in EDE's post. Glad to see that problem was solved, Parallax turned to his souffle.
And to make this thread even MORE needlessly complex, let's see what's going on over in the Hypertime Bar...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 12, 2002 02:21 PM
<>
Just wanted to point out that when I said "Lucifer Lass's ship" I wasn't implying that Lucifer Lass was aboard (though she MIGHT be, that hasn't been established yet, but I think looking back on previous posts I know where EDE is going with this), only that the ship was originally owned by LL.
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 12, 2002 10:30 PM
...And over in the Hypertime Bar, Poverty Lad finally emerged from the bathroom, to find Lucien Lad, BBSeahorse, and Looks That Kill Lad had left. He had a tremendous headache, and his memory was kind of fuzzy.
He went over and sat next to Sly Stallone, who had changed from his Rambo outfit to Rocky, complete with bruises from his struggle with Mike Ock.
The two sat and enjoyed a drink together, when suddenly the lights flickered.
Mark Waid said, "Don't tell someone has imploded the universe again! That hasn't happened for over a page! At least were safe here!"
But no, they soon discovered. The universe hadn't imploded. Instead, they discovered, someone was trying to drain the mystical power of the Hypertime Bar. It was...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 14, 2002 12:21 AM
...Pornis and his assistants, Felice Acio and Khan E. Lingus! The trio strolled in (well, techinically, Pornis wasn't walking...but we won't go into any specifics...).
Pornis as a one-eyed monster without any arms or legs. His one eye was the only distinctive feature on his head. At the base of the serpentine-like creature were two large bulbous objects that seemed to throb with power. Everyone seemed to fear those most of all.
Pornis was mute, so Felice and Khan did all the talking for him. Felice and Khan were as close to human perfection as can be for their respective sexes. However, they did have abnormally large mouths and long, long tongues that would put Gene Simmons to shame!
Finally, Felice broke the silence, "surrender, now! We are here to steal the device that makes this bar resistant to all universal reboots and destructions!"
"Mark Waid!" Khan commanded. "Where is the device?"
"I---I.." Waid stammered.
"Master Pornis?" Felice said with a smile.
In response, Pornis shot a white, viscous fluid from his eye that stuck Waid tightly to the wall. The others just sort of cowered behind the jukebox.
"Now," Khan laughed, "where is it? or would you like another in your mou-"
"NOOOOO!" Waid screamed. "Don't! It's in---it's in Devin's bra!"
"Ha!" Khan sneered. "I thought you'd have a more clever place for it than that! I mean, EVeryone has access to her bra! I guess she uses it to help stuff them..."
Mark Waid sobbed for his moomy.
Deftly, Khan extracted the device from Devin's bra with his long, prehensile tongue.
"Thank you very much!" Felice mocked. "Seeya around!"
But before Pornis exited, he fired another shot at the cowering Sly and Pov and left them stuck to the wall as well. And as an afterthought, Pornis motioned for his servants to bring Devin along. He had plans for her.
"Toodles!" Felice said to the stranded men as the foursome left.
"Gawd!" Pov whimpered. "I sure hope Bevis, Paul and Brian come back soon! Something tells me we're gonna be stuck here a long time otherwise!"
Meanwhile, as Lardlad looked longingly at the voluptuous Antiquated-Form-Of-Communication Girl aboard the luxury cruiser, his eyes suddenly rolled to the back of his head. After a few moments, he snapped out of it and yelled at the top of his lungs, "the Emerald Empress is naked!!!"
"Huh?" said all present roused from their luxuriant party atmosphere.
"I sense that the Empress is naked! That means I can 'port us all to wherever she is right now!"
Everyone started murmuring things like, "can it wait 'til tomorrow?" But Lardy was transfixed and 'ported them directly to where the Empress and the one called the one lay in total postcoital bliss. As soon as they arrived.........
Posted by Kid Prime on :
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 14, 2002 11:56 PM
As soon as they arrived, Potty-Mouth Master screamed, "Ahhh, sh*t!!" as the universe whited out and was replaced by a reality in which Pornis was the master of everything.
In this reality, a small band of rebels led by Gary Coleman, Non-Sequitor, and a miniature "Mini-me" style clone of Eryk Davis Ester...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
LARDLAD Member August 15, 2002 12:50 AM
...were taking a break from rebelling by engaging in--- hot THREE-WAY GAY SEX!
<>>
What can I say? Equal time and what-not! I mean, we've had hot HETERO SEX! and hot LESBIAN SEX! already!
BTW, Erik, this is no comment on your sexual habits. Remember this is a mini-me CLONE of EDH! Sometimes clones go awry after all! Ask Spider-man!
<<>>
Anyway, after the three had rested from their hot THREE-WAY GAY SEX!, the trio decided to make their move.......
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 15, 2002 02:17 AM
<>
Yes it's true, true believers! For the next four months, all your favorite LMBP titles, including "Sassy Leap Year Lass," "Lucifer Lass Presents," and the top selling "League of Men in Drag" are no more. Finished. Kaput. Enter.... THE AGE OF A-PORNIS-LYPSE!!! Will LYL still pull whatever she needs out of the closest ass? Will Captain Lightbulb finally achieve his desire for hot gay buttsex? Will Lucifer Lass actually be fighting on the side of the 'nads? And who is the mysterious figure carrying within him the keys to return to the true, core reality? Will Pornis find him before anyone else and seal the phallic fate of the Universe forever? And where are the seven missing Dragonballs? Find out in the new titles!
<>
Posted by Kid Prime on :
optimusmagnus New Member August 15, 2002 02:27 AM
hot THREE-WAY GAY SEX!, the trio decided to make their move.......>
Brushing the leaves, dirt, and... other substances from their hair, the Legionnaires 3 got up.
Gary Coleman said, "whatchu talkin' bout, fool? Shoot! I know one thing and one thing only! My name is Gary Coleman. You killed my white daddy, Mr. Drummond. Prepare to die!"
Non-Sequitor looked up and said, "Wait! We didn't kill your father! It's later ON you'll find that bother!!!"
"Oh, sorry..." the little sitcom freak blushed. "I guess I get carried away sometimes, NS."
"Inconcievable..." muttered the mini-me clone of EDE...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
The end?
It was at that point that Rob K clamped down on the thread, sealing its fate for all time. Ah well. It had a grand and glorious run back in the summer of 2002.
Next: The DOOM of the Super-Heroes! (The sequel to Hot Summer Nights) Posted by DrakeB3003 on :
Holy fucking falling off the wagon Batman! Talk about blowing your load -- 12 pages?!?! wow....
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
This by far one of the best tag threads I've ever read. Talk about hysterical! So many things were funny, but TYIAC Kid giving the One known as the One a facial, now that was funny!
Posted by Vee on :
Hey! No spoilers CK! I'm still reading it! Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Uh, I meant, uh, nothing like that happened at all!
Posted by Vee on :
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester, Deputy Ambassador on :
quote:Originally posted by DrakeB3003: Holy fucking falling off the wagon Batman! Talk about blowing your load -- 12 pages?!?! wow....
Actually, I think the "Super-Jailhouse" is up to more than 12 if one puts the whole thing together. Of course, it ended, and "HSN" shows no signs of doing so...
Posted by LARDLAD on :
Do you think we should finish it? Or would doing that somehow taint its sacred aura?
I, for one, would like us to, but we can vote on it.
And, of course, we would need one of EDE's patented summaries first!
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester, Deputy Ambassador on :
The question is: Can we recapture the magic?
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Recapture the magic? Of course you boys can!
At least take a stab at getting back into the swing of things over in the Ongoing LMB tag thread. I figured you two would definately be up for adding your infamous tag team flair over there, so go and work in those old creative muscles. Hop in and let the maddness role!
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester, Deputy Ambassador on :
We'll have to wait until "DotSH" gets posted so we make sure we don't screw up any continuity!
We'll have to work up to the big final showdown with the One, and the casting of the spell that turns her into Lisp Lass (including Blok the Rock's heroic sacrifice), and the key role that optimusmagnus/Kid Prime plays in her defeat...
Posted by Kid Prime on :
I would have to vote no, as if HSN WERE to be resurrected, I would not be able to resist its inexorable lure (as I have some ownership in the latter part of the thread,) and I'm still on my posting-sabbatical, damnit!!!
Oh, I'm going to post DOOM of the Super-Heroes (The Hot Summer Nights sequel) tomorrow. Posted by Vee on :
KP, do YOU have "Omega Man Gambit" also?
Posted by Kid Prime on :
I wish I did, V. Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
I love this story!
Posted by Lard Lad on :
quote:Originally posted by Kid Prime: Bevis Member August 09, 2002 04:33 AM
... his brain. (What? What else is gonna be in their? A plot point? Feh, as if.) Throwing the wobbly grey mass of brain cells in front of him.... uhh..... (ooh, I've forgotten who's holding the head. Is it Lash? I'll go with that) Lash let out a triumphant cry as the divorce lawyer stepped forward, not noticing the brain on the floor, and his feet slipped from under him squishing the brain into little pieces and spraying the assmebled hoardes with viscera (that's a good word that).
Lucifer Girl harumphed and looked at her enemies and the divorce lawyer lying unconscious on the floor.
"You really think that little 'slipping on a discarded brain' trick is going to stop me? Millions have tried the same thing before and it's not worked yet!"
"Millions?" said Lardy "It was horrible enough just the once. I hate to think what kind of a person you are if people keep throwing brains at you."
"Ah-ha!" cackeled Lucifer Girl "that's exactly the point, because you see....."
I just reread this entire, classic thread tonight (thanks to its mysterious appearance in "Recent Visitors" courtesy of an unlogged user), and this was my biggest LOL moment! Absolutely priceless, Bevis! Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
Re-read 'Doom of the Super-Heroes' Lardy! I've read both threads a few times and you know what? I think Doom might be even just a little bit better! Not to imply HSN is anything other than pure brillance, of course!
Posted by lancesrealm on :
I still think this was one of the best threads ever. I have to print it off and read it in the bathroom because it makes me laugh till I pee.
I'm glad the real universe doesn't get destroyed this often. Or, possibly, maybe it does...
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
I wasn't around when this tag thread was created and its still one of my favorites. Same with its sequel, Doom of the Super-Heroes.
Posted by MLLASH on :
I think I am going to re-read this right now...
Posted by MLLASH on :
Wow. Other than starting the story off with Teeds getting ready for a date, I have next-to-no memory of the rest... I guess the scene where Space Tart adopts the pulling out of ass powers comes in the sequel?
Posted by Dave Hackett on :
Page 10 or 11 of this made my employer's automated webwasher lock me out of Legionworld for most of the afternoon.
It was worth it.
Posted by MLLASH on :
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Looking back, I'm amazed we got as far as we did on the old DCMBs!
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