*full-page splash; featuring Tenzil stirring a cauldron while Taryn, Lester, Tiff, Big Toes, Questar & Plant Lad cheer him on*
Taryn: COOK, Tenzil, cook! Your chili has to taste better than the chili of these space-rednecks, or WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!!
caption: Can you measure a hero in chili powder and cumin, gentle reader? There are those who say you can! And we, the writers of MEL:TS, firmly agree with them and think the rest of you are stupid for disagreeing!
For in this tale of tragedy and triumph, Bismollian Senator Tenzil Kem has found himself engaged in a duel for his honor, and duel for his life... a duel that will come to be known as "The Super-Chili Cookoff... of Space! And DEATH!!"
And just what ingredients are used in Bismollian chili? Good question... turn the page and let's find out together!
(What's that, Eryk? Oh, okay.) Eryk says he doesn't think you are stupid for disagreeing with him. What a brown-noser! Anyhoo, quit reading this & turn the page, stupid!
Eryk Davis Ester
Created from the Cosmic Legends of the Universe!
posted
PAGE 2
Panel 1
caption: 15 years earlier...
*The Kem family are in their hovercar*
Young Tenzil: Are we there yet? I can't wait!
Ma Kem (handing Tenz a toy): We'll be there soon enough, Tenz! Here... play with Mr. Jenkies until we get there!
Panel 2
*Young Renkil grabs Mr. Jenkies from Tenzil and bites his head off*
Tenzil: Mommy! Renkil's eating Mr. Jenkies!
Panel 3
Pa Kem: Pipe down back there! You need to learn to share your toys with Renkil, boy, on account of I can't afford to buy toys for the both of ya!
Panel 4
*Tenzil mopes in the back seat as Renkil consumes the rest of Mr. Jenkies*
Panel 5
*The Kem's arrive at their destination, a quaint but friendly looking little house in the country; Tenz is the first out of the car running to meet a sweet elderly lady standing in front of the house*
Tenz: Grandma!
Panel 6
*As the rest of the family gets out of the car, Tenz is hugging Grandma Kem*
Grandma Kem: Tenzil! It's good to see you! Why, you're just in time to help me make my super-secret chilli recipe!
Tenzil: Yay!
From: Liberty City | Registered: Jul 2003
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Granny: ...and with just a little tweak of the ingredients, this type of chili can make a humanoid sentient comatose for 6 hours!
Tenzil: WOW, Grandma! You sure do know a lot about chili!
Panel 2
Granny: And now, so do you.
Tenzil: Which kind of chili are we having, Grandma? The coma-chili? The truth-serum chili? Or one of those other kinds?
Panel 3
*Granny rustling his hair*
Granny: You little scamp! We're going to have good old-fashioned Bismollian No-Alarm chili tonight! Those other recipes I only used during my days with the Bismoll Vice. But remember, Tenzil... those recipes are OUR secret. OUR secret...
Panel 4
*panel is nothing but smoke*
caption: ...OUR secret...
Panel 5
*smoke has cleared, revealing Tenzil stirring a cauldron*
Eryk Davis Ester
Created from the Cosmic Legends of the Universe!
posted
PAGE 4
*Scene pulls back and you can see more of the gang surrounding Tenzil*
Tenzil: Our... secret...
Noyd: You okay, man? You kind of spaced out there for a second!
Panel 2
Tenzil: Sorry, I was just having a clever and heartwarming flashback! Now, as I was saying, I need you guys to recover the five secret ingredients I need for the chili.
Panel 3
Tenzil: I have written each of the ingredients to Grandma Kem's special "fatal" chili on one of these pieces of paper. Now go! To the super-markets of space! Find the fatal five ingredients!
Panel 4
Questar: So... shall we work together on this noble quest, oh beauteous one?
Taryn: *Sigh*, I guess so.
Panel 5
*Shows the gang each going their separate ways (Taryn teamed with Questar; Lester, Tiffany, Noyd, and Big Toes each by themselves)
From: Liberty City | Registered: Jul 2003
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Lester thought caption: I guess this is technically all my fault, because everyone's trying to help me get de-fatassed, but this still SUCKS!
Panel 2
*Lester approaching Western-ish general store*
Lester caption: At least I've sort-of gotten used to this new frame of mine... I can get around better...
Panel 3
*Lester struggles to get through door*
Lester caption: STUPID!!
Panel 4
*approaches counter*
Lester caption: That Questar is cute, but what a DRIP! I'm glad he seems to like Taryn and not me! Plant Lad's real cute, but those weird tattoos freak me out! Plus Daddy would just DIE if I brought home a rebel space-rocker!
Panel 5
*standing at counter*
Lester caption: I hate to admit it, but that Jo-Don is SO handsome... GOD, I love skinny-assed cowboys...! *dreamy sigh*
Elderly cowboy clerk: C'n ah help ya, Tubby?
Panel 6
Lester caption: No time to think about hunks right now, though... I've got a mission!
Lester: Yes. I'm looking for a lock of Magician's hair, please. What aisle might I find that on?
Lester: That's impossible! I've never not had money before... even when Daddy cut me off and sent me to Bismoll, I always seemed to have money when I needed it... it's this STUPID fat body! It's completely messed me UP!
Panel 2
Clerk: Boo hoo, yer breakin' my heart, Chubby. But locks o' magician's hair tain't easy to come by, and they tain't free.
Panel 3
Lester: But-- I HAVE to have it, my friend's life and honor depends on it!
Panel 4
Clerk *with a naughty gleam in his eye*: Well then, Biggy... we'd best be comin' to an unnerstandin' then.
Eryk Davis Ester
Created from the Cosmic Legends of the Universe!
posted
PAGE 8
Panel 1
caption: Soon...
*Lester leaving store, with magician's hair in tow*
Lester: I can't believe that stupid clerk made me arm-wrestle him for the magician's hair! I wonder how the others are doing?
Panel 2
caption: NOYD ECHAD, PLANT LAD.
Noyd thoughts: Man, that Tiffany girl is a-ok! Too bad she digs Tenzil so much...
Panel 3
Noyd thoughts: Taryn's cute, too, but she's kind of got an attitude...
Panel 4
Noyd thoughts: Oh, well... better stop thinking about girls and get back to the mission at hand. Now just where would I find a bottle of Deltwan Whiskey around here?
Panel 5
*Noyd spies Space-Saloon*
Noyd's thoughts: Looks promising...
Panel 6
*Shot of Noyd entering through the saloon doors...*
From: Liberty City | Registered: Jul 2003
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patron: Awww, lookit the boy's SWEET li'l TAT-toos.
patron: An' his purdy shiny hair!
patron: We don't like YER type in here, Greenie!
Noyd caption: Oh, I already figured this would happen.
Panel 2
*Noyd whips out space-guitar*
Noyd caption: So I came prepared!
Panel 3
*Noyd strumming & singing*
Noyd: Tain't nothing worse than when yer woman Gets all mad at you pops you in the face with a skillet And beats you black and blue
But it's all good 'cause Once you bring her flowers she's happy
And then she shows you just how sweet and loving she can be...
Panel 4
Noyd singing: Making-up loving It's the best kind Making-up loving She's treating you fine
So let her get mad In fact, help her if you can 'Cause that making-up loving It's the hottest loving in the land!
Panel 5
*cowboys clapping, cheering, some are crying*
patron: It's SO true!
patron: You ROCK, stranger!
patron: Encore!
Panel 6
Noyd: For my next number, I thought we'd have us a little hoe-down. I call this song "My Woman Drank up all my Silverale and Ran Off With The Space-Milkman!"
Eryk Davis Ester
Created from the Cosmic Legends of the Universe!
posted
Panel 10
Panel 1
Noyd (singing): I got off work in the space-mine, Came home 'bout a quarter past nine, And I thought there was somethin' funny, I got no answer when I called for my honey.
So I opened up the space-fridge, And soon I was about to hemorrhage, Cause in the fridge there was nothing to drink, Just an empty bottle in the kitchen sink
Panel 2
Oh, my woman drank up all my Silverale And she ran off with the space-milkman I shoulda known better than to trust her When she couldn't even use a space duster
Oh, my woman drank up all my Silverale And she ran off with the space-milkman, I think I could put up with their ilk, But I don't even have no milk
Panel 3
*applause from the patrons*
Noyd: Thank you, thank you! It's a work in progress...
Patron: That was SO moving...
Patron: My third wife left ME for a space-milkman...
Panel 4
*Noyd approaches the bar*
Bartender: What'll it be? It's on the house...
Noyd: Do you have a bottle of Deltwan Whiskey?
Panel 5
Bartender: Sure thing. Shall I pour you a glass?
Noyd: Actually, what I really want is the bottle, not the whiskey...
[ July 25, 2004, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Eryk Davis Ester ]
From: Liberty City | Registered: Jul 2003
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Eryk Davis Ester
Created from the Cosmic Legends of the Universe!
posted
PAGE 12
Panel 1
Worker: Magic Shoes? What in tarnation?
Tiffany: Please sir, it's very important!
Panel 2
Worker: Look... I can make you a nice set of Cowgirl boots that'll be heck of a lot more practical than those fancy numbers you've got on now. But I don't know anything 'bout no magic. You'd have to talk to ol' Crazy Ernie about that.
Panel 3
Tiff: Crazy Ernie?
Worker: He's a hermit lives up by Kattletock Canyon. They say he dabbles in strange potions and enchantments, and he'll bewitch ya if you ain't careful. Say... you ain't from around here?
Panel 4
Tiff: No, sir. Can't you do something to help me? I really, really need the print from a magic shoe!
Worker: Well, I reckon I could lead you up to where Crazy Ernie lives. I'd sure hate to hear of a purdy young fillie like you get bitten by one them kattletocks.
Panel 5
Tiff: Thank you so much! Imagine such a handsome fellow protecting me from the dangerous kattletocks! I'm so honored!
Panel 6
*Worker hangs sign on door that reads "Back in 30 codracks*
Worker: I'll just close up shop here for a few codracks.
Tiffany: I'll certainly pay you for your time!
[ July 26, 2004, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: Eryk Davis Ester ]
From: Liberty City | Registered: Jul 2003
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Worker: PAY me? I won't hear nothin' OF it, little missy! Whut kinda cowboy would I be if I didn't assist a damsel in distress?
Panel 2
Tiffany: YOU, sir, are a true gentleman! What is your name, if I may be so bold?
Panel 3
Worker: Shucks, ma'am, I reckon you can be as bold as you like with me! M'name's Trav-us, but folks around here call me "Snakeyes" on account of muh store and whatnot.
Panel 4
Tiffany: Oh, you are FAR too handsome to be called "Snakeyes", Trav-us.
Trav-us: *all goofy-like* Awwww, shucks, ma'am!
Panel 5
Trav-us: Well, this here's my horseaphant. You ever ridden before, ma'am?
Tiffany: I'm afraid not, Trav-us... and please, call me Tiffany.
Panel 6
Trav-us: Yes ma'am, Miss Tiffany. Now don't ya'll worry none, I've been ridin' horsephants since I was knee-high to a burr-whacker.
Tiffany: Oh, I feel VERY safe with you, Trav-us!
Panel 7
Trav-us: Let me help you hop up on ol' Jiggles here...
Eryk Davis Ester
Created from the Cosmic Legends of the Universe!
posted
PAGE 14
Panel 1
*Trav-us and Tiff on the horsephant*
caption: Soon, Trav-us and Tiffany make there way up Kattletock Canyon...
Trav-us: Ol' Jiggles here, he's a mighty fine steed. He don't get spooked by the sound of the kattletocks like most would.
Panel 2
*"Tock"-ing noises coming from the bushes alongside the trail*
Tiffany: *Gasp*! That sound! Is that...?
Trav-us: Yup. But we don't got much to worry about as long as we stay up on ol' Jiggles. Usually them kattletocks won't attack a full grown horsephant.
Panel 3
caption: Shortly...
Trav-us: Well, that's ol' Crazy Ernie's shack up ahead.
Tiffany: Wow! It looks... so... run-down...
Panel 4
*A bright flash startles Jiggles, who raises his front legs high in the air, almost throwing Trav-us and Tiffany off*
Off-panel voice: Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!
Panel 5
*Trav-us falls off Jiggles, taking Tiffany with him, as some sort of laser fire streaks through the air*
Off-panel voice: Ya come lookin' for my gold, eh! I'll show you what for, strangers!
Panel 6
*Trav-us and Tiffany are behind some kind of cover, like a big rock or something*
Trav-us: Now Ernie! Calm down! It's Trav-us! You know me! And you know laser weapons ain't legal on Sexat!
Tiffany (pulling at Trav-us's arm and pointing at something): Uh... Trav-us... those kattletocks... what exactly do they look like?
Panel 7
*Close-up on kattletock, preparing to strike*
From: Liberty City | Registered: Jul 2003
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Trav-us: A kattletock! Look OUT, Miss Tiffany ma'am!
*leaps over her protectively*
Panel 2
*the kattletock strikes Trav*
Trav-us: Arrrrgh!
Tiff: TRAV-US!!
Panel 3
Off-panel voice: HEhehehehehehehe!!
Tiffany: C... Crazy Ernie...?
Panel 4
*a laser blasts the kattletock to pieces*
Off-panel voice: I ain't the crazy one-- you sure didn't catch ME coming up to Kattletock Canyon unprotected!
panel 5
*Tiffany rises from behind rock*
Tiffany: My new friend is possible dying and I need the print from an enchanted shoe for a chili recipe to keep my other friend from possibly being killed!
Panel 6
*Tiff arches back, sticks out chest*
Tiffany: And I don't know what to do about either situation, because, well... I'm just a girl...
panel 7
*bending over*
Tiffany: ...a girl who would do ANYTHING... ANYTHING!! ...to help her friends out of a jam...
panel 8
Tiffany: So PLEASE, Mister Crazy Ernie... won't you help me...?
Panel 9
*a pair of shoes is thrown from off-panel to the ground in front of Tiffany*
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