posted
“Atheet thrtree athoola effelthrat!” screamed Lego-lass suddenly, to the surprise of the foursome. Expecting an attack they went into a defensive circle, but nothing happened.
“Was that some kind of Elfish curse, or alarm call?” asked Sonnie.
“No,” came the reply, “I jutht bit my tongue and it thuching hurtth!”
“So, what the hell are you doing here, protecting this beast? And where’s Rody?” asked Harbi restlessly.
“I admire it’th purity, it’th thenthe of thurvival; unclouded by conscienth, remorsth, or deluthionth of morality,” thaid Lego-lath. “But I’ve got no idea who or what Rody is.”
“Rubbish,” said Harbi.
“Okay, okay, you’re right about the first bit,” said Lego-lass, caving in to Harbis Paddington-hard-stare. “I heard the legend of this red dragon who lives underground and sits on golden eggs the size of small children, and I thought I’d help relieve it of some of its hoarde. ”
Numf wandered around, watching the twitching blocks of Elfish Lego in amazement. He picked up a piece to examine. Picking up on what was being said he asked, “So, you’re not actually on Kaants side then?”
“Not at all, I have come to make my fortune,” replied Lego-lass.
“So why the crap plastic arrow?” asked Sonnie rubbing his head once more.
“Well, I thought that you might be here for the same purpose. And normally I just have to threaten and people run away. I didn’t realise that they were quite so useless.”
“Well we’re here to rescue our friend. But if there are golden eggs going……” said Numf, getting a greedy glint in his eye.
“We’ll still just rescue Rody and get the hell out of here,” said Harbi, training that Paddington-hard-stare Numfs way. Numf looked away.
The lego blocks seemed to be re-forming themselves, converging slowly from the corners to which they had been thrown. Some of them were having a hard time getting back up the grating stairs, and were constantly falling through the gaps.
“Harbi……..” started Numf.
“We don’t have time Numf, we’ve got to go,” replied Harbi.
So saying she led the way.
“what about me?” came a small pleading voice from behind them where Sonnie had deposited Lego-lasses head.
“We’ll pick you up on the way back if we can, but right now we’re in a hurry,” shouted Sonnie back along the walkway.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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They worked their way along the walkway, and down a set of stairs, into an area which seemed almost organic in its growth. There was a heavier than air mist, which covered the floor to a depth of about 6”, which meant that a large number of trip hazards went un-noticed until too late. Harbi was tripping all over the place until Sonnie pointed out that they could use their flight rings to float above the mist. Numf beamed with delight, because it meant that he had to carry Stacy, and the best way to do that was in a tight hug.
They didn’t have to journey far before they heard a voice up ahead, muttering as if to itself. They slowed their pace.
Kaants dragon face appeared briefly out of the humid red darkness, bald red sweaty face highlighted against the black shadows of a small cave entrance.
She mumbled to herself, voice deepened by what appeared to have been constant crying.
“mumble mumble mumble …..stally heavens above and the molal raw within…. Mumble……. input must be plocessed or erse it is ress even than a dleam…..”
She moved back inside the cave, and our intrepid foursome followed, wary of a possible sudden re-appearance. They reached the small cave entrance and glanced inside, all four heads appearing round the side at the same time.
This was the first glance of Kaant that Stacy had had. “I always assumed she would be a Draco Orientalis Magnus not a Draco Occidentalis Magnus,” she whispered to Numf.
“Ummmm…..right……if you say so…”came the reply.
“You know – a Chinese dragon, not a European one,” she explained.
From what they could hear, Kaant was talking clearly and concisely to someone else within the cave, although, in the darkness it was impossible to see who. Especially with a big red scaly butt in the way.
“….if the mind activery generates perception, this laises the question whether the lesult has anything to do with the worrd, to the extent that knowredge depends on the structure of the mind and not on the worrd, knowredge would have no connection to the worrd and is not even tlue leplesentation, just a solipsistic or intersubjective fantasy.”
“Harbi,” said Numf very quietly, once more pulling on her sleeve like a small child to get her attention, “what the fuck does that mean?”
“Buggered if I know,” came the equally quiet reply.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
They sneaked forwards, Kaants back still turned to them.
“It is the leplesentation that makes the object possibre lather than the object that makes the leplesentation possibre,” she said.
Looking around them they saw that Lego-lass had been correct – the small cave that they had entered was full of large golden eggs, each easily big enough to hold a small child.
“Wow!” our foursome mouthed all at the same time.
“Evelrything I know, think, see, feer, lemember, berongs to my consciousness in one tempolal stleam of experience,” Kaant said, obviously trying to explain her viewpoint to someone out of shot.
“Who’s she speaking to?” Stacy asked Numf, receiving a shrug in reply.
They edged quietly around to try to get a better view.
They came around past Kaant and could see quite clearly to whom she had been speaking.
There, hung cruciform to the wall was a naked figure that they couldn’t help but recognise. That they had all known since their childhoods. Head slumped forward. Obviously dead.
There was a sharp intake of breath from our intrepid quartet.
“Oh my God – she’s killed …………
Tune in next time for the stunning reveal…………………….. And no, it’s not Kenny.
posted
“Oh my God – she’s killed the EASTER BUNNY!”
Kaants big red evil shiny head turned slowly to face our foursome.
“We onry praying,” she said slowly, as if talking to children
“I don’t care how you justify yourself to your Gods, you’ve just killed the Easter Bunny!” shouted Sonnie.
“No sirry, we only praying games,” said Kaant, talking as if to a stupid child. “He rike praying S&M games. That why he tied up. He leally go rike a bunny labbit! Where you think eggs all come from?” Kaant lifted up her front paw and indicated the golden eggs all around them, giving a questioning look at them.
“I no hurt bunny labbit – at reast no more than he want me to,” said Kaant mischievously.
“Do you mind if I check?” asked Stacy, “Because he doesn’t look at all well.”
“I know others, but I no know you. But you check,” agreed Kaant, nodding her big red head.
Numf put her down on the ground, and she tiptoed her way through the large golden eggs to the wall where the rabbit was.
“Rook, he want more!” said Kaant, pointing once more with her talon.
Stacy checked his pulse and shook her head saddly. “I’m sorry, he’s dead,” she said.
“No he not – rooook!” Kaant said, still pointing.
“I’m sorry,” said Stacy, “that’s just rigour mortis setting in.”
“Damn, my pets arways die,” said Kaant, regretably. “He was fun! Anyway – wha’ you wan’?” she asked, turning on our foursome.
“Kaant, psychological explanations for behavior, however illuminating, cannot be used to excuse moral responsibility and accountability. Thus, your tragic childhood, however touching and understandable, cannot excuse crimes commited in full knowledge of their significance,” said Stacy.
“Huh?!?” said Harbi, Sonnie and Numf together.
Kaant looked angry. Her eyes closed slightly, and a sneer appeared at the corner of her mouth.
“Ummmm, we’ve come to rescue our friend Rody,” said Numf, stepping forward wringing his hands together like an orphan asking for more.
“Rittle mousy? I finished wiv him – he in corner,” Kaant said, indicating over her shoulder. “He no intelested in bondage – he no much fun.”
Harbi flew over to the corner, where she found a small white furry mouse, trussed up in black studded bondage gear, with a blue cape. He was unconscious, but still breathing.
Harbi cradled him gently. She whispered in his ear. But what she said we can only guess at, and will remain a secret forever. He stirred ever so slightly, seemingly content.
Harbi floated slowly back to where her friends waited patiently.
“Kaant, you’re despicable. If he’s hurt…” Harbi started, but she was interrupted by Kaant.
“Borrocks – I hungly!” she said loudly, licking her hard, scaly lips and looking with something akin to glee at our heroes.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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“I no eaten anyone since stupid man in brack deriver mouse, thinking I leward him. I leward him arright wiv helping him meet his maker. I help you too if you want,” offered Kaant edging towards our heroes.
Our heroes edged back.
Harbi protected Rody by placing her body between him and Kaant, whilst the rest of our heroes drew their rayguns.
Kaant advanced.
Our heroes retreated.
Kaant advanced.
Our heroes retreated.
Harbi drew her own raygun and pointed it at Kaants face. “Take one more step and I’ll shoot,” she threatened.
“Oooh noooo! Not thaaaaat!” said Kaant exaggeratedly, stopping mid step with one foot in the air, and a fake look of alarm on her face.
Down came the foot slowly, challengingly.
As soon as it touched the floor Harbi shot. A line of blistering hot laser light hit straight between Kaants eyes.
Kaant cackled as all four of our heroes pumped red rays of death at her.
But our heroes had forgotten a very famous saying - having a ruby hide means never having to die a horrible laser scarred death.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Even the background music stopped, so that the rustling could be properly appreciated. It was a creepy, metallic scraping noise, like scrunching up a very large biscuit wrapper, in quadrophonic surround sound 5.1 stereo thingummy DTS.
Numf made a funny high pitched intake-of-breath girly noise.
? our heroes all asked each urgently telepathically. However, since none of them were actually telepaths they all failed to hear each others plaintive questioning.
The hair was starting to rise on the back of our foursomes necks.
An odd kind of static electricity seemed to fill the air.
As if from nowhere a puddle started to form at Numfs feet………
The noise appeared to be coming from beneath them, in the mist around their feet – from the eggs. Their tops were peeling back.
And inside the eggs, instantly recognisable, was chocolate.
Large chocolate eggs, covered in gold foil.
The nearest egg to Harbi started to crack open. Everybody took an involuntary step away. And bumped into other eggs, which immediately started to crack open. This seemed to set off a chain reaction throughout the cavern. Very shortly our foursome were all standing back to back to back to back, surrounded by hundreds of eggs cracking open, with Kaant looking on like a very happy expectant mother.
“Ahhhh, babies first pley!” she chortled. “Wish I had camcorder.”
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
“Ummmm, excuse me Kaant,” said Numfy. “Did you say prey or play?”
“Pley,” came the reply.
“Phewwww, that’s okay then,” the daft git replied.
“No no no you daft git,” Kaant corrected, “Pley as in rots of food. As in you better start playing! AhhhHAHAHAHA!”
At that moment the top of the first egg caved in completely. Five heads turned and stared. One filled with maternal pride, the others with pant-staining fear.
Slowly from out of the depths of the chocolate egg uncurled two pink fluffy rabbit ears.
“Awwww! Cute!” said Kaant, Stacy and Harbi together.
Sonnie and Numf looked dubiously at each other.
Verrrrry dubiously.
A small rabbit face appeared beneath the cute bunny ears. Little closed baby eyes, screwed tight shut. Little cute twitchy nose. All in a cute pink fur.
Stacy beat Harbi by the smallest margin. They both bent down to pick up the hatchling, but with a swift nudge from Stacy Harbi lost her balance for long enough that Stacy managed to pick up the baby. It was the cutest little bundle of fur that any of them had ever seen. Even Kaant beamed a big smile.
Little fluffy ears were poking up all around them, distracting Harbi from the fact that Stacy had nudged her out of the way.
Victorious, Stacy turned to Harbi to gloat. “Nyah nyah nyah nyahh nyah!”
Almost as if it sensed the distraction, the babys eyelids snapped open to reveal the most evil motherf[heavily censored]ing pair of red eyes this side of Satan himself.
As for Grimly - I'm sorry, but I forgot to mention that she's at home having her legs waxed...... and rumour has it getting a Brazilian at the same time. Believe it if you want.
posted
And then the biggest pair of razor sharp incisors ever given to a new-born, including T-Rex and British monarchy, were shown to the world. Followed almost instantly by twenty razor sharp and very pointy claws, all of which made towards Stacys head at lightning speed.
Next to be exposed to the world was the insides of its cranium, as Sonnie stuck his fingers through its eye-sockets and ripped the top of its bastarding little head off.
The forward motion stopped the claws and teeth just short of severing major blood vessels and causing permanent scarring, and the body twitched in Stacys arms, with blood and brains pissing everywhere. Stacy looked down as the blood pulsed all over her, and screamed.
Kaant was not happy.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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