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“What is that stink?” asked Stacy as she climbed aboard Marvins flying saucer which hovered alongside the El Asticpants Hilton top floor, where until very recently the bathroom wall to the recently re-named Playgirl Suite stood. “Are your toilets broken or something?”
“No, it’s coming from the sick-bay. So I’ve closed the door and I’m staying as far away as possible,” replied Marvin as he helped her aboard, one eye trained on the door to the hotel bathroom. A number of black hooded heads peeked around the framework, but seeing the absolute devastation within they didn’t stay around too long.
The other three clambered on board behind Stacy and, after guilty looks between them concerning the cause of the smell, decided almost telepathically that they could live with the smell for a while if it meant the chance to leave Dallas literally up to his neck in it.
“So, you managed to get the saucer fixed then, I see,” said Sonnie after Stacy and Marvin had been introduced, and Marvin had received the eternal thanks, and offers of multiple beers from all concerned.
“Yes, I just finished about 15 minutes ago. I spotted a trail full of ninja headed to this hotel, so I just had to investigate. The fact that there was a giant knob drawn on the side tended to make me think that Numfy might be holed up inside. “So I searched anround and hovered up to this bedroom window where I saw masses of ninja coming out of an adjoining room, and then rushing back in again. I reckoned that you might be in trouble, so ……” Marvin trailed off his explanation.
He closed the hatch behind them and led them through to the bridge, where he quickly and neatly piloted the ship out of harms way, around to the other side of the volcano, where they hovered out of sight of El Asticpants.
“So, what’s been going on?” asked Marvin.
Sonnie and Harbi told the story while Numf and Stacy went to grab a quick shower, hit the galley to make cups of coffee and have a quick fumble.
When Harbi got to the part of the ninja attacking in the cave, Marvin muttered “good” to himself but refused to explain until he had been brought fully up to date with the situation.
Numf and Stacy returned in time for the end of the story, bearing tepid cups of coffee.
Marvin led the four of them to a small broom cupboard, where, hanging in the darkness, bound and gagged were three very familiar figures.
Betty, Joe and Michael J Hunt.
“I noticed them sneaking back to the ship, and reckoned that the only reason for them to be sneaking was if they were up to something sneaky,” explained Marvin. Harbi gave him a great big smacking kiss on the left cheek. Just to make sure that all the bases were covered, Sonnie did similarly to his right cheek.
Blushing furiously, Marvin continued. “You know that giant bandy-net that I have attached under the ship for catching great white sharks? Well it works with sneaky soldiers and insurance salesmen.”
Betty, Joe and Mike were trussed up like Xmas turkeys, swinging maddly back and forth all trying to shout through their gags. Eyes bulged and faces got redder, then purpler.
Our intrepid heroes all laughed heartily.
Harbi stopped laughing suddenly and slammed the door. Everyone else stopped instantly.
1. Joe and Betty appear to be in league with Hunt. 2. Red tops attract danger. Unless you’re Joe or Betty. 3. We were left with only ray guns, which seem to cut through just about everything, after a cock-up with provisions. 4. We’re sitting atop a potentially very active volcano. 5. SGG ninjas are actually pretty crap, and have stick on tattoos. 6. Kaant is around here somewhere and has been eating up the locals and trashing their houses. 7. The locals are all 70s / 80s TV stars, who bought their homes relatively cheap when they were loaded. 8. The land’s worth a fortune. 9. Rody has been kidnapped.
And what can we assume from these facts?” she asked the assembled members of the team.
“I think that we can safely assume that we have to rescue Rody as soon as possible,” replied Stacy.
“Girl,” said Harbi, nodding her head, “ I like your way of thinking. Marvin, can you take us back around to the lift entrance please?”
“My pleasure,” said Marvin, headed towards the controls.
“Why don’t we just ask Hunt what’s going on?” asked Numfy.
“Or else kill Hunt slowly and painfully and then ask the others!” added Sonnie with a glint in his eye.
They gave that some serious consideration for a moment or two, but decided that they probably couldn’t get away with it within the context of the story. What with them being heroes, and all that.
“Marvin,” started Stacy tentatively, “I don’t suppose that you have a kiddies play area anywhere on board, do ya?” “Yes, I have my nephews on board occasionally, so there are toys and beanbags and things through to the left there,” confirmed Marvin. “Why?”
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Twenty minutes later Stacy exited the small room where Mike remained securely tied to a chair. His face was grey, bloodless, and beads of sweat stood out all over his face. He still shivered at the thought of what had transpired.
The cheeky smile on Stacys face told them everything that they needed to know – Mike had revealed all.
None of the others had been brave enough to enter the room while the interrogation had been going on. They had known what was going to happen, and none of them could stomach the thought of being in the same room. Stacy, however, was immune to the sound of her own nails down a blackboard.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Fabbo! I'm glad that some things haven't changed while I was away - Dragons is still the top diggidydog in Bits!
Loving it Ken, more, more, more!
[ March 04, 2005, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: Queen B ]
-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
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“Well, it’s simple really,” said Stacy with a sneer and a sadistic glint in her eye that no-one had noticed before. She realised that they were looking quizzically at her and shook her head rapidly to relax herself somewhat before continuing. So she liked a bit of tying people up and inflicting pain. Didn't everyone? “It’s all a big insurance scam.”
“Huh?” “Fit?” “Eh?”
“Yeah, as you know the real estate around here is worth a fortune. The people bought it up years ago for a pittance, but what with the price of properties these days Bill Gates would be hard pushed to buy up this place,” Stacy looked pleased at this, since part of the real estate was hers. “Realtors are always after a piece of the action.”
“What the Jiminy-Crickets-left-nut is a realtor. The opposite of a falsetor?” asked Numf.
“No, you ignoralt gipe! A realtor is the same as an Estate Agent,” said Sonnie.
“So,” guessed Harbi, “Kaant rampaging through the town meant that there would be lots of extremely big insurance claims over deaths and demolished housing. All to the Legionworld Insurance Company, who employ Hunt of course. Rather than have to pay out billions in insurance claims, they offer to write off my debt in exchange for helping out with their problem. They throw together a rag-tag bunch of would-be soldiers, with two plants, Joe & Betty.”
“Right so far,” said Stacy.
“They started off wanting Kaant out of the way, but I don’t think that’s enough anymore, is it?” Stacy shook her head in answer to Harbis question. “They now want to call in the God Clause, don’t they?” Stacy nodded. “Therefore the lasers, which seem to cut through just about everything.”
Numf and Sonnie sttod there, head swinging back and fore between the two speakers, clueless to what they were talking about.
Marvin interjected at this point. “I’ve been researching the area, and I’ve got a 3D computer model if you want to see it?”
“Brill, Marv – go for it,” said Numf, looking for a chance to actually understand something.
Up on the main display appeared a 3D model of the volcano. It rotated through 360° as they watched, impressed. They could pick out individual landmarks, including the Hilton, which they had recently vacated.
Slowly the outer layer of the volcano faded away, to show the substructure of the volcano. Hollows came into view, showing the intricate caveworks, and the liftshaft could be clearly seen, plunging down straight through everything. Directly beneath the bottom of the liftshaft an ugly hot red angry pulsing ball came into view, taking up most of the volume of the surrounding area.
“Harbi, what’s going on?” asked Numf, tugging at her cuff.
“Simple, if we blow up the volcano then the insurance won’t have to pay up,” she answered, distractedly.
Numf tugged again, and looked pleadingly at her.
“All of the insurance that has been taken out with LIC will have a standard clause that states that they won’t pay up for an Act Of God. A volcanic eruption is just such an act,” Stacy stated. “They also don’t pay out for damage caused in wars.”
“And us blowing up the volcano whilst fighting off hoardes of marauding ninja will be classed as war damages, won’t it,” supplied Sonnie.
“But, looking at that, it looks like it’s pretty damned ready to blow up at any minute anyway, so why do they need us?” asked Numf.
All four of the others answered as if with one voice.
posted
“You wanna try for the $42 million question?”asked Stacy.
When Harbi nodded, Stacy continued. “How many ninja are there out there?”
“There must be about 10 or 12 thousand from what we’ve seen,” said Numfy.
“Nope,” said Harbi. Stacy nodded for her to continue. “Not a single one.”
“And for your bonus points, how many SGG?”
“None!” guessed Numf.
“Close – one. Kaant,” said Sonnie. “So those faux-ninja, they’re justa bunch of posers lookin’ for a scrap, aren’t they?”
“Pretty much so,” said Stacy. “But it turns out that 99% of them were only hired a few days ago, given a large cheque and flown out here, having been promised large bundles of cash for our heads.”
“I’ve offered people large bundles of cash to give me head before as well,” murmered Numf.
“They won’t have had time to put their cheques in the bank, and even if they did it takes seven days for a cheque to clear, and they’re sitting on a volcano about to blow,” said Sonnie, picking up LICs way of thinking.
“Sneaky,” said Numf, clearly impressed by their deviousness.
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“Well, highest priority is Rody – we need to rescue him. Secondly, after rescuing him we need to get the hell out of here before this place blows!” said Harbi, with feeling.
There was some fairly vigourous agreeing on those points.
“What about Hunt and the others? Come to think of it,” said Sonnie, “if Joe and Betty were in league with Hunt all along, then how come they weren’t picked off by the ninja when we first landed? Remember all that ‘red shirt’ business, and only Hunt had the green and white hoops?”
Stacy flexed her talons. “I’ll go and ask,” she said, heading back towards the room where Hunt was being kept.
She re-emerged 30 seconds later, head downcast, bottom lip jutting out.
“Not fair. Spoiled my fun…”
“What’s the matter, has he escaped or something?” asked Numf.
“No, he just told me the answers before I got anywhere near the blackboard,” replied Stacy.
The others laughed ironically – little more than snorts really.
“Stripes,” said Stacy to the unbidden question.
“Huh?”
“Two of the Celtic tops had been too small, they’d ordered up kids sizes, so to get around it they apparently carried a large stuffed tiger, and it was the stripes that mattered, not the colour,” Stacy explained.
“Oh yeah! Frosty,” the other four replied in unison, slapping themselves on the foreheads for their stupidity.
“So, what do we do with them?” asked Stacy. “They’re your traitors, so it’s up to you.”
Twenty minutes later the sickbay held three new fully plastered residents. When questioned about their motives the only answer Jo and Betty gave was “Money.”
Dallas had been set free, though very reluctantly. He had tried to remain where he was. But when Numf and Sonnie had gone in to the sickbay, all gas-masked up, and cut him out of the plaster suit he’d been wearing he didn’t really have much choice in the matter.
His time trussed up in his own mess clearly had effected his mind, or possibly freed it depending on your taste, as in years to come he could be found wearing a black PVC Vader-esque gimp outfit in German scatological pornographic movies.
After a good hosing down and fresh clothing Dallas refused point blank to join our heroes, so they sent him down to the shops for 20 Rothmans.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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Keith - the 20 Rothmans is a Pythonism.... Bet that surprises you!
On with the story -
“Right, lets get with some Rody saving, shall we?” suggested Harbi.
“Yay!” said everyone else.
“Right, now, lets get all the fully charged rayguns we can..”
“On the case,” said Marvin, turning away towards the cupboard where they were kept.
“…and when you’re done there I’ve got a very important job for you,” said Harbi.
When they were all ready, Marvin dropped them all off at the top of the lift shaft, and then headed towards town.
Most of the ninja had made the journey into town and were still surrounding the hotel, in a mass of black, so Marv gave that area of town a body swerve.
Saving some time in the story, the lift doors were already open, as if awaiting passengers.
Not ones to look a gift horse in the mouth our intrepid heroes went straight in and pressed the button marked ‘1’. The doors closed, and they stayed exactly where they were. So they tried ’99’ instead.
Their descent started fairly quickly, with the lift moving downwards at a steady pace.
Stacy asked a question that had been bothering her for some time.
“Even though you three don’t have the most up to date dress sense, I thought that even you would be able to see just how absolutely naff those things are,” she said, pointing in turn at each of Harbi, Numf and Sonnie.
“What, our ‘sovvies’?” asked Sonnie, getting a laugh from Numf and Harbi.
“What the hell’s a ‘sovvy’?” asked Stacy.
“They’re rings made from sovereigns, a British coin. And yes, their tackiness is beyond doubt,” said Harbi. “However, only Neds wera sovvies, and these are not they. These are…”
“Legion Flight Rings!” interrupted Numf excitedly, like a little puppy dog that wants to go outside urgently…... “And look, if you flap your arms…”
Numf flapped his arms, smacking all three of the others in the lift across various parts of their anatomy. Stacy fell backwards, banging her head against the wall of the lift. She fell to the floor, stunned. Her eyes span in her head.
“Are you seeing stars?” asked Harbi, leaning over her, concerned.
“No. If I’m not mistaken it’s not stars that I’m seeing revolving round my head. It’s five choir boys, four boy scouts, three French whores, two shit-house doors and ….. the Lord Montague of Beauly,” came the reply.
By the time that they reached the 85th floor, having hit terminal velocity, all four of our heroes were floating in free-fall around the ceiling of the lift. It was at this point that Sonnie actually remembered that they’d only just been discussing their Legion rings. Legion FLIGHT rings. Go on, make the connection - I say again FLIGHT!
He instinctively grabbed the two girls in both arms and dived (dove? No, that’s a white bird a bit like a pigeon you gipe!) upwards, breaking through the roof of the lift, successfully hooking Numf with his foot on the way.
Unfortunately for Numf, Sonnie could have found a less…. well…. testicle infested area to hook on to. But in the grand scheme of things he would rather have had that than still be in the lift when it crashed through the bottom of level 99, one tenth of a second later, splintering into matchstick sized shards rather impressively.
Having a much greater mastery of his flight ring than his brother, Sonnie managed to float in the air, one saved damsel in distress in each arm, and his older brother curled around his foot, without having to flap his arms. He did have to do some nifty ‘side-stepping’ to avoid the steel cable which snaked and hissed and whipped down behind the lift, dangerously close.
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Meanwhile, at the Sheraton, Dr. Jeeps lawyers were issuing a writ, suing the Hotel for substantial damages due to physical and emotional damage caused by the untimely forceful rejection of the aforementioned from said premises during his previous residency in the ‘Copa Cabana Cocktail Lounge’, as well as reparation for the authentic 1967 Hammond organ type M-100 which was irreparably broken when he landed on it from a height of 10 feet, and loss of earnings due to said physical and emotional damage.
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Sonnie floated back down through the settling dust until he was level with the closed doors leading to Level 99.
Nothing happened for a few seconds.
“Come off it – gimme a break here boys and girls,”said Sonnie, sounding a tad pissed off.
“Huh?” came two female voiced replies.
“Whimper,” came one, rather high, male voice in reply.
“Yeah, look, I’m floating here, twenty feet above the floor, one person under each arm and one balanced precariously on my toe. Just how in the name of all gods furry little creatures do you expect me to blohw the blahdy doars orf?” Sonnie asked, slipping seamlessly into his best Michael Caine impersonation. (Had it been Numf going for the accent it would have sounded like some kind of funny Welsh / Pakistani hybrid.) “Oops,” said Harbi, “just give me a second.” Harbi somehow managed to get ahold of the raygun in her teeth and burned a great big Sonnie-and-passengers shaped hole in the door, and they floated on through.
Numf was relieved to be able to curl up in a ball on the floor for a few minutes.
They found themselves in a corridor based on an industrial factory. Metal was the order of the day – steel pipes for handrails, grating for flooring. The flourescent lighting only appeared to work intermittently, however, there was a dark red steamy glow all around. Ahead of them, sighted fleetingly through the stroboscopic lighting and steam, there was a figure at the top of what appeared to be a flight of stairs, with what appeared to be a longbow, loaded with an arrow pointing their way.
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The primary and secondary colours up ahead made our intrpid heroes pretty much sure that it wasn’t one of the moronic ninja that they faced.
“Don’t move! Or I will fire,” came an androgynous voice.
Numfy stood up, oblivious to what was going on, knowing only that the throbbing pain had subsided to a level where he could move without the desire to throw up.
With his back to the mystery figure he didn’t see the arrow being loosed, and flying his way. “I warned you,” came the same androgynous voice.
Selflessly, Sonnie dived in front of the speeding projectile.
Right between his eyes the arrow struck.
Sonnie fell crumpled to the floor. . . .
And then picked himself up again.
“OOOOwwwwww! That seriously bloody hurt! I’m going to have a bruise there, and how stupid is that going to look?” he said. He rubbed the point between his eyes where the arrow had struck.
Numf, Stacy and Harbi looked at him, mouths agape.
All four of them looked at the ground. Black plastic blocks lay on the ground.
Up ahead, a small voice could be heard to say “oh shit.” They looked up in time to see the figure turn to run.
Sonnies flight ring was quickest to respond, and within a fraction of a second he was hurtling faster than a speeding plastic arrow at the escaping figure, fist outstretched in front.
A second later contact seemed to break the figure in half, colours flying in all directions.
By the time that the others had caught up merest seconds later, Sonnie was stood above a broken, twitching body. And in his hands he held a head.
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On further examination they found that she was made entirely of small plastic building blocks. The way that she moved, it appeared that she was constantly being rebuilt, rather than the existing blocks moving. In this way blocks added and removed themselves from some non-existent toybox, to produce a strangely un-fluid movement. Green was the colour of her outfit, and tight fitting it was. The quarrel that hung over her shoulder was filled with the feathers of plastic brick built arrows.
Her long blonde hair flowed over Sonnies hands with a rather disturbing animatronic movement.
“What the sprock is this?” asked our four heroes in unison.
“My name is Lego-lass,” she informed the quartet.
“But ….. you’re made of Lego! How is it that you can move?” asked Harbi.
“I am filled with an Elfen life-force,” replied Lego-lass.
“That’s funny, you don’t look …, like …., Elfish,” said Numf, much to everyones amusement.
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