posted
Kill myself off, eh? That'd get me out of having to finish the story off, wouldn't it! (Not that I'm always looking for the easy way out or anything..)
Thanks for tuning in - glad you're still getting some giggles out of it.
B - lovin' the SUBs, more more more.....
K - it was great seeing you the other week.
The girls send hugs and kisses to you both. Don't know about old spanner though....... Yeah, okay, to him too.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Harbi, however, knew that at heart Numf was a true Aberdonian, the stingiest members of a race world renowned for its stinginess. The frugalest of the frugal. Short arms, long pockets. Combination lock on his wallet.
Tight as a nuns chuff.
Sonnie and Stacy had already moved back inside, their view of the attacking hoardes having been blocked by Numfs advance.
The door opened briefly and with unerring accuracy Harbi threw a 5p piece exactly where the light from it would catch Numfs eye. And then slammed the door shut.
THUNK! Thunkthunkthunkthunkthunk!!!!!!!!!!
Harbi opened the door to see Numf stand up again, unscathed, 5p piece in hand. “You’ll not be wanting this back, will you?” he asked, clearly letting Harbi know that it was the last that she would see of it.
“No, you keep it,” Harbi said, looking up at the array of weaponry that peppered the door in a rough Numf shape. So saying she grabbed Numf by the front of his tee-shirt and pulled him into the room, slamming the door behind him.
-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
From: here, more often than not | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
They stood back from the newly locked door and surveyed the hall for objects to barricade it with. Very expensive mirrors, paintings and writing desks in a Louise XVII retro chic style have been screwed to the walls and floor, and just couldn’t be budged. They obviously didn’t trust their own clientele. Lets be honest, anyone who could afford to stay here was obviously a pimp, slave trader, thief or drug dealer. Or they’d inherited their money from one of the former.
They backed down the hall into the main room, where they had a bit more luck with some soft furnishings. Even the TV had been nailed to the floor to stop you wheeling it out the door. But they didn’t have a lock on this door, so it wasn’t nearly as secure.
They moved through to the next room, the bedroom. The matress could be moved, but that didn’t help all that much – half of the springs were broken anyway. The bed was screwed to the floor to stop you nipping out the back door with it and loading it into your Pinto.
Crash! The front door was gone. Splintered off its hinges by the seething mass of black clothed hatred.
And then silence as they made their way towards the living room door. The soft furnishings didn’t hold them back for long at all.
Our intrepid foursome backed away, levelling their rayguns at the closed bedroom door.
“Hey, Sonnie, how come this light’s flashing red? I could have sworn that it was green a second ago,” Numfy asked.
“Oh, that’s the charge. Looks like you’re out of juice,” replied Sonnie, checking his own weapon.
“Put that away and pay attention to what’s happening here!” commanded Harbi.
“oops, sorry.”
“Wait a minute, my red light’s flashing as well!” exclaimed Harbi.
“Mine too,” said Sonnie, somewhat alarmed. “So much for a parting volley as we retreat – looks like we’ll just have to hide in the en-suite.”
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Two minutes later, after searching the living room thoroughly, the ninja finally got around to trying the bathroom door. After the first 3 died trying to turn the doorhandle (thanks to a trick that Numf had read in a Christopher Brookmeyer book where you hook up 240V to it) they decided to break it down.
They used one of the frazzled bodies as a battering ram. Six ninja, three on either side, held the body horizontal and ran at the door. One tenth of a second before impact the door swung sharply open and the ninja ran straight through.
The door slammed shut again, leaving the ninja left on the other side thoroughly confused.
It was pitch black in the bathroom and the invading ninja didn’t see the wet towel on the marble floor.
Nor the plunge pool towards which they found themselves rapidly heading.
Nor the electric heater that was in the water in the plunge pool, plugged in and switched on.
Six live and one dead ninja went flying into the air feet first, legs still pedalling in an attempt to run.
Ka-Splash! FTTTZZZZZT!!!!!!!
The smell of ozone and fried ninja filled the room.
“What a shocking waste!” said Harbi, without a trace of sarcasm.
“God, H, that’s a bad enough pun to be one of mine!” said Numf.
“No, I mean what a waste of a plunge bath and six men, each with their hands on a great big stiff …..” said Harbi.
Sonnie and Stacy laughed, both nodding. Numf looked confused.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Eventually the ninja found a wooden broom handle and managed to open the door without being frazzled. What they didn’t realise was that it hadn’t been rigged back up to the mains power supply. This time Numf had rigged it so that when the door handle was turned the grenade that he had balanced would fall off, disconnecting the pin.
The first four ninja had made it through the door by the time that the explosion occurred, with another six trying to wedge through the doorway at the same time. Making a nice little barricade.
By this time the ninja were well pissed off – or just ‘pissed’ if they were American.
And then when Numfs second and last grenade landed in the middle of the living room floor, taking out another 27 of them they were seriously angry. However, they didn’t know how many more grenades there were waiting for them.
So they backed off.
A sliver of light came through the blasted open doorway. The room outside was in darkness, but some residual light still came through the bedroom window. Shadows could be seen flitting through the light every so often in an almost stroboscopic manner. There were obviously plans afoot.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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Oh yeah, stuck in a great big marble chunty with gazillions of cannon fodder about to invade.
Okay. How do we get outta this on? Ah, well. Perhaps we should be grateful to McDonalds. And it’s not often you’ll hear those words pass my lips. So don’t quote me.
…Wait a second, who are you?
I’m the Narrator.
…Narrator? Narrator? Piss off! This isn’t Winnie-the-bloody-Pooh! Go on – sod off!
What do you mean, I was just..
…Look pal, I mean it. Sod off and let them get on with it. They don’t need you to tell the story for them.
But I was j…aaaagggg! Ow, what was that for?
…Look, I’ve told you. Now if you don’t get out of here right now you’re in for a hidin’.
If you touch me again I’ll have you up on assault cha…aaaaaaarrrghhhhh.
…Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now, if you want your nipple back, just go now and I’ll post it to you in a day or two.
Whimper….whimper….okay, I’m going…….
…Right, sorry about that ladies and gents. I’ll let you get back to the story now.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
From: here, more often than not | Registered: Sep 2003
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Suddenly 352 black clothed ninja erupted into the room. Six through the door, and the rest came through the walls, and the floor. There were no more booby traps available for use, so nothing (apart from walls and floor) stood in their way.
Light filtered in from the doorway and various holes in the walls and floor. With so many bodies milling around clarity was not much in display, as hard darkness interposed tangentially with bright light one second and a myriad shades of black and white the very next.
The only thing that greeted them on their arrival was seven dead ninja floating in a plunge pool and an electric heater. Oh, and a variety of body parts from their recently exploded bretheren.
“Oh shite,” they all said in unison.
There were no cupboards / showers etc. in which they could be hidden. They weren’t curled up in a chandelier, nor conveniently squished in behind the radiator. They obviously hadn’t turned invisible, because they wouldn’t have been able to move without bumping into one of the ninja who now occupied the room. And there was no way that they could all have hidden in the cistern.
Just to be on the safe side various sharp / poisonous / rather nasty / barbed implements were embedded in the dead bodies in the plunge pool.
Various rather deadly fights and scuffles broke out amongst the ninja as they accused each other of being our intrepid heroes in disguise. Confusion reigned for a while as bodies were shoved down holes and age-old ninja rivalries were taken to their inevitable bitter ends. A number of these ninjas would take many years to die from their apparently innocent injuries of that day.
By the time this infighting was settled, although there was still a hell of a lot of suspicion going round, more than three quarters of their numbers were depleted, or deleted, or decapitated, or various words starting with ‘de’.
Still, over 80 ninja in the room and untold numbers outside, no matter how crap they may be, would still be more than enough to give our heroes a serious kicking if only they could find them.
But there was no-where left to look. In disgust the remaining ninja filed out of the door. Seriously disgruntled.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
The last ninja to exit the room turned around and had one last look around the room.
Due to the fact that the room was no longer filled with milling bodies he noticed that the switch for the heater had been turned off. Even though the heater was still in the water.
He picked his way back through the bodies littering the floor.
And flicked the switch.
Turning back to look at the bodies in the pool, it gave him a certain amount of sick, perverted sarcastic satisfaction (which, to be honest was why he had wanted to become a ninja in the first place) to watch the bodies twitching as the electricity coursed through them, playing with their nervous systems.
He headed for the door.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
“See, I told you that someone would see the plug was switched off!” said Numf, pushing the dead ninja out of the way and standing up.
“Lucky that you took out the fuse then, wasn’t it,” said Stacy, standing up beside him.
“And that shaking the bodies at the right time was a master stroke. Not half as lucky as Sonnies strange habit of stealing straws from McDonalds though,” said Harbi.
Sonnie just grinned, vindicated from now to the end of time.
“Now, can we get the hell out of this plunge pool? Lying underneath dead fried ninja, breathing through a plastic straw for 20 minutes gets a bit much,” said Harbi. “I could do with another bath already.”
Unfortunately for our heroes, stood as they were in the plunge pool, one of the ninja had decided that he needed a piss. Back he strode into the bathroom to see our intrepid heroes standing in the middle of the pool, surrounded by singed ninja cadavers. Water dripping off of them. Straws in hands.
One sharp whistle later our heroes were surrounded by a large number of less cadaverous ninjas.
If this ever gets made into a cartoon the ninja should have steam coming out of their ears.
“Oh well. I feel like syphillis,” said Numfy.
“Daft beggar. You never get that right, do you? The phrase is ‘looks like I’m a gonnorrea’,” corrected his brother with a withering glance.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
From: here, more often than not | Registered: Sep 2003
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As hands were raised in unison to pepper our friends with death-giving implements, Harbi screamed.
“STOP!”
The command that her voice carried stopped them in their tracks. When you’ve had the pleasure of trying to instil a touch of culture in an otherwise barren class of spotty, hormonal teenagers who are only interested in alcopops, joy riding, their next joint and finding some form of relief for the constant throbbing sex drive that God has granted them in his immense wisdom, then gaining the attention of a room full of death hungry ninja is mere childs play.
They stopped.
Before Harbi was required to come up with a reason for them to have stopped (which was just as well since she was just making it up as she went along and hadn’t worked out what she was going to say next) the external wall was blown in, which killed the 14 lines of ninja nearest the explosion. Almost immediately afterwards a line of red death sliced its way through the remaining black clad baddies at chest height. Thankfully our heroes were half submerged in the plunge pooland the beam passed harmlessly over their heads. Okay, Sonnie came out of the bathroom with less hair than when he went in, but he wasn’t really that bothered about it.
The beam stopped after one sweep. Dust and the smoke from cauterised wounds filled the air. Bottom halves toppled over to lie next to their top halves, occasionally twitching slightly.
After the forest of legs had collapsed only our four heroes were left standing. They all looked around quizzically at each other, not one of them having a clue what the hell was going on.
“What the f…” they all started to ask at the same time.
“Hurry up you a lot, before the ninja in the next room arrive!” came a familiar voice through the dust and smoke.
They all turned, as one, to look at the heroic figure of Marvin, ray gun in hand..
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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