The Aberdonian Doric slang has a certain resonance and quality that is so easily forgotten - oh gawd now it's all coming back! You're a cruel man!
Utterly brilliant story though so you are forgiven
And of course, we want more, more, more!
-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
From: here, more often than not | Registered: Sep 2003
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Sonnie turned around and looked back up at the girls. “Have you been checking out our arses, you pair of pervs?”
“Who, us?” came the not very convincing feigned innocence reply in stereo.
“Harbi – Numf reckons that this is a volcano that we’re on, not a mountain,” said Sonnie.
“Of course it is,” said Stacy. “I thought everyone knew that. That’s why it’s such prime real estate - the soil is very rich. Great agricultural land. Worth a fortune.”
“Harbi,” said Numf-El, “ I haven’t got the first idea what’s going on here.”
“Ah, so the status quo is retained,” said Harbi. “And you two can stop with the Parfitt / Rossi impersonations. “We need to find somewhere that we can assess the situation. Any ideas, Stacy?”
“Hell yeah – there’s a five star hotel in the middle of town. The El Asticpants Hilton. I’ve always wanted to crash there. And I hear that they have the most sumptuous baths in there……” You could tell by the glazing of both Stacys and Harbis eyes that there was unlikely to be any suitable alternatives offered after that statement.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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“I don’t wanna go there,” said Numfy. “I don’t think it’ll be classy enough for you ladies.”
“Bless!” said Harbi, giving Numfy a patronising pat on the head. “But what makes you say that?”
“Wellllllll, a few years back I was taking a girlfriend across to France, so I thought that I’d try to impress her by getting us some swanky accommodation. I’d just got my first computer, so I wanted to use it to book a hotel. So I put the name in to Google, but all I could get was sites of some stupid scrawny lookin’ blonde bimbo in various stages of undress. Not a very classy hotel, that Paris Hilton, let me tell you. If they let tramps like that in then it’s not the sort of place you want to take a beautiful lady friend, and DEFINITELY not good enough for you two.”
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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Stacy grabbed Numfs face in both hands, stood on her toes and gave him a great smacking wet kiss on the lips. Caught by surprise it took a couple of seconds before Numf kissed back. He pulled the rest of her up close too. A large number of red hearts appeared out of nowhere above their heads and floated off into the sky, where they burst like bubbles.
A few steps away Harbi and Sonnie looked on. Sonnie clasped both hands together and held them to his chest. He cocked his head at a jaunty angle and said, “It’th tho thweet!” in a big girly voice. He received a chug to the shoulder from Harbi, who had just been feeling affy pleased for her friend, if not a tad jealous of the burgeoning relationship. All that heat, all that passion……. Sonnie laughed.
Stacey pulled away from the kiss eventually and looked Numf right in the eye. “You are such a sweetheart. You are sooooo gonna get yours,” she said in a sexy loud stage whisper.
She felt something long, hard, warm and throbbing nestle itself against her midriff.
“Easy Tiger! Is that a gun in your pocket or are you …. just …….. ……….shit, it’s a gun, isn’t it.” Stacey stared in disappointed disbelief as Numf displayed the ray gun that he’d put in his pocket after the battle in the cave.
Sonnie developed a nervous barking hiccup cough laugh that had the side effect of making it difficult for him to stand.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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Glad you're enjoying it AQ - always good to hear from you.
Worry ye not - Rody and Kaant have not been forgotten about.
I've just got to .....ahem, take care of some pressing, um, business with a certain Ms Sherridan.....
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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An hour later they sauntered into town. Numf, grin like the Cheshire Cat, had Stacy on his arm.
“Hey, that’s a good balancing act Numf,” said Sonny, applauding.
Harbinger, however, found herself reverting to “mother mode”. “You get down off of there, right now. Look, you’ve marked his sleeve with those heels of yours. Do you realise how difficult it is to get out stains like th…..” She ground to a halt, realising that she was making a fool of herself.
“Do continue, Harbi,” said Numf, as Stacy climbed down. “I was wondering how you were going to get ‘you’ll have someones eye out doing that’ into your telling off. I’ve lost track of the number of times that your mum said that to us both when we were kids.”
Harbi looked suitably embarrassed. Turning into her mother. Oh no! The Gods forbid!
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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El Asticpants was deserted as our quadrilogy walked through the sun blasted streets.
The beauty of the buildings was still evident, although up close it was plain that they had recently had their care removed. The lush grass lawns were starting to turn yellow, and look decidedly unkempt. No one had cleaned up the more recent dog shit, and the bands of scabby dogs didn’t appear to be too put out by the appearance of the band. In fact, they appeared rather interested in a possible new food stuff…… Sonnies laser put a quick stop to that interest. And provided at least some of the dogs with a free meal.
Stacy led them to the tallest building in town.
The El Asticpants Hilton was, contrary to Numfs pre-conceived ideas, well up to scratch.
So much so that Numf even felt an insane desire to clean the mud off his boots before using the doormat inside the rotating door.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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They stood in the lush foyer which, like the rest of the town, was deserted. Having the rotating doors as the only source of natural light meant that there was a certain amount of gloom lurking in the corners. Numf went over to turn on one of the lamps at the reception desk, and was shouted down by the other three for his recklessness.
“You stupid git! Do you want to attract those bastards in black?” asked Sonnie.
“Absolutely. Good idea, we’ll get the police to give us a hand,” replied Numf, and then dodged the hard objects which were thrown at him.
“No, but seriously, I’ve got an idea!” said Numf, cringing in case more sore things were thrown at him.
“Really?” asked Harbi. “Because so have I, and they all have to do with soaking in a nice hot tub.”
“And….”, said Stacy, waiting for Harbis attention before she continued, “ there’s a chocolate vending machine over there…” she said, pointing, “full to the gunwhals with Flakes, Aeros….” She stopped as Harbi borrowed Numfs laser and neatly cut the top off the vending machine. “Good,” Stacy stated, “because I left all of my change at home this morning.”
Sonnie and Numf were dispatched to the front desk to pick up the keys to the Penthouse, Playboy, Men Only and Big Jugs Monthly suites.
Minutes later they were all in the rather luxurious lift, the girls both with armfulls of chocolate confection.
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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“Right, Numf, which one do you want?” asked Sonnie.
“I think I’ll go for the Penthouse suite. Why?” he asked.
“Because I need to do a bit of re-modelling to this mysoginistic floor,” Sonnie replied, taking his trusty marker pen from one of the leg pockets of his combat trousers.
Soon, in addition to the Penthouse suite there was also the Playgirl, Women Only and the Big Black Cocks Monthly. “That’s mine,” said Sonnie.
“I didn’t know you had a thing about chickens,” giggled Numf. The girls and Sonnie joined in.
“Speaking of chickens, you still need a damned good bath yourself,” said Harbi, wafting implied odours away from in front of her nose.
“I’m on the case,Ma’am,” said Numf, saluting.
“Oh no you’re not,” said Sonnie, “we still need to set up some kind of defensive perimeter.”
“Well, you jam the Door Open button up here on the top floor, and we’ll barricade the top of the stairs,” said Numf.
“One last thing – no lights. I know it’s not dark yet, but it will be in a few hours, and we don’t want to attract attention,” instructed Harbi
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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Numf entered the biggest single room he had ever been in. The gold cornicing and recency striped wallpaper gave an air of splendour to the whole affair.
“Wow. Plush,” was about the extent of his vocalisation. He headed straight for the mini-bar. “Damn, forgot to pick up the key. I know, I’ll just….” Reaching for his laser he realised that Harbi had borrowed it. Never mind.
He headed for the bathroom.
His jaw dropped when he opened the door. It was the second largest room he had ever been in. He had never even seen a real marble kitchen top, let alone a whole bathroom - floor, walls, wash hand basin, toilet, place for washing your boots and a twelve foot long plunge bath built into the centre of it. The heated towel rail, which took up half of one wall was replete with fluffy white brilliant towels. The whole of the other wall gave an absolutely magnificent view up the side of the volcano.
The hard marble acoustics needed investigating. The echo echo echo echo took several seconds to return. He counted carefully in his head, and nodded slowly, satisfied. Since primary four music class in school he had always imagined being the first in the world to do a one man canon all the way through the Twelve Days Of Christmas. He didn’t know this particular version at the time though.
“#On the first day of Chrstmas my true love sent to me” ............................“#On the first day of Christmas”
“The Lord Montague of Beauly.” “my true love sent to me, the Lord Montague of Beauly.”
Ah, worked magnificently. And what place better to sing it that in a twelve foot plunge bath?
He walked over to the taps and opened them, venting steaming hot water into the bath. Clouds of steam billowed around the room, creating an artificial fog, and condensing on every hard surface.
Numf stripped off and immersed himself, revelling in the luxuriance of the whole experience.
He cleared his throat.
“#On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me” ...........................“#On the twelfth day of Christmas
“Twelve twitching twa……..” “my true love sent to me twelve twitching twa …..”
“Yeah, what is it?” he shouted. For some strange reason all the echo seemed to have disappeared, almost as if someone had got fed up writing everything twice.
“Hey, Numf, it’s Sonnie,” he shouted in through the bathroom door. “I was just checking with you. You said that you had come up with a good idea. In all the excitement I just plain forgot to ask you what it was. Something to do with the cops, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, I suppose I’d better go and do something about that. I’ll tell you after I’ve sussed things out properly.”
“Okay. Listen, I’m away for a bath – I’ll catch you later.”
“Yeah – ‘slaters min,” Numf shouted to the retreating sound of Sonnies footsteps. “Bugger. I suppose that means that I’ll have to finish my singing another time.”
From: Scatland | Registered: Sep 2003
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-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
From: here, more often than not | Registered: Sep 2003
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This is a great start to anyone's day, Numf - a guaranteed laugh in every section! And gods know we can use a few more laughs these days.
I want a vacation at the El Asticpants! And red hearts in the sky! And a laser to shoot the top off vending machines! The complete lyrics to your 12 Days of Xmas!
And the return of the admirable Rody, of course....
Hyperpath: Email this page to someone!
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